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the-archangel · 1 year

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V’s diary Part 4

Also featuring Kerry’s begrudging attempt at a diary Part 1

V, typing:

A lot has happened this week, some bad, mostly good I guess.

My name is getting around, clients are asking for me and contracts are building up and paying more which is preem. On the other hand, I broke my ankle, which is gonk. Obviously, Vik mostly sorted it, but said it shouldn’t have been able to happen in the first place and is another sign – in case I’d forgotten along the way – that all is not well. Almost worse than all that (almost), is that I broke it tripping over the cat in the dark. It was fine, but I’d be limping for a few days yet.

I’ve been staying over at Kerry’s pretty regularly for months now, I couldn’t get rid of the apartment completely, I need my space sometimes, but there’s no denying that Kerry’s place is a step up, so seeing how my leg was giving me problems, Ker suggested I move some of my stuff in and sort of, set up there, where he could look after me. He emptied a cupboard for my stash, and a wardrobe for my gear (though he said he nearly changed his mind when he saw it) and came to the apartment with Del to help me shift it.

That was 3 days ago, the boxes of my stuff are over there, next to the exercise equipment, untouched and unloved because this raging nympho on top of me won’t let me out of the bed......

“Heh, that’s right. I’ve got you now baby, there’s no escape! Is this that diary thing you were talking about? Shit you want to remember?”

“Yep, you should have a go, write down things that you want me to remember.”

“I dunno, I do all my writing in my songs, there’s nothing left after that.”

“Please Ker, I’ll let you do that thing again...”

Kerry’s Diary

I don’t know how this is supposed to work, sounds dumb talking to a diary, but V said it’s made him feel better and that’s all I want in the world so here it goes.

V came into my life at the exact moment that I needed him to, I knew he was special the first time we spoke, I knew I needed him the first time we kissed and I knew I loved him waking up in his arms the morning after the pool picnic and looking into his fucking beautiful green eyes....

“Shit V, this is hard.”

“Good, bring it over and I’ll deal with that for you.”

“..........!”

I love that his puppy-like enthusiasm for things he’s never done before awakens something in this ol’ dog, some of the things aren’t even sex related, like when he tried synth-caviar for the first time, wolfed it down and gagged it straight back up into the pool. I love his determination to see things through to the end. I love that he knows what he knows and doesn’t pretend otherwise. I love that at the end of the day, this is where he comes back to, leaving the day on the doorstep and filling the house with laughter and light.

“Aw, Ker. Thank you. I love you, you know.”

“I know. But can I stop now? I’m feeling like a tortured artist.”

“Course. Though you don’t usually complain about a bit of torture...”

*******

Reasons I love Kerry:

His face when he’s sleeping.

His enthusiasm for life and for sharing the best bits with me.

The way he can’t hide what he’s thinking because his fucking amazing eyes give it away every time.

His hair.

The craft and energy he puts into his work.

His smile.

How he always throws his pillow across the room when he can’t sleep.

How passionate he is about everything – no feeling is wasted.

The way being drunk makes him horny, then sleepy, then horny again.

His ass.

The way he’ll quietly strum guitar for me when I’m not feeling well to help me sleep.

“Christ V, why don’t you just marry him already.”

“Hey Johnny, wondered when you’d be back.”

“Well since you keep sending me to engram limbo, I should probably make the most of this while I can.”

“I’m sorry Johnny, we just needed some time to get to know each other without someone looking over our shoulders all the time. You understand right?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever. Carry on with your stupid list, I’m fascinated that you haven’t mentioned the thing he’s most proud of yet.”

His freckles, I really love ‘em, cute as.

The way he tried to cook breakfast once, but the hibachi caught fire from the fat and scared him so he dumped it in the pool and now he brings me a coffee in the morning instead even though I don’t really like it cuz he says it’s the best and I will love it eventually if I give it a chance.

The way he looks into my eyes when he speaks.

That his favourite music to have sex to is his own – especially his version of Chippin’ In.

His voice, he only needs to say “Hey V” and I’m at half-mast.

He lets me borrow his shirts, even though they’re tight on me and end up ruined; he says it’s worth it. (Never lets me borrow his pants though, weird.)

His dick and the amazing things he can do with it.

