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bts-trash-blog · 4 years

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Lovesick Girls ~Rosé

Chapter 1 : Flutter

Summary: Being in love with your best friend is hard, expecally when all she does it keep letting thoses stupid boys hurt her and you can do nothing about it.

Paring: Rose X Fem!reader

Warning: Fluff, angst, maybe some smut, mentions of outting someone, and coming out. Gay shit if you need that to be a warning. Pinning after you best friend, biphobia will be brought up. If there is more to be put here I will in future chapters.

Love is slippin’ and fallin’

Love is killin’ your darlin’

Loving you is honest

PREV._.NEXT

Love.

A four letter word that means so much to you, it means the bound you have with your family that seems to never be broken. It means the connection you have made with once complete strangers, that now mean everything to you. People who know secrets that even your family have no knowledge about, they have stories with you that are unforgettable, moments captured in time locked in their phones. Love was a four letter emotion that you could never take advantage of, that you could never forget.

Rosé.

A four letter name that means almost the same as the word love for you, she was a beautiful girl that you had run into freshman year. Her dark brown, almost black hair tied in a half pony, the school’s uniform slightly baggy in the top, her doe eyes filled with worry as your shoulders bumped. English slipping out, making your head tilt as an accent, that at the time you had no clue where it was from, but her eyes only widened when she realized. That no she was no longer in Australia, and that no the girl she had bumped into had no clue what words she was saying. She proceeded to apologize profusely in Korean, even going as far as to bow slightly at you making your cheeks redden as you shook your head and pushed her up from her bent in half stature and gave her a smile. From that day on she kinda followed you like a lost puppy, her and and your childhood friend Jennie bounding almost as fast. She became your best friend, your everything in her own way.

She was a sunshine, a joy in her own perfect way. From the way she sings randomly when she is just sitting there doing school work or reading, to the way she jumps and cheers when she eats something she enjoys. You loved the way she clings to the people she loves, how she wraps herself around them and shoves her face into theirs. The way she has an obsession with pink, yet her favorite color is blue. How she will randomly jam out in the back seat of your car, or on top of your bed. How she loves clothes that almost seem to swallow her frame making her look smaller then she actually is. She loves with all she has, and that is why you fell in love with her.

Yet all you were to her was her best friend. The girl who she would cry to, laugh with and sometimes at, you were the person she’d call at three in the morning to drag you to an empty quiet road and just sit there in each other company to look up at the stars. Candy hidden in her overly large sweater, eye twinkling as she looked at you. Asking you questions, weird thoughts and some gossip.

Some nights, when she had ‘fallen in love’, she shows up at your door. Your parents giving her soft smiles as she walked past them and into your room. If you were awake, or even if you were asleep, it didn’t seem to matter. Her thin petite body would crawl into your bed, and just stare at you, her dark eyes clouded with sadness waiting for you to awake, or to talk..but her eyes, her eyes broke you. The sadness that was covering her usual happiness, now covered with something unexplainable. It slowly falls into a sleepy look, when you wrap your arms around her mumbling words of soless, wanting nothing more than to comfort her. Your best friend.

The day you realized you were in love with her was the day your grandmother found out you were Bisexual through a slip of your fathers words and decied you were nolonger welcomed in her home. Her life. Slurs, glares and words passed her lips felt like gunshots. A cried phone call had Rosé almost running down the street almost forgetting she had a bike that her dad had bought just to ride to your place.

When she entered your apartment using the key you had finally given her after three years attached at the hip. She was greeted with your mother and father snapping at one another about how your father had outed you to his mother. About how he just stood there and let this mother call you names. Her eyes grew with their own tears, rushung past them as she moved into your bedroom. She had crawled into bed her finger tracing the bridge of your nose. Her body sitting up as it moved from your nose to your cheeks, whipping away the tears as she made a small huff noise at you. Her hand moved to grab the cover that was up to your neck, snapping it down making you curl around yourself as you let out a small gasp of a sob.

“Oh Y/n.” Her voice didn’t hold pity but just a sadness, she crawled into your comforter, her body basically on top of yours, her head resting against your chest as she maneuvered the comforter back over the two of you. Her hand running up and down your shoulder to your arms, her legs twisting with yours as you let out choke sobs. “She may be family, but family isn’t everything.” She paused, finally letting out the words she’s been thinking, been waiting to say wanting to let you cry. To let your emotions out. So once you quiet down she let them spill. “Loving someone…is so special. It’s different for everyone, for every single relationship. Just because you can love a girl, and have a life with a girl doesn’t mean someone should push you out of their life. You loving who the fuck you want is up to you, and not her. I know you love your grandmother, your family, and it sucks your dad outed you by accident. But maybe..maybe it’s a blessing in a way. I know I’ll never have to experience what you are right now..being outed..being rejected…but..now you don’t have to feel like you have to hide. You can openly talk about how hot girls are around anyone and everyone without worrying it will go back to her. You can hold hands with a girl and kiss her without worrying. You can finally go to pride and post about it, you can do whatever now.” She paused as she finally felt your hands wrap around her.

“I..remember when I came out to you?” She let out a giggle as she rolled off of you and sat up, slowly falling as you sniffled, crossing your legs as you whipped at your nose.

“Of course I do, it was halorius because of how freaked out you looked when you realiszed.” She giggled her hand taking your own, her finger playing with your as you slightly smiled at her, your eyes closing as you shook your head. “ You were just staring at a new girl, and your face got so red and you just went ‘Shes hot, I hope she likes girls’ out of nowhere. Jennie looked worried cause if I remember correctly, she’d helped you understand what to identify as so she knew, and I just laughed cause I wasn’t sure how to respond.” You nodded as you looked over to your bookcase, a picture of you and Jennie, a Bi flag wrapped around you as she hugged you from behind.

“Do you remember..what I asked you?” Your eyes look at her, her blonde hair pulled back as she stares at you and nods.

“You asked me to treat you the same way as before, that you were the same, you just had some extra bits that I finally knew about..why?” She tilted her head slightly as you nodded and gave her a frown.

“Please never stop..I..I don’t know what i’d do if you ever felt uncomfortable around me…if you treated me like..like a freak….thank you..thank you for loving me the way you do.” She looked at you, and tears that had been building finally began to fall.

“I would never, ever treat you like that. Y/n, you are my best friend..my everything.” And your heart, your heart did a flutter it had never done before, and you knew you were fucked.

From that day on, your heart would flutter and your words would sometimes stutter around her, but you were determined that it was just a simple crush. One that would fade with time, but it only grew. Though all you wanted to do was hold her, squish her cheeks and tell her what she meant to you as you pressed gentle kisses along her face. You knew you could do most of that, but you also knew if you did the one thing you couldn’t do would kill you in a way. So you stuck to holding her hand, letting her sit in your lap.

Which is where she was at this very moment, her body was in a plaid skirt and a large grey sweater, that you just knew used to be yours back in high school.Her hair was a platinum blonde, tinted silver and her lips were stained a almost blue color from the candy she was sucking on. She made your heart hurt in its own unique way. She was giggling at Jisoo, who had tried to say something in english, that had been completely wrong.

“Unnie, you sound like you’re like three in the cutest way.” She giggles, her body moving to rest back against your chest as she shakes her head as Jisoo starts to scold her but loses it mid way. Her hands started to move your arms to wrap around her waist as she smiled brightly at you. “Jennie Unnie, can I have your notes for Bio chem? I missed class this morning cause my alarm didn’t go off.” Her eyes were slightly big as she tilted her head to the side, her lips were probably in a pout making Jennie look at you with a soft glare making you chuckle.

“Jennie doesn’t fall for the puppy dog eyes Rosie.” You chuckled making her huff as you patted her thigh making her get up as you stood from the ice cream shop table. Grabbing the trash as you watch Rosé grab your bag and jacket in her hands as she talks a bit to Jisoo and Jennie.Throwing the items away you turn to see Rosé right behind you, a bright smile on her face as you slightly jumped back, gripping your chest. “Stop doing that.” You whine grabbing your jacket, pulling it on as the two of you meet up with Jisoo and Jennie.

“Never, it’s just so fun.” She chuckles as you roll your eyes, her hand giving you your bag as you feel and arm lace with yours. Elbows locked with Jennies as she bumps her hip with yours making you giggle as you look to see Rosé has skipped right over to Jisoo. The cold wine blowing her hair back making that stupid flutter happen again.

“Are you ever gonna tell her?” Jennie whispered, her eyes locking with your own as you look at her and blink slowly.

“She doesn’t like girls Jen, I don’t want to make it awkward.” You mumbled, knowing that your best friend since diapers would know the second you lied. The second you would try and deny the feeling you’ve gotten for the sunshine that was smiling bright at your mutual friend. Flutter.

“I know but..sometimes to get over things you can’t have you need to say it. Say it loud, say it proud.” She gave you a soft smile, her lip lifting up on one side as she looked forward and dropped her head on your shoulder.

“Falling for straight girls sucks.”

“Tell me about it.” Jennie chuckled, making you roll your eyes at her. Your body was eloped in a hug making you look to see Jisoo and Rosé latched to you making your groan.

“What?”

“Can we get booba?” Rosé asked, her eyes wide lip pulled between her teeth as she rocked back and forth from the balls of her to her heels. Her hands were playing the zipper of your hoodie making your heart rapidly thump as you look at Jisoo. A similar look on her face, though it didn’t make your heart pound against your chest, in fact it did the exact opposite it calmed you. Though you could help but fall from the older girls puppy dog eyes, especially paired with Rosé.

“Yes?” You asked, head tilted trying to ask confused, that you didn’t know the follow up to what they had just asked.

“Can you pay?”

“Fuck..fine..damn puppy dog eyes.” You whined a slight stomp to your foot, making Rosé cheer as Jennie let out a laugh, her arm leaving yours as she joined the two other girls. Eyes widening slightly as she pouted at you.

“Mine too?”

“Nice try Kim.” You sassed your body moving pasted them to the nearest boba shop, you heard Jennie whine making you stop and groan as you bent your head down. Making Jennie let out a cheer, you felt someone hit your back making you stumble as legs move to wrap around your waist.

“Rosé!” Jisoo said knowing her hands moved to adjust her skirt as the girl giggles as you look over your shoulder at your best friend.

“I feel like I spoil you all too much.” Your words had the all laughing, as Rosé jumped off her laughter had you smile grow as you look at her with a wide one.

“That’s why we love you suga mama.”

“Call me that again, I dare you.”

“Suga.”

“Rosé.”

“Mama.”

“No boba.”

“Y/n!”

Taglist:

@alex4243

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luwupercal · 4 years

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Got any magnus the red headcanons?

boy do i ever. this is a magnus stan twit

once again, if any of these contradict canon, my L, i drink dumb bitch juice sometimes

the warp equivalent of Extremely Online. can cite daemonic memes at you at 30 paces. it’s awful

will make the awful concept a reality just to taste it. “tomato strawberry bagel sandwiches aren’t that bad”, he’ll tell you, “i’ve tried them and-- where are you going”

him and leman are the only primarchs whose natural hair isn’t brown/black

another thing in common with leman: will go to sleep naked and not give a shit. honestly magnus has 0 body modesty. he doesn’t care

him communicating with big E early on was way less “psychic visions at the witching hour” and more “hey, this weird plucky little red parentless child who doesn’t need to earn a living because tizca is quite literally a psychic hippie nerd commune says he doesn’t need parents because he can already communicate with his dad psychically. is... anyone gonna question that?”

