#sorry this got so long lmao January was on fire

[softrozene]

Sean is Struggling

Anon asked: Hi yes, I'm new to the fandom as well, but what about a Sean x Fem!Reader where after everything that had happened to him (before Arthur saved him in ch2) he's struggling with being touched and how the reader slowly gets him used to it? And like, angst hurt/comfort bc its 10:17pm and I want sad things that get resolved 

rdr2 masterlist

Sean is a good boi who deserves all the love

Originally published on January 12, 2020

Sean MacGuire x Female Reader

Warnings: Angst probably not enough but fluff to combat it, Sean has PTSD, Karen and Sean don’t happen lmao

Words: ~1k

You’ve been with this group long enough to know everyone on a personal level. You care for all of them equally and know when something is wrong. It just so happens that Sean is just a tad different. Okay, a lot different, and Arthur and Hosea may have picked up on that.

The relentless teasing you received from Arthur when his group brought Sean back was embarrassing. However, you could easily push whatever feelings you have away because as soon as Sean got to camp and you tried to give him one of the hugs he claims to always adore, he hesitated.

He never hesitates to hug you.

It was only a small thing but you noticed it and you kept your eyes and ears on him to see if anything else was amiss. There was plenty.

The male already drank like a pirate but it seemed to have worsened since he got back. Thankfully, he would hold off on being drunk until it got late but the odd thing was he drank alone or only ever with Arthur and John. Sometimes Hosea but rarely. That was the other odd thing. Arthur seemed to have gotten closer to Sean but in a way, you’d never under but desperately want to.

It made you sick to your stomach not knowing how to help the boy who is obviously having problems. So one night you decided to ask.

~*~

“Sean, Arthur, may I take a seat?” You ask softly looking at the fire.

Sean has already gone quiet. You hate when he goes quiet around you. It’s like he doesn’t want you there. You’re about to abort the mission when Arthur nods his head.

“Here, take my seat. It’s closer to the fire. I’m going to actually head to bed,” Arthur shares ignoring the glare Sean sends his way.

Arthur leaves and you sit down with hesitation.

Your heart starts to ache and you have a slight panic. Is whatever he went through that terrible that he doesn’t even want to be by you? Did you remind him of something? The thought nearly kills you.

“(Name), oh no. What the hell did I do?! Why are you crying?!” The poor fiery red-head is stunned.

You are stunned as well. You had no idea you had busted out into tears as your fingers brush your cheeks. You quickly try to recompose yourself and ask the question you’ve been dying to ask.

“Are you okay, Sean? Scratch that, tell me how I can help you. I noticed that even Arthur is trying to comfort you by being your drinking buddy but that isn’t going to work Sean. I can’t pretend I don’t see all the flinches you do anymore. All the little scared moments you have that you think no one else notices. Please tell me how I can help you,” You say your voice breaking in multiple parts.

Hearing the hurt in your voice, the pain you felt for him, it nearly made him cry. He doesn’t cry in front of others. He puts down his bottle and pulls you onto his lap. His arms immediately wrap around you tightly and he’s trembling, shaking like a damn leaf.

“Sorry (Name). I’ve been so fucking stupid as of late. I’ve been avoiding you too. I-“ He stops so he won’t cry.

You can feel his hands shaking worse than his whole body and you realize he’s already trying to push himself for you. You scramble off of him in a heartbeat. The confusion on his face shows as you gently take his hand.

“You are naïve to think that a bottle will fix what happened. Or make you forget. I’m unsure how to help you, but if avoiding me was helping you I can accept that. I can stop trying to care abou-“

The squeeze Sean gives your hand became a tad painful as he lets out a choked “no”. He glances around, to make sure the others are still sleeping or well haven’t been eavesdropping before he allows himself to speak with a bit more urgency.

“No. No. I don’t want that. Avoiding is making things worse. I- I miss you. I miss your hugs. I miss actually talking to you and teasing you. I’ve been avoiding you because I like you so damn much and I thought you seeing how badly this affected me would’ve been a turn-off,” He admits his skin turning a little bit red from embarrassment.

You honestly want to hit him with love right about now.

“You might be a bit of a dumbass. You honestly thought that I wouldn’t like you because of this? Sean, I care too much about you. I honestly love you. It’s hurting me seeing you like this,” You whisper looking at your joined hands.

His slim long fingers are holding onto your own with everything they have. He had stopped shaking. It finally hits you.

“I know that they physically harmed you. If you want me to help we can start there? Have little touches like this until you are more comfortable and your body and mind processes that you are safe here? Only if you want to though. I’m so sorry for projecting my feelings onto you like that,” You murmur out all of this in a slight panic once again.

Sean gives you a hearty chuckle and large grin as he asks, “Did you say you love me?”

“Of course, that’s the part that sticks with you! I guess that’s good. That means there is hope for you yet,” You mumble looking anywhere but him.

He pulls your hand to his chest forcing you to look at him. Only this time he’s serious. “I’ve been holding out on ya since Blackwater but I love you too (Name). I accept your help since you’re so willing. Ah… Would you be kind enough to uh-“

He stops talking and simply uses his other hand to point and tap his cheek. He so desperately wants the simple touch so you gladly do it. Your soft lips meet his skin and he almost melts at the moment. Pulling away, you both stare at each other and for the first time since he’s been back, Sean feels completely safe.

#softrozene writes #rdr2 x reader #red dead redemption 2 x reader #sean macguire x reader #rdr2 sean macguire #rdr2 fanfic #fanfiction #scenario #fanfic scenarios #female reader #angst #fluff

[maguneedsalife]

T'zekhwalker - Final Zenos Fight

i spent so much time here it needed its own post. i'd be lying if i said this one scene wasn't a main reason i pushed t'zekh through the main story (the other was i wanted him to get to 90/get the rdm artifact gear so he could wear his canon glam but you know)

so, some background for folks who are new here: t'zekh was the main wol for stormblood. he was the one zenos became obsessed with, and he has spent most of endwalker trying to get zenos to leave him alone. he knows zenos desperately wants t'zekh to kill him--to come at him with fire and rage and bloodlust--but t'zekh refuses to kill anyone no matter how much they deserve it.

i had been waiting so long for t'zekh to be able to do this dialog choice and the answer i had envisioned for him actually changed from the time i did this with aoife. originally i'd thought he'd go with option 2, but by the time i got here, 3 was more his style.

which ended up being a good thing, because zenos's response to that answer was fucking perfect for t'zekh

small aside--it drove me bonkers back when spoiler embargo first lifted and ppl (mostly on twitter) were INSISTING that answer 1 was the only possible canon answer and if you picked any of the others you were clearly playing the game wrong. even despite yoshi p confirming that there was no "correct" answer and the team had tried to write it so that players could respond to zenos the way they felt best reflected their own character's experience. people were STILL out there like "sorry but if you didnt pick option 1 you're just wrong"

so to see the text validate my choice and my hcs so perfectly has me feeling vindicated in this chilis. it is okay for people to have a different experience of the game than you!!! (i'll get off my soapbox now)

option 3 was perfect for t'zekh because he is finally fed up enough with zenos that he's finally willing to cast aside his moral opposition to killing in order to make sure zenos can't hurt anyone else in his name.

and zenos caught on to that and responded in kind.

anyway then i took a fucktillion pictures in the instance (most of which i'll put on my wol blog)

it was so hard to get them in the same frame lmao

and then i did the solo fight! not too bad on red mage, surprisingly enough - was very thankful to have vercure though lmao

this punch is still just as satisfying the second time

On my way to the last credits sequence i learned that you will actually fuck up the music timing if you skip or speed up the credits. it was playing revenge twofold when it was supposed to be playing flow together. that was very jarring. i don't know why they haven't set it to just start playing flow together for that sequence. dont skip the credits folks

and that's a wrap! i uhhh might have abandoned him before finishing out the quest so i could go farm memoria misera with aoife but im very happy to have (technically) beaten Endwalker with him before the year ended, which was one of my goals.

I think I started main story with him in January, so it's taken me about a year to get through... mostly what set me back was i had to make time/build emotional strength to make progress through parts I knew would be difficult emotionally. But I committed to not to skipping any cutscenes and just pressing on through a second read, and I'm glad to have embarked on this journey.

as soon as i finished endwalker the first time i knew it was going to be equally aoife and t'zekh's story. they both ended up having stakes in the plot in different ways, and getting to play through and see things from t'zekh's perspective was so much fun.

i still keep thinking abt the version of the ending in my head, wherein t'zekh is lying at the edge of the universe and all he can think is "i want to live, dammit!!"

and he hears a voice calling out to him.

"there you are!" aoife shouts, "I was looking all over for you!"

T'zekh has spent so much of the story kind of in aoife's shadow, grappling with what it means to be a "hero" in his own way. he spent a lot of stormblood resenting her absence.

but by the end of endwalker… i think they end up really close friends

---

Next, it'll be Banri's turn.... skipping as many cutscenes as possible so i can get him through before Dawntrail!

#ffxiv log #edw #catboy pics

[treesap-blogs]

Last of my Trans Rights Readathon reviews!! “The Wicked Bargain” by Gabe Cole Novoa

(Strap in everyone, this is going to be a long one! Not only did I have a lot of thoughts on this, but it was somewhat an excuse for one of my hyperfixs to make a cameo. I don’t think I’ve had a 2K word review since The Dragon’s Promise?!)

Hello, Tumblrians! This wraps up my fifth and final review of my Trans Rights Readathon reads!! This one in particular might’ve been anticipated by y’all, as I’d mentioned both looking forward to it and listening to it on Audible for weeks. This particular review will be covering The Wicked Bargain by Gabe Cole Novoa!

I feel this is the only one with a worthwhile Book Discovery Backstory(or whatever fucking name I’ve used before), to be honest: I haven’t shared on here, despite it being the platform to do so (this is just a bookish account for now and I’ve yet to post art outside of that), but I’ve been an Our Flag Means Death fan for about a year now! I’ve gotten attached to the characters, especially a select few, and consequently, I followed a good chunk of the actors on Instagram. For reference, Jim’s my favorite (although my other top three are Oluwande and Jackie, as a sidenote), so I follow their actor, Vico Ortiz, on Instagram! Turns out they do voiceover work, particularly with audiobook narration(which I found out about in November but only remembered beginning of this year?), and they made a story post in January or so that was day 2 of them recording in the studio the narration for this book. The next day they actually made a video dropping the title of it, and I rushed to go check it out! It’s absolutely delightful, reading a gay pirate book narrated by my favorite from the gay pirate show. (Even if I suck ass with staying focused with audiobooks and as a result also had to have a hard copy on hand lmao. I haven’t listened to one since my seventh grade art teacher played all three audiobooks for The Hunger Games. Sidenote, who decided those were for kids?! They’re terrifying!) Despite that being the main reason I got into the book and knew about it in the first place, somehow I ended up forgetting it was actually real and not just something I’d gaslit myself into believing until a week or two until the release date💀

(No but seriously though I followed Gabe Cole Novoa’s Instagram and regularly commented under his updates, I had grown into a certified actual TWB fan between February and when I actually read it in March😭)

So yeah! The more you know, haha. Sorry about the long rant, and also to my dear friend who may be reading this and who I have ranted about my fictional crushes enough times that he can recognize some of them (including the aforementioned) by just pronoun, based on context alone.

BUT YEAH! So the ultimate question: was this book worth the hype? Not just from me, personally, but for most of Tik Tok and some of the bookish Crew folks who’d caught on to its existence? My final verdict? Yes, yes it was. It was an absolute blast of a book.

Ok, onto my actual review now! This is already plenty long, and we haven’t even talked about the plot.

The Wicked Bargain follows (newly) 16 year-old Mar León De La Rosa, a Latine nonbinary (transmasculine) teen working alongside their father on the ship he’s captaining(and became notorious for), La Catalina. (It’s worth mentioning that this book takes place somewhere in the beginnings of the Golden Age Of Piracy, I think the exact year the story starts is legitimately 1717?) On the night of their sixteenth birthday, however, El Diablo comes to claim their father’s soul because of a deal he made with him when Mar was born, then killing everyone else on La Catalina except for him and Mar. Mar has to find a way to get him back before it’s too late, having to learn to hone their own magical abilities (fire and ice elemental stuff!) if they have any hopes of successfully defeating El Diablo, and finding a new home in the ship, La Ana, that saved them from drowning at sea. (Of course, there’s other notable characters: like my personal favorite, a gender-fluid demonio named Dami with somewhat questionable morals, and the son of La Ana’s captain, Bas, who Mar much to their dismay ends up falling for.)

(Sidenote: premise for this sounds sick as fuck, right?! There’s so much plot going on though that it’s taken me five tries to correctly condense and explain it to my friends. Five! Like..go to the Goodreads page, you’ll see what I mean. I legit needed to take a breather the first time I went ahead and read the blurb back in January ‘cause it’s a mouthful.) (I’ve noticed that the bullet-point explanation/“tagging” format used by a few Bookstagrammers works in their favor this time because they can just use a couple quotes, include “found family”, “magic”, “gay pirates” and “a deal with the devil” and call it a day.)

So as you can tell, plot-wise, this book is packed. There’s some other details and aspects I left out because it would be spoiler-y to include them, which can be overwhelming for a few (especially given on how long it takes for Mar to pick things up and start throwing baddies around, yeah it takes a while for them to actually be comfortable with using their abilities)(this does not work within the time constraints of the deal and every time it would mention weeks going by and the moon phases changing I’d be like “oh no”)! It took a bit of getting used to on my part, but it keeps things moving along and it ties into the swashbuckling part of it all (see: pirates, haha). This does not work in the ending’s favor, however, because it ended very quickly to the point where it felt a little abrupt. 

I really liked the cast of characters! (I think ensemble casts are starting to grow on me a bit.) A lot of them were so much fun, the obvious favorite being Dami. While a few of their schemes got…convoluted (especially in the last act, but that was kinda mandatory for it to work), I absolutely ate up their moral ambiguity and their banter with Mar. This book also had a solid villain, too! (And an interesting pick as well, being that it’s..the literal devil lmao.) El Diablo got a kickass introduction, cementing him as a threat and a force to be reckoned with in the story’s plot, and he remained menacing throughout basically the entire book. I enjoyed that a lot, he’s probably one of the more solid YA villains I’ve read about! (Even if I have a few questions about his identity at the end. We don’t have a spoiler section for this review, so I’m keeping things vague at that?) As for the non-villainous/morally gray characters I liked, Bas, although he got a horrible first impression with Mar, remained a fun character to bounce off of them. (“Them” singular, I mean bouncing off of Mar lol.) Eventually, when the romance between Bas and Mar was introduced into the plot, I actually liked it and thought that there was a gradual shift in Mar’s opinion of him rather than a total 180 just to make it work(maybe it was because the drag from listening to this and it taking me four times as long to read, though, that made me think it wasn’t rushed). (LMK what you guys think in the comments!) 

To wrap up my discussion on the other characters, Tito got mentioned only a few times I think, but he was one of my favorites too. He was just really sweet, I liked how caring he was towards Mar (especially during the point of the book when they were terrified after being discovered by him) and I appreciate fictional dudes like that. I missed him when Mar and Bas were the centerpieces of the second act and not the La Ana crew as a whole, because it meant there wasn’t any more time to be spent with him :(

Anyhow! Now, Mar themselves. They’re in emotional pain for a lot of the book, and have a sizable amount of trauma attributed to their magic(which is just called the Spanish word for it, magía, here). That prevents them from seeking out solutions related to that. I get it. But damn I was SO annoyed at them for just. Making things drag out?! Literally half of the book would’ve never happened had they just realized they had these super powerful abilities at their disposal!! The one time that Dami tried to get them to use their abilities was kinda convoluted (did the rest of the crew seriously have to be involved, too?!)(and by involved I just mean endangered bro), but their reasoning was understandable imo. When they were frustrated at Mar for their hesitance I was too oh my gods. (Seriously though, when Dami was basically about to pull their hair out because of anger and stress, I was too, and started full-on laughing because it was basically my reaction. I felt seen by that! Sigh.) Anyhow. That issue aside, I loved their characterization as a transmasc non-binary protagonist. I related heavily to their feelings of gender dysphoria, and appreciated as a Spanish learner that the La Catalina crew (and some other folks who knew about Mar not being a boy but non-binary) added the “e” ending to their Spanish when referring to them. Also, little bit of a personal note but I thought it was interesting how they presented really masculine and were alright with “boy” being used as a descriptor for themselves sometimes; a lot of non-binary rep is kept strictly androgynous(well, particularly in television because books are more diverse I noticed), and as a non-binary person who also identifies as gender-fluid and uses male/masculine labels occasionally, this was yet another facet of their gender identity I connected with :). 

(Additional thoughts on the nonbinary representation: I appreciated having this be in a story within the historical fiction genre, because although yes, the characters aren’t real, there’s still that acknowledgement that queerness has always been around. It especially helped to have that be told through the Latine lense that Gabe Cole Novoa wrote it in, because in non-European/white cultures, it’s been an integral part of them but got erased by colonialism. Colonization was semi-frequently mentioned in this book, due to Mar’s cultural background, so that was a point of complexity that was brought up along with it. I’m glad that got to be highlighted here, it’s a layer of queer history typically not talked/written about in mainstream narratives because they're mostly white-centered.)

Magic system I’m a little on-the-fence about, to be honest, because we have some idea of how the strain on Mar limits their usage of it and it ties into the plot(I liked the added detail of them having to use their magic every 2 or so weeks because it would build up!), but they also get pretty powerful with little to no training and I wish the book was a bit longer so we could get more time to develop that. And, as the paragraph on Mar’s characterization gave away, we didn’t get a ton of action scenes involving magic! It stilted its development, sadly, and kinda led to the sudden influx of power in the quick ending. (I was expecting Dami to try to train them a little more! I guess that didn’t happen. Maybe it could, in a version of the story where there were a few more pages and the pacing was a little less clunky towards the last act.)

Ok, in conclusion! I loved TWB a lot. (That’s the acronym that Gabe Cole Novoa uses in regards to it, and I picked up on that because it’s fun! It’s like talking about something with a dedicated fandom.) Even though it didn’t get the highest rating of my Trans Rights Readathon books due to the pacing hindering it a little, I think I enjoyed it the most out of all of them (maybe I’m a bit biased though, see the Book Discovery Backstory). Mar, Dami and Bas have stuck with me for weeks after I initially read about them on-page in March, I still have my hold receipt for my library copy(which I had to return, sad face) stored away in a tiny box in my room, and I’ll be reading anything Gabe Cole Novoa publishes from here on out :).

(Also, I tried drawing digitally for my last fanart piece bc I just got a new iPad and it’s easier for me to sketch on this one, for some reason! I hope you’ve enjoyed the addition of my fanart!)

(Edit, August 10, 2023: I removed the second piece of fanart from this post only to include my art of Bas and Mar. My Dami drawing was inaccurate to how they look on the cover art for The Diablo’s Curse, and I felt the need to take it down for that reason.)

Book rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️/5 stars

(Book content/trigger warnings: Drowning, confinement, grief, gender dysphoria, some instances of underage drinking, semi-frequent mentions of colonization, mention of racial slavery.)

~Paz, signing off!

Trans Rights Readathon Reviews: 5/5

[chibitabathasloves]

I posted 5,783 times in 2022

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#and we have a regularish conversation where they ask yes or no questions about the person following me. and ask where i am periodically

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I'm sure some of you have maybe noticed my inactivity. Today marks day 4 of no power and I am trying to conserve my data on my phone for things like the news and such. I'm okay, everyone i live with is okay. The thunderstorm that ripped through the city took out over 100,000 peoples power and its going to take time to get it back. I'll be back to clog your dashes then. Love you all! 💚💖

6 notes - Posted May 24, 2022

#4

For those of you who are waiting for an update for Let Us Waltz From the Dead: I'm sorry. I caught the rona and I am trying to take it easy. I don't have a teaser or anything for you all in the meantime. But! If you have any questions fire them at me and I will do my best to answer them

6 notes - Posted January 24, 2022

#3

I have been at FanExpo Canada for the last 4 days. It has been an experience. Lots of fun stuff, lots of cool events and panels. But most importantly, I found Hannibal Pins in artist's alley.

