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hopeymchope · 1 year

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No hardcore fandom has ever died so quickly and so completely as Veronica Mars. This is the story of its murder.

They should study Veronica Mars in Hollywood. I'm serious. It's an incredible story of how to go from "loud, passionate fanbase with its own fandom name that campaigns and advocates constantly for it" to "absolutely zero fucking interest" damn near OVERNIGHT with just ONE epically terri-bad decision.

If you weren't there, you don't understand: From 2007 to 2014, the fandom — the "Marshmallows," as they called themselves — were everywhere in the Internet's geek spaces, my friends. They routinely beat the drum about the series' three seasons and its excellence, lamented its cancellation, pushed others to give the show a try, and always - ALWAYS - proudly and loudly called for the series to be revived.

FULL DISCLOSURE/CONFESSION: I've not even watched that much Veronica Mars, frankly... ? Yeah, I'm sorry! it does seem pretty good from like the four-or-five hours I've experienced firsthand. I just never took the time to sit down with it. Regardless, I find fandoms and their dynamics — both how they operate internally and how they display to others externally — deeply fascinating. And I honestly find them easier to study from the outside than the inside. Like, if I'm IN a fandom, I'm more likely to stay in my corner and ignore places that seem negative. But being on the outside lets me just... absorb what's out there, looking into every forum without judgment. It's like studying pop-culture sociology or something? And it helps that I'm very close to some serious(-ly burnt) Marshmallows. It makes it so much easier to find and absorb the gamut of the fandom.

Besides: There is NO fandom story I've ever seen that's anything like what happened to Veronica Mars and the Marshmallows.

(Time to insert a brief explainer for the uninitiated: Veronica Mars was a TV series that aired from 2004-2007 on the now-deceased UPN network wherein Kristen Bell played the titular character, a high school girl whose single dad was a private detective in the fictional community of Neptune, California. She grew up working "unofficially" as his assistant, which meant that she herself was effectively a teenage private detective.

The three core elements of the series were: 1) Veronica investigating each week's big mystery with plenty of quips and snark, 2) Watching Veronica's various relationships develop and shift, with most of the focus given to a) her relationship to her father and b) Her romantic pursuits (which began as the Veronica/Duncan/Logan triangle before eventually becoming focused on the slow-burn, off-on Veronica/Logan love story), and 3) The gradual development of that season's "mytharc" — the overarching BIG MYSTERY that doesn't get resolved or wrapped until the season finale. So it went over the course of two seasons that took place in high school and the third, shorter season that was at the start of Veronica's collegiate career.)

Just how big and how passionate were the Marshmallows? WELL! When series creator Rob Thomas (not the Matchbox 20 guy) and star Kristen Bell announced the Kickstarter campaign for the Veronica Mars movie in March 2013, it achieved its heretofore-unprecedented goal of TWO MILLION GODDAMN DOLLARS within less than 12 hours. At that time, it was the biggest Kickstarter goal to ever succeed — and certainly the fastest to reach that kind of height. Fans fell OVER themselves to pay out for it. Hell, my own significant other was DEEP in the tank for VM at the time and invested enough to get multiple t-shirts as backer rewards as well as a disk copy of the movie when it eventually came home.

And AFTER the movie hit in 2014? It was thankfully beloved and embraced! The once-teenage characters were adults who were actually out living on their own and working for a living, but the fandom had grown up with them, so it wasn't like they were begging for them to stay young students. They embraced Adult Veronica and her new adventure. The fandom rejoiced loudly and continued to be all over the geek side of the Internet... where they, of course, still wanted more. Sure, there were new novels in the aftermath (which were written by the creator of the series), but most of the Marshmallows were calling for more movies or a streaming revival.

And then, at long last... season four was actually announced. And there was much (premature) rejoicing yet again.

Yes, Veronica Mars returned for a fourth season on Hulu in 2019. It was just eight episodes, and it was heavily centered on one season-long mystery instead of sprinkling that amongst a bunch of smaller ones, but it would still feature the same ol' Veronica. They promised a new, more "adult" mystery/investigation plus a strong focus on Veronica and Logan's love story.

New Hulu purchased the rights to the first three seasons and hyped up its presence on the platform while marketing the return for the new run. The marketing team played up the most popular quips from the show's history plus put out TONS of stuff centered on the Logan/Veronica ship to pump up the fans.

The season was dropped all at once using the classic Netflix "binge" model in July 2019. And then... afterwards?

There was a brief explosion of LOUD RAGE from the Marshmallows at what series creator Rob Thomas had to done to burn and spite the fandom and ruin his own goodwill.

SPOILERS FOR SEASON 4: See, at the end of the movie, Veronica and Logan finally entered into a long-term relationship. In season four, they've been dating for years, and Logan proposes marriage. But of course there has to be drama/obstacles: In this case, Veronica isn't sure she's ready to marry... or capable of being in a marriage. Ah, but of course she eventually realizes how much Logan means to her. The two are married, and, in the season finale... Logan is killed by a car bomb in the penultimate scene. The final scene is a flashfoward to a year later, where Veronica leaves Neptune alone.

For most fandoms, that'd be a memorable point of pain. A big ol' speed bump that ultimately throws some people off the bus, leaving only the die-hards. But the fact that fans had been invested in this relationship for literally 15 years and that Hulu (and creator Rob Thomas) had heavily marketed the new season as being a big romantic event for the ship... it was too much. Unlike the aftermath of the Star Wars sequels, there was no lingering group of die-hard fans who were open to whatever was next — at least no significant one. I did some Googling and could only find TWO people who still wanted another season.

Funnily enough? Critics LOVED this. Hell, Vanity Fair infamously penned an editorial about how Veronica Mars had "finally grown up" with this finale. I suppose all the other murders and deaths and drug overdoses and r*pe weren't "mature" enough before now for... some... reason. (The same editorial also featured the author openly hating on Veronica ever being in a relationship because it causes "arrested development" and declaring that the movie -- which was acclaimed by both critics AND fans alike, I remind you -- was a lame dud. So. The writer must be a reeeaaaal fun person.)

But a series doesn't live based on critical acclaim, as it turns out. The fandom was murdered overnight. "Marshmallows" stopped appearing in geek spaces online entirely. No one expressed interest in seeing the next season or the next movie. The constant flow of fan AMVs on YouTube and fanfics on AO3 dried up to nothing or damn nearly so.

Since 2019 ? Nothing. Chirping crickets. An intensely dedicated fandom of 12 years was just... vaporized.

I've never seen anything like it before OR since.

That's why it's so fucking fascinating.

So what went wrong?

Creator Rob Thomas was adamant about two things: ONE, the series was intended to be a noir show, which meant there couldn't be any happiness for its protagonist. And TWO, the death of Logan was necessary to evolve and grow the series.

Thomas thought that having Veronica in a relationship would be holding her back, and that a marriage would absolutely kill the series and leave her stagnant. It never even occurred to him that marriage isn't the end of a character's life and growth. It never occurred to him that plenty of drama can be had AFTER someone is married, or that development/growth could be that the characters mature enough to be capable of maintaining a committed relationship. Thomas' view of his own universe was so myopic that he couldn't conceive of any possible way that Veronica could still be a private detective involved in life-threatening investigations AND be married at the same time. Futhermore, he felt that fans just wanted Veronica to become a pregnant housewife, which is about as far from what Marshmallows were after as you can get without straight-up killing Veronica and/or Logan. He managed to do the only thing wronger than what he wrongly thought was their insistence.

On top of the above, Rob Thomas only viewed "noir" as a vehicle for total fatalism... despite the fact that many of the most famous noir stories are cynical and full of moral ambiguity, but they still feature a positive outcome. The Big Sleep still has the protagonist get the girl. The Set-Up arguably ends with the happiest possible ending in spite of the beating the hero receives.

