galunacycheckyourheadtour

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Letting the right one in Counselling - the good, the bad and the ugly

Counselling, has many different connotations. Media has depicted the visuals: you go into a well designed room recline on a sofa, whilst the good ol' head shrink smokes a pipe, sagely nodding at you whilst you carefully spill your life story and vasts sums of money. Juxtaposed with the image of the clinical doctors office where you are shown a rorschach image and inadvertently describe a fluffy bunny as something much more sinister, get thrown into an institution, stuffed full of brightly covered pills, get a jacket to hug yourself and a padded cell for one.

But what realistically happens is an inbetween of these two things, because as with everything and every profession there is good and there is bad. There is well meaning and good intentions but like a long term relationship, sometimes there are red flags that should not be avoided. My blog today is about my somewhat colourful journey with counselling, cheating the process and eventually finding the right one.

My experience with talking therapy started in the mid-90s, when I was a teenager. Damn, I feel old. To give a bit of background, I had my first (now I can clearly recognise) mental health episode when I was 15. One day I went to bed, and I couldn't get up, I did not have any energy, my brain didn't seem to work and I just felt ill. This continued for 3 months, all in the lead up to GCSE's, with constant visits to the doctors, blood tests. They suggested M.E., glandular fever, but one locum had a quiet word with my mum stating that he thought I had depression. My mum was astounded and I don't think told me for a couple of years, and it was pushed to one side.. You have to remember that at this point depression was never thought about/ discussed/ diagnosed in reference to children/ teenagers or even really adults for that matter. I slowly started to get better but these episodes would return again and again until by my early twenties I was diagnosed with clinical depression and sent for therapy.

I remember feeling terrified, as I had visions of emptying my head and ending up in an institution, I had seen Return to Oz! I already felt so different to everyone else, no one around me had been referred for therapy, maybe that is where I needed to be? My dad at this time, also pulled me to one side one day and told me that I needed to buck up my ideas, and pull myself together there was no such thing as depression, I was making it all up, attention seeking and I was disappointing him'. He used more colourful language than that. It absolutely destroyed me and I genuinely thought I was I was putting it all on - the grandest lie of all. But I didn't want to live this lie, so why was I doing it?

That is when I met Jerry. Jerry the counsellor had a small room at the GP surgery that smelt of stale sweat. He was in his mid-50s, and had teeth that moved and bled when he talked. Within the first minute I knew I had nothing in common with this man. But, I also had no previous experience of counselling, so nothing to compare it to - I was in it for the long haul. He talked about my past, about my illness but was obsessed with my dad and that is where we stayed. He had me writing letters to my dad, angry letters about how he made me feel, he wanted me to get the strength to give one of these letters to my dad. Role playing scenarios, that made me cringe with embarrassment - it felt like GCSE drama class rather than a grown up conversation. Plus my dad did not look like a character from a horror film. I got more and more angry with my dad, and actually probably more truthfully at Jerry. 12 weeks later, I walked away - thanking Jerry and him probably thinking he had solved everything but really I was feeling more lost than ever…plus furious at everything.

And so it went on, there were more Jerrys, when I allowed it. Some had better techniques, but all shared the same fascination with my father. Now, I don't have to tell you my dad was a complicated man. I have some stories to tell and boy did I tell them.

I realised that I started to really push those stories, as the counsellors lapped them up - they would write furiously in their notepads, shaking their heads and nodding sympathetically. This stuff was therapy gold! Was I trying to entertain the therapists? I have no idea - but I was cheating the system. But I knew, I just wasn't sure about any of this, it wasn't helping me. It was just making me angry, resentful of my decisions, resentful of my childhood and far too backwards focussed. I was not moving forwards in a positive motion. I would leave each one of these experiences disappointed mostly at myself, for sticking at it hoping that something would be different. 3 years ago I decided I needed to take matters into my own hands and search actively for a private therapist. I was much more self aware at this point and knew exactly what I wanted and what my intentions were. I researched, really trying to get a feel for each person before booking. I stumbled across my therapist and I met with her. This was different, we sat and talked like adults - it felt natural and not forced, the silences were good contemplative silences, I never felt undermined, or like a good case study for the journals, it just felt right. She challenged my thinking, my habits and I loved that. She taught me the phrase to be curious about something, so when I am angry/ or thinking bad thoughts, i do that - I am like an undercover detective for my own mind. Now, of course my dad came up but we worked through that with what I felt was positivity. I had already closed off so much anger for him when he sadly passed away 10 years ago. This was about me, the way I dealt with things, the choices I made, my lack of confidence in myself. Through all the highs and lows we have worked together through it all, and it is the best money I spend. It is the only place I am truly honest and open, I don't censor or lie - I just am. She is my person and I am very grateful to have her. So I want to share 10 things that I have learnt: 1. There is no harm in trusting your instincts, if you don't think a therapist is for you - Walk away. Both NHS and private therapists understand this might happen and respect your decision. This is one of your most important relationships, it has to work for you and also for them, but you are investing the time - don't compromise 2. There are lots of different types of therapies now compared to what I initially received, so definitely look into what is available and what appeals to you and your situation. The MIND website has some terrific resources for some options. 3. Never lie. Never cheat the process like I did. If you are doing this - what is the point? That person is not your person, walk away. 4. Don't have any expectations. Remove what you have seen from the television, read in books. These therapists are here to listen to you. To dedicate time to your story. They don't have a bias. Their only confidentially rule break would be if they were concerned you were going to hurt yourself or someone else. 5. If you have concerns about first appointment, jot a couple of things down in advance - what do you want to get out of that experience? Has something triggered you? Do you have any questions about counselling? Take the notebook, it will give you some kind of back-up should you feel like you are shy or not sure what to say. 6. My personal choice is for a private counsellor and at the time, I was lucky enough to be able to afford it and it was my personal choice. I struggle a little more now, but I also know that it is an investment into me moving forward, so I do anything to ensure I have that money, even if it means selling some dresses or shoes. I have built that relationship with my counsellor and it was a lot, and I am still on the journey. The NHS has some incredible free services and I have friends who have gone through the process of CBT and have had life changing experiences, so don't be afraid to self-refer or ask your GP for more help.

7. Give yourself time and space around appointments. Give yourself at least 15 minutes of quiet head space before you go in - don't rush around or you will find it takes longer to settle into the process. The same goes for after the appointment. I always allow an hour if I can to process, take a walk along the beach, just let it digest.

Sometimes, you just don't want to be around people and that is fair enough. Some sessions can be massive and you feel like you have run a marathon, some you don't feel like you have made any progress at all. Don't judge!! those smaller sessions are often the ones you don't realise that you have moved mountains in.

8. Keep your process to yourself if you can. I am not saying don't talk about it if you want to but honestly, I found it better not to. It was my personal thing and if anyone always asked I would say fine. The problem with sharing with other people, especially when you are in the middle of some big stuff - it could skew the way you are thinking, or they could say 'oh well with my counsellor we did this' or many things. So I try to keep this part of myself closed off. 9. Similarly to above, don't let the haters get you down - some people just don't understand counselling, and that is for them - they are entitled to their opinions. They might have had bad experiences themselves. Funnily enough, my dad saying counselling was useless all those years ago stuck with me, hilariously he watched the Soprano's and guess who went to see a therapist, and found it to be beneficial....there we go!!! 10. For those of you, that think you know people, who should go to counselling. Be warned, each person has to find their own way, you cannot make them, and they will resent you for suggesting it. Think about it - do you want to be told you should go to therapy??. It is a hiding to nothing, and you might find that you are no longer one of the people they confide in a result. As the saying goes you can lead the horse to water.... I hope this was useful....

#mental health #mental heath support #mentalhealth #life story #counselling #pmdd #depression #mental health awareness #anxiety

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Searching for Komorebi Part 3 - Coming out of hibernation by setting fire to the den

Where was I....So it had been quite the eventful first day at the retreat. I went back to my Koyt, getting straight into bed hoping for sleep - which for once came quickly and deeply for a couple of hours. I woke at 2am, sitting bolt upright, gasping for air after the most lucid dream. The dream was about falling into a river, grabbing a branch and having to make the choice to let go of the branch and cascade down a fierce flowing river which was so sparkly, it blinded me and I could not see anything around me.

I didn't have to page Freud about that one....I don't usually dream so obviously. Usually, I dream about making concept albums by jumping on light bulbs, shouting and singing ‘fuck’ in 20 different languages, with Warren Ellis wearing a sparkly jumpsuit. To be fair, I think I would have preferred that. (Sorry had to add some light to this) Like a tidal wave, the loss emotion hit me hard again and I was once again in childlike sobbing fit. This came and went every couple of hours. Again, it was not scary, it was just overwhelming, exhausting and I really did not know when it was going to end. It felt like the plug had been pulled and there was an endless stream flowing out of me. By the time, 8am came around, I did not feel I could see anyone else. I decided to rest and pull myself out of activities for the morning. I stayed in my cabin and I really tried to work through what was happening by journalling. I just felt like I needed to have my own space. I am so used to processing and doing everything myself, I was struggling with showing my emotions to everyone. I was struggling with the fact that I felt unhinged, even though I knew it was a safe space.

