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autismlou · 2 years

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the neurodivergent nightmare: RUBY SPARKS (2012)

TW! mention of abuse

,,have you seen my other shoe? i`m always losing things“ -ruby

after 10 years i found my way back to ruby sparks, written by lead actress zoe kazan.

this movie placed itself in my subconscious and didn’t fail to remind me of it every 5 years in very cryptic ways. i start remembering a tenseness, hiding behind a glowy haze, maybe even milliseconds of a scene. but rarely enough for me to jump in the euphoria of remembering something u tried hard not to forget.

that changed yesterday.

while watching a youtube video from maia c. ,,how the Manic Pixie Dream Girl romanticizes mental illness, quirky or autistic?``, the background visuals showed zoe kazan in the role of ruby. i instantly felt the familiar tenseness but also a wave of glowy, hazy memories of this movie. as it turns out i really loved it as a kid and watched it multiple times.

that i couldn’t quite comprehend everything, shouldn’t be a surprise for everyone who knows this film already.

youtube

,,why do you look at me like that?´´-ruby

summary:

calvin is 29 years old and a famous writer with his first bestseller gaining popularity when he was only 19 years old.

you can tell that he feels disconnected, even though he attends therapy sessions regularly.

he doesn’t really speak about his internal world neither intellectually or emotionally, he just exists in his luxurious but sparsely decorated home with his dog scotty. but not even scotty gained the role of calvin’s best friend. nobody has.

isolated and alone, calvin also lacks the creativity to start writing again, until he one night randomly starts dreaming about a mysterious but intriguing women. this sparks (lol) a creative flow and he starts writing her into existence night and day, literally.

the imaginary women, ruby sparks, one morning stands in calvin’s house, fully realized and whole.

this twist of events scares calvin and he freaks out but starts realizing that ruby now isn’t only a product of his imagination.

she is a sentient human being. he falls in love, hard.

calvin experiences emotions in ways he cant really comprehend, but he is happy. they are happy.

until ruby´s antics and quirks start to hinder calvin’s day to day life. he gets annoyed by her singing uncontrollably, by her joy over small things. he gets annoyed by the traits that he doesn’t share with her up until the point where ruby was ready to leave.

and even though calvin told his brother, after ruby’s appearance that he will never write about her again, he does and changes her. again and again, until he realizes that she isn’t herself anymore, which he also doesn’t like.

so he changes her back to default ruby but therefore, all their struggles come back with the original version of her.

calvin is disconnected from his own creation, even though he can change everything about her. this sends him spiraling in the last big fight they get in. this results in him showing ruby the manuscript that ´´birthed``her.

ruby is in absolut distress the whole fight but also can’t believe what calvin is telling her so he starts writing in her presence.

he makes her unable to leave the room, talk french, act like a dog, sing and strip for him until she is made to tell him that he is a genius while uncontrollably jumping up and down. it seems like calvin snaps and makes her tell him that she loves him and will never leave , while banging on the wall,sobbing. he makes her stop. she falls exhausted to the ground, panting.

as he tries to touch her she runs into another room and locks herself in.

calvin sits back down and starts completing the story of ruby sparks.-

,,as soon as ruby left the house, the past released her. she was no longer calvin’s creation. from that moment on, only ruby could determine the course of her life. she was free.´

´-calvin

this sadly isn’t the end of the movie, but i wont talk about it right now. such quirk and fun🤡

pt.1: the idea

i liked this movie a lot when i was a child, as previously mentioned. so after regaining memory of this film and hectically looking for a website where i can stream it, i was in utter shock when it came to an end.

the idea of creating something/someone out of your brain is truly fascinating, and it always was to me. my brain is a chaotic place filled with characters, memory’s and things that could never be and that always was my reality. nobody could ever relate to my experiences and what went on in my brain, and it was the same way around. the only thing i could relate to with neurotypicals was and is, trauma. it has been lonely, but never really hindert me in trying anyway. mostly because i didn’t know about my neurodiversity until my 21 year of life.

still, media that depicted neurodiveristy always had a special place in my heart, and know i understand why. just like this movie. but i would never recommend anyone watching it without knowing what is actually going on, which is fucking hard because nobody on set knew themselves.

that’s why i have tumblr now for the first time. that’s why im here. so lets get fucking stared!

pt.2: the behind the scenes

,,how do you know he’s one of the greatest novelists who ever lived? have you read every novel ever written?´´-ruby

the problem is very easy to find, but probably because we neurodiverse peeps are pretty good problem solvers. we know how to view things rationally and solve them. because most things are pretty simple if you look at them rationally, but everybody struggles with this of course. but neurotypicals struggle with it way more. we on the contrary lean to struggle with the many emotional aspects a nt´s brain uses to get to their own conclusion.

because i know this, i can understand how this movie came to be. even though its pretty fucking insane to me still.

so, now that we found each other here, im going to start with a few comments from zoe kazan herself.

she tells us in an casual interview on the searchlight pictures youtube channel from 10 years ago (and i´m paraphrasing here):

that the trope of the manic pixie dream girl is just the idea of a girl and nothing more. a idea of someone can’t be real. that’s why she tells the interviewer that she thinks its a demeaning way to characterize ruby, because she is a fully fleshed role. she in generell critiques the MPDG but not in this film.

in an interview on the rotten tomatoes coming soon youtube channel, she told the interviewer (paraphrasing again):

zoe wanted to tell the dangers of having an idea of a person and holding them to that. that reducing someone like that is an own form of violence.

all of this is true, sadly. you can see these narratives in the movie. still, im telling you not watch it. why?

it’s insensitive and fucking clueless.

zoe tells us that ruby is a fully fleshed character, which is true. i actually really saw myself in her. i know the highs and lows of being different, and ruby did too. but that’s all she was, different. even though her difference was a clear depiction of autism.

pt.3: the problem

,, That’s a lot of pressure.´´-ruby

the problem with this is so apparent. at least it should be. but it clearly wasn’t.

ruby sparks could have been the perfect metaphor for the abuse of neurodiverse women in relationships. im not sure if this is a surprise for you.

calvin is a fucking villain.

i dont want to be insensitive. i know that this could be seen as polarising, if anybody cares or even finds this.

as a fellow autistic its hard for me not to think in black and white, because nearly everything could be that simple if people just were honest with each other and themselves.

and i think, if we really going to be honest here (which im almost always), we can say that categorizing this movie as comedy and romance is fucking twistet.

i never remembered this movie as being funny or romantic. it was ominous and still is. u are watching the creation and breaking of a neurodiverse women and its heartbreaking.

calvin is 29 years old, white, abled bodied, cis men and comes from a wealthy background. he accumulated wealth of his own in the past 10 years. he is in therapy. he even has a dog. calvin has everything right at his fingertips. but he isn’t happy. he carry’s himself like a wet grey sock. no hobby’s. no happiness. also a dead dad but we never really explore if he was close to him, he isn’t really close to his mom neither.

this is our protagonist. a basic bitch. there is no way i could feel bad for him. everything he could need to change his life or at least his outlook on it are already a part of his life. of course he is afraid of people just wanting to be with him because of his fame but he never even takes the leap. i understand social distress and and how scary it is to meet new people. i mean duh. but i can’t really change anything about it. he could, but won’t. he lurks in the shadow of his own success and isolates himself, but keeps feeling miserable. calvin all in all is a pathetic excuse of a human and the reason why i don’t like men.

then we have ruby. a spunky artist that is confident in herself and her abilities. a person that would rather risk sounding crazy then silencing herself. she sings and dances and just radiates live when she is happy. she is unapologetically herself. wearing a bright red dress with purple tights and green shoes. who wants to and convince me ruby is a neurotypical hmm? nobody could. but she also feels the pressure of calvin relying on her to keep him happy. she can define that her melancholy stems from her being lonely, from her not being able to do what she loves.

zoe is right when she tells us ruby is a full human even though she was the miracle in this film. calvin was just the idea of a depressed intellectual that can’t find connection in the regular, in the unspectacular. that’s why ruby was so different. so that she could carry him on her cloud of special.

and even though zoe herself said that reducing people is violent, why didn’t calvin suffer like ruby? calvin just regularly got critiqued for his lone wolf attitude.

calvin just was in the privileged position to shrug it off because he believed that he was smart enough to realize his flaws if he had them. in his eyes all his problem stemmed from not being in a relationship. but then when he was in one with ruby, all his flaws lead to them being incompatible because he wouldn’t recognize them. so he found all the flaws in ruby just being different.

i hope everybody can get on what im critiquing here.

calvin, the creator, was even less of a character than the one he literally wrote into existence. he created a person that was in her way of creating a fulfilled live and as soon as he realized that she didn´t need him for it, he got scared. and isn’t that just pathetic? he couldn’t keep up so he changed her and made her miserable.

but the clinging, her being emotional and dependent on him, was too much. so he changed her again…..

so now….. how do we feel seeing a perfectly fine character getting changed in their core because their partner isn’t satisfied…. what does that sound like to you ?

pt.4:the end

,,have you read it?´´-ruby

- calvin releases a new book about his incredible experience with ruby. she now is gone and he hopes that she won’t read it. the only thing that she took with her after the fight, except her own clothes was a ´i love you´ note he had left for her.

in the end calvin goes on a walk with scotty and they meet ruby, laying on a blanket in a park.

reading his new book. she does not remember him even though she feels a familiarity. they start talking and the movie ends with ruby and calving looking each other lovingly in the eyes.

WTF!!!! when i tell you that my heart dropped. i sincerely hoped until this last part that the genre listing for this movie was just wrong. but it really was meant to be a romcom , and i literally felt sick to my stomach.

he got a happy ending. why??

my immediate thought was : ,,why in hell, was it ruby?? couldn’t it just have been some random new woman??´´ just imagine, he meets a new woman. this could be such a good way of showing that he in the end still had a great enough time with no big need of recovery. you see calvin crying only on the night ruby left. than he starts writing, running, cooking. its like he himself starts a new life and works on his flaws.

mind you, after he broke ruby.

what does that tell us? ruby got emotionally abused out by this person, just so that he can transition into an adult that’s MAYBE more in touch with his emotions. for the first time at 29. and stills gets the girl. again.

and the way that the absolutely traumatizing scene where calvin made ruby do what he wanted, never got spoken of again. as if a men making a women do absolutely everything he wants while she clearly does not want to do it. bending and breaking into the molds that he creates for her isn’t fucking scary, should never happen. still, i relate to that. this kind of abuse happened to me.

i was 15 years old and my boyfriend of the time who always has been 2 years older , manipulated me right from the start so i could be whatever he wanted me to be. for 1 1/2 years. this was 2016 and i didnt realize until 2021.

i got tought that i have to be exactly the way everyone wants me to be. so did ruby. they can tell that u wont leave, they can tell that you would do everything to do your one big love right. ruby didn’t had another choice, but neither did i. because nobody ever told me. i had to crack, bend and break more than ones in this relationship before just being so done that you have no other option then leave. but ruby never really did. she still owns that note even though she doesn’t have all the memory’s.

i don´t have all the memory’s, i don’t want them but i will forever know that in this time of my young life, i was used miserable. and maybe its good that ruby does not remember, but he does. and he still longs for her to kiss him again. maybe my abuser also longs for me, the perfect girlfriend, to be back in his life. but thankfully we are not the protagonists of this severely and sadly misguided movie.

in the end calvin gets a happy end with the literal girl of his dreams, even though he is the only one remembering every detail, it wasn’t his trauma. and that makes him the winner either way…

did you like it?-ruby and me

#Youtube #actuallyautistic #autism #autistic #movie review #ruby sparks #neurodiverse nightmare #neurodivergent #its the neurodivergency #special interest #essay #movie essay #commentary #hyperfixation #writing #deep dive

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takalzuoom · 2 years

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hiii can i request an itoshi sae x innocent reader oneshot for valentines day??

ty in advance and have a great rest of ur day ^^

Hi! I’m sorry this is after Valentine’s Day 😨

But I hope you like your request!

