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nyxwanderland · 8 months

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♡ kiss your scars

pairing → dazai osamu x reader genre → angst warnings → self harm, mentions of suicide word count → 937

it wasn't unusual when dazai would come knocking on your door in the middle of night. this time, however, was much more serious than before.

you slightly gasped as your eyes widened in horror at the awful sight of him. "osamu...?" your voice came out shakily, trying to process the wounds through the ripped shirt and sleeves. blood trickled down and seeped through his clothes, and his drenched body was trembling in the pouring weather outside.

you did not hesitate and immediately let him in, settling him on your couch and leaving him there to go to the kitchen as quickly as possible while distressing thoughts ran through your head. you returned to him with a first-aid kit in your hands. you always had it as a backup plan in case dazai was injured again.

dazai remained quiet as you took his shirt off, but only lightly shivered upon his wet torso coming into contact with the air in the lounge. his head just hung low, his wavy brown hair covering his eyes, as if he were too ashamed to look you in the eye.

you were shocked to see a gruesome slash on his chest that cut through the bandages wrapped around him at all times. the stabs weren't left unnoticed on his arm either. slowly removing his gauzes and discarding them in a metallic tray on the coffee table, you began treating his wounds.

it definitely wasn't the first time you saw him without bandages on, but it wasn't an every-day view. it touched you at the thought of how dazai trusted and felt safe with you with his body exposed, revealing his scars that no longer physically hurt but did emotionally.

you did know that he was out on a late-night mission, so it was fair to assume that he was ambushed on the way back or in the process. you wanted to ask him, but you chose to remain silent for now. neither did he.

as you were dressing his wounds, a few scars caught your attention that you had never seen before. one at his shoulder blade, near his collarbone on the neck, and a few on his abdomen. it seemed like they were inflicted a few days ago, judging from the whiteness that indicated that they had healed. he never told me about these... you thought while tidying up the materials that you used and gathering the unnecessary contents to throw in the trash.

your fingertips gently traced the marks on which you were eyeing as you muttered, "who... who did this to you?" your eyes shifted to the newly treated gash on his chest and you placed your hand on it carefully, making sure not to hurt him any longer.

you received no answer, so you repeated, "who did this to you, osamu?" your voice quivered. "were you hurt during your mission? and these... new scars?"

dazai took a deep breath. "i did." he did not bother to lift his head because he refused to look into your eyes filled with sorrow. "all of it."

"i... i see," you just murmured, ignoring the lump in your throat. you tried to bring your blurry vision back to normal, but tears welling in your eyes made it difficult. you did not want to cry in front of him—you wanted to be strong and be an emotional support for him.

you went into your room to bring his shirt (that he usually leaves in your wardrobe after crashing at your place) for him to wear. "do you want to eat anything? i have some dinner for y-"

"i'll just sleep," dazai interrupted, and you nodded. you extended your hand for him to hold, and he accepted. you guided him to your room, not letting go of his hand.

he laid down on your bed, and you covered him with blankets. you were leaving to give him some space, but you stopped in your tracks when dazai spoke, "i want you to hold me..."

✩

he was now fast asleep, his head on your chest, and your fingers were caressing his soft, wavy hair, occasionally scratching his scalp in the process. you couldn't help but kiss his forehead from time to time, fully knowing he loved it.

without realising it at first, you finally broke into tears, but you continued to nestle his hair as you tried your best to control your sobs. why... why does he have to go through this?

you hated how dazai discarded his needs for the sake of others so recklessly, how he just shut himself out randomly... how he just wanted to die at times.

he was your world, so you wanted to protect him. and there were times when he'd feel so much better. he would let his cheerful mask down and start opening up more. he himself would state that he never wanted to leave you behind so he stopped killing himself altogether, just for you. because of you and your support.

that did not mean at all that he would stop inflicting pain on himself from time to time. but it was never this bad, and you were now afraid it might go overboard.

you always wanted to kiss his scars and tell him they were beautiful, but deep down, you knew that dazai wasn't ready for this. you decided to give him some time.

but the vivid images of your beloved's scars were always going to haunt you. no matter what and when. in spite of all this, you stayed. just so that he can feel better. and you were never going to give up.

