disornrnsldfm

[disornrnsldfm]

1/5/22

Ahhhhh so much sadness and frustration and anxiety right now. Tomorrow I have to drive a bunch, but there’s a ton of interrelated issues weighing on me and I can’t sleep. My dad is being a dick about my brother’s (my soon to be) dog and I have some potential solutions but they all either pose logistical problems in and of themself, or require money and time to implement, neither of which I have much of at present, due to classes starting soon, the weather rolling in soon, and me not having savings at present other than the stuff that isn’t readily accessible, and I’m not in a position to ask for favors from people as a stopgap bc I’ve been exposed to a confirmed covid case briefly, and I don’t wanna make people uncomfortable by being near them, but I also cannot just not tell them, bc that would be incredibly deceitful and reckless. Stuck between a rock and a hard place and my dog hangs in the balance. God this sucks.

[disornrnsldfm]

11/26/21

God I have a boyfriend currently and I kind of hate it. But my feelings go back and forth, between like. Intense feeling of wrongness, to this might be ok, to indifference, to I kinda like hanging out with this person. But currently I’m struggling, and a couple days ago he sent me a text that’s been weighing on me, and I’ve been stewing over it, and so here’s the thing. He sent me this text about him feeling worried about me and this essay I have to write for the fucking student conduct people over a parking issue. And I think the reasons it bugs the shit out of me are multiple and complicated, but most pressing and important is that I am at home for the holidays. And to most people that’s a fun jolly good time. But I’m at a place that makes me depressed and anxious and emotional already, though I hide it well enough in front of people. But like, when I’m here I struggle with my mental health a lot more than usual, and you sent me a fucking text about an essay because you’re anxious for me and whether not I’ll get it done on time? Fuck right off with that. Like seriously. I’m over here high key considering just taking my car and driving to a place no one recognizes me and starting over, disregarding all family and friends and responsibilities like college and approaching exams and whatnot, or just fucking killing myself and being done with it, and you wanna remind me about a fucking essay? Because you can’t stop worrying for me about my responsibilities? I’m kinda just trying to make it through the week without giving into those temptations. So sorry, if I don’t fucking ease your mind and write my fucking essay. Thanks for your concern. Fuck right off.

But also, like, there’s a kind of patriarchal paternalistic control aspect that because you’re my boyfriend you have the right to tell me how to manage my time and responsibilities? No. Double fuck you for that one. And like yeah you’re allowed to check in on people you care about, but you’re not entitled to fucking act like their parent or an authority figure in their life. And maybe I’m a little over defensive of my autonomy and my control and my right to make my own choices, but like, for one, I grew up with a super controlling father and stepmom so I’ve experienced a lack of control in the past which makes me more sensitive about that stuff. But also, have you seen the news? Brittany was stuck in a conservatorship for 13 years. The troubled teen industry in the US is a major issue, even though so many are speaking out about it and fighting for the rights of teens and children to be considered people in their own right. People in prisons are stripped of so many personal liberties and like, basic human decency. There are so many legal ways to take control of other people. There are so many ways people are violated, legally or otherwise. And a lot of women and minorities are doubly vulnerable. It’s fucking scary. I am scared for myself. I am scared for others. So I think being a little over defensive of my autonomy and my decision making is kind of something to be expected, like damn. I’ve explained that I get defensive of my autonomy and personal freedom and choices to him before. I haven’t exactly enumerated all of this, what I’ve written here, but I’ve let him know that he’s not my boss and never will be before. But gah it fucking grates on me whenever he says something like this. Even if I know he has good intentions. Honestly, especially if there is good intent, because it makes it harder for me to say shit about it. Even if I know he probably doesn’t mean for it to come across this way. But it fucking does, it fucking bugs the shit out of me.

I honestly think it might be time to break up. The weight of his concern for me feels like chains, tying me down. And I have no patience for being controlled.

[disornrnsldfm]

11/10/21

Throw the whole religion out, an essay on my relationship with Christianity and sexuality

#religious trauma but not really #if i do still believe in god #its the walk backwards into hell type of faith #the wanna fucking fight god type of faith #the hand-in-hand with Satan and sin and loving it type of faith

[disornrnsldfm]

9/26/21

Every so often, I get this feeling. Sometimes it comes triggered by seeing a story or a post or hearing a song lyric, but sometimes it just comes when thinking about myself, reflecting on why I am the way I am, or what I want in life. This time, it was triggered by this twitter thread https://twitter.com/gummipie/status/1433069692990763017  and another story or piece of media or maybe a tiktok where the comments were talking about a woman’s education acting as a martyr for motherhood and her childrens lives or something.