I thought about the feeling of loss that kept surfacing. It was not necessarily loss of person or a thing, it was loss of myself, loss of my voice, loss of my identity - I really did not know who I was anymore. In this group women, I felt like I did not know how to hide or nor did I want to for a change. I was exposed, and I think that was the overwhelm. I could not be anything more than me, and I didn’t want to be anything else. But could I trust myself to just be me, and whatever did that look like anymore. Who the fuck was I?I could not believe I had lost so much of myself over the past couple of years in all areas of my life. In my self imposed hibernation over the last year, I had somehow become reclusive and unsure - I have always lacked confidence but this was something else. The afternoon came and we were due to go to the coast. I contacted Kate to let her know I would stay back, that I was feeling wobbly. The minute I sent the message, I felt stupid and selfish to both the group and to Kate, maybe I could just get on with it. But I knew I couldn't and actually more importantly, I shouldn't. I push through things all the time, and suffer for it - this was my process to own. Kate came to see me privately in my cabin and was incredible. What I loved is that she talked to me like an adult. This powerful lady, casually lay on my bed and asked me what was happening, made all my feelings and my reaction to the healing feel normal and validated. I was honest, I was very apologetic, in that I was feeling overwhelmed by the thought of being around people, while I was processing whatever this was and just needed a bit of time. Again, she did not pander to me, she once again confirmed to me to own my process, but that I needed to stop apologising constantly for being me. I immediately said sorry!! hahah! But It is true, sorry is my used word. I also observed that I was surprised how much, I did not trust my voice and that I struggled in the group situations, it felt good to say out loud. We decided that i would stay back and I would go on a walk. I listened to them all leave, and felt sad I was not going with them but also I felt a huge amount of relief. I knew what I was going to do, I knew what was calling me. I put my wellies on and I walked into the ancient forest. Because it is private woodland, it was all mine - no one else was there - I could be just completely me. Spend as much time as I want for the next three hours. And that is what I did. I mooched through the bluebell glade, I sat on a rock by the river with my feet in the water, found a special rock that I took back with me, I took loads of photos, I sat and was quiet and listened to the sounds of the forest and the water and then I went up to the ancient forest and Tor. It was so silent, and perfect, I touched the trees, talking to them out loud about everything. I thanked them for listening and I felt the power return to me. It probably sounds a little silly to you as a reader, but to me in that moment that it was just what I needed to do. I used to do that sort of thing when I was a child. I had such a big imagination and always believed The Faraway Tree was real, I had imaginary animals I used to talk to. So it felt like I had returned to that part of me, that happy little girl. I walked back to the Koyt with purpose, no more hiding away, no more apologising, no more changing myself to fit in - I felt like a fire had been lit inside of me. I was going to join everyone else that evening for the ceremony. I was looking forward to seeing them to hear about their coast trip. Something had flipped in me. I didn't feel apologetic, I felt like I had taken charge of my journey, I did what was right for me.

I rejoined in the communal area, the hugs were amazing, everyone didn't make a big deal again, just welcomed me back more warmly than ever. I got back into it all again and felt happy to be around all of these awesome women, who were all coming alive more and more before my eyes. I loved it - maybe because I had been away from them, I noticed and felt it more it was inspiring. It was such a perfect evening. We wrote on blocks of wood the things we were going to release. We spoke it out loud. For the first time in the process, I felt my voice was clear and true - I was funny, I felt in control. I told them i was releasing the past, and most importantly the constant apologising - I was embracing being me. We whooped, we hollered to the sky and it was all so magic. We placed the blocks in the fire and it was lit. We went and had dinner - another delicious vegetarian Indian meal and we all laughed and chatted, it was the beautiful sound. It felt like we had been friends for years. Then it was time for the fire ceremony, we sat around the fire - the mood changed to a more cotemplative one, as we wrote our personal intentions on pieces of paper, that we dropped one by one into the fire, whilst Kate drummed. The owls hooted, and the wind whipped up and blew the grasses making them whisper, the lambs and sheep bleated, the pieces of paper burnt furiously and it really did feel like it was just us in the universe. Magic. We held hands and I cannot really describe that moment, except that it was probably the perfect moment - a powerful, quietly strong moment. As we hugged, I started to drift back to my head and decided that I would go back to my Koyt. That moment had been so big, I almost did not want anything to touch it, to change it in my mind. I felt so powerful, and also like I had awoken and I had stuff to flipping well get done. No more living in limbo, no more procrastinating, no more hiding, no more hibernating , in my mind, I had set fire to the den so I could never go back. I decided at that moment that I would leave early the next morning before everyone woke. There was a morning full of activities but I was in such a different head space, I needed to be on the road, going home to get things done, to have conversations that I had been putting off. I needed that fire ceremony to be the close of my retreat experience, with those powerful women who had come so far surrounding me, empowered by the flames. Now, I did struggle with again doing something selfish, that maybe it would not be good for the group. What would Kate think. But, I knew it was the right thing to do - in my gut, I knew they would understand. I had come to a magical place, I had let go of the branch and I had gone down the river and now how I navigate it is up to me. So as I walked through the misty glade at 5am in the morming, I felt strong and proud for owning my decision. I closed the gate with a click and I drove... ******** Some gratitude:

Firstly, and most importantly to Kate Young. Who is one of the most powerful women I have ever met, whenever I saw her I thought of a warrior woman, surrounded by fire (Boudica was the name that kept popping into my head) with huge energy, huge but perfectly focussed energy, eloquent, pragmatic, curious and so good humoured - it was an honour and I hope we can stay in contact. I am so thankful to have attended the retreat. But I am even more thankful that you gave me such a safe space to do what I needed to do, I felt so held and empowered. But I also know that, it must have been quite tricky to navigate yourself, so I want you to know how grateful I am for you for that. The retreat for me was life changing, it was a wake up call to start living, authentically and with purpose. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Secondly, my fellow retreat women. Wow, what a weekend. Every single interaction I had with each of you was special, and I will always hold close in my heart. I love that we are already making plans to sea swim, forage and meet up again. It was amazing to watch you all come more alive as the weekend continued. You are all an inspiration, and I am very thankful for each and every one of you. Thank you.

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Searching for Komorebi Part 2 - Retreating at the Retreat

I had been researching retreats for a while and none had really stood out to me. By sheer chance, the day before my birthday this beautiful photo of a tree appeared on my IG feed with the words Resonant Land Retreat. It was being hosted by Kate Young, who was someone I had literally only just started following through She's Lost Control, an organisation that I regularly attended virtual events with. I read the description and scrolled through the photos, ancient forest bathing, wild swimming, sound healing circles, wood cabins - I knew it was for me. So I booked it as a birthday present to myself, it was very spontaneous and I am very grateful that I had the funds to do it at the time. Kate welcomed me warmly by email and I carefully filed it under the 'things to look forward to later in the year'. Well, later in the year came quicker than I expected, and a couple of days before I felt the classic anxiety creep in about attending. It was completely out of my comfort zone. I have never been brilliant in group situations - what on earth had I done?!! I panicked because I thought I would have been more well by the time the retreat would come round. The spiral of thoughts continued 'how was it May and I was still floundering?' I had nothing to say for myself. Again, another hard stare at myself and I got on with putting my kit together. I had invested in this amazing opportunity and I was going to embrace it.

I split the journey up to Bodmin and overnighted in Lyme Regis, knowing that I needed to give myself plenty of space and time to rest in the lead up. So by the time, I pulled off the A roads and into the tiny country lanes enshrouded by these fantastic trees & yellow gorse with wild ponies watching from the side of road, I started to feel the magic and excitement. I was greeted warmly by the Cabilla staff, the place was incredible. After check-in they showed me to my Koyt - I was absolutely blown away. As a child (and actually still as a an adult) I love small cubby holes, tree houses, wardrobes, tiny spaces to sit and hide, think or read. This was my dream space, a triangular cabin with huge windows looking out to the ancient temperate rainforestand it was all mine. I closed the door, lay on the bed and looked up at the trees and felt happy. Soon after, I started to hear the chattering of the other women arriving, the Whatsapp group fired into action and the plan for the first evening was shared. An opening ceremony, followed by dinner and our first ceremony. I pulled out my tarot cards, and pulled an Emperor card (which amazingly looked just like my Koyt), nine of cups and ten of cups - all great cards. I did some grounding and reiki, put on my coat, took and deep breath and walked up to the communal area to meet the other women, that I would be sharing the retreat with. I was the first to arrive, so nestled myself in an armchair and was soon joined by another lady who had driven down from London. She was lovely, we immediately bonded over similarities in our life and then more and more people joined, little interactions sprung up everywhere. It felt manageable and the group was amazing, a real multi generational group of 15 women from all walks of life. And off we went to the opening ceremony, marching through the fields past Gloria the Pig, sheep and their lambs to the hayloft where we greeted by Kate. She hugged each of us warmly, and I just loved her energy the minute I felt that connection. She held the space so well, communicating eloquently. yet passionately, about the weekend ahead. Then the moment I always dread the opening of the circle and talking about ourselves. I listened as each of my fellow attendees introduced themselves, they were so similar to me, their reasons for attending resonated, these were people that I understood and already knew I would care deeply about, they all spoke so well about their situations. I opened immediately with an apology for not being good at speaking out loud in a group (we will come back to this). I don't really remember what I said except I used an analogy; 'that I felt that I was in a fast flowing river, holding on to a tree branch scared to let go'. Saying words out loud and seeing the reassuring nods, changed something in me. We then journalled privately, I am going to share what I wrote:

