whatever i want
prince!scara x gn!knight!reader (masc leaning)
royal au, pining, slight angst (jealousy, possessiveness), fluffy resolution, 4.4k words
he has never extended himself for what he wants. there is a person for every question. there is a chef to handle an exotic food craving, an advisor to schedule a luxury travel plan, a servant to send on a petty errand. each person is nameless and nothing is out of reach. there is no line between want and need.
his knight is a fixture, stuck to the rules and him like glue when scheduled to guard his bedroom door or the hall outside of his study or the garden gate when scara chooses to take a breath of fresh air. at first, they were like a fly – ever present even when waved away – but now, scara struggles to raise his hand to dismiss them.
there is a sensory experience he is seeking that he is not dextrous enough to catch between his fingers.
it starts with a mistake. scara is never allowed a private moment to himself. he is followed by the same ghosts that make his opulent lifestyle possible. and so, he retires to bed early only to take to the halls without chaperone. one night, while cutting corners to reach the kitchen for an early breakfast, he stumbles upon a cozy banquet hosted by the knights for one another. he finds himself peering between the cracked mahogany doors to watch the brazen few laugh amongst each other in the crackling fire’s glow.
they are close with one another. grins split across their faces as they throw arms around shoulders and thrust mugs of beer into hands.
as his eyes dance from person to person, he catches sight of a familiar face. his own personal guard with a look so unfamiliar to the prince decorating their face. they’re sitting off to the side, quiet as ever, but with a fondness written in their eyes accompanied by a matching smile that scara has never had the benefit of seeing before.
he watches as their eyes flick from person to person while gently tending to the fire. they drop the iron rod to steady a friend who stumbles too close to the flames, their capable hands wrapping around the other knight’s waist. scara feels the ghost of them around his own, but the difference is the nonchalance of their grip. his knight even squeezes their comrade close, teasing him for being so clumsy.
they would never do such a thing to their prince, would they?
they even tell a joke – eliciting rambunctious laughter from the small crowd and managing to tilt scara’s lips into a smile. he hides it behind his hand, embarrassed.
scara begins to imagine himself entwined in their comradery. instead of the disdain he expected to feel from lowering himself to their status, envy eats away at him like poison. frustration bubbles up his throat. he shouldn’t have to fantasize of intimacy – he has a monopoly on his knight’s time… he should be the closest one to them in the room.
he sighs the slightest of sighs, the sound lost in the chatter. scara stares.
and as if his knight had been aware of scara’s presence the entire time, their gaze flicks up to meet his.
his eyes widen and he sharply pulls away, slamming his back against the wall beside the door. his heart thunders in his chest and his cheeks flush red, but he can’t fathom the dramatics of his reaction. why does he feel as though he’s been caught misbehaving? he was the prince of their country.
but still, scara rockets down the hall from where he came, holing himself up in his chambers and praying that his knight will think the sight of scara in the crack of the doorway was just a trick of the flickering light. but as he readies himself for bed, with the promise that he would rise in just a few hours, the images of his knight shed of their stoicism repeat in his mind.
when he wakes up, the clarity of his memory has waned. their smile is distorted by the licking firelight and their laugh has dulled a decibel or two. he wants to see and to hear and to feel it again, and nothing he wants is out of reach.
so why are they out of reach?
><
while stable boys saddle their steeds, scara glances up from petting his horse to look at his knight. he watches, enraptured by the ease with which they weave playful banter between the servants.
“you’re much too small to properly saddle my mare,” his knight teases a young boy whose face scrunches up at the challenge, quickly pushing his older brother out of the way to take over preparing the horse for riding. a few more quips and the group of kids are falling over themselves with laughter, piling the knight with curious questions, and trying to get a closer look at their sword and armor.
despite not even knowing their name, the stable boys are crawling over his knight like they’re an older sibling. scara watches as they rally the boys and carefully unsheathe their sword, telling them the history following the blade. the bright-eyed kids crowd around the knight, begging to hold the handle or even touch the metal. scara holds back a smile as his knight waves them away, shaking their head.
