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thelightningawardsofficial · 5 years

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Review | Epistolary

Judged by C.C. Lyn (SoarLikeTheWind)

Category: I'm No A Mary Sue

[ Author: daedaliaaan ]

Title (4/5): "Epistolary" (stylized as "epistolary.") is a story exactly as stated: a novel written in the form of letters. While I find the aesthetic decision of the title suitable, a general perspective may consider it lacking in depth. The title could be more powerful and still retain its poetic appeal if you had chosen a meaningful phrase or line instead. However, I do strongly want to commend the chapter titles for their individual beauty and synergy, so I have awarded an extra point here.

Summary (9/10): To be honest, I am quite conflicted about how to address this category because your story lacks a conventional synopsis, but entries beside Simple is Best submissions require a summary score and critique. Initially I was going to reluctantly give a lower score for its inadequate length, but then I reasoned someone who can convey the same message in such a boldly small quantity of words deserves a louder applause; the two simple lines present this story elegantly by providing the context and offering a preview of your distinct voice. There is no grammatical corrections I can make, nor any suggestions I find appropriate to bring up beside the substitution of the first two periods for commas to make it a complete sentence, but that is merely a stylistic option. Still, I gave the summary an imperfect score because it lacks a potent hooking effect, which is somewhat excused by its briskness.

Plot (20/25) -> [16/20]: I want to say an early disclaimer that I definitely am not discouraging you from the current progression of the story. I think all the choices so far have been tastefully selected and contributory to the overarching theme. But if I take a step back, I can see, with absolutely no intended offense, that the mundane plot is limping along with your writing as its crutch. This book would not be close to being as interesting as it is if your writing was any less stirring. The novelty has also started wearing off and becoming stagnant. Perhaps it would be good idea to move the story along. It is great that you acknowledge the current state of the plot yourself. I am curious to learn how the heroine's relationship developed into its present state.

Characterization (18/20) -> [13.5/15]: First off, I'd like to tell you that you are the only author whose works I've read that has never depicted him out of character. You also managed to convince me that self inserts can be well executed. It is one of the most unique thing about your story beside its style, in my opinion. Self inserts known for being shallow but the small cast of characters is definitely working in your favor; the story feels much more personal without minor characters who would need to be caricaturized in order to find distinguishable niches. Keep working on adding layers to Amy's and Gouenji's personalities, and you'll have yourself a winning couple. They're both on the right track, just somewhat stock at the moment, of which the plot's progression is somewhat responsible for. I can't help but wonder how you plan to explore Gouenji's psyche without switching perspectives, based on my impression that the entire book will be comprised of Amy's entries. His exposition will also be crucial if Amy and Gouenji are to remain perfectly balanced as they presently are.

Grammar and Writing Style (14/15): Grammar mistakes are virtually undetectable, and the unique, first person present tense submerges the audience in Amy's tragic epistolary. I am convinced that you have found a style to distinguish yourself from others, however I would suggest pursuing greater consistency, as the approximate ratio of poetic depictions to colloquial narrative is noticeably varied in certain chapters. While the transitions are not distracting in itself, this is an observation I made while rereading the book in one sitting. Perhaps it has something to do with how far removed your updates are from each other, which could hinder you from realizing it yourself.

Originality (8/10) -> [4/5]: The reason why you did not score very high in this category is that the story's basis is not very innovative. I am sure that a breakup with Gouenji has been done before. That being said, this cliche is well executed in that it is not detrimental to the book's entertainment value.

Feels Factor (14/15): The book has not made me cry yet, but it is really close. Your writing just evokes so much pity from me. I think it can be even better if you incorporate the advice I gave in Grammar and Writing Style. Another critique I have to offer is to close the distance between Amy and the scenes depicted in her epistolary, since she is sometimes still somewhat removed from the plot in engaging moments. This can be done by trimming sentences to make them more active. Lastly, a stronger continuation of themes between chapters will help carry the emotional tone.

𝙊𝘾 𝙍𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 -> [13.8/15]

Name (5/5): Points for choosing a realistic name that does not repeat any canon character's dub name.

Appearance (7/8): Amy Jackson is a wallflower whose plain appearance complements her personality, but her physical design doesn't quite follow the style of other characters, in the sense that I can pick her out in a lineup of canon characters. I understand that Amy is a self insert, but her appearance seems to be too normal among the cast of Inazuma Eleven, even if you did write the setting more realistically than the original depicted it. Personality (9/10): Amy has a solid personality that is well expressed through a balanced combination of character interactions and introspection. I look forward to a greater exploration of her character as the variety of events she experiences expands. I want a glimpse into the most fortified chambers of Amy's mind and heart as the book reaches its climax. You have a good grasp on pathos; use it to your advantage to write scenes that relate Amy to your reader.

