beatrz

[beatrz]

Webs

How do you validate your emotions and your feelings when you don’t know where they’re rooting from? 

I don’t remember what happened three-four years ago, I barely have memories of that time but I do remember the moments. I remember how I felt. I know it felt like drowning, like iron chains wrapped around me, like having water in my ears, cotton in my mouth. 

I remember the sound of heavy footsteps, loud screams and deafening silence. I remember sounds of knuckles knocking on doors-- begging to be let in. I remember not going to school for days, not moving from my bed, making myself as flat as possible so they won’t notice me. 

I remember feeling alone and abandoned. Feeling like dead weight. Like a burden. 

I don’t remember how it happened but it did. Sometimes I wonder if any of it was ever real. They feel like cobwebs in my brain. Did everything actually happen? If I barely remember it, were the emotions ever true?

-

[beatrz]

College

I had just finished my first week of college. 

Wow. 

It’s safe to say that it has been a really stressful week. It wasn’t because of the workload, it’s still light as of now. It’s just the whole meeting other people and socialising aspect of it that’s stressful. I had a whole anxiety attack in the school toilet a few minutes before I walked in to class. I had a meltdown after school recalling everything that happened. I kept overthinking my actions and words. I reached my ‘socialising limit’ earlier than usual. It was just really stressful. 

It’s great to meet new people, but the onslaught of it is scary. I already have an immediate group so that’s great. They’re pretty cool. The others are intimidating. I haven’t talked to everyone yet. There are about 41 total, 32 on a good day, and I’ve only spoken to 25% of the class. 

The professors are nice, I really see the passion in them. I don’t like my physical ed. teacher though. He gave me anxiety the whole day and all because he was so focused on me and used my name as a butt of his jokes. The rest are okay. I’m just about to meet our interior design professor on wednesday and I’m so excited. 

I’m not excited on the fees though. The school I chose is a midpoint of all the other universities. But still expensive especially with our financial state at the moment. I hope it all works out.

I’ll update again on my life in a week or a bit. I’ve forgotten about journaling honestly but I’ll get back to it.

#trisswritesstuff #college #backtoschool #interior design #journaling

[beatrz]

Younger Self

I found old writings of mine from 2016, tucked between pages of an old journal. It was a dark time but I wrote something there. A light. 

It said : 

“ It may not seem okay now, everything could look dark and cloud but, morning will come. There will be light. “Let there be light,” as God said. Light came to remove the  eternal darkness. 

Let there be light in your hearts, allow the light in. Create new things or find new endeavors to fill the space. It won’t always be dark, and it won’t always be gloomy. There will be a dawn to break the dark and begin the light. Everything will be alright.

There is hope. “

It was during a time where I didn’t know anything else except for the fact that things were dark. I was in a very dark place, stuck in a hole, and reading this I feel proud of myself. Seeing how far I’ve come. 

It’s far from perfect, and I’m far from being totally okay. But I’ll take my own word for it.

I’ve been through a lot, a lot has changed. I am strong. I am valid. I am here. There will be a dawn to break the dark. There will be light. There is hope. 

#triswritesstuff

[beatrz]

stop

stop being a ghost of my past

stop 

we agreed on that

no talking, not yet

it wasn’t out time

its not ours

let me heal

let yourself heal

let me go 

same as i’m letting you go 

#please lang tantanan mo na ko

[beatrz]

things i want in my life

my skin has been itching these past few days, especially with college looming and coming soon. it feels like such a big change, and it is. am i panicking? probably. i dont know. i’ve just been watching interior design videos these past few days, to sort of prepare myself about what could happen, what to expect. 

i dont know what im talking about anymore or why i wrote that paragraph but i really just wanted to write a list of things i want, want to be, and want to do in my life. 

1. i want to become an interior designer. inhabited or interacted spaces or built environments is such a big thing for me. i don’t think i’ve had control over how my environment looked like, or at least had very little control over it especially now, and it’s really impacted on how i feel on the daily and that’s why i got so interested in interior design. i want to give people the spaces they need and want that could help them grow and flourish. 

2. i want to learn about woodworking. these past few years i’ve been really interested in wooden furniture and creating them and it’s just an interesting process for me. i personally like hand-on activities and i fell for woodworking. finishes, grain, patterns, angles. they’re a fascinating lot and i really want to have the opportunity to learn and experience working with them.

3. i want to work with a charity organization. i have this urge to be able to help people but i dont know how. i see articles of things happening all around the globe and i feel like there’s little i could do. protesting is great and i support them by all means but it’s not something i can physically or mentally do. so, i really want to be able to join one or a few because to me, that’s how i know i can help.