#i cried #dazai osamu needs to be protected at all costs #please i love him so much it hurts #dazai osamu #dazai osamu x reader #bungou stray dogs #bsd x reader #like and follow #like and reblog

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resident-gay-bitch · 1 year

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steve’s pov here :)

prey.

lots of prey.

that’s what eddie knew.

he watched them enter his land through that… thing. that hole in the ground that let off a high pitched sound and kept him in line. it scared him and his brethren. none of them could go near it. it hurts if you do. they’ve all learnt the hard way, whilst trying to escape. it burns your body to touch and turns your brain dizzy.

but the prey passed through it without an issue.

eddie watched from the top of the tree he was perched in, crowded around by his resting family, his cousins and friends. he watched the prey make their way through his world, listened as his master told him to kill.

eddie attacked when they least expected it.

he swooped down and swiped at one of their necks with his claw. he would have gotten it, if that one with curly hair didn’t scream his name.

it sent eddie flying back- he recognised it, the voice. the face.

it wasn’t prey.

it was a friend.

eddie flew away. too scared of what would happen if he stayed.

he couldn’t stay.

his master was mad. beyond mad at him.

he threatened to kill eddie if he didn’t complete his task. he’d send his brethren on the prey and himself.

eddie didn’t want that. he wanted the prey to live, he thought. well… the curly haired one. he didn’t know about the rest. but if not for that curly haired one, eddie might let master carry out that promise. he didn’t like this world. it was cold and dark and he felt dirty and he only remembered pain.

he flew back to his home, to his nest in a place he felt most safe. a safe place that was still standing. his old home, the one with who he thinks is his father from the other world, now destroyed to the hole that was too big and too loud and hurt too much if he flew near it.

his home in the drama room at school. he’d dragged mattresses and pillows and blankets back into the changing room and built himself a nest, collected all his favourite things.

he had a pile for his father, flannelette shirts all piled up on a bunch of random mugs. he had his sweetheart there too. he’d been collecting dice from everywhere he could find them, all different shapes and colours, they were scattered around his nest, and he played with them when he got bored and couldn’t sleep. he had a picture frame shoved there somewhere with a photo of his mother, a flower pressed under the glass that was her namesake. it was the only name eddie could remember; petunia. and he had the mangled old teddy bear she gave him as a baby that he curled up with every night.

but he had his most favourite pile there too, at the place where he lay his head every night. in the pile was a green and white jacket with a name eddie couldn’t read written across the back. there were shirts and two jumpers, a red and a yellow one. he had three odd socks and one pair, and some underwear, and a singular sneaker. he’d taken them all from a large house on the nice looking side of this world, from a room he didn’t like very much, but he remembered the boy that owned all those things was very special to him.

he couldn’t remember his name or his face though, and eddie cried about it every night.

he pottered around his nest, moving his things about and settling down in it. he hurried out and to the other side of his home where he had a pile of things he’d collected that took up too much space in the nest. he sifted through them; some more mugs, a weird al shirt, a pair of drumsticks, some comics, a bunch of action figures, a green ribbon, an old year book, some novels, an acoustic guitar, car keys, a cheer skirt, journals, a lunchbox- all things that made his heart clench to look at, to touch, but he couldn’t remember why.

except for the yearbook.

when he found the yearbook he got so excited he’d stretched out his wings and started flying in the tiny little room. he knocked over a rack of costumes with them, fucked up his nest, and put a hole through the wall. he didn’t care though.

he had the year book almost permanently open to one page. a page he remembered looking at a lot when he was younger. on the page was him, the man that eddie couldn’t remember the name or face of. the one he loved so much. and beside him was another man with eddie’s old face! he’d made it. he remembered making it. he wrote something, but eddie couldn’t read that either.

after finding that year book, eddie looked at the page every day and every night, whenever he could. he often went to sleep with the page open, he’d sometimes just sit there and look at it. he’d draw his claw lightly over the man’s pretty face and sometimes he’d lick it when he particularly missed him.

