papercherries

[papercherries]

I recently took a trip to my hometown to pick up my cat. I ended up staying for a couple days because my family was having a small dinner, nothing fancy. Usually when I go to my hometown, I'm very bored. There's not a whole lot to do in my hometown, especially since all my friends were away also. I should've brought my laptop or switch because I only brought two books, Don Quixote and Against Interpretation and I couldn't read for more than 3 hours at a time. I also wasn't in the mood to watch a film. So, usually I am very bored. I mostly play guitar or more recently banjo. I scream and shout at the top of my lungs, which I imagine must annoy the neighbours but they have never complained. Obviously, I perform these two acts together.

But I also spend a lot of time thinking, as I also cannot sleep in my hometown. It's too quiet and my pillows are too hard. So, I spend a lot of time thinking. Why am I the way I am? Why am I the queer one in my family? (besides certain exceptions). Why am I the empathetic one? Why am I so radically different from everyone else in my family? Not a single person in my family has ever pursued an art, besides wedding photography. I was raised in the same environment, went to the same schools, taught the same ideals. Mind you, I had different friends and I was definitely involved in different social spaces but even then I am quite different from my old friends.

I always realise, my hometown is full of cynicism and pessimism. I was also full of these qualities when I lived there. I wouldn't say people are unhappy there, (though some obviously are) I would say they're sick. It's reeks of post-Thatcherite depression, but unlike other areas where they've built up from this, the town has stagnated. People are born there, they move around a little, they move back, then they die in the same hospital they were born in. I can't imagine a more depressing fate. Everyone wants to escape, lots end up returning because it's all they know. Ironically, it's an migrant town. Everyone who lives there isn't from there, at least originally. Mostly Scottish people, but over the last twenty years, lots of people migrated from Eastern Europe. I wonder why they chose the town. I know why the Scots chose it originally, but what does it offer now.

It also doesn't help there's not a whole lot to do. Whilst I do admit, there's some things (a cinema, swimming pool, lots of green spaces), there's nowhere for you to discover yourself, by that I mean discover arts. There's plenty of sporting opportunities in the area. Besides the cinema (which I do admit is relatively cheap), there is one other arts space. There's an arts centre, hidden away in the towns centre. There's no advertising for it, nor is there much on. It's also difficult to find if you don't know where it already is. Most importantly, there is no music scene. Whilst there is a yearly music festival (though I'm not sure it still exists), there is no music. The best you will hear are old rockers still playing the shitty pubs they grew up in and the bellowing of the bagpipes behind the hearse. Now, I remember there used to be a venue in the town. It was an actual venue, people actually attended. Though it was shut down many years ago, I can't remember why but I think it was to do with costs. Which is crazy cause the venue rent shouldn't have been high due to the placement of it. Sometimes, there's still the one off gig in the building but it's once every couple years, for those who are nostalgic for it perhaps.

My point being, there's a little to do in the town. But no one can afford it. I couldn't afford it, I used to get free cinema tickets cause my friend worked there. I still do, at a different cinema. Same friend. People need to express themselves, I believe the town is improving in that regard but the town genuinely has an opportunity to become a cultural hub. The council is so incompetent and the mayor is a right twat. The people would have to do it. It also doesn't help that when local elections happen, the town always votes labour. But labour never wins because the surrounding villages are included in the votes. So conservative wins. I think if the town had a larger variety of things to do, it would be a much happier, empathetic place. But, perhaps I'm being naïve, perhaps an idealist. I suppose you always want the places you lived in to be better, I suppose only I can implement these ideas. Even if it's just be spreading them.

P.S. It also doesn't help that since leaving the EU most smaller towns have struggled due to the weak policies the British government has implemented to help the growth of these towns. Essentially, the way I understand it is, when we were in the EU. Money made in the bigger cities, a portion of it would be taken out and spread to smaller communities in the UK so the towns and villages wouldn't be crushed under the heel of the ever growing cities. Whereas now, that fund is significantly decreased. Hence small towns in Britain becoming more and more run down.

All we have time for is drinking, screwing and dancing. For it's all we can afford to do.

