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syms-things-5 · 3 years

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CLEAR THE AREA - Chapter Twenty

Previous Chapter here

Warnings: language and the usual angst

Summary: I made it! My first story at an end. Thanks for stopping by and sticking by me over the last few months. I'm strangely quite proud of myself for sticking with this even when I had zero idea of how things were going to go. I have plans for a sequel of sorts and I hope you come back for that (when I get my ass in gear to write it!).

Tags: Thanks to @kelbabyblue @jennmurawski13

Chapter Twenty

The hot shower was a welcome relief when she finally stepped inside. It had been a hell of a long day. Far longer than she could recall and she had battled plenty.

Sarah had been back at work for a week or so and trying her hardest to deflect questions. Audrey had, she realised, kind of figured most things out without having to awkwardly impose the third degree on her pal. She knew everyone in the family knew and while at first she was happy and possibly even a little excited by that knowledge, her enthusiasm soon turned to concern when Sarah informed her that Shanna had been ignoring all of her messages and calls ever since. None of Audrey’s queries beyond that were met with much more than a non-committal shrug. How could Sarah be expected to answer any of Audrey’s questions when she didn’t have any of the answers to her own?

“She’ll come around. She has to.” Audrey said, in her soothing tone that always seemed to work no matter what news she was giving. “She won’t want to lose you. You’ve been friends for years.”

A few people had said variations of the same thing to her lately. That Shanna will come around, that she was just shocked but she’ll eventually understand, and that things will get better. Carly said Shanna had a wicked stubborn streak in her that even she struggled with at times but she also knew she loved Sarah very, very much. It was just a tough time but she’ll learn to understand. It would absolutely be OK, she would bet money on it Sarah wasn’t so sure.

She already knew Shanna was as stubborn as they come - she’d lived with her long enough - so when exactly was she expected to “learn how to understand”? More importantly, why did she even have to? They had been best friends for years but Sarah had betrayed her trust and flat-out lied to her face. Multiple times. “White lies” Scott called them, shrugging them off as though they were a big pile of nothing and just something people do when they need to get out of awkward situations. Sarah wasn’t sure sleeping with her best friend’s brother counted as an “awkward situation” or something that could be casually brushed aside with a sweep of the hand but nevertheless, she appreciated his efforts.

These were the conversations that kept circling around her mind as she stood under the shower head. Normally, she wasn’t one for wasting water but she allowed herself to enjoy it a little more this time. The soapy lather and fragrances of lavender and sandalwood surrounded her senses and was very soothing to her brain.

She barely noticed the fog steaming up the bathroom and focussed on the feel of the hot water cascading over her tired, worn-out body instead. If she died right here, right now, they could say she was probably the most relaxed she had been in months.

“Shall we pick you up from the airport? It’s no trouble.” Jocelyn fussed on the end of the line. There was a loud scraping sound somewhere in the near-background so Sarah figured she was back on the DIY again. That, or she had given the pottery classes another go. Recollections of Shanna laughing herself silly at Jocelyn “doing pot” flooded back into her memory all of a sudden and only served to leave her feeling sad in the pit of her stomach.

“No, Mom, it’s fine. It’ll be late. I’ll just get a cab.” Sarah calmly affirmed, one hand holding the phone to her ear and the other shoving yet more clothes into her suitcase. She’d given up on folding like an adult. “The flight could be delayed so I don’t want you hanging around the airport any longer than necessary.”

“But you’ll have bags, Sarah. Heavy bags and that’s no good. You don’t want to give yourself an injury.”

“Mom, I have one suitcase. Don’t be so over-dramatic.” She eye-rolled.

That was the…fourth lie? Perhaps the fifth since this conversation had started? Who knew. Sarah glanced down at the suitcase on her bed currently lying next to a smaller, overnight suitcase. There was also a backpack and a laptop bag sitting ready by her bedroom door. It was just easier this way. If she had to explain her real intentions, she would never finish packing and her parents would be on the red-eye to Boston.

“OK, well, keep us posted when you leave and when you land and I suppose we can go from there.” Jocelyn sighed. Whatever she had been doing had now stopped and Sarah could imagine the look of concern on her face. She was momentarily consoled by the fact that her Dad would at least see things from her point of view and hopefully Jocelyn would learn to just drop it.

Sarah hung up the phone and went back into the bathroom to finish drying her hair currently wrapped up in a towel. Shanna had shown her a trick with a towel and an old cotton t-shirt some years earlier after she had eventually agreed to stop cutting her hair. “It’s so beautiful and curly but, like, it’s a nice curl? A gentle curl. Honestly, girls would pay so much money every day to have waves like yours.” enthused Shanna at the time. It was a sweet thing to say. Jocelyn had said much the same thing as she was growing up but Sarah always preferred shorter cuts because she couldn’t be bothered to spend time styling it every day. And it would always take time. Too much time.

Her longer hair felt so lifeless and dull by comparison, she thought, except when Audrey would blow-dry it during one of their all-too-rare girls’ afternoons and rub this coconut concoction into her roots so it smelled delicious for days afterwards. Or when Chris would gently comb his fingers through it when he thought she was asleep. She didn’t mind it so much then.

She finished the last brush-through and switched off the dryer, wrapping the cord around the handle ready for it to be packed. A dab of foundation under her eyes and she looked reasonably well-rested now; well enough so as not to draw attention to any stresses or worries. Jocelyn always had a knack for sussing them out and it was frustrating and unwelcome at the best of times. That she was usually right was beside the point.

She mentally ticked off a list of items she made a point of packing; some comfy sweatpants, a couple of books, her particular brand of coffee because her folks now apparently hated the stuff. She located her passport and boarding pass for the tenth time, making sure they were safely zipped in the side pocket of her backpack. She was pretty much done. If it wasn’t for the looming feeling of regret, she would call a cab to take her to the station right that minute.

Looking down at her phone, she decided to call Shanna one last time. It rang a few times before a groggy voice appeared on the end of the line.

“Hey….” Shanna offered, cold but not totally unhappy to hear her, Sarah thought. The last few times she had tried calling Shanna, it would ring for a lot longer. The shortness here was a small step in the right direction.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Sarah asked with some trepidation, trying not to sound overly familiar and casual. She was trying to follow Shanna’s lead with regards to friendly small talk.

“Better. Mom’s been making soup every day. Sick and tired of the stuff to be honest.” Shanna had come down with a small cold and had used it as an opportunity to stay in the relative ease and comfort of her mother’s house. Sarah would much rather have seen her in person before she left but speaking on the phone without one of them, or both of them, ending up in tears was also good.

“Well, at least you’re in the best place. Your Mom always makes me feel better when I’m unwell.” Sarah smiled down the line.

“I’m not unwell, Sarah.” she said, defensively. “It’s just a cold. I’m just tired.”

Sarah feared she’d overstepped the mark. “OK, well, still, it’s good that you’re there. ‘Cos…Lisa would just worry otherwise. Probably.” She was babbling now and she knew it but she couldn’t think of anything to say. Shanna had put up something of a wall between them now and while she was talking to her and not completing freezing her out, it felt different and not altogether pleasant.

“Yeh, that’s true.” Shanna responded after a brief pause. “But you’re a nurse so you would think I would be better in my own home.”

“Nah, I’d just be bringing back all kinds of infectious things.” Sarah joked and was relieved to hear a laugh on the end of the line, a laugh that very quickly turned into a harsh cough. But it had definitely started out as a laugh so she’d take that as a win, too.

“So, have you been really busy?” Shanna asked after she managed to clear her throat.