(they did but they couldn’t really stop him)

(amon was the one who mostly questioned that one)

he did kinda raise himself/get raised by others kind of communally(?) because E only popped in sometimes? he’d be gone for weeks. he was very much an absent parent. connection wasn’t stable at the best of times and after a few years of not being able to fully raise magnus E kinda half gave up on being a true parent to him. but magnus considered him his truest parent for all his childhood

sidenote with an E headcanon: he really did mean to raise his children, but his plan got fucked up and so now he’s operating on the backup of “yes i always meant you all just as tools”. he didn’t cut it cleanly though and that... caused problems. whoops (also he was a narcissist who saw all of humanity but especially his children as extensions of himself COUGHS loudly)

y’know how the wiki says he embraced E when E arrived? MAGNUS FUCKING GLOMPED HIS FATHER AND YOU CANNOT CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE

has never konmari’d in his life, he lives in a cluttery ghibli howl’s-room hell if not physically then at the very least emotionally. he’s got KNICK KNACKS and he is NOT afraid to show it. he’s got like, the shera s5 horde prime museum of artifacts from cultures he personally made sure didn’t exist anymore in storage. i can’t find pics of the scene but it’s bone chilling it’s cool as hell i like new shera hordak is basically a primarch to horde prime’s emperor. like HP’s literally a galactic emperor

(daemonic) back brace for his injury. Back brace to help with his (russ-induced) injury. Magnus gets the back brace that he needs!

there is no way magnus isn’t nonbinary. i’m [used to identify as genderfluid at the time i wrote this now just identify as nonbinary] and ive claimed every single fictional character who can shapeshift for my cause. theyre all genderfluid. magnus will sometimes just have boobs for the day and you will have to cope with it. genderfluid bisexual magnus truther jules luwupercal

speaking of his ability to shapeshift hes got like a ton of physical appearence details that are strikingly different from basically all his brothers, who take more after big E? and it’s like, on purpose. if he didnt have his powers hed have the same similarities they all share. its still like physical build, hand shape, ears, small details like those. he still looks related to them, just, less of a brother and more of a cousin? but its all like By his own design. he looked way more similar to them back before the heresy

(actually one last one in this topic: he actually shifts between looking closer to E/his brothers and looking more different depending on circumstances. its not immediately very noticeable unless youve picked up on it before, then you cant really unsee it? for example, when he fought with russ he looked very different, and when he was getting along w say, khan or perturabo he looked more like them)

(sorry i have so many headcanons abt shapeshifting im just trans and jealous)

BEYOND obtuse, romantically, in case you wanted to know

A Smidge Excentric. just the slightest pinch. for flavoring. it’s mostly restrained to his appearence and he’s honestly mostly grown out of it, especially after the burning of prospero, but it could resurface if he allowed himself to relax and act childishly/immaturely again

likes hanging out upside down. he says it makes blood rush faster to his brain and that’s good, right (big “all my injuries are internal that’s where blood is supposed to be” energy, imo)

PEAK aquarius, like absolutely

kind of a gaudy motherfucker. would 10/10 have a neon-hued mcmansion with authentic tiger furs strewn all over the place. has ultimate garbage kitsch taste and we love that for him

probably a homestuck somehow

i can keep going but i’m gonna stop for now. magnus is my boy and i love him despite how dumbfuck his ass his because i know how dumptruck his ass is <3

#ask #alina-marie-07 #magnus the red #warhammer 40k #wh40k #headcanons

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confused-bi-queer · 3 years

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My journey, I was never straight, just in love with a guy

I feel safe, so I will write this, just because. Nobody is gonna read this anyway

I’m angry because it took me 18 years to freaking know that I’m not straight and there were several things that were obvious and I wish I would’ve notice them. So, here I go. I’m a her at this moment, keep that in mind.

When I was like 6 or so, I pretended to be a boy, for myself. It always made me curious.

When I was like 8 or 9 I never had a problem in dancing with another girl, I was always one of the tall ones and sometimes boys weren’t enough, so they put me with a girl friend and I liked to pretend I was a boy.

When I was like 10, I realized that my height never bothered me, just the fact that I was a tall girl and boys at that age were really really short.

When I was 11, or 12, I went to a catholic school dressed as a man. This was funny and cool. They told us to go in a costume and I went with a suit and a tie, and the director gave me a bad look, but I FELT SAFE. I liked my “costume”.

At that age, I wore a boxer for the first time and enjoyed the fact that I had men’s clothes, I hate them tho, they are uncomfortable.

When I was like 13, I almost kissed my girl best friend, by accident, and I didn’t care, but the fact that there were like 4 other people watching us, made me nervous.

When I was 14, I joked a lot about kissing a friend and spent over a WEEK figuring out which girl had the most desirable lips and who I would kiss if I could, the funny thing is that I had a boyfriend.

At that same time, I had a best friend, another girl, and we always joked about being girlfriends and we always planned, as a joke, to break up with our boyfriends and be together. I broke up with him like 4 months later, but for other reasons.

In those moments I noticed that it wouldn’t bother me if I ever had a girlfriend, to experiment right? (Crowley, the lies I told myself)

When I was 16, one morning I woke up and chose not to give a fuck and dressed up like the boys at my school: with long shorts, a hoddie, my socks high and like that and I felt nice, but my sibling was like “you’re gonna go like that” and changed.

By the end of 2019, my family knew that I liked dressing like a guy sometimes and my mom told me in public, “Why don’t you come like a man, you know, with your tie and suit?” and I loved the idea, but the people around us laughed and I just told her I’ll pass.

I went shopping with my family, to buy clothes, and I was feeling shy because I wanted to buy boy shirts, but I didn’t want anyone to look at me. I told my dad this, and he said it was fine and bought me 3 shirts, I felt soooo good, because I sometimes feel safer in those clothes.

NOW, from here was the real mess, when I noticed that this was not someone straight would do. In the middle of 2020, I was playing a game, A GAME, this episode thingy and chose a girl, because what the hell, I thought it would be fun and it was, and I’m in the middle of a dance class and said out loud for me: “well, this is way more exciting that with a dude” and everything just screwed up from here. Because when I heard myself I was like, what did I just say, and I spent the rest of the class thinking about that.

When the class finished, I thought more and realized that I might not be that straight after all. I questioned if I ever liked men or just my ex, because I’ve been in love with that guy sfor years, I don’t anymore, but I was into him from 5 years until I was 16 years, and that’s why I never knew anything about myself. After that, I made counts and I do like men, but girls too????? And FUCKING GOOGLED IT. Because I labelled myself immediately as a bi girl. And one test was like: “Well, if you’re here asking if you are straight, you’re not” and that sticked with me.

After that, I did some research and went back in my life and labelled myself again. Here’s the thing, I don’t like thinking about sex with men, I haven’t, and that thought made me anxious and disgusted, no offense men, and considered being an ace bisexual, like being attracted to both genders, but no sex. Buuuut, I found out about this term “demisexual” and fits me. But the problem was now the girls and it’s taking me some time to still discover at what point I’m attracted to them, but I am. At this moment I’m definitely bi, demisexual for the boys and confused with girls.

I have came out to three people, and whoever sees this, but doesn’t know who I am. The first person was a friend of mine, bisexual, and she was hella excited for me, so I feel safe with her. The second one was my sister, I tried, and boy did I regret it; she spent over half hour saying that I was confused and that only because a boy broke my heart I couldn’t hate men and that how would I ever be sure (because I didn’t tell her I was sure) and sometimes I say that a girl is pretty or things like that, but never to make her remember I came out. The last one is my best friend, we were on zoom and I sent her a text, didn’t talk about that, but sometimes I feel connected to her.

I cut my hair to my chin. And that felt NICE, I love my short hair, but I couldn’t cut it shorter, like a guy, because I dance and I need at least some hair to make a pony tail, at least. But once I’m out, I will cut it.

Once I was sure of me being bi and solved this thing that didn’t take me that long, just like 6 months, and I was finally happy and proud and I knew myself more, like I found myself, at the end of 2020 I started hating my clothes and my long hair. Because my hair is growing up so fucking fast.

On december 2020, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I sometimes am, and decided that when 2021 ends, I’ll know if I felt like that because I want to change the aesthetic of my clothes. I thought it was just that, I think it still is.

At the end of February and beginning of March of this year, I read Carry on and Wayward son, by Rainbow Rowell, and loved them, although I’m broken and not mentally stable anymore, but I loved them, I found my comfortable characters, Snowbaz, and I feel connected to them, because they have been an inspiration for a novel I’m writing, they have change me, and they are kinda ruining me, because I thought I wanted to become a director, but turns out I want to go to UK and study fucking literature (a plan I thought didn’t exist anymore, it does, AGAIN). Well, thanks to Baz in WS, I found my aesthetic: flower shirts. And actually flowers have always been my thing, but not once I have wore them because my mom always said they were too much. That’s why I don’t know if my gender identity is crap, because I never had a place to dress like I wanted: using men’s clothes.

Thanks to Baz and his amazing shirts, one day, like last week, I dressed as himself, with the things I had, and I could because I had the clothes, but too girly. After that, it came to me a question, that it’s been messing with me. “Do I want to look like Baz, or do I want to be Baz?” And that’s why I’m having a problem with my pronouns, mind, identity, fucking clothes and everything. A fictional character just messed with me!

I saw this person in tiktok that was gender fluid and I kinda identified with them, because some times I feel masc and sometimes girly and some times I want to cry because no one in my family understand this and I’m the closeted gender confused sibling, child, cousin. So, I think that maybe I am gender fluid or just mentally ill. Crowley,I need to go to therapy.

So, I have stated that I want floral shirts, no matter what, I do, I am a floral person, but people just don’t want other people to be be themselves with their clothes. Yesterday, I went for an ice cream with my sister and told her this, that I wanted and AM a floral person and pointed at her floral shirts and blew my mind, I WANTED THEM and she responded with a “those are boys clothes”, and I told her “so? what about that?” and changed the topic.

Basically, my problems are around the way I dress, the pandemic that has taken a complete year of my life and I want to fucking live, and the fact that I want to go to another country to study a career I discarded because I had a class like that in high school and broke me, and it is not cheap, I’m not good at it and my parents didn’t even like the idea of me living in another state my own country aaand it is too late for me to send an application for next semester.

Back to my original point, I never ever questioned anything of myself and my behaviours because I was in love with the same guy all my life and dated him for a long shit of time, so I thought because I liked him, I was a girl loving a guy, but after several years of having broken up with him, I am a someone bi, because I don’t know. I don’t, but spoiler alert... I am not straight, at all.

