#...like transphobia against a trans person who is a terrible excuse for a human is still transphobia. it doesn't matter how bad they are | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sam-winchesters-lost-shoe · 4 years

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Let me get one thing straight, and if you disagree with these I would like you to unfollow me. Here are some things I would like to clarify:

-Black Lives Matter. All. The. Time. I don’t want any arguments because it’s not up for debate. WHITE SUPREMACY NEEDS TO FUCK OFF AND DIE.

-I don’t care about your political orientation unless the person you’re voting for is a terrible human being who hates everyone that’s not a straight white man. (To sum it up, I don’t care if you’re republican or Democrat, but Trump supporters specifically need to fuck off)

-the education system in America is Shit and needs to be changed. Stop saying ‘it’s always been that way’, that argument is also trash.

-Wear. A. Motherfucking. MASK!!!! Social distance, too!!!! This isn’t a joke or propaganda people are dying for no reason because of everyone’s stupidity!!!!

-LGBTQ+ is valid and deserves as much love as everyone else. I know what it’s like because I’m in there too, but we also need to get better at excepting EACH OTHER. Gay, Bi, Asexual, Genderdluid: you’re all wonderful and we need to support each other more then ever.

-Rich people need to be taxed more. Sure they’re paying the government more, but when you have 30 million dollars in your bank account it doesn’t even matter to you.

-Speaking Of money, minimum wage is hard to live off of, so if someone complains about being underpaid, THEYRE NOT LAZY OR BAD AT HANDLING MONEY, THEIR JOB JUST ISNT PAYING ENOUGH.

-Birth control and abortion are a human right and should be covered by healthcare. (Don’t even give me the argument that late trimester babies get aborted because that hardly ever happens and when it does it’s because the woman would be endangering her own life to give birth)

-Women are still not equal to men. We’re getting closer, but we’re not there yet. Feminism is needed, and most women aren’t as extreme as the stories you hear about. Feminism means women should be equal to men, not more important or anything like that.

-Mental health is not something to brush off. To all my friends with anxiety, depression, adhd, autism, ptsd or anything along similar: YOU ARE VALID. I know what it’s like and I love you and your situation doesn’t change the fact that you’re a wonderful human being who deserves love.

-Stop fatshaming. Just stop. Most of the overweight people you see are more healthy than those in magazines because the celebrities and everyone in the media usually take drugs or starve themselves. Being fat does not mean you’re unhealthy, but shaming them does make you rude.

-stop using religion as an excuse to hate people. I’m Christian, and the argument that ‘gay people are sinners’ falls apart because EVERYONE is a sinner and you’re directly going against God’s rule of ‘love thy neighbor as thyself’ anyways, so you’re no better.

-speaking of religion, every religion and branch of every religion is also valid! I’m sorry that some of you don’t feel welcomed or allowed to express yourself in public because you should be. Your hijabs and traditions or any other part of your religion are beautiful and you shouldn’t have to hide them.

-Trans women are Women! Trans men are Men! Accept their pronouns or new names and give them love!

-Also, there are more than 2 genders. Accept that and get over it. Stop calling people “snowflakes” and shaming them for not wanting to associate with gender roles that are unnecessary anyways.

-And finally, if you’re old enough to vote, VOTE BLUE! Like I said in the beginning, I don’t care if you’re republican or Democrat, but I DO have a problem with trump! He’s making racism, sexism, transphobia and all sorts of other problems even worse and he’s not doing anything positive in return! He isn’t improving the economy, he isn’t saving lives from coronavirus (he’s actually making things worse) and he won’t even dispute the fact that WHITE SUPREMACY SHOULDNT BE A THING. If you’re a republican, he’s a terrible human being who’s setting us back hundreds of years and we need to get him out of office before he makes things worse. Biden has some issues, but for fucks sake he’s better than trump. Everyone please vote blue this year and afterwards you can go back to your parties but we need to get trump out of office NOW.

Alright......I think I’m done now. Message me if you wanna talk about anything I said and debate it’s validity because I’ve done it my whole life and most of the arguments against these are stupid. Just love everyone no matter their gender, orientation or sexuality....but Fuck Trump and his followers.

