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queerly-autistic · 4 months

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You really can't engage meaningfully with Ed's story in S2 without firmly centring his mental illness and suicidality, because that's inherently what the story is: it's the story of a man having a severe mental breakdown and going to increasingly erratic extremes in order to achieve his end goal, which is to not be alive anymore...and then it's the story of his recovery from that.

And so much of my frustration with the way I see this being talked about (or, in many cases, not being talked about) reflects my more general frustration with how we talk about mental illness and neurodivergence, so buckle in because this got long (also I am going to be discussing suicide here, as well as very brief mentions of psychosis and ocd, so please take care). There's this trend when we talk about mental health: we go 'oh mental illness isn't an excuse' or 'mental illness doesn't make you do bad things' or variations thereof. These are, in my opinion, some of the worst things to ever happen to the discourse around mental illness. It's reductive. Absolutely mental illness can lead you to do things that you would not have otherwise done, even things that you would be absolutely appalled by, if you were mentally well. What do you think mental illness is if it's not something that impacts your brain and how your brain functions? If your mental illness doesn't directly lead to problematic behaviour, then that's fantastic, but that experience is not universal. It's not an 'excuse' - it's an explanation for certain behaviours that's vitally important to acknowledge and understand in order to try and mitigate harm.

There's also this thing that happens with discourse around mental illness where we assume that what you do in the grips of mental illness is reflective of something that's innate inside you. You were violent whilst in the middle of psychosis? Oh, it's because you're an innately abusive person and this just reveals who you really are. You have Tourette's and one of your tics is a racial slur? Oh, it's because you're an innately racist person and this just reveals who you really are. Your OCD is rooted in a fear that you're going to murder your family? Oh, it's because you inherently do want to murder your family and this just reveals who you really are. It's bullshit. What you do in your mentally ill state is not some deep philosophical reflection of your true character, and the idea that it is is something that causes really deep, dangerous harm to mentally ill and neurodivergent people.

So, now that that's over with, back to Ed.

Ed was behaving in ways that were acknowledged in canon as being extremely out of character whilst in the midst of a severe breakdown. Fang himself said that he'd 'never' seen Ed behave this way; even Izzy, who actively pushed for Ed to embody the extremes of his Blackbeard persona, ended up concerned because it became so extreme and out of character that it was impossible not to be concerned by it. The crew who mutinied on Izzy within a day didn't mutiny on him for months, not until their lives literally depended on it, because it's heavily insinuated that they were hoping he would get better. Because this wasn't the Ed that they knew (the Ed that we came to know in S1 - an inherently soft man who is caught in a culture of violence and is tired of it).

The show wasn't subtle about this. It didn't bury the lead. As well as the constant reminders that he was acting out of character in increasingly alarming ways, this was very clearly depicted as a breakdown, an almost total collapse of Ed's mental health. We saw Ed detached and numb and completely dissociated from the world around him. We saw him in private moments of despair, breaking down. We saw him behaving erratically in the grips of mania. We saw him display absolutely textbook warning signs of someone whose made the decision to die by suicide. We saw him smile and say 'finally' at the moment when he knew he was going to die.

The show basically painted a giant neon sign over his head flashing 'THIS MAN IS EXTREMELY UNWELL' in bright lights, and if you miss that, then it's because you're deliberately avoiding looking properly.

(And, important to note, that most of the people that I've watched the show with outside of fandom discourse absolutely took away from these episodes what the show was intending - they saw how unwell Ed was, they were devastated for him, and they desperately wanted him to get better.)

When Ed steered the ship into the storm, and threatened to put a cannonball through the mast, his clear goal was to create a situation where the crew had no choice but to kill him. I've seen people describe this scene as Ed 'trying to hurt the crew', and I think that's very much a misrepresentation of what the show was depicting. It was very blatantly a suicide attempt. He wanted to die, and he didn't care what he had to do in order for him to achieve that goal. That doesn't make it good behaviour, and it doesn't mean people didn't get hurt, but it does make it a very different situation than if causing harm had been his main intent.

There is a fundamental difference between 'he is doing this because he explicitly wants to cause harm to the people around him' and 'he's doing this because he's suicidal and beyond the point of being able to rationally consider who might be getting hurt in the process of ensuring that he ends up dead'. One of those is a bad person who enjoys causing pain - and the other is a deeply unwell person who can be supported and helped to recover and be better (and should be, for the good of themselves and the people around them).

And on that note, the failure to engage with this as a mental health story is also, I think, why I've seen some people get so upset about the show not doing Ed's redemption arc 'right' - because this isn't a redemption arc, and it's not trying to be. One day I'll do a separate post about how much I love that the show explicitly rejected a carceral approach, opting to essentially put him through community rehabilitation rather than punishing him, and even mocking punitive prescriptive measures (that rubbish youtuber apology speech was supposed to be rubbish and unhelpful), but that's one for another day.

The fact is that the show is telling a story about mental illness, and that inherently means that Ed's arc is a recovery arc, not a redemption arc. And if you're expecting a redemption arc, then you've fundamentally misunderstood the story that they're telling (and the revolutionary kindness at the heart of the show).

I have a lot of feelings about this because I genuinely believe that it was one of the best depictions of mental illness and suicidality that I've ever seen. Within the confines of it being a half hour, eight episode comedy show, they told a story about mental illness that was surprisingly realistic (with the obvious fantastical over the top elements of it being a pirate show - and piracy is explicitly depicted as a culture where violence is heavily normalised), and that didn't shy away from the messier, darker, more complex elements of mental illness (particularly of being suicidal).

And then, most importantly, after all that, the show took me gently by the hand said 'you are not defined by what you do in your lowest moment - you can make amends, you can recover, you are still loved, and you are worth saving'.

#cw suicide #cw suicidal ideation #cw mental illness #cw ocd #cw psychosis #i'm tagging all the things just in case someone has them muted for their own wellbeing #ofmd #our flag means death #edward teach #ofmd meta #mental illness #neurodivergence #erin rants

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thegoblinboy · 7 months

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Random headcannon time- I’m coming out of the wood work for this and let’s pretend that I haven’t been inactive for months. But let’s talk about my boy Steve.

Now as an individual who struggles with this, I am kind of shoving some things on this character and I don’t care.

Let’s talk about Steve having tics. He’s had head trauma and because of that he has developed Tourettes. He doesn’t even realize he has tics until they get worst after season four. Before he would just whistle, click his tongue, snap his fingers and he’s never paid attention to it. He’s grown used to it that he doesn’t even think that much about it.

Now post season four, he now can’t get the uncomfortable feeling in the back of his neck. It’s similar to an itch that won’t stop bothering him unless he’s doing a certain movement. (Which is continuously turning his head to the right, which can be very annoying and causes whiplash for him very easily.)

He’s also started to notice his triggers, the lack of sleep is a huge one. But he’s also started to notice that a lot of the poppy songs he used to listen to has random noises that can trigger some of his tics if he’s having a bad day. (Normal days his music helps a lot)

But I was thinking he tried to get into more musics and find something that doesn’t trigger it so much, and shockingly solo Ozzy is something that doesn’t set it off (with some songs triggering it) and he just bonds with Eddie over looking for music. Because let’s be honest, Eddie is most likely really hyper fixated on music.

Anywho that was just a small idea, I might elaborate more if anyone wants but that was all I had for now ✌️

#steddie #stranger things #eddie munson #steve harrington #steve x eddie #bxb #steveharrington #steveddie #eddie stranger things #steve and eddie #Steve Harrington has tics #Steve Harrington tourettes headcannon

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sister-lucifer · 2 years

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Bully

Toby x Male reader

Reader uses he/him and has a penis

summary: you and toby get paired up for a group project, he pressures you into letting him come over to work on it, antics ensue

Genres: Smut

warnings/content: SLUR USE, bullying obvi, degradation, dubcon/noncon, male reader is made to cross dress(skirts and lingerie), , toby likes to hurt you, humiliation, low key blackmail, LIKE SERIOUSLY TOBY IS MEAN HERE AND HE LIKES EMBARRASSING YOU HES SO NASTY HERE

To avoid any confusion, in my headcanons Toby has a stutter as well as but separate from his tourette’s. I am not writing his tics, I am writing his stutter.

Group projects. The bane of your existence. The absolute worst way to go about getting things done.

You were an adult, you were more than capable of doing an assignment on your own. Group projects never once worked in your favor. Your group was always lazy or uncooperative or just didn’t show up all together.

This was going to be awful.

You watched with growing dismay as people paired off to begin working. One by one your professor called names, and you still remained. The anticipation was killing you.

Finally he turned and pointed in your direction.

“You, you’re with–” He glanced at his paper.

“...Tobias.”

You were going to cry.

Your jaw dropped as you looked over at Toby. He was leaning back in his chair with his muddy shoes on the desk, smirking at you, his messy nest of dark brown hair going in all directions.

You hated him. And to your knowledge, he hated you. He pushed you in the hallways, messed up your stuff, dumped your backpack out. He acted like a middle school bully from a movie.

His words replayed in your mind as you stared at his smug face.