#bi #confused #confusedqueer #queer #gender #what is going on #baz #rainbow rowell ruined me #i dont understand #gay #bigirl #biboy #they #help me i'm gay #journey

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eldri-sv · 3 years

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24 - Shinsou

Kaori Shinsou has always been fascinated by people’s minds. She is one of the best students in her Criminal Psychology course at U.A. and - being the lucky girl she is - her professor is not only one handsome dude, but is also working on the case of the serial killer Stain - a case that has been going on for years. As she is about to become Professor Aizawa’s TA during the next term, a lot of other interesting cases start popping up all over the country…

I'm gonna light the dynamite, I'm gonna break through

(Jaymes Young - Don’t You Know)

Kaori Shinsou was really fucking annoyed. All she wanted was to go home, see the kittens and go to bed to get some fucking sleep. But her brother Hitoshi seemed to have other plans. And she couldn't be mad, because he had come to the hospital and waited for her and he was her brother.

That's what Hitoshi said at least. Kaori was still somewhat mad at him. Why the hell did he need a fucking fancy coffee now of all times? Kaori could think of the reason, but still. Was he really that thirsty? Somehow she had thought her brother was better than that. But maybe, she was the last person that could talk about being thirsty. After all, she was shamelessly thirsting after her professor.

"My God, Toshi, do we really have to go? I'm just so fucking tired, I need some damn sleep, so I can head to my Criminal Psychology lecture in the afternoon and just be done with this day. Come on, dude, the one week where I can actually sleep during the day and you drag me along to get coffee?" Kaori nagged him, as they were getting closer to their favourite coffee shop.

It was super close to their home (thankfully!) and it was also the place this blond guy worked at. Denki Kaminari. Honestly, Kaori had no idea what Hitoshi saw in him, but her little brother had been smitten for years and even more so since he had realised that Kaminari was going to U.A. as well.

"Come on, it's his shift right now and it's really quiet, so maybe I'll get a chance to talk to him or something. Plus, I'm extremely tired and need this coffee." Hitoshi said, rubbing his neck nervously.

"Sure. Let's go visit your boy-toy, so." Kaori mumbled. The next thing she knew she got a smack up her head. She kind of expected it, but still wasn't really prepared for it. It kinda hurt.

"He's not my boy-toy!" Hitoshi protested. Kaori rubbed her head, her face still twisted theatrically in pain.

"Ouch, I just got out of the hospital and you hit me up the head? Fuck, Toshi, you're such an ass sometimes." Kaori complained, glancing up to see whether Hitoshi would actually try and act remorseful. He just rolled his eyes and shrugged.

"Stop being melodramatic, you bruised your shoulder, not your head." he replied in an indifferent voice.

"Asshat."

"You know you love me."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Kaori couldn't be genuinely mad at Hitoshi for something dumb and small like this. Unfortunately he knew that and took advantage of it, whenever he saw fit. Even her annoyance at having to go out for coffee with him slowly faded. Maybe she had gone past the point of being ready to pass out and now wouldn't be tired for another five hours. This always happened to her.

"Sorry about dragging you along, but I really, really need this coffee right now. Plus, mum and dad are home at the moment and I don't wanna wake them accidentally and have to explain why we're both awake and all that." Hitoshi suddenly said, as he opened the door to the coffee shop.

"It's fine, Toshi, I think I'm getting over it. Slowly. I also really don't wanna explain the night shift to mum and dad. They'll end up telling me to go back to one of the prisons and while Tartarus was fun, I'm pretty happy where I am now." Kaori told him and walked into the coffee shop.

Hitoshi followed her. The coffee shop wasn't very well lit at this time of the morning. After all it was around 5 am and while the first few people were coming in to get their morning coffee, they wouldn't be lingering, as they usually had places to be. So only the counter was really well-lit.

There was no one at the counter, however. Kaori looked around and noticed a group of people sitting around one of the tables in the dark. They were illuminated by one single candle that was on the table. They looked somewhat familiar, two of them were wearing U.A. sweaters.

"Just chill and make small talk. You know, like you usually do. Plus, you can always play it off as meeting up to study." a girl's voice said. She had pastel pink hair that was short and curly. She was wearing a thick U.A. sweater over some mom jeans. Kaori felt like she had seen her at the Rescue Training Facility.

"But we're not even going to the library, like how am I going to play that off?" a red-haired guy said. He looked like he was having the worst crisis of his life at this moment. Kaori almost felt like they were intruding, but she had started to smell the sweet smell of coffee and there was no turning back now.

"Hang on, guys, I'm gonna have to go." someone (Kaori soon identified him as Kaminari) said to the group. He got up from his chair and stepped into the light with a big smile on his face.

"Oh, hey, it's you." he said when he saw Hitoshi and smiled a little wider. It was so obvious that he had taken some sort of liking to Hitoshi. It was the sweetest thing how clueless Hitoshi was about all of it, too.

"Hi." he replied, pretty dumbstruck. Kaminari walked behind the counter and gave Kaori a nervous look.

"Kinda early for a date, huh? What can I get you?" he wanted to know. Kaori burst out laughing.

"Sorry, but we're not dating. We're siblings. I'm... I'm his sister. It's getting kind of concerning how many people think we're dating." Kaori mumbled. She saw Kaminari's face light up at that.

"Oh! Oh, shit, I'm sorry, haha. It's just that I never see this guy with anyone else and only sometimes with you, so... you know." he replied. Kaori looked at Hitoshi with a big grin on her face.

"Toshi, you really have to make some friends! Look at this. People think we're dating." she teased him and immediately felt bad when she realized that he had gone into panic mode. It was really difficult to see it, but when Hitoshi went into his panic mode he'd avoid looking at people and get a little fidgety. He still looked quite calm on the outside, but he was a fucking mess on the inside.

"I don't need friends." he replied quietly without looking at anyone. Kaminari tilted his head a little.

"Hey, dude, you've been coming to this place since I started working here. We're practically friends. I mean, I can be your friend if you want. I'm Denki Kaminari." he said. It took everything for Kaori not to gasp out loud at how sweet this was. All she knew about Kaminari so far was that he could be really fucking dumb, but he seemed like a really sweet person, too.

"Well, I'm not here to make friends, I'm here for coffee. Can I get the usual?... please?" Hitoshi replied. Kaori raised an eyebrow. Looking at him she knew exactly that he just got stressed and snapped. She could practically see him think about how much he just fucked up.

"Uh, sure, sorry. What about you, sister?" Kaminari asked. Hitoshi mumbled something about finding a seat and got out of there quickly.

"I'll have the same, thanks. Sorry, dude, he just gets nervous sometimes. He always says he doesn't need friends, but he really does. Why do you think he keeps coming back here?" Kaori told him and gave him a quick wink. Sometimes Hitoshi just sabotaged himself with his stubbornness.

"I see. I'll just keep on trying then, I guess. Go and sit down, I'll bring the coffee over in a sec." Kaminari replied, his smile returning to his face.

"Thanks, dude."

Kaori quickly walked over to the table Hitoshi was sitting at. He had his head buried in his hands, probably wishing he had never insisted on coming to the coffee shop in the first place.

"Hey, Toshi. Chill. I told him you get nervous. You haven't lost your chance yet." she said to him quietly. Hitoshi opened his eyes and looked at her through his fingers. He then slowly let his hands sink down his face.

"Really?" he wanted to know.

"Yes, really. Look, he's just making our coffee now and he's smiling. But you gotta chill with the attitude, Toshi." Kaori replied to him. Hitoshi sighed and sat up, when one of Kaminari's friends shouted something at him.

"Yo, Denki, there is something going on at the observatory soon. You wanna come?" the girl with the pink hair asked.

"The observatory? That's space stuff, right? I love space! My favourite planet is the sun!" Kaminari shouted gleefully. Kaori blinked, not sure if she heard that right. Hi favourite planet was the sun?

"Uhm... Denki... the sun is not a planet." the red-haired guy replied. Kaminari laughed confidently.

"Come on, dude, what else is the sun? Of course it's a planet!"

"Denki, the sun is a star." a guy with shoulder-length black hair told him. Kaminari looked genuinely confused.

"What? I never knew the sun was a star, that's crazy!"

Kaori pressed her lips tightly together and looked at Hitoshi with a face that said 'Really? Really, Toshi? This guy?' Hitoshi just sighed and covered his eyes with his hands again, looking through his fingers.

"I knoooowww." he said quietly. Kaori burst out laughing. God, this was just too good. If their parents ever met Kaminari they would be shell-shocked. First of all, they didn't even know that Hitoshi was wildly bisexual and secondly, they would be shocked that he would be dating someone who... well... wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. They both were doctors, after all.

"It's okay, Toshi, he's a sweet guy and that's what matters."

#inside your mind #aizawa fanfiction #aizawa #aizawa x oc

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satoruswifey · 4 years

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I just needed a place to put this so here goes, don’t really mind if no one reads it or likes it buts it’s pride month & I’m feeling it.

I’m bisexual.

This is the first time I’ve ever posted anything about it, anywhere. It actually feels kind of nice to put it out into the world like this. I’ve only told my best friend, my boyfriend & my sister. They have all always been so accepting of me & I can’t express enough how much it means to me.

I’ve always really known that I was but I was so terrified to tell my parents especially with my dad, who is openly homophobic. When my dad went through my Facebook messages (he’s so great, if you couldn’t tell), when I was like 14, he saw my messages with a girl I was talking to & lost his shit. After that, I really tried surpressing that part of me, not wanting to upset my dad further. It was SO hard. There are so many times I wanted to try to express that part of myself but was so scared to. I didn’t have any courage to come out or express myself properly until my little sister came out. My dad hurt her so badly for it but I was & still am so proud of her. She gave me the courage to not suppress my true self any more. I’m still trying to overcome that & with being in a heterosexual relationship, I was scared that it wasn’t important for me to still identify as bi or even come out to anyone else, even know I am in fact still bisexual. I don’t know what it is about today but I’m feeling it & decided to come out. I know it’s to strangers & maybe even no body will read this but still, I’m glad I finally felt comfortable enough to post it somewhere.

If you did read this, thank you for reading & letting me come out to you. 💖

#lgbtq #bisexual #coming out #i cant believe i came out on tumblr but im feeling good about it

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findmeintheafterglow · 5 years

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A Guide to Every Single Newsie

There are way too many of those punks. If you’re new to all this come learn whom is who

Let’s start with some pictures, they’re blurry because it’s surprisingly hard to get a decent screenshot. There are lots of them but hopefully just seeing their faces a few times will help you. Recognizing them just comes with time trust me, I used to struggle to find Race and now I see a pic of someone's feet and am like “ah yes Finch my boy”. Also, I’m only covering the newsies live cast because that’s what you can legally watch and what most people are familiar with. Also, I didn’t want to do every cast member to ever be on Broadway or tour.

Please note some of the things I’m about to say may not be canon but are part of what I know is widely considered true within the fandom. As far as sexuality I may mention it with some characters/who they’re commonly shipped with just so y’all aren’t lost when you see fics and things.

Jack: You know Jack so I’m not going that deep into his character. He’s 17, full name Francis Sullivan, newsie nickname is Cowboy. He’s the leader of the newsies of Lower Manhattan. A charismatic asshole who really just wants meaningful relationships and happiness for those he loves. Undeniably bisexual. Played by Jeremy Jordan.

