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drkcnry67 · 4 years

Text

title: Please Don’t Make Me Do This

kink square filled: Knife Play

dark square filled: Knife Play

Heaven & Hell square filled: Demon!Dean

ship: Demon!Dean x reader

rating: 14+

tags: major character death, forced knife play,

summery (if applicable): its a surprise….

word count (if applicable):

created for @spnkinkbingo @spndarkbingo @heavenandhellbingo

also this is for a request brought in by @hawaiianohana15

A/N: please dont shoot me, but cas doesnt actually stay in heaven for what goes down in this story. im sorry for what im gonna put everyone through. i know for me ive put off writing about this particular thing cause it still gives me nightmares.

tag: @sweetness47 @alexis-m-kruger

this was possibly the hardest event of your entire life, the hardest day of your life. the day you witnessed the love of your life get murdered on the eve after your engagement.

you hadnt the heart to send every single person you had invited a letter saying the wedding was cancelled, hell you didnt have the heart o do anything except sit in your old room and listen to all of Dean’s favorites on repeat.

after about 4 hours Sam had gotten very very concerned, so he made you some coffee and made you up a plate of food and brought it into your room. the sight he saw when he walked inside was something that made him place the food and drink on your dresser and come engulf you in a huge hug.

course Dean and Sam wanted to take down Metatron, but of course that didnt go as well as expected for it was then that Metatron stabbed Dean. long story short told to you personally through Sam’s sobs…

Dean had gotten hold of the first blade again after being bruised and beaten badly in a mortal kombat fight type deal with Metatron.

Metatron stabbing Dean through the heart with an angel blade just as Sam came round the corner and Dean of course turned around.

Sam helped Dean off the ground and tried to make it out of the warehouse but Dean coughed, said he was proud of them and then breathed his last.

Sam had called out for Cas in a loud scream of pain. about 5 minutes later Cas appeared and became terribly horrified at the sight before him.

Cas: “what happened?”

Sam: “Metatron killed him, we have to get home.. back to the bunker, to YN she needs to know but no one else can… can you get us and the impala back in one shot or is it needed in 2 trips…”

Cas: “it can be done in 1 shot but how will you tell YN… wont she be crushed?”

that was when Cas realized that Sam was gonna tell you after they got back to the bunker… sam was gonna tell you what happened, tell you that Dean died like hero… that he went down fighting and that his last thoughts werent of her but he knew he loved you.

Cas: “look Sam i know that YN and Dean were a thing but there is something i have to tell you… about their relationship… but she doesnt know, neither of them did… you can’t tell her…”

Sam now intrigued finds the strength to look away from his brothers corpse. Cas took a deep breath watching as Sam now sat looking at him.

Sam: “cant tell her what?”

Cas: “she and Dean fullfilled the prophecy that Heaven spoke over them, they conceived a child a week before the death of a winchester at the hands of Metatron.”

Sam: “YN’s pregnant?”

Cas: “yes, but there is nothing else that can be done here, lets take this show back to the bunker and see if there is anything that can be done about Dean… ill take us all straight to his room, then ill stay here while you go talk to YN before she finds out on her own about Dean…”

Cas teleports Dean and Sam plus himself back to Deans room in the bunker. you were in the library researching a way to get rid of Metatron that would actually be most effective. you didnt hear the boys talking in Deans room. however you only had this feeling like something wasn’t right.

it stayed with you heavily as you sat there pouring through the books and every page seemed to make time go by alot slower than it actually was… it wasnt until you flipped the page again that you heard your name being called. this made your head snap up…

you went around the corner and Saw Sam walking towards you…

Sam: “hey squirt!”

You looked around and didnt see Dean, didnt see your man. you turned your gaze back to Sam who walked closer to you…

YN: “where’s Dean?”

Sam: “YN he was hurt badly… there was an accident, it was a bad one… before i let you see him you need to know he might not come back from this one alive… or if alive he wont be himself… the first blade really did a number on him. but his last concious thoughts were of you… YN he wasnt breathing when Cas got to us… Cas is with him now trying to figure this out, but so far no luck…”

YN: “i have to see his body…��

Sam stepped immediately in front of you stopping your entry to the hallway.

YN: “get out of my way Sam… i have to see his body…”

Sam: “no cause if you go in there your not gonna be able to unsee that…”

YN: “there has to be something we can do…”

Sam: “we will find a way but for now lets leave him alone…”

you went back too the library and cracked a bottle of whiskey… Sam stood around the corner for a few minutes and watched you slowly crumble apart…

Sam went back to talk to Cas…

Cas: “ive healed his major wounds and slowed the death process… how did she take it…”

Sam: “she has started to drink the whiskey… i dont think she will come back from this…”

Cas: “well lets go make sure she isnt gonna do something stupid…”

Sam & Cas take one more glance at Dean’s body before heading out to the library to find you on the phone just kinda out of their hearing patterns.. it was only but a while later that Crowley texted you that he was outside the bunker…

you went to the door and let him inside… you walked down the stairs with Crowley at your tail… both Sam and Cas stood taking defensive position…

Sam: “Squirt what is he doing here?”

You finished walking down the stairs before you answered…

YN: “he is here to help me save Dean… he says he can save him… ergo that is whats going to happen…”

Cas: “dont do this, we cant trust him…”

Crowley: “look ok i have a soft spot for YN and Dean they have become my new favorite couple… but when word got out downstairs about Metatron having killed Dean. i knew it would be only a matter of time before i got a call from YN, but i also knew i might or might not be able to help.. YN show me where the body is… then ill need a while alone with it… for the way this should go may or may not come with alot of side effects…”

you led Crowley to Dean’s room, opening the door this was your first glance at Deans body… this was the only time other than not but 6 years before when you had lost Dean… to your dismay this time looked much much worse.

YN: “crowley do what you have to… just make sure he comes back to me in one piece…”

Crowley: “ill do my best and let me be the first to say congratulatons!”

you left the room wondering what the hell he meant, but still made your way back to the library… you sat on the couch and waited, waited patiently…

—————————

Crowley stands beside Dean placing the first blade in Dean’s right hand and placing both on his chest.

Crowley: “listen to me Dean Winchester, what you’re feeling right now, it’s not death. It’s life, a new kind of life. Open your eyes, Dean. See what I see. Feel what I feel. And by the way your going to be a father, now lets go take a howl at the moon.”

—————————-

something stirred, you felt it, you felt the house shake, the entire bunker shook with a violent power… it wasnt but a few moments later that the power went out in the entire bunker… no sound could be heard but something inside you stirred, something felt new, arisen if you would…

YN: “Sam, Cas are you guys okay?”

Sam and Cas are at your sides immediately!

Cas: “i dont know but i cant leave my power isnt working…”

Sam: “YN you looked a little stunned a few moments ago… what did you feel?”

You didnt know how to answer that, it was a very strange feeling but being bonded with Dean made things easier. during hunts and stake outs… but now it felt like something went horribly wrong… crowley did however say that there may be side effects…

YN: “i think whatever Crowley did worked but i dont feel normal Dean i feel a much darker force… if that is why the power went out then we need to lock this place down… now and we need to prepare for the worst… lock it down nothing gets in and nothing gets out…”

you, Sam and Cas all armed yourselves, going down the halls till the tri-fork in the hall… each of you took a hall… Cas came across nothing he stayed near the armory for a few minutes to make sure Dean wouldnt be able to easily access it if he came that way… Sam made it down his hall way to the garage, but obviously with the security locked down and the power outage the garage wouldnt be a good escape route…

you went down the bedroom hallway, the emergency red lights going down the hallway made it to your room, checked it once and cleared it of being offended… then sam’s room along with Cas’ room….

the room at the end of the hall, the one room where you didnt think anything was wrong… the one room where the closer you got the more anger and pain you felt… before you could fully encrouch on the room, the door flung off its hinges… you ducked into the darkened bathroom…

Demon!Dean: “Sammy, YN, Castiel! where is everyone to greet the brother who has come back from the dead? YN baby come give daddy a kiss…”

Dean now walking towards the bathroom slowly, now sniffs the air… he suddenly becomes ravenous for the being who holds the smell of pumpkin pie. the closer he got to the bathroom, the stronger the smell got.

Demon!Dean: “come on out Baby.. i dont want to hurt you, but i will if i have to… come on out baby… dont you want to celebrate with me about our child… oh yes i know all about that… you can thank Crowley for that… now im gonna count to 3 if you dont show yourself by the time i get to 3, im gonna hurt you baby, i dont want to but i will…1…”

you didnt know what to do, so you stood there behind the door and didnt realize that you were starting to sweat badly your gun was slipping… before you could even react your gun fell to the ground…

Demon!Dean: “ah so you want to have a bit of bathroom fun hmm… well daddy brought a fun little tool… now lets play…”

with that Demon!Dean stalked into the bathroom forcefully pulling the door shut as he now stood there with you in the creepy red lighting, he stood there with his pocket knife.

YN: “please dont do this, you dont want to hurt me i know you dont… for the sake of our child… please… i didnt know about my being pregnant D… im just finding out about this… look ok it tore me up to see your body like that, so i called Crowley… i knew when the power went out that you had come back… but i didnt expec…”

before you could say another word, his hand covered your mouth… he gently yet firmly ran the knife over your skin, he pressed down in certain tender spots, like your forearms, your thighs, your chest, as well as your cheeks. before stopping at your neck to lean in to sniff your aroma..

Demon!Dean: “you know babe, i never pictured myself as a father… i just realized i never told you what i did in Hell the first time i died… i tortured people, i tortured souls… these people didnt deserve it, but i didnt care, i liked it… now i think i’ll torture you similar to them…”

at that moment with lightning speed he ran the knife through all your clothes till you were standing in your Bra and panties. this made you shiver since it wasnt the man you fell in love with standing before you doing this to you.

at that moment you felt the knife he was holding go into your skin on your thigh, you buckled at the pain, yet Demon!Dean just laughed with amusement. he ran his hands over your body, feeling you tense and un-tense beneath his touch.

Demon!Dean: “i still have enough sense to know not to fuck a pregnant woman… but that doesnt mean i cant make you bleed…”

before he could finish cutting you in a few more places, the sound of your name came ringing through the halls.

Sam: “cas do you see that?”

Cas looks straight ahead at the door on the floor…

Cas: “does that mean he is back?”

Sam: “yes but he doesnt have the strength normally to kick in these door which are reinforced with iron… he would have to…”

thats when it hit Sam like a sack of bricks… the shocked look on his face now said everything he connected the dots and soon realized that whereever Dean was you would be too…

Sam: “Dean or whatever you call yourself.. show yourself now…”

then he turned to Cas and in a low whisper adressed him.

Sam: “ok Cas go down the hall and hide around the corner as soon as he shows himself ill keep his gaze fixed on me, use your teleportation to get directly behind him… go…”

Cas ran to where Sam said but heard the same not so distant voice Sam soon did…

Demon!Dean: “ill be out in a second brother, im just taking a leak… then ill come out and talk…”

Demon!Dean finished making you bleed some more watching your body slide down the wall, weak from blood loss as he opened the bathroom door and exited…

Demon!Dean: “hey Sammy… come give your big brother a hug…”

Sam started to slowly back up seeing the blood covering Dean’s hands and clothes…

Sam: “where’s YN?”

Demon!Dean: “i wouldnt know your the first one ive seen…”

Sam: “then whose blood are you covered in?”

Demon!Dean: “i found a family of rats and slaughtered them… why do you look so scared bro?”

Sam: “thats not rats blood is it?”

Demon!Dean could only bring off a dark smile… as he followed Sam down the hall and away from the bathroom… Cas took his opportunity to come out from around the corner and go towards the bathroom… where he found you… he took off his trench coat and laid it over you…

Cas: “what did he do to you?”

YN: “he called it knifeplay… i have no idea why he did this but he needs something… he needs a good angelic exorcism…”

Cas: “what do you have in mind?”

you explained to Cas that first you needed to get into some clean clothes of some kind and clean up some of this blood… Cas went to your room and grabbed one of your satin gowns…

Cas came back seeing you limping… he helped steady you while you got dressed… then he took your arm with his hand… he smiled lightly and dove deep into steadying you before helping you into the direction that he watched Demon!Dean & Sam go in…

he made sure you were alright before he took off to get into his position… slowly but steadily you made your way down the hall… to the sound of running footsteps and the sound of something breaking…

Demon!Dean: “Sam come on lets not play these games… why do you hide from your older brother…”

you steadied yourself and held the colt up high…

YN: “Demonic force that resides within Dean Winchester… i address the entity within thee… please dont make me do this…”

Demon!Dean turns to face you slowly after stopping in his tracks…

Demon!Dean: “YN baby i see you have managed to get up off the floor and clean yourself up… darling you really should be more careful with that, since when did i give you permission to touch that gun…”

YN: “you didnt i took it from your hiding place when i got up off the floor… you need to make sure that you pick better hiding spots…”

Demon!Dean: “and you need to make sure not to snoop…”

YN: “dont make me do this…”

you stayed tall and strong keeping the Colt trained on Dean…

Demon!Dean: “now now babe put the gun down… put it down or take your shot…”

you started to slowly put the gun down but then he charged towards you, Cas came out behind Dean and wrapped his arms around him from behind…

you took your shot, you shot Dean while he was in the arms of Cas, you watched between Cas’ angelic grace and the bullet from the colt the demonic energy that was within Dean now blinked away… now within the eyes of the man before you, blinked between the demonic force within and the Dean you fell in love with.

Cas: “ready YN im gonna keep holding onto him while you enact the final part of your plan… anytime now…”

that was your cue, you tossed the colt in the air running towards the man who stole your heart a thousand times over… you kissed him, he didnt react right away it was about 5 minutes into the kiss that he started to kiss you back…

thats when Cas let go, it made you feel normal to be back in Dean’s embrace… once the kiss broke you took him over to the security station you had set up and showed him all of what happened…

Dean: “i know that i wasn’t myself but i hurt you, i hurt the one person who means the world to me… i’m so sorry YN… you don’t deserve a guy like me… i’m a worthless piece of shit… to top it all off, we are expecting a baby… we are expecting i don’t know if i’m ready to be a father…”

YN: “i know your gonna do wonderful as a father, and i also know that when i saw you basically dead, it tore me apart, i dipped so far into the whiskey that i almost blacked out, if the power hadnt gone out, i wouldn’t be awake right now…”

Cas and Sam come back into the room making sure that it was safe first… then Sam took it upon himself to hand Dean his jacket, to which made you look with confusion but you didnt make anything of it.

Sam: “good luck buddy…”

you grab 3 glasses & the whiskey, while the charade continues… but wasnt expecting what happened next…

Dean: “dont touch your glass of whiskey yet…. YN there is something i wish to discuss with you first…”

You stared at Dean curiousity swimming in your mind… Dean took a small swig of his whiskey before he continued to speak…

Dean: “YN in all my years together never have i ever been so amazed by anyone. you’re strong, brave, talented, one of the best with a machete ive ever seen, i never would have seen myself being with someone who is as lovely and smart as you… YN i know we have just been through hell and back and both need a really good shower, but will you do me the incredible honor of marrying me and making me the luckiest man alive…”

YN: “yes yes yes…”

thats when Dean opened the ring box out of his jacket and slid the expensive but not expensive ring on your finger… the toasting lasted for 30 minutes before the cuts on your body cloted, and the blood on Dean crusted, but it was about time when you spoke again…

YN: “Dean no offense but you need a shower…”

Dean: “funny darling i could say the exact same thing about you….”

#spnkinkbingo #spndarkbingo #heaven and hell bingo

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legion1993 · 5 years

Text

Please Don’t Make Me Do This

title: Please Don’t Make Me Do This

kink square filled: Knife Play

dark square filled: Knife Play

Heaven & Hell square filled: Demon!Dean

ship: Demon!Dean x reader

rating: 14+

tags: major character death, forced knife play,

summery (if applicable): its a surprise….

word count (if applicable):

created for @spnkinkbingo @spndarkbingo @heavenandhellbingo

also this is for a request brought in by @hawaiianohana15

tag: @sweetness47 @alexis-m-kruger

spn kink bingo masterlist Dark bingo masterlist heaven and hell masterlist

this was possibly the hardest event of your entire life, the hardest day of your life. the day you witnessed the love of your life get murdered on the eve after your engagement.

Dean had gotten hold of the first blade again after being bruised and beaten badly in a mortal kombat fight type deal with Metatron.

Metatron stabbing Dean through the heart with an angel blade just as Sam came round the corner and Dean of course turned around.

Sam helped Dean off the ground and tried to make it out of the warehouse but Dean coughed, said he was proud of them and then breathed his last.

Sam had called out for Cas in a loud scream of pain. about 5 minutes later Cas appeared and became terribly horrified at the sight before him.

Cas: “what happened?”

Sam: “Metatron killed him, we have to get home.. back to the bunker, to YN she needs to know but no one else can... can you get us and the impala back in one shot or is it needed in 2 trips...”

Cas: “it can be done in 1 shot but how will you tell YN... wont she be crushed?”

that was when Cas realized that Sam was gonna tell you after they got back to the bunker... sam was gonna tell you what happened, tell you that Dean died like hero... that he went down fighting and that his last thoughts werent of her but he knew he loved you.

Cas: “look Sam i know that YN and Dean were a thing but there is something i have to tell you... about their relationship... but she doesnt know, neither of them did... you can’t tell her...”

Sam now intrigued finds the strength to look away from his brothers corpse. Cas took a deep breath watching as Sam now sat looking at him.

Sam: “cant tell her what?”

Cas: “she and Dean fullfilled the prophecy that Heaven spoke over them, they conceived a child a week before the death of a winchester at the hands of Metatron.”

Sam: “YN’s pregnant?”

Cas: “yes, but there is nothing else that can be done here, lets take this show back to the bunker and see if there is anything that can be done about Dean... ill take us all straight to his room, then ill stay here while you go talk to YN before she finds out on her own about Dean...”

it stayed with you heavily as you sat there pouring through the books and every page seemed to make time go by alot slower than it actually was... it wasnt until you flipped the page again that you heard your name being called. this made your head snap up...

you went around the corner and Saw Sam walking towards you...