Perhaps most importantly? Despite Thomas own insistence that Veronica Mars was always "noir," the majority of both TV critics and fans did not think that designation ever truly applied. I suspect that's the reason why Thomas decided to go as dark and fatalistic as possible: He wanted to be noir, and he was being told that he wasn't. So he went so far into noir that he killed his own most popular property.

He was adamant that it was the only way for the series to grow. But as it turns out, it was instead the only way for the series to permanently end. Without that season four finale, a passionate group of fans would still be begging for more. With it? It's over. Nobody fucking cares now.

That's kind of amazing.

#veronica mars #rob thomas #fandom #dead fandom #marshmallows #burnt marshmallows #fandom histories #the death of veronica mars #the day veronica mars died #gifs #television gifs #tv gifs #veronica mars gifs #vmars

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critter-rarepair-reccs · 3 months

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Hello all! Hope your Wednesday is going well. Today we have nine Pre-Relationship fics for you to enjoy! As always, you can find them below the cut and if you check any of them out, I encourage you to leave kudoes and comments to spread the rarepair love 🩷

gravity-bound by hanap (7,591 words, Teen) Pairing: Jester Lavorre/Essek Thelyss (Jessek) Warnings: None

Essek writes poetry under a pen name, Jester is a fan, she writes to him and they start to exchange letters over many years.

Reccer Says: I love epistolary fic, and also its so cute. There's a lot of background details of canon events we can fill in the background through the letters contents, which is very fun.

in the pieces of what's left or what we've found by SeaWitchDreams (14,620 words, Teen) Pairing: Astrid Beck/Eadwulf Grieve/Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast (Blumenshadow) Warnings: None

Post canon, Astrid decides what to do with Ikithon's tower, and her life.

Reccer Says: Its a nice long read, and the character beats are complex and nuanced, bc that's what Astrid deserves <3

That Lucidian Glow by fjorests_of_wildemount (455 words, General) Pairing: Kingsley Tealeaf/Essek Thelyss (Shadowking) Warnings: None

Essek needs to put on sunscreen, Kingsley volunteers.

Reccer Says: It's fun and cute moment <3

to be in someone else's coat by jaskofalltrades (1,369 words, General) Pairing: Mollymauk Tealeaf/Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast (Shadowidomauk) Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

After Essek's dinner with the Nein at the Xhorhaus, Molly and Caleb walk him home. Flirting, of course, ensues.

Reccer Says: It's so fun to see how Essek responds to Molly's relentless flirting, filtering through Caleb's observations on how new Essek is to friendship. And how he can tell that Essek wants that companionship so badly! It's very sweet.

though we're tethered to the story we must tell (when I saw you, well, I knew we'd tell it well). by exhaustedwerewolf (4,535 words, Teen) Pairing: Polymachina Warnings: Mentions of backstory typical violence and character death

On one wrist is your greatest love. On your other, your greatest adversary. And for a certain group of fated adventurers, one of these follows a pattern.

Reccer Says: I'm always a sucker for a good soulmate AU and I *love* ones of this flavor. The angst of not knowing which name is which is delicious and the way this fic plays with that for each member of VM is so good! Also love that the love-bonds don't Have to be romantic, I always appreciate that when it comes to soulmate AUs. And the way it all comes together in the end for VM is just... so good. Also the character voices in the narration? Spot on.

know no shame by hanap (4,453 words, Teen) Pairing: Adeen Tasithar/Essek Thelyss Warnings: None

What if Essek and Adeen had crushes on each other as teenagers and were adorable, messy disaster about it?

Reccer Says: It's so cute. Like oh-my-god so cute. They're adorable with each other and baby wizard Essek trying to join the Aurora Watch so he can spend more time with Adeen has my WHOLE heart. The messy teenage feelings! The circumstances keeping them apart! Deirta and Dad Thelyss's reactions to them!!! It's all so so good.

The Sunny Side by dracoqueen22 (1,767 words, General) Pairing: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett (Beaujes) Warnings: None

There’s nothing Beau won't do if it’ll make Jester smile, even if it means fixing something as minor as a sunburn.

Reccer Says: Cutteee <3 Beau is just so smitten. Plus Cad being his odd self in the first half <3

Today I Love You Even More by wtgw (5,687 words, Teen) Pairing: Yeza Brenatto/Veth Brenatto/Caleb Widogast Warnings: None

Yeza Brenatto is a creature of infinite anxiety, but he’s not blind. He can see how much Veth loves Caleb. He can see how much Caleb loves her back. And he can also see that Caleb is really attractive. But it’s not like he’s not going to do anything about that…

Reccer Says: Yeza Brenatto is just a perfect sweetheart always and there's this scene where the three of them are sitting around drunk complementing each other that is just too cute

Just Between Friends by biorusted (3,624 words, Explicit) Pairing: Ashton Greymoore/Orym/Dorian Storm (Dashrym) Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Aspec Dorian talks with Ashton and Orym about how sex has always felt to him and they share their feelings in return. Things escalate from there. Just as friends, of course.

Reccer Says: Aspec Dorian my beloved <3 always love the dynamics between these three, they fit together so well.

Thank you for joining us this week’s recc list! All the love to everyone who submitted a fic 🩷 All enclosed recommendations were submitted by the community via our submissions form, which you can find here. All fic information is as it was provided by the reccer, so it may not be accurate to the author’s intent or the precise contents of the fic itself. Please assume good intent from all parties 🩷

Submissions for next week’s list are already open! We’ll be featuring Canon Divergent fics. If you have any you’d like to highlight, you can send them in here. The week after that, the theme is Keyleth Rarepairs and the weeks after that we’re taking recommendations for Polyamorous Ships and Enemies to Lovers fic! Submissions for all of these themes are currently open.

If you want more rarepair fic, check out @cr-summer-wildflowers and their event collections on ao3! If you want some friendship after all this romance, take a look at @critter-genfic-events and their recc lists! And if you’re interested in everyone’s favorite wizards, you can’t go wrong with the lists at @aeor-is-for-reccing !

Thanks all and have a lovely day/night/timezone! 🩷

#critter rarepair recc lists #jessek #blumenshadow #shadowking #shadowidomauk #polymachina #adeen x essek #beaujes #yeza x veth x caleb #dashrym

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ravendruid · 1 year

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For the send me a sentence and I will write something VM thing. Vaxleth . "You know I'm in love with you forever and ever and always, right?" (Going for the gut punch with this. Some of their first and last words of their romance.)

Hi! I'm so, so sorry this took me so long. I started writing it and I quickly passed 1,000 words, so I decided to just keep going. Thank you so much for the prompt! Also available on AO3. This is an alternate ending to Campaign 1. Read with music (I had this song on repeat the entire time).

Forever, and ever and Always.

Spring is Keyleth’s favorite season. Vax knows it as well as he knows the sun rises on the east and sets on the west, and that is why it is no surprise to him when she announces that she would like their wedding to take place in the Spring. Keyleth has had the ring on her finger for less than twelve hours, and her mind is already running with plans, flowers and decorations, and who does what. It would honestly be exhausting if Vax didn’t take great joy in watching his girlfriend – no, his fiancée – ramble with a grin on her face.

“I think we should do it in Zephrah. I appreciate Percy’s idea of holding the wedding in Whitestone, but it would still be snowing, and it could be troublesome.” She rambles, fluttering about the kitchen of their small cottage. “Do you think we can fit all our friends here?” She looks around for a second and continues, not allowing Vax to answer, “No, of course not. Maybe I can ask my dad if Pike, Scanlan, and Grog can stay in my old bedroom. Oh, but then where would I stay? We can’t see each other before the wedding. It’s bad luck.” Keyleth looks at him, outraged as if he was the one to suggest such a ridiculous idea.

