#on average like five

[crows-in-sevens]

there once was a baker, who sold cookies and cakes

who made a good profit off the treats that she bakes

and every weekday, without fail, and the weekends as well,

she’d count up the money from the goods that did sell

but one day she realised, horrified, mad,

that one of her cookies she’d sold had gone bad,

three weeks ago and she’d forgotten to bin it

and now some poor customer will have a poor stomach

‘oh no!’, she cried, ‘it’s the rude one, bad luck!’

and she knew that she’d have to call the customer back

so she tightened her jaw, silenced her inner turmoil,

but she didn’t know that her plan would soon be foiled…

the customer was gone! ‘oh, where could they be?

i must find them, apologise for the stale cookie!’

so she hunted around and she looked for some clues,

she asked those in town and learned all that they knew.

‘that man’, they all said, ‘went to go visit his nan,

but she lives ‘cross the woods where a wolf runs the land,

and this greedy old wolf, i think, have a hunch,

he took this poor man and he ate him for lunch!’

‘oh no!’ said the baker. ‘how terrible, how sad!’

but she wasn’t thinking of the now-eaten man,

she was thinking of that wolf who would now feel funny

with that old stale cookie going ‘round in his tummy!

‘i’ve got to go find him!’ she said, ‘understand,

i’ve got to go tell him to spit out that man!’

and so off she went to the forest at night,

in search of the wolf who ate a man in a bite!

she soon did discover where this wolf lived,

but in order to enter she must bring a gift.

she thought and she thought, and in the end she decided,

to bring a fresh pie at which others delighted.

the wolf crept towards her, about to chow her down,

but oh! an aroma from the bag she’d set down.

he opened it up, enticed by the smell,

and ate it all up, asked for seconds, as well!

so pleased at the gift, he was, so he spit

the man and the cookie from his giant stomach

the baker sighed in relief, the man rubbed his head

and the wolf, too, was happy, because he was well-fed.

the man then got up and said sorry to the cook,

‘i know i was rude to you before, but look,

nothing good comes out of holding petty grudges,

i’ll be better now, or my name’s not tim rogers!’

and the wolf said, ‘what is this delicious meal?

humans taste bland when compared to this meal!

the baker smiled and said, ‘that’s my own special secret,

but come to the bakery and you can have more of it!’

and the baker went home to her house ‘bove the shop,

knowing the wolf nearby would soon stop

to buy another pie, and a cupcake or two,

and the man’s now a regular at the bakery too!

and once he gave a slice to his dear old nan,

she, too, fell in love with those cookies and jams,

she hobbles through the dark woods, with no fear or pain

and if she finds the wolf, he joins on the way.

and now they all live on in harmony forever,

the wolf eats no people, he’s found something better.

the man is not rude anymore, leaves big tips,

and the baker? well, she smiles counting up her profits!

#another playful one! #this is like... #improv poetry?? #like i spent a max of maybe twenty seconds per line #on average like five #i really like this style #its like playful an d fun and restricting but not too much yk #poetry #writing #writeblr

[pencildragons]

still insanely funny to me that ortus nigenad has canonically written 18 volumes of epic poetry about a bodyguard who was, in fact, Just Some Guy, and regularly quotes himself out loud in conversations on the regular. man had to die at the start of gtn because he was too fucking powerful to live

#ive been sitting here for like. a solid five fucking minutes trying to come up with a good comparison irl and i Cannot #like imagine if your bodyguard wrote what is basically a huge love song to your great great x10 grandparent's bodyguard and then #he just kept quoting himself in conversations #and then in the weird heaven afterlife you're using as the backdrop of a hallucinated memory sequence to justify the brain surgery you gave #yourself so you could forget the most important person in your life bc she killed herself for you #and you Cannot Conceive Of A Universe Without Her In It #and the dude the bodyguard wrote love songs about in question turns up and is like 'well i was kinda average actually #but thanks to the power of YOUR love songs i can now bend the rules of this liminal space to my will and beat this eldritch monster' #like dude what the fuck #ortus nigenad #harrowhark nonagesimus #tlt #tlt spoilers #htn spoilers #the locked tomb #gideon the ninth #harrow the ninth #griddlehark #it wasnt in the post but i had griddlehark Feelings in the tags so #words of wyrm

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

she begged, "I caught it. I caught it."

"No," murmurs time and the waking world. "You didn't."