But the feeling itself, its the mourning of women past and present. Its the mourning for women who, for whatever reason, didn’t get to follow their dreams either out of a feeling of duty or sacrifice or because they were forced into the role. Its the mourning for a woman who became a mother and because she wouldn’t/couldn’t/chose not to get an abortion for whatever reason and so put her life on hold, but that hold was indefinite, and she never got a chance to resume along down that path. its the mourning for the women without the resources to get out of whatever situation she was in, be it poverty, abuse, or general oppression and patriarchy. Its the mourning for women throughout history and in present day who are treated as lesser or held in less regard for the fact that they are women. Its mourning for women who, out of fear or concern for their safety or because they felt they needed to for whatever reason, make themselves smaller, make their personalities nonexistant, make their lives about servicing others. Its the mourning for women who would have, could have, should have done so much more.

Its the anxiety about what could happen to me, should I get pregnant. Its the worry that I might lose my scholarships, lose my chance at a college degree and a fulfilling career. Its the worry that my uterus, my fertility, is more important than me and my dreams. I find myself fantasizing about being a man sometimes, or at the very least getting my fertility and/or my uterus surgically removed or sterilized somehow. I find myself not wanting to be a woman sometimes. Not because I dislike being feminine, nor because of a sense of dysphoria (though I feel like sometimes maybe????). But because, by my being a woman, I am somehow lesser for it in the eyes of the world, or valued more for my fertility than what I would consider my actual worth.

Idk, a lot of this is rambly and poorly written, but I feel like this feeling of fear and anxiety about being one of the women whose lives didnt go as planned informs or affects all of my decisions, from my choice of what to wear to my future life plans, to my interpersonal relationships, be they platonic or romantic.

[disornrnsldfm]

2/6/21

God I hate this anxious feeling. I’m trying to make plans with people but I don’t wanna text them to frequently and be seen as needy but I want to make these plans before the day slips by, and nothing is done. Do I push? Do I just wait for them to contact me? I’m not sure, but it’s weighing on me and I just want to hang out and celebrate with my friends, if only I could get a response.

[disornrnsldfm]

1/9-10/21

A conversation I don’t intend to have with my mom anytime soon

You looked at me just now with confusion in your eyes and tone after you ask me to give in for the thousandth time and I push you away for it.

I am the one you look to to resolve our [my brother and I’s] conflicts, which usually means my giving in, even when he’s the one being ridiculous, even when it’d be simpler for him to drop his demands, or even for him to just meet in the middle.

And yet why are you so hurt? Why are you so confused? What did you think would happen after I’ve been chipping away at myself for years in the name of peace? Did you expect me not to been worn down? Did you expect me not to feel broken down, worn out, or even shattered?

Why is it always me. Why am I the one who has to be the bigger person, the appeaser, the one who ends up having to give in, to concede, to give up? Is it because I’m older? That doesn’t seem to be worth much in most situations, not to him, not to people around me. Is it because I’m less stubborn/more mature? If so, I’m happy to dig my heels in for once, if it means that people won’t look to me to be the “bigger person” (i.e. biggest loser) 100% of the time. Plus, why should I have to give in if my position is more reasonable in the first place? I won’t say that that’s true all the time, but at least a fair amount of the time it is the case, and yet I am still the one that has to back off. This last one is the one I’m most afraid to be true, but the one I have the most suspicions of. Is it because I’m a girl? Because in that case that’s just another tick on the list of things that I have to hate about being born a girl, a woman. It’s another reason to hate my gender, to hate my society, to hate patriarchy, and to hate the beliefs that are so ingrained in you that you would ask me to be the one to give in, that you would ask me to get things for my brother, that you would ask me to look out for him but really mean serve him. It’s not just the giving in that makes me think this. There’s a whole stack of things I don’t agree with in your beliefs and values systems, but the one that frustrates me most often is the fact that as a girl, you ask me to give in to my brother, to get things for him when he has legs of his own, to help him do simple domestic tasks that anyone should be capable of doing for themselves at our ages. And I’m not the only one that notices that you do this. But I’m the one that is on the receiving end of this most often. And I hold resentment towards you for it. But I still love you. I really do. You just sometimes frustrate me to the point of crying.