The ramblings only get worse as winter ends, and Vax finds himself surrounded by a myriad of white fabrics, which Keyleth says have distinct tones – they all look white to him – a large platter of different types of cakes and desserts, one of the walls of their cottage decorated with small strips of parchment in what Keyleth affirms to be the seating arrangement and a multitude of different flowers and bouquets that Keyleth druidcrafted herself on every available surface.

“What do you think, snowdrops or dandelions?” Keyleth asks Vax as he returns home from an exhausting day at the temple, holding two different bouquets. He toes off his boots and crosses the distance to kiss her passionately, dropping his bag on the couch. She gets the message and blushes, setting the dandelions aside, “You’re right. Snowdrops are prettier.”

The day finally comes, not long after Keyleth’s birthday. Vax wears the traditional Ashari garments that Korrin offered him months before, in rich tones of blue and green, with red and gold accents, and tries to make his hair presentable as Scanlan stands behind him with a smile on his face. Percy is with Keyleth, of course – Vax wouldn’t dare suggest otherwise – and Vex is getting ready in their small guest bedroom.

“Nervous?” Scanlan rises to pat Vax’s elbow, who nods in response. ��You can still run, I can polymorph you into a raven, and you can just… go.”

“Thanks for the offer, Scanlan.”

Syldor was invited, and to Vax’s surprise, he accepted. He and his family, Devana and Vax’s younger sister, Velora, are set to arrive before the ceremony through the teleportation circle that Gilmore and Allura were so kind to set up in the center of Zephrah. Syldor’s presence is clear to everyone: he was only invited out of courtesy and because Vax really wants Velora to be the ring bearer. Vax has no desire to have his father by his side at the altar, nor wishes for his presence any more than what he has to endure. No, that role falls to the gnome clad in purple behind Vax.

—

Keyleth paces in her childhood bedroom in her undergarments. Pike finished her hair not long ago and ran out to grab something Keyleth doesn’t remember, and Percy is waiting in the living room, where she left him with her father, both dressed up for the ceremony. She would kill for some wine or ale. The anxiety that settled inside Keyleth when she woke up only worsened as the sun reached its apex in the sky. She has always hated giving speeches, often feeling like the sounds coming out of her mouth are nothing more than gibberish, so she holds a piece of parchment tightly against her chest as she mumbles the words repeatedly.

“Keyleth,” Pike is back, handing Keyleth a glass of water, which she gladly takes. “You’ll do great.”

“What if I choke, Pike? What if I can’t speak loud enough or blunder my words?”

“Keyleth,” The gnome woman holds Keyleth’s hands in hers, and Keyleth feels a warmth spread through her as if being blessed by Serenrae herself. “It doesn’t matter if others don’t hear your words. The only person that matters is Vax. Today is all about you and him and your love for each other. Nothing and no one else matters.”

Keyleth is so very glad for her friends, for her found family. She would not be where she is without them and their support. Pike was tireless throughout the entire wedding planning, often lending her ear and opinion when Keyleth couldn’t go to Vax. Both Pike and Vex had gone with Keyleth to shop for dresses and held her hand and hugged her when she found the one. Above all, both women had been there every moment that Keyleth didn’t believe she could go forward without her mom. Keyleth might not have a mother to hold her hand on her wedding day, but she has two sisters who love her just as much.

—

Thanks to the magic of the Ashari, the howling wind surrounding the Summit Peaks does not have a significant effect on Zephrah. However, and it wouldn’t be an air elemental druid tribe otherwise, there is a slight breeze in the air, carrying the sweet smell of cherry blossoms and the hints of summer. Friends and family – and frankly, the entire town – gather under the enormous cherry tree where Keyleth was given her mantle as part of completing her Aramenté a few years back, and Vax smiles at the familiar faces sitting in front of him, twisting his head to smile at Scanlan and Vex by his side as he stands in front of an arch of leaves and vines, highlighted with snowdrops and daisies, which was crafted by the elders of the council as a wedding gift to the Voice of the Tempest and her partner.

As Kaylie readies herself by holding her flute against her lips, Vax notices the look of pride on Scanlan’s face as he admires his little girl. She plays a soft tune, signaling the beginning of the ceremony, and one by one, the crowd turns in their seats, looking at the goliath carrying a woven basket with flowers. There are a few snickers among those who don’t know Grog, but only one menacing look from him is enough to silence everyone. The goliath’s face opens in a grin as he walks down the aisle, adding white petals to the natural blanket of pink cherry blossoms that crunch loudly underneath his feet.

Not far behind Grog are Pike and Velora, the first holding a small bouquet and the second an intricate wooden box with two golden bands. Pike, who is just about as tall as Velora, takes the girl’s hand reassuringly as they pass by everyone, and when they reach the end, Pike takes her place to the side, and Vax bends down to hug his little sister.

“You did an amazing job,” He whispers before the small elven girl joins Vex by his side.

It is finally Percy’s turn to walk down the aisle, and he does so with all the pomp and circumstance of a member of a royal family. Vax sneers and shakes his head in amusement as his friend grins and reaches to hug him.

“Be good to her. I know where you sleep,” Percy threatens with a smile before taking Pike’s side.

There is an eerie silence in the air, and Vax’s stomach flinches. It’s time. He turns his back to the crowd, feeling the muscles of his legs tremble in anticipation. Keyleth had asked him to wait until she was ready, so they had worked on a cue, and Vax knew exactly when to turn around. Not yet. He tells himself as loud gasps sound behind him. Not yet. He repeats it in his mind at Vex’s low oooh next to him. Don’t turn. He thinks, closing his eyes. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Vax hears the crunch of petals and the shuffle of movement behind him as someone approaches, and then there is silence again for a moment, leaving him hanging in expectation. A soft piano echoes around them as if the gods themselves are playing the melody, and Vex pats her brother’s elbow with a sniffle. So Vax turns around slowly, holding a breath.

Keyleth stands at the end of the aisle. Everyone is already turned in their seats to look at her, crying and gasping at how beautiful she looks. She wears a long white dress, the bodice covered in different kinds of white flowers – real flowers, from what Vax can see – including snowdrops, roses, and daisies that cascade down the tule, spreading around the skirt and the hem of the dress. The sunlight reflects in Keyleth’s fiery hair, pulled back in an intricate Ashari braid decorated with tiny white flowers, her circlet resting atop her head, also decorated with flowers and vines.

Vax’s mouth opens as Keyleth takes a step forward, one hand secured around Korrin’s arm while the other holds a bouquet of snowdrops, daisies, and greenery, like the arch behind him. Keyleth’s feet barely touch the ground – or so it seems – and there is an aura around her as if the sun is reflecting on her skin. She smiles at him with much more love and tenderness than Vax has ever seen anyone direct him, and, at that moment, he feels like he’s the luckiest man in the world.

When Keyleth reaches the altar, Vax finally lets out the breath he had been holding as Korrin kisses his daughter’s forehead, whispering words of love and encouragement before he takes his place in front of the arch.

“You look–” Vax tries to say, but the words falter as Keyleth’s bright green eyes fix him, and he says a silent prayer to the gods, thanking them for allowing him to be here with her. Keyleth’s hand finds his, squeezing reassuringly as she, too, cannot find her words. She doesn’t need to. They both know how much this moment means. The words are left unspoken but not unfelt.

“Dear friends and family,” Korrin speaks as the couple faces each other, their hands still holding tight between them. His voice is powerful and steadfast, and Vax sees the love and pride in his eyes, the twinkling of a tear in the corner, threatening to fall as he initiates the ceremony. “We gather here today to celebrate the eternal union of Keyleth and Vax’ildan as they bind themselves together by the traditional handfasting ribbons of the Ashari and speak their vows.”