4. i want to host dinners with friends.  i want to have my own place in the future and just make in a safe space for me and friends. i want to learn how to cook and create meals. i want to be able to text my friends to come over for dinner because im cooking a big meal. celebrating a holiday together with friends also falls under this category. 

5. i want to be able to see a psychiatrist or therapist one day. i want to work with one to help me get better with myself and other people, and to help me in managing thoughts and emotions. 

6. build better habits and create a lifestyle that will be consistent for me. i want to have a better diet that’s healthy for me, eat less meat maybe. be consistent in working out. create time for myself. have a sustainable living, create less waste. not only would it be good for me, but it’s also for the environment. 

7. give back to my mother. it’s already a culture in the philippines thats predominant, and it’s really important to me. she’s worked so hard and i want to return or give back to her. so to do that, i want to establish myself, build me career, and slowly give back. im really thankful for her for everything, our relationship may not always be okay, but i love her still. 

8. i really want to learn how to ride a bike. 

i guess i’ll use this as a guide for me. years from now, i will always look back to it as a reminder and to see how far i’ve come to reach these wants of mine. 

#Things I Want To Do #lists #jounaling #interior design #woodworking #habits #lifestyle #sustainable living #friends #charity

[beatrz]

8/21/19 life update

it’s been almost a month since i updated on here. nothing much has happened actually. this past month has been pretty blank other than 

meeting up with a few of my bestfriends. 

One of them, Julia, flew in to the country several weeks ago and we met up with her and had some late lunch and starbucks. it was really nice actually. what else has happened.

i hung out with my best friend and her old school friends a few days ago. i left something at her house to i went to her and just hung out with them. it was really fun actually. 

i’ve just been doing a lot of cleaning as well to sort of fill me time. i still have a few weeks to go before classes start. i’m not even sure if i’ll get to go to school yet but hopefully i do. im excited for it, and the school is the place i’ve been wanting to go to for so long. 

i might !!! also get a tattoo later in the week. i saw the opportunity for it and i don’t want to let go of it anymore. my mom is fine with it and the artist is pretty good anyway. so i’m really stoked for it. 

i started a painting for my bestfriend. honestly, im having such a hard time with it, especially skin tones. i juggle between wanting to play with paint and styles, as well as wanting to create realistic tones. i wont be giving it until december anyway so i think it’s safe. 

this month is a bore. not much really is happening. god i just want to be at school already. 

#life update #august

[beatrz]

Social Media Detox - What I learned, what happened, what i want to change

I started this detox around early July for several reasons. Well, maybe just two— my mental health wasn’t getting better and my consumption of social media and information was aggravating it.

My relationship with social media before this was just me constantly on it, constantly scrolling, constantly looking up the latest drama, constantly checking on people, constand worry and anxiety. I was getting more and more nervous, and paranoid to the point where I felt the need to check friends’ profiles to see if I’m being talked about. It wasn’t getting healthy for me and my relationships so I decided to take on this detox. I deactivated and deleted my Twitter and Instagram — my most used and anxiety inducing applications— and detoxified my Facebook account, meaning I unfollowed people and pages who don’t really contribute in my life.

A week into it, I was having a sort of withdrawal. My anxiety boosted through the roof, I wasn’t very rational, I had a few attacks, and it wasn’t great at all. I remember this day where I felt like everything was just going wrong, like something was going on that I don’t know about because I wasn’t on social media. I had times where I caved and sort of checked on it a bit, and I would tell my bestfriend who then told me to remind myself why I was doing it in the first place.

Second week, I felt at least a bit less anxious. The worry was still there but it wasn’t as persistent as it was during the first week. I had urges to check Twitter (I just had the break up at the time) but really tried not to succumb to it. I had several things that kept me busy, this blog for example, and it really helped. I had a new outlet to channel my thoughts much freely and in a more cohesive way. Journaling, writing, and just being more in tune with my thoughts has helped so much.

Third and last, I barely thought of social media. Even if I did, it wasn’t about what’s happening or what I’m missing out on, it was more on what better content can I put out there. Thoughts on how I can use more of my creativity and how I can use it to put it out there. Reevaluated how I can control the information that enters me, what social media is, what it is to me, and what’s more important.

I reactivated my accounts on the 22nd. At first I had a day where I just couldn’t stop myself until I just took a step back and thought to myself about what exactly I’m doing and why. I don’t need to see everything, just what’s important, and what matters to me. Sure entertainment is fun but the onslaught of useless information is what damages how we use it.