Sam: “hey squirt!”

You looked around and didnt see Dean, didnt see your man. you turned your gaze back to Sam who walked closer to you...

YN: “where’s Dean?”

Sam: “YN he was hurt badly... there was an accident, it was a bad one... before i let you see him you need to know he might not come back from this one alive... or if alive he wont be himself... the first blade really did a number on him. but his last concious thoughts were of you... YN he wasnt breathing when Cas got to us... Cas is with him now trying to figure this out, but so far no luck...”

YN: “i have to see his body...”

Sam stepped immediately in front of you stopping your entry to the hallway.

YN: “get out of my way Sam... i have to see his body...”

Sam: “no cause if you go in there your not gonna be able to unsee that...”

YN: “there has to be something we can do...”

Sam: “we will find a way but for now lets leave him alone...”

you went back too the library and cracked a bottle of whiskey... Sam stood around the corner for a few minutes and watched you slowly crumble apart...

Sam went back to talk to Cas...

Cas: “ive healed his major wounds and slowed the death process... how did she take it...”

Sam: “she has started to drink the whiskey... i dont think she will come back from this...”

Cas: “well lets go make sure she isnt gonna do something stupid...”

you went to the door and let him inside... you walked down the stairs with Crowley at your tail... both Sam and Cas stood taking defensive position...

Sam: “Squirt what is he doing here?”

You finished walking down the stairs before you answered...

YN: “he is here to help me save Dean... he says he can save him... ergo that is whats going to happen...”

Cas: “dont do this, we cant trust him...”

Crowley: “look ok i have a soft spot for YN and Dean they have become my new favorite couple... but when word got out downstairs about Metatron having killed Dean. i knew it would be only a matter of time before i got a call from YN, but i also knew i might or might not be able to help.. YN show me where the body is... then ill need a while alone with it... for the way this should go may or may not come with alot of side effects...”

you led Crowley to Dean’s room, opening the door this was your first glance at Deans body... this was the only time other than not but 6 years before when you had lost Dean... to your dismay this time looked much much worse.

YN: “crowley do what you have to... just make sure he comes back to me in one piece...”

Crowley: “ill do my best and let me be the first to say congratulatons!”

you left the room wondering what the hell he meant, but still made your way back to the library... you sat on the couch and waited, waited patiently...

---------------------------

Crowley stands beside Dean placing the first blade in Dean’s right hand and placing both on his chest.

Crowley: “listen to me Dean Winchester, what you're feeling right now, it's not death. It's life, a new kind of life. Open your eyes, Dean. See what I see. Feel what I feel. And by the way your going to be a father, now lets go take a howl at the moon.”

----------------------------

something stirred, you felt it, you felt the house shake, the entire bunker shook with a violent power... it wasnt but a few moments later that the power went out in the entire bunker... no sound could be heard but something inside you stirred, something felt new, arisen if you would...

YN: “Sam, Cas are you guys okay?”

Sam and Cas are at your sides immediately!

Cas: “i dont know but i cant leave my power isnt working...”

Sam: “YN you looked a little stunned a few moments ago... what did you feel?”

You didnt know how to answer that, it was a very strange feeling but being bonded with Dean made things easier. during hunts and stake outs... but now it felt like something went horribly wrong... crowley did however say that there may be side effects...

YN: “i think whatever Crowley did worked but i dont feel normal Dean i feel a much darker force... if that is why the power went out then we need to lock this place down... now and we need to prepare for the worst... lock it down nothing gets in and nothing gets out...”

you, Sam and Cas all armed yourselves, going down the halls till the tri-fork in the hall... each of you took a hall... Cas came across nothing he stayed near the armory for a few minutes to make sure Dean wouldnt be able to easily access it if he came that way... Sam made it down his hall way to the garage, but obviously with the security locked down and the power outage the garage wouldnt be a good escape route...

you went down the bedroom hallway, the emergency red lights going down the hallway made it to your room, checked it once and cleared it of being offended... then sam’s room along with Cas’ room....

the room at the end of the hall, the one room where you didnt think anything was wrong... the one room where the closer you got the more anger and pain you felt... before you could fully encrouch on the room, the door flung off its hinges... you ducked into the darkened bathroom...

Demon!Dean: “Sammy, YN, Castiel! where is everyone to greet the brother who has come back from the dead? YN baby come give daddy a kiss...”

Dean now walking towards the bathroom slowly, now sniffs the air... he suddenly becomes ravenous for the being who holds the smell of pumpkin pie. the closer he got to the bathroom, the stronger the smell got.

Demon!Dean: “come on out Baby.. i dont want to hurt you, but i will if i have to... come on out baby... dont you want to celebrate with me about our child... oh yes i know all about that... you can thank Crowley for that... now im gonna count to 3 if you dont show yourself by the time i get to 3, im gonna hurt you baby, i dont want to but i will...1...”

you didnt know what to do, so you stood there behind the door and didnt realize that you were starting to sweat badly your gun was slipping... before you could even react your gun fell to the ground...

Demon!Dean: “ah so you want to have a bit of bathroom fun hmm... well daddy brought a fun little tool... now lets play...”

with that Demon!Dean stalked into the bathroom forcefully pulling the door shut as he now stood there with you in the creepy red lighting, he stood there with his pocket knife.

YN: “please dont do this, you dont want to hurt me i know you dont... for the sake of our child... please... i didnt know about my being pregnant D... im just finding out about this... look ok it tore me up to see your body like that, so i called Crowley... i knew when the power went out that you had come back... but i didnt expec...”

before you could say another word, his hand covered your mouth... he gently yet firmly ran the knife over your skin, he pressed down in certain tender spots, like your forearms, your thighs, your chest, as well as your cheeks. before stopping at your neck to lean in to sniff your aroma..

Demon!Dean: “you know babe, i never pictured myself as a father... i just realized i never told you what i did in Hell the first time i died... i tortured people, i tortured souls... these people didnt deserve it, but i didnt care, i liked it... now i think i’ll torture you similar to them...”

Demon!Dean: “i still have enough sense to know not to fuck a pregnant woman... but that doesnt mean i cant make you bleed...”

before he could finish cutting you in a few more places, the sound of your name came ringing through the halls.

Sam: “cas do you see that?”

Cas looks straight ahead at the door on the floor...

Cas: “does that mean he is back?”

Sam: “yes but he doesnt have the strength normally to kick in these door which are reinforced with iron... he would have to...”

thats when it hit Sam like a sack of bricks... the shocked look on his face now said everything he connected the dots and soon realized that whereever Dean was you would be too...

Sam: “Dean or whatever you call yourself.. show yourself now...”

then he turned to Cas and in a low whisper adressed him.

Sam: “ok Cas go down the hall and hide around the corner as soon as he shows himself ill keep his gaze fixed on me, use your teleportation to get directly behind him... go...”

Cas ran to where Sam said but heard the same not so distant voice Sam soon did...

Demon!Dean: “ill be out in a second brother, im just taking a leak... then ill come out and talk...”

Demon!Dean finished making you bleed some more watching your body slide down the wall, weak from blood loss as he opened the bathroom door and exited...

Demon!Dean: “hey Sammy... come give your big brother a hug...”

Sam started to slowly back up seeing the blood covering Dean’s hands and clothes...

Sam: “where’s YN?”

Demon!Dean: “i wouldnt know your the first one ive seen...”

Sam: “then whose blood are you covered in?”

Demon!Dean: “i found a family of rats and slaughtered them... why do you look so scared bro?”

Sam: “thats not rats blood is it?”

Demon!Dean could only bring off a dark smile... as he followed Sam down the hall and away from the bathroom... Cas took his opportunity to come out from around the corner and go towards the bathroom... where he found you... he took off his trench coat and laid it over you...

Cas: “what did he do to you?”

YN: “he called it knifeplay... i have no idea why he did this but he needs something... he needs a good angelic exorcism...”

Cas: “what do you have in mind?”

you explained to Cas that first you needed to get into some clean clothes of some kind and clean up some of this blood... Cas went to your room and grabbed one of your satin gowns...

Cas came back seeing you limping... he helped steady you while you got dressed... then he took your arm with his hand... he smiled lightly and doove deep into steadying you before helping you into the direction that he watched Demon!Dean & Sam go in...

he made sure you were alright before he took off to get into his position... slowly but steadily you made your way down the hall... to the sound of running footsteps and the sound of something breaking...

Demon!Dean: “Sam come on lets not play these games... why do you hide from your older brother...”

you steadied yourself and held the colt up high...

YN: “Demonic force that resides within Dean Winchester... i address the entity within thee... please dont make me do this...”

Demon!Dean turns to face you slowly after stopping in his tracks...

Demon!Dean: “YN baby i see you have managed to get up off the floor and clean yourself up... darling you really should be more careful with that, since when did i give you permission to touch that gun...”

YN: “you didnt i took it from your hiding place when i got up off the floor... you need to make sure that you pick better hiding spots...”

Demon!Dean: “and you need to make sure not to snoop...”

YN: “dont make me do this...”

you stayed tall and strong keeping the Colt trained on Dean...

Demon!Dean: “now now babe put the gun down... put it down or take your shot...”

you started to slowly put the gun down but then he charged towards you, Cas came out behind Dean and wrapped his arms around him from behind...

you took your shot, you shot Dean while he was in the arms of Cas, you watched between Cas’ angelic grace and the bullet from the colt the demonic energy that was within Dean now blinked away... now within the eyes of the man before you, blinked between the demonic force within and the Dean you fell in love with.

Cas: “ready YN im gonna keep holding onto him while you enact the final part of your plan... anytime now...”

that was your cue, you tossed the colt in the air running towards the man who stole your heart a thousand times over... you kissed him, he didnt react right away it was about 5 minutes into the kiss that he started to kiss you back...

thats when Cas let go, it made you feel normal to be back in Dean’s embrace... once the kiss broke you took him over to the security station you had set up and showed him all of what happened...

Dean: “i know that i wasn’t myself but i hurt you, i hurt the one person who means the world to me... i’m so sorry YN... you don’t deserve a guy like me... i’m a worthless piece of shit... to top it all off, we are expecting a baby... we are expecting i don’t know if i’m ready to be a father...”

Cas and Sam come back into the room making sure that it was safe first... then Sam took it upon himself to hand Dean his jacket, to which made you look with confusion but you didnt make anything of it.

Sam: “good luck buddy...”

you grab 3 glasses & the whiskey, while the charade continues... but wasnt expecting what happened next...

Dean: “dont touch your glass of whiskey yet.... YN there is something i wish to discuss with you first...”

You stared at Dean curiousity swimming in your mind... Dean took a small swig of his whiskey before he continued to speak...

Dean: “YN in all my years together never have i ever been so amazed by anyone. you’re strong, brave, talented, one of the best with a machete ive ever seen, i never would have seen myself being with someone who is as lovely and smart as you... YN i know we have just been through hell and back and both need a really good shower, but will you do me the incredible honor of marrying me and making me the luckiest man alive...”

YN: “yes yes yes...”

thats when Dean opened the ring box out of his jacket and slid the expensive but not expensive ring on your finger... the toasting lasted for 30 minutes before the cuts on your body cloted, and the blood on Dean crusted, but it was about time when you spoke again...

YN: “Dean no offense but you need a shower...”

Dean: “funny darling i could say the exact same thing about you....”

#heaven and hell bingo #spndarkbingo #spnkinkbingo

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one-night-story · 5 years

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Echoes of You (Spike Spiegel)

A/N: The formatting on this is h e l l. But when nostalgia slaps you and says “Fall in love with Spike Spiegel again.” You do as it’s says. Thus this

Roman Holiday had changed who she was so many times she didn’t remember who she was when she started. She’d been a drug lord, a spy, an informant, a bounty, a runaway. But these days, with blue and purple hair and a coat large enough to hide a pistol, she settled on being a ghost among the streets, listening and picking up information as she went. She found herself on Mars, mourning friends and paying dues. She was going to have to disappear again soon. But first, she needed food, scissors, and some hair dye; though she was uncertain what color. She tried walking into a convenience store when she ran into someone.

“Sorry about that.” The guy said. From that one comment Roman almost got whiplash. That voice shouldn’t be talking to her. That voice should’ve been dead. If not from the first time, then definitely the second time. She looked up at him and sure enough it was him. Spike Spiegel in all his blue suited, disheveled glory. And he looked just as shocked to see her. “Ro-?” He didn’t get to finish her name because she took off, sprinting in the opposite direction as fast as she could. He of course went after her, he always would, and she scaled a building to get to the roof. She pulled her pistol and waited for him to catch up.

“Who are you?” She asked.

“Ro don’t do this.”

“Tell me! Stop playing cruel tricks and just tell me!” She yelled. It couldn’t be him, it shouldn’t be him.

“Roman, it’s really me.”

“Bullshit, you died.”

“I didn’t,”

“Then you died again.”

“I’ve had worse.” He said with his trademark lazy smile. Roman almost let up at that. He still knew her weak points.

“Gimme the word.” She said, lowering her gun but not putting it away. He furrowed his brows and then figured it out.

“Lily.” He said. Roman lowered her pistol entirely and put it away. Her flower of choice. Julia had roses, she had lilies. Her whole form softened, though she was far from the Roman he used to know. Spike took a step forward to see if she’d let him and sure enough, she didn’t move. “It’s good to see you Roman. Glad to know you’re still picking up information.” He said. Roman shrugged and sat down, still keeping her distance.

“Nothing better to do on this dirt rock. You know you threw the whole operation into chaos, right? There’s a power vacuum with at least seven people trying to fill it.” She said. Spike sat across from her, a little closer than she would’ve liked, but she allowed it. She chalked it up to some primal part of her brain still wanting to keep him as close as she could. He pulled a cigarette from his pocket and stuck it in his mouth.

“What’s next for you then? Figure you’re not gonna stick around for that mess to sort itself out.” He said as he fished out a lighter and lit the cigarette. He took a drag and offered it to Roman. She took it and copied the movement. She never smoked unless she was with Spike. Again, she chalked it up to that primal part of her brain that was still 13 years old and hoped that she still stood a chance against a far prettier half-sister.

“I cut my hair, redye it and catch a flight out of here. I’m thinking Ganymede. Or the asteroids. Hell, I could go be a small fry in Tijuana.” She said.

“And what color will it be this time?” He asked. Roman’s mood was usually determined by her hair. She changed it with regimes, mood, the music she was listening to that month, and sometimes when she felt she had no control of anything. He watched as she thought over her answer.

“Red. Probably. Or pink. Julia always thought I’d look good with pink.” She said muttering the last part.

“You would.” He said. Roman tried to not flush to the color in question, but she never did take compliments well. “I remember she was constantly trying to push you out of the shadows.”

“I like the shadows. No one judges me there. I’m useful there.” Roman argued. Spike chuckled and took a drag from his cigarette. The motion was repeated when he passed it to her to take a drag.

“Maybe, but you have no reason to stay there. Unless you wanna start working for the police.” He said.

“I could be a bounty hunter.” She said with a shrug.

“Oh no, I don’t think I could have you competing for my dinner money too.” He said with his trademark smile. Roman laughed at his comment, a real laugh. Something she hadn’t done in a while. As she laughed, Spike watched her. Her face was lit up by the beginnings of sunset and neon. Her and Julia had no personality similarities, but sometimes they did have physical ones.

“I haven’t done that in forever.” She said when she finally calmed down. Spike smiled at her. She seemed lighter now, more at ease. It was like the laughter fit had locked her into a time machine and she had shed so many years of cynicism with ease. “What about you? What becomes of the great Spike Spiegel? Now newly undeceased again.” She asked. Spike thought it over. He wasn’t certain. He didn’t know if he could go back to the Bebop. But he didn’t know any other way of life. Maybe just him and Jet could strike out again. Maybe he needed to go forward. Maybe he needed to disappear.

“No idea. Maybe dye my hair and change planets.” He said. Roman rolled her eyes.

“Hey, don’t steal my one thing.” She said. Spike chuckled and actually gave her a genuine smile. They were silent for a minute, casually passing the cigarette between themselves. For a moment they felt like teenagers again, sharing cigarettes and sharing a moment of uncertainty. At least that’s how Roman always felt in moments like these. Until finally she broke the tension.

“Annie told me you came to see her.” She said as she looked down.

“Yeah. Thought I might finally kill him.”

“Ignored my bounty then.”

“Always did. Whenever it came up, no matter what the price, no matter what name you were under. I wouldn’t do that to you Roman.” He said. It felt like a whisper on the wind. Like if he said it any louder, he’d lose her like he lost Julia. Roman leaned into this, allowing one of her knees to knock into his. She needed this. She needed him. Outside of just that primal part that told her she was once 13 and crushing on the one person in the whole galaxy she couldn’t have.

“I look at you and I think… god what have we done with our lives? And what did it get us?” She said with what Spike could only describe as the truest form of sadness he’s ever seen from her. Roman Holiday kept all her cards close to her chest until one day, she’d die. But now? He felt like he was peering through a brick in her wall. “I loved my sister more than anything in this life. And I chose her happiness over mine, time and time again.” She scoffed and leaned back on her hands. “God I can’t believe I’m saying this.”

“What?” He asked. He wasn’t sure what was coming next, but curiosity killed him to know.

“A million years ago, she said to me “this one’s mine.” So, I stood by.” She said. “And I knew I shouldn’t do anything, I should just leave and pretend I never met you. But Julia,”

“She was too kind for that.” He said as his brain was slowly putting the pieces together. He had always wondered when they were kids, even before Roman became a shadow figure, why she always seemed to fall into that point, even when Julia brought her out, or when he tried to talk to her. But now he got it. She’d been hiding pain this whole time.

“I should go.” She said. She stood up and dusted herself off. Spike stood up as well and grabbed her wrist before she could go anywhere.

