#I fear she will never be used again

[thepoisonroom]

'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.

I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.

About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'

-Casey Plett, Consciousness

#this quote always moves me almost to tears when i remember it #i'm not a trans woman and i don't share the author's specific experiences with transition #but it really moves me that she frame transition as joyfully giving yourself permission to approach your body #not as something that has to be disciplined and deprived and made small in all these various ways #but as a means for experiencing pleasure and joy and delight and for insisting that our feelings and desires are worth #valuing and exploring and treasuring #i always used to think of prioritizing those things for myself as selfish and irresponsible #but who does it harm to want to experience pleasure in your own body? #it's such a beautifully simple and powerful switch to have flip in your head #and equally why are we forced to deny our own pleasure in transition and anything else related to our bodies in the name of moral rectitude #this is why i get so confused and pissed off when other trans people are fatphobic for example #like why are you so invested in politics of shame and disgust that never had any purpose other than #violently disciplining people as if they've violated moral codes by existing in a body #to say nothing of white people being racist in gay and trans communities #like again this system of violence is foundational to homophobia and transphobia #so why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you #even if you are unmoved by the urgency of other people's suffering which btw you should be moved by #what do you hope to gain by acting a collaborator and handmaiden to those systems #Casey Plett #she really is one of my favorite authors i wish more non-canadians read her #this quote is from a series of columns she did ont transition and every single one is a banger #i love when she talks about the people-pleasing elements of dysphoria and transition denial #she's so sharp about noting how many of us deny our own dysphoria on the grounds that others like and validate our bodies #that's how i always felt during my cis conventionally feminine era #it pleased other people so much and also that reception felt so hollow and joyless to me because i hated it #i get less of that positive feedback but that feels so unimportant next to the joy and pleasure i get to experience #said with the understanding that i'm very privileged in being able to prioritize those things without fear. but it was a switch flip #personal nonsense

[fellhellion]

i don't personally agree with the perspective that "miguel NEEDS to partially correct about canon events, otherwise he's a villain" because like. setting aside the issue of possibly naturalising the irl choices writers made (e.g. fridging gwen) through the concept of 'canon events', to me defining miguel's morality comes down to two questions:

What is Miguel's intent when pursuing his goal? <- it's unambigiously heroic. he desires to save people. and -

Can I plausibly understand how he has come to the belief system (and therefore goal) he has? Yes. I can understand why, when viewing the things he did (universal patterns of suffering between spidermen & the trauma of that dimension collapse), he came to the conclusion he did.

Keep in mind the other bits of information we and the characters are working with are:

Anomalies seem to affect the world they're in (Vulture appears to affect the Guggenheim's structure w glitches)

They're also in danger of dying if they don't have a stabaliser like the watch

But say for the sake of argument Miguel is completely wrong about breaking canon and doing so would not endanger anyone and the alt dimension collapsed for reasons utterly out of Miguel's knowledge or control. That still doesn't negate the heroic intent he operated by nor his desire to save people.

What "How much or little is Miguel correct?" affects is how tragic it makes Miguel's guilt and the moral concessions he feels that guilt about. Whether you would argue for it being needlessly tragic or bleak is another conversation entirely but how correct he is about what damage canon events cause doesn't actually change the fact he operated on sincerely good and heroic intentions.. And I think atsv already sets up that last point in an understandable manner.

#long post #tunes talks spiderverse #she came. she never shut up about miguel. she posted fdshfkshdfjsd #the reason i outline the knowledge of what seems to be the unquestionable consequences of anomalies in alt worlds #is so you can understand why miguel occum razor's miles changing canon as the reason theres a black hole under pav's world #we've already been shown it's possible for anomalies to affect the stability of a world (this seems to be a quiet change from itsv) and #spot firing up a baby collider and using his powers didnt open up a black hole under 1610 new york (as far as we know) #so if youre already predisposed to believing fucking w canon will cause harm i can understand WHY even if i think hes not correct #miguel and spider society assumes miles' action causes that unravelling. ESP when taken in conjunction w miguel believing his own world #jumping caused an unravelling and he applies that same fearful reasoning to whats happening here #i dont think hes correct but i understand WHY he came to conclusion he did esp when u keep in mind the kind of doublebind #miguel is IN already when it comes to being terrified hes got it wrong all over again but also being terrified of the stakes HE LITERALLY #THINKS HE EXPERIENCED (and he DID experience that trauma. even if it turns out it happened for a reason that wasnt his fault or even #related to him being in that dimension at all)

