#but im just again so scared and ashamed and embarrassed like how do i explain to these assholes that im writing fantasy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

self-h-rmageddon · 2 months

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i used to be able to just like. yap for eternity like, it was my favorite thing ever!!

just go somewhere and TALK talk alone, talk for no one, talk til i had nothing to say anymore but recently ive noticed it makes me feel.. worse? like. i was supposed to just JERK OFF AND GO TO BED like . at 9 pm last night 💀 and i stayed up til like 3 am, ive just been talkin and i watched a movie, that was nice.. i miss it? something inside of me is really really sad right now and i cant quite figure out why. its like a weird puzzle, trying to navigate my brain cuz like i KNOW something wrong, but what? whats bothering me? idont understand. maybe im scared of annoying people again, but.. was i scared of that before too? i dont remember if i was or not. what do i even miss? i dont know, i miss? i dont know what i miss. i miss something, probably

maybe thats whats bothering me, i feel like ive lost something, do i feel like ive lost the ability to be comfortable just.. talking ? maybe a little.. some people followed me after i posted my spamton art and anytime that sort of thing happens, i always feel . i feel so horribly guilty!!! youve followed me for that, not to hear me chatter endlessly about whatever comes to my mind. i know i shouldnt care, but im just scared of annoying people, cuz i really do love to talk!!! i love talking about things i like, but.. something is holding me back? it feels like it, i dont know why. i think its just mental barriers. i was so up front and proud of how much i love spamton g spamton, how much i love A LOT of characters. then i made friends and i felt ashamed and embarrassed. is that all it takes? once you have a set of eyes on you that matters, you fold? i feel like that about a lot of things, maybe thats one of the reasons ive been quieter than im used to being

i think im scared, i think it scares me to imagine ever saying anything and having them be like. "eugh." like?? death id prefer death. without them even asking for it ive just kinda cut bits and pieces off to save myself from POTENTIAL rejection, the. i just want to be someone that is adored, as selfish as it is, of course ill change to get that

i think it sorta.. i . its hard to explain, but loving people when you have bpd feels like you will never ever be loved equally, because i have endless devotion and admiration, theres hardly a single thing i dont love about the people i care about, to the point where its a fault. ive let people get away with terrible things, just cuz i loved them so much i didnt care what happened to me. and sometimes it hurts real bad when i remember that the way i love isnt normal, no one could ever love me like that. its why im on edge, the fear of saying something wrong, the fear of cracking this image. they like me, dont they? what if i say something wrong and for even a small second they like me just a little bit less? it makes me chest hurt just thinking about it, its terrifying. if they like me less for a second, maybe.. the rose tinted glasses will shatter, maybe theyll realize im not all that great, maybe itll be over, gone, DONE. finished, ended . dead. i dont want that, its logical to do everything i can to avoid that right?

terrible fate, thats how i see it. the end of all things. worst possible thing to ever happen to me. id rather relive all my trauma over again than lose anyone, id rather anything else. the way i feel is extreme, but. im known for that i guess 💀 its fear, im scared. scared, what if im annoying? i get afraid of annoying STRANGERS, of course im terrified to annoy my best friends. annoying, maybe when im talking to myself about shit they dont care about, its just filler words. garbage, static , words from my mouth and it means nothing to them. isnt that thought so scary? it is to me, i hang on to every word, every stupid joke, every laugh and .

what do i feel now? im working myself up over something that hasnt even happened. ive upset myself over the IDEA of a problem, the thought that maybe something might be wrong. whatever. i think i have this intense loathing for myself, thats the thing?

with bpd, you split. yr thinking isnt clear, its black and white. painful, so painful, but.. im not some mindless monster that just lashes out. thats terrifying, id have no one if i did that right? so i split on myself instead, all that anger and pain is directed at me from inside, it rips me apart. suddenly i can see every flaw, every annoying thing ive ever done every awkward sentence, every joke that didnt land. every opportunity, every single thing that could take it all away from me. as innocent as they are it seems like genuinely theres these big ugly lacerations on my body every time i feel like im possibly maybe not being as charming as id hope to be, ugly scars that ward people off, my blood gets everywhere and it grosses them out, they scoot away an inch for every cut. i know its not true.. i make friends with good people!! the best people, it just.. its what im scared of, which in my eyes means that its true because if im scared of it, there msut be a reason why im scared ofit? it must be actively happening! every rejection of my being is a step closer to abandonment, i g

ive been doing really good, i think. im not so scared of being abandoned because ive been reassured over and over again and i dont have the heart to think past all that work thats been done for me. ive hardly thought about it, anytime i get scared i just remember the things that have been said to me, how secure my place is here. its true, surely.. but this fear is natural for me. its 2nd nature, this fear puts actions in motion to prevent abandonment. fear keeps me safe, keeps me in that little box i think people want me in. the little box that says im okay! im a good person, every aspect of me they can see in the box is enjoyable, who cares if i feel like i need to cut some pieces off to fit there?

i know in my heart its not what they want. im moving too fast, im bracing again. i just get scared, maybe im just needy. what, i need eyes on me? need to feel seen and appreciated with everything i do? if nothing else, at least THAT is 100% selfish, ive been doing better recently... but sometimes its hard not to fall back on those instincts

#this is so long guhh #just. need it off my chest so i can forget about it already #if i forget it wont hurt me until the next time i remember

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shysnowflake · 3 years

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"Purr For Me"- CAT!Xiao x GN!reader

hellooo!! So this time I'm offering you guys some fluffy yay! Please enjoy some cute meow meow moments with Xiao <33

btw,I changed Childe “ojou-chan” (young lady,girlie) since it’s gn,I hope you guys don’t mind.

Art credit: @MGPH__ on twt

""Summary: meow””

It was a calm afternoon for {name},they had finished all their commissions with success and now were waiting for Xiao in the Inn as they watched the sunset.

Xiao and {name} were in a relationship for 3 years and half now and things were going smoothly,he had many sides but didn't know how to express it which put them in a complicated spot for a while but,as time went by,Xiao started to get more comfortable and that was something that {name} was very proud and happy to witness.

{name} was pulled away from their thoughts when they heard a loud cat hiss coming from behind them,as they turn around they see Childe holding a what it seems to be a very unfriendly mint cat “Little cutie!! You are here,that’s good..very good actually” Childe greeted as he struggled with the agitated animal in his arms “Childe?!! What-? I have the impression that I don’t want to know the answer but,what it’s up with the cat?” {name} asks as they got closer to the man “ah yeah,funny story actually,but before that,what are you doing here?” “Me? I was just waiting for Xiao to get back from his- pfft” {name} suddenly start to laugh when they made eye contact with the cat thinking about how similar it looked with Xiao,specially since it had the same forehead mark “hm? Why the laugh cutie?” {name} composed themselves before answering “I'm sorry,it's just that this cat looks so similar to Xiao I couldn’t help it” “oh! Maybe it's because it’s actually him” “yeah probably….Wait WHAT?!” {name} is standing there in shook with what just came out of Childe’s mouth “What do you mean with it’s him?!” Childe,still struggling with the feline in his arms that refused to stay quiet begin to explain “so long story short, I ran up with Xiao on one of the hilichurls camp and decided it was a good idea to get closer to him while I gave him a little hand during the fights,the problem started when a witch appeared and tried to attack me with some weird magic thing, so I dodged but,well,Xiao was behind me and ended up getting the hit instead and now he is like this” {name} was concern about the situation, but they also were more confused than anything “why a cat?”.

They got a down a little and asked the cat “are you really Xiao?” the animal that was fighting with all his strength to escape from Childe’s grasp went quiet and just stared at them before answering “Meow” Both of the human were left staring at each other before asking at the same time “what do we do now?” and with that they were both left thinking about a possible solution “OH I KNOW! First you take this-” Childe said as he passed the cat or better saying,Xiao to {name} arms which he didn't resist it and just stayed quiet listening to their conversation “-Now I need to pass by Liyue harbor and ask Zhongli-sensei for help,I’m sure he knows something about this that could help us” {name} actually thought that was a great idea,who better to solve this problem then the oldest Archon himself “that actually sounds great,please solve the issue that you caused mister Childe” they said with an annoyed tone “yes yes,and you-” the young man said as he got down to talk to Xiao “-try biting me again and I will give you as a special ingredient to Xiangling” he finished with a fake smile on his face while Xiao tried to attack the man’s face but {name} hold him before he could “well then,im off,good luck with the wild animal little cutie” and left,leaving Xiao and {name} staring at each other “what do I do now” they thought to themselves.

“Xiao I swear to God if you run away one more time I-” they now found themselves trying to bathe Xiao in one of the round wood bathtubs of the Inn since he was extremely dirty and had some cuts over his body,but the cat seems to think different since from the moment he saw the tub he escaped from their grasp and is now running around the room “MEOW!?!” Xiao let it out a loud sound that could easily be translated it to “ARE YOU INSANE?” “Don’t you dare raise your meow at me old man! You're dirty and hurt from the battle so let me bathe you so then I can take care of your cuts” {name} said as they trapped the cat between the wall and lift him up in their arms with a tight grasp “MEOW!! MEOW MEOOW” the cat let it out as his lover took him to the tub and placed him in there.

Truth was that Xiao was embarrassed of being bathed by his lover,even if he was in this form,and for that reason he desperately tried to escape their arms and just as they successfully put him in the water he slipped out of it and run away… again.

They let it out a groan of frustration and said “Xiao listen to me,I need to bathe you so that your wounds don’t get infected and you get sick okay? So please come here and allow me to do that”{name} explained with a soft voice ,Xiao stared at them considering,his love did seem to be concerned about him, so him running away was only troubling them even more and realize that made him feel ashamed and childish for his actions.

The cat slowly approached {name},still felling incredibly embarrassed of being take care of by his lover since he was the one that usually did that, and rubbed his head against their hand “Are you ready now?” “Meow” “I will take that as a yes then” they said picking him off the floor and placing him in the warm water of the tub which made him relax immediately but still be aware of his surroundings,{name} took one of the cloths and proceed it to give Xiao a very relaxing bath.

“Done!!! Look at you-pfft” {name} had finally finished bathing and attending Xiao’s wounds and was admiring the cat in front of them that was wearing a lilac lace around his neck and had an irritated expression on his face “Meow,meow?” “Yes,I do think this is very fun and you look beautiful so don’t worry about it” they answered the animal while they got the bed ready for them,{name} decided it it was better to stay the night at the Inn since they still need it to talk to Childe about the situation in the morning “come here” they said while tapping on their side pillow, Xiao seems hesitant but eventually gave in and hop on the bed laying besides his lover, {name} placed their hand behind his ear carenssing making him purr and lean in their direction for more contact “Even if this is not the best situation,today was fun right?” they said while they gave up to the exhaustation and fell asleep,Xiao stayed awake for a while before slowly snuggle even more into their arms allowing himself to relax,for him, the idea of being taken care of was new, but he liked, the felling of having someone that cared and were there for him was really nice and with this thought both of them slept peacefully during the night.

“What is even that?” {name} asked with a weird expression on their face,they were now talking with the Geo Archon, and he presented a weird solution which was to apply some odd shiny blue powder over Xiao’s body that would make him go back to normal “this was a present from a powerful sorcerer I used to know,but I must say I'm not aware of the side effects involved in it” Zhongli explains,{name} look down at the cat in their arms and asked “are you sure you still want to do it? We can search for other ways,safer ways” “meow!” Xiao was determined to get his human form again,this was too pathetic for him to bear “awn! Even when he looks so small and wear such a pretty lace he is still a warrior inside” Childe that was standing next to them made a joke making Xiao try to jump at him but being hold back,again,by {name} “Quiet you two, Childe did you bring Xiao clothes and spear?” “Yes,here it is” the Fatui said while placed them on the table “good,now {name} put him down and let’s begin” they let the cat go that stopped in the middle of the room “Now,I’ll start to apply it,ready?” Zholgli said as he got down “meow” and with applying the archon meant just turn the whole cup of powder on Xiao’s body making the room fill up with a blue smoke “What the- cof cof,Xiao are you okay?” {name} asked trying to see him in all that smoke “Yes,I’m fine” the deep and stern voice made it’s presence as the smoke stared to fade away “that's great- waah” they are surprised by a pair of hands covering their eyes “oh no” Childe whispered as he tight up the ‘blindfold’ around their eyes “sorry cutie,you can’t look now,if you know what I’m talking about” {name} understanding what he meant felt their cheeks heat up and just let it out a tiny ‘okay’.

But the silent atmosphere is soon cut off by Childe suddenly loud laugh coming from behind them and Xiao angered voice “What the hell is this?” {name} worried about what had happened to Xiao start to fight Childe grasp “What happened? Childe let me go!” “Well,I believe that’s what we call side effects little cutie” Childe said still laughing and removed his hand from their eyes

The first thing they notice was Zhongli peacefully drinking his tea in the corner of the room not seeming to care about a thing in the world,but their eyes soon fall on the man standing in the middle the room shirtless leaving his back tattoo and battle scares out in the opening,however that wasn't the problem,the problem was the fact the Xiao still had the cat ears and the tail on him “oh my God!” {name} said,to them,he looked adorable,specially since he still had the lace around his neck “don’t blame me,I warn you about the side effects” Zhongli calm voice said while Childe was still laughing “Isn't he cute?!” he made fun of the adepti “That’s it! I'm killing you right here right now!” Xiao said as he grabbed his spear but Childe didn't seem to be scared of death and continue to tease him “try me kitten” and with that they started to run around the room “just don’t break anything please” The Geo Archon says,still enjoying his tea “Zhongli how long do you think the uhm, Side effects are going to last?” they asked “hmm.. I would give a month and a half” the two grown man stopped frozen at their place “A MONTH AND A HALF?” all of them say at the same time “this is going to be a crazy month” {name} thought to themselves.

#genshin impact #genshin headcanons #genshinfanfic #genshin xiao #xiao x reader

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hyperesthesias · 3 years

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warnings: nsft 18+ ; allusions to past sexual assault. ; really fucking tragic. legit made myself cry. ; no proofreading.

words: 2.9k

summary(?): the one time crosshair finds happiness, it goes horribly awry. something of a study about how the clones are treated like droids, and how neither of them have any rights or autonomy.

notes: this isn’t really formatted necessarily, but i had to get this out so i could focus on another piece of writing im working on. feedback is always appreciated!

fic idea where the bad batch are sent on a prolonged stealth training mission before the official start of the clone wars and they wind up staying at this shady inn. crosshair breaks his arm and shoulder and stays there alone while the others move ahead with the mission. he meets the inn’s VERY shady owner and his blind server droid, ADA-565, a female looking droid of a type he’s never seen before. she’s very skittish and soft spoken, especially around the inn’s owner. later that evening the inn’s owner offers ADA to crosshair as a pleasure droid. it both confuses and insults crosshair deeply, but he allows ADA into his room.

He takes her into his room and she seems to know her way around it very well, he remarks how he’s never seen a droid like her before, and she says her line has been discontinued for many years. She doesn’t know what happened to her sisters, but she heard that any remaining ADA’s that had been found by the manufacturer were recalled and ‘decommissioned’. When he asks why, she says they were neurally defective -- she goes onto explain that the ADA’s neural networks began to grow and expand beyond that which they’d been calibrated for. Crosshair doesn’t immediately understand the extent of what she means, but he understand she’s very different than any droid he has met before, and he says as much. She assumes he is attempting to flirt with her and she says there’s no need to flirt, that she will have sex with him regardless -- it’s what she was programmed for. He is immediately taken aback and disgusted when he begins to put together she is sad, even scared. She is not a droid at all, he comes to the conclusion, she’s more of a person locked in a metal and plastoid body. He tells her he doesn’t want to have sex with her, he wanted to separate her from the owner so he could speak to her, he wants to free her. “There isn’t much of a point,” she says, “Even if I am free, if I am found, I will die.” She sounds like a clone, he thinks. Or clones sound like droids -- and he’s not sure which is worse.

He offers for her to stay with him in his room as a reprieve from the owner. She thinks, and considers, and agrees. She searches her way around the room and finds the chair in the corner, he offers to take it instead and she can have the bed, if she wanted to sleep -- does she sleep? She laughs, and it takes him off guard, he doesn’t hear much laughter, especially from a woman. She can sleep, she says, but she never gets much of it. He understands. More than he should.