“Same old. We have a new intern and she’s pretty eager to get stuck in which is great. Audrey is impressed so that should tell you how amazing she is.” Sarah offered. It had in fact been busier than most days but now wasn’t the time to relay the usual information she wouldn’t normally think twice about offering to Shanna when she had asked.

“That’s cool.” Shanna coughed again and cleared her throat. “Have you been working all the time or, um, have you had much of a break?”

“Pretty much all the time, yeh. I did those double shifts I was meant to do last month so I’ve cleared my flexi-time now which is good. I’m back on track.”

“That’s cool.” Shanna said.

“Yeh and I built up some more which is good, too. It’ll come in handy at Christmas perhaps.” Sarah was trying to keep the conversation going as best as she could.

“Cool. Do you just come home and crash, then?”

“Most of the time, yeh.”

“You don’t go out anywhere or anything?”

“Um,” Sarah had a vague idea of what she was getting at. “I don’t really have time to do anything else. I wanted to get my hours back up to a healthy point. You know what O’Brien can be like.”

There was silence on the end of the line. Sarah could hear her shuffle about in what she assumed was her bed. Shanna coughed again, gentler this time, and sighed as she tried to think of what to come back with. She knew she was probably being a little obvious now.

“Well,” Shanna started. “I hope you’re getting through it all OK. Y’know, the work and stuff. I hope you’re doing alright.”

“Thanks. Yeh I’m…I’m alright.” Sarah replied, touched by the slight concern she could hear her speak. “I hope you feel better soon, too. It’s not fun having a cold particularly at this time of the year.”

“I’m sure Mom has been crushing aspirin and vitamins into my food so I’ll be Wonder Woman before you know it.”

Sarah laughed. “Absolutely you will. I’ll, er, let you get back to resting. Are you up to much?”

“No, I’m just watching Netflix.”

“Ah right. That’s cool. Lots of new murder shows from what Audrey tells me.” Sarah nodded. She knew Shanna wasn’t about to launch into a description of what programme she had been binging the last few days so they both vocalised their goodbyes and hung up. It was the first call that had ended on a mutual note and not Shanna making a lame excuse to cut off Sarah’s equally lame attempts at small talk. Again, Sarah took it as a positive.

Sarah looked down at her phone, a photo of them both in their graduation gowns on her home screen. She hadn’t changed it since she’d gotten the upgrade a year earlier and she had no intention of doing so now. It was a nice day, a nice memory. The hangover she suffered for days afterwards was more than worth it.

She was unsure why Shanna had felt the need to ask her what she’d been up to. She had seemed very specific, more so than about anything else they talked about lately. Naturally, Shanna knew Sarah well enough now to know she relied on work whenever she was dealing with something upsetting and difficult so surely it would have been obvious that she had had zero contact with Chris. He probably would have said as much to her in person. Or he would have talked with Scott or Lisa, and Shanna would have eventually found out by default.

The more she thought about it, the more anxious she felt. Knowing how she and Chris had left things, it was almost entirely likely that he hadn’t spoken to Shanna too much. Perhaps he had holed himself up in his apartment like he did following a tiring shoot, trying to sleep and rest and eat whatever carbs he could get his hands on. Maybe the opposite and he’d thrown himself into some training again. Maybe he’d gone back to Los Angeles for work, that he’d finally given in to Matt’s nudges and agreed to accept one of the many lucrative endorsement deals brands would throw his way every so often. Maybe he had been entertaining himself with the boys. Or with someone else. Someone…

No. This had been Sarah’s fault. There was no point trying to find justification for his absence. She had created a rift between a brother and sister where one should not have existed. He should have talked to Shanna but from Shanna’s probing and what little information she could gleam from Scott, evidently that didn’t appear to have taken place. She briefly considered googling his name to see if any news outlets had a scoop before deciding against it. She almost made it to her kitchen before giving in and bringing up a search on her phone. No. Nothing. He’d gone radio-silent as per usual. As she suspected. Normally, it was quite impressive of him to go under the radar with such precision but now it was just inconsiderate. How dare he not make his whereabouts publicly known so Sarah could come up with a half-convenient lie as to why he and Shanna hadn’t seen each other. A comforting lie that could make herself feel better about the mess.

It would have made her feel so much better to know they were getting along again. Selfishly, it would have made it easier for her to leave knowing that they were finding their own way of getting back on track with one another. Sarah could imagine Lisa fretting to Scott and Carly at night, wondering how she could help her two most stubborn children become pals again. Sarah would rather she had been forgotten completely in favour of them piecing their relationship back together, for everyone’s sake. If there was one thing Sarah hated more than drama, it was knowing she was the root cause of the drama. Separating herself from the family now would be preferable than being made increasingly aware of the glaring hole setting up home in their house. A meteoric hole that she had been responsible for. A hole inside a family unit that had gotten through a lot in their forty-plus years together. A wonderful, loving, generous family that had taken Sarah in without question and had accepted her as one of their own just because Shanna had once said she was “pretty cool”.

No, Shanna did not deserve to be frozen out by her brother. Chris didn’t deserve to feel like he couldn’t speak to his baby sister.

Another day passed and Sarah didn’t feel much better. She did, however, feel momentarily relieved by Audrey’s personal admission that she had googled Chris a couple of times as well. Another sip of steaming hot coffee and she further admitted to having set him up on her Google Alerts “just in case”.

“For safety. I’m just looking out for you.” Audrey declared before smirking at her across the table. “I didn’t want you waking up one morning to photos of him draped over some starlet or whoever. And don’t think for one second that I will not come for anyone who dares to speak ill of you online. You are beautiful and kind and funny and sweet and absolutely good enough for him. I swear to God and he can quote me on this. Think of me as your own personal hype-woman.”

“Wow. Thank you. That’s a lot to take in but it’s very kind.” Sarah laughed nervously. “I think.”

“All I ask in return is dibs on designer dresses for the wedding.” Audrey winked at her as she left the staffroom. She didn’t catch neither the eye roll nor the middle finger Sarah proffered in return.

A few moments of quiet passed and Sarah pulled up Scott’s number on her phone.

Sarah 10.45am: Is Shanna feeling any better?

Scott 10.52am: So so. She’s terrible at being an ill person. I don’t know how you manage it xx

Sarah texted a laughing emoji back in response followed by a couple of red hearts. She’d give anything to “manage” an ill Shanna right now.

Scott 11.04am: But how are you??? We miss you Xx

Sarah could feel the tears forming at the back of her eyes. It had been a couple of days since she had last cried but as her departure flight loomed ever closer she was feeling it more and more.

Scott 11.08am: Seriously………

Scott 11.09am: Please come see us soon. Mom is super worried about you and threatening to bring you her tiramisu

Scott 11.11am: don’t worry, I stopped her xx

She bit the inside of her lip a little too hard.

Scott 11.13am: but you owe me one. I had to eat half that thing xx

Chris loved tiramisu, she remembered. Maybe he was responsible for eating the other half.

It was no good. She was going to have to call him soon. Against the promise she’d made to herself about not thinking about him, it only served to keep her worrying about him more and more.

Sarah 11.20am: I know, I’m sorry. Tell her I’ll call her soon, I pormise xx

Sarah 11.21am: *promise

Scott 11.24am: not sure that’ll do much honeybun. You know what she’s like. Love you xx

She texted him a kiss emoji and felt relieved that he didn’t respond again. She pulled up Chris’ number and contemplated sending him a message. How would she even start? A simple “hey” was not going to cut it at this point, nor was a “how are you?”. Time was running out and as Ryan peered his head round the door to check on her, she shoved her phone back in her locker and left to finish off her day.

Sarah 15.58pm: Are you still alive?

