#I write about this in detail in CYHMH

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

I love that to enthral Viktor, Yuuri chose the Lilac Fairy costume which Viktor wore when Yuuri saw him skate for the first time and was instantly enthralled. Yuuri might not have been fully aware of his choice, but it has the same energy as if he would say, “I couldn’t take my eyes off you back then, now I'll make sure that you won’t take your eyes off me either.”

#yuri on ice #yoi #yoi meta #viktor nikirofov #yurionice #katsuki yuuri #viktuuri #anime #I write about this in detail in CYHMH #my yoi meta

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

The role of Japanese dating culture in YOI

Disclaimer: This post is based on my research on Japanese culture. If you are Japanese and note that I missed the point, please enlighten me. I’m always happy to learn.

At first glance, Yuuri’s behaviour is rooted in awkwardness, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Whereas all of this is true, his cultural upbringing engenders some of his demeanours as well. It adds nuance to his character and to his relationship with Viktor.

Let’s break this down chronologically.

Inappropriate physical contact

When Viktor shows up at the onsen, his advances weird Yuuri out. Viktor’s courtship behaviour is totally over the top even beyond the borders of Japan, but it definitely isn’t how things work in Japan. Touching, for instance, is quite an intimate thing. It’s rude to touch a stranger in the ways Viktor touches Yuuri. No wonder Yūri has a flight or freeze response and doesn’t seem comfortable with it at all. That having Viktor’s hands on his body causes a visceral reaction doesn’t help the matter at all.

Hugs are uncommon unless they happen between people close to each other, such as friends or family, and they tend to don’t last long. Long hugs usually happen between people who are in love. Thus, it’s a big deal when Yuuri hugs Viktor before his performance at the Onsen on Ice. Yuuri is very anxious and determined to make Viktor stay in Japan. He is desperate and doesn’t know if he can win against the other Yuri. And he’s super awkward, even more so when interacting with Viktor. This hug is a desperate attempt to show that Viktor means something to him.

Kissing in public is widely frowned upon in Japan, although this view is slowly coming out of fashion. Traditionally, kisses were considered a long-term promise—you don’t kiss if you’re not serious about your relationship. When Yuuri and Viktor kiss at the end of episode 7, this is very serious. The shocked expression on the faces of Yuuri’s friends and family reflects the prevailing reaction of Japanese people to such a public display of intimacy.

Yuuri’s kokuhaku

A kokuhaku (告白) is a love confession, usually phrased along the lines of “I like you. Can we start seeing each other?” However, there are no rules on how a kokuhaku should be carried out. Some Japanese get very creative or explicit in voicing their feelings. If you google kokuhaku, you’ll find many examples of successful kokuhakus and such that backfired. People voice a kokuhaku when they want to date someone. If the other person’s response is positive, they start dating and are in a romantic relationship henceforth. Just hanging out with someone you have feelings for doesn’t qualify as dating until you’ve voiced your kokuhaku. I like this custom because it follows a rule set that minimises confusion and defines what both people can expect of each other. According to my research, many Japanese start relationships this way, although more and more prefer the “Western” way.

Until the end of episode 5, Yuuri struggles with the concept of love and identifying his feelings. I believe realisation strikes him when he crashes into the barrier at the Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu Regional Championship. This finally enables him to act on his feelings.

Yuuri chooses the press conference in which the skaters of the Japanese team present their season’s themes to voice his kokuhaku, and he is very explicit about it. Luckily, he knows Viktor is in love with him, for otherwise, his confession could have easily resulted in losing face as it was broadcasted nationwide.

This line is the most important part of Yuuri’s kokuhaku:

For the first time in my life, there’s a person I want to hold on to. That person is Viktor. I don’t really have a name for that emotion, but I’ve decided to call it ‘love’.

Note the usage of 自分か 繋ぎとめたい. As pointed out here, a more literal translation would be “Viktor being the first person I want to reach out to and bond with, and with those bonds, bind us together so that we will never part.” It’s a reference to Stammi Vicino (Non Te Ne Andare). If this isn’t a textbook kokuhaku, I don’t know what this is!