“Bingo! And there it is!”

“What? You jealous?”

“Fuck off V.”

So my ankle’s feeling better, been running on the ‘mill and going back to H10 to do some boxing training in between gigs. Coach Fred, says that I could maybe make some eddies at it if I put in the work, worth thinking about for sure. Gonna delta down to Kabuki to check out the competition in the morning. Kerry’s not too happy, says that it’s bad enough that we’re all over the screamsheets already without it looking like he’s knocking me about. I told him that I’d try not to get hit in the face, but anywhere else there were bruises he could kiss them better, he seemed OK with that.

***************

Round 1 – Kabuki – Well that was fucking weird. There were these twins, I think, I dunno. They talked a lot of confusing gonk shit anyway so I just punched ‘em until they shut up.

Round 2 – Rancho Coronado – This was more like it. A straight up fist-fight against a jacked-up opponent. It was in a gym run by Animals against this massive unit called Rhino. She really gave as good as she got, and was pretty gracious when I floored her with a left-handed upper-cut.

So far, so good!

Round 3 – The Glen – Ok, another weird one. This guy, Cesar, his wife’s about to give birth and is begging him not to do it, but he doesn’t back down – even puts his car up as a stake – turns out he’s shit, one punch and he’s down. Took the cash and the car and then felt bad, gave ‘em the cash back and drove away.

“Why d’you take the car? You already have like, 15 cars and 3 bikes, why did you need the poor gonk’s car?”

“Well Johnny, what can I say, I just really like cars.”

Round 4 – Arroyo – Didn’t feel bad for one second about punching this fuckers lights out. Put his gun up as part of the deal, sweet, then, even after I’d floored him with an impressive right-hook to the temple, refused to hand it over. It got real messy, real fast with his friends wanting in on the action too, dropped a few with some ‘hacks, introduces a few to Archangel, right in the head, but saved Ol’ Buck for last and punched him until I heard his skull crack. It’s a nice gun, I’ll enjoy fixing it up some.

“That was a side of you I hadn’t seen before, I liked it, takes a lot to get you mad.”

“Mhm, anger is wasted energy Misty says, fucker deserved it though.”

The final is a couple of days away, can’t wait to get home and tell Kerry all about it. We do like to work out together, maybe I could introduce him to a bit of sparring?

***************

Ok, so when I got home Kerry was not amused by the state I was in, and despite my promise, my lip was busted and a bruise was darkening on my cheek, that’s not to mention my stomach and chest which by now were just one, joined-up yellow and purple mess.

After he sat me down and told me how dumb this whole thing had been, whilst he paced the room and occasionally shouted in my face, he pushed me into the shower and leaned in the doorway, still complaining, while I got undressed and stepped into the cubicle. I thought maybe he was going to join me, but he just stood there looking sad and shaking his head as each new bruise was revealed under the water and the glare from the bathroom light. Turning off the shower, I was braced for another earful, but he held the soft, grey towel open for me to step into and wrapped me in it, holding me there with his face in my neck. It was nice, better than the shouting for sure, but I realised his shoulder’s were gently shaking as he held me, and as I nuzzled his face to see into his eyes, there were tears.

“Christ V, I’m just worried about you is all. Whenever you leave the house I never know what state you’re coming back in, and the thought of you being punched in the face – choosing to be punched in the face – is too much.”

“Shit Ker, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise you felt that way. One last bout, the day after tomorrow, then that’s it. Promise. OK?”

“I guess.”

His sad, steady gaze into my soul as he says this is overwhelming, a sob catches in my throat and I lift him with both arms, sweeping him out of the bathroom and bouncing him down on the bed. We kiss, gently, tenderly and I snuggle into him, nuzzling his neck and beard, using the towel to cover us both. We wake with the sun, still wrapped in the towel and in each other’s arms.

********************

It’s the day of the final. I’ve tried to persuade Kerry to come, thought he might worry less, but he’s refused – that’s OK, I get it. Vik said he’ll come along though, he loves a good match so let’s hope I don’t let him down....

“How about the effect that all this is having on me?”

“Like what Johnny?”

“It’s not just your head that get’s rattled, it’s mine too. I get all the headaches without any of the fun of a fight first.”