She stayed staring at her phone for what felt like an eternity. Just before she resigned in disgust at her pitiful attempt at casual humour, she saw the tell-tale three dots appear at the bottom of her screen. They flickered for some time before stopping then starting again. She wasn’t sure if it was because he was composing some irate response at her pathetic joke or if he was deleting a message in favour of ignoring her altogether. She wasn’t sure which option she would prefer had she had the choice.

No response came through. She pulled a cup from the cupboard and set about making a small pot of coffee for herself. She still had a little time yet before she was due to leave for the airport and she had made plans to clean the place up a little before Shanna returned home, presumably a day or so later when she figured Sarah was safely out of the picture.

She picked up some daffodils and daisies on the way home from the hospital and separated the bunches between the living room, the kitchen and the hallway. She had visited two different grocery stores to find Shanna’s favourite flavour of ice cream and the fridge was stocked with some healthy veggies and yoghurt so she could make her breakfast smoothies in the morning. She also set about steam-mopping the hard floors so the clean, floral smell could spread through the entire apartment. It was a nice welcome home, she thought. She would appreciate it if someone had done the same for her.

Her phone started vibrating in the back pocket of her jeans as she folded the bedding that was fresh out of the dryer. She wasn’t altogether able to name the feeling she experienced at seeing Chris’ name flash on her screen alongside a photo of him smiling like the goof he was. A beautiful, sweet picture taken from Shanna’s birthday party three years previous. There was a time recently when she’d let it ring a little longer than was necessary just to allow herself the chance to stare at it for a few seconds more. But now was not one of those times.

“I genuinely didn’t think you were gonna answer me.” He said, his voice displaying the disbelief he was feeling.

“You would have kept ringing me otherwise.” It wasn’t an accusation as such, and he knew it.

“Yeh, probably. But I would have tried not to.” He said, matter-of-factly. “I’m not great with sussing women out but I figured you didn’t want to talk to me that much.”

She felt sad to hear him say it out loud even though it was true to an extent. He seemed submissive in some way. “Really?” She asked, more beseeching than she had intended.

He paused and she could hear him sigh. “Yeh, I would have. It would have been tough but I’ve thought about it a lot recently and I do have a little pride left, believe it or not.” She heard him straighten up and realised he’d been either lying on his couch or on his bed. “But you messaged me first. I’m kinda surprised to be honest.”

He wouldn’t be as surprised or impressed if she said it was just to check he hadn’t died in his sleep. She decided to keep that little tid-bit to herself.

“You’ve been quiet lately.” She said. “I mean, I thought...I don’t…” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t actually know what I meant to be honest. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t haven’t contacted you out of the blue like this.”

“It’s fine. I’m glad you did.” Chris was feeling generous and decided to help her put out the fire. He knew she was panicking a little and no matter what else he was thinking right now, hearing her sound apprehensive wasn’t going to make him feel any better.

“I just wondered how you were doing, I suppose. I’ve been talking to Shan a little bit. Not a lot, not like we’re back to normal or anything but I wanted to check you were OK as well.” She tugged at the end of her sweater sleeve currently stretched between her fingers. “I haven’t really asked you that.”

He thought for a second. How was he feeling? He wasn’t sure he could give her an answer. He didn’t really know and he couldn’t make it sound half-positive even if he did. He had thrown himself into his work a lot more, much to the joy of Matt and some producers who had been trying to get his attention. When he wasn’t working out, he was reading scripts and when he wasn’t reading scripts, he was watching his diet. He had been very quiet on social media to an extent that someone in his PR team had taken to posting a couple of things on his behalf. Just two or three charity posts and something NASA-related to let his fans know he hadn’t completely disappeared. The team had notified him earlier that day that a cute dog video they had posted just 24 hours previous had gone viral and he had received more marriage proposals than usual as a result.

By now, he had learned how to fend off his mother and his brother. To be fair, it wasn’t all that hard to do with Scott. Scott had been understanding enough recently and he had the benefit of knowing when to shut up and let Chris go at his own pace. Pushing him was only going to have the opposite effect. More than once, he found himself wondering if Scott had spoken to Sarah. When he tried to hint around the situation to see if that had in fact been true, Scott had shut him down just as quickly. He didn’t mind that all too much. He appreciated Scott’s discretion and no doubt Sarah needed him just as much as he did.

“I’m alright, Bernette.” He said. “You know, fine.”

“Fine?”

“Yeh. Just fine. Nothing more.” He said. He didn’t much care about sugar-coating things but maybe that was out of a little tiredness and boredom. They were way past protecting each other from the other person’s feelings at this point.

“Anyway,” he shook his head. “What about you? How’s things with O’Brien?”

“Oh y’know. Yeh, fine, I guess.” She replied. “How did you know there was any issue with O’Brien?”

“You gotta love that Audrey.” He chuckled.

O’Brien had come under fire last week for yelling at a couple of interns and one of them, unbeknown to anyone else, happened to be the niece of a local congressman. Rumours were circling but Sarah and in fact most of her team had no time to pay attention to anything going on above their heads. That’s the thing with medical emergencies, you see: they never stop just because somebody’s job is on the line.

“Right.” She said. “What else has she said?”

“Nothing much.” He said. “She said you were worried about me.” There was a smugness that she decided to gloss over. Why was Sarah so surprised they had been talking about her behind her back? Why was she surprised that they had each other’s phone numbers?

“And you didn’t think to get in touch?”

“I thought you didn’t want to talk to me.”

Sarah chewed her bottom lip. If he could only see her now. He’d get a kick out of it for sure.

“Alright. Fair enough.” She sighed. “You’re OK. Good to know. I’ll let you get on with whatever you’re up to.”

“Is that it? That’s all you wanted to say to me?”

“Apparently Audrey has been filling you in.”

“Oh fucking-” He stopped himself. “You cannot be mad about this, surely. Listen, all she said was that you weren’t sure if I was OK because you thought I hadn’t been in touch with the guys. That’s all. She was doing the very thing you should have done yourself.”

She paused and swallowed. “Right.”

“Come on, Sarah. She thought she was helping. She’s just being a good friend.” He pinched the skin on his forehead between his thumb and forefinger. “And it was like yesterday or whenever. It’s not like we’ve been in touch constantly and talking about you all the time. She hasn’t said anything about how much you’re in love with me or how you can’t sleep for thinking about me.”

“What?!”

“It was a joke.” He deadpanned.

“Oh.” She said.

His heart sank – it wasn’t that much of a joke, he had hoped. He slid his hand down his face in frustration, pinching his nose slightly before leaning back on his sofa and staring up at the ceiling. He held his phone tightly to his ear and waited for her to speak.

“It’s OK.” She finally spoke. “I get it. I shouldn’t have been so distant these past few days. I’m sorry, Chris.”

He certainly wasn’t expecting that apology but he could roll with it. “This isn’t all on you, Sarah. I could have been in touch more, too. With everybody, I guess. I had a couple of meetings I had to prepare for so I think I just took that as an excuse not to be more present.”

“Anything fun?” She asked, taking the opportunity to change the subject.

“Kind of. Nothing massive. It’s an ensemble piece that a director wanted to talk to me about. It actually sounds pretty cool.” He scratched the side of his beard in contemplation. “It’s your cup of tea for sure. You like those murder-mystery-type films, right?”

“Oh yeh! Like Agatha Christie and Poirot? Love them.”

“I thought so. It’s a great script and I get some funny lines for a change. It’s something a little different and Matt keeps telling me that I need to think outside of the Marvel box, so…we’ll see how it goes.” He could feel himself growing a little more enthusiastic at the prospect of doing the movie. He should probably call Matt and tell him the same thing. He sounded like he was having a rough day so a contrite and grateful actor would cheer him up no end.