“his majesty bestows the sword only to the most terrifying,” scara interjects with an attempt at sarcasm, “so don’t get too close…” his tone is too serious despite his intention to participate in the conversation, not end it. the boys disperse in fear.
his knight consoles him. “ah, i’m sorry, your highness. they didn’t understand your humor.” and although the words are kind, they’re distant.
he rolls his eyes, mounting his steed without another word. how, scara wonders, is one supposed to grow close with another? he grits his teeth.
><
“come here,” he orders, and they stride close. the two of them are in the library in the west wing. far from the bustle of servants or wandering nobles, they are wrapped in quiet. hidden between bookshelves as tall as buildings, each fortified with volumes upon volumes of books slotted together like bricks. the silence is interrupted only by scara’s page turning and accompanying hums.
his knight stands beside him, patiently awaiting orders. scara leans against a desk, tilting his head and letting his dress shirt slip down, hanging dangerously off his shoulder. “could you help me?” he asks, voice pitching lower.
“yes, your highness, what do you need?” his knight asks, impassive as stone. in fact, their eyes don’t even lift to meet his.
scara tries not to let the frustration show, but his self control is near nonexistent. “i am going to get the oldest publication of this philosophy anthology,” he says through gritted teeth, pointing to the very top of the bookshelf. the ceiling is seemingly miles away, and his knight opens their mouth to express concern, but scara is quicker. “it’s fine, just watch me,” he says,
his knight finds the wheeled ladder attached to the bookcase and pulls it to scara, taking a step back to watch the prince mount and climb. when he’s a third of the way up the ladder, he looks down to his knight. “oh no,” scara says, voice devoid of any emotion as he manually loosens his grip on the ladder, “i’m losing my balance.”
“sir, are you alright?” his knight calls up to him.
“i’m falling,” he calls down before letting go. he plummets directly into their waiting arms and stares up at them expectantly as if waiting for something. he’s swindled their touch – their strong hold carefully cradling him – yet he can’t swindle familiarity. he can’t manufacture ease. instead of teasing him… instead of even scolding him… they simply righten him on his feet and ask:
“would you like to try again, sire? or shall i?”
he frowns. “it’s the green book with golden binding,” he says, taking a seat at the desk. he lays his head down on his arms, staring up at his knight climbing the ladder up the bookcase and plotting how best the fill the gap between them.
><
the study is quiet. scara leans over the chaise for guidance when he needs help with a special stitch of his embroidery. his aunt nahida carefully instructs him where to prick his needle next. “is there something on your mind?” she asks when she catches his brows furrowed.
“i’m frustrated,” he admits almost immediately.
“with embroidering?” her voice tilts with curiosity.
“no…” scara says, looking up from his work. he looks up, then down, and then to nahida. “how did you do it?” scara asks. “how did… how did we become close? how did you manufacture comfort? why is it easy to speak with you?”
nahida blinks and puts a finger to her lips. she hums, thinking hard, intrigued by his question. “i’m not sure,” she admits. “shouldn’t you be the one to answer those questions?” she asks. “why?”
scara’s face turns back to his stitching, but it does little to hide the way his cheeks flush. he doesn’t answer.
“is there someone you want to be close to?” nahida asks.
“yes,” scara admits quietly.
“do i know them?” she prompts gently.
“yes,” he answers again, thread and needle working vigorously as his anxiousness builds.
“can i ask who they are?”
“no,” scara almost squeaks. “isn’t it enough to know that there is someone?”
“oh, well, okay,” nahida says, putting a finger to her lips. “why do you feel comfortable talking to me?”
scara looks up, red in the face. he bites his lip, thinking hard. “you’re persistent,” he says carefully… just halfway to an insult. “you listen to me…” he continues. “remember things i tell you… ask me questions… and i feel like i want to tell you more and more.”
he looks to nahida to see her smiling giddily behind her hand and his face sours. “this is just an ego trip for you.”
“no!” she bursts, “i’m just happy… to know how you feel.”
his eyes widen a little bit and a puzzle piece snaps into place. he sighs before letting a fond smile turn his lips as he looks away. “shut up,” he murmurs, but he doesn’t mean it. she giggles, sitting closer to him on the chaise and fixing his hair with affection reserved for family.
><
it’s morning. his eyes still haven’t adjusted to the bright rays shining through the windows of the dining hall. he squints at his plate, pushing the fresh fruit around with his fork and growing more irate by the second as his advisor flips through the details of his schedule, reminding him of his lack of autonomy.