Two months go by and as his arm heals, he finds he’s gotten close to Ada, she’s become more of a confidant than he’s ever had before, a friend, rather than a brother like he’s used to. She has begun to trust him almost instinctively, and she’s fascinated with the concept of his heightened eyesight. He often describes the sunsets to her. He’s horribly uncomfortable at first when she asks him to describe himself to her, but the way her hands feel his features -- she’s cold, but her fingers begin to warm the longer she lingers against his skin -- he states he looks much different than the rest of the clones, that he’s...defective, too.

He continues to let her ‘sleep’ in his room, and at one point she remarks that she’s cold. He asks if she’d like him to sleep next to her, and she agrees. She is terribly cold, and when he asks if she can feel she tells him she can, but not like he can -- but she can still feel, hear, sing. She likes singing, and he’s noticed she’s very good at it, though it sounds different than any human voice he’s heard.

They begin to have conversations about what they want in life -- if they even can want things in life. “What is it that you want? Not what you’re...programmed to do?” he asks, almost as if he’s asking himself. It takes her a long time to answer. But the way his hand is stroking her shoulder, the feel of his warm breath against her face, it soothes her and it reminds her of a recurring dream she holds onto. “I want to see the lake.” “Lake?” “I’ve heard many patrons talk about a lake near here. They say it’s beautiful -- especially in spring. I wish I could see it, the rocks, the trees, the flowers. I wish I could live there. I wonder what flowers smell like.” “You’ve never smelled a flower?” he grins, and remembers the first time he got a waft of the open air -- only six months ago. It surprised him, it felt dry at the back of his throat, but it made his brain alight. “I can’t smell,” she says, almost embarrassed, ashamed. This surprises him, too. “What do you smell like?” she giggles. He laughs -- he find he can laugh with her. It’s strange, odd, but a welcome uncertainty. “Ozone. A lot of it. Blasterfire, grime, dust.” She laughs. “Maybe it’s better i can’t smell after all.” He rolls his eyes and strokes her face. When did she become so beautiful? Had she always been?

Two weeks later he gets word the mission was a begrudging success -- it was a difficult mission, but they’d be returning to the inn within two days time. He’s...disappointed, and he’s not sure why. Until he gets it all at once -- and he hates himself for it: pretending he could have a life, pretending he could be something he’s not. Pretending he could actually be...a person. It sets him in a foul mood, and it troubles Ada, especially when he’s curt with her. She’s offended, and leaves him alone for a while, until he seeks her out. She’s sitting outside at the back of the inn, she’s sitting in the sunlight, feeling the warmth of it on her skin. He sits next to her and explains his brothers are coming back -- which means he’s leaving, too. She doesn’t respond for a while, but after a few minutes she puts her head on his shoulder and holds his hand -- as though if she held him tight enough, he wouldn’t leave, that he’d stay, that they’d disappear together somewhere wonderful, somewhere by the lake.

He takes her chin with his finger, and presses his head to hers -- to his surprise, she knows what a Keldabe Kiss is, “I do still have a database,” she grins and chuckles. She leans a little further into him, until he presses his lips to hers. He holds her close to him. “I know what I want,” she says. “Are you sure?” he asks. “I’ve never been sure about anything in my life, but I have no question -- no question when it comes to you.” He’s never been chosen before, by anyone or anything, he’s never been loved.

“I’ve never had sex before,” she says, “I’ve been used for sex, but I’ve never...been a participant.” There is terrible shame in her voice, and she can’t bring her face anywhere towards him, it’s hidden into her shoulder. It angers him, to hear her speak of what she was put through, what she was created for. It’s different, it’s...not the same as his own creation, but the parallel is undeniable. That angers him, too. He caresses one finger against the crown of her head, pushing her hair back -- he wants to see her, he wants her to know he sees her. That he wants to. No matter what. She finally leans into his hand and he cradles her face. “If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t, either.” She smiles.

He’s so gentle with her, he takes her pace, her cue. He asks her to show him where, he wants to learn. No one had ever thought to bring her pleasure, no one had ever considered it. His mouth doesn’t want to leave her -- any part of her, the metal of her skin, the warmth of where her heart would be, of her middle. The way he touches her, where he touches her -- “It’s right here, the center of me,” she puts his hand to just above her navel, where she is the most sensitive, where the bundle of wires lay just beneath -- it’s all intentional, it’s all full of passion, intensity. She’s never experienced anything like it -- she feels like she’s full of stars, full of light and brightness, energy that cannot be contained, and she wonders if not for a moment, if this is what it felt to be human. Ada lies there, once her world stops spinning, once the two of them are spent and exhausted and elated, and can think of nothing but humanity, what it means to feel -- what it means to be. To be with someone she loved. To love and to live therein.

He tends to her carefully, softly, sweetly, and together they fall asleep; she, safe in his arms.

The day his brothers arrive, Crosshair pulls Tech aside and demands a favour -- and despite Tech’s tiredness, he agrees when Crosshair offers to clean and settle his gear. “What exactly is this favour?” “I need you to put Ada’s eyesight back together.” “ADA? You mean the droid? I’ve never seen anything quite like it,” he thinks aloud, “but I can do it.” “Her name...is Ada.” Tech has never seen his brother quite so attached to anyone or anything, besides his wordless devotion to rest of his batchmates. It takes him back, but he agrees, despite.

Ada will only allow Crosshair to switch off her power, and makes him promise to stay by her side, to make sure nothing happens. She’s never been so willingly vulnerable -- especially allowing someone to poke around in her head. Crosshair swears both protection and fealty to her, and lets her get comfortable in a soft chair before he gently switches off her power on the back of her neck. “Goodnight, cyrae,” he whispers. Tech now sees there is something...disturbingly different about ADA. He sees his brother’s attachment and cautions him against attachment, they will be leaving in two days time. “Just get it done,” he tells him.

The moment Ada opens her eyes again, her vision is a white and color blotched blur -- with a tan and black and silver blur right in front of her. It’s talking to her, and she recognizes his voice instantly. As she begins to focus, she sees Crosshair with his hands on either side of her face. He’s searching her -- making sure she can see. Her eyes are no longer dark, but illuminated with a solid yellow-white color. “Cyrae? Can you hear me? Can you see me?” The image in front of her becomes clearer and she smiles -- it’s reactive, instinctual, to smile at the sight of her lover. Her hands go to his face and she holds him carefully, like small bird egg, that he would break if she touched him too harshly. “I see you -- I can see you!” She throws her arms around him and falls to her knees, they embrace, holding each other while knelt on the floor. “Is this what it feels like? To cry with joy? It’s such a strange feeling.” Crosshair kisses the side of her head and holds her arms as she stands. Tech performs some visual tests and clears his work as good, before he leaves his brother alone with the droid. With Ada. He figures the happiness -- however brief it might be -- would be beneficial to his morale. He leaves quietly and says not a word to his other brothers.

“Come with me,” he says, his head pressed against hers, “Come with me.” ��Where would i go? How would I hide? I can’t.” “I’m not leaving you here, i’m not leaving without you free.” Ada agrees, knowing his fealty will ensure her safety, even if they were parted in the end.

The morning the batch are shipping out, Crosshair is disturbed from his duties with a shrill scream that comes from the back of the inn -- Ada’s scream. With a blaster in hand, he runs to find the inn owner with Ada by the neck. The owner swings her around and uses her as a shield. Crosshair can make the shot, he knows he can -- but the owner drags Ada out the back and throws her in a speeder and takes off. Crosshair commandeers the one beside it and takes off after him. The pursuit leads them through the marketplace, through stalls and alleyways, all the way to the outside of town. He can’t take a shot at the vehicle at the risk of injuring Ada, he creeps up next to it, and tries nudging the speeder to get him to slow down, to get him off course. But the owner shoves back, and pushes Crosshair’s speeder away. The owner pushes again and again -- focused on getting Crosshair to tailspin. He doesn’t see the pole before its too late -- Crosshair desperately tried pushing the speeder out of its way, but the speeder wraps itself around the metal.

“Ada!” he screams over the horrific screeching crunches as metal twists with metal twists with Ada. He jumps off the speeder and runs to her. She’s trapped in the wreckage. He pulls metal and carcass apart until he gets to her. She’s impaled with a piece of the chassis, she cries out when he removes it from her torso. He pulls her out and leans her against the wreckage. He’ll get his brother, he says, he’ll help. “There’s nothing he can do.” Her entire right side is crushed. She’ll need spare parts, there aren’t any in existence. She’s clutching his shoulder, the shell of him is breaking. They both know, there isn’t much time. “I know what I want,” she says. “What is it that you want?” his voice has never sounded so desperate, it hasn’t since.

Shes’ barely hanging onto any life that’s still circulating within her, but she’s clinging to it -- the minutes and seconds she has left with her lover. She’s in his arms, staring at his face, staring at the blue sky above him, the white clouds -- she’d almost forgotten what they looked like, their beauty. She knew them only from memories that’d turned into dreams. But this was no dream.

Crosshair leans her against the biggest, most beautiful tree he can find that overlooks the lake. There are birds that circle the water, that dive for fish, for a moment she smiles. If she had tears, they would have been stinging her eyes, staining the plastoid of her face. Crosshair sits next to her, watching the life transpiring around them, the irony biting him in the jugular. He’s bleeding without spilling a drop -- of blood or tears. She holds his hand, their palms resting in the green grass, the white clover buds. “I’m glad I was happy. I’m glad I had you.” He looks at her, the shell’s cracks widening. “I want you to do it,” she says. He hates that he knows what she means, his eyes close and his head falls. “I don’t want to wither,” she says. He can’t refuse her, “Just tell me when.” She leans against him, watching the clouds go by. If all her life she’d had nothing but fear, but brokenness, if all her life she longed for the sweet feeling of lake air brushed against her skin, if all her life she’d wanted to love and be loved, she felt her life had culminated. If all her life she’d been a conduit, it was fitting the end of her life would be with her innards exposed. She nestles her face into him and holds his arm. The pain grew -- unbearable, seething and seeping, like a scream -- and her vision began to blur. “I’m ready.”

Fragments barely keeping themselves together, Crosshair nods and kneels beside her. She takes the one hand she has left and caresses his face -- he’s warm, warmer than he’s ever been; hot with the holding of grief. “I love you,” she says and kisses him. He kisses her, and he feels if he kissed her hard enough, deeply enough -- long enough -- he could save her life essence, he could retain a part of her, keep her with him, safe and painless -- here, forever. “I love you,” he whispers as he pulls away, cradling her head in his hand; he’d never uttered such words before, and he’s never spoken them since. His thumb caresses her head as he presses his head to hers one more time; he can feel her nod beneath him.

His finger squeezes and her power switch is flicked off. The light fades from her eyes, and she goes limp in his arms.

He leans her against the tree and rests her there, hand in her lap, leg outstretched in front of her.

He sits beside her with one arm leaned against his knee. His face buried in his hand, he breaks apart completely.

Crosshair leaves Ada in a place he believed would comfort her for eternity -- he leaves her beneath the tree, overlooking the lake, flowers in her lap, blossoms behind her ear.

When he returns to his brothers, he does not speak. They ask him nothing.

Crosshair has never returned, but for dreams.

#tbb crosshair #bad batch #ct 9904 #clone trooper crosshair #the bad batch #crosshair fic #bad batch fic #tbb fic #*#'i'm never gonna write this fic i might as well write out the summary!!!!!!'#proceeds to write three thousand fucking words of a sUmMaRY #i am a 🤡#ada 565

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oh-for-fic-sake · 4 years

Text

A Climb Chapter Two

Superman catches you again this time he follows through then delivers you to Clark.

Masterlist

Chapter One

Warnings:Adult situations +18, Slight Smut, Spanking ,Slight Daddy kink

A Climb Chapter Two

was two weeks later and you'd all but forgotten about your little interaction with the man of steel, well forgot repressed one of the two. You found yourself on a job with Clark, a bog standard peice on the the air quality in down town and you decided a birds eye veiw of traffic would suffice for the image maybe if you could get a traffic jam? That would be ideal. You made your way through town with him.

"So I want to do a birds eye view of downtown traffic, I was thinking by the shopping quater, you know where the shitty new intersection is?" He have you a side glance confused

"Yeah we could get a helicopter or somthing?" he said giving you a side glance you shook your head

"Nah no need I can find somewhere" he frowned at you stopping taking hold of your arm making you stop and face him

"Really theres no balconies there tho how would you get it?" You chuckled at him patting his arm always the sweet worry wort.

"Dont you worry Im a good climber Im sure I will find a way" his grip tightedn on your arm and he shook his head

"Absolutly not! no you are not risking your life for a photo we will do something else" you frowned that sounded familiar but you didn't dwell on it to irritated.

"Hey whoa I can do it Ive done it before-"

"I said no! You better not its to dangerous" he sounded stern you'd never seen him like this before, sweet lovable Clark trying to put his foot down? hell you didn't think he had it in him.

"Im serious" you sighed at him knowing you probably wont get any where with him

"Fine I wont god I will do something else" you said still intending to do it just without him knowing going to walk on he tugged you back to him pointing an accusing finger in your face.

"You say that like I dont know your still gonna try... I mean it y/n...You-you do and your ass is mine." You frowned tilting your head to stare at him

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you disobey me on this and I'm gonna toast your ass your not climbing. You could fall and then what? No not going to happen" You took a step back blushing brightly at his words he gave you a look he was serious.

"What the fuck you sound just like the boyscout"

"Boyscout?" You scoffed tugging your arm free and walking around him

"Nevemind doesnt matter" he growled at your dismissal following you into the office. Nothing else was mentioned that day but you was seething for two reasons one how dare he threaten you like that and two how dare your body get aroused over it....So you will admit you have a crush on the big teddy bear, well if you call being hoplessly in love with him a crush. You packed up your things up still in a temper as Clark came up behind you tall and brooding.

"Y/n I meant what I said earlier dont do it I will find out." You sighed then turned to him smileing bright

"Good night Clark see you tomorrow" then slipped away from him and out of the building. Once home you changed and headed out down towards the shopping quarter, it wasn't long befor you found yourself 12 stories up on one of the flat roofs laying on your front head behind the camara hanging over the edge taking photos of the manic traffic so focused on the task you didnt notice a certain hero landing behind you until.

"HOLY SHIT!" you jumped rolling over as someone tapped you with there foot, laying on your side you glared at him

"YOU? Again? Are you fucking mad?! What the hell you sneaking up on me for-Hey wait what are you doing?" The fire was sucked out of your second question as he just sighed hoisting you up one arm around your waist you wiggled and kicked out

"Hey let go! Put me down!" you tried beating on his abdomen but just hurt your own hands.

"What did I warn you last time?" You froze as he sat on a low brick wall taking you across his lap. You screeched finally realizing what he had planned.

"No! nonononono stop its for work! Please it was for work dont Spank me I'm sorry! Dont you dare touch me!!" you tried scrabbling away hissing and screeching like a banshee swaying between sounding scared and small to firey and livid , you was silenced momentarily by a swift slap on the backs of your thighs. You quickly tried to smother your back end with your hands

"Yes Clark told me to watch out for you tonight he also told me that he'd warned you against climbing." You frowned

"CLARK!? As in Kent? How the hell do you know him?!"

"I've been doing interviews for him and Lois for months" he explained casually...you had completely forgot about that

"Wait hold on You spoke to him? When? How the hell did you start talking about me? Did-did you tell him to-IT WAS YOU!! YOU TOLD HIM TO THREATEN TO SPANK ME?!?" He chuckled if only you knew

"Somthing like that yes...They have both told me about you in past interveiws, the photographer who is always jumping in head first I wasn't convinced until I found you on the crane. Clark wasnt happy when I let him know what you've been upto so I may have suggested a solution." You kicked out trying to twist away from him but he took it all in his stride.

"How dare you!? you are not my fucking keeper and neither is he!! I don't have to answer to either of you now let gooo!"

"You are not going anywhere until I have met out your punishment. And you want to hope that Clark doesnt decided to add to it he was very angry... He loves you ,you know" you froze turning to face him blushing your heart fluttering befor shaking your head

"Wh-what? Bullshit" he collected your hands in one holding them behind you

"Yes he does thats why he asked me to look out for you and after this I will be dropping you off to him, I'm sure he will have alot to say knowing just how naughty you have been" you squirmed around trying to break free from him only now realizing that he had captured your hands but to no avail.

"NOO! no please please don't do that"

"Do what? spank you or hand you over?"

"Both!" He sighed and tilted you forward striking your bottom his large hand covering it entirely you yelped loud as another spank was placed then another igniting a quick burn in the seat of your sweats quickly one after another was placed and you cried and yelped each time as the heat built very quickly yet you could feel your panties getting damp as each jolt of his palm forced you to clench making your clit throb below you. He was methodical and patient he took his time rubbing soothingly between spanks as he carefully brought your ass to a stinging throb. You whined low embarrassed as you could felt yourself heating up all over your nipples hard rubbing against your bra as you rocked forward with each well placed open palm on you bottom. It hurt burned even but not as much as it could have.

