moldyrock

[moldyrock]

If I were L (well, first off I’d die, but assuming I didn’t), one of my plans, two weeks in or so, would be to assure Light that I was “99% certain”, “really, beyond any reasonable doubt” that he was not Kira. And then Light would ask, “L-kun, why the sudden change of heart?” And then I’d hit him with the “Don’t think you have it in you.” And he’d say, hopefully, naively, “I’m glad you’ve finally come around blah blah and have faith in the goodness of my heart blah blah.” And I’d say, “Intellectually.” 

And it definitely wouldn’t work or anything, but it’d be hilarious. He’d fume.

#tw death #death note #yeah i'd slip on like the first day and just perish #i'm too forgetful! i'd forget i was investigating him #and just! i don't know leave my real name when i went to order some dessert with him #although maybe he'd mindgame himself so hard he'd become convinced it wasn't my real name #why play chess when you can prop up a mirror

[moldyrock]

first three thoughts after eating meat:

1. sorry

2. vegans/vegetarians have such strong willpower

3. why wasn’t cannibalism more of a thing

#tw cannibalism #tw meat #? is that a thing?

[moldyrock]

mircowaving dirt! 

verdict: smells pretty good!

#i tried microwaving a stick and that caught on fire #the smoke smelled ok though #i think that stick smoldered for a few days hehe #surely surely THIS cannot possibly set off the fire alarm #why microwave dirt. you may ask - FOOLISHLY #microwave dirt to dry it and murder all the icky stuff that can be living in it #why dry dirt. you continue to ask #for succulents! i want to reset the water level in the dirt #also. it smells good #did you even read the post

[moldyrock]

(Heathers spoilers ahead)

So so so, in the movie, Veronica says, 

“Death gave Ram a brain, Kurt a soul, and Heather a heart. I’m beginning to wonder what it could give me.” (Or something to that effect.) 

Which, as far as I know, didn’t make it into the musical, BUT in “Dead Gay Son”, there’s the lyric:

“They grab a mate/ and roller skate/ while Judy Garland sings!”

Why is that significant? Well, because Judy Garland played Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. She’s specifically name-dropped to maintain the Wizard of Oz reference! 

I’ve connected the dots. 

#heathers #heathers dead gay son #I am SO smart #unless we all knew this already #it's also in the same timeframe as the previous one #obviously the movie oz reference is objectively cooler and more thematic BUT i appreciate the effort #spoilers

[moldyrock]

“I’ll mimic his will/ and learn his routine/ and feel the same thrill/ and know what it means” is probably the most romantic line ever but but have we fully internalized how subtly dirty the lyric

“I’ll mimic his will/ and learn his routine/ and feel the same thrill/ whenever my end is served by his means” is???

Just....not to be have Victorian sensibilities but! Feeling a “thrill whenever my end” is...you know...accomplished by them? Boys? Is everyone else seeing this??

There’s a whole thing about plots and subplots and sacrifices and chess move analogies blah blah blah, but there’s also something deliciously dirty in there. About...mutual attractiveness and...returning the favor... 

#death note musical #yeah there's a death note musical #sexual humor #anyways i CANNOT believe BOTH these lines are somehow topped by the japanese version #which is MORE romantic and shippable. SOMEHOW #anyways back to that first line #''his happiness will become my happiness'' #that is...wedding vow level stuff...that's deathbed love reaffirmation level stuff #and that's not even getting to the actual wedding vow they sneaked in there #anyways. i started (and ended) the anime and entered the musical thinking ''light doesn't deserve l. i don't ship it'' #but these SONGS make me think ''but it's obvious that they WANT each other'' and i'd never want to deny l anything :( #it's a dreadful dilemma

[moldyrock]

So we’re not friends anymore. And that’s ok. Because I haven’t told you yet. 

We’re not friends anymore. But you’re still friends with all of my friends. And your birthday is awfully soon. And I already have your present ready. 

And we’re not friends anymore. But you don’t know yet. Maybe no one but me knows yet.

And if you can think we’re still friends, if everyone around me still thinks it, when I hate you (just a little bit) were we ever friends? Do I have any friends?

#or am i just a convenience they tolerate?

[moldyrock]

I don’t know what’s sacred to you anymore; I can’t tell where you draw your lines. It’s forced me to treat you as though you don’t have any.

#there's someone i want to stay friends with #but. i don't think i can stand them anymore #i don't think i can enjoy it anymore. i don't know what changed. i will mourn this forever. i never stop loving. i'll never tell you #and anyways. will they even notice? i keep having to tell myself. #it's not punishment. don't think of it as punishment. it's self preservation. how they experience it is of no concern #i really do want them to miss me too though. isn't that selfish? #i wish you'd leave me alone. i wish you'd be hurt by that. i wish i didn't want either of those things.