“Don’t disappear again.” He said. Roman looked down at her beat up shoes, trying to hide what had just come to pass.

“You can’t ask that of me.” She said.

“Ro, you’re all I’ve got left.”

“And who’s fault is that?” She snapped. Spike wanted to get offended. But he remembered an incident when they were younger, where he’d gotten too close and she’d snapped, and he retaliated. They didn’t speak for a month. Not until Julia forced them to, and not until after he’d brought her lilies. He sighed and plucked the nearly burnt out cigarette from his teeth and passed it to her. She took a drag and then stomped it out. She was still looking down at it when Spike brought her face to look up at him. Roman unintentionally leaned her cheek into his hand, blinking at him a couple of times.

“I won’t let this be the last time I see you Roman.” He said. Spike, at his core, was a deeply sentimental person. He couldn’t lose Roman. She reached up and brought his face to hers, giving him a small, soft and what Spike could only describe as a ghost of a kiss. Like she was afraid of what fully kissing him would mean. He kissed her cheek in turn, letting it sit there a little longer than either of them expected. When they separated, they put the distance back between them. Once again, afraid of what the closeness would do to them. She tossed him a comm unit she had pocketed off some guy and he caught it with ease.

“Call that ship of yours.”

“Wouldn’t that be going backward?” He asked.

“One step backward to go miles forward? I think it’s worth it. Call them Spiegel.” She said. Spike nodded.

“Remember, pink.” He said. Roman gave him a small, soft smile and nodded.

“See you Space Cowboy.” She said as she ran off the edge of the roof, scaling down the building to go buy some scissors, some food, and some pink hair dye.

#spike spiegel #cowboy bebop #spike spiegel imagines #if that’s even a thing #cowboy bebop imagines #in which em writes

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islareeveswriting · 6 years

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Time is a healer.

Molly knew how true that was. Even her bruised, but maybe not completely broken, heart had been healed by a few weeks of nurture. It seemed there was nothing a little time couldn’t wrap its arms around and restore to what it had once been before. It couldn’t erase scars left behind by battles that had gone on for a little to long not to leave a mark, but it did make them fade, and a little easier to hide. After nearly two months, Molly felt like she was back to herself and moving forward. At least emotionally.

Physically, Molly felt like she’d been hit by a convoy of ten tonne trucks. Everything ached, her eyes felt tired, her head felt heavy, and her throat felt like it had made good friends with a parmesan grater. What had started as a bad hangover, had quickly developed into a cold and had continued to get worse from there. Three days had passed since she’d woken up in Harry’s bed, and the headache she’d had that morning was yet to disappear for more than a few paracetamol induced hours.

University had started back up, and after her first lecture of the new semester Molly had a pile of research waiting on her desk for her. However, mustering the energy to actually make some progress on it was a challenge. It was only likely to be added to after her two pm portfolio presentation workshop that afternoon, but still Molly had left the house that morning with her research project as untouched as it had been when she’d thrown the file on her desk two days ago and collapsed on her bed. Again.

It was a typical January day. The light that managed to make it through the thick, virtually black, clouds hardly lit up the streets at all, and it was a wonder they’d bothered to turn the street lights off. The air was bitter, it seemed winter was only getting colder as spring should have approached, and there was an ever present threat of torrential rain. The clouds were dark enough, but they just seemed to be keeping everyone on edge, not sure whether to brave the outside or hold refuge indoors with hot drinks and comforting food.

The cafe Amanda had chosen for their coffee date was virtually empty. Apart from Molly and Amanda, sat in a booth designed for six, there were two other tables being used. The two waitresses were as aware as Molly that they needn’t have both been there, and it was clear they were struggling to even appear busy, let alone actually be busy. Zak was the noisiest part of the cafe, his chattering and giggling cutting over the hushed conversations of everyone else there.

It had taken Amanda less than twelve hours to message Molly after meeting on Sunday morning at brunch, three days later, and they were sat opposite each other in a cafe around the corner from Amanda’s house, as if it was something they’d done a million times before. Molly hadn’t exactly been surprised Amanda had followed through with getting her number from Harry, but by the same token Molly wouldn’t have been surprised if it hadn’t happened either, and she wouldn’t have been offended. Molly was five years Amanda’s junior, and outwardly it appeared they didn’t have a lot in common. However, as Molly got closer to the end of her pot of tea, it was apparent the two of them had a lot more in common than anyone would have imagined.

Apart from the fact, Molly seemed to now be in the same boat Amanda had been in five years ago with Joe after ending a serious relationship, they both had older sisters they considered best friends, had both moved to the city they now called home for university, and had both felt an unfavourable welcome from Katie when they first met. The fact the blonde haired girl had been so cold at brunch had played on Molly’s mind ever since. It was hard to get the feeling that she’d been being judged for something she wasn’t aware of was hard to budge. Despite the fact Harry had been so quick to touch her leg with his knee each time Katie spoke to her like she was keeping score, he’d not mentioned it since. It wasn’t that Molly was necessarily expecting him to, it was just she wanted to know why it felt like daggers were being fired at her for the two hours she’d been sat opposite Katie.

Normally, Molly wouldn’t think anything of it, people could be cold when they didn’t know someone, she understood that, and it was fine. But Molly didn’t get the feeling Katie had been cold purely because she didn’t know Molly. The way she’d rolled her eyes when Harry called her love, had seemed so anxious to hear whether they were together or not, had given Molly the impression she was stepping on toes. Though why she couldn’t figure out.

At first she’d thought she might have asked Harry about it. It was clear from the look he gave her when Amanda had pushed her eggs over the table to Katie, that there were opinions on the blue eyed blonde who looked like she wouldn’t say boo to a goose. However, after their conversation in Harry’s car about Molly's body image issues, and after Harry opened up a little bit about his dad, Katie’s attitude towards her wasn’t exactly the most pressing thing on Mollys mind.

However, when Amanda bought the situation up over coffee, it felt like the universe was giving Molly a free pass to ask her questions and not feel guilty for one of Harry’s friends leaving a bad taste in her mouth.

“She’s erm,” Molly hesitated. Free pass or not she didn’t want to appear callous, and she’d always struggled to find a bad word to say about anyone. It felt even harder when what she wanted to say was based purely on a feeling rather than anything Katie had actually done. “Hard?” Molly tried. Amanda scoffed a laugh though and nodded her head.

“That’s one way of putting it.” Amanda supposed, lifting her eyebrows a little. Molly wasn’t sure what to say next, she rolled her lips together and dropped her eyes. It was hard to explain. If Harry hadn’t been sat next to her at brunch, and if Amanda hadn’t been so warm and welcoming, she knew she’d have felt incredibly uncomfortable at that table thanks to the way Katie acted towards her. Little comments, looks, her tone of voice. Molly wasn’t sure if it was intentional, but that didn’t mean it felt any less agreeable to Molly. The thing was Molly didn’t want to look two-faced, or put her foot in something she didn’t see coming. There could be a reasonable explanation for the way Katie had been, Molly knew little to nothing about any of Harry’s friends to be able to be sure either way. Molly was finding it hard to explain it without sounding like she was backstabbing someone she didn’t know from Adam.

“You don’t have to worry Molly, it’s not a secret that me and her don’t exactly get on.” Amanda went on. “When I first started seeing Joe she told anyone who would listen that I’d cheated on my ex multiple times, not true, and that Joe should be careful.” Amanda explained with a shrug. It appeared that, now, Amanda thought nothing of it, but Molly could bet that at the time it hadn’t been so easy to shrug away. “I didn’t even know her name.” Amanda finished, and the sting she’d felt was clear in her voice.

“Wow, that’s extreme.” Molly gaped, eyes widening a little. “Why did she do that?” Molly asked, but Amanda just shrugged, swallowing the sip of coffee she’d taken whilst Molly was taking in what she’d just said, trying, but ultimately, failing to understand it.

“I don’t really know, but I think it’s a jealousy thing.” Amanda guessed with a slight shrug, cradling the coffee cup in her hands.

“A jealousy thing?” Amanda just nodded. “What’s she jealous of?” Again Amanda shrugged. Molly couldn’t make head or tail of it and it confused her to say the least. Katie was a pretty girl, attractive, she was engaged to a man that seemed like a gentleman, and was good looking, strong, she had a good group of friends. Molly was at a loss for what she had to be jealous of, when Molly walked into the cafe with Harry, riddled with nerves and anxious to be liked by the friends of Harry’s he introduced her to. As far as Molly could see, if anything, it should have been the other way around.

“It’s weird, but she gets kinda territorial over those boys, like no one can be good enough for them apart from her.” Amanda said, but there was something about her voice that made Molly think it wasn’t so much of a guess anymore.

“She’s got Rich!” Molly stressed wide-eyed, her nose crinkling.

“I know.” Amanda confirmed. “That’s why I say it’s weird, but it is honestly like she doesn’t want any other girls in their lives apart from her.” She explained, or at least tried, all though it was clear from Molly’s face that it made absolutely no sense to her.

“The fuck?” Molly questioned. For a minute Molly tried to understand, put herself in Katie’s shoes. She imagined how she’d feel if Jimmy bought a girl home, introduced her to Molly and the rest of their housemates. The idea only filled Molly with excitement. Since she met Jimmy she knew he’d make a great boyfriend for the right person. In no circumstance could she imagine herself being jealous of a girlfriend of Jimmy, maybe if she turned out not be a nice person she might grow to dislike her, but never jealous.

“I mean maybe it’s something else with Harry, I dunno, maybe, I dunno,” Amanda started to trip over her words appearing unsure in a way that Molly doubted came to her very easily considering how confident she came across otherwise. She was quick to paper over it, carry on like she hadn’t saing anything; “part of me wonders as well if she’s worried someone will get down the aisle before her.” Amanda continued, but that only made Molly crease her brow more than she already had done, looking across the table to Amanda. “Her and Rich have been engaged for donkeys, he’s only just agreed to set a date and it’s still a year away.” Amanda explained. Molly rolled her eyes, she only felt more confused than she had done before they’d started the conversation.

“Considering Harry and I are just friends that’s not likely to be an issue is it?” Molly pointed out with a slight eye roll.

“You’re really still pulling that ‘just friends’ thing?” Molly didn’t say anything to answer Amanda’s question. If Molly was honest she didn’t know what they were doing. They seemed to be continuously testing boundaries, but never actually getting through them, maybe both a little scared of what waited on the other side for them. Apparently, Molly’s silence was answer enough for Amanda though. “Are you not bored of that yet?” She pushed, Molly dropping her eyes. “So that’s a yes.” Amanda pointed out, correctly. Molly was bored of it. She was fed up with trying to convince herself Harry didn’t make her feel something, that it wasn’t getting more intense every time she saw something glittering in his eye. And she was fed up of not being sure, but being entirely certain all at once, that she saw Harry doing the same.

“It’s not that I’m bored of it, just, well I didn’t expect to start feeling like this so soon after Ryan.” Molly tried to explain, because no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get away from the fact that two months after ending a four year relationship felt like too soon to be moving onto something new.

“Surely that tells you how real the feelings are.” Amanda suggested, scotting forward a little and glancing down at Zak who was scooting toy cars along the leather bench distractedly, beside her, seemingly completely oblivious to his mother’s conversation or that she’d even moved.

“You think?” Molly asked narrowing her eyes slightly, clearly unsure.

“Yeah, I know what it's like to come out of a long term relationship and feel like you won’t go there again for a long time to then bump into someone you really like, the fact you weren’t looking for it but found it anyway? That’s a sign.” Amanda told Molly with a reassuring certainty. Despite how sure Amanda sounded, Molly still couldn’t settle it in her own head, not completely at least, and she had to wonder if it was the same thing holding Harry back. Or if it was just that she hadn’t quite managed to teeter over the edge yet, and he didn’t want to be the one to push her. “He is smitten with you, you can tell by the way he looks at you.” Amanda announced, only making Molly blush and drop her eyes to the table in attempt to hide it. “Sorry, we don’t have to talk about this, so he didn’t warn you about Katie?” Amanda asked, taking another sip of her coffee as Molly lifted her gaze again, hoping the flush of her cheeks had died down.

“No, but maybe he’s not noticed it.” Molly mused with a slight shrug of her shoulders, the loose neckline of her jumper falling down for it.

“Oh he has, she’s like it with every girl.” Amanda pointed out, her words making Molly feel as disposable as the throwaway comment for a few moments. There was a familiar prickle inside her, but one she refused to let grow the way she had in Woodies a few nights ago. It was one thing to feel jealous of a nameless woman, but nameless faceless women, that bore no threat to something, that at that moment was nothing anyway, was completely ridiculous as far as Molly could see.

“Every girl?” She asked, nonetheless, her voice slightly higher than she’d anticipated.

“Well Shane’s ex, me, some girl Niall introduced last year.” Amanda listed, not mentioning Harry’s name once. Molly nodded, wondering if Amanda was holding something back for her benefit, and wishing she wouldn’t. “Don’t worry, you’re the first girl Harry has ever introduced to us, you’ve got nothing to worry about.” Amanda reassured quickly and a strange, unprecedented, feeling of relief washed over Molly.

“I’m not worried.” Molly clucked quickly, too quickly to be believable.

“Uh huh? That’s why you were squirming around like a worm on a fish hook.” Amanda smirked knowingly, one perfectly filled in eyebrow rising slightly. Molly just rolled her eyes and shook her head, not even bothering to hide the slight heat she was feeling under Amanda’s spotlight. “It’s cute, just go with it, what have you got to loose?”

“A bloody good friendship.” Molly pointed out.

“God if I had a pound for everytime someone didn’t go for it because they were scared of losing a friend.” Amanda groaned. “If you were meant be just friends forever, you wouldn’t fancy the pants off him, and if the friendship is that good it won’t be ruined by a kiss and a cuddle.” Molly sighed and began spinning her mug around in circles on the table, not sure what to say. It was hard to argue with someone who seemed so confident in what they were saying, even if Molly wasn’t entirely sure she agreed. “I’m sorry, I just can’t sit back, having seen how you are with one another and not say anything, it’s ridiculous.” Amanda sighed falling back into the seat.

“Ok, can we talk about something else other than how I apparently fancy the pants of Harry now?” Molly bargained. Amanda just chuckled and nodded. What was, or seemingly wasn’t, happening with Harry, wasn’t something Molly felt ready to discuss with anyone other than the voice in her head. It was hard enough for herself to make sense of her feelings, let alone trying to do so out loud for someone else.

They finished their drinks and chatted for another half an hour. It really didn’t feel like the first time the two of them had socialised together without a mutual friend. Conversation passed easily and the time quickly. When Molly checked her phone, her mug of tea empty, she realised she should really be leaving fairly soon to make it to the campus for her workshop.

“Well then little fella, we best let Molly get going.” Amanda sung, placing her cup on the mug and looking down at Zak, seemingly reading Molly’s mind. The little boy looked up at Zak with doey brown eyes that matched his mother’s exactly, before looking to Molly.

“Where’sa going?” Zak asked with a deeply creased brow, his lips a little pouty, the picture of confusion and slight disappointment.

“I’ve got to go to univers-school.” Molly settled on, guessing Zak wouldn’t have a comprehension of university. It did nothing to help the look on his face though, his eyebrows just lowered further and his bottom lip seemed to stick out more. It was evident Zak had no expectation for Molly to leave without them. “But I’ll see you again real soon.” Molly promised with a smile and a gleam in her voice. “Ok?” She offered. Zak sighed heavily, his little shoulders lifting and falling with discontent at, what seemed to be in Zak’s eyes, and unfavourable compromise.

“Ok.” He grumbled sadly, looking back down at the car in his hand and hitting it against the sofa.

“Are you ok? You don’t look so good.” Amanda pointed out, a glimmer of concern in her voice and over her face.

“Yeah think I’ve got a bit of a cold, nothing to worry about.” Molly smiled, though it felt like a massive effort to do so. Before leaving the house, she’d taken a couple of paracetamol to try and keep her aches at bay, however, through the morning, it had begun to wear off. She felt it in her shoulders first, it felt like she’d slept awkwardly, and then her face started to ache, and finally her head started to feel like it was being shut between a door, over and over again, her temples throbbing. The box of paracetamol was still sat on the kitchen side at home, Molly had anticipated the effects lasting until she got home from her workshop. Clearly, she’d been wrong.

Out on the street, the air still bitterly cold and the clouds still ominously dark, Molly and Amanda said a hasty goodbye, both wanting to get back indoors and out of the weather as quickly as possible. On insistence from Amanda, Zak managed to pull his little hand out from the blanket tucked around him, in his pushchair, to give Molly a wave goodbye. Molly couldn’t blame him, if she had a choice she’d be tucked up with, what looked like, a handmade woollen blanket, rather than cocooned in a puffy, waterproof parka that didn’t do a whole lot for the cold. Even the fur lined hood didn’t keep much warmth in, and she was trying not to shiver as she stood saying goodbye.

With a promise to see each other again soon, they both headed in separate directions, Amanda off to her warm, well heated home, and Molly off to the cold, open, workshop room on campus. Of course Molly knew where she’d rather be heading, but making a start on her portfolio was important. More important than getting cosy with a cup of tea on her bed, and more important than the sleep her heavy eyes were telling her she needed. Even if the idea alone of pyjamas, tea and her bed made her warmer than the fluffy socks she had on under her boots or the jumper and coat combo she was wearing. It didn’t matter when she had her second year portfolio to get her head around, the first one that really mattered.

No one had ever expected Molly to choose a fashion degree, it had surprised Molly at first as well, but when she really thought about it, it made far more sense than going into teaching the way she’d always planned. As a child she was going to be a teacher, once she got to secondary school that progressed to art teacher, because at least that sat well with her creative nature. It wasn’t until her textiles teacher asked her if she’d considered any design schools for university that the idea of doing anything other than teaching entered her head.