"I hope you feel ashamed of your self right now, I have never had to resort to this with anyone ever. Your just a naughty little brat!" his scolding made you groan, his words went straight to your clit that was straining against your wet panties you rubbed your thighs together slightly trying to ease your arousal. He paused pulling down your sweats you bucked harshly wriggling trying to throw him off but he just held tight tucking the waist band down your thigh's before peppering stinging hot slaps across your twitching thighs. you cried fat tears falling as it sunk in just how humiliating this was. He paid no mind concentrating on the task at hand trying to hold back his excitement as he glimpsed your damp panties leaving bright red hand prints all across your thighs and bottom painting it red. You withered under his palm kicking out and wailing as he blistered your ass efficiency finally giving in you mewled loud weeping slumped across his lap no longer trying to escape but just taking it crying your heart out.

"Pl-please I'm sorry I wont do it again please!" How could this have been your fantasy? being spanked until you truly cry with no hope of getting away, you covered your face partly in humiliation as even as the thoughts crossed your mind your walls were twitching rippling in on themselves throbbing hot and leaking even with your burning bruised bottom somewhat on display

"There not such a brat now with a hot bottom are you? are you going to behave now?"

"Y-yes pl-please stop it hurts pleeeeaasse!" you felt mortified as you begged feeling another small flood of arousal stick your panties to your puffy lips, wetting your clit making you moan into your hands you were going to cum. You gasped through your tears as the thought struck you. You couldn't, you held back clenching tight trying to stop the warmth coiling in your tummy a punishment in itself trying to hold back not wanting to humiliate your self like that in front of any one least of all him. What if he told Clark? he'd think you was a freak. He left one final heavy spank across the bottom curve of your swollen red cheeks almost catching your pussy making it twitch so close to cumming on him that you began crying almost hysterically. He pulled up your sweats tilting you up right in front of him still sobbing holding your face wiping your face trying to stop the tear gathering your bag he tucked his arm below your sore ass making you hiss."Hold on" was all the warning you got before he took of from the roof heading back to the residential side of town landing on the roof. Placing you on your feet handing you your bag and opened the fire escape that lead into the building.

"Number 14 and I will be out here watching, if I have to come in there then you will get another spanking" you whined looking up at him pathetically.

"P-please take me home- I d-don't want to-"

"Get in there now young lady!" you squeaked running through the door not wanting to argue and risk getting another ass whopping from him. Once inside you crept down the stairs you knew where Clark lived, you'd been here a few times for coffee or going threw photos with him for the articles. You sniffed wiping your nose and eyes trying to pull yourself together you sighed and knocked quietly on his door head down not entirely sure what to expect you didn't have long to dwell on it as he opened the door standing aside

"In" was all he said you shuffled in past him as he slammed the door shut you jumped whimpering feeling tears well again as you fidgeted in front of him.

"He told me already...Why? why did you disobey me?" you shrugged not looking up feeling ashamed that superman had aready told him what had happened. He lifted your face to look at him the crossed his arms

"Y/n I wont ask again" you avoided his eyes shifting from one foot to the other.

"I just wanted to get a good photo.... wasn't that high." he locked his jaw tilting his head to the side before snapping at you

"High enough!! and if you fell, you know Im glad I asked him to watch out for you! I was terrified when he told me he found you up a fucking crane. A crane? y/n, but I though that a near death experience and a threat from him would do it but no, you just go running off doing what you want." you looked up at him

"Clark stop I'm hurt and upset and don't need a lecture from you! the only reason I'm here is because he made me. quit yelling at me!!"

"I know that, and Im glad he seems to have left an impression because thats what you need!"

"And how do you know what I need? WHy do you care anyway? no one asked you to!! just butt out!!" you shouted stomping at him throwing your bag to the floor wiping your eyes,upset, frustrated aroused and still confused as fuck. He squared his shoulders

"No I will not but out!!" you gripped your hair just about read to cry again

"Why?!"

"Because I love you!" you gasped at him stepping back

"What?" you asked quietly shaking your head trying to back away he followed pulling you to him in a tight hug tucking you below his chin trapping you.

"I love you and I don't want to loose you, thats why I wont butt out, not any more, fuck sake I got superman to keep and eye out, I thought it'd be enough. Knowing that he was watching you, but its not. I want to be there, to look after you, protect you myself" you sniffled then wrapped your arms around him wetting his shirt with your silent tears shaking with your sobs everything was catching up to you, he sighed rubbing your back.

"I didn't mean to, I just wanted it to be good I was careful, I always am I promise"

"You were hanging off the side y/n thats not being careful" he scolded lightly hoisting you up getting you to wrap your legs around him you hissed as his hands settled on your ass he chuckled.

"Wow he did do a number on you huh? I can feel the heat through these bottoms" you flushed tucking your face into his neck.

"Claaarrk stop" you whined he just continued to his bed room taking you with him kissing your head.

"I'll let you off this time as he has done my job for me, but don't expect it again and Ive asked him to keep an eye out for you from now on" you nuzzled him as he laid down with you on his bed before pulling off your trainers and sweats you blushed trying to cover yourself not wanting him to see proof of you punishment he batted your hands away then whistled low

"Wow he really did lay into you..I can see why you came down he like he told you to...remind me to thank him." you pouted at him

"Nooo stooop it" rolling over hiding your face as he poked the underside of your cheeks peeking out from your panties. Before he leaned down placing a quick kiss on each making you jolt up he only pushed you back down trailing kisses up your back then sucked on the back of your neck you whined feeling his weight on top of you tilting your head to the side.

"Cl-clark what?-" he shushed you then started suckling lightly lathering your neck with his tongue and teeth you gasped rubbing your thighs together the feeling of his trousers on your hot skin made it sting in the best way your clit began throbbing you grinded it against the covers below you sighing, your not sure just how this happened but you didn't care in this moment choosing to indulge. He pulled back rocking lightly against you holding your hips still making you moan, spreading your legs trying to make him slip between them he did placing his knees at your thighs spreading them.

"And whats this?" you snapped out of it realizing your mistake trying to close your legs but it was to late as he moved a hand to your soaked panties, you tried dragging yourself from under him but he placed a solid hand to the curve of your back prodding at you, you arched keening as his fingers began to explore rubbing slow circles slowly building you up, you panted unable to stop rocking on him, coating your slit in your own arousal pulling his hand up before your face letting you see your own mess coating his fingers you turned away mortified he rolled beside you with a cheeky grin still waving his coated fingers in front of you.

"I wonder what caused this then? seems someone has a little secret" he wiped it off on the pillow by your face digging his fingers into your sore ass massaging a little making you moan

"Ah, I know maybe my little spitfire has just wanted to be tamed all along? I should have known, all the bratting and false bravado was just to get daddies attention... well now you have it, and you'll have to endure it" you tensed as his voice lowered as he whispered in your ear you shuddered before leaning in kissing him innocently at first but quickly taking your breath away as he cupped the back of your head tasting you it felt like he trying to devour you just as quick as it began he pulled back with a cheeky grin.

"Good night babe" he lied down on his side dragging you close holding you against him.

"Wh-what Clark hey don't- you can't go to sleep now?" he peeked an eye open at you

"Your not getting to cum tonight oh no after the stunt you pulled? or have you forgotten. Maybe tomorrow if you behave" you gaped at him slapping him lightly

"Noo thats not fair Clark you cant just leave me like this!" he gave a quick slap to your ass making you jolt against him

"Ouch!"

"Carry on you'll get another, now sleep we can talk in the morning" you pouted wriggling deeper into the covers

"Hey Clark... I-I love you to" you placed a quick kiss on his chest he just smiled hugging you closer.

"Good, now sleep"

#superman smut #superman x reader #superman x you #dc x y/n #dc x you #dc x reader #clark kent x y/n #clark kent x you #clark kent x reader #superman imagine #clark kent imagine

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pinkfurygiver · 3 years

Text

Rafe Cameron x Reader

This my first attempt, I’m foreign so excuse me if there are some spelling or/and grammar errors. Have fun (Y/N)!

Summary: Rafe and (Y/N) are really close friends (or maybe more?), and he usually sneaks in her room at night but this time something is different: he is covered in blood. (Y/N) is aware about his drug addiction, and even if she is still mad at him she decides to help him.

Tw: mention of drugs, underage drinking, blood. (Let me know if more)

“It’s three in the morning” (Y/N) said, feeling guilty that she left her room without telling her parents a thing. She wasn’t like that, not before him, she was the good daughter. The girl never went skinny dipping in the night, never talked back or neither did something to unplease the other. But since Rafe came in her life she become a trouble maker, always jumping out of her window to meet him and not caring about other opinions anymore. With him she felt so free, so free to be her true self. Always on the edge of time. Rafe made her stomach hurt, especially when he’s gentle touch met hers; she always felt like a dose of serotonin was injected in her vein.

But this time was different: she didn’t want to jump. Actually, she didn’t even considered doing so. It wasn’t strange for Rafe to call her that late in the night to meet her, but since the last time (Y/N) decided that she was fed up with his little game. If he wanted to spent some time with her then he could do it in the day time, maybe at the beach or somewhere else. She started to belive he was ashamed of being seen with her, and that hurted like a bitch.

“It’s home time, dumbass” She said, getting up of her bad with her blanket on her shoulders, because even if it was still summer, that night was pretty cold.

She looked out of her window, looking outside, with her phone still pressed against her cheeck.

Rafe was right next her gazebo, with his back on the wood of the construction looking right at her direction. She couldn’t see him properly because of the darkness, but she felt like something was about to go wrong.

His body language told her that something was wrong. He didn’t call her for some cuddles, he needed her. Even if she was still mad as hell with him now she decided to help him, ready to jump out of the window.

“This couldn’t wait until the morning?” She asked, trying to brake the tension between then with a fake smile on her face and a giggle. She opened her window and proceeded to jump on the green wet grass of her garden. Her window was on the first floor, so it wasn’t that hard to do this action and of course she had become a professional then. Her ankle hurted a bit, but she didn’t care: the goals was to figure out what was going on.

“I left you multiple missed calls” He mumbles, still not meeting her eyes. He was looking at the ground, messing with his own hair.

“Yeah, sorry I was sleeping” (Y/N) said, a little sarcastic. What else was she supposed to do? “Can you at least look me in the face?” She snapped, wanting his full attention.

And when he did face her, her heart almost stop. The beautiful face she always looked up in her mind when she missed him was now replaced with this now image: his mouth was full of blood, and the red stains cover his face arriving even on his cheecks. He didn’t even bothered cleaning him self or covering the blood, maybe thinking that wasn’t necessary. (Y/N) mind wondered if that was his blood or if he had fought someone.

The anger become to grow inside her chest, looking at the boy’s eyes with rage. What the hell had happened to him? (Y/N) knew that if he wasn’t at the police station to report the aggression was because that aggression was either his foult or was caused by illegal factors. And (Y/N) started to belive that the drugs was part of the equipment.

“Tell me this- She started, pointing with her chin to the mess his face was- has nothing to do with that Pugue-drug dealer” She begged, trying to hold his cheeck on the palm of her hand. He flitched, taking a few steps away. He didn’t denied the accusations, so (Y/N) figured out that was exactly what she feared. “Look, I dont need a lecture right now. I just need a place to stay for the night, if I go home looking like this my father will kill me”.

“I’m not helping you if you don’t explain yourself, Rafe” (Y/N) screamed with rage in her eyes. She hated what he was becoming, and she hated more the fact that she couldn’t save him form himself. His drug addiction was going to kill him, in some sort of way. And the first effects of his illness where showing with big red stains on his face. What was he thinking?

“What?” He exploded, not believing that (Y/N) was being such a bitch towards him. She was supposed to be his friend, and friends help each other.

“You heard me. You need to fucking stop getting high” She snapped back, waving a hand right in his face “Can you understand me or the crack burned all your neurons?”.

He left a little laugh leave his mouth. She was becoming really annoying at this point, and he started to regret calling her for help. Why didn’t he call Topper? God damn it, even JJ Maybank would have been more helpful.

“No, You don’t get to tell me what to do. Your not my father!” He fumed, rising his voce while his red eyes opened even wider. (Y/N) wasn’t scared of him (she was scared of anything), and she knew she could top him anytime she wanted with the perfect line.

She knew where it hurted, and wasn’t playing around at all.

“You’re right, I’m not. I actually give a shit about you” She said, lowing her voice enough to make the sentance even colder. His face muted from anger to hurt, showing his most fragile side: Rafe hated feeling vulnerabile, and (Y/N) knew it.

She always liked looking inside peoples head, trying to figure out why they behaved like they did. She wanted to become a profiler or psychiatrist, and Rafe was her favorite subject. (Y/N) knew about his bad relationship with his father, the drug issues, anger issues and had seen that if moved in the correct way Rafe would crumble completely.

“Fuck you, (Y/N). You don’t know what your talking about”

“Then tell me why you called me?” She asked, nodding her head in a sarcastic way waiting for him to explain the reason. “Tell me why’d you only call me when your high?”.

Rafe couldn’t say anything to calm her at this point: (Y/N) had every right to be mad at him.

“Look, I promise I will get better” He tried, looking as the girl in front of him took a huge breath “Yeah, I’m sure you will... do you thing I’m that fucking dumb?”

(Y/N) felt so sorry for him. She knew it wasn’t her job to drag him out of his messy life but she couldn’t leave him like that. Not him feeling like he wasn’t good enough and alone in that cold summer night.

“Im trying to change your mind” She said again, more softly. Begging him to listen to her without actually telling him to. Rafe looked at her with a confused sight, not understanding the suddenly change of her behavior. Was she still mad at him or not?

“What? You want to help me now?” He asked with hope in his voice, taking a step forward. “When you look at me like that, what else I’m supposed to do? Your face looks like shit” (Y/N) tried to say, while looking behind her back. They had screamed like two gorillas before, and now she was afraid someone was going to catch them with their hand in the cookie jar.

(Y/N) took her car’s key from the pocket, waking in her pajamas towards the spot she usually parked it. And Rafe followed her silently, watching every moviment of the girl. She walked slowly and well aware that if they get caught she will never be able to see him again.

Rafe couldn’t help but think how much her skin seemed to glow under the moon’s light, making her seem like an angel. He didn’t know if it was because of the drugs, in fact he still had a great dose inside his body, but, while she was looking behind her shoulder for him, he caught the desire to kiss her.

“Why the fuck are you looking at me like that? Move your stupid ass inside” She snapped, pushing him inside the car while she took the driver side, putting his belt on as soon as she sit down.

“I’m not a child, (Y/N). Stop treating me like one” He declared, looking outside putting the car’s window down “Well, you sure act like one”

“Where are we going?” Rafe asked, still pretty confused “Are you taking me home? (Y/N) you said you wouldn’t!”.

“I know what I said” she snapped, topping him once more “I’m taking you somewhere safe. It’s a mansion my dad bought last summer, we go there almost every Christmas. So for tonight no one is going to disturb your beautysleep, princess” She said, making fun of him just a bit “Damn, you’re so mean” He commented, making her eyes roll with nuisance.

“Mean?” (Y/N) mocked him, looking at the guy with a little smile on her mouth. How funny. She was the mean one now. “Don’t act so bossy with me, I’m not your stupid boyfriend” Rafe continued, showing once again his jealousy towards her. Since he saw (Y/N) and Pope talk in front of school, last weekend, Rafe was dying to beat his ass.

“Shut up, you don’t even know what a relationship is. All you know is smoke weed and drink alcohol with your stupid friends. Too afraid of being seen with me, apparently” She broke out, not even looking him right in the face. Her eyes now glued on the road. Why the hell did she said that out loud? He wasn’t supposed to know how much his behavior metter to her.

“Nonsense” He responded slowly, as if someone else was listening their conversation. He was so tired he couldn’t even keep his eyes open, lying his head on the passenger seat “I’m in love with you” He continued “I just don’t want anyone to know I have feeling” Then explained, feeling his cheeck burning for embarrassment “I’m too messed up, my problems would effect you and I dont want that”

“Seems like it already does” She noticed, not wanting to belive he just told her he was in love with her.

“(Y/N). Do you like me like that?”

“Your high Rafe, I can’t have this conversation with you”.