“Awww, are y-you gonna cry? What a little bitch.”

“H-Have you been avoiding me? You know damn well I told you n-not to do that.”

“I-If you have such an issue with me you should do s-something about it, but of course you w-won’t. You’re too much of a pussy.”

He was an awful, vulgar boy.

You stared down at your desk.

Your life was over. The world was ending. The ground was crumbling beneath your feet. Everything–

Oh shit, the bell rang.

You gathered your stuff as quickly as you could, not looking back as you hurried out of the classroom. Maybe you could make it to the parking lot before he found you, maybe–

“Hey, where do you think y-you’re going?” A deep voice spoke from behind you, accompanied by a strong hand gripping your shoulder.

Dammit.

“Um, I–“

“We’re p-partners, aren’t we? We should work together.” His smile would’ve seemed genuine if he was literally anyone else, but on him it was unsettling.

“Well, yeah, but, um…” You trailed off, trying desperately to think of an excuse but your mind was blank.

“How about,” he began, turning you around rather forcefully, “we h-head over to your place, yeah? We can start our research or whatever-r.”

“I–”

Oh god, why weren’t you SAYING ANYTHING?!

“Sounds great! You’ve g-got a car, right? We’ll take that!”

And now he’s shoving you along to the parking lot. Great.

Unfortunately for you, you had no idea what you just got forced to do agreed to.

He put a hand on your lower back and kept it there the entire way, making sure you kept up with him. He was talking up a storm despite the fact that you didn’t really respond; his words were meaningless chatter filled to the brim with curses and innuendos that always made your face heat up. You stared down at your feet the whole way, your mind racing with thoughts of what on earth he could possibly have planned.

You only came back to reality when you found yourself starting your car, Toby in the passenger's seat beside you, feet up on the dash.

“I h-hope your house isn’t a fucking pig sty. You better have good booze t-too.”

You weren’t even there yet and he was already being demanding.

You wanted to tell him to shut his trap, but you knew you couldn’t. You were too afraid. Toby was right, you were kind of a pussy. You really, really didn’t want to anger him, so you endured his bullying.

You sighed as you began backing out of your parking space.

You ignored him the whole way there, though he didn’t seem to mind. He rambled on anyway. He didn’t let his condition stop him from being talkative, which would be admirable if he wasn’t such an asshole.

You didn’t say a word when you pulled into your driveway and got out of your car. You really, really didn’t want him in your house, but you were in too deep to refuse him

now. Your hands were shaky when you grabbed your house key and unlocked the door.

“Um, here it is,” You said quietly, stepping to the side to let Toby enter. He wasted no time, walking in like he owned the place and promptly kicking off his shoes.

“You got this whole p-place to yourself?”

“No, my parents live here,” you answered, voice barely above a whisper.

“Then where are they no-ow?”

“Um, vacation ‘til next week.”

“Oh?”

He smiled at you in a familiarly unsettling manner. Oh god, why did you tell him that?! Now he knows you’re here alone! Oh fuck–

He walked over to you and put his hand on your back again.

“At least we won’t be interrupted, r-right?” He said through a toothy grin. His tone was much more ominous than it should have been, and it sent a chill down your spine.

“Um–” You couldn’t muster a full sentence, your mouth dry with a sudden fear.

He moved his hand to your shoulder and shoved you with all his strength, laughing as you stumbled, trying not to fall from the sudden force.

“Let’s-s go up to your room, yeah?”

You didn’t turn to look at him. You didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing your face contorted in embarrassment. You only nodded as you turned to head towards the stairs.

You didn’t see the way Toby shamelessly eyed up your ass as you walked. God, those dress pants made you look so fucking good.

You felt a sense of dread as your door creaked open, Toby a few steps behind you. You didn’t want him in your house, let alone your personal space, but he’d already pushed past you and let himself in.

“Nice place ya got h-here.” He commented, flopping down on your bed. You opened your mouth to protest, but quickly thought better of it. You could wash everything later.

You set your bag down and pulled out some books and a binder, when you realized you were missing something.

“Oh, I think my laptop is downstairs. I’ll be right back.”

You hurried out of the room and shut the door behind you, desperately needing a moment to collect your thoughts. You really did leave your laptop downstairs, but you needed a minute. Or two. Or twenty.

“Hurry the fuck up!” Toby called after you.

It only took a few seconds for him to decide he was bored. Maybe some snooping would entertain him for a bit. You had to have some sort of awful secret thing hidden in here. There’s no way a perfect little student like you didn’t have a dirty secret, right? Maybe a porn stash, or stolen money, anything that would make you look bad.

He checked under the mattress, nothing hidden there. He checked under your bed, nothing but a few lost socks. He checked your closet, everything seemed normal.

He groaned dramatically.

Absolutely nothing.

He was starting to give up hope as he pulled open your drawers one by one.

Then he saw it.

Stuffed in the very bottom drawer was a stack of skirts, accompanied by a couple of very expensive looking pairs of lacy underwear.

He gasped, his face breaking out into his signature sinister grin.

His eyes were drawn to two things in particular: A black skirt with frills and a seemingly matching pair of underwear, both with white bows on the sides.

Oh, this was exactly what he wanted.

When you’d finally collected yourself and worked up the courage to head back to your room and face him, you had no idea what was in store for you. You were still looking at the floor when you opened the door and closed it behind you, laptop tucked under your arm.

“Ok, now we can–“

Your heart dropped when you looked up, your laptop crashing to the floor.

Toby had the black skirt draped over his arm and the lingerie in the same hand. His other hand held his phone, and he had already taken plenty of photos. And yet, he kept taking more. This was just too good.

“What are you doing?!” You shrieked, trying to snatch the clothing from him. Unfortunately for you he was six feet tall, and it was more than easy enough for him to simply hold them above your head.

“Awww, are y-you embarrassed that i found your dirty little secret?” He teased in the most demeaning tone he could muster. “Not t-to mention that now I’ve g-got proof that you’re a little slut.” He waved his phone in the air.

You could already feel your eyes start to tear up. Oh god, this couldn’t be happening.

“I-I am not!” You argued, weakly tugging on his arm. “Please, Toby! It’s none of your business! Delete them!”

“Give me one good reason w-why I should!” He yelled back, pushing you to the ground. You landed with a small yelp.

Toby put his phone in his back pocket so he could use both hands to inspect the items.

“You’re the one leaving your shit o-out in the open for m-me to find.” Okay, that was a lie, but it’s not like it mattered. Plus, the more blame he could put on you the better.

“P-Please, Toby.” You whined.

“P-P-P-Pleeeaasee Toby!” He mocked, imitating your voice. “What? You worried I’m gonna t-tell everyone you’re a nasty fuckin’ fag?” You shrunk back in embarrassment, looking at the ground.

When he looked back at the clothing in his hand, he couldn’t help but let his imagination run wild. If you looked that damn good in dress pants, you’d only look better in these–

His eyes lit up with an idea.

“Put ‘em on.”

You froze. No, there’s no way he just said that.

“What?” You whispered, not daring to look up at him.

He knelt down in front of you, speaking in a low tone. “Put ‘em on for me. Now.” He grabbed your face roughly, forcing you to look at him.

“No, I can’t,” You choked out, tears threatening to spill over.

“Oh, but you can. After all, it would be a sh-shame if these photos made their rounds around the school-l.” He patted his back pocket where he was keeping his phone.

“You wouldn’t!”

“Oh, but I would. Buuuut…” He shoved the skirt and lingerie into your hands. “If y-you behave for me, this can stay between us.”

You gripped the fabric hard, weighing your options. Finally you nodded, Toby letting go of you and stepping back.

You stood on shaky legs, turning towards the door. Just when your hand was on the knob, Toby spoke, stopping you in your tracks.

“I didn’t tell you to leave.”

You shuddered.

“You asked me to put them on, I’m just going to the bathroom,” You replied, meekly looking back at him.

“I didn’t tell you to leave.” He repeated, quickly becoming frustrated when you just stood there. “Turn around.”

You could feel your lip quivering when you whispered a “no, please.”

“Turn around. Now.”

This time you managed to make your body move, turning to face him but not moving your gaze from the floor.

“Put them on. I’m n-not asking again.”

He paused. When that didn’t seem to work, he spoke again, getting closer this time and leaning down to be eye level with you.

“If y-you don’t fucking listen to me, I’m gonna tear your clothes off and dress you m-myself. Nod if you understand.”

You nodded. You had no other choice.

“Good boy.” He praised, his words laced with degradation as he patted your head. He pulled up your bean bag chair and flopped down in it so he had a good view.

“Gimme a show, pretty boy.”

You would never admit it, but his words made your cock twitch.

You turned away from him as you went to unzip your pants, fumbling with it for a few moments.

“Nuh-Uh!” Toby suddenly interrupted. “S-Shirt first. I don’t want you in a-anything except what I picked out. And turn around, or else.”

It took all of your courage to face him, trembling hands clumsily unbuttoning your collared shirt.

“Thaaats it,” He groaned. He adjusted his sitting position, legs open and hard-on painfully obvious. “Niiiice ‘n’ slow.”