They have so many more pins, and I am so excited to get more when I get more money!

7 notes - Posted August 28, 2022

#2

Trick or Treating with Trouble

Happy secret friend day to my secret friend @ghostarwarriors I hope you like this little Halloween themed fic. We got Sportarobbie, we got the kids trick or treating, we got wholesome feelings. You can find it on AO3 if Tumblr eats the formatting (again). Please enjoy! and Happy Halloween!

Robbie shoved his hand under his pillow, adjusting his long legs to curl onto the bench better. A sigh slipped from his lips and he could taste the edge of sleep. “Hi Robbie!” The pink menace seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, Robbie opening his eyes into slits to see her standing there with her hands behind her back. “Go away,” he huffed, tossing his body to roll over on the cramped outdoor furniture. “I will. After I ask you something very important. Please?”  Her voice wasn’t loud or grating, just a gentle plea to be heard. And it was just the one kid. What could it hurt? He craned his head to look over his shoulder. “What do you want?” “Can you take us out trick-or-treating?” She batted brown eyes at him, a small hopeful smile on her face. “No.” He flopped his head down hard enough to smack against the rail of the bench and he hissed and rubbed at the spot. “But Robbie! There’s no one else who can take us.” She shifted to stand behind the bench, trying to make eye contact with him. “What about the Blue Kangaroo?” He flopped over again, avoiding her gaze. She ran back around and he covered his face with his pillow. “Sportacus goes to bed so early, so we’re going to do pumpkin carving and stuff with him earlier in the day. But there is no one to take us all out. Our guardians want to stay home to give us candy, thinking someone else will take us.” He could hear the sadness creeping into her tone, but he didn’t have to see her face crumpling, so he told himself he didn’t care. “Plus, no one disguises themselves better than you. We could be going out with a real master of disguise.” He lifts the pillow to look over her again. She certainly knew how to get what she wanted. Certainly appreciated her spunk. “Fine. But I won’t be doing anything else.” “Thank you so much Robbie!” She smiled so hard she rocked on her feet. “Enjoy your nap!” He scowled as he watched her run off, nap ruined since he now had to plan the perfect disguise to take the town terrors out in.

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Robbie wasn’t expecting Sportacus to be dressed in anything other than his hero outfit. But there he was, standing there in a blood stained lab coat, holding a plate with something absolutely drowning in whipped cream. “Thank you so much Robbie.” Robbie frowned, even as the plate was offered out to him. “I would have had to listen to them complain if I didn’t help them. What’s this?” “Pumpkin pie, with extra whipped cream. I couldn’t eat any, but I did convince the kids to try some roasted pumpkin seeds.” The smile aimed at him when he took the plate was practically blinding. Expecting the pie to not be appetizing, even drowning in sugar, he took a small bite using the provided fork. His eyebrows climbed, the pie was sweet. “You can’t eat this can you?” Sport chuckles, scratching at the back of his head, where the hat he normally wears shifts slightly. “No, but the kids really wanted pie, and Bessie was willing to help them. She also has candied pumpkin seeds if you want to try them out.” Robbie scoffs before leaning in to press a quick kiss to Sport’s cheek. “No way in hell, Sportacutie.” He smiles even as Sport’s face pinks and his hand covers the spot that he kissed. “I’ll take care of the kids. You just get your beauty rest. I’ll get you out of town before you know it.” He said the last part loud enough that the head of pink hair jumped, before moving away from the low wall. “The kids are spying on you again.” “I think you mean they’re spying on you. And you know I am always willing to play with you Robbie.” Again that megawatt smile is beamed at him, eyes at risk for permanent damage. “Yeah, sure. Whatever you say. I’ll see you later.” It’s his turn for his cheeks to heat.

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“Well, what a crowd we have here tonight!” Mayor Milford chortled as he grabbed for the bowl with a handful of gift bags for the kids. “Go on Pinkie, it’s your house.” Robbie nudged her towards the door, their final stop of the night. “Come with me?” She held her hand out to him. With a put-upon sigh, he took her hand as they approached the light spilling into her yard. “We have a robot. A ghost.” Milford handed bags to Pixel and Ziggy. “A… archer?” “A Highwayman!” Robbie had to give it to Trixie, she was basically dressed in all brown with a bandanna. “A what?” The mayor blinked at her owlishly. “A type of robber. Mostly done on horseback.” Pixel’s ‘robot’ costume was blinking and whirring softly as he fiddled with his wrist computer to pull up the appropriate information. “Uh. I see.” Milford dropped the treats into Trixie’s bag. His eyes then shifted to Stingy, who was trying to reach for the bowl. “And you are?” “A magpie.” Stingy huffed, and if he had real feathers he was sure they'd be ruffled. “They like shiny objects and like to bring them back home to their nests.” Stephanie brought Robbie into the circle of light. Milford laughed as Stingy practically snatched the candy out of his hand and hummed about it being his. “What do you say, Sticky?” Stingy huffed again. “Thank you for giving me what’s mine.” Robbie sighed through his nose, but let it go. He was tired of the grubby handed child after house two. The other three children also piped up with their thanks. “We also have a fine looking hero in our midst.” Milford held a hand out to his niece, and she slipped from Robbie's grip and gave her uncle a big hug. Her pink hero outfit makes the light seem to shift colors, he wonders if Sport’s would as well. “Thank you Uncle Milford.” She popped up onto her toes to press a kiss to his cheek. He chuckled, squeezing his charge before his eyes shifted to Robbie, lurking just on the outside of the light. “And what a handsome vampire.” Milford smiled, holding out a bag for Robbie. Robbie blinked several times, before pointing to himself. Stephanie and Trixie rushed over to grab his hands and pull him into the group. “You are the only v-vampire!” Ziggy smiled and placed a hand on his cape, making it flap slightly. “Thank you. You didn’t have to.” He held the small bag and looked at the spiderweb and ghost print. “Think of it as my thanks for bringing the kids out.” Milford patted his wrist before turning towards the kids. “Who’s ready for movies?” The kids all scramble past the two adults, mumbling thanks as they rush past Robbie. He even feels the youngest give him a hug against his leg, he lets his fingers brush over the white sheet covered head. Then it’s just him and Stephanie. “I can’t convince you to come in, huh?” “No. You kids have fun. I am tired and would rather sleep. Like you all should be.” Robbie crosses his arms over his chest before freeing one hand to try and shoo her away. Stephanie just smiles. “We have a special bag here for Sportacus. We made it up in case anyone got into trouble. Can you hang onto it for me?” Robbie turned up his nose at the bag probably filled with sports candy or something else. That trail mix that didn’t even have the candies he could pick out. Blech. “Why would I?” “We’re all going to be here until tomorrow, you still have to go home, what if you trip and get hurt? You could give it to him then! If not, I'll come and pick it up tomorrow.” Robbie sniffed, before taking the bag. “Fine. But not before four. I want to sleep.” Stephanie nodded, a knowing glint in her eyes as she closed the door on a bewildered Robbie.

----------------------------------------

Sport curled into him when he slipped into the large fluffy bed. “Did you all have a fun time?” “I’m sure the kids had a great time. I don’t know how you wrangle them all day.” Robbie sighed as he tugged Sport to his chest. “It’s easy to do when it’s something you love. Did you not enjoy helping them dress up?” Sport pressed a sleepy kiss to his nose. “I did. They also made you up a bag for Halloween, in case we ran into trouble.” Sportacus pressed his sleepy chuckle into Robbie’s chest. “They couldn’t run into trouble, he went with them.” Robbie squawked, trying to squirm out of Sport’s strong grip. “How dare-!” “It’s okay. Because I love trouble.” Sport pressed another kiss to Robbie’s neck. Robbie was certainly pouting now. “I love you too. Blue Menace.” He pressed his own kiss to Sport’s forehead. “Good night Robbie. Sweet dreams.” “Sleep well, Sportacus.”

23 notes - Posted October 31, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

So recently I was in Toronto! And I got to see Hannibal Lecter’s office! My friend took some pics for me! Featuring a @mayakern skirt!

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109 notes - Posted September 3, 2022

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[captainsimagines]

To Topple A Giant || Chapter Nine

Summary: You had made it your mission to destroy even the smallest evils. When the opportunity arises to finally take down your own family after years of gaining their trust, you reach for it. And so does Steve, the man who represents a symbol of everything you hate.

Pairing(s): Steve Rogers x Reader || Avengers x Reader

Part 9 of 10 ~ Mini-Series

Warnings: This story contains mature themes and discussions such as extreme canon violence, strong language, emotional angst, mentions of Endgame deaths and recoveries, sexual situations, and emotional/physical abuse. This is purely fanfiction.

Warnings in this Chapter: strong language; use of a derogatory slur/racist language (not said by any main character); mentions of blood and injuries; angst!  

Word Count: 11,200+

A/N: One more chapter after this - I should really stop labeling this as a mini-series considering it’s already over 100,000 total words lmao. Thank you for staying with me this long! I love you guys soooo much!!!

~

Utah Merry Hotel, January 2025, 2:09pm

     “I’m being an ol’ sport, why can’t you?” You whine, stomping your feet as you trudged up the stairs to the hotel roof. “It’s our first serious stakeout in forever! I’m pretty sure Wanda shaved her legs for this.”

Steve shoots a flustered and unsettled look over his shoulder. He’s lugging the rifles and extra equipment on both his shoulders so you know he’s truly baffled because to even attempt a look over… well, that required real effort. He doesn’t answer, however; he continues upward. 

Bucky and Clint are following close behind. They’re tired, huffing every few steps and grunting while doing so. Finally, Bucky whines and throws himself against the wall dramatically. “Remind me why we couldn’t just get Wanda and Sam to lift us up there?”

Steve readjusts one of the rifle straps while he replies, “Buck, I told you not to skip leg day.”

“I skip ‘everything’ day. I’m just now employed as a superhero, thank you very much. The serum should be enough.”

“Are we even close?” Clint asks and passes Bucky on a few steps. Bucky takes that as a challenge though and hoists himself more steps before giving up again. 

You just watch in pure amusement. Makes you really proud that your thighs are stronger than theirs. “Just a few more flights.”

They both groan in unison. Steve has already rounded the next flight, no longer waiting on the three of you. It takes several more minutes until you kick open the roof door Steve had left slightly ajar. It’s cold outside, wind howling with icy droplets whipping through your hair. It’s only fifty stories up but it’s pretty high - you can see the tops of the trees, or branches really. It’s winter in Utah and most of the trees are naked and covered in snow. You hope Bucky and Clint, the dynamic duo no one saw coming, still have good aim in this wind after a year of vacation. 

“Alright. Buck - Clint, set up over there. Y/N, you’re over there.” 

“Aye Aye, Captain.”

You set up where Steve instructed. You’ve got a simple magnifier and some binoculars - you won’t have to do any shooting today, thank the Gods. Clint’s got his arrows and Bucky’s got his sniper. Steve’s waiting for a signal from Sam if need be - he won’t need to shoot today either. 

“Wanda and Sam will let us know when the cars pass the barrier. The tech cannot, under any circumstances, pass through the gate right over there.” Steve points to the giant, black coated metal gate. There’s no one on duty. You made sure to evacuate the area and any staff before. The tech these goons are bringing in is all stolen Stark Tech. And according to Happy, strict instructions are to ‘blow it to Hell’.  

“And if it does?” Bucky asks, grinning mischievously at Steve’s pointed look. 

“What’d I just say?”

Bucky laughs and puts his hands up in surrender. “Damn, Stevie. Calm thyne tits.” He goes back to fiddling with his rifle. “Blow the tires before they reach the gates but after they pass the barrier. Got it.”

“Peter, you in position?” Steve asks and adjusts his earpiece. 

You can hear Peter over your own mic. “Seatbelts look easy enough to break. I’m in position, I can easily pull them from the trucks.”

“Five minutes then.”

You all settle in. The cold has passed through the leather of your boots and your toes are paying the price. It makes you miss the rain of spring and the sprinkles of fall, when everything is drenched rather than frozen and your toes still have mobility. Your jacket is big enough but it scratches your neck every time you lean down to look through the magnifier. As the minutes tick by, you brave the cold and take it off. You’d rather conduct your part efficiently and without the constant distraction. 

“It’s almost forty degrees out,” Steve mumbles beside you. He’s looking over the roof balcony and into the trees. He’s squints and refuses your offer of binoculars. 

“So I get a sore throat.”

Steve rolls his eyes, “Tony put a heater in all our suits. You should have worn yours.”

“My suit is half nano. It’s excessive for a stakeout.”

He huffs but you ignore him, choosing to look through the rejected binoculars instead. He shuffles, and then there’s a warm weight enveloping your shoulders. It’s his sweater, cotton and baby blue, and he lifts the hood to cover your cheeks and ears. Your stomach flip-flops.

“Uh, thank you,” you say and zip it closed.

Steve shrugs lightly, “Don’t mention it.”

So you don’t. He doesn’t look cold besides or he’s just really good at masking it. It’s quiet now; you can’t really hear the quiet mutters of Clint and Bucky enough to join in and to not mention the jacket is eating at you. You opt for a casual conversation instead while you wait. 

“Soooo… how’d your date go last week?”

Steve clears his throat and turns to you, a forced grin on his face. “They, uh, they were sweet.”

“Sweet,” you repeat, nodding at nothing and cursing yourself for creating such an awkward moment. “Going on a second one?”

He sighs and his expression actually turns truthful. “No, don’t see that happening.”

For a second, you’re appalled. Who wouldn’t give Steve a second date? He’s an absolute catch and being a famous superhero wasn’t exactly a dealbreaker for many. Or maybe it was and Steve was blaming his alias once again for no fairytale ending. “Are you kidding? Who wouldn’t want you?”

The words leave your mouth too quickly to reel them back in. Steve’s cheeks turn pinker, both from your words and the chill, and he ducks his head low as he answers. “It’s my fault, really. They were sweet but I wasn’t paying much attention.”

“Mm, on your phone? Daydreaming? Were they a bore?”

Steve chuckles, “I pulled out my phone, like, once to answer a text but I was a proper gentleman!”

The tension is slowly melting and there’s a soft twinkle in his eye as he laughs. It’s been so long since he’s looked at you this way: on his own accord and not on order. “Bucky said they were, and I quote,” you lower your voice and look over at Bucky to make sure he’s distracted. “‘Cute as hell’.”

Steve gives Bucky a warm look. “Eh, it’s fine. Wasn’t the one.”

“The one,” you mock in a deep voice. “Who texted you that it was so important to ignore someone cute as hell?”

Steve hesitates and looks over the balcony as if wishing for an interruption. But the trucks aren’t near yet and Sam hasn’t given the signal. “Uh, it was Peter.”

“Oh, don’t tell him that. He’ll feel incredibly guilty if he ruined your chances at getting laid.”

Steve shoves your shoulder a bit harder than he intended and it makes you stumble back. He quickly catches you by the arm and holds you still, a sheepish smile painting his pink face. He mumbles a quick ‘sorry’, and goes back to lean over the railing. “It’s cool, he knew.”

You fake a surprised gasp, “Even worse!”

“He needed me to stop by the compound and I did. Really, it’s okay,” Steve assures and he’s speaking a little quicker. He fidgets with his thumbs and it looks like he wants to wrap up that portion of the conversation. But he looks over at you and sighs deeply, and he rolls his eyes as his upper lip tilts upward. “Ask.”

“What’d he want?” It makes your belly all warm to know he expects this enthusiasm from you.

“Wanted me around. Buck and Wanda were out getting dinner.”

“Yeah, but like, what for?”

He gives you a knowing smile, like you walked right into that trap. “You made dinner but Peter was too nice to say he didn’t enjoy it, so he texted me knowing I would like it. Knowing I had it before. He didn’t want there to be leftovers because then you’d be sad.”

You step back and shake your head like there’s a fly swarming around. It startles you. “You left your date… during dinner… to come to the compound to eat the dinner I made instead?”

“Don’t think too much about it.”

“How not?”

It’s five minutes when Sam calls it in. You groan in frustration and give Steve a look that says the conversation isn’t over. 

There are four armored vehicles and the magnifier illuminates three bodies per car. The targets will be hit starting from the last to keep the explosions out of each driver’s line of sight. 

“Target acquired,” Bucky mumbles and clicks off his safety. He closes one eye and settles comfortably as he awaits Steve’s signal.         

Clint tugs back an arrow, “Same here, Cap.”

“Wanda, you ready?” Steve’s voice is lower when he’s focused. He looks over at you, your hand up with an index finger raised, and waits. Wanda answers that she’s ready and Sam counts it down. The first truck crosses the barrier, then the next, next, and finally the fourth and you drop your hand in a fast swipe. 

“Fire! Go Parker!”

Bucky shoots the back tires of all four vehicles and Clint shoots his arrows to penetrate through the passenger doors. Peter works fast, webs slinging from side to side grabbing one passenger right after the other. Once the trucks are empty, Clint activates the arrows and you all prepare for the explosions. The fourth car catches flame first and Wanda contains the explosion perfectly, balling it up into a weak bundle of light and string. She does the same to the third and second, bundles extinguishing just as quickly as they burst. But the first car swings out of control on manual and the explosion is delayed.

“Clint?”

Clint leans over the balcony and squints, as if it would help. “I don’t know. It’s not going off.” He’s clicking the detonator repeatedly, holding it up for all of you to see. 

“Wanda, the truck! The truck! Sam!” You scream as the truck crashes through the gate and hurls closer to the hotel. The commotion is enough for Bucky to pop out from his cover and the four of you watch in horror as the truck still doesn’t stop. Clint has stopped clicking the button, but it’s no use. The truck finally explodes in an outbreak of debris and electricity. The Stark Tech reacts poorly to the strain, electric gusts of smoke fire left and right and rattle the building. It feels like an earthquake, shaking the already weak foundations and old brick. Wanda catches the bottom to better contain it and tries desperately to smother it. But the shaking doesn’t stop and the corners of the roof are collapsing. 

Steve leaps to grab and pull you away and just as quickly to catch Clint’s leg before he falls over the edge. Clint is thrown back rather harshly but Steve isn’t thinking about the abuse of strength right now - no, not while Bucky slips and hangs on to a rogue pipe. Steve crawls and latches onto his hand before the pipe gives way. He yells as he tugs Bucky up with only one arm, the other having to hold onto undisturbed brick. He won't let Bucky fall. Not again.

Bucky throws his leg up and over solid ground, and you go to help Steve pull him up. Bucky’s heavy and his metal hand pinches your skin bad but he’s safe. Wanda struggles to contain the electricity but she’s succeeding. The rumbling slows until nothing moves anymore. You collapse back in exhaustion.

“Well, that didn’t go as planned,” Bucky gasps as he rubs his face. 

“Is Wanda okay?” You mumble more to yourself and struggle to pull yourself back up. But the sudden weight of your body proves too much for the edge and in a horrible wave, you’re falling through. You practically file your nails as you try to latch onto falling brick.

“No!” You feel the scratch of someone’s fingers along your forearm and soon they’re digging into your skin, and it hurts but you figure it’s better than splitting your skull open. Pebbles of concrete are falling down onto your face and the smoke from the explosion is clogging your nostrils. You hang for a few seconds, like the person can’t believe they actually caught you. Then they begin pulling you up, lifting you to safety, and you claw the rest of the way only to tumble into Steve’s chest, shaking. 