#donald trump #trumpneedstogo #trump vs biden #trans pride #nonbinary pride #wlw pride #feel free to discuss #mini rant #repost #notupfordebate #trump is the enemy of the people #impeach trump #covid19 #covid2020 #joe biden

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molsno · 3 years

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I’m skipping the middleman on that trans ask game and just answering all the questions myself <3

this is long so it’s under a read more

1. How did you choose your name?

in senior year of high school, while I was in french class, I was thinking about the word vivre, to live, and how it conjugated. I forget what tense it is, but one way of conjugating it is “nous vivions”, and it dawned on me that the name vivian is based on the word vivre (or its latin origin). of course, I already liked the name due to the character from paper mario ttyd, but knowing that it means life really spoke to me, as I think the ability to live is a precious thing that shouldn’t be wasted. I decided pretty much then and there that I would name my daughter vivian some day. well... then I got the chance to play a character in my friend’s danganronpa killing game, and I thought playing a girl would be interesting. granted, I also already knew I was an egg and saw this as an opportunity to try out my favorite name, so I created vivian tamochi. as you might have guessed, I loved being her so much that I made vivian my actual name

2. What gives you the most dysphoria?

um, hearing recordings of my own voice probably. I always think that I sound very feminine but then I hear a recording of myself and it sounds like a bad impression

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

more social I guess? actually yeah I think all of the dysphoria-induced breakdowns I’ve had have been because of social things

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?

something that helps a lot is shaving, especially when it’s a fullbody shave

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

this is a bit embarrassing but it was honestly christmas eve 2018. I saw my little cousin (I think she was 8 at the time) wearing a pretty dress and I felt sort of jealous that I never got to do that when I was her age. I was so confused about this feeling that I told my trans friend kyra about it and after asking me to clarify what I meant she linked me to the egg_irl subreddit. that was the first time I seriously considered it

6. When did you realize you were transgender?

I told my friend amanda how I’d been confused about my gender and she offered to take me to goodwill to try on some clothes. I was extremely nervous about it while we were there and I really had to work up the courage to not only pick out some clothes to try, but also take them to the fitting room with me. but once I put on a skirt for the first time I stood there for like a solid 5 minutes just looking at myself in the mirror with the biggest happiest smile on my face. in that moment I finally understood what gender euphoria was. I couldn’t deny I was trans any longer, it was just a matter of working up the courage to tell people

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?

um, probably that I feel like a person now. also the little things, like seeing my hips get bigger or looking at how long my hair has gotten. just little things to smile about!

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

um, I’m girl <3

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?

I mean it depends on who, but I decided to do it on national coming out day 2019, in my discord server with friends. basically I commented on it being national coming out day and reposted my intro in the introductions channel with my new name and pronouns. everyone there sorta saw it coming I’m pretty sure

10. What have your experiences been with packing or tucking?

I’ve tucked a few times in public. it’s uncomfortable for sure, but not terrible once you get used to it. the idea of it made me squeamish at first, I’ll admit. but since I haven’t had much excuse to go out in girlmode the past year or so, I haven’t tucked much

11. What are your experiences with binding or wearing breast forms?

the closest I’ve ever gotten to wearing breast forms is wearing a bra every day for..... almost a year now? it doesn’t serve much purpose other than letting me feel something there, though that is changing since I’ve been on hrt for several months

12. Do you pass?

I mean... probably not? I feel like I’m very visibly trans. there have been like two times where I’ve been gendered correctly in public (one in girlmode, one not) but those are extremely rare

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?

well I’ve been on hrt for 8 months now so that’s one thing. I want to get laser hair removal for my facial hair because that’s one of the biggest sources of dysphoria for me, but yknow. that’s expensive! according to my understanding my insurance supposedly should cover bottom surgery, but I’m honestly in no rush to get that. I don’t really have much bottom dysphoria, but it would be nice to get surgery some day

14. How long have you been out?

it’s been about a year and two months now...... time flies

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

up until I was like 17 I was incredibly insistent on being cis and straight despite very obvious (in retrospect) signs to the contrary. around 18 I was very confused why all my friends were lgbt in some form and also I kinda started realizing I don’t mind dick, and I thought it would all make sense if I was bi. I identified as cis and bi for like 4 years or so but the longer it went on the more wrong it felt considering I had never once during that time been attracted to a man

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?

surprisingly not really? the most transphobia I’ve experienced has been a result of automated processes like proctored testing or emails. of course, I’ve seen all the nasty shit that terfs say about people like me, but I’ve never been a victim of it directly

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

if there is a universal restroom that I can lock from inside then I use that. if not, I sigh dramatically and sadly use the men’s room

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?

truthfully I don’t know. my mom seems accepting enough, but with the pandemic going on I haven’t talked to her much. I know my sister is aware, and shockingly she seems supportive too, but we haven’t talked about it in depth

