rhapsody-in-heaven

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

The Diary of Losing You

Day One

I cant believe it, never did we ever talk about breaking up before this .. and now all of a sudden its happening. I cant process it. I cant accept it. Sure, we’ve had fights but I never felt like they were toxic. We never got to that point - we weren’t even close to that point. Was I too stubborn? Did you not like that? Because no matter how much I begged and bargained - you kept telling me, it was over. That you didnt have to explain things to me but you were doing it out of courtesy. But its hard to accept - not only because it was so sudden but because you told me you still liked me - and god knows, i still like you. You told me, you couldnt change and you knew that about yourself and honestly, I kind of admire that. I havent had a lot of boyfriends but the first one I had to accept cuz he stopped liking me - the other two were long over by the time we broke up - there was resentment in our relationship but we didnt know how to let go - so we kept holding on - even when it got so toxic and even when it was obvious we were much better off without each other. But its still hard. Why don’t you think we’re worth a second chance. i didnt even think it was so bad that it needed to be classified as a second chance - just that we were still trying to figure out the kinks with the first one. Even when I told you that if the same situation happens even one more time, you could break up w me - even if it was two weeks later - i wouldnt complain. But you told me that in that case you would just break up with me two weeks later because for you, the relationship was already over. You didnt think we were worth a second chance and that hurts a lot.  I spent hours begging you to reconsider - knowing that you wouldnt - but i still had to try. and then I spent hours after talking to two friends and crying my heart out to them. all i could think about was all the plans we made that would no longer come to pass. I questioned myself if I was missing the thing wed do together or miss you and yeah at that time i was grieving our breakup but grieving more the things that would no longer come to pass. Im used to seeing you once every three weeks but three weeks werent up yet and it still felt relatively normal i guess. but the fact that I also knew the sadness would hit when the three weeks were up also scared me.  sleep was my solace - when i sleep, i dont need to think anymore.  Day Two teaching as usual but then in the times i didnt have to actively teach - i could feel the tears forming in my eyes but its okay, i dont think anyone noticed. but then we had a break between classes and i started to talk to another friend and then i couldnt stop crying. crying so loud that my coteacher heard it and asked what was wrong, and of course needing to explain things out loud with my voice made it that much worse. I could pull myself together for when i was actually teaching the class but - i still miss everything about you. I had my sixth grade class and I was so happy. They were my worst class last year but they did so well on this exercise we thought they would have trouble with - and they did, but with some help they managed to finish, and they did well. The first person i wanted to talk to was you. I felt like all i ever did was complain in our relationship I really wanted to give you the good news. And you were nice enough that you listened to me, and told me that even before, just hearing from me was good news. and that felt incredibly bittersweet. before leaving school my coteacher told me to feel better but all i could think was that i missed you. I had dinner plans that night but they got cancelled - I called my cousin and he talked to me for hours just listening to me cry - and then talk about life - and listening to me cry again. He told me that you probably didnt like the way we communicated and decided to end it before it gets harder later on. I can respect that I said, but its too soon to call it quits - we never even tried. To him, I just wasnt worth trying.  Day Three teaching kept me busy for most of the morning - i didnt have much time to think about you. but after lunch, the sadness began to manifest itself again. I dont think anyone noticed, or maybe they pretended not to. but I started to think back on the times before you moved away. Before we were long distance or even a couple. How you were so good to me. How you made me food. How you stayed with me when i was sad and i just have so many regrets I wasnt adquately able to tell you how i felt about you. How i was constantly unsure about myself but how when you did ask me out, you told me that it was okay that i didnt know - it was okay if i was never able to say i love you because you could feel that saying “love” signified a very strong emotion for me that i wasnt sure i ever felt before, and even with just me saying “like” you knew and could tell that my feelings for you were really deep. Why is it that you miss them so much more when theyre gone? Why do i feel like I shouldve treated you better i shouldve done more and thought of you more and expressed my feelings to you better. but hindsight is always 20/20. I went to pole and then to see my friends at night. we went to karaoke and at this point only one of the two friends knows because i didnt wanna ruin the birthday celebrations coming up of the one who didnt know. Well we were singing “payphone” and she said that we were singing it like someone had broken our hearts and all i could do was pretend to laugh. For the record, I dont think u broke my heart. or i dont blame you. i just wish things ended differently - i wish we were worth another shot in your mind. But all of this, is just wishful thinking. And i know that.

