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otter1962crystalball · 10 months

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News of rising hatred towards the LGBTQA+ community

This Sunday morning, I got up as I always do on Sundays, having a coffee and taking my time to start my day. I normally don’t listen to the news too much as it always contains so much unrest, hate, disasters and the like. Sadly, I didn’t follow my own advice this morning.

What I found was news about the racial unrest in France, the war in Ukraine, a mass shooting in Baltimore, Maryland in the States and so much more sadness. Closer to home here was news about a tornado in Alberta, forest fires, indigenous grave sites found, sexual harassment in the RCMP, and much more bleak news.

Aside from the natural disasters and climate change, what stood out was how humanity has been treating each other. What really jumped out at me was how there is a rise in hatred toward the LGBTQA+ community - around the world but especially here in Canada. I found the following:

Protesters counter-protesting pride events

Students stomping on pride flags

Hate slogans being screamed at our trans community

Trans students afraid to go to school due to the rise in hatred

A trans celebrity, Dan Mulvaney, being targeted after her advertisement for a bee company

A US Supreme Court allowing a Christian web designer to refuse service to a same-sex wedding

News of the stabbing in a University of Waterloo campus and how people are afraid to talk about the violence toward our community

Muslims in Ottawa schools refusing to go to school at the start of pride

A young Indigenous girl talking about using they/them and what she faced

The province of New Brunswick’s gender policy of not discussing gender issues in classrooms, where teachers are banned to use gender titles for students under 16

NB government calling gender dysphoria becoming popular among young people and the need to curb it.

A rural town in Ontario refusing to put up pride flags

A pride crosswalk painting defaced with black paint in Saanich, BC and Leduc, Alberta

Timmins, Ontario Pride celebration, along with many others in Canada celebration forced to include security costs due to anti-LGBTQ threats

Hate incidents in Alberta spiking - RCMP encouraging reporting of these incidents

Canada’s anti-LGBTQ movement emboldened by what is happening in the USA.

Continuing issues around drag queens reading to children

Sadly, I’m sure there are more that I missed.

Closer to home, the high school where my students go when moving to grade 10 was recently in the news where students stole the pride flag from the cafeteria and took it into the woods and burned it. The principal at my school was told by the district to take down the LGBTQ flag that I put up in our teaching pod. He was instructed to find a way to show it in some sort of enclosed box to protect it from being vandalized.

Even closer was when my publisher, FriesenPress put up a pride symbol on their website. I sent a message celebrating the release of my gay science fiction romance and thanked them for their support. I received homophobic slurs as a result. FriesenPress thankfully blocked those people and supported me.

I grew up in an environment where being gay was a dangerous thing. I faced hatred, taunting, harassment and some violence when I was in school. Since then, I’ve seen things change for the better since the 1970s. Now, it seems that things are going backwards and it frightens me.

In the next few blogs, I will be exploring what is going on around me. Your comments would be welcomed.

Carpe diem

#pride #hatred #worldevents #slurs

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otter1962crystalball · 11 months

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Stepping out of the Introvert/Extrovert Stereotype

What is the difference between an extrovert and an introvert? The Oxford Dictionary says an extrovert is a “lively and confident person who enjoys being with other people.” It also says that an introvert is a “quiet person who is more interested in their own thoughts and feelings than in spending time with other people.” I also discovered that there is such a thing as an ambivert who is “a person having characteristics of both extrovert and introvert.” So, which am I?

I am a person who enjoys being with others, but I am a bit hesitant because I have been afraid that if people knew the real me, they would reject me. Where on earth did I get this idea? As I child, I used to be very expressive. I talked about all sorts of things, expressed my feeling and shared my creative spurts with my family such as lip-synching to Mary Wilson songs. I guess that was a foreshadow of what was to come. Eat your heart out, Rupaul! I giggle when I think about that. As I write this, I am trying to hone in on when I lost the ability to do all of those things.

Right now I am contemplating how I lived a dual life. Inside I wanted to dress my sister’s Barbie in ken's clothes and vice versa. How about G.I Joe too? Boys didn’t play with dolls, right? As well, I used to love to sing and would do it in front of anyone. I stopped for some reason. I used to love playing ball against the wall games and skipping with the girls at school. All of that changed in grade 7 when a boy caught me glancing at him in the change room. Suddenly, I became a target for the next six years.

At that point, I think was the time when I went inside of myself and became what I call a fearful introvert. My definition doesn’t match the dictionary. I feel an introvert may enjoy the time alone with their own thoughts, but for me, as a gay child, it was a way of surviving. You needed to make yourself as small as possible, quiet as possible, or hide in the shadows. Today, I find myself nervous about talking to new people or coming up to a handsome man at a bar. There is always a fear that I won’t know what to talk about or the person would think that I am dull, strange or plain weird. Those ideas no longer fit who I am. So why am I still very afraid to go up to a person and introduce myself?

I don’t, in general, see myself as lively, unless I am animated about something that I find fascinating. You want to talk about cooking, gardening or Doctor Who then you’d love hanging out with me! If I am confident and lively then am I an extrovert? I don’t think so. I think that I have a lot of knowledge, creativity and interesting things inside me. Is there an innate fear that people will find me undesirable, a sissy, a bore or worse?

So I feel that I am stuck in the middle between introvert and extrovert. Until I found the word, I didn’t know of an ambivert. This is someone who has characteristics of both. So here is how I see myself… I want to be able to share who I am without worrying about those above assumptions. I want to be able to sing and dance like I did as a kid. I want to find happiness in being a creative person. In my head creative people were artists, dancers, singers et al. I never thought that being able to write is equally being creative. I am proud of writing my novel. It was an ultimate creative act. I’ve come a long way about worrying that someone may hate my writing. If they like it, great. If they don’t, then that’s no really my problem.