Davey: Full name is David Jacobs, newsie nickname is Walking Mouth though he’s only addressed by his nickname in the 1992 movie. The most educated, attended school until he was around 17 ish. He’s a doofy little nerd and also mom friend ultimate, I repeat bc this is a defining trait Mom Friend Ultimate. I’m not sure if this is canon but pretty much everyone recognizes that he and his family are Jewish. Played by Ben Fankhauser.

Les: Sassy angel child. Full name Lesley Jacobs. Albert calls him shortstop a few times but it’s not quite a newsie name tm. 10 years old(almost). Also pretty Jewish. He’s kind of an impressionable little firecracker, he looks up to all the newsies but especially Jack. He just has a lot of energy and wants to hang with the big kids. Sass master in training. Buckets of charm packed into about 4 feet of human. Played by Ethan Steiner.

Crutchie: Crutchie! You know him! You’ve already fallen madly in love with him! Lost use of one of his legs to polio. Last name is Morris for sure and a lot of people say his real name is Charlie. Jack’s closest friend. He’s often painted as a pure sunshine boy, he is a pure sunshine boy. However, he is also tough, streetsmart and ready to fight. Very kindhearted and eternally optimistic. Played by Andrew Keenan-Bolger(you may see it abbreviated as AKB).

Race: This boy has lots of names so strap in. Racetrack Higgins is his name, people mostly call him Race not Racetrack. He is also sometimes called Racer. I don’t think this is canon but as a fandom, I think we’ve determined that he’s aggressively Italian and his real first name is Antonio, you may also see Anthony or Tony. Best friends with Albert. Crutchie is Jack’s best friend but Race is sort of Jack’s second in command. Sprace, him and Spot Conlon, are pretty much the biggest ship in Newsies. He’s a gambler and has an affinity for betting on horse races. He sells by the Sheepshead Racetrack hence his nickname. Very easy to recognize because he always has a cigar. The definition of a disaster gay. He has good intentions most of the time but is also a chaotic piece of shit. Played by Ben Tyler Cook(BTC).

Albert: Albert DaSilva is his name, having fantastic hair is his game. Race’s best friend. Personality is similar to Race but a little less chaotic, like he still does dumb things all the time but isn’t nearly as loud. Prankmaster and Sassmaster ultimate. Lives on the lower east side with his dad and two older brothers but generally that fact is ignored and he’s lumped in as living in the lodgings. His cap is on backwards most of the time which can help you recognize him. Played by Sky Flaherty.

Spot: Spot Conlon, the man, the myth, the legend. Leader of Brooklyn. Comically short but will also soak you without hesitation. Side note bc I didn’t know this for a long time: the newsies call beating someone up “soakin’ ‘em” because you beat them up so bad they’re soaked in blood. Back to Spot, he’s tough as nails but also cares about his boys in Brooklyn a lot. Played by Tommy Bracco.

Elmer: A smart yet small boy. Very good at math and science and somewhat interested in politics. He has 8 older siblings. Polish apparently? I learned this very recently?? A very friendly and sunshiney guy. The newsies make fun of him saying that he’s bad at selling papes. He’s a hardworker. This is definitely not canon but you may see his last name as being Kasprzak. This comes from Evan Kasprzak, the actor who played Elmer in the Papermill and Original Broadway Casts. People like writing about Elmer so they just kinda gave him that last name and it works. Played by Anthony Zas.

Jojo: Jorgelino Josephino De La Guerra where to begin. A good Catholic boy. He was raised by nuns in a cathedral in Harlem. A nice boy, a kind boy. Down for some shenanigans but is generally reasonable and doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. Very ambitious and wants to be a big baller(in KONY he wishes for a solid gold watch I mean). Played by Joshua Burrage.

Buttons: Benjamin Buttons Davenport, what a guy. So I don’t know that he’s actually younger but he definitely reads as a little more youthful. He’s optimistic and easily excitable and overall kinda has this genuine hope and happiness that some of the other guys have lost to the street. He lives with his family and has at least a few siblings but I feel like he has hella. Not gonna be last in line for the tub tonight. Played by Chaz Wolcott.

Romeo: Will flirt with anything that moves. He has very distinctive bright red and blue striped socks if that helps you identify him. Is one of the younger newsies but makes up for it with overconfidence. Very lighthearted, we never see him get too serious. A charmer through and through. Still a very kind and caring guy. Played by Nico DeJesus.

Specs: Specs is a good one. He wears glasses obviously so you can identify him pretty easy. Definitely on the older end of the newsies. There’s no basis for this in canon but I feel like he’s been around longer than Jack. Kind of helps lead and run things with Race and Jack because he’s the most responsible motherfucker in that lodging house. Think kinda like Davy where he’s a bit of a mom but more easygoing, less cautious and more one of the boys. Generally a happy guy and so so sweet. Very forward thinking and genuinely likes selling papes. Played by Jordan Samuels.

Finch: Finch! A personal favorite please show him love. Full name is Patrick Cortes. He has a family(or at least a mom) but ran away when he was little. He carries a slingshot with him a good amount of the time so use that to find him. He’s sarcastic, funny, and always rarin’ to go. Tough but not in an “I’ll fight you” way. He will fight you if needed but it’s more like “Life’s a bitch but look how far I’ve made it”. Kinda like a cool older brother vibe but throw in a good handful of antsy. Played by my main man Iain Young.

Sniper: Mkay it’s time for the tough boi trio, these next three are fighters. Last name is Wah. His dad is named Sam Wah and owns a laundromat above Jacobi’s Deli. You may see him as a girl in fics or hcs because for almost all of the tour he was played by a woman. Boy has aim like no other. He is confirmed to be the quickest and strongest of the newsies. Also sly and cunning. Boy’s like a snake or a fox or whatever simile you prefer but regardless be scared. Has a reputation so people don’t mess with him. Would never hurt another Manhattan boy, he’s scary but he defends his brothers. Played by Daniel Switzer.

Tommy Boy: Don’t know a ton about Tommy Boy but here we go. He’s a man of few words, when he talks his answers are brief and to the point. Not in a mean way though that’s just how he is. Appears to be confrontational as he’s consistently seen stepping to a fight(before the world will know when Jack says “keep your shirt on” and when he scabs he gets in people’s faces). A good dependable guy but kinda mysterious, I would not provoke. Played by Michael Dameski.

Mush: Last name is Myers. First name is possibly Nick? In the real strike, there was a boy named Nick Myers so. He lives in Harlem?? But who cares about canon, ignore that. Mush is a ‘hattan boy. Has a lisp. He considers himself to be the muscle of Manhattan and will throw down for his brothers. When the strikebreakers show up, Jack literally has to hold him back because Mush is just trying to get to those hoes so he can protect the rest of the boys just yellin’ “Nah man I’ll get ‘em”. Very caring and very selfless. Boy’s got muscle but is totally a teddy bear with a heart of gold. I’ve always thought of him as your classic rough and tumble but clean-cut caring all-American boy. Played by Nick Masson.

Henry: Last name is possibly butler after the real life newsboy, Henry Butler but the only confirmed name we have is Henry. Became a newsie at 11 when his dad died and his family lost their deli. Has a mom who he still sees sometimes but doesn’t live with. Boy really likes food. It reminds him of the deli with his dad and also he just really. likes. food. Fairly easygoing, practical, and will call guys out on their bullshit(e.g. whom the fuck cares about being famous). Played by Michael Rios.

Smalls: Smalls! I don’t got much at all but here’s what I know. Very commonly thought about as a girl as Smalls was played by girlsies for all(?) of the Broadway run. Pretty firey or at least high energy. Sometimes headcannoned as being leader of the Bronx because in the normal not filmed staging he’s the one to yell “so’s the Bronx”. Played by Julian DeGuzman.

Mike: Twin brother of Ike. These guys are hard to tell apart because they’re played by actual twins but here are some distinctions. Mike wears a brown cap, a plaid shirt, and green socks. Played by Jacob Guzman.

Ike: Twin brother of Mike. Has a dark grey cap, a striped shirt, pin-striped pants, and brown socks. Both twins seem to be pretty fun-loving. They kinda rough house a lot and are often messing around. Played by David Guzman

Hotshot: A Brooklyn newsie, I don’t really know his deal? A typical production doesn’t have Hotshot in it but he was in the filmed version and was apparently there towards the end of the broadway run. Kind of arrogant and tough. Sometimes seen as Spot’s second. Has literally only ever been played by J.P. Ferreri.

Vince/Myron: Ok so for newsies live they just threw in some extra newsboys for the heck of it and this guy is one of those. I don’t even know his name because the actor who plays him also plays a strikebreaker. On the wiki cast list, it just lists him as playing Vince and Myron with no indication as to who’s the newsie and who’s the strike breaker. Just from the nature of the names I can guess that Vince is the newsie? A big tough Brooklyn boy. Played by Stephen Hernandez.

Willie/Bart: Same deal as Vince/Myron. I’d be willing to guess that Willie is the newsie. Another Brooklyn boy. Played by Andrew Wilson.

Kenny: Also thrown in just for newsies live but I actually know his name. A pretty sunny guy, as far as I can remember he’s always smiling. Not in any of the pictures because he’s not in any of those scenes. It’s the same guy who plays darcy so go to carrying the banner or once and for all and find the guy in the yellow suit. That’s Darcy, Kenny looks just like that but in newsie clothes. Played by Jack Sippel.

Am I about to throw Bill and Darcey in just for kicks? yeah I think I am. Ok so this is a last minute decision and I don’t have pictures for these guys but here we go.

Bill: Not a newsie. Son of William Randolph Hearst, owner of the New York Journal. Full name William Randolph Hearst Jr. Katherine and Darcey’s friend. A sophisticated, classy, educated boy. Not tough in a street way but is kind of cold/reserved or maybe just a bit calculating. You can definitely tell he’s a rich boy by the way he holds himself. Looks like Mush bc they’re played by the same actor. Blue suit. Played by Nick Masson.

Darcey: Not a newsie. Son of Whitelaw Reid, owner of the New York Tribune. Still high class but more excitable and interested in the newsies world. Very kind and always concerned of behalf of others. His sweetness does not equal weakness, when Romeo approaches Kath in Carrying the Banner, he’s ready to handle the situation. Yellow suit. Played by Jack Sippel.

so there we go that is every newsie I could think of and then some. I’m gonna attach the pictures I have of an old wikipedia cast list which is what I use for reference since the one that's on wiki now isn’t great

That’s it! If you actually read all this, God bless you. If I got anything blatantly wrong or if you have any questions please talk to me

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oceanwaterheart · 5 years

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TL;DR They didn’t lie to us as teenagers. I’m actually happy now.

I’ve been watching Dan and Phil since I was 18 years old, and it’s been a whirlwind. I still remember the day my dad sat myself, my mom, and my brother down and asked us to list out Internet usage for the last month (at the time we didn’t have unlimited), because it was barely midway through the month, and we’d already hit 90% of our usage. That was the day I learned out how much data YouTube sucks up (but thanks, Dan and Phil! You’re the reasons my dad got us unlimited Internet!)

They are also the reason for the first trip out of the city that I ever took without my parents. My friend Devon and I took a 5 hour train from Ottawa to Toronto, and saw The Amazing Tour is Not on Fire (and it was bloody awesome!)

