#IT’S ALL IVE WANTED TO TALK AVOUT ALL DAY | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

generallybarzy · 4 years

Text

your baby, she’s mine

mat barzal x reader

summary: Your parents aren't thrilled about your relationship with Mathew. You don't care what they think, but Mat takes their criticism so hard it creates a little break in your relationship, and he just really wants a redo. (This is mostly based on single by the neighborhood but I also added some 5sos Lover of Mine in there bcs ive been listening to it for like 4 hours straight) warnings: swearing?, age gap (18-22, not super big). word count: ~2,650 ish

It had been 10 days now since the incident with your parents.

It had been a week now since Mat started avoiding you.

You had been so amazing to hang out with, to go out with, to laugh with, to fall asleep, and wake up with. He really, really, really liked you. He knew he did. So why did he let a little bit of criticism be the thing that tore your relationship apart?

The two of you had only been dating for two months, but you had been pining after him for a long time, ever since your close friend- a girlfriend of one of his teammates- introduced you. You became friends really fast, which was good, but it also came with months of pining after him and having to see countless girls flirt with him and knowing about his hookups with them every now and then. So when you finally got over yourself and all but begged him to stop, he broke down to you and confessed that you’d been the only one on his mind for months. The emotions were hard to control, finally knowing that you liked him back- god, it was so good. He wanted to keep you forever, wrap himself up in your warmth and your joy, protect you, love you. It was crazy, unlike anything he'd felt before. But he was still caught off guard when he came over to visit you one day and was greeted by the disapproving faces of your parents who had come to make sure she was adjusting well to living on her own and who, as he soon realized, had no idea their precious baby girl was dating anybody.

He knew something was wrong the moment you opened the door. “Hey, baby. Thought I’d swing by before the game for some-” You shook your head, signaling him to stop and opened the door further to reveal who he assumed were your parents standing behind you with questioning looks on their faces. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"Mat, these are my parents. And, uh, this is Mat. We're dating" he saw them exchange a look and your father scowled a bit.

“Mat? The same Mat who kept breaking your heart for months?” Ouch. His heart dropped to the fucking floor. Shit, he already had a bad reputation with them, but honestly, he couldn’t blame you for complaining about his past habits. They’d probably heard you cry over him a lot.

Fine. He had thought to himself. Didn't expect to meet the parents today, but I’m sure I can still get on their good side. That hopeful thought was gone a minute later when the interrogation began. Your parents seemed to have a problem with everything about him. Okay, yes. Maybe he had met you at a post-game party, but that didn’t mean you were only a starstruck fan. No, he wasn’t just hooking up with you for fun! Okay, he might be four years older than you but that’s really not that big a difference- you’re an adult, not a baby.

Okay, he’d admit that he had gotten a little bit defensive to your parents when they lowkey accused him of taking advantage of a young fan who was just idolizing him. That was a fucked up thing to say. “She’s not a child. She’s not your baby, she’s my baby.” He was grumbling under his breath but everyone heard. And oh boy did it start something.

Your parents- especially your father- wouldn’t stop, no matter how much you begged them. You were so young, you had your whole life ahead of you, they argued. You could be out on the dating scene meeting the perfect man to marry one day, not hooking up with the man who had hurt you for months and taken your focus away from furthering your education. “If I know anything about professional athletes,” Your father said, pointing an accusing finger at Mat, “They don’t want serious relationships this young, just quick hookups, and you should be able to see that by now!” By the end of the night, Mat had sunk down into his seat, quiet and red-faced, holding back everything he wanted to say. It wasn’t him at all, and you hated seeing him so defeated. The day ended with him leaving for a game, sad and quiet, and you practically kicked your parents out, quickly texting Mat and begging him to come back.

You had apologized profusely for their actions, but still, every day after that was tiring. He would barely text back, he didn’t come back over after the game that night and you knew he needed cuddles after a rough loss. He didn’t come over after practice the next day, and it wasn’t long before you received a text from him. All it said was: “I think your parents are right. I’m sorry baby”.

And, no matter how many questions you sent, that was the last you’d heard from him in the past week.

Mathew hadn’t stopped thinking about you all week. He missed you, but what your father had said was still gnawing away in the back of his mind. You were still young, you could be bettering yourself, he shouldn't be distracting you. He had broken your heart. You could do so, so much better than him. But he was suffering without you, and his teammates could tell.

After another long, tiring practice, Mat wasn’t looking forward to going home alone and spending the rest of the day thinking about you, so he was happy when Tito offered a distraction by taking him out to eat someplace that he claimed had the best food. He’d been a little confused at how much his friend was hyping the place up, and even more confused when they arrived at a cute little cafe. After entering, it didn’t take long for Mat’s eyes to spot you, sitting all alone in the corner, sipping on a drink and scrolling through your phone, looking just as tired as him, if not worse.