[disornrnsldfm]

12/2/2020 ramblings

God the more I think about it the more I feel like just dating women, like my brother’s teased me about it enough maybe I should make it true. Also like I don’t think I really experience sexual attraction, but I think i could see myself in a lesbian relationship. Tbh I could also see myself with a guy, but like I almost just wanna be with a woman more. Is it alright to convince myself into dating one gender over another? Bc I don’t really have a preference sexually, I’m like 80% sure I’m asexual, or at the very least like a grey-ace. And then romantic attraction, I think that I’m aromantic, but that I could almost like develop a romantic attraction to someone if I wanted to? Idk, romantic attraction is weird. Is it even possible to will yourself into loving someone romantically? I know I can love people in general, bc I love my family, but like idk. Or is romantic attraction like even real? Bc for me, I go back and forth, like I can get to know a person and see myself continuing down a path where I have a relationship with them for the rest of my life, but like I can also do that envisioning thing with other things, like my future in general, my career, my path as a student, and my path as a person in general. Like, I can envision how I’d make any goal happen, if only I willed it to, and followed through, but it’s almost like I chose not to, bc of one reason or another, or bc it isnt a practical path for me. Idk, it feels like the path I’ve chosen for myself is one of moderate aim, and it is well within reach with a decent amount of effort, but it isnt like reaching for the moon or anything.

[disornrnsldfm]

I think I’m gonna block them. I’m highly considering it. The problem is they got an account exclusively to follow me on here, and I’m like 99% sure I’m still the only one they follow, so it’ll be super obvious the second they open the app I’m sure.

But I’m also afraid that they’ll just get a new account and do it again, so if I do it I gotta first change my username, which means first coming up with a username, which is made harder by the fact that I cannot reuse a name I use on other sites. So that’s step 1.

Plus, this specific friend does not share my political beliefs (cough cough trump supporter for reasons other than the extremist ones cough cough republican cough cough) to the extent that it makes me uncomfy to discuss politics around them, and also this particular friend can be a bit assholey sometimes, so you know, I don’t really like them in this place that I don’t hold back as much. Actually since they’ve followed me on here, I’ve very much hesitated more when I post things. It’s also bc of other people who’ve found me on here from irl, but the others not nearly as much so, and also they’re less assholey.

Recently people I know irl have found me on here, on my other blog that’s my actual blog and one of them exposed me to a large group and I died I died and my face was red and I feel like my closet was looked inside, my garbage rummaged through and my dirty laundry was inspected.

God did not take pity on me and smite me down, as I am still here to type this out.

[disornrnsldfm]

An essay on marriage, gender, and my feelings on the subject

Fuck my thoughts on marriage/relationships swing from like wanting absolutely nothing to do with it to longing for it and back in like 5 seconds flat

Like, sometimes there’s just this gentle idea of two people just,, being there,, together. Being there for each other. Someone you know you can count on, to spend time with for the rest of your life. And yeah you can have that without marriage, and yeah friendships are important and valid too but having one person there for you for all the ups and downs, enjoying life’s simple pleasures together seems nice.

But then I’ll think about like having one person around you all the time seems exhausting, like needing to tell someone where you’re going before you go somewhere (or at least when you decide to go somewhere) because they’ll be worried about you seems so stifling if I want to freaking take off down the road for a sudden road trip I can’t just do that if I have a partner like that, or a relationship, a marriage. I couldn’t hop on a plane on a whim with just my purse, a jacket, and my passport if I were in a stable relationship. I’d have to coordinate with someone, telling them my plans in advance, have to accommodate their stuff in my life. I couldn’t just decide to get up and go on a walk at 3am without telling the partner, bc it’d be inconsiderate of the other person in my life that I had made a commitment to.

And then I think about like the trope of a contractual marriage, or a marriage out of practicality instead of love and that kinda interests me in that it’d be based on a different kind of relationship from the start,, like you do your think ill do my thing and when we’re together we’re together. I feel like a relationship that is less restricting than the traditional one thought of when you think of marriage might be ok, like because this is for reasons other than pure love and affection for each other there wouldn’t be as much obligation to do the things that I feel would make me feel stifled or controlled or restricted. But would that kind of relationship be worth it to me in the first place? Would there be any emotional support or emotional reasoning at all for that kind of relationship? Bc like I said, the thing that kinda makes me want a relationship or marriage is the allure of having a constant, having that shared domestic bliss stuff I already talked about.