For a long time she’d kept the thought to herself, mulled it over, secretly looked into design courses. Miss Edwards said she was more than capable, and nothing beat the buzz that she got from bringing her designs to life. It wasn’t until she opened up to the idea, that she really realised the thrill she got from men’s fashion and tailoring projects. The excitement far exceeded that of anything she’d done in art, or the idea of standing in front of a classroom filled with rowdy teenagers, the majority of who wouldn’t even want to be in an art class.

It had made her nervous, telling her parents that she’d changed her mind about following in their footsteps and going into teaching, but they’d been supportive as they always had. Just as supportive as when Jeanie told them she didn’t want to continue with education at all, and would rather go off travelling around South East Asia and Australia. It was always a case of whatever was best for them, whatever was going to make their daughters happy, they could get behind. Molly didn’t know why she always got so nervous about telling her parents something somewhat life changing, because the reaction had always been positive. It was Ryan that doubted it, made her question it for a second, before she walked into her Textiles classroom and was handed her ticket to men’s London Fashion Week and squealed with excitement.

There was no doubt. Suddenly she felt like she was born to study Fashion and Textile design, to work in that industry, and get a buzz from it everyday.

Everyday, Molly still did get a buzz that she was able to do something she loved, was making steps to being able to carve a career in something that made her heart sing. However, she still felt an unnecessary need to please people, to prove that she’d made the right decision, and she wasn’t wasting time and money studying something that could end in a dead end retail career; as Ryan had so kindly put it after she’d submitted her UCAS application to five universities for fashion design courses.

Looking back, how she’d been with him so long was a question she couldn’t answer. He’d never been supportive. But that was done now, and what she’d learned was although she didn’t need someone by her side to be supportive of her every move, she did want it.

The previous workshop hadn’t kicked out when Molly rocked up outside. Looking at her phone she was only five minutes earlier so she rested against the wall, beside the door and waited patiently for two pm to tick around. It was rare to walk into a workshop straight after another group had been in there. Normally Molly would walk straight into the room and make herself comfortable to wait for the class to start. As it was, she waited in the cold corridor, cuddling her arms around herself, and praying to god someone had wheeled an electric heater into the room.

“Molly.” Molly snapped her head up. She’d only meant to rest her eyes, but it appeared she was close to drifting off, standing against the wall, her head fallen into her chest. Quickly she felt her cheeks reddening as she flicked her head around to find her lecturer looking at her confused. Max Hambleton had worked for Calvin Klein and Tom Ford in New York, and done a stint in Milan for various designers. Not to mention the chorus of high end fashion magazines he’d worked for. Yet Molly was being called to consciousness by him in a university corridor. It wasn’t exactly how she wanted him to remember her, but she was sure he now would. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine sorry.” Molly hastened, straightening herself and hoisting her bag up onto her shoulder further. Max just looked her up and down a little, a slight furrow in his clearly botoxed brow as Molly moved from the wall to get in through the door.

“Are you sure you’re feeling ok?” Max asked again, pulling the door closed behind him. “You don’t look so good.” He explained folding his arms across his chest as a concerned look ran across his features, still looking over Molly’s colourless face an dim eyes.

“So everyone keeps saying.” Molly grumbled, shrugging at her bag again for no real reason. “It’s just a cold, I’m fine.” Molly explained, though the depth and croak of her voice did nothing to evidence that she was indeed fine.

“I’m sending you home.” Max instructed after a few seconds of looking over Molly again. There was no getting away from just how un-herself she looked. She looked drained and like she hadn’t slept in weeks, though it had barely been days.

“I’m fine.” Molly tried again, but Max shook his head and opened the door.

“No, you need to go home and rest.” He insisted with wide eyes. It was often easy to forget workshop leaders were teachers, they, particularly Max, had a tendency to act more like a friend. However, when he used that tone, and wore that look, it was very clear he was the one in charge. “I’ll send you the notes and the assignment, but I don’t want to see you again until you don’t look like you’ve just done twenty rounds with Muhammad Ali, ok?” Matt told her, one hand on the door handle, the other on his hip. Molly sighed and shook her head, looking down at her black Timberlands. It wasn’t what she wanted at all, but it was quite evident there wasn’t a choice.

“Fine.” Molly grumbled, turning on her heel and walking away, only glancing over her shoulder when she heard the door shut.

If Molly was brutally honest with herself, she felt a little relieved to be heading back home. The morning, that had consisted of not a lot, had taken it out of her, and with the tablets she’d taken now leaving her system, every limb was aching, literally, for her bed and a little sleep. Normally a missed workshop, lecture, seminar, might keep her awake, but she was fairly certain, feeling how she currently was, there was very little that would stop her falling asleep the second her head hit the pillow. Even so she knew she’d be checking her emails the second she got in for Max’s promised notes so she could print and read over them that night with a cup of tea.

The busses were running behind schedule. The wait for Molly’s bus was twelve minutes when she got to the bus stop and stood under the shelter out of the wind. There was no one else about, a couple of students wandering down the road towards the campus, but other than that no one. Molly seemed to be the only one who made enough effort to be out on the gloomiest day of the new year so far.

For a mere second she considered calling a taxi. She had numbers saved in her phone from nights out, just in case, though they were rarely used. The cold was getting to her, and she was only getting more tired. Molly even opened her bag to start hunting for her phone before she stopped herself. She’d paid forty pounds for a months bus pass to see her through the bitterest of winter months, and she’d be damned if she didn’t get her moneys worth. Looking at the announcement board, she saw two minutes had passed already. Only ten minutes and she’d be on a warm bus that would take her virtually to her front door. It really wasn’t that bad in the grand scheme of things.

It was the slowest ten minutes of her life. Two other busses came and went, but neither of them were the one Molly required. When it did eventually pull up into the stop, Molly felt frozen to her core and she couldn’t stop the shivering anymore. Her fingers were shaking as she flicked her bus pass card against the ticket machine and wandered up the narrow galley for an empty double seat. A bus chair had never felt so good, and her feet rested against the hot air blower under the seat she’d hoped would be free.

Slowly, Molly got warmer, but the shivering didn’t cease, in fact it only seemed to increase. Each stop passed in a blur of passengers, and Molly only got hotter, to the point she considered taking her coat off, but never did, enjoying the blanketing feeling it was giving her as she cuddled it around herself and snuggled her chin down into it. Not to mention, the fact she was still shaking from cold, so perhaps she wasn’t as warm as she thought.

When the bus eventually got to her road, Molly leaned forward and pressed the button, hoiking herself up from the seat with a great deal of effort and dragging herself off the bus, thanking the driver as she passed the little window he sat behind. The cold hit her again instantly and her teeth chattered as she walked, as fast as she could, for the severe lack of energy to her house. The lights in the entrance way, and their kitchen were on, she could see that. Of course that didn’t mean anyone was in. No one was guilt-free when it came to forgetting to turn lights off before leaving the house.

Molly began to rummage in her huge back for her house keys before she got to the door. Of course they were right at the bottom, tangled around her portable charger lead that had somehow escaped from the pouch she kept it in. There was nothing that made Molly want to untangle them there and then, so she just tugged at the keys until they were released enough to be useable and awkwardly let herself in.

The noise hit her immediately. Loud chanting and cheering that reminded her of the headache she hadn’t forgotten about anyway. The laughter was boisterous and the voices low, chorusing from the front room. Molly groaned to herself as she dropped her bag to the floor and kicked her boots off. Never in her life had Molly walked around with socks on her feet, she hated the sensation, but even that came second to trying to keep the warmth she’d worked up inside her body rather than letting it out. She padded through to the kitchen, barely lifting her feet, rather scuffing them across the cheap laminate that was chipped and dented in places.

A large group of boys were crowded into the living space of the house, spread out of the chairs and floor, taking over the whole room. Ben was sat on the arm of the big three seater sofa, a controller in his hand. Little cartoon looking men were running around on the screen and Molly could have cried. Noticing the light had been on, she’d just hoped someone had left it on, as was normally the case. Instead, it meant her house was filled with Ben’s football team friends for an afternoon of video games before their weekly night out with the netball team. Molly was staring hopelessly at them, wishing they’d just disappear, when Ben turned around with a wide smile on his face having just scored a goal.

“Alright Mol?” He asked, turning back to the TV. “Look a bit rough.”

“Yeah got a cold, and a banging headache.” Molly told him, putting emphasis on the headache part, hoping he’d get the hint, though Ben didn’t seem to hear at all, just nodded. “I’m going to bed.”

“Ok, have fun.” Molly rolled her eyes, groaned loudly and snatched the box of paracetamol tablets from the kitchen side where she’d left them that morning, before traipsing back out to her bedroom, grabbing her bag as she went.

The rest of the flat was dark, and Molly’s bedroom was no different. Even with the blinds open the natural light seeping through was minimal. Despite that she shut them, darkening the room further and falling to sit on her bed. There was a glass of water on the side from that morning and she swallowed two of the tablets with a mouthful of it easily. Finally she shrugged her coat off and pushed it onto the floor so she could get comfy under her duvet.

Molly shut her eyes and tried to let sleep take her, but the noise travelling through from the living room was hard to get away from. The thin walls and doors that didn’t quite reach the floors meant Molly could hear virtually every word, and definitely every sound that came from the congregation of boys that were getting far too excited over a video game. It was sods law that the one afternoon Molly actually wanted the house to herself, or at least for the house to be quiet, it was full of people. Noisy people.

Feeling the way she was, Molly thought sleep would come easily regardless of anything else. However, as she tossed and turned in her bed, she realised she was wrong. She began to feel restless, her aching legs frustrating her with their unwillingness to relax. Uncomfortable didn’t quite cut it, but getting out of bed to undress and put pyjamas on didn’t seem appealing either. Sleep was all she wanted, a long deep sleep that would rid her of the headache, and the restlessness, and the grating of her throat.

Finally with her head covered by her duvet, one leg tucked up to her chest, the other stretched across the bed, Molly felt comfortable. Her mind started to switch off and through duvet the noise that had been irritating her became nothing more than a background buzz that was easier to ignore.

It felt like she’d only just begun to doze off when her phone rang loud through the silence she’d found and jolted her back to consciousness aggressively. It was never going to be urgent, but Molly was so stunned into being awake again, that she found herself scrambling from her bed for her phone, still in her coat pocket. When she finally pulled it out, Harry’s name and contact photo, on she’d taken of him the last time they’d been together, flashed on the screen. She slid it across to answer and fell back into her bed.

“Hello?” Molly answered groggily.

“Oh sorry were you asleep?” Harry asked and she could hear the concern in his voice, over the noise of crashing around in the background.

“Trying to.” Molly told him, yawning as she did so.

“Oh sorry love, thought I’d caught you after your workshop.” Harry explained, the background noise ceasing and a loud slam of a car door sounding instead. “Was gonna ask if you wanted to hang out?” Harry asked. Molly’s tummy flipped. She would have loved to, spending the evening with Harry sounded perfect, but her still pounding headache, and yet to be resolved lack of sleep were telling it probabaly wasn’t the best move.

“I’d love to, but I got sent home from uni ill so should probably just rest up.” Molly lamented sadly, combing her hair away from her face. Even that hurt her sensitive head and made her wince her little as she took her fingers from the tangled lengths steadily.

“You got sent home!?” Harry cried in disbelief. “I told you you were sick and should get rest.” Harry reminder her, Molly rolling her eyes having anticipated that reaction. Since Sunday evening Harry had told her countless times he thought she was getting ill and needed to rest, she’d insisted it was just a bit of a cold and would pass, though Harry wasn’t so sure, and had clearly been right not to be so easily convinced. “Well you need to sleep.”

“I’m trying, Ben’s got all the football lads here and they’re causing a right racket.” Molly complained, staring through the walls as if the boys four rooms down might be able to feel her glare through the bricks.

“Really?” Harry asked, Molly just hummed in response. “Wanna come to mine?” Harry asked. Molly didn’t say anything for a minute, Harry did though; “It’ll be quiet, and warm.” He told her and Molly knew that would be true. Harry’s flat had been just the right temperature every time she’d been there, even her tendency to feel the cold hadn’t been able to prevail, and Molly was fairly certain even the M25 was currently more quiet than her flat.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to get ill as well.” Molly warned him.

“Of course I’m sure, it’s fine.” Harry promised. “Look, I’m just packing up at work, give me an hour or so and I’ll come and grab you yeah?” Molly hadn’t realised it was that late in the day until then, but suddenly it made sense that her room felt darker than it had before. Maybe she had caught a bit of sleep somewhere in her fogged head.

“Ok.” Molly smiled.

“And hey, we get to hang out too.” Harry pointed out and she swore she could hear the grin on his face.

“True.”

“Ok, well I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Will do, thank you.” Molly smiled to herself, content in the warmth she was feeling from Harry’s offer and the idea of spending the evening in his flat with him.

“Of course.” Harry breathed, before they said their goodbyes and Harry ended the call, eager to get packed up at work. Molly was just as eager, she couldn’t wait to see him. It had been two days since they’d seen each other, of course they’d spoken, every night on the phone, but nothing beat actually being in his company. It was sickeningly addictive, and spending time with him was sweet and soft. Suddenly Molly felt a little spring in her step, and she wanted to do anything possible to make the time go quicker until Harry was knocking on her door again. It wasn’t anything Molly had ever experienced before. It was so different to what she’d had with Ryan. The feeling inside her was far more exciting, and somehow more blissful.

Looking back, how things with Ryan had happened had been predictable. What was moving with Harry seemed to come from nowhere, and the unexpected nature of it only made it more thrilling and exciting. Though that wasn’t the only reason she felt a constant kaleidoscope of butterflies in her tummy and the mere mention of his name, let alone his voice, or his presence. There was something about it, something more than the undoubted rugged good looks he had, or his strong sure stature, or how he could go from a dark smirk to bubbly grin in under two seconds. It was the way he made Molly feel. In the five months they’d known one another, he’d made her feel more comfortable with being herself, and more at home, than she realised she could. He took it to another level for her, that she wasn’t aware existed. It could have been frightening if it didn’t feel so good.

Molly always had the tendency to blow things out of proportion, to stress over the small stuff, it was just part of her nature. Somehow, Harry made that not feel so necessary. Somehow he made even the big stuff feel like it didn’t need a second of her brain space or her attention. Everything felt easy around him. Apart from maybe being around him.

Every now and again, a little flutter of nerves would rise their head when they were together. Normally when she was under his intense gaze, his eyes locked on her as he waited for her to say something, or answer a question, or make a decision. It was getting more frequent though. When he’d been sat casually shirtless in his living room, seemingly entirely unaware of the effect he had on her. The way he’d looked at her in Nancy’s hallway. The feeling of his knee tapping against hers under the table at brunch and how for a second she’d wished, thought, it was his hand making home on her thigh.

It wasn’t nerves that made her feel sick, or scared her, or made her aware of something she should avoid. Instead it was nerves that ignited every part of her and burned through her like friendly fire. It wasn’t nerves she wanted to stop or make go away, take deep breaths through to ease. It seemed to be getting worse every time they moved closer into each other's orbits and everytime they took a little step away from ‘just friends’, everytime they got closer to diving into that water together. The water seemed clearer than it had before, far less rocks to get stuck on, and much smoother. It seemed like it would be blissful.

Seeing as her phone was already in her hand, Molly used the time she was anxious to pass to check her emails for the notes from Max. It was there second from the top, under a promotional email from Victoria’s Secret. ‘Intro to portfolio presentation notes.’ Molly clicked on it and opened up the attachment. It wasn’t the best device for reading over the notes, but her mind wasn’t exactly in the right place to take it all in properly, so it made no odds.

There were only eight slides on the powerpoint presentation, and the bullet points made for light easy reading. It was mostly basic ideas that Molly had already started to get her head around in first year. Obviously it meant more now, with the marks she got this year going towards her overall degree grade, and the few added tips and pointers were useful. Molly already had an idea in her mind for the ‘re-imagining’ project though. It had only been introduced to her two days ago in her first seminar of the semester, but by the time she was home she had inspiration in her head, and fabric samples practically bought.

It wasn’t unusual for Molly to get ahead of herself, and eventually she’d slow down, and probably panic and set herself back as she started to think too much rather than go with the direction her creativity was pulling her in. However, in that moment, she was excited about the prospect. It gave her an excuse to work on menswear, which was something she didn’t really need an excuse for, and also a chance to put her tailoring skills to use.

The notes seemed to take longer for her to get through, but only because she kept getting distracted by the picture examples Max had included with inspired ideas of her own. When the knock on the door sounded heavy around the flat, Molly jumped to attention, suddenly remembering the doorbell they still had yet to get fixed. Molly got up from her bed and all but skipped to her bedroom door. When she got out to the hallway, Ben was already stood with it open, letting Harry into the house, the two of them chattering and laughing.

“Hey.” Molly called drawing their attention. Harry spun his head to her and grinned quickly. “Mind if I just get changed into something comfier?” Molly asked. She’d been intending on getting changed before Harry turned up, but she hadn’t expected him to be so quick.

“Of course.” Harry nodded. Ben invited Harry into the lounge as Molly turned back to her room to get changed. Folded on her desk were the grey leggings Lauren had bought her for Christmas, the ones that matched the pair Lauren owned and Molly always told her she loved, with the black waistband and brand name written around it. Molly pulled them on, they were the softest things she’d ever worn and she loved them. They suited her current state perfectly, along with the navy hoodie folded underneath them. It was far from her most stylish look, but she didn’t care even an ounce about that, and just to push the point she pulled on a pair of fluffy socks and slid her feet into her Adidas Superstars before going back out to the lounge to find Harry with her handbag on her shoulder.

“Manchester United? Why?” Ben was asking, sat back in the same spot he had been earlier, Harry stood beside him with his arms folded across his chest, both glued to the computer generated football game two of Ben’s friends were playing.

“That’s where I’m from.” Harry laughed, and Molly felt herself being taken back. She’d always noted Harry’s slightly northern accent, but somehow it still took her by surprise.

“I didn’t know that.” She noted from the kitchen, checking through her bag that she had everything she could need and throwing the box of paracetamol into it.