No. No, no, no. It's such a bad idea to be near you. As much as it hurt him, it was for the best that he should stay away and keep himself out of your life, and being alone with you was the last thing he needed right now.

But, shit, it felt so good to see you again.

“What the hell.” He turned to glare at his friend. "I can't-"

“You need to talk to her. You’ve been so mopey and sad and you sucked at practice today and we all know it’s because of her.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“Seriously, you’re dumb to ignore her. Like really stupid. Fix it.” Mat cast another glance in your direction, making sure you didn’t notice him yet.

“I shouldn’t.”

“Why not? Because her parents don’t like you? You know that’s not a big deal.”

“Yeah, it is. Because they’re right. I’ve hurt her and she deserves a lot more than me.” Tito just laughed and shook his head.

“And you don’t think you’re hurting her now by ignoring her? Go talk to her. She misses you. And I know you miss her too.” Before Mat could argue or leave the cafe, Tito looked over in your direction and waved. “Hey, (Y/N)!” You looked up to smile at your friend and wave back, eyes going sad when you saw Mat standing almost awkwardly behind him. Giving his friend a slap on the back and a nudge in your direction, Tito left, leaving Mat to finally talk to you.

He looked so sad, you noticed, as he hesitantly approached your booth. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a soft hoodie, one that you often used to steal from him when you had a bad day, and his hair looked just as soft as always but a little bit messier. As he slid into your booth across from you, and you could finally see him up close, the way the week apart had taken its toll on him, how tired he looked, as if he hadn’t been getting sleep at night. How his eyes, which usually only held joy around you, were sad and dull as if all the life had been drained out of him. “Hey.”

“It’s been a while, Mat.” You still hadn’t smiled at him since he sat down, but he knew he couldn’t blame you. You sat in silence for a few uncomfortable moments, something uncommon for the two of you. He hated it so much. He didn’t want to feel this wrong when he was with you, so wrong that he couldn’t even meet your gaze. He fucked it up so bad. “You wanna tell me why you went from being practically attached to me to avoiding me completely?”

He sighed and looked up at you softly. “I’m sorry.”

“That doesn’t fix it.” Your voice was soft, delicate, sounding like it was about to break, but the way your eyebrows were furrowed up let Mat know that you were upset with him.

“I know.”

“It doesn’t answer my question, either. You don’t have to listen to my parents, you know. We care about each other, that’s all that matters.”

“Baby-” He paused, not knowing if he should’ve called you that or not. It didn’t feel like he should, but it felt so, so good. “(Y/N), I know I shouldn’t have let them get to me so much but… as much as it hurts... they are right.”

“Right about what? The part where they said you're just hooking up with me for fun? The way they said I'm still a baby and I can’t make choices for myself yet?”

“No, no!” He held his hands up to calm you, wanting so badly to take your hand in his, but again not knowing if it would be appropriate to do so. “Listen. I’ve…” He dropped his hands flat onto the table, giving up any hope of getting to touch you. “They were right about how I hurt you. I broke your heart already. Over and over. I fucked us up already.” His voice was cracking, and even though you knew he wouldn’t let himself cry, especially here, you could tell he wanted to.

“Mat…”

“You’re fucking beautiful, (Y/N). You could get anybody you want. Anybody. You’re young and hot and pursuing a career, and I can’t hold you back from that. You should be dating someone that can be there for you all the time. I’m always busy, and I always end up hurting you. I do care avout you, a lot, but you deserve a lot better than I could ever give you.”

“No, shut the hell up!” Mat looked up. startled. He’d honestly never seen you angry before. “Mathew, there’s nobody better than you. There’s nobody else I want. And you’re not holding me back.” You reached over to take his hand in yours and immediately, Mat responded by lacing your fingers together, thankful to finally feel your touch after a week of separation. You continued, voice softer this time. “Mat, I don’t care that you’ve hurt me in the past. It’s in the past, and it was unintentional. I’m not upset over that. I love you, ya know?” Finally, for the first time in a week, a true, honest smile stretched across Mat’s face, lighting up your heart and making you feel butterflies as if it was the first time again.

“I love you too, baby.” You stood from your booth and slid in next to him, letting him press a kiss against your cheek, keeping it short and sweet in public.

“Mat, the only thing I’m upset about is how you ignored me for a week.”