He pulls you into his arms but they’re restless, roaming over your shoulders and through your knotted hair clumsily. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” His voice wavers and he’s on the verge of tears, it seems. His waterline is glossy and his lips are quivering. “Answer me.”

“I’m fine, hey. Steve? I’m good.”

He pulls away and his hands hover you like he doesn’t know what else to do with them. “I’m sorry. I should have kept you close. I-” His voice cracks and he swallows hard. “You sure you’re okay?”

Disregarding his words is difficult, especially when you feel a second meaning to them, but you force yourself to do so. It’s been such a long time since you’ve seen him like this. And each time you have, it was never because of anything good. “Y-yeah. I’m good, Rogers.”

Bucky and Clint look at each other, they look at Steve, to you, and back to each other. Finally, Clint breaks the silence and huffs a light chuckle. “Are we really THAT rusty?”

Present Day, 2025, 11:45pm

    The Montana skies are clear and free of passenger planes, allowing the Quinjet to swift easily on autopilot. You could never drive this thing and the building anxiety of that reality bubbles each time it makes an unsteady bounce. 

Steve’s laying in the makeshift medical wing and though it’s against protocol, he’s on a secure line with Dr. Cho. She takes her time, albeit working as fast as possible too, and her light voice is fairly calm. It settles you to hear her speak this way. 

‘I need you to use this disinfectant, Captain Rogers. Do not pour it on all at once… Good, now dig through gently and make sure the pliers are sanitized.’

Steve digs out the bullets himself and bites down on a clean towel. He’s biting down hard enough that his teeth make a squeaking sound against it. It takes every ounce of your willpower to not do it for him. The Montana skies are beautiful, at least. It’s a good distraction. 

Steve gives a rather painful yell as he finally plucks the second bullet, cursing as a stream of blood drips onto the table. He’s got such tough skin - miracle or serum - that the bullets didn’t pass all the way through. Dr. Cho moves on to how to properly bandage the wound but Steve begins to tune her out. 

Two years mucking through mud and bodies and getting patched up every other day has prepared him for whatever life may throw during this new century. Not much has changed, it seems. 

When the line disconnects, Steve can finally just relax. He focuses on the soft rumble of the engine and your steady breaths. 

     You hold your breath as you settle the Quinjet on the open field, only half of you actually trusting automatic tech. Steve coaches you the whole time too, the little shit, and promises you’ll never be doing that again. 

Steve stumbles and teeters and falls on the porch steps with a low groan. You let him fall because you know you’d only fall with him. He catches himself with the hand he’s been pressing over the bandage while the other still holds on to you. You fight the urge to crash down with him and bite your lip as you look up to the night sky. 

“C’mon, Rogers,” you swallow down the increasing worry, “We’re almost inside.”

Steve huffs a pained laugh and nods. He grabs your arm again and with his remaining strength, pulls himself up,

The inside of the cabin looks comfier than the outside. You help Steve to the couch closest to the unlit fireplace before going out back to turn on the power. There’s a thin layer of ice in the grass so just in case, you scope out the garage and make sure there are snow supplies. Not that you really know what the hell snow supplies actually look like, but there’s a shovel and you figure that’s as much as your brain is going to piece together. 

When you get back inside, Steve’s fumbling with the coffee maker and leaving tiny fingerprints of blood over every surface he touches. You don’t comment on them, just step back and discreetly wipe the counters each time he passes. 

“Figured you’d like a pot,” Steve says. 

It damn near breaks your heart how small his voice sounds. The fact he’s stumbling around the cabin making sure you’ve got your coffee fix while he’s nursing two bullet wounds damn near snaps it in two.

“Thank you,” you respond and go to lead him back to the couch. He moans quietly when he sits and again as you lay him down. “I hope you don’t think I’m sleeping here,” Steve laughs and tries to hide his wince due the uncomfortable rumble. 

You smile and touch your hand to his hot cheek. His body is working overtime fighting off infection and regenerating tissue. His cheeks are a lovely scarlet red and so is the beautiful bulb of his crooked nose. He’s a little shiny, like varnish over light paint strokes, and taking the fever like a champ. “I’ll help you to the bed in a little bit. Let’s get that fever down first.”

Steve sighs, defeated, but nods. He lays his head back on the pillow and once he shuts his eyes, you get to work. The bathroom is stocked with the simple necessities: aloe vera, vapor rub, heating and cold pads, dozens of towels, and painkillers. You pop two painkillers yourself before gathering everything and dropping it on a nearby table in the kitchen. The coffee is about done brewing so you fill up a mug with bottled water and set it in the microwave for two minutes. You dip a chamomile tea bag a few times once the water is heated. There’s no teapot - you’ll apologize to Steve later. 

Once Steve’s happily sipping his tea, you start on the medicine. You wet the small towels and lay them over his forehead and bare chest. You rub aloe vera on the other cuts he obtained from hand-to-hand and finally rub the vapor rub in the dip of his neck and just below his nose. Steve gives you this funny smile as you do so, scrunching his nose and wiggling it back and forth. 

“Vicks,” you say as you show him the small container. “Heal you right up.”

“I bet,” he laughs. “Stuff smells like what I think liquid morphine would taste.” A laugh bursts from your chest, your first real instance of calm during these last few hours. You ignore his protests and smother more across his chest. 

Steve settles deeper into the couch and returns to his tea. He’s got less sweat on his skin now but he’s still red. You go to pour yourself that coffee and return to his side. The nanotech is growing stiffer and scratching your skin but you refuse to get comfortable until Steve’s fever breaks. You’re still covered in Ernesto’s blood, the red now a hellish brown, and you try not to move your face much for risk of feeling the dry pull of it. 

“Steve,” you try, but Steve shakes his head and makes sure to meet your gaze before he speaks. 

“No. The less I know the better.”

It surprises you, makes you feel more guilty, but you understand. Not telling him the full truth would be beneficial in the long run. Still, your hands hug the mug closer to your chest. “Do you think I did something bad?”

His upper lip tugs upward, “Do you think you did something bad?”

You don’t think for long. There’s not much need to. “No.”

He nods, “But you care what I think?”

“Of course I do. You’re not just my Captain anymore - you’re my friend. I care even when I’m asking you if my eggs need more salt.”

“You trust me enough to correct your cooking?” He teases, but it’s a question disguised as another. 

“I trust you enough to tell me if I need more salt. You’re not correcting it.” He laughs and dips deeper into the couch. The bandage is bleeding through, only slightly, so you move to find the first-aid kit. 

“Hey, it’s okay. It’ll stop bleeding soon.”

You hum your disagreement. “I’m gonna keep it clean until you’re strong enough to shower.”

“You can always help me shower,” he mumbles into his tea. 

Rolling your eyes, you gently nudge his shoulder as you sit back down with the kit. “If you fall, I can’t catch you, you big lug. We’d have to tell everyone we screwed in there because you falling on top of me, injured, is somehow more embarrassing.”

He allows you to remove the soiled bandage and dab around the healing wounds. He’s bruising around the sides, multiple shades of green and yellow already, and the holes are stitched rather poorly. It makes you feel a little better about your own criss-cross work - even Steve sucks at it. 

“I’m sorry I had to go and get myself shot,” Steve apologizes and sucks in a deep breath when the towel drags a little too roughly. 

“Yeah, what the hell happened there?”

He almost mimics you in the way he shrugs his shoulders and lifts his arms in that ‘well, fuck if I know’ position, pursing his lips and expelling a chuckle. “Had my gun trained on Ernesto. Ernesto had his own on Ramirez. Then Seda came in and Ernesto ordered Ramirez to hand his over to Seda. Played right into Seda’s hands.”

You process the explanation slowly and dab his wound a few more times before unwrapping the clean bandage. “And the damn shield?”

Steve’s embarrassed by that small detail, he’ll admit it, because he truly was blindsided by Seda’s appearance. You were supposed to be holding him down after all. “In my defense! When it’s shrunk down and in your pocket rather than latched onto one’s arm, it’s easily forgettable.”

You clean around the wound softly before placing and taping the new bandage. The conversation settles and you’re both quiet for a long, long minute. He thanks you for cleaning him up by rubbing sweet circles into the knuckles of your right hand. Finally, you can’t take it anymore. It’s like a wave of irrefutable worry and rage, all bunched together with each emotion trying to outweigh the other. That goddamn riptide, sucking you in and keeping your head below water just for the hell of it. Breathing in harshly, you fail to keep yourself from stuttering over your words. “I’m sorry.”

Steve bites back a groan of pain as he leans over to take your cheeks in his palms. The brush of his fingertips lets you know that you’ve already started crying. You don’t much care about the facade anymore. “Doll, listen to me. Listen.”

“I never meant to leave you alone.”

“You never did.”

You bark out a wet laugh, sarcastic. “I should have run faster. I should have killed him all those years ago. I should have never brought you into this.”

“You did what you had to do,” he says, fiercely. He forgets his own strength for a second, only slightly diminished from the healing process, and loosens his tight grip against your cheeks. “You did what you had to do to survive.”

“I wanted to hate you,” you admit. Your bottom lip is trembling and your hands clench together over your thighs. “I wanted to hate you so much. If I did, then you getting hurt or killed on this mission wouldn’t hurt so bad. I hated you for what you did. Because it made me realize that I could never hate you at all.”

“Hey,” he tries, hands now lowering to clutch at your own. “Stop apologizing for having a heart. Stop thinking you’re not worthy of even having one.”

Your face crumbles and Steve realizes for the first time in a long time just how much you’ve been holding in. “Why didn’t you use the stones?”

Steve’s heart clenches at the sound of the crack in your voice. He hasn’t heard that crack since Clint fell to his knees without Natasha by his side. He holds onto you tighter and prepares himself for an admission he never thought he would ever have to give. “Because Peggy told me not to.”

Something confusing happens in the middle of your chest. It clenches with anger but understanding. The answer to your question was always this simple but it looks like it’s tearing Steve apart from the inside-out.

    She’s as beautiful as the day he went into the ice. All he has to do is whisper her name so sweetly, delicately, and she turns her head like she’s answering the prayer. First her knees buckle, eyes watering and blotching her vision, and she collapses on the soft grass of her backyard. Steve’s holding her the very next second, repeating that he’s real, he’s here. 

“Steve,” Peggy gasps, hands shaking as she brings them to his wet cheeks. She grips and pokes and does everything so comically that Steve laughs a wet laugh when she starts smacking him. “What is going on?”

And he tells her. Everything he can remember: the good, the bad, the wretched. He spills everything, and he spills the most delicate information of their time: he’s alive, just frozen; Bucky’s alive, just hurt; the world is saved, just broken. Whether she believes it or not Steve’s not sure, but he’s so goddamn happy to see her again that he chokes every other word. 

“And you? You’re happy?”

His eyebrows come together and he looks at Peggy like she’s speaking another language. She’s got the same red lipstick, same curl in her hair even if it’s longer now, and she’s filling out her dresses more. “Pegs, don’t ask me that.”

She detaches herself slowly from his arms, pausing their dance as she speaks. “Why not? You can’t expect me to accept that you stopped by to see me all willy-nilly after saving the universe.” Her lips twitch into a knowing smile and Steve melts. Her voice is sending him into a spiral, a world he never thought he would see again, and he realizes just how much he loves accents on women  - especially this woman. 

“I just,” he chokes out, and brushes his index finger down her cheek. “I had to see you again.”

“I get that,” Peggy says and pays no mind that the record player has stopped; she still sways gently with Steve. “But you’ve just mentioned a whole other world you’ve been a part of. You’ve got your best guy back, that Wilson fellow sounds like the life of the party, and this Agent Y/N certainly sounds like she’s been by your side through it all.”

Steve stutters in his step and holds her closer. Her stomach presses against his, and he stops abruptly. He looks down between them and runs his hand from her shoulder, down, to lay across her growing belly. “Pegs.”

She gives him the same wide and proud smile she gave him when he returned with the 107th. She lays her hand over his. “I know.” She laughs and tilts her head lovingly. “I’m happy, too.”

Steve bites his lip to keep from sobbing. He was so stupid for coming to this timeline, for ruining Peggy’s chance at happiness, for interrupting the life he already knew she created for herself. He inputted the wrong year, he suddenly realizes, and steps back arms-length from her. “I’m sorry, I was stupid to come here. I just wanted to see you and then I did, and I… I still love you, Pegs.”

“Oh,” Peggy gasps, bottom lip trembling. “Darling, do not mistake yourself, even for a second, into thinking that I do not love you too.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing for having a heart.”

He wants to argue, say he’s stupid a million more times, but he finds himself listening to her gentle words. It’s Peggy, Steve thinks. She’s always been right.

“In this world you live in, you have James?” He nods. She continues, “In this world you live in, you just lost two of your most loved friends?” He nods again. He wipes his face from forehead to chin. “In this world you live in, you have met a woman who has the same stubbornness as you; has the same self-sacrificing streak, who has your heart in such shambles that you dare call her one of your best friends?”

Steve thinks of you and how broken your smile was as you waved him goodbye, hand clenching Sam’s as Steve gathered the stones and Mjolnir. He thinks of the times you’d leap onto his back and demand a ride; the times he’s saved your ass in a firefight; how his sleep has definitely improved ever since he started calming you from nightmares - he hasn’t slept so well since before the war. He nods again.

Her eyes go soft. “Steve,” she starts and Steve knows. He doesn’t want to know. “Don’t abandon the world you’ve built for yourself. Surround yourself with the people you love. Do this for me.”

“There’s so much hate and blood waiting for me when I get back, Pegs. I don’t want to-”

“There is a difference between you not wanting to and you having to.” He drops his head and focuses on the floor. Peggy isn’t done grilling him, however, and he looks back up to grant her the respect. “You must not abandon the world you helped create. I’m not saying this to be mean. I’m saying this because I know you don’t want to.”

“Pegs.”

“I see right through you, Steve. We marched together through mud and blood before. We’ve got two years of fighting side by side under our belts. I’ve seen you at your worst, and you I. I know that face anywhere.”

“I missed you, Pegs,” Steve breathes. She cups his face with her hands and draws their foreheads together.

“The stars weren’t written in our favor. But to know that you’re alive, and that you make it, and that you actually get to live,” she bites back a sob. “I couldn’t ask for anything more.”

“It isn’t my world to begin with.”

“No, you’re a man out of time. But so is James. You won’t abandon him now, will you?”

He chuckles low and their noses touch. “Stop making me feel guilty for wanting to find you, Peggy.”

She presses a soft kiss to the side of his mouth and finally breaks away. “And you won’t abandon that sweet girl who has put up with your nonsense for the last five years, you say?”

Steve shakes his head and meets Peggy’s gaze. “I’m just tired.”

“They are too, I bet.” He turns to the door and to Peggy, and she figures it’s almost time for him to leave. “You have been the archer and the brave, Steve. I’m absolutely certain you’ve been more. You will be more.”

Steve says his final goodbyes and stops to remember the fine details of Peggy’s face. The fifties are treating her well. Steve expected nothing less. Bright lights flash around him and he’s back to the world he wanted to leave, to hide from, and he sees you - and your mouth parts in shock.

     “And you listened to her?” you ask. 

Steve smiles, although it’s hard for him to remember that conversation. “I came back. I didn’t listen to her when she said to surround myself with people who love me, and who I love in return.”

“No, you made damn sure of that.”

“Hey,” Steve chuckles. “Don’t take smacks at me when you’re down.”

You can’t help but laugh. “Sorry, it’s just too easy sometimes.” Laughing about the two years of missed chances and spoiled friendship was not on your bingo card for this week. 

“I don’t know how this is going to play out,” you admit. Steve looks so young with a somber expression: his eyebrow creases gently without wrinkling the rest of his forehead, the side of his mouth tilts downward, and his eyelashes kiss the pink of cheeks. “I decided in the moment. So I’m fuck all out of ideas on how to proceed.”

He nods in understanding. “Guess we just have to look over our shoulders three times instead of two now.”

“Simple like that?” You scrub a hand over your face and curse inwardly when you smudge your lipstick down to your chin. You ignore it. “I know we’re Avengers, but.”

“No buts,” Steve says and moves to sit up. You help him by pushing his shoulders and he accepts your help as you struggle to the bathroom. “You helped the guy and his daughter. I’m sure he’s going to be watching our backs from now on.”

You help Steve strip from his dress pants and shoes and finally remove your suit as well. The graze on your arm is covered in brown, dried blood but the wound isn’t deep. It’ll sting like a sunburn, you know that, but it’s better than being shot through. You watch Steve enter the shower and leave the curtain drawn. His bandage is soaked again but thankfully it’s from the water and not more blood. You grab a spare towel and soak it with water and soap, and rub it across your lips and chin. 

“Let me do that,” Steve calls. You strip bare and bring the towel with you into the shower. Steve takes it and scrubs over your face, gently but more rough as he gets to your eyes. It’s an innocent moment of ‘ouch, scrub softer!’ and ‘surprised I didn’t take all your lashes off’. He helps clean your wound as well and once you’re both clean, he bandages you up and you him. 

The master bedroom is the only room without electricity so you gather some candles. It’s like the two of you won’t admit you’re currently afraid of the dark or what may lie in it. They illuminate the room in a delicate orange and it’s such a peaceful color to briefly see before falling asleep, head tucked into Steve’s chest and his heartbeat thrumming gently with your breath. 

     It’s a wonder what a night’s sleep can do. Steve’s wounds are sealed and his fever is gone, but there’s a signature left behind. A pink and white patch of skin as tender as a newborn’s, a memory. Steve pours your coffee and his tea while you trace your fingers over it.

Two hours after eating a small breakfast and securing the perimeter, a soft ding startles you from the random book you’re reading. Steve’s phone shines with a message from Sam. It simply reads: ‘Clear’. Grabbing the phone and walking out onto the porch, you find Steve sitting on one of the steps he tripped over just yesterday. He’s sketching the sky and the trees, taking his time on the lines of the branches, the strokes of the leaves, and the frost over them. He looks up, studies his surroundings, and looks back down to add a detail he previously missed. He sniffs, rubs his nose, and finally notices you leaning against the doorframe. 

“Hey,” he says, soft. “Any news?”

You hold up his phone and nod. “Sam says we’re clear to fly in.”

Steve looks back to his drawing. You hesitate before speaking, knowing damn well an all clear means get your ass back as soon as possible. “Finish your drawing. I’ll pack whatever we need to.” Steve’s mouth parts but he shuts it just as quickly. Slowly, he nods. 

     There isn’t much to pack since you brought nothing but the clothes on your backs. Everything at the hotel was collected before the wedding and should have flown back with Scott and the others. It feels awkward stealing bottled water and processed foods to hoard on the quinjet, but it’s a necessity. Steve meets you at the quinjet doors, shows you his drawing, and volunteers to take the wheel. 

“You’re not volunteering. You’re ordering.”

Steve rolls his eyes, “No license, no drive.”

“What are you? A cop?”

“Don’t think for one second I won’t actually hand the wheels over and happily crash while screaming ‘I told you so’.” 

Steve steers for the duration of your flight. The next few hours are spent just enjoying each other’s company, speaking of all things and simply catching up. It’s amazing how much you two missed from one another’s lives those two years.

      The landing base is clear and it’s Sam who’s waiting for you as the Quinjet manually lands itself. He shoots you a gap-toothed smile and extends his arms, pulling the two of you in at the same time for a strong hug. He’s talking a mile a minute about how successful the mission was, how Fury is over the moon that it’s finally over, how the DEA is thinking of congratulating everyone one by one. It’s enough to distract Steve, who’s just happy to see his best friend again, but it isn’t enough for you. The large metal doors sealing the storage facility from the rest of the compound are thrown open. Bucky stumbles through and practically sprints over to the three of you. 

“Get back on the jet,” he orders, already pulling you by the arm. You all look at one another like he’s gone mad but that’s impossible. Bucky’s paranoia isn’t something to take lightly; he’s right nine out of ten times. 