oh eddie loved him so much.

so that’s what eddie did now. he sat down in his nest and drew over his pretty face and he stretched out his long tongue until it touched the page and then he smiled.

he smiled so much his heart squeezed.

he missed his boy.

but his master was not happy with him. he made eddie go back out to kill them.

eddie promised himself he wouldn’t kill the curly haired one.

he flew out until he found them, and then he swooped down over their heads to give the prey a scare and perched himself atop an electricity pole. he crouched there with his wings hanging heavy down behind him and looked at his next meal.

only, he didn’t attack. not straight away.

there was something familiar about one of them. the one holding a bat over his shoulder, scowling at eddie. he had floppy hair and strong shoulders. eddie thought he’d put up the biggest fight.

but there was something about him.

eddie cocked his head and looked at him some more. looking looking looking. trying to figure him out. he ignored everyone else. the man adjusted his grip on his weapon, ready to swing it at eddie if needed.

eddie moved his head forward because… no…

no it- it couldn’t be.

it was him.

the boy in the picture.

the one he loved!

he straightened his back out in a flesh, sitting up tall, perched on the pole, and he let out a screech of excitement. he hoped the man was just as excited as he was.

his love leered forward slightly, looking ready to fight… to protect. oh, he looked so strong and brave like that, ready to defend his own brethren. eddie admired him so much. he was so beautiful. so strong. so handsome.

eddie stretched his wings out and stood, he let out another thrilled sound because- oh, because he was here! the one he loved was here… in his world! and eddie could have him.

eddie clutched at his heart like he’d just been struck by cupids arrow and fell backwards off the pole, like he was fainting. he was swooning afterall. he hoped to impress this man too.

eddie had to impress him.

so he free fell and right before he hit the ground he stretched his wings out further and lifted himself high into the sky. way higher than he needed to go. he looked down at the one he loved and- oh goodness, he just couldn’t help himself. he tucked his wings around his body and nosedived straight for him.

it’s what he’d seen his family do, when they found their love. one would fly high in the sky and barrel roll into the other, catch them, and take flight again.

it was their mating ritual, so it’s what eddie would do.

he crashed into the pretty golden haired love and had to take a moment to just look at him as he wiggled around on the ground beneath eddie. eddie tired to pin him down, to show him he was safe… it was just eddie. he tried to communicate, clicking his tongue to say “hello, it’s me, i love you” but he didn’t seem to get it.

that was okay.

eddie would show him.

but before he had a chance his wing was struck with an immense amount of pain.

he stretched it out to look, and found a hole clean through it, and he lowered it just enough to see one of his prey, standing there, a gun aimed right at him.

you hurt me, eddie thought, you tore me.

he was going to make her death the most painful. save her for last.

he looked back at his love and grabbed him tight and lifted up info the air. it made him scream, and eddie thought it was a nice sound. similar to his own happy call. eddie really liked this man.

he took him to his home, sweeping through the crack in the roof, down into his little home, and he lay him down in his nest. his love is the only other being allowed anywhere near his home.

the last being to try - his brother and friend - was ripped to shreds by eddie’s own teeth. no one breached these walls again.

eddie laid him down and crawled back to sit by his loves legs, crouched there and waiting. he looked at him curiously. he looked quite different than the picture. he had lighter, floppier hair, and some scruffy fur around his mouth, and he had this thing on his face that made his eyes look a little bigger than usual, and… clothes. in the picture he only had little swim shorts on. eddie hoped his love might take these clothes off soon.

oh eddie thought he was just neat.

the perfect new item to make home of his nest. he’d keep him here forever, that was for sure.

he was eddie’s now.

he looked a little confused, but that was okay. eddie would help him understand anything he needed. all eddie wanted to do was look after his love.

oh. the picture. that would help him understand. that’s how eddie could tell him he loved him.

great idea!