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

if I could go stealth I would. I’m sorry but I don’t want to be visibly trans

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

the sooner you start transitioning the happier you’ll be. by denying this part of yourself you’re just making yourself miserable

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?

she/her makes me happiest. I’ve (against my will, mind you) used they/them and been called molsno in a group that I wasn’t out in, and..... it made me feel..... distant, I guess? it was better than he/him, but it felt much less personal

22. Do your neurodivergencies and/or disabilities affect your gender?

I mean...... yeah? as a trans lesbian it’s very easy for me to hate masculinity given how it’s instilled nothing but negative feelings in me literally my entire life, and being autistic makes it harder to understand how the things I say about gender negatively impact the people around me

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

the fear that I may never be able to believe I can be loved as a woman, probably

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?

coming out nearly everywhere and getting on hrt!

25. What do you wish cis people understood?

I desperately wish cis people understood even the basics of trans issues. still to this day many cis people don’t even know the right terminology to use for trans people. they think “trans man” and “trans woman” mean the opposite of what they actually mean and that’s just so goddamn frustrating. many of them think transitioning is just bottom surgery and that’s it. like, they don’t know anything about hrt. cis people please educate yourselves on trans issues I’m begging you

26. What impact has being trans had on your life?

it’s affected many aspects of my life but I think the biggest one is that I feel like a person now. I always felt like a robot, or like someone putting on a performance before, but I feel like a human being now

27. What do you do to validate yourself?

ummm... not much really. I guess one thing that has helped is making my character astrid trans? because if I ever think something bad about myself I can stop myself and ask if I would think the same thing about her, and of course the answer is no.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?

it’s bad. trans women very rarely get any positive representation. like the only transfem characters that come to mind that I think were handled well were lily hoshikawa from zombieland saga and vivian from paper mario (although even that’s debatable given the english censorship about her gender and the way beldam abuses her in japanese). meanwhile nonbinary representation consists almost exclusively of aliens, shapeshifters, robots, etc. and trans men get literally nothing. like. trans representation is just so abysmal it’s not even funny

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?

umm....... I don’t really care about celebrities lol. if I were to answer this question it would be “oh yes I’ve heard of these people”

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

gosh, how could I ever decide? most of my friends are trans so it’s hard to say but if I had to answer.... my friends kyra and modeus were probably the most helpful when I was figuring myself out

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?

mostly online

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

I’ll almost certainly still be a woman, and hopefully my transition will have gone well enough that I’ll be able to pass

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?

healthcare. the difficulty so many people face with getting access to trans healthcare is ridiculous and discriminatory. I’ve written essays for school about this topic and they were the easiest essays I’ve had to write because of how passionate I am about this

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?

pick your head up queen/king/royal, your cat ears are falling down

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?

well I’m white, able bodied, average weight, and I’m about to get a degree in computer science, so I have a lot of privilege that other trans people don’t have. I fully recognize that. it breaks my heart that so many less privileged trans people, particularly trans women of color, are murdered and never even get the justice they deserve. I wish there was more I could do to stop it, but privileged as I am, I’m only one person. I want everyone to be aware of who the major victims of transphobia are. look out for black trans women especially, they need your protection and support most of all

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?

not much. I’m a woman with a very feminine gender expression, when I’m free to be. the biggest feminine thing that I don’t do is makeup, but that’s more due to dysphoria rather than a distaste for it

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?

feminine uwu

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I am a lesbian and that is very epic of me. I love girls and seeing girls in love makes me happy and imagining myself as a girl in love with another girl makes me even happier

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

I always hate admitting this, but due to personal reasons, my ideal partner is cis. this is mostly because I very much want to have biological children, and that’s simply not possible with another trans woman. I wouldn’t rule out an afab nonbinary person entirely, it just really depends on how comfortable said person is with femininity and also how they feel about dating a lesbian. if not for my desire to have kids (which is not something I’m willing to compromise on since it has been my lifelong dream) I would have a lot more options. truth be told, cis women kind of scare me, and it would be so much easier to date someone who fundamentally understands what it’s like to be trans. but biology is cruel unfortunately

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

it was incredibly difficult. thankfully, it didn’t last very long. I only had to wait about 6 months, and most of that time was spent waiting until I was able to bank sperm because I didn’t want to risk becoming permanently infertile after starting hrt

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?

ngl...... reddit. the trans boards have many, many helpful resources for transfem people. I don’t really go there anymore but it was immensely helpful in the early stages

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I mean..... yeah, but not very much anymore on account of the pandemic. I made a few trans friends junior year of college and we still talk occasionally, but it’s been several months since I last saw them all

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?

not really 😔

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.