“and finally, a gift in honor for your stellar performance in our diplomacy lessons,” he drones on, “we do not meet for our evening class tonight.”
“yeah, yeah,” scara waves him away before the words register. “wait, we don’t?”
“no, i’m giving you the hours to rest… or to get up to whatever mischief. please don’t implicate me in your plans. i’d rather not be scolded by her majesty for my decision to give you this freedom.”
“she doesn’t care,” scara slights, rolling his eyes. his advisor is jaded, excusing himself without a word for the prince’s disrespect of the throne. scara leaves his half-eaten plate behind and makes his way to the door, his eyes flicking up to the knight waiting at the threshold for him. to think there was a time he never glanced, looked. stared… – he catches himself, turning his face quickly to hide the heat painting him pink all over again.
and his conversation with nahida lingers in the back of his mind, growing closer as he approaches until it’s front and center. words he didn’t even know he wanted to say inch up his throat and before he could even process them himself, his mouth opens and they come falling out. “during my free hour you will practice piano with me,” he blurts.
his knight tilts their head curiously before giving him an uncertain nod.
ah, it came out as an order… not an invitation. scara shuts his eyes tight and shakes his head. he tries again. “i-i mean… would you like to practice piano with me tonight?” the words are creaky like rusty hinges as he uses manners gone unseen since childhood. he acts in his etiquette classes, of course. this is real.
“i accompany you everywhere, sire,” they say as if the prince has forgotten.
scara’s mouth clamps shut and he looks away, defeated. “i-i know that,” he says, biting his lip. “whatever,” he snaps, storming off into the hall, his knight trailing behind like a puppy.
><
when the final lesson of his day comes to a close, his wrists are sore from the articles he’d written and his eyes are strained from deciphering various diplomats’ awful lettering. piano seems like a terrible idea.
“are you headed to the study now, then?” his knight asks from behind him. he jumps from the sudden sound of their voice and turns around in his chair.
“i’m not sure,” he answers timidly. “i think…” he doesn’t want to say it. it feels like a secret, like if he reveals where he wants to go and what he wants to do it will reveal what he wants from his knight. what do i want? he asks himself. “i am going to the greenhouse instead,” he says. he’s lying. he wants to go to the field adjacent to the greenhouse. he’s going to grab a picnic blanket and a basket from one of the closets in the kitchen.
the knight doesn’t question him. they never do. a part of him wishes they would… especially as he rifles through the walk-in pantry, disappearing into the cellar and hoisting himself up metal racks without explanation.
as they enter the garden, the cool night air helps the tense heat in his body loosen and dissipate. he turns around, holding his knight in place with his sharp gaze. “are you not going to ask me anything?”
their response is obedient. “what should i ask?”
he frowns and spins around, taking bigger steps towards the field.
when they arrive, the grass is dewy. the shine of the moonlight reflects off the droplets like jewelry. it’s quiet, with only the sound of a lonely owl and the wind pulling at the tops of the trees surrounding the clearing.
and although they try to help, scara angrily pushes his guard away as he sets up the blanket himself. in the basket he’d hastily prepared is a bottle of finely aged wine and two glasses wrapped in cloth.
“d-do you want me to pour you a drink?” scara asks, already having taken a seat. he stares up at his knight who stands a few steps away from the edge of the blanket. ever vigilant, their eyes are turned to the edge of the forest as if expecting an ambush.
“shouldn’t i keep watch, your majesty?” they ask with the same tilt of their head as earlier. his heart squeezes up in his chest. this won’t do.
he remembers nahida’s giddy smile in the wake of his honesty. “i wanted to spend time with you,” he admits, voice small. anyone could have missed it in the wind.
and with the same swiftness as if they had been commanded, his guard takes a seat across from him. scara feels rewarded.
the gaze they turn to him is at an intensity he has never prepared for. he feels like he’s being dissected. filled with nervous energy, scara keeps his hands busy with uncorking the dark red bottle.
the silence eats away at him, eyes shifting all over as he sets up the frosted glass on the linen blanket. he pours them a drink. “only one,” they say, taking it. “i’ve never been served by royalty. it feels blasphemous, in a way.”
scara’s mind goes haywire trying to find the right question to ask to foster a proper conversation. it’s as if every etiquette class he managed to attend has been wiped from his memory. “do you drink often?” he finally asks.
his knight contemplates after their sip. “no… only with friends,” they say.