On the other side of this part about being an ambivert is that I am also fond of being alone with my thoughts - as long as I stay away from recalling past mistakes as an excuse to not even try to be outgoing. With in a minute or two, I can convince myself that I will be a failure if I try to do anything that I truly want to do because of past guilt. Even worse would be to have someone actually tell me that I am a failure. In reality, as long as I don’t go down the negative path, I can enjoy my thoughts, dreams and ambitions.

So here’s my take:

I am an ambivert who craves being in a crowd and be noticed with no worry that I will be seen as an idiot. I am starting to do this. I did it yesterday at a monthly get together of gay men here in Halifax. A friend told me that a table of men actually wanted to know who I was. I swallowed my fear and went up to them and introduced myself. It was so much fun! I know that if I see them again at the get together that I can join them.

I am an ambivert who wants to find joy in the things that I do on my own. I enjoy thinking about just about anything. I’ve come up with great ideas while cutting the lawn. The back and forth, the pushing and watching the uncut grass grow smaller and smaller is a meditative event. It makes me wonder whether Albert Einstein came up with the theory of relatively while cutting his lawn… Hey I am no Einstein, but I’m no idiot either. I’ve come up with many creative things and great ideas. A great example is coming up with a retirement plan that includes a train trip around Europe when I retire. Finn the dog would get to go too!

I am an ambivert who wants to run up to a cute guy and ask him if I can kiss him. Well, I’ve already done that - several times! It’s fun. I think there is a desire to get out there and share me and let them share who they are as well.

I am an ambivert who is becoming more and more confident with presenting who he is. I recently had a book launch where I sat in front a group of people and answered questions about my novel and read a part to them. It seemed so natural. I felt so good to be able to do that! I am still glowing about it.

I am an ambivert who wants to share all his dreams, desires and ideas with a special person who really wants to hear me. I know that I want to hear his too do the same.

I am an ambivert who now enjoys his alone time. I used to hate it because I didn’t know the difference between being lonely and being alone. I wrote a blog entry about this that you can check out if you like. I love sitting down at my computer and writing my novels. I want to write more short stories, poetry and scripts for short videos. I enjoy the quiet time while I do this. If my future boyfriend wants to sit and write or be creative at the same time, I say bring it on!

For the person who reads this, I want you to know that I’ve made major progress in the past two years. Hell, I can even tell you a fantasy about being one of the guests on Rupaul’s Drag Show who the queens must turn into their sister. I’d love to saunter down the catwalk and strut my stuff! In reality, I know the secret about putting on drag and being a different person. I already do that when I get into fetish wear. It allows me to be the inner self that craves to do all that stuff. I can strut my stuff in fetish wear. I did it at the last Bear Ball in Halifax. I wore rubber biker shorts with my butt hanging out the back. My friends and I were all in our own kind of drag and we had a blast. I wouldn't have done that a few years ago!

What a break though! I think that being an ambivert is very liberating. I get the best of both worlds. Hey world, I am an ambivert and I’m here, I’m queer and I want to strut. Get ready! It’s going to be fantastic!

Carpe diem, my friends!

#carpediem #beingme #selflove #introvert #extrovert #ambivert #getoverit!#you_talkin'_to_me

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otter1962crystalball · 1 year

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Dear Universe,

Hi, there wherever you are! I’m writing to you to ask you what is in store for me. You’ve sent me many messages and many lessons to learn. I’ve gotten through all of them and I am better for them.

I now love myself, care for myself and put myself first before attempting to help others. I’ve gotten through and let go of two narcissistic relationships. I have forgiven a drug addict who commandeered my basement and could have burned my house down cooking up crystal meth. I recently let go of a friendship that was not good for me even though the person who was a friend, became vile spewing unknown after being a friend for many years when I told them that the friendship wasn’t working. In addition, I’ve survived almost 40 years of HIV and got through colon cancer to now be in remission. I remain healthy at the age of 60, with a few minor injuries that are manageable.

I've come out of my shell and now have many friends that have helped reduce the loneliness. I am working on my road to retirement so that I may enjoy the rest of my life in comfort - doing all the things I had to set aside while just trying to survive. I can look back on all the children in school that I have helped - even though I never hear from them again. I hold a belief that they did come to understand the gifts that I was giving them and that I did make a difference.

I’ve published my first book and I am promoting it to the best of my ability. I’m almost finished the next one and hope it will be published next year. I’ve come to love the ability to be creative with words and relish the ability to create a whole new universe in which to play.

Recently, you sent me a man who seemed to be wonderful and perfect for me, who had said that he was amazed that I was such a kind, gentle, caring and loving man and that he was lucky to have me in his life. The next day, he went back to his narcissistic partner, leaving me to question why it happened. Universe, I know that his issues were his and that I gave him all the things he mentioned on the last day we communicated. When he left, I felt sad for a few days for myself and then realized that most of the sadness is about him and how he has no self-love or self-respect. I know that I dodged a bullet and am lucky I didn’t fall in love with him, only to see him leave me somewhere in the future. You sent me a man who was affected by narcissism and could not escape the narcissist's claws - even admitting to a friend that it was the wrong thing to do. It is different this time being an outsider looking into the world of narcissism that I have left behind.

Universe, I’ve been pondering on why you sent him to me. He seemed like someone who I could be comfortable and happy with - but only to find that he was an empty vessel - using me as a plaything until he decided whether he would go back to his partner. I do not hold anger toward him, but sadness knowing what he is facing is a demon that I have finally conquered. I understand it, but cannot be a caregiver to fix his life. He must do that himself.