“I know. Fuck, I know. This past week has been the biggest mistake of my life. Not being able to see you, touch you, even hear you say my name... I'm so sorry, and I swear I’m never going to let you go again because in the past few months, being with you is the only thing I got right. I’m so sorry. I never want to let you go again.” You smiled and wrapped your arms around his waist, tucking yourself into his side. “Are we good?”

“We’re good, Mat. So good.” He held you against him, just taking the moment to enjoy the fact that he finally had you back in his arms. God, he was never going to let you go.

“I still want a second chance at meeting your parents, though.”

You laughed a bit at his persistence. “Are you sure? Last time wasn’t so great.”

“I’m sure I can get on their good side. And if not, oh well.”

“Alright then. Woo them with that Barzal magic. I know you can do it.”

Next weekend, you called your parents back to visit, not telling them that Mat was going to be there. Mat came extra early, dressed nice but not too formal, in contrast to the fact that he had been in all sweats at their last meeting, with his hair styled nicely. It made your heart flutter, seeing the lengths he was going to to get your parent’s approval, even if it really meant nothing in the end. He smiled and shook their hands when they arrived, even though they obviously weren’t too thrilled. He helped set the table for dinner and offered some stories that made your mom smile. By the time dinner was over and he offered to wash the dishes for you, it was obvious your mom trusted him. “No, Mat I think my mom and I need some time to talk. Why don’t you go watch tv with my dad.” You smiled sympathetically, knowing it was really your dad Mat was trying to win over now.

So he took a deep breath and went to the small living room of your apartment where your dad was flipping through the channels on the TV.

“Okay, I’m just gonna say my stuff, then.” Mat stood beside the TV, nervous as your father’s eyes shot up to look at him. “I know you’re still unsure about (Y/N) dating me, and for good reasons. I know she’s young and you're worried about her in the big city, but she’s an adult, and she can make choices for herself, and she loves me. I love her, too.” Your dad sighed and muted the TV, sitting up and turning his full attention towards Mat. He looked him over, obviously trying to gauge something about him.

“Do you know how often my daughter used to call us, crying that her best friend ignored her calls and blew off their plans to hook up with some random girl?”

Your father’s words felt like knives through his heart. It hurt knowing how much you cared for him even before he knew it, but he continued. “Trust me, I know I’ve hurt her, broken her heart, and I’ve apologized to her so many times, so now I’m going to apologize to you. I’m sorry for ever making her go through all the heartbreak. I seriously never meant to hurt her. I never meant to hurt your baby and I swear I’ll never do anything to hurt her ever again. You can trust me to keep her safe out here. So will you let your baby be mine?” There was silence for a few long moments before Mat sighed. Well, that was all he could do. “Alright, I’m done with the speech, but I’m just gonna say that no matter how you feel about it, I’m still going to love her.” He was about to leave the room before he heard the man let out a small, amused laugh.

“You seem like a good guy. Mathew.” Mat bit back a smile, waiting to hear how he would continue. Your dad sighed, defeated. “I’m sorry for judging you too early. You’re fine.” Mat finally let out his smile. He did it! Your dad was okay with him! You’re fine. You’re fine. The words kept ringing in his ears. “Just know that if you ever hurt her again, I don’t care how much of an all-star you are...” He gave him a pointed look, but Mat had nothing to worry about.

“That’ll never happen, sir.” He added 'sir' just for good measure, wanting to stay on you family's good side. He caught your smiling gaze from the other side of the room, feeling his heart fluttering in his chest at just the sight of you washing the dishes and smiling up at him. “Trust me. I’ll be here for a long time.”

#mat barzal #drabble #lyrics #nhl writing #mathew barzal #mine #my post #op #fanfiction #imagine #fic

219 notes · View notes

kissmymongoose · 3 years

Text

Life update: half bro is out and about but at least taking his meds some days. He hasnt bothered me too badly ever since he came over here and tried to steal my 7 year olds bike 😒. I literally jumped on him and knocked him off before he got out of the yard. It made me mad, cause the only reason he did it was to start some shit. Like, you have a no trespassing order, go the fuck on 😑 anywho. Off that topic now.

In other news, my snow peas are doing pretty good even with the wild bunnies chomping on them.