“You never noticed his accent before Mol?” Ben chuckled. Molly just gave him a glare, until he turned back to the TV with an amused grin on his face. Harry was striding towards her, hands in the black zip up fleece he was wearing, covered in dust, and chuckling to himself. It wasn’t Molly hadn’t noticed, in fact it was one of the first things she’d noticed aside from his annoyingly good looks, but it was never confirmed and it just seemed to point out how little Molly knew about Harry’s past.

“You really are ill huh love?” Harry chided once he was close enough. Molly just rolled her eyes at him and coughed dramatically only earning enough throaty laugh from Harry. “Ready for some R&R then?” He asked.

“Definitely.” Molly smiled, sliding her arm through the bend in Harry’s that he outstretched for her to do so, deciding in her kitchen, with a living room full of boys wasn’t the place to start asking about Harry’s childhood, and also wondering if there ever would be a time and a place.

The drive out to Harry’s place felt peaceful. Molly found herself pushing as far back into the seat as she could and wrapping herself in the teddy bear coat she’d pulled on before leaving. The heating system was chucking out warm air that made her feel sleepy, the low light of the street lamps only aiding it. It had started to rain at last, and gentle spots of water tapped at the glass as Harry drove through it towards his house. They had the music turned low, to a volume that didn’t make Molly’s head pound anymore than it already was, and was also conductive to a little conversation about the days they’d both just had. Molly made the decision not to mention the conversation she’d had with Amanda about Katie, it didn’t feel necessary, but she did mention that she’d had a really lovely lunch with her, though neither of them had eaten anything.

Once they were in Harry’s flat, Harry was quick to kick off his work boots and strip off his fleece, the polo shirt underneath tight fitting and hugging every muscle it covered. The flat was already heated, the underfloor pipes obviously having kicked in at some point that afternoon in anticipation of Harry’s return from work. It meant Molly could slip her trainers and socks off and not worry about cold feet the way she had in her house. Harry flicked on a few lights as he went through the living room, Molly following once she’d taken her coat off and put her bag tidily in the corner of the entrance way.

“Feeling pretty rough then?” Harry asked, flicking on the lamp on the table beside the sofa. It felt like the cosy winter night it was. The lightbulbs Harry had chosen were dim, golden, inoffensive to Molly’s slightly sensitive eyes, and the rain was tickling against the glass gently.

“Yeah.” Molly nodded, jutting her bottom lip out a little, making Harry chuckle.

“Oh dear, poor Lolly.” Harry sympathised enthusiastically. “Do you think you should book a doctors appointment?” Harry asked, stepping a little closer to Molly, rolling his bottom lip into his mouth and chewing on it a little.

“Nah I’m not registered here and I’m not going all the way home for what I’m certain is just a cold.” Molly shrugged, toying with the sleeves of her hoodie.

“You’re not registered here!?” Harry gawped his head shooting forward and his eyes widening enough to crease his forehead. Molly just shook her head. She’d just never bothered, never really gotten around to it, and she rarely went to the doctors anyway, it felt rather pointless. “You should register here, what if it wasn’t just a cold?” Harry pressed, folding his arms across himself loosely.

“Yeah but it is, so it doesn’t matter.” Molly assured, maintaining eye contact with Harry as she did so. Molly saw his jaw tighten and she knew he wanted to argue the point. It only took a second though and he seemed to decide it was pointless, sighing and letting the tension leak out of him until he seemed relaxed again.

“What if it gets worse?” Harry asked quietly, and it was Molly’s turn to roll her eyes.

“If it gets worse, which it won’t, it’s a cold, I’ll think about going to the doctors.” Molly bargained monotonously. Of course she appreciated the concern, but she still wished Harry would listen to her and trust her when she was telling him she was ok. She was. She had a cold, maybe a bad cold, but a cold nonetheless.

“Want a bath before dinner?” Harry offered and Molly was visibly taken back, but Harry didn’t seem fazed just walked past her and headed for the bathroom. Molly turned to watch him go, open the bathroom door and turn the light on. “I’ve got some bath oil that’s good for colds, and a couple candles, baths always help.” Harry was chatting away, head in the under sink cupboard when Molly rounded the bathroom door, peering in as Harry fell back onto his knees inspecting a small, brown glass bottle, a purple label across it. “How do you feel about lavender?” Harry asked, looking up to Molly from where he was sat.

“Sure, but you don’t have to do this, I’m happy just chilling on the couch with you for the evening.” Molly told him, her hands holding onto the door frame gently, tipping her head to rest against it too.

“Nah, a bath will do you good, I’ll rustle up some soup while you’re in here.” Harry told her as he got to his feet and flicked the bath taps on, flicking his finger tips under the stream to check the water. “If you don’t feel better after this, you really might have to go to the doctors.” Harry jested with a smirk.

“Best make it good then, cause I’m not going to the doctors.” Molly sung sarcastically, Harry just huffing a sort of laugh as he turned his head from Molly to the bath slowly filling with water.

The tub was huge, deeper than the grandiose bath in her mother and father’s ensuite that never got used. Molly sunk into the warm water, the lights dimmed and candles lit around the room, the way Harry had left it for her, before he called her back to the bathroom to get undressed for her bath. There was black fluffy towel on the radiator keeping warm for when she was done, and Harry had left a bottle of shower gel beside the bath for her as well, the same one from last time. He’d apologised for his lack of feminine scents, but Molly had told him she didn’t mind and actually quite liked the smell of his shower gel, which had left her blushing and eager to shut the door, and Harry smirking knowingly, reading between the lines the way he did so well.

Harry was of course right, the bath instantly eased the ache in her limbs and she felt lighter for it as she closed her eyes and let out a contented sigh. The lavender oils that was coming off the water, through the mountains of bubbles that covered Molly entirely, eased her stuffy nose a little and helped relax her entirely. Molly had never had a bath like it, but she doubted she could go back to the plain water baths she was used to. Baths had never been Molly’s thing, she’d always preferred showers, but baths like the ones Harry had drawn for her, she could get used to those.

It was so tranquil, and despite the cold, Molly had never felt so relaxed. There wasn’t a sound apart from the occasional ripple of the water as she moved, or a slight sound of Harry in the kitchen. For the first time in three days Molly genuinely felt ok, rather than that she was running on empty with a constant headache.

Slowly she opened her eyes. Molly had no idea how long she’d been laying in the bath, but the temperature of the water had started to drop. With a sigh she pulled herself up, but apparently a little too quickly as her vision took a moment to catch up with her head. Even when it did, it still felt fuzzy and a little light. Molly just shook her head and got to her feet stepping out of the bath and reaching for the towel all in one movement. It was as she was wrapping the towel around her dripping wet body though, that her vision started to blur and spot even more.

It was an unfamiliar sensation, like somewhere between lying in the bath and getting out of it she’d forgotten her head. It felt light and disassociated with her body. It sounded like her ear drums were humming, and there was a severe sensation of nausea in her throat. Molly reached out for the light switch and flicked it on, wondering if it was the oddly low lighting that was making her feel out of sorts. It made no odds though, if anything it made it worse, her head started to pound, harder than it had all day, as well as feel fuzzy and disconnected to anything tangible.

Steadily Molly sat herself on the closed toilet seat lid and took a few deep breaths. She’d heard about people passing out, but it had never happened to her before, she had an idea that was what happening though, or trying to happen as her head only felt stranger and more dark spots made their way over her vision. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut, but that didn’t make the spots disappear, instead the outskirts of her vision just got dark and hazy too.

“Harry.” Molly called loudly, her heart rate increasing somewhat and her breathing getting faster along with it. There was a low ringing noise in her ear, but she couldn’t hear anything over it, unable to tell if Harry was coming or not she called for him louder. “Harry!” She cried, staring at the door waiting for it to open. Every part of her was shaking, though her skin felt clammy and hot.

“You ok?” Molly heard him shout through the door over the din in her noise. Of course he was being polite and wasn’t about to just barge through the door, but Molly half wished he would as she began to find it harder to see and breathe, panic setting in.

“I think I’m going to pass out.” Molly sputtered loudly, and then the door did swing open aggressively, flying nearly off its hinges as Harry rushed in. Through the dark parts of her vision and the spots Molly could just about make out the blurry edges of Harry coming towards her. Tears were beginning to gather in her eyes which only made it harder to make him out, until he was in front of her, kneeling on the tiles and holding her shoulders firmly. “I can’t see.” Molly shook, quaking under Harry’s grasp.

“It’s ok, you’re ok,” Harry started suredly, his grip on her holding her steady. “Put your head down.” Harry instructed moving to the side a little and encouraging her to bend over herself. One of his hands slid from the top of her arm along her back, resting across her spine, the large expanse of it covering a vast part of her middle back. She could feel the warmth from his wrist to the tips of his fingers but the shivering didn’t stop, and the nausea just kept rising and falling, as if on the worst rollercoaster of her life. “Lolly, relax, I’m here, I’m not gonna let anything happen to you.” There was promise in his voice, and Molly couldn’t, not believe him.

You’re ok. Molly repeated in her head, taking slow deep breaths and grounding herself in the feeling of her lungs filling and emptying as she did so, and Harry’s hand gentle but steady on her back. He’s here. She reminded herself, noting how she could just feel the softness of his breath on her bare shoulder, like candy floss brushing against her skin, but warmer. He’s not going to let anything happen to you. Steadily she lifted her head, her vision seemed to be coming back, the spots decreasing and the blurry edges solidifying again.

“Steady.” Harry advised, moving background in front of her as Molly lifted her head and blinked, slowly, a few times, bringing Harry into focus.

“It’s ok, I can see now.” Molly told him quietly, clearing her throat from how it had clenched up around the panic she’d felt.

“Your head?” Harry asked gently, his forearms resting on her bent knees so his hands could reach her arms and cradle them.

“Still a little light.” Molly told him.

“Feel sick?” He questioned, and Molly nodded. “Ok, just calm down for a sec.” Harry instructed relaxing a little bit as Molly began to swallow on nothing and calm herself down. Under his touch her skin was sticky from a light sweat, it didn’t worry him in the slightest though, he just brushed the pad of his thumb against her goose pimpled arms. “Bit low on sugar?” Harry guessed. “What did you eat today?” Molly thought back on her day. She hadn’t eaten with Amanda, or since then. That morning, she’d attempted a bowl of cereal but hadn’t got very far with it before deciding on an apple for breakfast. “Have you eaten today?”

“An apple.” Molly told him honestly, wincing a little, already expecting the reaction she would get.

“An apple!?” Harry shot. “Lolly, you’ve gotta eat? Why haven’t you eaten anything?”

“I just forgot.” Molly told him, again honestly. In the blur of meeting Amanda and getting to university only to get sent home, food hadn’t come to her mind. Apart from that, she didn’t exactly have an appetite.

“How do you forget to eat?” Harry sighed, shaking his head as his lips twisted a little. Molly just shrugged. “Nevermind, how’s your head feeling?”

“Better, just sore.” Molly told him, and Harry nodded.

“Come lie down for a minute.” Harry suggested, moving back and taking Molly’s hands. They stood up together hand in hand, Harry steading Molly with an arm around her middle once they were on their feet. Molly held the towel around herself with one hand, she had it tucked into itself, but she didn’t want it to fall down. As they were leaving the bathroom, Harry grabbed Molly’s clothes from where she’d folded them on the floor and led her out to his bedroom. “Just have a lie down for a bit.” Harry told her, his arm sliding from around her, though his other one still held onto one of hers as she sat down and swung around, lying back on the perfectly made bed. “I’ll just grab you some water.”

Harry disappeared from the bedroom and Molly made herself more comfortable, making sure she was well covered by the towel before he came back. It felt like two steps back, the bath had been glorious, but she felt worse that she had before thanks to the turn. When Harry came back seconds later with a large pint glass of water she smiled at him, scooting over so he could sit on the edge of the bed beside her.

“Just sip it.” He told her, handing the glass to Molly and taking the seat she’d made for him, as she thanked him . Molly did as she was asked taking a small sip and relishing in the ice cold water running down her throat. Harry watched, eyes scanning over her as if looking for marks or injuries. Of course there were none to find but even then the worried look didn’t run off his face easily. The concern was swimming in his eyes as he looked at Molly and tugged at his bottom lip with bare fingers. “I think you might be more ill than you think.” Harry pointed out.

“I’m fine,” Molly implored, enjoying the cold glass in her hand refreshing her clammy skin. “Just a funny five minutes.” She shrugged.

“You need to go to the doctors.” Harry asserted strongly, wide eyed and serious as he stared at Molly.

“Harry, I am not going all the way home for-”

“I’ll drive you.” Harry interrupted, twisting a little to face Molly properly. One of his legs bent to allow him a proper seat on the bed, his knee leaning on Molly’s leg gently.

“No, no, definitely not.” Molly told him shaking her head.

“Lolly-”

“Harry no, it’s four hours, you are not, I am not going home to the doctors end of conversation.” Molly told him, cutting him off before he could even try and barter with her.

“Loll-”

“Harry-”

“No listen to me.” Harry cut over her shrill annunciation of his name. Molly’s nostrils flared as she fumed, biting her jaw together and waiting for him to try and convince him to let her drive her home. She wouldn’t she knew that. “You are ill, you look exhausted, you sound like you smoke fifty a day, you nearly passed out in my bathroom, you need to see a doctor.” Harry told her, measured and calm.

“No Harry, it’s not happening, I will be fine, and you are not driving me all the way home, so just forget it.” Molly finished and it was Harry’s turn to tighten his jaw and flare his nostrils, clearly dissatisfied with Molly’s response. “You can’t keep doing this.” Molly told him, softening a little.

“I can.” Harry hissed, not dropping Molly’s eyes for a second as he did so.

“Well I’m putting my foot down this time.” Molly told him, not caring for his petulant attitude, or giving into it.

“Can we compromise?” Harry suggested gently.

“Depends.”

“If it gets worse-”

“It won’t.” Molly cut in, and Harry tilted his head at her, unimpressed with her unwillingness to even let him talk.

“If it’s no better by Thursday, you will book a doctors appointment and let me take you home.” Harry bargained pointedly. Molly sighed and fluttered her eyes a little.

“If it’s no better by Thursday, which it will be, I will consider booking an appointment ok?” Molly pledged with honest eyes. Of course she would keep to her word, but she knew she’d be feeling better by tomorrow morning, she was sure of it, so she knew it would never come to that. And all she’d promised was to consider it anyway. There was no way, come hell or high water, Molly intended on letting Harry drive her the four hours home for a doctors appointment.

“Fine.” Harry gave in sinking a little into the bed. His eyes were a little lazy, soft, despite his mild frustration. They made Molly want to grab his arm and pull him up the bed beside her. Of course she didn’t, she just stared into his butter wouldn’t melt gaze and tried not to lose her mind. “I’m gonna go finish dinner, you chill for a minute, take your time, no rush.” Harry smiled lightly standing slowly from the bed and glancing back at Molly, combing his hair back out of his face with long fingers.

“Thank you Harry, for all of this.” Molly told him, the constant feeling that she didn’t tell him enough, and never told him how it made her feel, or how much he meant to her, as present as ever.

“Anything for you Lolly.” Molly’s heart fluttered and sunk at the same time, as Harry offered her a warm smile before striding out of the room. There was no doubt in her mind that when Harry said anything he meant it literally, and she couldn’t help that the idea of that terrified her a little.

A/N Hey guys, hope you like this one as much as I do. Be sure to let me know if you do and what you think. Where do we think it’s going from here!?

If you missed them the instas for the last five chapters are up so be sure to check them out.

As always thanks for all the love on this so far, it really means a lot that you’re all enjoying it so much <3

Have a great weekend, Love I x

#dive #harry styles #harry styles au #harry fic #harry fluff #harry angst #1dff #harry styles fluff #harry styles fic #ask me anything #ask box open #talk to me

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tumblunni · 6 years

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Man, god, im just suddenly thinking about "ak/ur/oku" and like.. How the fuck did that even become such a huge thing in early 2000s fandom? Dear god so much early gay shipping in fandom was super unhealthy "sinful" bullshit made by straight people for fetishy purposes rather than genuine representation. But a/kurok/u was such a weird one because it was like.. Just globally accepted and never aknowledged to be problematic?? Man i still remember how lil 13 year old me didnt know there was anything wrong with it, like seriously when stuff like this becomes popularized it ends up sending bad messages to actual queer youth. Learning about your sexuality via the internet cos there's no sex ed irl for you, abd you end up stumbling into toxic fandoms before you have the critical thinking skills necessary to know that this stuff is bad and shouldnt be imitated. Like seriously one of the things i worry about EVERY NIGHT AT 2AM THAT KEEPS ME FROM SLEEPING is that stupid lil 15 year old me made a post on deviantart going like "are pedophiles really all bad? I mean it sounds like an illness. I mean maybe theyre just scared and they want help." Like im terrified constantly that someone will find that old thing and judge me as if i still believe that apologist crap, or as if it was actually an opinion i formed from a fully developed mind, rather than from a kid who (as far as i knew) had never met a pedophile, thinking about pedophiles in the abstract, while being influenced by fuckin pedophile-dominated fandoms and having NO IDEA. and of cooooourse i wanted to believe that i was mature for my age, i thought that was a compliment.. Uuuuugh...

Sorry, going a little offtopic there.

But anyway isnt it kinda weird how akur/oku was just.. Not even regarded as pedophilia? And when i was a kid it wasnt just me not understanding the gross parts of the fandom, i legit never thought axel was that much older than roxas. And it was one of the more popular gay ships cos at that point as far as we knew it was the only person axel had any sort of backstory with, and he cared so much about this guy that he was willing to sacrifice his life to help sora even when he knew roxas would never come back. At the time without further context it seemed like a reasonable assumption to make? And it wasnt until Days that i realized axel was intended to be an adult rather than a teenager, and even worse A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO MADE THAT SHIPPING ART KNEW THAT. Uuugh it was so gross in retrospect to go back and see all the clues i missed that these people were fetishizing roxas's inexperience and veey much writing him as underage. AAAAAAA!