I’ve learned so many lessons, so I wonder what lessons must I still learn before what I really want arrives: a man who loves me for who I am. Someone who is kind, loving and caring. He would be someone who would excite me and revive my belief that there is intimacy to be had with a man, whoever he is. I see so many other friends with someone and I am glad for them, even when I feel a little envious. I often wish on a star outside of Otter Cottage in a hope that he is out there somewhere.

Universe, there are days when I feel sorry for myself and want to think the old way that love will never come to me. You’ve taught me to think positively and raise my energetic attraction so that I may attract similar people into my life. Coaches, friends and acquaintances have all told me that what I think is what will come to be. If I think negatively, then negative things will come about. If I think positively, positive things will come about.

Universe, I ask you again, what lesson must I learn, what must I do, and how can I continue to hope that there will be someone out there for me? How can I hold my head up when I see people around me finally getting that special someone in their life and wonder why it hasn’t happened to me? A friend recently told me that I could pray to my guardian angels. Is that who you are? Are you the fates? Are you a supreme being that knows what is best for me? Do I have self-autonomy to create the world in which this future man will appear?

Universe, I feel it deep in my soul that I want someone to love and be loved. Can you send me a sign to let me know that I am not far off the mark? Do I need to learn more before you will allow that to happen? Please give me a sign!

Love Grant

#selflove #believe #believeinmyself #carpe diem #thriving #areyouthere

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otter1962crystalball · 1 year

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Seeking What the Universe is Sending Me

This is a follow-up to my last blog called “A Shocking About Face.” I’ve been dealing with the fallout of that situation. I’ve had these rather unsettling recursive thoughts about what happened. It’s almost like I’ve been in a state of shock. Ideas about how I did everything to be authentically me and yet it still went south. Now, here is what I want to write about - The Universe has sent me a message and as a result, many questions pop into my head.

Am I attracting people like this man for a reason? Was there something that I did to cause this? Was I unconsciously attracting another broken person to me? Is the Universe still telling me that I’m broken and that I need to find a fix in order to stop attracting broken people? Why is the narcissist situation coming up again? I wasn’t involved with the narcissist, but the man I was seeing has a narcissist controlling his life. Why did I attract this man? What did I do to continue this cycle of narcissism?

These are loaded questions and as I reflect on them, I’ve realized that the loss of this brief, yet passionate romance had a big effect on me. As a result, the loss has been magnified more than I expected.

A friend suggested that I get in touch with my inner child and ask him what he needs. I think that is a good idea so I sat and meditated on it. He’s wondering why these things keep happening over and over. He’s so very tired of experiencing sadness and loss. He wants to be loved and cared for instead of abused, ignored or dismissed. He wants to see something amazing happen to him to let him know that he is worth it and deserves to be on this Earth.

Am I attracting people like this man for a reason? My gut says that I long for someone who can give me as much love as I can give him. From all points of view, he looked like someone who was authentic as I was. The only problem is that he had a mask on and I couldn’t see under it.

Was there something that I did to cause this? I know in my heart that I truly do want to find someone who will love and respect me. Perhaps this is such a new situation about being authentic that puts me in unknown territory and don’t yet know my way.

Was I unconsciously attracting another broken person to me? There was a wish and prayer to meet someone authentic, loving, caring and able to be respectful of who I am as a person. This is where I go back to the question of why the Universe is sending this situation to me. What am I missing or not yet learned? This particular question remains unanswered. I truly have no answers at the moment.

Is the Universe still telling me that I’m broken and that I need to find a fix in order to stop attracting broken people? My God! I’ve done so much work to allow me to see that I am not broken! I had no clue that he was broken. I don’t have an extra sense to know that. Some of my friends do, but not me. Or maybe, I’ve not opened myself up to receive the messages. In my heart, I feel that I am not broken - I’m just a little heartbroken because I had three weeks of bliss, living in the belief that he really wanted to be with me.

Why is the narcissist situation coming up again? I’ve been through two major relationships with narcissists. You can refer to my other blogs for more reading. I can smell a narcissist a mile away. This time, the narcissist that got his claws into the man that I met. Without a doubt, he knew what he had to do to get the man to come back to him. What is the Universe asking me to consider in this situation? That I have to see the situation from another angle to better understand.

Why did I attract this man? What did I do to continue this cycle of narcissism?

This is a hard question. I’d like to think that he sensed that I was a man that would treat him with love, respect and care. If he sensed that, what did his ex-partner do to override that? It is probably due to the man’s inability to have self-love and self-esteem. I do know in my heart that it wasn’t my issue and that I was genuine and authentic. Is the Universe telling me something again? I do not know.

As I conclude, I am reflecting on the sadness that I feel. Yes, I do feel sad about my loss. He was wonderful to be with and made me very happy. I am also sad for him. As a caregiver, it is hard not to want to help someone. I know in my heart that I can’t help him and will not try.

I would really like some feedback. What are your feelings about this? Thank you for reading my blog.

Carpe diem.

#universe #selflove #questions #carpediem

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otter1962crystalball · 1 year

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A Shocking About Face

There come times when something happens that makes you really stop and think. It is a situation that totally threw me for a loop.

About a month ago, I connected with a man who had shown interest in me. I’ll use the name “Fred.” We hit it off immediately and we had a whirlwind romance for about three weeks. There was a lot of connection and I realized that I was being open and free for the first time in years. I’ve met guys and some of them wanted to date me. There was some sort of connection, but there was always something seemingly absent.

With this man, I found myself being totally me. I was laughing a lot, we spent several weekends together which was easy and very comfortable. I even found myself singing in front of him. That is something that never happens to me. There was a lot of joy, passion and sharing in learning about the other. It harkened to when I felt this feeling a long time ago, but it was different somehow.