I wouldn’t necessarily say you’re innocent… more like… inexperienced… to say the least.

Never once having a boyfriend, and friends keeping hush hush about what goes on behind closed doors, its kind of hard to get a real example of what relationships are like

Besides from movies of course

So come along Valentine’s Day where Sae finally has a day off and is in Japan for a secret project

No so secret as he cant help but spill about what kind of bs Japan pulling with some ‘U-20 match shit’

But it’s the 13th and you’re panicking. You’re looking through Pinterest and watching romance movies to find out something to do for you two

Something nice and cozy that he’d appreciate, that wouldn’t lift too many scandals as he has a image to uphold he couldn't care less about his image

So you did what any good partner would do, get him some chocolates, a soccer teddy bear? And a cute little keychain

The keychain returns!

You were busy wrapping it when you got a text from Sae.

‘Let’s meet by Inko’s ice cream at 12. Don't be late’

… you weren’t sure if that was a threat or not but that gave you new motivation to hurry up and get to bed

Personally, i don't see sae putting as much thought into Valentine’s Day as you. He’s not nervously switching between tabs to see what you’d like

Nor is he pulling his hair out over the shipping time of gifts.

He’s a simple man. He’ll get you something you’ve ‘hinting at’ for a while, walk around to shop, get dinner and watch a movie at his place

And hopefully you’ll fall asleep with him so he gets to look at your face when he wakes up, and so that you can ‘convince him’ to skip practice.

That’s it.

He looks like his love language is quality time. Maybe a little physical touch as well ? 👁👁

But he’s standing in front of the long line of couples Inko’s was have a valentines sale

And when you arrived you looked like a mess. Bag held by your chest, as a wonky smile greeted him.

You both trade gifts as you join him in line for Inko’s

You can’t help but squeeze his hand. Trying to soothe your pounding heart with soft breathing

“Are you alright”

‘FInE” your voice cracked, unlacing your hands to fix your hair to wipe off sweat

You cleared your throat “yeah I’m fine”

It was your turn to order, but you could barely get a word out as your boyfriend gives you a side eyes before sighing exasperated

“I’ll have chocolate and they’ll have the same”

You silently thanked him as you moved the bag to your elbow and took your cone.

“…why are you stuttering? And unless you’ve just trained you shouldn’t be sweating in February”

“Oh. I’m sorry I’m just…” what? Nervous? Why would you say that when you can already hear your boyfriend’s witty remark and you’d rather not argue today.

“Oh it's nothing, I j-“

“Stop lying to me y/n” he sounded annoyed, his eyes rugged as he took another bite of ice cream

He bites his ice cream to piss people off

Though it was a funny sight, his gaze bore into your very being and you weren’t liking it, as with each passing second you were growing more and more unnerved.

You couldn't deal with the creeping claw up your stomach so with a sigh you just spilled your worries

“I’m just… nervous”

“About?”

“Valentine’s day… i don't know much about it and - and I’m sorry about not having a good enough gift for you… I”

Your eyes started to twitch as your throat closed up. It was getting too much for you.

Was he going to break up with you over a bad gift?

Was he going to kick it to the curb like he did with gifts from fangirls?

Was he going pity accept it?

God you're such an awful partner! You should’ve asked him what he wanted- not that he would tell you…

You should have paid more attention to what he liked! …which isn't much if anything at all

You were spiraling, the grip on your gc one growing as Sae stared at you with an uniporessed look.

“Y/n, there's nothing to be nervous about.. it's pathetic. Why should you be worrying over a gift I didn't like when it came from you? So stop worrying and eat your damn ice cream before it gets all over the place” he said in the same monotone voice he always had, a hint of annoyance in his voice as he brought his attention back to his melting cone

The coldness of chocolate brought you back. Blinking in surprise as you hurriedly began licking at our fingers to catch the falling ice cream. Making sure none escaped.

“I just want you to know how much I care about you… that's all” you said in between licks.

“Then why not say it?” He asks

“Because I already say it all the time, and I’m afraid that you’ve grown annoyed by it…” you finally caught all the stragglers as you finally looked at him.

Though by now he was already done with his. Only have a napkin to wipe off any stains. Phone in other hand as he mindlessly scrolled through it

“So that's why you've been distant as of late.”

You nodded

“All because of insecurity?”

You nodded

Looking up with a scowl. He turned off his phone as you continued licking.

“How lukewarm” you mumbled, hand covering his face so you wouldn’t see his eye softening ever so slightly.

There wasn't much that he could say, not being able to find any of the right words or pride to say it. So it actually warmed a bit of his cold, shriveled heart that you were so worried about what he thought.

Sounds awful,I know, but for each tear you let out the more he wanted to wipe them. To tell you to ‘stop crying’ and pat your head.

Maybe he wouldn’t do it now but maybe in the confines of his home

#takalzuoom #kai…🌊#bllk #bllk x reader #itoshi sae #itoshi sae x reader #sae x reader #blue lock x reader #blue lock #itoshi sae blue lock #itoshi sae bllk

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bug-ju1c3 · 2 years

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OK OK ANOTHER POST ABOUT SP SEASON 25,,,, THE 2ND EPISODE JUST CAME OUT AND IM LEFT WITH A FEELING OF CONFUSION AFTER WATCHING IT?!

the episode was quite mediocre but touched on some… series long topics… and to be frankly honest, the show doesnt really feel like south park anymore… at least not how it was in its golden age. I really love the show and dont mean to trash on it, but i feel like their trying so hard to be mainstream with the current times, and aren’t really thinking of any new creative ideas.. Besides that, im most surprised with one thing i thought wouldn’t ever really change, and that’s the voices. Matt and Trey have been doing them for so long, you’d think they’d be quite consistent as obviously they aren’t gonna ever change the voice actors… but.. theres some major changes that really don’t go unnoticed.

First of all, Mr. Mackey’s voice which honestly… they probably had the least reason to alter his voice of all people, i mean its so iconic and halarious, simply making it deeper sounds really off. Maybe his next appearance will switch back or maybe not 🤷‍♀️ i really dont know and im not too concerned, it might have just been an error because i dont doubt that Trey is really rusty after so long!

Now… Stan, Cartman, and Kyle’s voices… uhm… WHAT?? Dude when i tell u i flipped after hearing stan’s voice go down an octave… i mean it. Literally in the last episode it sounded the same as any other, 7 days later i open up episode 2 and im wondering if theyre going through puberty in 4th grade ?? 😭😭 Now its only natural for children’s voices to change as they get older, but they literally say nothing about it, and it seems to only affect Stan, Cartman and Kyle as the other kids all sound the same. It just feels like a weird detail but its too consistent to ignore ? Will they finally get to 5th grade or spiral into an infinite 4th grade hell?

Sorry for going on a tangent im just concerned for the future of this show and frankly, i don’t want it to go on forever despite the endurance. It just feels like after the 19th season everything’s kinda been going down hill with politics and race and weed and stuff. Why cant it be aliens and satan?? Jesus and santa?? Where did all that go please Matt and Trey i beg go back to your roots ☹️ i really understand the pressure though, and being under a contract can burn out a couple of shriveling 50 year old men 😔 such a shame

#south park #sp #matt and trey

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softxhariana · 3 years

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burning questions

description: harry appears on ellen and answers some ‘burning questions’

word count: 1.33k

A/N: hello lovelys <3 this is just a lil piece based on harry’s appearance on ellen in jan 2020 where he answered some quick fire questions (u can find HERE) and i altered it to fit in queen ari!

as always, this is NOT real and is not meant to be perceived as me pretending this is real, it’s fiction.

❤ anywayz, hope y'all enjoy, luv you xox

“I AM GOING TO READ A QUESTION and you have to answer the first thing that comes to your mind, then hit the buzzer, ready” ellen explained, staring at the camera as harry cleared his throat and looked around the studio audience.

without giving him a chance to reply - in usual ellen fashion - she asked the first question.

“firsts things first, boxers or briefs?”

pausing to think, he turned to her confused, “what shape is a brief?”

“a-a brief is like, uh, the-”

“boxers are like the swimming short” he continued, his sudden mind-blank not helping him too much in a game based on speed. and when she gave him a short ‘yeah’ in confirmation he turned back to the camera, “oh, yeah ok briefs....do i hit this” he gestured toward the buzzer and with another word of confirmation spilling from her mouth he tapped the buzzer, repeating his answer.

“yep, what are your three favourite body parts on a woman?” ellen asked, a glint of arrogance in her eye as if she knew she could get him to slip up, but harry was too clever - even if it took him a while to prove it.

“ehm...” he took his time. while it was easy to pick a million of ariana’s features that he loved he was definitely being careful to pick the most ‘PG’ ones.

“eyes...” the audience laughed and whistled as he looked deep in thought, “smile.... character” he finished matter-of-factly, an innocent boyish smile on his face as he looked around the studio and everyone ‘aww’ed”

“thank you” ellen replied though the clapping, and as much as he internally wanted to say ‘wasn’t talking about you’ he stuck with just repeating her words, smile still present and glowing on his face.

she waited for everything to quieten down before continuing

“uh, what’s a lie you recently told?” she smiled knowingly, the audience cheering at the convenient timing of the question.

harry smiled at the insinuation but decided to go the safe - yet still completely honest - answer,

“that i wanted to play this game” he said smugly, hitting the buzzer infront of him with a ‘ding’.

ellen’s jaw dropped at his answer, before turning back to the camera with a grin, the audience laughing and cheering at his playful dig.

“ok, if you cant sleep in the middle of the night, what do you do?” she read.

they were setting him up, harry thought.

he knew exactly what he did when he couldn’t sleep at night- and he was sure many people could guess, but he also knew that he definitely wasn’t about to expose himself and ariana by being honest, so he did that he did best.

avoid a question, by telling only part of the truth.

that way he could never be called a liar. managing to stay honest without revealing details of his life was something that -while he would never admit it - harry was rather proud of.

