#{Starting the new year in the hospital. fml -
Text
999 Week 2023 - Ace
WITH LESS THAN AN HOUR ITS DONE. this year im doing outsider looks on the characters and ace's is social media in the aftermath
Cradle Pharmaceutical CEO in Police Custody! | JNS
Gentarou Hongou, CEO of the famous Cradle Pharmaceutical most known for the drug Soporil commonly used in hospitals, is in police custody after being handed in by a group of people with evidence of his crimes, including kidnapping, bribery and multiple counts of murder. And according to some sources, his murders are of the other three executives of his company!
_____________________________________
coffee @kianuovals
@passingbyinthetrees i am so sorry about what just happened
Stuck on her report @passingbyinthetrees
????
Stuck on her report @passingbyinthetrees
Oh fuck me i choose to do a report on him and his contributions to the community but noooooooo the universe just decides to do this to me lets see if i can get an extension
coffee @kianuovals
hey at least you can add something pretty interesting to it
fml @passingbyinthetrees
You mean: the murder accusations that are likely true, the death game he was accused of setting up that are likely true no matter how fucking fake it may sound, the kidnappings of multiple children, bribery, and the fact that he was handed in by a random group found in the desert in NEVADA. NEVADA. FUCKING NEVADA.
_____________________________________
Trying to keep my cat from getting to my gecko @petparent8398389
Ngl that hongou dude always gave me the creeps
New art piece up! @artcoslianna
Same here. Everybody I’ve met who’s talked about him saw him as this good dude but his smile always unnerved me for some reason.
bend and snap! @sexymansplits
Opposite for me actually. I really looked up to him as somebody who helped the medicinal field, especially in a family full of doctors and nurses and anesthesiologists and just people who work with these types of medicines. Now I’m likely gonna be seeing this case analyzed for being something almost out of ace attorney :/
_____________________________________
:-) @elephantsandtrunks
Fffuck gentariiiiiiiiiiiii hongou iilllll probabbly not longer have a job after thisdd
:-) @elephantsandtrunks
Ii have cholod suporrttt to payyyyyy and because off this fuckkup ill wontt have a job
_____________________________________
Gentarou Hongou and Cradle Pharmaceutical - A History Up to Now
Posted by: Locomoco
997k likes
1:12:58: “In early November of the year of our Lord 2027, a group of people that while not identified currently, they have been overheard calling each other “Clover”, “Seven”, “Junpei”, “Lotus”, “Alice” and “Snake” a blurry photo of an oddly dressed group of people in front of a car and a gas station is shown with many references to an “Ace”, presumed to be Hongou though he wasn’t seen. The man had been put into custody soon after with some reports of the events that led to it, including multiple leaks. Cradle has recently come out with a statement defending Hongou, saying that they didn’t believe in these accusations. However, that was quickly recanted by them once the backlash started. Due to the fact that all the executives have been murdered, there’s been quick reports of people being promoted to these roles and calls for new applicants. Honestly, I’m getting reminded of Oceangate right now from a few years back.”
_____________________________________
Gentarou Hongou Trial Date to be Happening within the Next Few Months!
New Evidence Brought in Regards to the Cradle Pharmaceutical Death Game of 2018!
Potential Motives by Gentarou Hongou! Read Here!!!
_____________________________________
slumberingsage
THE MUGSHOT HAS BEEN RELEASED. I REPEAT. THE MUGSHOT HAS BEEN RELEASED.
#showed it to my grandma who doesnt know wtf is happening and she felt so much pity #her reaction to his crimes were priceless #cradle pharmaceutical #gentarou hongou
Whitehairedemo
The mugshot is pinned on my wall it’s amazing that bastard is gonna get all he deserves and more
_____________________________________
Gentarou Hongou Mugshot Shirt
*a photo of the man’s mugshot on a black shirt is being modeled with a man and a woman, heads cutoff from the photo, though the woman’s dark brown hair is in frame*
Cost: $20
Sold by: Crashkeys
_____________________________________
sincerely me! @keyboardsmasher69
Okay but is he actually guilty? Like so much of this shit sounds so weird. Like a death game? Is this a video game?
Tech support @EightPetals
www.archives.com/18102018-missing-children
www.abcnew.com/gentarou-hongou
www.youtube.com/expo14/video/cradle-pharmaceuticals
Check the many sources cited in the video also. This man is guilty.
_____________________________________
Gentarou Hongou Trial - June 6th, 2028
www.youtube.com/cradlepharmaceutical/livestream/gentarou-hongou-trial
_____________________________________
changeyourmindchangeyourfate
#FUCK YEAH #it’s insane #like it starts out slightly normal but then more and more of the case got revealed and it just got weirder and weirder #destiel #supernatural
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
continuing with evangelion 1.0 let’s go!!!
- i have no idea what the context is lmfao
- oh we are starting from the start omgggg
- did misato send shinji a pic of herself in the nge series too wtf 😭😭😭
- honestly how is shinji alive while all these blasts happen LOL
- and wow updated animation
- shinji is a lot more smiley/livelier
- so far the story line is going in the same direction
- misato also seems chirpier or maybe it’s just that my last memory of these characters was from a depressing point in the story
- ritsuko 😋😋😋
- they still don’t tell shinji what he’s here to do fml
- oh misato is now wearing her jacket
- still dk why they expected a 14 year old to agree to this on the spot tbh… like not even a little bit of context before this??? or maybe they were going to tell him beforehand but the angel said no to waiting…
- shinji also looks more determined and less scared… hmmm
- oooo the sky is so dark compared to the OG fight
- oop he fell just like the OG teehee
- why are they not teaching him how to attack or do anything…
- “shinji dodge!” HOW BRO
- it also be going berserk just like the OG
- omg i do not rmb the angel wrapping around the eva like that
- rei be in the hospital bed again
- why did the lift open just to close again with no one entering or exiting…
- yay pen pen
- omg wait a TUTORIAL i don’t remember this at all wow is this new
- i also don’t rmb this seated elevator situation
- did he even hear rei. he had his earbuds in
- why didn’t they teach him any battle strategies… sia only knows how to shoot
- oh damn the eva’s bare hand
- yay he did it! congrats shinji
- sigh the wasted drink
- is this his running away era
- oh he willingly goes back… that’s new
- no counselling provided once again
- misato is so much more firm here… loving it
- did shinji absorb anything rei said
- kinda like this version of shinji and misato more tho hehe
- oh wow lilith is shown alr
- misato is so much better at motivating shinji here
- omg the voice messages?? so sweet
- misato thanking shinji :)
- misato having faith in shinji 🫡 gendoh is useless
- OH KAWORU?
#now watching: nge#rambling#was having a really shitty day#the ending of this movie made things slightly better
0 notes
Text
How Taylor Swift Got My Mojo Back.
I do not at all consider myself an athlete but from once weighing 280 pounds , now at 55 215 pounds my workouts over the years are not your average run of the mill programs. I owned a successful boot camp where I was allowed to create art with my routines and my passion for dance music. This ended with the pandemic and I went back to nursing.
I have experienced many injuries over the years from sprains , blood clots , torn retinas and such.
Bouncing back sucked but I knew what to do.
Last March I crashed my mountain bike. I fractured my right wrist , my mandibular ( jaw ) cracked 2 teeth lost one.
Recovering from this one is by far the most challenging
I’ve lifted weights for the past 30 years. I’ve never had a wrist injury.
This preventing me from lifting for months.
I’m also passionate about yoga.
For 6 months I really could not do it because I could not put pressure on the wrist without pain.
I also had no idea how much you use your front teeth.
I’ve not been really able to eat solid foods and I’ve lost an additional 20 pounds.
Most of that was probably muscle.
But I found myself going into a deeper depression.
Once I started healing I went back to my traditional workouts and I was just bored.
I still do personal training and I started doing an online class with my students.
Years ago I did a Britney Spears yoga and they loved it.
So with the hype of Taylor Swift I put together a 60 minute beginner flow for recovery.
Again. My clients love it.
And many started coloring their hair for the online class and wearing Taylor gear.
I’ve always liked her.
I’ve just not really been into pop music since I jumped off the Madonna train years ago.
I prefer progressive house , here is a link to my DJ Sets.
https://on.soundcloud.com/yvdGTUifoSWdHpAp9
So one night at the hospital I put the Swift playlist on.
Funny thing is I knew the lyrics.
But I never really connected with them.
Then one after another I heard things in her songs that I had been through.
“ and he's long gone
When he's next to me
And I realize
The blame is on me…No apologies
He'll never see you cry
Pretends he doesn't know
That he's the reason why”
And one song after another there were pieces that resonated with me.
Then I was like. FML. Am I a 16 year old girl ?
And I kinda kept my new Taylor obsession to myself.
Slowly I started listening to her more and more then I dove into her documentary.
And all the shit she’s been through , it would have been so much easier to listen to the haters and go away.
I don’t know how.
I don’t know why.
But her music is helping me , a 55 year old gay guy get his mojo back.
This is a few clips from the warm up of the Swift Yoga class I teach.
If it’s something you dig , like it.
If I get enough requests I’ll do a more professional video of the hour class.
I look angry in some of this. My jaw still is kind of sore so smiling hurts a bit.
Enjoy
Namaste.
youtube
0 notes
Text
Hannibal S3 chuckles.
————
The netflix summary of episode one: Hannibal is enjoying his new life and sends a message to Will.
Yup. Enjoying it so much he has to tell Will how happy he is. Thats a thing happy people do.
————————
Hannibal getting bored in Italy: you know what would be fun? Terrifying Bedelia with a lecture about betrayal.
———————————-
Bedelia definatley trying to leave Hannibal: ....what are you doing Hannibal?
Hannibal murdering a Euro-version of Will: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PINING? BC I AM NOT PINING. I AM FINE.
Bedeli: Fml.
———————
Hannibal’s message to Will: Please come find me. My new wife somehow underestimated what living with me would be like. She doesnt enjoy any murdering. So bored. I want someone to talk to and murder with xoxo Hannibal.
——————————————
Everyone: Well you must hate Hannibal after what he did.
Will:............i mean. Sure. If that makes you feel better.
—————————
Bedelia: could you turn down the dramatics you are going to get caught.
