jobackmanhorsesworld

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

Sharon Olds, from "Known to Be Left", Stag’s Leap

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

My brain when anyone looks at me:

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

This isn’t mine but I saw this on Reddit and it is so funny :,)

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

coming back to 3dblr after “recovery”

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[jobackmanhorsesworld]

#bpd #bpd things #borderline personality disorder #bpd thoughts #trauma #mentally fucked

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

When I go, I hope you think of me softly…

Sick to my stomach I fight the tears welling up inside me. There’s no one to blame but myself.

I hate what they’ve done, I hate what I’ve done, I hate who I am, I hate being alive.

My mind rewinds and erases memories that should never be forgotten, yet sticks to what could have been. Protection? Maybe. Annoying? Yes. Maybe daydreaming of what could have been is the only way to keep me sane, yet I find myself spiraling. every. time.

why am I still stuck on this. On you? Therapy, drugs, hospitalizations, medications, all proved useless to forget.

Suicide. I’ve attempted. But I’m always left with what if? What if one day you’ll change your mind. What if one day I see you again? Pathetic enough, those possibilities have kept me around. maybe I’ll change that.

“If one day, we have our own families, I’ll tell my children about you. My first love who I’ll never forget.” I’m gut wrenched.

Blades and all, I slash through your haunting memory. Blood seeps as I weep.

I lie across the steel, uncomfortable, but ready. All I have to do now is wait.

Thank you to everyone who is concerned. This is an old writing of mine and I’m in recovery. 💛

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

please can i cut, please? i need to feel okay again. i dont care if is only for a moment, i need to feel okay again.

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

how can you be so unphased by my absence in your life?

was i nothing to you from the start? was losing me like shedding excess hair, painless and freeing?

why are you okay without me? why am i the only one suffering?

#bpd #bpd things #borderline things #quiet borderline #abandoned #bpd friends #friendship breakups #actually borderline #friends hate me #alone again

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

and in the end, you became what i cried about instead of who i cried to.

#bpd #bpd things #friendship breakups #breakup #long term relationship #i miss you #i miss us #if i could go back in time #i would be better for u #you killed my spirit #i should hate you #but i just #want you to love me #i want to be loved #please love me

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

you tell me i matter so much to you, then why is it im so easily replaced?

#bpd #bpd things #borderline thoughts #actually borderline #actually bpd #bpd episode #borderline things

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

i’m so desperate for attention i think i may have a problem

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

A part of suicidal ideation or self harm no one talks about is the numbness to the subject that comes with it. I sit and scroll through pages and pages of cries for help, suicide notes and plans and feel nothing. No worry, no concern, no crushing feeling in my chest. Nothing. Those familiar feelings are now replaced with a strange familiarity, a kind of comfort that it’s not just me.

Fuck. When did it get to this

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

[jobackmanhorsesworld]

what it's like having an fp i think my ideal world would be just me and them. because that way nothing would change for me, but they'd know what it feels like. the closest literary comparison i could possibly make is the way basil feels about dorian in The Picture Of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, except this isn't romantic. is this romantic? i don't believe so, it transgresses that. i don't know if there's a word to describe how i feel about them, besides wholeheartedly. the way basil feels that he is entirely dominated by the existence of dorian, and that he is nothing if not fully and purely infatuated with him. i genuinely believe that there's not a thing they could ask of me that i wouldn't give them, or at the very least kill myself in an attempts to do so. i could be the most philosophically and academically inclined person in a room until they enter it, because then from that point forward i'm a child, desperate for the attention and affection i never received. i've carefully chosen the term "platonic intimacy" to describe this, the crave for such delicate interactions that i deny from everyone else. it doesn't matter who you are, if you try to hug me, or hold my hand, or any other form of gentle physical touch i will recoil, denying you the interaction. unless, that is, you're them. i will actively refuse verbal and physical comfort from anyone else under the sun, because i cannot, for even a second, let my guard down to accept said comfort. what if, in that second when my defenses are down, they recognize my vulnerability and attempt to cause me harm? that's why i refuse to be weak, unless it's with them. they wouldn't hurt me, and if they did, i deserve it and would feel the overwhelming need to end my life. i genuinely believe they wouldn't hurt me on purpose, but then again there's times their tone of voice changes, or their posture or their mood and it feels like my world is crashing down around me. what's wrong, darling? is it something i said? or maybe you don't like the way i said it? or is it the way i chose to do my makeup or my hair or dress today? please tell me what's upsetting you about me, so i can change it immediately so you'll love me more. please, just love me. a simple "love u" text instead of "i love you" feels like tiny daggers being injected into my bloodstream, making their way to my heart. i'd die for you, i'd live for you, my whole existence revolves around you, anything to make it not revolve around myself. no matter how hard i try to change it, my entire day is determined on how we interact. i could he having a great day, nothing bringing me down, but when i see you, you're distant and upset. you matter more to me than i do, please, just let me help. i'll make it better, i promise.