“So how about I let you fight this ‘Razor’ dude in the final, show me what you’re made of?”

“......I’m more of a scrapper than a technical boxer, I’ll channel some angry energy your way.”

“Sheesh, thanks.”

****

I knew the Grand Imperial Mall from a job I did there a few months ago, but either missed the part with a huge boxing ring in it, or else it had been set up in between times. Either way, I was glad to see Vik, he was all over Razor’s stats and knew his weak points, ‘jabs to the abs’ was the catchphrase of the day. Razor looked more cyborg than human, reminded me of Johnny’s memories I’d seen of Adam Smasher, and that’s someone I definitely wouldn’t want a one-on-one with. This is the first fight that I’d been nervous for; it wasn’t helped by Coach Fred implying I had no chance anyway and offering Eddies to throw the fight. No way! Let me at the fucker.

Razor got a couple of punches in early on, but really didn’t like a tickle in the ribs with a boxing glove. He was getting weaker with each of my carefully directed jabs, disorientated even, as his punches failed to connect. He didn’t want to go down, but in the end I didn’t give him a choice. Bout to V. Place in the hall of fame guaranteed.

Chatted with the crowds for a bit, searched for Vik, thought we could have a drink and I’d cadge a lift, but couldn’t find him. Stepped outside into the sunshine, sat on the steps and lit up a cig as requested by the head terrorist only to have it snatched from my fingers by an adorable vision in leather.

“Kerry!” I jumped up and hugged him hard. “What are you doing here?”

He pulled hard on the cig, “Vik persuaded me to come, said you were good – really good and it’d be a shame to miss it.”

“But, you weren’t there. I’d have seen you.”

“No, Vik set up a live stream on the holo, I was watching in the car.”

“What did you think?” I asked, nervous to know the answer.

“Well, those first couple of hits he had on you nearly had me shutting it down and driving home...but then when you had the upper hand...it was kinda hot.” He admitted, before stamping out the cigarette and pulling me up from the steps. “C’mon, I’ve got plans for you back at home....”

#kerry eurodyne x male v #cyberpunk kerry #kerry eurodyne #kerry x male v #v cyberpunk #johnny silverhand

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videoreligion · 3 years

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Sinner: The Secret Diary of a Nymphomaniac (1973)

Happy Franco Friday!

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gameraboy2 · 2 years

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Diary of a Nympho (1973)

#diary of a nympho #1973 #1970s #vintage #film #movie #movie poster #poster #poster art #art #illustration

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zombi3doll · 3 years

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me and my friends would sit on our school field and talk about fucking each other like it was a casual topic

#dollette #nympho aesthetic #put me in a movie #lizzy grant #daily diary

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olderthannetfic · 3 years

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I mean there are issues within m/m fanfiction, the problem is the arguments we see take things to the extreme. Either there's no issues and it's just women exploring their sexuality and how dare you mock the things women like! OR It's homophobic how dare straight women fetishize gay men! When in reality there are tropes and trends that do lean more towards homophobia or heteronormativity but there's no space for us (slash fans) to call that out without having to defend against the extremes.

This is so hilariously moderate that I think everyone would agree with it if they take it at surface value and don't read into your words.

Anyone who is a veteran of decades of fannish debate will read into your words.

The basic issue is that the conversation people typically want to have about things that are homophobic or heteronormative is pretty 101. They're coming to this fresh with great earnestness, but to someone like me, it's just going to sound like sealioning because we've had these same arguments in slash fandom and in queer communities going back decades.

For example, here are the standard Not Queer Enough bad things that make us just like the breeders according to 80s/90s queer community wank:

marriage

raising children

monogamy

roles of any kind including butch/femme

99% of A/B/O Is Just Het Tho or BL Is Bad Because Ukes wank sounds like all of this over again.

And then there's the eternal fight about whether Pride is for kink and adults and free expression of sexuality or whether it's for corporations and kids in strollers. Conform and kick your less acceptable members to the curb as a political strategy to get rights or be inclusive punk rebels but make fewer strides in legislation? It's a legitimate and eternal struggle in minority groups.

The obsession with Good Representation™ is part of this. So is not liking stuff that overlaps your group with kink and socially unacceptable sexual fantasies. In other words...