“Anyway, that’s about it. I’m kinda bored to be honest. Have you eaten yet today?”

She had all but emptied the fridge last night to remove anything that might go off in the next couple of days. Now it was filled with some of Shanna’s favourite things and there wasn’t anything in it that really appealed to her at this moment in time. She hadn’t thought much about food all day to tell the truth. She figured she’d grab a bagel while waiting for her flight.

“Um, no.” She said. “But I’m not that hungry either.”

“You don’t want waffles? With white chocolate? Raspberries?”

She did want that now he mentioned it. “No, I’m good.”

“That’s a lie.”

“It is not a lie.” Even she knew she wasn’t being convincing.

“Everybody wants waffles.” He implored. “It’s God’s way of saying he wants you to be happy. Come on, it’s my treat.”

“I just think…we probably shouldn’t see each other for a while.” She looked down the hall at the packed bags currently leaning against her bedroom door.

“It’s waffles, Sarah. I think I can control myself.”

“Um…”

“That’s good enough for me. See you in twenty.”

He hung up before she could respond. With no opportunity to persuade him otherwise, she stayed put in her kitchen, waiting for waffles.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” She smiled at him openly and saw his shoulders relax. Without prompting, he walked in past her and placed the take-out boxes on the counter. They were the size of pizza boxes and she felt her tummy rumble in anticipation.

“So, I’ve been thinking.” He started as he turned to face her again.

“In the few minutes since we last talked?” She spoke in jest.

“Hush, Bernette.” He eye-rolled. “I’ll have you know, I’ve been thinking very seriously these past few days and I know it’s tough right now but just hear me out, OK? Because I think I know a way to make things a little easier. Maybe if you get some time off from work, get some time away from everything, from Boston perhaps, it could actually make things a little better for the both of us. For everyone. I’ve been trying to think about things in a different way and not in my usual blinkered view or whatever the fuck Scott says I have, and I honestly think I’m seeing things a little clearer now, and…”

He glanced away from her face for only a split second but it was enough for him to visibly shrink a little in his stance before her eyes. Sarah followed his eyeline to the bags currently resting down the hall. The angle of the suitcase was hiding the other bags behind it but if he shifted a mere foot forward, he could possibly get the full picture.

Turning back to look at her, he furrowed his brow in confusion. “What’s going on?”

Sarah visibly swallowed and he knew the answer before she even opened her mouth. He became all too aware of her hands and arms hanging limply at her sides.

“I’m going to see my parents for a few days.”

“A few days? That’s a lot for a few days, Sarah. You normally travel light.”

“I just packed for a little longer ‘cos I wasn’t sure what I was going to-”

Chris didn’t give her time to bend the truth. He turned and walked back into the kitchen. She watched him move to the window before looking down at his feet and shaking his head in frustration. He rubbed a hand solidly over his beard. “You’re leaving.”

“Well, yeh, I’m going to see my parents and the two usually go hand in hand.”

“Oh, fuck off, Sarah.” He spat. “Don’t get smart with me. You’re doing a runner. This looks like a fucking cop-out.”

“No, you’re wrong. It’s not a cop-out and I don’t appreciate that tone either. If I was doing a runner, do you think I would do it in broad daylight and tell everyone what I was doing? I literally just told you where I was going.” She retorted.

She grabbed the last bottle of water from the fridge. She wasn’t particularly thirsty at that moment in time but she knew that he would eventually want it and she didn’t much feel like being accommodating right now especially not to a man who was calling her out in her own home. That he was entirely accurate in his assumptions was, well, irrelevant.

“How long are you really going for?” He asked as he watched her disappear from view and back down the hall to her bedroom.

“I just told you. A few days, maybe a week or so, and then I’ll figure it out from there.”

“Figure what out?”

“Just…” She turned back to face him, waving her hand vaguely in front of her in the vain hope he would suddenly understand everything she was trying to say. Either he did and didn’t want to give her an easy “out” or, most likely, he had zero clue because neither did she. Giving up, her shoulders slumped from their squared-off position just seconds ago when she was trying to give the impression of strength. “It’s just a lot, all of this, and I need some time out.”

He took another couple of small steps towards her before stopping by her bags. Looking down, he could see her intentions as clear as day now but as he looked back into her eyes, he could see her exhaustion ever clearer. They should be on the same side. He shouldn’t be picking on her this way.

“You just said I could do with a break, right?” She shrugged. “So, this is what I’m doing. You should be pleased. You could even say I’m taking your advice if you wanted to.”

“Yeh, but I actually meant taking a break together.” He conceded. “I came here to say I thought we could go to L.A. for a little while. I need to check on a couple of work things and I thought you could come with me. Nothing funny, I promise. Some proper sunshine might be cool, right?”

Sarah was struck by the kind gesture and the glint of hope now showing in his eyes. Despite what they had both said, he clearly hadn’t lost the small possibility that maybe they could try and forge something out of the ruins and, under different circumstances, she might have been tempted.

“Thanks for thinking of me.” She offered, merely giving him a small smile. It didn’t seem like there was much else to say. The bags were packed and now that he could take in his surroundings, it felt a little emptier somehow and like it had all been wiped clean. Except he didn’t feel so clean. He could feel her on him, on his skin and in his head, and he doubted he could remove her as easily as she was clearly hoping she could remove him.

“Do you think you’ll let us know when you come back?” he asked.

She looked passed him and down the hall, focussing on nothing in particular. “Yes, of course I’ll let you guys know. I’m not going forever.”

She tried her best to convince him but she knew it wasn’t going to do much.

“I know that,” he sighed. “but it’ll be weird not seeing you every day. It’ll be sad. I’ll be sad about it.”

He let out a deep breath and shuffled his feet awkwardly as he tried to think of something to say that might drag things out a little more, that might cause her to rethink her plans. It was one of the more frustrating things about her, that she could keep a secret so well. He briefly wondered if he could think of some more frustrating things about her that might help him cope with the current situation but no. Who was he kidding?

“I like this apartment.” He finally offered. “Some good memories.”

“You know that Shanna will still be here, right?” She chuckled.

“But you won’t be.” He said. “And between you and me? You’re kind of my favourite.”

“I won’t tell Scott you just said that.”

“He knows already. I wouldn’t worry about it.” He said. “Hey, do you think I could come and visit you?”

“Um-”

“-Just think about it. You don’t need to answer right now. It’s been ages since I’ve been to Maine and I hear they have amazing seafood.”

Sarah laughed again and regarded him like the small puppy he so obviously was. A small puppy that she realised she had been kicking ever-so-slowly over the past few weeks and it made her feel like shit. As much as she tried to convince herself otherwise, she knew she was running away and she knew she was a coward.

“I am sorry, Chris. For everything. I can’t really explain it in a way that means anything right now but I just wanted to say it clearly one more time to you in case I hadn’t really said it before.”

Chris held his hand up to stop her from saying anything more. He didn’t need an apology from her. Hearing her apologise only made him feel worse. Of the multiple times she had been caught under his gaze, nothing was quite like the way he was looking at her now.

“Sarah,” he started. “I need you to know that whatever it is you want from me, I’ll never say no.”

“Chris, I-”

“-Honestly, that’s….that’s the only thing I really wanted to say.” He held his hand up again to stop her if she was thinking of interrupting him again. “I’m gonna go and I hope you have a safe trip, OK? Enjoy your waffle. Maybe send me a text or something, let me know you made it there in one piece. If you want to. Maybe we’ll see each other again sooner rather than later.”