I’ve never felt a sense of community quite like that before. It’s hard to describe the feeling that was in the audience that night, though I’m sure anyone else who was there or has ever been to a Dan and Phil show will know what I’m talking about. The whole audience, full of nerds, and freaks, and wallflowers dressed up in flower crowns and cat whiskers were all sitting in an auditorium full of people just like them, singing their happy little hearts out to all the songs from their cringe-y emo phases, and more.

It was the first time (but thankfully not the last) that I ever felt like I truly belonged somewhere.

This is not to say that I hadn’t belonged anywhere until then. I was subject to a lot of bullying growing up. Living with Tourettes Syndrome will do that to a kid, but c’est la vie.That being said, I always had a wonderful bunch of friends. I had a lot of drama and struggling throughout elementary school and high school, but at any given time, I had at least one or two terrific friends.

That didn’t stop me from feeling lonely much of the time, like something was missing, like I didn’t quite fit where I was. And I could never explain it. My friends loved me, and I loved them, but there was just something that was off, that was nagging at the back of my mind, silent, nameless, unidentifiable.

I had a lot of problems growing up: the afforementioned Tourette’s Syndrome, lying from someone that I thought I could trust the most, catfishing and friend drama, and just general stupid teenage girl shit.

I was called a lot of names. And by that, I do mean a lot.

But I was never called gay.

Boys did not go unnoticed in my life.

I was called boy crazy, I was asked which boy I had a crush on this time, I was made to feel like the only important thing worth discussing with other girls was boys, and if I didn’t have a boy that I liked, then what was the point? (I’d like to clarify, a select few friends - the ones I’m still friends with now - were not the ones who gave a shit. They were always wonderful.)

I’d love to say it never occurred to me that I might be gay until it did, that way I might have an excuse, but the truth is, it crossed my mind all the fu**ing time. But I surpressed it so deeply and so completely, that there was never any room for lingering thoughts beyond “I can’t be a lesbian” and “thank God I’m not a lesbian”.

I’m sure those of you that follow him, and honestly, even those that don’t (it is the number one trending video on YouTube, and has been covered by actual fu**ing news stations after all), have seen Dan Howell’s coming out video.

Dan is not the reason that I came out, nor is he the one that made me finally realize who I was. That credit goes to a few friends I met in college, who were so unafraid of being themselves that it was less a slap in a face, as much as it was a friendly face opening the closet door and saying “silly girl, what are you doing in there? The air is so much fresher out here!” And is it ever.

I think back to that very first show I went to with my friend, during the Amazing Tour is Not on Fire, and that sense of belonging, and I realize it was just a tiny sample of what it feels like to belong, to be truly okay and happy with who you are.

I didn’t have the same struggles as many did. I was never physically or verbally abused for being gay, I was never shut out by friends, I was never made to feel like shit.

And yet, heteronormativity is such a real thing.

I’d never given much thought to the word, dismissing it as something people used in overexaggeration, until I came out to the girl who is currently my best friend, and who was already openly gay at the time. At the time I had decided I must just be bisexual, and aside from a panic attack in an Uber ride home, it was relatively easy to finally accept once I gave it proper thought, instead of the years of vehement dismissal I’d previously done. And when I told her, she asked how long I’d known, and I said about half a year, but that realistically, I knew it had always been there. I explained the thoughts, the dismissal, the hurried relief, and she said “that’s heteronormativity for you.” And it finally hit me, the problem we’re all facing.

Dan Howell is not the reason I came out, by the time his video came out yesterday, I’d been out (to the first few people I told, though the list has been steadily growing) for over a year.

But I think what Dan did was so, so, incredibly important.

This post has been a general jumble, and my English Degree and Creative Writing Diploma are hissing at me for not articulating my thoughts better. But I need to say that watching Dan’s video yesterday was a wave of relief and belonging that I didn’t even realize I’d been waiting for all this time.

This beautiful YouTuber I’ve been watching for about six years now is just one of many people I identify with now, and the people I actually owe thanks to are the friends that were there and accepted me for who I was without batting an eye, and made it so easy to stop questioning myself.

But we need people like Dan, icons that can stand up in front of the masses and say “listen, bitches, it’s okay to be who you are”, because this feels like a turning point. The reaction to his video has been so overwhelmingly positive, so why can’t it be that way for everyone else who’s still unsure of themselves, and are still figuring themselves out?

That’s all everyone who’s ever had to come out has ever needed. Dan talked about it in his video, I had it, my not-straight friends all had it. We all just need someone who will understand and assure us that we’re okay.

That’s the real first step towards true equality.

So, thanks, Dan, and truly well done. And just for the sake of making this a touch creepy, because I’ve made this mushy enough: Welcome to our ranks. ;)

#dan howell #pride #I mean sometimes I think of it as someone kindly opening the closet door for me #other times I think of it as the closet forcibly ejecting me #either way #I'm pretty happy with who I am

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blairwaldcrf · 6 years

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Questions For LGBT Ladies #LGBTask

Here are some random questions pertaining to LGBT Ladies. Have others ask you or simply answer them yourself. Please reblog!

((I’m just going to answer them all because I’m bored and very vain))

1. How do you define your sexuality? I identify with the label of bisexual, but my friends tell me i’m probably more pan

2. At what age did you first realize that you like girls? when I was 12 i freaked out because i noticed that girls in my grade were getting boobs and that made me feel things lmao, but i didn’t hardcore fall for someone till i was 17

3. At what age did you first come out? 17 to all of my friends, coworkers, and one of my cousins, 25 to my (mormon) biological family

4. Who was the first person you came out to? How did they take it? my cousin, who was gay and obviously very supportive... they’re now living a full life as a married transgender woman and inspire me every day!

5. How out are you? completely! flaming bi!

6. Has coming out lost you any friends? it did in high school, because most of my friends were mormon, but pretty much all of them came around

7. What is your current relationship status? single, trying to get over my ex fiance? type person

8. How many LGBT friends do you have? lol, um i’m blanking on all of them but i know at least 7 that i talk to frequently

9. Do you have any LGBT relatives? yep! one transgender/poly/pan cousin from my dad’s side... and i’m the gay cousin for my mom’s side lmao

10. Have you ever cut your hair super short? in elementary school my mom gave me the shortest pixie cut ever and everyone thought i was a boy... since then I’ve cut it semi short but never shorter than beside my ears

11. How often do you wear flannel? surprisingly not that often, i only have two flannel shirts

12. How much do you like cats? like at least 60% depending on the cat

13. Do you wear skirts and dresses? If so, how often? i freaking love wearing dresses, but i hate skirts... dresses are like the least maintenance clothing ever

14. Do you wear high heels? If so, how often? um no, they’re not my thing

15. Do you have any tattoos? If so, what of and where? yep, a cactus on my ankle

16. How accurate is your gaydar? 90%

17. Have you ever been to a gay bar or a gay club? yes!!

18. How do you feel when platonic female friends refer to each other as girlfriends? fucking annoyed tbh

19. Have you ever had a crush on a straight girl? hasn’t everyone??

20. Ellen or Portia? Portia for sure, although i love my girl Ellen

21. Is your nose pierced? nah

22 Would you ever want to get married, if not already? i’m a hopeless romantic

23. Will you wear a dress for your wedding? oooh yes and hopefully my wife will too

24. Would you ever want to give birth? oh i would love to but i can’t physically

25. Have you ever watched The L Word? lmfao yes i’m a good bi

26. Have you ever dated a guy? yep, and regretted it 7/10 times

27. How do you feel when someone uses the word gay to mean stupid, dumb, or boring? obviously annoyed

28. How many rainbow items do you own? umm at least one flag

29. Have you ever been to a pride festival? yes, i even got to walk in it!

30. Have you ever celebrated National Coming Out Day (October 11)? yes

31. Have you ever participated in the National Day of Silence? yes

32. Have you ever worn a woman’s suit? hell yeah in middle school lmao

33. Have you ever worn any men’s clothing? um i mean “men’s clothing” is a subjective term, but like I’ve worn men’s boxers and shit...?

34. Do you eat meat? i love meat

35. Do you consider yourself a feminist? yep!

36. Who is your favorite LGBT celebrity? ahhh, um... probably Ellen? Although Adam Rippon is starting to sway me lmao

37. Are you religious at all? not particularly, although sort of neobuddhist/wiccan

38. How often do you find yourself trying to sneak a peak or staring at a cute female? 15/10 times

39. What is your ideal first date? like, just any date where i’m with a girl tbh

40. Are you comfortable with terms such as lezzie, lesbo, dyke, or tranny? sort of okay with lesbo, but the rest are offensive to me

41. How outdoorsy are you? i fucking love camping and mountains

42. In general, has being open about your sexuality affected your relationships with other females? yes, some lesbians i’ve dated were super biphobic

43. How much makeup do you typically wear? in public, plenty. at home, none

44. Have you ever attended a gay or lesbian wedding? yep!

45. Are you more feminine or more masculine? i’m genderfluid, but slightly more masculine

46. How long is the longest relationship you’ve been in? Are you still with that person? 5 years, and no

47. Have you and a girlfriend ever been mistaken for sisters? nope

48. Do you think it is possible for someone to truly be a 50/50 bisexual, or is the percentage always skewed in favor of one gender? ugh this is literally the fucking worst question. bisexuality is valid no matter the percentage of any gender attraction you bitch muffin

49. Have you ever wished you were completely straight? no tbh

50. Do you watch any LGBT YouTubers? Rose and Rosie

51. Do you wear any combat boots, Doc Martins, or Timberlands? combat boots

52. Have you ever been hit on by another female? yes it’s an electrifying experience

53. How athletic are you? i stand up sometimes

54. What are your views on gender identity and bathroom use? free bathrooms

55. What is your opinion of septum/bull nose piercings? not my thing

56. What does equality mean to you? that everyone has an equal chance to achieve the same goal

57. If you are not a lesbian, about what percentage of the time do you find yourself attracted to other females? 99.9%

58. Have you ever shared clothes with a girlfriend? lol yes it’s the best

59. Have you ever liked or dated a girl with the same name as you? nah

60. How flirty are you? pretty flirty, i’m a libra

61. Are you a virgin? virginity is a construct, but no

62. Do you listen to any LGBT musicians (i.e. Tegan & Sara, Melissa Ehteridge, Chely Wright, Elton John, Sam Smith, George Michael, Adam Lambert)? in highschool me and my exgf would rock to emo tegan & sara

63. Have you ever been told that you are too pretty to be gay? yep

64. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your sexuality or gender identity? If so, please explain. all the fucking time... i don’t want a threesome, i’m not going to cheat because i’m bi, etc etc