The cold air hit you hard when you slipped off your shirt, letting it fall to the ground. You sucked in a breath, glancing up at Toby through your now wet lashes.

You bit your lip as you hesitantly moved your hands back down to your zipper. You hoped so badly that he would call it off, that he would laugh and tell you it was all a joke, but he didn’t.

So, with shaky hands you slipped your pants off and kicked them to the side. A strangled noise escaped Toby’s throat. Everything you wore hugged you so perfectly, and now that he could get a good look at your bulge you looked even better.

You gulped as you hooked your thumbs under the waistband of your boxers. Toby could clearly see you trembling. You were so pathetic and submissive, and that was exactly how he liked you. You’d do anything he asked, whether you wanted to or not.

He let you squirm in place for a few moments before he spoke.

“C’mon, you can d-do it.” For some reason, you could sense just the slightest hint of reassurance behind his words, but you quickly shook away this thought.

You took in a deep breath, biting your tongue, and slid your hands downward, bringing your boxers with them. You could feel your entire body heat up, every inch of you on fire.

You didn’t want to stand back up. You were hidden well this way, so you grabbed the lingerie and started stepping into them while still bent over.

“Stand up.”

Goddammit. He wasn’t giving you anything.

“N-No.” You managed to reply.

“Yes. I’m not fucking asking.”

Silence from you.

“Now, bitch. Let me see what I came here for. Or else–I c-could always send the pictures now?”

You flinched just from his words.

Still gripping the lingerie, you shakily stood all the way up, hugging yourself as hard as you could. You stared at a spot on the wall, focusing all your energy into pretending this wasn’t happening.

“Oh my g-god,” Toby muttered. “You’re fuckin’ massive.” He seemed genuinely amazed. He was looking forward to making fun of you for being small, but this was a welcome alternative.

“Aww, and you’re already half hard! Don’t t-tell me you’re enjoying this, whore.”

You clamped a hand over your mouth. You leaned back over to step into the lingerie, cringing when you brought them all the way up. They barely covered you, which was the point, but this was not a scenario you ever expected to be using them in, not to mention they were fitting less and less of you the harder you got.

Putting on the skirt was the least painful part of the process. The only issue was that zipping it up in the back with shaky hands was easier said than done.

You froze when you heard Toby chuckle.

“Looks-s like you’re struggling a bit. C’mere, let me h-help.” He said, patting his lap.

You took a hesitant step forward, then another, then another, until you were lowering yourself onto his lap. He wrapped a strong arm around you and pressed you as close as he could, simply holding you there for a long moment. You cautiously moved to rest your hands on his sides, and he let out a small, content sigh.

It was almost…nice.

His free hand moved to yank up on the zipper of your skirt rather roughly, bringing a small yelp out of you.

Toby pushed back to get a better look at you, moving your hands to his shoulders.

“Aren't you a pretty th-thing.”

His rands ran up and down your sides, taking in the bare skin. His thumbs ghosted over your chest, making you shudder.

Eventually his hands moved down to your thighs, giving them a soft squeeze. When they moved back up, they went under your skirt, shamelessly groping you. He lifted the skirt to get a better look at your back end, licking his lips.

“Pretty, pretty, pretty.” He repeated under his breath.

He nuzzled into your neck gently. His hands roamed anywhere they could get to. Your legs, your back, your chest, anywhere he could touch, and it kept your entire body tense. You kept expecting him to make some sort of violent sudden movement, to hit you or push you over, but he never did. He was slow and steady.

“You look s-so good in this, I couldn't bear to take them off-f you.”

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. Was that his way of telling you this torture was finally over?

Suddenly his hands moved to your hips, his grip tightening. He pushed them outward so that you were sort of bending over, your back end out. He pushed the lingerie to the side to shove two fingers in you without warning, and without any sort of lubrication, making you let out a pathetic cry.

Oh, it was far from over.

“Toby–!”

“Shhhhh…”

He thrusted his fingers in and out of you at a rough pace, hitting as deep as he could, never slowing despite your protests. Truth be told it was mostly just to prolong your embarrassment.

“Toby please, stop–! you’re going too fast!”

“Aww, am I-I hurting you? Are you too fuckin’ weak to even take m-my fingers? Pathetic.”

Your whines and whimpers only encouraged him, and soon he was adding a third finger. His free hand held a tight grip on your hair, keeping you in place. Your now fully erect cock twitched with every movement, and you found yourself desperately gripping onto his sweatshirt for dear life. You cursed yourself when you got the urge to wrap your arms around him. He was surprisingly warm, and you wanted so badly to just collapse against him.

But you hated him, right?

And he hated you, right?

“Toby–! I-I cant, please–! No more!”

Just when you were ready to lose your mind, just when you were sure you couldn’t possibly take any more of the abuse, he pulled his fingers out suddenly. You breathed a sigh of relief, letting your body finally relax, Your chin resting on his shoulder.

Although, the calm wouldn't last very long.

His hand slid down to grip your wrist, moving your hand to his belt.

“Take it off.”

You knew better than to hesitate this time. You unbuckled his belt and slid it off, to which he promptly discarded it. He looked at you expectantly, wondering if you’d figure out what he wanted you to do next on your own.

You glanced up at him for approval when your hands moved to his zipper, and when he nodded, you tugged it down. He ran his tongue over his teeth and swallowed hard. He was already having trouble controlling himself, but he wanted so badly to take his time.

Even beneath his boxers you could tell he was huge, and you’d be lying if you said it didn’t scare you a bit.

You slipped two fingers under the waistband of his boxers, and sucked in a deep breath before pulling them down just enough for his erection to spring free. He threw his head back, letting out a moan.

“Fuuuck, that’s s-so much better.”

God, he was big. He couldn’t help but laugh at the way your eyes widened.

He moved to grip your hips once more, this time pushing the lingerie to the side as he positioned you over his cock.

“Toby?” You rasped in a whispery tone. There’s no way he thought that thing was gonna fit in you.

“Yeeeessss?”

“You–Y-You’re not gonna–That’s not gonna fit!”

You hid your face in the crook of his neck.

“Awww, don’t worry b-baby.” He replied, his hot breath fanning over your neck.

“I’ll make it fit.”’

You didn’t get a second to process his words before he shoved you down, forcing you to take all of him at once, and you screamed.

“Toby! Stop it! It’s too big! Please!”

But he ignored you.

He wasted no time finding a brutal pace, pounding into you like his life depended on it.

The stretch was almost unbearable, leaving you to dig your nails deep into his shoulders; not that he could feel it. It was heavy in your belly, too, and when he was all the way in you could see the outline of his cock inside you.

At least you didn’t have to do much of the work…although, the fact that he was strong enough to physically lift you up and down on his cock was terrifying.

“Toby, please! It hurts–!”

“It fucking better!” He growled, showing his teeth like a feral animal. He was practically foaming at the mouth, drooling through gritted teeth. He was losing his mind.

You could already feel your hips bruising with the vicious hold he had on you. Each thrust was accompanied by an animalistic grunt and the occasional curse.

“God, fuck! T-Tight little bitch!”

He was panting like a dog now, tongue unfurled as he moaned shamelessly.

You, on the other hand, were trying so, so desperately to keep quiet, but with each thrust another strangled noise of depravity slipped through your gritted teeth.

“Toby,” You whimpered, resting your head on his shoulder. You gave in and wrapped your arms around him, holding him as tight as you could.

It was nice.

He was warm.

A gentle gesture juxtaposed with the way he was jackhammering into you with all his strength.

His teeth sunk into your shoulder, not incredibly hard, but more than enough to hurt.

You whined, turning your head so that your lips just barely ghosted over his neck. In a moment of boldness you planted a gentle kiss on his jaw, then another on his neck.

This made him happier than you would ever know.

“Oh g-god. You make it so hard t-to last.” He could feel himself coming undone, but he sure as hell wasn’t finishing before you.

You were bouncing on your own now, meaning he could use a hand to dip under your skirt and into your underwear, wrapping a hand around your cock and fisting it as fast as he could.

“Toby! Too much!” You protested, but your words had no weight to them. You made no effort to stop or even slow your movements, loving the way he hit all of the perfect spots inside of you. He left no part untouched.

“Is my pretty b-boy gonna cum? Are you?”

You could only nod in response, your attempt at words coming out as a mess of moans and whines.

“C’mon then baby, you c-can do it.”

His words were enough to push you over the edge, and with one last cry you released all over his hand, soaking your skirt and expensive lingerie.

Oh well, he was more than willing to get you more.

“Oh god–! Just when i thought you c-couldn’t possibly get any fuckin’ tighter–!” He slurred through gritted teeth, absolutely relishing in the way you clenched around him.

His pace was becoming erratic, both of his hands back on your hips now as he effortlessly moved your body as if you weighed nothing.

“G-Gonna fuckin’ fill you to the brim–”

He sunk his teeth into your shoulder again, harder this time, spots of red staining his pearly whites as he thrusted into you for the last few times, his moans muffled by your flesh between his teeth as he came inside of you.

With what little of your voice you had left you managed to scream his name one last time.