After this public kokuhaku, Yuuri and Viktor can finally start dating and get into relationship mode. Although we don’t get to see them dating, their interactions reveal a level of intimacy at the Cup of China, that leaves no doubt that they are boyfriends. It’s obvious to everyone around them, too. It’s mostly Viktor who initiates public displays of intimacy because, due to his own cultural upbringing, he’s less reserved, whereas Yuuri expresses his feelings in subtler ways. This turn in their relationship eventually prompts Viktor to instruct Yuuri to skate Eros as himself.

Like so many things in Japanese culture, love language is subtle. “I love you” (愛してる) is not that commonly used in a committed relationship as people prefer to express their affection less directly, although it is gradually gaining popularity. A key aspect of Japanese storytelling is “show don’t tell, but do it subtly and with nuance”. We see a lot of this in YOI, and those scenes say so much more about the love Yuuri and Viktor share than “I love you” ever could.

The (accidental) marriage proposal

Traditional Japanese marriage proposals are a rather formal matter (e.g. “I like to make miso soup for you every day.”), and this is exactly what makes Viktor assume that Yuuri just proposed to him when they reunite at the airport. The actual phrasing is highly ambiguous (and I believe the creators did this on purpose), so when Yuuri says “Please take care of me”, a marriage proposal is a valid assumption for Japanese people. And apparently, that's also the case for Viktor who has been living in this country for almost eight months and familiarised himself with Yuuri's culture.

By now, the thought that Yuuri might need to let Viktor go very soon is in conflict with Yuuri's heart which wants Viktor to stay by his side forever. He has already decided to retire after the GPF (so that Viktor can return to skating) and has successfully convinced himself that his time with Viktor is borrowed.

While we can't know for sure if proposing was Yuuri's true intention, if he was ambiguous on purpose to test waters, or if he blurted out the line because his desire to be with Viktor formed a subconscious wish to marry him - the moment Viktor takes it for a proposal, Yuuri's features soften.

He neither denies it was a proposal nor panics, he just blushes and smiles fondly, which implies to me that he is perfectly fine with the idea. Viktor keeps his response ambiguous as well and, taking the next three episodes into account, it's not a stretch to assume that he refers to both. (Interestingly, marriage would solve Yuuri's conflict: he can give Viktor back to the ice without needing to let him go as his friend and lover.)

However, the next episode verifies the proposal part when the two get officially engaged.

For a deeper dive into the translation and interpretation of the dialogue, I refer to this post.

Engagement party

Traditionally, an engagement must be finalised in a ceremony that the couple’s families attend. It’s like a dinner party with gifts and a presentation of the rings. Only when the rings are presented, the engagement is official.

When Yuuri and Viktor get officially engaged in Barcelona, they actually break with tradition for the sake of giving the rings an additional spiritual meaning, which is deeply rooted in Japanese culture. They create omamori of their rings to bestow good luck on Yuuri for the Grand Prix Final. Since their love for each other and their love for the ice are tightly intertwined, this makes a lot of sense. This post explores in great depth what Yuuri tries to explain very awkwardly about the multiple meanings of the rings.

Even though Mari is the only family member around Yuuri and Viktor celebrate their engagement in Barcelona with her, Minako, and their skater friends.

Final words

The evolution of Yuuri and Viktor’s relationship is driven by Japanese customs. Awkwardness, anxiety and his aversion to being pushed aside, there is little progress until Yuuri figures out his feelings and voices his kokuhaku. Yuuri values and adheres to the traditions of his culture, and he only breaks them when being heavily inebriated.

Speaking of traditions, I picture Yuuri and Viktor having a traditional Japanese wedding, including a Shinto shrine ceremony and kimonos.

2023/06/14: I've edited the proposal section based on a recent post that translates and discusses the airport reunion.

If you enjoy my meta posts, please consider giving my blog a follow or checking out my works on AO3(link in bio). You will find the results of my meta musings in there!