Upon reflection, I am a different person now. I have worked through a lot of situations, traumas, heartbreaks, finding that I had picked the wrong guy, etc. I have learned that as a caregiver, I have to be careful that I don’t put myself into a situation where I am trying to help someone. I call it the broken wing syndrome. There was always this need to take care of someone else - especially those needing self-reflection and a better understanding of who they are as a person.

I’ve often written about my two narcissistic relations, which can be seen in my other blogs on Tumblr. I’ve come to know the characteristics and what to look out for before getting involved. I’ve had to end potential relationships because I knew they were narcissists. My friend Maddox always says that the universe will send you things that you need to learn about the most. I was unwittingly still attracting narcissists. I’d like to point out that I have met some wonderful men who were not, but there was a basic lack of connection to pursue a more long-term relationship. It is only this past year that I’ve stopped attracting them - because my outlook on myself is different. I now can say that I love myself.

With Fred, I knew instantly that he was not a narcissist. In fact, he seemed to be very genuine. He told me many times how beautiful I was, how sexy, how kind, how caring and so on. I found myself doing the same thing back and I felt amazing because I truly felt it. Fred might have the potential to be long-term, or so I thought.

We spent three weekends, two at my house and one at his. Each time was magical - full of fun, passion, intimacy and more. It was something that I hadn’t felt in more than twenty years.

Sure, I knew about his ex-partner because Fred spoke of him from time to time. He expressed certainty that he no longer wanted the relationship because the man (big surprise) was a narcissist. He even acknowledged that. In my group of friends, it was clear that he had escaped an abusive relationship. I think that my friends kept telling me how good of a match we were.

I repeatedly told Fred things to show him that I respected him and that he deserved to be respected and treated kindly - all the things that were lacking in that relationship. Anyway, we had planned to get together this past weekend and had plans for March Break together. Last Wednesday, he told me how beautiful I was on a video call. He had said several times that no one had ever treated him like this - it was so new and exciting. He was smiling, happy and excited about the coming two weekends. Then, it all changed as the axe fell.

On the next day, Thursday, I had an impulse to change the lyrics of a song and send it to him. The guys in my circle thought it was sweet and wonderful. However, the man didn’t respond at all - until later at night when he knew that I was going to bed. He told me, in a text that he would speak to me in the morning. So, I went to sleep looking forward to being with him because it was the Friday when he would arrive. Instead, he called me in tears saying that he was having problems with his self-esteem and that he needed the weekend to work it through. I told him to do what he needed to do. I sent a text later saying that I would be there and that I had left the door open. Later that day, I was at a gathering and I received a text from him telling me that he had decided to go back to his ex-partner. He expressed that everyone would be mad at him for doing it, yet he went ahead with it anyway. My heart dropped - I was in shock. Luckily, I had a friend there to support me. That friend had contacted Fred and he found that the ex-partner had called his family due to a death. His mother called saying that the ex still cared. So, Fred went back to his partner.

The sad thing was that he told my friend that everything that we shared was perfect. My friend asked him if his ex gave him any of that. He said no, but went back to him anyway. The ex had been hounding Fred to give it another go, but Fred said no and that he was enjoying the time with someone who treated him right (me). The ex somehow convinced him to go back to him. In reflection, the ex knew exactly how to hook him back in. I saw it immediately because I had experienced the same. The narcissist starts out charming so the man falls in love with him. Then once he has him, he starts treating him with disrespect and disdain. I heard that the ex had told Fred that he only tolerated him. Hence, the reason why Fred left his ex - was because he was starting to believe in himself. Then this happened and he is now back in the same situation. I doubt that he now believes in himself.

In reflection, I know that I will not grieve too long as the relationship was very short. What it did do for me was make me realize that I have the capability of being all the things that I showed him. If I did it once, I can do it again. I think that I am finally seeing the benefits of all the internal work I’ve done on myself in the past three years. Sure, I miss him and may for a while, but I know that I will be okay. The hard part is the sadness that I have for him because I know the situation having lived it. This time, I can’t be a caregiver. He needs to go through this himself - no one else can help him. He needs to help himself. Hopefully, he will learn the lesson about loving himself and taking care of himself first before he tries to do it with others. I truly hope that one day he will love himself enough to do what is right for him.

With that, I say “Carpe Diem” and move on.

#lessons #narcassists #innerwork #nomoreabuse #I'm me and I'm okay

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otter1962crystalball · 1 year

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What's Behind Door #1?

I’m sure that we all agree that it is fun to dream sometimes. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past couple of weeks. Some of these dreams are a little out there, but hey, that’s why we call them dreams…

I’ve been dreaming of a time when money wouldn’t be an issue for me. Everyone is struggling right now. There are people out there who can’t pay their bills or get enough food on the table. There are others who have had to sell everything to just survive. I have this recurring dream that I will wake up and the lottery ticket that I bought will be lucky and have me hit the jackpot. I’m dreaming here, really I am. I realize the probability of winning the LotoMax or Lotto 649 here in Canada. I checked and the odds of winning LotoMax is a staggering 33,294,800 to 1 and lotto 649 is 1 in 13.9 million… So, it’s a dream. So why do I keep buying tickets? I do so because my money is tight too. I live in a home that was meant for two people’s wages. I’ve hung on to it and will continue. My poor old truck died two years ago and I had to buy a new (used) car… There are always a bunch of expenses…

I dream about travelling the world. I think that I stand a better chance with this one. If I can manage to retire comfortably, then I can probably travel on a regular basis. I dream about going to Australia, New Zealand, South America, Japan and Norway. I’d love to explore the UK and follow the path of my ancestors, the Vikings. By the way, they have the bad rap of being pillagers and rapists and murderers. Not that different from any cultures. There were a lot of bloody situations. I digress though. The Vikings were actually excellent farmers and once they settled in England, they calmed down. There are a ton of references to the Vikings in English history, so I’d love to pursue it.

