aftertheheavydrinking

[aftertheheavydrinking]

4

December 16, 2023: I entered the testing area of the diagnostic center and was instructed to empty my bladder before the TransV Ultrasound started. Same as the last diagnostic center we went to, taking photos and videos is also not allowed here. Additionally, only patients are permitted inside the Ultrasound Room, leaving my husband and son waiting outside the door which was unsettling. The OB-Sonologist finally inserted the thingymajiggy inside me after the previous condoms burst twice, stating that I’m resisting it. (Tho, I’m not. I’m just tight like that. Chos. Hahaha.)

___

Following the events from my last post, my OB-GYN recommended continuing with my current medication and emphasized the importance of religiously taking Duphaston as it would help with my Subchorionic Hemorrhage. She highlighted the need for me to rest, suggested reducing my intake of sugary foods and liquids, and mentioned scheduling a blood sugar test after a month of fasting. Internally, I sense that my OB-GYN might be downplaying my actual condition, perhaps to shield me from unnecessary stress.

I continued with my daily routine, the difference from my previous pregnancy and this pregnancy is that getting enough sleep is a challenge. My shift begins at 10:00 PM, typically, I wrap up all my tasks by 4:00 AM just to be prepared in case I start feeling sleepy. I inform my agents, take a break, and return by 5:30 to 6:00 AM. I consolidate my lunch and breaks into one, perks of working from home then I end my shift at 7:00 AM with all tasks completed. I'm really proud of myself and my multi-tasking skills.

___

While she’s doing her thing with the thingymajiggy, I shared with her the previous result, which she confirmed—indicating that I indeed have Subchorionic Hemorrhage.However, her next words sent a shiver through my spine, making me want to scream and crumble. “May nadinig ka bang heartbeat sa first ultrasound mo? Kasi wala akong madinig ngayon e. Sana mali ako…” I'm at a loss for words. I can't seem to recall if I heard any heartbeat myself, but suddenly, I remembered the previous results etched into my memory. Meron, 118bpm yata yun e. The doctor adjusted the monitor to face me, displaying my uterus, the supposed location of the hemorrhage, and my baby's placement. “Kung may heartbeat na narerecognize ang machine dapat mag-iiba yung color ng lining sa screen. Pero look oh, tahimik. Wala talaga mommy e.” The only way for me to navigate the situation is to quickly go on defense mode. From an emotionally charged Cancer Woman to being the Dark-Humored Girly that I am. “Doc, check mo ulit, baka bobo lang ‘yan, nakalimutan tumibok.” She looked at me with visible pity and concluded the session with, "Indicate ko nalang lahat dito, then just show it to your OB-GYN, mommy, okay? Okay na po. Balikan mo nalang result maybe after 1-2 hours, mommy.“ I quietly walked out the door and found my husband waiting outside with our only child, my only baby. Searching my eyes, he immediately sensed something was wrong and asked what's going on. I quickly and quietly replied, “Wag dito, dun na sa labas.”

Entering the car, I broke down. I cried and cried and cried some more. My intense and loud crying likely scared my 9-year-old son. He cupped my cheeks, making the sincerest effort to comfort and console me, helping me regain my composure as I held onto his hands. Meanwhile, my other hand received small kisses from my husband. I tried so hard to reiterate what had transpired inside the ultrasound room as clearly and completely as I could. And then we cried some more.

With my side of the family currently out of the country, my husband chose to drive to his parents' place for some much-needed comfort. His sisters and I decided to go out and eat, not fully accepting the reality of the situation. We’re laughing about various unrelated topics, all the while pretending that everything is still okay.

Driving home, tears flowed once again. The weight of my OB-GYN's response to the message I left regarding the result hung heavily in my mind: “Intayin mo na lang duguin ka, bago kita raspahin.” It was a statement I was never prepared to hear or read.

___

More to come.