65. Have you ever driven an SUV, Jeep, or a pickup truck? nah

66. Are you or have you ever been a tomboy? oooh boy, let me tell you. yes

67. Agree or disagree: Everyone is at least a little bit gay. ummm, 90%?

68. What personality trait are you most attracted to? intelligence

69. Boobs or butts? boobs

70. Beer or wine? hard liquor

71. Do you have a favorite lesbian movie? ... it’s still Imagine Me & You... the leads are so god-tier beautiful

72. From 1-10, how attractive are muscular women? 9

73. From 1-10, how attractive are women who wear glasses? this is dumb

74. From 1-10, how attractive are women who are covered with tattoos? 8

75. From 1-10, how attractive are curvy/plus-size women? 9

76. From 1-10, how attractive are women with short hair? 6

77. From 1-10, how attractive are masculine butch women? 4

78. From 1-10, how attractive are highly intelligent women? 10

79. From 1-10, how attractive are tall women (i.e. around 6 feet or taller)? 7

80. Have you ever been on your period the same time as a girlfriend? lol yes

81. Has a girl ever dumped you for a guy? Have you? i dumped a girl who was cheating on me with a guy

82. Do you carry a purse? yes?

83. Do you wear any hats such as snapbacks or beanies? yes

84. Have you ever pretended to be completely straight? nope

85. Would you ever date a trans girl? yes!

86. How well do you think LGBT women are portrayed on television? not extremely well, but it’s getting better

87. Have you ever had a crush on a woman who’s much older than you? Sandra Bullock..

88. Do you have any celebrity crushes? fucking Gal Gadot man

89. Do you have any opinions on LGBT people in the military? keep them safe and start regulating sexual assault of all military members

90. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

91. Have you ever been told that you look gay (i.e. like a lesbian)? occasionally, depending on what i’m wearing

92. Where do you think is the best place to meet a potential lover? fuck if i know

93. Is there such a thing as “good” lesbian porn? yes... if it’s made by lesbians

94. Have you ever had a one night stand? lol yes, but not with girls

95. How often do you wear a bra? 91% of the time

96. Have you ever been part of a softball team? lol no

97. If you could live your life all over again, would you still be attracted to other women? honestly i’d rather be attracted to only women instead of being bi

98. What stereotype about LGBT women do you disagree with the most? that bi women don’t belong

99. What advice would you give a girl who is struggling to figure out her sexuality? watch Imagine Me & You

100. What advice would you give a girl who is struggling to come out? it takes time... just let it happen and know that the time will come naturally

@caiterprince and @angryfinnstan who I know are wlw, you should answer some of these if you want because i love you and want to get to know more!!!

#personal #non fandom #wlw #wlw tag

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theletterformallyknownasq · 4 years

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Kaja - August 22nd, 2018

Me: All right. Session 2. I'm here with Kaja Vang. Thank you for allowing me to interview you and hear your stories and your experiences of being Queer and immigrant while living and working and making home in Minnesota. Can you tell me how you received your name? Kaja: My mom said that my grandma had a dream and it was filled with a lot of fireflies. She just woke up and told my mom 'you're gonna name your kid Kab Ntsha.' That's how you pronounce it in Hmong. Kab meaning Bug, Ntsha meaning Light. And my mom was like 'OK cool.' And then she gave me my middle name which is Mindie. But my grandma basically named me.

Me: Have you ever revisited that story with your family to confirm that? Kaja: When I was a teenager, yeah. So my grandma passed this past winter, so I wish I took the time to actually talk to my grandma and figure out how did she specifically came up with my name. Because memories and words aren't always 100% what my people say. My mom is super dramatic sometimes. So when I was little when I first entered the academic world, my teacher couldn't pronounce my name, so they came up with Kaja, I just went with it. Then I was like, 'is that how I pronounce my name?' It sounded way easier. So I'm like 'OK cool whatever.' And then when I was transitioning into my freshman year in college, I was like 'oh I really want to reclaim my name and make sure people say it right.' And then I was talking to this white boy. He's like, "What's your name?" I'm like 'It's Kab Ntsha.' He's like 'Oh, ganja like weed?' And from that point I'm like 'nope, zip, I'm going with Kaja, pronounce my name wrong. I don't give a shit.' I only correct you if I love you dearly and you're a part of my life and I want that to be a thing. But general strangers, the youth that I work with, they sometimes call me the wrong name that sounds similar to Kaja. And people always question 'Oh is that how you say your name in Hmong?' And I'm like, 'no but I'm not trying to teach you right now.' Me: How have people mispronounced your name? Kaja: They call me Kaia which is like some white European shit. It's K-A-I-A instead of the J. They call me Kesha. Me: No. Kaja: They call me Tasha. Me: Nahhhh. But The "T"?! Kaja: Right? But that's the general gist of what people call me. And I just don't want to correct them unless I really care about them. Me: How do you identify? Pronouns et al? Kaja: I identify as a nonbinary and Queer Hmong writer. I write a lot. I'm pretty gay. Me: You kind of already touched on this but where's your family from? Kaja: So they are technically from Laos. I don't know my dad's history, I mainly know my mom’s. She grew up in the refugee camps in Thailand. Thailand and Laos is where my family is from. Me: And what brought them to Minnesota? Kaja: Colonialism. White supremacy. The U.S.-Vietnam War. My mom was born in 1974, so she grew up in the middle to end-ish of the Vietnam War. My mom's the oldest in her family and she had I think two younger brothers at that time when my grandma decided to leave Laos to go to the refugee camps in Thailand. She left my mom and her younger sister behind. So my mom and her younger sister had to basically leave. Someone ended up taking them to a refugee camp somewhere. I'm not sure if it's in Laos or Thailand. My mom was like 5 or something. She found aunties at the refugee camps and every morning before the sun rose, she would exit the refugee camp and then knock on neighbors’ doors and beg for food and she would come home, come back to the refugee camp and feed her younger sister. All the aunties kept telling her that her mom didn't love her, that she abandoned her and her father left as well. My granddad left way before my grandmother left to go to another refugee camp. But eventually a couple of years later, my grandpa came back and realizes she's his daughter, tells her to leave with him. And the whole family got reunited in the United States again. Me: Wow. I’m holding that for you, that's really heavy and hard to recall. My family had a similar experience but we were never displaced from our homelands. Thank you for sharing that. And what has kept them and yourself here? Kaja: I think the hopes and dreams of living a better life. For my parents, this is what they've always thought the U.S. would be. A place you can make it on your own and have your own business and be wealthy in terms of what Hmong immigrants think is successful. In my eyes, they're super successful. They have always thrown themselves into new experiences. So I grew up in a grocery store that my mom and dad got handed down from shady ass uncles. My mom and dad just kind of winged everything and learned everything about business by themselves. And they've always pushed me to be super innovative, creative, and to make a lot of money. And for me the reason why I'm here is because I'm about community. I found people who love me for who I am, and really support me and my journey of finding and expressing my authentic self. And that's why I'm here. Me: Would you want to stay in Minnesota? Kaja: For the time being, yes. I’m pretty sure this is an excuse for myself, but my parents are transitioning from owning a grocery store and then having the state buy the land because they want to pave a highway through it and do this man-made sewage lake thing.

Kaja: So then my mom and dad then purchased another commercial building a few miles away from the original one and this was a transitioning time my mom got her hairstyling license. And we bought this commercial building with the money that the government gives and my mom opened up her own beauty salon. And so right now, business has been going down and instead of renting out the open spaces in the building, my dad decided to renovate the middle space and make it a grocery store again. And so right now I'm kind of stuck helping them. Feeling obligated to be here for them still. But I mean I would like to move elsewhere and experience what life could be or how community looks like outside of Minnesota. Me: Hmm. East Coast then, maybe? Kaja: I haven't been there as an adult. I've only been to New York when I was a teenager. Me: What do you do for a living? Kaja: I work at a homeless drop-in center for youth between 16 and 23. I'm basically a social worker that stays in one spot. I don't leave the building ever, so I just do a lot of case management stuff or I build relationships with youth and provide them basic needs. But outside of that stuff that I do for a living that I don't get paid for, I do a lot of community organizing but not in terms of what the white structure of what community organizing is. I write and hope that would be something I can get paid to do one day. But I'm still trying to figure that out. Me: Next question is what gives you joy? Kaja: Gives me joy? Off the top of my head, I think puppies and babies. That gives me joy as well as connecting and getting to know more Queer and Trans folks of color as well as seeing how my parents are slowly learning and shifting their verbiage of talking about Queer and Trans Hmong people. My mom and dad are always using the excuse that they're too old and can't learn anything new, relying heavily on their kids. Just seeing the initial moment where I told my mom that I'm Queer. She's been referring to my partner as my partner instead of my friend. Slow steps. And that's cool with me. And that brings me a lot of joy, intermingled with a lot of frustration and anger. Good food brings me joy. Eating with other people brings me joy. I hate eating by myself. Me: What does Queer mean to you? I'm going to ask you to elaborate on your definition. Kaja: Queer. It means freedom or space to invest in yourself where you're liberated from the constraints of who you should be. So before I came out or identified as being Queer, I wondered if I was bisexual, and then was like ‘nah, bisexual doesn't feel like me, doesn't feel good to me.’ And then I wondered if I’m pansexual? Am I just attracted to people's personalities? And I'm like ‘nah, that doesn't feel good to me.’ And coming across the word Queer and having a community to reclaim that word again felt right. And it didn't feel too constraining or too rigid, but rather I get to define what Queer means to me. And you might have a different definition and that's cool. I don't mind that. But to me, it just means I'm able to move freely in my journey of discovering all of my identities and how that affects me in the ways that I navigate life. Me: What do you like or don't like about the mainstream definition? Kaja: I don't like white Queers. They're terrible. I have a couple of co-workers who are white cis gay men who say stuff like, "Back in my day, the word Queer was horrible. I don't know why you young kids are using it now." And I'm like ‘ok, to each their own, whatever. Don't judge me. Don't judge anyone.’ And then to the younger Queers or Queers my age, the mainstream usage of it just seems too academic where you have to have the right definition of Queer. And there is no fucking right definition of Queer. And even if your definition doesn't match, you're shunned. Using the word Queer in the mainstream way just seems so full of privilege and whiteness and I don't like that.

Me: Amen. Affirming all of those things. How does your family's culture define Queer? Kaja: YIKES. Me: If they can? Kaja: It's like an intermix of adopting the english word 'gay' to describe all types of Queer relationships and Queerness. Using slang terms. I don't know how to say it correctly, but it's a word that people have adapted to describe Trans women in community. But that's a really negative context that they use it in. It's just also kind of not spoken about. We don't talk about it. We don't acknowledge it. We pretend that Queer and Trans Folk people have never existed before and people think you're just crazy and that you need to find yourself a good man or woman then you'll be OK. I can't describe it in words but rather like in feelings of what Queerness means to the Hmong Community. A lot of shame and guilt and a lot of gaslighting that happens. Like an out of body experience of where you're like ‘Oh am I really Queer?’ But we don't have a word for it. It's shameful. So they think I'm just crazy. So I should probably marry a man.