With all this in mind, here’s what I’m changing.

Twitter

I’m limiting my use in the application, and unfollowing pages that aren’t really worthwhile, just to have a bit of control over what content and information in consume.

Seeing the toxicity of people in the app, all the useless drama, and arguments— it’s not helping me. Sure I’d still read my bookmarked AUs and news story, but I won’t get myself hooked into another person’s drama.

2. Instagram

I don’t need to follow everybody. I also don’t need to constantly worry about how my feed looks like because in the end, no one really cares. I mean yea I want it to look good, but it will no longer be because of what people want but more of what I can put out there. I mentioned earlier that I want my creativity to come out more and that’s what I’m going to focus on.

I’m going to focus on my own personal creativity to expand it even more and to just share it and if that brings people in then thats great.

3. Tumblr

This has been my source of sanity. I enjoyed this and I will continue with it. Journaling here or blogging has been beneficial to my brain and myself, and it should be something everyone should get on with. It’s like a meditating thing. It doesn’t need to be long or anything, just get your mind out there.

I received an actual journal from my bestfriend and I think I will use that as an extention of this. So that journal will just be daily journaling or every few days or so, and this blog would be for updates in my life, topics from the journal that I want to expand or keep talking longer about, and the journaling prompt I have.

That’s all for this experience, I would like to do it again sometime. I think everyone should take a break every once in a while. It was a rocky experience but maybe next time it won’t be as.

#social media detox #detox

[beatrz]

07/28/19 life update

how long has it been since I did an update? What has changed since then?

Well, first I got in the college that I want. Took their test a week before and got sent the confirmation message a few days after. I feel very relieved and just so excited. I’ve been wanting to get into that school for so long and now I’m going there.

My relationship of nine months recently ended, about a week and a half ago. Things has changed and we weren’t getting better. Ending it would be for the best for both of us. I’m handling it oddly well. It’s my first and I thought it would be more. I expected it to be like the one in films where they’re just sad and a lot of crying and ice cream, but it’s just not like it. Which is great, i guess.

I went on a trip up north with my bestfriend. It was a four day trip and it was amazing. The two of us hadn’t seen our best friend in around two years so we decided to just go and make the trip. It was cold, and really fun. The three of us cuddled up in a tiny bed to just really bask in the fact that we were finally together after so long.

I’m making a different post about my social media detox in a few days. If anyone is reading this, stay tuned. I guess.

#journaling #journallng #writing #college #break ups i guess

[beatrz]

i feel like everything is going wrong and it doesn’t make sense

As said in the title, I feel like there’s something wrong and it doesn’t make sense to me.

It’s this feeling of anxiety that lays heavy on my brain and sits on my lungs. It squeezes itself into my veins and won’t allow the blood to pass through. It kicks inside my stomach, making food a fearful thing. It weighs on my arms and holds me down onto my bed or this chair I’m sitting on.

It really doesn’t make sense to me. If you put down the reasons, it’s a logical thing I don’t have to worry about, but it does make me worry. At some point, I thought that the lemon water I was drinking had solvent on it that’s why I was feeling the way I do.

It’s a terrifying thing, to not now what’s happening and why exactly you’re feeling this way. You just now one thing, and that is something is wrong. So you ride it out, only to find out that everything was fine.

#mental health #trigger warning: anxiety

[beatrz]

Social Media Detox: Two Days In

I feel like I’m in hell.

I feel as though my brain can’t shut up.

I think this just proves how badly dependent I was on my social media. It helps me pass waste my time, keeps me in the loop of what’s happening on the Internet and on other parts of the world. Twitter made me feel relevant enough, but not too relevant. A reply to my tweet is a conversation, a like is a notice, and a retweet is an acknowledgement. So it basically gave me a bit of sense of self-worth, which shouldn’t be based on how people notice me online. Tweet about me then I’ll matter. Instagram makes me look more glamorous than I actually am. Remove the bad, and show the good, that’s what it’s all about.

It feels superficial, I feel superficial. Who am I outside of the the world of online? It feels redundant to say as a lot of blogs have posted about it, but why does my online persona matters to how I see myself? Why am I so affected by what could be going on online?

Two days in and I feel my anxiety levels skyrocket so fast that I can’t even keep up with it. Not knowing what’s going on makes me so nervous. I feel like now that I’m not online, people are taking the opportunity to talk about me. I can’t help but feel like people secretly don’t like me. It feels like torture. Second-guessing everyone, doubting everyone. I feel so disconnected from everyone.