#yuri on ice #yurionice #yoi #katsuki yuuri #victuuri #viktor nikirofov #yoi meta #katsuki yuri #katsudon yuri #anime #viktuuri #japanese culture #I write about this in detail in CYHMH #my yoi meta

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

The kiss

I can’t stop thinking about the face Yuuri makes just after the kiss. His expression is something between disbelief and surprise while his mind is trying to process what just happened, like “Did I make this up or did he really just kiss me?”

It’s kinda cute. And relatable.

By the end of episode 7, Yuuri and Viktor have become very close. They hug and cuddle, and they are comfortable sleeping huddled against each other, which suggests that they have been doing this already before the Cup of China. It was only a matter of time until they kiss, but a kiss was the last thing Yuuri expected to happen right after his free skate.

Only minutes before, Yuuri had a panic attack. Instead of supporting him, Viktor screwed up because he has no clue on how to deal with Yuuri’s anxiety. Yuuri has every reason to be mad at Viktor. But once he’s on the ice, his anger dissipates and he accepts Viktor’s flaws. In fact, Yuuri’s entire free skate in episode 7 sings of his love for Viktor—especially that quad flip (and the ending pose, of course). However, Yuuri is still oblivious to how much impact his skating has on Viktor. He just made it plain that he won’t accept a kiss to make up. By now, Yuuri has figured out his feelings for Viktor; he knows that what he’s feeling is love. He won’t accept anything less from Viktor, and through his skating he makes Viktor see. And thus, albeit unexpectedly for Yuuri, their first kiss happens right after his free skate, and it issues from nothing less than true love.

#yuri on ice #yoi #yurionice #katsuki yuuri #yuuri on ice #katsudon yuri #viktor nikirofov #viktuuri #victuuri #yoi meta #anime #I write about this in detail in CYHMH #my yoi meta

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

The grand reunion of tears

Their reactions to Viktor showing up at the onsen couldn't be further apart. My heart rejoices along with Yuuri and breaks for Viktor at the same time.

It must be an awful experience for Viktor to drop his career and hope Yuuri would sink into his arms at the reunion but instead is met with rejection. Meanwhile, Yuuri is blissfully oblivious to his anguish because he doesn't remember the banquet, and while Viktor is crying himself to sleep, he's the happiest fanboy on the planet since his idol just showed up at his doorstep to coach him.

#yuri on ice #yoi #viktor nikirofov #katsuki yuuri #yurionice #viktuuri #anime #the grand reunion of tears #victuuri #I love them so much I want to hug them #this is canon #I write about this in detail in CYHMH

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

"Yuuri, did it feel that great?"

No one can tell me Yuuri didn’t think of having sex with Viktor when he skated Eros at the Cup of China. I mean, look at his face! That blush! He’s too embarrassed to ask Viktor outright if he liked this performance. He can’t even look at him! I guess, it really felt that great.

All you had to do was to turn him on, Yuuri, but with you it’s always all or nothing, huh?

And Viktor … oh, he knows.

#yuri on ice #yurionice #yoi #katsuki yuuri #viktor nikirofov #viktuuri #victuuri #yuuri on ice #yoi meta #It really felt that great #anime #I love this show so much #I write about this in detail in CYHMH #my yoi meta

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

Yuzu’s announcement to retire from competition made me aware of a key aspect which factors into Viktor’s reaction when Yuuri tells him he’s retiring I didn’t consider before: Besides being Yuuri’s coach and fiancé, Viktor is also Yuuri’s greatest fan and he struggles to deal with the flip side of it.

Viktor is enamoured with Yuuri’s musicality. Yuuri is graceful, he does amazing spins, his footwork is top-notch—it makes Viktor fall for him all over again. Viktor recognises Yuuri’s potential. He sees how Yuuri’s skating enriches the sport and helps him to make it flourish.

No one follows Yuuri’s progress more closely than Viktor. He sees Yuuri thrive and improve his skating skills. When Viktor watches him skate, he’s swooning. He’s in love with Yuuri’s skating and with Yuuri, and he gets to see him "making music" every day. Thousands of skating fans would die for such an opportunity.