#the average character experiences one or two large traumas in their story #this is a statistical error #traumas jaid - who experices five large traumas per year - is an outlier and should not be counted #jade posting again!!! lore piece lore piece!!!! #scribble garnish #not-fish <3 #oc #original character #dragon #digital art #dragon oc #dragon original character #artists on tumblr #WEEE FINALLY SOMETHING IM ACTUALLY MOSTLY HAPPY WITH!!! #this was fun!!!! i enjoy lining and shading apparently!!! #i might do more stuff like this.... #maybe my thing is b&w with like. One accent color <3 who knows <3

[ennard-is-near]

What one week at Circus Baby’s does to a mf

Horrible picture I made in two seconds r8 don’t h8

#fnaf #five nights at freddy's #michael afton #fnaf sister location #I love making silly pics and images #he’s such a skrunkly #I almost changed the years but I didn’t just because I didn’t want it to be distracted g #like if there were years down there you’d have to think about the relevance of the years (average FNaF fan) #so I left them out #I did look but sorry if this has been done before #ignore that the second one is horribly cut out and that it’s not aligned at all #sorry about that

[egberts]

just saw a roadkill beaver like a few blocks from our house which is absolutely bonkers because i don't think i've ever even seen a living wild beaver before

#imagine being the poor motherfucker that hit that thing it was HUGE #like a beast of a beaver #five times bigger or more than average roadkill

[youkaiyume]

Hello, it's been a while since I did a rant. But WARNING for gross medical things:

SO it turns out my old nemesis the ovarian cysts have plagued me again. I found out about three weeks ago when a weird pain wouldn't leave my pelvis and went to urgent care and they suggested a CT scan. ONLY! for my insurance to deny me cuz they think I needed more probable cause for one so my doctor just recommended I go to the ER (which ironically is way more expensive for insurance to pay for than a simple CT scan but they did it to themselves lol).

Turns out I have cysts on BOTH of my ovaries FUN. But the left one is very concerningly big and probably needs to be removed but I can only do so by getting an approval of an OBGYN. So after finding one and waiting for my blood tests to come back so she can determine if she can surgically remove it--

YESTERDAY I had a SUDDEN AND SEVERE pain that hit me. I was at a solid 10 on that pain scale and vomiting and sweating so I drove myself to the ER again for the second time in two weeks. Frustratingly, the MALE doctor came back and was just like "well it looks like while we were doing your ultrasound you weren't consistently experiencing pain" which I was ready to bite his head off because let me tell you. While I was laying stretched out letting them do the ultrasound I was in the worst pain the ENTIRE time. And it was not a short ultrasound. It lasted over 20 mins and even after they asked me if I could survive sitting through the vaginal ultrasound after which would be another 25 mins. And those are painful just for the stick poking around in your yoohoo alone. I begged for pain relievers and when I described it they were like "oh that's labor level pains"

SO Mr. I don't have a Uterus doctor, DON'T TELL ME that your machine says I wasn't in pain. He even hit me with a "well I don't know what your pain tolerance is" as if to minimize or make me feel like I was overblowing what I was feeling. Like, fuck that guy. But because technically the imaging showed that the cysts haven't ruptured or caused my ovaries to twist it was considered "non emergent" and so the just gave me painkillers and then sent me home and reiterated that the only way I could get it removed at this point was to beg my OBGYN and convince her it was an emergency. In the meantime it was "oh you'll have to live with LABOR LIKE PAINS 24/7 until they let you have surgery." In the meantime they said I should only return to the ER after I've took all my pain meds and my pain doesn't improve OR if something worse happens. like a rupture.

WHICH btw are the exact same symptoms I have today so I was like how will I know cuz I can't imagine a worse pain than this one to which they were like "shrug"

I was in tears. Oh but it gets EVEN BETTER. Called my OBGYN this morning and she said my blood tests came back and that unfortunately they detected higher than usual levels of cancer markers in the cyst so that means she can't surgically remove them for me, she has to foist me to an Oncologist so THEY can remove it. She tries to say it doesn't necessarily MEAN cancer but hnnnnnggg that does not help with my anxiety at the moment.

Now calling the Oncologist to make an appointment today was a whole ordeal itself cuz their system kept going to voicemail so I had to call all the departments until they finally let me through but I had to run back to the hospital to try to get my Ultrasound discs for them. But even then they were like "your appointment isn't until next Wednesday" because THATS when the doctor meanders into work. So I'm like OH so like, in the meantime what if something happens??? And they're like well you gotta call back your OBGYN to see if you have other options. Which turns out she is also out. Until Tuesday. So I'm like. Guess I'll die then!

