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solitaria-fantasma · 5 years

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Dark Arts and Demons - Ch. 35

The ‘spicy’ ice cream was actually quite delicious, and (once he’d worked up the courage) Penn shyly asked Savina Pepper if he could have another.

As he retreated back to his ‘private’ booth with the succulent treat, the spirit skirted around the edge of the room to avoid the people still remaining. Mr. Kingsmen had pulled the real Arthur outside to ‘have a talk’ as soon as the group had broken up, and the scary blue-haired girl - Vivi - had left with the dog-beast, Mystery. They had books at home that they needed to read, to know how to safely pull Penn out of his Arthur’s body, and put Arthur back in.

She had pulled Lewis aside before she’d left, and whispered - all while side-eyeing Penn where he sat huddled in his booth - to ‘keep an eye on that one’.

Penn had tried not to take it too personally.

But Lewis didn’t try to approach Penn until a little while after Vivi had left, and the restaurant floor had been detail-cleaned. Pepper Paradiso had a reputation to uphold, after all. Eventually, however, there had been nothing left to do, and Lewis had (somewhat hesitantly) approached the only occupied booth.

“Hey...” Penn winced, and sank a little lower in the booth seat. He’d been quietly hoping that Lewis would just watch him from a distance, like Vivi had been. “Listen, I’m, um. I’m sorry. About calling you ‘dangerous’ before.” Lewis rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “We thought you were someone who’s done very...very bad things to us,” Gods above, was that an understatement. “And...we were scared-”

“That I might hurt your family.” Penn finished sullenly. Lewis winced. When it was said out loud like that-...well, no. It sounded terrible either way. But he’d been hoping not to have to say it out loud, anyway. “You do not have to worry.” Penn fidgeted nervously with the milkshake glass, turning it back and forth on the table and drawing his finger through the condensation on the outside. “I will not hurt these people.” He promised. “They have all been very nice to me.”

“...mm.” Lewis hummed, and shifted on his feet. Penn wondered why he did that. Wasn’t this man a spirit, like he was? He was pretty sure normal people couldn’t change themselves into a flaming skeleton…and survive, at least. “May I sit down?” Lewis asked, gesturing with one hand towards the booth seat opposite Penn. The spirit hesitated, but nodded his head after a few seconds’ thought.

He was going to be with these people until he could be removed, and Arthur could take his body back, whether he liked it or not. It was probably in his best interests to try and be as accommodating as possible.

“Thanks...” Lewis slid into the seat, and folded his arms along the table. “So…” He smiled, and the expression was so warm that Penn couldn’t help but relax, even just a little bit. A tiny part of him felt unnerved, by that. “Mama tells me you actually like Cayenne’s ‘spicy milkshake surprise’?”

“It is...very tasty.” As if to make a point, Penn took another sip of the milkshake. “I like the flavor, and the way it makes my-...um...A-Arthur’s...tongue tingle.” Lewis’ made a curious sound, and leaned back in his seat, seemingly missing (or maybe ignoring?) Penn’s slip of the tongue.

“Arthur usually can’t handle a lot of spice.” The other spirit revealed. “Mama and Papa made a special spice-free version of some of our dishes and deserts, just so he could try some of them.” The ghost scratched thoughtfully at his cheek. “I wonder why you experience it differently? Maybe it’s a ‘mind over matter’ thing, and you have a different tolerance because you have nothing else to compare it to?”

“.....yes.” Penn said before taking a long sip of the shake. He had no idea what Lewis was talking about, in all honesty. But he liked this strange atmosphere that was starting to form - one where he didn’t feel watched or threatened. It felt like coming home had...before he’d learned that he wasn’t who he thought he was.

“....” Lewis’s smile widened, and he leaned forward to rest his elbows on the table. Penn swallowed nervously, and leaned back just a little bit. “Do you like tacos?” Lewis asked, steepling his hands in front of his grin. “Because there’s this recipe for a chipotle dessert taco I’ve been working on, and I really, really need someone to taste test it…”

…….

Of the many difficult things Arthur had to do in his lifetime, he considered this awkward heart-to-heart with his uncle to be the hardest of them all.