Anyway im glad that shit is now recognized as shit and now we have canon evidence of this dude being old as balls. And honestly i love the relationship of him as a big brother/dad to roxas and xion a lot more, even though as a kid i was desperate for any kind of queer representation in kh. Like.. I never really actually liked the ship that much or felt any chemistry? I just latched onto a few bad writing flubs that could potentially be interpreted as Gay Evidence because i was SO damn desperate! Like i felt like i had to support all these gross abusive ships in fandom cos if i wasnt then i was being 'homophobic', i mean they were THE ONLY AVAILABLE OPTIONS, right? :( Its only now ive grown up i can see how wrong that was, and how people just used it as an excuse to make gross shit and get away with it. Like how in Black Butler all these 'yaoi fangirls' kept erasing the rarest of rare things, a canon trans woman, because 'its sexier if its gay'. Ughhhh. And seriously that discourse still exists for poor Grell, and there's still a lot of these shitty bigoted people pretending to be allies, but like seriously this was EVERYWHERE in 2005! And lgbt rights and even lgbt communities at all were way smaller and less available to the poor teenagers who really needed that positive influence while they were figuring out who they are. So man the abusive side of yaoi fandom was WAY more powerful, and wya more.mainstream, with barely any criticism. And the whole content of this fandom was creepy fuckin adults making pedo porn, and kids who just discovered they were queer and tried to headcanon their favourote characters as being like them. Fucking predator heaven! So yeh that ruined KH for me and definately made me scared of returning to Black Butler for almost a decade. And then i found out that the manga itself has none of that pedo shit and that one of the fandom's biggest abusive gay man archetypes was actually a trans woman this entire time, and just gahhhhh....

Also like seriously this is a tad offtopic but can we kill the anime trope of either everyone looking young or everyone looking old? Or creepy things where just one character looks the wrong age in order to fetishize pedophilia? I dont think kingdom hearts was one of those intentional ones, like i mean there's super bad shit where its like 'this 5 year old looking person is really 9000 years old/actually 18 and just hasnt had their growth spurt yet' (somehow its even more insulting when theres not even a magical excuse) Or the other way around and we have a character thats canonically underage but drawn looking sexually mature with big ol knockers so its somehow okay. The existence of those horrible things is why i end up feeling uncomfortable even seeing ambiguous ages as just a trope in completely innocent anime, yknow? Like in pokemon and digimon all the 10 year old protagonists are exactly the same height as all the adults, and all the female love interests for ash have to be early bloomers in terms of chest and hips, while notably Iris is the only one who actually looks her age and also the first non love interest. Its another reason why i prefer the new art style for the latest season, they make everyone look like kids and Lillie continues to look like a kid even though she's the main girl and has all the cute scenes with Ash. The girls even got very normal looking kiddy swimsuits in the beach episode! Why is that so uncommon, to find the bare minimum thing of underage kids not being sexualized at the beach??

Soooooo yeah, thats at least part of why kid me thought axel and roxas were within a similar age range. Like i thought roxas was maybe 16 and axel was 18?? Somehow?? I dont even know, kingdom hearts isnt even SUPER bad with the 'kids look like older teens,all adults look like age 20 at the most' anime syndrome. Its probably more because id been raised on games and anime that followed that trope, before i played kh. And as a kid you just dont really know the exact differences between 'old', like i mean i knew teenagers were tall and boys get a growth spurt, so somehow it made sense to me that axel could be the same age as roxas?? And man even if i knew he wasnt, i was barely educated at all about pedophilia and i didnt know the nuances of it. I just knew 'its bad for adults to marry kids' like man i was really behind the curve in general learning due to my undiagnosed autism and abusive parenting so like HERE'S 12 YEAR OLD ME NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE SEX ASPECT. And i didnt know that adults in relationships with teenagers was bad too, or like 16/17 year old teens dating kids... I was so fuckin dumb... I really cant believe that not only did i believe stupid adults saying 'pedophilia isnt bad if you're non offending, its okay to make cartoon child porn as long as you dont physically abuse real kids' but also i somehow just DID NOT EVER REALIZE that axel was an adult and roxas wasnt even a goddamn older teen...

So yeh im making a lot of excuses for why my stupid younger self was blindly parroting bullshit, but im not trying to excuse how goddamn wrong and bad it was. I still wake up ashamed in the middle of the night for crapoy decisions i made as a dumb kid, and in terrified that some shreds of it might still exist out there on the internet and maybe someone else could read it?! Gahhhh! Seriously could i have accidentally helped spread that bullshit brainwashing to other kids? And seriously when people say this shit is harmless they just need to look at this, look at how being into problematic yaoi is such a common 'phase' for ACTUAL CHILDREN. Like its not fuckin NATURAL for kids to fall into this stuff, they do it because they dont know any better but the people making the goddamn founding blocks of the fandom are fuckin grown women fetishizing gay men or grown men fetishing lesbians. There's people who do know better who actually conciously decide that a/kurok/u is a good ship while knowing all the goddamn details of what it actually is and exactly what theyre supporting by shipping it. Ughhhhh!

So yeh fuckin Please Stay Safe In Fandom, Kids

And pedophiles have absolutely none of my sympathy, please ignore that goddamn shit i wrote as a little kid being fuckin groomed by a fandom without even knowing it.

This also applies a lot to the rest of LGBT+ aside from just gay shipping, like seriously it took me til age 18 to find any positive representation of trans people or even a proper explanation of what being trans is, yet before i was even 8 years old i'd seen a million 'lol gross man in a dress who gets sexual gratification from wearing women's underwear' jokes in kids shows. And when i was 12 i'd already been exposed to the fuckin hell of m/pre/g thanks to its prevelance of untagged n/sf/w shit in the kh fandom. And by age 15 i'd been exposed to pedophile apologists arguing whether child porn was okay if they only got off to that and didnt personally abuse that kid with their own hands. All of that shit but actually learning about homosexuality and gender in sex ed would have been 'too much' for someone my age...

God what a fuckin mess. Fuck im really really fuckin worried that any of my ignorant comments at those ages could have been read by other ignorant kids and contributed to that disgusting fandom atmosphere. Fuck i think about this so damn often im so damn ashamed of how ignorant i used to be yet i know the adult fuckfaces making pedo shit never reel one lick of shame any damn day of their life. I used to excuse their shit as an actual kid cos i just ASSUMED they would be ashamed and want to seek help! Gahhhh..

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bakubitch · 7 years

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Request: may i get a headcanon/scenario(whichever you prefer!) of Izuku, todoroki, and bakugou finding out their s/o self harms and comforts them?? like a mix of fluff and angst? thank you, im so sorry if you don't write anything like this TwT

This is gonna be the Bakugou Katsuki one. It turned out longer than Midoriya’s god fucking damn it //clenches fist, im so bad at this. Not as angsty though. I hope this is alright and you will like it nonetheless.

Trigger warning: Self-harming „Hey, dont you think it's too hot to wear this kind of thing?“ Bakugou's voice sounded a little bit too harsh than he intended but had not one thought about taking those words back, even when his partner involuntarily flinched from his matter of factly statement. They were out eating at their favourite place at the end of August where summer will take it's last breath for the year – it was his suggestion because there wont be much time left until exams would have to come. And even though those days were the last of this season it was... horribly hot with the blazing sun shining over the city like it was trying to pick a god damn fight with it. The ashe-blonde himself only wore a black, relatively lose tanktop so that he could at least freshen up a little when a breeze would just fucking greet them for once – to his dismay the weather decided to give a shit about his well-being, of course it did not, what the heck did he expect anyways. Crimson eyes were skeptically scrutinizing the figure seated in front of him, not liking at all how blushy and sweaty his lover was under that... huge sweater that they had decided to wear today. Didnt seem really healthy at all. Swearing that something was definitely off, he obviously did not hesitate the slightest to prod at the topic and of course in his kind of manner yet he didnt anticipated the already mentioned reaction. „I'm lil bit cold is all.“ His lover wouldnt meet his gaze which caused him to make a low displeased sound – what was wrong with them and why didnt they talk to him about it? There was 100% something weighing them down just by looking at their current body language and anxiety crossing their features and the male did not want to look over this casually, he has to know, especially because he cares. And this plain, stupid response didnt give him satisfaction, not in the least. Bakugou already had a clue so as he was slowly losing patience, his foot was tapping against the hard concrete ground in a firm rhythm: „Are you shitting me? You're sweating buckets as far as I can tell.“ They were sending him an offended glance, he just rolled his eyes in return, aware of his statement being kind of rude and dickish right now but honestly? He had all right to be. „Katsuki, Im fine okay? I just feel more comfy this way today.“, they sighed, wrapping their fingers around the cool glass of KiBa, staring thoughfully at the weird mixture of two different colors – magenta and a pale yellow. Actually that answer sounded way more reasonable than the one before but somehow his mind refused to let go of the topic, circling around the fact that they were trying to hide something. Sorry, but not sorry – he wasnt the super patient boyfriend anyways like who knows Todoroki fucking Shouto or that violethaired poop of Class 1-B. Instead his hand gently grabbed their arm to pull them towards him over the table, just intending to say something when... His partner winced at the touch, his brows furrowing in distress by their reaction. The next thing that happened was fully out of instinct, his free palm was grabbing the soft fabrice of that darkblue sweater – ignoring the plead of his s/o to stop and pulled up the sleeve. „What.. the..“ There were so many fresh wounds – slits, burn marks scattered all over their skin. All his eyes could do was widen at the horrific sight and all he himself could do was just... keep looking at it with a mouth agape, not even blinking once. Was this... real? Bakugou was beyond speechless, feeling different, mixed up, twisted emotions rising within his heart.. The recognizeable anger sticking clearly out of the mess. Though he did not know who he was aiming the anger at – who was his target for his emotions? Confusion, irritation, guilt... resentment. This was happening too fast. Too sudden and when he was finally able to get a grip to look away from the damaged areas of their body, a wave of self-resentment suddenly washed over him. Bakugou Katsuki and self-resentment? An odd combination indeed but for once he had no control over it when he witnessed how his love's eyes were reflecting fear, bitterness and self-loath. 'No, please don't..', never would he ever mouth out those words and neither would he be able to apologize for what he had just done – not coping well with mistakes from his side. Of course the boy felt kind of … off about this whole scenario – not having so much experience in those fields but what was even worse was... That he had accidently forced them to show him this in some kind of way – having overstepped their boundaries, their pace. It was like he had just stomped on their feelings and their well-being ruthlessly. „Fuck-“, a curse escaped his lightly chapped lips, pushing the table that was between them to the side with ease - too fast for anybody else to react - before he forcefully pulled his lover's body towards his'. Not giving a shit what others might be thinking, he eased their sleeve back and heaved an almost shaky sigh. „A.. Are you gonna leave me?“, there was a weak tremor audible in their voice, words being muffled by Bakugou literally forcing them to bury their face into his chest – again he gave no fucks. And what was that kind of a question anyways: „Hell fucking no I'm gonna leave you.“ The blonde tried to gather his thoughts, actually attempting really, really hard to find the right words but he was so bad with them, god damn it! „We... can overcome this together, you shit. You're not gonna be alone with this – Ever !“, it was like he was hissing: „Because I'm with you.“ And he will darn fucking be.

Admin Shiro

#bakugou katsuki #tw self destruction #tw self harm #trigger warning #bnha #mha #boku no hero #bnha imagines #mha imagines #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha scenarios #mha scenarios #僕のㇶ一ロ #僕のヒーローアカデミア

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ultimatemagicalgirl · 6 years

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The fact that bullying is even an issue is disgusting. I was bullied pretty much the entire time I went to school. From kindergarten to 8th grade I was bullied viciously. If you went to school with me you knew i was bullied. In elementary school it was pretty much the entire school that picked on me. I had very few friends because when new people would transfer in i would ask them to be friends right away. Apparently a girl even told one of my best friends not to be friends with me because she deserved better. Thankfully that friend told her i was a nice person and that she wouldnt stop being friends with me because of her but the fact that they wanted me to have no friends is disturbing. How can you do that to a person? When i went to Gardner the bullying got worse, 7th grade was when it was at its peak. In gym class girls would throw balls at me and when we were in a class room once they threw books instead. I started cutting for the first time when they threw books at me. They saw me and a girl said “ew cara if you’re going to do that do it at home”. Two girls started bullying me worse than the rest, i didnt even tell on them but my dad read them messaging me on facebook over my shoulder and made a big scene. He said he’d call the police if some thing wasn’t done. Even after it was “handled” i was still getting so much hate from everyone. One boy even called me a snake and i didnt even tell on them. The girl they had tried to get to beat me up still wanted to. I had to transfer schools. I started going to holt, the bullying wasnt as bad but still a big problem. A boy i dated told everyone i was lying about us being together. He had been suspended when we started dating and we had been talking on the phone, he said he loved me. I thought he was moving too fast but i think i said it back. When he came back to school the girl i sat next to asked him if we were actually dating and he said something along the lines of “ew no shes gross” right in front of me. I tried to talk to him about it in the halls but he didnt care. That same boy gave me trouble again recently with lying about having had changed. But after whar he did everyone started spreading rumors and his friends would bully me. The face to face bullying basically stopped when a girl called me an easy target during class and i snapped. I hit her in the side of the head, i had never hit anyone and i was trying to slap her but i missed. She had been bullying me for too long and i was so sick of putting up with it after all those years. She had been talking about wanting to fight me so i decided, fine lets do it you do NOT call me an easy target. She didnt do anything but say “ugh did you see what she just did??”, when class was over she tried to trip me so i grabbed her wrist and shoved her down to her desk in self defense. I am not a violent person. This is the only time ive ever tried to hurt someone (the attempted slap), but she pushed me to it. Everyone over all those years of bullying pushed me to that moment. The teacher saw me pinning her down and said to stop so i did. We were called down to the principals office later and i didnt get in any trouble thankfully, she might of but i dont know for sure. I still deal with bullies to this day but since we arent in school we don’t call them that, but they still exist. Bullies in school grow up to be ass holes in the adult world. Yes there were a few friends who helped me out over the years but bullying isnt just a problem for kids. I try my hardest not to offend people or upset them and i dont understand how people can just hurt innocent people that way. If you want change. If you want things to get better for this little boy and all the children now and in the future then we need to start being kind to each other and teaching our children to be kind too. Dont just a share a post. Do something. The world would be a better place for everyone if we just learned to be kind to each other. If you were a bully, take the time to appologize to who you hurt. They might not forgive you but it would mean a lot to them to know you feel bad about it. Its not that hard to be nice so why dont a lot of people do it? Humans are ass holes. We all need to learn to be less selfish and consider other people. You never know what a person has been through. Over the years ive learned that everyone can be a bad person, but it takes strength to admit that and try to change for a better world. Rant over.

#spread this #bullying #bullies #bully #humans #be kind #nice #humans suck #be nice #dont hurt others #keaton #stop bullying

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malenkaya-glosoli · 7 years

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Stuff I’m tired of hearing as an autistic person

This is a list of things and variations of things I hear from three family members (who shall remain anonymous, keep in mind that they know I’m autistic) that are offensive to me, even if it’s said in a joking manner but especially if it’s said in frustration or anger, and I hope I NEVER EVER hear any of the following responses from any significant other I may have in future. Some of these things I hear a lot in the situations listed below or otherwise rarely happen or have happened only once so far (Warning: Some of the responses I’ve listed here may be triggering for some people, and a massive trigger warning for occasional use of ableist slurs):

1. Response when I tell someone to go away or leave me alone: “You’re being rude” or “Quit being rude”

2. When I’m rocking in public, I hear this: “Stop doing that” I keep rocking; response to this: “You’re being defiant”

3. Another stim I have is picking at my acne and plucking out my eyebrows and eyelashes. The response: “Stop picking” *they even move my hand away from my face even if i wasnt going to pick at anything. On one occasion they started teasing me about it and they said they would tie my hands and then they all got out their phones and started photographing and videoing it. And we were in public, in the middle of a restaurant, but nobody seemed to notice...*

4. Responses when I get very angry about something or if I try to defend and/or justify my need for alone time or if I continuously keep asking to go home from someplace far away: “You know what, you’re selfish”, “You’re such a homebody”, or “You’re acting like a two year old”

5. Response to when I pace around the kitchen: “Stop pacing”

6. Response to me explaining that me being autistic is the reason why I don’t want to talk and/or why I like to stay alone in one room for hours: “I think you’re just making excuses”

7. Occasional response to when I get out a shirt or pair of shorts that I feel like wearing or if I want to leave the house in a shirt that I’d been wearing for a couple/a few days before: “Oh, uh-uh” or “You look like a slob”

8. Response to me saying “I don’t want to talk” and/or me wanting to go into the bedroom for alone time: “You never want to talk”, “You never want to spend time with us”, “Don’t you want to talk?”, “You always have privacy”, “You’re so antisocial”, “Do you love me anymore?”

9. Response to me trying to tell someone the difference between the words “asocial” and “antisocial” and advising for use of the former: “I don’t care!”

10. Response to me leaving the bedroom for a snack or water or to ask something: “Do we know her?”, “Who are you?”, “*overly dramatic gasp* She’s come out of her hole!”

11. Response to my mostly lifelong inability to tie shoelaces: “Even three year olds can do it”

12. Response to me not being able to see something physically obvious that’s being pointed out to me and the person and their tone of voice is getting more and more frustrated when I keep saying I can’t see the thing: “You’re acting retarded”

13. Response to me rage shouting about something: “Quit acting psycho”

Other stuff: They don’t believe that “I don’t know” or “Nothing” is a valid answer but they let it slide anyway, they keep poking me when I tell them to please not touch me, them (one of them) having a frustrated tone of voice when they tell me to “speak up” if I’m talking too quietly...