[moldyrock]

i don’t really know how to describe the extent to which the death note musical has taken over my headspace, but suffice to say, it has

#death note musical #yeah there's a death note musical #that exists #and it's not like it's the best musical i've experienced #heathers is ''objectively'' better and more likable and i like the songs better #but you know how 'i can fix him' mentality happens? #that's happening to me with this musical #there's just so much potential #i have a google doc with tables on it and it's formatted and everything #also also also it's so silly that they decided that light would be a ''hurricane'' #first of all. obvious (unintended) association with hamilton #second of all. SILLY his name is LIGHT! the metaphor is RIGHT THERE #WHY would you make his symbol/theme thingy a hurricane??? his NAME AHHHHHH #anyways the songs are pretty good but some of these lyrics are very nonsensical/clunky/out of character #10/10 (kidding. it's like an extremely enjoyable 7/10. needs more work) would recommend watching the anime first #hurricane (the song i just complained about) is stockholming me D:

[moldyrock]

i got one of levi’s daily chats and he’s such a cutie?? so wholesome? he’s my platonic fav and always will be

#downloaded om! and lost all of my braincells #he! spelled out luv u with his text! #what a little darling

[moldyrock]

my parents aren’t my friends. they never will be.

sometimes it feels like i have no friends. sometimes it only feels like i don’t deserve any. is guilt really better than despair?

#tw loneliness #tw self loathing #i feel condescending when i assume someone will read this #but if anyone does. i don't want to make you sad i want to make myself remember. #maybe guilt is better. when it's misplaced. #doesn't feel better though

[moldyrock]

Dead Dove: Do Not Eat

please don’t open this unless you’re sure (it’s not even good)

It was for me! It was supposed to be me!

I did, okay? I did ask. I wanted. shot in the stomach, in the lungs, when their car pulled back in. He was supposed to wait. It had to be in the house. I was supposed to die in her arms. I was supposed to hear ‘I love you’. It was supposed to be me. It was meant for me. 

I wanted to see them cry I wanted her to hold me I wanted to watch him fumble for 911 I wanted to see his hands shake I would have died to see the shock on their faces I would have loved it I wanted him to kill for it. It should have been me

I couldn’t let them know, you know, couldn’t be that disappointing. It had to seem like a robbery gone wrong. It would have been in the hallway. I was trying to stop them, I’d tell her, I couldn’t keep them out. She’d wipe my tears; I’d watch hers fall

I wanted it to be me, detective. Do you know what it feels like to hate yourself this much? Do you know what it feels like to love someone you sort of hate, to want to be loved by someone you sort of hate? Do you know what it feels like to want something you know you’ll have to die to get? 

Do you think they could have forgiven me? Do you? I know my parents. They blamed me for living! For daring to be their daughter and not success incarnate. I know they wouldn’t have forgiven me even after I died. 

but. 

i did hope that maybe they would have loved me for a few minutes. 

#tw suicide #tw violence #tw emotional neglect #tw gun #tw self loathing #jennifer pan #i don't believe her first confession #obviously #but. i can see the appeal of it #it's sort of blissful. i think. to not be able to see the appeal #i certainly don't want to #i'll keep her. i think. this little pebble of pain. this tiny resentment for what could have been #she'll stay here with me when i hurt. it's comforting to be dwarfed. it's comforting to stop pretending. #she really does feel like me. like we're both gloves but in the way where we're from different eras and for different things and for #different people and i can layer her over top of me. pretend for a while. and the fit isn't so wrong #she's a horrid glove. it makes me feel better about where i'm mistailored #taking her off is the relief. but. that time in the darkness inside. it's nice to pretend sometimes #even if you're pretending to be horrid glove #do you know what it feel like to hate yourself so much you sort of enjoy pretending to be a murderer? i didn't know i did

[moldyrock]

problems I anticipated but did nothing to resolve: with the masked outfit on, i have absolutely no idea where lucy’s face is nor what his hat counts as; i can’t see him blush anymore, and also where is his hair where is his hair where IS it? gosh DARN i missed it TWICE??? where is your hair, you old man! why do you want it ruffled so much if you keep HIDING it from me! how are you so TALL why is your hair all the way up THERE???? this is horrible! 

#downloaded om! and lost all of my braincells #i miss his smiles i miss his blushes :( #and ALSO i am apparently missing his hair which he tells me in no unclear terms every time i do it #no less than TWO of his interactions - of both highfive and normal - are to pet his hair #but he looks so GOOD! why must life be so hard #ahhhhhh i can't even see is pouty look when he says that there's something in the mail (because you'd have to leave him to check!!! AHHHH) #unmasked masked outfit when???? just have him hold it or something i don't care let me see his pretty face

[moldyrock]

you wanna know what kind of simp i am? well. lucy is my favorite, followed by mammon, followed (for a long time) by satan. let’s look at their seven rulers of hell card piece progress.

satan: 21/50

mammon: 38/50

lucifer: 46/50

.