Finally he slowed to a stop, his cum leaking down your legs despite his best efforts to keep it inside of you. It was warm and thick, and he put a gentle hand on your belly where we could tell you’d been filled. You didn’t think you’d ever be empty again.

You fell forward against him, not even bothering to pull yourself off of his cock. You both wrapped your arms around each other, catching your breath in a comfortable silence. He rubbed up and down your back gently, nuzzling into your neck.

When you finally sat up again, you immediately met his eyes. They were no longer intimidating and cold, instead filled with content and a soft happiness. He leaned forward to give you a long but tender kiss.

“H-Hey,” He spoke when he pulled away.

“D’ya th-think I could spend the night?”

#creepypasta #ticci toby x you #ticci toby #toby rogers #smut #creepypasta smut #bully au #tw noncon #tw dubcon #tw bullying #tw slur use #ticci toby smut #male reader

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buckys-little-belle · 15 days

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I have Tourette's Syndrome and sometimes my legs go "Frozen", like I'm paralyzed from the waist down randomly. Anyways, my record is like I think four hours of not being able to move them, and I'm about to beat that record. Funny thing is I'm literally home alone, unable to move. So like no one better try and rob me right now. My sibling is 20 minutes away at a friends house, and I have pretty good neighbors, so if worst comes to worst I have help. But like at six hours I might literally have to call an ambulance because at that point something is like really wrong. So LOL living it up rn.

#buckys little belle #tw tourettes #tourettes

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freehounyaoi · 3 months

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HALF LIFE VRAI (+gorgeous & og gordon) HEADCANONS IF YOU EVEN CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BENREY WOOO

during. the end, he had 2 extra eyes, one above his left eye one below his right eye, now he has scars where they laid, they’re faint but he. is autistic im sorry he’s too me to not be he had a tail during the end too faint freckles ^_^ he REALLY likes red meat he likes blue flavor, not blueberries, not blue raspberry, blue stubble YAYY specifically in end, benreys feet to knees and hands to elbows fade into rlly dark blue/black looks like he’s dying of illness but like. has never been sick disassociates very often very touch very very touchy polyamorous, exes with forzen & is now crushing on both Tommy & gordon orphaned, kinda lived on his own since he isn’t human, picked his own name doesn’t actually have brothers, he’s a loser breaths through his mouth esp when he’s comfortable weird but like imagine he’s cuddled up to someone and he just yeah

COOMER YAYYY

fat, idc i’m right

gender-fluid, transmasc & gay ^_^ old man yaoi with bubby YAYYY

cool little funky punching enhancement thingies

big ol’ doe brown eyes

brunette hair before he started graying

after the resonance cascade he retired, they deserve it

has nightmares over clones. a lot, a big lot

autistic, everyone knows the science team kinda is autistic,

going off the autistic thing, one of his vocal stims is hello gordon

loves talking, loves it so much, he loves just talking to people she likes

has a high score on punch out & that one punching game where you punch the punching bag to get evaluated on

the reason is divorced because he realized he was gay

hawaiian shirts FTW!!

(most of these are somewhat canon, holly (his va) headcanons him as transmasc, short and stocky, and 5’4!)

Bubbster

Intersex & bisexual (idc if gir hcs him as straight it’s my world now/pf)

if he didn’t live with Coomer after the resonance cascade, he’d probably just be a basement dweller and just sit in the corner and cry

Bionic legs :3

canonically test tube baby, he’s probably really freaked the fuck out over it & has had genuine panic attacks over being artificially made, only in front of coomer

literally always has epi-pens for coomer

naturally(?) ginger idk what you wanna consider it, he’s canonically like 6 but in my head he’s like 67, he’s been locked in black mesa for 67 years

blue eyes

has a leather jacket with a tiger on it he will wear just to do so

has made the science team watch scrubs.. twice

picks at skin as a stress tick

has tourettes

near blind

when he got his bionic heart he died so he will sometimes just be like “hey guys i’ve died before”

being put back in the tube after betraying gordon was one of the worst things he’s been through, it was terrifying

GORDON FEETMAN!!!

also fat

joshua exists but he was an accidental pregnancy (gordon seahorse father yayy)

ftm based off last hc, that’s just canon cuz i said so

joshua is like, 9 in my head so gordon had him at like 18

bisexual

has a crush on benrey (canon but yk)

mexican and african

curly ass hair, takes really good care of it, always smells nice

bilingual

blind in left eye, 25% prescription in right eye

feels guilty as fuck even when everyone would joke about him being the cause of the RC

also autistic

wayne did not dk him justice when he lost his hand, he was screaming so gutturally loud it was painful, he strained his voice so bad, the pain was so excruciatingly terrible

tommy genuinely was the only one he could trust after benrey & bubby turned their backs on him, and that sucked because his feelings for benrey before that point were getting to him

only was adamant about not being friends with benrey at the end because of the betrayal, he wanted to hate benrey

tommy is like his. comfort friend, he doesn’t have to worry about him.. he does but he always feels comfy around him

Tommy cool man

Autistic, ADHD, PTSD and OCD

G man species, half human

strawberry enthusiasts:3 (me too)

every flavor tic tac enthusiast, always give the science team tic tacs like all the time

not very good at games enjoys playing them though

very touchy for multiple reasons

Sunkist service dog for multiple things as well, helps with panic attacks, PTSD symptoms, anxiety attacks etc

Tommy doesn’t know how Sunkist was trained to do all this, he made her sk he just kinda accepts it for how she is, and loves her

compression hugs, likes being laid on top of, it’s comforting

looks scrawny but can like. genuinely pick up all the science team & benrey with ease

started collecting propeller hats after the RC

the reason he can read sweet voice is cuz g-man species

thinking about getting a cat, maine coon or norwegian forest cat, he likes big ass animals

Sunkist is LARGE like large as fuck for a golden Tommy made sure she was huge

milk enjoyer :3 drinks it with most of his meals

wears readers

ANGEL KISSES!! (moles or beauty marks whatever you wanna call them)

tooth gap :3

walks on tiptoes

Gorgeous

6’7

cuts his hair into a fringe, lets it grow out to shoulder length, then cuts it fringe, never ending cycle

beauty marks man

freckles too

nobody fucking knows his trauma

doesn’t understand why he can understand cicero?? he just.. can??

learned ASL as a kid

clearly has some form of mommy issues he will not touch on

wears solid colors, he doesn’t wear shirts with decals, or anything, a. he doesn’t like them. b. for ASL purpose, it’s recommended to wear light/dark clothes (light in his case) depending on your skin tone to MAKE it easier to read sign, usually in light pink

prefers skirts cuz.. they’re comfy, usually knee & ankle length.. sometimes he will wear mini skirts……. cuz he’s gross

actually hates head crabs.

would be a nudist if it was sociably acceptable

actually really enjoys video games! he doesn’t talk about it, he’s good at them too

he’s a dog person, he wants a saint bernard

freeman YAYY

6’

beauty marks

patchy beard

dark hazel eyes

starting to grey, short pony tail

has scars from his HEV suit

actually lost his hearing DUE to the RC, his mother was deaf so that’s why he knows ASL, it completely shot out his hearing

has always dressed nice

cat person

Alyx is like his daughter to him

i can’t decide if he’s trans or not

same situation with gorgeous, he wears solid colors for ASL purpose

him and cicero have yet to find a way to communicate

when he found out alyx learned ASL for her boyfriend (this is canon, was planned for episode 3) he was over the moon

enjoys IASIP (it’s always sunny in philadelphia)

scary when he’s pissed off

G-Manual samual

major RBF

scottish

moles kuz hes kawaii

wears readers

hes autistic

going on with him being autistic, the fabric his suits are a comfort fabric to him

enjoys sitcoms

drinks his coffee straight black

he is trans masc to me

praises his employers like god tbh

if he were to drink, which he doesnt, his go to drink would be rum on ice

some form of alien, not from xen though, no one knows where hes from

some type of holy creature??? he cant die?? hes weird

you'll never see it but he doesnt bleed red, his blood is black

enjoys fishing

goes to bed at 11pm, wakes up at 4am hes weird

hes also the best father ever???

songs that remind me of science team members + benrey the 6th

Benrey the 6th

I Will - Mitski

Kiss Me, Son Of God - They Might Be Giants

I’m Gonna Win - Rob Cantor

Mad World - Tears for Fears

We Will Commit Wolf Murder - Of Montreal

Gallery Piece - Of Montreal

Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears for Fears

The Party's Crashing Us - Of Montreal

Tommy Coolman

Living Island - POGO

Fireflies - Owlcity

Teenage Dirtbag - Weetus

rises the moon - liana flores

Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy - Queen

Head Over Heels - Tears for Fears

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thrown-away-opinions · 2 months

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Seeing a bunch of whiny children cry about tiktok possibly being banned and trying to spin it as "THE GOVERNMENT IS ATTACKING THE YOUNG PEOPLE" is almost funny. These braindead zoomers think tiktok is like the highest form of education, keeping them informed on complex topics, media, literature, and science... And despite tiktok being the fucking site that has been repeatedly verifiably proven to be algorithmically tuned to fucking destroy a regular user's intellect and mental health, they still think this is so the young people (being misinformed by mentally deficient childless 30-somethings) can't get all the real information (propaganda) about world events, the latest psudo-science, or the trans genocide that's going to start any day now.