I got my copy of Practical Magic this week, and hubbs is holding on to the prequel of it along with a copy of The Hobbit for me. Im already getting christmas presents 😂 but for real though, i want him to hold on to then for me till christmas. The past few years we havent been able to get each other anything we really wanted to. And no, Christmas isnt about gifts, but when your special someone has a chance and goes out of their way to order the things youve mentioned (and havent asked for) its a really nice feeling. I feel heard and valued. I mentioned the books and i mentioned a nail polish set i really really liked- im not one for beauty products normally- and without a second though he ordered it. I basically just talked avout the items saying i would like to wait till my birthday and maybe get one of the books and eff the nail polish cause even though i love it i would feel bad for spending the money on a product i dont use every day. Wellll, he ordered the nail polish (it is the loud laquer Bailey Sarian Aqua Tofana set) and started his search for the books. He actually felt bad that he couldn't get them all in hardback, which doesnt even bother me 😂

Well of course im like save it for christmas! But, he convinced me to pick a book and take the polish now. 😁😁 lets just say ive already done my nails twice and my toes are done 😂

I have psoriasis on my some of my nail beds, so thats while you'll see pitting on the pointer finger nail, but honestly it covers so well! There are a few polishes ive uses before that seem to make the imperfections more obvious, but these polishes, even the glitter polish have amazing color with only one or two coats.

As for my book, im waiting patiently to start reading. I get very angry if im interrupted while im reading, and seeing as I have two kids under 10, i am gonna have to find the perfect time to start reading. Probably after they go to bed 😂

Weve gotten the kitchen moved around some and today I get to go get our new washing machine. Ours was nice enough to flood the kitchen a few times before i finally got pissed. I tried to repair it at home, i really did. But for this type of washer, you really need to remove it from your house first. There is no easy way to drain it. No filter catch or anything. Just two pipes connected to the pump, and located literally beneath the drum 😬 if you dont know, then that means the only way youre gonna drain the bitch is if you have a large wetvac to handle the mess. Oh excuse me, the only way without making a huge mess. Just ask my kitchen floor 🙁 buuut, we are gonna go get a brand spanking new one, because we learned a valuable lesson a few years ago with buying used machinery. Ill just go ahead and make it a long story short--- we got fucking roaches a while back from a used washing machine. It took us almost a year and several visits from pest control to solve the problem. To this day I dont trust leaving my drink out. Ill waste it instead of drinking it if i set it down for more than say 2 minutes. It was literally a fucking nightmare and i felt like my house wasnt my own. It took months to try to get rid of the filth and destruction they caused. So yeah, NOT doing that shit again. The cost for a new one is worth not having to risk a pest outbreak again. It seriously cost a lot more to deal with the bugs than to avoid the bugs altogether. Anyway. Not trying to get tied up on that lol, just want to stress it because I never would have imagined the horrors I would have to deal with just for getting a used machine. if this helpes someone else not make that mistake then great. And heres the thing, no one is gonna tell you if its got bugs, and sometimes theyre kept in storage and the owners dont know they have bugs. But its still a nasty shock to the people who get the machine and bring it into their house.

Onto some other shit: the kids are used to their bunk bed now, and it has opened up a lot of space for us in that bedroom. Im extremely happy with how it all turned out, because i was afraid they would be climbing all over it or jumping around and being rough, but they know its their bed and that we have to respect it and take care of it. I went through the kids clothes last week and got rid of stuff that doesnt fit, and organized everything. I have a lot more i want done by Christmas, but this is definitely a good start.

0 notes

strawberryspeachy · 4 years

Text

I wonder if im about to get fired again

Last year i got fired because a teacher who acted like he wanted to be my friend hated when I reciprocated that want.

Ive worked with about 55 other teachers since him and none of them

Ask about my weekend every week. Ask about my friends. Ask about my personal life. Stare at me in the office. Lean over me and touch me. Come look through my folder that im holding to just point out the paper im looking for (they just offer me a new one if they think i dont have it)

But. I was totally stalking him. And got fired.

Now im working at 2 schools

One with 4/5 horrible teachers

The other with 4/5 wonderful teachers

At the horrible teacher school one has been (and i dont say this about people often. Actually ever. I assume ppl hate me... but this woman has bee - well)

K so i made a newsletter for the schools. The good school put it out for the students and that was that. The bad school told me i could distribute it. So i asked this teacher where

She took me into the hallway and showed me a board. She told me to put the papers on those walls. And then she gave me pins. So i did.

Then she told my company i put papers up without permission

Ive worn the same clothes to all 7 schools ive worked at plus two camps. Never got a complaint. Until now. She complained about my skirt and socks

She said in a fly away statement when i started that because were teachers we cant travel because of corona and must stay home - it irriated me because i clearly understood that she was telling me that i need to stay home when im not working. Fuck that! But i just agreed with her. Her first question after my summer break was “you had a long vacation, did you go anywhere”

She asked in a happy voice - pretending that was wanted to hear about something exciting. But. Bitch i have a good memory. I told her i mostly stayed home and only went to a nearby town.