RESPECTABILITY POLITICS

If somebody sends me an example of a specific fic or trend they think sucks, I'll keep an open mind...

But I can tell you I have yet to hear an argument about any actual fic on AO3 that made me agree it was homophobic or heteronormative rather than just standard porn bullshit that the lizard brain loves.

People are always wringing their hands about shit that is super common in romance novels and erotica and live action pornos alike because audiences love it.

So for example, I really hope nobody expects me to take seriously an argument about m/m fanfic being bad for any of:

penetration = real sex, all other sex = foreplay

virginity is real and matters

ravishment

biology works how is hot and/or convenient to the plot

everyone has a giant dick

safe sex is boring and we're going to pretend STDs don't exist

everyone is a giant nympho slut

everyone is unrealistically monogamous

dick so good it converted someone

kink with zero negotiation first

zero realistic psychological consequences for anything

etc.

Someone's going to go, "Okay, okay, not literally always, but you have to agree that sometimes this trope is bad. Or it's bad that it's like 99% of fics."

No.

No I don't.

At zero times do I agree that it's a problem all porn does the dumb penetration=real sex thing. Yes, it's dumb. Yes, it's unrealistic. It's there because it's hot. If you find it un-hot, write something else.

I'm totally down to have a conversation about which trends are stupid or boring, but homophobic? Heteronormative? LOL.

Fundamentally, every single conversation about problems in m/m fanfic on AO3 starts from the assumption that fic should be looked at from a reader's perspective. This is the reader's whole media diet. They learn queerness from fic. They learn sex ed and biology from fic. They don't have access to other queer media. They're learning the wrong messages. Blah blah blah.

I look at fic as more like someone's porn (or the emotions equivalent) they wrote for themselves in their diary and were nice enough to let others see as a favor. Sure, occasionally, I think "Wow, author, I am so sorry for you that you view bodies and sex this way", but even then, how do I know it's not just that they're a bad writer? The only thing I'm learning from their fic is that some very weird stuff makes me horny. If I have trouble putting that fic in a wider context of realistic queerness or non-fanfic erotica or whatever else, that's my problem, not the writer's.

The only "problem" with m/m fanfiction on AO3 is that I cannot find any first time sex pollen RM/JK A/B/O where they're both alphas and JK is on the bottom and RM feels comedic levels of melodramatic guilt over it while JK's entire internal monologue is just the word "thighs" over and over and over.

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gayinhell · 6 years

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#the urge of leaving all these nymphos and fandoms behind is getting strong again #because tumblr is really only a distraction #i mean #i would keep this blog anyway #i have like 300 things in queue lol #but maybe a private blog would be better for me #that id use like a sort of diary

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videoreligion · 2 years

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Sinner: The Secret Diary of a Nymphomaniac (1973)

Happy Franco Friday!

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kage-no-kitsune · 4 years

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Is it sad this is the most romantic thing that has happened to me in months if not more then a year, and it was all thanks to @stephs-nympho-diary

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angelicichor · 4 years

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8 People I Want to Get to Know Better

Thank you for tagging me!! I haven’t done one of those in a long time and I love these!!

Tagged By: @prophxtslash

Tagging: @faggot2134 , @sehowlawoods , @meat-husband , @slashyslashystabbystabby , @slasher-bi , @dashinslashin , @pomchii , @thanatosbanshee

If any of you don’t feel like doing this it’s perfectly okay!!

001 / alias(es): Vivi, Vi, C, Kitten (sona)

002 / birthday: August 25th

003 / zodiac: Virgo

004 / height: 5'2" Short squad U_U

005 / hobbies: Drawing, gaming, studying languages/psychology, mask making (i suck at this though TTvTT), sculpting, skull/bone art

006 / favorite color(s): Black, light purples, light pinks

007 / favorite book: The Diary of the Nympho, 1992 (Stephen King), Stones for the Rampart

008 / last song listened to: Blood // Water by grandson but I’m listening on shuffle :’D Last one I listened to on my own accord would be Daddy Issues by The Neighborhood

009 / last film watched: Rob Zombie’s Halloween cause I was re-watching it :’D

010 / inspiration for muse(es): Music, research, their movies/games/shows/books, own experiences, emotions