I don't even want kids!!! These ovaries have caused me nothing but trouble!!! Please rip them from my body!!

#And you know when you have nothing to do but curl up and google ovarian cancer #AND it tells you that the longest living patients on average live up to five years #it does make you spiral a bit #I feel like these entire two weeks the entire medical system won't believe me when I say it's an emergency #you sit here with this pain then #you do it #text post #rant #gross medical things

[sapybara]

Let's talk about Quackity being #4 most watched hispanic streamer, only behind Ibai, Auron and Spreen. Like this is the first year of Quackity being a hispanic content creator (as well as an English one!) and he not only managed to make himself known amongst the community but also ended up in the upper half of the top ten most watched, that's fucking impressive. All of this while also being an english content creator. And he's nominated in both communities for streamer of the year. Like can you dimension how much work is that? I'm so proud of him and all of the hardwork he put on the streams, I'm so excited for what's to come now that the window for spanish content has been opened

#like before the patito community was like a couple hundred at best and now the guy averages 40k on a spanish stream #He is only behind the guys who average 100k in a just chatting category and Spreen like thats crazy #AND HE IS NOMINATED FOR FIVE AWARDS ON THE ESLANDS. FIVE AWARDS. #i dont know of anyone else has that many nominations #its fucking crazy #quackity

[jojo-schmo]

Hello ms bubble wizard mage maam', I was just wondering what are your thoughts on magolor regarding how he's apparently **highly aware** of all characters to ever exist in the kirbyverse

Also its become a trend where god is replaced with NOVA in the expressions... Do they know?

Ello ello!

I like Magolor a lot, but he is omniscient? That's news to me. Is there a source for that? :O Unless you're talking about that Magoverse trend I saw floating around a while back- I didn't see much but what I did encounter reminded me of all the different Sans Undertale AUs out there. Hehehe Magolor is quite versatile! What fun.

And I know people use Nova as an expletive when writing Kirby characters! It's cool!

I use profanity in real life but I personally try to not associate Kirby characters with it in the works I make. I want to diversify the vernacular of the citizens of Popstar so I made a small list of expletives I thought of, lol. They should have a variety of things to yell out when they stub their feet or an apple falls on their head! So I get randomly inspired out in the world and I make sure to write them down!

I remember seeing someone have the characters use expletives based on food, like for example, "For the love of shortcake!" or things like that. That idea's fun!! (If you are the person who had this headcanon and are reading this please tell me so I can credit you for it!)

Does anyone else have expletives/exclamations they write for Kirby characters? Please share them if you do heehee. It makes the world building feel more fleshed out and creative >:3

#ask #headcanon #magolor #also if you use profanity in your Kirby works that is totally fine!! Everyone writes differently and has preferences #as long as a writer isn't going into like... problematic territory? But that's a pretty extreme boundary to cross #I don't think the average Kirby creator/enjoyer crosses into extreme or inappropriate territory. (at least I hope) #and I do sometimes find it funny to see a Kirby character say a bad word lmao! #But I personally would not make Kirby say f--- haha. I've seen enough of that in the real world ;P #and I try to keep the audience of a series like Kirby in mind #I think the most severe word I'd use for a Kirby character myself is “damned” in the context of condemning something to punishment #It's just my personal opinion and style right now! #if I wrote fan stories for like GTA or something then that would be different :P #I'm also trying to swear less in real life too lol #I am making..... some progress on that. xD #anyway thanks for riding the train of my stream of consciousness #take a complementary high five on your way off the train #:P

[broadwaytwitter]

good morning to everyone except people who sell bootlegs... y'all can go to hell

#feeling petty this fine sunday #broadway #musical bootlegs #musicals #broadway bootlegs #like i get it why they do that #but the whole point of bootlegs is so people who can't afford to travel/buy tickets can see the shows #and you make them pay anyway...?? #don't get me started about those fucking prices #it's sometimes more than your average poor person can allow themself to spend #speaking from experience #also this goes out to people who set nft dates four/five years from now #there's being careful and there's gatekeeping #i'm fine with waiting for nft date to pass when it's like. several months or a year #but making your bootlegs nft forever and then charging 20 fucking dollars #bruh

[waitineedaname]

it's so funny to me that harrow the ninth is somehow gayer than the first book. bitches want harrowhark. unfortunately, harrowhark only wants one thing and it's disgusting.