#creative writing #spilled thoughts #writing

[papercherries]

saw a tiktok of a mother taking her very tiny daughter to an art museum and she’s just walking around going “whoooa” “woooaah” to everything but then they got to a marble statue of a nude woman lying on her back and the girl points and goes “mommy🫵” and i just immediately welled up with tears and all the comments are just laughing about it and of course it’s funny but how are you not insanely moved by the way art connects everyone on earth from a centuries-old sculptor to a toddler in 2023

[papercherries]

I will grow old. I will grow old. I will someday die. I will someday die. I will be happy. I will be happy. If I'm not. If I'm not. Then I will write. Then I will write. I am one. I am one. And I am all. And I am all.

Droplets are felt. Droplets are felt. Throughout history. Throughout history. I am one with ancestors. I am one with the unborn. I will grow old. I will someday die. I am forever entwined.

#creative writing #spilled thoughts #writing

[papercherries]

Stress induced thoughts flood my mind. I always have difficulty sleeping in my hometown. The pillows are too hard and the world is too quiet. Stress induced thoughts flood my mind. I am starting to panic. I won't. I understand why it's happening and I have confidence that it will all go well. Don't trust your thoughts after 9pm. I've been trying to sleep for around 3 hours with varying degrees of success. Finding actors sucks and making films is for masochists. Something was bound to go wrong yet I have a feeling the lack of actors is only the first gopher of the season. I suspect I shouldve been tougher on my crew but I don't run a tight ship and I don't intend to. They are far busier than I. But my trust is weaning. Its due to the panic but I'll need them working double time from now until shoot day. Whether they do is up to them. If they fail to deliver, I will never forgive them. Which sounds like an overstatement but they should know the weight that this production carries for me.

Its getting too hot. I am roasting in bed but my cat likes to attack exposed feet, which is cute and adorable during the day but when you're trying to sleep it's perhaps the most awful thing there is. Especially as it gets hotter.

Stress induced thoughts flood my mind. Death is not an option. This panic is only a result of my worry. Don't trust thoughts past 9pm. Stress induced thoughts flood my mind. I need a drink.

[papercherries]

I've not really had the motivation to write anything for the past couple days. Hence the photos. I'm just floating at the moment, waiting for something to happen. It's been getting hotter which has been awful for me but I got paid from work finally so I bought myself a banjo. It sounds pretty and I looked a bit mad on the bus because I got it used and the guy didn't have a case so I had to carry it bare. My fault for not thinking ahead. Though some of the chords don't sound right to my little brain and learning fingerpicking has been interesting because my fingerpicking is mediocre at best on guitar.

It's a bit dirty, I'll clean it this week. Though it smells like the guys. It's a very typical house smell but I could never understand why some houses smell different from others. The amount of cleaning is obviously a factor but I imagine it's also affected by other random little things like what's cooked there or where their water comes from. Maybe it just smells because it was played at heated live events and it's just the culmination of those sweaty rooms. I'd rather not think about that. It falls out of tune quite quickly but I suspect the strings are quite new. The stringing is very neat and it stands out from my other stringed instruments as the strings are wound (or cut) so there is no loose strings. I haven't got a strap for it (I only have two in total, one for my acoustic guitars and one for my electric) so I stole some rope from my friend who works at the boatyard. I am very aware I've fastened it wrong by tying the string under the string just above the fretboard and having it's usual place at the bottom. But it's become a small signature of mine, as I also commit this sin on my acoustics.

Some songs just sound so much better, or they fit me better. AJJ songs are really fun to play, Back when I was 4 by Jeffery Lewis was a fun surprise, a lot of Anti-Folk stuff feels quite nice. Though it's mostly because I've only had it for 2 days and I still don't know all the "basic" chords (I've learnt all the "base" chords (A,B,C,D,E,F,G) but not all their minor/sharp counterparts, let alone all the variations). I'll probably try learning Defiance, Ohio songs, I just haven't got to it yet. OH though I have been playing "I wanna boi" by Sister Wife Sex Strike. As much as I'd love to play it live, the original band who made the song are problematic, but I suppose in a way it could be reclamation? Does that really work in this case? Not my place to say currently. I just think Sister Wife Sex Strike's version is pretty awesome.