Hannibal: *despondent and missing Will* Nothing matters. The world is bit a spinning sphere spiral toward chaos. All is darkness.
————————
*Hannibal literally murdering everyone he meets in Italy.
Bedelia: Could you not?
Hannibal: immediately stabs a professor with an ice pick.
*Bedelia pulling out the pick from the professors head*
Bedelia: At the dinner table?
Hannibal: All is darkness. I technically did not murder this man. Everything is dying always. Nothing is truly alive.
Bedelia: FML.
————————
Jack: if i try to help Will enough now it wil make up for ignoring him and not believing him before.
Will: I am more sane right now than i have been for most of the show.....
Jack: I WILL HELP YOU.
————————————————
Chiyoh: I wouldn’t do this to an animal.
Will: Oh yea. We could be friends.
————————————
Bedelia really wanting Will Garham to die so Hannibal will stop moping. So she just starts trying to convince him to eat him.
Hannibal: omg how have I never thought of this?
——————-
Chiyoh meeting Will: oh great. There’s two.
———————————————————————
Chiyoh: YEET!
——————————————-
Bedelia caring for Hannibal s wounds and generally him.
Hannibal: god i miss will.
Bedelia: Nevermind im just going to poison myself.
———————————-
Mason: Last time that i played with Hannibal i ate my own face.............................................
Im sure this time will be fine.
—————————————————————
Hannibal at the farm watching Will ripping off Cordels ear: I am so glad I didnt kill you. This is delightful.
Will:........yea
———————————————
Hannibal just chatting about being eaten.
Will casually manipulating Alana bc he is just done.
————————————————————
Just Hannibal with a hammer coming to get his man.
—————————
Hannibal: would you watch over me.
Chiyoh: yes.
Hannibal: Cool. Im about to make the next three years pretty boring.
—————————————————
Will after the Farm: i have to get away from this man bc i both love and hate him.
Hannibal: Yea about that......no.
——————————————
Hannibal at the end of season 2: you would put me in a cage!
Hannibal halfway through season 3: I will put me in a cage so as soon as you miss me you will come back. And if you take too long I will manufacture a reason for us to hang out.
————————————
Will: i want nothing to do with murder. I am a changed person.
Hannibal: Hey.
Will:...........fuck.
————————————————————
Hannibal: Wait we arent friends anymore?
Will: No.
Hannibal: First how dare you.
———————————-
Will:this is fine. I can see him. It will be fine.
Hannibal: Are you a good dad to that kid I can smell on you?
Will internally: omg i miss you so much.
Will externally: ESCAPES IMMEDIATELY.
————————————————————
Molly: yea i know he was besties with the Ripper. Buuuut hes so nice.
Anyone normal: wtf?
—————————————
Freddie : Still alive *POKE*
—————————————————-
Alana: I will protect Will from you.
Hannibal: U know he likes it.
Alana: HOW DARE YOU?
Hannibal: He has murdered several people.
Alana: Listen to all that bullshit coming out of your mouth. For shame.
—————————————————————-
Will: fuck off Freddie
Freddie: But i gave you a big dick box when i broke into your hospital room and took a nude photo of you.
————————————
Molly: i love you and i will be here when you come home.
Will:..............yup. Thats a thing that will happen. Of course. For sure.
————————————
Jack: I have learned my lesson. Be free will.
Will: Thank you.
Jack: untilanothermurderershowsup.
Wil: wat?
Jack: nothing.
—————————
Bedelia giving a speech about her book. Sees will in the crowd: oh shit.
Will: hey bitch whats good.
Both proceed to have an i knew him better fight.
—————————————-
Bedelia: ur not a killer
Will: i mean.........if it makes you feel better.
————————————————-
Hannibal: god Will is not paying me near enough attention.
Oh.
I know what i will do.
Lets have his family murdered.
—————————-
Chilton throwing a bitch fit outside Hannibals cell.
—————————————-
We need a moron to bait the dragon.
Alana: oh Chilton.
Will: Oh natch.
Jack: Of course.
———————————————————-
“The unfortunate fate of Frederik has put me into quite a good humor.” Fucking classic.
————————————————
Will: Im gone. Its done. I dont miss him. Im fine.
Dragon: uh. I want to make lector....
Will: oh thank god. I can help you.
—————————
Will: im going to let Hannibal out. But it’s just pretend.......I promise.
Bedelia: You miserable bitch.
———————————————————-
Will and Hannibal having a very intense conversation about the Dragon.
The nurses exchanging awkward glances.
——————————————————
Hannibal having just the best time during the escape.
Will both over it and knowing he will follow.
—————————————-
Hannibal being all eloquent when taking through his wound.
Dragon: imma film ur death.
Hannibal: If you hadnt reunited me with my beloved i swear to god. We were having a moment.
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
The Handmaid’s Tale Season 3
Season 3 thoughts so far. Spoilers up to 3.09.
This got shouty and long.
June’s headspace
I didn’t hate Episode 9. It just seems like the reason for Episodes 7-9 was ….. to….. get June pissed off enough with Gilead to act?
Except, um, June ALREADY was pissed off with Gilead (understatement of the century), enough to act. Wasn’t she?!
Remember the Season 2 finale, her giving her child to Emily and then lifting her hood back with this “I’m so done.” look on her face? And the opening “Sorry, baby girl, Mom’s got work” scene in Episode 1? WAS THAT NOT MEANT TO BE HER RALLYING?! And here we are, nine episodes later……………………… yeah.
I just don’t need episode after episode of June staring angrily in to space and then coming to the realisation of “Fuck Gilead”… cause, yeah. Obviously. It feels like this is all there is at the moment. I know I’m far from the first to say this but seriously. She doesn’t seem human anymore.
It’s hard for me to compare what it must have been like to watch Seasons 1 & 2 with new episodes releasing weekly, with this season, because I binge watched Seasons 1 & 2 in like three days. But I’m sure it can’t have felt this drawn out?!
Disjointedness
I’ve realised that one of the main reasons I don’t like this season is because everything feels so disjointed from previous episodes. We have clusters of episodes about one particular thing and then it feels like the focus completely shifts to something else.
Episode 1 was setup.
Episodes 2 and 3 were mainly focused around Lawrence. We’ve seen hardly any Lawrence in recent episodes.
Episode 4 was about Fred and Serena’s relationship. Firstly, I DON’T CARE. Secondly, I don’t see the point now as I don’t think the dynamic has changed that much now in Episodes 6&7 (the last time we saw them together) from what it ever has been.
Episode 5 was mainly around Nichole/Holly and Luke. We haven’t seen either since Episode 5. We don’t know how Luke feels about the cassette tape still; we’re not seeing him trying to keep Nichole in Canada.
Episode 6 was about Washington, the televised campaigns. Among other things, Nick’s motivation/allegiance was raised into question, which to me at the time seemed like it was the start of a storyline for his character. But, again, no Nick (not even a mention of June’s thoughts around this question) since Episode 6.
Episode 7 we move June’s focus from Nichole to Hannah. Also, ARGENTINE TANGO and Real Housewives of Gilead cause why not.**
Episodes 8 and 9…. June loses it. Aunt Lydia has a shit reason for becoming Aunt Lydia. But by the end, oh, June’s ok again, and seems to be back in a similar headspace as she was at the beginning of Episode 1. So, great? ………
Why did any of these things happen?! We could be back at the end of Episode 1 and most of the characters would be in the same place. The only changes are that the Waterfords have reconciled and moved(?) to Washington, Hannah has been moved away, Serena wants Nichole back instead of out, tensions/discussions with Canada have increased. None of this really feels that game-changing. Have I missed anything else that may have bearing on future storylines?! Apart from Nick going to the front? And some people know he’s Holly’s father?
Lack of characters we love
And please GOD pay more attention to the characters we have cared about for the last two seasons. This season is missing SO MUCH compassion and humanity. That’s what makes the show. The defiance of these characters in the face of brutal adversity. The only consistently shown characters this season have been Serena, Fred and Lydia. Great actors, but these three are not characters that get us through the darkness of the show. We need some light. Thank God for Janine.
Like, at this point I’m even pining over Luke. (I don’t hate Luke, far from it, I have just never ‘missed’ him before and I never expected to).
Don’t even get me started on the lack of Rita. Amanda Brugel, I am sorry and I miss you.
Thoughts on Nick
I’m sorry, I know he’s not the focus (apparently) but I love him, so:
So on the one hand I’m glad I only got in to The Handmaid’s Tale and Nick & June two months ago because I can’t imagine having to wait a whole year after Season 2 and then to only be given THIS MUCH. Prior to Season 3 he’s only been absent from TWO(2) episodes (1.07 and 2.11).
Nine episodes and only three appearances? Arreeee you kidding me, show. He’d better be in it next week or I’m just going to explode.
(sidenote: Please, no spoilers, don’t tell me if he is or isn’t, I don’t want to know.)
On the other hand, I’m pissed because I feel like I have ONLY JUST got into this ship (relatively speaking) but am now having to watch it slowly die from lack of love. I wish I’d had months to enjoy rewatching Seasons 1 and 2 and bask in the glory before going through this drought.
Also, June’s not the same. I feel like their relationship can’t be the same as it was before. It’s never going to be the same. Uuuuuuugh everything is awful. I’m ok with their relationship changing but only if it feels like their last two seasons aren’t just being disregarded. I don’t think I’m going to get another scene with them together this season and I can’t cope with that! It’s not enough.
I just hope they have a reason for depriving the show of Nick for this long. I hope there’s some serious payoff, because I SWEAR TO GOD...
If they bring him back only to kill him *~*dRaMatiCally*~* for shock value two or three episodes later I WILL BE. OUTRAGED.
Random other thoughts
Is it just me or did there seem to be SO MANY children pouring in to the hospital in this episode (apparently of a similar age… hitting puberty). Pretty sure there are not meant to be so many children, even in Gilead?
Regarding Episode 8, I was so disappointed in Aunt Lydia’s backstory. I really thought something truly horrific must have happened to her in her past life to make her act this way. It’s not even like the man rejected her. He just wasn’t ready to have sex with her after one date, and she felt embarrassed. And maybe some repressed feelings about women were alluded to too, but, wow, it just wasn’t enough to explain how she is now.