'I am here and I am scared that my voice is not true, authentic or interesting. Im scared I do not fit in. But I will try and I will be open hearted to the process. Because this is a huge investment for me, and only me. I think I am scared of releasing and letting go of the things that no longer serve me. But I need to surrender. I need to step into my power and find my voice - my true voice, not the many different voices I use to fit in with different people. I need to trust my spirit guides in this magical place . A magical place that I know holds the key to moving forward. I am surprised at the level of emotion I am feeling already . I need to unravel and be the real me. Just me. I need to stop apologising' I walked back with a lovely lady, who told me I spoke well and was engaging. That was reassuring and I took the compliment, whilst screaming rubbish words at myself in my head. The evening was really lovely, with a communal dinner where I chatted with other participants - not normal chats, deep chats about life, spirituality and it was amazing - the shared values, these were people like me. I loved it, it kind of scared me, it certainly overwhelmed me but I already loved so many of them, I was invested in their journeys. These were good people, who needed healing and we were going to help each other. The ceremony that evening was celebrating the full moon, there was so much energy in the room and it was very special. We all moved silently after the ceremony in the darkness to our Koyt's to process the day. I was wired, I could not sleep and just lay in bed and stared at the trees and the stars. Thinking how it is so interesting, that I so rarely have conversations about the things I had that evening, stuff that genuinely I had knowledge and was passionate about with my holistic therapist background, I often hide that side to me, as I always feel it is looked upon as 'Hippie Dippie' or whatever. But it is something that lights me up and brings me so much joy. I also thought about how much work I had done on myself but it was always in silo. Meaning, that I would tap in and tap out, attend a class, have a superficial connection over the course of a couple of hours and then walk away. No feedback, no further communication. This was different, we were coming together as a coven, as a group, to heal and to witness each other's journey. It felt so much more powerful and something that I could not run away from, as much as my head for at least 30% was trying to do. I was awake most of the night, feeling overwhelmed by the power of everything, the location, the people, what was about to happen. In the morning, I was panicky and decided to not push myself too hard so pulled out of yoga, meditation and breakfast just to give myself some time to rest. Kate was very kind and said 'I needed to own the process' so I did. I really felt it was important to follow what my body was telling me. I joined the group for a breathwork session. Nobody mentioned that I had not been around in the morning, and that was lovely, I did not feel like a naughty school child. I thought I had done breathwork before but this was something different. Kate carefully explained the process and we begun, as a group. I immediately went into my head 'Am I doing this right, I am useless, I am not feeling anything, why am I so crap at this'.........and then it came out of nowhere, like someone had pulled a plug out of something deep inside of me, the tears started at first just leaking out of my eyes and then the sobbing started and did not stop. Wave after wave, the word 'loss' rolled around my head and I sobbed like a child. I remember constantly trying to grip at the floor, because I wanted to feel like I wanted to be sure I was connected. Now this sounds scary, it was not, it felt so natural, it felt like a relief, like something that needed to happen, it was positive, it was progress, I was surrendering and I felt safe and loved by the group. I have no idea how long I cried for, but it just kept coming.

When it ended, Kate encouraged me to go outside and be in the trees and nature - the tears just kept coming, I could not control them and it was a lot. I remember looking up at the trees, seeing the sunshine leaking through the branches and wondering what on earth had just happened and would I ever be able to stop crying. We went back to circle and shared our experiences, a lot of my fellow participants had similar experiences and it felt safe and the bonding between the group felt even stronger. Kate was brilliant throughout the whole session, acknowledging the reactions and speaking wisely about what had happened. I will talk a lot about safety, because I feel it is important, I felt safe and held throughout the whole thing, I knew I was not going to have to deal with what had happened alone - i was in the process, really in it. We returned to the communal space and had a delicious lunch, but were all obviously rocked by the experience, it was a lot. I kept feeling the waves of emotion, tears close to the surface and I was absolutely exhausted. I could not wait to get out on the nature walk and go wild swimming which followed lunch. The nature walk was everything I could have dreamed of and more. We descended into the temperate rainforest, the trees are over 3000 years old there. As they are so old, they have complex messaging systems underground, where they communicate with each other, telling the whole forest when to shed their acorns which they can do every couple of years in the space of a couple of days! This blew my mind, how amazing - it was magic, imagine the sound of that. I laughed, as usually on walks I am the only one touching the trees, taking photos of the branches, picking up stones and everyone was doing it. This was a group of 15 women who were all like me, it was hilarious - fellow nature nerds! We dawdled along to the river, marching through the mud in our wellies marvelling at the sound of the rushing water. The river is very special as contains so much quartz and crystal, it sparkles, the water is completely clear and clean - so completely drinkable. We did a water ceremony that was very special and then went into the amazing sauna on the banks of the river. After which we immersed in the cold stream, which was perfect. I think it was one of my favourite moments of the retreat, seeing the people who were pure water babies light up when entering the water, seeing others who were not so sure go for it. I remember talking through with a lady as she immersed into the water for the first time, keeping her calm. It was a special moment. We were given space to make our own way back, at our own speed back to our Koyt's, so I mooched along through the bluebells feeling refreshed - ready for a nap! The dinner that evening, was super fun - a chinese fakeaway - probably some of the best vegetarian food I have ever tasted. I could eat the mushroom pancakes forever...urgh now I really want one! It felt like a group of old friends on a Saturday night, and although we were all exhausted the mood was lovely. After dinner, we had the medicinal mushroom and cacao ceremony, which was really magical and again we drifted back to our Koyt's in silence. What a day!! (I am going to continue with the next day of retreat tomorrow, as this feels very long and I am sure you don't want war and peace!!)

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Searching for Komorebi* Part 1 - Uncomfortably Numb I will be releasing my blog in two parts over the next couple of days. It is about my journey over the past 6 weeks; PMDD, fighting with medication based emotional blunting, taking control, getting back to nature, retreating at the retreat and coming out of my year long hibernation fighting. It's not all pretty, but it is real. 6 weeks ago

Have you ever looked at something you normally love, and felt nothing at all? Nothing. No feelings of happiness, joy, sadness, anger, frustration just nothingness. People who know me well, know that I am often tripping over because I am always staring/ taking photos at the sky or into the trees. I love looking at the way the sunlight catches in the leaves, the gnarled branches looking like skeleton hands reaching into a moody sky, a bird, a cloud formation, vapour trails, the moon and stars.

But one day that joy disappeared. I went to bed, and the next morning I woke up feeling l like I had been pinned to my mattress - like a semi-conscious butterfly in a display case. My brain was not working and I didn’t know what to do. But it was more than that. It was like, I didn’t even know what it was that I should be feeling or doing. The word I can only use to describe it, is that I flatlined. I was very tired so I just went back to sleep. Later, in the day, I forced myself up and I looked out of my window, at my beloved wisha washa tree and I felt absolutely nothing. I actually thought I might be dead and I could not even cry, so I pinched myself hard. Nope I was there, but not in a way I was used to.

This was not completely out of the blue. I had started new antidepressant medication for PMDD, and on the starter dose I had been doing ok, but this feeling was the day after the planned increase and now I have found out it is called emotional blunting.

I was told to keep going on the dose by the doctors, so I did as I was told. Apparently, I was going to hit a sweet spot at 6 weeks and that was going to be magic. For two weeks, I literally found no joy in anything at all. When I managed to get out of bed, I barely looked after myself, all my spiritual practices stopped, my Peloton got dusty, I came off all social media, I stopped talking to anyone except my mum and all I did was exist. When I was concerned with my progress, I spoke with the doctor and mental health team, who continued to say to persevere. They asked me the difficult, but normal question, about whether I had, had thoughts of hurting myself. I honestly answered, no - but I did wish I no longer existed or something outside my control could happen like a massive heart attack, or accident not involving anyone else - I would not mind disappearing. But I could not do it myself, in all honesty I didn't have the energy or the inclination to do that. Again, I just existed and stared into the distance, at nothing in particular not even wondering what the future was, because there didn't feel like there was a future - just a marking of time. The weirdest and most uncomfortable part, as I progressed with the medication, was that I felt like I was no longer in my body. I felt like a glitch and I was a 0.75 of an inch (yes it was that exact in my weird mind) slightly to the left. So I was never quite in alignment with my mind and my physical body, looking back at that feeling it feels like something out of a Cronenberg film, which kind of makes me laugh. Thankfully, I had an appointment with my counsellor and I have always made a pact with myself that I would drag myself to that appointment no matter what. So off I went and of course, she immediately got it. We discussed and she engaged me in a controversial discussion, just a chat about a topic which requires an opinion not anything about my condition or me (now I realise it was a counselling technique - she is clever) This brought me into my body and I found my words and my voice again. I was still around. I still had a brain. Thank goodness, it was just hidden in a sea of anti-depressant fog. I am forever grateful for that amazing warrior woman who has been beside me through all of this.

I went home and did a Moon Space and meditated, as best as I could, and I kept getting the same message 'I need to take control' - something was not right. So the next day, I went down to the smaller dose. I would rather feel everything than nothing. I did not want to just exist.