I'm picking up my cat tomorrow. I am very excited. Though, I'm not sure how she will feel about the banjo.

All the actors who have applied for my film, who I have then got in touch with have ghosted me. It is causing an awful lot of scheduling issues as I can't find actors for my film. This needs to be fixed within a week, god help me.

Emotionally, I can feel the impending stress from the shoot, edit and sound design all falling on me very slowly. I also need to start my production file. Perhaps I'll do that whilst I'm picking up my cat. I need to get a good grade. I'll get a 2:1 at least but I'd rather get a first as I've already said to some masters courses that I will. Whoops.

I'm trying to find more things to write about as my washing is still in the dryer for another 20 minutes.

I've been playing through Fallout 1. I think I was encouraged by all the fallout content that has been on my youtube feed for the past 4 weeks. I am not immune to propaganda. I'd never been able to get through the game before but I am the furthest I've ever been and I'm really enjoying it. I think Baldur's Gate 3 gave me a much better understanding of the genre which then allowed me to better understand how to undertake Fallout 1, as I didn't really understand Fallout 1 as a Dnd-esque rpg but more like Fallout 3, New Vegas and 4.

The fallout show however did piss me off at first. But the longer I've left it, the less frustrated I've been with the show. I still think Besthesda's "everything should still be a wasteland" take is a little dumb but I'm interested where they'll take the show now. However, the end still annoys me. Mostly because that "place" didn't seem like it would fall, honestly the area seemed too populated for that to even occur. The only option I can think of is Nuke's or (skip this park if you don't want to figure out what I am talking about) the Sierra Madre. But, the show as a whole is pretty entertaining, whilst it doesn't explore the political aspects I enjoy from Fallout, it does capture a lot of the series charm and what makes Fallout, Fallout. I am also quite surprised they refrained from showing a deathclaw or a radscorpion. Though, the missing family member thing was an immediate red flag for me. Just screamed "I AM BETHESDA FALLOUT". Not to say that's a bad thing.

Though, I did see a really interesting crackpot theory on R/Fallout (or I may have seen it somewhere else) that suggested this "chapter" of the Brotherhood was an extension of the legion. As they seem to be less "BOS like" and share a lot of qualities with the legion, the branding, the more latin names. The brutality, that just wasn't present with the rest of the brotherhood stories. Though, I will say I am not very well versed in the Brotherhood of Steel lore. But this would be a super interesting place to take the brotherhood and I would really respect that creativity.

7 minutes left on the timer. I think, I am out of ideas. I am really tired and I just want to go to sleep but I need to pack, the only reason I am awake is because my flatmate took forever to take his stuff out the washer because he was playing Rainbow Six.

I think that's all I got.

#creative writing #spilled thoughts #writing

[papercherries]

A starling I made friends with today. I decided to call them beerpizza, as that's what I was consuming at the time.

#birds #photography #starling

[papercherries]

Julie - London - Moth Club

#shoegaze #Julie #concert photography #concert #photography

[papercherries]

Being human involves so much effort. Physically and emotionally. It's a miracle anyone makes it through the day, let alone remaining optimistic about it. Empathy and kindness satisfy the soul at the cost of the body. Pessimism and cruelty sacrifices the soul and weakens the mind. Talk to your neighbour, your barista, postal worker (unless they don't want to be talked to).

Don't forget, most people are kind and gentle. Some are misguided, some deserve a punishment dished out by the gods themselves for their atrocities against nature and humanity. In their absence, we will suffice.

It will take the many to destroy the few. They have us fighting a culture war, the way forward is education, conversation and perhaps in violence. Let people know who they should be fighting.

#creative writing #spilled thoughts #writing

[papercherries]

Found old writings:

Dear diary,

I slipped over today, I had a graize on my knee. It was quite painful. I tripped on a log and a hog. It was a horrible bog. Do you believe in ghosts? How could you not, it would be insane not to.