“i wake ariana up” he said, laughing as he hit the buzzer.

the crowd only got louder at the revelation. knowing what it insinuated and knowing they were never going to get a straight answer from the singer, they were satisfied.

ellen however, needed more, “oh yeah, and what do you do when you’re both up in the middle of the night” the talk show host prodded,

harry kept the lazy smirk on his face as he reminded her that he had given his answer and she shook her head with a laugh before moving on,

“how old were you when you had your first kiss?”

“ehh... like ‘kiss’ kiss?” he asked, ‘yep’ she nodded keeping her face towards the front, “eh, like 12, i think” he said unsurely, hitting the buzzer. his memory not the best at the present time.

“ok, what is your favourite curse word?”

“cc----” he trailed off, spinning in his chair a little, “is bollock’s a curse word?” he ended up asking

“bollocks?’ she repeated, how british could he be “eh, no but if its your favourite-”

“ok... shit” he decided, “right? solid, does the job” he tilted his head questioningly at the audience who seem to have gone mad at just hearing him swear.

“FUCK” he almost shouted, jumping a little in his seat, sending the viewers spiralling, ‘yeah’ ellen agreed hitting his forgotten buzzer for him.

“who was your first celebrity crush?” ellen asked, trying to move the game along, which was hard when playing with the worlds slowest talker,

“ARIANA!” someone in the crowd shouted, scream’s erupting at the mention of her name, and harry blushed slightly, before regaining his confidence,

“no, she wishes though...” he joked, pulling a laugh from everyone, even ellen

“but um... maybe- probably jennifer aniston” he eventually settled on, tapping the red buzzer.

whenever him and ari would watch friends together, she’d tease him by going on and on about how gorgeous matt leblanc was, which he would just respond to with a comment about jennifer.

that would shut her up, not before a mumbled agreement, or i quiet ‘i would’ that would have him laughing.

“what’s your biggest fear?”

“dying” he replied slowly

“dying?’ ellen turned to stare at him

“that was dark” he commented, a smile growing on his face,

“ye-” she trailed off joining the laughter as he played with his necklace awkwardly.

“who is the most famous person in your phone?”

he paused, not ready for her to mock him for his answer later, but deciding he may aswell since it was basically the truth

“ariana grande” he answered with a smirk on his lips

another cheer - she seems popular - he thought.

“she's going to love that” ellen smiled, sarcasm dipping from her voice.

“what is your favourite sound in the world?”

“ari” he replied instantaneously, not registering the trap as he hit the button - too busy picturing exactly the sound he was talking about.

but when ellen looked at him suggestively and he heard the audience whistling, he realised he’d fucked it,

“ariana doing what?” she inquired, the intent behind the jab completely obvious, only spurring the audience on even more.

“singing-” he blurted, recollecting himself, “she's a singer remember” he tried to justify, his face blushed as he looked out to the crowd with a sheepish smile.

“mhm” ellen jested, only laughing and moving on when he jokingly hit the buzzer multiple times with his head down.

“ok, ok, what would your signature fragrance be called?”

staying quiet for a moment, harry bit his lip for a moment in contemplation

“boxer’s or briefs” he joked, trying not to laugh too much at his own comment.

“what’s your guilty pleasure?” ellen asked

“ehhh...working out to one direction” he smiled knowingly, as he innocently tapped the buzzer, ellen pausing for a prolonged time as the audience continued to laugh.

“yeh, ok, have you ever been in handcuffs?”

“yes” he replied shortly, leaving no room for any more of ellen’s remarks. “name, uh, your favourite music video of all time?”

“uhh, sledgehammer by peter gabriel”... he hit the buzzer again.

“if you weren’t a singer, what job would you want?”

“florist” he answered randomly after a moment. he didn’t really know why he said that to be honest, but he would just go with it.

“when you’re alone in a car, what song do you play?”

“cheryl lynn, got to be real” he said through a smile, “that is a good one” ellen turned to him, nodding in agreement.

“yep”

“last question, have you ever forgotten the lyrics to your own song while you’re on stage?”

too many times, he thought “yes” he nodded, the audience cheering once again.

“you did a god job!” ellen turned to him with a smile

“thank you!” he replied just as enthusiastically

“yes, we’re done”

he put his fist in the air with a smile at the applause, and braced himself for the teasing he was sure to endure when he got home.

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ao3gingerswag · 3 years

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At one point, after things have been settling down, Dean has a really bad day, and ends up super scared and crying and has to go to bed early because his body has crashed from adrenaline. That night, Cas has a bad dream about Dean being taken away and he tells Dean about it the next day, but Dean woke ip on the self deprecating side of the bed after such a rough day and makes a little comment like “I guess it was probably half-way a relief”. Cas responds with “yes” because he’s halfway relieved to wake up and see Dean, but he’s still scared and that’s how he interpreted the question and he feels like Dean really understood him and that feels nice. And Dean wants to cry and beg to be kept, but Sam is shocked and Cas’s blunt response doesn’t line up at all with how upset he was talking about the dream, but still this is Proof that Cas is secretly evil, so he speaks up and declares “I wouldn’t be relieved, I would be so upset, I’d kill anyone who tried to take you”, and Cas is just like “don’t worry Sammy, it was just a dream, and even though it’s awful to even think about, you can be halfway relieved because we can see Dean and he’s right here and he’s safe with us 🥰”. And Sammy is like “😐”

Ace

ooooh my god ;~; dean!!!!!!! nooooo baby ;~; i wonder what would happen to have him have such a bad day...i have a few angst filled scenarios ive been sitting on but most of those i want to have resolved, at least emotionally, by the end of the day so it would have to be something else...maybe he oversleeps or something, like maybe he falls back asleep after cas wakes him up or maybe cas sends him back to sleep bc hes so groggy. and cas isnt annoyed but dean is like SO horrified at his own behavior, he gets into that spiral like he did in Baking Bread hes like !!! im becoming So Bad because cas is too nice to me!!!! i need to be treated harshly or else i become lazy and slow and awful!!!! and it just becomes a whole spiral that ruins the whole day ;~;

and then yeah ;~; maybe ESPECIALLY after watching dean have such a hard day and not having any tangible way he can help, cas has an anxiety dream about dean being hurt and taken away where he cant do anything to stop it ;~;

and then ooooh noooo the miscommunication!!! ahhhh ;~; you would think i love miscommunication based on how evil im being in The Outside but really i just needed some miscommunication for plot to happen, generally my little heart cant take it UNLESS it is resolved immediately ;~; thankfully Sammy saves the day again here and DOES resolve the situation by getting pissed on Dean’s behalf, prompting cas to clarify what he’s talking about.

Seriously thank god for Sam, even though he’s abrasive and suspicious he’s gonna be SUCH a blessing for Dean and Cas just cause he’s so direct and blunt and unafraid to tell you what he’s thinking. With Cas not understanding social cues and Dean being so shy and self depreciating and scared, there would be so much more miscommunication between them! Like Dean thinking Cas is mad or interpreting his actions totally wrong and thinking he’s being punished or dismissed when he’s not, but ofc not saying anything and just accepting :( i guess i deserve it :( i guess cas is sick of me :( ect... and Sam is not like, actually good at interpreting what’s really going on at all, but at least he’ll like SAY something like HEY IT’S REALLY FUCKED UP THAT YOU WOULD DO THAT TO DEAN! ITS REALLY FUCKED UP THAT YOU FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT DEAN! which makes cas realize something has gotten lost between them and gets him to be like what?? i dont feel that way about dean?? dean did you think thats what i meant?? why didnt u say anything?? ;~;

#ao3gingerswag #asks #prompts #wander home

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june-again · 3 years

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i was going to ageee with @/sun-setter because people always used to tell me how lucky I was to have an older brother. I never felt that way haha i used to get hit by him up until i had to leave home for uni :')) and not just the "oh it's an asian thing" kind of hitting but he's temperamental and sees me as a punching bag lol so yeahhh sumtimes i cant get up or im limping and yknoeee...asian parents with their "suck it up ur the mature one" hehe :3

so Im really glad your brother is great and a blessing to you 💖 while i think my genuine dislike of men stemmed from all that experience and the idea of a good brother is something unimaginable to me, it's no nice to see someone i admire (das you, o love u and ur blog) actually having a good experience with theirs. this isn't asking for pity, okkk? but uh yeah whenever someone mentions stuff like "i wish i had a brother/brothers are the best" i go into a spiral (which isn't anyone's fault just because they're talking about it...i just have to handle my trauma well haha)

stay safe & well! 💖

yikes from the first sentence i'm already 😬😬 i agree, i don't know why people act like having siblings is automatically a great thing. you're literally - from a very young age, you suddenly have someone else you never asked for, and from day one you're expected to adapt. we don't choose our families, so yes, maybe it's lucky to have "good" siblings or a good relationship with your siblings, but that doesn't mean having someone you're stuck with for, like, fifteen years is going to be nice. especially if you have to see them every day. especially if it's like after long days you only see the worst of each other.

i'm really sorry to hear that your relationship was that awful. i can't imagine how hard that was for you, but i'm glad to hear you've at least escaped that now.

i hate when people generalize like that.... "brothers are the best" ... because having a brother just means you and one other person happened to be born into the same family. one other person. them being a brother does not make them better or worse. i feel like people have a lot of stereotypes in their minds about what it's like having a brother when in fact it does vary from family to family and you can't automatically assume it's a blessing.

ok watch me ramble abt my brother because you brought him up and my brother is my pride and joy

idk i honestly am so thankful for my brother, though. i mean, he's very awkward and isn't very good at taking care of himself, but he's also kind at heart and really passionate about a few things and creative and funny. i appreciate him a lot (also LMAO i just realized it's his 20th birthday in. three days. i suck. last year my gift to him was agreeing to finally watch doctor who with him 💀 and it was in exchange for him watching death note with me too 💀💀. also side side note he's literally playing L's theme on the piano as i'm writing this hsfdfsdhhd it's the best thing ever.) we have a lot of similar interests and even though he isn't always great at conversation or whatever he's just a solid dude and doesn't get offended at every little thing and doesn't hold grudges and just :^ lives his life the best he can. idk. i totally vibe with him. he's the reason i'm a lot of things and it goes both ways.