**This is embarrassing to admit, but, you know, I remember seeing a clip of the cast flashdancing while filming that Ball scene in 3.07. And being so excited about it thinking “Hmm, maybe if it’s a Commander’s Ball, Nick will be there too! And if they can shoehorn June in too, maybe they can dance together somehow in secret”. I see now how deluded I was. Like that was clearly purely my shipper brain talking and it would have been so contrived, I’m kind of glad they didn’t, but still OH HOW WRONG I WAS. Vomit. I just assumed … dance = romantic = Nick and June. Not FRED AND SERENA. Fml.
Again, no spoilers please and thank you.
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
1ST RULE: tag 9 muses you would like to know better.
2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true for your muse.
MUSE: siebren de kuiper / subject sigma.
FC: fml bc i had thought of an fc but it slipped from my mind so uh any suggestions for tol dutch bois would be appreciated!!!!
OCCUPATION: fucker-up of ur shit astrophysicist / living weapon
AGE: 62
SEXUALITY: hetero
PRONOUNS: he / him.
APPEARANCE:
I am 5'7" or taller
I wear glasses
I have at least one tattoo
I have at least one piercing
I have blonde hair
I have brown eyes
I have short hair
My abs are at least somewhat defined
I have or have had braces
PERSONALITY:
I love meeting new people
People tell me that I’m funny
Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me
I enjoy physical challenges
I enjoy mental challenges
I’m playfully rude with people I know well
I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it
There is something I would change about my personality
ABILITY:
I can sing well
I can play an instrument
I can do over 30 pushups without stopping
I’m a fast runner
I can draw well
I have a good memory
I’m good at doing math in my head
I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute
I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling
I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch
I know how to throw a proper punch
HOBBIES:
I enjoy playing sports
I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else
I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else
I have learned a new song in the past week
I work out at least once a week
I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months
I have drawn something in the past month
I enjoy writing
I do or have done martial arts
EXPERIENCES:
I have had my first kiss
I have had alcohol
I have scored the winning goal in a sports game
I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting
I have been at an overnight event
I have been in a taxi
I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year
I have beaten a video game in one day
I have visited another country
I have been to one of my favourite band’s concerts
RELATIONSHIPS:
I’m in a relationship (have barely developed a few rn but y’all should hmu to talk about forming some more *eyes emoji*)
I have a crush on a celebrity
I have a crush on someone I know
I have been in at least 3 relationships
I have never been in a relationship
I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them
I get crushes easily
I have had a crush on someone for over a year
I have been in a relationship for at least a year
I have had feelings for a friend
MY LIFE:
I have at least one person I consider a “best friend” (read: used to)
I live close to my school
My parents are still together
I have/had at least one sibling (blizz, pls make this true or i’ll---)
I live in the United States
There is snow right now where I live
I have hung out with a friend in the past month
I have a smartphone
I have at least 15 CD’s
I share my room with someone
RANDOM SHIT:
I have break-danced
I know a person named Jamie (likely a scientist)
I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce
I have dyed my hair
I’m listening to one song on repeat right now (read: the melody of the universe)
I have punched someone in the past week
I know someone who has gone to jail
I have broken a bone
I have eaten a waffle today (stroopwafel, to be precise)
I know what I want to do with my life
I speak at least 2 languages
TAGGED BY: @deathforgiven (ty for the tag!!!)
TAGGING: idk anyone,,,,y’all take this and go nuts w/ it!
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
The Hiatus Notice (Send me good vibes!!!)
So... As you have probably noticed, I got really caught up with my school work, and between that, feeling sorry for myself, visits to various doctors and procrastination, I hadn't had any time to do anything else.
Here's the rundown:
- tried to do all of my assignments, succeeded with about 5,5/7 of them, fml. Would anyone care to try and practice German with me? (Asking just in case);
- started taking medication for my neurosis/panic attacks/hormonal imbalance - still too early to see any difference yet;
- had a toothache that turned out to be a wisdom tooth, which can't be removed easily (crooked angle and roots), so now I'll have to go to hospital to surgically remove not one, but two of those fuckers;
- I need glasses, but not as much as wisdom teeth removal or a new pair of footwear (because everything I wear tries to grind my feet into freaking wounds because the weather is so fucking hot), also fml and lack of time and resources;
- I need a certain document to set up a PayPal account, and also change another document to a more convenient form, but I just don't have freaking time and it's very inconvenient to get there if I'm en route to somewhere... I guess it will have to wait until July...
- and last, but not least... (Sigh) Session started yesterday. From 10th to 29th of June. No breaks save for a day after tomorrow. Some really bothersome teachers. Trying to understand German. I'm in a panic, please help. I have my first exam tomorrow I barely studied for aside from my assignment. Wish me luck. OTL
+ I've got a short haircut (much to my mom's dismay), yet I'm too ugly to get a normal photo of it. Hopefully, my head won't get as sweaty and hot as it did before;
+ I want to do a lot of stuff once I get out of this mini personal hell. Like drawing stuff I own (I haven't forgotten about it!). Or finally start exercising/running, because I need to lose weight and don't have and health issues opposing it. I need more fresh air;
+ I'm really excited about E3 this year. Hopefully it will deliver!
*for those who wonder - yes, I have a lot of health issues, I actually have cerebral palsy, and no, I'm not mentally ill, just have some physical issues.
And there you have it. Do you think I can make it?
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Snily AU - Book 2?
So, here I go again, on a massive long ramble about this stupidly self-indulgent AU I’ve come up with. If you want a recap, I think I’m going to tag this AU under ‘role swap AU’, which is what it’s turned out to be, even if it started as just a simple ‘what if Snily instead of Jily?’ AU, so just search for the role-swap-AU tag on my blog.
And, as before, putting this monster beneath a read more, because, really, I’m writing an entire not!fic here. This is longer than some of the actual oneshots I’ve written, fml...
I’m just going to pick up where I left off; the summer holidays at the beginning of book two. Of course, a lot of what we see in the books is going to belong to Neville, now. I honestly can’t decide if Dobby would think to try stopping Neville’s mail, since he’s not quite as isolated as Harry was. Maybe he tries some other mischief. If he does end up showing himself, I can only imagine Augusta hitting the roof over this interference. (Maybe she even recognises Dobby as a Malfoy elf and gives Lucius what for about it?)
I like the idea that Neville is just as clumsy with the floo as Harry is, and the whole Borgin and Burke’s scene happens pretty much as per canon. Idk if Hagrid would find him or not, but either way he would, eventually get back to Diagon Alley safely (because he, unlike Harry, grew up in the Wizarding World and knew roughly where he was).
But I don’t know if he’d meet the Weasleys there. He certainly wouldn’t have needed rescuing, so what if instead of going there with a friend, it’s more of a coincidence. What if he just happens to bump into Harry there. Harry, who’s there with Sirius and Remus, of course, but also with the Snapes. Lily and Severus and Maeve, and her two younger brothers, Azrael and Gilgamesh. Because Maeve is starting Hogwarts this year and they’re making a big day of it, and Lily invited Remus & co because why not? So Neville bumps into them in Flourish and Blotts, right before he gets recognised by Lockhart.
And, of course, Lucius Malfoy still has his massive beef with the Weasleys for being blood-traitors and poor as dirt, as per canon, but in this AU, I think he’d have an even bigger beef with Severus. Severus, who Lucius was supposed to recruit, Severus whom he groomed for the role and made promises of everything the Dark Lord would give him if Severus fought for him, Severus who embarrassed him so massively in front of the Dark Lord when he picked a mudblood bitch over all that power and promise.
So it’s not Ginny Weasley who gets the Diary, it’s Maeve Snape. Lucius slips it in among her books while making snide comments about Severus sullying himself, how very like his muggle-loving mother, a legacy he must be so proud of- Lily shuts him up by punching him square in the jaw. And probably makes a comment about how does Lucius like being put on his ass by a mudblood, with muggle fighting techniques. Not so inferior now, huh? And Remus makes a quip about Lily being a healer, and wasn’t there something in her oaths about not doing harm? And Lily’s like ‘I swore to fight parasites and diseases, and that’s exactly what I did.’
And I want Draco to have a very complicated problem here, because on the one hand, he’s been conditioned to side with his father, and his father doesn’t like Severus Snape. But Draco, canonically, likes alchemy and potion-making, and Severus has, in this verse, had the opportunity to become a rather world-renowned name in the field. Draco, deep down and so secretly he barely admits it to himself (right next to where he hides his massive, debilitating crush on Harry), wants an apprenticeship with Severus when he’s older. So he’s bitter about it, and even more bitter because he’d entertained hopes of befriending Maeve, selling it to his father as luring her away from her family, but honestly mostly just in the hopes of getting an in with famous Potioneer and Alchemist Severus Snape. But no, she’s friends with Harry Potter, the bane of Draco’s entire existence. So he’s an even more pissy little shit than usual.
And that’s the summer, so now they’re off to Hogwarts. Except, of course, Dobby. And this is where things start getting complicated. Because I think Dobby would still stop Neville going through the barrier, since it’s one of the surest ways to stop or delay him, a point he has to pass through, and there’s no way around, and there’s a time limit. He probably has sneaky ways to make sure the Longbottoms are late, so there wouldn’t even be drama of there being a lot of people stuck, not just Neville. But would Ron be with him? Was any of the delay the Weasleys suffered Dobby’s fault? Do they get there earlier? So here’s the real important question:
9) Does Neville fly the car to Hogwarts?
9a) If the Weasleys are even there, does Ron even get stuck with Neville? Or is it someone else? The twins? Ginny?
I hadn’t thought of that before, but that could be interesting, actually. The two of them would be so shy around each other, Neville just naturally timid and self-effacing, and GInny over-come by her hero-worship crush. But Ginny is bold, when she’s not intimidated by trying to impress her crush, so if Neville did mention waiting by the car, I think she would be daredevil and stubborn enough to suggest flying it to school. I think the lure of all that time alone with her crush would be enough to make her push, even if Neville was hesitant and dubious.
Still, the question stands. Either way, he gets to Hogwarts eventually. And Ginny, Maeve, and Luna are devastated to realise they’re all in different houses, but Harry encourages them to not let house divisions come between them.