[sysig]

You’re gonna die if you keep that up (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #ZEX #Kayako #And Teisel's there technically #*Die again - he's sticking with his track record lol at least he's consistent #Ghost/Curse GF arc!! I enjoy seeing ZEX happy but I am Concerned for him lol #ZEX be attracted to something/one that won't brutally murder him challenge - difficulty impossible #His affection for the grotesque and monstrous - I mean while it's admirable he does regularly put himself in dangerous situations! #Runs solely on the Suspension Bridge Effect lol - attraction and fear so conflated in his mind <3 #I keep thinking of his human instincts as specifically Max's instincts since it's his body - Max's self-preservation and fear and hunger #Which ZEX dutifully ignores lol Max's body tells him to bolt and privately replies like ''Yes yes in a moment'' haha #His fascination wins out! To his own detriment haha #Although I say all that as though I don't relate in my own way - I have maybe just a few too many notes relating to ZEX lol #It's always been hard for me to get into horror in the way it's intended to spook and scare because I tend to get sad :') #So many monsters and ghosts and creatures are victims of circumstance! Like Kayako! As she is here she's not even malicious just dangerous #I've never seen the Grudge so it's only speculation but it seems very sad that she was tethered as a Curse rather than a malignant spirit #Like a battery moreso than an individual - what a terrible after-existence! It makes me sad to consider! #ZEX reaching out to her in his own way is very sweet <3 He's so biased towards his darlings hehe #In a way being human does suit him - we'll packbond with anything that Might have even the slightest inclination to not maim us lol #And the way he personifies her! (VUXonifies her?) Reading intention or emotion into her actions with no proof and no understanding! #The way he ''tries to read her face'' as if he hasn't been struggling with that this entire time - with other humans who can tell him so ♪ #His pride is so delicious <3 He is so easily blinded to his own shortcomings in the face of pleasure and the potential for connection! #It's no wonder DAX worries about him so much hehe ♥ #It also always makes me so happy to have something fit together so perfectly like those last two hehe <3 #That vine didn't exist when this happened! But there it is!! I love newer memes on older media hehehe ♪♫

[skitskatdacat63]

God my language classes annoy me so much. Both are such busy work yknow? I finished all my German assignments when they were due so that's fine, but it got so low effort by the end cause ik he doesn't really read them. But with Russian, I have a lot of unfinished work and I'm kinda tentatively doing it even tho the semester is over 😭😭 she's so lax and disorganized, so I have no idea what her grading will be like. It's like, will she just give me an obligatory 100(as was practice the prev classes) or like should I do these as assurance yknow 😭

#most confusing class ever #at least the german one has strict guidelines and due dates #so im like okay i def have to do this even if im bullshitting it #but russian i have no clue???? #sometimes she'd ask us to do somw assignment to bring into class #and then never talk about it again ;;; #i did do the final project which she was very clear abt #so thats fine thats clear #but all these random other recording and quiz assignments #i guess ill do them???? jjst in case??? #shes not graded anything and all of the due dates are just. wrong.(ex. some of them literally say 2021) #theres just this guilt and fear eating away at me that she'll randomly decide to be accurate and itll fuck my grade #theres just absolutely no way to predict what shes gonna do and when shes gonna do it #its scary 😭 #well anwyays #i got my grades back for my actually enjoyable classes #and the little note from my one professer was so sweet 😭 #she siad basically: keep in contact! ik youll do great things #and i think i got like an 100 in the clas???? im confused abt it but ill take it 😭 #<- not that i did badly but the way she explained the grading was a bit confusing to me ig #catie.rambling.txt

[girlypsyop]

Man. Leaving a toxic relationship is just an exercise in learning how to live in your own head again.