Tiktok users convinced themselves they could learn to dimensionally travel the multiverse so they could fuck Harry Potter characters. Tiktok had people faking Tourette's syndrome so aggressively that they gave themselves actual uncontrollable ticks. Tiktok, where retarded jackasses invented the fun game of forcing their way into random people's houses. FUCKING TIKTOK, HOME OF THE TIDE POD CHALLENGE.

And that's not even getting into the ways that tiktok is legitimately some of the worst fucking spyware you can put on your phone. The goddamned thing uses photogrametric data to map your house for fuck's sake. But let's pretend it's the public square and that the young people are being attacked because they might receive a slightly smaller dose of endless sludge content. They'll just have to go somewhere else to get groomed by pedophiles and sex offenders. How fucking horrendous!

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uncaught-coolfish · 1 year

Text

Penny rant

(+ruby)

RWDE below. Don’t like unedited criticism of your show from someone who’s been offended by it, don’t read.

Trigger warnings for ableism and Mentions of Suicide.

I would like to begin this rant by saying that around the start of 2020, I found out that I had Tourette’s Syndrome. Long before then I was diagnosed with ADHD, but when I found out I had Tourette’s… safe to say, It made me feel much more different about myself.

The disability had always been something made to sound awful. It was the “You’ll blurt out bad words at the worst time” disability, when it really… isn’t. It’s a lot more than that, but at that time, when 2020 was an already fucked year for all the obvious reasons, I felt bad about myself.

I felt bad because this whole time, I had something in my brain that I knew was going to absolutely wreck my future experiences. With it, my anxiety got worse, and that’s something I still struggle dealing with.

But also around that time, the seventh volume of a certain show was coming out: that show, RW//BY.

I’m not going to talk specifically about V7 in itself, but I will talk about one very important part of it:

Penny was back.

Since her debut, Penny Polendina was easily one of my favorite characters, if not my favorite in the whole cast. In a cast of already colorful characters, she was the one I arguably related to the most. She was this sweet, fun ray of sunshine who… was also a robot. And it was expressed to us early on that it was something she felt slightly insecure about.

And to note, Penny has almost always been a character people have coded as disabled, that sentiment being even more prevalent in her return. Namely, she was coded as autistic for many.

And when Penny spoke to Ruby about her being an android, I… remembered the first time, coming to telling the friends I’d known for years that I had Tourette’s. Just like this fictional character, I was worried they’d start treating me differently because of my disability, or if they’d just… outright leave me.

But Ruby didn’t treat Penny any less, robot or not. Because the thing that mattered most was her heart, and no matter if she was a robot, she was still a real girl.

…Yeah. Safe to say, that kind of message hit me hard. So when she came back in V7, after such a heartbreaking death in V8… I was very happy :) (me when I’m putting it lightly)

PENNY! WAS! BACK! And honestly, in V7 I think she was handled better than I’d expect. Where V7 had problems, I don’t find myself thinking Penny was one of them.

Hell, she became a maiden! Even furthering that she was a real girl, no matter what. And like I said before, at the time this came out, I really needed something like that.

But then there was V8. V8 began at near the end of 2020, and…

I’m going to say it.

This volume is genuinely one of the most cuntshit garbage things I’ve ever seen in any show. And I mean that with all the frustration, anger and disgust I can.

Because do you remember when I said, Ruby reassuring Penny of her still being a real girl was something I seriously needed at the time of watching this show? Because of how much it reminded me of my own experiences with my own disability?

Volume 8 essentially told me my disability was a curse. It made me less human. And my friends saw me as nothing more than that disability, nothing more than that curse.

Forgive me if I’m being hyperbolic. Forgive me if I’m being a whiny bitch about a stupid fucking dogshit fictional show made by the transphobic racist and ableist fuckers you lick the disgusting boots of.

In an already horrifically ableist volume, Penny was forcefully converted into becoming human. They had that part of her so many people including myself saw as her disability stripped out of her without her consent, to let it die before our eyes.

Even framing it as the “worse” version of her. Her inferior, inhuman self.

And then, they had her stand barefoot and gloveless to show she was “finally a real girl”, and then at the last episode of this volume they had her be assisted in killing herself.

Remember how I mentioned how anxious I was about telling my friends about my Tourette’s? How I worried they’d see me differently, or stop talking to me altogether?

But how this show’s portrayal of a similar situation, to me, helped calm me?

Never said the ending of that story, did I? Because there wasn’t one. My fears were right, because half of my friends whom I’d known for years all but left me the instant they learned I had Tourette’s.

And then I watched as Ruby, the same girl who told the character I related to the most that she was a real girl despite her artificiality volumes ago, force Penny into becoming a human without her consent?

Yeah. You know the message I got at that time from that?

That my friends would accept me better if I just got rid of my disability. That I just wasn’t me enough because of it.

And then they killed her. They killed Penny for good, and by that, I mean they had her commit assisted suicide. All so a white, rich cop princess could get her powers.

Yeah. That’s fucking fun. I love this. I hope whoever wrote that garbage never comes into contact with a real disabled person in their life, genuinely. Again, sorry if I’m being pissy. I’m not whole enough either, apparently.

And then came V9. I’d consider 2023 to be one of the lowest points of my life. I feel less in control of myself. My anxiety is through the roof. I’m irritated and distracted by the slightest sound or movement. I’m worried I’m losing more friends, if I’m embarrassing myself, and I just feel like I can’t do anything right anymore.

That I’m not me anymore.

And in V9, there was a fictional character who i… again, found myself relating to.

And that was Ruby.

Ruby in this volume is a character who i related to a lot, just as I did Penny. She was struggling with similar things I was, and am, currently struggling with.

And just like me, her emotions and feelings and struggles were being all but ignored by the friends around her, until they finally burst out. Ruby’s breakdown in Episode 7 was, in a funny way, cathartic to me, because the amount of times I’d break down in a similar way… I probably couldn’t count. I thought this show would never let a character’s emotions come out in a way that wasn’t meekness or quiet crying, but here I was, watching Ruby fucking Rose rightfully call out the friends, her older friends, who had all but ignored her this entire time.

And like… Yeah. Let her fucking bake, dude.

And then episode 8 happened and I watched that character I related to the most at a time when my mental health was at its absolute worst be beaten down to a pulp and then kill herself on screen.

If you come complaining to me “it was medicine”, “it was therapy”, take this as a note: Fuck off. Maybe that’s mean, but… fuck off. Because they sure as hell didn’t make it seem like it, and I’m not buying it one fucking bit.

The main character of this show finally gets to express her emotional state in a way that’s not palatable, that’s almost real, and how is she rewarded the episode after? How dare she have those feelings, Ruby is beaten down again and again and again and watches the one companion she still has get crushed beneath her tormentor’s shoe.

And what do her friends, including her sister, do? What do they do when they see their youngest friend, their teammate and leader, the one who’s inspired one, partnered another, and been the little sister to?

Fucking. Jack. Shit. They don’t do a single fucking thing but stand. Tell me it’s them in shock, I fucking dare you.

They watched their friend take her own life after being beaten and beaten and beaten and the next episode they’re all hugging and smiling. So fun. So fucking fun.

So fucking fun they pulled this shit and still had the gall to say you are enough.

Maybe I am. Maybe I am enough. Oh wait, I’m disabled. I’ve got Tourette’s and ADHD. That’s my bad. I’m not enough, actually. I need to have those parts of me ripped out of my brain so then people will accept me.

Then I’ll be a real girl.

So. Fucking. Fun.

You can like RW//BY. Hell, I do. I really do. I wouldn’t dedicate my blog to talking about it if I just hated it. There’s still so much I do like about this show, and it’s inspired me in dozens of ways creatively.

But to me, it ends there. I like RW//BY. But RW//BY is not a good show.

And that’s not because of some vision not being followed. Not because of some ship becoming canon or not canon. Not due to some “wasted potential”, “unresolved arcs”, “unlikable characters.”

RW//BY will never be a good show in my eyes, in the eyes of an actually disabled girl, because of it’s continued failure to address real, serious topics.

Whether it be racism, abuse, mental health or disability.

And no matter what take I read, what someone tells me, and no matter what this show as it’s own will try and try and fail and fail to get me to realize, that won’t change.

Maybe my feelings are wrong. Maybe they’re not palatable enough, and this is all just some inarticulated horseshit im spewing through the text.

That’s fine. That’s okay.

I can’t really bring myself to care anymore.

#rwde #tw sui mention #tw ableism #half of this is like a personal vent lol but I just wanted to get this out there. it’s been on my mind for a long while

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sysmedsaresexist · 9 months

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hey, thank you for taking the time to put together that post about childhood emotional neglect. I have a hard time wrapping my head around CEN as something to be pathologized because from where I stand it seems so universal--not sure if I knew a single person growing up whose emotional needs were consistently met by their parents, including people whose families i would've cut off my pinky finger to join. is there any chance you'd be willing to give me some examples of what a parent-child dynamic *without* CEN looks like?