“it seems like fun,” scara responds.
the knight hums. “what, does?” they ask. “drinking with friends?”
“yes,” scara says, thinking back to the night he spied them in the small crowd of cozy comradery by the fireplace… until he realizes his knight is giving him a knowing smile.
“you can join next time,” they say softly.
scara feels his heart thump a little harder. he looks away from their face, spending his focus elsewhere and letting the taste of bittersweet wine flood his tongue. “i think i might scare them with my presence if i interject,” he manages.
“maybe the first time,” his knight agrees. scara’s shoulders tense. “i’m sure the second time, though, a brave few would extend a mug,” they say, grabbing the wine bottle. “and the third, they might even pour you a drink.”
as if to prove their point, they pour more wine into his cup. he takes a huge gulp in his nervousness. his knight laughs. scara smiles against his glass.
“i don’t think you’re scary,” they admit into the cool night air. the sentiment slips into scara’s heart.
><
he rolls around in his bed, unable to sleep. a week had passed since the night sky and the picnic blanket and the wine and his guard and they’re friends and apparently always have been and if that was his goal…
friends? scara asks himself. he feels greedy.
he groans, burying his face into his pillow and kicking his feet. he rolls over and over and over until he’s reached the other side of the bed. finding the moon through his window, scara frowns, pushing himself up and tossing his legs over the side of the mattress. if he can’t sleep, he might as well take to the halls.
the castle is quiet except for the occasional jangle of a lamplight in a patrolling guard’s hand. he dips between halls, hiding behind heavy window drapes and slipping into empty closets. he keeps his body as occupied as his mind with the one-sided dance of getting from one wing to the other undetected.
he has no objective other than to tire himself, flitting from room to room like a moth. he runs his finger down dusty bookcases, breathes on windows till he can draw shapes into the glass, and rearranges decorations to keep the ghost stories circulating among the maids.
he finds himself near the barracks as if it were the light he was drawn to.
steps sound in his direction – another patrol – and he reaches for the nearest door handle, hastily disappearing into a room he’s never been in before. he looks around, eyes adjusting to the low light. a small bed and plain canopy take up most of the space… a guest bedroom for visiting servants. he doesn’t seem to be alone this time, though, if the lamplight in the far corner of the room is anything to go by.
but the sight in the burgundy armchair beside it makes his stomach plummet to the ground.
“your majesty?” his knight asks in shock, the words smushing together in a rushed jumble. there is a girl in their lap.
scara stares with wide eyes as the woman scrambles out of her… seat… to bow over and over, apologies spilling from her mouth. he ignores every word. she’s still too close to them, scara thinks. “get out,” he whispers.
she falls silent, meeting his gaze. “get out,” he says a little louder. she looks at the door and points at herself in confusion. “are you stupid?” scara asks, tone scathing. “get out,” he repeats.
he feels satisfaction at the fear in her face, dashing past him and through the door in a scramble. it slams closed behind her. why am i so angry? scara thinks, clenching his fists.
“and me?” his knight asks from the chair. “my punishment for my unprofessionalism?”
scara feels something stinging the back of his eyes when he looks at them. “s-shut up,” he barks. “i’m thinking.”
“of?”
his jaw clenches and there’s a fire in his eyes as he asks: “why would you let her touch you?”
it’s so unfair, he thinks.
“w-wh… sire, what do you mean?” they ask gently.
“what did she do to deserve it?” scara feels tears welling up in his eyes and he’s mortified by the strength of his emotions, inundated by waves of heat rolling through his limbs. a pit opens up in his stomach as tears begin to drip. “tell me,” he demands, striding over and looming ominously.
“s-sorry… what?” his knight asks, sitting up in their seat.
scara pushes them back down into the armchair, feeling his heart flutter as his eyes comb over every detail of their face softened by the glow of the moonlight through the window. “i’m being very clear,” he says, managing to regain the edge to his voice.
they go limp, letting scara dig his fingers into their shoulders and hold them down. “are you asking how we got into that… situation?”