#lot going on in here folks :'( #but also :') #for a few weeks i couldnt be alone couldnt be in silence couldnt just. think. #im loving myself again. im laughing and connecting and god im so excited for what comes next #june 19th lana..... you are my soulmate my rock my queen you are everything to me #bc june 19th lana had the strength to leave #june 19th lana swept me off my fucking feet and she fought and yelled and stayed up for 4 days straight #so that 4 days later i could be free again <3 #i will work so fucking hard for june 19th lana.... i never want her to have any regrets... any whatifs.... #im going to give june 19th lana the life she hopes shes fighting for #those four days were torture... moving... yelling... crying crying crying... more moving... driving... #she did that... for me.... #literally she talked to me often... she would sit amongst the boxes and fear and heartbreak and shed talk to her future self #which ig is me <3 and shed tell me how she loved me and how i better not screw this up and she begged me to love her again #god i love her again. i love that mess of a girl. beautiful and strong and terrible! and she got out despite the torture. #june 19th lana. also june 20th 21st and 22nd lana. i hear you. you will have such a beautiful wonderful life i swear #one you will never ever second guess #he fucking killed us! he killed you! the connection the devotion the love it masked the insidious truth that you had to die for that shit #the life he could give you...its pathetic compared to what im gonna give you. #and unlike every promise he ever made... i never go back on my word :) #ok bye

[jessiesjaded]

I be like im such a bitch, im so mean, got a cold little heart and then 5 minites later im sending a girl I used to work with and I haven't seen for 2? 3? Years 100 bucks at 11pm on saturday because she's dead broke and lives by herself in Sydney now and im one of the only numbers she still has and she sending me this whole screed about how im such an angel and so kind and it's like Babe, save it for my eulogy

#she said she'll repay me on tuesday but i Highly doubt #but i do believe shes in a terrible spot so if i never see it again i can deal #not much in the scheme of life and shit #and her parents are dead shes an only child she got bullied at the joint we used to work #she can have 100 bucks #i just dont want whole long spiels it makes me feel uncomfy lmao #the eulogy bits not really a joke the i always have this fear i'll die and like only 10 people will turn up 😂 #theres more than 10 fuckers in my fanily thered be at least 20 jessie cmon now #i dont want an empty funeral #<< normal not weord thing to fear in your 20s lmao

[hella1975]

i hate my town i hate the people in it i hate the shame that consumes us all i hate that every failure might as well be posted in the square because everyone knows everyone i hate that my grandparents are here and i hate that my mother came back for them i hate that the kids are dying and no one cares i hate that every good memory has a bad memory right next door like sam's house around the corner from my childhood home i hate the body they pulled from the river i hate the memory of hearing yellow by coldplay at my cousin's funeral because all i could think was that it was too modern for the situation but then he was only seventeen so it makes sense i hate that i was seventeen too and all the boys i knew were there his friends that were supposed to be the tough guys the scary guys i hate that i pretended not to see them sobbing i hate that everything smells of cigarettes here i hate the politics i hate the people i used to love that dont even smile at me on the street i hate that the girl who called me a slut works at my favourite bar i hate every alley and hidden shortcut and i hate that i know them like the back of my hand i hate the same fucking coffee shops i sat in when i was fourteen and scared and now im nineteen and scared and i hate that it's exactly what this town wants i hate that it wants anger i hate that it wants fear i hate that it wants shame i hate that i can give it everything