How can this be! Are you crazy, how strange you are. What an odd specimen. Happy Halloween. What a joyous time. So scary though. I wonder how Halloween was created. Bird of a feather never leave their nest.

Dear diary,

No, no, I don't. Said sadly, and I loved the way she said it. Some other time I'll come by here, said and she said. Any time kid. Still I hung around, just to look at her, and had another cup of coffee. Her boyfriend came in suddenly and wanted to know when she was off.

She bustled around to close the place quickly. I had to get out. I gave her a smile when I left. Things were going as wild as ever outside.

Dear Diary,

Today I lost my marbles. It was fucking crazy. I dropped them all over the street as I was crossing the road. They were everywhere.

Anyways I hate my friends they are all whores and have the clap. I don't want the clap so I am not talking to them. Yes it is. I know how the clap works.

Love you lots xxx

(I'm not sure I wrote this one as it's not in my handwriting and seems like it's a conversation).

Dear Diary,

I want to sleep fully content. I'd had many strokes of lucky today. They hadn't put me in the cells, they hadn't sent my squad to settlement, I'd swiped a bowl of kasha at dinner, the squad leader had fixed the rates as well, I smuggled that bit of hacksaw through, I earned a favour from the tszar, I bought ciggies and I didn't fall ill.

There were six hundred and fifty three days just like this one. There were bound to be more.

(What follows is also not in my handwriting with a short piece about who was the better jedward brother, ending with "love harambe, leave me alone")

(What the fuck was I on about?)

This diary is old and battered. Not outwardly but many pages have been ripped from this book. I regret destroying my past thoughts but I at least hope it was cathartic.

#creative writing #spilled thoughts #writing

[papercherries]

Cheekface - London - Village Underground

#cheekface #indie #indie music #indie rock #concert #photography #concert photography

[papercherries]

Considerations of my soul. It is getting hotter, the weather doesn't agree with my body. The flames of the sun burn my soul too easily. Plus it's usually my least financially secure period. At least I don't burn too easily and I catch the sun on my skin even in the winter. If I go outside often enough. I am warm blooded, a natural radiator of heat. The winter usually provides great comfort as I am often happily warm. Not too hot, not too cold. I am quite good at conserving heat. I'm also the type of drunk to get incredibly hot when I drink, it's probably due to my preference being vodka.

But summer is a wonderful time. There's a lot more joy in the air and people seem a lot happier. I suppose having to pay less bills is always good. People dying of homelessness and neglect is lower as some of these cases are due to winter diseases. I imagine dehydration becomes more of an issue but being able to ask for tap water in a restaurant always helps, though it is extortionate that a water bill must be paid. As well as rent. And food, even if a food bank system is apparent, it's rarely funded well/ at all by the government or it's completely supported by local communities. When I have more disposable income (which is rare), I try to make a big batch of chilli. As it's one of my favourite things to make and it's relatively easy to make and it's given to the local food bank. Though I've never taken it myself as I can't drive and the food bank is out of town so someone else usually does it. I imagine food banks get more donations in the summer, I wonder if they're less stressed in the summer due to the lower bills and then they have too much food. Probably not, as I also imagine a lot people donate tinned food and I love tinned food. It just lasts so long, I would prefer it fresh but you can't get specific ingredients fresh here. Like kidney beans, black beans, pinto beans. At least, the canned variants are cheaper and will last longer. And, the canned kidney beans from lidl come in a chilli sauce so, if you buy some tomatoes and spices. You can make a mean chilli con carne sauce. But I usually buy everything else fresh, besides meat, but that's because I usually buy vegetarian stuff. On the rare occasions I do buy meat, I buy it from the farmers market, I try to buy my vegetables there too but only if I know I'm gonna use it within a day or two.

A good thing for my soul would probably be gardening. Though, I've never done it. I understand how it works and how to get good results as my mother was a florist (though only for a short while) and my sister was briefly into gardening. I just haven't tried it. I'd want to grow potatoes, tomatoes, carrots, peppers, garlic, onions and chilli's of all kinds. Mostly because these are what I usually buy (besides potatoes, I don't really eat potatoes but it would be good for making homemade chips and mashed potato). So I'd be saving money, though I've no real clue how it works or if I'd even save money. It's a calming activity nonetheless. My cat would probably find a way to destroy it though. She broke a vase the other day. She's just a little menace but she's a little baby, though she is the most baby like cat I've ever had. She even likes being held like a baby, though that's probably my fault for holding her like one when she was a kitten.