“yes,” scara says. “what did she do?” he asks, stressing every word of his question.
“u-um, well,” they begin, a little embarrassed. “we talked… it was a bit of flirting… first–
“you look beautiful in the moonlight tonight,” he practically shouts, cutting them off. the compliment loses its meaning entirely through its awkward, manufactured delivery. “now you to me,” he commands.
and the tension shatters as his knight’s eyes widen, jaw slackening in shock. the prince is so… awkward. it takes everything in them not to laugh in his face.
“is his highness… jealous?” they ask softly, lips curving into a smile.
“no!” scara bursts, face flushed red. he bites his lip, grabbing the arm rests of the chair and hoisting himself into the seat, straddling his knight’s lap. “i-i can have anything i want,” he says, and yet he nervously searches the knight’s face for any signs of discomfort.
how painfully endearing.
they encourage him. “she held my face,” they say. scara takes his two shaking hands and harshly cups his knight’s face, chest rising and falling with quick breaths. “she…” they trail off before biting the inside of their cheek. “she told me how she felt.”
scara pales.
he pulls his hands away and wipes his tears with the sleeves of his nightgown. the sound of the ocean in his ears calms to the silence of a still pond. he swallows hard. “i want you close to me. i want you to be closest with me,” he says, voice just above a whisper.
and his knight sits with his confession for a moment, studying his eyes and the teardrops that had caught in his lashes like watery diamonds. the tip of his nose is red and he keeps sniffling, wiping at his face and looking away like he can’t bear to meet their gaze. it seems almost silly – the prince in a fuss.
“only if you’ll be close to me,” they say, hands finding scara’s waist. “closest with me.”
scara’s breath catches in his throat. “are you serious?” he asks.
“lying would be against my oath,” they say.
“did you say that to her?” scara asks, frowning.
“nope,” they say, having to defend themselves like an unfaithful lover. “i’m not even entirely sure what her name is.”
“then why did you let her touch you?” he asks, eyeing them down suspiciously.
“because i wasn’t aware that i belonged to the prince,” they say, grinning. “it’s news to me, haven’t you realized?”
scara blushes. “as the prince, i command you to never… do that again with anyone,” he says, lip curling in disgust as he thinks of the maid touching what’s supposed to be his, “anyone but me,” he breathes.
“you know,” his knight laughs. “you could command me as yourself,” they say.
scara’s heart stutters like his tongue as he mutters “s-shut up.” he pinches their cheeks hard enough to make them wince.
“what now?” they ask coyly and scara becomes hyper aware of where he sits, nothing but the thin sheet of silk of his nightgown separating him from his knight. he almost falls backwards as he stands up, putting a bit of distance between them.
it’s as if the sheer dramatics of his performance have finally caught up to him.
“i-i don’t know,” he admits. what does he do now that he has what he wants? he has to ask nahida. “i’m… i’m tired,” he lies, adrenaline coursing through his veins.
“should i escort you to your chambers?” the knight asks, amused. scara backs away towards the door.
“i know how to get there by myself just fine,” he says, hand grasping for the door handle, “i live here.”
“goodnight, sire,” they say, leaning forward and propping their chin up with their hand, “take care.”
“yes, night, good,” he says, shutting the door behind him and taking a deep breath against the wall to calm himself only to realize he’s been caught in the light of a senior patrolling guard’s oil lamp. he’s escorted back to his room by his ear, cursing the entire way.
when he’s tucked away with the senior at his door to keep him inside for the few hours before the sun rises… his stomach is a mess of butterflies – he feels sick and shy with love. morning doves begin to coo in couples as if to remind him of his new other half.
><
his tutor leaves the two alone in the study and scara fills the silence when it grows too loud to ignore. “rid that smile from your face,” he blurts. his knight’s eyes have been burning holes into him the entire morning.
“i’m happy to see you,” they say.
and scara can’t help but smile in tandem, gaze glued to the documents piling his desk. he clears his throat. “my mother is hosting an upcoming ball, i know you’ve heard…” he trails off, “and perhaps… perhaps we can practice my waltz tonight?”
“of course, if it would make you feel prepared for the ball,” they say, committing to the act. they both knew it was an excuse to be near each other without a chaperone and they both knew they would be continuing to make excuses for a long time to come.
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