#thinking about how the two biggest things in my life rn - writing and my degree - are so punctuated by this fucking town #like my biggest fear with my degree isnt what id think of myself if i dropped out or failed #or even what my family would think bc they're nicer to me than i am #it's genuinely the thought of what my hometown lot would say that keeps me up at night #like the thought of my neighbour who told me id never accomplish anything bc my school was shitter than his fancy one #the thought of having to look him in the eye #or the thought of knowing my friends will tell their mums who are still on the PTA with old teachers who thought i was special #like small towns wrap you in this bubble of smallness and it suffocates you and you're so terrified and ashamed of every little mistake #and then my writing GOD i keep thinking about how tbos is probably the best thing ive ever written #and id publish it id genuinely try and get it published #but im just again so scared and ashamed and embarrassed like how do i explain to these assholes that im writing fantasy #and that's not even counting the gay angle bc that's the biggest part #i just am not brave enough for that yet and yeah maybe it's bc im still young but i shouldnt have to be brave to enjoy things to begin with #failure shouldnt require bravery when it's just a fact of life #and i think about if we'd lived in london like my dad wanted us to or if we'd gone to dublin bc my mum loves dublin #or even if we just hadn't come to this fucking town and we'd lived in ANY FUCKING CITY #my dad jokes about how in london he didn't even know his neighbours names and god i just crave that anonymity so fucking much #it's so frustrating and my mum takes it so personally whenever i say i hate the town and my sister says i'll grow out of it just because #she did but i genuinely dont think i will #and maybe that's the creative in me or the queer in me that she just cant relate to but i have always always hated this place #like a guy i have a VERY complicated history with messaged me the other day and we havent talked in TIME #and it was kinda sweet if not awkward just bc of our aforementioned rocky past but one thing he mentioned when i said i was at uni #was that he said really genuinely 'im so happy to hear that; i know you always wanted to get out of [town name]' #like he still remembers that about me even though weve been friends since we were 12 and i havent spoken to him since i was?? 17?? #UGH i just hate it here and it's the fact that i'll never escape it either bc i cant totally abandon ship without also #abandoning my family and i refuse to do that and they refuse to leave so now im just stuck with all these CONNECTIONS #sorry to vent lol #ig this could be a poetry thing? we'll say it is instead of me just having another meltdown LMAO #hella goes home

[getinthefuckingcarkitten]

Sometimes i also think its funny to overhype Avery's villainy. She's like getting bodied by highschoolers constantly and can do little about it because money can't buy Not Getting Punched In The Face after a certain point. Come on now

#ok ok Robin catches her by surprise before flooring her and you can use pepper spray which is ''cheating'' ok #but like. what grown woman is putting herself in those situations repeteadly?? she learns nothing and does it again almost immediately #never seen before levels of unseriousness here. bailey is right abt her i fear

[lisbonsteresa]

doing horribly

#it's just- aside from everything else going on it feels like there must be a part of lisbon (maybe deep deep down she does like to repress) #that hears this and wonders 'does he think that about me' #even after 10 years together she still has that fear - #i called you hundreds of times...not a reply; he's gonna quit someday; you ran away again....you ran away from me #(even after they get together! after blue bird! i don't know....if he's gonna stick around) #- that one day he is going to change his mind and that'll be it; he'll just walk out and they'll be done #and that almost makes more sense of her at the end of the fugue episode - it's a lot of things but most importantly #she just doesn't want him to leave (god it really is her blue bird) #and then for him to admit that he does have feelings for lorelei (something he's danced around but never actually said about her) #and still brush her aside as little more than a tool to get to red john...where does that leave them? what does that make lisbon? #what happens when she's no longer useful to him? #they make me so #tm

[frecklystars]

I took a super strong sleeping pill that was supposed to knock me out last night, but I still ended up jolting awake shaking after 4 hours. I really don't know how to fix this.

My bad memories and all of my rage is always in my brain 24/7 and I just wish I knew how to make the anxiety go away. I know this is how ptsd works but I hate it so much. And what scares me is the fact that I could possibly be stuck with this for years. I am praying it gets easier within months of using my tools to get better but I just don't know, I feel as if I make little to no progress because i'm doing... so fucking bad.