I doubt Viktor ever admired another skater this much, although he surely grew up having idols. But this is different. Viktor and Yuuri are in love AND fervent fans of each other. But then Yuuri wants to retire all of a sudden and Viktor’s world comes crashing down.

Realising you will never get to see your favourite skater, the one you watch breath caught in your throat, skate again, can cause grief. You grieve over the loss of beauty and the joy it brought. You grieve over the loss of the opportunity to witness this poetry on ice ever again. (Side note: There's nothing intrinsically wrong with having these feelings. They can, however, become so strong that they compromise a person's mental health and require them to seek professional help.)

Viktor, however, is not just some fan of Yuuri. Through their relationship, he is emotionally attached to Yuuri's skating. Plus, having his student retire from competition is unprecedented for him. And this comes on top of

Feeling dumped as Yuuri’s coach and partner since these aspects of their relationship are inseparably intertwined.

Feeling betrayed because Yuuri made the decision without him.

His abandonment issues skyrocket because this could mean the end of their relationship.

The notion that Yuuri wants to push him back into a sport which left him burnt out and depressed.

So much to having trust in whatever Yuuri decides. This man really has a heavy mental load to carry! Being a Yuuri-fanboy isn’t a problem intrinsically, but it influences Viktor in ways which exacerbate the internal drama Yuuri's announcement causes. He must learn to better separate his personal relationship from his professional one.

Viktor's issues prevent him from seeing that Yuuri is sacrificing his career for him, just like he sacrificed his own career for Yuuri a couple months ago. He cannot see that he won’t lose Yuuri as a partner (at least if they solve their conflict) because suddenly he's the unreliable narrator, orchestrating his shockingly realistic personal Grand Prix Final drama—this show really portrays mental health issues well! It’s good Viktor stopped Yuuri from sacrificing his passion for love though, as this would have damaged their relationship in the long run, too.

I would love to see Viktor using his fanboy energy in positive ways when one day Yuuri retires from competition for good and saying things like “Please come to our ice shows where you can see Yuuri making music without the restricting ISU rules and if you ever come to Hasetsu, visit Yutopia Daytime Onsen. They have great katsudon!”

If you enjoy my meta posts, please consider giving my blog a follow or checking out my works on AO3(link in bio). You will find the results of my meta musings in there!

#yuri on ice #yoi meta #my yoi meta #yoi #yurionice #viktor nikirofov #victuuri #anime #sorry for pulling Yuzu into this #I hope this isn't too far fetched #I didn't intend to make a post related to their fight because this scene tears me up every time #I write about this in detail in CYHMH

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

"Don't you dare look away while I'll be picturing our first f*ck in every detail!"

What Yuuri is saying vs. what he's thinking. Love this anime so much!

#yuri on ice #yoi #yurionice #viktor nikirofov #katsuki yuuri #viktuuri #yuuri x victor #yoi meta #fixed it for you Yuuri #I write about this in detail in CYHMH #my yoi meta

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

Writing update

While there won't be any new meta for the time being, here's another update on the current state of my works because, first and foremost, I'm a writer.

Did My Heart Love 'Til Now

I have 45 out 186 scenes of the sequel to CYHMH left to revise. After my illness, I ramped up the pace a little. I'm still cutting unnecessary dialogue and descriptions but add some other stuff when it feels important, which is increasing the wordcount. I'm talking about adding <2k more words to a 330k work, so we're still below the 1% threshold.

When I decided to revise this story, I thought that it was utterly boring and with too much cute domestic Viktuuri and smut--nothing wrong with either, but I felt as if the plot was wanting. I'm quite content with the current work, although it still has a great portion of slice-of-life that dilutes the plot. While in my YOI novelisation slice-of-life made sense to fill the gaps between the episodes and to explore Yuuri and Viktor as well as their relationship, I still think that should be cut down in the sequel. I know I can do better.