“Wow Vivi how come you’re so epic?”

I was born this way <3

#personal

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thebuggyy · 5 years

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ok so. i was not aware of this until a few minutes ago, but sam smith recently announced publically that they now use they/them pronouns (yay!). i found this out from a post on r/unpopularopinions and it unfortunately a blatantly transphobic post.

what is so terrible about it is that there was a 77% agree tag on it.

77%. agreed.

you may be wondering. ‘but evan, what if they just didn’t understand it? they’re confused!’ and to that i say: stop and consider you’re saying.

now maybe you need to read the actual post. so now, i’m going to painstakingly go through that post sentence by sentence. or maybe a couple sentences at a time.

i’d like to note that i while i am not nonbinary, i am trans myself. please do reblog with comments on anything in this post, i am very interested to see people’s opinions. while cis ppl can and should reblog, i will not tolerate transphobia. don’t be a fool.

so the title of the post:

We need broader acceptance of individuality, NOT more pronouns or genders.

when i saw this i thought, okay, but what does individuality mean? what more pronouns and genders? are they perhaps in anger against MOGAI genders/sexualities? either way, i was not prepared for the actual post at all.

I was reading an article about pop-star Sam Smith where he asks to go by “they” rather than “him”, because he has never felt like a man or a woman.

okay. okay. first off. the disrespect in this poster’s words is maybe not apparent yet, except for the fact that they misgender sam smith immediately. and it’s as they’re explaining that sam smith uses they/them pronouns! still, this didn’t prepare me for what was to come.

Quite frankly, I find it utterly stupid. It has no bearing on your life or mine, and Sam Smith or anyone else is free to do and say whatever they please, but I can’t help but think that it’s the wrong approach.

you find it stupid? okay, yes, it doesn’t have any bearing on either of our lives. but that doesn’t mean you can’t give them the respect that they politely requested you give them by asking you to use they/them pronouns for them. it’s literally just human decency. that’s it. they’re not asking you to focus on them! just to use they/them pronouns if you do! and look, you’ve already fucked it up.

Sam Smith is a man, because you know... biology.

i’d like to mention that in one of their comments on this post, they tell someone that “Horseshit. This has nothing to do with transphobia.”

. . .

this is the definition of transphobia.

you know what’s on the wikipedia page for transphobia?

MISGENDERING. and what do we see this reddit user doing throughout this post? misgendering. this entire post is transphobic.

moving on.

I can understand that he perhaps doesn’t identify with traditional male stereotypes, but surely the answer is not to change our language.

listen. i have a lot to say about this. again, this reddit user uses he to refer to sam smith (misgendering them, yet again. another point for transphobia!).

when someone comes out as nonbinary, it’s not because they don’t identify with stereotypes. it’s because they don’t identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. that’s it. that’s being trans. by itself, wanting to wear makeup or a dress is not what makes someone trans. yes, that often does come with someone transitioning to be female, but that’s because they are searching to feel feminine, not because they want to break the male stereotype.

it’s not about being a different kind of man for sam smith, it’s about being neither a man nor a woman. plain and simple.

and don’t even get me started on the changing our language bit.

singular they, according to wonderful wikipedia, has been in use since the 14th century. this isn’t new. this isn’t changing the language, and that is not a valid excuse to misgender someone.

also, sidenote, but even if it WAS new, two things:

1. languages change and evolve. when was the last time you used thou and thy unironically? that’s language changing, baby

2. IT’S CALLED BASIC HUMAN DECENCY AND RESPECTING THEIR WISHES.

Would it not be better to raise awareness, and gradually broaden our perspective on what’s accepted and what isn’t for men or women?

raising awareness on breaking stereotypes is all well and good. but i despise it being used as an argument to not respect people.

is it not hypocritical to say that we should ‘broaden our perspective on what’s accepted and what isn’t for men or women’ and then completely destroy that argument by not accepting sam smith’s request to use they/them pronouns? it literally takes zero effort to NOT write a whole post about how nonbinary ppl are stupid, and you still did it! you put MORE effort into NOT spreading awareness about acceptance, and instead wrote a transphobic post about how we should ignore someone asking for acceptance.

the bullshit meter is off the charts.