#rafe outer banks #rafe cameron #rafe x reader #imagines Rafe #your name #obx kooks #Spotify

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raibebe · 4 years

Text

Sunkissed

Genre: Fluff Words: 4.276

Prompt: Greek God Yeosang Warnings: Shameless appreciation of Yeosang’s beauty

A/N: After seeing those pictures of Yeosang wearing that crown at a fansign, I couldn’t get this idea out of my head and when the lovely @im-a-special-bebe made this beautiful moodboard I just couldn’t not write something about it. This is purely self-indulgent. @nctkickit please be proud of me for adding 0% smut into this.

Apollo: Son of Zeus and Leto, bother of Artemis. Olympian god of the sun and light, music and poetry, healing and plagues, prophecy and knowledge, order and beauty, archery and agriculture.

The first time you saw him, you didn’t think he was real. He was standing on the Cliffside, looking into the setting sun, his wavy dark hair gently moving in the wind, the last rays of sunshine catching in the golden laurel crown he was wearing. The golden twinkle was the thing that had caught your eyes first when you were on your way back home from the city. The man was standing there unmoving, eyes fixed to the horizon where a single sailboat was sailing into the sunset. His tunic was gently swaying in the wind, the hem playing around his thighs, white fabric dyed orange from the sun’s rays.

What was the stranger doing here? You had never seen this man before and not many people came to the small island that you lived on. Captured by the strange man, you kept staring at him. Something about him made it impossible to tear your gaze away. When the sun finally set and the little plateau was clad in darkness, the man averted his gaze from the horizon and turned around, his sharp gaze immediately finding yours as if he had known you had been staring at him all this time.

For a while none of you moved. The darkness obscured the strangers’ features but you could tell that he was beautiful enough to have a stature made to immortalize his strong jawline, high cheekbones and piercing gaze, even though you weren’t sure if a stature was even going to capture all of his beauty. When his lips slowly curled into a small smile, you could have sworn that the sun had begun to rise again. Giggling shyly, you averted your gaze and nervously tucked a strand of hair back into its place. But when you looked up again, the stranger was gone, nowhere to be found.

Sighing, you shook your head. It had been a long day for you, but you didn’t know you were so exhausted that you had started to hallucinate things. Or maybe you had taken a breath or two too many when you had visited the temple today to deliver some new herbs to burn and to get a blessing from Apollo for your work.

The next time you met the mysterious stranger, you didn’t see him at first. You were preparing a tincture for the old man living at the harbour who couldn’t work like he used to now that he was getting older, when a soft melody played on a lyre reached your ears. At first you didn’t mind it. Sometimes a wandering group of musicians lost themselves in the outskirts of the city when they couldn’t afford to stay the night in a tavern. But what caught your attention was the deep voice that hummed along the soft melody, complementing the instrument in the most beautiful way. It made you think of the handsome stranger you had seen near the cliffs admiring the sunset a couple of days ago.

Cautiously you took your cauldron off the fire and set it aside to cool before stepping out of your little home. Following the sound of the lyre, you found the stranger sitting on a rock, his handsome features illuminated by the soft light of the dying sun, the golden laurel crown reflecting the light onto his hair. His face was relaxed as he gently plucked the strings of his golden instrument, a little smile adoring his lips.

You were sure he must have noticed you with the way his eyes twinkled mischievously but he paid you no mind. Slowly you sat down on a log of wood, careful to not dirty your own tunic any further than it already was. How the stranger kept his one spotless while sitting in the dirt, was a miracle to you. Sitting in silence you listened to the soft melody for a long time. When his song finally ended, the silence you otherwise really liked, felt heavy. Even the soft howling of the wind and the distant crashing of the waves couldn’t fill the air like the music did seconds before.

“I hope you enjoyed it,” the stranger chuckled, lifting his gaze from his lyre to meet your eyes. You had never expected the lean and beautiful man to have such a deep and soothing voice. But it fit him. You liked his voice, it carried a comfortable weight. You wondered if he was a wandering musician. But his clothes were way too nice for that. He looked more like a son from a rich house with hundreds of slaves to work for him. But what was he doing out here? You felt your face heating up and averted your gaze when he kept staring at you with his big brown eyes and you realized that he was waiting for an answer while you were lost in your thoughts. But before you could think of an answer, his bright laugh cut through the silence and you weren’t sure if his gentle humming before or his laugh was the most beautiful thing you had ever heard. His lips were quirked in a mischievous smile and he raised one perfectly arched eyebrow, still waiting.

“I... I liked it,” you stuttered. The stranger just hummed, turning back to face the sun that was just now dipping below the ocean on the horizon. A million questions burned on your tongue but none left your lips as the stranger and you sat in silence in the darkness. “It’s too bad we only ever seem to meet at sunset,” the stranger sighed and got up from where he was sitting, dusting off his tunic that was just shy of being indecently short. Quickly you got up as well, feeling ashamed of your own unkempt appearance: Green stains all over your tunic from working all day and your hair messily pulled back in order to keep it from falling into your face. “I hope we’ll meet again,” he smiled before he turned his back towards you, walking to the edge of the cliff.

You wanted to scream at him to not go down that narrow path there. Many people had tried to use it as a shortcut to the beach before and were later found lying motionless in the water. But your breath was trapped inside your throat and you could only stare to where the figure of the stranger was disappearing from your sight.

When you couldn’t see the twinkle of his golden crown anymore, you could finally breathe again. Too scared to go to the edge yourself, you prayed to the gods that they would keep the man safe and that no fishermen were bound to find his body in one of their nets. Just when you finished your silent prayers and turned to leave, a little something glistened in the corner of your eye where the stranger had sat before. Carefully you made your way over the stones to inspect it further. When you leaned down to look between the pebbles, a little golden leaf shined right back at you. Carefully picking it up, you turned it between your fingers. The metal felt warm beneath your fingers, you were sure the stranger had dropped it. This was your proof that you weren’t hallucinating again. The stranger was real and you were more confused than ever. Carefully pocketing the leaf, you made your way back home, your thoughts only filled with the strange man.

The third time you met him however wasn’t at sunset for once. The sun was standing high in the sky when you were walking through the fields surrounding the outskirts of town in search of herbs that you had run out of, when suddenly a shadow appeared over you when you were plucking little yellow flowers, making you shriek loudly and topple over in the grass. When you turned to look around, you were face to face with the handsome stranger who looked like he was trying really hard not to laugh out loud at your reaction. “You scared me,” you pouted. “It wasn’t my intention to scare you,” he chuckled, his voice just as deep as you remembered it.

Now that he for once wasn’t obscured by darkness, you could finally study his features. He wasn’t wearing his golden laurel crown this time, his long hair framing his face beautifully. His sunkissed skin was spotless, despite for a little birthmark right next to his left eye. You didn’t know what overcame you but you somehow had the urge to reach out and touch it. Something must have shown in your face because his big brown eyes crinkled slightly and his plush lips tugged upwards in a beautiful smile.

“You seem to really like my face,” he chuckled, raking his hands through his wavy hair, “Every time we meet, you seem to lose your voice and just stare at me.” Flustered, you averted your eyes and plucked another flower, throwing it into your basket to the ones you had previously picked. “You’re a healer,” the man spoke, sitting down next to you and plucking some of the little flowers as well. “How do you know?” You asked, your eyes fixed to the flowers around you as if to prove that you could indeed control yourself and didn’t stare at handsome strangers all the time. “I’ve seen you around,” he simply said, carefully placing the delicate flowers into your woven basket.

“But you’re not from around here. I’ve never seen you before.” He chuckled again. “No, I’m not. I’m just a traveller.” “You don’t look like a traveller,” you said before you could stop your mouth, quickly covering it with your hands; you hadn’t meant to be so forward. “What do I look like then?” He laughed, flashing you a row of perfectly straight, white teeth. “You seem like you come from a wealthy family,” you answered shyly, embarrassed at your little outburst. “You could say that,” he hummed, “What are you using the flowers for?” “They help if you overuse your muscles and relive the pain a little bit,” you explained, “I grind them into a paste and then you have to put it on the area where it hurts.”

“Don’t try to eat them though, they’re poisonous,” the stranger said after nodding along to your explanation. “You’re a healer as well?” “I’m just knowledgeable in various things,” he answered, sitting back and stretching out his slender legs, closing his beautiful eyes and tilting his face towards the sun, letting the rays caress his features. When you caught yourself staring again, admiring the shadows cast by his dark eyelashes, you quickly got up to look for other herbs in the little field to distract yourself.

While you were collecting various different plants, some more useful than others, the stranger remained seated, bathing in the light of the midday sun, occasionally glancing your way when he thought you weren’t looking. With the sun caressing his features he looked more ethereal than ever and you suddenly had the urge to immortalize this moment somehow. “Have you ever had a stature made in your image?” You asked when you decided you had picked enough herbs and made your way back to the handsome man. “Multiple actually,” he chuckled, “Are you finished with your duties?”

“For now,” you answered, “I’ll need to prepare the paste from the flowers but I can do that later as well if you would like to have a meal with me.” A bright smile lit up the features of the stranger. “I would indeed like to. Lead the way, beautiful woman.” You pointed in the direction of your home. “It’s not far from here,” you mumbled.

The way back to your small home was spend in silence but it wasn’t unpleasant, the stranger beside you a warming and somehow calming presence. When you sneaked a glance at him every now and then, you still couldn’t believe he was real and not a stature, especially with how the late afternoon sun was illuminating his profile right now. “Like what you see?” The stranger teased when he caught you staring yet again. You felt heat licking at your cheeksand averted your gaze to stare determinately into the fields of olive trees you were passing right now. A bright chuckle fell from the man’s lips at your action and you swore when you turned to look at him again, he was shining brighter than the sun, warmth radiating off of him. You couldn’t help the smile that formed on your own lips.

“You haven’t told me your name yet,” you said after a while, curiosity getting the better of you. “Does it matter?” The man answered instead of telling you, his gaze suddenly becoming darker and guarded. “I- No, I just...” you stuttered, taken aback by his reaction. He had seemed so comfortable with you, why was he not telling you that all of a sudden? “It’s really not that relevant,” he murmured, nervously fumbling with his bangs that had fallen into his eyes. “Are you on the run or something?” You asked carefully. He just shook his head and sighed before he stopped walking and took one of your hands in his, warmth immediately spreading through you. “Will you believe me if I tell you that it really doesn’t matter and respect that I’d rather not tell you? You don’t have to tell me yours either”, he spoke softly, his thumb rubbing along the back of your hand soothingly, “I promise I’m a good man and will not cause you problems or harm.” He was looking at you with such sincerity, his big, doe-like eyes studying your face intently. “I take your word for it, handsome stranger,” you complied, smiling at how the man’s face lit up before he lifted your joined hands up to press a gentle kiss to the back of your hand. “Thank you, beautiful healer,” he breathed against the skin, his smile making his eyes sparkle and your knees weak. Not letting go of your joined hands, he tugged you along to keep walking up the small path up the hill where your cabin was, the little smile not leaving his lips.

When your small home came into view you pointed up at it. “That’s where I live.” “It’s not far from where we first met, isn’t it?” The stranger asked, his head tilted to the side questioningly. “The stone field is just a little farther down the hill,” you confirmed. “But that’s not where we first met. You were staring at me while I was watching the sun set,” he reminded you with a teasing smile and a cheeky wink. “Stop teasing me,” you whined, throwing the stranger what you thought was a pleading look. “Cute,” he just said, his smile turning just a tad softer than it had been before. You quickly rushed to open the small gate in the fence that surrounded your little cabin to keep your more precious herbs you had planted safe from wild animals who were trying to eat them.

Just when you were about to open the door as well, you remembered just how much of a mess it was inside and you slammed it shut again. The man just looked at you with ones of his perfectly sculptured brows raised in question. “You... You should stay outside,” you mumbled, “I didn’t expect guests anytime soon.” “I don’t mind a little clutter and dirt even though I might not look like it,” he answered and smiled, his delicate hand covering your own scarred one over the doorknob and you could swear you felt some of his warmth seeping into your flesh, making your skin tingle where you were touching.

Nodding slowly, you let him turn the doorknob and pull the door open, heat creeping up your cheeks. “It’s nothing special,” you defended the underwhelming inside of your cabin. Besides your caldron there only were two wooden desks in your cooking area, herbs hanging from the ceiling to dry them and on a little shelf you kept different kinds of medicine you had made in little flasks and jars. The rest of the small space was occupied by a big cupboard holding different rolls of papyrus that you had collected over the years with both recipes and descriptions of different sicknesses and how to treat them along with random trinkets you had collected. Before the cupboard, there was a small wooden table with two little stools that had already seen better days, one of them covered in the tunics you had finally washed in the little stream near your home. Pressed into the far corner there was your bed which was just a straw bale covered with some furs a hunter had gifted you when you had saved his wife from a nasty sickness.

“It’s homey,” the man complemented after he had taken everything in. “It’s not much,” you repeated yourself and set down your basket with the herbs on one of the big tables. “I’m afraid it’s going to be a simple meal,” you confessed, “A farmer gave me some bread and goat cheese the other day.” “It’s more than enough,” he replied, suddenly way closer to you than you had anticipated, looking over your shoulder into the herb basket. “There sure are some powerful plants growing around here.” You managed to mutter out an affirmation before you took a deep breath to collect your thoughts again. You usually weren’t this easily flustered just by some proximity, hell you were used to this. But something about this man was just different, you could feel the warmth radiating off of him in the cool air of your cabin.

“I could hang them up for you if you want,” he suggested. “No, there’s no need for you to do anything,” you hastily declined. “You’re treating me to dinner, there’s got to be something I can do,” he insisted. “There’s a stream not too far up the hill if you follow the path we came here,” you explained, “You could get some water for us.” “Of course,” he smiled gently and quickly grabbed the jug you had pointed to before slipping out the door again.

When the door fell shut with a heavy thud, you let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding. What was it about the man that had you on edge so easily? And why did you think it was a good idea to invite him into your home? He obviously came from wealth, what could you even present him that would be of his standards? Sighing you unwrapped the bread and the cheese you were gifted yesterday, slicing it in smaller pieces and putting it in a small bowl to at least make it seem appetizing. The man also probably would never drink water under any circumstances, only the best red wine grazing those plush lips, painting them a pretty, dark colour, his pink tongue darting out to catch the little drop that would have escaped the golden goblet he was holding with his slender fingers. You shook your head. Where did that thought suddenly come from?

But before your thoughts could spiral any further, the man suddenly poked his head back into the cabin, the noise of the creaking door startling you so much, you almost dropped the bowl with the food, a loud screech leaving your lips. It was silent for a couple of seconds before the man giggled loud and high pitched, slapping one of his hands over his mouth to stifle the surprisingly high noise for how deep his voice was. “Stop laughing, I’m not used to having someone just burst in here,” you sulked, pouting at him. “I didn’t mean to scare you but your reaction was worth it,” he grinned, flashing his perfectly straight, white teeth. “It’s really pretty up there by the stream, should we eat there?” You nodded in agreement, quickly gathering the food and your two best ceramics goblets for the water.

Before you could protest, the man already took everything out of your hands and carried it himself, shooting you a quick smile before he hurried along the little path. “What’s gotten you in such a rush?” You giggled, quickly following him. “The sun is going to set soon; I want to see it from up there,” he answered, quickly jumping along the stones in the little river to cross it. How he managed to keep his balance on the slippery rocks with all the stuff in his hands and while jumping so fast was past your imagination. He quickly put the food and dishes on the ground next to the jug of water and jumped halfway through the stream again, reaching out his hand towards you. “Come on, I’ll keep you steady,” he promised, looking like an excited toddler after you had given them a new toy to play with.

You couldn’t help the smile that spread along your features when you grabbed his hand and he gently helped you across the slippery stones, his other hand holding onto your waist to keep you steady. Just when you were about to make your last step, you felt something slimy touch your foot, making you stumble forward and losing your balance. You already saw yourself drenched in water, algae all over your tunic, when the stranger quickly pulled you towards him, steadying you against him where he was standing on a bigger stone.

All breath was knocked out of you, not only from the impact but also from how close you suddenly were to him. If you wanted, you could have counted each of his eyelashes. “I told you, I would keep you safe,” he mumbled, his hands on your waist holding you close to him. “Thank you,” you said breathless, surprised how out of breath you sounded. Up close you could see that the stranger wasn’t as perfect as he seemed at first glance. Hidden behind his long fringe was the little red birthmark you had seen a glance of before. But instead of making him look ugly, you found it endearing, something special that made him stand out. You had to grip his arms a little harder where you had held onto him to steady yourself, to not reach out to touch it.