And then there’s the societal thing to consider, like do I really want a marriage or a relationship or am I just brainwashed by the heteronormative, monogamous  nature of our society, so I really want romantic love or do I just like the idea of it? And if I did decide I wanna do marriage, I know that if I marry a guy, I’m just reinforcing the heteronormative patriarchal narrative, like I’d wanna be on equal footing with whoever my partner may be, but are there truly any guys out there who really don’t consider women to be less than men? Are there men that exist that have not been, even down to the subconsious level, affected by the patriarchal views and norms of society? Would there be a guy that would view me as a true equal, rather than someone inferior? Even if there’s a guy unaffected though, society as a whole would never see us as true equals, like even if I’m assertive and confident, he would always be viewed as the man of the household, the leader in the relationship to society at large. Like, even in media, fiction, etc the relationships between a man and a woman always have a balance of power that favors the dude. Like, even if the woman appears to be on equal footing, the way the actions are framed, the dialog, the narrative, it always ends up favoring the dude. The dude always has control. Like she might be able to turn his head but when it comes down to it, she is the one that capitulates, that is subservient, that acquiesces to him. And that is squicky for me. The whole concept of marriage is a bit squicky for me because of the power dynamics intrinsically tied to marriage, especially between a man and a woman. (side note, I think this is a big part of why I read gay shit more than straight shit)

The way to somewhat avoid this would be to go the other way, get into a relationship with a lady or non-binary or genderfluid person, but am I really confident that I’d be able to face my family with a partner that isn’t a straight man? Like, in my life there are so many things I do to keep the peace in my family, to not rock the boat, to not be weird, to not be an outcast. There are so many choices I make that I make in the vein of going along to get along. I hold my tongue, I make a different choice, I say something else, all because it is so much easier to do so. In my immediate family, there is no one who has come forth, or has even slightly hinted at, being LGBTQ+. Even in my extended family, there’s only 1 other person I know of that is confirmed to be not straight, and she isn’t out either, for probably similar reasons. Like, I can pass as straight for now, but could I ever become brave enough or willful enough to make a choice that isn’t the path of least resistance?

There’s always the option of just living with people, being a family without marriage. I almost feel like marriage is the thing itself that establishes that inequality, like once you say I do with a guy, that’s it, you are never again seen as a truly independent, equal human being. So avoid it, just cohabitate with people. If you never make it official then you never make yourself permanently less than, you still can maintain that slippery slope of being seen as an equal human being. Because if you aren’t tying the not, then they never truly hold that power over you. But still when I think of the idea of having someone to report back to, to consistently communicate with, to accommodate, I get this stifled repressed feeling, like I’d almost rather die alone than have to be tethered to someone like that.

And sometimes the idea of being alone, independent, no kids, no partner, just me, my life, my desires, my freedom, my travels sounds amazing. I’d be free for the rest of my life, only choosing to return to my family when I want to return to my family, only choosing to be around people I truly want to be around. And it’s not like there aren’t other important relationships in my life. Like, a good half of my relatives I do enjoy being around, and I have friends that are important to me. I’m already an aunt (I have some pretty awesome niblings) and I could probably be an adoptive godmother to someone for the children thing. I’m not even really sure I want kids, like that’s a lot to handle. Plus I wouldn't wanna fuck them up with my own fucked up stuff, or subject them to the half of my relatives that I’m not such a huge fan of. But if I did need kids I could adopt. Or hell, just get the kid and skip the sex via a sperm donor. Or foster kids. Or just fucking babysit other people’s kids for a couple of days, that might cure that desire. Or get an animal. Animals are great too.

But then I think of domestic bliss?, but then I think of being stifled, then I think but marriage/relationships?, then I think but w/guys the perma inequality, but what about a not straight relationship? then i think but the fear and panic and unease of doing not straight bc my family

And then sometimes, I just wish I had been born as a guy, never having to worry if I’d be seen as an equal to my partner. Sometimes I feel like it’d be easy to just chop of the boobs and move on with my life. Maybe then I would feel less stressed about it all. Or maybe I should make like the historic not-straights and just live with “a good friend” for the rest of my days. Or maybe just die alone after a long, fulfilling life of just doing my own thing.

#long #longpost #marriage #gender #idk #rant #this is basically a diary

[disornrnsldfm]

Reason #237 I don’t think I ever wanna get married:

I just heard one 30 something year old dude say that he needed to get neutered, because if he is ever cheated on his very pregnant wife, he thought the conversation would end a lot better if it didn’t end with “and she’s pregnant.” And then he followed it up with, I don’t think it would ever happen, but I can be pretty stupid

[disornrnsldfm]

I’ve been watching videos of protests on twitter and TikTok, of some protesting peacefully and others not so peacefully. I’ve been seeing police that can walk hand in hand with protestors, one video even showed a protestor dancing with an officer, but most of the police I see in videos are spraying mace, throwing tear gas, using their batons, and overall inciting violence.

I’m the videos I heard chants of “No justice no peace,” a longer version that said “no justice no peace, prosecute the police,” a repeated chant of just the name “George Floyd,” over and over again, and a call and response chant of “Hands up” “Don’t shoot.”