Day Four

its the weekend, and the day we celebrate her birthday. its a rainy day and somehow every little thing reminds me of you. I havent felt like this after a break up in a long time - im not sure if ive ever felt like this after a break up at all. My last two were long over before we ended things and the one before that was the definition of puppy love - sure i thought about him, and maybe its because its been so long but i dont remember every little thing reminding me of him. The rain reminds me of you. I saw a couple walking under an umbrella and remembered that you bought this hella big and expensive umbrella so that we could share it together in the rain. when I was at the aquarium all i could think about was how nice it would be if i was there with you. I saw a boat and i could just think about your job and how youre a shipbuilding engineer. Even looking at myself in the mirror, i thought about how you bought a jean jacket so we could match. I thought about the white tennis shoes we wanted to buy so we could match together when a friend mentioned she needed new white shoes. I thought of all the cute little cafes you took me to when we went to eat a cafe. my friend said she wanted to go to a marsh she saw in my photos - the very same one you took me to. we went to a coin karaoke place and the first time i ever went to one was with you. and sometimes i didnt need a reminder - my mind would just wander and i would remember things i didnt even know I remembered. the time when we fought about women in the workforce and your industry in the cafe and at the car. how when i asked if you were still mad at me you said that you wish you said “oh maybe i am a little bit, but ill make a lot of money and buy u a nice purse” to defuse the situation instead of getting mad. How our very first date lasted two nights and three days. How you couldnt spend my birthday w me but spent valentines w me the next day. The night you asked me to be your girlfriend - and how scared but also how happy i was. How you always took me to so many places. How i always could complain to you and you would always listen w patience - how i just wanted you back - how i wanted you to hold me and tell me it was a mistake - that you didnt really wanna break up w me that you thought about it and you wanna try again.  but i also know, its wishful thinking and i know, that you wont come back to me.  Day Five No plans. it’s still raining. No reason to go out. Can’t find the will to clean my apartment thats getting messier and dirtier by the day. I just want to lie in bed. I’ve been swiping on tinder and talking to some ppl - not to find a rebound but just to talk to people - to feel less - lonely? dejected? idk. but it doesnt really work - it feels like a lot of effort that I cant give. Were conversations always this hard? i feel like ours were so easy. And then i start to think again. all the promises we made. You said you would still try to be friends with me. Can we still do the little things? even before we went out you said u would take me skiing in the winter - is that still on? you told me you would buy me a hanbok - how about that? will you still take me? I keep asking why its over for you. why another chance will never happen. but the whole day, i just lie in bed. I cant bring myself to do anything. I keep searching up things like how long it should take to get over you - but at the same time im not sure i want to. Its not over for me yet even if its over for you. I guess, im feeling all the beginning stages of grief at once. Shock and Denial - i know its over - my head knows it - my head knows that you wont take me back or give us another go but my heart still has that false hope. my heart doesnt want to give you up. Guilt and Pain - well the pain is self explanatory but the guilt - i just keep wondering if this was my fault. if I was too unwilling to change - or didnt know i needed to change until i realized u were serious when you said you were thinking of breaking up w me - if i never said “how about we just never talk again” in anger and sadness, would we have gotten to this point? Anger and Bargaining - im not really angry - i mean i dont think this was your fault or mine but i guess i am kind of upset at the fact that you dont think we’re worth a second shot. anything we argued about, even if it spanned across a couple of days, has never come up again. and this was the first time this particular issue came up so why could we both make steps and amends to keep this from happening. are we both too stubborn? but i was willing and it felt like you werent. you told me that even ur past gfs have said that sometimes they didnt feel like they really had a choice and it wasnt just me. so im assuming that this is something youre eventually going to have to fix for yourself or you find a girl whos okay with that - but you also said you didnt want a gf or a wife that was like a doll who just agreed w everything you said. so this just means to me that youre not willing to try and change. honestly, if youre aware of it, it shouldnt be a hard fix but you already made up your mind that you werent going to do it. in reality i just wasnt the one you were willing to make those steps towards. and that is where my sadness and anger come from. now bargaining - im really willing to make changes and kind of the biggest testament i can give to that is that if we could be together again, i could quit that game ive been playing for 2 years cold turkey. For whatever reason, you never liked me playing that game and if it means i could have you back, i would gladly get rid of it. as for the other things - i promise i wont pressure to be with you longer cuz i know your tired - now i know youre tired. because you never told me before. Im sorry i dont like to lose arguments and i get defensive - i know i need to communicate better too. but i just really miss you and it kills me that we never even gave it a chance. yes, maybe youre right and things wont change and i know you think youre doing me a favour by ending this sooner rather than later but it kills me more that we never tried. Depression Loneliness and Reflection - self explanatory maybe im not fully in this stage yet but I do realize that the bargaining is not going to work even if i hope that it would.  it isnt over to me and to be honest, im not sure i want to get over you yet, even tho i know i should. Day Six