I’ve had several long term relationships with me. Some of them were actually very fulfilling and non dysfunctional. I’ve written about my former marriage to a raging narcissist so I won’t go into that, the one that followed my ex husband, who turned out to be more of a narcissist than my ex husband. Live and learn they say. It brings up the question of what would I want in a relationship?

We all dream of our white knight on a horse. There were times when I settled on someone who was breathing… All humour aside, I felt that any attention was attention at least. I allowed a lot of nonsense to go on in some of my relationships, in which I played a part. Nonetheless, I have this little dream about meeting a man at my age. So, what would he be like?

Above all, he would have a good head on his shoulders and he would able to realize what I’ve spent years learning - to take care of oneself first in order to allow someone into your life. Secondly, he would be happy to receive me the way that I am - my quirks, my injuries, my snoring and loud disco music sessions as I make dinner. Ultimately, I want a man who will not want to change me. I would honour him in the same way: accept him for who he is. I don’t think it is too much to want to find a man who loves to smile, loves to have fun and isn’t afraid to show his emotions. I do cry at certain times at the movies and on Netflix. I don’t often get the change for someone to see that though. So, if he cries at sad and moving movies, great. Maybe it’ll loosen me up enough to do the same. I’d like someone who wants to experiment with life and get out and do things that are just wishes - like skydiving or climbing Kilimanjaro. They don’t even have to be that grandiose. I’d be happy to get up at a karaoke and actually sing in front of people or learn to dance like no one is watching. Someone who has the desire to seek these things out would make me very happy. By the way, if he were to like to sit on the couch and watch science fiction or whatever would be nice too.

My good friend, Maddox, who has a podcast called “The Authentic Gay Man Podcast,” told me that if we believe that it is possible then one day it will happen. He says that if we emit high positive energy, we are more likely to meet people the same as me. So, I have worked on my energetic attraction and learned a lot about myself. I think that it has enabled me to see that there will be someone out there for me and that it could happen at anytime. Tell you what, if it does happen, I will write a blog entry about it. I think I will title it, “Door 1, Door 2, or Door 3? He’ll be behind Door 1!

Carpe diem!

#dreaming #dreambig #theperfectman #whynot?

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otter1962crystalball · 1 year

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"Memories"

Today I went through three tubs of memorabilia. They were in a closet in my guest room at Otter Cottage. I’d thrown everything into those tubs so that they could be out of sight or to be kept safe. As I was sorting the things in those tubs, I came across a lot of amazing memories, fun ones, tragic ones and downright sad. I’d like to go through the categories in which I sorted all of this stuff.

I finally organized all of the pictures of my four amazing and beautiful nieces. The pictures ranged from at birth to recent and I was struck at how much they have grown and matured. I laughed with joy when I pulled out drawings from my youngest niece, Kiera. My brother and his family brought back a lot of memories when I looked at these photos. I felt regret for having exiled myself in the early 80’s because I was coming to terms with my sexuality and parental problems related to the situation.

Another pile really hit home for me. There were pictures of me ranging from me as a child to recent events. I’d forgotten how much hair I used to have; it went down to my shoulders in high school. There were pictures of me before seroconverting and many of me afterwards. In some of early HIV+ times, I looked very gaunt and sickly. Those were the times before any medications. Then there were the pictures of past partners and my ex husband. It made me realize when I looked at them, it was the first time I had let go of all the anger from each of them. I also realized that dealing with my side of all of those relationships has helped. Recognizing codependence has helped me see the role that I played in those partnerships.

There did remain, however, a lot of good memories. Finally there really isn’t a desire to hide them. Now I can look back on them and treasure them. Even my narcissistic ex husband was included in those good memories. I had pushed all of them deep down inside. I was struck by the number of cards Henry had sent me were he said that he loved me. Rather, I held onto the memory I’d forgotten that he never once gave me flowers. I let that one bad memory override the good ones.

My partner, Dean, was one who my family never met. It was during a time when I had backed away from my family due to long forgotten squabbles. I read some of his poems that he had written to me and a pile of notes that he wrote to me. It reminded me that he wrote to me almost every day. Dean became addicted to crystal meth and later heroin and died in the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver. I projected that if he hadn’t started the drugs, we might have still been together. Who knows? As I went through the letters and poems I felt a strong sense of sadness. He was such a humble man until the drugs took over. I miss him.

Another pile I sorted were all of the travel brochures and theatre play bills. There were brochures all over Canada, the United States, Mexico, London, countries in the Baltics and from Thailand. I had tossed them into a bin because I didn’t have the heart to throw them away. The memories attached to them were also attached to previous partners, A little voice said, “Hang on to them! You may want to look at them again one day when the hurt and the anger doesn’t spring up when you look at them.” I’m glad that I did. There are a lot of wonderful memories contained in those brochures that I can now enjoy.

Another pile consisted of cards and letters came from past students. There were so many handmade cards from students that I still remember. A lot of the letters and cards talked about how I had made a difference to a child. It made me sad that in my later years of teaching, there seems to be less and less acknowledgement of what I’ve done as a teacher. It made me sad because the times of where teachers were appreciated then are now where I receive a point of the accusation finger. .What don’t you do for son or daughter, they seem to say. There are fewer cards coming to me now. It made me think that maybe I am becoming jaded as a teacher. Do they still care about what I do in the classroom? I don’t really know.