Surely that’s more productive rather than confusing the hell out of people with new pronouns depending on the personality of a person?

what does the end of this sentence even mean?? the personality of the person??? and also, sam smith is deliberately giving you the opportunity to not be confused. they came out very publically and stated what pronouns they are going by. they did NOT just start getting mad at ppl for using he/him.

this article compiles sam smith’s tweets/instagram captions on the matter. you’ll note that they specifically state that they will try and help people to understand what they mean by all of this, and they also tag activists in the trans/nb community who specifically helped them understand their identity.

when sam smith is giving all of these resources, i will simply not accept blatant transphobia under the guise of confusion. confusion does not mean you have to write an entire post about how nonbinary people are trying to confuse people.

in conclusion.

support sam smith and their coming out. don’t be transphobic. love nonbinary people. love people because they are people, not because you’re not “confused” by them.

#sam smith #sam smith pronouns #sam smith coming out #lgbtq #lgbt #nonbinary #nb #trans #long post #sorry for that i just went off.

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bigowlenergy · 5 years

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Can u fix shield hero? no, but lets enjoy ourselves anyway

ok, now that the Bad Time is out of the way, how do we have fun with this dumpster fire narrative?

first order of business, make naofumi an actual victim. if ur going to explore male victimization and trauma, then u need a victim. this should be obvious, but alas, none exist in the entire series.

the most thematic options are to actually make the racism/sexual assault aspects matter. taking the initial situation at the tavern on Night One and turning it into an actual assault against naofumi at the hands of a woman who is socially, politically, and culturally in power over him offers a great opportunity to give his misogyny and trauma responses some actual ground to exist. having major trust issues and wanting to control members of the sex that raped u is a totally valid response to that sort of trauma. it makes a measure of actual sense rather than just being the best excuse a guy has found for being shitty to women and thinking himself the victim.

it would also be a heavy culture shock that actually makes melromarc look remotely close to the monarchy it nominally is supposedly. cis men in reality have a hard enough time understanding their own victimization to abusive women; it would be a huge blow to ye olde excited isekai protag expecting a Good Time and getting a heavy dose of a swapped power imbalance instead. having to deal with being the least favored hero & social ostracized due to it & a sexual assault reputation & while being an actual victim? damn son, that sounds like a narrative that has Value. sounds like a terrible time! noice.

and ive mentioned it in an earlier post, but demi-human naofumi? bro? that’s a solid hell yeah from me. like, just malty KNOWING she can absolutely do whatever she wants to him, including sell him into slavery with ease and holding that over him? maybe even not publicly accusing him, but keeping him on her side as basically her own slave and forcing his compliance through the same threat he canonically wields over raphtalia - that it would only be worse if it were someone else who owned him. that she’s a merciful master, compared to others, and all he has to do is obey her and help her rise through the ranks to reclaim the throne from melty.

all the political drama and treacherous royalty comes to head so quickly, in a situation like that - being the shield hero, who can only protect, having to further protect the one privileged person who needs absolutely no more protection? while being a member of a race considered subhuman and oppressed and seeing first hand how other demihumans are treated by the king? and being kept in such a way to prevent him from ever helping them or being helped by others? poetic cinema.

but which way to go, then? a prey animal usually perceived as weak or a predator/ closer to beastmen type who are racially stereotyped as inherently dangerous and needing to be controlled for the other heroes safety? or maybe even a human passing one, with only small hints - just enough to make him a social target but enough that he can still be perceived as human except until confirmed otherwise? and using that to his advantage in getting the other heroes to see it as human slavery/ using his human appearance to better help other demihumans from the other side.

there’s other ways to mess with the victim/minority angle to -

trans male naofumi dealing with the double whammy of being in a horrible situation that maybe - very possibly - could be solved by a self outing to a bunch of total strangers who already aggressively hate and discriminate against him + having the thought of ‘well, i wanted to be socially treated like a man’. and then having to make that choice of accepting it and remaining safe and presumed cis or leaning into the matriarchy society and the fact of a whole new world to hope things are different here. a horrible choice that leads to living feral in the woods like usual, but damn if it aint validating his gender.

OR “I cant possibly have r^ped this woman with my dick cause i dont got one!!! case closed bitches” of course there is no transphobia bc we love ourselves here

OR trans woman nao coming into the narrative with loads of internalized misogyny and denial and slowly having all those breakdowns due to being treated like a cis male rapist. maybe socially transitioning after the queen takes back over and the other heroes having to deal with absolutely nothing they knew about the shield hero being remotely correct.