I don't know how to explain it, it's like, you know those spiky little sticker ball things in the grass that stick to your shoes and socks?? Well it's like I have one of those stuck to my brain at all times, it holds all of my flashbacks, my anger, my hurt, and it keeps me on high alert for seeing my abuser's S/I somewhere online. And some people really are able to "just stop thinking about it" but my neurospicy brain is like "hi I cannot get this sticker off. wow this sucks. guess I'm just gonna focus on it whether you like it or not <3"

Like I would feel so much better if it wasn't in my head every single second I was alive. I don't want to have bad memories in my head. I don't want to have multiple triggers choking me. I want my comfort characters back without me crying and flinching at them anymore. I know this is a part of ptsd but literally if I just had my hyperfixation back to help me through all of this, then this wouldn't be as crippling

#vent #like. if i JUST had f/os again. my transformers f/os. i would feel better #even if it was just one single character. it used to be all of them but #even if i had just one!!! that i felt safe with !!!! i would have SOMETHING to hold onto #i feel so aimless without a passion #i feel so uninspired to create. i am never motivated to draw anymore #because i only ever draw self ship. i am never interested in fanart #but i cant bring myself to draw any ships #and i love other things besides tf like i love the sb musical obviously but #i am so. numb. to EVERYTHING that used to bring me joy. EVERY single thing #its as if i have this super strong steel wall surrounding me #and its keeping out anything that brings me happiness #and its trapping all of the fear/anxiety/anger/hurt inside of me #i really dont know what to do. im so scared it wont go away #im so scared that this will haunt me for the rest of my life #it took me 4 years to heal from my first abusive ex #and even she didn't ruin my f/os. but this ex-friend ruined EVERYTHING for me #what if it doesnt go away???? ive never lost f/os before i've never had Absolutely Nothing #i feel like a zombie every single day just barely going thru the motions

[sovonight]

.

#i wanted to find xan's epilogue slides so that i could talk about them and i failed but im talking abt them off my memory anyway #so: how is xan legally allowed to become charname's high priest when he still has the moonblade #like. that's corellon's thing. so what is the process of divorcing himself from that duty #previous conversations have emphasized that chances for him to be free of the moonblade are rare and difficult #so i assume charname as a new deity steps in and does that for him #but even if it's possible & easy: would xan give it up just like that? like he says multiple times that he hates the burden of the sword #but i keep thinking back to that 1 exchange abt secret names where xan explains his secret name literally means promised to the blade #and charname's like 'i prefer xan to your true name and i think so do you; it separates you from your moonblade' #and xan gets really quiet and he's like 'my name was a gift from my father. as was the moonblade' and the conversation instantly ends #like??? the blade is tied up in so much significance. is he really so ready to simp for goddess!charname that his filial piety disappears #like i know that immediately after u save him from bodhi he's like 'i will do whatever you want me to with my life' #and he's outright like 'if you want me to be your high priest when you ascend to godhood i'm 100% down' #but bro just for saving his life?? idk abt anyone else but i save his life on a daily basis. guy is always 2 hits away from death #maybe he's especially awed like 'wow charname took a potentially fatal blow for me' but my guy she does that every damn hour #she's a permanent member of the front line just to keep the aggro off of you. have some more appreciation for her everyday sacrifice #idk it's the way that he's been asking charname not to use her divine powers for 2 full games bc he fears it will consume her #and how he's been sighing longingly and going 'i wish we could have our wedding and a quiet life' #and then. suddenly. he's indifferent to / in full support of the goddess ending?? #like my guy are you aware that you're going to have to share her?? that she'll have other champions besides you?? #that you're never going to truly have her again? that the most you will have of her is her avatar and the visits she makes in your dreams #that you're abandoning the seldarine and might not get to see your parents in the afterlife ever?? #i do love the full devotion thing. i do. but xan's brand of devotion has always come with an asterisk #his and charname's values have to align even Somewhat for his romance to even happen #so what is this? ''if you get far enough in his romance his values no longer matter''? #''feel free to choose whatever ending you want bc at this point he'll just indulge you and go along with it''? #sorry did i romance a fucking reed in the wind?? if i wanted someone that bends to any and all whims xan would be the last person i picked #he's all 'i can't say no to you' now and i'm like *slumps over my desk* i miss when he was contrary about everything #the 'cant say no' thing is even worse if in the underdark you--no i wont get into it #sovo note