Which, speaking of house divisions, brings me to a plot point I really like. Of course, because they’re both in Slytherin, Harry and Draco can’t have their epic Quidditch rivalry. There can only be one Slytherin Seeker, after all. So, of course, they both try out, and it’s a furious competition, and they’re almost neck-and-neck. And eventually, Marcus Flint decides one of them is reserve Seeker, while the other gets the actual positions. So, of course, before every match, the reserve Seeker tries to sabotage the actual Seeker so that they get to play in the match. So of course, when the next year rolls around, and the reserve Seeker gets to be on the actual team, the new reserve Seeker sabotages them right back.
I think that, behaviour-wise, it makes more sense for Draco to be the reserve Seeker in their second year, to start off the whole sabotage-drama? I think Harry would be petty enough to try sabotaging Draco (remember, he is a Slytherin this go around), especially if he thought Marcus Flint had shown favouritism by picking Draco. (Maybe because of the broom-bribe?) But I haven’t even begun to think how it might play out in later years, so I’m not sure.
And following on from the quidditch-related questions; given that Neville doesn’t play quidditch, there can’t be any rogue bludger, so there really need to be other ways for Dobby to attempt to injure Neville enough to get sent home. I have no idea what they might be, though. I mean, Neville is already clumsy, so maybe he just seems to be having an Extra Clumsy Year or something, but that doesn’t seem like enough? I thought maybe, that if he didn’t fly the car to Hogwarts, this might be a good way for Neville to encounter the Whomping Willow? He is, after all, really interested in Herbology. Dobby might engineer an incident there?
I really ought to reread the second book (or listen to the audiobook, at least), because I’m a bit fuzzy on the order of events, but I think the only crucial plot point before the whole rogue bludger thing was the Deathday Party, right? I think that would all happen pretty much the same. No reason for it not to, really. And then, of course, because Dobby is trying to injure Neville, even without the bludger, he probably would end up in the hospital wing eventually, and Colin Creevey would try to visit him. But hey, would Ginny go with him? I kind of like the idea that they became sort of friends, bonding over their shared crushes on Neville. But if she goes with him, does she get petrified, too? That kind of ruins the whole only-muggle-borns streak right out of the gate, but it might be an interesting avenue to explore?
10) Who gets to be Slytherin Seeker first? Harry or Draco?
11) How does Dobby attempt to not-kill Neville?
12) Does Ginny go with Colin to visit Neville in the hospital wing?
12a) If she does, does she get petrified? Or does she avoid it?
12b) If she does avoid it; how?
And then we come to the duelling club. No Sev here, he’s free of that blasted classroom, so who does Lockhart rope in as his ‘assisstant’? My first thought was Flitwick, since he’s the renowned duelist on staff. But then I thought: McGonagall. Can you imagine McGonagall getting stuck having to deal with Lockhart in full on show-off mode? I think it might even be as entertaining as the actual canon dueling club.
Draco still summons a snake, and Neville still talks to it, and everyone still thinks he’s the Heir of Slytherin, as per canon. Only, in this verse, Neville actually has sort-of-friends in Slytherin. They’re not close, but they know and like each other, and Slytherin house is losing it’s collective mind at the notion of an actual real life parseltongue at Hogwarts. Jealousy and awe run rampant, and Harry and Tracey can tell Neville all about it. And most importantly, when Neville starts angsting over how it’s a Dark Art and maybe he is just a failure and an awful person deep down, Blaise, a well-educated pureblood from a Slytherin family can tell Neville all about the good parseltongues. (I really hate how inconsistent JKR was about that sort of thing. Dumbledore says “It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” and yet JKR doesn’t have one example of a natural born parseltongue being good. Fuck you, madam. Fuck. You.)
When I was a kid, one of my favourite books was D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths, and one of the stories in it that stuck with me was the story of Melampus, who nursed a nest of orphaned snakes, and in return they licked his ears so clean he could hear and understand the language of animals. If that isn’t a perfect ‘origin of parseltongue’ story (Blaise: The muggles got it a bit wrong, of course, it wasn’t all animals, even snakes aren’t that wise, but they did teach him their own language) I don’t know what is. And he used the knowledge he gained from talking to them to heal. That, in fact, Parseltongue was known as a language of healing until only very recently. (Snakes are literally part of the symbol of western medicine ffs.)
And that maybe in other countries, like India and China, parseltongue is practically revered. They have their own parseltongue lines, and they’re honoured and maybe even rulers. (Are Chinese/East Asian Dragons snake-like enough to speak parseltongue? Do they speak dragonese? Are they bilingual?)
And Merlin, okay. I headcanon that Merlin was a parseltongue. Because I don’t care what JKR may have said on the subject, Merlin existed sometime around 500AD, which is five hundred years before Hogwarts even existed. He could not have been a Slytherin. However, I do really like the idea of him being Slytherin’s ancestor. (Which would also help explain Slytherin’s reputation for being obsessed with lineage. If I had Merlin in my family tree, I’d fucking brag about it, too.) And modern witches and wizards who aren’t historians only know vaguely that he’s associated with Slytherin, which then gets mistaken for him being in Slytherin. And any sufficiently educated witch or wizard (Hermione) will get so frustrated with that misconception because the dates don’t even match up you uneducated nitwit.
And of course Slytherins have a different opinion on Slytherin himself. Maybe when Hermione hears Tracey, a muggleborn like herself, defending the most famous hater of muggleborns in history (besides Voldemort), she gets all geared up for a Research Project, and she and Tracey disappear into the library together for hours on hours looking for unbiased sources and historical accounts of what Slytherin was actually like.
Sorry about that tangent, I just have a lot of feelings about parseltongues and Slytherin and Merlin and Greek Myths. Anyway, back to the plot; I think the whole Christmas drama with the polyjuice potion should just be scrapped. It just doesn’t work when the Boy Who Lived has friends in Slytherin and can just ask. I think Harry would definitely be of the opinion that Draco really probably isn’t the Heir (Harry: If Malfoy were descended from Slytherin himself, I think we would have heard about it by now. At great length. In detail. Every day.)
But maybe there was still a bit of an incident over Christmas, because Draco was mouthing off about how he hopes the next attack kills someone, and Harry argues with him, and it turns into a massive thing, with students from all years weighing in on this side or that. And Maeve is just sitting in the corner shrinking in her seat because she’s really starting to think ‘what if it’s me?’
So she tries to get rid of the diary. Maybe she confides in Ginny and Luna. (Or, just Luna, if Ginny is petrified...) I think she probably actually showed them the diary in the first place, and Luna made some vaguely disturbing comments about it, and Ginny thought it was neat, but they didn’t get sucked in like Maeve did, and they’ve been really kind of worried about her, so when she goes to them and explains - not all of it, she’s too frightened to admit to all of it, but she does tell them she thinks there’s something wrong with the diary, that maybe it’s hurting her - they’re (Luna’s) really relieved to help her get rid of it.
But does Neville find it? I mean, the whole thing is such a damn coincidence, but... hmm, Harry did find his way right to the diadem in the Room of Requirement, so if we work on the basis that Horcruxes are at least somewhat aware of each other and possibly even drawn to each other, then I think Neville would have to find it. (Whew, at least that’s one plot-bending point avoided.)
Next is Valentine’s Day. Ugh. This all depends on whether Ginny is petrified or not, doesn’t it? That’s probably an arguement for her not being petrified, because I can’t think of anyone else who has the right connections here. Of course, what the hell would happen if Neville kept the diary? Or would Maeve just steal it out of his bag at some point? I think she would have to. But if Ginny’s awake, then it goes basically like it did in canon, only Maeve is with Ginny when Neville’s bag splits, and she’s the one who panics over Neville having it, and she’s the one who convinces Ginny to help her steal it back. (Because if Tom was hurting Maeve, he might end up hurting Neville, and Ginny would love the idea of getting to be the hero that saves her idol from some soul-sucking diary. You can imagine the pre-adolescent daydreams the entire escapade fueled.)
Speaking of daydreams and romance, I love the idea of the entirety of the male-attracted population of Slytherin getting into a vicious fued over whether Lockhart is crush-worthy or not. Because, like him or not, the man is devious, and successful, and that’s got to be attractive to a lot of Slytherins. On the other hand, he wouldn’t know subtle if it jumped up and whacked him over the head with a brick. (I’m really torn as to what side of the equation Draco would fall on. On the one hand, he isn’t exactly subtle either, so there’s really good grounds for thinking he might be just as bad as Hermione about it all. On the other hand, I can’t help but feel that he’s much more likely to have a teacher-crush on Lupin, and obviously massively resent it and be a little brat about it just like he is about his crush on Harry. ...Although I suppose ‘why not both?’ does sort of apply here XD) Blaise is obviously very anti-Lockhart, and so is Daphne, Pansy is very pro-Lockhart, and so is Millicent. Harry, Tracey, and Theo just do not get what the fuss is all about, leave them out of it, please. That’s how Harry makes friends with Theo.
And then Hermione gets petrified. Only it’s not Penelope with her, it’s Tracey. Because they’ve been spending so much time together in the library researching Slytherin. (And also because Dean’s ‘just chuck out all the Slytherins’ speech pissed me right off, and I really wish JKR had actually put effort into debunking all the forms of prejudice in the books, not just the ones she set up to be distasteful. Not all Muggles are magic-hates, and not all Slytherins are Death Eaters.) And Tracey getting petrified would change a lot of the school’s attitude, because suddenly, no one is safe. The Slytherins aren’t All In On It, they’re just as much at risk as anybody else. No one knows where to look or where to point the finger.
And then there’s the whole thing with the spiders that I don’t even know where to start with. Obviously, Neville is going to get told by the Diary that Hagrid was the one to unleash the monster, so he would go talk to Hagrid, but... Not only is there the question of whether he would have stayed long enough to hear Hagrid’s warning without the Invisibility Cloak (which I still dunno if he has or not?), but... Would he really actually go looking for ‘answers’ in the Forbidden Forest? Which is where he was almost mauled by Voldemort once already. Ron certainly isn’t going to encourage him. If he does somehow go, how does he escape, given that maybe the car isn’t there? Argh. This whole thing becomes a complete mess with the possible changes of earlier and I have no idea what to do with it all. I just know that he does, somehow, need to be inspired to realise that Myrtle is the one the basilisk killed.