She saw his eyes glance behind her and into her bedroom. He turned and glanced once more into the bathroom like he was taking a mental picture of the place which seemed crazy to her until she remembered that he wasn’t strictly talking to Shanna and it was unlikely he’d be back here anytime soon. God, she hoped they’d fix things. She needed to at least believe her leaving would make things a little better for them. Otherwise, what would be the point?

They didn’t say goodbye in the typical sense or any kind of sense, really. She was almost relieved to watch him walk away quietly without looking back and equally as relieved to have made it to the airport without much more fuss.

Like it was said, she was a coward.

Audrey had called her to wish her a safe journey and then spent fifteen minutes complaining about O’Brien and a patient who had taken to calling her “princess”. Sarah was glad of the distraction as she made her way through the airport towards the waiting lounge. It was pretty busy for the time of evening but she was glad to feel invisible once again as she moved through the heavy criss-crossing crowds of people, each with their own issues to deal with. Something about strength in numbers perhaps. A couple more hours and she’d be home again. A couple more hours and Jocelyn could stop texting her messages that made little sense.

Oh God.

Living with her mother again was going to try her patience. Maybe this was the price she had to bear? It wasn’t too late to change her mind, Audrey had said before pleading in a half-joking, half-serious manner that surely, she wasn’t going to leave her to handle the hospital by herself? It was almost like she was expecting never to see Sarah again. A few weeks. That was all it was going to be. Then she’d figure out what to do from there, with a break and some fresh Maine-air to clear the cobwebs. Chris was right about the seafood and the closer she got to her departure time, the more she started looking forward to it. She was sure she was making the right decision.

Chris 19.46pm: Don’t forget about us xx

She was sure she was making the right decision.

It was 100% the right decision.

Right?

#chris evans #chris evans fic #fanfiction #clear the area #sarah bernette #chris fic #chris evans x original female character #evans fic

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viviswtings · 4 years

Text

Two Years. (Pt. 1)

This is a continuation of the blurb I wrote a couple of days ago. This time from the reader’s perspective. It got longer than expected, so I’ll post the second part later.

Hyunjin x f!reader.

Warnings: Great amount of teeth rotting fluff, slow burn and poorly written clichés.

Words: 2209.

The first time they met, she didn’t pay him any mind. It was the other guys, louder and bolder, spitting English like they knew what they were saying, who caught her attention. And the two guys, the only ones she could actually have a conversation with, were the only people she managed to befriend. They were sweet, outgoing, it was easy with them.

She had been looking for opportunities everywhere, trying to get off her city any way she possibly could. When she found a university course that would send her far off, she found herself sending a portfolio without hesitation. The chances of getting chosen were slim to none, but she would try nevertheless.

Time passed as always, until one morning she received an e-mail, in which she was told she had been chosen for an intern program for one of the most important entertainment industries in East Asia. It was like she couldn’t function for what felt like an hour, looking at her phone and re-reading the e-mail over and over. Her brain had to restart itself by the time she jumped off her bed and went right straight to call her dad.

She was sitting in the bathroom, moving her feet and playing with the trim of her pants, when he picked up. The conversation was rather long, by the time it was over she was all ready to go to her university and talk with the University’s Secretary to get everything ready for her to leave as soon as humanly possible.

Granted, it had taken them far longer than she had anticipated, and with each week that passed, she grew more and more anxious. She had reached the conclusion that she no longer wanted to leave. She didn’t know the language, didn’t know anyone there and she had to begin all over in a new university, with a job, and afternoon classes to learn Korean. She wasn’t ready to face all of that alone.

But what she did have were good friends, and a father who would not take a no for an answer at this point. He and her grandparents were willing to risk a good amount of money- money they barely had- for her to leave and make a life for herself, something she never knew he would be so up to. And, to make the matter even more bizarre, her friends helped him talk her out of it. She had to do it. She would probably never have an opportunity that would even get close to matching the one she had at that very moment. She had been dreaming about something of the sort ever since she was a kid. And now she wanted to back out? After all she’d been crying and complaining? Not a chance. They would not let her, never.

So, a couple of months later, she had left alone, for the very first time, to a country she did not now. She wasn’t excited, she wanted to vomit, she hadn’t slept for the past week. She was afraid, the knot in her stomach made everything hurt. She even started sobbing in the middle of the flight, wanting nothing more than to go back home.

Since then it had been so long. She remembered getting to her apartment, it was small and empty, but it gave her some sort of relief to know she could spend a couple of days on it, to help her get used to everything. And, while moving the sofa all by herself for the third time that day, something kind of clicked. She realised how lucky she was, even though nothing seemed to go her way in her mind, she was in fact very lucky. She sat on the floor, though the sofa was literally behind her, and cried once more. Maybe from the realisation, maybe to cry one last time before she had to face what now was her new reality, maybe because she was afraid, or maybe because she missed home. To be honest? It was probably all of it at once.

So, she had gotten the job, she was going to class and she was attending Korean lessons as well. She tried very hard to see the bright side, for there was a very bright side to the whole thing. In the short time she had been there, she had even made friends. Which, for her, was a great improvement from how she was before.

She also had gotten somehow used to her job, even though she barely did anything she had signed up for. She was more like an assistant to the creative team, along with other interns. She even started helping the stylist team of the band she apparently worked specially for.

That’s when they actually met. She had seen them from afar, laughing and dancing, being a bunch of very young and hyperactive dorks. But now that she could see them up close, they seemed even younger than she was. She didn’t have to interact much with them, which was a plus, as she had zero social abilities. She only had to help with whatever the stylists needed, and that she could do.

Soon enough she was helping do the makeup for the boys, and started talking to whom she considered the human reincarnation of sunshine. He had the softest voice, and his accent just added to his whole absolutely adorable aura. They could spend hours on end talking about the most trivial stuff. He was hyper, never stopped moving, and laughed so much his makeup creased absolutely everywhere, to the point of driving her insane.

He was the one that started asking for her to do his makeup, because he grew fond of the way she liked to play with his look and not cover his freckles. The ridiculous number of selfies they took ended up drawing the attention of the leader of The Dorks, who started joining them in their impromptu photoshoots. Soon he sat next to them, adding a new approach to the conversations.

It was a matter of time before he started talking about their projects, their concepts, what he agreed with, what he was completely against off, what he wanted to do and where he wished to take them. It was her kind of conversations, the ones she could actually add something to. And so, they talked about their ideas until the wee hours of the morning, looking at their phones with a smile.

He was, in fact, older than her, caring and protective. A really fun person to be around, and he had a creative ability like no one she had ever met before. He came up with ideas at the weirdest times, spent hours on end working on them without reaching anyone to even let them know he was alive. Then, after disappearing for days, he just came back with a smile and a bunch of new ideas.

He helped her with her apartment, and she had to admit it was easier building IKEA furniture with help. They spent hours buying stuff for her apartment, he helped her finally find out how she wanted to decorate the whole thing. And, after a while, Felix started popping up at her door too. With drinks and snacks and his big, bright smile that made his eyes tiny.

They talked about how they always spent time together because they were so far away from family, and how sticking together had been the only way to not lose themselves in the midst of it all. She found them incredibly cute, seeing how they truly behave like siblings and thinking that, maybe, they were including her in their tiny family. It made her warm and fuzzy inside when the world around her was getting colder and the sun was setting earlier, making everything darker.

Even then, when she got called to an actual meeting in which her opinion was asked for, she couldn’t wrap her head around it. Chris talked for her, he showed the team the ideas the both of them had developed, the designs she had made, the concepts they had created for months. They had everything planned out to the smallest detail. Chris even had some of the songs already written out with the other two guys he used to hang around with. They got a break and went out for coffee, while she was still in shock.