a monday. i asked you yesterday if we could talk and you said you were busy. I’m sure even tho i know your answer, i will ask you today if you would reconsider. im sorry if this puts pressure on you but i think its also necessary that i know I at least tried for my own sanity instead of letting this go. I’m going to tell you everything ive been thinking the last several days just to get it out. and yes, there is still that false hope that you’ll take me back and when that’s crushed i will probably inevitably cry again. I’m not sure if talking to you so soon is the right answer, if later would give me a clearer head. but my heart is telling me that i need to ask you to reconsider now and not later - if only for the confirmation - that nail on the coffin, that we’re really not happening anymore. I asked you when you had time and you said 10pm. So after work, i go home and i write down everything i want to talk to you about - at least everything i can think of at the time of writing much of which i talked about here already - how i thank you for loving me and all the things you did for me, how i still hope youll keep ur promise about buying me a hanbok, about a possible snowboard trip, about my stages of grief - my denial, my anger, the bargaining, how it wasnt just you who needed to change but i do think you will eventually need to change for someone - that i was sad it wasnt me. how i wish you told me about the stresses of your job so id be more understanding, how you were the first guy i thought i could say i love you to. how im not good at this cuz my last two and only serious relationships ended long before we called it off but right now i still feel like i was starting to like you more and more. how u know to break it off now because it would hurt more for me later and you no longer wanted to see me cry but for me second chances and trying is important - which is why im bargaining with you even tho i know you will say no. i need to know i did everything I could. that im sad we didnt meet earlier and have a more stable realtionship and maybe it woulda worked out - that i was sad you had to move for your job because if you were still here things wouldve worked out differently. but i dunno - i hope youll listen with as open a mind as u can, really think about it before you reject me and ill know i did everything i could. 

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

An Open Letter about Racism and the Term Banana

Context

First Incident sometime last month i referred to myself as a banana and was told it was subtly racist. i *thought* i had adequately explained why it was not and why i identified as such. i had also explained that i would never actively call someone else a banana unless they also referred to themselves as such.

Second Incident it happened last night. to her defence, before i start, she was a bit drunk and i also know shes super passionate about this topic. however, i do have to say i think shes too “politically correct” sometimes to the point where she would be offended by how i view myself - but well get to that later. anyways, she was a bit drunk and we somehow came to the topic of xenophobia vs racism and that somehow spiraled into “reverse racism” and how it, in her opinion, doesnt exist, but i didnt agree. i mostly was content with letting the topic go but she really wanted to convince me otherwise. she got frustrated w me enough tho that she said something along the lines of “this is like how u call urself a banana and think its not racist and that its okay, but it is racist and its not okay” to which i yelled back “i talked to my asian american friends about this and they all tell me that you dont understand my experiences”

Open Letter

Part One - Our Conversation About Xenophobia, Racism and “Reverse Racism”

First, I want to say about the whole issue of xenophobia and “reverse racism”, maybe youre right. And certainly you believe so. Maybe white people cant experience racism. And i certainly understood your point about how its only the oppressed class or classes who could experience it. 

But I also believe that they can be oppressed in non-white dominated countries. Maybe you see it as discrimination and not racism. And that’s fine. But I do not claim to know everything that happens in the world, and so I cannot say for 100% certainty that they do not. 

Even if in a societal scale they “cannot” experience racism. Can you then say it doesnt happen on a personal level? If my moms telling me she rather me marry Chinese>Asian>White>Black, to me, that is racism not just “discrimination” or “xenophobia” (which was by ur definition a rejection of anyone whos different) why isnt it just “i rather u marry a chinese guy”? why are there tiers? 

Maybe you have a sound explaination for this. Maybe i still dont fully understand the subtle differences between the term racist, or xenophobic. Again, im more than willing to play with the idea im wrong. But its not something youre going to convince me of in a 15 minute half drunken conversation. 

Side Note: Did you know white europeans used to be enslaved by muslims? these are the stories we never hear about because being a victim at any point in time doesnt fit the narrative of white people always being on top or the narrative of whites being the “evil colonialists”.

Part Two - The Term Banana

I thought you understood me the last time we talked but I guess not because you called me racist last night. I want to preface this by saying at the time I read what articles I could find, written by asian americans about how they either accepted or rejected this term. I also went to ask my asian american friends what they thought as well.

All my friends and I identify with the term banana. There are some, in the articles I read who do reject this term. And i will reiterate that I would never call someone a banana unless they themselves do and it comes up in conversation like “im such a banana.” “lmfao its fine we can be bananas together”. 

I remember you thought it wasnt a term I should use because “i will always be asian” and i cant “make myself white”. I have never wanted to be white. I was a pretty weird kid, and I always knew i was different from others, I was always very aware of the fact that I was Asian and I was always proud of it.  My Experiences from Canada

I know for some of my friends it was a shock learning that they were different from their peers. One example i can give is the comedian Joe Wang tells this story about how his son thinks hes white and was shocked to learn he was actually “yellow”.  But for me, anytime someone asked me where i was from, I would say “China” (at this point i didnt know the difference status Hong Kong held). Now, part of this I attribute to actually being born in Hong Kong and therefore saying i was from “China” was true to me. The other part is that I never really experienced racism. Then again, maybe i did and i was just too dense to realize.  But i never had the thing where kids would go “ewww whats that stuff ur eating”. Certainly i would get weird looks sometimes, but, to me it was just like i like eating broccoli but hate carrots, u think broccoli is gross but u love carrots. I never took it as a racial thing. I even remember i brought mooncakes once for my class to try and almost no one took me up on it but the teacher. The ones who did expressed they really didnt like like w their face. But i didnt feel bad. I remember carrying the box of mooncakes back to the car and telling my mom they didnt wanna try and immediately both of us said “oh well, more for us”.  I will say when I was young, I really wanted to have blond hair and blue eyes, curly hair even. I saw a friend and thought it was so pretty. But even as i imagined myself with blond hair and blue eyes, i still saw myself w asian features not white features. A little later I started watching anime and wanted purple eyes so i can say with certainty it wasnt a me wanting to me white thing. My Experiences in Hong Kong and with My Family in General 