Once this revision is done, I will hand it over to my beta of Thousands Spotlights for a first impression (you might call it an alpha-reading if such a thing exists). I don't want to put too much effort into something to find out that I must start from scratch again because it lacks wit and tension. But before I'm ready to have anyone else read this story, I want to have one last look at the smutty scenes as something has turned up I need to handle with utmost care (just as Viktor handles his precious Katsudon).

Speaking of handling with utmost care...

Can You Hear My Heartbeat

As this story is rapidly approaching the Cup of China aka the event at which Yuuri's true Eros shows for the first time, there are some small details in the upcoming chapters, which I must take care of when I will give these chapters their final edit. This won't delay the posting cycle, it's just another thing I will watch out for when I update those chapters for the last time. In addition to my beta of that story, the beta of Vitya's story will assist me with her expertise on the subject.

This whole thing is a little tricky as while I was writing the CYHMH, I unknowingly did something right I had no concept of at that time (we're talking about the period from 2021-2022 and a lot has happened since). Back then, I wrote what made the most sense regarding canon and added a little of my own experience where I could relate to the character's situation. And there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. But when you write about something you have no concept of, you are prone to adding common misconceptions or just produce utter bullshit, and thus I must put all the respective scenes under scrutiny. I'm really anxious to mess it up this time.

I'm sorry that this sounds very cryptic, but at this point it's all very half-baked and not yet at a stage where I can talk about it (I'm not even sure I want to). It's like accidentally writing an autistic-coded character before you know that you're autistic, but because you have no concept of autism, you add harmful stereotypes. (No, that didn't happen here, but you get the idea.)

Anyway, I hope that you will like the result!

#my yoi fic #ADTLTBAverse #can you hear my heartbeat #did my heart love til now #yoi fanfic #yuri on ice #writing update

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

My writing year 2023 vs 2024 - what was and what will be

The end of a year marks nothing but a change in the date as we will write it for the next twelve months, yet it is also a good time to review the past twelve months and to draw a line.

While most of 2023 was a miserable as 2022, there were a few things I am grateful for:

I didn't quit writing. I contemplated it several times because my frustrations about putting myself out there in a new fandom almost killed my love for the craft, but as it turns out, my stubborn heart can't let go.

For the first time in years, I wrote and posted a story (Fiery Birds & Endless Winter) that excited readers and kept them hooked until the end. My frustrations aside that this story was more successful than the story that's most dear to me, this experience restored a bit of my faith in my writing. (Note that successful is relative and to be seen in the context of multi-chapter stories in my current and my former fandom over the last 2-3 years. I'm very well aware that I don't write banger stories.)

I found a beta reader for each of my ongoing stories (CYHMH and Thousand Spotlights), respectively. I took me many months and I was about to give up, but eventually I was blessed with the help of two really amazing and supportive people, which kept me going. (@ my betas: Sorry for my endless complaints and thank you for putting up with me ❤️)

I made my first friend in this fandom.

Outlook for 2024:

I don't do resolutions since they feel fake to me. But of course, I have goals for 2024. My first goal is to continue working on becoming a better writer and create stories that keep readers hooked and reproduce what I (magically) managed with Fiery Birds & Endless Winter. As for CYHMH that's a little late and hardly possible because it's a novelisation, I will keep this goal in mind when I work on the drafts of my ADTLTBAseries. As part 2 (Did My Heart Love 'Til Now) is ready for beta-reading, I will mostly work on part 3 (In Love and War) and revise the chapters I've written so far and then finish writing the rest (that's my second goal, actually).

Unfortunately, I won't be able to dedicate my entire spare time to my wips as in 2024, I'm going to change careers, which is bound to be a massive change that besides training requires lots of preparations. Without going into the details, my future job might help me work towards my goal to write better stories.

Although my YOI meta posts are a mixed bag and I feel that I'm continuously stating the obvious, I'm planning write them a bit more frequently. My list with ideas is long enough to post 1-2 meta per month, but the truth is that I need to be in the right headspace to produce a thoughtful post for those who are interesting in reading my analyses. Knowing the changes ahead, there will be times when I'll rather be in the mood for this than for revision.