Me: Last question before we get kicked out of this booth! It's a lil long though. If you could address the most influential public figures and decision makers in the state right now, what would you say about improving the standard of living for someone like yourself in Minnesota? Kaja: Well I don't know the academic term, but the health care where they don't bill you separately and you never meet your deductions and so you have to pay out of pocket for your health care. Universal health care that's affordable. Affordable in terms of we're not sacrificing X Y and Z to pay off our health care bills. We need health care that is encompassing all identities and all genders and all needs so we don't always have to go to specialty doctors and having to pay more and take the chances to cover it out of pocket. Kaja: Housing. Having a more sustainable way of providing housing for folks. Because homelessness is a huge issue here and people always go 'well why don't they work? Then they can get a place. Why isn't there enough public housing?' But there is enough public housing. The thing is we don't provide support to make that housing sustainable for them and we're only worried about if they're going to make enough money on time to pay for rent. It's more than that. It also includes mental health that affects their stability in housing. It also affects what barriers do people have to go through, especially being Queer and Trans and folks of color, to get jobs that pay you well and pay you enough so that you're able to have sustainable housing and that you don't always have to move here and there. And at the end of your lease, if your rent has gone up, you don't always have to find a new place, you know? We're always being displaced. We're always being moved. We are constantly forced to choose. Choose to live in a communal space where we're sharing a house with people, like 6-8 people in one place. And it's not like I only want my own house or my own space, but instead I want that to be a choice rather than out of necessity. Where you have Queer and Trans folks of color having to pool money together, having to share the little resources that they have to be able to support one another. That shouldn't be a thing. It should feel like a choice. But we're doing it out of necessity and survival. Put more Queer and Trans people in higher positions instead of assessing their background in education and experience and them not being good enough for those positions. Or the worry or the threat that we pose as Queer and Trans folks of color when we're trying to get hired for a supervisor position. It's not a threat to you and your power for the company to hire more Queer and Trans folks of color in a higher position.

Me: Well it challenges a power structure, that's why they don't do it. Make us the public figures and decision makers? Kaja: Hell yeah. Especially if you're working with Black and Brown youth, don't you think that? Me: They would respond a little more if they recognized themselves in the people in positions of power?

Kaja: Yeah. Like, why would you hire a white person to fill a role who doesn't reflect the population you’re serving? Me: Or does it? Kaja: Oooooh. Me: On that note. I think that is really awesome. Thank you Kaja!

#interviews

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reyarey · 7 years

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About LGBTQ+

So this was brought up about @therealjacksepticeye‘s video, “A Normal Lost Phone.” Don’t worry, it’s nothing against the community. It’s for the community, as a matter of fact.

I’m not a part of the community, by any means. Yes, I’m a girl. Yes, my dad has told me that I’m the closest to a son he’ll ever get because I only have sisters and no brothers. No, that does not mean that I identify as trans or lesbian or bi. I’m a straight woman and I can’t ever see myself actually dating another girl. But that’s not my point.

I absolutely LOOOOVE the LGBTQ+ community. Which is strange, seeing as I’m a Cradle Catholic and I shouldn’t really like anybody in the spectrum, but I’m not “strict” catholic.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I’m just writing as I go. But the more I hear of Bisexuals in the LGBTQ+ community be harassed by other people in the community like straight people harass gays and lesbians, the more I hear about people of the community being harassed or hurt in any way, makes me want to punch something, or somebody. Because they can be who they want to be.

My very close friend, and story editor, @the-trashiest-garbage, is demi. I see people in my school being openly bi and lesbian. Hell, I’ve seen a lesbian couple kiss in the middle of a crowd and nobody bats an eye. They see it as normal and walk past without having a second thought. That’s what I want to see more of. I follow people in the LGBTQ+ community, like my friend before and @thatsthat24 so I know somewhat of what’s going on in the community. I’m not a scientist, however. I don’t have a PHD on the matter and I don’t go scanning through the tags. I’m not in the community, I just follow people who are in the community. It would just feel wrong for me to reblog and post stuff about the community.

I’m currently on vacation and two of my cousins are priests. The first cousin that visited, we had a normal conversation. Catching up, laughing, the latter. The second one, however, that conversation made me extremely uncomfortable. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave or speak my mind because I have Anxiety and I constantly worry about whether I hurt feelings or not.

Basically, the conversation migrated into the beliefs I’m supposed to have with the community. My cousin was saying that it’s not right and he only gave examples of people going to the extreme. And only to the extreme. Beforehand, I was happy to give input on the conversation topic, despite my introverted nature, but as soon as that topic came up, I kept my mouth shut.

I know this post is just turning into a dump of examples of random stuff, but it all spurs from one moral: I. Do not. Give a shit. About your sexuality, race, or anything like that. Done something bad in your past? I don’t care. It’s in your past, you (hopefully) learned from it, and as long as you don’t do anything bad to me when we’re friends, great. BFFs. As long as you’re nice, I don’t care about anything else. We might have a problem with genderfluids thought. Because I’ve been so conditioned to think that, “Oh, you were born a boy? Pronouns are he/him.” If I screw up your pronouns, I’m sorry. I’m trying, I really am.

Guys, accept who you are. Ignore everybody else that says otherwise. Homosexual? Cool. I support you. Bi? I support you. Asexual, pansexual, demisexual? I don’t give a shit, BE MY FRIEND! Stop being insecure, because insecurity is the last thing that you should have in your life, especially if it’s about who you are as a person.

A lot of you guys will probably find some plotholes here where some stuff doesn’t make sense. Dudes, I’m 16 and still trying to figure out my own life, but I know my morals and I know who I want in my life, and that’s you guys because I want to support you and hug your doubts away.

#lgbt #lgbtq #pride #lgbt+#lgbt pride #lgbtq+#everybody who disagrees with this post should unfollow me #mine #random #I'm not kidding here guys #I actually believe this

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pursuitofbrattiness-blog · 7 years

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Second

Things have been stressful but otherwise pretty decent lately. My bf and I celebrated our first anniversary together and now we are beginning to look for places come August 1st. I started therapy weekly for the time being. My first real appointment is on the 29th. It's crazy how long this journey has taken. I always thought when you're in a dire situation like needing mental help or being suicidal that they swooped in and actually took care of you. Luckily there have been no copay so far, but my bill from the emergency behavioral outreach and the hospital have totaled $2400+. I keep saying I was taken involuntarily and I was, but it's not like I didn't need the help. The bills are a sobering reminder of where I was versus where I need to be. Sometimes I sit back and think where did my life go? I'm 27 now and don't see a very promising future, except if you are thinking in terms of retail management. My poor choices have limited me so much in my future. I have a poor credit score and work a job $3 ish dollars over minimum wage, so in turn I live in a shit hole, drive a shitty car, and have an overall shitty life. I try not to be mad or have any resentment toward anyone. Who am I kidding? I did this all to myself. Everything. So therefore I am the only one who can help myself get out of it. I used to do so much. Martial arts, honors student, gifted writer, won the geography bee, etc etc. And then everything just kind of ... changed. Gradually. I remember when I started dating. My first bf and I are still very good friends to this day. We were together for like two years. That is, if I could find him. This was before everyone had cell phones. You actually had to work for it. Anyway he came out of the closet and left me. I was unhappy at first but soon came to realize that I would be even more unhappy in a sham relationship and if I truly do love him for who he is (which I still do, always.), then I should be happy with him trying to find his own happiness. I feel like my existence is made up of chapters and each chapter is named after the boy or man I chose to be with in that period of time. I used relationships as a way to identify myself for so long that I lost touch with who I really was as a person. I'm not sure if I've still even found that girl yet. Overall I had a pretty decent childhood. We were never rich, but my parents always made sure we had everything we needed. My older sister and I each received an LL Bean backpack when we started first grade and we were expected to maintain it and keep it throughout elementary school, we had chores, after school program, etc. I started going to camp when I was around 8 and continued until 17. I took martial arts and aspired to do something with my life. My parents pushed us a lot though, and it was sometimes hard on us girls. They expected us to socialize and play outside with the other kids. When I was like maybe 5 I met the neighbor kids. It was soon after that I knew about sex, knew what a blow job was, and just generally things a 5 year old shouldn't know. I would say that one of the single worst memories I have in my entire life is this: Couldn't have been more than 6 years old at the time. The neighbor boy asked if I wanted to see something. He wasn't even that much older than me. Maybe 7? 8? It's really kind of fuzzy after 20 years. Anyway, of course I wanted to see something. He led me into the back hall to the apartment building we lived in and pulled down his pants, exposing his penis. He said now you. I wasn't exactly sure what to do or say. I do remember what I was wearing though. Minnie Mouse romper thing. Light up sneakers. I did what he said. He asked if I had ever sucked dick before. No, I replied cautiously. He told me to close my eyes and open my mouth. I did so. Wider he says. I tightened my eyes abs opened as wide as I could. And that's when I tasted it. It tasted like cigarettes and laundry detergent. It was brief. I pulled away and opened my eyes. I saw my sister and his sister staring in through the glass on the door we went through. I didn't know what to think. Didn't get it. Stuff like that happened between the brother and the sister and I until they finally moved away. To this day I know I'm not completely heterosexual and know that this probably was the catalyst. I have always been ashamed. Always hid it. Never wanted to talk about it. Would leave the room and feel uncomfortable if a lesbian couple was featured on TV, for instance. Nowadays I suppose the society we live in would say that I'm absolutely silly for hiding it. I never found out why I have such a shame for it. I'm bisexual through and through, but I really do prefer the company of men. It's weird. Sexuality is a vast and diverse thing, and talking about my own experience makes me understand a little bit more. Other bad things happened that I don't want to divulge right now. But they were really bad. And had a really profound impact on who I am as a person. I became the girl that automatically equates sex with love. Not necessarily a bad thing definitely, but it's also hurt me quite a bit. Men can be cruel. I can be, too, however. My second boyfriend was the prime example of this. I was 16 and he was 21 and I took advantage pretty damn hard. I mean, who wouldnt? I also took his virginity so nowadays I think about what he did and it makes more sense to me, especially given what I went through. Anyway this dude was getting SSI and I met him thru my ex boyfriend (yes the gay one) and on the internet kind of. It was a mixture. Anyway this dude had cerebral palsy and was getting like 550 a month. Of course once we started dating it was ALL going to me. Dumb shit, too. Dinners, $45 blankets at hot topic, just stupid shit. I was a kid so I liked dumb shit. He liked fucking a kid because he was/is a sexual predator. Ugh I got so fat and gross. I started the depo shot when I was like 16.5 or 17 and gained so much weight. I ended up getting pregnant and yeah something bad happened so we wont really go into detail about that. I started smoking weed as much as I could and drinking to legit get fucked the fuck up. Like puke, drink, repeat. Binge drinking. Soon the relationship between palsy dude and I was growing sour. He was starting to become physically abusive, and using items and marriage proposals, and cheap fucking 1/10 diamond rings from walmart to try to lure me in. I dropped out of high school and almost joined the fucking military. I quit martial arts. I was legit becoming a shell. Crying out for any attention I could at home. My parents were too busy trying to repair their marriage. I get it now, mom and dad. I can't even imagine how you guys did it all and managed to save your marriage. I understand why it had to be done. I acted like a casualty of it for years. It finally dawned on me that they were trying to save it for ME. For my sis and I. I'm truly grateful now. They are still together and seem to be more in love than ever. Someday I will have something this healthy. Anyway the first time palsy dude (and yes that is what he will be referred to as. First bf is gay bf. Deal with it. He loves it.) was physical with me was after some brief altercation we had had. I called him stupid. He was driving his fuckin piece of shit Intrepid and stopped short at a stop sign. He looked me dead in the eyes and wrenched my windpipe with his good hand. Don't you ever fucking call me that again. He said through gritted teeth. His forehead turned red and he started breathing heavily through his nose before shoving me backwards and letting me go. Instantly my eyes welled up with tears and I think .02 seconds after that, he was sorry. He was always fuckin sorry. It continued to get worse. Shoving me into walls, kicking me when I was laying in the fetal position crying. Blaming me for what happened when I got pregnant. Blowing my fuckin cell phone up and running up my parents bill, always wanted to know where I was. So I apparently had gradually decided months ago the best course of action was to make him my life and quit my sport, quit school, join the military and make him and army husband. It all sounds so fuckin ridiculous now, but that's what my plan was. Til shit started going sour. My parents intervened after finding out I had missed about 90 days of school. Everyday before I left, I unhooked the phone so when the school called looking for me, the line was unreachable. I ended up in alternative school where I learned math easily from a computer, and graduated high school with like a 3.2 average or something. I went to school 7 am to 10 am and worked as much as I could for a drug store downtown. Once I got that job I found my independence and literally decided one day I did not need to be treated the way palsy dude saw fit. I was hanging out more and more with gay ex bf and his little sister, among them their friends, which in turn became my friends. A veritable menagerie of different scenes, culminating into the love for two things. Partying, and trying to find the means to do so. I had a job so I would buy weed and booze any chance I could get and share with everyone. A lot of times I would go to gay ex bfs dad's house after school and wait for him to come over so we could hang and party. Smoke maybe do some pills and drink. There was another reason I would go over there. Gay ex bfs dad was a heroin addict and I felt really bad for him because he was very kind and gave me a lot of advice and tried to help me in my future. I feel like I was making him hamburger helper everyday for at least a few months. Always with a couple slices of cheese on top. He used to ask for it, but then I would just routinely go into the fridge and see what I could make for us. Sometimes when he would eat, he would start to go to sleep so I would make sure he stayed awake and smoked his cigarette and ate and had a drink of water before he fell asleep again. Sometimes I would make sure the little sister would get to school at a decent time, although no one could ever control her after you dropped her off at the middle school. I always loved that about her. She always marched to the beat of her own drum. Anyway, I broke up with palsy dude. He had been living in a rooming house in my city to be closer to me. I told him i was done. He smashed a ceramic mug he had and sliced his wrists over and over. I was in awe and surely did not know what to say or do. He blocked the door and cried to me to reconsider. I had to call the cops. I went to my friends house after and my friends mother consoled me. My parents picked me up and took me home. He killed the hamster he bought me after that I'm pretty sure. He harassed me for weeks. Finally the day after my 18th birthday he called my cell. Not sure why but I answered. He sounded hysterical as usual. I heard wind blowing into the speaker which meant he was outside somewhere. What the fuck do you want I said. He replied, through gritted teeth I'm sure, I wanted to do this on your birthday. Now the sound I heard after I can only describe as dropping a heavy book in an empty room, on a wood floor. The phone hung up. I looked at my friends who I was with at the time and said something to the effect of I think this motherfucker shot himself. So I decide to call back. This dude fucking answers. When I ask him what happened he confirmed my fear of shooting himself. But miraculously he DIDN'T DIE. BECAUSE AFTER HE TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED I CALLED FUCKIN 911. I GUESSED THAT HE WAS AT HIS PARENTS, THAT WOULD BE THE ONLY PLACE HE WENT THAT DIDN'T HAVE THE SOUND OF THE CITY IN THE BACKGROUND. Oh how right i was and they jetted on over to put his face back together. So they did plastic surgery and looks 100% better now, which makes my story even more fucking unbelievable. I mean I haven't seen him IN PERSON for years, almost a decade actually, but his Facebook (yes I creep) makes him look completely normal. Here's the fuckin kicker. I had to get a restraining order on him. He still tried his damndest to contact me through any means possible. I was scared and just wanted it all to be over so I finally got the balls to tell him to leave me alone or face jail time. Needless to say he did. He's in an unhappy marriage and has a child. I only know this because he is a Facebook creep too and COULD NOT RESIST seeing what's up with my fine ass after all these years. Basically said gl with the kids and shitty marriage douche. Man that felt good.