“I’ve never met a mortal quite like you,” he mumbled, gently cupping your cheek with one hand, stroking his thumb over your cheekbone. “What do you mean, mortal?” You asked breathless, confused by his choice of words and flustered because of how close he was to you. He just chuckled and kept studying your face. Being this close to him, you could almost feel his breath fanning over your face and see the shadows each of his long, dark eyelashes cast on his high cheekbones. “You wanted to know my name, right?” The stranger asked, his eyes crinkling when he smiled, still absent-mindedly caressing your face. You nodded, not trusting your voice, still completely captured by the man. “It’s Yeosang but your kind also often calls me Apollo,” he confessed, his gaze open and vulnerable, studying your face intently for any kind of reaction. When you stayed quiet, he added: “Son of Zeus and Leto.”

When you processed what he had just said, your eyes widened in surprise. He was a god. An actual god, an Olympian. Looking at his features, it made sense somehow. But what was he doing here? Eating dinner with you and helping you to collect herbs? Holding you close like this in the middle of a steam? Telling you that he wanted to watch the sunset with you? “Are you afraid of me?” he asked when you stayed quiet, your brain not really grasping what he had just said and what it meant. “I... No,” you answered truthfully. Even though he could probably kill you in the blink of an eye, he didn’t seem like the type even with all the legends and myths surrounding him. “I’m just confused,” you confessed, reaching out to touch his face as well, feeling his warm, soft skin beneath your fingertips. “Confused about what, beautiful?”

“I thought gods were supposed to be perfect,” you chuckled, gently tracing the birthmark near his eye with your fingertips. For a short moment, Yeosang was staring at you with his eyes wide in surprise before a bright laughter was bubbling out of him. “We’re far from being perfect, my dear,” he mumbled, gently tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear, his lips curling into a soft smile. “Will you let me kiss you?” The god asked softly, his hazel eyes dropping down to your lips. “Please,” you breathed, eyes fluttering closed when you felt Yeosang leaning in. The tender press of his soft lips against yours had your heart stopping before it doubled in pace when he wrapped his strong arms around your waist, pulling you closer against his warm body, your lips slotting together like they were made for it.

A soft sigh left your parted lips when Yeosang pulled back and pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead. “You’re truly remarkable,” he whispered. Shying away from his dark gaze, you averted your eyes, your fingers nervously fidgeting with the fabric of his tunic. But Yeosang was having none of it, gently taking your chin between his fingers to tilt your face up again. “You don’t need to hide, beautiful. Not when you’re with me.” “Please kiss me again,” you asked quietly, your hands caressing his strong chest before they slipped around his neck, playing with the shorter strands of hair.

“Anything for you.”

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whileyoursleeping · 4 years

Text

a buddie fic, as requested last week! (im sorry this took so long omg work has been absolutely insane)

also yes i’ll take buddie prompts but i’m really terrible at getting around to writing them so if you do request something i’m super sorry if it takes me forever

prompt: Bucks off his blood thinners so they throw a little party since he never got one when he came back something happens like he gets cut by a gift and has to remind everyone except Maddie that he's off his meds finally

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He really should've known a welcome back party was not a good idea.

Not like it was his choice - now that the lawsuit is over and the chill has passed, the family at 118 have welcomed him back with open arms and it's of course Hen's idea to throw him a welcome back party.

If Buck thinks about it the string of unfortunate events otherwise known as his life should've predicted some bad shit happening - first his leg is crushed, then the embolism, then he gets hit by a tsunami... the list is endless. But he's off the blood thinners, which is great, and now he can do everything he used to normally.

He can't help it. He loves his fire family and he loves being included again so when Hen announces it, he's all for it. He's back in the thick of it, with his family, being teased and shoved around playfully - he lives for it, he really does. He loves them. So fucking much.

The only downside is Eddie - things are better, but he's still a little reserved. Buck worries he's done real, lasting damage, and so he refuses to feel needy when he says, "Hey, man. Are you swinging by mine for the party tonight?"

Eddie smiles at him. "Wouldn't miss it."

There's beer and presents and someone has the idea to wrap one of them in a bunch of zip ties, and Buck - who can't find scissors - decides to use a knife to get into it.

A knife that promptly slips and cuts his palm open.

"Buck," Maddie sighs as the whole room goes quiet, in that patented my-little-brother-is-an-idiot voice. "You-"

"Let me see, Buck," Hen says gently, and Buck blinks at the sudden amount of fussing going on. Chimney's running for ice and a towel and Bobby is looking like he's one number away from dialling 911, and Eddie - Eddie's gone bone white which is weird.

"Guys," Buck says, over the sudden shuffle of trained medical professionals launching into action. "Guys, I'm not-"

"Elevate his hand," Hen orders. "Once we've got it wrapped we'll get him to the emergency room."

"But I'm not-" Buck protests.

"Is there a first aid kit around here?" Chimney's asking, and Eddie is taking Buck's hand and raising it above his head.

"Eddie," Buck says. "Eddie, I'm not-"

"Why does anyone let you near knives, Buckaroo?" Hen says, grabbing for a tea towel to press into the wound on his palm.

Buck wants to bask in being called Buckaroo again, but Eddie looks scarily blank, save for the little tic in his jaw that tells Buck he's concentrating. Nobody's listening to him for totally different reasons than they were a while ago, but still, Buck's frustrated that he can't even get a word in edgewise.

"Guys-" he tries again. He attempts pulling his hand away and wow Eddie has a great grip.

"Guys!" Maddie says, loudly, and everyone looks up at her. She nods at Buck.

"I'm not on blood thinners anymore," he explains, a little uncomfortable with the five sets of eyes on him. Normally he'd like it, the attention of the team - of Eddie - but it reminds him a little too much of why they were all cold shouldering him in the first place. "So... you know. It's fine."

He tries for a winning smile. Hen sits back, at least, but Eddie hangs his head and doesn't say anything.

"So we don't have to take you to the emergency room," Chim jokes.

"I think if you do they'll start charging me rent there," he jokes. He's trying to work out why Eddie still has his head down, looks ashamed.

Hen seems to realise what's going on, because she says something about the others helping her with things in the kitchen, and there's a round of agreement. Everyone disappears except Eddie, who at least moves to sit on the coffee table instead of the ground in front of Buck.

"Sorry I didn't tell you," Buck says - he's not sure if this is one of those things that's a big deal and Eddie will be upset over or not. He doesn't want Eddie to be upset, not right after they finally became friends again. "I would've told you, it just didn't seem that important."

"Can I see?" Eddie asks, totally ignoring everything else Buck just said.

Buck blinks, but he holds his hand out. Eddie's gentle as he flips Buck's hand over, palm up, and inspects the cut. It's already mostly stopped bleeding, which is so novel for Buck that even he finds himself staring at it. Or maybe he's staring at it as an excuse to watch Eddie touch him. No one needs to know the reason.

"It reminded me of the tsunami," Eddie says abruptly, finally making eye contact with him. He doesn't let Buck's hand go. "When I found you and Christopher. You had that cut on your arm, it was bleeding everywhere."

Buck has really vague memories of the aftermath of the tsunami. It all goes a little blurry once the team showed up and he collapsed, but he does remember a cut on his arm, how lightheaded he felt. He's not totally sure on how he got to a hospital afterwards either.

"Yeah," Buck says, slowly, trying to figure out the relevance of this to that. "That was uh - I was bleeding pretty bad. But this isn't like that, Eddie. I'm okay."

If he thinks about it, he can remember the throbbing pain in his head, over his eye. How his leg hurt. But mostly he just remembers the water and Chris screaming for him.

"I was more worried about Chris," he admits.

"I know you were." Eddie's still got his hand, but hasn't made a move to clean it or patch it up. "That's why you need someone to worry about you."

"You did though," Buck insists. He won't let Eddie feel bad about this, especially when it was Buck who lost Christopher. "I remember you came and got me at the hospital."

Eddie looks away from him. "Yeah," he says uncomfortably.

They're quiet for a moment. Eddie finally starts cleaning out the wound and Buck thinks back to that night - stumbling out of the emergency room, a fair bit of blood lighter and with rudimentary first-aid having been done, given that there were people hurt a lot worse, wondering how he was going to get home with his car six feet underwater.

And Eddie, in the waiting room, looking exhausted and strung out and who had hugged Buck the moment he saw him. Loaded him into the car, helped him into the house and found him clean clothes so he could shower and sleep.

There were no nightmares that night, because he was too tired and felt safe with both his Diaz boys in the same house.

He'd woken the next morning with Chris piled onto the couch next to him, and Eddie watching them over a mug of coffee in the kitchen. They'd staggered through the day, bone-tired and hardly speaking, and Buck had gone home distinctly feeling like he'd failed both of them.

"I mean," he says, out loud, because Eddie's got that little worry line in his forehead and his mouth is downturned and unhappy, "I lost Chris and you still came and got me-"

"You didn't," Eddie says, almost angry. "God, Buck, I didn't even know anything had happened until I saw you there. It didn't even cross my mind that something had happened because he was with you."

"I know," Buck says guiltily. "I - Eddie, man, I'm... I'm so sorry, if I could take it back-"

Eddie lets go of his hand abruptly, and Buck has a split second to wonder how he keeps making this worse for himself before Eddie's hand wraps around the back of his neck and he's dragged down into a kiss.

He's shocked, for a moment, and then he remembers this is Eddie who's always been there, Eddie who trusts him with Chris, Eddie who doesn't think he's a fuck-up or still Buck 1.0 or anything other than his best friend, and he kisses back, desperately, lunging into Eddie's warmth.

They separate after a moment, and Eddie leans his forehead on Buck's, his eyes closed.

"Buck," he says, softly, "I'm trying to say that I didn't think to worry about Christopher, for once in my life, because he was with you. Because he's safe with you. You're the only place I'm ever sure he's safe, other than me. That hasn't changed, okay? You were there for us when we needed you, and when you needed me I-"

His voice breaks. It's painful to listen to, and Buck shuffles closer, until their noses touch too, and puts his hands on Eddie's shoulders, presses his thumbs into the spaces between Eddie's neck and ears.

"When you needed me I failed you," Eddie croaks. "You were scared about your job and on blood thinners and you needed me and I just - I got angry, because I missed you, and I felt like you'd left like Shannon did, and I didn't even think that it was because you were trying to get back to us. And you still blame yourself. You pulled Chris out of the water, Buck. You. Not me, not abuela, not Pepa, not anyone else from the 118. You."

His eyes are stinging. He feels Eddie's hands on him, stroking him gently, soothing. "Stop," he whispers, and his voice breaks. "You're gonna make me cry, man. It's my welcome back party. I'm not supposed to cry."

Eddie laughs a little, then says, "I'm trying to tell you something, Buck."

"Yeah, I got it, what with the kiss and everything," Buck jokes weakly. "I - Eddie, I'm pretty messed up."

"My wife disappeared, came back, said she was divorcing me, then died," Eddie says. "We're even. I don't mind if you don't."

How could he ever? "So... what now?"

Eddie leans back. Buck feels a little less embarrassed when he sees that Eddie's eyes look a little wet too. "I'm gonna fix your hand," Eddie says. "And then we can tell everyone to stop eavesdropping from the kitchen."

There's a pause, and then Chimney's head peeks around the corner.

"We found scissors," he says sheepishly, and Buck laughs. He doesn't really care if they overhead. In fact, Maddie has that I-knew-it look on her face.

"I told you he didn't hate you," she says, patting him on the head.

He shakes her off playfully. "Not like you've been right before, so-"

"Do you want this present or not?"

"Sorry, Ma'am."

#buddie #9-1-1 buddie

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moonwaif · 4 years

Text

Work in Progress Wednesday: “Seven Year Itch”

Sharing my progress on a oneshot I’ve in drafts for a long, long time.

Summary: Seven years after Noct’s disappearance, the kids are not all right.

Pairings: Gladnis, Promptis

Tags:

Bitter exes who are still in love with each other

Angst

Prompto is injured and the bros give him some much needed TLC

Gladio gets vulnerable (eventually)

Trigger warnings: suicide mention, depression, suicidal ideology

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Prompto's first perception of the afterlife is a splitting headache. This isn't a total surprise, since he's spent his last three days of existence on a bender. What’s more surprising is that he can't move, or see, and that he seems to be at the scene of what sounds like a lover's quarrel.

Or more accurately, an ex-lover's quarrel.

"Oh, okay. So this is my fault then, is it?" The voice is gravelly, familiar. "Well if any of you actually bothered to tell me anything, I might have had time to get there first."

"Well if you ever bothered to answer your phone, Gladiolus, it might be easier to actually tell you!"

"Right, because reception is so reliable these days. I can't control the satellites, Ignis."

If Prompto could move, he would rol. his eyes. Is this really his fate—to float suspended in nothingness while Gladio and Ignis hashed out their petty differences right over his deathbed? How disappointing. He'd been expecting more from death—some peace and quiet, at the very least. But ten again, why should his death be any less disappointing than his life?

'That's always been your problem,' he thinks dismally. 'Unrealistic expectations.'

A harsh sigh. "There's no use in arguing about it now. What's done is done. All's left to do is wait and see if his condition improves."

"Hmph. Good thing Cindy had an elixir left, or he'd be a goner for sure. Where'd she manage to get that thing, anyway?"

"An original she'd been saving, from before."

"Huh. Explains why it worked so fast. They really don't make 'em like they used to."

"Yes," Ignis replies softly. "Indeed."

Prompto's heart sinks. So he isn't dead after all. On top of that, they’ve wasted an entire elixir on him—an elixir that could have been used on someone else who actually deserved it. This really is the worst possible timeline.

"What the hell was he thinking?" The sound of a fist slamming. "I mean, I know this time of year is always kind of rough on 'im, but this was a suicide mission."

Ignis exhales sharply. "That's exactly what it may have been, I'm afraid."

"What? No. You're not saying . . ."

Prompto doesn't like this. He doesn't want to listen to them speculate and dissect his private thoughts like so many insects under a microscope—like a lab specimen. It reminds him of the way they all used to sit around and whisper about Noct when they thought he was asleep, or when he lingered in the bathroom. Time to talk about Noct's feelings, how he was handling things, his lack of appetite, the pained murmurs in his sleep, and didn't it seem like the headaches were getting worse lately--?

No wonder Noct had hated it.

"You shouldn't talk like that, Iggy," Gladio says at last. He sounds a little scared. Uncertain.

"You heard what Cindy said, Gladio. About the refugees."

A heavy silence. "Yeah."

"I should have been more attentive." Iggy's voice is tight and harsh, like it hurts to speak. It makes Prompto feel nauseous. "If I had only returned from Lestallum as soon as I'd heard, then maybe--"

"Hey. Don't do that. This isn't your fault. That outpost needed you."

"So did Prompto." A brief pause, then, "How did you know about the outpost?"

A chair creaking. Prompto imagines Gladio shifting, embarrassed. "Word gets around."

"Does it? Strange—we move in the same circles, yet so rarely encounter one another in the field. I wonder how long it's been since the three of us have all been together like this."

"Little over two years," Gladio rumbles softly—a reluctant confession. "That camp right outside Ravatogh."

"Ah. Yes."

Prompto hears shame in their silence. He knows they're remembering everything, just like he is. He can still taste the blood in his mouth, feel Gladio's hand on his lower back as he spit up thick ropes of saliva onto the cracked pavement. The anger—the disappointment—the grief washes over Prompto now as he lays, immobilized. Like it all happened two weeks ago, instead of two years.

"Listen, Iggy." Gladio's voice is infuriatingly subdued, like he actually has the right to wallow in his own emotions right now, or something. "I've been thinking . . ."

"Oh dear. That's not good."

"I'm being serious," he grumbles. "Look. I know that I . . . messed up. I let you guys down, big time."

"The past is the past," Ignis murmurs. Prompto suddenly feels a surge of anger for him, too. When Gladio left, Iggy was a complete mess. He couldn't sleep, he threw himself into work with a desperate abandon. Prompto used to have to remind him to eat. So why is he trying to act all cool and poised about it now?

"It's not the past," Gladio answers quickly. "Not for me."

Ignis says nothing. A rapid tapping ensues. Gladio must be jiggling his foot.

"I don't expect you to forgive me," he continues. “I’m not asking for that. But I wanted to tell you, not a day goes by I don't regret what I did. I know I'm not really around, but I never stop thinking about you guys. I never stop thinking about you, Iggy. I . . . well shit, I never even stopped l--"

"Are you okay, Ignis?"

A third voice, but one that Prompto recognizes—one that he knows Ignis recognizes, too.

"Yes, thank you, Aeleus. Was there something you needed?"