Strengths and Weaknesses (10/12): Amy's weaknesses make her a great social foil to Gouenji. Her insecurities are well justified, but occasionally I find them exaggerated in the sense that they are not shallow, but rather, predictable. Nevertheless, she will also need to express more of her strengths or risk becoming an anti-Sue. Remember that strengths can come in all forms, and the lack of conventional strengths does not necessarily make "safe" characters. I will elaborate on this a little more when I discuss Amy's relationship with Gouenji later. Just don't be afraid to give Amy more credit.

Interaction with Canon (10/10): I am under the impression that this story takes place after canon events, possibly in AU, which leaves the canon untouched for speculation or ignorance. It might be interesting if you reference a canon event or the alternative AU event in the future to confirm one or the other though, but it is fine as is as well.

Relationships with Canon Characters (5/5): Something that I appreciate about Amy is how the only relationship she fosters with any canon character is with Gouenji. Usually I would recommend authors incorporate their OCs into the canon better by giving them other relationships, but this choice seems to be more appropriate for the particular narrative setting. While you've romanticized Amy and Gouenji's dynamics well, be careful not to pigeonhole them into the trope of the popular-jock-requiting-the-affection-of-the-nerd-who-was-beautiful-all-along, even if I must admit I'm a sucker for their relationship so far despite rarely being a fan of chicklit. I am not very worried though, as the premise of the story already promises aversion from that perfect fantasy with some sort of tragedy. Now what that tragedy is reminds me of Shakespearean plays in which the audience already knows the outcome, but is nevertheless tantalized by the unfolding mystery of how it became that way. That, I think, is the strongest driving force of this story. Just who are these characters and what happened to them? I am sure I won't be the only one wanting answers from you...or shall I say Amy?

Total: [Raw] 85/100 + 46/50 [Scaled] 88.3%

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thelightningawardsofficial · 5 years

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Review | Northern Star

Judged by Mary Seph (ArimaMary)

Category: Simple Is Best

[ Author: Tieg2001 ]

>Title 3/5: "Northern Star" does the trick. It tells the reader the story is about Fubuki. Perhaps it is merely bad luck, but I have read that title being used recently in other stories so it does not come across as impressive or eye-catching. It is an alternate ending of Fubuki's arc, so something like Rising Star or taking another step and tie the title with something referenced in the story itself (basically, using a metaphor) will make it more relevant and eye-catching, making the reader go "ahhhh" or "ohhhh "when they understand why the story was named that way.

>Plot 16/25: I have to say, it took me quite a few reads to understand what was going on. Perhaps it was the word choice or the lack of physical description that made the story feel as if the characters were floating. This caused a snowball effect that affected your other scores in its respective categories. I would say half was the plot shown in the anime, and another half was your own twist; although at the first read I didn't see any divergence as you mentioned because of the first thing I said. I judged only on the plot of your own creation. What made the story fall in this item is how these new events were handled. The beginning is interesting; it would be so much better if the word choice improves considerably. The second twist didn't quite work as well because it seems to come out of nowhere. Starting from the beginning of the story, I don't know the protocol when an avalanche occurs so I will guess it is similar to a landslide. Someone reports it, and authorities like the police and the ambulance come to investigate. It is unclear if the sirens are getting close because of the accident or because of the avalanche (which has to be cleaned of course). On another topic, it would have been interesting to have had a solid visual of the state of the scarf when it was first mentioned. Was it hanging from a branch, a piece of metal, or in the floor? How come the lady asked if it was Fubuki's and not who did it belong to? On the topic of the lady, someone definitely should have stayed by his side to get a testimony or for emotional support. I was sure it was going to be her. He's just a little boy after all!

The next scene suffers from the recurring fault I first mentioned, unclear wording. I had no idea which soccer match it was because there were no pointers at the very beginning, grounding the scene. And it was just as hard to know who this goalkeeper was without a name--recommendations for these points are in Grammar and Style where I bring up more of these examples. The part I had the most trouble understanding was the turning point which hints a time skip, I think. Because I am still confused after thoroughly dissecting this one-shot. The change in the characters around Fubuki after this skip seemed baseless, out of nowhere. First being aggressive then supportive. Where did that come from? It needs a trigger, a strong one; and it will raise the emotions--the rising action--to swipe the reader off their feet. The ground has plenty of potential. You need to dig deeper.