“I can’t believe that just happened” She looked at him when she heard his laugh, his hands going to the pockets of his denim jacket. “What did you tell them?” She pushed him with the side of her body, making him trip a little on his own foot, but he just laughed again. Seriously, he had the ability to make her blood boil.

“Nothing much” He finally answered. “I just showed them some designs, told them a couple of ideas. They asked me a bunch of stuff and I just said I had to go get my associate so we could talk it out”. He had a smug smirk plastered on his face.

“That’s not a good look on you”. Her finger was pointed at his face and he softly slapped it away. “You didn’t do that. Don’t play me”. He faked being hurt by her words, taking his rather small hand to his chest. But it was true she didn’t believe him. It was too good to be true. The fact that someone would talk about her in a way that would make the creative team actually want to hear what she had to say.

“Why would I be lying?” He shrugged it off and pointed at her cup with his chin. “Let’s just enjoy the moment, alright. No need to think about the petty details”. She was still looking at him like she wanted to crack his head like an egg so she could read all his thoughts. But she did that sometimes so he simply let it slide.

In the end they accepted their concepts, with the condition that it should all be ready to be formally presented the next month. And that’s how she found herself working more than she ever even thought possible. With her days full from the rising of the sun until the day was officially over. She spent hours in the studio with Chris. While he played stuff on his computer, his headphones so loud she could hear the music he was making even from the other side of the room, she was coming up with the designs she had been asked for.

On the weekends she worked on her university work, meeting with her classmates to get the group stuff done as quickly and as efficiently as possible. It was all taking a toll on her and she was very well aware. She was always tired and running on caffeine, she barely had time to breathe. She had even started skipping Korean classes because she just couldn’t make it anywhere in time. But she also refused the help that Felix was offering her, even though he was also studying and the study sessions would benefit them both.

When the day came for them to do their presentation, she found herself gripping Chris’ arm for dear life. While the creative team presented the work, they had also been doing alongside them to make sure it was all perfectly thought out, they just waited in the studio. Sprawled on the sofa and looking at the ceiling, she didn’t know how Chris could look so unbothered by the situation. She was crawling out of her skin, losing her mind every second that passed by.

“We’ve done our best”. He looked at her, his cheek squished against the sofa. “There’s nothing else we could do, so let it go. You’ll see how it’ll pay off”. She payed him close attention as he looked at the ceiling again. Chris really didn’t know what sleep actually was, huh. He looked exhausted, paler, the skin a dark purple hue all around his eyes. She couldn’t be mad at him, how she would usually be as someone reacting so poorly to a stressful situation. Her answer was a curt nod instead, leaning her head on his shoulder.

When they got a call from the team telling them it had all been approved, they went out for food with everyone and had the best night she had had in a very long time. It was, also, the best sleep she had had in months, to top it all.

Everything seemed to have fallen into place. She had made friends at work as well as in class and she was learning the language faster than she ever expected. Her apartment finally looked like a home. She was even planning on adopting a kitty to keep her company when she was doing work at home. The place she was so scared off months ago now seemed a little more like somewhere she would love staying in the long run. Somewhere she belonged.

What she did not expect was, after all the work she had put on that project, to embark another one that would require her all her might so as to not lose her mind.

Because when the cute boy in the Gucci hoodie-the one she had never paid attention to- asked her if she could help teach him English, in that soft voice with his hands in his pockets and his eyes glued to his feet, she knew she was ultimately fucked.

#hyunjin x reader #hyunjin imagine #stray kids #stray kids boyfriend #reader insert #hwang hyunjin #shall forever adress Chan as Chris

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cptnsantiago · 4 years

Text

take me home

4/?

~ snow storm

read on ao3

“Jake, the storm is only getting worse.”

Amy can barely see outside, the fog so dense that she’s holding on to any solid part of the car to prepare for the worst. “I’ve only met your mom twice but she’s scary so I’m not getting you home late.”

“I think my mom would appreciate it more if I made it home alive.” Amy retorts, scrolling through her phone slowly “We’ve been carpooling this trip for 2 years and the weather has never been this bad… And look! I just found a B&B half a mile from here!”

“Ugh fine,” Jake huffs, “But I’m indulging in the mini bar and won’t take any judgement!”

“Okay, waste your money. I’m just going to do the wise thing and sleep now that there are no finals to worry about.” Amy tells him, “Turn left.”

“Please, I know you’ve already started your little study calendar thingy on your desk.” Jake follows her directions with ease, laughing.

Amy had been introduced to Jake through their mutual friend Rosa in their first year of college. Amy had known Rosa her entire life, their moms having bonded through night classes years before they were born and they had been inseparable since. This then made Amy and Rosa inseparable. So when Rosa took up criminal psychology in her first year of college, Rosa met Jake and thus Amy made an acquaintance with him.

She was certain if they had met under different circumstances they would either be best friends or Amy would avoid him because he was just a certain type of annoying. The type being unbearably obsessed with Die Hard and not really knowing when to shut up about it. But they hung out on a semi regular occurrence, so they were good acquaintances.

Their arrangement was convenient. They were both at university in Brooklyn and unlike Rosa’s family, their family did not move from New Jersey to be closer to them. So every summer, every Christmas and every spring break they would drive home and back to college together.

And now she was going to be stuck with Jake in a B&B until the storm cleared. It wasn’t the end of the world, no - Amy did like Jake. Most of the time they hung out together they were either drunk or they were drunk with Rosa. The two and a half hour drive usually was spent with light chatter where Jake would eventually fall asleep or Amy would start reading.

Stuck in a snowstorm, together, with no alcohol.

It wouldn’t be bad, she just thought it was going to be interesting. The nervous feeling only builds once they arrive at the B&B and learn that the only room they have available is one with a double bed. One double bed.

Jake acts like it’s no big deal, they were adults and could maturely share a bed without it being a whole thing. Amy’s read fanfiction, it’s always a thing. She doesn’t mention anything though because she knew one thing definitively; Jake would never let it go.

He still remembered (and brought up quite frequently) that she was the Finger Queen at typing camp one year. So there was no bringing up the Star Wars fanfiction she read on occasion; or worse, the one time she wrote one herself. Jake didn’t lie when he said he would raid the mini fridge. Immediately he took out the drinks and snacks and dumped them on the bed, following them by jumping gracefully into the soft bed.

“What exactly is your plan?” Amy snorts, placing her own bag gently by the bedside table and sitting next to him.

“Get drunk, watch Die Hard probably.” Jake shrugs simply as he finds the remote. “Then fall asleep snuggled by your side to keep warm from the horrible storm.”

“Do you like any movie but Die Hard?” Amy shakes her head, disguising her disgust so that he doesn’t straight up die from shock. “We’re absolutely not watching it.”

“Of course I like other movies!” Jake retorts with a light chuckle, “I just love Die Hard.”

“Oh god.” Amy finally rolls properly onto the bed, burying her face into the pillow.

“Okay, another movie I like…” Jake ponders, and he’s quiet for a few minutes which catches Amy’s attention. “OH! Star Wars! My mom wants to see the new one with me when I get home.”

“Are you serious Jake?” Amy groans, her complete attention now on him. “All these years and you’ve been talking about Die Hard non-stop when we could have been talking about Star Wars? You’re actually messing with me.”

“It’s never come up!” Jake starts giggling, tipping his head back as the laughter gets stronger.

“That’s because you never shut up about Die Hard.” Jake only mimics her face in reply, “Why don’t we watch it? I just got Disney plus last week.”

“Oh?” Jake raised an eyebrow at her, “I did the free trial but I have no money. Zero dollars. College sucks.”

“Maybe you’d have money if you didn’t take everything from the minibar.”