Gradually, I started to feel like my old self, I opened the curtains one day and the wisha washa tree had sunlight streaming through his branches, I heard a blackbird sing and it made me smile, I put my nose into my dogs big furry head and he smelt perfect - like home and the sea felt like magic again. I was lucky that as I started to feel better, I had a holiday booked to Aberdeenshire to be around my family. They were all incredible, and the land there is astonishing - the grasses moving in the wind, the fierce north sea, the abandoned castles and villages in the dunes and the landscape all brought me so much joy. So I rested, hugged my mum tight, went late night beach mooching with my brother, laughed with my sister-in-law, talked football and music with Sam and spent silly fun time with my favourite person in the world, my niece Elsie - she is pure sunshine. I came home exhausted, as I had gone from practical reclusion and silence to being around a house full of people, shouting and laughing, No matter what company I am in, I always feel like I have to be 'on' the whole time, but I didn't mind, because I was surrounded by love. I avoided questions about the future, jobs, life stuff but I was there and I was genuinely happy. So here I was back at home again, and I had to get used to being on my own again, in a bit of a strange head space. In a bizarre moment, the day after coming home, I took myself out for the afternoon and got drunk on my own. Looking back, I think I was just desperate to feel something. Although, I know that is more of a Dad Galunacy way of dealing with things, and after a hard stare at myself in the mirror the next day, and a chat, I don't intend on doing that again. I certainly do not want to become the lush at the end of a bar spouting bizarre stuff at anyone who will listen. So no... I decided to turn my head into the planning of attending my first ever retreat which was going to start in a couple of days. Something, I had carefully put to the back of my mind, to avoid the inevitable binge think and try to talk myself out of it. I made route plans, a playlist, booked a hotel and played a lot of Catan (because I am a mega gamer nerd and proud of it). I was doing more than existing, I had found some sort of spark of joy but I still felt uncomfortably numb... Tomorrow I will release the second part about the Resonant Lands Retreat. *Komorebi means “sunlight leaking through trees,” this word describes the beauty and wonder of rays of light dappling through overhead leaves, casting dancing shadows on the forest floor

#mental health #mental heath support #life story #creative writing #pmdd awareness #actually pmdd #depression #anxiety #emotionalblunting

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Playing diagnosis roulette and hitting the jackpot.

The sun was out yesterday, as I drove along the seafront to a medical appointment that I had been dreading - I was hoping it was a good omen. For a nice change, it was…

As you will know, my mental health has been bad for a while now. Things really came to a head a couple of weeks ago, when I had to admit myself to the mental health crisis care team, because I was having some seriously bad thoughts. Still one of the scariest moments of my life. My mood has been all over the place some days I was good, some days I was sky high, some days bad and some days I just don't remember. But, I was also suffering from a variety of baffling other symptoms, including restless legs, severe muscle aches/pains, bloating, cognitive issues; not being able to put sentences together out loud, not remembering simple facts, getting hurt, upset and paranoid about the tiniest things, spotting and the insomnia has been wild - 3 hours sleep per night, max for the past 3 weeks. I honestly thought I was starting to go mad and I did not know what the end would be. Since then, I have been having a barrage of blood tests, scans, daily check-in calls, referrals and everything in-between. I was cleared for several cancers, ovarian cysts, a hysterectomy was suggested and several other things. It was exhausting, each of these potential diagnosis/ solutions really took time to process and scared the shit out of me. But onwards I went, each time I would see someone new, have to go through the whole story again and then I would lurch into the next load of tests and theories. It was like a merry go round or shitty go round in this case. I had started to think maybe everything was in my imagination or it was simple just my wonky headedness, just being extra wonky. During this time, devastatingly, I had to pull out of a job that I was so excited about, as I was just not well enough to cope with even the most basic of things. I was taking it hour by hour, literally - I would note every hour down on a post it and score it off. In all honestly hoping that external forces would interfere and it would all end for me. It felt bleak again - back to square one, letting people down again. A complete and utter failure. I did not know how to tell my friends and family, so I didn’t. I just panicked about it, I really started to doubt I would ever get a job again. All through this, the NHS has been my constant and I was so lucky to have them. I am not sure I would be sat here typing this if it wasn't for certain individuals on the team. Anyway, to the appointment, I met with a mental health specialist who took me through all the results, and listened to me. She really listened - for a whole 45 minutes. She was incredible, calm, pragmatic, kind and just made me feel heard. I had bought my journal with me which had dates when things had been especially bad and we started to put the pieces together. The list of symptoms, everything.

She explained that she believed that I have a condition called PMDD, which is basically a severe form of PMS. (How typically Galun that I would have an extreme of something!!! )It is a condition I had never heard of and was intrigued. She went through the symptoms line by line - and everything just fit - absolutely everything. That on top of my pre-existing mental health condition, it all equals the perfect storm of wonky headedness!! So the answer, firstly is I go on medication and this could all be managed very easily in a couple of months. It might not be straightforward, but it is manageable and with diagnosis comes options. She talked about other patients (not by name obviously) who were very similar who had suffered for years - got the diagnosis and were different people in weeks. There is hope and frankly, I will take hope because that is something that I have been seriously lacking recently. The path has been far from straightforward to diagnosis. I had not even heard of this condition before yesterday, but it so common, just not talked about very much. I got home and typed it into google - I saw a link to the Mind website. There it all was in black and white, everything, including testimonials from other women who were saying exactly the things I was going through the - suicidal thoughts to thinking that they had gone loop the loop,two weeks good, two weeks bad - everything. I had a big ugly cry, as I think there is a comfort to diagnosis but also a stark moment, where you realise that this could have been diagnosed years ago. I think this has been going on for a long time with me.

It is very easy, in a stressed system for anti-depressants to just be chucked at anything mental health related and hope it all goes away. I had to persist hard with the other symptoms, as I knew something else was going on. But it was hard and I felt several times like I was fobbed of. In a stretched medical system it is very hard to give something the full symptom check that luckily this doctor did and I will forever be grateful. My counsellor was the person who encouraged me to journal and keep mood diaries and I am so glad that I kept that up. It meant we could put the pieces together and see the link to the disorder. So feeling grateful, I walk into a new phase - it could be a rough month ahead with the new meds but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

#pmdd awareness #mental health #mental heath support #mentalhealth #actually pmdd #living with pmdd #depression #anxiety

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Can you have imposter syndrome with your own mental health?

So today, a week after a serious mental health crisis I am feeling guilty. I am feeling guilty about going out last night, having fun and forgetting that I had a wonky head. I felt like an imposter - depressed people should be depressed, they should NOT be dancing to drum and bass for 5 hours!

Rewind to yesterday. I woke up and spent two hours trying to work out ways of getting out of a gig which I had got for my brother and sister in law for Christmas. A gig for an artist who I love more than anything and every time I have seen, has given me such joy. Also an artist who was on every playlist for my Galunacy Check Your Head Tour.

I tried to look at it curiously, what was this feeling? Got it!! ‘I did not deserve to go.’ I had not worked all week. I had barely left the flipping wardrobe all week, so why should I go? What if I had a massive panic attack or kept crying? What if? what if? what if? But I kept coming back to the same answer ‘just go, you have been looking forward to this since before lockdown, you are allowed to try to be happy’

So I put on my make up, got the train to London and met up with Giles and Sarah. We kept conversation away from my life they knew stuff had been bad. I am lucky, they know that I just prefer to keep it in until I am ready to talk - usually, once I have processed everything and come up with a plan for what’s next. I am far from that point yet.

So we had dinner, the gig was early so that was great and I had the best time. Calibre is a shared bond between the 3 of us and it was a night that we will always remember.

Then, I woke up feeling like a fraud. ‘How dare I have fun. How dare I dance and laugh. I am depressed, I am broken, I am exhausted. Am I a liar, is this all an act?!’

I thought I shouldn’t post on social media, as the last posts were ‘Wah Wah woe is me.’ I could hear people saying ‘how did things change so much in 24 hours?’ Why am I constantly trying to put myself in the heads of others? Do people even care? I am such a people pleaser, but seriously, this is next level ridiculous negative binge thinking. I don’t think anyone wants me to be unhappy or constantly post unhappy shit. The Olympic overthinker was in overdrive and heading for a gold medal 🥇.

Which got me thinking about authenticity. The only thing I promised to myself about writing this blog, it was real, it was straight out of head on to paper - no acts, no pretending. I wanted people to understand how the wonky head works, or not works in this case! Warts and all. The highs and the lows. Clinical depression is a tricky one to navigate, especially when you come out of crisis. It’s all very raw, and tentative baby steps. But just because I am recovering it does not mean I can only be sad, I am recovering…

So, I chalk this down to a win. A win because I left the house, I left the black dog at home for a bit, I distracted myself, I did something that I wanted to do, despite my head trying to tell me otherwise and launch a missile guilt attack.

Now, I need to take that win, stop the guilt and focus on the week ahead which is filled with more mental health assessment, doctors and counselling appointments. I move forward, past the open windows and start to regroup. In a place that is so much better than this time last week! Hey, I am not in a wardrobe for goodness sake, trying to claw my way through plasterboard to Narnia - so progress…I am however, currently eating Turkish Delight 🫠

#mentalhealth #mental health #mental heath support #life story #depression #mentalheathawareness

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Keep on walking past the open windows…

I lost my voice this week. No, not in the physical way, that would be too straightforward, I just could no longer speak. Like a spell was woven and my ability to communicate was lost. I didn’t want to speak anymore and I wouldn’t.