OR hell, malty is also a trans woman, and naofumi comes out to her as her first party member that night and everybody has a good time! malty learning to sympathize with the hated shield hero through shared experiences as the least favorite child in the family and trans feels and ending up getting good character development and siding with the shield hero.

bruh i wanna enjoy this narrative so bad but the amount of heavy lifting required is obscene. instead of defending anything, i will just queer the narrative until it feels good. take that.

#shieldbro #shield hero #i will take a hammer #and fix the canon #do i ever have patience for cis protags #nope.

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thenotsoguiltypleasurepod · 3 years

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Reclaiming My Identity and Finding Courage After Abuse by Evan.

rigger warning: the following essay deals with topics such as emotional and sexual abuse, as well as mental health and suicide. please read/listen when you’re in a good headspace - whatever that means to you - , and don’t hesitate to reach out for help.

—

My name is Evan. I’m 18 and I’m from Canada. My pronouns are he/him and they/them, and today I want to talk about my story of emotional and sexual abuse. This will be the first time I’ve ever come clean about my abuse, and I’m hoping this helps me in my journey towards healing (and I hope it resonates with at least one of you, too).

Ben and I knew each other for just less than 2 years, In December 2017, when I was 15, a mutual friend introduced us. She thought it was right in thinking we would be compatible and, full disclosure, I hold nothing against her for introducing us. She is still a close friend of mine and I love her very much. What happened over the next two-ish years was not her fault, and neither of us could have predicted the dumpster fire that the relationship became. At this time in my life, I had only been out as a trans for a few months, I was enduring toxicity from my parents after coming out, and I was morbidly depressed, alienated, and susceptible to Ben’s abusive behaviour. After all, when you’re dehydrated and you have no water nearby, even tiny, dirty puddles begin to look tempting.

Ben was my antithesis - outspoken + unapologetic, confident + popular, well-rounded + accomplished, but we were united in our scars and vulnerability. Our whole lives had been spread on the table like cards in a matter of weeks. Before long we were delving into each other's deepest memories and sharing mutual traumas.

We were codependent right from the start. Ben became the oxygen I needed in order to keep my head above water; he made me believe I wasn't alone, I was worth something, I mattered, and I was loved.

This ‘honeymoon phase’ acted as the revival I so desperately needed, but nowadays it pains me to think of how freely we crossed boundaries. Then again, I felt like I didn't have a home because of the toxicity and transphobia I faced in my family’s house. I was a human being torn in two - I was one person for Ben, and another person at home. With Ben I was accepted instead of cast out, so I rode out the anxiety and fear and I trusted him blindly. I abundantly placed faith in him, believing we would always be inseparable. Unfortunately I was imperceptive to the initial warning signs; we shared intimate parts of our lives, yet I never ever actually felt like I knew him or connected with him. He constantly had this air of unpredictability around him, and while this mysterious atmosphere he created initially allured me, overtime it became a source of confusion, doubt, and fear for me. He had this ability to read me like a book and he knew more about me than anyone else ever had, yet he always felt like an enigma. Still, I convinced myself that I was just imagining this, and continued to devote myself to this person, thinking, “This is what good friends do… right?”

Admittedly, I developed romantic feelings for Ben. How could I not? I was young, alone, and I had found someone who supported me through my darkest moments when it seemed like nobody else would. Such feelings were not reciprocated, and that didn’t affect me as much as the aftermath did. To be blunt, he led me on. He said he did not love me back, yet when we were alone he would hold and cuddle me and tell me things that only dedicated partners would say. I felt so safe in his arms, like my short, pudgy, unashamedly trans body was sacred and beautiful and meant to be held, yet I always went home feeling startled and confused. It kept me up at night, as I tossed and turned and argued with rationality, but I continuously ignored my gut. Ben noticed this confusion and naivety, and he took advantage of it by constantly touching me. I really should have paid attention to my intuition whenever he placed his hand on my leg or tried to hug me, which was frequent. I always felt this painful, anxious, even nauseous feeling in my stomach whenever he touched me, but I buried it because I thought I was touch-starved, and I believed that the sick feeling in my body was just young love; butterflies in the stomach. However, those butterflies must have had tiny knives taped to their wings, because it hurt and I knew it. It scared me to have someone demonstrate control over my body whenever we were together in public, but all I wanted and needed was to be loved, so I ignored my instincts. That safe, warm feeling of being held turned to insecurity and uncertainty, even when we were alone, and the boundaries had become blurred and nuanced. Using what words I felt strong enough to use, I tried to tell him ‘no’, but he didn’t listen. I’ve never been the best at speaking, but whenever I tried telling him ‘no’ it was like I had suddenly forgotten most of the English language, because any and all futile attempts at setting healthy boundaries fizzled into the abyss instantaneously. He kept taking, and I saw no other options but to keep giving.