Oh god

Okay, I'm going to give this a fair try, long post ahead. Skip to end for the TL;dr and my suggestion

---

This is a true story.

When I was five, I started having anxiety and panic attacks. Severe ones. They mostly presented in my ability to breathe sort of... Hiccupping. I would suddenly become INCREDIBLY aware of my breathing, and it physically felt slower, harder. Trying to talk to my mom never resulted in anything happening or changing, and I had already learned to not talk to my dad.

Combined with clear anxious tendencies, Tourette's, and a budding, severe case of OCD, this culminated in the conclusion that at any moment, ever, I could stop breathing. I took to sitting in front of fans, so that air could be forced in my face, I developed tics of sounds in my throat to make sure I was still breathing. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't function, I was scared to leave the house.

My grandmother was babysitting one night and I had the worst attack yet. Six year old me crumbled into my grandmother's lap, telling her what I was experiencing and how scared I was, and like no one was listening to me. I needed to go to the hospital, I demanded.

Now.

---

From here on out, this is not a true story.

My grandmother held me tightly, appalled that my mother hadn't gotten me any kind of help yet. She whispered soothing reassurances into my hair as she rocked me, calling my mom home from bingo.

At the very least, a quick trip to the ER (free) could ease my fears that I stopped breathing every ten minutes, and for the next half hour, she showed me ways to keep my mind busy while we waited and the next two times an attack hit she held my hand and said just breathe through it. See? You're still breathing.

By the time my mom was home, I was calmer, I told them I was okay and could be brave, and I slept like the dead that night. I knew I could always trust my grandmother.

---

That would have been my ideal situation. If I ever have children, this is how I want to be able to treat them.

With respect, and as if what they say matters and is real. I want them to feel heard and appreciated.

Now, here's the catch.

No one is perfect.

Maintaining those levels of attention, on top of working and other children and whatever else might be going on in your life, can be extremely difficult. Generational neglect and abuse mean that most parents don't even realize what's messed up and what's not.

My ideal situation won't be everyone else's.

Eventually, I will hurt someone, unintentionally. I will be low on spoons, or don't know them well enough to react appropriately to something. Maybe they don't want or need "coddling", and my method will be harmful.

TL;dr

In a way, it's reasonable to expect that emotional neglect is simply a fact of life, and different people will handle the effects differently.

When emotional neglect occurs repeatedly over a long period of time, it begins to have an effect on attachment and child development. The things you're excited about are so consistently brushed off that you start to believe the insidious thoughts in your head as you try to rationalize why they don't seem to care.

Your parents tell you so many times that you're overreacting that you begin to believe it and start keeping things to yourself.

Instead of looking at examples, answer these questions about situations in your past:

1) Would I have done something differently if the roles were reversed?

2) Were my emotional needs met?

3) Did I feel heard? Understood? Believed?

4) Were they interested, and being an active listener?

5) Did I leave the conversation feeling safe, and as if continuing to talk to this person was safe? Did I leave knowing I could approach this person again?

6) Does this one person repeatedly make you feel negatively about yourself or your interests? Is it a trend with them in particular?

Emotional neglect comes in ten thousand flavours-- most unintentional, most one-offs. Many of these situations will be handled by YOU just fine. Some will have more of an effect than others.

But when you're young and it's repeated, you learn bad habits and start to have bad thoughts about yourself.

#emotional neglect #answered asks #mod dude

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aslongasimhereyoureinvincible · 11 months

Note

what are your neurodivergent headcanons for hq characters?

asdfjhgfds sorry this has been in my askbox for a few days ive been busy w/ Life Stuff TM but anyways ND haikyuu headcanons lets gooo

hinata:

ik bc hes Sunshiney and Loud lots of ppl read hinata as adhd, which i can deffo see, but personally i read him as autistic

hes extroverted and good at adopting introverts (kageyama, kenma, yachi, tsukki) but when u stop to think abt it hes also actually kinda bad at social ques and 'normal' behaviour?? i think ppl dont notice bc hes also rlly nice but hinata is actually pretty blunt lmao

his special interest is literally volleyball cmon now

its canon that he dislikes being in classes too long or doing homework bc he finds sitting still for too long difficult, both me and my autistic older brother used to get up and pace around our classrooms when we were younger

even though hes rlly athletic and has insane reflexes obviously, hes also pretty clusmy and especially bad at judging distances which to me looks like dyspraxia which is really commonly comorbid w/ autism

ive also read a few fics where he has tourettes syndrome w/ body tic and i can deffo see why ppl would hc that

idk hes just reads as autistic so well in my mind like idk why its not a more common take

kageyama:

this one is less of a headcanon and moreso just interpreting the text correctly; hes definitely autistic

like its my belief that furudate either knowingly wrote kageyama as autistic or like based his personality off of an irl autistic person they knew or SOMETHING bc its actually insane how well he reads as autistic

the lack of social skills? the anger issues? the deep special interest in volleyball? the just wanting to express your feelings/opinions but coming off as rude but not knowing how to fix that? middle school being a living hell? having that one family member who Got you? the high level of skill in one particular area? hes literally the texboox definition of autism

even the little things like how he files his nails and jokes go over his head and he accidentally insults ppl bc hes calling it how he sees it and how he basically had no friends growing up bc he was too focused on volleyball and how he struggles to smile on command like!!! thats autism babe!!!!!!

oh also hes dyslexic bc im dyslexic and i say so

ushijima:

same as kageyama i bet he was either knowing written as autistic or based off of an irl person who is

blunt as all hell, monotone voice and facial expressions, volleyball as a special interest, bad at social interaction, accidentally rude, the list goes on and on

like his whole thing about how his left handedness makes him different but is also a gift that benefits him in some ways? thats a metaphor for neurodivergency dont @ me

oikawa:

i hc him as having narcisstic personality disorder, not in the ableist reddit-user 'all ppl w/ npd are evil manipulative abusers' way but in the ' i have npd and know what it actually looks like' way

hiding massive insecurities by acting like youre amazing?? that fuckin marina lyric thats like 'i feel like im the worst so i always act like im the best'?? that was abt oikawa tooru and npd

feeling threatened the second someone as good or better than you shows up? fixating on one specific thing that you have to be the best at? those are npd as fuck traits

the way he can basically get along with anyone and adjust his play style to suit them but only has a few close friendships where he can let his true personality rlly shine through

hes literally so npd coded augh <3

bokuto:

i read him as adhd and having cyclothymia

i think he was unmedicated in high school and unknowingly had depressive and hypomanic episodes which affected his play

he also very much reads as having rejection sensitive dysphoria if u ask me

and the way he talks and bounces around and has All That Damn Energy gives me adhd vibes, esp pared w/ his poor volume control ad the way he ignores social cues lol

okay quickfire round bc im getting tired of typing

atsumu is autistic, so is osamu for that matter, theyre just at very different points on the spectrum and rub each other up the wrong way a lot of the time bc of it

kita is also autistic bc no neurodivergent person is that particular about doing things the 'right' way

hoshiumi is autistic and adhd

asahi and yamaguchi read like they struggled w/ anxiety and depression

sakusa has ocpd and ocd (contamination ocd specifically) and mysophobia

kyoutani has aspd, again not in a 'aspd = violent agressive psychopaths' way but in a 'i actually have a cluster b personality disorder' way, and adhd also

kenma is autistic and has social anxiety

yachi has social anxiety too bc cmon now

tsukki reads to me as having chronic depression, i think i could also make a case for him being autistic too ngl

tendou is some flavour of neurodivergent, probally audhd, probably some other stuff, idk but hes definitely not neurotypical

like hinata, lev reads as autistic to me even tho hes got that goodball energy thatd make lots of ppl read him as adhd bc like,, he just fuckin sucks at social interaction like he is accidentally rude all the damn time lmaoo

fukunaga and aone are both autistic w/ selective mutism and/or partial to moderate non-verbalness

obviously its none of my business and i think having headcanons abt irl ppl is Fucking Weird but i wouldnt be surprised if furudate themself was autistic bc truly so many characters in haikyuu can be read that way if u ask me, although maybe im just projecting lol

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu!! headcanons #q and hey hey hey!#tumblr: akiraetzchen #og post //#theres prolly more im missing but these r off the top of my head #obvi theyre just hcs tho ppl are free to have different interpretations #except kageyama being autistic. i KNOW im correct abt that one.#also i promise this blog isnt dead i do still love haikyuu v much im just also super obsessed w/ bluelock rn

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wendytestabrat · 8 months

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kyle’s most toxic/chaotic episodes:

•ike’s wee wee - for harassing ike once he found out he was adopted and saying he’s not his real brother and then sending him on a train to nebraska

•cow days - for him being a spoiled materialistic brat and a jerk to cartman all for some terrance & phillip dolls; HE FUCKING THREATENS CARTMAN INTO RIDING A BULL AND THEN WHEN CARTMAN GETS HURT AND HAS TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL HE STILL MAKES CARTMAN GO BACK ON THE BULL

•douche & turd - for bullying and pressuring stan to vote for a giant douche, sending puff daddy after him, LITERALLY SPITTING ON HIM, and using kenny for his own benefit all so he could beat cartman. also the fact that he wanted a giant douche as the mascot was just immature af LOL

•cartman’s incredible gift - for jumping off a fucking roof because he couldn’t stand to see people taking cartman seriously as a psychic

•mr. garrison’s fancy new vagina - for his blatant racism (and internalized anti-semitism) assuming he would only be good at basketball if he was tall & black - basically he did blackface here LOL

•two days before the day after tomorrow - for hiding the jew gold

•ginger kids - for BREAKING AND ENTERING into cartman’s room to turn him into a ginger which caused cartman to go on an extermination against every non-ginger

•le petit tourette - for rounding up 47388392 pedophiles to shoot themselves on dateline because he was mad abt cartman pretending to have tourettes (even tho he was just jealous of cartman’s brilliant idea LOL)

•imaginationland - for being so fucking arrogant and sure that leprechauns aren’t real that he signed a legally binding contract to suck cartman’s balls (which wasn’t very smart) and then couldn’t honor his commitment when he was wrong. i’m sorry but like IDGAF what a bet is about you just don’t agree to suck someone’s balls idc how sure u are that you’re gonna win LOL.