[ghoulbats]

has your icon always been divorced??????

it hasn’t!! my icon (and i) have only been divorced for 2 days and we are enjoying the single life

#(ignore the tears in my icon i definitely do not miss my ex wife) #someone sent me an ask about my icon like a day before i changed it so if that person sees this - #hi!! i’m not ignoring you!! i was just waiting until i had my old icon again so it made sense!! i’m sorry!! #but also thankyou!! <3 #but yeah no anon my icon used to have a frog hat to match jess and i said i’d change it next time we got divorced #and now here we are #i actually made another that said ‘she took the hat in the divorce’ which i liked more but it’s harder to read so #never fear the frog hat shall be back when one of us does something that makes the other propose again

[saltynsassy31]

I want to practice using other weapons cuz I've been using the Aerospray RG since forever now, it's the only one I use

I got too comfortable with it which is fine if I didn't want to try different weapons, but I don't know how any of the others work and I'm scared of looking like a fool to absolute strangers that I'll probably never interact with again

But the only way I can practice is by using it

And I don't have enough friends to do a private battle with, legit only got 2 who have vastly different timezones than me

Like come on man

#i just am a very anxious person #i have never ONCE done ranked #i feel too scared to try out new weapons #i stick to the same gear that has all the chunks ive carefully selected for my main #like dude #i really wish i had more friends #or just people in general that would help me practice #without me having to fear being judged #is that too much to ask? 😭😭😭 #splatoon #splatoon 3 #salty rants #also jesus fuck i spent WAAAAY too long on this drawing #just for a meme i will probably never use again gkskskaka #splatoon art #she isnt even my splatsona gkdkskak #shes just an oc ive been dressed as lately

[kyghostly]

i need to protect every teenage girl and kill all teenage boys.

#Genuinely I feel like I was just starting to feel comfortable going out with friends again #And then a group of 10-15 boys my age came over and started harassing us #Telling us “oh what we would do to you” #And following us in the dark #Luckily a group of nuns came by and then they backed off and talked to them #But I have never felt more anger and fear in my life. #the fact that this happens to every girl is just. #I rlly RLLY want to look more masculine and pass as a boy so these things don't happen to both me and my friends #the fact that it all happened near a church? while everyone was inside and praying and probably not paying attention? #The metaphors write themselves #As usual my mom is no help with telling us that they were just fooling around #She did give SOME advice but no comfort so 😑 #I rlly just. Sigh. I am so so tired #kyro.txt

[swordmaid]

AM thinking that if shri’iia had not been kidnapped by the nautiloid she would’ve still been tadpoled and enthralled by the absolute just because they were targeting drows and I’m thinking shri’iia’s matriarch had told her to investigate the drows that have disappeared like specifically a baenre highborn and her army disappeared when they went to the surface? that’s sus and her matriarch is like in everyone’s business anyway. SO in like a companion au if she isn’t recruited, shri’iia become one of the absolute goons you see in moonrise. probably a guard or something. likewise, i like to imagine in her playthrough she’s kind of like 🧍‍♂️ once they’ve visited moonrise and she saw that most of the guards there were the drows she was sent out to investigate. kind of like oh so THATS what happened to them. then when she finds that journal in ketheric’s desk talking abt how they were specifically targeting drow exiles she’s like …huh.