Vax hears Vex sniffle behind him as Korrin continues the ceremony, and the corners of his mouth creep up in a teasing smile, even though she can’t see it. He did not have the opportunity to walk her down the aisle since she had decided to elope without so much of a warning, and he was still hurt by it. But she is happy, and so is the man that stands behind Keyleth, wiping a tear from his cheek with an apologetic look. Yet, Vax can’t stop thinking about that moment in his sister’s life and how it hurt to miss it. He wonders if she, too, felt the same way he feels as he glances at the two empty chairs in the first row where Elaina and Vilya should be.

Vax looks back at the beautiful woman in front of him, who smiles softly as if she read his mind. Vax remembers a conversation they had months before, how he and Keyleth had sat down under this same tree and confessed to the other how much it hurt not having their mothers present at their wedding. They promised each other back then that, although there were physically absent, their presence would still be felt, and Keyleth started tracing plans to decorate their chairs. Snowdrops for Elaina, Daisies for Vilya.

“Keyleth, Vax’ildan, please take your hands and join them together,” Korrin gestures and Keyleth raises their still intertwined hands. There is a communal chuckle, as no one seemed to have noticed they had been holding hands the entire time.

“You have been through many adventures. You have fought many battles together, but your greatest adventure is still to come. Keyleth, Vax’ildan, do you vow to join each other in this marriage?” Korrin asks as Vex hands him a small white box.

“I do,” They reply in unison.

“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves,” Korrin takes an intricate woven ribbon from the box in tones of blue, red, and green. On one end of the ribbon is a charm with four triangles intertwined – which Vax recognizes as the symbol of the Ashari – and on the other is a charm of a mask surrounded by feathers and a raven skull – which Vax obviously recognizes as the symbol of his Matron. “A ribbon of three strands is not quickly broken.” Korrin finishes, carefully placing the ribbon on their hands.

Vax’s heart jumps in his throat as Korrin explains the symbolism of the colors: green for the earth that binds them from the paths they have walked together; red for the fire that burns in their hearts and for the courage of overcoming their fears for the other; and blue as a representation of the challenge they faced in Vesrah together.

“Your charms are a representation of who you are and where you come from,” Korrin continues, wrapping the ribbon around their intertwined hands and wrists. “The interlocked triangles of the Ashari symbolize your roots, as you are now part of our family,” Korrin smiles at Vax, who holds back a tear, “and the symbol of the Matron of Ravens the eternity of your love, for not even death can tear you apart.”

Vax’s gaze moves from their hands to Keyleth’s face, whose amused expression at her father’s words mirrors his. They have both died, Vax more than her, but their love brought them back stronger than before.

A raven feather falls just as Korrin starts to tie the knot, and he smiles, making sure it stays in place. Vax bows his head in gratitude to her for allowing him to stay, and a raven above their heads caws loudly, announcing its presence with the flap of his wings as it flies away from a tall branch of the cherry tree.

“Keyleth, your vows.”

“Oh gods, okay.” Keyleth gulps down the panic in her chest and takes a deep breath as Vax squeezes her hand and gives her a reassuring nod. “As we all know, I’m not very good with words, and I’m not very observant either. It took me a long time to figure out my feelings and even longer to overcome my fears, but your love was, and always will be, the wind underneath my wings, the earth that grounds me, the fire that warms my heart, and the water that washes away all my worries and anxieties. With you by my side, I know I will be better, stronger, and more confident. You inspire me every day, even though you can be reckless sometimes. You love so wholeheartedly and effortlessly, yet there is always room in your heart for more love and kindness. I am lucky to have you and to call you mine, and I want you to know that I will be by your side every day of your life. Besides, you know I’m in love with you, forever and ever and always, right?”

Both Keyleth and Vax’s eyes are filled with tears, and soft sobs and sniffles are coming from everywhere around them as their friends and family wipe away their tears. Vax’s throat constricts with how beautiful Keyleth looks, with how much he wants to kiss her. He does lean in, but Korrin stops him before he crosses the distance with a soft hand on his chest, pushing him back.

“Not yet,” They all chuckle wetly, tears falling faster. “Vax’ildan, your vows now.” Korrin pats Vax’s shoulder, who nods and takes a deep breath.

“I never thought I would be here today. I could say I wasn’t supposed to be here today, but we all know that’s bullshit.” Vax’s chuckle is followed by Velora’s gasp and a soft laugh from his friends. “I was ready to die, and I did die several times, yet here I am in front of one of the most amazing and powerful women I’ve ever met. I’ve always been a lucky bastard, but meeting you was no luck. It was destiny. You taught me how to be better, to accept love from others and let them take care of me, and I would not be standing here today if it wasn’t for your love and dedication. Keyleth, I believe in you as fiercely as you believe in me, and don’t you ever forget that. I’m so very proud of you, and I’m so very grateful to have the chance to spend every day of the rest of my life by your side. You know I’m in love with you too, forever and ever and always, right?”

The tears flow freely now, not just on Vax and Keyleth’s faces but also on their friends’ faces. Somewhere in the first row, Shaun Gilmore holds a delicate purple handkerchief and dapples the droplets from his eyes. Next to him, an equally elegant Allura takes Kima’s hand, who isn’t as subtle in her sobs. The loudest is, undoubtedly, Grog, in whose hands is a handkerchief the size of a pillowcase. Regardless of whether they are close friends or less-known habitants of Zephrah, there is a wave of tears from everyone in the audience, for they have all, in some way or another, had the opportunity to witness the love and dedication that Vax and Keyleth have for the other.

“Keyleth,” Korrin’s voice is different, as if he, too, is trying to hold back tears. “Do you take Vax’ildan to be your husband, to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him in sickness and health, in sorrow and joy, from this day forward, until your drying breath?”

“I do.”

“Vax’ildan, do you take Keyleth to be your wife, to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and health, in sorrow and joy, from this day forward, until your dying breath?”

“I do.”

Korrin hands Keyleth the end of the ribbon with the Raven Queen charm while Vax takes the end with the Ashari symbol, and he signals for them to pull the knot tightly, securing the raven feather within it.

“May your marriage ribbons draw your hands together in love, never to be used in anger. May the pledges you make never grow bitter in your hearts. You two are entwined in love, bound by all which brings strength to this union.” Korrin finishes with a soft smile. He nods gently at Velora, whose face opens in a grin, and walks closer to the older man. He gently aids Vax and Keyleth in removing the knot without untying it and places it back in the white box, handing it to Percy.

“Keyleth and Vax’ildan have also opted to exchange rings, a symbol of unity and completeness. Let them be a reminder of your love and the vows you have taken here today.” Korrin bends down to take the rings from the little girl, who promptly runs back to her sister, preening for a job well done. He hands Vax the soft golden band that the couple picked, something simple and symbolic, and asks him to repeat his words after him.

“Keyleth, with this ring, I take you as my wife. I promise I will love you forever, and ever and always.” Vax slides the ring on Keyleth’s finger with ease, smiling brightly.

“Vax’ildan, with this ring, I take you as my husband. I promise I will love you forever, and ever and always.” Keyleth says back, her smile as bright as his.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife.” The couple looks expectantly at Korrin, who sighs and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Go on, kiss her.”

Vax chuckles and leans in, placing one hand between Keyleth’s shoulder blades and the other on her lower back, and, without a warning, he dips her back and kisses her longingly as cheers and claps erupt around them.

This is a great feeling. Vax feels like his entire life finally has a purpose. He knows his job is not over yet, and will never be, but for some reason, the Raven Queen has allowed him to stay and be happy with the ones he loves. He can’t contain his joy as he faces the crowd, now standing in an ovation. He can’t help but mirror the smile on their faces, the tears of happiness that fall down his cheeks. Vax can’t contain a look of surprise as he sees his father stand proudly, clapping his hands with tears in his eyes, or at the nod he gives him, and how he mouths, that’s my son. There is still a long path to traverse between them, but this is the first step.

