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To my friend who complained to me about the Gender in the Workplace course he has to take because sexism obviously doesn't exist in our modern society anymore. I think you'd have a better bitch fest with:

-The male executive I was waiting with for the elevator in the office lobby who upon finding out I was the new Sustainability Intern proceeded to tell me "sustainability is bullshit"

-The rich business guy at my gym who laughed and also told me sustainability is bullshit and a fake major

-The 40 year old male coworker who asked me how much I weighed while we were in the elevator on our way to the staff canteen. I was 19

-The laundry lady at the hotel I used to work at who, when I spilled tea all over my clothes and asked if I could borrow a pair of the staff uniform pants, told me I should borrow a skirt instead because she was sick of seeing me in boy's pants all the time

-The head engineer who would lecture me about my own major for an hour every time he'd see me; and quiz me on my sustainability knowledge. Yes, I do know what greenhouse gases are. Who knew the four years of my life I've dedicated to studying the environment would help me answer that!

-The countless men at work who have explained and lectured me on sustainability upon learning I was an Environment major. Despite none of them being in the field. It is always men. I have never received this response from a woman. I once asked two of my male classmates how they deal with these responses and how often they get them. "Never" they replied.

It might be easy for my friend to think sexism is over because by law men and women are equal (in Canada). But it's these small remarks and constant slights that remind me that in the eyes of so many of my colleagues, I will never be as good or respected as my male counterparts.

#women in the workplace #writing

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abject horror is discovering the band i've been listening to (coconut records) is just jason schwartzman

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A Credit Card is Not Free Money

I recently watched a YouTube video on the dangers of buy-now pay-later apps as they indulge people's instant gratification while concealing from them the repercussions of buying something without the guarantee they can pay back everything in full on time.

It got me thinking about instances in my life where I have succumbed to the all consuming need to buy something. Spotting an object for the first time and being struck down by a lightning bolt of want; the electrical current jolting one hand towards the product and the other towards my back-pocket wallet. These instances are few in my life, and have gone into hibernation in the new season as I start using my own money instead of depending on my parents.

My parents have very generously educated me on the sounds of the word 'no' throughout my childhood shopping trips. And so have taught me (to the very best of their abilities) what is worth pursuing to the end of the check-out line or not. Though please be reminded that these are the same parents whose house I returned to last Christmas holiday only to discover a new bronze statue of two plump naked ladies embracing, proudly displayed on the shelf next to the dining table (which my mum insists are just two sisters displaying familial affection).

A tactic I have employed in combating instant gratification is waiting. Giving the object time to place a hold on my mind. If I'm still thinking about the item months after first spotting it, then I buy it. All others I initially contemplated purchasing have faded away from my conscience. That's how over the course of this year, I have ended up with knee-length boots, a new silver belt, and a cropped fitted collared shirt in my wardrobe on my single shopping trip to North America's busiest shopping mall back in March.

It's the same way I decide on my new tattoos: thinking up new ideas, and whichever ones stick to my brain and spread their tendrils over my synapses gets cut out and transferred onto my skin.

But I am only human. Humans get impulses. Impulses are what have allowed us to survive the Stone Age by grabbing small morsels of food already in front of us instead of risk waiting for a bigger drop that might never come. Impulses are what makes us grab that new scented candle at the gift shop because who knows the next time we'll pass through this mall, and what if they stop making Ocean Breeze because beaches are out and pine trees are in?

So here is my practical advice to give into your need for instant gratification in a safe and controlled environment:

Go to your local public library branch and go absolutely fucking feral for the seemingly endless rows of shelved books in front of you. Grab down any colourful and eye-catching spine like the monkeys at my neighbour's banana tree. I get that sought after burst of serotonin spotting a title I've been craving to read "soon, I promise!" as I get from purchasing a nine dollar matcha latte from the first cafe I come across during my lunch break digestive walk.

The last time I went to the library, I ended up with a toppling stack of books. I plopped myself down in the sitting zone to sort through what I would take home with me, and what I would leave behind in the librarians' to-be-reshelved-bin. Like picking the lucky winner between two pair of jeans in a dressing room.