“Buck, what-?”

“Rhodes couldn’t hold them. They have warrants, Steve.”

Steve hauls Sam onto the jet as well. “Warrants for who?”

“Get down from the jet without a fight and this will all go smoothly.”

There are about twenty uniformed officers surrounding the jet. They spread out in case anyone decides to run but it seems pointless to even try. Secretary Ross points his gun directly at you, proud and tall and looking just the same as you remember him. Last time you saw him was at Tony’s funeral. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” you bite, and raise your hands in cooperation. Ross shakes his head and his expression contorts into one of disgust. There are red beams coming from each gun but your friends are clean - the beams are only pointed at you.

“Agent Y/N Y/LN, you’re under arrest for multiple charges of drug smuggling, trafficking of illegal goods, the murder of Ernesto Vega and Daniel Seda, aiding and abetting drug-lord Omar Ramirez, and for conspiracy against the United States of America. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a federal court of law...”

You drone out half way through. Ross finishes up the speech but no one is listening. Sam is already yelling over your Miranda Rights and Bucky’s frozen in place. Steve’s fighting his way through to Ross, pushing through the muscle until he’s face to face with him. But Ross isn’t fazed. There’s nothing left to do but exit the jet. 

Immediately there are handcuffs slapped to your wrists. Two men drag you over to the containment car that’s enforced with so much indestructible material it’s almost insulting. You weren’t enhanced - they were doing this for fun.

“You’ve got it all wrong! Y/N! Y/N!”

You don’t fight. Conspiracy… you’re surprised they didn’t just shoot you dead. Steve’s still yelling, begging to be heard, but you try to block him out. It’s not your first time being arrested but it is your first time being charged with something you didn’t do. As funny as that sounds, it’s terrifying. 

“Steve,” you say, and Steve breaks through some more hired muscle so he’s within earshot. “It’s okay.”

His face pulls up in pain, “No, you didn’t do this! They’re not listening!”

One of the officers pushes your head down roughly and tries to shove you in the backseat. You’re still looking at Steve. And those eyes, wounded and vulnerable, haunt him even after the door shuts and the car drives away.

     There’s a privilege attached to the mantle of Captain America. Perhaps he was too blind to see it during the war or just too proud he was finally being heard and respected, but now he sees it for what it really is. It’s a mantle this country has never truly associated with the person but with the purpose. Steve was manufactured to help protect this country under government orders and when he defied that purpose, he disgraced the mantle. Seems like some people idolize the role a little too much. 

But he’s still Captain America. This reality has continued to clear his name from stunts he pulls and laws he breaks. And once Steve is able to walk away without so much as a scratch, he leaves bodies behind.

Sharon. Sam. Bucky. Wanda. And now you. All people who fought his fight and weren’t granted the quick privilege of that perceived pureness and holiness. He was always ready for combat, he was built for it, but he didn’t really want it. 

Did he?

Ripping that star off his chest was one thing. Accepting his new shield cemented his continual legacy as the Star-Spangled Man. He deserved to be in that cell with you. But if he learned anything about how the world works, it’s that cruelty doesn’t just win in the movies. All of his enemies started out friends and if he had to bet, he’d bet the reason they’re labeled as such is partially because of him. 

So he sits and listens to everyone’s ideas and plans, vetoing and dismissing one right after the other, his mind doing jumping jacks. He’s both there and not, drowning in the fact that he made it home and you didn’t. He doesn’t know how to sleep without the sound of your snoring anymore. 

He sits and listens. 

    The cell isn’t one you would expect for someone who has been charged for betraying her country. It’s modestly furnished: a black cot in the far right corner with a mini table beside it, a desk with some paper, and a door that leads to the private bathroom. All in all, the room’s size is that of a child’s bedroom; there’s no actual pens and pencils for risk of violent behavior and there’s a bulb camera that moves when you move. 

You’ve been trapped in worse. 

Countless detectives and investigators have visited already. They all ask the same questions: Why did you do it? Did Captain Rogers know? Who are you, really? 

You give the same answers: I didn’t do it. Of course, every single person knows. Who do you think I am?

Every time they leave more discouraged than the one before them, refusing to compare notes with one another in case they were in possession of gold. They all ignore you when you try to ask for Steve and his wellbeing. Their faces contort, they whisper to their partners, and they shake their heads in disappointment. One even goes as far as to threaten you, warning you to keep Captain Roger’s name out of your wetback mouth or else, until he’s escorted from the cell. Not that it really matters - the manipulated ideals of these people will always blur their search for the truth. And when the truth fails to satisfy such greedy manipulations, they choose to create their own.

There is one agent who peaks your interest. He offers you gum when he settles in the chair near the door. His name badge reads ‘Kavert’; it glares in the bright lights overhead and he makes no other attempt at small talk once he gets comfortable and opens his little notepad. 

That goddamn notepad, you think. Every single person before has prided themselves over it, scribbling little notes about your tone of voice, body movement, and vague answers. You never give much, Natasha had taught you better, so they always end up writing less than two bullet points before giving up. 

But Agent Kavert surprises you by opening up to a blank page, spitting his chewed gum in the middle, and then he shuts it closed. He offers you a real smile, one that doesn’t look practiced or forced. It lets you study him without being so guarded or uncomfortable. He seems young, not really a rookie but it’s obvious he’s spent more time behind a desk than out in the field. His dark hair is short, sprinkled grays near his temples, and his attire screams upper level. His build is lean, his gun is in the holster on his right hip, and a part of you knows he’d put up a hell of a fight if you tried to escape. 

“I was gonna comment on what lovely weather we’re having, but I don’t think you get out much.” 

You’re startled into a real laugh. Satisfaction washes over his face. 

“I think you’re wasting your time, Agent Kavert.”

He grins and moves to proudly pull at his jacket and present his badge. He sets the notebook to the side and leans forward to cup his hands together on his knees. 

You squint at him. There’s nothing interesting about you right now: back against the wall as you sit criss-crossed on the cot, sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, hair brushed but a little greasy. Your last shower was two days ago and you figure they’ll let you have one tonight. 

“Yeah, you’re right. There’s no point in hoping you’ll tell me anything you haven’t shared yet.”

“Nope.”

He hums low in his throat and tilts his head to the left. Now, he squints at you. “I just don’t get it. How did you do it? Not show up on our radar, I mean?”

It doesn’t seem like he’s calling you guilty or innocent. Already he’s one-hundred percent different from the other agents. “I wasn’t exactly hiding.”

He sits up to lean back in the chair, “Different last name, government and Avenger protection, covering your tracks so carefully even the DEA missed you.”

“You’ve done your homework.”

“Yes, but,” he starts. He acts like he’s having a normal conversation on his front porch. “It still doesn’t make sense. How could Nick Fury miss this? Tony Stark? After the whole Obadiah situation, I expected him to-”

“It’s simple, really. Do you want to know or do you want to keep making assumptions?”

He’s watched the other agents leave by this point. Some couldn’t even make you talk. So he shuts up and waves his hand for you to continue. 

“Cool,” you breathe out. “First of all, I’m literally only telling you this because I’ve already been refused a lawyer or some crap like that and I highly doubt this is going to actual court. The publicity would be horrible.” 

He bites his lip but you catch the little smile forming. You continue, “And I have nothing to hide. I’m sure my Captain, my teammates, and Fury himself have given their sides. Am I right?”

Agent Kavert adjusts himself in the seat and nods in response. He doesn’t dare interrupt you now. 

“Good, then I’ll keep it sweet. They knew who I was. I was recruited to be an inside source, a double agent, and this wedding was the perfect chance to corner those men,” you declare, turning your hands palm up and shrugging your shoulders. “There, happy?”

“Double agent.” Agent Kavert chews over the words, rolling them around on his tongue a few more times. He’s squinting harder and you can see his brain working. The next sound to leave his lips is a heavy sigh and a feeling of immense irritation washes over you. It wasn’t enough.  “Are we going to be truthful yet, Agent?”

Chuckling lightly, you rest the back of your skull on the wall. It was wrong to assume he’d be any different from the others. “Of course you don’t believe me. You want more, they all do. I don’t suppose I have anything better to do.”

He claps his hands on his thighs and leans forward again, loud and restless. “Then let’s get started, really: Did you or did you not let Omar Ramirez, Mexican drug-lord involved with Ernesto Vega, your father... imagine that, run away from a crime scene, evade arrest, and possibly leave the country?”

“You expect me to follow all those questions?”

“It’s not the time to be funny.”

“You were enjoying it just a second ago,” you mumble. He raises his eyebrows, still waiting for an answer.  “Then let me put it simply: no, I did not.”

“Did you or did you not assassinate Ernesto Vega?”

“I would have remembered such a brilliant kill if it came from my gun.”

“So that’s a no… Daniel Seda?”

“His gun was pointed at my Captain. Yes.”

“Against orders, then?”

Confusion is written all over your face and you make sure the camera knows it too. There are only so many times you can repeat yourself. “Don’t you have Steve’s report? Scott’s?”

“We have to hear the story from you, Agent.”

“But that’s just the thing, isn’t it? You don’t believe me.”

He shrugs and quickly scans you up and down. Even if he doesn’t have the tangible notepad in his hands, he’s getting away with making mental notes. “The story just isn’t piecing together the way it should be. Why would Daniel Seda murder his greatest ally and friend?”

“Our mics have already transcribed that answer for you, sir. I’m sure of it. And I’ve got sources outside of the DEA and Avengers-”

“Like Maribel Rodrigo? Another smuggler who has operated inside the cartel, HYDRA, Madripoor…”

You cut him off, angry. “Not the full story.” 

Tone of voice: defensive.

“Then that leads me to my next question.”

“Oh, fun.”

Tone of voice: sarcastic.

He speaks with a tinge of astonishment hidden in every syllable. “Why didn’t you do it? Kill Ernesto, I mean.”

“I was disarmed at the time. The Captain and I both were,” you answer, growing more impatient by the second.

He uses his hands to speak now, finger pointing along an invisible timeline detailing the order of events. “So you admit you were going to kill him if you had your weapon.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth.”

Body movement: rigid.

“Or maybe you weren’t. Maybe my boss is right, maybe the FBI is right in thinking that you are a double agent leaning more towards your roots than our boys in blue.” He says this like its scripture; like it’s some holy conspiracy he’s just found evidence for. He wants you to plant words in your mouth and in this discussion so he can pluck the evidence from the ground and water it with fire.

You scoff hard, “I hardly ever wear blue when doing your job for you.”

“Was letting Omar Ramirez escape our job or just yours?”

Telling him the truth would mean losing all credibility, all titles, all trust in your work. You know what you’ve done and you don’t regret it. Ramirez was never the biggest fish and if you spun this right, then he was simply a fish who got his meal and promptly swam away. “You assume I let him go. What evidence tells you that?”

He ignores the question and instead asks another of his. “Why were your relations kept hidden from SHIELD and the FBI?”

“That’s a question for you know who.”

He shakes his head in disappointment. “You’re in a lot of trouble.”

“I bet I am. But this is not some precinct where you can get my team to turn on me so easily. And this is not a situation in which they’re lying for me. I trust that whatever the Captain has said is the answer to all your questions.”

“We’re gonna unravel this case. We’ll get to the bottom of it.”

You’re suddenly overcome with a wave of sleepiness. These past two weeks have been exhausting even if you haven’t moved more than five feet from wall to wall. Having to repeat yourself to people who have already written the story for themselves is tiring. “I don’t know why you guys can’t just believe the words of myself and everyone vouching for me. We got you all the evidence. We have given you more names and connections that you’ll ever know what to do with. You don’t need to unravel anything; it’s all there! But because we weren’t able to arrest the one person you wanted, that being Ernesto, you go after me. You have White but I guess he’s not talking. And you’ll believe what you want to believe.”

“I trust my gut.”

“As simple as that, huh?” You sigh deeply and cross your arms over your chest. “You know, there’s a saying the late Agent Carter used to tell all SHIELD agents when they first started out and when they came back from missions. When she retired, it was Fury who then eased our minds.” 

Agent Kavert has a harsh line creasing through the middle of his forehead and he looks deeply interested. 

“There are three sides to every story,” you recite. “Your side, my side, and the truth.” A gentle shrug of the shoulders feels like all you’re allowed to give him. “I’m not lying to you but I’m not telling you the full truth either. Just my side.”

Agent Kavert shuts his eyes and bounces his left leg. He looks conflicted and unable to formulate a response at all. He’s shaking like he’s at war with himself or with the suits on the other side of the door, but no one has come knocking yet. “Let’s say I believe you. Just for a second.”

You nod. 

“Daniel Seda murders Vega at his own daughter’s wedding. We managed to catch Marcus White and because of fault entirely, Omar Ramirez gets away. Because from what I heard, Ramirez was working with you.” He paints the picture rather mundane, but you shoot him a smile that tells him he’s on the right track. “And you and all the other Avengers were blindsided by Ramirez. You gathered all the evidence you were told to gather, worked together and played your cards right, infiltrated one of the most secure estates in the country, and fucked up so badly that you managed to let two of your biggest giants die?”

“I really think you got it spot on.”

He laughs dryly, “But it still doesn’t make sense. Once Vega was gone and Seda survived, where would you have fallen in this tree?”

He wants to retract his question the moment he sees your face fall with such a sincerity he wasn’t ready for. “That’s just it, Agent Kavert. I would have fallen.”

“And the other two? How would business work? Would Daniel Seda have been the head of it now?”

“Your answers are in the evidence we gathered. I know you guys aren’t touching it because you think I’m compromised.”

He stands from the chair and dusts off his jacket. “Your side, my side, and the truth,” he repeats. He goes to open the door but you speak quickly before he can leave. 

“They think I infiltrated SHIELD, the Avengers, and am in bed with HYDRA because they’ve been helping Ernesto’s vision all along.” Agent Kavert stops and turns back to you. “I am a double agent whose identity was kept secret to aid this country and not raise suspicions from your part. I have seen a lot of things, have done things I’m not proud of, but I’ve done it all for a reason.”

Agent Kavert looks almost ashamed. Tone of voice: sincere.

“Me and my Captain saved lives, our own as well, and we stopped three of the most notorious drug-lords who have been at large since the eighties. We got your giants for you. And the truth is, I have discovered: through all my pain and experience... that it’s excellent to have a giant’s strength; but it is tyrannous to use it like a giant.”

Agent Kavert doesn’t know if you’re talking about Ernesto, the U.S Government, yourself, or him. His eyebrows pinch together and he slowly moves to leave the room.

    It’s another week before you’re visited by someone who isn’t bringing you food or extra toilet paper. You’re picking at your cuticles when the vents above your cell begin rattling with the obvious weight of a human being. You sit dumbly on the bed, straining your ears and trying hard not to laugh as each rattle is returned with a muffled curse. The vent on the ceiling right outside your cell drops to the concrete floor. 

Ernesto’s men wouldn’t go through all that trouble to kill you James Bond style. They would have just bribed a guard. So it’s a treat when the door swings open quickly and in comes a staggering Clint, keys in one hand and his phone in the other. The screen is illuminated, showcasing what looks to be blueprints. He’s got a bandaid over his left eyebrow and dust all over his clothes.

Your upper lip twitches into a silly smile. “You’re ridiculous if you thought you wouldn’t be heard in those damn vents.”

Clint makes a noise that sounds like he’s saying ‘maaaf’ and he plops down beside you on the cot. It’s absolutely hilarious he traveled in the vents and that the team approved this when in reality, they could have just sent Scott. “Just had to get past the first line of security. Plus, the blueprints said they were wider... I figure we’ve got a good three minutes before they check the cameras.”

It’s not the first time you sit in a cell with a time crunch. 

     The Raft is nothing special. They have you all separated by rank, meaning you were in the same vicinity as Clint, Sam, and Scott. Wanda was moved to a more secure location and you haven’t seen her since they brought you in. 

There isn’t much to do in a place like this. You tried counting how many strands of hair you had but gave up once you counted two hundred; you tried seeing if the others could hear you when you yelled out to them but the cells were soundproof; you even tried filing your nails against the uneven paint on the wall. It’s like they made life in these cells purposefully horrible - like you didn’t save the world a couple times over, c’mon. 

The camera fidgets over your head where you’re laying down and after a few seconds, it stops. The red light slowly fades and turns a bright yellow. You move to stand on the bed and reach for it, but a voice startles you from doing so. 

“Don’t mess with my magic!”

You topple over the single pillow you were given and fall flat on the bed, scrambling to shield yourself from whoever intruded. “Jesus!”

“Oh, I met him. Strange lad, didn’t deserve what happened to him.”

There’s a moment where you think you must be dreaming. His hair is longer and hits his shoulders and he’s added some blue and yellow to his usual attire. But other than that, he’s alive. Truly, brilliantly, really alive. 

“Loki, what the fuck?”

“Right!” Loki claps his hands and extends them outwards, smiling.  “Ta-da!”

A few beats pass. You blink a few times just in case you’re hallucinating. Barely a week in containment… 

“I’m sorry… I’m still trying to process the fact that you’re still alive!”

He scoffs low and goes to sit at the edge of the bed. “A God never truly dies, darling.”

“Well in Greek mythology-”

“Greek mythology and I have this unsettled beef that’s been going on for about five hundred years. Do not mention Greek mythology to me.”

“Excuse me, right, I should have known that was a sensitive topic.”

Loki swipes his tongue over his bottom lip and expels a laugh. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

Your restraint is gone and you lunge forward to envelope him in the tightest hug you’ve ever given anyone. He returns it, sighing into your shoulder and holding you close. You pull away just to stare at him, watching his features as they move ever so slightly. It’s really him. 

“I-” Loki tries but stutters. He’s studying you too and he almost looks sad. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“Does Thor know?” Loki shakes his head at your question and winces when you smack his shoulder. “Loki, Thor has been grieving you for months!”

“I’m planning on it!” You don’t believe him. He goes to rub his shoulder. “Gods, I forgot you had excellent aim.”

You look back at the camera and find that the yellow light is still glowing, dim. Loki’s magic is blocking footage out or putting footage in, you really don’t know. But it’s allowing you a few moments with the man you thought you’d never see again. “Spontaneous reincarnation aside, what are you doing here? How did you even know I was here?”

“I’m on this planet for five-FIVE minutes, and the television has all these reports about you and everyone fighting each other?”

“Mm, right, right.”

Loki stares at you, amused. “... Care to explain?”

Your face contorts into a hundred different expressions until you finally settle on one of gentle guilt. “The person we were after was a friend of a friend. I made a judgement call and let him go.”

“You went against orders?”

“I went against the law.”

“Even better.”

With an eyebrow cocked, you give him a judging look. “Loki.”

His eyes crinkle from the intensity of his smile and you’ve missed him, you missed him so much. “That’s what I love about you. Barely starting out as an Avenger and you’re already realizing you can do more good in your own way.”

You groan quietly and rest your head on his shoulder. He wraps his arm around your waist and tugs you closer. “I mainly did it for Steve. Wasn’t like it was a big ‘fuck you’ to one-hundred and seventeen nations for the hell of it.”

“Do you regret it?”

“No.”

“Spoken like a true anti-hero.”

“You comparing me to yourself?”

Loki chuckles and runs his fingers through the strands of hair closest to your cheek. “Darling, I’m a God. No one comes close.” He sighs, serious again. “All I’m saying is that it’s refreshing to see the young break the rules.”

“I missed you,” you softly say. You can feel the nudge of his cheek turning upward against your head. 

“Always nice to hear.”

Rolling your eyes, you move to meet his gaze. “So, no reason why you came to visit me specifically?”

Loki takes one cautious look at the camera, to outside your cell, and back to you. “I too do things for your lovely Captain.” His smile grows wider. 

“What?”

He winks and tilts his head over to the giant metal doors that are starting to pry open. “See you in a minute.” 