#elk's asks #anon! 💕#goodbye i'm sorry for rambling about my brother at you #i love my family 😗 they just get on my nerves sometimes but i feel like that's not exactly rare #especially since i happen to be a depressed teenage girl that does not know how to deal with emotions properly #ALJWKAHLKWkw #BRo HRAKT SD YOU ADMIRE ME????#WHY #WHT #KLAHWHLAW #THANK YOU !! ??#🧍‍♀️ im sorta embarassed now mfdkljdsf

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yellowbeamss · 4 years

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its 1.30 am i kinda miss u

disclaimer: there’s gonna be a lot of grammatical errors or whatever, i’m just writing this as i’m having one of my mental breakdowns. if u know me and ure reading this, dont worry im gonna be alright !! and if u dont,, hey stranger i hope u pray for my happiness and healing :)

- shit okay, i guess ill start by saying i miss u. i miss the way u would send me to sleep at night, the way ull beam at the sound of my voice on the other side of the line, the way ud be head over heels over me, the way ud react to the stories i tell u, the way u keep up with me talking about books when its way past our bedtime. i miss it all, ur warmth, the way u used to hold me close, the feeling of my hands inside urs, ur scent, ur smile and everything about u. its been hard for me, so hard. i can’t get past even scrolling through old pictures, how am i ever gonna build the strength to delete them? sometimes my memory willl just rewind the times u held me close, the times when ull end each and every of ur sentence with I LOVE YOU, yes with enthusiasm and all. and whenever my mind does that, i get dragged into this pit full of darkness. reminds me of tartarus; and just like tartarus no one ever survives from it- so i dont. i struggle to fight each day, counting days since u left me to hold my own hands and to stand by my own. i think what hurts me the most is when i remember the promises we made to each other. god the lump in my throat is swelling right now, i wish ud feel it too.

remember how u promised me forever, how everytime i wake up from a bad dream ull be there, telling me it’s alright and telling me that no matter what happens, ure gonna stick by my side NO MATTER WHAT!! remember how for now was our anthem and 17?? remember our promise to not give up on each other? remember all of that? i guess u dont remember all of that since it seemed so easy when u let me go. no heaviness, no regrets. u were just determined to get rid of me.

i wish u knew how hard u broke me that night. all our dreams, crushed. hopes, shattered. there was no light. yet there were more promises. “ sayang, i just want you to know that at the end of the day. i’ll find u” words i held on for days not knowing if u actually mean it. dont know how much thats worth to u now. another bullcrap?? not surprised!! promises are meant to be broken right?? u said ull come back then a few weeks later “dont hope for much”. shit fucking hurts dude. and how u just forgot i existed, just like that. like how can u not miss it at all. were u just pretending all this while? was it all for show, was it superficial?

THE AMOUNT OF QUESTIONS I HAVE FOR YOU.. dont even get me started. when did u fall out of love? what was i lacking? was it me? was i suddenly not worth anything anymore? was it easy for u? do u think about me often? do u find it hard to sleep? how often do u cry to sleep? do u even grieve over me? do u wake up in the middle of the night crying over the same voice and face visiting? because i did. i lay awake, wondering where was my fault and flaw in what we had. was i too hard to love? am i just not worthy enough? did i ask for much? AM I NOT FUCKING WORTH IT??? where do is stand in ur ife? why didnt i love u harder? if only i understood u better. if only i didn’t want to call u ever night. if only i didnt love u too much. so many ifs. these were what was spiralling inside me for weeks. still is if ure wondering though i doubt u do. u dont give a shit.

do u wanna know about my nightmares, the bad dreams i woke up to about u? the voices in my head? how i break down in the middle of nowhere as my head replays the exact words u said when u dumped me?? how i wake up crying from the same dream about u leaving?? i hate that i let u in so deep. i hate that i keep reminiscing all our better days when u clearly left me alone when i needed u the most. i hate that i let u break me this bad. i hate that despite all that i have said, despite all the rage and hate, i hate that i understand. i understand how hard this is all to u. i understand how bad ud feel knowing u break someone this bad. i hate that despite everythig uve done, i still cant unsee the good in ur heart. i hate that despite ur absence i still cant find ways to unlove u.

i pray to god everyday to heal me, to fix each and every of my broken parts inside me.

i also pray to god for ur contentment and happiness, for the burdens u carry to feel lighter without me around. i also pray that He eases ur journey in whatever ure going through. i pray that He’ll take care of u now that i am not allowed to do that anymore. and i hope He granted all of it. i hope He hears me. especially because i want u to feel better, i know how dark it must’ve been for u. i never thought it would come to this. we were so happy. no red flags whatsoever.

of course i also hope ure suffering. i hope guilt drains ur life out of u everyday. i hope it hurts u as much as it hurts me. in spite of everything, of course i also wish u well.

i don’t know if there will ever be days when i can unfeel ur absence again, when the sudden pain doesnt come anymore. i dont know if im ever gonna be okay but heres to everything ive been keeping inside of me. now out at last.

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oh-theatre · 4 years

Note

Patton hcs that involve him struggling with adhd?

OFC! Get ready for some MAJOR projecting because I have ADHD and Pats my boi!

Making friends is hard enough for him but keeping them is even harder.

He hyperfixates so much and it gets him down because he can’t do anything about it

He cannot sit still! He bounces, shakes, fidgets so much and people are constantly telling him to stop and he cant

You cant tell what his mood will be. Sometimes he’s super social but sometimes talking is just way too hard for him

He takes meds but they make him incredibly nauseous and he cant eat

He can’t focus and he knows he should be but he cant make himself and so he just feels incredibly guilty

Slight disapproval literally gets to him so bad, he spirals

Sensory overload is his best friend

He has so many mental breakdowns, everything is just too much

He wants to do something so bad but he physically cannot make himself get up and go do a certain thing and he just gets so incredibly frustrated with himself

He gets bored super easily and its hell because he wants to do some much and wants to do something but instead, he just sits and it makes him crazy

He cant do one thing only, he has to be doing at least two things. If he’s writing, he’s watching TV. He must do!

Wait your brain isn’t constantly talking and firing things?

“Wow! You have ADHD! You’re so quirky” *holding a cup of coffee, bags under his eyes* “Please no words”

Hi tired, I’m bored

TIME ! MUST PLAN TIME ! If something starts at 8 am?? Gotta leave at 7 even though it only takes 10 minutes to get there

Checking the clock all the time? Why yes he does indeed. Splitting up the time into fragments, but ofc.

If your name is Patton and you cant focus on the video topic raise your hAND.

O V E R S T I M U L A T I O N

You ever feel like youre being forgotten and your just a speck of nothingness in this infinite world of people who have accomplished more than you ever will and your dreams are nothing *Deep breath*

I love him and projecting my ADHD onto him? But ofc nonnie!

#PLEASE SEND ME MORE STUFF #marias mischief #patton sanders #adhd #sanders sides #anon

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otherworldliness · 4 years

Text

I R O N M O U N T A I N

I walked up to the pens through the canted storm glow into the cathedral of dust the horses built over themselves with the wind and their circling and their eyes blazed that orange like the day's last light into the arena and threw their shadows around them and flickered and I got the work because how I edged up to the black and white one that likes to be a ass sometimes and I walked him down with him feinting side to side to side while his mane got all tangled in the glowing gusts and I stretched out my arms and backed him until he was in the corner but he didn’t run and I spoke to him and touched his neck flicking and nervous like lightning and when I got my arms gentle around his face and held it to my chest I could whisper to him there and I kept whispering until all suddenly the winds died down in him and the storms stilled and all their voices went quiet I can’t always make it happen like that but sometimes I can Mr. Moses walked up to me all

who the fuck are you and I said

hey Boss and he looked at me for a few seconds and he said

you run a saw and I said

sure can and he said

good I don’t need no more cowboy wahoos round here and I said

y’all got a room and he said

feed these horses and come up to the house and I said

OK Boss

at the headquarters Mauricio had Chile Colorado stewing in the big pot on the stove and he turned and looked at me and knew who I was but I gave him the sign and he acted like we were strangers nobody else was there from before Mr. Moses was drinking a beer and he said

what’s your name and I said

Major and he looked at me like what kind of name is that but he shook my hand and said

Major I’m William Moses and I said

good to meet you Boss

and he introduced me to Mauricio and Mauricio shook my hand and smiled at me and Mrs. Moses was in the living room reading the Sunday comics and listening to Emmylou on the record player and I knew right away we’d be pals Moses put me in the same room I used to share in the summers with John when the ranch was ours and I put my bag down on the boards of the floor and pulled the silver raven out of it and put it under the loose board so I could dream but then I remembered you and I had to sit down on the bed real hard and hold myself to keep all of my secret night from spilling out

I got up in the morning dark and turned the light on and the room was cool from the windows being open and the late August dark coming in and I pulled on my pants and shirt and boots and walked into the kitchen where Mauricio and Mr. Moses and another man stood smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee around the table and Mrs. Moses had a skillet full of eggs and sausage and their cigarette smoke whorled up around the tines of the elk antler chandelier over the table and Mrs. Moses said

Major this is CB

and I shook hands with the man who was skinny and tall as a Sotol bloom and Mr. Moses turned to Mauricio and said

you know the old fence at the west end with all those holes and Mauricio said

yessir and Moses said

why don’t you and Major go out there and fix that up we’re gonna need to move the mares over there pretty soon and Mauricio said

will do

the truck bumped along the road with the windows down and the morning light in the dust behind us bluer than prayer and Mauricio said still looking up over the road

I heard about Elle and I said

oh and looked down at the knees of my blue jeans because how there was always a silver knife chopping around in my heart and he said

I’m sorry Major are John and your parents OK and I said

we’re all about making it and he said

do they know you’re here and

my voice went away and he put his hand on my shoulder and took his old felt hat off the dashboard and put it on and I whispered

I’ll tell them

and we got out of the truck and he handed me some Mooremakers and we cut all the old wire down off the fence and rolled it up and put it in a big blackred mess on the bed of Mauricio’s truck and it scourged our shirts and raised up dark rusty scars and we pulled out the bright lines of new cable across the expanse and tied them onto the far H brace and hooked up the comealong and stretched them off the ground and made it where you could tap them and they’d sing wavy as Hank’s yodel and we tied them off to the close H brace and slicked them up to the posts and stays and Mauricio sang and two Prairie Falcons called down at us from where they held at the edge of a cloud

Mauricio and I redid fences for a month before Mr. Henry visited the ranch for the first time it was hot in the day and our sweat puddled into our shirts deep to where the Tiger Swallowtails landed on us to water I didn’t know Mr. Henry was coming and on the way back when Mauricio turned up the big hill to the main house my heart started flutterskipping because how I hadn’t been there since you were still here and the world wasn’t so full of all its black horse music and my heart still sometimes had doe deer lain down in the shadows of its trees like secrets I whispered

where are we going and he said

to say howdy to Mr. Henry

I looked up the hill and didn’t think I could be there but he said

he’s not a bad one Major

we pulled up into the gravel lot and the house swept out from us like a white bird to the cliff edge and the oak trees swayed huge around it in the light wind

Mr. Henry and Mr. Moses sat on the porch looking onto the valley below and when Mauricio and I walked up Mr. Henry stood and shook my hand and he said

James Henry and his voice was deeper than bullbellow and I looked up and said

Major

he looked at people that slow way like he actually saw them and his eyes were quiet and held me strong so that none of the ocean of night inside me had to leak out even though I was at our house and he turned to Mauricio and shook his hand and while I sat there and Mr. Henry and Moses talked I could feel your words coming off the white stucco walls touching my face like quail down but I couldn’t hear what you said even though I tried and Moses said to me