The man opposite me could not stop staring at my stack until I had whittled it down to seven titles and peeled myself off the skin-sticky leather chair to go check them out.

#creative non fiction #non fiction #essay #buynowpaylater #creditcard #money #writing #write

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modern greek mythology stories as penguin classics

the penelopiad by margaret atwood, lore olympus by rachel smythe, ariadne by jennifer saint, circe by madeline miller, the song of achiles by madeline miller, the lightning thief by rick riordan

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Nayyirah Waheed, from Nejma

[Text ID: “all the women. / in me. / are tired.”]

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An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.

Samuel Butler, The Note Books Of Samuel Butler, 1912

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Millennial Ennui Book Recommendations

Every time I have attempted to spell 'millennial', I have to let autocorrect fix it somehow. I am decidedly Gen-Z, born in 2002, but am suffering from an affliction named after my brothers' generation so I'll be turning on autocorrect to survey my post.

I had high hopes for this blog, then started my job a week later; where my aspirations fell flat on the floor and turned into a puddle to be splashed in. The total mind and time-consuming nature of my internship has left no time for any form of artistic expression. The plight of every young person entering the work force. My symptoms include a general sense of emptiness, lack of creativity, and constant tiredness. The diagnosis? Millennial ennui.

I haven't found a good, or any real definition of millennial ennui yet (Buzzfeed's attempt certainly doesn't count). I would describe it as the disillusionment of starting an office job and realising this is your entire life now.

So instead of trying to run away from this feeling, I am going to plop myself down in my office chair and stare at this glowing screen for my contracted 9-5 hours. And get some recommendations out because my brain cannot form any original thoughts.

Bright Lights, Big City by Jay McInerney

Written in 1984, it's quite eery how spot on this book was in describing my newfound emptiness. We follow the main character as he drifts through the New York party scene while dealing with the loss of his relationship to his wife. The writing was surprisingly funny and self-deprecating. If you've ever looked forward to clubbing on Friday night after a long week at work, this book is for you.

Fan Club by Erin Mayer

The main character escapes her boring lifestyle website editing job by slowly becoming obsessed with internationally renown pop star Adriana Argento. From there, she falls in with a group of equally obsessed women. I've become the opposite, with all hours filled up with work I have not had the time to even contemplate starting a new interest. But listening to music on the bus ride to and from work has become one of the highlights of my weekdays. The ability to control my mood by swipping a song into my Spotify queue.

My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Otessa Moshfegh

THE book. Another unnamed narrator. She has decided to spend the next year of her life cooped up in her apartment sleeping with the help of pills. Her want to simply stop existing and decompose into the earth to be returned to the worms is what got to me. I have numbed myself to most emotions as I work long hours. My strongest emotion has now become anger, and I actively choose to spend time eating with colleagues I don't like in order to stoke a flame inside me.

Lock Every Door by Riley Sager

Not the most 'relatable' out of the list, but it is the latest one I read earlier this week and what prompted me to make this list. A thriller, Jules has been hired to apartment sit in a luxury condominium. When another apartment sitter goes missing, she starts to uncover the strange history of the famous building. Jules was recently fired from her job, and living in a condo filled with the rich has made her distasteful towards capitalism.

The Lonely City by Olivia Laing

A non-fiction collection of essays on different lonely artists that lived in New York which Laing admires. I moved back to my hometown for my current job and was hit with the realisation that no one else decides to come back. I have been drifting from home to work without talking to anyone other than my colleagues and parents. This book reminds me that even in sadness and loneliness, you can create.

--

Halfway through this list, I realised that every single one of these books is set in New York City. What is it about that heat bubble that prompts authors to write such lamenting books about? I've never lived there, but my boyfriend did over the summer and I visited him twice. I hid myself away in his white box of a rented room in Brooklyn and only ventured out to Manhattan once. Walking the streets felt like I was in the middle of a tornado, and that a cow might fly by me at any second.