“This is my Christmas present to myself!” Jake counters, turning the TV on.

“I’m not even gonna respond to that.” Amy rolls off the bed again to take out her laptop and it’s only a few short minutes before the beginning notes of the movie plays on the mediocre flat screen in front of them.

“Do you have any theories for the next-” Amy quickly shushes him, not so gently covering his mouth with her hand.

“Not surprised you’re a talker but don’t.” Amy whispers, “I like to hear to movie, we can talk after.”

She’s surprised that he stays quiet for the remainder of the movie. Jake was without fail the loudest person she knew, louder than her brothers. There were only a few comments and laughs shared between them - it even got flirty between them. Amy had never spent this much time alone with Jake and she didn’t expect them to get along without them being drunk. But they were both sober (he finally admitted he couldn’t afford the mini bar) and he was telling every dumb Star Wars joke ever said - she was genuinely having a good time.

Things only got weird again when she starts yawning and he’s suggesting they go to bed. It had been a good night so there was no reason that had to change. Amy would be an adult about it, and maybe she was actually wrong about Jake being an immature child obsessed with an action movie. Jake was a smart and capable adult, compassionate and funny and obsessed with an action movie to no end.

Climbing into bed, Jake is already facing her propped up on his arm. “Now that we aren’t watching the movie wanna talk about theories?”

“Okay, hit me.” Amy shifts so she’s in the same position.

With her permission, he launches into a long spiel of theories. Ones he had seen on the internet and some that he thought of himself when he had been putting off his study. “But my favourite part of the sequels are Finn and Poe, and I know Disney sucks so they probably won’t get together but I have this whole idea of how they could.”

Jake continues to ramble on about his idea, and her stomach drops as he continues because she knew this idea all too well. It was one of her favourite fanfictions. But there was no way - no way there was a not awkward way to ask, and no way Jake could write a story so beautiful.

“Jake, I have a strange question.” Amy sits up, twisting her hands.

“What is it?” Jake looks concerned at the change of her behaviour and that only makes her more nervous.

“Did you write blink back to let me know? Th-the story?” Amy avoids his eyes, so she doesn’t see them crinkle up as he begins to laugh.

“Who would’ve guessed? Amy Santiago is a big enough of a nerd to read fanfiction!” Jake prods at her twisted hands to gain her attention. “I did write that. Small world, huh?”

“You’re not embarrassed?”

“No, I love Finn and Poe a lot.” Jake levels himself to Amy. “It’s just a fun hobby.”

“A hobby? That is my favourite fanfic, Jake. You’re amazing!” Amy waves her hands around, obviously flustered. “You’re you and you wrote that and it’s so beautiful but it came from your weirdo brain! I just need a sec.”

“The most important thing is did you give me kudos?” Jake teases.

“Jake it’s literally bookmarked on my phone.” Amy makes a move to prove it and his draw drops when he sees it open on her phone.

“I’m flattered!”

“I’m so confused.”

“Oh come on!” Jake scoffs with another laugh, “Surely it’s not that surprising that I have an adorably romantic side to me!”

“It’s completely surprising!” Amy sucked in a breath when he winked at her, “But I like it.”

Amy isn’t surprised to find herself cuddled to Jake when she wakes up. Stupid tropes that Jake apparently loves to write about.

She couldn’t help that it was freezing and needed the extra body heat to stay alive in the old B&B. Looking outside she finds that the storm had fizzled out and their landscape was completely covered in fluffy white snow. It would be a little while before they would be able to leave; she can hear the snow plow a few streets over so as soon as it cleared the street they were on, they could leave.

Jake is still asleep when she exits the bathroom, dressed and ready for the day. He was almost as cute asleep as he was when he went on about his stories. Even when he didn’t shut up about Die Hard he was cute.

Usually Amy didn’t care for crushes. No guy was ever enticing enough for her to want to get all giggly over. But right now Amy wanted to press kisses on his face until he woke up and smiled the dumb dopey grin he did when he would fall asleep in the car. She remembers thinking he was cute then, but never thought to act on it, he was too immature.

“Morning writer boy.” Amy pokes his cheek a few times, laughing as he attempts to snuggle further into the bed. “Come on, we need to be ready to leave soon.”

Jake makes extremely unintelligible noises and it has Amy rolling her eyes, “Words of a poet.”

He takes a pillow next to him, throwing it at Amy as he rolls out of bed. It takes him only a few minutes to walk to the bathroom, so Amy was hopeful that they would be able to check out by the deadline. Jake takes an extra five minutes over the check out time but the old lady at reception gives them a break, calling them an adorable couple as they arrive at the desk bickering.

“Hey, uh, since the street hasn’t been cleared…” Jake turns to Amy after he closes the trunk of her car. Amy tilts her head at him, and she has to hide her smile because his nervousness was making her nervous. “Do you wanna go see Star Wars?”

Amy lets out a short laugh, “I… What about your mom?”

“I think she’d be fine if I saw it with someone else if she knew it was a date…” Jake shrugs at her, and his blush was most certainly not from the cold. “The movie theatre is a just a couple of blocks away.”

“A date?” Amy tucks the loose strands of hair back behind her ears, and her heart is beating so loud and this is not what she expected from a road trip with Jake.

“I, uh, it’s okay if you don’t wanna!” Jake trips over his words for a moment, “I just think you’re super cool and I’ve thought about it for ages but I thought you didn’t like me or something and last night…”

Amy interrupts him with a step forward and a soft peck to his cheek. It turns out he could go more pink. “I’d love to go on a date with you.”

Jake offers his arm and she takes the hint quickly, her arm sliding around his bicep. “Now do you wanna make bets on who they’re gonna kill off?”

#my fics #b99 fanfiction #peraltiago fic #jake x amy fic #peraltiago

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vestedbeauty · 3 years

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Guilty of People Pleasing? How to Stop (Even if This Is How You've Survived Until Now)

New Post has been published on https://vestedbeauty.com/guilty-of-people-pleasing-how-to-stop-even-if-this-is-how-youve-survived-until-now/

Guilty of People Pleasing? How to Stop (Even if This Is How You've Survived Until Now)

OK, so, it’s possible that my people pleasing way of life was just coded into me based on the stars and planets. I’m not personally really into astrology but a lot of people I love are. So, I’ve learned that I may be the Libra-est Libra who ever Libra’d. And apparently people pleasing is a thing for us.

But while I weigh that a bit (sorry, Libra joke), I’m going to go share my thoughts on this… trait? Flaw? Coping mechanism? Well, whatever category people pleasing falls into, let’s take a look.

It’s a Good Thing Puppies Are Cute

She’s nearly four now but Pickle has settled down a whole lot. (I’m currently working through a dog training course with her and the rest of the pack to see if we can end the jumping up on people nonsense.) When she was tiny, she did a pretty good impression of The Very Caterpillar. She ate through our slippers. She ate through our blankets. She even ate through the drywall in a couple of places.

“Pickle, it’s a good thing you’re cute,” we said, about a million times. And it’s true.

It’s the same with tiny humans. They smell bad. They cry and cry and cry. And they leave their parents exhausted to the point they can barely remember their own names. But on the deepest level there is, we bond with them to the point we’d give our lives to save them.

Still, it’s a good thing they’re cute.

In part, a baby’s cuteness is a way of people pleasing. We cannot function or even survive on our own. Our survival depends on our parents being willing to take care of us, even though we offer nothing in return.

Last One In Is a Rotten Egg!

Fast-forward a few years, and our world expands from our parents and immediate family outward to include friends, teachers, and a whole lot of people we’ve never met. Humans being humans, we start forming smaller groups.

