So this Tumblr has largely been a place for me to get out particular issues relating to a relationship which is now and has been for a long time ded.
After it all, I wondered where too from here. In all honest that relationship was an escape from experiences I had within my family unit. It was a symptom of an ongoing toxicity that I lived amongst and dealt with in weird and generally unhealthy ways. We all grow and develop and usually move away from those issues if we experience them because every one has their shit, but it doesn’t mean we need to be a fucking dung beetle. I am and will be no exception, I have spent the last 7-8 years busting my ass amongst obscurity and fear to ensure that my life is something else. Occasionally I would get in over my head, but the end goal always remained the same. That end goal has been what stopped me from loosing it and this moment will be the same.
Things are considerably different to how they have been since 2013, and I am considerably different. That is the only outcome when you’ve watched yourself burn alive over and over and do not wish to do the same thing again. You grow, you adapt; determination, ferocity and will sometimes over inflate you but they also sustain you when need be. This post has no real point other then to stop me from externally screaming and creating a problem that the viper has hand crafted to make me do just that.
Okay lady, you don’t like my distaste at you rejecting and abandoning your depressed mother who as a survivor of cancer doesn’t want to hear that neuropathy and life of invisible restrictions in her late 80′s is the best she can hope for. That is your choice. But I will no longer fall into the trap of going against your tide, only to be viewed as the problem, or going with it with a fake smile.
I have chosen to disengage. However I don’t need to abandon you either. I’ll continue to do what enrages you, which is all that you cant or wont. I don’t pity you, I cant knowing who you really are. After experiencing first hand your excitement over stepping on and over those most vulnerable and in need of your support. I just refuse to be affected by or the scapegoat for your defective nature. Yes I see you in me, its impossible not to, however I am not you, just the product of a design with some extra.
You killed the child that wanted so desperately for you to love them despite your cruelty, when at my lowest point you told me my being raped was my own fault and you wanted me to kill myself. What evolved from that place and all the attempts to trigger my PTSD was something you couldn’t fathom. A beast of both love and fire. Hard times creates hard people; but fractures heal often stronger then before. I hope some day, whilst it wont be off my back, your ego is fed enough for you to heal and love yourself they way I have had to learn to.
You cannot be satiated or fulfilled from the outside in. I know your pains, but they are not mine to carry. It is time, at the age of 61, for you to grow up and realize you are a person of your own, you aren’t simply part of a twinship, your identity is not reliant on your role as a wife and a mother. You are a culmination of all of that and more. You are an individual person built of your own experiences and choices and if that is not enough, or you don’t like who you are as a single unit, fix that within yourself.
I have a lot to thank you for both amazing and terrible. I recognise that and your humanity, meaning none are perfect. It is however time for you to stand on your own, with all the fortune and privileges that you have been afforded, surely you can. If not I accept that but you are not my responsibility nor have you ever been. Not yet anyway. Perhaps when you are in the position of your mother where you require the love and support you deny others. Maybe it will be as conditional as that which you afford others, probably not though. As I have written I am not you. Just a likeness.
Now that the rage and upset that was triggered in me from the moment I woke up under the product of a series of unnecessary damage control texts to the rest of the family. Or the triangulated frustration expressed by my father as he most likely experienced your disdain and rage throughout the night. Nor my own fear that almost had me reverting to old habits to self-soothe and protect myself. I sit after writing this cooler, like I may pass out but that too will also dissipate, relatively okay.
I am still standing and I choose to love and not fall. I am okay. So thanks brain, and my unread Tumblr that has existed for me to express the shit I cant bring my hand to scribble out in my private journal. Thanks to the place where I can express the bs, that if I spoke out loud would negatively affect me in two ways; first I would have fallen into the trap of being the problem, and second would create an uncomfortable divide within the household.
Some sketches that I made yesterday, I wanted to experiment with the expressions of my child
Ledge of life
So many things in our paths are daunting.
If you are at all touched by the softness of light guiding you,
The result will always be bliss
#expression #words #stories #sharing #lifesledge #ledgeoflife
SixTONES - Name that tune!!!!!! ⭕️_(^-^ )? Shintaro
And doodled some calligraphy on Paint too. I think therefore I am. Or is it that I am therefore I think? I must be. I must be.
And then there is this pic of a water tower that I am proud of.
How so is it?
Thee seek that peeks upon ye,Then Old English might define,I will feed you with such a riddle,But might ye to me, how so is it?We feed that thoughts define us,Then go out and be at ease, oh,Such is a prayer in the heart,Such hope, but thee, well.
© Ismael Mansoor
You Want Control
But I have none
Like the setting sun
I’m destined to fall
To be surpassed
By the darkened rays
To roll away
To be gone
Beneath the blackness above
The skies are shadowed
Within my soul
Within my heart
Where is control
When all is stark
All is cold
Lost between the folds
Nothing to see
As the fall deepens unseen
Nothing to see
— L8p —
The great sea
frees me, moves me,
as a strong river carries a weed.