EDIT 8-11-17 (Trigger warning for an ableist slur) - A few weeks ago I called my mom’s mom and asked her questions about what she thinks about my autistic traits, autism, and autistic people in general. She said that she sometimes thinks it’s “annoying” when I don’t want to talk to anyone and spend hours alone in the bedroom but she also claimed that she’s been trying to understand me better; she also said that she doesn’t think it’s sad for a person when they get an autism diagnosis. But this turned out to be hypocritical because when I asked her if she thought that there should be a cure for autism, she said yes. I felt very disappointed and even betrayed. But I tried not to let on that I was angry and disappointed and I told her that people like Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson were autistic and that if I weren’t autistic or if there weren’t any such thing as autism, I either wouldn’t exist or I wouldn’t be the same person I am. I asked her again if she really believed that a cure for autism was necessary, and she insisted that it was.

And last night, while I was getting ready for a shower, my mom called me a “retard”, and she kept asking stuff like “why are you being so disrespectful to me, what’s gotten into you lately?”. If you ask me, I’m only defending myself. She wanted me to brush my teeth, but I’d been eating some food and if I brush my teeth before I eat, then it’ll make the food taste bad until it wears off, my sensory problems make it hard for me to deal with that, so for me, it’s only logical and better to not brush my teeth before eating anything. And in the shower she grabbed my wrist pretty hard and she slapped me, but I don’t remember if it was on my face or my shoulder, but I’m pretty sure it was on my shoulder. She apologised later, and the apology was genuinely sincere, but she has similar complaints when I can’t do basic things that most people take for granted. When I was in the shower, she said ”even your five year old cousin can bathe herself.” Said cousin is neurotypical. I was deeply offended.

EDIT 9-7-17: Here’s a hint as to what I’m going through atm. I have been feeling stressed and exhausted and the source of it is not stopping anytime soon. A mix of intentional procrastination and natural executive dysfunction is worsening it, and I don’t dare try to explain the concept of executive dysfunction to my mom because I just know she won’t understand or even care. I once read aloud these posts to her:

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/143950944846/strangelyschizotypal-neurodivergent-people

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150231283186/autisticliving-friendly-reminder-that-its-okay

and in response to the second one she said “no, it’s not okay”, so I’ve learned that it’s better for me to just stop trying with her.

I’ve tried to tell her that there are some things that I’ve accepted that I might never be able to do without help (washing my hair because the feeling and sight of wet, stringy loose strands of hair on my skin and hands/fingers is a mix of scary and disgusting and shaving because I’m too gentle with the razor) or at all (driving because too overwhelming), and when I talked with her about this yesterday she was like “how the h*** can you say that when you haven’t even tried, i don’t accept that, you’re just limiting yourself”. I can’t even describe how enraging and hurtful that was. I already know I’ll never be able to do those things without help or at all because just thinking about them and imagining myself in the driving scenario makes me feel overwhelmed. While I was in the shower she was saying stuff like “you should be doing this stuff yourself already, do you expect me to do this for you the rest of your life?” and i said “no, my husband will have to do it” (i meant future husband, whoever that’ll be) and mom was like “it gets me angry when you say stuff like that”. stuff like that is a common refrain during showers: “you’re seventeen, you should already be doing this”. Why is it like this for me and lots of other autistic people out there? Why is it that as we get older our families usually get more and more frustrated and impatient with us when we still can’t do basic things that most people take for granted instead of just getting used to it and accepting it like we (or at least some of us) have? This is exactly why I feel very strongly that you should NEVER EVER use a person’s age as a reason for why they should or shouldn’t already be doing something that most people can do without help or at all. It’s ableist and invalidating, not to mention emotionally abusive, whether you mean it that way or no. STOP. IT.

Sometimes I want to leave them, but that’s where I feel trapped. I rarely use money as I rarely buy anything alone and I have no wallet, I don’t drive, I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t know anyone who I could go stay with, and it’d feel wrong to leave them because it’s my family, the only family I’ve ever really known. I can cook simple meals that are already cooked and only need to be reheated and I rarely use the stove because the hissing noises freak me out and that frustrates mom. My dad is autistic too but if you think he’d understand my inabilities, prepare to be disappointed. He wouldn’t get up and help when I asked him to get some chicken in the oven for me, to the point where a couple times he wouldn’t even respond at all when I asked him to get up and help, which was all i said “Get up and help”. Things have gotten easier in the past year but growing up I never had a really good relationship with him because he would spank and pinch me a lot when I was little, and on two occasions after two upsetting arguments that got physical, the police got involved, although there was never any arrest. He grew up with a dad who abused the entire family and plus he grew up in a place and culture where corporal punishment is seen as discipline, not corporally punishing your child is considered worse than not raising the child properly, it’s considered completely acceptable to spank kids who aren’t yours, and even toddlers aren’t thought of as too young to receive corporal punishment (also that place and culture is VERY openly and devoutly Christian, I have nothing against Christianity and I’m a lot more spiritual than religious but I do believe in God and the whole shebang and I do pray for people, and the culture and place is very homophobic, I’m straight but I’m supportive of LGBT+ people and my favourite couple is a gay couple so when I see any homophobia I still feel hurt and offended). Although the following doesn’t happen often, he does sometimes imply that I need to just stop talking if the person I’m talking to about a certain thing seems disinterested in the subject or has reached their limit, so I can’t say I find much support there. And my mom says that she thinks my autistic friends and I are defiant in the negative way and that we bully people into accepting us and our traits, behaviours, etc. and that I want to be accepted but, as she believes, I won’t accept how others are. Unbelievable.

This is exactly why I wish it were possible for children to be able to pick and choose their families. Because of my troubled relationship with my dad, I started wishing that the couple I mentioned (Jónsi and Alex) could adopt me, even though I knew that would be impossible for multiple reasons, I even wrote a few fantasies about it. But now it’s for another reason: because of the treatment I mentioned. I know that Jónsi and Alex would be awesome dads, if and when they ever choose to adopt a child (they’re not married yet tho), and also because I believe they’d be more understanding, patient, supportive and accepting because they know what it’s like to be different. Also: back in January I got a big crush on Ivar from the show Vikings, and I quickly started work on a modern AU author self insert fanfic about him (I wrote it as an outlet for my crush and my feelings and problems) which, at the time of this update, has 1,149 views and counting, and so far it has five sequels. I quickly discovered that I felt that I could relate to Ivar because:

1. We’re both disabled (I’m autistic, of course, and Ivar was born with his legs deformed)

2. We both feel sad, alone, and mad at the world, I had violent urges when I was younger (even then I knew better than to act on them) and if I’m provoked enough I can get as rageful as Ivar does)

3. We both have to deal with ableism from a relative (the above says it all for me, and Ivar has been emotionally and verbally abused and harassed by his brother Sigurd. He’s dead now because he was abusing Ivar and he mentioned their mother and Ivar just lost his temper and killed Sigurd)

So yeah. Ivar is SUPER angry and violent but he is also sad and he feels alone and unloved. Through my stories I am able to improve his life and love him and I have gained his trust and he always protects me. When I myself am being scolded or whatever, although I understand the difference between fantasy and reality, I silently beg Ivar to help me and sometimes I get teary eyed because it’s impossible, for obvious reason. I’m pretty resilient and I don’t think I’m vulnerable to becoming clinically insane or whatever, it probably depends on the person and how well or not well they’re able to cope with being in this kind of situation, but sometimes I feel like I genuinely want to be with Ivar and I feel like I love him in every way a person can be loved, I can tell from both his canon personality on the show and his fanon personality in my stories that, since he’s lost both of his parents, Ivar would be VERY protecive of anyone he loves, and in my stories, that anyone is me.

If anyone would like to read the story I mentioned, here it is:

https://theeclecticone.deviantart.com/art/Vikings-Modern-AU-fic-Ivar-Finds-Love-661877797

That’s all for now. Again, please feel free to reply, comment, like, and/or reblog.

Posts I’ve reblogged that elaborate on all this (WARNING LONG):

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159857814936/ndgirlfriends-so-to-all-the-girls-who-constantly

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159856353686/when-they-say-your-autism-is-not-an-excuse-for

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159856337041/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-other-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159856320506/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-other-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159856301231/sbroxman-autisticquestions-dont-laugh-at-or-mock

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159856273001/sbroxman-autisticquestions-sometimes-it-feels

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/158125804696/sbroxman-autisticquestions-that-autistic-problem

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157809830756/cosmicautistic-why-do-people-insist-on-touching

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157808877166/ableist-why-do-you-act-this-way-autistic-person

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157808675211/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-other-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159856232176/happy-stimming-is-such-a-nice-thing-to-see-and-it

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159724609526/introvertunites-if-youre-an-introvert-follow

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/159668391651/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-the-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/158691542131/on-using-autism-as-an-excuse

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/158691153136/but-how-can-you-knooooow-you-dont-like-the-food

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157784200641/do-people-get-annoyed-by-stimming

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157403112936/trans-mom-stimming-is-normal-stimming-is

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157332198686/sbroxman-autisticquestions-i-hate-it-when-people

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/157174323231/autism-problems-2

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156807367896/introvertunites-if-youre-an-introvert-follow

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156718532431

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156505810611/ndgirlfriends-you-dont-deserve-the-invalidation

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156178091191

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156178055291

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156178041551

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156178024041

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156176025301/radsturbate-i-hate-ppl-who-get-personally

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156045245181/rentboy-tony-shout-out-to-people-who-have-a-hard

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/156011656186/serenavampire-neurotypical-voice-stop

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934926521/autism-problem-717

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934918486/autism-problem-608

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934909651/autism-problem-637

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934902666/autism-problem-411

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934895996/autism-problem-588

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934884411/autism-problem-584

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934876216/autism-problem-290

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155934210941/muted-serendipitybubble-ignorance-isnt-bliss

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155933220616/autism-problem-755

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155931816041

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155925440681/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-other-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155859175671/messatmybest-janeysprings-due-to-sensory

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155859150906/parents-we-need-to-talk

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155689458176/reasons-to-avoid-accusing-someone-of-blaming

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155659677701/digitalufo-autistic-ppl-who-get-flappy-and-bouncy

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155426144511/theconcealedweapon-allistic-person-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155425409931/theconcealedweapon-i-hate-when-people-tell-me

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155425281356/theconcealedweapon-theconcealedweapon

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155425121666/theconcealedweapon-autistic-people-are-too

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155424530461/theconcealedweapon-neurotypical-people-you

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/155424322271/theconcealedweapon-allistic-people-its-funny

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154841269766/ladyautie-im-sorry-if-i-didnt-post-anything

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154841055036/ladyautie-keelan-666-seriously-dont

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154727816316/thatautismfeel-that-autism-feel-when-everyone

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154721632341/thatautismfeel-that-autism-feel-when-anytime

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154655907631/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-people-with-autism

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154647497556/things-to-never-say-to-any-autistic-people

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154645929986/sbroxman-autisticquestions-to-other-autistic

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154629619396/if-someone-ever-accuses-you-of-blaming-autism

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154629164341/butterflyinthewell-sbroxman-autisticquestions

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154628953381/me-doesnt-talk-person-you-really-need-to

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154594676751/autisticliving-if-a-disabled-person-tell-you-they

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/153636602021/npdfox-not-a-lot-of-people-really-understand-how

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/153636586631/little-autism-things-1

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/153636327551/little-autism-things-84

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/153636274181/little-autism-things-96

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150299063241/another-autism-feel-41

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150299046296/another-autism-feel-3

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150298550331/thatautismfeel-that-autism-feel-when-you-have

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150296089161/thatautismfeel-that-autism-feel-when-nobody

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150296051946/ladystoneshield-that-autism-feel-when-youre

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/152172013261/disabilityhealth-excuses-shouldnt-be-seen-so

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/152483526466

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/152482579361

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/152482495726

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/152480786081/thatautismfeel-that-autism-feel-when-you-do

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/152480760611/autisticliving-that-autism-feel-when-youre

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/150220918916/jaunepois-when-you-come-out-of-your-room-and

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/145819797276/runningfromomelas-them-look-at-me-when-im

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/137690666961/thatautismfeel-that-autism-feel-when-you-feel

EDIT 9-7-17:

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/165091980636/how-to-hold-back-the-tears-when-youre-being

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164655304111/do-as-youre-told-stimmyabby-sometimes-people

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164192864721/never-trust-a-man-that-agrees-with-anything-trump

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/154647497556/things-to-never-say-to-any-autistic-people

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164654794431/vashti-lives-jemthecrystalgem

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/162875121331/spanking-your-children-is-abuse

And here are some excerpts of diary entries I’ve written about my autism and stuff (most are in foreign languages but they have English translations):

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164783034161/%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%87%D0%B8%D0%BD%D1%8A%D1%82-%D0%BF%D0%BE-%D0%BA%D0%BE%D0%B9%D1%82%D0%BE-%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%88%D0%B5%D1%82%D0%BE-%D0%BE%D0%B1%D1%89%D0%B5%D1%81%D1%82%D0%B2%D0%BE-%D1%81%D0%B5-%D1%82%D1%80%D0%B5%D1%82%D0%B8%D1%80%D0%B0%D1%82-%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%81

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164782715106/%D1%82%D0%BE%D0%B2%D0%B0-%D0%B5-%D0%BC%D0%BD%D0%BE%D0%B3%D0%BE-%D0%BF%D0%BE-%D0%BB%D0%B5%D1%81%D0%BD%D0%BE-%D0%B8-%D0%BF%D0%BE-%D0%B4%D0%BE%D0%B1%D1%80%D0%B5-%D0%B4%D0%B0-%D0%B8%D0%B7%D0%BB%D0%B8%D0%B2%D0%B0%D0%BC-%D1%87%D1%80%D0%B5%D0%B7

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164781794476/thuis-is-er-niemand-die-me-begrijpt-niemand

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/164781637616/zal-ik-ooit-vind-iemand-die-zullen-begrijpen

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/163547046451/%D0%BD%D0%B0%D0%B4%D1%8F%D0%B2%D0%B0%D0%BC-%D1%81%D0%B5-%D1%87%D0%B5-%D0%B5%D0%B2%D0%B5%D0%BD%D1%82%D1%83%D0%B0%D0%BB%D0%BD%D0%BE-%D1%89%D0%B5-%D1%81%D0%B5-%D0%BD%D0%B0%D0%BC%D0%B5%D1%80%D1%8F-%D0%B3%D0%B0%D0%B4%D0%B6%D0%B5

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/163547032441/%D0%B4%D0%BE%D0%B2%D0%BE%D0%BB%D0%BD%D0%B0-%D1%81%D1%8A%D0%BC-%D1%87%D0%B5-%D0%B8%D0%BC%D0%B0%D0%BC-%D0%BF%D1%80%D0%B8%D1%8F%D1%82%D0%B5%D0%BB%D0%B8-%D0%BA%D0%BE%D0%B8%D1%82%D0%BE-%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%BD%D0%B0%D0%B3%D0%B8

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/163546629581/%D0%BF%D1%80%D0%B8%D0%B5%D0%BC%D0%B0%D0%BD%D0%B5%D1%82%D0%BE-%D0%BF%D0%BE%D0%B4%D0%B4%D1%80%D1%8A%D0%B6%D0%BA%D0%B0%D1%82%D0%B0-%D1%83%D1%82%D0%B2%D1%8A%D1%80%D0%B6%D0%B4%D0%B0%D0%B2%D0%B0%D0%BD%D0%B5%D1%82%D0%BE-%D0%B8

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/163546363491/terwijl-ik-meer-heb-nagedacht-over-mezelf-en-hoe

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/163158549021/jeg-h%C3%A5ber-at-jeg-vil-m%C3%B8de-nogen-der-vil-v%C3%A6re-den

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/161902733031/postoji-previ%C5%A1e-ljudi-u-svijetu-koji-su-okrutni-i

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160169300336/%D1%82%D0%BE-%D0%BD%D0%B5-%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%BD%D0%B0%D0%B3%D0%B8-%D0%B5-%D0%BB%D0%B5%D1%81%D0%BD%D0%BE-%D0%B4%D0%B0-%D1%81%D0%B5-%D0%B1%D1%8A%D0%B4%D0%B0-%D0%B0%D1%83%D1%82%D0%B8%D1%81%D1%82%D0%B8%D1%87%D0%BD%D0%B0-%D0%B7%D0%B0%D1%89%D0%BE-%D1%85%D0%BE

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160167659301/jag-kommer-aldrig-att-f%C3%B6rst%C3%A5-varf%C3%B6r-vissa

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160167270051/zelfs-toen-mijn-gezicht-dwingt-mij-om-met-tegenzin

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160166845626/en-het-is-nooit-fout-om-te-willen-met-rust-gelaten

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160166658026/ik-ben-niet-ego%C3%AFstisch-of-ondankbaar-ik-ben

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160166447661/daar-ik-ben-autistisch-kan-mijn-emoties-zeer

http://malenkaya-glosoli.tumblr.com/post/160166273081/alleen-mijn-vrienden-zijn-bereid-om-mijn-problemen

Please feel free to comment below or add a reply to this post if you want to.

#autism #i know exactly how it feels #stop being ableist #actuallyautistic

152 notes · View notes

nightandstarlight · 7 years

Note

Demeter, Apollo, Ares, Centaur, Siren, Nymph, Agamemnon, Jason, Sun Chariot, Caduceus, Aegis, Golden Fleece, Olympus, Tartarus, Elysium, Ogygia, The Labyrinth? :3c

Asdfghjkdhslñ so many omfg why iLY ((I have to say tho i didnt really think about having to answer more than one of these at a time before i rbed the qs and since im on mobile and theres no way im gonna remember all of them im probsbly gonna do one first and then like edit this post to add the rest or something so it might take a while))

‡Demeter: do you have any pets?