Keyleth pulls him into another breathless kiss, and as they break apart, she leans her forehead to his. Vax knows from how she looks at him that more than luck, she is his destiny, and their love is stronger than the gods themselves.

Dress Inspiration

#critical role #cr fic #vox machina #vaxleth #prompted #alternate ending #vaxleth au #many tears have been shed #this is probably one of my favorite things I have ever written #My dear Vaxleth shippers: this one is for you all <3

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rightpastnowhere · 1 year

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MORE. FOR U

Ok ok ok we all collectively will not shut up about how Percy is endeared by Vex's ears, right? well UNO REVERSE CARD! His lil round human ears are so fucking cute to Vex. It's also very funny for her to parse out how sensitive they are vs half-elven or elven ears.

In modern AUs their taste in music seems very different at a glance but meshes SUPER well. Percy is rocking to MCR and anime intros and Fallout Boy and old rock'n'roll (that his dad and Julius loved), Vex is grinding to pop and country, and everyone is like 'surely not' until they pull up to give Pike a ride and are just blasting a Taylor Swift song together (she joins in obviously). Or on a train sharing earbuds and the poor folks the next seats over can hear Monster by Skillet from there and these two are mouthing along and sharing Dramatic Looks.

Trinket keeps bringing cubs home. He's a male bear, bears don't raise cubs in pairs (males don't participate at ALL), but he's a Ranger companion and lives as long as Vex does. And given he's a fit specimen he's probably the sire of a lot of cubs in the area (Vex and the Grey Hunt have got to watch out for inbreeding effects KJTRNHRKN). So every now and then he'll find a hurt or abandoned or sick cub and bring it back, and Vex nurses it back to health (and Dan too), and suddenly they Have Another Bear. Oh Dear. Sometimes Vex and Trinket make a conscious effort to train the cubs to live in the wild and release them a ways away once they're old enough, but the three bears we see in C3 is Only The Beginning.

The first time Percy tried really growing a beard, Vesper made Unhappy Faces when he'd give her kisses and in a fit he shaved it all off. He needed some talking-tos about it. His baby girl was SO upset and it make HIM upset OKAY -

It's advised that guests do not wander the halls of Castle Whitestone alone at night. They assume, naturally, that this is due to Ghosts or Restless Spirits - no the de Rolos are just. like that. Cass would rather everyone avoid the trauma of hearing them having a good time. Also the kids' darkvision means they have shining pupils if light hits them in the dark and someone fell down the stairs once so there's that too.

Percy fucking agonizes over blue now. Getting a gift to match Vex's feather takes up at least 3-12 hours of a given project. At this point he has custom paints mixed for it and will scour stalls and shops for gems of the right turquoise.

He also owns way more fur than he'd expect, because Vex is a ranger and can at least make a decent muffler or trim for mittens or ruff for his winter coat out of some of her more impressive catches. His favorite, though, is a tiny fur thing that's badly worn. Vex insists it's a bird. *it does not look like a bird,* it looks like a pointed rock with two bead eyes. It was the first thing she tried making him and it, well, it didn't come out as she'd expected. He still stims with it often, it practically lives in his pocket - like she was in Pandemonium, when VM were transformed into birds. She says she hates it, but his earnest adoration for this little silly thing she made really makes Vex so damn happy.

OH MY GOD SHE WOULD LOVE HIS EARS,,, HIS LIL ROUNDED EARS,,, SO SOFT N ROUND,,,,,,,, OMG

YOUR MUSIC TASTES FOR THEM ARE SO IN LINE WITH WHAT'S IN MY HEAD NGKJRNGK. vex imo has the most chaotic playlists because there's just one for all of her music. it switches from lizzo to mumford & sons without rhyme nor reason. and they WOULD be taylor swift stans with pike i LOVE THIS. AND GOD,, THE MENTAL IMAGE OF HER AND PERCY DRAMATICALLY LIP-SYNCING LIKE HUGE NERDS..... MY CROPS ARE WATERED. MY SKIN IS CLEAR

THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING NGKJRNKJGNR i simply think vex deserves an entire legion of bears who love her, and many of them on the castle grounds. only the best for the grand mistress of bears. (trinket mimicking vex's adopting behavior is SO CUTE I'M GONNA CRY)

percy upsets his baby One Time and suddenly he must change everything about himself. i love him so much i cannot stand it

NKGJNKJENG the de rolos fuck nasty and it is a burden upon those who think themselves to be fearless... my heart goes out to the unlucky few who dare. ALSO THE FUCKING. QUARTER ELVES. JUST LIKE A BUNCH OF CATS IN THE KITCHEN AT 2AM WHEN YOU WANT A SNACK. IS PERFECTION.

GERKGNERJN percy will do anything to maintain his wife's aesthetic

VEX CRAFTING HIM THINGS...... PERCY KEEPING HER FIRST LIL BAUBLE BECAUSE HE LOVES HER................ STIMMING WITH IT CAUSE IT'S SOFT................................ picturing vex finding out and endeavoring to acquire so many soft things, making him a bunch more knick-knacks once she's better at it, wearing soft clothes, just, oh my GOD she loves him SO MUCH

thank you again for this absolute unfathomable joy, i squeaked out loud at least 3 times, i am full of serotonin once more

#THE SCREAM I SCRUMPT AS BURR WOULD SAY #oh my god you make me want to write so many little things for them #i'm crying. i LOVE THEM VERY MUCH #vex’ahlia #percival de rolo #perc’ahlia #fave #critical role #vox machina #blorbologist

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romeoandjulietyouwish · 6 months

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Hope you enjoy your night off. Here's a fun list of AUs I wanna write, but the trouble is I have to write them.

-Keyleth is Ashton's mama. And ofc Vax is their dad

-Vox Machina owns an inn in Zephrah because inns are classic cozy holiday story telling.

A Candela VM AU Scanlan would definitely be the elderly character.

Make of these ideas what you will, just thought I'd share them.

ooo these are come interesting ideas!

I'll admit, I haven't watch Candela and I don't know much about Bell's Hells, but I absolutely love any cozy holiday story and VM owning a b&b would be so perfect. Just imagining them decorating it for Winter's Crest and constantly having a fire lit in the fireplace.

god I want it to be christmas sooooo bad

But I totally feel you because I have so many aus on my to write list that I doubt will ever see the light of day but I adore them so much that I'm just constantly rotating them in my head <3

#lis talks to kind people #critical role #vox machina

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tutuandscoot · 8 months

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Part three of the interwiew moment feels thing. Is Scott dissing current ice skating saying they grew up in an era where they had to take risks? Also i find the fact that they sometimes choose what to do based on what would be more unexpected hilarious. And Scott mentioning Suzanne by name saying she sort of lay the groundwork for that, like yea give that woman all the credit she deserves. Oh and them talking a lot whenever they do meet up now thats really endearing, sort of derailing the interwiew. Their parents waking up at 4 in the morning every day for years oh they really must have loved seeing their kids doing what they loved, it seems like a small thing but really its huge, how much they did for their kids. And the train analogy is nice and Scott saying he really likes it too when tessa is wondering if shes taking it too far. They really support each other so much. And them ending the interwiew saying they wouldnt be where they are without all the people supporting them. Its a really nice way to end the interwiew not focusing on themself but on others. And yea thats the interwiew. I hope this wasnt too rambling for you. If I manage to form more coherent thoughts about parts of this, il send you another ask. But yea the interwiew had a really nice vibe to it, being serious but not at the same time.

No this was a more coherent summary than I could’ve done!

