frog-with-socks

[frog-with-socks]

A family in quarantine

I'm upset. And I've been trying to figure out my feelings ever since day one. I've made so many speculations on why I feel like this, just trying to give it a meaning. And I'm having a hard time. Is it my fault? Is it the people around me?

Unlike any other situation my first thought is to blame the people around me. And I know it's because they are my family, I feel differently about them. They are the only people I don't feel anxiety over. Maybe I take them forgranted.

So what I've been feeling is frustration and anger. Which never happens to me. Never happens to feel these things towards someone besides me. But I can't express them. I never talk to my family about my negative feelings. And I never talk to anyone about the negative feelings I have towards them. And I feel defeated. I have all of this hate built inside me and I pretend it doesn't exist.

Why are they acting like that? It feels like they're slowly ripping me apart. It all started with me needing some space, I think. My grandma is staying in my room and she just comes and starts talking to me. I didn't want it. I don't want it. I have times of the day when I do want to talk to her. But I have times of the day when I need my space. And she's invading it. And I'm not saying anything. Why? I didn't want to upset her. I knew she's having a hard time in quarantine as well. She really wants to go back to her home but it would be very risky. So I felt like if I upset her she'd get her things and go unanounced. So I kept my mouth shut. Unable to escape it. I just let her talk, staying silent, having the frustration building up.

My mom and dad were still going to work. But when they'd come back would be the hardest times. My mom, as awlays, would just ramble on to whoever she could. She talks too much. She talks about things I don't really care about. She doesn't stop. She doesn't let me talk. And I stand there like a good puppy pretending to listen. Because my dad would tell her he didn't want to listen I thought I'd give it a try, actually try to listen to her, to engage in conversation. And she seemed excited about it, she liked it. But it was so exausting for me. Hearing her ramble on and trying to actually listen, asking questions, giving advice. I can't go through more than a few minutes of conversation. I thought she might be feeling upset about everyone in the house not wanting to listen to her stuff, critisizing her, especially dad, tho she never showed it, she only mentioned it to me once that she recognizes it.

But that wasn't too unusual from the day to day life. What upset me even more is dad rambling on as well. It happens to have him ramble sometimes, if you ask him a question he's passionate about. But he's been talking to me without me asking anything now. I don't want to engage in conversation!!!!! I want to go in the kitchen for ten minutes and have dinner.

That's when things crossed the line. I thought "Why is everyone wanting to talk to me? I don't want conversation!" But of course I didn't tell anyone how I'm feeling because I didn't want to upset them. So I'd sit through everything people were talking to me about without saying anything, trying to give a hint that I don't want to be there. I'd pretend that I hadn't heard what my grandma said when she asks me a question, make weird faces, get out of the room when the other person isn't finished talking, looking at my phone while people are talking to me. I couldn't pretend I cared anymore.

My sister is the only person I'd be okay with talking ti most of the time. She didn't ramble on about things I didn't care. We actually have similar topics of interest that we talk about. I'd say I see her the least out of everyone but when I do it's okay, we talk, it's nice. The only thing that's annoying me is when she sees someone is upset she's being overly positive, but she's still young, she probably doesn't know how to handle the situation.

But it wasn't just the conversation. The longer the quarantine is, the more time I spend with these people. And I already have the attitude that I don't want to be with them. So the things I don't like in how they're acting or how they're treating me get amplified. And I can't escape it and I'm even more frustrated.

Every day I see more and more how my grandma is trying to control me. Tho she doesn't see it that way. It's been going on for so long it almost feels traumatic. She's trying to get me to do what SHE tinks is good. Pointing out that I went to bed late the next day, not even making a negative comment about it anymore. It's triggering now. Every time she wakes up at night when I haven't gone to bed yet and she checks the time, not even saying anything, maybe not even thinking anything of me, gets me angry. And maybe it's because I know I shouldn't be up so late, and it's an own battle as well, but her getting into this stuff just makes me so mad. Or the other day, I went out on the balcony for a bit cuz I couldn't stand it inside, as soon as she realized I'm outside she told me to go back inside because it was cold. Oh my god it made me so angry. I don't want her to tell me what to do, I don't want her to get involved in my personal business. And it's like even if other people point out when I've gone to bed without any intention of judgement I feel judged. And I get angry.

But my mom is making me more angry than anyone else. It feels like she's stiring up all the arguments in the family. She's constantly arguing with dad and grandma for no reason. And outside she's being this calm friendly person. It feels like she's taking out all of her built up frustration on her family. She's raising her voice on me for no reason. So I'm doing the same. Or maybe she isn't. Every time I feel attacked by someone and I snap back they say it wasn't an attack. And I'm like "yea right". But is it? Do I just feel attacked by everything at this point?