The final pile was composed of trinkets, souvenirs and miscellaneous memories. One that really made me sad was finding Lada’s dog tag. She was a part of my family for ten years and passed away in 2014. All of those trinkets went into a tub together as there really ins’t a place to put them in Otter Cottage. Where would I put leis from Hawaii made of shells or little bear keychains that an ex gave me?

This act of going through things has been added to something that has been on my mind for the last few weeks. I’ve come to see that I’ve lived 60 years and there are a ton of memories. There are a few regrets too, but maybe I’ll save that for another blog. I realized that I am now a senior and those days of washboard abdominals and massive muscles are gone along with my hair. I am now grey, have wrinkles and look very different from what I did in my hay day. Injuries have also dragged me down.

By the way, I came across a vision board that I had created in 2020. Some of the things did come to pass - I have Finn, the Border Collie and I am planning for retirement (possible at the end of this school year). I’ve also been looking at my bucket list to see which ones I can accomplish before time catches up with me.

I feel like I have stood at the beginning of the two roads that Robert Frost mentioned in his poem. Many a time I have taken the one less travelled. Now, I am now at the latest fork in the road. Do I look back at my life with regret and sadness over who I was, what I did wrong or how I was mean to someone? Should I look forward to what I will become in these latter years of life? I’m going to take the latter.

Carpe Diem!

#memories #older #older gay man #carpe diem #look forward not backward #dealing with aging #surving #thriving

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otter1962crystalball · 1 year

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Alone versus Lonely

I was reflecting on my past relationships recently and it struck me that up until recently, I spent most of my adult life in relationships. I’ve had four that lasted five years and one that lasted six. I’ve had a couple that lasted two years as well.

My last relationship ended at the turn of 2018 into 2019. I’ve already written about how 2019 was the year of being alone and also having to deal with my colon cancer. I’ve written about that in the past in other blogs so I won’t go into great detail about it.

When the relationship ended in the first week of January, I was left with a bad taste in my mouth. I was trying to figure out what exactly went wrong with that relationship. As usual, I blamed myself for it. I made a couple of mistakes and upon reflection, it didn’t seem like that would be enough to end a relationship. The realization was that a pattern was emerging after my marriage and the subsequent relationship. What I couldn’t do was figure it out.

In 2019, amid my cancer, I had a visit from a man with whom I had been communicating. He arrived and we hit it off and we’ve since become fast and firm friends. We had things in common and we both were at ease with each other. Knowing that he was married and in an open relationship was okay for me. I knew that there would be nothing more than being friends with benefits and I was cool with that. He filled a void during a time when I turned to my local friends and found there was no support. It made me think that I needed to re-evaluate my beliefs about being alone and lonely. What was the difference?

There can be good and bad “alone” situations. The cancer one was hard. The loss of the relationship was hard. There were times when being alone in my house and doing the things that I wanted to do was “good” alone. I’d like to add that during the bad alone times, the loneliness came to a head. I’m now of the mind that being lonely can be a state in bad situations or just day-to-day situations. I’ve talked to my friend I mentioned in the previous paragraph about those times when I sometimes crawl into bed and feel a sense of loneliness. He said that this was normal and that we all feel it from time to time. To me, though, it was different because he had a partner and many friends surrounding him. Just to be clear, I wasn’t envious of his situation. It made me ask myself what I could be doing to be in a similar situation. I didn’t have an answer.

At the end of 2019, I took a risk and flew to Palm Springs to be with someone over Christmas. It cost a lot of money to fly there only to find the guy had started to see someone and failed to tell me until the second day after I arrived. It screwed with my cancer medication too as I was stressed out. I was subsequently rescued by a friend of the friend I mentioned before. I flew to Washington DC and spent Christmas there with this new friend. He later joined me here in Nova Scotia and was present when I finished my cancer treatments. We agreed to see each other during March Break when I was going to travel to DC to spend time with him. Then, COVID hit.

My flight was cancelled of course. I then went into teaching online and being isolated from everyone. This doesn’t make me unique by any means. What the isolation did was push me to do some deep spiritual work on my inner self.

It was hard work, but I got through it with a better sense of who I was and what I wanted to do. I learned the difference between being alone and being lonely. I spent that summer alone for the whole time. I was feeling less lonely and accepting the good part of being alone. Even when Parker, my dog, passed away in June of 2020 I faced being alone again without him. Yes, I missed him, but I realized that I would go on and that life does too. If I hadn’t done all that inner work, Parker’s loss would have hit me much harder.

So, getting back to the difference between being alone and lonely is quite simple: loneliness is a state of mind. Being alone is a physical state. I was alone, but that was okay. When loneliness crept in, I would talk about it with friends.

After being in five long-term relationships, this was the first time when I considered being alone and how it would affect me. I am still single four years later. Sure, I sometimes feel lonely, but it doesn’t last. I find ways of being more outgoing, which has been a big switch for me. I am also in the market for a relationship and have made attempts at meeting other men to varying degrees of success. As an aside, I’ve had to tell a few narcissists to take a hike! Those last two relationships showed me what narcissists can do to a caregiver like me. I’ve also worked through my codependence with the past two narcissists. As to what is happening today, I’ve met a guy that I find fascinating. We share a lot in common, but we are a distance apart. I’d love to get to meet him and hopefully we will. In the meantime, I rest easy knowing that being alone is not the same as being lonely.

A state of mind is something I can change. I can use my inner work to continue with all my plans and not let loneliness creep in for a too long period. I have a lot going on right now and there is little time for loneliness: a new puppy, a novel almost published and the second one 2/3 finished. I have retirement plans in progress and a lot of new friends to hang out with. My life is full, but I can rest easy knowing that I still have some room to love someone who will be right for me.