There were videos with the aftermath of looting, and others where protestors were preventing looters from entering and ransacking a target, there was even a video of a person, all Instagram ready and most likely an influencer/aspiring influencer taking a pic for clout. There was a black person on his knees and as the police approached, a white person got on their knees and stretched their arms out in front of his, trying to use their privilege to protect.

There were videos that sent a message of hope and others that made me feel despair.

These videos have filled me with mixed emotions, so much so that I’m crying right now. I’m crying with the inspiration and hope and optimism that I get from these people who are standing up for George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and for all the others who were wrongfully killed, who have been wrongfully convicted, who have been victims of police brutality, and for the whole Black Lives Matter movement. But I’m also crying out of anger, frustration, and sadness that it has taken so long, that the police are still inciting violence at protests, that the media is not covering the protests fairly, that the protestors are facing such violence from police even now.

[disornrnsldfm]

Recently people I know irl have found me on here, on my other blog that's my actual blog and one of them exposed me to a large group and I died I died and my face was red and I feel like my closet was looked inside, my garbage rummaged through and my dirty laundry was inspected.

God did not take pity on me and smite me down, as I am still here to type this out.

#And after all that #the person who exposed me #they FUCKING FOLLOWED ME #I didn't want them here #I can't even #they're judging me I know it #ahhh the agony #the embarassment #the cringe #the horror #Gahhhhh #this hurts #they didn't mean to make me feel this way #but they did #this all happened bc I asked another friend why they had followed me/how they found me in front of the other friend who exposed me #and then it all went down

[disornrnsldfm]

It’s after midnight and I have 2 exams tomorrow, one in bio and one in chem, and I’m not ready for either.

I’ve also gotta grade papers and have my stuff packed because spring break and I’m leaving for home tomorrow night, but I have like zero clean clothing and I have yet to tough the papers I need to grade and bc coronavirus I need to pack extra carefully in case we don’t go back after spring break and ughhh

[disornrnsldfm]

Ok cool, I think we got through that ok. He said he mostly wanted to be closer, to which I replied with I’m cool with being close friends, but not in a relationship(ie boyfriend and girlfriend),and also that I’m aroace (which Idk if he knows what that means but it’s what fits me best for now) to which he said essentially, cool sounds good.

Idk if it’ll be awkward the next time we hang out, but I really hope not. Fingers crossed.

[disornrnsldfm]

Damn it, right after I posted that last one he texted me and asked me out.

[disornrnsldfm]

How do I tell if a guys wants to be my friend or wants to date me??

I don’t mind being friends with this dude, in fact I enjoy hanging out with him, but I also don’t want him to get the wrong idea. I don’t want to turn him down, but I also need to not have plans this often. Is what we’re doing going on dates? Because I don’t wanna be in a relationship with him, and I don’t wanna have to eventually turn him down if he asks me out.

Also, I am socially exhausted. How do people have friends and do stuff like every night? Or even like every weekend? I need alone time, I need space, I need quiet. Do other people not need these things? Or am I just really introverted, more so than most people?

[disornrnsldfm]

Random thoughts blog

Am I asexual/aromantic or do I just really not like the idea of the power imbalance that comes with (in my mind) a heterosexual relationship? Am I bi? Am I lesbian?

Am I feeling a squish for my they/them friend or do I feel attraction, be it sexual or romantic or idek?

What does it mean that I read smutty stuff? Does this just mean I have a libido or that I do feel sexual attraction or does it mean nothing?

I don’t think that I see most people as attractive, except for people generally accepted as attractive, or celebrities or people that just kinda have a certain feeling they give off. Is this a sign of a lack of sexual attraction? That’s what I think it is, and that’s why I’m currently identifying (not out and proud though) to myself as aroace, since I also don’t think I ever really crush on anyone. (Except maybe the they/them friend I mentioned earlier? Idk).

Also, I think that sometimes I wish I had been born a dude, but I feel like that’s because I really don’t like it when I read about/hear about people wondering if a girl was “asking for it” if she wore “inappropriate” clothing and then was harassed or raped, and just the general frustration with the world and the patriarchy.

Sometimes I have wanted to try binding, like some days I really feel like I like my boobs or want bigger boobs, then others I wish I didn’t have any at all, or that my face looked more androgynous or maybe masculine.

Above all, I haven’t really explained any of these feelings/thoughts to anyone at all, online or irl, so this is kinda me doing that and also creating a space where I can vent my frustrations, share my good news, or simple express my thoughts/feelings.

#ace #questions #what does this mean #thoughts #gender #identity #expression #randomblog #randomthoughts #sideblog #venting #ventingtothevoid