Or maybe he doesn’t? Is there some other way Neville could find the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets? Maybe Neville just... asks a snake? He could do that. There have to be some snakes at Hogwarts, and they must have heard the basilisk roaming about. Or, hey, maybe Luna helps? If Ginny was petrified, it might inspire her to investigate, in her own way, and she might find things others would miss. (Maybe she would just... go around asking all the ghosts if they know what happened fifty years ago.)
And that’s not getting into the whole issue of the adventure in the Chamber. Obviously, it’s Maeve that gets taken this time, so maybe it should be Harry that goes with Neville to the Chamber? Or maybe (if she’s not petrified) it should be Ginny? ...I feel I should mention that I don’t ship Ginny/Neville, and that’s not going to be end-game. She’s going to get over her crush and stay over it. And maybe actually getting to go on an adventure with the Boy Who Lived, getting to know how awful it is, how not-heroic it all it, how it’s just desperation and fear and muddling through as best you can, would help take the shine off her hero-worship and let her really start seeing Neville as a person, not a hero.
And then there’s also the problem of Lockhart. Do they take him along? Does Neville even think to go to him or does he just go on his own (or with Ron or Harry or Ginny or Luna or someone) because Someone Has To? I have no idea what to do with Lockhart, but given the curse something bad has to happen to him, right? And if the Flying Car thing didn’t happen, Ron’s wand isn’t broken, which means an obliviate wouldn’t backfire.
13) How does Neville find the Chamber of Secrets?
13a) If he goes to ask Hagrid about it, how would not having the Invisibility Cloak change things?
13b) If he does go into the Forbidden Forest following spiders, how the hell would they get out of it if they didn’t fly the car to Hogwarts?
13c) How involved in the process is Harry and/or Blaise, given Tracey got petrified? How involved is Luna, if Ginny got petrified?
14) Who goes with Neville to the Chamber of Secrets, if anyone?
14a) Does Lockhart go with them?
15) How does the curse get rid of Lockhart? Is it the same backfiring memory charm as canon?
15a) Does the basilisk kill and/or eat him? If so, how would that change the later story given he wouldn’t be able to reappear in book 5? (I don’t think it would change it very much? But my memory of book 5 is the fuzziest, and I can’t remember ^^”)
16) Does the basilisk have to die? Or can Neville somehow steal ‘control’ from Diary!Riddle and/or free the basilisk from his control?
16a) If the basilisk does die, should Neville and/or Maeve find baby basilisks and decide to raise them to replace the dead one?
No matter what happens, in the end, Neville kills the Diary, Maeve wakes up, and they meet her parents in Slughorn’s office. Lily and Sev are both relieved and furious, and when Lily finds out that her daughter was possibly possessed by Voldemort’s memory, she threatens to just go back to Italy. Lucius shows up, Neville realises what happened, frees Dobby, etc. The petrified students all wake up, Hagrid gets back from Azkaban, and probably Gryffindor wins the House Cup, regardless of who actually went down to the Chamber with Neville? Idk. If anyone can remember more details about exactly how the points stood in second year lemme know. So, a couple of bonus questions, because I’m a forgetful dumbass:
17) How would Slughorn being Potions Master affect all of this? Would he make much of a difference? Or would he just be bumbling about in the background, and have as much effect on the plot as Flitwick, or Sinistra?
17a) Who’s in the Slug Club? Who got recruited right away (like Neville, obviously), and who gets picked up in later years as they grow and mature and their skills come to light?
18) Who wins the House Cup?
Aaand on to book 3. Good god, what the hell am I even going to do with that, given, like, all of the major players just... aren’t, in this AU? I’ll think about that, and try to get a semi-coherent ramble full of yet more obnoxious questions written soon. ...Ish.
...Why do I do this to myself? XD
#Harry Potter#Snily#Slytherin!Harry#Neville Longbottom#role swap AU#Severus x Lily#OC#Ginny Weasley#Chamber of Secrets#Neville as the Boy Who Lived#not!fic#writerly ramblings#I have a lot of feelings about historically-misrepresented!Slytherin#and I'm also a complete idiot#who remembered that Severus ISN'T the potions teacher in this AU#but forgot that of course that means Slughorn IS#and that means the Slug Club is still a thing#more school politics to figure out#WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?#oh right it's because this is actually less stressful that real life
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
mental health stuff
don’t really plan on dumping personal stuff on this blog but since tumblr killed my nsfw mains I kind of need somewhere to vent. Even if this blog is new and I don’t really have mutuals who know me... idk. Maybe I’m trying to trick my brain into feeling like I have an outlet to vent.
Anyway.
Medicine woes, man. I’ve been having my medicine tweaked because I wanted to be on less. I’ve been on a ton of medication since a hospital stay two (or maybe a year and a half?) ago. And it made me SO tired and eventually started prompting all day crying sessions apropos of literally nothing.
So they cut my meds and changed the big one to one with way less side effects. Like no tiredness or appetite fuckery or anything.
Except my OCD has gotten debilitating. Which has knocked my anxiety into the stratosphere. Which has me not taking my ritalin as often because I’m so high-strung. Which has me completely unable to focus on anything other than OCD rituals. Cue me going from the kitchen to the sofa until 7AM in the morning because I can’t go to bed until I’ve thought the right thoughts in the right order while doing the right things yet.
And I’ve told this to my husband and my doctor, but I might be underselling how bad the OCD is flaring up. I don’t want to be put on my old meds while they try to figure out what to do next. I don’t know for sure that this isn’t just a spell of really bad OCD that will mellow out on its own.
If I’m being real, the actual reason I’m underselling it is probably that after having OCD for most of my life, it’s still the condition I’m most embarrassed about. There’s something inherently uncomfortable about telling even a psychiatrist:
“You know how I just left and came back in? That wasn’t because I left my phone in the waiting room like I said. I was thinking the wrong order of thoughts when I came in, and I needed a do-over where I came in thinking the right thoughts because if I don’t someone I love might die. Yes, I know how that sounds. Intellectually I know that is absolutely not going to happen, but my lizard brain says it will and it’s easier to do what lizard brain says so it’ll shut up for a goddamn second. So I walked out and came back in and I wanted to do it again but couldn’t think of a good excuse so I haven’t been listening to you these past few seconds. Lizard brain is screaming about this psychic butterfly effect it’s assuring me I just created.”
fml. It’s so much easier to tell someone you’re acting off because you’re depressed or manic or disassociating or even oscillating between all those things. It’s way harder to try and explain why you just turned the television off and on fifteen times while trying to watch a movie.
“Sorry. My OCD is out of hand right now.”
*for the hundredth time despite having it explained to them before.* “I really don’t think you’re OCD. You’re not a neat freak.”
*dying inside* “Haha, no. I haven’t cleaned in a week because it has too many steps for me to individually do rituals before and after each one. Haha, I don’t have the germaphobic kind of OCD. My OCD relates more to like doing literally anything and self harm and stuff... haha... ha.”
4 notes
·
View notes
Photo
I swear I jinxed myself. Got over my cold and ended up back in the hospital with a pinched nerve and ordered bed rest for the next two days. FML. . On a brighter note I finally got my hands on this series after having it recommended to me by multiple people. Probably won't start it it till after the new year. Was thrilled to find them second hand for about $12 total. . What's your favorite second hand find? https://www.instagram.com/p/BqcY-R-nmm2/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1jsl727xsfvvm
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
...someone, please, commission a fanfiction, so i can justify getting the new WTNV liveshow, ALL HAIL
also, if more than one want to like, commission, it’ll make paying the 6mth car registration much easier (if you pay 12mth it’s cheaper, but that’s a one lump sum of like 700ish bucks, who the FUCK can just hand that over? so the two 6mth payments are like 400 each fml, but if you want to keep your car legal and also pay for the council/government to maintain the roads... ya gotta pay
also, the fee for AFTER the due date is pretty steep too. maybe start cutting politician fucking wages and their 80k a year retirement deal, fund some schools, roads, hospitals and such)
in the long term: that’s fair, I get it.
on the other hand, a lot of people could stand to pay a tiny bit extra for the chance to do split rego into paying three or four times a year.
like, $200ish four times a year? Not as much of a hit as suddenly having a month to find 400+, bc its not like you get a greater warning period.
but then the government is causing a clusterfuck no matter what it touches (it requires all work-for-the-dole mandatory participants to have smart phones... to report attendance at activities... like, are you fucking kidding us? who can afford that shit? not the people on newstart, that’s who...) wouldn’t want them having a go at splitting payments more, they’d mess it up fiercely
i forgot what my original intention was and now it’s a bizarre rant
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
a lovely day
Today could have been really bad. With the way I woke up feeling, all hell could have broke loose then. I had to really figure out what the issue was.... Honestly I think I was just tired. And didn’t want to wake up quite yet. once I had my cup of coffee, the world as I knew it wasn’t completely melting. Cause my brain was really trying to convince myself that my life was as worse as it could be. AND I knew that was NOT true. My wise mind told me otherwise, and I just stuck through. I called a few people, not even venting, just checking in. Most people were busy, so I ended the call quickly, but even that my brain was trying to tell me, See, people don’t even want to talk to you because you are such a fucking loser. Which obviously wasn’t true. I read the room, people have their own lives, and had things to do. just because I just woke up, doesn’t mean that people have not been awake for hours, doing Saturday shit ya know. (it was 2:00pm) Then I realized my child needed to go to the doctors. I had a baby shower that I needed to be getting ready for right at that moment, but NO. My child came first. And I did not argue with that. I accepted it for what it was. got to urgent care just to see there was a 3-4 hour wait. I was ready to throw the whole day away at that point. after waiting in line to check in, I had to be given a pager just to sit down and come back up to actually be checked in. That took 30 minutes. So i just knew I wasn’t going to the baby shower. in the midst of all that, right before I was getting my pager, babe called me to tell me our keys were tripping, and the car wouldn’t start. FML. I have been doing quick fixes for a few weeks to give us time to get to the dealership. But of course haven’t made it. Anxious because of covid restrictions at the hospital I ran out to try to do my quick fixes again. They weren’t working like I had hoped they would. I told babe to take our oldest son to get food across the street. I was trying everything and more. Had our car hood up, and so many sweet people were asking if we needed a jump. it just warmed my heart. But continuing to focus on the mission, I eventually got the car started RIGHT before our pager was going off :D I ran back into the hospital, got checked in, and the wait time was significantly reduced because of my sons age. 3.5 hours got cut to 45 minutes. I asked babe to go to the dealership to handle the keys while we waited. I got a call from him saying how smug the dealership was being when it came to helping him. and he didn’t even get helped because the “department” we needed closed an hour ago. That would have been so cool if the rep I called and asked questions to told me when we were on the phone as the department closed. ANYWHO, by the time I got done with my little one, we still had enough time to make it to the baby shower. with my baby being well enough to still go, I jumped on it, because I had so much stuff to give them that was waiting, ready to go to a new home. I was already several hours late. literally by the time I arrived, according to the invitation, it was over. But it wasn’t really. I still had time to visit, and watch them open gifts.. I drove back to their house to give them all the stuff I had.