Let’s see what happens!

Carpe Diem.

#getting older #a #surviving cancer #being alone #loneliness #I'm okay

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otter1962crystalball · 2 years

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If only you knew…

The title jumped out of a discussion with a friend recently. The idea is that if a person were to know me, would they like me or ditch me? So before I start, I acknowledge that what other people think of me is none of my business. Rather, I’d like to put out all the things I’ve always been worried about sharing for fear of losing someone.

A lot of people know me as the guy who weighs 200+ pounds, lifts weights and exercises a lot. They also know that I am an author who is soon to publish a novel. Some people know that I live alone in Otter Cottage in Nova Scotia and have been single for 4 years now. It is also common knowledge that I am a French Immersion teacher. There are a lot of things that people don’t necessarily know about me…So here goes.

If only you knew that I have difficulty looking at myself in the mirror. I am currently afraid of losing my weight-lifting ability. I wrote a blog entry in this blog about it. I have weight-lifted most of my life and keeping my body in shape has been a major part of my life. Granted, I did it for validation when I was younger - usually through hookups or seeking out boyfriends or partners. For many years now, I have used weights as a personal self-esteem builder. That leads to the next statement.

If only you knew that I used to solely depend on my ability to look good. I needed external validation to feel good about myself. Sure, when I was young, I used my looks to be noticed. I never did it in vain, just hoping that guys would find me attractive and want to sleep with me.

If only you knew that I have a secret desire to be an artist with a paintbrush or a pen. I’ve always envied those who could draw and design works of art. I always felt that I was creative with writing or perhaps the occasional photograph that looks nice, but I sometimes feel that I lack real talent.

If only you knew how many times I’ve had to get up after being knocked down by life circumstances. In some of them, I played a role, but others are just blind circumstances. Sometimes I send a thought out to the universe and ask why? Did I somehow unconsciously wish these things on myself?

If only you knew that all the things that I did in my life of which I am not proud, sometimes come back to me in a tsunami of guilt that makes me question if I am a good person or not.

If only you knew that underneath my exterior is a highly sensitive person that often feels the emotions of others around me. When people say hurtful things or say something unwittingly that may hurt, I find it takes a toll on me. It has caused me to build up a wall in the past. I’ve been trying to pull it down for the past four years…

If only you knew how the plight of animals in this world hurts me deeply. I am especially horrified when I see or hear of pets being abused. It pains me to my core. I am aware of animals when I eat meat. I’ve tried to cut it down to a minimum. I wish, as a weight-lifter, that I could find other ways to get all the protein that I need from plants.

If only you knew how I fear the end of my life - that I may never get to do all the things that I wanted to do and to contribute to the world. It is especially something that as an HIV+ person, I’ve worried about because I spent so many years just surviving instead of living.

If only you knew that I love things that those who consider themselves as masculine might define as feminine. I love to birdwatch. I love flower gardens and I enjoy experimenting in the kitchen.

If you only knew that I have let a lot of people walk all over me. No more accusing me of cheating in D and D. No more trying to charm me so that you can waltz in and try to change me for your liking. No more narcissists need to apply!

I am me. I accept me. If you don’t, get lost!

#I'm me #no more #Carpe diem

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otter1962crystalball · 2 years

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Ponderings about retirement homes

Yesterday, I saw my mother for the first time since her stroke. On Monday, I flew from Halifax to Toronto and took the train to Trenton. I had to take compassionate days from school to see her. Both my brother and sister had warned me about her decline. I prepared myself and went to see her. It wasn’t a real surprise that she was quite frail and that she talked a lot less than she had the last time that I saw her in the summer of 2021.

As I write this, I am in Stirling, Ontario, Canada staying with my brother and his wife. They have both been amazing hosts and have been very supportive about discussing my mother. We are all in agreement that she is being well taken care of and that all that needs to be done is being done. She is in good hands.

So, what am I writing about today? It was about my reaction to being in the home where my mother lives. There is no doubt that everyone is well taken care of. They are fed, clothed, and have activities based on their current abilities. For example, my mother sort of reads the newspaper. It is unclear how much she absorbs. She used to be an avid reader, finishing at least a book a week. She also used to colour a lot to help with her coordination. Now she does very little and I wonder if she is mentally stimulated or not.

As I sat there with my mother and tried to say things to her that were meaningful, I was struck at how hard it was to communicate with her. I’ve been told that I can be hard to talk to as I often listen a lot more than I talk when in group settings. The difference is that I do not have dementia as my mother does. I can be a little inept at talking in group settings. I have a lot to say, but always struggle to find a balance between what others want to talk about and what I do… I’ve always struggled with the thought that people don’t want to hear what I have to say. I know that this is not true, but a vestige of the old me that I am currently working to cast out of my life.

Anyway, I told her about my vacation, showed her some pictures of the trip, talked to her about the recent hurricane that went through Nova Scotia and about the family. In between that, there was a lot of silence. Again, it made me wonder if I do that when I am in a group setting. I struggled to find things to talk about. I talked about the weather, the decorations the home had put up for fall, the flowers she got for her birthday and how well my four nieces are doing in their lives. All the while, my mother just sat there and didn’t engage. I would put my hand on her arm as I spoke, so she knew that I was there. An attendant gave me a bottle of Ensure to help my mother drink. It was the first time that I had helped my mother do something that she had a problem doing herself. It made me think of how I’ve come full circle. She used to help me with a lot of things like drinking out of a straw for the first time, learning to tie my shoe and much more. Now, I see my mother in her current state, it is very hard to bear.