K so like. Thing is. She knows im probably lying (cause im young and not from this country. No one would stay home for a month) so the way she responded was kinda pissed off that she cant prove me wrong or report me or anything - then in the middle of class she asked about my housemates

1) i have no control over them

2) your first question was already invasive and this is stupid

3) youve asked me a question that i cant answer correctly. If i say i dont know youll say i might have corona because my housemates probably brought it home. If i say they went out - same thing. If i say they stayed home - another obvious lie. I told her that they are all students and had class so I think they were home. Again. She was annoyed by this answer

She constantly makes side remarks about “foregners”

She wont translate the questions that students ask her to ask me - and when i understand them and answer she acts flustered and annoyed

Shes bad at english and writes shit incorrectly - gives it to me to cold read - then gets mad when i trip over shit thats written incorrectly

She changed the song early last month because I liked it

She talks to me like im a clown hindering the class - walking over and telling me (a person standing quietly waiting for instruction) that now the students must study - the way a parent would tell a 7 year old not to bother the sleeping dog.

I TRIED to have a normal conversation with her because she seemed to be trying and i felt bad. She said it was hot and cold off and on and told me what temperature it would he the next day in celcius. I just said oh. And felt the tention. So i tried to ease it by chuckling and telling her “sorry. You know how america uses Fahrenheit? I dont really understand celcius.” She immediately —- wait hold on

This school makes us write down our temperature in the morning as though that does ANYTHING to stop corona - they dont even check - she harrassed me upon walking in the door to WRITE DOWN MY TEMPERATURE

—- k so no. No easy conversation. She immediately got serious and went how do you understand celcius for your body temperate then??? I told her i convert it.

A couple periods late she inturrupted another teacher talking to me about class and stopped me from going to class to ask me ‘if you dont know celcius how do you write your temperature down in the morning?!?’’ I told her i have a japanese thermometer and just write down what it says. Then she tried to play if off and chuckled like - oh ha i was just wondering. Whats the difference (her face was like enraged before that btw) she asked what the average temperature in Fahrenheit is and i quickly spit out 98.6 while grabbing my book to leave for the class i was now running late for

Shes full on feuding with a boy who “CANT SPEAK JAPANESE” and is “NOT JAPANESE” she tried not to bitch but also bitch about him to me - through this i learned that his mom is Australian. He was born in Japan. Also if her english didnt suck so much she would know that hes not fluent in english

She like the other teachers ask me questions that they dont want answers to. And sometimes is not even just - i wanna write this sentence wrong - does it make sense

No. It doesnt (correct answer- anything you write is correct. Dont worry. Dont ask me. Your perfect)

A couple weeks ago she told me that the song the other teacher chose is a japanese song that was translated into english. She asked it its gramattically correct. I told her that songs dont need to be grammatically correct so its fine. Then she asked me if it makes sense. I told her that its a bit vague but its fine.

She didnt know what vague meant. She asked me to write it down so she could look it up later. Not sure how she took that as an insult but Im sure she did.

And the song is vague. Id figured out that it was a song that was either written for a weird tv show or translated from something else before she even told me

Shes always late for class. She doesnt even leave for class until the bell rings. If she walks in and i was talking with the students - she looks highly uncomfortable - so ive stopped talking to them before she arrives

She wont let them ask me questions. Only her (these past two points go for the other crappy teachers too)

She cant make up her mind whether she wants me to say hello first or her. She cant make up her mind on what she wants me to read or whether she wants me to stop at commas or read full paragraphs or what - and she gets annoyed when i cant read her mind avout it —the others do this too

She reads sentences she wrote (incorrectly) out loud even more wrong - but apparently (going from her face) even though she doesnt know the word for fucking SENTENCES - and calls them “englishes” she heard me add the s to a word that should have been plural but she wrote as singular. She never says the fucking plurals or adds them where they shouldnt - but of course she heard my quick slip of adding an s onto a fucking word

- which really just shows thats she pays way more attention trying to find me doing something wrong than literally ANYTHING ELSE she does

Theres more. Im tired. And so very stressed. Tomorrow i have a meeting after school which i told my company rhat if they want my time they should pay me for it and told them theyre welcome to come to my schools (the one i like and normally can he stress free and get home early from) station

They made up bs as to why they can pay others but not me but did say theyre gonna come to the station

Last tome with the fucking “hanging stuff up without permission” i was of couse told i was in the wrong (BECAUSE JAPANESE CAN DO NO WRONG) and forced to say that i need to communicate better 3 times

Howd i start this? Watch me get fired? Yea i was fired on like the 23rd last year. Watch me get fucking fired again - for again. One racist ass peice of shit teacher

“Well you just gotta suck it up and accept where you are on the food chain” k look. Do you know how much easier and less stressed id be if i was able to do that?! I just. CANT ok. I refuse to think that i am less of a person than any other person. People can treat me that wat and do all they want. But i refuse to think that i am lesser. I am a person. And if i have to respect them they should respect me. Its a reciprocal fucking thing i cant fucking kiss ass

I lived in a house with a woman who wanted me to kiss her ass - and i basically chose not to be treated like a dormat and pike she was my lord. And thus got mentally and emptionally abused for 24 years.