I just cant stop thinking about why does it matter so much. It shouldn’t matter this much.

#social media anxiety #social media detox

[beatrz]

7/8/19 life update

Another update in my life, not that anyone’s interested.

FIRST. I went to Pride March !!!! It felt absolutely heartwarming. Being around people who just want the same thing felt really good. My girlfriend and I met up with some of her friends, and it was really good. We separated from them after the march itself and met up with her classmate, Sarah, and had dinner. We also stayed for the performances. The performances were astounding. The drag queens killed it, and the singers were amazing. Along with that is I outed myself to the rest of the people I know. I didn’t really say it. I shared a bisezual meme and posted a photo of me and Luna kissing, and just hoped that they get it. I don’t really feel the need to come out, and I think it’s because I don’t want to make a big deal out of it. Obviously, it’s still different, but I just want to go on normally. And I do hope one day soon, we’ll come to a time where members of the community wont need to come out.

SECOND. Mom is okay with Luna now. In a way. She said there’s no bad blood between them, and that she’d like anyone I like, and even more if they make me a better person. So that’s really great as a starting point. The rest just relies on me and my progress.

THIRD. My college entrance tests are coming up next week. I’m feeling slightly pressured, I thought I had the whole month of July to prepare for it, and not just two weeks. But it’s great, at least I’d have it over and done with. My aunt is asking me to update her about the results. We spoke over the phone and she seems like she wanted to keep in contact after her vacation her a few weeks ago.

FOURTH. I’m quitting social media for two weeks, or three. Maybe even a month. Let’s see. Mainly I just feel like I’m on it excessively, and I rely most of my time on it. Instead of controlling how much I use it, I need to see first how I am without it. Lately, I’ve been seeing nothing but negativity on my timelines, and that impacts my daily ‘vibe’. I want to see want changes I can do on myself without that barricade over it. I feel like this exercise will help me re-evaluate how I use social media and what information I allow to have, but also give myself the time to work on myself for myself and not just for what I project onto people. Remove external barriers to work internally, therefore expanding the external.

FIFTH. I’m going “on vacation” after my exam. My best friend is flying in from UAE, so we’re going with her to Baguio. It was supposed to be the week before exams but circumstances happened so we had to adjust the dates a bit. I might post photos here. I don’t know maybe.

That’s it so far. I’ll come back here maybe later in the week again. Write something, say something. Till then.

#life update #pride march #college #social media detox #vacation

[beatrz]

journaling, plans, and shit

I follow this Youtuber, his name is Matt D’Avella and he’s pretty cool. I’ve been watching his videos for half a year now maybe, and I always go to them when I feel like I need a push for self improvement. He does that a lot, he takes on these “challenges” to see how that changes his life. His recent one was journaling for thirty days.

Is that why I immediately came here after watching that video?

Maybe. Hm.

I don’t really know what to talk about so I guess I’ll just update what has been going on with me.

First off, I’ve been listening to podcasts. It makes me feel good, the topics they tackle are really great and gives me a lot of insight. Most of what I’ve been listening to are more on the self-improvement talks and such. They’re really nice, I opt for it rather than music while I’m on a commute. It gives me a lot of perspective on things, and I’m going to continue integrating listening to podcasts in my daily things.

Next is my friends met Luna, finally. It was really great and I’m glad they got along. I also met my friend, Joireen’s, boyfriend. That was nice, too. I went to Luna’s school the other day and I met her new friends, faced the douchebag flirting with her (it’s an absolutely long story I don’t talk to talk about lol), and we went out on a date that night. So far so good. Kinda.

I haven’t still talked to my family about her yet again. I really want to fix things, but to me it’s easier said than done. It’s a simple question to ask but so hard for me to say. We also haven’t talked about therapy again. I think my mom thinks that I’ve let it go. I haven’t. I’m just scared to bring it up again.

Pride march is coming up this week-end and I haven’t asked if I could go. I wish I could go. But the day coincides with another family thing, so fingers crossed. I’ve also been thinking about making a post on Facebook on coming out, to get my sexuality straight across. The family that know still don’t get it. There’s no changing it. There’s no changing me. I just want to be completely out, then if they don’t get it then that’s on them. I’ll try to educate those I can, but ultimately, I just want to live my life loving who I love.

I guess this is it. This is all I have to say right now. I’ll write again when I can. Wow why am I writing this as if someone’s listening. Anyway. Good bye.