"It's late. I just . . . wanted to check up on you."

"Ah. Yes, well, I appreciate the concern, but please don't stay up any later on my account. You have an early hunt tomorrow. You should rest."

"All right. I'll see you back at the house."

There's scoffing, followed by heavy footfalls coming from Gladio's direction. It doesn't take a wild imagination to know that the glares being tossed around the room are sharper than the Star of the Rogue. Ignis remains neutral.

"Good night, Aeleus."

A pause, then the door shuts. Gladio at least has the decency to wait until the footsteps have retreated before he lays in.

"That supposed to be my replacement? What a downgrade."

"His name is Aeleus," Ignis says coldly, "and he's a friend with whom I occasionally spar and share a good book."

"Sparring and reading? Yeah right. I know how that goes."

"I must ask you to refrain from being so crude."

"Why? I've heard way dirtier things come out of that pretty little mouth of yours."

"Because you don't have a right!"

There it is, Prompto thinks with some relief—the anger. It laces Ignis's words like venom.

"You don't have the right," he says again. "To waltz back in, to dredge up the past. To pry into my personal affairs. As if I should feel ashamed over having someone who likes to read to me, who eats my cooking, to train with, and yes, who fucks me when I bloody well feel like it!"

Prompto can hear the sound of distant voices. The night shift, he thinks vaguely; they must be getting ready to patrol.

"Let me guess." Gladio is unexpectedly calm, almost resigned. "You haven't told him about us."

Ignis sniffs. "Do you ever tell any of your paramours about me?"

"Does he make you happy?"

"At least he's here."

Prompto's eyelids flutter open.

The light is glaring.

[Draft ends here]

Thanks for reading~~

#wip wednesday #my stuff #promptis #gladnis #ffxv #ffxv fanfic #suicide tw #suicidal ideology tw #fanfic #prompto argentum #gladiolus amicitia #ignis stupeo scientia #ignis scientia

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honeyfelix · 4 years

Text

where i’ve been

hi everybody !! i’m sure most of you are not keeping tabs on this sort of thing, but maybe some of you have noticed that my presence here has been inconsistent and sometimes just nonexistent? and i guess another thing you might have noticed is that i tend to have little mental breakdowns that i unfortunately take out on here? and i think i kinda owe it to u to explain myself for a couple reasons:

1. i genuinely believe it’s irresponsible to broadcast certain facets of mental illness to a wider audience, many of whom are younger, without being mindful of providing trigger warnings or crisis resources etc. it’s not right of me to potentially trigger others or only show a certain lens of my experience without context or to basically demand attention and pity. it’s just gross. i’m ashamed of that and i’m really sorry

2. i’m sure most of you follow me for my writing and i haven’t been producing that at all. so i should give you fair notice that my writing frequency has / is going to shift significantly

i guess first i just want to apologize - my intention isn’t to make people worry. but i know myself and the way i preen for attention when i’m feeling unstable. it’s not right and it’s selfish and gross and i hate it.

in a nutshell, i’ve been consistently unstable (if that’s not an oxymoron) for many many years. it is not new to me. and for this brief moment i was able to abandon that and be functional on here and live a little baby dream of getting to write about my favorite group and have people read and enjoy it. it’s still so exciting to me, every single like and reblog. so thank u if youve ever read anything ive written! its crazy to me and i do not deserve!! i think my work is perfectly average but it’s gained me a really beautiful network of friends and such kind words and im so stupidly grateful.

but this has been an outlet and not always an honest one bc the state of my... i guess mental health? self perception? has been so deeply fucked. i dont want to say im in danger but i dont think its right to not say that either. i dont know. i feel like ive lost track of this haha i dont know where im going.

i’ve seen a lot of people whose mental health is suffering from this quarantine. for me it’s been a period of clarity and rest. basically i’m always losing my mind but also running on no sleep and constant work stress. now i’m able to see that i guess i’m really not good? there’s been some really horrible blows to my confidence and self-perception in the past few weeks or month or so. i just feel a bit insane.

i’m a bit tired of letting this kill me but i also don’t really know any other way. i guess the only thing that matter is at this time i wouldn’t say i have writers block - just can’t imagine myself writing again. can’t even begin to think of how to write. i hope that changes so i’m keeping my requests in my inbox. but that’s just where i’m at now. and if you want to unfollow that makes all the sense in the world! i’m not providing what you came here for. i feel really guilty about that and not really sure who i am.

the other thing is that i really really dont like talking about it and i dont even really know what i would talk about. nothing happened to me. there’s no reason i feel this way or grievances to air out or anything to cry over. it’s just me being stupid.

part and parcel of that is not knowing what my presence on here looks like. i know i’m making this way too serious and it’s embarrassing but yeah. i just don’t think i can stay in the cycle of making promises of a short hiatus and coming back strong. clearly that’s not true because i keep doing this over and over.

i don’t want to lose my friends or this safe place. that’s the hardest part of it all. and i guess i need to do some work on myself but i don’t really know what that means and i don’t want to do it either. i don’t know if i’m lazy or scared or what.

i think i’m just rambling now. i’m really really sorry. but on some level this is still my blog right? a place to log my thoughts? i’m not really sure what i’m allowed to do. and i’m not sure how to end this either. but thank you for being so nice. i know it’s not that serious and i’m making too much of this and i’m so sorry again. it’s not goodbye - i’m not sure what it is. i guess this is a message to say, i guess don’t expect anything from me? i wish i knew! and i’m sorry! i’m really really really sorry!!!

#i'm sorry again #this is not required reading #just #an outlet #sorry!!!!

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cptablovegood · 5 years

Text

Absolutely no one asked for this or probably even wants this but I’m less than a hundred pages in to Fool’s Errand and Fitz and Beloved are already ruining me so I’m literally just going to make a note of every time they’re being super in love (even if Fitz is constantly obtuse and refuses to admit it) just for my own (in)sanity..

———————part 1————————

Apparently only original posts show up in tumblr searches some imma just have to keep adding on to this rather than reblogging hope you’re ready for a shit so guys!

“I see a love that wends its way in and out of all your many years. That faithful heart has been absent for a time, but is soon to return to you again.” A witch reading his LOVE LINE! She also makes a direct comparison to Molly. Fitz foolishly thinks it’s about Starling but Beloved arrives soon after so we know its about them. HIS LOVE LINE GUYS!

“Your one true love is stitched in and out and through you life. Love will return to you.” You could interpret this as being about Molly as I think they end up getting back together after Burrich has died but I’m way more inclined to believe this is about the Fool. For one its the same witch says its right after the above. Fitz himself also dimises Molly. But mainly the phrasing. The White Prophet and his Catalyst are often described as being interwoven and bound together despite of any distance and time. Like the metaphors are parallel making me think this is about the Fool. Which means… Beloved is Fitz’s one true love! Guys can Robin Hobb just give me a fucking break please!

*a whole paragraph admiring a horse* “The rider was fully worthy of the horse.” He thinks his mans is fine ok!

“He smiled. Something turned over in my heart. I moistened my lips, but could find no words, no breath to utter them if i had. My heart told me one thing my eyes another.” Ummm how fucking in love is Fitz? He hasn’t seen the Fool in 15 years and he’s speechless and his heart is doing somersaults? His eyes are saying wait that’s not how i remember the fool but it doesn’t fucking matter he KNOWS its the fool HIS HEART KNOWS.

“I open my mouth, then helplessly spread wide my arms. At that gesture that said all I had no words for, an answering look lit his face.”Again he’s literally speechless but that doesn’t even matter the Fool can fully understand him. Soulmates don’t need such trivial things as language to communicate!

“He glowed as if a light had been kindled in him” Im sorry thats some romantic shit.

“He did not dismount but flung himself from his horse towards me.” Hi the Fool literally launched himself off a horses back into your arms!

“The horse shied away but none of us paid her any attention.” They’re so absorbed in each other.

“In one step i caught him up. I enfolded him in my arms as the wolf gambolled about us like a puppy.”

“‘Oh Fool,’ I choked. ‘It cannot be you, yet it is and I do not care how.’” Emotions are literally choke him he’s about to start crying, I-

“He flung his arms around my neck. He hugged me fiercely. … For a long time he clung to me like a woman.” Yeah we know Fitz has some old misconstrued ideas about love and gender so for him to even parallel that is a lot ok…

“Until the wolf insistently thrust himself between us.” Ok so not only would they have carried on clinging to each other if Nighteyes hadn’t have forced them apart but also the wolfs reaction is super fucking important as well. Like Nighteyes is Fitz’s Wit beast. He has never loved another person other than Fitz so loyally and without question. When he first meets the Fool he trusts him straight away and calls him pack long before anyone else. Fitz even gets jealous of their bond in the first trilogy until Nighteyes explains that why shouldn’t he trust and love someone so fiercely if Fitz already feels this way about them.

“…wiping away tears. I did not think less of him for them. My own ran unchecked down my face.” Urgh thank you Robin Hobb for letting men cry! But they are both so overcome with emotion and not ashamed or embarrassed to show the other person that they’ve been brought to tears by their reunion like wow they’re so in love.

“He flowed to his feet, every nuance of his grace as familiar to me as the drawing of breath.” He likens simply seeing the fool moving to something that is habitual and that sustains his life I-

“He cupped the back of my head and in his old way, pressed his brow to mine.” I would argue more tender than a chaste kiss.

“He stared at me, his eyes touching the white streak in my hair and running familiarly over the scares on my face. I stared just as avidly…” they’re drinking each other up after so many years apart committing each other to memory again.

“The wide grin that lit his face erased all years and distance between us.” something as simple as a smile can bring them right back together like they haven’t been separated for 15 years.

“I felt something from him; the thinnest knife-edge of of shared awareness. … ‘All down the years’ his voice going as golden as his skin ‘you have been with me, as close as the tips of my fingers, even when we were years and seas apart. Your being was like the hum of a plucked string at the edge of my hearing, or a scent carried on the breeze.’”Maybe I’m smoking crack but I think this might be the most romantic thing ever? ‘his voice going golden as his skin’ why does that warm my heart so??

“‘Had I possessed the Skill in truth you would have known I was there. At your fingertips, but mute.’ I felt an odd easing in my heart at his words, for no reason I could name” Fitz mate thats love. Love and the confirmation and realisation that you had never and would never truly be alone or lonely.

“It was a boys thing to do, this immediate offering to share a prized possession and my heart answered it, knowing that no matter how long or how far apart wed been nothing important had changed between us.” Like you might be men full grown now, having lived completely separate lives, not knowing each other for the last 15 years but your love is so pure it has not been marred by age or distance!

“I blinked my eyes and for a minute I was back in the Fool’s hut in the mountains, healing from my injury while he stood between me and the world” he remembers how the fool protected and shielded him and nursed him back to health.

“He created reality around himself, bringing order and peace to a small island of warm firelight.”

“Light ran up his cheekbones and dwindles as it merged with his hair.”

“‘In the space of a sundown, you show me the wide world from a horses back and the soul of the world within my own walls.’” Before the Fool came Fitz was feeling listless and suffocated by his own life. Is there a more beautiful thing than being renewed to vigor by someone you love? The Fool basically brings him all the possibilities and life that he had forgotten he could have. Also he calls the Fool ‘the soul of the world’ how fucking beautiful is that. and the fool is so fucking happy that he could do that for him.

“We are whole.” This said by Nighteyes which I again think is super important. He feels the same about the Fool as he does about Fitz. And although him and Fitz are Wit bonded and him and the Fool not he does not feel that they have been truly complete without him.

“Like sundered pieces of crockery that snick back together so precisely that the crack becomes invisible, the Fool joined us and completed us.”

“The Fool’s presence was in itself an answer and satisfaction.”

“That evening remains for me always a moment to cherish as golden and fragrant as brandy in crystal glasses.”

“I stayed away from you as long as i could. he offered the words like an apology.’ He literally cant keep himself from fitz. “Any time that you returned to visit me would not have been too soo” And Fitz doesn’t want to be left alone Beloved he wants your company!

“Nighteyes and I spoke as we did was not an effort to exclude him from our circle. It was that our circle made us one in a fundamental way we could not share. ‘Yet once we did and it was good.’” Even the wolf wants them to all be joined again and share their thoughts and feelings!

“He extended his hand to me as if he proffered an invisible gift on those outstretched fingertips. I closed my eyes to steady myself against the temptation. ‘I want it as i want breath itself Fool take it away please.’” He is having to ask the Fool to remove the temptation because he wants that wholeness, that one’s again so badly but he knows it’s a bad idea. It is taking all his will to decline it and I think of the Fool offered again he wouldn’t be able to resist a again. Also this is the 2nd time he has likened the Fool to something as fundamental as breathing.

“‘I dreamed of you once. You were sick or injured. A man leaned over you, I felt he wanted to hurt you so I-’ ‘It’s quite likely ou saved my life.’” Even when the Fool was Amber and Fitz did not know her his subconscious was looking out for her and protecting her. He fucking skill pushed someone to leave her alone without even realising it was her.

“‘Sometimes when I was most alone I mocked myself that I could cling to such a hope. That I could believe I was so important to anyone that he would travel in his dreams to protect me.’ ‘You should have known better than that.’ I said quietly.” Ok so this hurts my heart a little because Fitz always denies that he loves the Fool the way in which he wants to be loved by Fitz. I mean I don’t think that’s true at all because their love is way more intense and intimate than any woman that Fitz has ever been with Molly included the only boundary between him and the Fool is sex which arguable we know Fitz doesn’t always think is related to love cos he slept with Starling. And it fucking kills me that when Amber was in her darkest place she clung on to the hope that Fitz did truest love her but at the same time laughed at herself cos Fitz himself had told them otherwise previously. And here he has the audacity to contradict her. Like how could you ever doubt it? Cos you told them to doubt it mate! Why are you so fucking obtuse Fitz!

“‘Should I?’ He gave me the most direct look I have ever received from him. I did not understand the hurt I saw in his eyes nor the hope. He needed something from me but I wasn’t sure what it was.” Urgh again Fitz is so blind! You just need to hold him and admit to him how much you love him get over yourself and your whole ‘I can’t love you like a man loves a woman’ bullshit cos like the Fool rightfully said you didn’t love Molly cos of what was under her skirts!

“‘Were you expecting me to leave tomorrow?’ ‘I thought you might I didn’t hope it.’ ‘That's good then for you could have hoped in vain.’” They’ve finally been reunited after so long and neither one of them wants to leave the other.

“I suddenly realised the immensity of what i had asked him … like all direct questions I had ever asked the fool I both dreaded and longed for the answer.” This just feels very fucking intimate to me lads sorry to say

“‘Good night Beloved we have been apart for too long.’” Umm the Fool fucking gave Fitz his own name. His true name that he had never told anyone. His name that his own mother called him. They’re gunna ruined me these two.

This is literally only the first chapter that they have been reunited in and my heart already can’t take it!!

#rote #trote #realm of the elderlings #the realm of the elderling #robin hobb #the tawny man trilogy #the tawny man #beloved #the fool #fitzchivalry farseer #tom badgerlock #fools errand

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cruecifymesixx · 5 years

Text

Love and Leather /part twelve/

Word count: 2.5k

A/N: In third person again, I find it easier with some parts of the story. Hope y’all enjoy it! Feedback is always appreciated!

Warnings: language, sexual themes ;) , angst

Taglist: @oskea93 , @brideofdraculana , @xstarryeyes , @miserablecunt, @electradestiny , @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol , @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies, @fandomshit6000, @anntheboneless, @tiranni, @venus-calum , @justjodeye , @supernaturalvikingwhore, @extremesadnerding , @hi-my-name-is-riley, @are-we-real, @thatbandchick39 , @awkwrdcait, @countrygirlswonderland , @dillightfulpickle, @baiabouk , @awesomealmostdopestudent , @madsthegroupie, @balladblood, @myheadisinvsded, @romanticvengeance @martabastic , @hoop-diddy-doo, @tashy-bear

Vanity woke up the next morning in a unfamiliar hotel room. But she saw Nikki’s leather jacket hanging on the sofa, but he was no where in sight.

Hm, he must of left already.

Vanity slowly got out of bed as the world spun around her, head throbbing profusely. Ahe’s never felt like this a day in her life, and she has done her fair share of partying.

But, I’ve also never done smack before. She thought to herself.

She got out of bed and stumbled over to a pack of cigarettes and a pair of sunglasses that belonged to Nikki, then stepped outside on the balcony, to sit down and light a smoke.

Suddenly, the sliding glass door that lead inside opened and it startled her as she turned and saw Nikki.