#family #journal #life #momlife #personal #fertility #pregnancy #pregnant #filipinobloggers #filipinoblogging #miscarriage support #miscarriage #d&c #missedabortion #missedmiscarriage #grief #pregnancy loss #angelbaby #brokenheart

[aftertheheavydrinking]

3

December 10, 2023: Looking in the mirror, the weariness of recent days showed on my face, making even simple tasks like getting ready for a bath a bit challenging. I couldn't help but laugh at my reflection, because I look a bit of an effin' homeless hobo. My growing bump, feeling a bit heavy and seemed bigger than expected, is a typical trait from my Poppa's side of the family. Memories of a similar experience with my first baby, JD, made me smile. I miss JD being a baby. He’s so big now.

Despite the restlessness, my dedication to the creature inside me remains strong. I continue to take Duphaston, Pre-Natal Vitamins, and Anmum to ensure that whatever it is inside me remains healthy. I am still adjusting from my new norm of working from home but today felt different; I woke up feeling a little better from getting a good night’s sleep which was a relief from the preceding restless and insomnia driven days then I decided, it’s time for my 1st TransV Ultrasound.

En route to the diagnostic center, a thought crossed my mind: is it safe to ride a motorcycle in my condition? A thought I quickly dismissed. There’s not much of a line there compared to hospitals, I had other preggy tests done first, then came the ultrasound. Excitement built as I prepared to see my baby for the first time, I prepared my phone putting it on record when I noticed a sign saying that taking photo’s and video’s are not allowed. It frustrated me since I remember it being okay during JD’s time. How will I see my baby moving in my tummy when I’m at home, tho?

The Sonoligist already inserted the thingymajiggy inside me when I noticed a sudden change in her face, then came in the question, “Nagsspotting ka ba?” I answered, “No, why? May problema po ba?” My heart raced as I bombarded her with all sorts of questions, but the stupid bitch’s only response was “Pabasa mo nalang sa OB mo, or kung gusto mo dito ka na pacheck-up?” I tried so hard not to punch her in the face, I kept my cool and told her “It’s okay, mabilis naman mag respond and OB-GYN ko sa mga messages ko, salamat.” My husband stared at me, aware that this bitch’s testing of my patience was pushing my pregnant limits. On our way out of the room, a word she uttered to her assistant grabbed my attention; “Subchorionic Hemorrhage”.

My heart races fast because such a big word must mean something really bad. While calmly waiting for the Transvaginal Ultrasound results, the receptionist hands me my other preggy test results, assuring everything is normal except for my elevated blood sugar. Which was ironic, considering my pregnancy cravings revolve around all things mango. Yet, this was the least of my worry, as I've already googled the unfamiliar term voiced by the sonologist.

Despite our initial plans to visit my in-laws, my husband decided to head home, driving his motorcycle obnoxiously slow, somewhat realizing that using the motorcycle today might not have been his best choice. Anxiously, I clutch my stomach, praying that whatever it is inside me is fine.

Praying and hoping that everything will be fine.

—

More to come.

#family #journal #life #momlife #personal #fertility #filipinobloggers #filipinoblogging #pregnancy #pregnant #miscarriage #grief #loss #pregnancy loss #d&c #like #support #miscarriage support

[aftertheheavydrinking]

2

December 2, 2023: I was scheduled to visit my long-time OB-Gynecologist, the same doctor who delivered JD nine years ago. I candidly told her about the extent of my recent alcohol consumption, nicotine indulgence, the stress stemming from my recent resignation, and the Barangay Elections, along with lower back and dysmenorrhea-like pain. Her advice was clear: take it slow, as she diagnosed me with “Threatened Abortion,” indicating a high-risk pregnancy, similar to JD’s. I was advised to limit physical and intimate activities and, if possible, request a work-from-home setup because I am determined to continue working.

—

Before the appointment, I had already shared this with a few people – family, closest friends, and relevant colleagues. Most of them said that it does explain hella lot, explaining sudden decisions like leaving Teleperformance without giving them a room to stop me, the fatigue, emotional turbulence and evident heartbreak during the Barangay Elections, and as well as other shifts in my behavior.

And amidst all of the realization, a question struck me. Pinagttripan ba ako ni God?! Is this a cosmic-joke?! Just two-weeks in a new job, a 24-month financial commitment over an almost 100K computer that I impulsively bought 2-days ago. Plans to renovate the house with my Poppa and put a down payment on a condo unit now seem far from reach, again.