This bit about their parents sacrificing so much for them:

So heads up I’m not a parent and I’m an only child so i might be speaking out of my arse here and of course every family situation is different

Disclosures out of the way;

When I was growing up dancing and being super into it and quite talented- starting to look for more opportunities out side of just my crappy dance school, my mum would basically drop everything for me. She wasn’t a single parent but she basically was bc my dad did nothing for me in this respect, she had one part time job that didn’t pay much and every single cent went to me and my dancing. I didn’t have the early wake ups like vm did thankfully but I had to travel really far away to get better training. She would pick my up from school after work 3 days a week and we would drive 2 hours away for 4 hours of dance, finish at 9 and drive home for 2 hours while I sleep in the car and the next day I would have to be at school at 6 am for school dance, then there was the exorbitant fees for training, pointe shoes, uniforms, physio, competitions, travel- my first international competition I got to the finals and she didn’t have enough money left to get a ticket to watch me, so she waited in the dressing rooms listening over the sound system.

She did so much for me and when I stopped dancing due to my back problems she layed an enormous amount of guilt on herself thinking it was her fault/ she shouldn’t have let me pursue this when my back condition developed bc it ended in so much pain and heart break. That was really hard for us and we fell out of our very close relationship over that grief, but we’re now getting back on better terms.

(I’m sorry this is a little life story)

On the contrary:

My best friend growing up who I danced with, she was one of 3 kids and her family was far more well off than me, she did dance and gymnastics- I’m pretty sure at one point she was national level at gymnastics. Anyway, one day her mum said to my mum “I could never do what you do for your daughter (me)”.

Now she had 3 young kids, worked full time, understandable it would be hard to take her daughter all around the place.

But VM’s parents did it.

They both have multiple siblings, yes some of T’s were much older when she was a child starting skating, but Scott’s were closer in age. T’s parents worked full time- her grandma helped out a lot. Skating is RIDICULOUSLY expensive and very hard to get funding for- a lot of adult skaters work other jobs to support themselves. They did it- they did all that for their kids- their youngest kids at that which a) in a way the others were older and could take care of themselves more but b) raising kids is expensive and again I’m not a parent but I imagine by kid 3 or 4 this gets exhausting- so now having the last kids to be born in each family be the ones doing the most and having the most insane- as VM said, depraved lifestyle full of strictness most kids don’t ever insure- their parents still did that for them.

This is not a comment on good and bad parenting- as I said people have different situations- but there are some that really do go above and beyond and don’t let anything/ don’t make excuses for themselves as parents for not giving their children everything to succeed- VM’s parents are incredible they deserve so much credit for what wonderful children they raised- NO MEDIA TRAINING- they were just raised so well to be kind and empathetic and appreciate every opportunity to afforded them.

Parents of the freaking century!!

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stardustedknuckles · 1 year

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My dad is taking a break from critical role at least partially because Matt called homeschoolers dumb. My dad has never been homeschooled. I was. By my mother, who is divorced from him. He got so fucking mad at Matt and I am fully over here just like "???"

#He's also missing Scanlan #And also also he just listened to a lot all at once #It's not like he rage quit so much as like #He already needed a break and that got him to do it #But what lmao #'he said it so casually that he must've thought it was just normal to say!'#Well it's true I haven't heard it synonymous with dumb so much as sheltered but lol #Dad watches VM

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breadcheekstete · 1 year

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tæhyung thinks he will be a potential tiger hybrid giving his energetic and curious spirit. just to find a bittersweet surprise at the sight of his newfound fluffy ears.

[ !hybrids // fat tæhyung // side vm¡n ]

his awaited 20th birthday approaches, and as the first born in his family, it's easy to say that his parents and relatives are excited to see the changes in the young male.

th watches his friends reach their final stages and turn into various types of mammals and prays. their bodies changing accordingly to their genetics along their newfound animal features.

he's just a couple of months away from the special day and the changes should start to show on his body. or that's what he expected when his childhood best friend jm became a mischievous and lithe calico cat hybrid. the difference is that he already knew he was a cat, just that his spots manifested a week before his birthday.

and for th… he barely developed a tail and his ears lack color or even signs of future patterns.

anxiety takes the best of him so he relies on stress eating, and it makes wonders to distract his mind from everything and his family's expectations. it even improves his sleep by the end of the week, as he always gets too exhausted after stuffing everything he can find, leaving him in a food coma every time. only waking up to eat and repeat.

but when the weight piles up, his family starts to… talk. and that only makes him eat more, and more past his limits even in jm's house, where he's always welcomed warmly.

he's devouring and licking clean a big serving of chicken, nestled with jm on the older's couch as they watch tv. th catches on his best friend's purring, kneading th's engorged gut through the thick blanket. "you must be a big breed," he says. but not in a derogatory way like his family, but in a fond way. "maybe you turn it into muscle when the day comes."

"i -uUrp, 'scuse me, i guess." he's a bit embarrassed of his deteriorating manners, but he can't help it when jm meticulously massages him anytime he's packed full of food. "you must be the only one that– *hic*-uUURp likes it, though…"

jm's ears perk up curiously and somewhat concerned at his tone. "like what?"

th is too awkward to talk about it, so when jm eyes got rounder and his purring stopped he didn't think twice before gesturing at his belly with an energetic shake. it messes his stomach for all the food he packed and a quiet burp slips out his lips.

he ducks his head, hiding the best he can under the blanket. shit. he's about to apologize (or just leave the country and rename himself as vincent) until he hears it.

jm is purring, loud, with his flushed cheeks and his labored breathing. he's purring at the fact that th changed into this. whatever it is. "y-you really like me like this?" the calico hybrid nods, squirming on the spot with the need to touch and knead again.

and th wants him to.

so th puts the blanket aside, revealing his bloated frame barely contained in his unbuttoned jeans and outgrown sweater, and jm is fast to snuggle him and massage his gut like it's his job. more burps make their way out but jm doesn't seem to care. he's too caught in the younger's appearance to care about anything else to be honest. "whatever you become, you'll always be my big, lovely teddy bear."

th hugs jm by his waist and hums on his hair. a bear… it would be so befitting to his body now, it would be… wait a minute.

that's when th realizes, he is becoming a bear. is common to have various breeds of hybrids in a family even when there's a dominant type that remains for generations. but there was another hybrid besides various kinds of tigers; his great grandma from his dad's side was, indeed, a grizzly bear.

it confirms his suspicions when his ears become fully brown and rounded, now connecting the dots why he packed all the kilos so neatly all over his body, not leaving any inch of skin without a layer of flab.

he's double the size he was before his transition started just two months ago. his belly ballooned taking most of his downward vision and weight along his saggy pair of moobs. his face lacks definition with his developing double chin and his limbs are not too far from his rocketing gain, as he now waddles while walking and his arms barely go around his belly when full.

it also explains his lethargic behavior now that winter is around the corner and hibernation season is about to start.

and he eats a lot more, that's for sure, but he gets bloated frequently and with it the gas is definitely guaranteed whether he likes it or not. he pats his gut proudly and burps at his fist while caressing his underbelly. he should be embarrassed of his gas but... too tired to care, too good not to repeat.

his family finally accommodates to his needs, pampering him with foods and snacks every time he pleases, and loading his room with pillows and blankets for that purpose. he fears he will be hibernating through his birthday, and he kind of did.

but it was celebrated nothenless, with the traditional seaweed soup and a big chocolate cake all for himself. at some point, he's halfway on his cake and he can't keep up because his eyes keep closing. so jm, all cute and attentive since day one, feeds him the rest while th rests his tired arms on top of his belly. he even blows on th's hot chocolate so he doesn't burn his tongue and helps him to bed so he can rest from all the emotions and his (now usual) stuffing.

jm stays cuddled up in th's arms as the big bear hybrid sleeps soundly at the older's purring and his digesting belly.

he loses some of the extra weight when winter ends, not quite reaching his initial weight but he's seemingly more active and regained enough mobility to live normally with his new chubby frame. he's a little taken aback with that many changes in so little time, as he's not used to be consciously fat with no return, but he has jm to remind him how beautiful he is regardless of body type and make the best biscuits on his tummy.