Major

and my eyes startled up I’m always getting woken up from something and he said

Mr. Henry wants to know if you can cut some firewood for the house and I said

yessir and Mr. Henry said

good then I’m going to go take a drive around the ranch but you all come back up for some dinner a little later tonight

Mauricio drove and CB was with him up front and Moses and Mrs. Moses were in the backseat and I rode in the bed with the dogs and Rhett was up close at my legs with his long coat and his warm and they were playing the country station out of Stockton in the cab and it came out of the yellow glow of the radio and deer floated over the fences like spirits under the high beams in front of us as we moved up through the smell of piñon smoke to the house that was shaking beneath all the weight of night and there was the first chill of autumn and the truck stopped and the dogs poured out of the bed in front of me in a falls and circled round Mr. Henry’s big lab whining and pawing and I said

come on there pups

and jumped down and Mr. Henry had the long table on the porch set and a fire in the hearth that was wide so I could of lied down in it and the mouths covering the walls moved in the flickering light like they were trying to say something but no sound came out but I tried to read what they said but they all spoke different and I couldn’t see long enough to tell but Mr. Henry sat at the end of the table smoking a cigarette and drinking wine and when he greeted us he buried the dark under the deep of his voice

evening

and he shook hands with us and gave Mrs. Moses a hug

Sharon I’m sorry my wife couldn’t help you out of being the only woman at the table and she said

please I’m used to all these men

and he poured us glasses out of an old bottle and it was wine that was like a velvet blanket and I said

thank you and he said

sure thing Major and the dogs trotted back and forth silently along the edge of light and Mr. Henry said

Major can you get the steaks off the smoker and I said

yessir

he’d cooked good thick steaks and he scalloped potatoes inside and made a Caesar and I liked that he was that kind of man that made friends with the people who worked for him and while we ate the dogs came one by one and laid down in the firelight that stayed bright because of how CB was nearest the hearth and kept throwing logs crushing onto the coals when it burned down and once I saw Mr. Henry watching the walls like he could see the mouths too but I wasn’t sure

Mr. Henry walked into the headquarters before leaving and said

you all got anything needs to go to town and Moses said

no sir and I said

give me a second and he said

I’ve got five

and I ran into my room and took out my book and wrote tell mom I’m ok on a page and tore it out and put it in an envelope addressed to John and ran back out and gave it to Mr. Henry and I said

thanks and he said

sure thing Major

I cut out the fire killed oak for three months I only cut the best trees when it was that right point of evening when the wind was always just right and the light would turn purple and flow down through the hills like water but I stopped cutting before any night got into it and then I hauled the wood down the mountain because that’s how he asked and I took the trunks and the thick boughs that hadn’t got burnt up but just got killed and I logged them and the logs that weren’t rotten I split and stacked and I got ten cords up against the adobe wall of the house before the night that I was out with Mr. Henry and Moses by the fire and everybody else was gone in and the first cold front of the year slid down over the land and sent the sparks from the fire spiraling southward about our legs and against the canvas of the coats we had on to keep out the shards from the cold and the Iron Mountain hulked further south still and we watched it pull the stars down close to it but it always stayed dark even though it took more of the light than we could and Moses was asleep in his chair so that it was just me and Mr. Henry and we’d drunk enough whiskey where our eyes turned to amber and opened up and could see the ghosts of the iron oaks up there swaying in the wind like silk and glowing darkly and he said softly

can you see them Major and I whispered back

yessir

do you know why you see them and I said

no sir

I want you to cut some logs from it

how I asked

I don’t know he said and I whispered back

I think I can figure it out maybe and he said

I think maybe you can too

I moved to the little cabin off from the main house and I forgot the silver raven but it didn’t matter because I didn’t sleep anymore anyways because the day was too bright to be able to see the ghost oaks and I kind of stole Rhett from CB not like I did it but Rhett just started sticking with me and CB didn’t care because of all the other dogs stuck with him Mr. Henry told Moses how I was going to just report to him and Moses said

and I went up to the hills over the main house at night and tried with my chainsaw but it was like passing through air and I tried with my axe but it didn’t work either I kept going back but I didn’t know what to do and one day I got real sad and went down into the valley where the red oaks all bent like fire in the gusts of autumn and I strung all the biggest trees together with spiderweb to make a machine because I was trying to listen to heaven so I could hear you again but in the nights when I put my ear to it everything got all drowned by the clamor of God up there drunk and murmuring to himself in the dark and running into furniture I just wanted to hear you say goodnight like you used to I just wanted you to tell me again that I’m your good little brother and how you lovemelovemeloveme but I couldn’t hear you and the wind kept blowing and I laid down on the cold ground not remembering anything anymore except that you were here and now you are gone

I can’t figure out how I said into the receiver and he said

you can take a while and I said

alright and he said

just don’t worry too much about it and I said

OK I won’t and he said

are you doing alright out there in the cabin and I said

yessir Rhett stays with me and we keep that stove burning so it’s warm and he said

who’s Rhett and I said

he’s that red merle Aussie and he said

alright then Major I’m glad you’re keeping up I’ll see you all out there afterwhile

after we finished up dinner Moses asked me if I would shoot a deer in the morning early because he wanted to have some backstrap for when Mr. Henry came the next week and I said

I don’t have a gun and he said

you can use that 30 aught 6 I’ve got over there in the cabinet and I said

I’ll be up early

I walked down from my cabin later that night to the headquarters to grab a beer and when I opened the door into the kitchen CB was standing in the refrigerator light taking out a bottle and he said

you want one and I said

yes please

and he popped the tops and we sat down at the table in the dark and I said

where you from CB and he said

I grew up down 90 outside Sanderson and I said

so you’ve been out here the whole time and he said

I’ve been here for a while but not the Iron Mountain for long and I said

you’re family out there in Sanderson and he said

used to be but my dad died and my mom kind of split off after that I don’t really know where she is things fall down on this land kind of hard some times

and we sat in the dark and drank in silence for a while and he got up and the light spilled out of the refrigerator into the kitchen again and he got two more beers for us and I said

you know where the trapper piles up the bodies and he says

yeah what of it and I said

them all piled and stinking those bodies they’re all through us

but I could tell maybe he knew but he wasn’t going to say and he said

how old are you

and I said 18 but he knew that was a lie

he went and got us each another beer because we were drinking too fast and said

time for bed

yeah I guess I better

I’ll be around 5:00 to get you

and I shook his hand and walked up the trail to my cabin

the cold was ringing when I woke and I got up and put some kindling onto the coals in the stove and stacked some logs on that and blew the fire going and I put on my thermals and my pants and a shirt and zipped my coveralls on over everything and there was a knock at my door and Rhett stirred up whining from my blankets with the fire flicker in his eyes and I said

come on in

and CB walked in and said

morning and his voice made fog inside my room and he patted Rhett’s head and I said

howdee

and he poured me some coffee out of his Stanley and I pulled my gloves on and grabbed the rifle and slung it onto my shoulder and shut Rhett in the cabin and we drove out a ways and parked the truck and walked up onto the mountainside and CB said

you stay here and glass the valley and I’ll go around and watch that other side and I said

shoot a doe if you can

I nodded and lay down in the grass and watched out as the light came I kept having to switch my hands holding the binoculars because of how fucking cold it was and every time I stuck my right hand in my pocket I could feel the extra brass shells banded together to keep them from ringing

deer come out in the morning because of how they are the same color as it and you have to watch so careful because it’s like trying to see water in water but I finally got my eyes right so that I could see an old doe come through the dim and I took off my glove and switched the safety off and put the cross on her neck and the shell cracked open and the bullet went hurling out away from me to her

CB walked around from the other side of the hill when he heard the shot I don’t like killing deer because afterwards I can hear all that low thunder out of death’s horn and I try not to hear it but I can’t not after I brought it and I remember you telling me how it was what made the dogs whine in their sleep and how every now and again it gets loud so that car alarms go off in the streets I don’t like hearing the sound from it CB walked up and said

that’ll do

and we put a rope through her back ankles and pulled her up from the bough of an oak and cut her guts out and left them where they fell grey and steaming on the ground for the coyotes and CB said

Mauricio will make us some chili tonight and I said

hope so

and then I looked down at the bloody knife and I threw up on the dirt and CB just shook his head at me but I wiped my mouth off and got up and CB dropped the doe into the grass under the tree and I picked her up and put her on my shoulders and he said

come on crazyass

and we walked back up to the truck and I put her in the bed and her eyes turned to frost from the inside

the next evening I was walking water line and I heard the elks bugling at each other and I looked but I couldn’t see them because how the grey was down on the earth but then all of a sudden I saw first one and then another big bull come out from the clouds and when they walked their antlers tore up the fog so that they dragged all these ribbons of emptiness behind them through the air and I knew how to cut the ghost oaks I don’t know how but I just knew and I ran back to the truck and drove to the house and I ran in past Mrs. Moses and she said

where are you off to

but I ran past and into the room and I pulled up the floor board and took out the silver raven and I went and jumped in the flatbed that had the welder on the back of it and I drove it over to the barn and I got my chainsaw and filed all the steel teeth off it and I cut the raven into little pieces with the torch and welded them onto my chain and filed the lumps sharper than the moonlight and then I went and sat by the forest and time changed I watched the sun rise and fall and rise and fall until I lost count

I got so skinny sitting there all those days I needed the milk of your voice I needed the warm bread of your words but finally I saw the night anchor pulling across the world and it caught on the Iron Mountain and the dark stayed and I took my saw onto the hill and found the stand of ghost oaks all dark and gusting in the wind and I walked to them and pulled the saw going and set the blade against one and blue sparks burst like little galaxies everywhere and the sparks went through me like I was the one that wasn’t there instead of them and I worked the long night through and I had to keep going back and welding on more teeth because the silver wore down so fast but I cut a little stack and laid it invisibly next to the other logs by the house and at the end I fell asleep beside the wood and Rhett was sleeping there too and the night closed all its eyes and came over close and lay down against us to keep us warm