#the locked tomb #harrow is essentially a bundle of toothpicks fueled by contempt #shes five foot nothing and ninety pounds and somehow more morbid than your average necromancer #and yet she gets bitches. good for her. #she literally has women fighting over her and is like hmmmm today I will fantasize about [THE BODY]

[viiioca]

welcome - when was it lacking? when was it extended? which of those moments lingers most strongly in their mind?

The first night in your new home, you hide in the attic.

The manor's hallways yawn like a predator's mouth. You have walked them all your life at your mother's heels like a ghost-girl, but she's gone now and you have no skirts to hide behind. There are too many eyes and too few voices. Staff once your equal – girls the same age and same lowborn breeding as you – move around you like the shadows of hunting birds. No one smiles unless it's to pity you. You feel like a rabbit caught out of cover, trapped somewhere between the den and the dinner table.

The moment you are left alone, you flee.

You know your way around the manor's hollows, as intimate to you as the heart lines criss-crossing your palms. You wedge yourself into a crawlspace – nearly too small now for your growing bones – and emerge in a cramped storage room made warm by the bare stone of a chimney. You played here with dolls, once.  In the cold and the dust and the dim lantern-light, you finally feel like you can breathe. You want to sleep here on the hardwood. You want to stay here until the house forgets you exist within it like some transplanted organ awaiting rejection.

A bell or two passes before the short hatch of a door scrapes open. In comes the sound of breathing, the knocking of knees and elbows awkwardly clambering into your hiding spot. You watch a set of cramped limbs unfold into an elezen boy hauling an oil lamp in one hand and a bag much too big for him in another.

"There you are," Verain says. Verain who grew up in this world half-shared with you, three years your elder and still a fulm shorter, ever-waiting for his growth spurt; Verain who could not possibly be less like his mother, save for his black hair and quick tongue. He drops next to you like a sack of laundry, leg bumping leg. "You weren't at dinner."

"I wasn't hungry," you say. You do not say that your stomach has been full of stones since it happened. You do not say that everything tastes like smoke.

"Thought as much." He pulls a lumpy tea towel out of the bag and unrolls it atop your thigh, revealing a traveler's meal: flaky bread and butter and apple jam, a slim wedge of soft cheese, a fistful of proud red grapes. "It's not much, but. You know."

He waves his hand. You know.

"Oh, and the cook sent this too." He retrieves a glass bottle wrapped in another tea towel; you can feel its warmth. Mulled wine. They water it down in the kitchen for children, you know, because you are not old enough for the proper strength, but it's comfortable and familiar like a bedtime story. He pours some into a mug and offers it like a pilgrim leaves coins at a waypoint. 

"Thank you," you say, gingerly taking the mug. Heat passes through the tips of your fingers, into your palms, up your wrists. The first sip is tentative, spicy-sweet, unsure that your body will not reject it and you will retch his kindness all over the attic floor – but it makes it down your throat and doesn't come back up. 

Progress is progress. Calm is calm.

"I'm sorry," Verain says quietly, small hands on the cold skin of your knuckles. No shortage of people have said this to you – but this, your churning insides say, is real. You believe him. The corners of your mouth manage a smile, and he smiles at you in turn.

You drink your wine and sit quietly with your soon-to-be brother until the lanterns dim and you drift off to sleep next to him, slumping, head on his shoulder. 

There's not much else you could ask for, in the end.

#ffxiv #my wol: estelle #my writing #roegadyn #femroe #gpose #thank you for the prompt!! #i spent five days writing a Whole Ass Story before god grabbed me by the shoulders at 3am and said “you do not need to write 2500 words” #also had the realization while posing this that estelle at 12 years old would be Average Hyuran Male height #they'll never add roegadyn child models because they just look like adults

[sysig]

Old habits die hard all the way around (Patreon)