Growing up my parents and my family back in Hong Kong, would always call me a “gwei mui”. From wikipedia, “Gwei [xxx] is a common Cantonese slang term for Westerners. In the absence of modifiers, it refers to white people and has a history of racially deprecatory and pejorative use, although it has been argued that it has since acquired a more neutral connotation. Cantonese speakers frequently use gwailou to refer to Westerners in general use, in a non-derogatory context, although whether this type of usage is offensive (i.e., an ethnic slur) is disputed by both Cantonese and Westerners alike”. Yes, in the past this word was racially charged, but in the present, its just another way to refer to westerners. I don’t really wanna get into it right now because theres a lot more to break down, but just know that its just a common way to refer to foreigners and the term “gwei mui” specifically refers to white girls. 

I grew up like this. And I grew up knowing that it was a very neutral term for people to call westerners and I also grew up being called such. Just as it was a fact that I was a girl, or that my moms name was Elsa, I was a gwei mui. 

Hong Kong is an international city. And there are foreigners everywhere. I remember walking into a store and before I even said anything, the shop assistants would ask “oh, youre from overseas right?” “yeah, how did you know?” “oh i can just tell by the way u carry yourself”. I had a friend tell me that she could tell i grew up overseas from the way i stood waiting in line, have ppl tell me they could tell by my make up or by how i dressed.  My “Thesis” on the Matter

In Hong Kong, and in my family and my extended family I was always the “white girl”. You once said that I couldnt be white no matter what, that i would always be asian. Can you tell my family that? Can you erase the fact that I was heavily influenced by western culture? I will say again, i never wanted to be white. And to be quite honest, when you said that I couldnt be white, and that i would always be asian, I felt angry. Angry that you could even imply I would want to be white, that i would want to be anything other than asian, that you assumed to know how i was feeling. 

But you need to understand, its not about “wanting to be white”, its about “not being asian enough”. You need to understand, that it never came from white communities, it came from my parents and my family back home. 

It was never racially motivated. It was just a fact. I’m currently 25 years old, I’m 5ft5(ish), I weigh about 117lbs, I was born a girl and identiy as such, I’m from Hong Kong, I grew up in Canada and i’m a banana. 

If we were to go back to what u were trying to explain about racism and xenophobia then you could make the argument that “gwei mui” and “banana” had xenophobic roots - but to tell me its racist? because im itching to be white? i thoroughly reject that and i find it offensive.  If we were to take this stance tho, that it had xenophobic roots, and is therefore xenophobic, I would say “yes, maybe. but if im reclaiming it and seeing it as acknowledgement that I am a mesh of two different cultures, who are you to tell me its wrong?” Furthermore, i would make the argument that the n-word most definitely had racial undertones. but black ppl proudly call themselves the n-word. Why cant I call myself a banana without people telling me im being racist.  The final reason on why that statement about how i will always be asian and never white disturbs me to the core is the way that statement lumps all asians together. And maybe you didnt mean it like this or didnt even notice. But my experiences are vastly different from my cousins who grew up in Hong Kong. And yes, by the colour of my skin i will always be asian. But the experiences that make up who I am and my personality are very Canadian, very western based. And to basically overlook that, is to overlook my existence and the existence of Asian Americans.  I know you would never do this, but to basically put all Asians in one category is the same mind that would white supremacists' would tell us to “go back to our country” not acknowledging that most of us were born or at least grew up here. 

Thoughts from My Asian American Friends. Like I said, I talked to this with a lot of my asian american friends. Most of which identified w the term banana and actively call themselves one. Others who don’t, but are not offended when others identify themselves as such.  They reiterated that the term banana was never about “wanting to be white” that it was never an issue of “want”. That it never came from white communities. It came from their families back in asia. That they were “too white” or “not asian enough”. As one friend put it, “i mean in honesty we say it cause we feel like we don't totally belong to our culture, it's not saying it in means to erase our race.” another friend added “ This is true. I’ve seen posts about struggles of other Asian Americans who feel like they’re too Asian to be accepted as an American but too American to be accepted as an Asian lol”. They also said that to deny us of calling ourselves bananas is to invalidate our experiences and our existence as asian americans. That we are not the same as our counterparts who grew up in asia. That we were heavily influenced by western culture. “ Lmao did they just forget that as much as Asian blood runs in you, your whole life has been in CA? For that person to say that to you feels like she’s already making you feel invalidated for being Asian AND Canadian”. Who are others, who are not asian americans, to tell us, asian americans, how we can or cannot identify ourselves. Who are non asian americans to tell us this is racist, to say that we “want” to be white when they dont understand how we feel at all. my one friend said and i quote, “yeah I don’t think calling myself a banana is racist, like dude I’m talking about myself and how I see myself, who tf are you to say anything”.