We were in constant contact, regardless of if I was eating, tired, at work, or simply not in the mood to talk - if he called, I was there, or else I felt guilty. We saved each other from self-destruction many times, which sounds poetic, but it wasn’t. It was gruelling, and not something to romanticize. Both of us had become solely responsible for the other person’s happiness; in fact, I was consumed by his happiness, devoting days without eating or sleeping or being able to concentrate in class questioning if he was okay. I became his keeper, always emotionally and physically available for him. I spent months neglecting my own needs in order to tame the hurricane that he was experiencing. I excused this disrespect for my own life as support. Every friendship had hiccups - mine were no different, right? He did save me, this is the least I could offer him in return.

This whirlwind of cotton-candy codependency and unrespected boundaries lasted until, roughly, October 2018 - ten months after meeting him. I was 16 by then; my birthday is in April. October 2018 is what I like to refer to as ‘The Shift’. He went from being all over me to pretending I was a background character. When I needed emotional support, he would ignore me, like our history had vanished from existence and I was a complete stranger to him. He would stay silent until I was finished talking, and then immediately move on and talk about himself, offering no attempts to be a friend to me. He showed all of his other friends affection right in front of me, like I was a dog being teased with a bone, and he was horribly unfair to me. I barely had any other friends to rely on - overtime he had slowly isolated me from my peers, and that’s when I started to realize how different I had become. I didn't know myself anymore, and none of my friends recognized me either. For the sake of this article I actually reached out to my current group of friends - most of whom I knew prior to, and during, my friendship with Ben - and they said they noticed how ‘distant and distrusting’ I was. I appeared lethargic yet hypervigilant. To directly quote one of my closest friends, I seemed like, “a wounded dog who wanted to eat the food a rescuer was offering but did not trust them enough to not hurt them like all the humans did before them.” I was not who I wanted myself to be - my personality had moulded to become everything Ben wanted it to be, and I had no idea how to act or who to be anymore. Just the thought of leaving Ben and living without him petrified me, even though he was causing me so much pain and grief, and I found myself a torn-apart man once more. Ben had squeezed all of the energy out of me and hung me up to dry, and I was stranded, with no choice but to follow him around as he expected me to. Many of my loved ones told me that Ben was abusive and I urgently needed to walk away, but I couldn’t. I was trapped, and so I prayed to the Universe every night that life would ‘go back to the early days’... back to when I felt loved.

But it never happened. It never went back. In fact, it only became worse. Instead of ignoring me whenever I needed help, he said things like, “you’re being overdramatic,” and, “you’re being ridiculous.” If I showed even the slightest inkling of emotion, he told me I was overreacting. I had been cornered, and as a result of bottling up my thoughts and emotions for so long, I eventually reached my breaking point. In January 2019, I attempted to end it all, to erase myself from physical existence. I spent the following few weeks physically and emotionally recovering from my failed attempt, and I hardly told anyone about it because I didn't want to go to the hospital. Ben knew, though. He knew, and he ignored me. Not once did he even ask me if I was okay. He treated me with a deafening silence.

The peak of my sexual abuse came in the months after. It’s hard for me to talk about, but what he did to me, he did to me numerously and in public. It was not rape, keep in mind, but it was still repeated sexual assault. People watched and judged and did nothing, leaving me to regularly have silent anxiety attacks on the bus on my way home from school shortly after it had happened.

Whenever I achieved something, he belittled me, telling me that ‘it was nothing to be proud of’. I used to be involved in community theatre, and whenever I was involved in a show, he never ever came, creating silly excuses for why he didn’t want to be there to support me, yet whenever he had something going on, he would guilt-trip me and beg me to be there to support him until I caved and went against my will. He used to gossip about my faults to his mother, who could be just as harsh as him, and he’d then tell me all of the terrible and bitchy things she said about me, which degraded me immensely. I was never, ever allowed to hold him accountable for anything, and if I did, he would deny, deflect, and pick at me until I gave up. Everything had to revolve around him - he always had to take up the most space, be the loudest person in the room, and make sure I knew that he was superior to me. If he saw me hurt or crying, he would do nothing, and sometimes he even tried to dispute my feelings, telling me that I should not have been feeling a certain way in a situation I was in.

