bitchitsgidge

[bitchitsgidge]

A heist Hard Knock Life with Markiplier.

[bitchitsgidge]

We’re heading into a seedy bar with a reputation for serving pirates.

Warlock, ooc: “I’d like to pull a Strider and just find the darkest corner and pull my hood up and just sit there forebodingly.”

DM: “I’m sorry but it appears that all the dark corners here are currently occupied.”

[bitchitsgidge]

The story of how I got Vampire Roofied(tm)

So my party had been chasing after an evil cult for some time. We came across a palace where we met a governor whom we suspected to be a vampire. My character being somewhat of a slut naturally didnt care, and thought he was cute. So, my party enlisted me to seduce him in order to determine whether or not he was an evil vampire.

I put on a black, VERY low cut dress and rolled to seduce. I got a 16, and after some name dropping and cleavage showing I had him. However, we finished dinner and he showed me to my room, closing the door after he went in with me.

DM: he walks up to you and puts a hand on your cheek, roll a wisdom save.

Everyone: oh shit.

(Rolls an 8)

DM: Sooo, you fail. You suddenly let your guard down. He seems so kind and trustworthy! And you get the feeling you'd do anything for him. (ic) "You are so beautiful, I'd just like... a taste."

Long story short he charmed me, I let him bite me and then we had sex.

Now my character is a vampire who is pregnant with the antichrist. Whoops.

#d&d character #dungeons and dragons #d&d #vampire #wtf

[bitchitsgidge]

Reason #4075 why depression sucks ass

Today I woke up around ehhh 11am. I got up and made myself some breakfast, but afterwards I couldn't get myself to do things (even art or singing or things I actually like doing) and just went back to bed until about 6pm. I'm awake now, but all I want to do is go back to sleep. I also feel guilty for sleeping so much. So that's some of the shit I live in.

#depression #wasteful #sleep #monday #why am i like this

[bitchitsgidge]

Roll for seduction

DM: So you guys walk into the large room and see "the vulture".

Me: Roll to seduce.

DM: umm alright, roll.

*rolls nat 20*

DM: *rethinking his plot line* Alright, you walk in...sexily... and his eyes immediately land on you.

Me: Yes! Take THAT diplomacy!

#shit players say #rpg #d&d #dungeons and dragons

[bitchitsgidge]

Shit thats happened to my dumb half orc character in D&D

So my go-to character is a half-orc barbarian named Maira. She has a 18 strength stat, but an 8 for intelligence. Naturally this leads to some pretty ridiculous encounters, such as:

-Getting pregnant and having a horny wizard transmute her into an elephant, then have said wizard climb into her elephant vagina to get rid of the baby.

-Walking up to villains (on multiple occasions) and happily saying “hi” to them. This throws them off their rhythm. (STREET SMARTS.)

-Rolling to seduce would-be boss villain(s), getting a nat 20 and a 17, causing the DM to rethink his master plan.

-Knocking on a bad-guy lair’s front door pretending to be a birthday stripper, suddenly the rest of the party bursts in like the goddamn kool-aid man and she splits the guy who answered the door in half with her great-axe.

-Almost getting kidnapped (three different times, one successful)

-Falling into a rancor pit-trap and trying to befriend it, only to have the rancor rip her arm off and partially eat her. (She lived, somehow.)

-Getting pregnant in 4 different games, all from pcs. 

Conclusion: She is the fucking BEST.

#rpg #dungeons and dragons #why npcs hate pcs #shit #half orc #d&d #d&d character #why am i like this #john mulaney #street smarts #kid gorgeous