I can't stand listening to their voices anymore. I can't stand listening to their footsteps, their presence. I want to run away. I don't have personal space in here. I can't hide. Not in my room, not in the bathroom, not on the balconly. The only time I feel like I kind of have my space is during the night when everyone is asleep. I wish the night was longer. I wish I could stay up all night and sleep during the day. I want to get my frustration out on something. But there's nothing. The thoughts of self harm are back. Good thing they're only thoughts for now.

I feel like I can't talk about this to any of my friends because I feel like I'd annoy them. I have so much to say. But who would want to listen to it? Or maybe I feel that way because that's how I feel with the others around me. So I keep everyhting inside. And that's why I wrote it here. I feel like I'm at my breaking point. I want to cry but I don't have a place to hide and do it. I can't cry.

I thought that by writing this I'd figure out my thoughts at least and find some kind of solution. But I didn't. At least I got my thoughts out. Seems like this whole time I've been ignoring the one biggest rule: Communication is key. And it's time to stop ignoring it. I'll try to apply it. That's the only reasonable solution I can think of. I've been ignoring it cuz I don't want to talk to my family about these things. But if it makes the pain go away then I have to.

I had so many more things to say but they got lost in all my thoughts. I got tired of writing now and I don't feel like checking for mistakes. So here are my raw thoughts. And I hope this helped me.

#diary #journal #dear diary #journal entry #diary entry #thoughts

[frog-with-socks]

A confession

Yea it's rant time. What happened? I just confessed to him that I want something more than friendship. He wasn't on the same page. He didn't want more than friendship. And now I'm crying.

And now I want to beat myself down for it. Why did I think it could work? Why did I catch feelings for him? It would've been easier if I hadn't. It wouldn't have hurted so much.

Wow look at me, I'm a teenager and I'm hurting because some guy doesn't wanna be with me. My life is so hard.

You think so? How will you go on with your life if you can't get over one guy? Oh you're hurting so much? How would you feel if someone you love died? How do you feel about all the people in the world starving to death? Boo hoo my life is so hard.

Wow. Someone else's pain doesn't make mine any less valid. I promised myself I'll remember that.

Yes, I'm sad. Yes, I'm hurt.

It could've been worse. He said he does want to remain friends. I was scared about that.

I guess my coffee fortune was right. "Friends"

As much as I hate it.

I want to cry.

I want to die.

But not rignt now.

I want to gain experience from this.

I'll probably go through many more rejectioms and breakups.

I can't kill myself every time it happens.

Life has lows.

This is a low.

And I'll go through it.

And I'll cry about it.

And I'll be sad about it.

But I'll go forward.

I'll do my best to go on with only friendship feelings towards him. And I'll do my best to feel good. To make myself feel good. To not hate myself.

I don't hate myself. I had the courage to have the conversation with him. It had to happen at some point. And I did it. Now I can move forward.

Imagine life as it'll be without him as my partner.

Go study.

And graduate.

Go forward in life.

And think back on this moment. And how it helped me learn how to deal with sad times.

I guess I had my fun with it. I learned a lot from him. And he helped me alot to be able to talk about things I wasn't able to talk about before. So I'm glad this happened.

I'm glad all of this happened.

But now it's time to move on.

I'll cry about it. Untill I can't cry anymore.

Then I'll look forward

and I'll continue walking.

#diary #journal #diary entry #dear diary #journal entry #confession #thoughts #blog #personal #personal blog

[frog-with-socks]

I talked to him

I talked to the guy from reddit. I asked him if he still wants to talk to me, if he cares about me. I put all my anxiety on him. He was so nice to me. He was so supportive. Not one negative thing was said about me. He said he'd deffinetly want to keep me as a friend. And I cried. I cried so much. In my mind I was so sure our friendship would end then and there. And it was the complete opposite. Is my mind that twisted? Is my self image that negative?

Why am I like this?

My mind was going in so many directions but the truth. All negative ones about me. Do I not belive that someone could like me as a person? Is my self esteem that low? I thought I'd fixed that, I thought I was doing better. I mean I am doing better than before. At least now I don't belive that every single person I know hates me. I had accepted the fact that my friends actually care about me without them having to state it. I hadn't made a new close friend since I made that change. Untill now. And all the anxiety is back. And all the doubt is back. I'm so lucky that he's so understanding and so nice to me. I'm so lucky I have him as a friend. I'm so lucky he wants to be my friend. What did I do to deserve this? Apparently I did something right. This whole friendship thing is still a learning experience for me. I have so much more to learn about myself, about the people, about how they think, about how they express their feelings. I have so much more to learn about loving myself. I don't want to be like this my whole life. It hurts. It's exausting. And it's all in my head. It's all for nothing. I feel like I'm a hard person to deal with. At least when you're close to me. When I talk about my deppression period with my friend (talk about is an overstatement) she awlays says that period of time was so bad. Maybe I'm not for everyone. I mean no one can be liked by everyone, so I'm deffinetly not for everyone, which is something I have a hard time accepting. I can say I'm fine with people who I'm not emotionally attached to or not so close to disliking me, but when I start trully caring about someone that's when it gets scary. And I should be more durable to rejection. Cuz the last time that happened I almost killed myself. But I didn't. And I learned so much more after that. About myself. About my emotions. About people. About the world. And I met him. And I'm happy that I did.