I cant fucking kiss ass. I can be polite. But i cant kiss fucking ass dude. I just cant

0 notes

ilygsd · 6 years

Text

ok so the question is if im gonna open nyself up to him and tell him i had like 25262 anxiety attacks these 2 last days or if i should just ignore it and pretend that im super cool and all is fine and what r u talking abt??? i wasnt freaked out at all? i was just chilling all day lmaooo

he will see through me wont he..... but if i dont tell him then maybe he thinks im getting better at u know holding stuff in i mean HE DOESNT CARE ANYWAYS IM OBVIOUSLY DOING IT FOR HIM

i am the list pathetic human being in this world. anyone wants to know for how long ive known this guy? HAHAHAHAHA BITCH IVE GROWN EMOTIOKALLY DEPENDANT ON GUYS I HAVENT EVEN MET that was wilde and i would rather not talk abt that fuck brain stfu sont bring up him

anYwAySs i feel better cus he replied

im just gonna pray i wont get emo and anxious when i get to him

i hate that he thinks everything i do is manipulative. he says he doesnt think i do it on purpose...... does that mean i actually AM manipulative? NO ITS JUST HOW IM FEELING I CANT STAND BEING AVABDONED AND OFC ILL DO ANYTHING I CAN ILL BEG ON MY KNEES OR SET THEM ON FIRE IF I HAVE TO i-is t-that..... m-m-manipulat-tive....

god i cant believe he basically said he cant be with me unless i learn to love myself BUTTT it has to be ”on my conditions” do that means i cant love myself to make him stay it means i’ll have to ACTUALLY try and love myself LMAOOO

and ghat will absolutely not happen and this ugly masternind will see through my lies (hes a bit too paranoid tho like he thinks im lying even when i tell the truth ugh) even if i pretend to love myself i mean i cant have these vreakdowns if i love myself right and i will most certainly have these breakdowns and then i absolutely CAN NOT LET HIM KNOWWW BUT I HAVE ZERO IMPULSE CONTROL SO HE WILL KNOW ABYWAYS

oh god he will leave me anyways

but you know what..... thats cool bc we’re gonna stop dating soon anyways

im obviously too unstable he thinks im too immature

also him and his weird ass goals, he even told me he wants to bleach his teeth bc ”im gonna be a poltician, all piliricsn has white shiny teeth” his teeth are already white?? wth

i hate when he does that it creeps the fuck out of me like when he showed up in a nice suit and im like oooh nice feeling fancy today ;)))) and hes like ”no im just making myself comfortable if im gonna be a serious and respect politicsn/psychologist i have to dress like one”

when he threatened to murder me TWICEEEE but then goes like ”i wouldnt actually murder you, that would ruin my future career” OH THANKS SO MUCH YOU EDGY BITCH

so yeah sooner or later he will dump me. also his expectations of sex...... also he literally dont seem to bond at all wheb having sex its like in and out and then maybe some cuddle if he’ nice

ok in exaggerating sex is actually nice with him at least last time but maybe im just thinkin that visnum attracted to him. its like the other way around for us. i told him LOVE is whats behind my sex. i said ofc sexual attraction too but i could probably find some ugly dude attractive if i LOVED them. not gj my ex though ghats sad bc i certainly do love them.... ugh anyways he was low key offended he was like ”if u think in ugly but just love me i’ll cut you” I WAS IFFENDED LIKE EXCUSE ME YOURE THE ONE WHO SEES OUR RELATIONSHIP AS A FUCKING WHORE CONTRACT and hes likes ”yeah”

and thats where i lost my shit :———)