I went and sat in my wardrobe, closed the door and cried. Wondering whether I could just stay there forever in the safe, small dark space amongst my dresses and slowly disappear into nothing or maybe fall out the back and into Narnia and into a massive bowl of Turkish Delight. (I didn’t think the latter but needed to throw some fun into this - light and shade people, light and shade).

I cried and cried, until I fell asleep…waking up a few hours later spooning a pair of dusty tap shoes. Knowing that something was not right, I got out of the wardrobe, and wandered around the flat, looking for something to distract me, it was 3am and I ended up staring out of the window waiting for something, anything and counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until I had to start work at the new job. As dawn broke, the birds sang and the panic rose again and more dark thoughts. I had to call the crisis line but I couldn’t, what would I even say, it all sounded ridiculous and pathetic in my head. Should I contact my family, my friends. No, I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t speak. I also couldn’t move - there was no action in me anymore. I was paralysed in fear of not knowing what was happening to me.

I realised that I had not dealt with these episodes on my own before, and that was scary. Before, I would ‘pull myself together’ pretend I was ok, in fear that I would be left or abandoned for being too crazy or sad. But on my own there was no need for that, there was just my thoughts and my company.

The words in my head were jumbled and confused and I started to focus on weird single words and repeating them over and over again. Looking back at me pacing around the house repeating ‘Injunction’ in my head is actually quite funny now, but at the time less so.

I cracked and knew that the best thing to do would be to fill in an econsult form for the doctors - that way I wouldn’t need to say the things out loud - just type them. Anyone, who has ever filled in these types of form for anxiety or depression, will know that they are a bizarre abstract tick box exercise. It kind of feels like a quiz in J17 about your compatibility with boys at school - just less fun.

Are you anxious? If so, how anxious? It goes on and on until the points are loaded and you hit submit the ‘how mental are you?’ form. First comes the relief of saying it out loud and asking for help, and then the panic that a van will shortly arrive taking you to a padded cell and a jacket where you permanently hug yourself. Actually maybe that would be nice.

I wrote to work to say I was unwell and could not come in that day and I cried some more. Feeling like a failure, knowing that I had let people down and panicking about the future. I was so angry at myself for getting myself into this position again. But also curious as to why the pattern kept repeating, and it was all of my own doing.

I sat and waited. Messages came in from work, from family and friends and I didn’t know what to do so I turned off all my notifications and just sat. I sat and thought about not existing, about the fact that I provided little to no value to the world and how I could disappear. I planned getting in my car and driving away, I planned a lot of things in meticulous detail, which in some ways is very comforting. But I also thought of the pain of my friends and family, if anything happened to me and how much I loved them and needed to keep trying to get better.

The call from the doctor came at 7pm, an amazing doctor who spent over 45 minutes talking to me about everything I had written. She had read it all and listened and for that I was so grateful, she understood and had lots of valuable insights and advice. I felt heard and agreed the best course of action was to return to meds and CBT therapy, alongside my current private counsellor. She would talk to me again in 5 days and said she would send a text with useful resources.

The text came within minutes, an app link called Stay Alive which I instantly downloaded, links to Mind local advice centre, crisis lines, CBT self referral service and my next appointment date.

The rest of the week has been a blur, i felt like I was drowning. I continued to not be able to talk, i avoided messages sending brief notes saying ‘I was ok but busy’, I cried a lot, I sat in the wardrobe a lot and felt like a failure. I realised that I didn’t want to talk to anyone as I didn’t know what I could possibly say, or what I wanted them to say to me. ‘I have had another depressive episode and everything has gone wrong again’ would be met with well meaning words that I would twist and manipulate to make me feel like I was the worst, most lazy person in existence. Why can everyone else go out and work, get up and have a shower and I cannot even get out of a fucking wardrobe.

5 days on, and I have emerged from underwater, red eyed and feeling rather stupid and embarrassed. I reached out to everyone this morning, letting them know I was alright, that I was ok and getting help. I know I have worried a lot of people and I hate that but I also didn’t have the capacity to even say or type anything. I need to work out a better plan moving forward, if I am on my own, but now I am getting help that path feels a bit brighter…as my favourite quote goes…I will keep passing the open windows.

I always question why I feel I have to write these, and probably selfishly they are for me to get everything out and down. But also for anyone else out there with similar struggles, I want to be honest, there is always hope and there is always support. You just have to find your way and your coping mechanisms. Not everyday is going be a picnic, the black dog never goes far but as long as we talk, we learn and we move forward. I hope it is of some use to someone out there, even if it is to understand a loved ones mindset in crisis.

#mentalhealth #mental health #mental heath support #creative writing #bi polar #life story #depression #anxiety #trauma #blog #mentalheathawareness #mental illness

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Acting up, feeling down

I’m struggling. There it is - I put my white flag up.

You wouldn’t know it to look at me. I am doing all the right things. Putting the right positive posts up on social media. Going out. Started a job. But every single minute of every single day I am battling with the black dog and his incessant negative woofing inside my head, telling me I cannot do things and that I am useless, lazy…well you get the gist.

I know I have once again, set myself for a fall because I panicked and did what I thought everyone else thought I should do and not what I want. If self sabotaging was a sport, I would be an Olympic athlete. I find it fascinating that I do the same things, time and time again and think I am so self aware but in fact, I am far from it. I know what I am doing is wrong each time, I know my gut instincts are right but part of me goes ‘no this time it will be different.’ But it is not and then I have to try and work my way out of the situation

I’m constantly exhausted, mostly because I am not sleeping, which I know makes things so much worse. I lie in bed and dread everything I need to do and wish that I could disappear, hoping that some exterior force will mean that I can just stop being.

But that is not the answer, I know that is not the answer. Nor is acting and pretending I am ok or coping, when I am definitely not. I keep seeing myself, the smiling fool who says yes to everything and sounds so enthusiastic on zoom calls and the minute I come off, I fall apart. I could get a BAFTA for some of my performances.

I went for a mental health annual review part 1 last week. The minute I walked into the surgery, I felt my eyes watering and I was on the edge. As my name was called, I knew I was crying - so but told the nurse I thought I had allergies - what the actual fuck?!

When I sat down, the nurse asked me how I was and I burst into tears, a howling embarrassing stupid ugly cry and of course, I immediately apologised as I hate crying in front of strangers. She was absolutely amazing, and spent twenty minutes listening and offering support. I don’t think I had realised how low I had got, how lonely I had felt and at that moment, I knew I needed more help. She escalated my part 2 with the doctor for an asap appointment, as felt it was important that I was seen and had a medication review, especially as I am not taking anything at the moment.

Its been years now of this and I am tired of not feeling well, tired of fighting it, tired of going 5 steps forward and ten steps back in a matter of days and I am tired of constantly having to make excuses about it and letting people down. I just want to be normal and do normal things, and not feel like I am acting my way through life.

So for now, I know I need to see the doctors and probably go back on meds, be more honest with my friends and family, ask for help, increase my counselling and try and focus on what is good for me in the short term, and come up with a plan. Rather than obsessing over chucking my phone in the sea, driving to Scotland barefoot whilst eating a Toblerone.

I also reminded myself of the statements I wrote when I was feeling a bit better in

Today I choose to work for myself.

Today I chose to say goodbye to what does not serve me anymore.

Today I chose to stop being a victim of my past.

To stop sabotaging my own progress, falling into negative patters and to step forward into the light

Today I choose me, as me is pretty ok.

**I’m so grateful for the NHS, as it continuously takes a battering from our awful leadership - they helped me so much and I felt lucky I was offered that appointment and was given so much care and kindness.

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

How are you doing?

I’ve been thinking about this simple question a lot recently. One question, a simple question, that on the surface feels so normal to ask. In fact, probably the only opener following a greeting all over the world. It would be rude not to ask, right? But it’s a funny one because the response is usually the same: ‘yeah good, how are you?’ ‘Yeah good…’ and onwards you go - usually finding out how someone really is a few sentences later. It’s polite, it's what we do, it’s the ice breaker. It’s normal.

So why does it immediately trigger me into turning my phone over and not communicating? Just seeing that simple sentence in black and white 'How are you doing' . How do you even begin to answer that question, when the most you have achieved is existing that day?

Now, I am super aware that this sounds ungrateful. It is lovely that people reach out. It means so much to me. And seriously Olivia, how the hell are people to know what to send or word things? That is not what I am trying to say. What am I trying to say? I am trying to say I am sorry for not replying, I am sorry that i appeared rude. I then got more curious about it…why does it trigger me?

And the simple answer is embarrassment. Embarrassment that in the times I was not doing ok, I could not just say that. Because sometimes that just cannot be communicated. I certainly struggle with writing messages to people like that. So many people say, 'I had no idea you were going through this - please just message'. My honest response to that is, how do you word that message and not ruin someone else’s day. Messages land in real time, with no context - they appear on someones phone who could be in any situation and it might not be appropriate. I don't want to put someone else in that position. Plus I have already felt stupid sending it. So, I do something worse and don't respond which makes people worry and I don't want to do that either...so this is a heartfelt sorry to all of those people.

My blog today is about coming out the other side of depression, and having no idea anymore what your value is in the world anymore, but knowing that you don't want to merely exist.

You all now know my story, so I won’t bore you. I was diagnosed with clinical depression as a teenager and some days are good and some are bad. In fact some years are good and some are bad. The last couple of years have been bad, I did not take care of myself and I paid the price with my mental health. But you know all of this.