—

Following the OB-GYN appointment, I decided to already confide to my new boss about the situation, which to my surprise, she promptly went out of her way and arranged a work-from-home setup for me as soon as possible.

—

December 5, 2023: I found myself already working from home. Perhaps the decision to swiftly leave Teleperformance was guided by a higher understanding—that God knows that I wouldn't have this favorable setup if I had stayed there. As I sit at my desk, I realize that the almost 100K computer purchased on a whim one Saturday afternoon is now instrumental in this newfound arrangement. It's as if everything is falling into place, making perfect sense.

I just have to wait and see what happens next.

—

More to come.

#family #journal #life #momlife #personal #fertility #miscarriage #pregnant #pregnancy #blessings #gratitude #grateful #appreciation #pregnantlife #pregnancyjournal #like #follow

[aftertheheavydrinking]

1

November 27, 2023: The morning after a typical night of casual drinking session with my husband, with a half-lit cigarette dangled between my fingers as I rested my feet at the edge of the tub while sitting in the loo, comfortably. I decided that it was finally time to unwrap the pregnancy test he purchased a week earlier. I had been putting off using it for days just cause, I don’t know, maybe due to a nonchalant acceptance of previous negative outcomes or the habitual irregularity caused by my off-pill phases. It just seemed insignificant anymore.

As the Two Lines materialized on the strip, I found myself choking on the smoke from the cigarette between my fingers. From the initial thought of recording a quirky reaction post to the realization of a month-long revelry in alcohol consumption, my mind traversed to chaos.

“Sana nirecord ko para may emeng reaction post” morphed into “Tangina, isang buwan akong lasing,” then shifted to concerns about recent X-rays, Carbocisteine and Melatonin intake, eventually landing to “Hala, yung Eras Tour sa SG, taena.”

I immediately cried out to my sister, “Janellaaaaa! Tignan mo nga yan!” To which she responded “Hala buntis ka? Huy nagyoyosi ka pa!”

Then I thought Is it possible to get a false positive from a pregnancy test? To google I went. Simultaneously, I messaged my husband, requesting another pregnancy test. Called me to ask why with the biggest smile. Unbeknownst to many, we had been discreetly trying, secretly wishing we can still have 1 more. A little girl. Someone we can call, Jeanna Zephryn, JZ for short.

I tried one more PT that same day and another one the next day, both had the same result, both had the same Two Lines.

—

50% of me refused to believe that this is true just cause I’m scared that I, we, might get disappointed. As per dr. google, PCOS can cause false positive pregnancy and I won’t know after I get a TransV Ultrasound. 50% of me is secretly speaking to the whatever it is inside me, hoping that it will be safe. Hoping that it’s a baby. Wishing for it to be healthy which backed-up with me already taking Duphaston and Pre-Natal Vitamins that my OB-GYN recommended.

—

More to come.

#journal #family #life #momlife #personal #filipinoblogging #filipinobloggers #journaling #fertility #pregnancy #pregnant #follow4follow #miscarriage #life series

[aftertheheavydrinking]

HEY, STRANGER.

After numerous attempts to recover my old Tumblr account, I've reached a point where I've decided to let it go. Instead, I've embraced a fresh start by creating a new account and reblogging all the posts I had there. The only drawback is that I had a private journal dedicated to my firstborn son on that account, intending to print it out as a special gift for him. However, dwelling on the past won't change things.

Time for a clean slate...

Hello! It feels like it's been ages since I allowed myself to immerse in the joy of writing. Life has kept me busy, and I momentarily forgot how much I used to love this creative outlet. Recent events have prompted me to reevaluate and decide that it's the perfect time to rediscover the therapeutic practice of journaling and embrace the joy of writing once more. While Facebook served as my outlet for the past few years, recent developments in my life have led me to believe that my Facebook friends may not be as engaged in reading about my experiences and thoughts. Consequently, I've shifted my focus to Tumblr as a platform where I can freely express myself and share what's happening in my life on a more personal level with. One of the positive aspects is the anonymity that comes with using Tumblr. Not knowing who's reading my works allows me the freedom to express myself without feeling the pressure of potential awkwardness. For those who happen to know me on a personal level, feel free to drop a casual "hi." Let's keep it light, and there's no need to delve into discussions about what I share on here.