one friend said it played into the white savior narrative. that we dont know better and that not specifically you, but that in general white ppl are getting angry for us, trying to educate us and inform us because we dont know better.  Another friend agreed that it probably started off as a negative but then ppl accepted it cuz it made sense - similar to how gweilo started off as having negative connotations but is now just neutral. She said, “banana imo is one of those words that started off as something bad but gradually (some) people accepted it and started referring themselves as banana because it makes sense lol”.  Closing Statements

I’m not trying to make you feel bad and i honestly hope i dont. But I remember you telling me it was important to have these conversations so I hope this isnt too  uncomfortable. honestly tho, i dont even know if im ever going to send this to you or if youll read it.

But I really need you to understand where this comes from and where I’m coming from. If you dont agree, I can’t really change that. But to essentially call me racist for how identify myself with the things i struggle with, is 100% not okay. To tell me I’ll always be asian and to imply i shouldnt want to be white is 110% offensive. and to lump asian americans with asians is 100% denying our experiences. to tell me how i can and cannot see myself, is also 100% not your call, its mine. And it really hurt to know after our conversation last time you still thought i was ‘wrong’ that you thought I was being racist instead of truly respecting where it comes from.  At some point you might be able to gradually convince me ‘reverse racism’ doesnt exist. but there is no way in hell, you will convince me that how I or other asian americans see ourselves is the “wrong” way to see ourselves. 

#raceissues #race #asianamerican #asian canadian #how we identify

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

Is It Wrong Not to Care?

Part One Yesterday I a friend sent a post in a group chat that went something along the lines of “why is the rest of the world so informed about american pop culture and politics when americans don’t know about literal wars going on in the rest of the world?” I responded saying because american policies have an effect on the rest of the world - because they are that influential, so politics, in terms of who is president is vital to know (as for pop culture, america is just the biggest exporter of media - why does the world seem to know more about K-pop and K-culture - its the same idea but on a bigger scale). I also added that they would only know about global issues that would directly affect them (say world trade policies) - for example they might not know about BLM (and honestly i wouldn’t expect them to). I want to be clear and say that this doesnt mean that they should be ignorant of racism. But depending on which countries we’re talking about (namely homogeneous ones), I wouldn’t expect them to know much about the movement - and even more specifically the movement in america. I would not expect them to understand the struggles Black people living in america, the police brutality, the injustice, the harassment they face when they take a walk in the park or use the pool in their own apartment buildings.  A friend in the group chat then asked me “how is BLM not a global issue”. I responded asking her if it was necessary for people in say Indonesia to be informed about BLM in America. She responded “yes, because black people are everywhere”.  ... Yeah thank you for stating the obvious. But am i talking about racism in general? No. The post that the first friend posted was why the wrold seemed to know about american politics - so obviously, im specifically talking about racism in america. i then asked her “you understand the struggles of black people in america, but how about europe? or china? you seem to care so much about this issue but ur only looking at it from an american point of view. why don’t you know that black people were literally evicted from their homes in china by their landlords after lockdown because they were considered “dirty” and thought to be carries of the coronavirus DESPITE the fact that the virus started with china to begin with? why is the rest of the world obliged to know about race issues in America?” she then told me “i guess, but ur misunderstanding BLM as an american issue” ... No, I’m not. I specifically gave examples of why its an issue everywhere but while issues of race are important, its too much to ask everyone to care about race issues everywhere especially when people have their own problems. which brings me to ... Part Two I’m lucky enough to be from canada. Yes there’s still racism there. But luckily, I myself haven’t experienced too much of it. Even luckier, relatively speaking, canada is pretty comfortable despite its faults. I am not, by any means, an expert in world conflicts. But let’s name a few to give an example. The yemen civil war, which has been going on officially since 2015. china exerting their power - resulting in the border skirmishes between india and china, the 2019 hong kong protests and subsequently the death of free speech there a year later - the internment and persecution of uyghur muslims, to name a few. The israeli-palestinian conflict. The rohingya crisis in myanmar, etc. How do you expect everyone to care about black lives, when so many are faced with life or death situations themselves. maybe im a pessimist, but it’s far too idealistic to think everyone can care about absolutely everything. i was born in Hong Kong, and even just reading about the situation there drains me. It’s too much bad news and despair for me to handle. the whole thing my friend said about how theoretically people everywhere should care because black people are everywhere -  muslims get treated horribly too with the onslaught of islamophobia. so why is it that BLM gets so much more support and attention - especially in America. Yes, black lives have been lost. But can it compare to the lives in Yemen? So why is it that BLM matters more (at least in America and like countries)?  I’m not saying that BLM shouldn’t get attention. 100% it should. But people usually care more about the issues that are closer to them. BLM is so prominent in America but the israeli - palestinian conflict is not. Is it any wonder that it wouldnt get as much attention? How can you expect people to care as much when they have their own issues going on? especially when you don’t care as much about their issues.  Part Three And even if you completely don’t care, is that an issue? For me, a lot of the conflicts I listed, I don’t actually care. It sounds bad doesn’t it? Of course, I wish that it wouldn’t have happened. Of course I wish the world was more just. Of course, I wouldn’t want to switch places with them. Of course, I sympathize. But that’s about it. i don’t have the mental capacity to care about everything. is that so wrong? Certainly, i see the same of my friends who always post about BLM, but not much else. Not once have I seen them post about Hong Kong or Yemen. And when I talk about Hong Kong, they sympathize, but not much else. More to the point, besides posting on your insta story about these conflicts and claiming to be activist, what have you done to actually change things? Occasionally, I will post about Hong Kong because it upsets me and I want people to know what’s happening, and what the situation is like. But i do not claim to be an activist because I’ve literally done nothing else. I also do not expect individuals to care as it doesn’t pertain to them in the slightest. But if enough people know then maybe we can create change. To be clear, for me it’s not an expectation people will care and fight for change, but the hope that people might. So I can’t help but disagree with the ones who tell me I have to support this or support that - that i ought to care, especially when people are exhausted looking at their own problems. Sympathize, 100%, but to say I have an obligation to care and say that they ought to demand change, sorry, I don’t agree.  But Hasan Minhaj is far more eloquent than I am, so i’ll leave you with this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHOgUkuSXn4