I write all of that to say, it was trying to be resilient and still go to that baby shower. I committed myself months ago. I had been trying to meet up with my cousin for weeks to get him that stuff. but everything happened today for a reason. I really realized my strength today. not physically, but mentally. a few months ago I would have said fuck it. they’ll understand. but not only did I know deep down I wanted to go, I would have regret it otherwise. once the keys started tripping at the hospital, I was ready to be done then. just make my baby an appointment, or have my mom take me to emergency once I got the car figured out. But I tackled everything today one thing at a time. Can’t overwhelm myself if I only focus on one task at once!!
as I sit at home now, I am soooo happy with how today went. it was eventful. productive. and just beautiful. Seeing the mom and dad to be was beautiful in its own. but to also see all of their(mine as well) family together celebrating new life. It was at a park so kids were playing, and having a great time. I got to visit and chat with family I haven’t seen in almost a year. It felt so good passing along all the items my children have outgrown. The first time parents were so grateful, and I got to clear some space out of my overcrowded home. I can actually say it was a lovely day.
0 notes
Text
please read. it’s long. but i need to say this:
Broken in the past year:
Dishwasher, refrigerator, microwave, furnace, water heater, toilet, gas fireplace, TV, 2 laptops, 2 cellphones, my eyeglasses, the locking system, door handle, driver window (stuck DOWN not up, of course) and catalytic converter on my 15 year old minivan and the other car, a 22 year old beloved 4 Runner had to be junked because it was so decrepit and unfixable (it’s a credit to those amazing early generation Runners though, because it made 260,000 miles and basically ran on Marvel Mystery Oil, Seafoam, and pep talks at the end), then I found out that my home has serious foundation issues, and now, NOW, the dryer.
My new (used) Mustang got hit ONE WEEK after I bought it, by a drunk guy in a big ol F150, as I was my way home to kansas after caring for three (3!!!) family members in the hospital in Utah for four months. The whole time I was in Utah, I was like, holy god these guys are shockingly bad drivers (and I’ve driven extensively around a ton of states). There’s this move I call The Utah Special, a lane changing move where they don’t signal, they don’t check their blind spots, they don’t move vertically….they just horizontally zoom into a space they want in the next lane. I saw so many near misses and actual accidents during my time there. And lo and behold, LITERALLY AS I’M ON MY WAY OUT OF THAT HELL STATE, at the motherfreakin base of the canyon, four hours from Colorado and freedom from the religious insanity and repression that manifests as the angriest, most aggressive, flat out incompetent drivers I’ve ever seen, a jackalope did the Utah Special on me and my new car.
It screwed up the alignment and tire pressure monitor and left a big dent on the drivers door. Luckily i didn’t run into the giant concrete wall that he spun me into, because I’m an experienced driver, esp in correcting a bad, fast turn, but it was close. The guy is now trying to avoid payment so I’ve been driving around with a beatup looking car.
One month after i got back to Lawrence, a guy backed into me at the store, and I ended up using the 100 bucks he gave me for groceries, and trying to buff out the back myself, which didn’t work. This is my childhood dream car btw, the only nice thing I’ve ever owned (and it looks a lot nicer than it is, it’s very bare bones inside and out, it just looks slick. It took almost two years and three states of looking to find a good Mustang for such a low price).
And now.
Now I’ve got a gutted dryer, parts spread out to hell and gone, because Samsung dryers have the worst design and the cheapest parts (seriously, don’t ever buy Samsung appliances. Three different parts stores and repair people told me they refuse to work on Samsungs or carry parts for them any more because the design is so bad and the parts are so cheap). I thought I fixed it by replacing the circuit board, but now I think it’s the thermal fuse switch which is located UNDER and BEHIND the drum, not in the more accessible places other brands put it. But that’s not irritating enough, no no, now it turns out I have to learn how to solder because they didn’t use screws or plugs for the fuse mount, no no, they soldered it on, so I had to drill the fucker out and and buy a solder iron and now I’m watching how-to-solder videos on youtube.
And (of course there’s an AND) the charging port on my 3rd used cell phone broke, and I don’t have time to order a replacement port and do it myself, so I took it into one of those overpriced walk in places (for $130 dollars!!! for fifteen minutes work). Picked it up five minutes before they closed last night, and now the screen is unresponsive. According to the good people of the internet, since I can’t get it to reboot, it’s probably a badly seated digitizer that got bumped when they did the replacement. I have to take a break from my how-to-solder videos and go in and convince a bunch of 20 year old guys to fix my phone and not charge me for it.
So. This is a lot.
And because we are in the aptly named bad timeline, my personal life has pretty much echoed all the broken down stuff. I have had some weird, hard to diagnose, health crap that cost me one job and has prevented me from finding another. So I just do a bunch of volunteer stuff now, and keep applying to worse and worse jobs, hoping someone, somewhere will take me. My new dog (who I adopted because I’ve been so overwhelmed and stressed, I was freaking out one day and my sister was like, I KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO, YOU NEED A DOG, and she was one hundred percent right, everything is better with a good dog) got attacked at the park, by a Husky owned by a RedditGuy, who then RAN when I was trying to revive my dog, and drove away in a Mercedes with a license obscurer. The only reason I know who he is, is because a quick thinking teenager ran after him and tried to get his name (which the guy wouldn’t give) and the teen took pics of him with his cellphone (don’t shit on Millenials around me, just don’t. All I see are good kids doing good stuff under bad circumstances). (Also, just fwiw, there are all kinds of Huskies being surrendered at shelters and involved in attacks because, and this is so dumb it just kills me, people are watching Game of Thrones and deciding they want their very own Direwolf, without having the experience or willingness to take on a breed that needs a lot of training and reinforcement and care. Huskies are great dogs if they have great owners, like a lot of other great but high-care breeds).
The medical bills were over $4000, which I had to take a loan out for. There was a court hearing, and the judge ruled in my favor, and ordered the guy to pay, by March 1st. You won’t be surprised at all, because FML, that the guy hasn’t paid, and is contesting it, which means more court stuff. This has all been stressful as hell, but this dog is genuinely the most amazing dog I’ve ever had; he is worth any trouble and expense. I would sell my Mustang, if I had to, to keep this tiny, adorable fuzzball (some kind of poodle-terrier mix, I think, I dunno. He was a rescue dog who was fostered with an inmate in a local prison, Safe Harbor Prison Dogs, check it out, they’re great) I’ve never had a companion dog before. I’ve had family dogs who have all been great, but I’ve never had one where they are bred to be a companion, that’s their work, like a work-dog needs work to be happy and sane. He is carrying my kid and me in his soft little paws; he does good work, this guy. He is always happy, very energetic when you want, calm and cuddly when you want, incredibly sensitive and attuned, unnervingly intelligent and a joy to train, and as soft as a bunny. I have to brush him every single day because of his crazy Fizzgig hair, but that’s fine. He rides on my shoulder in the car and fits inside a tote bag so I can sneak him lots of places. I’ve socialized him from the beginning (which is why I was at that damn park) so he’s totally silent in public places like stores. He loves people, especially kids, and if I ever get off the job-hunting, broken-thing-fixing treadmill, I’d like to volunteer him as a therapy dog in hospitals or wherever. He’s like my very own Daemon, my own Pantalaimon. A gift and a blessing at any time, but especially now, when things are Challenging.
Then. Then the worst thing. Something really bad happened to my one of my kids. Something so bad that I can’t talk about it in a public place like this. I can barely talk about it in my Al-Anon support group. I spend a lot of energy not thinking about it. I have learned a lot of things in the past few years, like A LOT. I know so much more now, about so many, many things. But this bad thing is something I wish I never knew, and it’s not fixable, only recoverable.
I have never, ever been so continually sad and angry. It’s been bad timing for my mental health, the Me Too movement. I had a friend visit and he was talking about it, and was telling me that it’s turned into a witch hunt, that things aren’t really this bad for women, that maybe women and men just speak different languages and have different needs and wants, that if things have been this bad, why didn’t women say something sooner, and I just….I couldn’t talk. He wanted me to give him specific examples of male violations in my life, and I literally didn’t know where to start. I can list so many, like every woman alive. I could list hundreds of small things, things where you just accept it because what else can you do, and other things, things that were not small, but you ignore, because you actually know the guy and you know he’s genuinely a mostly good guy, or trying to be, or will be some day, or has a family who loves and depends on him, or maybe I didn’t have the vocabulary or confidence or experience to safely call him out then, or maybe I didn’t know if calling him out would ruin his life, and for real, I could see that he would some day evolve into A Good Man, An Ally, and I didn’t want to jeopardize that. Because that’s real, that dynamic. It doesn’t fit into any black and white social media woke doctrine, but it’s real. I have hurt people through ignorance, and I have learned and evolved, and there have been a few specific times where I can look back in gratitude that someone educated me in a gracious, patient way, because it changed me for the better. Do men know this? That people like me aren’t calling them on stuff? That the problem is much, much worse than the revelations of the Me Too movement? That we let pretty much all the small and medium stuff go? Do they know? Are they so uneducated, so culturally indoctrinated, so blind, to other men’s bad behavior, to their own, that they really think that this is all an over-reaction or mixed signals or just women looking to be angry about something???