#Doodles #Wander Over Yonder #Commander Peepers #Sylvia #Wander #More of the Peepers is left in the care of the main duo idea lol #He managed to get to sleep! Everyone did in fact! Obviously Wander's gotta be the first one up tho #Peepers would probably be up first normally what with his average of like five hours of sleep lol but he was up late digging #Was he also protecting Sylvia and Wander by choosing to sleep near them rather than just digging a trap around himself? :3c #There are better odds in numbers but even still hehe ♪ #He's also quite unused to body heat while he sleeps - all the Watchdogs sleep in their own cubbies but he has his own separate room! #Would it actually be comforting or would it make him restless haha #I like to think that it'd be harder to get to sleep but he'd sleep much deeper once he gets there :) #They really are adorable just defenselessly sleeping together ah <3 So little in that wide shot! #Wander was fun to draw for that one too haha I love his big silhouette expressions #Starting starting to fall into a rhythm with him! It's fun! :D #Big eyes and long silly limbs haha #Of course he's able to use his chaotic nature to completely undo all of Peepers' hard work haha #What probably took him at least an hour or so probably took Wander all of like five minutes to rectify - it's a skill lol #Nullifying his trap is just going to make him try to go even more all out next time! Escalating into ridiculousness haha #Until he eventually manages to back them into a corner only for Hater to take the pratfall lol #Silliness

[robotlesbianjavert]

can't wait to listen to ryō iwasaki's sickened voice when he sees shigaraki on the floor in s7 (and tbh I can't understand how an anime is as popular as my hero has such a mediocre adaptation) (this has nothing to do with my saltiness towards spinner's reduced screentime ofc)

ryo iwasaki is THEE spinner understander he is going to milk every goddamn line he's allowed by the cruel anime producers who keep trying to deny him his spinner nutrients. we need a spinner-centric movie so that iwasaki can just go fuckin crazy !!!

#in ye olden days i would have said the bnha anime was an above average adaptation. as someone who grew up w like. idk naruto or bleach. #and then season five struck. #bnha bloggin

[actual-changeling]

how do normal people even sleep. like what do you *do* all night without nightmares and/or night terrors??? have good dreams? wake up feeling resting??????

like, i should probably get my sleeping issues checked out by a clinic at some point but then again i've literally been Like This tm since i was born. i don't have good dreams. ever.

idk how frequently an average person experiences nightmares but i don't think 100% of the time is the statistically correct answer.

#alex gets personal #my medication helps me sleep at least fun fact i slept like four to five hours a night on average before that #and it was bad quality sleep #shout out to last year's february when i just. did not sleep. for a month. i got about 2-3 hours every two to three days around noon #at least i finally got sleep meds due to that lol

[halfricanloveyou]

the nice thing about searching for jobs when there’s a shortage in your career field is…the desperation. it’s like…so many thirsty hoes in my inbox rn. they all want me to work for them.

i feel like i’m just so competent and amazing and ooooo all the hiring managers want me soooo bad cause i’m soooo good at working and my job…ahaha…it’s like, omg so you liked my resume?? you’re impressed with my skill set and experience? tell me MORE. go on…

ofc it’s offset by them spitting in my face by refusing to pay me a livable wage but i enjoy the groveling anyways lmao

#yeah it’s like…suck my dick harder ooooh #you won’t pay me a livable wage so i’m noot gonna work for you #but go ahead and grovel a bit for me!! #*insert snide ojou-san anime girl laugh here* #dumbass shit i said #job interview #the economy really is in shambles #like bitch…i got five dollars #i got bills to pay so i am NOT taking your $5 below the average hiring rate in my area #but please keep being so niceys to me i like that

[abombihoney]

I...really don't think it's a good idea for Vi to be that close to Leif this early in the timeline. What if she gets infected?

I mean, with the way i figure that cordyceps works in game i dont think that would happen. i dont think its capable of reproducing on its own w/o roach intervention. but also it doesnt work the way that the roaches intended, it doesnt actually extend one's lifespan like they were trying to do, at least according to the devs.

BUT ignoring ALL of that just for the lols

for my au of my au where getting infected does actually stop ur aging and leif is just stuck with a fucking enternal teenager that is trapped in the body of a toddler and this doesnt cause any wild hijinks no sir

#Vi: we should become explorers again #Leif: We are not doing that you are like. five #Vi: *tantrum* BUT IM SEVENTEEN PLUS MORE YEARS LET ME OUT #Leif: We should have let the bees keep you #Vi: PLUS I GOT COOL MUSHROOM POWERS #Leif: you are slightly harder to kill than the average toddler that is not an achievement #tt au #comic #leif #vi #kabbu #kabbu: OH are you so cute this tiny awww #vi: thank you but know that even like this i can destroy you #vi doesn't even get magic powers like leif did lol she's SO mad and leif is SO grateful he doesn't want to deal with MAGIC tantrums #bug fables spoilers #ask #hybrid-tale