#literature #english literature #book rec list #books #recommendations #bookrecs #reading #newyork #millennialennui #millennial #officejob #thelonelycity #lockeverydoor #my year of rest and relaxation #brightlightsbigcity #fanclub

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Asian-White Book Recommendations  

My father is French-Swiss while my mother is Singaporean-Chinese. I grew up in Singapore for the first 18 years of my life, and went to international schools the whole time. I had never thought about my heritages or cultures much (though I cannot tell if that's a product of being young or growing up in a place that understood my mix). When I moved overseas to Canada for university last year, I felt confronted by race and perceived differently by others for the first time. Everyone was mixed where I came from, but now none of my roommates had ever had a bubble tea or raclette in their lives.

Ever since then, I have been slowly reflecting on my identity. Over the course of the past year I have sought out and read books (both fiction and non-fiction) from other Asian/White mixed authors to help me understand myself and my feelings. Here, I have compiled a small list of the best books I have read so far dealing with being mixed.

Older Sister, Not Necessarily Related by Jenny Heijun Wills

Though not technically mixed, Wills is Korean but was adopted by a Canadian family and grew up in North America. Most chapters don't run for more than a couple pages and read almost like poetry with the lyrical and metaphoric language. Reuniting with her Korean parents as an adult, Wills details the painful emotions of feeling like you don't belong to either culture you are from -yet yearning to be accepted as a 'true' citizen of both.

Minor Feelings by Cathy Park Hong / The Loneliest Americans by Jay Caspian King

I am grouping these two memoirs together because of their similar topics and because I read them in close succession. Discussing being Asian-American, Hong and King also delve into the history of Asian immigrants in the United States and the community's evolution over the decades. I found the authors very angry and aggressive in their writing, but I have also not experienced the level of discrimination they have gone through as I grew up in Asia.

Parachutes by Kelly Yang

The only fiction book on this list, Yang tells the story Claire Wang who is sent from her home in Shanghai to attend a high school in the United States alone. Moving to Canada for university, I found myself relating to this YA novel a lot more than I had expected. How people around me treated me differently because I was an international student and the 'Crazy Rich Asian' lifestyle they assumed I have. The difficulty of trying to make friends with local students; finding myself gravitating to other Asian international students.

Small Bodies of Water / Tiny Moons: A Year of Eating in Shanghai by Nina Mingya Powles

Two books by the same author. Powles is the author I have enjoyed reading the most out of everyone on this list. She weaves her thoughts on being mixed (Chinese-Malay and New-Zealander) into stories exploring other themes: Small Bodies of Water is a collection of essays about her relationship with water, while Tiny Moons details the food she ate during her year abroad in Shanghai. Powles put into words my frustration at not being able to speak Chinese (my mother's language) while also celebrating the different cultures she comes from.

Seeing Ghosts by Kat Chow

Much more of an exploration of grief with Chow writing about her mother's death. This was the first book I read where the author also called her grandfather the same name I call mine - Gong Gong. A deeply moving book, it deals with Asian families; the hurt and love they give you.

If you have any recommendations for books on being mixed, please send them my way! I am especially looking for books that are about other countries than the United States (as I have found I relate less to Asian-American experiences than other Asian-White countries/cultures).

#asian #asia #book rec list #asian literature #book recommendations #english literature #literature #asian american #wasian #mixed race

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Welcoming Myself

Hello Internet! As I create this blog, I want to lay out my intentions before I start. To give myself some direction and to have something to look back on in the future as the starting point.

Over the last couple months I have found myself slowly removing social media from my life. It started with deleting TikTok from my phone, before discarding Instagram and limiting my Snapchat usage to only messaging. Yet I still have this inkling of wanting to share a part of myself online in some way. Hence this blog!

On here I hope to motivate myself to write again. It was something I loved doing as a teen but slowly faded from my hobbies. But last month, I wrote a small essay for a school competition and won! Ever since, I haven't been able to stop thinking of writing. I'm not sure yet what I want to write about, and I won't be able to discover it without just going for it. So here I go :)

Here's to literature and discovering what Tumblr has to offer!

#writing #literature