The alarms begin blazing; there is fog filling the room, and Steve emerges from that fog with a winning smirk.

     You look over at Clint, half selfishly wishing he was Loki on another one of his midnight visits, and quickly do away with the thought. “So how’s life without me?”

“Oh, it’s great! The flowers are in bloom, the kitchen isn’t always a mess, and my bow and arrow aren’t misplaced because you wanted to have some fun with it,” he jokes, stretching far enough that his feet dig into your thigh like he’s trying to make more room for himself.  

“Not like it’s your only bow and arrow.”

He chuckles and sits up. He does a once over of the room and adjusts the frequency on his hearing aid. “They read you your rights at least?”

You wait to respond until he finishes fixing it. You speak and sign the words slowly,  “I don’t think any lawyer in America will want to take this case anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s a career killer.”

Trying to refrain from smiling around Clint was nearly impossible. You look to the door quickly, “Two minutes?”

He shoots up straighter as he watches your hands, “Right! So we’re currently tracking down your sister-”

“My sister?”

“Steve thinks she’s our only hope at clearing your name.”

“Why is that? I told her to get as far away as possible.”

Clint sighs and scratches the skin just above the bandaid. “She stayed in Mexico all those years you were gone. By all accounts, Ernesto adored her. Because of that, her influence might clear your name.”

“But she stayed. All the more reason to believe she was involved as well,” you say, shaking your head.

“She’s barely out of her teens. Everything that happened, happened when she was a minor. She has a first hand account of the abuse Ernesto caused you. And Steve thinks that the Julian fellow might even come clean and admit to the arranged marriage. Shows a pattern of abuse by Ernesto to his own children. Could spin it to make it seem like you had no other choice but to follow his orders.”

You follow his hands slowly, some signs difficult to read but you latch onto the gist of his argument. You groan and lean your head back on the wall with a small thump. “They go against Ernesto and they have targets on their backs. Even my other siblings who are still involved with all of this won’t let it go.”

“Y/N… Ernesto’s dead. You know that.”

“His influence isn’t.”

There’s minimal commotion a few doors down. Clint realizes it’s time to leave. “It might never be. But we don’t get to live in the future.” He stands with another small groan and stretches as he prepares to lift himself back into the vent. “We’re living now, and it’s all any of us can do.”

“Clint?” You also stand and have to wave in his peripheral to get his attention. He turns and knows what you’re about to say even without the hand gestures. “They won’t answer me when I ask.”

His lips pull into a perceptive smile, “He’s okay. Doing what he does best - blaming himself.”

“Oh, okay, good.”

He’s had enough practice reading your lips to notice the sarcasm that drips from them. He hurries to lift himself up. “We’ve got about a million tricks up our sleeve. If Jackeline’s word or the evidence isn’t enough, we’ve always got Fury and his blackmail.”

“Yeah, half the guys who interviewed me look like they cheat on their wives, so.”

He genuinely laughs and jumps high, muttering more to himself than to you. “Up we go…”

     The team locates Jackeline just a few days after your run-in with Clint. The building saw a triple rise in security but even then it didn’t prevent undercover agents passing all the checkpoints and sliding notes with your meals. They’d leave the tray, tip their hats, and smile like they knew the cameras wouldn’t suspect a thing. 

The first note is from Bucky, with the simple message of ‘I watched a few episodes of The Crown without you… I’m sorry.’

The second comes on the same day at dinner time, this one from Wanda. ‘I think Peter is trying to flirt with your sister.’

The third isn’t slipped through with any meal, but rather through the tiny opening beneath the door. ‘Surprised we did this the legal way this time! See you soon! - Rhodey’

The final one is actually hand delivered when several guards come in to tell you you’re free to go. They’re mumbling amongst themselves, cursing the system and the privileges Avengers always get, when the smallest of the five turns to you and hands you the note. ‘I owe you one. You owe me one. Who’s counting anymore? - Joaquin’

Jackeline had been able to track down Maribel and the two of them, with such accuracy in their stories and their timelines, constructed your defense perfectly. They showed them phone records, all of the recordings from that week, had proof that you never signed a thing, and made several special deals. Jackeline promised to reveal where bodies were buried, where business was dealt with, who else was involved with Ernesto and Seda. Maribel managed to get a message to them from Ramirez, which basically cleared you from the crime they were trying to stick. Ramirez was a damn good liar, you’ll give him that, and it made you the tiniest bit sad that you’d probably never see him again. 

The tipping point was when Steve turned himself in. There was no evidence that you did anything, never signed anything, never conspired behind your teammates backs. Fury made sure not to keep a paper or electronic trail. But there was evidence that implicated Steve - the contract. No matter how badly the FBI and CIA tried to make it go away, to absolve Steve from it, he didn’t back down. It was like the story they originally wanted toppled in on itself and it was actually Steve who forced you into all of this - playing your connections and forcing your hand. The contract hadn’t been voided, still hasn’t, and they really couldn’t risk another SHIELD fiasco. So it was destroyed to protect the Stars and Stripes, and in return they promised to let you go if you didn’t tell a soul. The image you’d come to despise, that tacky red, white and blue, is starting to grow on you.

‘Let me think about that and get back to you,’ you had joked. You think they let you go sooner because they feared the truth in your joke. 

But there wasn’t anything to think about, ever, still isn’t. Steve pulled another sacrifice play and you wanted to get out as soon as possible to kick his ass. 

You leave the prison with the same clothes you had on when you entered. They smell washed and you’re thankful they allowed you to shower before you left. You ignore the looks guards and prisoners aim at you, each trying to somehow get their hits in without actually pulling their punches. This would be a media disaster either way, didn’t matter the outcome of a supposed trial, and PR was most likely struggling to prepare their defense. 

You resist the embarrassing urge to run into his arms. He’s standing right outside the gates, leaning back on the passenger side of his rusty old blue pickup, positively glowing underneath the blazing sun. You’re blinded by it, skin thanking the dangerous rays for its first touch in weeks, but it only takes a moment for your eyes to adjust. He still hasn’t shaved and his hair is getting longer, and instead of his usual tucked-in dress shirt, he’s wearing a brown leather jacket over a faded graphic tee that reads AC/DC. It was Tony’s.

You’ve only got the broken burner phone and a hair tie in your possession; it’s what was on you when you were arrested. You drop the burner in a nearby trashcan and head on over to the truck. Steve’s wide smile buckles your knees and it damn near breaks your heart. Even when the two of you weren’t on speaking terms, you still saw each other at least twice a week. Going two weeks without seeing him feels like a lifetime. 

Once you're a few feet away, you stop in front of him. There are no immediate words you know to say, so you simply shrug your shoulders and give him a look that asks ‘What now?’

“Home.”

~

TAGLIST: @dumb-ass-writer​ @justab-eautifulmess​ @supraveng​ @mycosmicparadise​ @missnighttigress​

#captainsimagines #captain america x reader #steve rogers x reader #reader x steve rogers #avengers fanfiction #avengers x reader #steve rogers fanfic #steve rogers fanfiction #marvel masterlist #marvel fanfiction #mob fanfic #reader insert #trigger warnings listed #you x steve rogers

[twistintheplot]

very random ask lol, but what do you think are the zodiac signs of the characters from three's company? 😅

Okay, you were probably just asking for their sun signs, HOWEVER I will be giving you more than that because this is something I have thought about EXTENSIVELY lmao, I’m so sorry! Also this is just for fun we love to have fun here!

Jack: virgo sun/sagittarius moon/gemini rising/leo mercury/cancer venus

okay the show gives him the same birthday as john ritter so he must be a virgo sun, but as we all know, he’s literally always getting himself into trouble. Like! he means well but he’s always screwing shit up lol! He’s also a big drama queen, a class clown, and very sensitive. The love butt tattoo he got in season 8 was for his cancer venus <3

Janet: taurus sun/aries moon/virgo rising/aries mercury/aries venus

did you know that the episode ‘Good Old Reliable Janet’ was about janet being a taurus queen with a bunch of aries placements sick of the bullshit? Because it’s true! She IS reliable (and also stubborn), and you can always count on her to help you out of a messy situation. She’s also she’s very quick to act and also has a bit of a temper (aries!!). Sometimes fixes chaotic situations with more chaos but everything always turns out okay in the end!

Chrissy: Aquarius sun/heavy water placements (most likely pisces and cancer lol)/maybe a leo placement thrown in there somewhere

The show definitely gave chrissy 2 different birthdays, and I have made the executive decision to say that the january birthday is the real one, because chrissy being born on christmas day would mean she’s a capricorn and that is simply not correct! If you watch the show, you know there isn’t a single earth placement that resides within her being. Chrissy is an air/water sign mess and that’s okay!

Cindy: Cancer sun/I can see her having air placements as well?/No fire placements tbh

sorry, i don't have much for Cindy, she wasn't there for very long but! Sweet, caring, enthusiastic. jack and janet were extremely chaotic though, i know they were stressing her out!

Terri: sagittarius sun/capricorn moon/capricorn rising/sagittarius mercury/libra venus

Okay, finally a fire sun queen. She gives me major sag/cap vibes and you should be scared! Blunt and doesn’t sugar coat things, but can also be a bit of a flirt? Very dedicated to her job. said she didn't care if jack & janet had something going on and i believe her! She just doesn't give a fuck. She’s not a dumbass but also yes she is? The biggest sagittarius behavior she ever participated in was in the series finale when she was randomly like well! anyways I’m moving to hawaii bye!

Larry: Gemini sun/leo moon/libra rising/gemini mercury/gemini venus

Do I even need to explain this one tbh? The biggest shit stirrer. Jack *usually* causes problems on accident, but Larry’s causing problems on purpose! that’s his entertainment! Lives for drama! Is all over the place when it comes to dating lmao like sit down???

Mr. Roper: okay I havent thought extensively about what his chart would be but he has BIG capricorn/earth energy okay! He’s always complaining about shit!

Mrs. Roper: aries/sagittarius/water sign combination queen tbqh!!!!

Loves a good time and genuinely cares about the kids, she’s the cool mom! Stanley better treat her right!!!

Mr. Furley: Taurus sun/cancer moon/leo rising/idk what else right now

If we remember in Cindy’s first episode, it is revealed that Mr. Furley is a taurus sun, which we can work with. He and Janet are taurus scrabble buddies, okay! He’s always worked up about something and he’s exremely sensitive, poor thing. Also obviously loves a flashy wardrobe!

.

Also if you have twitter, be sure to check out Ashlee's three's company astrology thread !!!!

Thank you and have a good day!

#i'm a leo with gemini placements can you tell #this was entirely Too Much #three's company #guess i'll tag all the characters why not #jack tripper #janet wood #chrissy snow #cindy snow #terri alden #larry dallas #mr. roper #mrs. roper #mr. furley #okay bye wow #tc

[wntersfire]

GET TO KNOW ME TAG GAME

Before I start I would just like to say (tw alcohol for now and question 19) sorry for any spelling mistakes or if I ramble a little. To cut a long fuckin story short I mis read the measurements of my shot glasses and so instead of having two cocktails I’ve had the equivalent of four in the space of an hour and a half. Being british, im not gonna let a good drink go to waste either so im onto my third/sixth now.

Tagged by @clints-lucky-arrow (an actual goddess among us mortals)

1. Why did you choose your URL?

So this reason is two-fold. One, I didn’t watch star wars growing up because I was dumb and didn’t understand the politics (it wasn’t until my boyfriend sat me down and explained it literally in January of this year that I actually got it) but I loved Sci-fi and space so the next best thing was Treasure Planet (2003 film, Available on didney+) My favourite scene is the ending when Long John Silver (spoilers) is about leave before he can be arrested and Jim confronts him. Seeing how much his character has grown, Silver says to Jim, “Look at you, glowing like a silver fire. You’re something special, Jim. You’re gonna rattle the stars, you are.” It literally makes me tear up every single time I watch it and its one of my favourite lines of all time. Second, this was actually quoted in one of my favourite book series ‘Throne of glass’ by Sarah J Maas. I adore the character of Celeana and again one of my favourite quotes from TOG is when Queen Elena says to Celeana“ You could rattle the stars. You could do anything, if only you dared.” Every time I read that line I literally get chills and I actually have plans to get this tattooed on me lmao

2. Any side blogs?

Yes my fanfic blog @second-stars-totheright (I like puns and I used to love peter pan)

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

I joined when I was 13 for the fanfiction and lurked for a very long time, just reblogging and liking things until I deleted it when I was 17. Re downloaded the app and got my account back back around February of this year (when I was 19, now 20) and since then I’ve found it much friendlier and actually interacted with people this time around, and actually started posting my work on here!

4. Do you have a queueue tag?

No. This is my general postings blog so I just kind of stick anything funny or worth keeping here, but I probably should make one!

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

As I said to read fanfiction (anyone wondering it was 5 seconds of summer fanfiction. Anyone who judges me in the comments its fair game 🥺) but I re-downloaded it this year because I noticed with my work on Wattpad, while I had some do really well (one has gotten 130k+ views) its very difficult to actually interact with readers and get feedback. I’ve only accumulated that high of a number after 5 years of it being on there, and so tumblr is just so much more personal!

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

I did it this morning as I was getting tagged in this lmao. I wanted a cartoon girl who looked like me but because I had a specific colouring (ie my hair is black with a blonde streak at the front & my eyes have both blue and green segments because I have heterochromia) I couldn’t find any that looked like me so I recoloured a cartoon girl I found on pinterest.

7. Why did you choose you header?

The white clouds fit the stars theme and it looks pretty with the purple. ✨💜

8. Whats your post with the most notes?

“That girl is a problem | Javier Pena x Agent!Reader part 1” with 105 notes on my fanfic blog.

9. How many mutuals do you have?

I am still a little tumblr idiot when it comes to this so if someone could tell me how to find out I'll edit this

10. How many followers do you have?

72 on here, 107 on my fanfic blog (AND I LOVE ALL OF YOU ACROSS BOTH OF THEM MWAH, MWAH KISSES FOR YOU ALL 💜💜💜)

11. How many people do you follow?

165 (it was 700+ but the other day I unfollowed a bunch of accounts that haven’t been active since I followed them when I was 13. There were LOTS)

12. Have you ever made a shit post?

I mean all you have to do is look at the Nomad memes I make (UNAPOLOGETICALLY I might add 😤) for @clints-lucky-arrow to know I absolutely have. That series has a hold over me im telling you. I black out when I start reading and I awake with a bunch of meme editing apps open and my feelings tugged at from her amazing writing.

13. How often do you use Tumblr each day?

If I’m with my boyfriend which is like two days a week, rarely, but now I’ve finished uni, I’m on here all the god damn time. I feel so comfy and safe interacting with you all, not to mention some of you guys are funny as hell.

14. Did you have a fight with a blog once?

Not really on here, I haven’t received any hate luckily but I prefer not to spoil how comfy I am here with arguing.

15. How do you feel about ‘you need to re-blog this’ posts?

I’m a little confused by this I dunno whether I’ve just never come across any like this or if Stars is being a bimbo on the tl again. However, I only reblog things I’d like to keep for future reference or if something deserves to be shared to everyone else like a fic rec or a piece of art. (As Mack said, I’ve re-blogged so many in the past promising me money or luck and I am still broke as shit so what does that tell you).

16. Do you like tag games?

Yes!! I love reading everyone elses and getting to know my mutals better!

17. Do you like ask games?

Again yesss because it means I get to send love to my mutuals and get to know them better! I tend to not participate though just read their responses because I sometimes feel like I’m bugging people clogging their inboxes even though I know that’s the point idk I’m a hell of an over thinker sometimes 🥳

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

It’s been said before but @clints-lucky-arrow (wow you rlly owning this post bby girl) but I just remember lurking on Nomad early February and liking and reblogging her chapters so I could keep them to re-read cause that’s how much I instantly loved it and when she followed me I realised who she was and lowkey had a starstruck moment bcus id been ciaght up in her work for weeks and too nervous to make contact. Also @arduadastra, I saw her work all over the pedro tags for so long and now I’ve gotten to know her she is the sweetest girl!! We usually fan over Javier Pena gifs together, she’s solely responsible for ‘That girl is a problem’ bcus of her gif sending at 1am giving me Javi thots and now it’s my most successful one on my blog. And most recently @pedrosgirlx followed me this morning and her work is genuinely some of the best I've seen on here, as I said this morning it is the Sistine Chapel ceiling of Mando art it is actually jaw dropping!! I cant believe all these creators are rlly giving us this content for free and yet being so talented AND the nicest people I’ve ever met!!

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

No, although I hold a lot of them dearly as friends. 15/10 would treat you lovelies to a drink of your choice if we ever met (any of you from the uk who drink I’d get you a pitcher from Whetherspoons)

20. Absolutely no pressure tags:

anyone who wants to join! a lot of people I would have tagged have already posted theirs so go for it if you like the look of it!

[phoebehalliwell]

ok but let's discuss astrology. like i just made girls natal charts and got a thought. what rising sign would you give to each sister? (lmao their charts like literally witchy and kinda strange, like prue is a scorpio sun and aquarius moon, piper's a leo sun and sag moon, phoebe's a scorpio sun and libra moon, and paige is a leo sun and pisces moon. like... these are very strange. but funny)

!! okay. so. so like many moons ago i started a charmed astrology series that i literally never finished but hey maybe i should finish that where i like. did the girls whole charts. mainly based off vibes i kept the generational signs and the sun signs

which sidebar that ik is gonna be a long enough rant to warrant it's own paragraph but i'm a diehard piper capricorn truther because like in canon we are given not one not two but three whole pieces of conflicting evidence for piper's birthday first being the family tree placing her as a leo in s2 next phoebe's line decreeing her a gemini in s3 and then 3) a whole ass birthday episode in s6 set in january, placing her as either a capricorn or an aquarius. (which, it has been argued. could potentially be in july/august or may/june But. given the timeline with chris's birth take into account and also relativity to wyatt's birthday which is canonically in february. it's p solidly january in my opinion.) anyways so not only am i a capricorn truther because i think it is the best sign for her like everything about her to me reads very strongly earth sign like shure u could argue leo i can see it gemini is really reaching imo i really. i do not see her as a gemini. But. not only am i a capricorn truther because she's a capricorn, i am also a capricorn truther because given the three pieces of evidence, which was the most canon weight: a prop, a quip, or an episode. right??? like. like if we accept the family tree as canon there are literally so many errors there stuff that simply is not canon it was just made by some guy in props prue's birth year is wrong given her past life's death year, grams not only has like a brother like 20 years her jr i'm p sure it also implies she gave birth to patty at age 13 like there is So Much fucked up in that tree (and they never even put paige on there!!!!!!!!!!)

anyways. piper=capricorn. i also did moon sign off vibes just because i prefer it that way but ig these are like. their canon moon signs. given the day/year. i do really like aquarius for prue i love pisces for paige because i feel like it leans into that artist side and really like um. like the fact i think paige really doesn't lean into her moon sign that much i think like you know that whole well of emotions i think it can be very debilitating for her if that gets opened (like what we saw in a paige from the past) so i think kind of her bursts of creativity and her like. she kind of has this sort of bleeding heart when it comes to looking out for people she barely knows i think that really is her moon sign scratching its way to the surface because i really don't think paige like again i don't think she leans into it that much she's not someone who leads with her emotions. for phoebe's libra moon i'm literally just like advice columnist. yeah. if i'm still on my piper capricorn tilt i think the bday i gave her was the 13th, so her moon sign would be taurus. which i also like for her. like her being possessed by gluttony and also her speech to the elders in early s3 in once upon a time where she demands leo back? yeah.

but!! rising signs. starting with prue i think she'd probably have an fire rising sign just given like. like her energy. like in school she was head cheerleader we see constantly throughout the show like her first impressions kick your ass like everyone knows they're looking at a fierce spirit when they first meet her. i would say the ram i'd say prue aries rising. for piper i'm saying cancer rising. to level with you i'm not even considering the other ones she just feels so cancer rising like in high school she was nobody in almost every situation in the early seasons (and honestly sometimes beyond that) people just look at her and go oh. housewife. doormat. i can walk all over her (both douchebag bosses at quake, the like. homeowners association meeting in the s3 episode where the triquetra breaks. the high school reunion ep). but on the more positive side her and leo's early relationship and the really shy dance around each other a sweet puppy love or even why tyler the firestarter first showed up in the house it was piper who was able to put him at ease i'm saying cancer rising. next up on the docket is phoebe who i am going to give a leo rising just because she does always seem to have this (occasionally unwarranted) confidence like she turns heads when she enters a room she has this power this chutzpah that i think only gets further driven up in shallow situations (like what we say with clay her ex-flame from new york i mean, you barely had a spare minute in new york, three jobs just to afford your social calendar type shit) like i think she. yeah. i think she's a leo rising. paige i think i'm gonna give an aquarius rising to paige just because like yes the whole "humanitarian" aspect of the aquarius sign which like. like to level with you. think of all the aquarians you know. humanitarian? how many people would you genuinely describe as humanitarian maybe i just personally have beef with like. aquarian men. just like. in general. but humanitarian? really? it's mainly just guys sucking themselves off to their own ideas about how the world works and assuming that every single other person is like them and that's why society is the way it is and blah blah blah blah i'm sorry this was in college it's a small sample size ik i try not to hate all aquarians. but humanitarian? anyways tho i think if someone were to like actually read humanitarian i think paige is def a candidate but i think what really sells her on the aquarius rising for me is the fact that i think she is really difficult to get a read on (which is another trait i associate w aquarians due to their lack of emotions, as we all know. i'm sorry i'm really gonna hafta go back and find the aquarian who hurt me bc i feel like this is running strangely deep. but i also feel like i'm right so.) but i think paige is like. like, if we look back on almost all of her first introductions (first meeting the sisters, kind of first interactions with leo, first interactions with richard, first interactions with kyle), like. there is something detached there, but like, slightly underneath, this strong desire to help. yeah. <3

#charmed #prue halliwell #piper halliwell #phoebe halliwell #paige matthews #astrology #anyways if you're an aquarius man i'm so sorry this isn't about you specifically (unless it is) #💌 #and obvi these all stem from my opinions on the signs yes like this is my lil like. legal disclaimer. #but also i'm rite <3

[feelingofcontent]

DNP Rewatch: SERIOUS BUSINESS

Date video was published: 02/27/2010 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 61

This is the longest video of this re-watch so far! (Also LMAO at the video description: “sorry for the 4 week gap! (fail) THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN ever.” 🤣🤣🤣)

For some reason, Dan looks slightly older/more like his current self in this video to me, than in the previous ones. Maybe his hair is styled a bit differently?