#creative writing #spilled thoughts #writing

[papercherries]

YES! I'd love to make a space that includes more surrealist theatre! Or even allows the audience to be engulfed within the stage, to be thoroughly involved and "agitated". There's simply not enough of that type of experience available.

I've also been constantly thinking about trying to "run" an anarchist theatre. Just an event space which is upheld by donations and other non-profit products. Probably the usual stuff, literature, pins, posters, art, etc. The theatre space being free to use by anyone, though it would probably have to be booked in. I'd probably have film screenings on specific days of the week, theatre, open mics, concerts, comedy, slam poetry, lectures and so much more. Though, would I charge for tickets? It seems a bit silly to do so but I'd have to keep the lights on and I doubt donations and sales would suffice. Though I suppose they would be included in the sales, who knows. I'd honestly like everything to be free but I don't think that's possible in our current ecosystem and anarchism doesn't say no to barter. Humans will barter regardless of government. If that's represented by currency, it's representative bartering. But who the fuck knows? I'm not well versed enough in the topic to make these sorts of decisions. I just want to run a community space which is open to all.

Perhaps, it would be closer to a pay what you can system, instead of a decided price. I'll dwell on it.

[papercherries]

The Front Bottoms - London - O2 Forum Kentish Town

#folkpunk #midwest emo #the front bottoms #concert #photography

[papercherries]

I've been a bit aimless today. I'm waiting around for stuff to do and all my momentum is gone. It needs to pick up and fast lest this film be a failure. I grow more and more anxious toward my script daily. I must try not to change it too much or the film will be a mess. It must be cohesive. The actors are taking an age to respond. Think I need to go outside more often. Need to decide what to do for the summer. Need to apply for Masters. Shit.

#creative writing #spilled thoughts #writing

[papercherries]

Clownmouse - Invocations of my brain

Since this is now a space where I feel confident enough to post my deepest darkest secrets. I've decided to post a short demo/ep I've posted on yt. Just because I think it sounds nice and I hope you do too. Much love <3.

And if you don't like it, let me know why! It's a first draft essentially!

#new music #music #folk #songwriting #musician #folkpunk #anti folk #Youtube

[papercherries]

I need to write this before I forget.

I had a dream last night that I left my job or university. (They're the same place). And I got picked up by the wind, I was soaring through the air like a kite. I was at about that height and occasionally I'd fall but if I grabbed something like a tree branch, I'd fly higher. Eventually people started getting annoyed and were trying to get me to come down but I kept grabbing things and remaining in the air. Until they convinced me to come down and I hitched my feet to the ground and a trail of mud was created with my speed. One of those stereotypical dreams but interesting to consider its meaning, if it has one.

#creative writing #spilled thoughts #writing #dream

[papercherries]

I've also been constantly thinking about trying to "run" an anarchist theatre. Just an event space which is upheld by donations and other non-profit products. Probably the usual stuff, literature, pins, posters, art, etc. The theatre space being free to use by anyone, though it would probably have to be booked in. I'd probably have film screenings on specific days of the week, theatre, open mics, concerts, comedy, slam poetry, lectures and so much more. Though, would I charge for tickets? It seems a bit silly to do so but I'd have to keep the lights on and I doubt donations and sales would suffice. Though I suppose they would be included in the sales, who knows. I'd honestly like everything to be free but I don't think that's possible in our current ecosystem and anarchism doesn't say no to barter. Humans will barter regardless of government. If that's represented by currency, it's representative bartering. But who the fuck knows? I'm not well versed enough in the topic to make these sorts of decisions. I just want to run a community space which is open to all.

Perhaps, it would be closer to a pay what you can system, instead of a decided price. I'll dwell on it.

#creative writing #spilled thoughts #writing #anarchism