he crawled over to get it, leaving his love in the nest for a little moment. he sifted through some of his other things before retrieving it. he grabbed the book with his teeth, and crawled back over to pretty man, and perched himself as close as possible. he dropped the book between his own feet and pressed his hands on top of it to keep it safe, and waited.

when he turned back around to look at eddie, he freaked out a little. eddie thought it was very sweet. eddie wanted to see every face this man could make, they were all so beautiful. he cocked his head to the side and looked at him some more, trying to figure him out.

to ask if this was okay.

his love held up the jacket with the name eddie couldn’t read. he looked at the jacket, then back at his love, then back at the jacket, then back at his love and he felt warmth bubble up in his chest. he purred, hoping to let his love know what this meant. hoping to let him know he was happy that he was here. that he wanted his love to wear the jacket.

eddie noticed how his love was wearing one thing that meant a lot to eddie himself. a vest. one covered in patches and pins that he used to wear every day. eddie lowered his head to bump his loves shoulder and blinked at him once.

“it’s yours.” his love said, and it made eddie’s heart flutter so much! he loved the sound of his voice. it was so soft and smooth and eddie wished he could talk the same. his love tugged at the sleeve of the vest, “i know, i’m sorry. i hope you don’t mind. it helped ground me on the bad days.”

don’t mind? don’t mind!?

why would eddie mind about that? this was the best day of his life. not only was his love here, but he was here and collecting eddie’s things too.

eddie cocked his head, trying to communicate that of course he was okay with it. that he was okay with anything his love wanted.

“can you understand me?” he asked.

eddie nodded.

“can you talk like me?” he asked again.

eddie really wished he could. he wanted nothing more than to say that he loved him. he wanted to ask his name.

“i’ll take that as a no.” he hummed, and it made eddie’s chest vibrate, “you have a lot of my things.”

eddie wanted to collect more of them.

he dropped the book on his loves lap and watched curiously as he opened it. eddie’s heart was about to leap out of his chest when the man found the page eddie wanted him to see.

his pretty pretty love drew his finger over the page and read out the words eddie had written there many years ago… the words eddie had longed to be able to read or remember, and now he’d know, “by the time you graduate, this will be real, and he will be nice and want you back.”

oh… right.

yes. eddie loved him. he knew now. didn’t he. his love knew and- oh, he was laughing.

eddie didn’t like that. why was he laughing? did he not love eddie too.

eddie screeched at him and pouted because… because why would he laugh? that’s mean. it hurts eddie. it hurts eddie a lot. he would just like to love his love.

oh eddie loved him so much.

he watched with sad eyes as his love realised how much it was hurting eddie, and then he said, “you technically still haven’t graduated, you know?”

oh goodie. his love wanted him too!

he loved him so much he just- oh, he just couldn’t hold back any more. he flicked his tongue out and licked up his loves cheek and it was so much better than licking the picture. this time, when his love laughed, eddie liked it.

this was a good laugh.

“licking? really?”

eddie smiled at him and nodded his head because, yes. of course! he had to show his love and that’s how he did that. that’s what he knew. he hoped his love would lick him back… but maybe that’s not how those creatures showed their love.

that’s okay. eddie would learn eventually.

eddie helped shuffle his love back to cuddle because he didn’t care how mad his master got right now, eddie had his love and he’d finally be able to sleep well. he was sure this would be the first sleep he got without crying since waking up down here, in this world.

he curled up with his teddy and wrapped his wings around his love, curling into his lap and chest. eddie pressed his ear up over his heart to listen to the steady drum beat of it inside. it was one of the best sounds in every world. eddie started to purr again, feeling warm and dizzy against his love. he smelt amazing, and eddie nuzzled his face under the vest to get closer to him.

eddie felt his love pet his head softly and hold him a little tighter. eddie didn’t think he could love something any more than he loved this being right here. he was going to keep him forever. protect him and make sure he was safe, and well fed, and warm. he’d stay here, in eddie’s home, where no one else was allowed to go so eddie could keep him for himself. if he wanted anything, eddie would fetch it for him.

eddie would love him with every fibre in his body and more.

he’d do anything for his love.

he was sure of it.

if only he could remember his name.

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