#virgo talks #tag you're it

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barapoe · 7 years

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08/26/17

okie dokes, i think i’m gonna keep a log of mental well being here, as sort of like an online diary ;D you can read it if you feel like, or not, doesn’t matter to me! i’ll probably tag as feel free to read! posts like these will be under a readmore

and i won’t include names or initials or anything unless i find it totally necessary!

yesterday was my second ex’s birthday (counting ex’s back to the beginning of the summer) and i think i handled it pretty well though there were definitely thoughts of things like “i better do this, that, and the third harmful behavior” i.e. drinking/smoking (because robert is probably getting drunk/high too and since i couldn’t break up with him, i can at least get drunker/higher than him), or sex (since he broke up with me because of how much sex i had before we started dating)

which is totally stupid in retrospect, because i shouldn’t allow myself to be controlled by other people like that - if i get drunk/high, it should be of my own volition; if i have sex, it’s cause i wanted to have sex.

i had a friend over and we got drunk and hella high. he left and i messaged this guy on okc and we almooost met up for a hookup (though, i gotta say he made a rape joke? i honestly have difficulty interpreting some of his messages, “haha”s can really change things up if they’re sarcastic or not) but then i fell asleep LOL at twelve or one like a baby, and woke up around 3 to a message from this one guy i really like!!!

beginning of many tangents (can skip to the end of it, at “TO SUM:” because it’s a lot of rambling) :

now here’s the thing that i can’t decide for myself. do i actually like this person or am i rebounding? i’ve had a couple of chances now to rebound. i rebounded with this one guy but we stopped dating because we didn’t really know each other much at all, and this one guy i rejected because i wasn’t really attracted to him, and i started liking this one guy but i didn’t think he was into me - and really that’s the key. i don’t know whether or not i like this person i’m talking to now or if i’m just confusing that with attraction. because i don’t know them. i like the air they give off - i’m attracted to how they talk, and their overall demeanor, and i’ve only hung out with him literally once yet i get so upset when he doesn’t give me attention/send me snaps/ask to meet up (but he’s been so busy with his family, and he just came out of the hospital yesterday, and he has messaged me almost everyday since we met in person and ohmygod this was the cutest thing he sprayed my pillow with his cologne i was like LOL that’s adorable).

(but one thing that also really gets me is when people i like give other people i know in my snaps attention LMAO that makes me so upset, also note: everytime i mention i get upset over something, i’m probably crying like a bitch and lmfao i know i’ve cried almost everyday for the past three or so weeks [excluding my trip last week to new york which was fantastic!!! i got to see one of my best buddies from sixth grade for the first time in real life!!!] because of my second ex it’s so lame i’ll be sitting there doing my makeup and then i’ll start sobbing like what is wrong with me, i just end up hating myself so much during those moments - gotta be more gently with myself)

but idk if all this is just me wanting that person specifically to give me attention, or if it’s because i ultimately feel absolutely disgusted with myself perpetually, physical appearance-wise, personality-wise, action-wise, &c &c. like, would it matter who was giving me the attention? is the only stipulation there that i be attracted to them?

though, to be honest, i sort of seek attention from people i’m not really attracted to too. i’ll consider them friends and i’ll have sex with them (i guess in exchange for that attention, or for drugs/alcohol, or both - definitely both, because i hooked up with this one guy who gave me an attention that didn’t fulfill any of my emotional drives and i told him never to talk to me again, though i think if he got me something of perceived equal or higher value to the emotional turmoil i could have experienced at his hands, i would’ve contacted him again) but they’re not romantic interests like i do the guys that i quote-unquote like.

and it ultimately ties into the fact that i don’t know whether or not i ever truly liked my second ex. he tells me he treated me horribly, but then the main thing i think of is the fact that he voluntarily cuddled me after sex in the absolute cutest koala-y way, and i just can’t bring myself to think that he had treated me bad in any way. (especially given the fact that he cuddled my like so when my open relationship with my first ex was going down the fucking drains and into a radioactive wasteland)

okay, okay, so i had to reach and that’s proof enough that i’m misguided, but now i do remember the first time me having sex with other people really came up when we were both hanging out with a friend of mine that i had participated in an orgy with (a little part of me sort of weirdly endearingly, partially spitefully, thinks “you are the cause of my breakup”) and sometime after that friend left (that day, the following day? idk), my second ex got ridiculously day drunk and we cried a lot a lot a lot about how he felt about my sex life. the implication that he thought i was a whore, something he didn’t disagree with. (and then when he drunk texted me oh. my. god. whyyy am i still upset over this guy?)

