smutwritersguidetotheuniverse

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

i wish the friends i did have actually talked to me and i didn’t have to be the one to reach out all the time. i wish the friends i did have actually invited me out or to hangout. i wish the friends i did have actually cared enough to check in on me. im so tired of being lonely in a room full of people because the people i do have don’t really seem like they want me around most of the time, maybe it’s just me feeling that way but i wish they would prove to me otherwise

- 🍃

#tw depressing stuff #tw self destructive behavior #vent post #cw vent #tw intrusive thoughts #childhood trama #lonely in a crowded room #hurting #im so tired

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

i have so much, i have so much good in my life, i have a loving supportive fiancé, we have a dog who is a very good boy most of the time, i have employment, even tho the hours are shit at least i have a job, but i still can’t see it, i can’t find a reason to keep up the act that im ok and don’t want to hide in a little hole and never have to leave and just sleep the rest of my days away. im so tired, i can’t do this much longer if things don’t get better, why won’t things get better? no matter what i do nothing feels like it’s improving anymore. i’ve resorted to hiding in the dark, unused room in my work so i can get away while im here, im so tired, why can’t i see the good again. i wanna relapse so bad, im so close to two years clean and i don’t want to throw that down the drain but i feel like i don’t have anything else. im trying so hard, im using every tool in my belt and nothing is working anymore, i might get a tattoo instead but i don’t have the money to get one done in this day and age and i don’t have the money to get the equipment myself, even the cheapest stuff. i feel so lost and hopeless again, i haven’t truly felt like this is a long while and it’s getting scary again, im trying i promise

#tw depressing stuff #tw self destructive behavior #vent post #cw vent #tw self destruction #self h@rm #sh mention

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

why can’t i just feel solid? im so tried of feeling down, of feeling like i have no solid footing in anything and i know that’s normal for a 20 y/o not to have solid footing but it fucking sucks, im scared and im tired. i just want to be normal, i just want to get out, i just want to feel at peace again, im so done with feeling like this, why won’t it just stop, no matter what i do it’s always there and i can’t get rid of but

-🌱

#tw depressing stuff #vent post #cw vent

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

i just wanna get over it, why can’t i just move on from any of it. im falling back into wanting to relapse into sh again and it’s getting kinda scary, i don’t want to go away, i don’t want to go to the hospital to stay clean i just want to be able to do it myself, im over a year and a half clean now and it’s still been hard, im so tired, why can’t i get them out of my head, any of them, they seem to latch on and never let go even when the person is long gone from my life and has been for a while, why can’t i stop thinking about it. i just want it all to stop for once

#tw depressing stuff #self h@rm #tw self destructive behavior #vent post #cw vent #childhood trama #tw trama #sh mention #tw self destruction #toxic friends #toxic people #no escape

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

sitting here looking at an ex friend’s blog and realizing how hypocritical they were when cutting off my partner and i, you’re a fucking sex worker and your telling my partner that they are being too sexual and pushy with you when they were the most respectful person other then your own bf who has been sexually interested in you and still treat you with 100% respect because you’re still a fucking human being and you have the audacity to not even try to talk about boundaries and go straight to cutting us off, you’re a fucking hypocrite cuz you’re letting random people on the internet degrade you and be disrespectful to you all day, but i guess it’s fine cuz they make you money right?

#vent post #cw vent #tw rant #nsfw #sw

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

is it to much to ask for people to actually respond to my messages when i’m trying so desperately to crawl out of a hole i can’t seem to escape and asking them to hangout is really a call for help and that i don’t wanna be alone anymore

🌱

#tw depressing stuff #tw self destructive behavior #vent post #alone with my thoughts #trying #escape

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

tw mention of insomnia/sleep

thought one that i needed to blog tonight

‘when the insomnia is starting to give in to the high and letting me close my eyes but not fall asleep quite yet so i just lay there waiting for the sleep to nab me when my guard is down’

thought two i needed to blog

‘i fucking hate my user name, why was that what They chose so long ago, like bro why?’