Depression is like a toxic fog, a right pea souper, it comes in and covers everything. When you start to see the chinks of light, your world looks a very different place. Relationships broken, friendships in tatters, career in pieces, finances decimated and you attempt to put the pieces of the puzzle back together - grateful that you survived and there are still some pieces to put together. But it takes time, it is not an instant - oh that’s it I’m cured. *Skips down street holding a lollipop

Also, when I surface from the fog I immediately feel guilty. Guilty that I have been lazy, that I have wasted my life, that people are judging me, why can't I be like everyone else? what is wrong with me? am I stupid? why can't I just be happy? I feel like I have played the 'mental health' card too long and people just need me to be better, have a career and act like an adult. I look at people just doing the most normal things, getting up, doing jobs, going about their daily business and it feels so alien to me and also not possible on some days. Now these are all the things I tell myself, I know they are not planted in reality, I have a mental health condition. But as I type that, even I know, that I don't truly believe it - sometimes I don't even think it is real.

I’m slowly coming out of one of the longer spells of depression that I have struggled with. My world is upside down and the word that haunts me is LOSS. I am on my own for the first time in my life and that is my choice, as I know the only way to go forward is to really do the work on myself. Finish the work on myself. But with that, I am frustrated because it isn't instantaneous. . Some days I will disappear into myself and have no energy, some days I will want to cycle on my Peloton and speak to people, some days I want to take on the world, start a business and become Prime Minster. But I am trying hard, formed a plan, and am building routine again. If there is one thing that depression hates it's routine.

So I make a list the night before each day - it contains the most simple things like: get out of bed, I have to eat three meals a day, to shower, to get outside, read a chapter of a book, look into jobs for an hour, send an email that I was dreading, answer 3 text messages, do my TM practice twice a day. All of it is really is very simple, and actual on paper sounds pathetic but it is my way of coping at the moment.

I am doing this all gently for a change. There is a danger that I make the same mistakes as before. I come fast out of the blocks and make bad choices and end up in the same position. This time it is different, every choice I make I write down, I think about. I am not the yes girl to jobs that are being offered. I'm the 'Thank you for the offer, I am going to think about that'. I'm trying to keep the voices away from my head that tell me I should be doing a super stressful senior job on the second day of looking at jobs. This time, moving forward, all my choices are for me and no one else, and that may take time but that is my decision too.

So in answer to your question 'How are you?' I'm ok, but I am taking my time.

****Also, if this has you thinking how should I send a 'how are you'message to friends who suffer from depression, here are some of my thoughts:

Just checking in, as I was thinking of you - no need to message back Here is a photo of a water sausage/ dog sliding in the snow, thought it would make you smile Look outside its sunny!! Fancy going for a walk? Watched this amazing tv show and thought you would love it. Hope all is good with you? Fancy a watch party.

These would normally always get a response from me.

#mentalhealth #depression #journalling #blog

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

I choo, choo, choose me

The change started over a month ago, when I was at rock bottom. We had received news that there had been another delay on the house sale, money was beyond tight and everything felt incredibly bleak. I was starting to think the sale may never happen and the thought of the impact of that was terrifying. I was trying to keep my head above water but feeling like I had weights tied to either ankle. I talked a good talk but I was taking everything hour by hour, staying in bed, not really eating or taking care of myself and I was having some very dark thoughts. Mostly, that I did not deserve anything good and that I had put myself in this position, through a series of adult choices that I owned completely - but maybe they were not right. My health was bad, my blood pressure sky high, mental health terrible - again to a certain extent that was my fault. So why, did I choose that moment to come off my anti-depressants?

Now, I am going to put a statement in place before I talk about this, medications are great - they have saved me multiple times in the past. It was a decision, I made with the support of my counsellor and doctor, so it was informed. I did not tell anyone else - my family or my friends, I did not want judgement. I was to reduce gradually down and check in often. Which I did. My reasoning was, I was in the worst place of my life, and I kind of wanted to feel that in real life, rather than the fog that I felt I was permanently in. The meds felt like a security blanket and I needed to let go. I just wanted it to be real - if it hurt it hurt, if it was terrible I would go back on them - but I needed to just do it - I trusted my instincts. I had been on the meds now for over 3 years on maximum dose so this was a big experiment. Now, I am not going to lie, there were some real wobbles and bleak bits (which I wont talk about as they are triggering) but on the whole, I started feeling a clarity again and that was exciting. My thoughts were clear and I could process life in a grown up adult pragmatic way, instead of crying and hiding in bed. I felt like I was getting strength in the pain and I was starting to question why I kept getting into this place with all the pillars in my life. Over and over again - the same patterns and the fall out and the answer was me. I kept wanting to be a victim, to feel like I needed to use all of my experiences and past to self harm and basically stop living in the real world. I needed to take ownership and that felt exciting, but also frustrating. I was very angry at myself for wasting time.

The house sale got back on track and I started to make plans. I was not going to go backwards, this was my one opportunity to make it all about me and my decisions. I would have the luxury of a small amount of money that I would put aside - an Olivia wellness fund - which could only be spent on stuff that would bring me joy, health, , counselling, courses etc and once it was gone it was gone.

I am a fully qualified holistic therapist and am very much into spirituality, energy and intuition, so I would go back to that place which had helped me so much in the past. I wouldn't care if people thought it was 'hippie shit' - whatever, everything I do is with positive intentions, I don't sit around making voodoo dolls and making spells to ruin people - that is not my thing. But healthy curiosity of tarot, crystals, reiki, shamanism, holistic health and meditation is where I am very happy and it was speaking to me so I leaned into it.

The house sale happened. I paid off my debts, which there were many - friends and family had been very kind. The phone stopped ringing with people demanding money. I put aside money for the future. I put aside money for my wellness fund and I felt overwhelming relief, massive gratitude and huge relief . I was self sufficient and doing stuff for myself for the first time in my life, EVER.

During the year, I had been trying to work, but again I saw the same patterns emerging: take a job, go full out, work 18 hour days, burn out. I know I am fantastic at my job, I am. I love working, but I am also a workaholic and take too much on, never ask for help and say yes to everything. But then on the flipside, I was hugely flaky going down with illness all the time, which I knew was more about my body not coping with stress and shutting down. I knew that it is not for me anymore. The industry, I worked in - events, needs to evolve - it takes no prisoners, people burn out fast, there are no safety measures in place. It is a young persons game and it no longer bought me the joy that it had in the past, but was it all I could do?!

The company I was freelancing for wanted to make me permanent - it was lovely, they really wanted me but my head constantly was shouting 'don't do it. Why are you saying yes! SAY NO!' Whilst physically, I was saying yes and signing all the relevant paperwork for a contract on a job I knew would make me ill. The night before my onboarding, I went very dark - it was possibly the closest I have ever been to something more serious, I cried, I paced, I didn’t sleep and I felt like an idiot for putting myself in that position. I woke up the next day and drove to the job, I did my fantastic acting skills (thanks stage school) being so enthusiastic and saying all the right things. They were all lovely, so welcoming, so everything but I walked out of there and got in the car and debated driving it into the sea. But I didn't, I drove and listened to music which is always how I get my thinking done and I decided no more - what the fuck was I crying about, I don't owe anyone anything - I can change the narrative. I can fucking change the narrative.

Then I started to ask myself curious questions, why do I do this - my answer: 'I don't have children, so if I don't have a high flying career am I failure?' what the actual fuck - I know that is what I had always thought. I had failed at life, no children so I must focus on a career. That is what everyone is expecting - but who the hell is everyone and why are they even being considered, I don't think those people are real, they are just me and ghost voices from the past. I am very good at deciding what everyone else thinks about me, without even asking them. So erm, hold up - surely life is about finding satisfaction, to be happy, to wake up want to do something better, to be a better person, to bring something better to the world and to not hide in bed hoping that the apocalypse would happen and it would end quickly. It was not about ticking The Game of Life boxes and getting to the end of the game. So I decided at that moment, this is it. The job goes. I am going to spend December doing me, finding joy, getting up in the morning and being excited, getting healthy, going on my bike, saying yes to fun, being spontaneous, travelling, working on a plan for the new year to start doing something career wise that I can be passionate about. So I contacted the job and it is no more, I am wide open for new experiences - but no going back.

No more looking over my shoulder. Thus my statement formed:

Today I choose to work for myself. Today I chose to say goodbye to what does not serve me anymore. Today I chose to stop being a victim of my past. To stop sabotaging my own progress, falling into negative patters and to step forward into the light Today I choose me, as me is pretty ok.

So I am going to make me better, so that I can be better for my family, friends and everyone around me. I am so lucky everyone has stuck by me this year and the gratitude I have is abundant to all of those people, there are so many from messages to check ins to little gifts- to just knowing they were there if anything bad happened. I am incredibly lucky especially, as my communication skills back have been horrendous - another bit of self sabotage, if I don't reply they will hate me and I will be alone. Seriously, I needed to get a grip.

This has been a long post, and probably very boring but as with all these things I want to note it down. It feels better. I will write more about what exciting things I will be doing in due course. I know I will wobble and I know there will be times that I will be weak. But for now...I am grinning because actually this is my chance to make it count.