As far as feelings for him go, I'm still trying to process the fact that someone (a guy) can like me as a person without liking me in a romantic way. But I think I'm adgusting well. And it's nice to have a close guy friend for once. Even if we don't get to talk face to face. Yes, thoughts about him as a romantic interest are still there, but they're not as much. But I feel lile they're more about an imaginary version of him in my head, rather than actually about him. Overall I can say I feel him a bit more like I feel my girl friends. And I'm not sure if I should talk to him and act around him like I do with my girl friends, like talk about girl stuff. This is still new to me, being close with a guy. Maybe I should talk to him about this as well. It'd be nice to know where the limits are so I don't cross them.

The other day I heard his voice for the first time. And I introduced him to two of my friends. We all played Minecraft together. It was so fun, I've been wanting to play it with my friends for such a long time now. Problem was I don't have a PC so I could only play it at my grandma's house. The other day I went to visit her and I didn't want to miss my chance. We eneded up playing for about three hours. It was crazy. I feel like this is a new step in our friendship. I introduced him to my friends. And they liked each other. They had fun. And so did I. The highs awlays come after the lows huh? For the longest time I was afraid of introducing him to any of my friends cuz I was scared that they could become closer to one another than to me. But it's a risk I'm willing to take. For their happiness' sake. A thought I've been having is "What if he finds a gf in one of my friends?" and I was probably scared by that cuz I had feelings for him myself. But it's time to flip the page. I'm ready for him to potentially be friends with my friends. And our relationship will get so much more complicated if this happens but hey, that's life. I don't wanna be a pussy anymore. So here I am. And I'm proud of myself for taking that step. The begining will be hard tho, I'll probably have to initiate some interractions cuz we're all socially awkward and I'm the only ome who knows everyone. I just hope it goes good and no one walks out feeling sad or hurt. I can't wait to be able to play with them again.

I have so much more to learn about relationships and about how my brain works. And this is a great learning experience. And I'm glad I got to share it with such an understanding person.

I too would want to keep you as a friend, reddit man.

#diary #dear diary #diary entry #journal #journal entry #personal #my diary #my journal #personal blog #thoughts #mental health #blog

[frog-with-socks]

The guy from reddit

So a bit of a backstory. I made a reddit account around the start of 2019. I had been wandering around it for a bit and I saw that there are subreddits where you can talk to and meet people. I decided to try it out cuz I wanted to practice and improve my social skills. I talked to quite a few people but after a month or so only one had stuck around. We've since been talking often and I'd say we've become friends. He's actually my first and only online friend atm.

So here's where the problem comes in. For the first three or so months we were talking everything was great. We had a lot of topics for discussion, we talked a lot, we got along great, we even shared some deep stuff with each other. But there was a point when I feel like we ran out of topics for discussion and our conversations weren't as "good" in my head. I worried a lot that the friendship isn't working out anymore, that I wasn't good at conversations and was failing, that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, just anxiety shit. I did ask him back then what he thinks about me and about our convos not being the same, cuz I didn't wanna leave my anxiety take over, I wanted to find out how things actually are. He said he really likes me as a person and he just thinks we ran out of topics to talk about but not to blame myself for it. I was very relived back then but that was just at the start of our convos going downhill.

We've been taking for about 5-6 months now. I constantly have anxiety about talking to him. I always feel like I'm gonna mess up. That being said I do care about him and I'd like to remain friends with him, I think he's a cool person. I'be been waiting for the time when I'll be familiar enough with him that I won't feel anxiety with him anymore like it usually happens with me. I'm kinda getting hopeless tho cuz it's been so much time since we started talking and anxiety is still here. I'm pretty sure it comes from the fact that I'm not sure what his feelings about me are, I can't tell myself "I know for a fact that this person cares about me and won't care if I mess up" like I do with my other friends, but idk what makes me unsure of this statement about him. Maybe we haven't been friends for long enough? Maybe he hasn't shown any clear signs of caring about me yet? Maybe it's because I can't see his face? I can't tell. There's times when I wonder why does he even text me? It doesn't make sense to me, I don't feel like I'm bringing him joy, which is what I think friendships should be about.

