cashkarlosandblue

[cashkarlosandblue]

#oof #it is what it is #tw substance mention

[cashkarlosandblue]

. tw vent in tags

#im doing bad lmao #its the relapsing for me #and i feel so emotionally vacant #so i stopped eating bc thats just what my brain thinks is always the answer #i guess i was so depressed and still eating well that i was like.. lets switch it up #im so anxious and i just need time to stand still for a while so i can get it together #text #personal #tw ed

[cashkarlosandblue]

why can't I just live off of vape pens and diet Dr Pepper

#current mood but make it ✨thc✨ #tw ed #tw

[cashkarlosandblue]

torn bw desperately wanting a gf and also knowing that i need to work on my mental instability before i have any kind of human interaction

#i am currently self destructing and its not fair to drag someone else into that #but at the same time girls are beautiful and i want to cuddle w someone #im just lonely #text #personal

[cashkarlosandblue]

its the being in recovery but taking a nutrition class to trigger yourself into a relapse for me :/

#like what am i DOING #ive been restricting for over a week now #n ive been like ‘that may become a problem... for later’ #but at least im ✨self aware✨ #i feel dumb asf tho #like imagine having a brain that only releases serotonin when u DONT EAT #ed tw #tw #personal

[cashkarlosandblue]

Spongebob Squarepants season 1 episode 17b: Rock Bottom

“This isn’t your average everyday darkness. This is… advanced darkness.”

[cashkarlosandblue]

A Lesbian Icon

#as a fellow lesbian santana’s character meant so much to freshman me #im not religious but i truly hope nayas soul has found peacd #glee

[cashkarlosandblue]

[cashkarlosandblue]

ik this wont reach many people but i have to say it. no matter how much you hate yourself, starving yourself is not the answer. it will make everything a hundred times worse and ruin your life. i first developed my ed at 13 and now nearly 7 years later, despite considering myself “recovered”, thoughts of what i look like, what i could look like, and what i have/havent/could have eaten CONSTANTLY consume me. i am at a point where i mostly do not act on those thoughts but it makes my life a living hell to this day and i have come to terms with the fact that i will most likely struggle with these thoughts for the rest of my life. eds do not make you happy with yourself. they just break you down and ruin any relationships. and recovery is a long and painful process that you must actively choose every minute of every day.

#im just struggling lately #and ik a lot of people close to me showing signs rn #but i also have a tendency to assume the worst when it comes to that lmao #but still to anyone in the beginning stages GET OUT #text #personal #ed mention #recovery

[cashkarlosandblue]

we did all of this hamilton discourse in 2015!!!!!!! if you weren’t around for it then just know it happened and every take possible was had!!!!! go get some juice and log off

[cashkarlosandblue]

while “zuko sent to find one single person who hasnt existed in 100 years and then he actually does” can be very funny in concept, can we just talk about how fucking heartbreaking it must be for iroh? 

like. he knows this is an impossible task. and it does happen–yes! in the first episode, so maybe we don’t even think about it that much! but when ozai tells zuko to go find the avatar, it’s an impossible task. and iroh knows this. and zuko might have everything riding on this, and he’s a kid and hasn’t learned what’s impossible yet, and so he’s plugging his ears and saying “i can do it! i can do it and then dad will love me again!”, but iroh knows the only reason this specific task was assigned is because ozai doesn’t want him. he doesn’t want him back. ozai didn’t want him to betray them so he gave him a little hope, a little “of course i could still love you, you can come back, that’s a possibility, just don’t disappoint me” because, you know, he’s an abusive dick. but iroh knows his brother, and he knows 

i think as a kid, while i loved loved iroh, it was a little hard to reconcile his silly moments with his wise moments. it’s not anymore 

i’m just thinking of the pai sho tile, and how silly it seemed at the time that it was just in his sleeve. silly old man! so forgetful 

no. no, that wasn’t it at all 

because every moment he stalled, every moment he mucked up the plan, every moment he just generally wasn’t helpful, that was another moment where he could still have a chance. where he might get through to zuko. where he could delay what was suddenly now a very real possibility: 

that ozai sent zuko away, but zuko would actually come back, expecting to be loved. and that’s what iroh didn’t want to happen. winning ozai’s love was more unrealistic than finding someone who’d been dead for 100 years, in the end 

#zuko and iroh’s dynamic is something else jfc #atla

[cashkarlosandblue]

[cashkarlosandblue]

nothing like losing the entirety of ur teenage years to mental illness and then u finally start feeling better but then u realize that u will most likely lose ur early 20s/college years to corona :)

#its just so obvious that unis will not be able to operate like they did last yeat #n that will most likely last for a long ass time #after this (online) semester ive only got two years of college left so if things dont improve by then?? #just more fucking wasted opportunities that ill never get back #bc it wasnt enough that i was s******* and had an ed for the last 8 yrs #lets just fucking ruin the entire world #can u tell im bitter lmao #text #personal #tw in tags

[cashkarlosandblue]

real big trauma mood is crying for 5 minutes once every six months and then going back to repressing every emotion

[cashkarlosandblue]

I hope no one can tell how fucked up I am from my large attraction to damaged, sarcastic, and depressed characters.

[cashkarlosandblue]

Part 1 - White Clouds 

An Inevitable Encounter (Great Tree Moon)

#my wife #fe3h

[cashkarlosandblue]

i miss you a lot. i keep thinking about how you looked with your head tilted back, laughing. i’ve lost lovers before and wept over my fingers. but what am i going to cry about this time? you were just my best friend. i still know your birthday and your favorite color and how you feel about lemonade and how you sound singing at the top of your lungs. like, i still think about you at night, wondering if you’re doing alright - but when i reach out, we walk the same six conversations - how’s it going? haha yeah that’s crazy. oh cool! yeah totally. yeah i’m busy too. hope we can see each other soon. i know we’re different people now. but you know. somehow, i still love you.

#s/o to the vent i just posted bc this sums it up #theres millions of things written about how devastating heartbreak is #but what abt just losing the person who was your best friend?? #it was almost 3 years ago but just seeing your face still hurts #words