Like it was programmed into us, we can get pretty ruthless as we sort through the crowd of humanity. Yes to this one, no to that one. We find best friends and second-best friends (remember that?), and we learn how to fit in.

But we also get some brutal lessons about living in kid society. We discover the pecking order, watching some kids rise to the top of the social order and others fall into a perilous place where they are practically untouchable.

The permanent rotten egg, the kid nobody seems to like – even enough to defend when human decency demands it. (I still think about some of the kids I grew up with who were socially brutalized, bullied, cast out. I hope they survived and healed, and while I’m glad I didn’t actively hurt them, I shamefully lacked the courage to befriend them.)

In this Lord of the Flies world, kids learn quickly how important it is to gather allies. Perhaps for the first time ever, they grasp the reality that if they piss people off, they will be shunned and thrust out into the cruel world on their own.

People pleasing becomes a survival mechanism. I believe that’s where it starts for many of us. We learn to walk, talk, and behave in ways that please our cohort enough to keep us safe.

Keep Your Hands and Feet Inside the Ride at All Times

It doesn’t take a genius to realize it’s crucial to fit into the box kid society draws for its members. Fit or face destruction.

So, we contort ourselves to fit. If some odd bit refuses to fold neatly into the box, we cut it off. Survival demands ruthlessness.

… Got a weird hobby? Not anymore.

… Have a weird freckle on the bottom of your foot? Shoes, forever.

… Freaky smart at some subject or another? No. Get a ‘B’ and live.

… Set your sights on a career that seems a little “extra”? Probably don’t talk about that anymore.

It’s not like that for everyone, of course. And there are pockets of welcoming hearts who’ll accept people as they are, thank goodness.

But I suspect this is when many people pleasers develop their modus operandi. People pleasing can look like:

Having a hard time saying no (or even wanting to)

Feeling gutted if someone’s displeased with you

Agreeing with what others decide because you know you can make anything work

Feeling like you’re responsible for other people’s emotions or experiences

Apologies… so many apologies… for everything

Conflict avoidance at any cost

A persistent craving for praise from others

Inability to admit or express “negative” emotions

Struggling to make decisions that impact other people

This nasty list makes sense when you understand that a people pleaser weighs the safety of every word, step, and choice. It makes even more sense when you realize they may have zero experience moving through the world in any other way.

When Enough Is Enough

As a young woman, I took all of this to the next level by choosing a very public life as a pastor’s wife for a couple of decades. Pairing my childhood fascination with Emily Post’s etiquette book with the deep desire to be a good example, I had that box’s contents under control. The stakes seemed to be of eternal significance, after all.

But I learned something huge, courtesy of one of many youth group outings that ended with dinner. It took decades for this lesson to register, but now I can’t unsee it.

“Kids don’t know diddly-squat about what’s good and what’s not good.”

Given the choice between filet mignon and a burger from McDonalds, pretty much every kid in every youth group we ran would choose the golden arches. I could rattle off a bunch of similar examples, but you get it. Discernment comes with age.

That’s why the nerd gets the girl… later in life. Once we can embrace our greatness, right in the face of a crowd that punishes outliers, we flourish. We can become who we were always meant to be. Not coincidentally, that’s when we also find deep personal fulfillment and a sense of finding and fulfilling our purpose.

Allowing some pre-pubescent ghost from decades gone by to dictate how you show up in the world just seems silly. That whole threat to expel you from society for not fitting in becomes laughable.

I mean, it’s not even a thing anymore, anyway.

Who, in the adult world, roams the halls of their home or workplace, shoving people into lockers? What adult taunts someone else about what they brought for lunch – or the fact that person dared to eat when people could see them? And what adult torments another adult for having a passionate interest in an offbeat hobby?

Ridiculous.

You’re Not the Boss of Me!

I’m half-obsessed with Scotland. Many of my family’s roots start there. I freaking love that place, the music, the terrain, the food, the whisky, the spirit of the people – it’s got my heart. Anderson there is like Smith or Jones in America. The Anderson crest reads “Stand Sure.”

Oh, the irony.

That hit me hard as 2020 came to a close. It was both the best and the worst motto I could imagine. These two words, I’d seen on a crest on the wall for as long as I could remember. But it wasn’t really for me.

Some people, as a new year approaches, choose a word for the new year to embody for them. I chose “Stand Sure.”

It felt dangerous. Like, I knew this was going to impact my whole “tread lightly” philosophy in life. I had absolutely zero ideas about how I’d possibly go about addressing my people pleasing. It was so ingrained in me, like when a surgeon refuses to cut out a brain tumor because the brain has grown around it. Or, like separating conjoined twins. This seemed like something I’d just have to live with forever.

MindFix Did the Impossible

I’ve done some woo-woo stuff along my personal development journey. That includes walking on fire, walking on broken glass, climbing redwood trees and jumping off (harnessed in!) to grab a trapeze, and SO many seminars. They all helped me grow. A lot. But during a long weekend in January, I got to work with the team at MindFix.

And it changed everything. But only in the areas where I’ve applied it so far (haha – only a few amazing, miraculous changes!)

Going in, I knew roughly that I wanted to work on this whole people pleasing thing. That’s it. I didn’t know how to even describe it. It felt embarrassing, vague, and permanent. In fact, we never actually discussed it directly. We worked on some other things. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I noticed its absence.

I can’t even begin to explain how Erin and her team do what they do. I won’t even try.

But I can explain this…

I came to a realization that the SUPREME DIRECTIVE under which I’d lived most of my life… was proclaimed by a little kid. A little kid who’d choose a $.67 mass-produced burger over a delectable filet mignon.

You Don’t Know Nuthin’ about Nuthin’

That kid did her best to protect me. To her, safety depended on fitting into a box. Anything that didn’t quite fit should be bent or lopped off.

I’d outgrown her in every way. But I was still listening to her, so life apart from people pleasing felt dangerous. I still exhibited most of the symptoms above – and those behaviors were hurting me.

The work we did helped me go after this dragon and slay it. In realizing that kid version of me was just trying to help, but really didn’t know how, it opened a whole new possibility… just being me.

I could see evidence indicating it was safe to shut her down.

I have weird hobbies (drone flying, chicken raising, classic VW ogling, front yard gardening – just for starters). Nobody torments me over that. (I mean, can you imagine how insane that would be?)

My mate and I are flat-out weird (so much ink, in bed by 7, both creatives – and that list goes on). Nobody follows us, taunting us. (I mean, we did get called the perfect insult in the VW restoration world… Billy-Bob shade-tree Chip Foos wannabes – I can’t even tell you how many giggles I’ve had over that pejorative on our YouTube channel.)

Even my work life is strange (I’ve discovered that the way my brain operates is REALLY unusual. Some would see it as a huge plus; others would find it perplexing.)

And then there’s this one “flaw” that put me in danger of ostracism so much that I shut it down entirely… until I saw it differently and felt safe valuing it.

It’s my capacity to love, like geeking-out, human exclamation point levels of enthusiasm for certain people. (I always gathered that I was too sensitive, too excitable.) That one’s back in play big-time, and it adds incredible joy to my life. Like, one of my favorite things to do is to SEE someone’s greatness and then tell their story in a way that others see it, too.

If This Isn’t Irony…

So, “Stand Sure” is in play.

Undoubtedly, there’s still a little kid inside, desperately trying to keep me in line by pleasing people. But she sure seems quiet these days.

I did crack up, though, when a colleague mentioned that since the start of the year, I’d really started to own my own value. He continued, “I’m not seeing that people pleasing way you used to show up.” And that… that pleased me greatly.

Who knows what else is possible? The best is yet to come.

#people pleasing

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