I probably had a crush on him at one point so there's that. (Sidenote: I'm not sure about my sexuality but I'm pretty sure I'm at least into boys, I know that much) Here's the thing, not only do I not talk to guys often, I've never had a guy friend as close as him. The way he talked to me and showed interest in me made me think he likes me, which made me like him (probably, my feelings are confusing). I asked him not only once, but twice if he does like me. He said no both times. The second time I knew it was time to back off. I was fine with that tho, I can't change how someone feels. I just needed about a month or two to get over my feelings for him and that was that. Or so I thought.

So we're back to present time now. I feel like I'm completely over him. We still talk often. I still feel anxiety about talking to him, tho it's not major. We were talking on sunday and the topic shifted to how he's lonely and wants a girlfriend. Now I'm in the same boat so I tried to relate to him, tell him I feel the same, yada yada. The only difference between us is that he has an ex and I don't. He was talking about how he wants to cuddle a girl, have someone to hold, and I was thinking "I'd hug you any day!", which he already knows cuz I've told him many times that I'm a person who loves hugs, and I'd hug him. He was talking about how he just wants a girl and all that and I was thinking "Well gosh darn I am one, aren't I?". I was trying to cheer him up, to make him feel better, cuz he was feeling really down about being lonely. I'd say I was getting kinda frustrated as well cuz he was standing by his point and he didn't seem like he wants to cheer up, and cuz I'm a girl right in front of him and he doesn't want me, which again is fine but I really wanted to make him feel good and wanted, which is usually how I feel about guys who feel lonely and unwanted. So at one point deep into the topic he said that the more he talks to me the more he feels it would be better to be a loner. Which is the exact opposite of what I was trying to do. I kinda didn't know what to say, I was crushed. I told him we can stop the topic if he wants to and he said that would be wonderful. And it crushed me even more. It would be wonderful for someone to stop talking to me. Do I suck that much? I said ttyl, he said yes and that was it. I was kind of speechless. My greatest worries came true. He didn't like talking to me, I was awful to talk to. I didn't help him through the hard times, I made him feel even worse. At least I'm grateful that he was honest with me, I really appreciate that. I'm not sure what to do from this point on tho. I can't move on like nothing happened, this had a big impact on me. I've left him text me whenever he feels like, I won't be texting him first after that. I'be been thinking and I think I want to ask him if he still wants to talk to me. This is a big question and it can end our friendship but I think it's worth taking the risk. I need to know. If he doesn't want to talk to me anymore than why bother him anymore. As I said I have asked him what he thinks of me but I think it would be good to ask again. I've been wanting to ask him many more times but I didn't wanna annoy him with my insecurity. And I'm hesitant on asking him again now for the same reason but I think it'll be good to know. I've gone through the scenario of him not wanting to be my friend anymore so many times in my head now I almost feel like I've accepted it already. I just really want to know what he feels. From my end, I care about him, I want him to feel good, but if I make him feel bad then I'm willing to get out of the picture.

Now I've written all of this and I'm thinking "He doesn't know any of it". Maybe I should tell him about the anxiety and everything. But I don't want to make him feel bad. Would him knowing this make him feel bad? Man, relationships are hard. We'll have to talk about hard topics anyway. I think all I need to know is if he cares about me like I do about him. And if he still wants to talk to me and if I bring him good feelings. I have to ask him. Communication is key. Always. I might (will definitely) cry a lot, I might end our friendship. But it's all a learning process. And I definitely learned a lot from this friendship so far. Life is tough sometimes, and I have to get used to it. Now the only thing left to do is to wait for him to text me.

#diary #online diary #journal #online journal #dear diary #personal #anxiety #social anxiety #diary entry #blog #personal blog

[frog-with-socks]

Introduction

Hi everyone! I made this tumblr blog with the intention to write my diary enteries here instead of in my private diary. Why? I'm not sure, but I think it'll be fun to share my mind with you people. The the point of having a diary for me is to talk about the things I can't with anyone else, or to take time to think about things troubling my mind. Writing down everything I'm thinking usually helps me go through hard times. I already have one notebook full of diary enteries from 2018, which is when I had major anxiety. I can say I'm doing way better for myself now and I don't find myslef needing to write diary enteries as often. I'll be writing my initial thoughts and feelings here so I'm not claiming that what I write is the right way to think, it's what I feel at the moment. I see the diary as a safe space where I can share everything so please be nice here, I'm not used to telling people these things. You're welcome to message me at any time, I'll be happy to reply.

So let me tell you a bit about myself. I'm currently 18 years old and it's my last year of highschool. I love art and I'm currently studying fine arts. I live with my parents and my younger sister. I'm battling social anxiety. I don't have many friends and I don't go outside often. English isn't my first language so expect a lot of spelling mistakes (feel free to correct me as well).

If you're still reading this wow, you deserve a medal. I hope you stick around to read my journey through figuring out life :)

#diary #diary entry #online diary #blog #personal blog #personal #journal