>Unfortunately i dont my dad never wanted us to have any :// last time i had an actual pet living in my house i think it was when i was like 10 y/o or so and they were a couple of turtles who used to escape all the goddamn time like we would literally find them on the street trying to get away from our house even tho we had a enormous backyard and we treated them as well as we possibly could?? idk they prolly hated us so my parents mightve given them away i dont even remember,,, and thenn like two years ago i think i got a pet sheep called peter.. Peter the sheep was only around for a week tho and he wasnt even officially my pet but i loved him as if he were i still miss him and think about him often.. basically that summer when we went to visit my dads brother in misiones we took him with us from my dads farm ? (not really my dads farm but i dont wanna get too sidetracked here lmao) to my uncles farm for breeding or whatever so it was a solid 6-7 drive with him in the bed of our truck and me just starting at him and trying to get attention goD i never thought id care about a sheep that much anyway once we got to misiones we couldnt take him straight away to my uncles farm for whatever logistics reason i never asked about because all it meant was that he would have to stay in my uncles backyard for a couple of days and i would get to spend more time with him !! so thats what happened !! I took tons of pics and recorded him doing nothing and loved him from afar and then i was there when we dropped him off at my uncles farm.. and then i never saw him again.. the saddest part is that weeks later when we were all back home my uncled called my dad to let him know that Peter wasnt even fit for breeding bc rumour has it he had a third testicule lmao so he was technically useless rip peter the sheep ,,, aaaand now that i live alone i really wanna get like a cat or something but i never learned how to take care of anything so im scared i wont know how to if i have to do it all by myself

if i could add tags to this on mobile id apologize for talking so much about peter instead of just answering the question but i cant soz

‡Apollo: What kind of music are you into?

>alt/pop/rock/indie/pop punk,, i dont really like defining it by genres because who knows for sure what do they even mean anymore but the second best way i have to describe my music taste is ~basic white girl who thinks shes special~ and that makes me feel even weirder,, if you want i could try to make a playlist once im back in my apartment like next week or so lmk

‡Ares: whats a big pet peeve of yours?

>probably when people dont listen,, (u mean deaf people?? thats pretty fucked up dude) no lmao i mean people who pretend to listen but dont care about what you have to say or even worse when theyre so self absorbed that they dont even try to act like theyre paying attention and just straight up talk on top of you or interrup you constantly and not even bc they have something important to say but just because they can like whyy ohh or even worse when they do all that and then have the nerve get angry/offended if you dont pay enough attention to them??? Boyyy oh boy i hate that but i *cough love my parents i love themm

‡Centaur: Last book you read?

>all the bright places by jennifer niven,, didnt actually read it but i listened to the audiobook a week ago so i think that counts,, and if audiobooks dont count i read Evenfall by Santino Hassel back in march

‡Siren: Last song you listened to?

>((when i answered this (at 3:30am) i wasnt listening to anything but)) spotify says it was devil in me by halsey,, rn (13:40) im listening to alone by halsey

‡Nymph: Last dream you remember?

>i cant remember any recent ones atm but a couple of weeks ago i dreamt i was dating veronica from riverdale?? I probably posted something on here about that and it was so sweeett other than that idk maybe something about my classmates i see some of them pretty often in my dreams and theyre usually really nice cause i almost never remember any bad dreams/nightmares

‡Agamemnon: whats an achievement that youre proud of?

>i cant think of anything rn maybe getting into uni or coming out to my mom

‡Jason: have you ever travelled abroad?

>nope,, the closest i was to leaving the country was in 2014 when i was gonna go with my english teacher and class to nyc i got my papers and everything ready but then everyone started to come up with reasons why they couldnt go so i was gonna have to go completly alone/with friends of my teacher and their students which i didnt know at all so i got scared and decided not to 3 i know (hope) i’ll get another chance to go tho

‡Sun Chariot: whats your favorite mythological creature

>umm maybe sirens or gorgons im not 100%sure

‡Caduceus: whats your favorite color

>too many for different purposes but mostly purple?

‡Aegis: whats your favorite book or series?

>all for the game by nora sakavic atm

‡Golden Fleece: whats your favorite animal?

>ive loved dolphins since i was a kid but felines are too perfect in too many ways they make me weak at the knees

‡Olympus: describe your dream job

>so i know id looove to have an office job really stable and monotonous and everything like translating books but i also know that im terrified of getting stuck? And i feel like a job like that doesnt really leave much room to grow professionally so even if at the time im happy with just doing that the idea of looking back one day and realizing i sat at a desk and did the same thing for 20 years is not the best (which is ironic bc im wasting my youth ™ doing exsclty that for free basically but yea idk ) Dream job as in actually ~dream~ job would have to be like whatever people did on that show extreme makeover home edition?? I used to be obsessed with that show when i was a kid and i still think its a great idea even if its not as extra and over the top like that was id love to help people that way i could also make this longer but its lowkey too personal

‡Tartarus: Whats a short term goal you hope to achieve?

>going back to therapy and not quitting this time? making friends? Id say improving myself as a person but i feel like thats more of a long term goal but not hating myself rn would be nice,, also something tangible would have to be passing my calc II final that i shouldve taken a year ago and didnt cause i got scared + too depressed to study properly lmaao

‡Elysium: if you could have a superpower, what would it be?

>telekinesis and or being able to teletransport sounds cool

‡Ogygia: describe your dream husband/wife/life partner?

>patient, better at comunication than i am, respectful but that should be obvious, loves puns and bad/dad jokes, loves me? Also loves kids and is okay with adopting cause i definitely wanna adopt childrepn someday

‡The Labyrinth: have you ever died and came back as a vampire?

>not sure if im allowed to talk about this but i bet no one is gonna read all this cause its wayy too long lmao also i dont care anyway so yes, yes i have

half a day later im done!!! i know its a lot I hope its not too boring tho lmao

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robin-hood-for-freedom · 5 years

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Its been a LONG time since I’v done anything regarding Anita Sarkeesian. And to be honest, I wasnt going to make a response to this. But I feel like he actually raises some interesting points that are worth discussing.

to the skeptics and anti sjw's she'sseen in all ways as a force for bad adishonest critic opportunist a scamartist and ideologue a huge dick

I guess thats fair. At this point I dont think most anti-sjws really care about her though. I will say that, I, personally never got on board with the whole idea that she was a scam artist(though I can see why some people came to that conclusion). Imo, even if its true(and I doubt it), its largely a red herring.

so what I'll call the Internet left however she was broadly understood as an all-around decent critic who was unfairly maligned harassed and abused because she was a woman who spoke about feminism and about her unfair treatment on the Internet

Since you are part of the ‘internet left’ I’ll take your word for it.

I genuinely like Anita sarkeesian I agree with lots of her points and thought she was pretty cool before I knew she was somebody who everybody hated

I’m gonna be honest: Even if I was inclined to agree with anita’s criticism(I’m not), I dont know if I would really like her as a person or say she was ‘cool.’ Her videos and public appearances to me just come across as boring and uninspired.

To be fair though, my only interaction with her has been through those videos/appearances. So its possible she’s actually really nice and funny in person.

even if I didn't like her though I still wouldn't think she deserved the ire of the public you know threats and harassment from people who hated every fiber of her being

Looking back I’m actually somewhat inclined to agree with you. Aside from the obvious that nobody deserves threats and harassment(although those were grossly exaggerated), I actually think the attention given to her was unwarranted. That said, I think most of was less hatred for Anita as a person, or even as a woman, and more concerns about her potential influence and how that might affect games(and other media) we love.

Looking back that influence turned out to be ‘basically none’ but you know what they say about hindsight.

I'm gonna be looking closely at a few people mostly Thunderfoot and sargon of akkad

I’m going to point out at this point that I’m not really that interested in defending Sargon or Thunderf00t(especially not Thunderf00t). I have my quibbles with their takes on Anita.

the first big argument that Anita sarkeesian wants to make that looking at games we can see a general tendency toward centralizing narratives of male and particularly straight male empowerment and what's more that this narrative tends to place the women of video games into some pretty weird positions women are less likely to be the protagonists of games they're more likely to be presented as sexually appealing to have their bodies put on display they're more likely to take on passive or victimized positions as damsels their to be rescued by predominantly male heroes

You cold argue that there are games that do this. I could point out loads of counter-examples of games that dont.

But, more importantly, I think, is that she doesnt really make an argument for why this is bad. And even the limited attempts she does make, you explicitly reject later in this video. In other words, we’re left with no reason to accept this as a criticism, unless we’ve bought into feminist ideology prior to clicking on Anita’s videos.

If you want to argue that these videos were meant to be specifically for a feminist audience and that its silly for non-feminists to care, I guess thats fair as far as it goes. But I dont think thats what you are getting at with this video.

not being an expert in games myself I can't really go through er work fact-checking each and everyone of those examples besides that's not really something that interests me

I guess thats fair as far as it goes. I’m actually glad you acknowledge that you dont know that much about games(unlike anita). But I think you’ll miss a lot of the criticisms of her in that case, which tended to focus on how fairly she was presenting the games she looked at(not very in most cases).

He then posts and summarizes a Thunderf00t video here, I’m only gonna respond to one point then pick up later(watch the full video for context)

Jamie's girlfriend didn't need to get beaten up we didn't need to see her panties as she was taken away

I pointed this out when I responded to Anita, but compare the amount of Marion porn, to the amount of Chung-li porn, and then tell me how much men desire weak or disempowered women(granted this isnt overly relevant to anything he said, but it was something that always bugged me about anita’s arguments).

Double Dragon might be a story about heroism in some broad sense but it's also a male power fantasy it makes you feel good because you get to play as a badass

No, it IS a story about heroism. I can agree that the game sidelines and ‘damsels’ Marion(although again I’m not sold on the idea of that being inherently a bad thing). But the fantasy isnt just about beating people up for no reason, its about being able to protect and save the people you care about. I’m seriously skeptical that Double Dragon(or most other games) would resonate as much without that aspect.

I’m skipping most of the rest of the Thunderf00t stuff, because I dont think thunderf00t made the best arguments, and dont have much desire to defend them.

here's her second and much more important position that games being like that that's a problem Anita isn't just here to make a bunch of neutral statements about what video games are like she wants to say that video games have some relationship to things like sexism misogyny the patriarchy negative and pervasive stuff she sees in our culture

And since I’m not convinced that games can cause people to become sexist or other have other negative views(and neither are you as we shall see). The only problem is that the games in question offend her feminist sensibilities.

[these youtubers] nitpick small errors in her analysis see she spoke too broadly about hitman her general observations about video games must be totally off-base

Its not just hitman. That was just one of many, many examples of her misrepresenting or deliberately using game mechanics to painting games in a worse light than reality is. Also she shows no understand of how gameplay affects player attention and focus(presumably because she doesnt know as a result of not playing them)

cultivation Theory cultivation theory is an area of research and psychology that attempts to study and demonstrate the impact that media has on people the sorts of behaviors and dispositions it cultivates and when these youtubers talk about this theory it is always to point out that the research has proven it false

Not so much that its been proven false. But that the effects shown are much more subtle than is commonly portrayed, tends to reinforce previously held beliefs rather than implanting new ones, and may not even apply to games. Liana Kerzner(funny how you dont cover her despite the fact that she got a decent amount of attention for arguing with Anita), and AydenPaladin have both discussed this extensively, so I’ll just leave links to their videos.

let's say for the sake of argument that these people are absolutely right about their science every study we've done shows that video games cause no shift in behavior or disposition our research into cultivation Theory has given us nothing but a bunch of bummed out psychologists now assuming all this let's ask a question what exactly would these findings mean to Anita sarkeesian's claim that video games can be harmful

It would mean she’s wrong. Actually she’s wrong even in the real world where cultivation is a thing, just more subtle and might not apply to games.

but to me it would mean absolutely nothing and why is that well here's one big reason I don't think that science is actually capable of disproving obvious facts about the wa ypeople work media's abilities are cultivate behaviors emotions and dispositions isn't some incidental point about it that requires further proof rather it's the entire reason why media exists in the first place

You’re conflating two very different things here. Nobody denies that media has an ‘effect’ in the sense of causing an emotional reaction or giving some new information to people. But thats a VERY different thing than saying media can alter peoples long-term attitudes, beliefs or behaviors.

I agree the former is obvious. The latter isnt. And in fact the effect media has is pretty small.

let's do a little thought experiment say a film is made that is unabashed Nazi propaganda let's call it Lubin'sLubin

You obviously dont speak German, but okay.

every moment in this film conveys an anonymous and an explicit hatred of Jews let's say that this film is so horrendously racist that nobody in society can possibly be influenced by it to become Nazis the vast majority of people watch it critically tear it apart maybe even reflect on how silly and gross Nazism is

So you’re saying this film may, unintentionally, have a net positive effect on society. Go on.

now if what's argon and Thunderfoot says is true if the only way to say a work of art is toxic is to look at its literal impact on society then we would be unable to condemn Lubin sh Lubin since the film has no tangible effect on anyone's behavior

Oh we could absolutely condemn the film, say its gross or bad or stupid or whatever. What could not do is say its harmful. Because it isnt.

everybody with a brain knows that this movie is bad politically not in a way that means we should ban it but in a way that is worthy of our scorn and disgust

Sure such a film would be disgusting. But disgust isnt harm. And to conflate the two is not only disingenuous as fuck, but potentially dangerous.

By this logic, Anita Sarkeesian’s videos are harmful, because lots of people are disgusted by them.

watching Anita sarkeesian's videos she does site cultivation Theory a few times says there's a causal relationship between video games being the way they are and people being sexist and to be honest I kinda wish she hadn't said those things

Do I even need to comment?

you can see that she means something very similar to what we described in our thought experiment we can see this whenever she talks about games it's pretty obvious

Indeed. Her main reason for condemning video games is that they offend her feminist sensibilities. So non-feminists have no reason to accept her criticism.

she didn't wait for the Double Dragon studies to come in and prove that the game causes regressive behaviors and of course she didn't do that because she doesn't have to she is a person who experienced this work of art and she's claiming here that what she saw in it

Or in other words:

it stipulates that violence against women can be understood as erotic

Again, who is the bigger sex symbol: Marion or Bayonetta? hint: its NOT the one who is passive recipient of violence.

it just doesn't make sense to reserve our judgments of media to only those things that the work is actively calling for we also have to look at subtext and coding

And the subtext here is ‘kidnapping and beating up women is bad. And real manly badasses protect and care for the ones they love.’

keeping with our Nazi propaganda theme which I guess we have here let's use let's use this boy as an example:

image posted for reference.

this image obviously sucks because in the society it was used in it conveyed terrible ideas it serves to implicitly justify racial hierarchy and to normalize the idea that Jewish people were subhuman it

The difference here is the image in question was used in explicit anti-semitic propaganda. There is a history here that directly links this imagery to Nazism and anti-semitism more broadly.

Video games dont have such a history. Even the tropes anita discusses that pre-date video games, such as the damsel in distress dont really have such a history. The story of Saint George and the dragon(one of the earliest DiD stories, and the oldest anita cites) was about faith and knightly duty, not gender relations. Hell Double Dragon isnt ABOUT how helpless your grlfriend, but about being the hero who is willing and capable to protect her.

Skipping some more, because I dont care:

what he[thunderf00t] seems to have forgotten is that you can buy cigarettes under capitalism and you can buy an apple under capitalism cigarettes kill 400,000 people every year but apples they don't do nearly that much damage it's actually said that they keep the doctors away you might think that cigarettes should remain legal and I'm sympathetic to that idea but you'd have a hard time convincing me that they're not harmful to the people who use them

The difference is that we have loads of evidence that cigarettes cause real, tangible harm. The same cannot be said for media. Even cultivation theory says that media tends to reinforce existing beliefs than implant new ones. And its not always clear that those beliefs translate into tangible actions.

And I’m gonna say it again before anybody brings it up: disgust is not harm.

you may think that you can talk about the worth of art from a political or moral perspective but in fact that's just a mirage anything you say about media is just an unverified and likely unsupportable position and you should probably forget about

I would phrase it differently: You can talk about media from a moral or political perspective all you want. However, anybody who doesnt share your perspective would then be perfectly justified in simply dismissing what you have to say.

hate Anita sarkeesian not because of what she says but because of who she is and the damage she causes

More precisely the damage we thought she might potentially cause. Which admittedly in hindsight was an overreaction.

they talk about how she sucks because she released her video slowly

Usually its less about her being slow, and more about she failed to keep her kickstarter promises. I dont really go in for that because because I frankly dont think its that big a deal.

didn't like being harassed on the Internet

Look, what she has shown as harassment is no worse than what most people(men and women) experience. The vast majority of it wasnt even harassment but responses and criticisms.

I guess you could say that online harassment shouldnt be a thing at all. But I also dont think thats very realistic.

talk about how she's a fraudulent grifter who gets her lackeys to phony bomb threats so she can make more money

I dont know about the bomb threat thing specifically. I DO know that she used the harassment she received(real or not) to get attention and money.

about how she's a fake gamer and so she shouldn't be talking about games

Thats a perfectly valid criticism though. Media criticism is best done by people who actually have knowledge of the media in question.

these guys are unapologetically anti-feminist and because of that they see no reason to change media to make it more feminist

So you DO get it!

and they don't criticize and Anita sarkeesian's work because of cultivation theory I mean where are the studies that show that these videos are causing murder rates to increase

I honestly dont know what you’re getting at here. The only reason anybody ever brought up cultivation theory is because Anita did first.

And they dont criticize Anita Sarkeesian's work because she explicitly calls for immoral actions

Nobody said she did? Although I think if you read between the lines she has some really negative views towards men.

and they don't criticize Anita sarkeesian's videos because they exist outside some benevolent capitalist structure I've got some hot news for you Anita sarkeesian's work is actually facilitated by capitalism

I’m not sure what you’re getting at here. But it does make Anita a massive fucking hypocrite.

no they hate Anita sarkeesian's work mostly because she says stuff they think is bad she's a feminist who wants various things about games to change and they disagree with her vehemently about it

And more importantly, that with all the attention she was getting at the time we thought the kind of changes she wants might actually start to happen. Not that her videos would turn game developers into feminists(because lets face it, theres basically zero chance of her videos turning anybody feminist). But because they might become convinced that there is an audience for the kind of games she wants.

Like I said multiple times: We were mostly mistaken about that.

Theres not really much else here. he just repeats himself. so thats all for now.

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