elbertoko
the sleepy head
wake me up when it's all over
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It's my 13th year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳
OMG i'm on my 13th year on tumblr. Thank you for being my consistent place of everything i can think of lol
To more years to come, though the more i mature, the more my words are refined and less. haha. Took me a long time to be in this state, but I'm getting there.
Thank you for the 13 years.
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I found a new platform that lets me blog and send my posts directly to your inbox! If you're still reading blogs from random people like me doing random stuff and keen on replying with your thoughts out loud, let's have a good long conversation and subscribe with your email at elbert.beehiiv.com
Please???
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Alright, let's talk about mental health
youtube
I have been following Benedict Cua for years and I have always loved and appreciated his funny content. He talks very openly about his thoughts and journey. He is a ray of sunshine. It feels like he is the kind of friend you could open up to and get close to.
In his recent vlog post, he opened up about his mental health struggles; how he is going through one of the most difficult times of his life; and how he is slowly trying to get everything together day after day.
In his video, he acknowledges that he is not okay and that he needed help. He seeks help from a professional and currently on medication in order to balance out the chemicals inside his body and make him feel a little bit better.
I relate very much with Ben in this chapter of his life.
There was a point in my life where everything became too much to bear. It had been a few years ago when I was caught up with everything all at once — a failing relationship, deteriorating health, existential crisis — and everything went on a downward spiral.
My brain was too consumed with all the failures and the bad things that happened to me I couldn't keep up. I was not built on a strong foundation because I was made of happiness, romance, adventure, fairies, butterflies, and all the nice things this world can ever have. I created this made-up happy world where everything happy was possible. It was my world after all until I was faced with waves of failures and frustrations all at the same time, rocking my very foundation to destruction. I didn't know how to react. If anything, i reacted so badly; uncalculated; every action was from the gut.
My head was so heavy, and my heart was pulsating like it was about to burst out of my chest. I didn't know what to do and I had too much of everything so I dropped everything down: work, friends, family, comfort. I was left with nothing at that moment. I decided to walk away from everything I knew was beautiful and took on a long journey to discover things, places, and people I never knew existed.
It was not easy to be in a bad place mentally and physically. There was no way to know if I was ever going to be okay again. There was no way to prove that this was going to work and make me feel better. All I knew was I felt I needed to go away from everything.
In my travels, I got to think a lot about everything. I was able to tap into my subconscious and have a clear understanding of why I was the way I was. I could say I learned more about myself. The thoughts were mostly transformed into late-night deep cries, regrets, and frustrations.
I cried so hard like I had never cried before. The kind of cry that you just want other people to be there to hug you and make you feel all right because you couldn't take it anymore.
It felt so heavy inside that I could feel the pain literally in my heart. It's like my heart was aching so bad but I can't touch it and do anything about it. I just had to hold my chest so hard to make the pain go away. It also felt like a stone struck my throat was about to come out. But nothing came out. Just my silent cries for help inside the covered bunk beds in the hostels of the different places I had been.
There were nights when I didn't cry, but I couldn't sleep because when I was about to, my heart turned into full pumping mode. I would then have a hard time breathing. I would catch up with the heart that went ballistic. I became so anxious about a lot of things. Anxiety turned into panic attacks in the middle of the night. It was very very scary. Alone, away from home.
When I felt a little bit better coming back home, the pandemic happened. Everyone was restricted from going around. Social gatherings were cut and we were now forced to be on our own devices. It shook me again, mentally, but quite a bit mild this time. I stopped talking to friends and just turned to my phone to play for endless hours. I slept, ate, play, repeat.
I had this habit of not telling friends what I felt, especially the bad things that happened to me and how I felt about them. I didn't want to burden them with the bad things in my life.
It didn't quite sit well on me. Those emotions bottled up and I didnt know what to do about them.
But I continuously pushed through. Lived.
There were so many instances that I wanted to ask for help; that I wanted to just talk about me to someone who knows how to direct my emotions properly, but it just didn't happen for so many reasons. I think I'm still a little bit afraid to face my own demons and have someone to properly sit down and talk about them.