“Uh...I’m leaving once I finish this.” She said while holding up her cigarette, “and once I find my brother.” She grumbled, “Your brother left an hour ago.” Nikki had no emotion in his voice, “Oh...okay.” Vanity said quietly as they both sat in the awkwardness, “Well I guess I should be going and uh...” she paused while she cleared her dry throat, “I’m sorry for the things I said while I was inebriated.” Vanity told him without making eye contact and standing up.

“Wait, can we talk about a few things?” Nikki asked her. She slowly sat back down and nodded,

“I wanted to talk about...the uh fight we had.” Nikki said while swallowing the lump that was in the back of his throat, Vanity sighed,

“Im sorry for the things I said to you, and putting a hole in your bedroom wall.” Nikki told her, while trying to move closer to her, but Vanity kept scooting away from him.

“I just...I just got so upset with you, and I should’ve been in control.” Nikki said while placing a hand on the side of her thigh, but he slowly took his hand away from her body when he felt her tense up.

He was having a total fit on the inside, How the fuck could I have let my emotions get the best of me?

“Vanity...” Nikki spoke her name softly, while taking off the sunglasses, and then moving pieces of her hair out of her face, but again all he could notice was how she flinched and how her eyes closed,

“Van, I know my actions from before speak differently, but I would never, ever lay a fucking finger on your pretty little self.” Nikki said in barely a whisper, and finally Vanity met his gaze,

“How do I know that, Nikki? You shoved me and I knew you wanted to hit me the moment I saw your hand come up. And then you do it again last night too.” Vanity finally spoke, and Nikki hung his head down,

“I only shoved you to get you to relax, but what you said made my emotions take over me. I would never hit you. After all the things I’ve been through with my mother, I never laid a hand on her and I don’t plan on ever laying a finger on any woman ever.” Nikki tried explaining to her,

Vanity placed her hand on the left side of his cheek, the same cheek she smacked a year ago and gently caressed it with her thumb, “I’m so, so sorry for what I said to you. I didn’t mean it, when I’m angry I turn into a different person.” Vanity tried telling him, remembering what her brother was telling him last night.

“And how do you think I felt? You’re the one who hit me.” Vanity looked away from him with tears in the corner of her eyes, “I begged you to leave because I knew it wasn’t going to end pretty, and I hit you hoping it would make you leave, but you didn’t that’s when I made that comment, because I knew it would get under your skin.” She was ashamed when she spoke, Nikki sighed while looking down at his feet,

“It doesn’t justify the fact that you said it, Being mad isn’t an excuse to say things we don’t mean Van, we’re adults.”

Damn him, why did he have to be smart? She thought,

“But why didn’t you just leave!” Vanity got upset and stood up from the chair and looked over the Dallas skyline. “Why did you have to try it when you already knew I was emotional?” Vanity questioned him,

“I was trying to fucking calm you down! I stopped planning an entire tour to come to your house and calm you down.” Nikki says, obvious frustration in his voice. “ I was trying to show you i care about you and all you’re doing is finding every excuse as to why you said or did these things!” Nikki shouted, but lowered his voice when she saw her jump, but she turned around and faced him anyways,

“I’m not making excuses for anything Nikki! God this was a mistake, I’m leaving.” Vanity said not even caring if she didn’t have shoes on, let alone pants. Nikki followed her back into the hotel room, and grabbed her by her arm and spun her around they were mere inches from each other, “You aren’t leaving so easy this time.” He tells her, and she looks up at his tall stature

“Nikki im not making excuses for what I said. You had no fucking idea what I went through. I got home from burying my father and watching his casket get lowered into the fucking ground.” Vanity said as she remembered that day. It was raining which made it ironic yet poetic at the same time,

“I had no choice but to leave, that’s what I tried to explain in that letter.” Vanity explained to him while her voice was shaky, Nikki let out a laugh and then a eye roll, “That letter? You call that a letter? Vanity, that was barely two sentences.” Nikki immediately snapped back at her,

“You left me not even enough words for a coherent fucking thought, Vanity! How is that supposed to make me feel?! What am i supposed to do with two god damn sentences?! “ He angrily says, while at the same time trying to keep his temper low, not wanting to scare this petite girl once again.

“I don’t know nikki.” She pinched the bridge of her nose while looking down at the floor, “I just...I never know what to say to you. You make me very nervous and I think you know it.” Vanity told him while finally looking at him,

Nikki is taken back by her words, almost shocked but mainly confused as to why she would feel like that. “Why do i make you nervous? Its just me, Plain ol’ Nikki..” Vanity swooned over his words,

She gave him a million dollar smile, “Nikki, you are anything but plain.” She said while cupping his cheek and tracing his sharp jawline with her fingers, she made him feel like the millions of dollars he’s actually worth.

Nikki crashed his lips into the pretty girls plump lips, his hands moving up to cup both sides of her cheeks. “Please, don’t go. You’ve been gone for so fucking long and i just want to have you with me for a bit longer..” Nikki says in a soft-whisper tone, his forehead softly pressed against hers, his eyes still closed.

But Vanitys eyes are wide open, she couldn’t believe the Nikki fucking Sixx kissed her. she slowly backed away which gave him the wrong impression.

“shit...” Nikki mumbles under his breath. What the fuck did i just do? such a dumbass. “I-..im sorry..” He says, sitting down onto the couch, arms perched up on his knees, he puts his head in his hands, completely embarrassed.

Vanity watches him, she kneels down and moves his arms and places her hand under his chin to make her look at him. Her eyes wander from his green eyes to his lips, all she knew is that she wanted more of it. And truth be told, Nikki didn’t know what to do. Watching her eyes flicker between his eyes & his lips. Either, kiss her and hope she kisses him back, or don’t. At this point, Nikki was nervous. No woman has ever made Nikki nervous, and currently his mind is going a hundred miles a minute.

But to his surprise, Vanity crawled into his lap, straddling him and held both sides of his face as she kissed him,

Who needed drugs to feel whole when I had this? Nikki’s mind was racing as Vanity deepened the kiss and entangled her fingers in his hair,

Nikki wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her back with the upmost passion he’s ever had in his life, while pulling her body closer to his, he needed her as close as she possibly could be, and even that wasn’t enough for him.

Vanity has kissed many boys, but no boy ever made her feel how Nikki Sixx did. His kisses were so rough and rugged yet filled with so much passion, and the way his hands glided against her body as if he’s already done it his whole life, she didn’t need to show him how to kiss her because he already knew.

Nikki felt a sudden fire ignite in him that he’s never felt before. He trails his hands down her back and then to her backside, squeezing softly, while beginning to guide her hips against his.

She moaned into his mouth and that was sweet music to his ears, he could never write a note that compares to the sound that just came out of Vanity. Without breaking the kiss, Nikki picked her up, which caused a giggle to come from her lips and he laid her on the bed while crawling on top of her.

Breaking the kiss, Nikki softly whispers “Absolutely breathtaking, doll.” before his lips attach to her neck. Between feeling her skin against his lips, sloppy kisses, occasionally nipping & sucking at the skin, hearing Vanity a moaning mess made him want her even more.

Vanity reached for his big, studded belt buckle and undoes it, as one of her manicured hands is raking up and down Nikki’s back and sending goosebumps down his body.

Nikki never thought he’d end up being putty in anyone’s hands, up until he met Vanity. The way her nails were scratching down his back is sending him mad. Nikki can’t take it anymore and quickly pulls her shirt off, his mouth connects to her breast, nipping at the skin on it, leaving his mark on her.

“Nikki..” Vanity breathes out, while running her hand through his messy hair. She then moves her hand between them and feels the growing erection Nikki has for her, he just about lost it when he heard her moan his name for the first time.

A groan escapes his lips at the slightest touch from her, sending pleasure through his whole body. He leaves a few soft kisses, moving his tongue down to her nipple. He laps his tongue around it a few times, softly biting down and sucking for a moment. Hearing the sound of Vanity’s whimpers & moans gets him to the point where he can’t get enough, he needs to taste her.

Nikki’s hands trailed up her tanned, toned legs and reached for the waistband of her thong, he pulled it down her legs, “My favorite color.” He said and then throwing them down on the floor, he repositioned her and draped her legs over his his shoulders while he laid on his stomach,

Nikki kissed her inner thighs softly nipping gently at the sensitive skin. He kisses closer & closer to where he wants to be most.

“Oh fuck!!” Both of them snapped out of it when Tommy and Vince barged in. Nikki quickly covered up Vanity with the white linen sheets, “Ah man! So sorry!” Tommy said while covering his eyes and Vince cracking up over the second hand embarrassment. Vanity was beet red while hiding under the sheets, “Get out!! Now!!” Nikki yelled at them while removing himself from between her legs and shoving them out his hotel door,

“Fucking assholes. “ Nikki says through swollen & red lips, obviously annoyed, but he quickly turned his attention back to her. “I’m sorry, doll face..” he says trailing off, rubbing the back of his neck, avoiding eye contact out of embarrassment. Vanity stayed covered up as Nikki stood there ever so awkwardly, “I should be going anyways.” She said quietly while putting his shirt back on. “Oh yeah....you’re right...I gotta pack anyways.” Nikki tried playing it off,

Nikki buckles his belt back up, while slyly readjusting himself. His heart was hearting, but now his cock was too. If it weren’t for his not-knowing-how-to-knock band members, he would’ve gotten what he’s dreamed of for so long. “It was,” Nikki coughs slightly, feeling as awkward as ever “It was really good to see you, Vanity..” he says, while trying to hide behind his mess of a hair style.

Vanity laughed, “So you’re just gonna get me naked and then send me on my way like you do these other girls?” She said trying to make light of the situation, which made Nikki smile and he walked back over to the bed while trying to pull the sheets away from her waist,

“Well, we could finish if you’d like, and then i can send you off. “ He says jokingly with a soft laugh, deep down wanting to continue,

She playfully hits him with a pillow at him, “I’ll take a rain check, Rockstar.” She said while gathering her things, “My mom is probably flipping out about where I’ve been all night.” She added on while standing face to face with him. Her eyes went straight for his bulge that was popping out , “Huh...bigger then I thought.” She said with a devilish smile on her face.

“So you have thought about my dick?” Nikki says with his famous smirk, looking her up & down. She smiled and brushed her hand against it causing Nikki to groan, “Wouldn’t you like to know.” She was still playing hard to get but Nikki couldn’t help but notice the bruises he had left on her neck from his lips, he had left his mark on her and he was damn proud of that .

Nikki sighed deeply, any type of sensation from her just drove him absolutely mad. “Good luck explaining all of that,” as he points to her neck & chest “to your mom. He smiles widely, holding back a laugh. “Just saying, to make getting yelled at worth it, we should just finish. “ He says with a smirk, just mind fucking her at this point.

She quickly ran to the bathroom, “Nikki!!” She whined then came back out, “God I’m gonna get fucking murdered.” She said and Nikki put his hands on her hips, “Come back home and she won’t have the chance.” He says while looking at her with a serious face, hoping she’d somehow agree, even if it’s in his wildest dreams. He missed his Vanity greeting him at the diner, his Vanity being his safe haven and a person to call home, even though she didn’t know that yet. He was still conflicted with him self and why he was saying she was already his when she wasnt.

“I’ll be home soon. We’ve hired someone to take over daddy’s place.” Vanity replied with a small smile on her face and toying with his fingers,

“I gotta go though, I’ll let you know when I’m home.” She said while backing up to the door, Nikki trying to close the distance between them. He reached behind her and opened up the door for her, “Bye Vanity.” Nikki responded, eyes full of lust. He placed his hand on the side of her cheekbone, and pulled her in for a kiss, “I’ll be seeing you, sweets.” Vanity kissed him back and then pulled away with a cheesy smile on her face, “Bye Nikki.” She said with a smirk, letting her hand trail down his chest before walking away from him.

#lmfao what a fuckin tease #yall gotta wait for the real sleazy shit #the dirt #the dirt fan fic #motley crue #nikki sixx #nikki six fan fix #nikki sixx imagine #motley crue imagine #writing #my idea #1980s #smut

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stargazing-enby · 5 years

Note

Prompt for yoooou!!! "All that time we were together I was thinking about him" (you can chose the pairing)

(Thanks, dear! I somehow managed not to make this angsty, which I’m proud of xD).

***

“All the time we were together, I was thinking about him.”

Harry didn’t dare look up in the silence that followed. They’d been talking about Ginny for what, three sessions now? And Harry had thought about saying those words out loud over and over again, only to swallow them back into the pit of emptiness that was his chest, too ashamed to admit it. Too scared it would become real the moment he voiced it.

“Was this why you were so quiet last week?” Jane asked. “Because you wanted to tell me this, but couldn’t get the words out?”

How did she know him so well? Therapists have superpowers, mate, Ron would’ve said.

His voice shook when he mumbled a strained, “Maybe.” He swallowed. Lying was no use, was it? “…Yeah.”

“What kind of thoughts did you have about him?”

The fact she knew exactly who that ‘him’ referred to without Harry having to say his name upset him. Had he really talked that much about Draco?

“I… I’d tell Ginny about my day, and when she replied, I’d imagine what he would say in her place. I’d think about him while I cooked — about how he’s always saying how much he loves an extra bit of salt on his food. I’d—” He bit his lip. Was he really going to say it? “I’d fantasise about him, too. In… bed.”

And to think he’d started going to therapy because he’d died and come back to life… he felt deeply embarrassed, but the tightness in his chest was already starting to ease as he let out the thoughts he’d been fighting to keep inside.

Merlin, but did he feel weird.

“Do you still think about him now that you’re single?”

Harry raised his head when he realised he was staring at his own fidgety hands. He smiled awkwardly at her. “You know I do.”

She smirked back at him. “I do. I wanted to know if you’d admit it.”

“Yeah, well, that wasn’t easy to say,” he mumbled, trying to lighten the mood. Then he forced his next thought out before he could change his mind. “I should also admit that… that I think I love him. I… I may have for a very long time now. I’m not sure, though.”

“What’s your definition of love?”

Ah, that was the question, wasn’t it? Perhaps if he knew the answer he wouldn’t be so damn lost, but alas, Harry hadn’t exactly had much love in his life. Not even when he’d thought he had.

“I don’t know. If I’m honest, I only called it love because that’s the word everyone uses when they can’t stop thinking about someone else, and about just being with them.” He was fidgeting again, but he couldn’t do anything about it. “I just want Draco by my side, all the time. I adore his sarcastic remarks, and I like it when he talks Quidditch with me, and — Merlin, I even love the way he sneezes, he’s just too cute. And when I’m with him, it’s like… like we walk at the same pace. When I’m with him, I don’t feel like being left alone, which usually happens with everyone else but Ron and Hermione.”

When he looked up again, Jane was smiling, this time in amusement. Harry brought a hand to his hair, sighing. He felt so stupid.

“I think what you’re describing matches the definition of infatuation, Harry. Or as you kids call it nowadays… a crush. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but seeing as it’s been going on for so long and it’s making you upset, perhaps it’s time to consider doing something about it.”

A chill passed through Harry, and the only thought he could process was that he did not want to cut Draco from his life. Under no circumstances.

“Do you mean that as in…”

“I mean it as in doing something you haven’t tried before. Like telling a friend how you feel, or perhaps, if you think it’s safe, telling him how you feel. Do you trust him enough to do that? Do you think he’d be understanding about it?”

“I—” Harry stuttered. “I mean, we’re friends. More or less. But I don’t think I can do it.” Or could he? Fuck, the mere idea was unravelling a sea of hypothetical scenarios in his mind, and each one was crazier than the last. But there was just too much between them. And how would he even explain? How could he tell Draco he’d been fantasising about him while dating Ginny? What if he ruined their friendship?

What if… what if Draco liked him too?

Feeling brave, he closed his fists to keep his fingers still and said the words that were blooming inside him, powerful and thrilling. “Or… you know what? Perhaps I can try.”