0:10 - camera quality is so much better!! and the audio too!

0:19 - Dan has really big eyes too

0:23 - “left my weekend job” I think he got fired from Asda around that point, right? But he doesn’t talk about that until a couple years later.

0:29 - “get birthday presents” in January, for Phil, obviously 🥺

0:38 - you can almost tell from his expression in this one frame how much he did not actually enjoy that work experience

1:20 - he looks so dressed up-ish and with the coffee and everything. awww.

1:31 - lol at this coffee tutorial insert

2:17 - I desperately want to know what these business people thought of him walking around with a camera all day if they noticed. I don’t think he was very subtle, haha

2:39 - scripting his New Years Resolution Fail video, apparently?! Seems like he has an actual full script

2:44 - fringe check!

3:36 - you can tell he knows the law degree is a bad idea but he still tries to do it anyway. poor Dan. 😕

3:54 - second channel talk! Also, he’s done the “:D” at the start of the text like he does when he signs things!

4:09 - “Phil spitting into a sink”...I don’t remember this clip at all! lol at the contrast with what he said right before this, but also awwww at them just filming each other randomly all the time. 🥺 (Also, the “FIT.” text on screen...what.)

4:20 - and a shower clip. The end of this video is something else.

4:44 - ah, no wonder the background looks so bright and nice. Didn’t realize he filmed most of this while he was in India.

4:57 - we did not get an India vlog 😢

soft smile!

5:11 - blowing kisses too. awww

This video took Dan a long time to edit, according to his Twitter. Thinking Phil probably helped him a bit when he was up north a few days ahead of this one being posted. 😊

I like this one a lot! Soft young Dan is adorable.

#dan and phil #dnp #dnpRewatch #daniel howell #danisnotonfire #dan howell #daniel howell videos #SERIOUS BUSINESS

[trulymadlysydney]

I would totally be down for a full run down of your flight attendant applications/training/experience on the job info. Like all of it, top to bottom! Anything you give us is always appreciated Syd! I love the insight from someone I “know” lol

OH MANN okay! I'll definitely do that, but I'm gonna put it under a cut because I know it's going to be SO SO SO long lol

SO.

I applied for several different airlines over the course of like, two... two and a half years? The interview process is kind of the same for every airline, obviously things are different here and there but ultimately its the same. You start with the online application, usually you go on to a video interview, then you go to a face to face interview. Some airlines will fly you out for the face to face interview, others won't. I also did one that was like, an open group interview where you just kinda... showed up haha. I was told no by a lot of airlines, and I made it all the way to the face to face interview with one airline in March of 2019 that I was so positive was it for me, and after I was told no, I was literally ready to give up.

I applied for my current airline in August 2019. About two, maybe three weeks later I got invited to do the video interview, which was basically where I had to film myself answering a few questions. I was only given a certain amount of time to answer the questions, and I couldn't retake the video. (I was actually certain I bombed this part because at one point I blanked, and at another point my phone started ringing mid video jfkldjf). A few weeks later, I got invited to a face to face interview and I was given a list of dates/locations to pick from. My airline did not provide a ticket to my interview though, I had to pay my way there.

I didn't go to my face to face interview until November 2019 and that was when I was 100% positive that this airline was going to be the perfect fit for me, because never in my life had I gone to a better, easier interview. There was a portion where they just talked to us about the job, then there was a group activity where we were given a scenario and had to figure out how to handle it as a "Crew." There was a reach test to see how high we could reach, and there was a "PA test" where we were given the PA script that you read during boarding (the whole "please place your smaller bags underneath the seat in front of you" thing). Then at the end, we were each called in for an individual interview with two people in charge of hiring.

I found out the next day before I even left the airport that I got what they call a CJO-- or conditional job offer-- meaning I was invited to come to training. My training wasn't until February 2020, and it was about five weeks long at our training center. It was a lot more difficult than I think a lot of people expected it to be. It's a little bit different with every airline, obviously, but at mine we were given two different kinds of tests-- a Motor Skills test (showing we knew how to open and close doors, evacuation commands, how to put out a fire, stuff like that) and a Knowledge test (a test on the computer). We had to pass each one with an 80% or above. You had two retakes total-- so if you failed one, you got to retake it the next day. If you failed that, you were done. If you passed the retake, you were fine BUT you only had one more retake left for the entire rest of training. (I actually failed one test with a 78% and it was the fucking worst day of my life. I literally bawled through all of my classes that day. The instructors were like "Sydney..... you're fine...... holy shit" f;lkadfkj because I was so terrified but obviously it worked out just fine because I passed my retake and I never failed another one)

I graduated training in March 2020 exactly a week before the entire world shut down LMAO. I was based where Paige lives, and when I got to base Paige took me out to dinner to celebrate and got a notification MID MEAL that the city was going into lockdown lol we were like ??? uhhh????

Obviously last year was... wild kd;flsdjdfj;s like I don't think I got the FULL experience of being a flight attendant until deadass probably January of this year. Last year I was working flights that had a total of four passengers on board. (Literally. It was a flight from New York to Seattle with FOUR people on board.). Now I'm having to deal with full, oversold flights which is a whole new challenge haha.

But seriously, I'm so happy with the job. It really has its bad days, and I'm not saying it's like ALL sunshine and rainbows because obviously no job ever is. Especially right now, the industry is really hurting across the board, regardless of what airline it is, due to being understaffed and overworked. BUT the good, most of the time, outweighs the bad, and I'm SO happy with this job-- more than any other job I've ever had in my life.

Im sorry this was like, a whole ass novel aflkdjf;l but I love talking about this stuff so if you have any other like, specific questions I can do my best to answer!!!

#flight attendant tings

[hoodharlow]

Wildflower: Chapter 1 [PR!Cal]

Prologue found here

AN: First of all this is dedicated to the anon that sent me the whole Twitch stream. ILYSM. Second fatass shout out to @d-oaks​ for always reading and editing these messes ilysm.

Warnings: brief mentions of drug use towards the end

Word Count: 3.8k

“‘llo?” Calum answered his phone groggily. He had passed out the minute he climbed on to bed with Duke. 

“Ash asked you for one fucking thing. Be nice to Alexis, and what do you do? Fucking yell at her in a parking lot.” Luke’s voice boomed on the other side. 

Duke climbed on Calum’s chest. With his front paws he nudged him because he needed to go.

“Did she fucking tell you that?” Calum rubbed his face as he led Duke out to his yard to do his business.

“No, it’s all over fucking Twitter. God, Cal we don’t need this. Look, we got a meeting with the label at nine. I’ll leave ya to it.” With that Luke hung up.

Calum opened Twitter and there was a video of him and Alexis Ximena. The audio was just the paparazzo talking about them, but anyone with eyes could see what they were doing wasn’t talking. They were arguing. The video ended with Alexis wiping her tears as she walks back to the building. There was another video of them, but this one is of him draping his jacket over her as he leads them to the car. 

"Fuck." Calum said to himself. Most of the tweets are calling him out for being an ass. 

He dropped his phone on the couch. He went over to his kitchen and started on his daily coffee when his phone pinged. It was a Tweet from Alexis Ximena.

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

A loud knock woke Alexis Ximena. Her morning class was cancelled today. She had hoped she would be able to sleep in today after last night. 

“Mande,” she called.

“Get ready, we have a meeting at nine.” Her dad answered from the other side.

She got up after hearing his footsteps fade away, walking to her vanity to check her phone. Her stomach dropped when she saw twitter. Then she was angry. Where the fuck were the paps? She thought to herself. They always have the fortune of getting her and Calum in pretty compromising  positions. Shawn was still mad at her for the pictures from a few weeks ago in which Calum was carrying Karma, her dog. She was on her way to Paris when the pictures were released. 

Alexis Ximena started typing. “I’m fucking done with the media this morning. I was so excited to share some very exciting things, but TMZ beat me to it. A lot of y’all know I’m a huge fan of @5sos. I had the mf opportunity to be working with them on a project that’s V special to me 1/2

Y’all are so quick to start shit. That video only showed a snippet of what happened between @Calum5SOS and I. We’ve been in the studio all day working. If y’all were us, you'd be annoyed too lmao. Have a nice morning and stop hating on him 💛💛 2/2”

She turned off her phone and got ready. For some reason California decided to be 78℉ in the middle of January, so she changed into a baggy polo long sleeve and a skirt, pulling her hair into a low bun. After she finished her makeup and grabbed her converse, she picked up her backpack from the floor. 

When she got downstairs, her dad was in the living room answering some emails. She quickly filled her water bottle and grabbed a few snacks before following him to the garage. She  watched her dad press a button on the mini fridge, and then a platform lifted. It had all the keys to the cars in here. No wonder she couldn’t find shit yesterday. Alexis Ximena has been living here for almost two years, but she still keeps learning about new features in the house. 

The drive to the meeting was pretty short. She checked her phone and rolled her eyes. They were 45 minutes early. She reached inside her backpack for her journal. Panic ran through her veins after she realized it wasn’t in there. That journal was the last gift her mom gave her before she passed away, and Alexis Ximena used it specifically for her song writing. She pulled her phone out and called the studio. After a brief call, maintenance didn’t find anything other than a few used condoms from a different section where she was. 

“Do you know what the meeting is about?” Alexis Ximena asked dad after finishing the call. She sat down again next to him. Her knee bounced as she wondered where she could’ve left it.

“Damage control for the video TMZ leaked.” He replied.

“I tweeted about it when I was getting ready. We should be good no? I haven’t read anything bad since I sent that out.”

“I’m sorry for what they’re going to ask you to do, mi’ja.” He said solemnly.

She rolled her eyes at his melodramaticism. What’s the worst that can happen? 

She sat back and checked her phone. She was replying to Shawn’s message about meeting up at his place for dinner when they were called in. 

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

They had to be joking, they just had to be. They all saw that video of them about to rip each other’s throats out, so the most reasonable thing that occurred to her team and the label was to suggest they try to convince the general public that they have been dating for a while. Lucky for them, they have enough footage of them that can work in their favor.

Calum glanced over to Alexis Ximena. She looked like she had her mind elsewhere. Her eyes met his, and she looked down at the contract. 

She mumbled something to her dad. Her dad whispered back in Spanish. Whatever he said it pissed her off. Her anger was spewing out of her. From the way she was clicking her pen to her furrowed eyebrows. 

“No, this is bullshit.” Calum was the first to respond.

“I agree. I don’t want to be pictured with him.” Alexis Ximena looked over him in disgust.

“Why? Your boyfriend gonna get jealous?” He taunted. 

Alexis Ximena’s face paled and then she glared at him. 

“What boyfriend?” Her dad asked her in a low voice. She quickly responded to him in Spanish.

“Calum,” Michael warned him. 

“What? She needs the publicity.” Calum turned to Michael then he turned to Alexis Ximena. “I wouldn’t be  surprised if you’re the one that called the paps.”

“I need the publicity? I’m not who’s been teasing an album and tour dates.” Alexis Ximena snapped at him. 

Calum’s brows furrowed as he angrily glared at Alexis Ximena. 

“You know what? Why don't we all take ten and reconvene?" the PR lady smiled at Alexis Ximena and Calum. 

Alexis Ximena pushed out of her chair and walked out of the office. Her dad followed behind her.

Calum took the chance to use the restroom. After doing his business, he walked out of the bathroom. Behind the corner, he overheard Alexis Ximena and her dad argue. He stayed hidden because if he walked over, she would probably chew his head off.

"You're a fucking liar. You promised me that you weren't getting involved in my shit." He heard her say. Her voice cracked in the end, like last night.

"Mi'ja-"

"Don't fucking mi'ja me, Alejandro. I'm working my ass off on that soundtrack only for it to get used as a pawn all because some fucking security guard had the fucking nerve to call the paps that the guys were there.”

"If it makes you feel better, I got them transferred to a different place." Her dad spoke up.

"Of course you did.” She scoffed. “Might as well have gotten them fired, no? That really would have shown them.”

“Ximena—” 

“Do you know how hard it is for me? I have to work my ass off and prove myself so that  everyone realizes that I earn my shit. Then you or Amy swoop in, and it all looks like y’all were behind it." She sighed. 

"I know I fucked up as a dad, but I'm trying to fix it. All I'm asking of you is to sign. It's a shit deal, but you need to do it. If I had it my way, this wouldn't be happening." He said.

Calum heard footsteps.

"You can come out now. I can see you through the reflection of the vase." Alexis Ximena told Calum. 

He awkwardly walked over from behind the wall."Sorry, I overheard. I won't-"

"Are you going to sign it?" She asked, cutting him off.

"I kinda have to. We have an album and tour coming up." He repeated her words to her. 

"Right."

"At least they're letting us go about this more organically. They're not forcing us to go to restaurants and dry hump each other like… you know." 

She glared at him. “Let’s get this over with.” 

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

“How the fuck are you even alive? Didn’t you say your dad would have killed you if he found out about him.” Angie asked Alexis Ximena as she lifted her burger.

“I’m pretty sure he’s going to when I get home. He wasn’t about to do it in front of fifteen people, too many witnesses.” Alexis Ximena shrugged. She plucked a fry from the basket. 

After class, Alexis Ximena called Angie, asking to meet her at Umami Burger. Angie and Alexis Ximena instantly became best friends when they got casted in ‘The F It List’. They both faced a lot of criticism because their characters were white. Most of the hate was aimed at Angie because she was black and the main character. People were really mad about that. Alexis Ximena was quick to defend her and call out everyone that made racist comments to her. 

“When are you going to tell him about your situation with Calum?” Angie asked. 

“Later today. He flew down this morning because they made him come for the Grammys. I’m going over after I get Calum a present.” Alexis Ximena explained. She set her sandwich on her plate and reached over for a napkin. “What?”

“You’re getting this dude a present? What is it, a thank you gift? ‘Thank you for yelling at me in a parking lot. Here’s a present.’ You can’t be serious, Alex.” Angie rubbed her temples trying to process. It took everything in her not to call Alexis Ximena out for being a clown that let’s everyone walk all over her. 

“His birthday is on Saturday. After they’re done with their thing, which I have to go to, Luke is playing a little after party thingy in the hotel room. Since I’m his girlfriend ,I have to be there.” Alexis Ximena rolled her eyes and went back to eating. 

After lunch she took an Uber to Diesel. She loved Diesel and most of their clothes had Calum’s current aesthetic. She didn't have much trouble finding him a present. She bought him a black knitted sweater with ‘DIESEL’ across the torso. 

After  she was done, Alexis Ximena hopped on another Uber to Shawn’s condo. She was supposed to go over tonight, but Calum texted her that he had an extra ticket for Coldplay, and she better be ready at 8. She slipped on her sunglasses and covered her head with a hat she bought along with Calum's sweater.

"Hey," she greeted Shawn when he let her in.

"I thought you were coming over for dinner," he said confused.

"I was, but something happened. Uh, can we talk?" she asked. 

"Yeah, let's go to the couch."

He took her hand in his and guided them to the two person sofa. Alexis Ximena's cheeks flushed remembering some of the things they've done on that sofa, specifically her being on her knees in between his thighs. He sat down and pulled her to his chest. 

Alexis Ximena rested her head on his shoulder. She missed this. It's been over a month since they saw each other. The last time was Christmas, but Alexis Ximena had to fly to Melbourne right after for a photoshoot for Vogue Australia. 

"I saw that video of you and Calum. I can't believe he would do that to you." Shawn was the first to speak.

"It was a cleverly recorded video by the paps. All a complete misunderstanding, but his team and mine aremakingusdoapr." She quickly mumbled at the end and hid her face.

"What? I didn't hear you correctly." 

Alexis Ximena sighed, "For damage control or whatever it's called. They're making us you know, date."

"You're kidding me right?" Alexis Ximena shook her head at him. "Did you sign?"

"I had to. They basically used my soundtrack as blackmail. You know how much it means to me." She said, sadly. She played with the hem of her skirt.

"Yeah, but another movie would have come by. We know you get parts thanks to your dad." He said nonchalantly. "Shit, that came out wrong. I'm sorry"

"It's okay, I know you didn't mean it." She dismissed him.

"When's your first outing?"

"Later today. We're going to go see Coldplay, but I rather stay here with you. Can we stay like this for a bit? I miss being in your arms." 

"Yeah, Lexi." He said, pulling her closer to him. 

She cringed at the nickname. She's never liked it because it sounds a bit white to her. She's never 

told him that because she knew it would hurt his feelings, so she lets him call her that. 

A few hours passed and Alexis Ximena was on her way back home. Shawn and her spent them hanging out. A few kisses here and there but nothing too intense. In their year old relationship, they never fully had sex. There was something that always held Alexis Ximena back. She just couldn't bare her soul like that. She loves Shawn with her whole heart, but she's never felt comfortable enough to give herself to him or anyone. Luckily, Shawn is patient and never forces her to do something she's not ready for. 

Alexis Ximena thanked the Uber driver and pushed the door code so she could go into her house. She was half way up the stairs when her dad popped his head out from his home office.

“On’tabas?” He asked. Alexis Ximena almost missed the step when she turned around.

“Before you start, I have to get ready because I’m going out with Calum tonight.” She said.