I could go on about everything else that happened to me. More importantly, though, I got out of it. In October 2019, I blocked his number and distanced myself from him, and one month later I properly sent him a message saying that I did not want to be his friend anymore, and that was it. It was excruciating, yet one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. Truthfully, if I hadn’t left when I did, I don’t think I would be here today.

It is now August 2020. Since leaving him I've reconnected with old friends and I have an amazing group of people who help me work through my trauma, and they've always supported and respected me. I am now a neopagan witch, and my spirituality is a huge source of healing in my life. Additionally, I’ve discovered new interests, which has helped me so much in reshaping my identity from someone who was an empty shell, to being an multifaceted human being with a personality again. I’m still in the process of unravelling my trauma, and I now live with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), but I feel whole again. The abuse is a big part of my life, and I am actively learning how to not let it define me, since at one point, it did. Community is so, so important, and if I hadn’t received the support from my friends after I left, I would have been a goner, but it’s important to remember that you cannot be defined by who is in your social circle and the people who tell you they love you. You are worthy just by existing, by being the independent human being you are, and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone. If you’re currently in an abusive situation or if you’re recovering from one, please remember that the only person you owe your health, happiness, and overall wellbeing to, is yourself, and you do not exist to please others. Your own happiness is most important. You’re not just valuable, you are priceless, and your power in this world cannot be matched. My heart goes out to you, and please take care of yourself.

You can get into contact with Evan if you’d like to reach out by emailing them at [email protected] please only reach out for positive or constructive reasons.

Artwork by @wavey_abs_art on Instagram.

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nightcoremoon · 4 years

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honestly I couldn't give less of a shit about joseph robinette biden jr as a person. he's a white democrat. no, he's THE white democrat. he's the same as john kerry, al gore, michael dukakis, walter mondale, george mcgovern, hubert humphrey, whatever. I don't know them from adam, I don't know shit besides they're liberals who lost to DANGEROUSLY EVIL AND INCOMPETENT REPUBLICANS like, well, nixon reagan and bush. who single handedly fucked over this country in very distinct and separate ways. I don't care if it's biden, bloomberg, butt, steyer, bennett, he's a white male democrat, and he's way less of a threat to the generalized american public than, you know, open fascists.

a democratic president means a liberal senate. a liberal house. a liberal supreme court. liberal laws. liberal economy. liberal healthcare. liberal everything and not just what color sits in the white house. better treatment even slightly for women, poc, gay, trans, disabled, of a religious minority, mentally ill, terminally ill, elderly, and victims of sex crime, off the top of my head. because all of those groups are treated worse than garbage right now under the republicans. things are in dire straits for them, for all of us. trump will only make things worse; already the cops are becoming his own private PMC. he's assaulting the media that won't take his buyout. he's infecting the people with the 14 points. he's rolling back the protections for everyone. in another 4 years we won't have another vote.

if you talk shit about biden, you want fascism.

if you talk shit about biden you want the police attacking civilians and retaliating against those who would speak out against the injustice.

if you talk shit about biden you want a return to criminalizing queerness.

if you talk shit about biden you want even less punishment for perpetrators of rape and sexual assault.

If you talk shit about biden you want even more punishment for EWB and ounces of weed.

if you talk shit about biden you support eugenics and conversion therapy.

if you talk shit about biden you support rampant violent murderous transphobia.

if you talk shit about biden you are complicit.

he has the nomination and is the potential democrat and is the only alternative to trump

he is our only fucking hope.

suck it the fuck up

and vote for him

you fucking idiots~

shut the fuck up about drone strikes. shut the fuck up about oil wars. shut the fuck up about human trafficking for adrenochrome. if they're gonna happen regardless of who's the prez then you're brainless degenerate if you use that as an excuse for your voter apathy. all of those people are already fucked. they're gonna die no matter what happens unless you wanna single handedly destroy the military piece by piece. but what you CAN do is help to prevent the bloodshed of the people who are already here. you can't save everyone. you won't save everyone. but you can make a piece of this world slightly less terrible and full of misery and death. would you rather 30 people die or those 30 people plus another 300? dumbass.

if jorgensen gets enough votes to split the difference I'm gonna be disappointed but unsurprised

#honestly if trump is re elected #i will actually consider violence #i will delete everything and go off grid #get a vpn and scrub my social media of dissent #and since nobody else has the fucking balls #ill fix it myself

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