BUT ITS COOL I NEED TO VE ALONE ABD IBDEPENDANT ANYWAYS JUST DONT GO BACK TO YOUR EX THAT WOULD BE SO SHOTTY OF ME I NEED TO SUFFER ALONE ABD GET THINGS DONE BUT AT THE SAME TIME I ALSO NEED TO PRACTICE ABD HES SO GOOD AT PRACTICING REALTIONSHUPS IWTH BC HE DOEST CARE OR GET HURT LMAO only angry and i guess thats his way of ”getting hurt” ugh

i dont need him. hes still a dumb fkn centrist, making racist jokes right in front of my face sometimes he REALLY MADE AN ADOPTION-NO-ONE-LOVED-YOU JOKE IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING FACE WHEN I OPENED UP AVOUT MY ADOPTION THE VERY ISSUE AND REASON I AM LIKE THIS

i actually cant believe he did ghat, i didnt even realise he did until he apologized and made sure ”it was just a stupid joke” and even then i didnt register it. idk he’s dumb as shit its so fkn weird how much i let him hurt my feelings bc if it was someone else i’d fuxk them in the asshole but im just here letting him fuck me over bc i blame it on is aspd bug actually its just an excuse bc..... bc...... bc..... i dont want him to leave OH FUCK IT REALLY IS LIKE THAT RIGHT I REALLY AL STUCK ON HIM GREAT

whatever you do dont fkn devalue him. omg omg u dont eant it to end like with your ex bff who made u depressed and suicidal and now u will live the rest of your life in INTENSE SHAMEEEE bc of how u treated her and reacted to her leaving you DONT ACT LIKE THAT WHEN HE LEAVES YOU DINT

i probably wont. i wouldnt dare to. i thought i could manipulate my ex bff by scaring and threatening her but i couldnt abd i KNOW i wont ve able to with him. i’ll probably just fall into self-hatered self pity and despair abd maybe secretely stalk his social media but i wouldnt dare to do anything