// the end //

#bts feederism #chub kink #breadcheekstetefic #burp kink #hybrids !!!#this idea was supposed to be my first tumblr post #happy valentine's day 🖤

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captainsspnanon · 1 year

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C3E58 - reaction

I am very entertained that they are fighting a creature with many mouths who causes psychic damage from the sounds, considering I'm in the gibbering mouther section of my C2 rewatch and about to get to the laughing hand, so it's all just fucked up mouths for me XD

LOL the fact that FCG has started consistently fucking with who doesn't get bonded and it's an issue each time. I love it! Though I'm worried about their stress points, I'm also kinda looking forwards to a little blow up.

I saw a few spoilers about the episode before I watched so I WASN'T terrified when Fearne went down and got swallowed, but holy fuck if I hadn't known she lived for a threesome, that would have been so stressful!

I'm so glad we got to see at least a tiny glimpse of the wolf-king! I want Matt to post a picture of it on twitter please! Please please just for me!

Huzzah for bag of holding! Great with the notes and harness and rod for plot development, good for funds for refilling some pockets, especially because ...well, I don't even know what the funds status is of this group. VM was rich AF, M9 was poor AF, I have no clue where BH falls. Especially because a lot of it is based on RP (I think M9 probably had as much as BH, but rped as much poorer - nope I lied, counting today's haul, BH has like double the amount that M9 had by the same episode)

Wish we could have gotten more from the FRIDA moment, interesting that Matt has Christian be much more active in the rolls and directions, whereas with Ashton and Fearne's dad (not Birdie, I can't remember his name) they were much more passive while Imogen and FCG/Laura and Sam really took the lead. Confirmation of Aeor though! Sounds like they got smited by the gods though I don't think we had any idea previously that some Aeorians were against using the malleus factorum. Not surprising once I think about it for like, two seconds, but never considered it before.

THREESOME!!!!! Oh I SO hope that Fearne holds to her early game comment and does 'work her way through all of them'. PLS PLS PLS. Anyhow, a touching and mostly hilarious moment, I loved every second of it. I'm also pleased that the first kiss and first sex scenes were from PCs that it seemed like the fans went out of their way to desexualize, I love it.

All the gifts! Hoodies were adorable, and then two wooden gifts from Chet! With how frequently the table gave each other game related gifts out of game previously, I do enjoy how much it's a lot of in-game gifts now.

Oh fuck those scenes with the Changebringer and Dawnfather were INTENSE. HOLY SHIT. I am very hyped, for the gods to just force visions and make demands (at varying levels of demandingness)!!! I wonder how many non-PCs are also receiving these visions? Did Caduceus get one? Fjord? Pike and Vex and Scanlan? Random other clerics and paladins of the world?

Seriously, I am so hype. C3 took me a bit to settle it, but it is a very easy second place for me out of the three campaigns! Still won't beat C2 for me, but I'm pretty sure that's because 1) it was my first campaign and 2) it's when I really hit hyperfocus on CR and could watch two and a half to three episodes a day. ...yeah, I binged HARD on C2. Started late January 21 and finished in time to watch the finale live.

I'm also intrigued to see how all this is going to go. They physically CAN'T have Aabria and Christian playing once everyone is back together, there's just no room at the table. What is going to be the thing that splits them up? I wonder if it'll end up coming down to an NPC having to be 'group regulars go to this location, group guests go to this location' to have a natural and realistic separation.

#cr spoilers #critical role #bells hells

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saucylittlesmile · 1 year

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Please post your reflections on the podcast! Love to hear your thoughts always

Finally finished listening late last night so this is train of thought but also just whatever I remember lol.

as always the host spoke a little too much for me, to the point where sometimes I thought T would have spoken or said more, but was too polite to interrupt and then they moved on. On the other hand, perhaps the more conversational interview is what lets T open up more, who knows lol.

I’ve always defended Tessa’s social media presence and am glad she didn’t try to pawn off her choices on her partners; if she has chosen to do something for a cause I don’t necessarily think she needs to post about it online but it’s a weird grey area that she occupies in which she is a minor celebrity and there tends to be expectations on her to post about important topics (even though she will then be accused of being performative). Shantelle’s defence however was awful.

Tessa talking about how she doesn’t relate food with how she feels/her ability to compete or perform - she used to push past incredible pain to compete so I guess that she just won’t give herself any excuses. Guess it’s good she had dieticians telling her what to eat lol.

I think time is messed up for T too since as far as I know, her dad remarried a number of years ago, but then time has no meaning for a while and I suppose it’s recent relative to how long her parents were married

the revelation of how she found out is just terrible; you’d think he could have at least let her know in an informational way if not a personal one

’stubborn about things that matter’ vs stubborn in general… just an interesting distinction

because I saw the trending articles before hearing the rest of the podcast and due to one of those articles, I kept wondering when she would reveal they met in Vancouver (spoiler alert: didn’t happen lol)

the kissing question was either a very strange segue or a (personally) awkward question; didn’t like it either way lol; I don’t know what Tessa’s plan was to acknowledge the engagement; she seemed to be going for low-key and Shantelle was the one grabbing her hand; I did find that the car honking interrupting was amusing just from a timing perspective, and then Tessa’s very short answer about how they met which was a clear lockdown on any further questions.

Tessa (and Scott) may say they love 2014’s Olympics and I believe them. They may say that they are as proud of their silver medals as their gold and I believe them. But when they say the judging was fair and DW had a better skate, I do not believe them lol. ;)

I must admit I was wondering what coach Scott was seeing for him to bring up surviving the fs environment due to Kate’s conversations with them (me thinking back to Kate and Alma agreeing that at least one of them would always attend a comp when VM were starting on that competitive circuit… they were clearly aware of some of the dangerous pitfalls of that world and trying to keep VM as safe as possible)

I appreciated both the honesty - no not going to skate again, better to gave gone out on top and not willing to put in the energy to train into shape for even shows - and yet I loved the pause as she thought through the what if Scott did call with an interesting offer lol

eta: oh I forgot my favourite thing lol! loved hearing her talk about the joy she felt skating in the comeback - made me remember how I felt watching them skate and how different it all seemed from earlier - and wanting that loving relationship with MF-P ❤️

#overall an interesting podcast #ask

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sunskate · 6 months

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Layla and Alex skated well- the Ilderton teams have such nice knees and look pretty in hold. these two match really well and are looking like they have more power than last season - their MiSt is a pleasure to watch, she's performing bigger, and he's come out of his shell so much. they're in 2nd after the RD. they were 1st in PCS. Nguyen/Giang earned level 3 and 4 in the rocker foxtrot, and Layla/Alex had 2 and Base level, and that's the difference in their scores. they've been having some difficulty with the 2nd half of the pattern most of the season

Dana Sabatini-Speciale and Mitch Islam's dad, David Islam making A's with their hands for the camera in the kiss and cry for Alex Paul 😭

in seniors, Bashynska/Beaumont are comfortably in 1st, with Fabbri/Ayer in 2nd. it's good to have Haley and Nik back - they look so happy to be skating together. it feels more emotional for them, they looked cleaner and more assured today than at sectionals a few weeks ago. they're one of the few teams starting with slower music in the RD and showing their connection. not sure what Power of Love and Working for the Weekend have to do with each other, though😅

Emmy/Jacob, Gauthier/Thieren and Lily/Nathan are pretty close to each other in scores - L/N had a little twizzle issue, and half the panel gave them negative GOE on their PSt but the rest of the panel gave them +1 and 2, so 🤷🏻‍♀️

they seemed a little off at sectionals at the start of the month in their RD. today was better, but it still feels like something's not quite gelling. their skating has such beautiful quality, so it's not that. i think it's some spark missing in the performance - even VM talked about needing to refresh their connection sometimes. hopefully it's just a blip in a long partnership, and they'll bring it tomorrow and peak at Nats. looking forward to their FD - juniors at 1:55 pm ET, seniors at 4:55 pm ET

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healingheneree · 1 year

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03/30/2023

Dear journal,

I know i have been avoiding writing because when i need to write its when i feel the most pain. You would think after 6 months the pain would go away. I feel like no one understands how much things hurt; I am so grateful Tam is still here in my life and she still loves me as a friend and cares for me and can hold space for me when i need it within her boundaries. But each night and each day i miss the person that is gone. I miss my wife and my partner and my best friend. I know that part is 100% gone and when i spend time with tam it makes me feel good but it also does the opposite when i am not. There are moments and there are things that happen to trigger my emotions. I know i went back to smoking and a bit of numbing but its not to avoid but to help me present. The present is good. I enjoy my friendship with Tam. i enjoy spending time with the kids so much where i do hold those feelings of hurt and grief in so i can show them i can be a joyful happy person. I dont want them to grow up thinking daddy is always sad and unhappy. I dont want them to take on that energy and then grow up to be this way. There are little things through out each week of my life that remind me of things.