I lost my father in 2017. When he passed, he was 85 pounds. In his prime, he looked like I do. It was hard to see his decline. He also passed away before I had a chance to visit him. I took time off to go to the funeral and was glad to be there to see the entire family as we celebrated his life. We spread his ashes a year later with my brother, my nieces and my sister. Mother couldn’t be there as she was in the rest home. I remember showing my family my Viking tattoo that I had made in my father’s honour. He was part Norwegian and I am also part Viking as he was.

Then, in 2020 the same week that my beloved dog, Parker died, my older brother did too. He was out on a service call and had a massive heart attack and died on the spot. He was a heavy smoker and drinker. As a result, he didn’t take care of himself. As well, it didn’t help that I was estranged from him due to family issues years ago around his drinking addiction. So, I never go to say goodbye to him either.

So here I am with looking at my mother’s health and it makes me think about my mortality. The thing that struck me as I watched the people in the home was how they sit around in their wheelchairs and just sleep. It makes me wonder if they sleep because they are bored. I spoke to a man today because he sat there smiling while I was visiting my mother. So, I said hello and spent a bit of time chatting with him. I know that he enjoyed it.

So here is where my thoughts went as a result of my trip to my mother’s care home: How would I handle that situation if I were that man in the wheelchair? I am fairly certain that anyone reading this has already considered the thought of what it would be like. The thought that instantly came to mind is that I wouldn’t want to be in that situation. It brings up all sorts of questions about the right to life or death, of not being able to make your own decisions and also how potentially lonely and devastating it might be to live that way. It also brings up the issue of mobility too, which has recently come up for me due to past injuries.

As I close, the question that comes to mind is whether I have lived my life to its fullest. I think that my favourite saying of “Carpe Diem” fits well here. I need to seize the day and do the things that are important to me. I still have time left on this earth and I should start allowing myself the right to think about what I want to do as I consider my retirement. So, carpe diem, everyone! Next time, I’ll share some of the things that I want to accomplish in the next few years.

September 28, 2022

#getting older #retirement #changes coming

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otter1962crystalball · 2 years

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An Injury that has set me back...

September 9, 2022.

I started back at school this week. It may well be my last year teaching as I will turn 60 at the end of December. I began this blog because my life is changing. I believe that is heading in the right direction.

This is my third blog about my life journeys. I know that there are going to be some positive things to write about as well as bad. I think that I shall endeavour to temper the balance between the two.

I’m sitting here staring at the computer screen and trying to figure out what it is that I want to share.

The thing that comes to mind is an injury that has hit me hard and made my self-esteem suffer. If I were to look at pre-injury pictures, I would see my chest about two inches bigger. Last year, I tore my right pectoral. It was a bit of a surprise as it didn’t hurt when it happened.

Now, when I lift my right arm, my pectoral muscle moves over towards my arm. It looks really odd and I find the sensation a little disconcerting. It aches too.

I know that there are gay men out there who would tell me to stop complaining and be happy with what I’ve got. It’s not so much as what I look like now but how I feel about it. I’ve always weigh-lifted for myself before all else. I did my share of posing when I was younger. However, since I got over my cancer and then dealt with COVID and now this injury, I feel like my body has taken a beating and it has affected my self-esteem.

So now is when I cue the nay-sayers. There would be the person projecting their crap on me when they say that I should be happy with what I got. They tell me this because there is often something in them that makes them want to project their issues onto me. Well, they can go ahead and say that. If they have body dysmorphia, I’d turn around and say I am talking about suffering from a loss of mobility and the ability to train my chest. It is not really about vanity and the need for validation.

I’ve been a weightlifter since 1980 and it has been an important activity for me. To lose some of that is heartbreaking. It’s like when I tore my Achilles Tendon in 2017. I’m not able to push my legs like I used to. I would also not be able to teach all my old classes like Kickboxing, Bootcamp, Spin Classes, step, aerobics, etc. That saddened me too.

So, I guess the issue is dealing with the loss of the things that I used to hold close to my heart - getting major cardio workouts, powerlifting and more. Is it permanent? I don’t know at this point.

So, here is what I am doing about this chest injury. I had an MRI and I am waiting to hear from my family doctor and a surgeon. I may be up against a healthcare system in Nova Scotia that may tell me that they can’t operate. I’ve researched the operation and it is done quite a bit in the USA and elsewhere in Canada. I may have to pay a large amount to have the operation. I just don’t know at this time.

Another thing I am doing is not getting down on myself. I see so many people on FaceBook and elsewhere who are so bloody negative. I don’t want to sound like that. I am looking for positive things and writing this blog is a start.

I couldn’t find an example photograph, so I am going outside my comfort zone and including two pictures of myself. One standing with my arm down and one with my right arm up where you can see how the right pectoral muscle has moved over to the right. Showing these pictures really makes me feel vulnerable. The pictures for some reason are a little distorted in Tumblr, but you get the ideas of what I am facing.

I’ll be posting more information when I know more from the surgeon.

Carpe diem!

PS. I got this really great response from my friend, Barry, after he read my post:

Was reading a bit of your blog tonight. I guess as a contemporary your thoughts resonate. Reaching that age where we start thinking of our mortality, of mourning the loss of things we embraced so strongly and really made them a part of how we view ourselves. Their passing is a loss of part of how we see ourselves. So hard yet I realized as writing this that it’s a blessing. A chance to FINALLY experience and know our true selves. It’s hard on ego too. Suddenly we cannot rely on muscle as a part of how we present ourselves (and it was SO successful) but now we need to find new ways to attract light. This time I think it will be much more authentic and MUCH BRIGHTER. Your time (and mine too I hope) is still ahead as we recreate ourselves.

#health & fitness #self esteem #What next?#getting older

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