#W

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

Sometimes Being Right Isn’t Worth It.

I’m the kind of person who loves to be right - but honestly, who doesnt. The thing is tho, I’m not to proud to admit when I’ve been wrong. It’s a little embarrassing at times, sure, but that’s how you grow right? I’m petty as fuck, I’ll admit that is my vice. And if you start arguing w me, I probably won’t stop until I’ve won, or am satisfied in fully calling out all your rebuttles. I hate it when people wont apologize when they’ve been mistaken so I will never be one of those people. But to keep playing innocent and acting like youve never done anything wrong or said things you shouldn’t have. That’s where I draw the line. And that makes me, so fucking mad. So I engaged in one such argument today but unlike most arguments, these ones potentially caused trouble for some friends as they - not me - would end up barring the responsibility and taking the blame, Not that I was wrong, or that they were wrong but because I engaged in this argument to defend them from certain accusations. In truth, I knew i shoulda stopped the situation sooner, shouldve walked away. But when he so blatently told me to my face that he never blamed them and that he “didnt know where we got the idea that [he] was blaming them”. I couldnt keep silent. That’s such bullshit. He got called out and in the end he couldnt even apologize, so I called him out once again - quoting things that he wrote - and look and behold he says that he never said any of those things. But by this time I had enough, it was dumb and he was clearly brainless. A friend told me he thought it was “cringe” when he read it and told me i shoulda left it sooner - that there was no need to keep it going - that I made more trouble for my other friends. And I got upset, because he’s probably right. But this is how I’ve always been. What got on my nerves at first was the fact he was blaming my friends, but then it was the fact he couldnt own up to what he did - so to me, while the blaming issue might be over, he had opened up a new chapter. It no longer had anything to do with my friends and protecting them. It was to call him out on his own vices. But the thing is, I didn’t need anyone telling me it was unnecessary. I knew full well it was - and thats why his words bothered me so much. But I couldn’t stop arguing with the brainless idiot. Because it was wrong. “Sometimes being right isnt worth it”. Maybe, but it’s a vice of mine - and i never said I wasn’t wrong. While i started the argument for my friends, make no mistake, how I ended it was for me.  Should I apologize to my friends for making more trouble? Probably, honestly I most likely will. But right now, I just need to be angry - at the dumbass, the one who called me out on my own shit and myself.

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

man im not good at relationships. not that i don't wanna be. i haven't had much experience with it you see. i don't really know who to talk to about it either or whatever but they always say that communication is key and i feel like he isn't talking to me. its makes me anxious. and yeah sometimes I wonder if he wants to be with me at all. i never thought relationships would be easy but i never expected them to give me so much anxiety either. and i gotta ask, is this how its supposed to be? am i supposed to feel as if my hearts being crushed when i don't understand what he's thinking or how he's feeling. and if he doesn't want me in his life can he just end it before i agonize over this more. because it doesn't even feel like he’s saying he “just needs time”, it feels like he's actively trying to push me out. 