I know it’s a lot more complicated than that, because goddamn life usually is. There have been hundreds of not-terrible and semi-bad violations in my 40 years, that I’ve just lived with, and then there’s been a handful of genuinely, life-altering-ly bad ones. The ones that teach you to to beware, that there are predators who prey, and you are just meat. But I couldn’t articulate any of this to this friend, this guy who feels so defensive and attacked by the movement. No one has accused him of anything, he’s just feeling defensive. He thinks people are unfair to men, that men are trying their best, that women need to explain more nicely.
I have been so angry, about so much, for months now. I usually blow up fast and I’m done. I’m usually the poster girl for Onward And Upward, Life Is Beautiful, Everything’s Awesome. This constant anger is exhausting. And I wish I was only angry, but I’m also broken-hearted. Broken. Everything’s broken, everything keeps breaking. Bad people, careless people, indifferent people, they keep ruining things and getting away with things. The news isn’t good, not politically, not economically, not environmentally, not anything. All signs point to things getting much, much worse.
I will say this, I am smarter than I was a year ago.
I seem to only learn by doing, to learn the hard way. I know a lot more now. Like A LOT, in a pretty short span of time. I am not the same person I was a year ago. I am not as sweet, and not as optimistic, but I am seasoned. I’m better at problem solving. I know there's always going to be another damn thing, whatever it is. I know the importance of good tools and resources and support, whether it’s fixing broken cars or broken hearts. That came out trite, but it’s true. I’ve learned that sometimes the only good thing to come out of a bad thing is knowledge, if you use it to recover or evolve, or to help someone else. Sometimes the only silver lining is that you’ve got newfound empathy. We need more empathy in the world, so that’s not nothing. I am so, so worried about the future, about what my kids are going to have to learn in order to navigate their own personal and cultural despair. They’re gonna have to get tougher, faster, while protecting their gentle hearts and giving natures. That’s tricky. I hope they’ll remember that we’re in this together, that the only way to survive is by leaning on and helping each other. Another thing that sounds trite, but is the truest thing I know. I’ve learned to talk about things, to ask questions, to ask again if I don’t understand (and again, and again), and to say to people, I need you, I’m stuck, I’m headfucked, I’m heartfucked, help. Help me. Using your resources, whether they’re youtube how-to videos, therapy, doctors, friends, Al-Anon groups, dogs, whatever, is the only way I know how to get over and through.
It’s kind of strange to FEEL how much stronger I am right now, than a year ago. Because things are much worse; something that would have broken me for good, if Then-Me had known. But Now-Me has soldiered through some shit by leaning hard on my resources, and because of those resources, not through inner grit or stoicism, but the resources, I’m tougher, smarter, better equipped. I am not exactly happier, but I do have happy moments. That’s a big deal. I am afraid for the future, but I know that, at least as long as I’m able to fight, I CAN fight.
I have leaned on some of you here. Some of you are my safe places, are resources, tools, friends. Genuine, real ones. I am stronger because of you. I can write and write, but never truly articulate what that has meant, what it means to me. You know how vets are with other vets? The way they’ll meet up after they leave the military, and fall into each other’s arms, the way they trust each other for the rest of their lives? I feel that way about you guys. I’ve been in the motherfucking foxhole, and some of you guys climbed in and covered my head and held my shaking hands. I just have no words. The ‘no atheists in a foxhole’ thing isn’t true. I still don’t believe in God, but I believe in friends, in good people, in the righteous fighters who get no acclaim, no awards, but quietly, bravely, change the world around them a little at a time, to great cumulative effect. I can say I love you, I’m so grateful, you’re wonderful, but really, I have no words other than, thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU.
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
Dec 12
So, a lot of changes has happened since my grandma's funeral. We came home that Monday. My sister C ended up getting sick with liver failure, from taking a shit ton of Tylenol & drinking herself stupid for years. This I will come back to.
In our home, Alex got upset at my eldest girl, T again (on the 29th). Flat out said to me, in front of all the kids, mind you, that "either he's going or she does." I said "okay, we'll go." I was so upset. I cried a little. Then, got busy on my computer. I looked for jobs and rentals. And I slept on the couch, without really saying anything to Alex. I told my girl, she shouldn't worry, but she did. I seen it in her face. That was the piss off part. Like, how dare you threaten our security, once again, especially knowing this is the one thing she's terrified of. Like, my kid has had it rough. She grew up problematic and got shit taken out on her. Her step-mom would tell her how bad she is, call her a bitch within hearing range, and always kick them out of her house. So, understandably, she has issues with trusting that she'd be welcomed here no matter what. He should know these things. He should know we have to try to make her feel wanted, and loved, and secure for her to start changing her behaviours. So, why say that shit to her? Geez.
Anyways, next day I went out and viewed a place, emailed a bunch of other ones AND got an interview. Alex carried on asking me if I was leaving, I said I'm trying to, he says I shouldn't "but should try to make her act better." 😒 Boy, I wanted to scream. I didn't tho. I'm so non-confrontational and that sucks about me, so I didn't say much. I slept on the couch again. Following day, he asks why I slept on the couch again. So, again, that bothered me, but I didn't say anything. We ended up carrying on, like nothing happened. I bet our counselor is gonna have a field day with that one, cuz I wrote to her the night of complaining about everything. I really thought we'd leave. Lol. But I didn't get the houses. "Too many kids" and no job. I tried to explain I was good for the money, which I would have been. Not the point tho, they can't just trust my word. Lol. Understandable. 🤷♀️ Weird thing about all of this whole situation is, I felt completely fine and maybe a little bit relieved at the thought of being on my own with my kids. I hated the thought of leaving my youngest here, and sharing him. But still, that thought bugs me now cuz I'm still here. Wondering what it means? Lol. Shit. Plus, he left for work. Today is Sat, he left Sunday. Even that, I was okay with him being gone. I get to chill out with my kids not worrying about him losing it again. He'll be back after Christmas break starts. On the 20th, I think. We still msg everyday, telling each other we love each other. Cuz we do, I don't doubt that. It's just all a bit confusing. We'll work on it. 🤞
I got the job tho. 😁 I'm a EA sub for the city's school division. I got the interview on the 4th, I got everything I needed to hand in that Monday the 7th, started working on the 10th. Could have been the 8th, but I put start day for the 9th, then said I was unavailable lol. But, main thing is I'm working now. Like, for real. Crazy. I'm 32, with my first real ass, legit ass job. I was emotional that first drive up to the city. Thinking about how differently I felt bout myself. It may not seem like much to most, but hf, I did it.! And best part is, the city is short on EAs apparently, so my boss offered me a contract, starting in Jan. She offered me before I even got dispatched, so that was on Wed. So, I'm waiting. Hoping I can get papers signed before the province decides to shut down schools again. Cuz everyone thinks they will. 😬 But we will see.
I'll either be saving for being ready to go out on my own, OR a life with Alex for an extension on our house. I hope it's all of us for the rest of one of our lives lol. But I just never know. I could be in love with him one moment, and the next, he just kills it with the shit he says. So, idk. I'll be ready for whatever.
& moving onto my sister. After the funeral, she went to the clinic, got sent to the closest hospital, then flown out here to the major hospital. They out her to sleep and breathing tube. She's had liver & kidney damage, and something about her gall bladder. (Idk how relevant this is, but this be the one that Alex first started dating, before we met lol). But we all thought we were gonna lose her. I was scared. Some how, she pulled through,and woke up after 10 days. She stayed in ICU for 3 or 4 days. Those days I was allowed to go visit. Then, last Thursday, she got moved to a floor where they'd monitor her, but ell enough to get out of ICU. What does she do? Check her damn self out of the hospital. And what did I do? Go fricken get her. This is the weekend Alex found out he was leaving, so we were really busy. I had no time to drop what I was doing to drive her home. She ended up staying on my couch for the weekend. Holy fuck, did she ever turn yellow. I was mad at her. But I still drove her home. I took her, and picked up my niece to come help me, so I can start working. Idk how she's doing. She says she's fine, but who knows for real? She has an appointment with the doctor on Monday. But that gets me mad. Like, try fucking living. We're all not ready to lose you woman. But, who really is "ready", right? Idk. We'll see.
And moving onto James' news. I found out from my girl's step sister, that he's been living at his grandma's. The same grandma that caused me so much stress in my life. Lol jk. I'll try not play the blame game. But, that bitch. (Srynotsry). So, I tried to call the lead investigator to tell her what I know. She was busy. That was 2 days ago. She was supposed to call me back but hadn't yet. Bitch, her too lol. Ugh, why do ppl suck?
And in other news, I got a ticket for being on my cell today. I might lose my.license for 30 days from being convicted. Long story, but I have a history of tickets. Got to a pint where, if I lose 2 or 3 more demerits, I get suspended. So, what to go dummy. My master plan is to drag it out and hopefully lose it during the summer months, so I could at least keep working. Idk man. Out of all the good things happening for me lately, it all went down the drain when this happened earlier today. I still feel like shit about it. Wondering whats gonna happen. I'm honestly scared. Fml.
But that's all I got for now. A lot to unload, and probably did a shit job telling it. Lol. But I'm tired. It was a long day, my dudes. G'night. ✌
0 notes
Text
eh okay so it's gonna get extremely personal despite it looking like i'm rambling about a game, and there's.... mentions of how bad my mental health had gone, so s.elf h.arm and such, so. ye. Fair warning.
I've been crying for five minutes (edit: it had been 5 mins when I started writting this post, now it's been half a hour, fml) over Sera's "Do everything for everyone, get sick. Not right." when she comments on the inquisitor's hand getting worse in worse and how she's worried for her and how she needs to make everyone know how great the inquisitor is.
Like istg d/ai may be the da game with the least interesting /plot/ but the companions had hit such cords with me and that fucking line. That. Fucking line.
I started playing Da when I was having a very bad mental health episode. Like, I was seriously being miserable when I started d/ao.
Things... hadn't calmed down, but DA gave me a real distraction from everything. Mental breakdowns happen less often. I have less episodes. When they happen they are truly bad, but it's not as often as it was before.