#but something about how the absolute promises love and power to her followers and how that would be SO appealing to lolth sworn drows bc #lolth is anything but that … like ik they’re all brainwashed but I’m so 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 at the concept of them being willing to jump ship when #they’re promised love bc it’s something that they don’t get from their goddess … #and lolth’s relationship with the drows being an allegory of domestic abuse bc she’s the reason why they were exiled at the first place … #and she treats them like dog shit and keeps them paranoid and fearful but they stay with her anyway #and to reroute it back to shri’iia - her projecting Lolth on The Matriarch and their relationship being similar in nature #but it’s less physical abuse and more of a mental manipulation #like her Matriarch keeping her isolated so shri’iia becomes codependent #which she DID. and she still is. so when she broke her oath she literally did not know what to do #then she goes into that whole journey of reclaiming her self agency bc she used to just think of herself #her person / her body as a vessel to carry out her Oath and her Oath was the only thing that mattered to her #and it DEFINED her. like that’s her entire existence. but now it’s gone so she has to learn be a person again or else she’ll spiral #so now she is…!! and it’s a long journey but one worth taking .. #also I imagine she never had any boundaries when it came to The Matriarch so she is def learning the power of the word No #and learning what she likes to do instead of being down for whatever the person wants to do #bc she just wants to please them so badly #every time I think of her animal sona I’m like a bunny would be so cute but lbr she is a dog. a hound even

[wickershells]

txt

#i just dont really know what to do. my friends never express concern for me and they never tell me they love me without overt irony or some #watering down of the sentence. they never reach out when i need them and everything they say is so detached and distant and cold #and maybe im just in my head again maybe its getting to the time of year when my life routinely falls apart moreso than all the other month #but i feel so abandoned all the time. and stupid. and unloveable. my friend once told me that her love for me would erode #whenever i vanished for mental health reasons so i stopped vanishing and started instead pushing through the illness and opening up more to #her but it was too much for her to handle and all my baggage almost ended our friendship so here i am vanishing again except this time with #the debilitating knowledge that every day she loves me less and less and less. if i am not there she stops loving me and if i am she stops #loving me. what do i do. my illness takes everything from me every damn thing. she wont call me but she bought a ticket to see me in januar #and i cant reconcile it. shes visiting her girlfriend and its the same price to come over here too so i guess why not. its not really #for me. we dont have plans to do anything for my birthday and i doubt she will offer and i dont want to be the one to do so like last year #i want someone to love me without me asking them to. i want to be able to trust people without having it broken. i want to feel like an #equal and not so inferior all the time. i'm not her best friend anymore. she doesnt tell me personal things she doesnt share everything #she used to with me. i try and try to start doing the things we used to but she doesnt do them. i shared my location again but she didnt #share hers. so i stopped again and she didnt even ask me why. she has not asked if im okay in weeks. if i vanished forever i dont think #she would even notice. i cant see her mourning the loss of me. i dont think i matter that much to her. and it is so painful #with both of my best friends i watch them gladly do things with other people and never do things with me unless i beg. i am constantly #excluded from their lives i am the outsider friend. and it is so damn lonely. and every time i'm presented w the opportunity to make new #friends i'm paralysed w fear because how many times have i lost people. i'm either too little or too much or both at once. constantly absen #or constantly sad and it's poisonous i feel poisonous. i'm not fit for community despite how desperate i am for it i just feel perpetually #undeserving. and so stupid and unsuccessful in comparison to them. i'm too much effort to be around and i get why i really do #even this it's just so much heaviness all the time i am such a burden. they just don't love me as much anymore. love lost #added to my family baggage and my dead childhood dog and the nothingness of my future i just can't see myself continuing i don't know what #to do. my parents don't support me my friends are never there the nhs is a joke i am actually genuinely alone lol #what if i can't recover. some people are destined not to. what if that's me. what if i am never happy. i'm never going to accomplish #anything i'm stuck here. stagnant and unmoving. the most disposable and useless person alive #sorry. will delete later as usual. but for reasons stated above i have nowhere else to put these thoughts #and i am drowning in them #vent