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

is it really my fault? yes, i have a habit of looking at the best in people when i first meet them. and youre right, maybe i shouldn’t have been in his room that night. but it wasnt the first time id been over, but that night was the one and only time it happened. i set the record straight from the beginning “im not sleeping w you, anything else is fine but that is a line i will not cross. if youre fine w that great, if not thats fine too, but im not the girl you want to spend your time with.”  and it hurts because when i tell my guy friends about this one told me “well u were in his room, and you guys were making out so you probably wanted it. yeah you wanted it.” but why? everyone has lines they do not wanna cross. making out for me was fine. but one thing does not give you reign over the other. just because i treat you to a drink, doesnt mean u can skip out on the bill when we go grab a bite for lunch. 

also made the passing comment that i was easy because i liked meeting people. you know, all people are strangers the first time you meet. you do realize that right? and not all of the guys had been bad, in fact about half of them were genuine and really only did wanna hang out and go on adventures together. never kissed, never asked me back to his place or try to intrude on mine. really, just going out and having fun. 

one told me that i provoked it. so if i see a homeless person on the street and offer him 10$, does that provoke him to steal 50$ from me? i told another guy and he told me that i put myself in those situations. well maybe thats true but sorry if i dont go walking around assuming everyone is going to sexually assault me. when i went into his room, it was because ive already made it clear, i was ohkay with “x” but i will not let it cross to “y”. honestly why is it my fault to make sure i dont get sexually assaulted? that little girl who got kidnapped from her bed. do you tell her its her fault and that she got herself into that situation? yes i always knew there was a possibility that it might happen waaaaay in the back of my mind. kind of the same possibility you might die tomorrow from an unstable billboard sign crushing you to death. but are you going to live in fear not leaving ur house for the rest of your life because of it?

i didnt go into his room thinking i was going to get sexually assaulted - especially since ive been in there before and nothing has happened, he had a roommate too. i wasnt alone. we, werent alone. but it happened in the dead of night. and i was too embarrassed, i was just there begging for him to stop. and no i wasnt taken, but he tried. and if he did end up doing it i probably would screamed for help. but i liked him, we were going out at the time, it was early in our relationship, but we were in one. i didnt know how to process the guy i liked mighta been or coulda been, woulda been, a rapist.

but you know what? if you still think im a slut then so be it. if you still think i deserved it, then so be it. but i dont go into anything thinking ill be assaulted, similar to how kids in America dont go to school thinking that a gunman might shoot down their best friend the same day. 

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

But it doesn't matter that he's like this with you too. If you had a girlfriend who was abusive, and all her ex boyfriends told you that she was like this with them too, would you still stay with her just because you weren't the only one she was horrible to? Because honestly I would think it's worse that she's like this as a person. I'll still care about him, of course I'll still care but I'm over putting in all the effort to keep his flaky ass in my life. I'm tired. He can say he's trying all he wants but frankly his "trying" just isn't good enough for me.

J Chung

#not enough #broken friendships #letting go #better off #not just me #excuses #im tired #lingering thoughts

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

its weird to think about the things that scarred you as a child. things that should’ve been so insignificant but even now you still think about them. i remember in kindergarten, we had a substitute teacher. well i was in the afternoon class and she was the teacher for the morning class. I remember she gave us all a page to colour, i dont remember why or what it was for. and on the tables there were cans of crayons and pencil crayons. I remember reaching for the pencil crayons. I vaguely remember her stopping me and i again, remember reaching for them - the next thing i knew, she got me to sit by myself at a table and gave me crayons to colour instead of pencil crayons. i was being punished, but i didn’t quite understand what I had done wrong. looking back, maybe i was too excited and wanted to start colouring but we were supposed to wait? i’m not sure. i don’t know. thats the only thing that makes sense tho. I remember crying a lot, not knowing what i did wrong or why i was being treated the way i was. a little bit later in the day i remember playing in this sand box, i mean not in the traditional sense, it was a box, like a container with sand. When one of my friends came up to play with me, the teacher, pulled her away. I was to play alone for the rest of the day - i was still being punished for reaching for pencil crayons. it wasnt the first time i was punished or reprimanded for things but it was certainly the first time that i didnt know why. and is isolating a child for the rest of the day as punishment for something she doesnt even understand the right way to go about things? i guess i knew i did something wrong, but i didnt know why reaching for pencil crayons was wrong. and to this day, i dont remember what the teachers name was or what she looked like, but i always remember that day. and i remember being so happy when I saw Mrs. Colbey the next day. 

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

snowflake

you tell me to consider this bridge burned. its weird, i guess you don’t remember how i told you i was done with you last time we talked. funny how you always have to have the last word since you can’t stand being thrown away. but sure, if that makes you feel better you can think that if you want.  as for me? i wont be sorry. I wont regret cutting things off when you never once treated me like a friend, ditched me whenever you want and only talked to me when it was convenient for you. ask me why i never talk to you anymore when its not like you ever went out of your way to talk to me. and im done. im done being called a slut, or a stripper. im done hearing you treat me like some kinda whore. telling me that I’d “still wanna fuck [you]” despite what you say and what you do. because you know what? if i wanted to fuck you i’d done it a long time ago since you were always up for it. im done having you tell me what i can and cannot do, what i can and cannot post - if i wanna drink a glass of alcohol, that is my right. if i wanna post a video of me at a chair dancing workshop that is my right - who died and put you in charge? and each time we fight, and u tell me im throwing a “hissy fit” you don’t get to waltz back in, insulting me and then say you’re joking about it, not even having a proper conversation about why we had that fight in the first place - because you’re always right arent you? you’re always right and im just hormonal.  you don’t get to make me feel bad about throwing you away. but if you need to you can tell ppl you threw me away, really nothing changed, i was always disposable for you. and honestly whether i didnt want you or you didnt want me, it doesnt matter because my life is better without you. 