I also want to have faith in my writing again, but that's a wish and not something I can actively influence.

I wish everyone who has bothered to read until here a Happy 2024! May you reach your goals and may your dreams come true! ❤️

#my yoi fic #ADTLTBAseries #my yoi meta #can you hear my heartbeat #thousand spotlights #fiery birds and endless winter #in love and war #jen's mind vomit

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

*** new pinned post ***

Hi, I’m a queer fanfic writer who discovered Yuri!!! On Ice about five years after it aired, and I’ve been obsessed with it ever since and ended up writing a series of fanfictions about it that are set pre, during, and post canon.

This post gives you an overview of my works and what to expect from this blog. I will update it from time to time.

Fanfics

Regular updated works

My series starts with an extended and detailed novelisation called Can You Hear My Heartbeat that includes everything I imagined to happen between the episodes (e.g. the summer of mutual pining) and features Viktor as a POV character in addition to Yuuri. It's cute, funny, steamy, and romantic, but also expands on Yuuri's anxiety and insecurities, and Viktor's mental issues. I've did a hell lot of research to write a canonically accurate story with properly depicted figure skating and Japanse culture.

Can You Hear My Heartbeat Chapters: 32/48 Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov Series: Part 1 of A Dream Too Large To Bear Alone Collection: ADTLTBAverse

For more information and text snippets, please check the link or my blog archive. Updates every second Wednesday.

My prequel about Viktor that covers the time from the GPF in Sochi to boarding the plane to Japan to become Yuuri's coach:

Beneath the Shine of a Thousand Spotlights (Prequel to CYHMH) Chapters: 5/14 Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Victor Nikiforov & Christophe Giacometti, Victor Nikiforov & Yakov Feltsman, Makkachin & Victor Nikiforov Collection: ADTLTBAverse

Please note that I don't currently update this story.

Works in the making

I'm working on a series of sequels to CYHMH that narrate the story of Yuuri and Viktor beyond the anime, including lots of domestic Viktuuri, mental health issues, the 2018 Olympics, and figure skating drama (there is no figure skating without drama). These works are in different stages of writing/editing and thus not yet ready for posting.

Did My Heart Love ‘Til Now (“season 1.5”): narrates the rest of the figure skating season from Yuri!!! until World Championships and an important event thereafter. The current draft is 330k words long. Rating: mature or higher. Will be posted right after CYHMH. I'm currently looking for beta readers!

In Love and War (“season 2”): is about Yuuri and Viktor turning from husbands to rivals on the ice while training in St. Petersburg. Rating: mature or higher. First draft is at 66%

Tides of War ("season ?"): A short-novel sized fix-it story about the events of the Beijing Olympics and spring 2022 and how the YOI characters deal with them (especially Viktor). This story was my attempt to cope with these events. Unedited draft.

The Sorrows of Young Vitya (working title): Covers Vitya's childhood and adolescence. This story is the result of all the bits of backstory I invented from him while working on the abovementioned works. It's not a substitute for the movie. Draft at 50%.

More sequels will follow. Please check out my AO3 collection ADTLTBAverse, you will find in there all the stories belonging to my expansion of the YOI canonverse.

Other works (unrelated to my ADTLTBAverse):

A Song of Fiery Birds and Endless Winter Chapters: 15/15 Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Phichit Chulanont & Katsuki Yuuri, Christophe Giacometti & Victor Nikiforov Characters: Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor Nikiforov, Phichit Chulanont, Christophe Giacometti, Celestino Cialdini, Yakov Feltsman

This is my work for the YOI Daydreamer BB about alternate first meetings, in which Yuuri and Viktor meet at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi.

Some stuff about me

I'm not new to writing and certainly not new to fanfiction, but this is the first time I’m writing for such a huge fandom like Yuri!!!, which is quite overwhelming at times.