Earth and her strong winds
move me, take me away,
and my soul is swept up in joy.
- Uvavnuk, The great sea… (trans. Jane Hirshfield)
i can barely continue resisting
i’m almost sick of my cussing, my hissing
i’m almost willing to surrender
to forget what i know, to remember
the way that i want to feel
never mind the ways i am hindered
maybe i’ll let go of my madness, my sadness
maybe i should cool my temper
i’m almost ready to release
to exhale this smoke in peace
the world around me is a flame itself
a big fire to feed
my palms burn and bleed reminding me that a fire is nothing to hold
i hide behind the intense glare and the shadow-like smoke
it cannot be controlled
it’s almost time to let this fire die out
as i attempt to extinguish it, i hear flames cackle and cry out asking for a chance to be sustained
i empathize, i see parts of me in these flames and i know that anything can die and be changed
there is so much of me
within this body, i cannot be contained
so i won’t miss the parts that burn away and become grey
it’s almost time to breathe
to let shit go, as if it were leaves and i
am a tree
i know i’ll replenish, i’ll be plentiful
i’m waiting for the next moment i’m free and i’ll hold the feeling as long as i can
before it escapes me as freedom does
it cannot be controlled
[MOFATEOAGD C5 guidance on a phase of the construct of the semblance of relatedness]
In my understanding, I would imagine.Is that the Universe is like a being.Because we are in it like cells in the body,Well, I have to explain a little further.If the picture talks about you, I see your body.If the picture talks about your brain, I see a brain.If the picture talks about your heart, I see a heart.If the picture talks about your inside heart, I see a name.If the picture talks about…
Saying like, here I am
Behold, a mountain shows us,How tall or short,How big or small,But thee goest to see it,Then we will discuss climbing,Like a ladder, a rope, whatever it posses,For the climbing, but thee, well,Get up, and be off to the activity,Saying like, here I am.
© Ismael Mansoor
Nothing brings objective joy.
What do i title these..if i get up into the hundreds im not going to type “three hundred and forty fifth entry”.. Idk i dont have any capacity to think about that right now due to the fact that:
I have zero attention span today, which isnt an uncommon thing but there are better days than others, and today is not one of those.
I have a friend visiting tomorrow, shes staying for a couple of days. I have been working on cleaning up my apartment because it was a disaster. I halted the unpacking/putting away process like a month ago. But i let things go and i really didn’t want that to be her impression of my new place.
I have hoarding tendencies, so i have “rat piles” all over the place. And the issue with putting them away is that i have such a hard time staying on task, that when i grab something from a rat pile to put away, on my path to do so i run into more rat piles, so i stop and whatever came with me lands there, in exchange for the new thing that needs put away BEFORE the other thing…because priorities? Rinse and repeat.
But whenever i get so frusterated with the piles or things on the floor that i go into clean drive, and i move everything in the house. SO it looks better in here but now my mental capacity is used up, and i still have things to do.
One would say: I am out of spoons.
But my spoons take days to come out of the dishwasher, and in the meantime i am eating with my fingers making my situation worse.
I have to get groceries together for food this weekend, and some things i needed to get in order for my friend to stay.
Uh like shower curtain rings for the guest bathroom…woops
While ive been prioritizing custodial tasks and making sure my place is hospitible, ive been delaying the things that i have been inspired or motivated to do..and then i am exhausted and just vegetate to youtube the remainder of the night.
But since i delay those things i am inspired to do, when i scroll through instagram, and see others doing the things i want to do, i get upset with myself because i am not improving when i am not practicing. Or i get ready to start doing something completely unrelated to any of the chores i *need* to do…catch myself in my distraction..put down whatever it was and then get upset again. Like what?
If none of this makes any sense then thats fine because it wasnt meant to. If it does make sense and you can relate then wowoahwee how do you manage..
Wow i just hit ctrl a by mistake and came so close to erasing everything i just spewed out that my butt puckered..
I need someone to come up to me and tell me that i have accomplished many a thing this week, and that my efforts arent unnoticed, and that i am over reacting about my company this weekend and my preparedness to accommodate to her…I just want to play video games.
Ive managed to become so attached to virtual entertainment that i wish i could play multiple video games at a time, or i will have two youtube videos up at a time. How unhealthy is this? At some point i imagine there is such a thing as over stimulation and then just never finding enjoyment in any one thing because its just not enough. I’m sure i am not the only person who wears their headset for a discord call with an airpod or similar wireless earbud underneath inside their ear with a youtube video or something.
Is this entirely too long? lords below…no one is going to read this entire thing, altho i guess i am mostly talking to myself.
I got a like from a tumblr bot named after cheese..hype
Several smaller posts….maybe..
ok i’m done for now