#our bridges have burned #were we ever friends #friends of convenience #big ego #slutshame #better off

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

balance

do you ever ponder how you’re going to die? I mean old age and sickness are what we assume right? and its hard to really ponder dying of old age when you’re young and it seems so far away. but when you think that you might be a victim of a murder or a car accident, there’s this feeling, this uncertainty in the face of fatality when it doesn’t seem so far away anymore. what would your first instinct be? mine would be regret. regret for all the things i havent done yet. i know i wouldnt drop school today to get on a plane a travel the world tomorrow, but if i were to die in the next few days that would be my regret. and i guess thats the hard part. they always say live like its your last day, but then how do you sustain the basic needs of human life? quit your job to travel, but how do you travel without money? party and live your life, but neglect youre education and youll be living on the streets. work all your life, and you’ll die before you live.

#balance #fatality #mortality #regret #choices

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

you're always tempting, it's just time I said no.

J Chung

#temptation #enough #story's over

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

even though i know i shouldnt be sad since ive already decided im better off, is it alright to think that its ohkay since being sad even though i know im better off is just a testament to how much i wanted it to work out?

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

you learn that sometimes, there are no second chances

J Chung

#its over #nothing you can do #regret #live on #you did the best you could #learn and grow #do better next time #let go but never forget

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

“letting go is hard, but its a lot easier than holding on to something that isnt there anymore.”

sometimes its not anyones fault. or maybe its both your faults. sometimes maybe it is your fault. and because its your fault, or even if its partly your fault or its just that things are going wrong, you try to rectify it.  but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things just cant be fixed.  once upon a time, 7 or 8 years ago, i teased a friend. it wasnt just once or twice, it was constant, but i didnt mean it to be cruel, and she certainly wasnt the only one, but she was the only one that took it to heart and took it seriously.  the thing is tho, she never told me it bugged her, and yes, maybe it was hard to, im not blaming her for that. and i know regardless of whether i meant to hurt her or not, i did and for that i am to blame. but i didnt know.  two years of this teasing, she finally told me it made her feel like shit. i apologized, i told her i really didnt mean anything from it and never did it again. you would’ve expected things to get better, but they got worse. she felt the need to constantly remind me that i made her feel like shit, it really didnt mean anything to her that i stopped. she would make me feel so bad about myself that i would start breaking down. no matter how many times i said sorry, it just wasnt enough. this went on for 6 years. i spent six years apologizing for something i did for 2 when one year she finally asked me what my “intentions” were when i teased her.

and i finally realized that the reason she never let go was because she thought i was doing it on purpose to make her feel like crap. and it was weird that throughout all the problems and all the things we shared with each other to come to the realization that she probably never thought of me as her friend - that all these years she saw me as her tormenter. and no matter what i did, it was probably all she was ever going to see me as. the good stuff would never counteract the bad. 

i remember telling her that if there was really nothing i could do to stop her from thinking that i was this big red “x” in her life. no matter how many times i apologized then she should just tell me and ill stop trying, because i really cant do this anymore. to be blamed for something i did when i was 13 and insensitive at the age of 21 when ive been apologizing for 1/3 of my life and im not who i was then.

she told me that wasnt the case - this was almost exactly one year ago. 

we made up and i thought we finally got past it. summer we hung out for the last time. i tried messaging her when school started and never received a response. i started to realize it would never come and thus our friendship was over. i guess she couldnt get over it. 

recently, i found out she blocked me. not even unfriend or whatever - straight up blocked. she really couldnt get over it. I was that much of a dark spot in her life she doesnt even want the possibility of associating w me again. honestly not that i would look for her first, i got the message. but to know that its so final, really hurts. 

and to not know what was going thru her mind when she did it. is it sorta like me? was it the realization that we were just kinda making each other miserable, so its better to end it, or was it because anything about me, my existence, just made her feel like crap and she had to purge me from her life. 

i guess ill never know.

#theres no fixing what cant be #not enough #i wonder #broken friendships #no ones fault #everyones fault #im sorry #i guess this is goodbye

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

Cutting people out of my life doesn’t mean I hate them. It means I respect myself.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

honestly i dont think you were ever really part of my life. you came when you wanted and left when you wanted - whenever it was convenient for you. nothing changed - not really. it just this time i didnt leave a door for you to come back in.

#convenience #were we ever friends #came and went as you pleased #our bridges have burned #toxic #broken friendships #better off

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

sometimes it's not until you let go that you realize exactly how toxic they were.

J Chung

#letting go #toxic people #moving on #everything happens for a reason #better off