and then maybe you can consider it treating me badly when he breaks up with me because of my sex life (note: i should not be calling myself a whore, as much as i’d like to reclaim that term there is a marked difference between reclaiming it and using it to degrade myself - if i feel sad when i call myself a whore, then i should not call myself a whore) though it’s difficult to think that, especially after conversations with my dad about how people will perceive me when i do have sex with a number of people. (i haven’t even had that much sex, compared to some, and it makes me so frustrated) ‘cause it’s true! people do perceive you differently when you’ve had tons of sex! doesn’t mean that they should perceive you differently, cause in the ideal world that double standard wouldn’t exist, but it totally does.

i enjoy sex on a number of different levels:

as a means of validating myself, confirming tangibly that i am attractive, people like me (though one night stands aren’t the best way to confirm people like you, and i feel like i don’t have many friends here though really that’s more self-imposed than anything else)

to have a good time, cause sex is just fun lmfao especially when you’re doing it with someone who’s a good kisser/eats pussy LMAO it’s nice to get away and focus on another person and perform something physical

to get at my first and second exes, prove not only to myself that i’m pretty and can move on but also to them

(1) is definitely why i won’t stop having sex altogether, i kind of need it lmfao, and (2) is definitely why i will not stop having sex kind of riskily/gratuitously, no matter what people think of me. i like sex lmfao i’m a nympho and i feel like there’s nothing wrong with getting validation! (i just gotta be safer with it) TO SUM: do i actually like this person or am i just attracted/infatuated with this person? is it a matter of rebounding? i think: i actually like this person tbh or i’m really attracted to them and i could very easily come to genuinely like this person as we get to know each other.

did i like my second ex or did i like the feeling of love he gave to me? i think: both. i don’t think i would be nearly as upset about this if i didn’t genuinely like him - seeming to me, he gave me every reason to like him. and i think that’s my final response to that.

i hate/want to hate people who treat me like dirt/make me feel bad about myself an overwhelming amount of times and i will stop liking said people nigh immediately once i realise what’s going on to protect myself. this was the case with my first ex, and has been the case with anyone i’ve met since my second ex, but with my second ex i never came to the conclusion that he gave me a reason to dislike him - recovery from him is searching for a reason not to like him, or finding someone new to like just as much

my second ex broke up with me straight up because of the sex double standard, but despite this i’m going to continue to have sex. gotta keep my “snapchat first, meet after” rule checked though, no need to rush into things even if i’m sad and in extra need of validation/fun times.

end of many tangents!

so this one guy i really like right now came out of the hospital yesterday and said he wanted to meet up today!! i’m so excited LMAO!! the past couple of days since we met when i’ve slept during the day, it was because i wanted time to go faster between his snapchats lmfao! i felt really sad when he wasn’t messaging me a whole ton and definitely thought he didn’t like me at all (before i knew he was in the hospital or visiting family, though no lie there will be an irrational bit of me that’s like “what if he’s lying???” so though i didn’t really want to, to protect myself and to keep myself from getting too attached, i’ve still been talking with people on okc - we’re not dating or anything, but it doesn’t feel great to like someone and have sex with other people)

so i’m basically having one of the happier days i’ve had pre/post-new york trip! especially now that my head has adjusted to my medicine being back in my system. LOL standards are soOO high when you can say that you didn’t cry within the first hour of being awake (or at all so far!!! WOO) and that’s a sign of good wellbeing!

i’m preparing myself for plans to meet up not to come through and i’m not entirely sure how i’ll react but i’m 66.7% certain i won’t do anything besides drink some! or maybe meet up with this other guy i was talking to? it won’t be desperate, is what i’m saying, lmfaooo! i feel much more in control of my emotions than i have been in a looong while!

#feel free to read #feel free to comment too LOL

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