#insomia #no sleep #i need sleep #so eepy #very eepy #eepy little guy #eepy puppy boy #eepy baby

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

it amazes me the amount of people with type 1 diabetes who don’t understand that we also can deal with mental health issues and that yes somtimes it does feel like rocket science. like bro no it’s not “motivation enough” for my top surgery to get my a1c down, you think i don’t want to, i was talking about how it’s really hard and i don’t know what to do anymore so like stfu you 78 yr/old man with type 2 how about you shut your mouth if you don’t understand, like you stated in the comment. god i hate reddit somtimes

#type 1 diabetes #type 1 diabetic #top surgery #ftm #type1 ftm #a1c #reddit

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

being disabled is the worst, i offten feel like im taking advantage of my pain and using it to get out of things when i fully don’t want to do that im just in pain. i think it comes from trama of my parents telling me that about other things i was dignosed with because i wasn’t taken seriously about my pain so i wasn’t dignosed or looked at for anything really. so now i feel guilt everytime i need to take a break all because i was told i was taking advantage of my 504 plan and wasn’t listened to when i talked about my pain, thanks dad

#tw intrusive thoughts #vent post #childhood trama #tw trama #cw vent #tw shame #shame #daddy issues #father issues #kinda wish i was fatherless

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

does anyone else go looking in the pages of people who you’re no longer friends with? i do it every now and again to see what they might have been up to recently. i miss them, why did it end like that, i hate missing them, all of them were shitty to me and even tho i might have also been shitty i shouldn’t have been treated the way i was treated and i hate that despite that i still think about them and miss them

#tw depressing stuff #tw self destructive behavior #vent post #cw vent #toxic people #toxic friends #toxic behavior

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

when the trama response takes over and you have to remind yourself that you are deserving of rest and that no one is gonna be mad at you if you show you need rest

#tw trama #childhood trama #emotional abuse #abuse survivor #tw intrusive thoughts #vent post

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

no one realizes how privilege you have to be to just go off grid, you have to not have chronic health issues, you have to be pretty physically able bodied, and most of the time you need money to buy land and develop it, and i sit here, haveing wanted to go off grid for so long with the people i actually care about but realizing i cant, and that i have to be close enough to socity thag if anything happens i can get to a hospital in less then 20mins. no one talks about it and im just tired

#offgrid #homesteading #backcountry

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

it’s nights like these where i wonder if it really was my fault, loosing all those people in my past, was i actually in the wrong? was i being crazy and over reactive? where they right to cut me off like that? but i can’t seem to find any evidence that any of it’s true and i deserved to be treated better, im so tired of feeling like everything is my fault or about me, i feel like it makes everyone who is around me sees me as narcissistic cuz it seems like i make everything about me me me, but i can’t stop thinking about what people think of me, what people see in me, when i turn my back do they talk? and if they do, do they speak highly of me or hate me? i know none of this is rational but i need to put it somewhere, i don’t even care if anyone sees this post i just need to get it out somewhere and maybe this will help someone else

#tw depressing stuff #tw self destructive behavior #tw intrusive thoughts #vent post #cw vent #tw vent #vent

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

sometimes i wish i didn’t live with my partner so i could relapse and not have to tell them. it would make me feel a lot better, i hate this i don’t wanna be an addict anymore i just wanna be able to stop and never think about it again. it feels like a crushing weight everytime i get triggered or upset and i feel like i won’t be able to take it for much longer, it’s been a year and a half clean and yet i wanna throw it all away to feel better again

#tw depressing stuff #self h@rm #tw self destructive behavior #soul crushing #im hurtin #im so tired #sh clean

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

Tw! Sh

Me: *casually sh*

Me: *stubs toe* *dies*

[smutwritersguidetotheuniverse]

me

i want to cut my arms but i dont want anyone to notice