Her sister squealed from wherever from the top of the stairs. “You’re going out with Calum! I frickin knew it. Ever since I saw you two flirting backstage in the Late Late Show, I was shipping. No wonder Karma loves him. I’m starting to think that he wasn’t there for Luke; he was there for you huh?” Paola gushed in excitement. Alexis Ximena looked at her dad, but he raised his hands in defeat and retreated back to his office. She plastered a fake smile and turned to her sister.

“Promise me you’re not going to say anything. It was supposed to be on the DL, but things kinda started to get out of hand. We’ve only been talking for a few months. Since we’re both not busy right now, we’re gonna see where it goes.” Alexis Ximena said. She was delivering the role of a lifetime. 

 “I’m so happy you’re happy again. After the whole mess with Shawn, I was worried you weren’t going to, you know, find love again. I’m glad it’s with Calum. He’s a really sweet guy.” Paola smiled sincerely.

Alexis Ximena vividly remembered that her sister was ready to fight Shawn when the pictures of him and Camila were released back in July. After their talk back then, Alexis Ximena promised him that she wasn’t going to tell anyone that they were still together. She couldn’t ruin his career on something like that. On top of how he was already ruining his career by being associated with a known racist. They can’t have him as a cheater. 

“Let me pick your clothes. We can’t have you looking like a mess on your first date with Calum.” Paola clapped her hands. She grabbed Alexis Ximena’s hand and pulled her to her room. 

“I’m capable of picking my own clothes. I was on that Instlye’s Top Ten Best Dressed of 2019.” Alexis Ximena tried to tell her, but she was in her own world rummaging through Alexis Ximena’s closet, secretly picking some clothes to borrow as well. 

“Yeah, you were number 3.” Paola said, glancing at her.

“Okay you try beating Zendaya and Tracee Ellis Ross.” Alexis Ximena retorted.

“You’re right,” She went back to sorting through the clothes. “Oh my god! Yes! This is perfect.” 

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

Calum scrolled through Alexis Ximena’s profile. He followed her a few months ago, occasionally liking a post here and there. He was three years deep when he saw a post from her 18th birthday. It was a video of her forearm getting wiped clean showing a wildflower bouquet. 

Then it hit him. He reached for his phone. He continued scrolling through her profile, waiting for Luke to answer him. She even posted an IGTV about her getting her tattoos covered for filming. 

“Why are you calling me? Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for your big date?” Luke laughed. 

Calum rolled his eyes. “What if we change ‘Sunflower’ to ‘Wildflower’?” He asked, ignoring Luke’s joke.

“You’re still on that? I thought you said you were okay with Sunflower. Why?” 

“I mean other than the fact that Harry literally has a song in his new album called that, Alexis Ximena has a wildflower tattoo—”

“But that—”

“Let me fucking finish.” Calum grumbled, “So I was thinking since we’re dating, I could have a song that’s quote on quote about her. What do you think?”

“I mean, yeah. Ask the rest and see if we have time to change up the song. When are we dropping the trailer?” 

“Early February along with No Shame, I think. We have Friday reserved in the studio. Maybe we could redo the song. Oh shit, we’d have to record Kill My Vibe as well, huh” 

“Oh, I forgot about that song, fuck. Okay, I’ll text Ashton and Michael. We’ll talk about it and fill you in. Let me nap and go get ready for your date.” Luke hung up. 

Calum rolled his eyes. They’re going to a concert, not to some gala or award show. The only thing he had to do was brush his teeth and slip his coat that his sister sent him as an early birthday present. 

He walked over to the fridge so he could reheat leftovers from the other day. While he waited for his food to heat up, he fed Duke and let him wander around the yard until he pooped. Calum decided to stir the pot a bit while he ate his pad Thai. 

He went into one of Alexis Ximena’s fan accounts and liked their current post. It was a video posted on her stories a few hours ago. She was pushing her hair over her shoulders and looking over her shoulder to the camera, her go-to pose, while her sister hyped her up. He locked his phone and waited for a few minutes and unliked it. Within those minutes, a screenshot of the like was getting spread through his fans’ accounts and hers. 

Around 7:50, Calum changed out of his sweats into some jeans. After making sure Duke was good for the rest of the evening, he grabbed his keys, wallet, and journal from the counter. He’s assuming that the journal is Alexis Ximena’s. It’s black leather bound with “AX” etched in gold. It exudes a rich girl that doesn’t know how to spend money, he had thought to himself when he found it. 

When he drove out his house, he spotted Alexis Ximena outside her’s. You had to be blind to not see how beautiful she is, how she carries herself with grace and humility. It’s a shame that it’s all a facade, deep down she’s just another LA girl. 

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

“Hi,” Alexis Ximena said when she climbed in his car. “Oh, here’s your jacket. If I knew we were going to meet up earlier. I would’ve given it to you then.”

“Keep it for now. When we break up, I can get it back.” He said, not even glancing to look at her. Alexis Ximena simply nodded. 

She scrolled through Instagram. Ever since Shawn’s 21st party when someone leaked a video of her and Shawn standing close to each other and talking, Shawmila accounts have dedicated their time to tagging in her posts of their faves. They could be doing more productive things like streaming  their fave’s album or buying  tickets for Camila’s tour instead of tagging her in posts because neither her album and tour isn’t doing so good. 

“Is this yours?” Calum asked her, holding up her journal. They were in Calum’s car. They still had a few minutes before the venue people could go in. 

Her eyes widened in surprise. 

“Oh my god, thank you so so so so much. I was worried I lost it. It’s the last birthday present my mom gave me before she—” 

Overdosed, shoving fentanyl down her throat only for Alexis Ximena to find her dead in a pool of vomit when she came back from an audition to Julliard. 

She cleared her throat, “When she, um, passed away.”

Calum instantly regretted what he thought about her spending her money on unnecessary things. He watched her trace the A. 

“I’m sorry for your loss. You don’t have to answer, but when did she pass away?” He asked solemnly.

“Um, a little over two years ago. It’s actually the reason why I moved down to LA with my dad. They split up when I was little, and I stayed in Oakland with her.” She explained. 

She looked over to Calum. He was processing everything she told him. Before he could ask her another question, she looked at her phone. 

“We should get going.” She unbuckled the seat belt. 

“Right.” He nodded along. He noticed how she quickly changed the subject, making it obvious that she was still not comfortable talking about her mother’s death.

“Are you a pancakes or waffles guy?” She asked him. She was a few steps ahead of him. 

“A what?” Calum gave her a confused look.

“You know how in Cloak and Dagger when Tandy and Tyrone go to that club. Tandy and Tyrone pretend to be a couple to get through.” She turned to him, pushing her hair behind her. “From the look on your face you don’t even know about Cloak and Dagger.” 

“No.” 

“Cloak and Dagger is a show. It’s so good. I’m really disappointed they cancelled it. Anyways, the pancakes and waffles reference is for hand holding. Like do you clasp your hand around, pancakes, or do you intertwine your fingers, waffles. I’m a waffles girl, which sucks because Shawn is a pancakes guys and—”

“Waffles.” Calum cut her off. The last thing he wanted to hear was her talk about Shawn.

“Okay,” She reached for Calum’s hand and intertwined his fingers with hers. “Waffles is it.”

#pr!cal #Wildflower #calum hood #calum hood series #calum hood imagine #calum hood fanfic #calum hood fanfiction #cloak and dagger #5sos #5 seconds of summer

[chaoticfroglover]

Day one of fixing my life

Let's start with a brief introduction:

Hi I'm Izen (it is not my real life name, just the one i like and think is better/fits me more than my real one). I've turned 15 years old on January 12th and I'm from Poland. I'm questioning being queer (probably genderfluid omnisexual). I'm depressed aNDD HAVE FRICKING ANIXETY. TO TOP IT OF. THANK YOU BUT DEPRESSION IS ENOUGH-

Random info about me:

1. I HAVE AWFUL MEMORY. I- i'm not even kidding. I can't remember MOST OF THE IMPORTANT STUFF THAT I SHOULD REMEMBER. IT'S FRUSTRATING.

2. I love cats, frogs, rats and snakes! I generally love animals. (Excluding dogs. THEY- THEY SCARE ME.) I also have like. 3 cats. And a snail. So that's cool?

3. I LOVE COOKING AND BAKING BUT I DON'T DO IT AS OFTEN AS I'D LIKE TO!!

4. I'm into witchcraft and i wish to get into it seriously yet i kinda can't because. I-i'm not sure if i even have a reason i just don't learn/practice as often as i want to - *laughs in pain*

5. My favorite colour is yellow (hA hA wHo wOuLd hAvE GuEsSeD?)

6. I like sewing and want to learn knitting! I have alot of hobbies/things i'm interested in yet i'm not into any of them deep enough to say i'm a part of the community? (Wait is there such thing as knitting community?)

So, since it's my first day, lets start with some most basic problems.

TO-DO LIST !

1. Clean up room.

2. Get a jar and start saving up money.

3. GET RID OF USELESS THINGS!!! A BIG PROBLEM FOR ME!!!

First things i did: got a jar for my money and put everything i have in it (other than coins). I'm gonna save up for stuff for my new room i think? Mom doesn't really work right now (she got fired due to corona :/) and we're moving in march (i think) so i can at least help her this way.

Next i started clearing out my wardrobe and getting rid of clothes i never liked/wore. I'm gonna sell some, and if they won't get sold i'll donate them to thrift stores. I buy alot of stuff in these, so it's only fair if i give something in return - there are people with worse material situation than me that don't really have the privelege to choose between buying them from store or thrifting.

IT'S SO EMPTY NOW LMAO.

While cleaning stuff i found alot of uh. Swimming suits. And i'm kinda upset - i'm not sure why though. It might be because all of them are female. Orrrrr it might be because a bottom of one of my suit got lost while i was with my dad and uh. I'm not on good terms with my dad. And i really liked the suit :'). I might try and look for a similar bottom...it'd be such a waste to get rid of the top. Also! If any of you have tips on how to dress more masculine in summer (when i can't bind myself and need to wear feminine swimsuits) i'd be glad to read 'em!

Now time to get rid of my piles of fabric i wanted to make projects with HSJDHJAHSH- There is ALOT. AND BY ALOT I MEAN ALOT. LIKE. WHOLE DRAWERS OF SCRAPS.

Also here's a pic of my cat Wifi! She's so adorable i just wanna give her paw kisses and hug her bUT I GOTTA CLEAN UP- 😭 adorable bby

I'll give more updates later because- i'm not sure how long posts can be yet :'^)

SORRY FOR ANY SPELLING MISTAKES! IF YOU FIND SOME PLEASE POINT THEM OUT! ITS TOTALLY OKAY!

That is all for now, gonna update soon!

PEACE OUT ! ✌

#cleaning #depression self care #anxiety stuff #self care #new on tumblr #teen #beginner witch #teenager #lgbtq #lgbtqia #blog post #self care blog

[madzilla84]

hi i went through your ace tag and it was rlly comforting in a way. can i ask when u knew or how to deal (if its not to invasive!) thx

Hi anon! I’m glad you liked the posts - I know I can be pretty iffy at tagging so I’ll make sure to keep everything there if I can :)

It’s not invasive at all! The answer’s very long though, lol, because it’s me, so I put it under the read more.

I talked a bit about this in my post last year with the clumsy metaphor for my II denim jacket as sexuality, so if you read that then I might be repeating myself a bit, apologies.

The very short answer is that on some level I’ve always known, and I handled it Extremely Badly lmao. Don’t do what I did. Which was mostly nothing. XD

The longer, proper answer - I knew I was in some way Different when I found myself completely bewildered by the crushes my friends developed when we became tweens/teenagers. Like a lot of queer people, I selected my Pretend Crush and dutifully put up his poster in my locker (Noah Wyle from ER; I thought he had pretty eyes). I thought everyone else was just doing it to be cool, as well, in the same sort of way everyone pretended to love [insert name of popular band here] to save face at school.

But like, we got older, and people started making out and hooking up with Real Boys at parties, and still - I felt nothing. You’re a late bloomer, many people told me. I thought maybe I could be gay, if I had no attraction to men - but then I wasn’t attracted to women, either, so couldn’t be that. So what, then, I wondered? You can’t be nothing.

OR CAN YOU??? XD

I got to university-ish age, and around that time I went online and heard the term ‘asexual’ for the first time, and stumbled across AVEN; read the definition and thought, yep, that sounds very familiar. But the problem is, finding something out about yourself doesn’t mean you accept it, or like it, or even really believe it. I wondered then if it was actually a real thing, and not something someone on the internet had made up to make themselves feel better, because there was actually something wrong with them, and thus, with me?

I came home for Christmas during my first (only. lol whoops) year of college and brought up the subject with a small group of acquaintances at a New Years party (I’d had quite a bit to drink), and the reaction was - depressingly predictable.

That’s not a thing.

I can’t imagine that.

That sounds awful.

God, no sex? I’d rather be dead.

Have you even tried it? You need to try it.

That can’t be natural.

Okay, I get it, I thought, not bringing that up again.

And, the thing was, because I wasn’t in a relationship, or dating, or looking to, it was sort of - a non-subject. I had no prying family members asking about my love life. My true friends were unfazed by whatever I did or didn’t do (and still are, they’re good eggs), so it was just - something I never had to think about. In my mind, it was just another thing about me that made me weird and an outsider and that I didn’t belong anywhere or with anyone. (All not true! But that was then.)

And unfortunately it took me about 15 years to start to properly deal with it. Yikes. Such a long time - it’s not even about missed opportunities for dating because I’m still not looking to do that, but more about - accepting that it’s a real part of me and is okay and *good* actually and not just a peculiarity to avoid thinking about at all costs. Acceptance seemed unattainable, let alone the idea of being *proud* of it? Ha! Unthinkable. The best thing to do was just to - pretend it didn’t exist. Why poke that bruise, I thought?

I was always in this weird kind of limbo with the LGBT community - like, I felt on some level like I should be there? But at the same time, I felt like an outsider. (For many of the same reasons people to this day will tell you aces/aros don’t belong. All wrong.) I got really into queer films etc as a teen, I went to gay bars with friends and joined the uni LGBT society … and felt uncomfortable almost all the time. (I know *now* that’s because I was *still* trying to be something I wasn’t and wasn’t being honest with myself or anyone else, on any level. And a lot of the club nights we went to were basically about hooking up, which is fine and all but absolutely Not what I was looking for, and made me feel even more out of place. Why don’t I want to do that? What’s wrong with me?)

But fortunately, the world is quite a different place now, and I don’t think it’s quite so bad now for younger folks because people are talking about it *so* much more; there’s so much more help and support. And I know everyone bitches about social media but it didn’t exist when I was a teenager and there are so many ace/aro people and resources to connect with now!! We’re still made fun of almost constantly *at best* and excluded a ton and erased etc etc, but it *is* getting better. Even for us older folks still figuring it out. :)

I don’t mind admitting that Dan’s video was a huge help. (Albeit a very painful one. Part of why that video was so tough for me to watch, and still is, is that some of it hit a bit too close to home, you know? I didn’t experience the bullying he did, nor the fame, but many things were deeply recognisable.) That sort of tore the scab off (bit gross, sorry), whether I liked it or not, and made me look at it properly for the first time … well, ever, really. The period of time directly after that was - very raw, for me.

The phandom really helped, too; it’s a very accepting and welcoming community and there are actually lots of ace people! Which is awesome! Maybe I *am* a real person! ;)

So many little things helped too. I met a friend for lunch in January and she got me a glass ace flag pendant as a gift; I couldn’t believe it. I’ve felt able to bring it up with a few people outside my closest friends - eg. a couple of colleagues - and was heartened by their responses. I know they didn’t 100% get it, and that’s okay, but they were interested and open to listening and that meant a lot. I went to Pride last year and had a great time, and the first person who spoke to me there asked me where I got my ace pin. :_) (I’d been once before, in 2015, and I hated it; I felt uncomfortable and disingenuous and like I didn’t belong there, and yet I knew deep down I wasn’t technically just there as an ‘ally’.) Even Dan’s little tiny offhand mention in his mermaids stream! I was like, yeah, we do exist! 

It’s all sort of had the fringe benefit of feeling happier and better about being open about it, like joining the LGBT network at work and - you know, just taking little steps. (anyone wanting to start with me that aces/aros don’t belong in LGBT spaces can catch my tiny hands) I saw an ace lanyard at Vidcon and thought ‘yay!’ rather than being uncomfortable to wear it, partly because I thought about how happy I would be to see someone else wearing one.

I don’t know what the rest of this ‘journey’s going to look like, I just know that over the last year I’ve gotten mostly to a place where I can say I *like* being ace, because it’s actually just what I am in the same way I have brown hair or am short, and not some weird deviance from Being Normal that I Must! Hide! At All Costs! That might sound simple but it was a hard place to get to. (thanks Mr Fire, I guess)

I hope this ramble made *some* sense and answered your question in some way! Feel free to send any more questions :)

#anon asks #ace tag #mad.txt #long post #this looks really whack on mobile but should still be readable :/ #we love a functional website

[kanerboo]

okay so... i’m just kind of needing to work out my thoughts about the blackhawks in writing for a bit, so everyone can ignore this or choose to disagree or whatever, I just need to kinda get things out of my head and get my thoughts down in some order.

1) our recent performances: the thing about this, which is something i’ve kept reiterating, is that apart from that horrid game against the flyers, we have actually NOT BEEN PLAYING AS BADLY AS OUR SCORESHEETS SUGGEST. this is the main thing that’s so baffling to me. on paper, this team is not a bad team. on ice, this team is not playing like a bad team either. and YET!!

an example below, from the carolina game yesterday, after 2 periods of play. all of our possession metrics were positive (from this tweet). and yes I know corsi is not a great stat, but it also kinda lined up with my eye test where we actually weren’t playing badly, at least for the last half of the first and throughout the whole of the second.

and yet we couldn’t buy a goal to save our life. we came close a number of times. kirby hit iron. saad came close a few times. we had a flurry of chances from the top line, and during a PP, and from nylander. and through it all mrazek, who is, let’s put it that way, not such a great goalie, was making himself look like fucking brodeur or roy with some crazy saves. when carolina was up just 1-0 through a PP goal, we literally could have pulled even or gone ahead any number of times. and the puck just was NOT GOING IN.

I DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND.

and how many times have I seen this story happen already in fewer than 10 games? it happened against the caps where we played really well and lost because we were up against a goalie standing on his head. it happened against vegas where we played our best game of the season, possibly the best game i’ve seen them play in a whole year, and still lost because of a goalie standing on his head, and to me it’s just like, how long can this go on before the players start getting demoralised that they’re doing everything right and they’re working hard and nothing is going their way? and the worst part is, that point might be happening NOW, especially based on what patrick said in his postgame last night.

2) our special teams: ok it makes absolutely zero sense to me why our special teams are so terrible this year, when we shored up our PK in the offseason and we had the league’s best PP from like what, mid-january? I know we couldn’t continue the way our PP had and eventually it’d regress towards the mean, but this isn’t even their “mean”, it’s back to the putrid days of Q. there are times it shows signs of life, like a couple of sequences against carolina, but again, when that happens, we can’t find a goal. I still don’t understand the rationale between putting nylander up on PP1 and demoting dylan to PP2 - I feel like if we had success with that particular PP1 unit last season with 19-88-17-12 then maybe we should try that? I do get maybe they’re trying to create some balance across both PP units since saad and kubalik are firing now and putting dylan there gives them some additional firepower, plus the PP1 unit had such a huge chunk of TOI during last season’s PPs and it was getting pretty unbalanced there, but come on. at this point something HAS to be done already.

as for our PK - stanbo made some really good moves in the offseason, and acquiring carpenter has been one of them. he has been great on our PK - and we know this PK can be amazing, we’ve seen them kill four minute minors and we’ve seen them score shorties - and then there are times they just completely seem to collapse. I DO NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND.