#life update #matt d'avella #podcasting #journalling

[beatrz]

idk what i want

i spent hours switching between phone application, waiting for greetings to bombard me as I had thought - or hoped- would happen. I thought people would remember, or at least pretend to care. I see how many Facebook friends I had and only roughly 20 out of 210 people greeted me. It’s an annoyance to think about. What’s the point of having that many friends and not hear anything from them?

maybe I expected to much. Expected that people would care. Waiting for family that I know to greet me, or think of me. Waiting for people I’ve known for almost seven years. Waiting for people I’ve known for two years. Waiting for people I’ve known for one. Waiting for that long Facebook posts that everyone else gets when it’s their birthday. Waiting for that Instagram story with my name tagged on it. Waiting for a Twitter greeting from those I know online.

Maybe it’s superficial. It actually really is. To wait for reassurance, to see if people care through how many posts I get.

Why do I wait?

To see if I actually matter to them.

Do I really?

#im scared of getting older lol #birthday posts #birthday blues lang

[beatrz]

18 years

I just turned 18 around twenty minutes ago and the first thing I did was cry. I don’t really know why I cried. I just knew that the closer the clock got to 12am, the more melancholic I got. This dark cloud just started to loom over me, and I tried to run from it. I wrote, and I wrote, and I wrote. I planned our family outing when my aunt comes, I edited a video, but nothing helped.

It’s almost every year that I feel this. But this year feels much more.

Weeks leading up this day I was constantly asked what I wanted to do for my 18th. Usually, people had the whole shebang of a party; 18 roses, 18 candles, people celebrating your adulthood. Originally I just wanted to go out with all of my friends, have them finally meet my girlfriend through a day of ice skating and dinner. But the closer it got, the less I wanted to do anything.

My family usually create a feast for everyone every time there’s a birthday. Celebrate the person. And I just keep thinking, why would anyone celebrate me.

I see people being celebrated through parties and why does it seem like they deserve all of it, and I don’t? It’s kinda sad, really.  There’s a subtle wave of envy, just a tiny bit but it’s there. I want to be someone for people to celebrate. But I’m not. I’m not someone that people would be giving speeches over how great they are. I have nothing for people to be proud of. There’s absolutely no reason for people to celebrate me.

Am I sad because I’m aging and getting older because not being young scares me, or am I sad because I’m still alive and will probably be alive for longer.

The truth is something we all want to find out and something that scares us the most.

Who am I and what do I have that people should celebrate that I’m alive?

#idk what this is #idk whats going on #birthday blues #i guess

[beatrz]

I have this list

I made a list of things I want to be able to accomplish throughout my summer. I have three months left, and maybe I’ll finish all of them. Under that list includes:

1. Finish the Captain Marvel emblem on my back pocket.    - I started that project way back when, around late last year. I fucked up the process so now there’s this ugly-ass pieces of fabric on the ass pocket of my only pair of skinny jeans.

2. Upcycle/repair clothes I got from the thrift store, or as we call it here in the Philippines as ukay-ukay.    - There’s this absolutely beautiful baby blue dress that I got. It has an a-line skirt, thick straps, and just overall flattering, but it’s too much to wear. It’s something you usually can only wear at christenings or birthdays, and I don’t go to any of those. So, I’m going the cut and sew the dress to make a short slip dress and create a frilly top with the remaining fabric. I also got a few skirts to repair and resize so yay.

3. Finish portraits that I started and create a self-portrait.    - I have two pending portrait paintings, one of my girlfriend and another of Tony Stark. I can’t finish it. And it’s just there.

4. Winter Soldier costume.    - APCC is coming up this August and I really want to be fem!bucky. Tony Stark, my main stan, died so what the fuck do I do? I, then, fell down a rabbit-hole called Sebastian Stan, hence, Winter Soldier. Besides, if my girlfriend does still go as Captain America, we’re fulfilling stevebucky.

5. Read a book or two a week.    - I feel detached and a lot of times. Once upon a time, reading was a constant of mine, even almost became my career choice, and now I haven’t been in touch with it.

6. Write something, or several things, every week.    - I have this problem of being too inside my head and keeping things to myself, so maybe writing will help me. Release a load off my shoulders. I wrote this list down in my planner a week ago and I’m only starting one of it now.

I dont really know why I created a list. I mean, yeah, I have too much time on my hands, and nothing to do, so having this list will keep me occupied. Or maybe I made a list in hopes of feeling better. Maybe I’ll get better. I wish I could get better.

#summer bucket list #things i want to do #things i could do #things i would #i love lists