Playing those games gave me a sense of purpose and made me want to wake up in the morning and do stuff. And put myself a goal. That hadn't happened to me in ways too long. Which is kinda why i fell this deeply into da and how much I want to cherish it no matter what, that i don't want to let negative stuff ruin that.
Lately..... no in general, over the course of this last year, reflecting on my mental health - the main point I keep thinking over and over again is how much I basically wasted my whole life taking care of people around me, and how those very people pushed me to my limits to the point of breaking.
I don't know when my d/epression really started - my therapist told me i had symptoms since i'm 7 because of some occurances that happened to me, I can pinpoint my 13th yo as probably the biggest point I couldn't ignore it anymore since it's when I started self harming to cope with all this frustration I had inside me. But up until my 19yo, I tried. I was thinking that no matter what I wanted to be stronger than this, to overcome this. And help as much as I could meanwhile.
It's not like I could ignore the problems around me, I had to fix my parents's mess, my parents's mental health, I had to fix everything, and I had very few friends before high school, and I was always doing emotional labor for everyone I met. Before meeting my High school friends, it's not like i could rely on anyone - and it took me years to rely on my high school friends, after years of being close to them. And even know, I don't rely on anyone I trust as much as I could. as I should.
Then I had that major mental breakdown. The Infamous one lmao. Too many things accumulating at once. Before I turned 18, all I was thinking was "at least live until you pass your diploma", and once it was done I realized I spent my whole life fixing so much shit I hadn't projected myself further. I've been terrified ever since. That mental breakdown happened while i was having this crisis, and my studies, my father and some friends pushed my limits further, and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore.
Ever since that, I had felt like a failure. Like I couldn't even act properly, I couldn't even be a proper person. That no matter what I do, I can't even stand the pressure.
I got physical sickness out of my shitty mental health. Eczema, one of those instance that turned into a deadly sickness that I hadn't treated correctly because I was busy fixing others stuff- still now I have that fucking eczema on my hand I can't seem to get rid off, for years now. Because of stress, my stomach is barely functionable. I had a lot of panic attacks, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and s/uicidal idealization, big zoning out episodes that had put me in danger (multiple time I was.. coming back from school, and I just. zoned out in the middle of the street and I almost got ran over by a car. Very close. And it was shaking me back into reality and i was breaking down crying at the corner of the street. It happened about 3 times a day which was one of the reasons i dropped school since i was having panic attacks in class and those stuff happening when out of class).
And I felt like a failure. So damn much. That everything i've done, everything i've tried to do to help the world get better around me wasn't enough. That I wasn't strong enough.
I'm taking medications that almost completely negated the nightly panic attacks at least, most of them anyway - which makes that when they happen, they are a hundred times worse than before. My spiral downs are even worse because I try to balance it out.
And I felt terrible for years. Recovery scares me because at this point I don't know what to "recover".
And....... This past few months i've been thinking. A lot.
Instead of feeling like a failure, what I end up thinking now is that it's the world around me that failed me. I've done everything for everyone. I was 7, my sister ran away from home, and I was the one trying to hold the family together, being there for my mother, being there for my other sister who was closing of to me, defending them against my father's mean comments about it, while i was being bullied at school. And no one was there for me. I was 13 when my parents divorced, and I was there for my mother, who was lamenting, in her worst mental state, while my father was planning to strip her from everything, ruining her reputation, and I was managing it so he wouldn't be ruining her life, all while my sister blissfully ignored all of it and decided to cut ties with us for over a year - while i was bullied in classes, and had to move out, adapting to a new environment when i was bullied again, in a step family that was snarky, always degrading. And No one was there for me.
I was almost 15 when I got that fucking deadly disease spreading over my chest. Took months to be able to talk it out to one of my parents, for one of them to care. a fucking disease born out of stress, because I was managing another moving out, because I was adapting to a new school where, news flash, I was bullied, while my mom was always lamenting, asking me to do everything for her, while i was fighting another trial my father planned for us, aptemping to make our lives even more difficult, degrading us, while my sister was still blissfully ignoring us despite the fact we were in contact again. I got yelled at by the doctor because I was close to be hospitalized because of how much I neglected my own physicaly health. And all I was thinking was that I couldn't just stop because of that.
I was 17 when I ended up in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship who changed me for the worst, pushed me to isolation, and had me lost everything i had built before that, along with part of myself. And I was alone. Couldn't speak to it to my family bc they acted extremely homophobic at the idea i was in relationship with a girl, the couple of friends i had back then were too hurt by my actions that they never talked to me again, and my ex was blackmailing me all the time. And I had to get out of it alone.
And it goes on and on and on and on. I can't remember a time i wasn't actively struggling with keeping everything around me from falling apart.
And at this point, i'm so angry. Those last few months, i've felt so angry, and frustrated. I've done everything, for everyone, all my life, and it ruined me mentally and physically. And I don't even know why I should want to carry on. what I should want to live now.
I feel like I lost about 20 years of my life trying to keep everything from falling apart to the point I barely know how to keep myself together now. That I can't project myself, that I can't see further than my own private bubble. And i'm too tired to try to fix things again. Even if it's fixing myself. I'm just tired.
For months I've been frustrated now. I guess i still consider myself a bit of a failure, but I end up thinking it's everyone around me who failed me. Everyone who should have been there when I needed, who should have let me be someone.
And now I'm asked to find my path, to do my studies, find a job, and i'm terrified.
"Do everything for everyone, get sick. not right."
This had been the center of all my frustrations those past few months and i'm actually still crying right now, what the fuck.
Y'know, funnily enough, that's also why I hadn't forgiven BW's "you make saving the world look easy. the rest of us can only dream of matching what you've done" - because if there's anything i've managed to do with Laena as a character, is making a balance of showing she feels like she's falling apart, but will try to be cheerful so people don't suspect she's terrified of having to handle everything. This is probably the most personal thing I managed to ever put in a character, the game allowed me to create this balance that is extremely personal to me. So when he said that, i took it personally. Because if anything, I never let anyone see how I was falling apart. I would crack a joke and cheer someone up.
And I think about it because I remember I've been so upset at this one line, that it made me actually cry the first time i heard it.
And now it's Sera's. "Do everything for everyone, get sick. not right.". It had to hit right where it hurt. Right where it was too personal.
honestly d/ai is.... so flawed, but the companions had been such a strength to me, and I mentioned once that seeing them playing Wicked Grace had me cry because it looks like how we play games with my friends. My close friends. Those I took years to be able to rely on, and that are now probably my only driving force. Even if i don't rely on them as much as I should, as they tell me to.
So also the fact Sera adds a bit later "i will make them know she had- has friends" i'm just.
Damn i didn't think i'd be crying for 30 minutes over pre-written letters in a game that hit right the cord. They got to hit the most personal part of myself in a few lines.
I don't even know how bad this dlc will get, but man. Nothing will top that.
God i have such a violent headache after crying this much istg. gdi Sera.
#ichapersonal#tmw a character line make you cry for half a hour thinking about your life#ma n that's intense
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
003 - How I made an app to improve efficiency at the workplace
Its the start of another training year in paediatrics. Every 6 months, those of us lucky enough to be in training in the UK rotate around to a new post. Sometimes changing hospital and NHS trust, which comes with it the inexplicable joy of dealing with incompetencies of Payroll and HR. Not to mention the induction where you get thrown countless emails and word files and local trust policies and (fml) mandatory training. Yet I tell myself its worth it because I get to use what little knowledge I’ve gained to save lives of the little people.
This year is going to be different - and no I don’t mean the complete write-off that COVID 19 has meant for 2020. I’m now a registrar, which, as I’m told by my seniors, means dealing with snotty SHO’s asking you to help cannulate after they’ve pin cushioned that poor baby. Or navigating the minefield of the personalities of my consultants, and the absolutely terrifying thought that I will now be the most senior doctor making decisions on night on calls. And to top that off winter is coming. Lets look on the bright side, I gave myself a challenge at the start of lockdown to get better at computer stuff and now I feel like I’m getting somewhere and it feels good.
So I learnt how to code during the COVID lockdown and now make apps/websites as a side business. I’m a pretty big deal. I taught myself the skills, tools and technologies to be able to call myself a full-stack developer.
- Advanced: UI/UX design, Google sheets, Notion, Glide, HTML, CSS
- Intermediate: VSCode, Python, Django, Git, Heroku, API integration
- Beginner: SQLite, AWS, Flutter
Drop me an email if you're interested in creating your own app/website and I'd love to help.
A consultant during my induction asked me if I knew anyone that can make an app to collate the local guidelines. And there it was, a perfect opportunity to create something from the ground up to help centralise information and guidance to the department. I started with looking into a Django and flutter combo with a simple database to store PDF files and categorise them. My creative side went a bit nuts here and thought it would be nice to have a teaching rota and a place to store learning points, and why not links to useful resources - the list kept growing at what I wanted to achieve but I didn’t want to waste too much time and needed an MVP. So after messing around on a quiet clinic/cover day I had a basic outline. Few more days of tweaking and here it is...
https://bhrutpaeds.glideapp.io/
Glide is a progressive web application that uses data in an excel sheet to create basic yet powerful applications and suited all my requirements. Call me a hack as again I’ve gone for the little/no code option but can I highlight that I’m a full time doctor with a seriously dangerous procrastination trait.
The app was initially designed as part of the learning and thriving initiative to improve quality of delivering teaching materials but has quickly adapted to much more. And currently it has 74 users and counting!
Features include:
Current features: Sign on using NHS.net- Improved compliance with GDPR and trust policies- User profiles with user customisation- Our very own Newsletter with submission for questions- Links to rotas (Only visible to approved users)- Direct links to starleaf for handover/teaching (Only visible to approved users)- Contacts, numbers and referrals (Only visible to approved users)- Dedicated teaching area with learning points/feedback. - Greatix submissions for recognising excellence at work.
Future plans:- dedicated area for rotas to show staff working that day - updated live with the current live rotas- A bulletin board for departmental announcements/ messages - improved speed of loading
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
realworldsucksendhelp
Real World Sucks
valentinesfemme
lottie
foodandwriting
Food and Writing
negativeorpozitiv-blog
naiv? én? -igen
deegeeg-blog
YouTube with DeeGeeG