3) brings me to my third point. the coaches. specifically, marc crawford.

i’ve always liked jeremy colliton. I was a supporter of him when he first came onboard. he proved me right by leading us to the league best PP and league best points total from january onwards? something like that, I don’t remember exactly. anyway it was clear to me that by the end of last season the players had bought in to his system, they were settling into it and learning to play it well, and he’d earned their respect. and the hope was that with a full training camp he’d be able to get the team doing a lot more.

then they brought in crawford and i’m gonna be honest I hated that appointment from the start because he didn’t have a good rep with players and teams. there was an article I read about him, I can’t remember where and I can’t find it to link now, but he apparently used to treat players really badly, had shitty player management. and I didn’t like that.

and ever since he came in our lines have been fucked, our players look demoralised (but in all fairness this could be from that pattern of playing-well-and-not-winning - although if the lines and systems are instituted by crawford then fuck yeah he IS demoralising them anyway), and our special teams have gone down the drain. and from what I’ve learned, crawford is in charge of the PP and PK, so you know. you do the math.

you could argue colliton is still the head coach and therefore he should have the final say over his lines and systems. you wouldn’t be wrong either. but I personally find it hard to believe that a guy who managed to get us those PP and points in the second half of last season, who has shown serious hockey smarts and good leadership while managing the team during that time, someone usually intelligent and thoughtful when it came to his pressers and systems, is behind ALL of this bullshit.

HOWEVER. I will add that I don’t like the way he’s conducting pressers nowadays. it makes me feel like he’s throwing the team under the bus and I don’t like that AT ALL. and like I said it really surprises me because I find it hard to believe there’s such a difference from last season and this year. and I still really don’t think it’s a coincidence this season is fucking up with crawford behind the bench.

4) they need to play 91-19-88, they should have played 1988 together since at least three games ago, stop fucking experimenting with the top lines. we have two perfect, ready-made chemistry pairs that can feed off each other easy and play with almost anyone on the other wing. put them back together especially when this got us so much success last season.

I appreciate that with the emergence of kirby as a center, possibly a second or third line centre, and that solid third line of ours, dylan has been kind of moved down the pecking order. but dylan has something no one else seems to have, and that’s chemistry with alex. I mean if I could I wouldn’t want to touch the third line either, and putting kirby on the fourth line is stupid when he’s so good and he’s not a grinder and he’s actually been holding up well even when centering patrick, but it’s just. i’m never the doom and gloom type when it comes to my team, but this, this I feel is dire. maybe because of the way we play hard and play well and can’t seem to score. but just throw 1988 and 1712 back together for a few games and see what happens. it’s also not a coincidence that once 1988 got put back together they started generating offence and SOGs - which they both weren’t in previous games.

5) just to end my word vomit: I hate all the stupid fucks who are saying to “trade toews” or “fire bowman” lbr here stanbo brought in some really good trades last season and in the offseason, and like I saw one of the beats say, one of the worst parts of this whole situation is that the people he’s brought in have actually been playing well and made a difference, but the team as a whole just can’t pull out a win. and the people saying to trade jonny? lmao yeah of course because the troubles of the whole team lie on ONE MAN’S shoulders, i.e. our captain who has been actually working his ass off? i’m tired of all the shit being thrown at jonny all the time. people expect him to score 100 points when he’s not that kind of player. he’s not patrick, never has been, never should be, they’re two completely different types of players, and people NEVER seem to get that. it’s like they think oh 88 gets 100 points so 19 should too. but 88 also doesn’t play on the PK or have to forecheck and backcheck and play a hard-wearing defensive shutdown game in addition to his offensive responsibilities. the fuck? sometimes I wonder if these people actually WATCH hockey, because they don’t seem to get this and haven’t for years.

ugh, needed to get that off my chest. sorry if you actually bothered reading the whole way through ig! i’m just sad and angry and really really want my blackhawks to do well. i’m still holding out hope - i’m not giving up on this team - but I really need them to show some results. oh, and maybe for marc crawford to get fired. 

#hockey #chicago blackhawks #I have thoughts and feelings so let me spew them at you #pls ignore this if you have to #It literally is just my stream of consciousness word vomit

[fusion-ego]

So... 2019, huh?

((LONG post ahead!))

This year has really been something, hasn’t it? I had to quit my second job ever because of my back problems (along with other shit lol), I hardly wrote anything all year, and I started in on my Bachelor’s degree. I moved 1600 miles cross-country to Arizona and I’ve been down here for six months now! I had to leave my Markiplier Nudes Calendar™ back in Illinois because I forgot to take it off my wall before I left and it probably got thrown away by the landlord :c, I let my parents borrow a credit card for the move down here and went into debt as a result of almost single-handedly financing the move, had several breakdowns, and despite my best attempts I haven’t been able to get a job yet, but I’m still trying!

A lot of things happened this year.

I turned 20.

I started liking myself again after years of literally hating myself and that quickly advanced to me loving myself again. Turns out I’m pretty cool, even if I am annoying as fuck.

Turns out that having primarily depressive episodes and not having the motivation or desire to take care of myself doesn’t make me any less of a person. It doesn’t make my struggles invalid just because I’m the one not taking care of myself. It turns out, taking care of yourself is fucking hard sometimes, especially if the combined symptoms of your mental and physical ailments put you in a position where everything feels like too much.

It also turns out that taking care of yourself is difficult when you’ve spent your entire life (or at least the parts where you actually had friends) putting all of the wants and needs of your friends and loved ones above your own.

Taking care of yourself is hard when you were raised to be The Strong One, who doesn’t break down and who doesn’t have any issues, thanks. The one who, sure, they haven’t showered in a week and they feel like crap because they haven’t eaten, but you don’t need to know that! You just go eat and take a shower, hun, The Strong One is okay.

It took until this year for me to learn that being The Strong One didn’t mean I couldn’t break down sometimes. It didn’t mean I couldn’t take time for myself and that I had to be available all the time for my friends. Setting boundaries has been a learning experience for me and everyone else in my friend group, I think. I think I’ve cried more this year than I have since I was a kid, and you know what that is? Growth.

And honestly, I’ve really gotta thank my lovely fiance @goreyglitches for some of that. I am petrified of crying when anyone can see or hear me. I was raised to be The Strong One and The Strong One doesn’t cry. I conditioned myself to not be a “crybaby” and to never, ever, ever cry. And I know that’s bad - repressing negative emotions just makes it worse in the long-run. I figured that out with anger and tried to fix it long before I tried to fix the crying issue, and this year? This year Tobi’s helped a lot. I trust him, and I feel safe with him, so when he shuts the door and pulls the covers over us and holds me and tells me it’s okay to cry, I cry. And I am so grateful to him for that I don’t think I even have words.

And @ashencreations has been a wonderful friend this year, as always, even if both of us have been having issues this year. They’ve, I think, been one of the people I vented to the absolute most and they’ve been a real peach about it and even if I don’t have a whole lot of energy to talk sometimes (most of the time) they still love me and are accommodating of my issues. That’s pretty cool! I know a lot of people who can’t talk to people they’ve dated in the past and I have to admit I wouldn’t have been surprised if we fell out this year, but here we are - finishing another year as best friends. They let me have my space and they check in to make sure I’ve eaten and slept and showered. And I try to do the same but my check-ins have been a little lackluster this year while I find my boundaries so oops for that. I’ll try harder next year!

And really, I have to thank everyone who’s stuck with me through this year. My friends and my followers and even just folks who know me because I’m mutuals with someone they’re friends with - all of you. I know this year has sucked and I’ve been really annoying and I’m constantly asking for money, so thank you for sticking around. I’m trying to get back into the old swing of things and I’ve put in about a billion applications and I’m in University, can you believe that? You guys being patient even when I’m annoying has been really helpful. This is especially true of the folks in Lexi’s server who have to see me venting all the time. Y’all are darlings and I’m sorry I keep dragging my shit in there lmao I’ll try not to so much next year.

I’m especially thankful, though, I think, of the people who are still with me after so many years of knowing me. Like Ran and Ness and Zare and Comedy and even Em, even if we don’t talk. I mean, Em probably the most - she knew me when I was such a shithead that it’s kinda laughable now and yet she’s willing to be mutuals with me now. That’s pretty funny. (Hey, Em, guess who’s still trying to figure out how to write that TMNT thing and make it as interesting as the original idea was?) And of course I’ve known Comedy since elementary school but we didn’t really get close until high school and then I dropped off the face of the earth for like a year lol but she’s been a peach the whole time I’ve known her. And Ran’s been around for a while, we’ve known each other long enough that he probably still remembers when I went by Al. And Ness, who doesn’t have tumblr to my knowledge, well I’ve known her since diapers and she’s going to be the Maid of Honor at mine and Tobi’s wedding when we have the money to do a real ceremony - I would have filled that place at her wedding, too, if her sister-in-law wasn’t a needy bitch who had to have that position or she’d pitch a fit and ruin the entire wedding. And like, don’t even get me started on Zare, who was there when I was the worst shithead I’ve ever been and somehow still likes me even all these years later. I introduced myself to this man as Prussia, y’all. I introduced myself to him as a fallen kingdom because it was easier to pronounce than my legal name.

(It may have also been because I was into Hetalia and projected onto the character really hard because of all the “I’m awesome!” and thought it would help me be more confident, and also perhaps because my legal name being mispronounced led to a lot of people knowing me as a different fallen kingdom so it was a haha funny joak to me)

Also, this year, a certain vine-man turned youtube-man made a video that really, really spoke to me. Thomas introducing Remus and having an entire episode about intrusive thoughts and ‘bad’ creativity was - it meant a lot to me. Because since 2018, when I started writing Ego stuff, I haven’t... Well, I used to write a lot of dark stuff, y’all. I wrote violent shit because I wanted to and it was kinda just my Thing™. But after I started writing Ego stuff I started feeling like that was problematic, like it was a bad thing that I wanted to write nasty stuff like that. No one did anything to make me think that! It was just that, well, that kind of violence just... Seemed out of place. I’ve been in the process of writing a 146K+ word, 43 chapter fic containing ritualistic cannibalism, murder, unsafe sex, and various other nasty things since 2017 and I spent a terrifying amount of time feeling... Bad for that last year and this year. I’ve had to re-learn that it’s okay to write nasty stuff (no matter the moral issues other people take with it) because exploring not-so-great things in fic, especially to cope, is one of the many points of writing fic. And I’ll be honest, my dumpster fire fic was something I was writing to get through my associate’s degree because it was a new and terrifying experience and the prominent theme of running away was a feeling I was dealing with in tandem at the time. Remus’ introduction reminded me that dealing with intrusive thoughts and exploring the ‘bad’ creativity doesn’t make me a bad person, it just means I have nasty ideas and even the best people can have those. At least I can turn them into something I’m proud of writing.

So, going forward, I’m not going to shy away from writing my nasty stuff, and in 2020 I’m going to try and finish Trial and Error. I haven’t updated it since August, 2018, guys, it needs a new chapter.

And on that note, I don’t usually make New Years’ Resolutions. I never saw the point in the past and it wasn’t something super encouraged by anyone around me, so it never seemed important. But I’m making a resolution this year.

Over the years and years of writing, I’ve encountered something I think every writer encounters - I stopped writing. Now, I’m not saying I don’t write. Obviously I do, and have been, for a long time. I’m saying I don’t write like I used to. In 2013/2014 I wrote a 36-chapter Sly Cooper fic featuring an OC that still gets hits to this day, and I wrote it over the course of three months. I started it in November 2013 and it was done and put aside by the third of January 2014. It’s still one of my favorites! But the chapters are short, the storyline needs work, I didn’t spellcheck anything or even remotely try to keep my timeline completely straight. It was the first multi-chapter story exceeding 10 chapters that I ever finished. I wrote a chapter a day, as long as I was capable of doing so, I posted it, and I never looked back. It’s not a great story, but it’s one of my favorites. I loved it then and I love it now. And that’s something I don’t do anymore! When a fic doesn’t live up to my expectations, I don’t love it like I love that old fic, which did not at all live up to my expectations. My perfectionism has developed over the years and it has killed my creativity. I can still make cool stuff, can still make things I like, but it’s not the same anymore.

So my resolution is, in 2020, I’m going to write.

I’m going to write like I used to, but I’m going to put all of my experience into it.

I started writing in 2008 or 2009, maybe even before that - if I can recapture the love I had for it then, then I will be in great shape. I didn’t spellcheck back then and frankly I kinda sucked at writing even in 2013/2014, but if I can love writing like I did then and put all of what I’ve learned into it? Holy shit. I mean, I’ve been rewriting that old Sly Cooper fic for the past couple weeks, so it’s not exactly a mystery how much better things will turn out if I pour my much better spelling and grammar, my better ideas, my better commitment, into my fics going forward. All I need to make them great is to love doing it.

So in 2020, I’m going to write.

2019 has been a wild ride, and I’ve written less than half of what I wrote in 2018, not even counting all of my Ego requests for either year. I’ve spent the last three days in a mad dash to reach 100K written this year on AO3 by writing 30K before midnight tonight. I have 5K left! But even breaching 100K I won’t be halfway there. In 2018 I wrote 225.6K on AO3, not counting Ego stuff. And I think that’s because I haven’t loved doing it like I used to - the fact that I’ve loved the fic I started in order to make my “30K by tonight” goal and I haven’t let myself have enough time to agonize over whether it’s “good” or not has a lot of effect on how much I’ve written. My wordcount per hour has, like, doubled because I actually wanted to work. So I’ll reach my goal by tonight and still have time to celebrate at midnight.

So, again, thank you to everyone who’s stuck with me through this crazy year. Things haven’t been great, I’ll be honest, but I’m hoping next year will be better. They’re already off to a good start - my dad and I have a plan for him to start paying me back for how much money we spent moving here, and if I can get a job it’ll only get easier and it’ll only get better. And on top of that me and Tobi have plans to legalize our Marriage™ in September. It won’t be anything big - we’re waiting to have a real ceremony until we have the money to make sure Zare and Ness and Ran can come. But if all goes well, on 9/20/20 we’ll have the legal shit sorted out and Tobi will officially be my husband so that’s just another thing to be looking forward to.

Happy New Year, y’all! Hope you all have a good one. I speak a good 2020 into existence and I won’t stop until I get it.

#happy new year #long post #personal #sort of #new years eve 2019 #new years 2020

[undertheniall]

2018 -  ANOTHER YEAR OF NIALL!

WARNING - THIS POST IS LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG BUT ITS NIALL SO ITS WORTH IT!

oK so we started this year with this beautiful selfie

AAAND then Niall was on the same flight with Joe Jonas and they blessed us with this

ohh and then he got off the plane and went to do some fashion stuff in Paris because you know...he’s a model now

and after that he hopped on a plane again and went to Dubai to do some golfing

ohhh lets not forget the most beautiful pic:

ahhh you gotta love golf!

golf niall also blessed us with a pink shirt and let me tell you... NIALL LOOOKS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD IN PINK

he even gave some interviews in dubai and we got gems like this:

let me sit there daddyyyyyyy

wow that was a lot about dubai i swear im done now...well almost because i need to remind you all about this:

THIS IS SO PURE :’)

We ended January with Niall supporting World Cancer Day

next niall posted this picture on insta and set our asses on fire

fuck. ohhh and he introduced us to On The Loose artwork and dunno about you but im still in love with it!

ohhh and he played for us a little because he’s a good boyfriend😭

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Capitol Records (@capitolrecords) on Feb 7, 2018 at 7:44am PST

the same day we got a video of niall holding money and i lost my panties

ohh and then he gave us a beautiful selfie for valentines day

and after that he spent the whole day with his boyfriend mully hahah

later he went back to london and we got niam reunion....ahhh what a blessing

I LOVE THESE TWO

after that it was pretty chill and then Niall dropped OTL Video and killed us all

btw this is a good moment to take a little break and go listen to on the loose!

OK Next thing that happened was Flicker World Tour. Ohhhh im gonna do highlights of the tour later in this post so here is just couple pics

ok were def going to come back to that but for now lets move on.

sooo since im hendes af i need to mention the time niall posted this

NEED ME A SUPPORTIVE FREAK LIKE THAT

ohh ohhh and he went on grimmys show and we got this

what a cutie

next Niall took a little break from touring and did some golfing because...well Niall loves golf lmao

Can you believe Niall won the Masters with this pic?

FUCK

His break ended pretty fast and he was back on tour in no time! Not that im complaining hahah

You know what i loved about this tour? All the bts pics we got

ohhh and i can not mention the time Niall was hard as fuck

ohh ohhh and that insta live!

Ohhh and lets not forget the time grandpa Niall had problems with his instagram hahah

this is still not a time for FWT highlights but we gotta talk about Niall doing a stream of Amsterdam show! That was so fucking amazing.

THAT IS ONE THICK ASS

ok now lets take a sec to appreciate this selfie

CUTIEEES

oh oh and this selfie too

CUDDLY BITCH

Later he sang for you his album with RTÉ Orchestra, which was breathtaking!

WHAT A BLESSING!

annd then he took another break from touring anddd...guess what? HE WENT GOLFING! Yes i was shocked too! lmao

ahhh i love that golf booty!

oh and Mr. Grey was there

Next he decided to become an influencer hahah

and then he hit the stage on Biggest Weekend and his outfit was yet another blessing

but the most important thing that happened during Biggest Weekend and well...basically the most important thing of this year was this:

THEY ARE BROS IN LOVE AND I WILL NEVER STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THIS

Next he went to New Zeland to continue his tour! And Maren joined him 

yes they are both morons and i love them

Oh and he also blessed us with this outfit 

HE REALLY NEEDS TO YIHOO IN MY ASS WEARING THAT OUTFIT

Australia also blessed us with work out pics

Ohh and Mentor!Niall

ahhh and that booty

then flicker hit 1 billion streams!

oh oh and next he went on Late Late Shown and flirted with Orlando Bloom

and then he blessed us with shirtless selfie ahh

and then he surprised us all and went on stage with Taylor!

Now its time to mention Horan & Rose Gala. Im so proud of him i sweaaarrr

he really is the greatest person

after this we got yet another suprise

I LOVE SUPRISES LIKE THAT

and then he went back on tour and while chilling in some hotel we were blessed with shirtless pics!

ahhh what a sexy baby

then all he did was tour and tour and tour (were gonna come back to that in a min)

between the shows he hosted a party at his la house 

Oh and then something truely terrible happened!

yes i still miss them :(

and then niall took his hairless chest and decided to play some football backstage

next he blessed us with another insta live!

then poor bub smashed his finger:(

night before the last show Niall got really emotional and not gonna lie i teared up a little

after the las show he went back to europe to play golf.. yes golf again. but he played with mr grey ahhh

and he turned on his party mode

after this golfing he went to uk to do more golfing hahah

and after all the golfing he went to la, had his sinus surgery and chilled for a month and just watched tv and rest. good bub and basically he was so bored that at one point he just went on late late show lol

ohh and of course after that he hanged with his bro

AND FINALLY he started writing new music! AAAAAAA SO EXCITED

and then he came back to uk and did some stuff like go to x factor final to support louis (and hug robbie williams)

and christmas party with his lads

go to lewis’ show and then kill us with singing karaoke

wow so this post got loooooooong. sorry about that guys! now let me just show you some tour high lights and were done!

uff ok were almost done. lets just appraciate Chad and Tucker ya?

and niall and his fav steaming thingy

ok i swear this is the end. just some pics with fans and we are dooooneee

uff ok THE FUCKING END

I know that was long so thank you for sticking with me ;*

Now reblog this please . and lets hope 2019 will be even better!

#2018 HIGHLIGHTS #wow this took me like 10 hours #so i hope it wont flop :( #niall horan #2018 #masterpost #my post #my masterpost #my others