•tonsil trouble - for making fun of cartman for having aids and then gets MAD at cartman for making aids jokes later on to stay positive smh

•britney’s new look - for coming up with the idea to get a paparazzi photo of britney for $$ - it was his fault that britney shot herself

•fatbeard - for purposely trying to get cartman sent off to somalia to die and inadvertently making his brother go there too

•you have 0 friends - for being an annoying social media prick and not leaving stan alone about facebook and doing dumbass shit to get more FB friends WHO GIVES A SHIT people who care too much abt their social media followers are losers

•it’s a jersey thing - yeah do i even need to explain this one?

•crack baby athletic association - for exploiting crack babies for money and acting selfish & greedy like cartman in the process

•you’re getting old/ass burgers - FOR SELLING OUT STAN AT HIS WORST AND BEING A BACKSTABBING ASSHOLE

•a history channel thanksgiving - for throwing a hissy fit over cartman’s idea to use the history channel for their thanksgiving report and then getting all pouty later that he was wrong about aliens or whatever the fuck

•ginger cow - i don’t need to explain this one

•go fund yourself - for being all extra and causing drama by making his own startup company bc he was jealous of cartman for coming up with the name ‘washington redskins’

•stunning and brave - for encouraging cartman to stand up to PC principal and getting him sent to the hospital (AND BTW KYLE DIDN’T WANNA DO SHIT ABT PC PRINCIPAL UNTIL IT PERSONALLY AFFECTED HIM AND HE GOT IN TROUBLE FOR THE COMMENT HE MADE ABOUT CAITLYN JENNER)

•skank hunt - for accusing cartman of being the troll and getting everyone all riled up to break his shit

•wieners out - for him being salty when he found out cartman moved on with heidi, you know after he deadass broke all of cartman’s shit

•fort collins - for him threatening to expose cartman’s INTERNET HISTORY to heidi

•doubling down - for stealing heidi from cartman

•super hard PCness - for blowing up canada bc he was still pissed off about cartman & heidi LOL

•tegridy farms - for enabling cartman to sell vapes to kindergarteners (including his brother) despite his original stance of being against it, deadass almost giving up his entire birthday money for cartman, and then letting cartman beat up the drug dealer & helping him break into a vape shop 🙄

•south parq vaccination special - for trying to steal the vaccines for himself - yet bitching at stan & cartman that they were being selfish JFC

•south park post covid and the return of covid - for getting mad at cartman for being a rabbi and having a happy family and accusing him of stupid bullshit and cussing in front of his wife & kids (bringing up shit from 40 years ago) and then making cartman sacrifice his entire family to help him

•the streaming wars part 1 - for giving up all the money they earned on the streaming services to let cartman get tits LOL

#SOUTH PARK #KYMANRANTGARBAGE #kyle broflovski

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thatgenderfluidmonstrosity · 2 months

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Hello people! This is my introduction :3

I am a person of many names~ Some know me by their loveliest day dream, others their worst nightmare-

Just kidding, I go by any of these names, and I will put in my bio which I’m using at the time~ (it’s fluid)

Nyx, Rei, Ether, Gray, Aether, Nexus, Kaeya, Nox

I am also Genderfluid, so my current pronouns will be listed in my bio as well :3

Neurodivergent! Diagnosed with Tourettes and my therapist is pretty sure I have ADHD, Depression and Anxiety (getting tested for any kind of neurological disorders on April 10th 2024🤭)

I love getting questions about my Tourettes, Gender Identity and whatever else!!! Please don’t be afraid to ask if you have questions!!

Little warning: despite being on Tumblr for about 2 years now, I still have to idea what the proper “etiquette” is. Like- what a blorbo is, or if emojis are as despised here as they are on like… discord or something

Idk man 💀 I’m always confused

I love many things, from video games to anime to cartoons for children way younger than me

Here are all of the ones that I can remember right now (not listed in any particular order):

Hamilton

Amphibia

Percy Jackson

The Owl House

FNaF

She-Ra

Gravity Falls

Marvel (Avengers really)

Genshin Impact

My Hero Academia

Demon Slayer

Spy x Family

Marauders (Kinda)

Horizon Zero Dawn

Horizon Forbidden West

Avatar: The Last Airbender

Avatar: The Legend Of Korra

Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse

Spider-Man: Across The Spider-Verse

Moon Knight

Jekyll and Hyde

Bluey

Whump (Just in general)

DnD (Mainly Homebrew because I am kinda new to it)

I also love making art, and will post that a lot

I have an Ao3 Account: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoManyPassions/pseuds/SoManyPassions

I have a lot of works but am also working like a dog to get more stuff posted ✨

I have so much writing in progress, and can’t wait to get it out there!

Let’s see… what else…

Im working on my own Fantasy/Fiction Series called The Solstice Academy (Yes that does mean that it’s initials shorten to TSA)

I am open to writing submissions for any fandom listen above! I have some stipulations, some minor and others are more important, like how I will never write smut/sexual content. If you have any submissions that you’d wanna see (like your favorite character getting tortured) message me and we can work something out! I can’t promise that I’ll get to it immediately (or that it will get written at all) but I will do my best to fulfill your request!

I think that’s all about me!

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greater-than-the-sword · 2 years

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What is Tourette's. Imagine if you had a chronic, persistent cough. But this was not a common thing, in fact you were the only person you knew who ever had a persistent cough. So everyone who hears it feels the need to point it out. They ask if you are all right and if you have something stuck in your throat, are you in pain? Are you dying? You tell them no, everything is fine even though it's not really "fine" but what can you do.

Sometimes they are annoyed and ask you if you can stop, and get annoyed when you say that you can't hold off from coughing for the entire 30 minute meeting. You know that no one wants you to cough while sitting next to them so you try to keep your distance from people. Some people are very curious and want you to explain what it feels like to need to cough. Some people tell you that the sound of your cough is cute or endearing or beautiful. "It's just a cough," you want to say. "It's not anything special or life threatening and I'm not doing it because I like it. No one hates it more than me. Every time you ask me to talk about the cough it just makes me feel like I have to cough. Won't everyone just shut up about the cough." But, as I said, in this imaginary world coughs are not a common thing and no one can relate. You grow self conscious and try to step around the corner or muffle your cough in your coat because you feel like everyone is looking at you and you're afraid that you're going to alienate your friends. A man comes up to you in the store. "Is that a foreign language? I've never heard it before. Are you trying to sing?" "No, no, please I don't want to talk about it." "Why are you being so rude?" You are so tired of having to explain the concept of having a cough to every stranger. Sometimes you wonder if they are right and you could just decide not to cough right now and cure yourself if you had enough willpower and weren't a coward. By trying very hard, you only succeeded in writhing in discomfort for a few minutes.

Sometimes you go for a while without having to cough and people say "I noticed you didn't cough back then, why not, were you cured by something happening at the time?" All you know is that you weren't thinking about it. Sometimes you are coughing but managed to tune it out, as it didn't manage to break your concentration but people feel the need to say, "I see you are coughing again" and that DOES break your concentration.

The worst is "can you do that thing where you cough? Just like, cough for us right now".

Anyway all that to say long story short if you see a person with Tourette's mind yo business

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problematicfactive · 7 months

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How do you feel about fakers?

I'm assuming you mean problematic factive fakers specifically, I'm not touching on any other discourse

First off, I do believe that faking is real. I know there are people out there who claim people don't fake plurality related things, they're probably just in denial. I faked all kinds of stuff in source. Seizures and all kinds of other shit. Anything can be faked.

I categorize faking into three categories.

Bait, attention-seeking, genuinity

Bait fakers are your obvious trolls.

Think a person in the MOGAI community that only "coins identities" that are offensive to practically everyone and based in slurs the coiner cant even say. Bait. That person isn't really MOGAI, they're faking.