.

...for his seventh level

#which is 346 pieces so far #ha. ha. ha............... #downloaded om! and lost all of my braincells #to be fair i want to 100% lucy's seven ruler's tree so i have a good reason #obey me!

[moldyrock]

today’s brainrot is....

Lucifer pulling mc close to him after he had to reschedule something (again) and mc grumbling into his dumb impractical coat, “let gbmpth meee” all pouty 

Lucifer obviously loosens his hold but says, “really?” 

And mc pulls their face out of his coat, and it’s a bit red from the heat and their embarrassment to say, “no!”

The “...you don’t hug me enough anyways...” is muttered into the coat again

So lucifer is late to the student council meeting because him and mc spent 10 minutes awkwardly cuddling (standing up) in the hallway

#downloaded om! and lost all of my braincells #it's more elegant in my head it's always better in my head #i've been thinking about lucy a lot more these past few days #als o i saw that picture of him asleep w/o his dumb coat on and i am hereby doubling down on that coat being dumb and impractical and horrid #and he should just go through life without it on anymore please #also mammon trying to get a picture of lucy asleep is doing the world a great service and i wish him the best in his mission

[moldyrock]

who are your favorite OM characters and has that ever changed? (#1 is Mammon rite?)

Mammon is definitely number one (۶ ᐛ )۶

Mammon is why I downloaded the game and why I still play it pretty much, he's v much at the heart of my whole ficverse and headcanons (and theories!).

The others have definitely changed places over time, some to quite an extreme degree. Lucifer was originally my second favourite, as I'm a fan of the concept of Lucifer, the historical figure, and it's always interesting seeing how differently he is written.

When I replayed the early lessons again though, once I knew I was writing a fic with Tabby, she hated him. A lot of aggro and fights, mostly over her wanting to protect Mammon. But then slowly, she started to soften towards him, and he helped her deal with some pretty deep issues she was having... her opinion shifted not to my original preference, but to him in an even higher esteem I think 👀

For the others, I liked Beel okay and found Levi kind of annoying. I ended up writing a lot of them in my fic and really ended up loving both of them a lot. Beel is such a strong rock, who sees far more than he ever lets on (his early conversation with Mammon in MC's bedroom is a good example) but as the lessons went on, he got put on the shelf a lot in game.

Levi gets a lot more to do in game, but as is the nature of this genre, his character progression is repeatedly reset and I know Levi fans have said his phone calls have zero romance in them which is bleh. But I gave him a whole backstory that expands on the crumbs we know, and forges his bonds with the two older brothers more strongly, as well as really underlining the strength and sacrifice required of him just to be there with his family 😭

Simeon is also a favourite of mine now and I'm so glad that season 3 gave him a lot to work with. After the first two seasons and his place as basically a spy, followed with the Event We Do Not Mention, I was feeling very sus of the angel.

But in season 3 we see just how much conflict and strife he is in, and get a much clearer look at his personality and priorities. There's a sadness that was missing before, and that makes his joy feel a lot more real.

~

Only other major change I think has perhaps been Satan... I've written some future fic with the three kids and they refer to Satan as their big brother. Which has definitely made me feel different about him. Like, I want to tell him to wrap up warm and not catch a cold 👀

Maybe that will change when I write more of his shortfic but otherwise its gonna be my first G rated fic!

#AHHHH his collar bones #i am such a simp i know i know #and i thought i freaked out about MAMMON in disheveled lucy clothes AHHHH #yeah turns out i just love this outfit in all its forms #his jawline... #his hair.... #yeah ok me ranking him first on looks was not because of bias #mammon was so RIGHT about how much a pic of sleeping lucy would sell for #i'd go into (obey me) debt for this photo #i have never felt such i need this on my blog for a post before #YES i am shallow shhhh #i am looking SO disrespectfully i'm sorry grandpa #he looks so peaceful but he's going to wake up with a (extra bad) neck cramp #and i really appreciate that we get to see his shoulders here; they're normally hidden by the coat

[moldyrock]

finally got lucy to 45!! old man finally at the correct age!

#obey me! #downloaded om! and lost all of my braincells #for reference. mammon is next highest at intimacy 37 #yes. there is something wrong with me. #i don't know why i simp for grandpa either!! #it's just...you know i had asmo on my homescreen once #he said ''isn't lucifer so handsome that your heart could just stop?'' (or something like that) #and i haven't been able to stop thinking about it since!! #so really it's asmo's fault! #(...although mammon in lucy's clothes - but DISHEVELED - is making me reconsider how exclusive this heart-stopping characteristic is)

[moldyrock]

the first step is to not panic

the second step is to figure out what you’re going to do now that you’re not panicking 

#tw mental health