But for a lot of reasons I felt a bit better every day. I think what is helping me is the thought that my family and friends have been there to support me in all aspects of my life. When I was living at the worst time in my life, my family came together to help me get through it. I could not do anything more than let them see that I am getting better.
I want to get better.
I still have moments here and there, but I just have to remind myself that I am not alone. Not anymore. I now breathe the air with the people I know who would give me the strength to go on.
Life is not a period. It is a semicolon; it consists of a pause; a series of events; it neither stops nor disappears; it remains to exist especially when it has something to live for: we are something we live for.
To love ourselves and live for it; such a great thing to do in life.
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Is love now dead?
Today is February 13th, a Monday. If you are a hopeless romantic who had been longing for romantic love and relationship for a long time, and still don’t have anyone to date tomorrow, then you must have been extra dreadful considering that today’s a Monday, and you’re still zero in the love game.
But I guess having no date for tomorrow is not something big of a deal anymore. Lately, there has been a decline in people celebrating Valentine's day. YouGov America published an article last year stating that more than half of adult Americans don’t think that Valentine's Day is a special occasion. According to the survey, it has dipped in popularity compared to other holidays because of people’s previous disappointing experiences on Valentine’s day. If Americans are not happy with their previous experiences, then what more of Filipinos who get all the meager things in life?
But does that mean that love is not in the air anymore?
Not entirely, but it seems likely that people — especially the millennial generation — want to take things slow. Not only are love and relationship slower with them, but they are also deliberately not having sex compared to the previous generation.
According to the New York Times article, “digital saturation has made millennials more socially isolated, restless, and entitled, which could explain why they are having less sex.” While this article was published months before the pandemic, I think more than anything, it holds true to this day. Millenials are even more ‘isolated, restless, and entitled’ after having been forced to follow quarantine protocols and left with only social media and dating apps to fondle with. And we very well know how important sex contributes to healthy relationships.
In other words, dating has become more complicated as people indulge in more short and quick media and platforms. It has tweaked their innate ability to make a simple conversation and understand the other person because they always tend to lean on the bad side of things.
A writer on Medium, a social publishing platform, enumerated ‘reasons why dating as a millennial is so screwed up’. She wrote that one of the reasons why dating millennials is so screwed up is because they think that seeing photos of lovely couples is proof of love. People tend to associate perfect relationships with how good and fun they seemingly looked on social media when in fact, it does not in any way tell the complete story behind what people see on the platforms. It merely shows smiley faces and happy places while hiding the sad truths and the ugly fights.
All those things and experiences considered, I think love is not dead. It can’t be because love is everywhere. Love can be found in friends, family, partners, communities, and other people. People may have just found different kinds of love today. They have been more aware of what they want. It has become crystal clear that they prefer a specific kind of love over the romantic one.
A CNN article noted that “if you look around, you’ll quickly see that the yearning for love and romance is manifesting itself in different ways these days.” Whether it be from tv shows, books, stories, or songs — if not from people — love certainly can be found in mysterious places and things.
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Sunday is officially over for me
I'm so done for today. I just spent the entire morning kneading and baking bread. I am so tired. I know nobody told me to do this, but the craving of baking a very cheesy bread is too much to ignore. So I put on my chef's hat (not literally), rolled the sleeves of my sweater, and turned on the electric oven to preheat.
I realized a few things:
1. I don't think baking bread is something ideal for me to do because;
2. I don't have the biceps for kneading the dough for a long period of time;
3. I may need a baking buddy who does all the leg (hand) work.
But given the circumstances, the bread turned out to be good: crusty on the outside, cheesy on the inside! It's parental approved 👌No other opinion matters. The picky parental said it was a good bread. I just hoped i kneaded it enough. But whatever, it's still okay idk.
Heres what it looks like:
And here's what I look like:
Okay, bye. I'm gonna take a nap. Wake me up after valentines.
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