First one was All American as you know the DAD died so it was a episode where Spencer was acting all out of control and started acting like he cares about nothing and just wanted to push people away. Started treating people differently and gets really angry and short. I understood those feelings and emotions. Also they showed a part where his therapist made him talk about it. He talked about how he avoided Coach bakers call and sent it to VM and then that was the last time he heard his voice. He was so angry and upset of the WHAT IFs. What if he picked it up what if he just talked to him and then maybe he wouldn't have died. I got me thinking again of all my what ifs. That also got me thinking of all the what ifs and to make me feel all those emotions all over again. But the therapist there got his perspective to change by saying now you got a VM so you can hear him anytime you want for the rest of your life so he is always with you. Turned it into being grateful and then ended up with him thanking everyone for loving him and caring. I wanted to say Thank you to Tam i am grateful she is still here and can still give me parts of her that she wants to. It helps a but but again my wife, my soulmate my other half is gone. The word GONE is so weird since its not gone forever since Tam is not dead but what am i DEEP DOWN INSIDE hopeing and wanting. I know in the deepest part of my heart it still wants it but i also know i cannot work from that part. I need to put those feelings aside and prioritize other feelings and wants first and time will help the hurt get better i'm sure.

Last night was very hard. Tam was very sick and i went to help her out but taking the kids. So she can rest. My heart just always wants to help so that part is easy. My Husband part of me wanted to not leave her side and just take care of everyone because thats one thing i know i do really well in. I wanted her to ask me to stay and just be there but i also know to not push it to hard. My number 1 thing i wanted to do is stay. But i choose what i wanted to do second and is to take the kids out to have fun. I put my feelings aside as i should for the kids. The kids had fun but also liam was being very clingy. As soon as we left. Most the night both kids were very tired and i used every ouunce of my mental energy to not get short or react. Buyt the end of the night i had this long list of stuff i needed to do and the stress in my body i felt it all over was very overwhelming. Tam called me cuz she knew how i felt energetically and all i wanted to do was ask her if we can come back over. I felt like all i wanted to do was sit in bed together with my laptop next to her and do some paper work and watch some TV and just be. I spend a lot of time with Tam but i miss FUN and Miss things that take away stress. In the end i do miss my the part that i cannot have and cannot ask for. Going out. Family time , Trips. All the way down the Hugs and kisses and feeling the LOVE that i feel. I just have so much love to give and when it has no where to go it gets trapped inside of me and it turns into something else. I am learning to hold on to the love and energy but also not let me put me in a bad spot. I know from time to time my inner child gets the best of me. Like last night my kids were just a lot and i felt like i took on their emotion or vise versa. I know lucas wants this family to be a family as much as i do. I dont lie to him add tell him i don't want it either so we both feel a certain way and i feel him as much as he feels me. I am not 100% if this is good for him or me but i recognize it and just want things to be good again. There is also part of me that knows the WIFE energy form Tam has gone to someone else and each time i get overwhelm with that ist harder than anything in the world. I cant shake the feeling in my gut and that adds to the stress so its why i just like around my whole family and so i dont have to think about those feelings my head gives me.

Another show i was watching was the flash. There is this charactor FROST she is played by this one actress and the characters went away and the same charactor is now a different version of herself. Frost had a BF and he see this new charactor and its hard for him. He lost the love of his life but these other person that is still there isnt her but looks like her and is her but not. Like how Tam is still TAM but not my wife. It made me really cry because i know how that feels.

I am sittin here in Tams living room feeling my feels listening and being around is so easy and i love it but my adult side is tired and cannot fight the emitons of my inner child. My inner child just wants to be hugged and loved and to feel those feelings it misses so much,. I not sure while i hang on to it so much. It feel like abandonment? I feel like my inner child is just alone and un loved. I alos know that this is far from the truth but the feelings are feelings. Some days i feel like i am healing and doing the work to get better but some days i do feel like i just have to sit with it.

I fear when i write and share i want tam to know how i feel since its how i can be honest and transparent but i also scared it will push her away and make her pull back the way we are. The way we are now is amazing still. We do our best to be friend , financial partners in life, and parents. We are missing the one part i have suppressed for years because i figured tam didnt want it so if she doesn't and she can live with out it so can i. Now that i know she wants it and needs the intimacy and connection i want even more now. Its like i pulled the rug out and all my love and emotions and intimate energy has no where to go and its piles up and then explodes into one of my episodes. Little things happen from day to day to remind me if what i dont have and what i really want and when its gets to much it kinda pours over. I fear that if i say i love her it will push her away. I fear that if i ask for a hug it might be the last time. I fear that if i look into her eyes for to long she will never look at me again. I fear that i am being so selfish for wanting these things and it will push her away more. I am scared to be completely honest since she will think we need more space. To me the space is so big and im just learning to live with it and not let it bother me. I know i dont control the way she feels but i do mine. Maybe she will read this maybe not but Today this is how Henry feels and today i am hurting a bit more than other days but its part of my healing and growth. I wish tam would talk to me and not judge how i feel. I judge everything i do liek it has to be black and white , right and wrong but i am just trying my best to get through the day. I know tam always wonders what i do with my time. I try to fill it with things that make me happy and trying to find joy in the things that i use to love doing. But she doesn't know how hard it is or maybe she does but i also feel she gets mad when it's not what she thinks i should be doing. This triggers me the feeling that when i am not doing what she thinks i should be doing, I am not worthy enough to be her partner in things. Like the house thing. She told me to be honest on what I want but also what I want to do. I am still trying to figure that out. Right now I love Tam and I love my kids and this family is my number 1.

What i do everyday when i am confused on what to do. I close my eyes, take deep breaths and scan my whole body then I concentrate on my heart and gut and ask what it wants. What does it really want to do? Then I make a choice to show up or to do something else. I follow my heart and for that day i made a choice from a place where all my love is and then i dont questions what i do. It's not guaranteed that I know if it's the correct choice but it's the one I made today. And I tell myself if it doesn't work out for me I learn from it and tomorrow i get to make new choices. I move forward and keep trucking away to eventually get to where I need and want to be.

I am trying my best to choose to put the kids first and then me and then tam. Its not normal for me but saying first then doing has been how I do things.

1) Emotional Dump:

My biggest fear: Passing on my Energy that isn't going help the kids

My negative emotions: thinking of things i don't have instead of what i do

Frustrations/angry: frustrated that I still feel sad and angry when I feel it. I know it doesn't go away forever but is there

Areas I feel stuck: PLANNING PLANNING PLANNING

2) Gratitude/Brag book:

I am so grateful Tam is still here and doing her best to hold space. And our Tamry connection

I am so grateful Parents for helping me

I am so grateful My job to pay the bills

I am grateful my trip to japan

3) Complete “ONE thing": Pick 1 place in japan a day

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