Today I am grateful for: My Family & Friends My incredible counsellor The NHS The Sea Jacket potatoes beans and cheese

#mentalhealth

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Putting on your oxygen mask first

tired of being tired…

Today I woke up and I just felt tired. The kind of tired that I can only liken to having concrete poured into your veins.

I’m tired of constantly battling my mental health. Tired of putting on a show of being ok, of saying ‘I’m fine, it will be fine’. Tired of having one good day and then paying for it for the next week. Of feeling like I am lazy, that I am wasting my life hiding. That everything thinks I am useless, judging me. Of feeling that I am selfish - maybe I am, I think I am.

I’m tired of living in a world where so many are struggling and worrying about everything and everyone, with no control or mechanism to help. It is so bleak out there.

I’m tired of living in the moment and not being able to make plans to move forward by even a day. Being stuck in ‘the nothing’ that just seems to keep sucking me in. (Neverending story reference)

I did nothing today, I slept and slept, I drank some water but on the hour every hour I said I would get up go for a walk in the sunshine, have a shower, put my clothes away, eat something. I have done none of those things, so I guess I am not going to get my achievement badges today. So it’s a fail, I guess tomorrow is another day and I keep battling.

Depression, mental health issues cannot be controlled - like someone waiting behind a wall to jump out on you or being struck like lightening. Sometimes you can go weeks, months, years without a bout but sometimes you are just in it for what seems like eternity. Times are tough, and I know that I am lucky that I can take the time out even though I am putting huge financial pressure on myself. I am lucky that I have friends and family who have been supporting me so much in every possible way. Who I don’t reach out to as much as I should but who love me unconditionally despite my appalling communication skills

So on this #mentalhealthday I just want to say your journey is not meant to be a straight line. Kindness is the only thing we have and that can be given unconditionally. But remember put your oxygen mask on first. #KeepOnKeepingOn - crikey that was a right load of platitude spouting eh!

#mental health #depression #mental heath support #anxiety

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Falling in Fall

The inside of my head feels like a shoal of fish.  Thoughts, song lyrics, memories - all swimming in circles and then one rogue fish breaks off in a different direction and they all rush to follow. It is endless, tiring and endless. Occasionally another bigger fish will join and all hell breaks loose - some fish will get eaten, others will thrive and the circle of life continues.   People talk of earworms, this is what I call my FishTornado.

I know when this starts happening, I am going into a mental health relapse - everything speeds up before it slams on the breaks and I inevitably crash.  

I find that I don’t often talk about the relapses on this blog.  The times when you think you are on top of the world, that finally the fog has lifted, only to come back down to earth with a bump.  Yet, here I am - the black dog (Not Filson) in the corner of the room is back and staring at me, wagging his tail and licking his lips.  I wish he was not so loyal and reliable. 

So what has triggered this?  You may ask, you probably didn’t.   Well I think it is perfect storm of things; the house sale coming to its conclusion (fingers crossed), the change in weather - I loathe Autumn, work, life, financial stress.  

I pulled back on work stuff last week, as I knew I was breaking down which was a huge relief.  But when I do that I often lose my focus on anything, and struggle to maintain routine, look after myself properly, stop communicating with the people I love and generally start to go inward.  I am very self aware so I can see these things coming, but still have not quite managed to stop the routine that gets me to the place where I overwork and burnout. But I think that is a bigger question about what I should be doing in the future in terms of my career and moving forwards.  

I had counselling yesterday for the first time since March - the longest break I have taken for years.  I knew I had to reengage asap, as there has been so much happening and I could feel old habits and thought patterns coming in.  It was lovely to see my counsellor, she is fantastic.   When I talked out loud for the first time about all the stuff that had been happening, I could feel the energy pouring out of my body.  I am tired of having to battle everything, everyone and be brave and strong when sometimes, I just want someone else to look after me.  So I went home and got straight into bed, I cut off from the world and I hibernated for 24 hours and I slept and when I did not sleep, I stared out of my window watching my tree move in the storms.  

I am going to allow myself that little blip.  It is normal.  But this afternoon I am going to force myself to have some lunch and then, inspired by a friend, I am going to go down the beach and feel the familiar crunch of the pebbles under my feet and look at the stormy seas.  

At the moment, my focus is to just put one foot in front of another, and hope that this all passes soon.  Sorry not a cheery one today. Keep on keeping on 

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Turning a corner, but avoiding the mirrors

Things have started to improve, my lungs feel like they are healing and the tiniest bit of exercise does not seem to knock me off my feet for a couple of days with exhaustion. I have been experimenting with walking, swimming, yoga, ballet and cycling, just little bits here and there and it is working. I have started to feel more like myself again and more importantly for the first time since last October, I want to exercise again.

I have been reducing my antidepressants down. I was put on a maximum dose 6 months ago, which flattened me, I piled on the weight and was just generally exhausted all the time. I knew something had to change, as actually the mental health impact of how much I hated the way I looked and felt was probably pulling me more down into Black Dog town. I am so much better mentally when I am physically fit, so having that off the table created a vicious cycle of self loathing. The reduction in meds has meant the fog has cleared and I feel like I can make better decisions about what I do, my routine, eating well, looking after myself better generally. Which brings me on to the main point of this blog, which is hard to write about..

I have always had body confidence issues, which I have blogged about in the past. Having been curvy since I was 9, made me nervous and lacking self confidence. Boys at school were mostly talking to my chest or taking the piss. Grown men were always chatting me up or saying inappropriate things. I will never forget the first time I went for a haircut on my own and the male hairdresser spent the entire time telling me I would have a great career as a page 3 model or porn star…I was 14. This just made me cover up more, wearing a combination of minimiser bras and swimming costumes under my school uniform.

Then I started to struggle with depression and the weight piled on. I would get better and lose it all…and then the beat goes on…. When I turned 30 I did something drastic about it and went on a VLCD and lost 6 stone. I felt amazing, was the most confident I have ever been and swore I would never go back. The problem with that was that it made me have a very strange relationship with food, to the point that I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. It was just not sustainable. But it suited my ‘all or nothing’ mindset which can get me into trouble.

As I hit 40 something clicked, lots of women I am around said the same thing. You kind of get the fuck it’s. I started to not care what people think so much, embrace the curves and wear what I want and actually that gave me a healthier relationship with my body. I started doing exercise I enjoyed - like cycling and that gave me the idea to do my virtual cycle across America for MIND. It gave me everything I needed - a perfect outlet, raising awareness of mental health issues whilst getting fit and listening to some kick ass music. But then COVID struck me, followed by Long COVID and I could not do it anymore and we come full cycle (pardon the pun) and here I am again, unhappy me my own skin but that is something I can control as I start to get well again, but it also led me to another thought process…

Today when I was swimming in the sea, I was thinking about why I post selfies and I think it is because my face is the only part of me I can just about cope with. I can control what people see, isn’t that terrible and fake? I don’t know?! Is it vain I don’t know? Do I need validation by others? What the fuck? Am I just leaning into what that hairdresser told me that I was only a pretty face and a good rack?!! What the hell is it all about?! Maybe I am attention seeking? I don’t know - but sometimes, I don’t feel like I really exist in the world, like when the photograph fades in Back To The Future. I don’t know but anyway that is an aside.

But what I do know is that me, as a whole, me out in the world, is just a nervous mess thinking people are judging me, saying I am the F word, that I am not good enough to be loved or cared about, not wanting to be seen with me. I know this is mostly me saying it to myself, I am my own worse enemy. I realised how bad my internal monologue was when I met up with a friend this week. I spent the whole time unhappy in my skin, feeling ugly, nervous and I cried when they left and immediately started to second guess what they thought about me. How ridiculous.

So what is my conclusion, exercise is everything to my mental health as is good nutrition, not crash diets and general routine. I need to start to talk to myself in a more positive way and stop needing validation. I cannot control other peoples thoughts about me, and nor should I try to second guess/ predict what they are thinking. I just need to be ok for me, get through each day and the good things and people will find me I am sure. So I just keep on keeping on…and yes I will bloody get to LA on my virtual bike tour.

I’m not sure how good this blog post is today, it is rambling and probably lacking structure, I will probably delete it. Laughing at the irony of the photo I posted to accompany it - what a fucking idiot I am!

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Trial by 280 characters

Some thoughts…

This is not a matter of a simple hashtag #BelieveWomen or #BelieveMen - because we should believe in who or what we want to believe. After all is that not part of what being a human is about? We should be encouraged to be free-thinkers - isn’t that what we are told from childhood - have your own opinion?

Using our brains, instincts, emotions and experiences to make decisions as we go about our day to day life, based on what we are presented with. Yes, some decisions are bad, some are really terrible, some are good - but we are all flawed and no one is perfect, no one.

Can you honestly say as you read this that you have never done or said something that has hurt someone? I can’t, I know that for sure, countless amounts of times. That doesn’t make it right. But, I also know as part of human nature we learn and become better people through this process...hopefully?!!!. We live with the regrets, we apologise, we get punished, we try to do better and repeat.

When you submit an opinion piece, tweet or story about someone else via social media, you immediately hand over the right to control the narrative and that is the risk that you take. That is your choice. You cannot take offence at people discussing your issue because that is what you have presented to them on a silver platter. You wanted trial by social media therefore the judge and jury is the whole platform - rather than 10 people in a room who are provided with a thorough case which has been thoroughly researched by both prosecution and defender.