I mailed Mr. Henry a letter

I figured out how to cut it

I made a silver blade

Moses let me take a truck into town and I pulled up to The Blues where there was a fire burning out of some shitty lumber stinking up the air and someone was singing old Marty Robbins inside and people were turning on the dance floor in quick circles through the spindled light that the disco ball hauled through the cigarette smoke and I walked over to CB and he slid me a bottle of Jack across the rough boards of the table and I slugged on it and slid it back and he said

look who’s out tonight and I said

howdee and he said

you gonna have a time and I said

might turn that way

and then the warm of the whiskey went through me and the world got soft and dark and I looked up and saw her there in the glow of the can lights and she looked all alone and quiet from the others and she wheeled from me and then back again and our gazes caught together across the room in the breeze from the song and I couldn’t even see who she was with but when I tried to look away our eyes got caught up like wind knots and I couldn’t turn she had on a dress covered in horses and the song ended and another fast one was on and it was just like that that she was in my arms and laughing and we turned like a dust devil all over the place and the horses went and bucked and galloped across the cloth plains of her dress and the sea of night inside of me flashed away for then because how she took my loneliness in her hands and pushed it away she said

lets get out of here and I said

OK and she said

come on then

and we ran out to the truck and drove west down 90 out there to old Nopal where the heavens push down hard on the earth and pulse and blaze and it was just us sitting there with the truck engine shaking and she kissed me so delicate that I couldn’t figure out what was happening how the softness hit me all brutal everything bunched up and the red lights flashing on us as that train went by in the night the horn blowing so loud that the dark got ripped away and the ground shaking and we were just alone there and it made it where I felt like horses loose on a highway or like moths like grass burning and there was all that flint in us that was rubbing along our ribs when we breathed and I thought it might have been light that filled us but I didn’t know for sure I never know for sure and then she took her dress off and her body was the moon and all at once the air filled with the ghost lights swarming and near and they circled round us like little stars and brought close their burning faces to whisper to us every name of night and they passed over again and we lay there holding together breathing like we’d run miles and we grasped to each other while our shadows turned circles around us always behind us to the lights and as fast as they were there they left again and the cab of the truck exploded into dark except for the soft waxing of her body

Lucia came out to the ranch the next weekend in her dad’s flatbed because I told her about the ghost oaks and she said

let’s burn some and I said

she drove out on one of those days where it was real cold out and the clouds were down low and were rubbing off on the hills so that the grass and trees turned silver and thick with frost I already went around with Moses breaking the ice off the water tanks and there wasn’t anything else to do because it was so damn cold

she came into the cabin and Rhett walked up against her leg with his head up so she could pet him

who’s this she asked

oh you mean Stinker Bell there

she’d sat down and Rhett was nuzzling up in her lap and she was making those noises at him that people make with dogs and I walked over to the ice chest and got us out some beer and brought it and gave it to her and I said

his name’s Rhett and she said

well hello Rhett and I said

he’s got two different color eyes

and she pulled me down with them and kissed me

I cooked venison and we ate and when we were done I went and got the logs from outside first I lit red oak and then I burned piñon and after that I lay the dark ghosts of the old iron oaks onto the bed of coals and I understood why he wanted me to cut them it makes the smell like a chapelfull of myrrh smoke but the warm of it doesn’t touch your skin or your face but it sounds into you and calls all the wild and tender things that hide high up on the game trails in your heart down and it makes the moon rise through the dark of you like a mother of pearl disc and all the creek beds in your soul fill up with cold water

we lay there naked in that warm on the Navajo rug in the cabin and the ghost fire came out of the stove like snow light and the small brown spiders crawled out to us through the shadows and wrapped us there in their silentest silks and we didn’t have to be afraid of anything anymore because how in that garb not even the night can see you

she stayed with me in the cabin for three nights and every word she said had a bunk where I could lay up and sleep for a night she’d say

Major

and take my hand and put it down between her legs where the warm ocean was only barely inside her and she would pull me down and as I rocked in and out of her our hearts sloshed back and forth so full of stars that death was with us too we got so close and I knew she couldn’t stay forever and that evening we walked outside and she washed the creek in her hair and then the stars got hold of her and tossed her nightward and she flew up and up and she didn’t fall and I knew how she had to leave because she was the moon but I’m getting too used to all these leavings

that night my dreams rode in in the dark their horses the color of flood water under a flashlight and the dreams breathed as hard as the horses and their breath got so hot when they whispered close it made my ears ring all I could hear was how God talked in symbols but I already knew that and I kept wincing away into my blankets because it was like when someone breaths real hard on a microphone turned up too loud but I wanted to hear but I couldn’t hear what they said and I whispered out to them

tell me if you can pray to just one part of God and maybe can He keep it secret from the other parts of Him like could I ask Him to open my dreaming eyes and help me find the heavens I hid in myself but lost

and my dreams bent their heads to me

but ask it from the gentle part of Him and not the part that’s always drunk and angry and would open all my eyes and then burn nightmares into them forever

and my dreams leaned in close

like sometimes He seems to like answering prayers as mean as He can and I just want to find the God that’s actually better at being good than us not just the one that says He is

and my dreams put their heads against my head and ran their fingers through my hair until I fell to sleep in sleep

the next afternoon I saw the fire start I knew it was coming because how the ground was so dry it smelled like rain even when I pissed it was the storm with no rain that did it I tried to stop it I said to the wind and I said to death and I even said to God but none of them were listening I was cutting cedars on the hill but I saw all the smoke column up and I dropped the saw and ran down the road and I ran so fast that my breath fell behind and I took off my coat and kept running and my mouth tasted like it got full of pennies and I found CB but I couldn’t say anything and I had to hunch over there to let my breath catch up with me

you crazy fucker he said

but I caught my breath and I told him and he said

where and I said

by the gate

he was in a valley fixing up a hole in the fence but he climbed the hill with me and he saw the smoke because the fire got big while I was running and he said

how the fuck did that get started and I said

I tried to stop it it was the storm I tried to make it go away but he said

nevermind

and ran down the hill and started his truck and raced up the road to go get the firemen I guess and I ran down the hill after him but now my legs felt funny and I said

shit

and had to slow down but I kept trying to go fast so I could find Moses but the sun started sliding down and the edge hit the earth and the fire got bigger and even though it was night now the wind kept rising and the smoke made my head ache and behind me the mountains flickered and in front of me the tree shadows swung around in the light but then I had to stop because the hills turned into a gold river and my eyes were spinning around and I had to sit down and make the world stop so I could go again and then it stopped and I ran up to the headquarters where there wasn’t a light on and I knocked on the door anyways but no one was inside and I kept turning around to see the fire get bigger and the smoke smash against the Iron Mountain

prow of the earth I whispered breathlessly up to it

I couldn’t let the house burn I had to not let it burn Elle got born there and when we were young and she’d never been too jealous of the dead she would laugh so loud and blazing white as the stars that the rooms and the halls would get full and silver and you could see them there glowing if you were out in the night and it would bring you back from whatever trouble sort of thing you were about and now after I got all the rivers in me full up with tears it’s the only place left where I can go hear the shadows that her laughing cast and not have to feel sadforever

I ran up to the dozer and tried to start it but it didn’t start because the batteries were dead because nobody had driven it since who knows but the flatbed was there so I brought it over and turned the welder on and I put the ground on the black and the lead on the red and turned the key of the dozer and the engine rolled over like a fuckcrazy horse and the lead off the welder made burning stars shoot all over the place from the battery and I jumped down on the flatbed to turn the welder off but it was already stalled

piece of shit I yelled at it

and jumped back up on the Cat and put it in reverse and gunned it because bulldozers run fastest backwards I don’t know why but it still wouldn’t go fast enough but I turned it towards the house and the tracks that had got rusty sitting there were polished like mirrors after the heavy thing touched them on the ground and I could see the stars that were living in them and the flint under the treads burst out with sparks to light my way

I got up to the house that was glowing clear white like the moon even though the fire snaked next to it huge and orange and the smoke flowed over the hills like the world was coming apart and the wind pushed the grasses into waves and the fire was twice higher than the house when I came up and spun the dozer the treads shrieking like giant barn owls and dropped the silver blade into the earth and rammed a wide swath of clean dirt between the house and the fire and the engine all low down growled and the turbo whined and the exhaust went dark in the dark and filled the woodsmoke air near the house with diesel smell and I screamed

COME ON FUCKING COME ON

and I got one break down when the fire got there and a second break started and everything was swirling and full of bright and dark but the fire jumped my line into the meadow by the house and I tried to chase it but the wind turned it huge so I couldn’t chase it and the flame surrounded me and I killed the dozer in the middle of the firebreak and jumped down and ran into the courtyard of the house hoping that the walls would hold long enough for the flames to pass but the oaks were too huge and hot and the herd of bright red horses ran all along the floors up the walls and set the paintings on fire and I went to the fountain to lay inside it but the fountain was empty and I yelled to you

HELP ME

but I couldn’t hear you and I turned to the flames

no please no

and I ran out the back of the house but the flames were at every side and I jumped out off the deck over the cliff into the night below and I dropped and dropped and went through some tree to the ground and my head spun to darkness

I found the rock pool at the edge of the meadow that’s never in the same place twice and I got in the cool water and drank the bottle of whiskey from the stone edge and my liver turned to ember and glowed into the water and you walked into the dark gold light like from out of nothing and I knew you were my dream but how it didn’t matter and the stars still saw your face and got drunk off it and I watched them lose their ways and stray through the black up there staring down at you and you said you could talk to me for the night only but that was all and I thought that was ok it was ok and all again you held me and I was shaking but all I could tell you was about how I keep trying to build the heaven in myself so you can come be with us again but I have to make sure it’s hidden enough that it doesn’t get broken but how it’s so hard because I keep not being able to find it after I hide it and I have to start all over again and you whispered to me

it’s okay Major it’s alright

and your voice was quieter than smoke so I could hear and I heard you but I couldn’t keep you there and I wanted so bad to keep you there

I woke late the next evening and I heard CB and Mauricio yelling my name on the cliff top and I whistled back to them and Rhett ran down the hill to me and licked my face where I lay and they came down and CB said

you crazy motherfucker and I said

I think my ribs are busted

and he looked at the cliff and he said

yeah I bet they are

and they helped me up and half carried me and lay me on the back of the truck and my sides pulsed like shards of suns when I breathed and the house was burnt and smoldering and Mauricio got into the pickup bed with me while CB drove slow down to headquarters that was still there and they had the horse trailer hitched in the driveway I think they all thought I’d died or something because Mrs. Moses ran out crying and Moses told me how they’d followed the dozer tracks up there in the night and yelled and how I hadn’t said anything back and I said

I guess I was sleeping

my head ached so bad with all the night crashing around in it and Moses said

we got to get these horses out of here but they’re kicking up a storm in that trailer and I said

it’s because they got too much fire into their eyes and they all looked at me like they always look at me but I got off the truck and limped through the yard under all the stars that were falling in flurries now and I got up into the trailer with the horses and they stilled down and I said

close that up and keep the light on in here

and they did it and the fastener screeched as they pushed it down into place and the truck started up and I was surrounded with the heavy smell of the horses and I leaned against the black mare and winced at the bumps and all the stillness in the horses asleep in the lit trailer hauling through the dark filled me up and I could feel the massiveness of heaven just out there heaving breath in and out and how alive it was and how I just had to find a pure place to put it into the world and then we just had to believe in it and love each other even though we’re all the ruined but we still can love even though our hearts are wrecked and that’s what I had to know so I whispered every heaven that I could find to the mare and I thought that the ocean of her heart would keep them safe but I didn’t know anything for sure I never know anything for sure

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garecc · 5 years

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You know, with everything that it turned out that Apollo was pushing down, all of his fears, his anxieties, everything he didn't want to think about or acknowledge as true - with how much he pretended, even though he actually has one of the best support systems among the Olympians, it makes me wonder: what are the other gods keeping concealed? Both from others, and from themselves? What do you think?

kdhfkladhflkashfhasl okay so this is one way to get me to spew my headcanons all over my blog

well in canon?