ugagahIbwlsbslsksvdjsnsksbs my bRaINnNn

#diary #jo

0 notes

futanaritalizorah · 7 years

Text

Please...let me sleep... *hugs shiba kiba inu tight* my body refuses this medicine...i just feel exhausted all the time as a result...ans tonight in particular i canr shut my brain off...just long enough to stop being sick... I pray harder...i told connor i used to pray to god...angry but...i founf myseld being more thankful...this was months ago...now i find myself just praying for forgiveness...praying for more...more for us...there has to be more...i prqy until i fall asleep...cause i dont want my mind to wander...i pray cquse i have to believe theres some purpose to it all... i pray Cause if you cant give closure...rhen god certainly will...im in his hands.... So i pray now...cause im scared...and lonely...and tired...and exhausted...and just wanting resf from being sick every other time....i pray xause all i have is shiba kiba inu. And i hope nemo still looks out for you as shiba kiba inu does for me on nivhts like these. Or mornings im a wreck and wont haul my ass out of bed. Im a mess This fever has me so emotional too so gr9 Ugh i just wanna know whag i did wrong When theres a liar right in your face. Theyre nor even rral. They xatfiahed a person...they told ypu i banned them feom ts when i didnt do sucg a thing....why am i still the one thats the liar t.T i pointed oit they mighr use uou and...so what...now im at fault? We all got played yet i feel like im mpre wrong for knowing it than the person eho was actually responsible...t.T Wpply that to wvery other sitition. I wasnt responsible for people leaving. Thwy left xause of their own accord t.T im tired of being blamed I wanna be blamed for beinf stupid for stayibf tgis lonf. I want jose eric ans savid to slap me causr i stayed when they told me i need to looj out for myself t.t i wanna slap myself xause i was nice and stupid and dis things out of love for you but...where was thay love foe me. Why didnt i love myself enough to know i deserve better. Self respect. Why. Connor. Ufh. Connor. I told connor i prayed kinder things now. He left me as well. He left me as well. But i dont vlame him. I wouldnt wanna see me in this rut either. Hugs shiba kiba inu hugs harder* :c i dojt vlame people for wanting to leave me Please god just let me sleep T.T my mind is tired tonight. Please never let him feel this way. Ever. Cauae its so crippling to live this way. I hate crawling our of bed in the afternoon T.T i hate aleeping angry. Confusrd. Sad. Lonely. Betrayed. Usrd. I haye not beinf comfortable in my own skin because every ounce of love was misconstdued and tuened against me. That kell hoe catfished and im still cwlled manipulativw. Fun fact: kell lied. Not me. Kell lied about his/her/ their life. So they lied avout whay thwy told uou. Aris has photos. Gold has experience. Val has screen shots. Kevin streamed it all. Theres picture qns video peoof. And you chose fqke eveeu time. Thats not on ME cwuse YOU chosr fqke. I cant bring myself to be around you cause im not gonna be confused as one of those fake friends. You treat those frienda you,have well. They...are a solid 100% bunch. I was fown and shit on myself and...each one...showed up...they sgowed up abd made sure i was ok. You have great friends. Dobt confuse a pretry fucking catfishing face as a friwnd Because i lost a friend too when i found about kell. She promisrd she woildnt hurt me. And look who cobtrivuted to mwking a mockery of my,life. Kell fucked me up in ways you wont understand. All you see is a pretrt xatfishibg giel thay rwjected ypu. Worse? She played with youe fwelings. But i could have told u thay. Elligator (that fucker you were fihting with in allies?) Also had a thibg going on with kell before ann. Surprise. Ik that cwuse kell played innocent but i didnt judge. Not until she stwrted making you into one of hee toys too. You idiot. I looked out for you. Kelsrara? U told the gm not to t2ll me cwus3 im crazy. And im your ex. You idiot. I knew long befoee becwuse kelsara kept harassinf me.i have ss of thay as well. In fact keyrus had to step in becaus3 kelsara just wouldnt stop harassibf me T.t you wnna se eharasment?? You fucking see the shit i had to deal with because od the lies *you* made and the mistakes *you* made. I had to deal with the afteemath abd i had to d3al with youe byllshit when u went aeound and told people slander aboht me. I knew! And i didnt *hate* you. What made me not stqnd yoy was your lies about me! Ask kell! I knew about kelsar! I knew! Ask aris! Yet i didnt fucking attack you qbout it when you cqme back to the gqme. I knew and i didnt bothee you qbout it T.T i deqlt with it. Like a fuckong human. I dealth with it So dont yoy fucking say you didnt hurt me. Cause you hqve no right to sqy you didnt hurt me. Cwuse thqts qll ive felt. Alll i wanted to hear was a solid stoey od what i did to you. Not one of them hqd stoei3s vexauae you hqve none. I loved you. With qll my heart. I cared too muchm that is called love So fuckinf decide if you want real or fake. Cquse i gave you real stories that are long lasting. Your lies will run out. You wre more thwn thia so stop lyinf. You left the pawn shop cquse you didnt like tueninf people away. You wanted to help. Stop calling me crazy and every othee shot when i speak the world of you despite qll this shit you keep pilinf on me. Knoe who made tge mistakes. I didnt fuckinf do shit with kell or kelsarq. Those were your mistakes. Not mine. In fact i told everyone rlse the sqme shit. I told them to ruck pff you xause you made mistqkes vut you dont deserve to be crucified. We qll deserve bettee *hugs shiba kiba inu* Im tired of sobbing qnd nobody hears a thinf. Fuxkinf do me a favor and log into swtor. Fuckinf app is too nuch of a pussu to tqlk to you avout liquidatinf. He wants to sell the fuild. If you dobt log in > he gets gm > he sells the guild O am i mqnipulativw again? No you fuck. Peoplr have disappointed me relebtlessly. I am the burxen of bad news. Why? Cause i fucking tqlk 5o them. I listen. That is how i know. So fucking get online and kick or whatever or discuss it witha pp. O hate hes doinf this when he could just discuss it. Ill hqte myself foe tellinf u thos cquse youll find a way to say i wqs reaponsible foe it. And ill hqte you for blaming me again. And then ill hqte myself cause i let you blame me agaib. I warned you cause youre a friebd...or...once a friend...idk...you said we werent driensa...you tell me Ik where i wanna stand. Im tired of feeling lost like an animal looking dor a home. I sound angey tellinf you this but underatand where im coming feom. My options are thin. You dobt teust me for God knows what reason. Here, lets say app doea get the guild and aella it...youre fonna blame me xquse i simply *knew* about it. But im hoping you know bettwe than to do that cause i pointed it out before it happened. I cqnt even comfortably talk to app abymore ever aince he admitted to wanting to liquidate shit. So i cant. I cqnt wqtch this unwind in front of me. I cqnr watch a supposed friend of yours liquidate the guild. And what? Youll come back homeless? I cqnt watch cause your "friend" is reaponsible for that Lets say i could have warned you. Could i have? Could i prwvwnt this feom hqppenibg? Or will you blow it in my face as me teykng to mqnipulatw people This was apps idea. Npt mine. Im simply relaying tge msg. I never hated you. So get your fucking eggs in a line. Cause im not th3 one fucking you,over. Kell, kels, and now...possibly app Thats what im deqlinf with even tho,youve been gone. I wish app wpuld just discuss it with you. He thinjs youre gone forever. Nah. I doubt it. Othwrwise that fuild would be gone officiaply. God just fix your shit before you blame me for it. I gried so hard. You kee0 nlaming me for wbeeythinv goinf weonf in your life. I only remember being ypue biggest supportwr next to your mom. What the fuck ever. I warned you...so please...dont hate me for knpwing...he might npt liquidate it if you come back to the game...itll give him a reason to play...but...sigh...im tired of beinf the bad person...i try to avoid peoppe from seeinf u thay way...uve just had toufh days...but...u uraeld paint me in that light... So ..self respect... whats wronf with me

0 notes