Instead, anonymous voyeurs choose to immediately step behind their keyboard, and choose the fate of someone with just 280 characters and a gif of an angry cat. To the whole world. Is that a fair trial?

All involved, and anyone associated with them become open to abuse, trolls, abusive comments and much much more unsavoury stuff. The mental health/ psychological impact of this sort of bullying is very well documented and I do wonder what the outcome would be if the worst was to happen - I don’t want to even think about it. Whatever happened to #BeKind

When you put anything on social media. You want opinion, you want to have the issues you have raised to be heard. Yes, of course naturally you want everyone to agree with your viewpoint -but that will never be the case. Because everyone has different experiences to guide us with our thoughts and that is why they are OUR opinions - to own and live with - whether they are right or wrong. Just because there is a disagreement or there is debate - does not mean the world is against you, you are being bullied or being gaslit.  Plus isn’t healthy debate how the world goes round. 

So my point (finally, they all sigh), it is important to raise the issues of abuse but we need to have a more grounded and measured approach, otherwise we will never support the people that are affected in a meaningful way, in a safe space.  Because both victims and abusers require support, yes, I said it. Abusers need support too, what happens to them otherwise - they continue in their old ways, seeking the same old patterns or escalate to something worse. 

So maybe it is time to take a breath and really think before your type...do you know what your response could do? Would you want your words to be the reason somebody does not seek the help they need? 

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

‘My path is not meant to be a straight line...’

I am sorry - I feel like I have let you all down.  A complete mental health breakdown in October & a diagnosis of Long COVID in early January meant that I had to take a break and to be honest I have felt like a complete failure, ever since.

Not a day went by that I did not want to be on my bike, doing a stupid selfie, listening to music and posting utter rubbish about where I was in America, my mental health and stupid stuff.  

I loved that I had found my voice and was doing something I was passionate about talking about Mental health and raising money for MIND. I remembered and loved the feeling of progress, doing the stats and feeling like I was going somewhere and then it stopped - everything stopped.  And that is the real truth with mental health - sometimes the black dog comes into the room and seems to block the door for eternity - gnashing his teeth (I had a dog like that once.  I had to pee in a saucepan and missed a first date because he was so protective of my dads things which he had left outside the kitchen door and went down the pub - sorry some light relief there!!!).

I felt guilty but I also felt not ready - the ride, all the money donated, the goodwill - all weighed on my mind and actually became another rod to beat myself with.  I’m not very kind to myself at the best of times - so add that into the arsenal and I was really rocking the self loathing.   So now, I feel like I have peeped my head out of the fog, I cannot believe 4 months have just passed, I don’t really know where I have been - I didn’t like it there - so I hope to not go back anytime soon.  

But, I write all of that after I just completed a 5k cycle.  A few weeks ago, I could not even walk more than 5 minutes without getting out of breath.  This is progress, and for me it feels like a step closer to recovery.  The path is never straight forward and I guess this was what I originally started this whole thing for - to illustrate the day to day, the issues, the highs, the lows and the inbetweens.  So thank you for sticking along with me, I hope you continue to, because I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all the support and love, I have made so many friends along the way.  I hope that by me speaking my truth it will make others out there not feel so alone.  

My pledge today is I will complete this journey #GalunacyCheckYourHeadTour ,it won't be pretty, it won't be fast  but I WILL get it done, as this is my journey to complete.  

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Psychological vs physiological...the battle lines have been drawn.

So when I fell ill at the beginning of November 2021, everything pointed towards the old ‘Black dog’ rearing its ugly, yet familiar, head after a sustained period of stress, over-working and not taking caring of myself - I had burnt out. I was signed off work and told to rest. Fast forward to January 2022...

I am still signed off and things have really not improved...except I have a diagnosis - Long COVID. I have no positive test - but it is assumed that I contracted it mid-October when I started to feel cold/ flu-ey but ignored it and did not do a test, it felt like mild symptoms and I was run down anyway.   

I had not been face to face with a medical practitioner - for the obvious reasons.  But each time I spoke to someone it was basically, ‘this sounds like clinical depression/ burn out, we have been here before, lets up meds.’  However, this time it did not get better if anything it got worse - my moods got lower and darker and it started to feel like this time there was no light at the end of the tunnel - it all got pretty bleak in my head.  I could not work out why I was not turning a corner.  Days and months all seemed to drift into each other and I cannot believe it is nearly the end of January.  

During that period, it was mostly exhaustion but I was also very short of breath even when just sat down, having to take my inhaler regularly which I never had to do before, even when I was cycling for hours on end.  But I was also suffering from light sensitivity, all my childhood eczema came back, I could not walk more than 5 mins without getting out of breath and I was so confused.  I would walk into rooms and not know why I was there, put books in freezers, milk in the bathroom, I could not read books or concentrate on anything.  

I ignored all of this thinking I was just rundown and this is the rub, when you have a history of mental health issues it is so easy just to fall into that, it is easy for the medical practitioners and for me to say -  Im just depressed it will pass. So don’t avoid the physical symptoms, don’t dismiss them - make a list, speak to people close to you to see if they have noticed any changes and most of all trust your instincts.

I had to resign from my job, as I could not commit to when I was going to be well again. This was the biggest blow, with no job to go to I really started to panic but know I just have to get better - that is the most important thing. 

Last week, in frustration after going to the supermarket and struggling to breathe I called 111 for advice - they immediately called an ambulance (which really freaked me out!!!!) .  They were there in 20 minutes and stayed for an hour and a half (I think mostly as Filson was there and they were completely besotted with him).  They were incredible and I really cannot put into words how grateful I am for them - they talked everything through with me, said that I had done the right thing and it was very likely it was Long COVID.  Proceeded in calling my doctors on my behalf and making all sorts of appointments.  I am now on steroids, have a load more tests coming up and now focussing on getting better, Some days are good, some days I cannot get out of bed before 2pm and are bad but I take comfort in knowing that I have a diagnosis and my holistic head wants to just get better.   I am so thankful for all of you, my friends and family, colleagues who have sent me messages and love - I know so many I have not replied to yet, but I will and they all mean so much to me - you will never know how much.  

So here we go...another chapter...

Keep On Keeping On...and Spring is coming. 

#mental health #long covid #depression #anxiety #brainfog

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

Happy New Fear...it is just a day

(This is not a particularly happy read)

I fell into the trap again of putting everything on the end of the year.  Things will be better in the new year.  On the stroke of midnight, I will magically have all the answers for everything.  I would know what to do about my work situation, my mental health issues and anxiety will suddenly disappear, I will like myself again.  I will be refreshed and ready to go. New year, new me - or whatever the latest catchphrase is, that is being shoved down my throat, via a diet based sponsored post.

Well it does not really work like that does it? I am not sure why I thought in the space of the sun setting and rising again it would?  But we do don’t we?  All this expectation - perfect Christmas, perfect New Year - its just a perfect excuse to distract from what is really going on via sparkly lights, booze and ill advised life choices. 

2021 was a horrible year, for more reasons than I will ever share - I don’t think I have ever felt more lonely or stuck in a constant rotation of trying to sleep through life. The mental breakdown at the beginning of November due was a culmination of a lot of triggers and not putting my health and my mental health first - I knew what I was doing but I still kept doing it. But this is one of the longest lows I have had in over 15 years and it has scared me, I thought at 41 I would have my shit together and all of that would be a thing of the past.  Another massive myth - I don’t know many people with their shit together.

I have made poor choices - that have made me hate myself, trusted people I should never trust, put myself in danger again and again hoping that it will eventually cause my world to implode - taking the control out of my hands.  Self Destruction.  I know it is cowardly, and I am self aware enough to know that is the case.  I need to deal with it head on. All my life I have been terrified of upsetting people, letting them down, being shown as a victim.  I was always told that was a weakness or was intimidated so much that I was terrified to speak out in case I was going to be hurt mentally or physically - so my defence was to shut down and live in my head.  

I did this so much, that I don’t ever get what I want, say what I want - I don’t actually know what I want.  Actually...yes I do - I just want to be happy and content. I want to get up in the morning, work, have fun, see my friends, go to the cinema, dance at gigs, sing loudly, cuddle, kiss, feel things, talk for ages about rubbish, laugh and smile - I want to be the other Olivia who has disappeared.  

I am not ok.  I have moments when I think clearly and I know what I need to do. Which then is usually followed by huge crashes, overthinking, anxiety, exhaustion.  Just a general feeling like I am just existing but actually feeling like that bit in Back to The Future where the photo starts to fade.  Most of the time I actually don’t think I am really here. 

I met with my counsellor this morning, who is my lifeline, we sat on the beach while the waves crashed and talked.  I started to formulate some action points, a guide to get in touch with the world outside my head a bit:

Go outside everyday

Drink lots of water

Try to do a small amount of exercise, yoga, cycling but don’t make it anything more than a small amount.  (I am so all or nothing)

Write daily journal and gratitude list

Watch fun things on television

See the doctor 

See and connect with my friends more - whether by message, phone or face to face

Play piano

Work on a routine of sleep

So I keep on keeping on, and keep on passing the open windows.  I know I am not going to be magically better overnight, I have had a massive breakdown so I just need to take each day as it comes. I take the mini positives the amazing people who look out for me, and continue to message even though I struggle to reply - you all keep me going, even though you would never know it. 

Today, I am just grateful for being here and for being able to write (however badly)

#mental health #depression #anxiety #blog