My pseud is a combination of a book title of the YA fantasy series The Song of the Lioness by Tamora Pierce, which I adored as a teen, and my love for Japanese culture. I love analysing the things I obsess over, and I do this quite excessively, which currently applies to Yuri!!! and results in the occasional meta-analysis on this blog. The results of my meta posts are included in my works. Besides Yuri!!!, I have a secondary special interest in figure skating, and I do my best to integrate this into my fics accurately and correctly. Because of Yuri!!!, I've started learning Japanese.

On this blog, I post about my works, share the occasional snippet and write meta-posts when I need to get stuff out of my system. I also reblog other meta-posts, translations, fanart, and figure skating content. If this resonates with you, please consider giving me a follow.

English is not my first language, but I try my best.

I have less confidence than Katsuki Yuuri, so please be kind.

My ask box is always open. Please feel free to ask whatever you want to know!

You can find my socials in my blog header.

This blog is not a safe space for queerphobes, racists, haters of animation studios, and other kind of bigots. I do not support hate speech and hate campaigns in any form. Misappropriation of my posts for this purpose will result in a block.

#yuri on ice #yoi fic #fanfiction #writing #ao3 #canon fic #yoi meta #figure skating #pinned post #my yoi meta #yoi

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

The terror of messing up your character and the struggles of self-discovery

There's this thing in the upcoming chapters of my YOI novelisation that I fixed (or rather hoped to have fixed correctly), but the thought that I might mess up, scares the wits out of me.

When you dive deep into the personalities of your MCs (as a canon fanfic writer, I do this excessively), you gradually discover all kinds of things not only about your characters but also about yourself. In this process, I sometimes hit the "oops, I accidentally wrote this character as being X" point and this can create quite a mess.

"We don't make mistakes, just happy little accidents." Bob Ross

Unintentionally writing a character as a belonging to a certain demographic like a marginalised group becauss it never even crossed your mind that this would apply to your character, is never a mistake because I can assure you that in most cases, it happens as a part of your own personal journey.

And this is something worth embracing. But it's where the mess comes in.

When you're not aware that you're writing a character in a certain way, when you're not aware that you are projecting a part of your experience you are yet unaware of--be it because you resonate with that character or because it aligns so perfectly with canon (or both)-- you are prone to include details that contradict the portrayal your subconscious creates. These contradicting details either stem from the bias and the misconceptions you were taught and which you internalised, or your ignorance while trying to flesh out your character's personality a bit more. However, as a result, you create a poor representation if it can be called representation at all. (Trust me, I wrote autistic-coded characters before I knew I was autistic.)

In my endeavour to write as close to canon as possible and to fill the gaps and grey areas consistently, I did exactly that. Ironically, my interpretation fits the canon extremely well and cleaning this up will result in a clearer characterisation. However, this also comes with the crushing weight of responsibility because I want my stories to be a safe space for everyone. But there is still so much I have to learn and unlearn and details might slip through my fingers and thwart my attempts of writing a good representation.

I'm really scared of disappointing my readers. I'm scared of hurting readers because I'm doing it wrong (although the same will happen if I took no action at all). Although I have a sensitivity reader for the scenes where it counts, the final result is my responsibility. I'm scared people will come for me if I do it wrong. I'm even scared they will come for me because the representation I'm trying to portray deviates from their preferred flavour.

And to be honest, I'm also scared of losing readers over that refined characterisation because the story might no longer match their expectations. The changes should be small enough that most people shouldn't even notice, but reader taste and expectations have always been a total black box for me. CYHMH has gotten a much better reception since I've started posting again and losing that over a cleaner and more canonical characterisation would devastate me.

When I say "upcoming chapters of CYHMH", I'm referring to the chapters that need urgent fixing because I'm going to post them over the next few weeks. However, as this is a characterisation issue, I must take also care of that in the drafts of the 1 & 2/3 sequels I've written so far.

Not being concrete about the issue was a deliberate choice. At this point, I really don't feel comfortable disclosing what this is about.

#writing #fanfiction #writing update #my yoi fanfic #can you hear my heartbeat #ADTLTBAverse #yoi #yuri on ice #personal journey #canon fanfiction #canonical characterisation #yoi novelisation #jen's mind vomit