Read part 2 on Tumblr | AO3

#otpshipper98 #drarry #drarry squad #drarry drabble #therapy #harry goes to therapy #akashikadoesthings

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kittyit · 5 years

Note

hey you're really level headed and I admire your thinking very much so I just wanted to ask you about this situation I'm in. I was groomed by men when I was n high school in online sugaring and it luckily never got physical. but now im going back to those sites and respiring connections and I'm really scared I feel like I can't stop myself and I don't know why. I feel like I have this obsession with being hurt again and again and permanently staining myself but this situation I am putting (cont)

myself into is really dangerous for a multitude of reasons- I’m not attracted to men and have been injured during sex with a man when I was a teenager so the psychological impact would shatter me + all the given dangers that come with sex work. I’m so philosophically anti prostitution and I think men who buy and sell women should be executed but somehow this doesn’t extend to me in my mind. I have these intrusive thoughts about being destroyed and hurt and they’re not fantasies they’re genuinely horrifying for me to think about but its like a compulsion. it makes me cry and scream sometimes. basically I’m worried I’m not safe for myself and I’m going to put myself in these risky situations specifically to damage myself because I feel this overwhelming compulsion to and I have no idea what to do about it and I’m too scared to talk to my therapist because I’m so embarrassed about having such a horrible compulsion. sorry for oversharing—first of all, i want to apologize because i know you sent this quite a while ago but my head hasn’t been on straight enough to answer it. the good news is that compulsive retraumatization is something you are absolutely not alone in experiencing. it’s been pretty hard for me to find academic works on it and the ones i have aren’t really that useful to read and are extremely dense, but this is how a friend explained it to me and how i think of it:think of your trauma like a deep, open wound. i don’t know if you’ve ever had a really bad wound, but when wounds start to heal, they itch. and not just a little, a lot, a deep itch. sometimes that itch can be pretty unbearable. so what do you do? you rip off the scab. you’re bleeding again, the wound is open, but at least that itch is gone.retraumatization is ripping the wound open over again to get back into that state of numbness. i have the most intense retraumatization urge when trauma begins to surface and starts demanding to be dealt with. if you don’t have any alternative to just doing the same thing over (which it sounds like you don’t), retraumatization seems like almost a rational thing - the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.the reason i explain this isn’t to say it’s inevitable, because it absolutely isn’t, but i know it can feel so awful and confusing when you’re like, why the hell do i want to do this thing that’s the worst thing for me and something i know has fucked me up for life - and this is why. not because you’re destined for it or somehow broken beyond what can be healed - it’s a maladaptive behavior to survive a messed up word when you haven’t been shown alternatives.but! there absolutely are alternatives! i hear you when you talk about how your empathy doesn’t extend to yourself. that’s super common for victims of abuse as well. learning how to practice self-empathy is one of the hardest things i’ve ever done but is so rewarding.i usually advise women to approach self-empathy through a really simple thought exercise: if what was happening to you was happening to a woman who wasn’t you but who you love dearly (say, a little sister) - what would you tell her to do? for example, in your situation (which has been similar to my own in the past), i would say, you need to delete those accounts immediately, block anybody you’re talking to, you need to seek out friends you can reach out to if you feel like starting them up again, and definitely tell whatever mental health professional you’re seeing about what’s going on (and if they don’t react well, find a therapist who does understand.)i say practice self empathy and not feel self empathy because you have to use your intellectual reasoning and not your emotions. you don’t have to try to control the feelings and thoughts you have about yourself (that you’re not worth it), but you can control your actions, even if it feels really hard and scary. naming your agency even when it feels like you have none is incredibly important. sometimes this concept gets presented as “fake it til you make it” but i think that doesn’t really cover what’s going on - taking material, real steps towards making a better life for yourself is not fake. in my experience, the more you take these healthy and practically loving actions for yourself, the easier it becomes. you can absolutely combine this with refusing to engage with spiraling thoughts of self-hatred. you don’t have to argue yourself out of those feelings, just go distract yourself or do something else as often as you can while experiencing them. and above all: claim your agency and do not act on what those thoughts tell you to do.sometimes i feel really bad answering these kinds of questions because i wish there was some quick fix i could tell you, and i wish i could tell you it’s going to get better in a linear incline, easier and easier. but that’s not how it’s worked for me. this is a cycle you’re going to have to work really hard to break. the cycles get farther apart, but bad thoughts and feelings are still going to happen. you just have to remember, even if you end up in a place similar to where you started, it doesn’t mean you haven’t been working hard and put the time and effort in. i’d say one of the biggest thing is making sure there are other people that know. you can’t carry all this alone and you shouldn’t have to. it’s not something to hate yourself for or be ashamed of, it’s a common trauma response that deserves to be treated with empathy, kindness and understanding.

my most highly recommended reading for women experiencing retraumatization compulsion is loving to survive by dee graham

#retraumatization #sex industry #anonymous #this post is horribly broken on mobile i'm so sorry!!! there are paragraphs breaks i swear!

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chokememrstark · 6 years

Text

Requiem Of Memories // Part 10

Ship: Samifer (Sam Winchester / Lucifer)

Words: 2434 (Chapter 10 / 15)

Fic Summary: After their kiss, Sam feels very strange and goes to sleep. Still, he returns to Lucifer during the night and they have a rather interesting and nice chat. He can't help but wanting to be near Lucifer it seems.

angst, hurt & comfort, alternative universe, au!lucifer, mourning, depression, blood and gore, nightmares, loneliness

Note: I highly recommend to read Nightmares Become Reality before this, otherwise the premise of the story and the setting might not make much sense.

Tagging: @shebahda @sassysupernaturalsweetheart @spnyoucantkeepmedown @brieflymaximumprincess @kajuned @archingangel @this-darkness-light @secretlydaydreaminglifeaway @humongouscandycoffee

If you want off the tag list or want to be added, just drop me an ask or IM!

Read on AO3!

It felt like an eternity that they kissed, but for Sam it couldn’t have been long enough, especially when Lucifer relaxed and actually kissed him back. For this short period of time, Sam felt like crying from the sheer intensity of emotions. There was something so painfully familiar about their touch that Sam’s heart ached when Lucifer eventually pulled away. It was like he lost something precious that he might never get back.

For two whole minutes the two simply looked at each other, Lucifer visibly shocked from what had just happened between them. The longer Sam looked at him, the more he succumbed to the creeping up horror and fear inside of him. His face felt incredibly hot while the rest of his body was freezing cold and his chest tightened so much that he could barely breathe.

“I’m so sorry, oh god....” even Sam’s voice was just a shadow of itself, crackling and pleading desperately. “I didn’t… I mean I did, but I didn’t mean to… I…”

“Sam, breathe,” Lucifer said forcibly calm. “It’s all good, really.”

“No… no no no!” Sam gasped breathlessly. “I… I shouldn’t have done that! I’m sorry, I didn’t think, I didn’t think at all… that was so uncalled for!”

“You didn’t stab me, Sam.” This time, Lucifer sounded much calmer and even smiled at the hunter softly. “It was a kiss, not attempted murder.”

“But it wasn’t right !” Sam insisted, running a hand through his hair desperately. He couldn’t believe what he had just done. How could this have happened? And why now, in this completely impossible situation? Sam felt so awful he thought he would throw up at any given moment.

“It’s all good, I promise,” Lucifer assured the brunet and laid a hand on his cheek. Sam looked up almost panicking, his eyes wild and wide and completely out of himself. Lucifer’s expression softened when he looked at him. “Maybe it’s the blood loss, but that was actually very nice. I already feel a bit better now. Apparently your saying to ‘kiss it better’ actually works.”

Sam could feel his heartbeat in his ears, his hands tingling and as much as he tried to concentrate, the humming sound in his head was overwhelming. A part of him wanted to kiss Lucifer again, but another part wanted to run away as fast as he could and hide in a hole somewhere for the rest of his life. This was surely the most embarrassing thing he had ever done in his life.

“Thank you for taking care of me,” Lucifer continued, his thumb gently stroking over the stubbled skin on Sam’s cheek. “You had a very eventful and rough day, maybe it’s best if you go to bed now.”

In lack of a verbal response, Sam just nodded. He could barely fight the urge to lean into Lucifer’s touch and it got more and more difficult with each passing second. When Lucifer stood up, Sam followed him immediately, the angel’s hand still on his cheek and his eyes still looking into Sam’s own, making it unable for the hunter to break eye contact. He could have stayed like this for the rest of his life and he wouldn’t have complained, even if the mere thought was hideous.

“You were really amazing today,” Lucifer said and, much to Sam’s surprise, leaned forward for another kiss. It was short and gentle, almost like a piece of satin brushing over Sam’s lips, but it had a very similar effect as the first. Sam’s knees became weak and he only managed to support himself by holding onto the other’s arm. He hadn’t felt like this in so many years, he couldn’t understand what was going on. When Lucifer broke the kiss, a faint smile decorated his lips. “Go and get some rest, we can talk tomorrow if you want to.”

Sam couldn’t answer. Again he was reduced to a weak nod when Lucifer retreated his hand. For a moment he wished that the angel wouldn’t go, that he would stay with him and that they’d talk now, but he knew this was a bad idea. He was exhausted and conflicted, his shaking hands alone were proof for that. So, instead of asking Lucifer to stay, as his first urge had been, he walked over to the bed and laid down.

Despite not thinking he would find any rest for a long time, Sam was out within a few minutes already. In the end, it had been a rough day, even if he wanted to deny it. Between the worry about Lucifer and their kiss, he had also met this world’s version of Meg and probably lost some of his mind on the way too, while he was at it. After all, he had just kissed Lucifer! Lucifer, the literal freaking Devil of this world and the reason it was in ruins. And still, it had felt so amazing, hadn’t it? Sam couldn’t explain why he felt so much bliss during the short touch of their lips, or even more when Lucifer had done it again . He should feel scared and awful, but he didn’t.

Sam fell asleep, but his mind couldn’t forget what had happened before during the whole time. He kept thinking, kept wondering what had happened that he suddenly felt the urge to do something stupid like this. Maybe it was just his sheer exhaustion and unstable state in the end, it could be. But why did it feel so good then? Was he really so lonely that he did something like this just to feel a little better? Or was he so relieved that Lucifer would survive and so touched by his words that he forgot everything else around them? When Sam woke up a few hours later, he still had no answer. His head hurt and he still had a hot knot in his stomach that made him want to scream, but he didn’t know what on earth had gotten into him to do something like this.

After laying there and staring at the ceiling for a few minutes - which was difficult because it was still dark outside - Sam slid off the bed. He stood there for a whole five minutes to decide what to do next and what he came to do was probably even crazier than their kiss. For the first time since he was here, Sam walked over to the door that Lucifer had said led to his own bedroom and knocked on it. There was no reaction at first and Sam was about to give up already when a faint ‘Come in!’ reached his ears. Slowly he pushed the door open and peeked into the room.

“Lucifer?” Sam knew he acted very intrusive right now, but he couldn’t help it. “Is everything okay? Do you need something?”

It took a moment before the darkness was lightened up by a lamp next to the bed, but when it did, Sam saw Lucifer sitting on it and looking at him.

“I am fine, thank you,” Lucifer said with a warm smile. “What about you? Do you feel better now?”

“Yeah, a little,” Sam awkwardly scratched his neck and looked up. “Hey, can we talk for a moment? I mean, if you have time of course.”

“I always have time for you, Sam;” Lucifer said and patted on the big spot next to him on the bed. “Come inside. I hope you’re not surprised, this room isn’t very luxurious sadly.”

Sam nodded and followed Lucifer’s invitation. He didn’t bother to look around much, even though he noticed that the room was indeed rather shabby and empty.

“About last night,” Sam began when he sat down, sighing deeply. “I’m sorry, really. I shouldn’t have kissed you, that was very inappropriate and rude.”

“I told you already that it’s okay and I meant it,” Lucifer insisted, still smiling. “You forgot yourself for a moment, nothing to be ashamed about.”

“I know, but I shouldn’t have done this.” Sam shook his head. “I don’t know what got into me, it just… happened.”

“And?” Lucifer asked, drawing Sam’s gaze up to him. “You could have done worse, Sam. What you did was worry about my health and you did everything in your power to help me, which I am very thankful for.”

“And I kissed you without your consent.”

“So did I after that,” Lucifer smirked. “We’re even. And now stop blaming yourself for every step you make, it’s not going to help you in any way.”

Sam smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He was glad that Lucifer wasn’t mad at him, but how could he stop being mad at himself for doing something stupid like this? It wasn’t as if this had been the first time, really, and all because of some flowery and charming words?

“In case you are worrying,” Lucifer continued after a moment of silence. “You are a good kisser, so I won’t say I didn’t enjoy it.”

“You… what?” Sam’s voice died in his throat and he felt his cheeks becoming hot again.

“I think you heard me,” Lucifer chuckled. “It’s all good, I am not mad at you and I am glad you were here to help me when I came back. This fight was awful and I don’t know if I would have made it if it weren’t for you tending to my wounds.”

“But… you’re an archangel,” Sam mumbled, a little confused. “Couldn’t you have just… healed yourself?”

“Of course,” Lucifer smiled. “But even an archangel can have a hard time recovering when they were attacked by three dozen angels at the same time. Our power is like a battery and if we use too much of it, we have to recharge.”

That made sense, but it was hard to believe for Sam that he had actually helped Lucifer. Maybe he assisted him a little, but he had freaked out basically while doing it.

“I’m glad you are okay now,” Sam eventually said, looking down at his hands. “Meg was really worried too.”

“Ah yes, Meg.” Lucifer leaned back into his pillow. “She’s a very loyal one, but a little reckless at times. I hope she wasn’t too mean to you.”

“No,” Sam quickly shook his head. “She was actually rather nice! I mean, after a while. Just like our Meg, kinda…”

“Your Meg?” Lucifer asked and Sam turned around with a smile.

“Are you that surprised?” he asked. “I mean, she was different and all, but their personalities are rather similar.”

“So, your Meg is a little annoying demon too?”

Sam had to laugh at this, as it was a kind of fitting description of the Meg he had known. The most fitting part being annoying, especially when she had possessed him.

“She was… unique,” he eventually answered. “At first she was really nasty and even possessed me, but she… kind of turned? I don’t know why, but she changed. After the apocalypse she was different.”

“What happened?” Lucifer wanted to know amused. “Maybe I can use it to help with mine too.”

Sam’s gaze turned a little sadder and his smile vanished.

“It ended,” he simply said. “She was on our Lucifer’s side when the apocalypse was going on, that didn’t help her after we jumped. Another demon took over hell and everyone who was loyal to Lucifer had a very bad time after that.”

“She’s very loyal indeed,” Lucifer said. “Mine is too. She can be annoying, but she is still young. Out of all my demons, she is the one who stayed most human.”

“Why that? Do you have any idea?”

“I assume you know how demons become demons? Souls being tortured and corrupted in hell, the whole ordeal?”

“Yeah, I heard of it,” Sam huffed.

“Well, Meg wasn’t like that. She died when she was only eighteen, suicide.” Lucifer shrugged at Sam’s surprised glare. “She didn’t even get tortured much. It only took a week until she changed and became a demon. I think that’s why she is still very human inside, there was not enough punishment to fully get rid of it.”

“Wow, that would answer some questions,” Sam mumbled. “Our Meg was able to show compassion by the end.”

“Yes, she can do that here too. But mostly it’s directed at me, don’t ask why. I have no idea.” Lucifer laughed awkwardly, something that made Sam’s stomach tingle slightly. “She’s a good one though, very reliable and strong.”

“She’s nice, yeah,” Sam smirked. “I like her.”

“I think you’re the first human she likes too, in a long time at least,” Lucifer nodded. “She told me what you told her about my other demons too, how they treat you.”

“Oh,” Sam’s face flushed even worse than before now. “I… I didn’t mean to complain or anything, really. It just came up…”

“No, it’s okay,” Lucifer raised a hand to prevent Sam from interrupting. “I’m glad I know and it will not happen again. You are not a threat, you are not a spy either. You are my guest and they will treat you with respect or suffer the consequences. My home is yours now, Sam.” Lucifer gave the hunter the most affectionate and gentle smile he had seen until now. It made his whole body feel warm somehow. “No harm will come to you here and this is not their decision, it’s mine and mine alone.”

“I’m flattered,” Sam said honestly. He was a little embarrassed, but that Lucifer actually cared for this matter was very moving. The angel was full of surprises it seemed, but most of them turned out to be very nice ones in the end.

“I am very content with you being here, Sam,” Lucifer suddenly said, which pulled Sam out of the strange mesmerized state that he had slipped into. “You are special and you are unique to this dying world and having you by my side is a new experience that I enjoy very much.”

“But, I’m just me…” Sam muttered.

“And ‘just you’ is what this world has never seen before - what I have never seen before,” Lucifer smiled. “You told me you were never born in this world and now look what it has come to. Your world is different, you saved it countless of times. Your world is alive because of you.”

Sam had never thought about it this way before, after all it was very narcissistic to claim that he was the savior of the world and mankind. The world wasn’t alive because of him, or not?

#samifer #sam x lucifer #sam winchester #spn lucifer #requiem of memories #multi chapter fic #myfics #chapter 10 #angst #this one is rather fluffy tho #kinda XD

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