>Characterization 11/20: I will be scoring the following characters: Shirou (little and teen), Atsuya, the lady, and those two characters whom I won't name due to spoilers. Firstly, Little Shirou didn't portray much of his personality save from "Atsuya. . ." which by this point is a trope. Personality is best shown through actions, and the most distinct, the more a character's psyche is exposed. With third person narrator, this is where I recommend you place your focus. Secondly, the lady seemed really cold, leaving little Shirou alone. Her dialogue seemed to be merely for plot purposes rather than anything else. I want to bring up the turning point again, the rising action, and this is a key point where Fubuki's personality would--should-- have shone. He was like clogged water where he should have risen like a tsunami and flood the reader with emotions: anger, sadness, helplessness, and hope. With a character as beloved as Fubuki which rose the popularity polls (like the wind!), it was this strong relatability and capacity to make the viewer feel empathy that he became a favorite. From the ten points of his character, I gave you five, and a two for Atsuya because, sure, the dialogue was in-character, but his personality/actions were inconsistent. The lady didn't do much, and those two characters seemed to be for plot purposes rather than having actual personalities.

>Grammar and Writing Style 11/15: Now for the good stuff. I put extra effort in this part because of the time you have been writing. I hope this can help a lot. The way you used spacing is quite messy and at times confusing--those short scenes in which extra spacing. Sadly, Wattpad doesn't quite work well with an extra space like in books. But! I just read a story which made great use of this spacing. In general, you have three options: spacing, symbols, and transition phrases. For this part, a transition phrase might work well. You need to find when to use which. But the symbols were used appropriately. Good job.

On another topic, there was some glaring use of passive voice, two clear examples being "Silence reigned, no sound was to be processed by Fubuki" and "By the use of skilled faints, the football got carried away forward by Gran." Use active voice instead. This is big. Always check for passive voice while editing. Onto style, there were instances in which some descriptions were too vague like "creature of [the] wild". "Wolf" delivers a clear and concise image in the readers head. Use clear words. I can say this the whole story. This is crucial. Fortunately, this can be easily fixed with adding sensory descriptions: the yells from the team, the grass at Fubuki's feet, the distance he feels from the match as if he weren't there. Ground the story, and you can ground a reader to it. Perhaps you are trying to sound fancy (and I apologize if those words sounded rude) but trying to make something seem bigger than it is in the narration shows the writer is trying to make something seem bigger than it is. Dialogue-wise, it seems the lack of dialogue tags in the italicized dialogue ended up backfiring, merely adding to the confusion. Save from the lines that were obviously Atsuya's, I had no idea who this person was or how to follow their lines. If you want to add mystery to the identity, you can describe their voice or throw hints about their appearance for the reader to put the pieces together, like breadcrumbs leading to a house made of candy.

You requested some analysis in your use of metaphors and I will focus on that now. One of the best metaphors was mirroring Fubuki's actions with his tears, and I will mention this again in Feels Factor. Using his tears as a starting point glued the tragedy tighter. You also compared the pure white snow with the smoke. To make this one more effective, you could add what the black smoke represents (tragedy, loss, trauma, etc) to the purity of the snow, because both are blinding but in different ways. The white snow seemed to represent Fubuki's desire to escape from reality aka the black smoke! Years passing like a blizzard was really nice too!

>Originality 8/10: I took two points for half of the one-shot being about events shown in the anime. I like you chose to show the accident at the very beginning and write about Fubuki in his best and its worst. My scoring is harsh enough so I will cut this part short.

>Feels Factor 11/15: Readability definitely seems to be the rock Northern Star bumped and fell face first on. It didn't make me feel because I was busy trying to understand what was going on, and in some moments when I felt a ripple, it was because the phrasing seemed out of place. As I said previously, clear words. "The boy with no family" would be easily replaced with "orphan boy" and be saved from a weird sense of pity that didn't quite belong there in my opinion. The events in this story are crucial moments for Fubuki as a character and a person. The readers should have felt all the emotions that flooded him: despair, helpless, sadness, anger, emptiness, and whatever else you wanted to show.

One thing that worked really well was "One tear fell. And then the boy." That's tragedy. The impact that caused the second sentence being the start of a new paragraph was so effective. Also, when he found Atsuya. I winced a little. Third person point of view is detached, but can also allow some strong imagery and description that are limited in other POVs. Tell me about the bloody snow, the smell of gasoline, the yells of Raimon, Gouenji's angry frown. I know I have said this quite a few times, but your writing reminds me of the first years I started to write. Don't lose faith, each story counts!

Total: [Raw] 60/90 [Final] 67%

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