Hermes. Hermes. Hermes is stressed and hurting and he feels like shit over may and luke and while he isnt really hiding it hiding it he;s still kinda ignoring it.

And fuckog Hell ares ares has terrible ptsd and claustrophobia and like people know but like He Would Die Before Talking About It

Dionysus. Dio is. Well, he’s stuck in camp for 50 years. And i think he said he cant see his wife, Ariadne. He misses her so much and that impacts why he’s such a bitch to the campers.

Gosh im already leaning into headcanons arnt I

Okay

okay

Hermes. This is. Pure headcanon now godsh. So like. This dude is terrified of being hated. He’s terrified of fading. He never fucking tells Apollo shit anymore. He’s grossly overworked and is incapable of forcing himself to take a day off. He never sleeps, and hardly ever paused to eat a full meal. Rather just drinking nectar as he works. He uses caffeine to speed up his ability to process energy. Its gotten to a point where if even one thing goes wrong it Freaks Him Out because it ruins the next months and months of things he has set p and its more work and time he doesn't have to reschedule things. He’s exhausted and tired and he hardly had any time to do anything. Random godly meetings Ruin Things and he has crises over things taking mere seconds longer than they are supposed to. His internal clock goes down to milliseconds. Dudes a mess. He also has a fear nobody actually loves him and he cant like Ask For Reassurance because He Doesn't Have Time For That

and hecking ARTEMIS MANshe’s a MESS half the time??? Gosh the trust issues from Orion and the very real terror of her companions dying without her there to help leads her to loving and caring about all her hunters from a distance. Once of the reasons she but Thalia as her lieutenant, was because its a Dangerous Position and she would rather have someone she isn’t as attached to in it than someone she is. Like Zoe. God Zoe. Her death hit Artemis like a truck. So did Phoebe’s death. Phoebe was there after Orion and dhklasfdhlkfsdh and she and Artemis were close dude. and like what happened with Atlas h a u n t s her. She doubts others and herself c o n s t a n t l y. The only people she trust trusts anymore are Apollo and Leto even then she doesn’t was to burden her mother with her Big Issues and Apollo has enough issues himself he doesnt need to worry about her too. Orion crushed her ability to really trust men (excluding Apollo and Hermes). But she trusted Hippolytus after and THAT came crashing down because he died and Asclepius brought him back and that helped lead to Asclepius’s death and WOw is she TERRIFIED of something like that mess happening again and gosh being trapped holding the sky waiting for Apollo to come for her and he didnt and he didnt r e a l l y shook her faith in him and while thats over and she still trusts him there is always that voice in the back of her head like “He didnt come for you are you sure you can trust him?” and she does she d o e s because everything else he’s done for her stacked against that makes that one thing almost meaningless but he didnt come and that messes with herShe has so many regrets and so many fears and she never really talks to anyone anymore.Its. Real hard to earn her trust. She trusted Orion. She trusted him. And he wanted her sexually. The one thing she swore to never do. The one thing she was certain she never never never never never never never never wanted. And then he got frustrated and she killed him because he was going to rape her.And SO MUCH and she finds it really hard not to fear that others would be like that. Hippolytus wasnt, he was aroace like her and she didnt fear him at all but then he died and it spiraled into Asclepius’s deathAnd she was never sure if Apollo was ever even mad that she had a hand, however small in his death and While Apollo never ever blamed her she’s TERRIFIED that he migh have

who else who else

uhhh hmmm Well all of the original gods spare Zeus all are quite traumatized from being eaten as infants. And while they didnt really hide it thats a thING

sjkadklfskldhfklash

#rape mention tw #rape tw #Artemis #Hermes #Apollo #Ares #Ask #Anonymous

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1010qt · 4 years

Text

i gave you everything and you couldnt give respect and consent and space

i dont reapond well to being cornered

sometimes i need to take a breath

I need sleep i dont wanna do coke rn

I ask for too much by asking to be held and listened to

Im bad at listening when i shoupd be unconscious

im so tired this is all so stressful

why dont i get to feel

why is it always about what people think

why cant you deescalate

why would u physically block someone from leaving

why would you shout at someone whos telling you they need a minute to breathe

why would you run across glass that was thrown to keep you away

why would beg for iodine when thwres a first aid kit in the kitchen

why would you not use a bowl full of watwr

why did u need to be in my space

why do you like to fight

why do you do so much coke you dont feel or listen just shout

why cant you prioritise us over being right or finding the truth

why do my feelings have to be so small and specific

why cant i feel big like you

why do my memories always have to be correct

why am i a bad person when im wrong even though ill admit it and just say im hurt and confused

why do i have to be perfect when youre a dick

whyd you prioritise not coming down over calming down

whyd you choose righteous anger, the rush of a fight, and some shitty coke over me

deescalating

asking for space

giving you love

trying to prevent yoy from making this more than it needed to be

trying to give back the love i felt

I felt so loved when you listened and didnt go crazy even though we talked about stuff you did tjat wasnt right

it felt light and free again like when we first met

a weight lifted

and you just spiraled

couldnt handle not being perfect even when someones begging to hold you and love you and tell you youre worth it

first i was just asking to be held while i fell asleep

im sry i didnt listen to you needing space

i just wanted to hold you until the tension softened in ur face

until i got sleep

I wanted to smoke myself and sleep in the tub

so you could watch stuff in bed and do wjat you needed to do

you wouldnt let me be peaceful

so i stopped trying

i have hard boundaries

im used to people shitting on them

when i dont get wjay i need when i rly need it

I will push in any way possible

self preservation ya know

im rly good most days

ill work and clean and give love and give head and try to be understanding

wear makeup and go out w ur friends

Come up with date ideas

tell you youre evsrything

Deescalate in stress

Tell you what i need not what i want

the illusion of safety to discuss my feelings is just an illusion if you cant handle it to where you wont respext a 'can you talk instead of yell' and 'can you give me space to just smoke for a sec' or 'can i be alone in the bathroom' or 'can i have quiet for a sec' and hyperfixate on details like its a lawcase and not your girlfriend whos sad

i just wanted to be held when i was telling you the truth about how ive been trying to love you past ur flaws

i wouldnt have done that if i knew how bad things would get

i also just get rly sad and weepy when i dont sleep and dont do uppers

i didnt start screaming i got progressively louder

when i didnt get what i needed to feel safe

my dad used to treat me like this

its inconsiderate

ur not a bad person

i still love you

im just very hurt

i wont tell anyone about any of this or deny that it happened

i wont just leave for a high or a new boy

i just need to smoke and take some time

my dreams and hopes need time to readjust

i dreamt too much

i love rly hard

I love you

Take care of you pls

0 notes

pokefanbri · 4 years

Text

https://www.facebook.com/104057744428568/posts/156998459134496/?sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=e

Fucking told him its a huge red flag if someone doesn't get rid of their apps. Multiple apps. Smh 😠 "oh yea i don't use them anymore" proceeds to use fb dating app" for real come on bro!

Some comments of the post:

"If you have to be checking up on your Partner then you shouldn't be with that person.. Idk how people have time for all this .. love yourself and know your worth.."

"If you're in a serious committed exclusive relationship you should not be on tinder. That's how I met my fiance and as soon as we said we are gf and bf and exclusive we both deleted it. Honestly if I was her I would have broken up with him too"

"a person also has a right to trust their gut feeling and check things out if something's not feeling right. Knowledge is power"

I've already discussed this but this news clip further validates my point of the topic, nothing more. I could call him out on hs bs further with detail, but I won't....yet, out of respect even though he probably doesn't deserve it. Til he reaches me & apologizes for everything he's done, i can say whatever tf I want & i could make a whole damn list.

Its the events of this what happened that started our downfall to begin with cuz i didn't trust him & he didn't even try to gain it back just left it as is when I could've turned my back right then & there, no apology either. Didnt apologize much actually, not even when i last saw him. But from then we spiraled & he got bored of me. I wasn't giving him what he wanted in whatever way & he wanted to find more. Closed himself off from the beginning & that created his boredom 😒

Would've had a blast together like a normal fucking couple if he was less closed off, & wouldn't have felt the need to do shit behind my back.

I'll stop talking about it for now, I have the anger & urge to keep going but I wont...actually no Screw it im pissed 😡 but ill keep it light. Its just not fair, I did so much for him but I was disrespected in different aspects of the whole relationship. Fuck! I've talked about the positives alot cuz i do love him..but the negatives are such bs too.

I want a good ass sincere apology for all of it so I can forgive him & move on, ive already apologized myself even though I dont think I should have to 😒. Didnt even give me a straight answer for the breakup, it was always a different excuse when I know he just wanted to pursue other women without me around im not fucking stupid. His own toxicity was too much even for himself & I was in the line of fire, to where i was the toxic one? No fuck that its unacceptable, he always lied when it came to covering his own ass.

For all i know he's watching me squirm & taking pleasure in all the pain I'm going through over him cuz he likes the attention. But no I actually don't think so on that one he's still good & ill give him credit where its due. But I gave him all the attention he wanted/needed & still wanted more from someone else. Really dude fucking really!?

Man up & own up to your mistakes, speak to me where I can actually hear ur voice speaking back to me with sincerity. We'll apologize together. Yea ull be pissed about this, but after u get over it & calm down. Give in & call me, granted when ur ready, & open up for once in your damn reserved life. Itll help us both with more closure & may even take a weight off our shoulders if we just talk it out, no arguing...since we're done there's no point anyway..a friendly non judgment zone cuz idc, i won't think of u any less.

U confused me during & especially after the relationship cuz i didnt know who u really were, i know the good cuz that's what u allowed me to see, ive accepted the bad that I knew already & from what ive learned...i accepted u regardless.

I always forgave u & not cuz im passive, cuz forgiveness is what the Bible teaches.. ive forgiven u & myself the best i could especially with the last things ive showed u, (accept this part cuz im pissed rn & standing up for myself, ill delete eventually maybe if u ask cuz nobody wants to be seen any less of a person. but I can make it alot worse, calling me the mistake was the worst thing u ever said to me & pointing out your faults so u can be better throughout the relationship was my only toxicity to u) we actually never really fought except the 1 time, just argued a tiny bit rarely about little things.