I've decided to repost the series I've been sharing on Facebook right here on this account. Keep in mind that this content is incredibly personal to me. If you feel inclined, feel free to leave a message and let's start a conversation. I'm open to connecting and discussing the topics that matter to me.

Love, Jam.

#personal #momlife #life #family #journal #filipinobloggers #filipinoblogging #pinoywriters #pinoyfamily #millenials

[aftertheheavydrinking]

Honest.

Joseph: Love, ilang beses ka na-inlove?

Jam: Dalawa.

Joseph: Bakit hindi sakin lang?!!!

Jam: Hindi kasi ako sinungaling.. I love you.

[aftertheheavydrinking]

02.14.15

Spent the whole day on the road. Literally! 

12nn kami umalis ng bahay to pick up my baby bro’s date sa Villamore for the Valentines Hop ng PNPA. Almost 5pm na kami nakarating sa Silang, Cavite. Then wala pang 5mins umalis na kami ‘cause iniwan namin si JD with my in-laws. Sobrang traffic, kahit nagskyway na kami 10pm na kami nakarating sa QC! Walang stop-over. Ang torture ng Vday. Still, masaya kasi we were able to bond over the traffic.

Goodnight.

[aftertheheavydrinking]

Valentines Day.

* Jam scrolling on Facebook

Jam: Flowers... flowers... cake... life sized teddy... flowers... chessy message... flowers... flowers......

* Joseph came up with a bottle of redhorse.

Joseph: 'Yan na mahal.

Jam: Ang sweet... Aww... GRR!

Joseph: Ano 'yan?

Joseph: Mahal, tandaan mo... Kahit hindi ako ganyan... Nandito ka palagi *points heart habang buhay. Forever.

Jam: Leche, wala kong mapost sa facebook badtrip! *Slurps beer

[aftertheheavydrinking]

“I have a mouth, I can speak what’s on my mind. I don’t live to please everyone & sugar coat shit.”

— iliveandletlive

[aftertheheavydrinking]

Redhorse with The Husband.

So, I really am in the mood for a beer or two. But my fugly husband wanted to drink somewhere else because of, you know, the baby. But his buddy cancelled on the last minute. So being the alcoholic that he is (and I), he decided to get drunk with me instead. 2nd choice? Oh well.. At least I got what I wanted, right? No sweat! :)

[aftertheheavydrinking]

Because Moms do selfies too. 💋

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Selfie with the Chunky Little Love ❤️ [02.03.15]

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invitation, tarpaulin and candle tags. layout by ate kat apo-gredona

[aftertheheavydrinking]

Little Love’s Christening Shoot. January 10, 2015 at PicturePicture SM North Edsa

[aftertheheavydrinking]

Hello.

It’s been 4 months since I delivered my Baby and 4 months since my last update. I’ve been busy as hell with the baby and let me tell you something HAVING A BABY IS NOT, I TELL YOU.. IT IS NOT ALL SUNSHINE AND BUTTERFLIES. I’ve been super exhausted, and if I change another diaper I swear I’ll go cray… BUT I LOVE IT. I SUPER LOVE IT :)

Promise to post more next time. And yes, PICTURES on my next update.

[aftertheheavydrinking]

CURRENTLY SHOWING SIGNS OF POST PARTUM BLUES.

I’ll be back.

[aftertheheavydrinking]

Had my final ultrasound yesterday to see if my baby is already positioned for labor, and he is. The doctor told me that It’s not impossible for me to be able to deliver him normally rather than the expected Caesarian section. She also told me that I have to regularly monitor my baby’s movements because my amniotic fluid are already low and i measure about 2cm. It is expected that I’m going to deliver this baby at the end of the month or first week of october. My husband and I are so excited.