Attention-seeking is a lot of your average faking

these are the people you've known your entire life who randomly started ticcing after coming across a tiktoker who tics. They'll tell you the have Tourette's, but only seem to tic when its convenient for them. My faking seizures would have fallen here. I only did it for my peers to like me

Genuinity fakers are harder to explain

To me, genuinity fakers are people who get something personal (other than just a silly little kick) out of faking. These are people whos lie is elaborate, not sloppily thrown together and who feel they get a mental boost by pretending to be something they're not. These people are commonly something of an adjacent identity and don't know of it, or they aren't really faking at all. They just don't know that yet. I hope that can make sense

Bait Fakers are the worst. These are the people who choose the worst guys they can think of. Oftentimes Hitler, Stalin, Dahmer, etc. And they post the most godawful things you could find. They make a tiktok account and talk about how they want to really genuinely hurt people in the most disgusting of ways. They're trying to make us seem fucked up. And it works a LOT of the time. These people are the reasons we have to hide ourselves. That really sucks.

I dont think- unless for the purpose of interacting with this specific blog/in this specific discord community- attention seekers exist for us. If they do, they're just gonna get harassed

Genuinity fakers i have the most sympathy for. If you feel healed by pretending to heave Remerez, and you arent doing anything wrong or trying to make us seem bad, I'm not going to stop you. I physically couldn't stop you if i wanted, so if you arent hurting anyone, why would I go out of my way? Chances are high these people are factkin, diauntrho, facthearted, etc etc. I just hope these people find the term that works best for them so they don't have to lie to themselves anymore

Thats how I feel about fakers at least. I'm not making you guys agree

#problematic factive #problematic source #factive #problematic introject #introject #plural community #system #plural #sysblr #plurality

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fentrashcat · 8 days

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Tourettes Awareness Month, day 4!

So didn't do anything for day 3 bc ✨️health✨️, I'm okay now but it took too much out of me for yesterday 😅

I do tend to joke about my tics as a coping mechanism, and I make light of them as often as possible, but TS is still a disability. As such today is gonna be a bit more of a drag, as I talk about some negative aspects.

Attempting to break this up some so you can skip sections if needed 😊

⚠️ Everyone who experiences TS or other tic disorders will have different experiences, this is just my personal experience

Also forgot a vocabulary term:

Tic spiral- not sure if there is another term for this, but this is what I use- this is when you get stuck in a loop. My whistle tic has to be perfect or I'll do it over and over again. Another form is that I tic when I'm anxious but my tics make me more anxious so I tic more.

TS obviously had an effect on my day to day life, but some days are a lot worse than others. My tics can cause me injuries, the stigma around TS has almost certainly cost me a job and job opportunities, I'm not able to drive, and it draws ridicule. I want to cover all of these in one so I don't have to make multiple negative posts, but there will probably be more detailed explanations for some of them later on.

Tic Related Injuries

While I don't (currently) have self destructive tics, like hitting myself, my tics have caused a lot of injuries. Some general pain comes from muscle over use, like neck and shoulder pain from my head jerks. I also get pain if I try to suppress tics, particularly when I'm trying to throw things I need to hold onto.

One of my tics, which I refer to as "the bad one", causes almos every muscle in my body to clench at the same time. In general this hurts A LOT, and it only comes in attacks, so it'll happen over and over again, sometimes up to an hour. On top of the general pain, if I'm holding my arm or something when it hits, I've left finger shaped bruises from how hard I grab myself. I've also clenched my fists so hard it feels like I might break a finger. The only way to stop this attack is pretty much by going home and going to bed. It's also exhausting and I'll end up sleeping for hours afterwards.

Hand fling injuries are the most common ones I experience. Something as simple as riding in the car or walking too close to something can result with me getting bruised knuckles or almost dislocating my wrist. Both hands will do this but my right is the worst and it'll just fly up and hit whatever is beside me. The first time it happened I hit the car widow and it was so loud my mom thought that either my hand or the window HAD to be broken. Luckily neither was, but the back of my hand was bright red for quite a while after this one. This is also the tic that has caused me to burn my hand on the oven and spill boiling water on my other hand. I've also back handed a dashboard so hard I'm pretty sure I partially dislocated the wrist, bc the bone was sticking out more and it hit like a 7/10 pain. Finally I grabbed and pulled and there was a "pop" noise and the pain lessened considerably. I think the worst part about this tic is I'll get the prompt, it'll cause me to freeze, and I can see and KNOW what I'll hit before I do, but I can't move. So I get some nice time to recognize "I'm about to be in pain and there is nothing I can do"

Another source of hand jerk injuries is throwing things/jerking things into myself. Let me just say, I LOVE the Nintendo switch controllers bc they have wrist straps. Sadly I mostly play on Xbox or my phone, so I'll end up throwing my controller or phone and it hits me in the head/face about half the time. I've also struggled where a hand jerk hit while I was going to take a drink of something and it slammed the straw into the top of my mouth until it bled. I've also slammed an apple into my front teeth.

An uncommon tic I get is kicking. I usually sit in a way to prevent this tic from happening but sometimes that isn't feasible. I've kicked my moms dashboard SO MANY times, I think I've actually cracked it (this is also why I don't drive).

Also I don't usually have a self injuring tic, but I did have a night that I kept hitting my chest. Luckily seems to have been a one off situation.

These are the main injuries from my tics that I can think of, but I'm sure there's more that I've forgotten.

TS and my Work History

I am extremely aware that I've been lucky with work, as my family members have been in positions to hire me, however I'm currently out of work because no one is in a position like that right now. I've only had 2 jobs completely independent of family influence and both have ended (in my opinion) due to my TS.

The first was a shoe store that I worked at for about a month, and I actually really enjoyed it and the people there. The staff was super understanding about my limitations and helped me work around them. Problem was, the location was 30-40min away, meaning I had to ask family and/or friends to drive almost an hour out of the way to get to/from work. The public transit in my area isn't great, and I wasn't making enough $ to get an Uber or taxi everyday. This put quite a bit of strain on some really important relationships, and it wasn't fair for me to ask people to do this for me, even if I would pay gas or get food or whatever it just wasn't worth the strain. The manager was super nice about it, offered to help me find driving lessons, and told me if I start driving that I should reach out and see if they're still hiring. This was of course a few years ago and I'm still not driving but I really appreciated that.

The second one I was actually fired. Obviously they can't fire me for having TS because that's illegal, but I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I was let go was the day I had to disclose I have TS. I had been told I was doing really well by my trainers and nothing had been mentioned to me by management until they officially fired me, about an hour and a half after I had to tell a coworker I have TS. In the managers words "[she] just doesn't think [I'm] ready for this this position".

I've also had situations where in interviews they would seem interested in hiring me, but then my tics would start up so I was forced to disclose and almost immediately I could tell they were no longer interested. I usually did my best to not disclose unless I absolutely had to, but it's hard to explain away tics without explaining what they are.

The "bad ones" also severely impact my chances of keeping any job I do manage to get, because the only way to stop them is to go home. When one of my family members is in charge, they can always find a way to make that happen, but I highly doubt any other employer would be as lenient. It's not usually very frequent, maybe happening once a month, but it's frequent enough to cause trouble. I once had 3 attacks over the course of 4 days and missed almost a week of work. Even with my family member being in charge there I feel I came very close to losing that job. After that I was scheduled less days and less hours each day, which was in part because they were worried, but also presented less opportunity for my tics to act up. That would be fine in a salaried job but I was hourly so I was making barely enough to keep myself afloat.

I've also gone out for disability due to these issues but was denied, so I need to reapply again, and will probably end up having to get a lawyer involved but of course I can't afford that (I've been out of work for almost 6 months and get almost no unemployment bc I was working so little already, so I have no savings 😢) but that is a whole other thing that I might have to do a full post on.

TS and Bullies

This one is sadly a given. If you're different, you will be bullied. I had some kids in high school make me tic on purpose and they apparently recorded it. An adult made them delete the video but I didn't say anything to an adult until my mom found out about a week later. She went to the principal but he said "nothing I can do without proof". This is the same principal who refused to listen to me about my own disability and threatened to not let people walk at graduation if they didn't have a certain number of volunteer hours. Not lying when I say I think this principal just fucking hated me. Found out he got fired like a year or so after I left, possibly due to his treatment of another student with disabilities but I can't say for sure.

I had a lot of issues at my school with my Tourette's, and I went to a school with maaaaaybe 250 students, so I can't even imagine a normal high school. Not to mention like 90% of the student body was either there bc they were previously homeschooled, bullied in their last school, or had disabilities. The teachers were either great or awful (almost no inbetween) and there was a new principal almost every year. I'll talk about the awesome teachers another time (and maybe the bad ones too).

That's all I can think of to really cover today, hopefully if I'm doing well tomorrow I can post some more positive things. Sorry this one is so long and kind of miserable, but thank you for reading! If you have any questions or are just curious about my experiences, feel free to shoot me an ask!

#fentics #tics and tourettes #actually tourettic #tourettes awareness month #tics #tourette syndrome #Tourette's

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