Ive tried using every ounce of my courage to show u how much im sorry for any wrong ive done. but its up to u now to make things right. U know me, ive always said that u can talk to me about anything. I want to be able to trust again & move on whilst staying friends. What else do u have to lose, might even have a great heart to heart convo dude to dudet

Everything ive ever said up to this point lies all my Questions. But here's most of the list, we both were equally in control of the relationship. Maybe u didn't want me to? But doing everything I had to for myself & the household, what u & ur parents wanted of me & just me being me cuz i had to, u had your own part to play & did provide...but did u actually not want me to cater to u if it were a sign u were lazy or something? Like did u not feel worthy of me? What is it u think is my "addicting personality" that isn't fixable on the surface? What is it really that u didnt like about me? This is why i don't have closure, u left me like this, confused as well as wanting more since u held back so much. Was that on purpose to give me even more false hope & want me to pine over u? Did u ever or do u still, love me at all? What did u want from me & out of the relationship, what was the purpose of it from ur perspective & why do u think i couldn't give that to u? What did i lack that u felt compelled to not tell me so I could improve & vise versa so we both could improve? Why wouldn't u allow me to help u become a better man when (I shouldnt have to btw), its exactly what u wanted but maybe didnt see it? Do u realize your own faults even as u do them? Lol. Like i genuinely want to know as much as the good ive seen, cuz to be better the more open of a person u are the more u understand yourself too.

Unless claiming u want to be a better man is part of ur alluring charm in love bombing process to land a caring girl on purpose lol...god I hope not, that would just mean u rinse & repeat like a for real narcissist 🤔 seriously tho look into that im not even kidding, im asking cuz i care. Im pissed now but 1 thing is that im trying to not put ur behavior against u cuz maybe u can't help it, its just the way u are, all ive seen & experienced points to maybe 50% of u lol. Ive always suspected narcissism, a real psych problem that might be worth looking into. But yea 1 of the reasons especially why im so forgiving & trying not to put it against u, why i still care despite u being a dick lol. I chose to look past it, all the time & up to now cuz I understand what its like to have psychological ailments. The worst part about it is most dont realize it, so i encourage u to do some research & self reflection & admitting it to urself are the 1st steps. Okay? There's different kinds & levels to being 1 too, i found that fascinating. bryan is definitely a different type, ur more lighter than that...definitely not the worst which is the physical harm type. Trust me its worth finding out more about yourself, just dont use it to ur advantage in a bad way but i trust u to do right & grow. Not sure a discarded supply (ie me) has ever tried telling a narcy what they might be for the benefit of their own self awareness 🤔,idk if its ever been done, but theres a 1st for everything? U can find alot on it in quora digest alone but Google is also ur friend.

You always were worth every effort of mine to help u in any way to be happy, & i was most happy when u were. U mean alot to me still, its the effect u had on me, I was under ur spell lol its hard to rid myself of it still, not sure when it'll pass. I chose to see it as a gift rather than a curse, that ur effect on me is still so strong when I shouldn't give a damn. If u really are a narcy, then I understand & don't put alot against u cuz its just the way u are & i need to accept it, but if it somehow helps u to help yourself cuz of it, then whats the harm? But, even in doing this or having my socials public for u...maybe just feeds into what u want...i still dont care, I want u to see how bad or good im doing without u in my life, so u know im okay at least. U promised friendship, least I can do is allow u to keep tabs on me too we spoke of, on my end of things.

The 18th of June was the last time i saw u. It'll soon be a month ago in about a week & a 1/2 & your birthday would mark 2 months. Cant believe we couldn't even last through to that 😔

Mark my words playa I will be contacting u on that day lol. Can't ghost your homie forever sweetie

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fanficimagery · 7 years

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Anonymous said: Do u do monty imagines bc i rly need more of him + Anonymous said: Please give me more monty i cant get enough

Author's Note: Because some of you asked so nicely.. enjoy my attempt at Montgomery. Also, much thanks to @jayadoreee for creating 'Dating Montgromery Includes' headcanons that sparked the idea for this ;) One headcanon in particular had me laughing, but as I was listening to a couple of songs.. inspiration struck! So go listen to 'Gangsta' and 'Crazy in Love' to get a feel of the mood I was in when writing this XD

MONTY X READER

Montgomery de la Cruz. There was a lot to be said about this bad boy, a lot to dislike about him as well, but given that he's been your boyfriend for the last eight months.. well you mustn't find him all that terrible.

But that wasn't the case once upon a time. Once upon a time you sneered at his attempts to intimidate fellow students, told him to fuck off one too many times to count, and even shoved him off Alex once when they got into one of their monthly fist fights.

His cruelty lessened when he turned his sights on you and every time you went to tell him off, you found that your amusement would spike. He noticed it, too, if his attempts to get a rise out of you almost everyday were anything to go by. Every curse you spewed at him was then followed by a smile and roll of your eyes instead of a sneer, and you found that Monty had wormed his way beneath your skin without even realizing it until it was too late.

The first time he asked you out, you had laughed in his face and walked away. The second time, you thought it over and rejected him with a joke, but the third.. the third time was the charm.

There was something genuine about his request the third time he sought you out, about the way he willingly took the jabs from his jock friends without lashing out at them that made you decide to give him a chance. You then ended up giving him several chances after that since his anger used to get the best of him and you were constantly bickering about his bullying tendencies, but he soon cooled off and mellowed out much to your pleasure.

Because if it wasn't for Monty, you wouldn't have flourished and opened up in ways that you never expected you were capable of doing. That and you never would have realized just what kinks you had.

"Hey, babe, ready to go?" Monty leans tiredly against the bleachers after baseball practice- hat worn backwards, shirt soaked with sweat and duffel bag hanging off one shoulder. "It's hot."

"Yeah. Let me just pack up."

You quickly shove your textbooks and spirals back into your book bag, standing up and hopping down the stairs. Monty waits for you at the bottom, automatically taking your hand into his as he walks you to his vehicle. He's not one for public affection unless it's in a joking, teasing manner in front of his friends, but you don't really care to be all over him in front of anyone anyway.

Once situated in his jeep though, you both lean over the space separating you and meet each other halfway. The kiss is slow and languid, his tongue slipping into your mouth to caress yours. His teeth catch your bottom lip then and he bites down with just enough pressure to make you groan as he pulls back. His darkened gaze holds nothing but promises for a fun time later, and you momentarily wonder how the hell this boy is ready to go after a grueling day under the sun.

"You're showering before anything happens," you say, voice already thick with want.

He smirks. "God bless mothers who nag their husbands enough until he gets off his ass and takes her to Vegas. You're spending the night with me tonight."

Your gut warms in anticipation and you clench your thighs to ease the sudden throbbing when his hand lands just above your knee and slowly inches towards your inner thigh. "Yes, sir," you airily breathe and then chuckle darkly when he groans in return.

The drive to your house is as fast as possible without tempting law enforcement to pull you guys over. You leave your bag in Monty's vehicle, knowing you'll need it tomorrow, and make quick work of rushing inside to pack an overnight bag and clothes for the following day. And then the last thing you do before leaving is change your current underthings for something more fresh and eye appealing.

You barely have time to shut the door to the jeep before Monty's peeling out, you laughing as he clenches his jaw and wraps his hands tight around the steering wheel to make sure you get to his house in one piece.

Since you're already familiar with the layout of Monty's house, you casually stroll about as he takes the stairs two at time to reach his personal bathroom. You laugh at his retreat, grabbing yourself a bottle of water from the fridge before making you're way up. Setting aside your belongings takes no time at all, so you make yourself comfortable by kicking off your shoes and putting on some music.

Monty soon returns, the only article of clothing he's wearing being a pair of jeans slung low on his hips. 'Gangsta' starts playing over the dock speakers, the beat of the song setting the mood right away and you gulp at the sight of water droplets traveling down his chest.

He smirks as he saunters towards you and you hesitantly stand to meet him halfway. "I have plans for you tonight, sweetheart."

Your eyes widen as your heart starts to thump faster and Monty rests his hands on your shoulders. His hands slowly travel down your arms until he reaches your hips, his hands then wandering towards your back and down to your ass, still travelling lower until he grips the back of your thighs in hand and lifts you up. Immediately your hands clasp together at the back of his neck and he chuckles deeply as he walks you around to the side of his bed before kneeling on the mattress and dropping you in the middle.

"Am I going to like these plans?" You ask, voice nearly a murmur.

"Y/N, you're going to love 'em."

His lips crash hungrily against yours, one hand diving into the hair at the nape of your neck. As he grips and pulls as hard as he dares, you moan aloud and allow him the chance to lick inside your mouth. It's hungry, yet passionate at the same time and your toes curl in anticipation.

Maneuvering you around so your back is towards the headboard, he pushes you down until you’re flat on your back and continues his nipping kisses down the side of your neck. "I know how much you enjoy my formal ties coming into play," he says, "but I got something a little different this time around.”

And it's true. You didn't think you'd be into the whole being tied up during sex, but something about Monty doing the tying up really got you going. Even more when Monty let you tie him up.

You don't realize what he's talking about until you find your wrists pinned together above your head, your eyes widening in surprise when you hear the jingle of chains. "Shh. Relax," he murmurs, nipping your chin. "It's not handcuffs."

No, it's not handcuffs, but it is leather cuffs that are linked to thin chains that are hidden between the headboard and mattress. "Fuck me," you mutter, feeling even more turned on than you were just seconds ago.

"That's the plan."

Your wrists are soon bound and you hiss when pull on them, the cuffs biting into the delicate skin. Monty chuckles as he slowly starts to slide your shirt up, groaning when he reveals black lace and then leaving your shirt as a blindfold over your eyes. You start to squirm as he trails kisses over the tops of your breasts, then trails his tongue down the center of your abdomen before sucking a bruise just above the button of your jeans.

"Monty," you whine. "Stop teasing."

"As you wish."

The button of your jeans is popped open, the material roughly yanked down your legs before your knees are spread and the warmth of his mouth covers your throbbing center.

♪♫My freakness is on the loose and running all over you. Please take me to places that nobody, nobody knows. You got me hooked up on the feeling. You got me hanging from the ceiling. Got me up so high I'm barely breathing. So don't let me, don't let me, don't let me, don’t let me go♪♫

With only a few hours of sleep, you find yourself waking up later than you normally wake up and rush to get ready for school. Monty merely rolls over and continues sleeping as you shower, you then finding him dressed and as smug as can be when you re-enter his room to finish dressing.

"Stop staring at me," you whine. "And hurry up. You know I hate being late for school."

"You look well fucked," he muses. "No matter how much you brush your hair or apply concealer, you look like you had a long night."

"Mhm. Thank you for that. Now Jessica isn't going to shut up today and she's going to want all the details."

Monty laughs as you pull him out of the room, kicking his back pack towards him as you grab up yours. You're in such a rush to get to the school that you don't realize until it's too late that you forgot to do something important. While you remembered to cover the hickies surrounding your neck, you completely forgot about the other two obvious marks.

"Hey, Y/N," Jessica muses, tucked happily into Justin's side as they stop by your locker, "why are yours wrists so red?"

You freeze, mentally berating yourself for forgetting to cover those. You slam your locker shut only to find Jessica and Justin grinning knowingly, but merely roll your eyes in return. "Don't ask."

#imagine #montgomery de la cruz #monty x reader #th1rteen r3asons why #13RW #fanficimagery

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