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apostleofsilence · 6 years

Text

Vaguely Rhymes with Dance Bincard.

Well, actually, this one was a bit of a stretch, but I figured that not only would this be more fitting, it also further obscures his identity by referring to him only in vague rhymes of one of his older aliases. Anyway.

So yeah, my buddy, we'll just call him "Rhymes-with-pants", or just "pants" for short. I dunno why, but the wordplay helps with this. Easier to talk about if I can jest about it, and bonus points, the narcissists into constantly googling themselves can't just find this by accident. If they arrive here, they have earned their way into my stream of consciousness. Unless one of them has discovered me by cheating!!! and browsing my phone without my permission. In which case, good job, I guess. You found the warpzone to the final level or something. Whatever. I'm procrasrinating, because unlike all that came before, this story hurts the most to tell.

Not because he is more important to me than everyone else I have lost for any period of time, but because this one is the one that will never, dearest reader, have a "good ending" so to speak.

Pants was my best friend for the all-important and influential second to fifth grade. We did fucking everything together. He was like the brother that I would tailor make at Build-a-Brother workshop. Of course, rational folk like you (and me, some twenty-something years late to the party) know that such an arrangement can only breed destruction.

Take that how you will.

The nature of my seclusion was nigh absolute growing up, with few exceptions. But blessedly, there was school. And at school, I had at least one person I could call a friend. And, at the time, the cynical circus show of school still held the occasional pat on head, and the dopamine rush that came along with it. I was a smart student. But always quiet.

Pants could bring out something else. A desire to play games with friends. Interact with others. This led me to Magic: the Gathering. I loved playing against friends. It was a great way for me to make friends with others who liked to play. It was invariably led me to meet many people in middle school. My cards always got confiscated by Celery, the Spoiled Hippie Produce (but we will shorten it to just Celery, because it amuses me). She was concerned that Satan was trying to get in my head and sent me to a whackadoo shrinky-dink who could somehow charge $100 a session for years to finally say that I really just needed Jesus. Ugh. Anyway, this is a huge digression, but it's important. To **me**. You see, the Tragedy of the Schitzotypical Pants is a tale of many compounding, intertwining tales that build to an ironic creschendo, dear reader, one that I promise has a payoff. If my writing style hasn't completely repulsed you by now, I urge you on.

So off to the Pentecostal hellhole I was sent. I was made to stay away from the people I fit in with. I replaced them with people I more worried about than identified with. The Pastor's daughter was blonde and doe-eyed. Her token Asian best friend looked like she patented Resting Bitch Face^tm at birth. The rest of my creepy Hellhole Fan Club were males, and not the well adjusted type. I guess Youth Pastor Crow was pretty alright. Well, until the night he wouldn't let me leave the Wednesday night group until I quote, 'let Jesus in'. Which, in every day parlaince meant that they wanted me to "speak in tongues". I did all the things I was told. But this poison "gift" would not come to me. So by God, I did the only thing that seemed rational.

I fucking pretended.

If there had ever been a possibility that I could just be a good little Christian ever again, it ended with my face in my hands, on my knees, begging for the touch to speak through me..and nothing. The veil was lifted. The magician has shown his hand, the illusion crushed. These people were no better than any other, why was *their* flavor of God the only way? Hell, the ginger boy Steak would get his ass beat so bad at home he wouldn't be able to come to church. People would ask questions.

They already did, dear reader.

So, while I was forbidden from having normal friends that I had shared common interests with (and I'm still sore that my dad lost track of my cards...prolly thousands of dollars worth of Legends, Arabian Nights, and Revised Magic cards), I was instead hosted a front row seat to this shitshow. So when I turned sixteen, I told everyone I'd had enough. Went and stayed weekends with Pants, playing d&d (another verböten activity under the tyrannical reign of Celery), and why not experiment with some grass while we're at it? Sure. Pants had the keys to escaping reality. And when it came to escaping reality, Pants was like Houdini. I didn't mind, it gave me a chance to decompress. Up until now, I had existed to participate in a series of show dog style obstacle courses, told how high I was expected to jump, and roundly ignored when I regularly jumped higher and higher to show someone that I was dying inside.

Those stiffs at the Pentecostal Hellhole didn't understand me. Nobody did. Thankfully, there was one person out there for me with the patience and generosity to help build me into the relatively better adjusted man writing here. She's the best!

So with my newfound liberty to come and go as I please, I got into plenty of trouble with my compatriots. I won't issue a confession to anything here, nice try NSA. But goddamnit if I didn't feel alive. And all this while, I wrestled with feelings I had no words to express until well into my twenties. And in tiny pisswater towns the nation over, if you wanted to suck cock, you were a faggot, and that made you a bad person. Why? No reason. But that couldn't be me, because I am a connoisseur of the feminine form. I love them all. Every bit of it. Nay, the mere idea that I could be bisexual didn't hit me until twenty five, and didn't feel official until the year after. So I guess I've been openly bi/pan for like...eight years? So, yeah. I had a crush on Pants. He was very rough around the edges. Stank most of the time. But I was attracted to the person I saw in him, and not the person he let everyone view. But when you don't have the words for "I like both shut up don't judge" for another ten years, you just get more confused, more infatuated with what amounts to an idea.

Part two to come. Maybe I'll just edit part two in here to make this whole thought superfluous. Sweet sleep please take me.

<3 Rev.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Hookay. Part two. More lucid tonight. Maybe I can fix that before too much longer. But not yet.

I was a bit latchkey off and on, here and there. The best part about my main job back then was the ability to ask to be taken off the schedule indefinitely, and show up six months later to be put back on. I lived there for awhile. I don't know if Pants felt the same way about me, but we never talked about it.

Eventually we drifted apart for awhile, and reconnected in the education program we both enrolled in. And once he was out, I helped him find a place to crash for a couple weeks. Weeks became a couple months. Nobody wanted him around anymore. It strained my relationship with my partner, and her mom to boot. I really tried to help that sonofabitch. But I wasn't gonna look the other way while he continued to treat people I care about like shit. We drifted apart again.

I would sometimes see him at mutual friends places, and we'd be mostly cordial, but no longer familiar. What I didn't realize was that he was in the middle of a psychological break. Lots of magical thinking and psionic orgasms. Or something like that. And finally, the bombshell.

So his friend, whom we will here refer to as dickhead (an allusion to his nickname that like six people will get), had given him a bible in all this mental anguish. And he latched onto the Book of Revelation. So, imagine my shock when one day he looks me right in the eyes and tells me that I am his great desteoyer, and that I will bring him ruin. Total fucking insanity.

So yeah. There is much more I could add here, but I would rather not have this get out, and end up sued over things I can no longer prove. Until next time, Space Kittens. Watch this space, I think next time I will discuss Celery the Horrible. You ready to strap in? This is where reality's thin veneer starts to peel ominously, places where I believe my madness was hand picked for, whether intentional or no.

I think, with this next tale, we wend inexorably onward toward the heart of the matter. Care to come along?

#mentalillness #nobodycareslol #friendship #bisexuality

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