Lance had already seen him - and even helped him through - some of his lowest points in life. He had been there when his parents had walked away from him, and when he couldn’t sleep through the phantom pains of a freshly lost limb. He’d listened patiently when Arthur had rambled about demons and green skin in the haze of hospital-grade painkillers, and Arthur had nothing but gratitude for all his uncle had done for him.

He just...hadn’t wanted Lance to know how far he still was from ‘okay’.

But out there, on the back patio of Pepper Paradiso, with nothing but the distant song of cicadas to fill the silence, Arthur told him.

About the voice in his head that had once blended with his intrusive thoughts, only to grow more and more distinct and vicious over months and months, and the nightmares he’d kept to himself. About his fears of being ignored, or his concerns being laughed off. About his fears of being taken all too seriously, and abandoned by the people he loved all over again...

Lance listened to all of this with his usual stoic poker face, and when Arthur had finally fallen silent, he reached out, and wrapped one arm around his nephew’s shoulders. The firm, one-armed side hug was a small gesture, but Arthur sank into it gratefully. He’d been half-expecting a stern lecture on ‘taking stupid risks and the consequences of such’, like Vivi had given him on the flight back to their hotel, but in retrospect, that wasn’t Lance’s style.

“I’m sorry.” He’d said them so much over the last few days, the words were starting to lose their meaning. “I swear, this wasn’t the outcome I wanted. I just wanted to...to...” Arthur cringed and ground the heel of his ghostfire palm against his forehead as he searched for the right words.

“To clear the air.” Lance supplied. Arthur released the breath he’d been holding, and sagged, letting his arm drop down to his lap.

“Yeah…” He murmured. “Exactly.” Lance patted his shoulder a few times, and Arthur continued to lean against his uncle for the duration, quietly marveling at how much lighter he felt. Maybe he should have gotten all this off of his chest a long time ago…in hindsight, it wasn’t having the disastrous ripple effects he’d feared, and really, it would have avoided an awful lot of trouble to have just gotten it over with…

Lance patted his nephew’s shoulder one last time, and then lowered his arm. Arthur took the cue to sit up, and scrubbed his hands across his face, though any tears had long since dried. He took a deep - and somewhat shaky, still - breath, and let it out slowly. The sound of the cicadas seemed a little bit clearer.

“Arthur,” Lance started. “I want you to know that you can trust me. I know I’m not the easiest guy to come to with big emotions like all that,” The man quickly held up a hand before Arthur could speak. “But you’re my family and I care about you. Even if I don’t understand all of what you do or what’s going on in our life.” He still wasn’t big on all these supernatural shenanigans...but they were a part of his nephew’s life, and that, by extension, made them a part of his.

Nothing he could do but learn to deal with it.

“If you need to get something off your mind - no matter what it is - I’m always gonna be here to listen, and I’m not here to judge you.” Lance continued. Arthur wondered how he could feel a lump in his throat with no nervous system. Wouldn’t Vivi love to hear about that? “What’s done is done, and yelling won’t take anything back, so I’m just gonna suggest that, from now on, we talk about things like this, ‘stead of keeping them all bottled up.” The elder Kingsmen shifted awkwardly, and crossed his arms.

“I’ll be up front with you, kiddo. I’m gonna be just as terrible at it as you.” He admitted grudgingly. “I don’t exactly wear my heart out on my sleeve, so to speak. But I also won’t ever ask you to do anything that I wouldn’t do, myself, so I’ll promise you this: If you’ll trust me enough to vent to me when you feel overwhelmed or upset or anything else, I’ll trust you enough to do some opening up, myself.”

“.....” Arthur made a choked up sound, and scrubbed his hand across his face again. “Sure thing, uncle.” He promised. If his voice cracked a bit, Lance would never tell.

They sat outside for a few minutes more, listening to the cicadas, and the sounds of the traffic around the building slowly increasing as the day wore on, before standing up, and heading back inside the restaurant.

#mun's writing #Dark Arts and Demons #daad #mystery skulls animated #Lewis #Arthur #Lance #The Peppers #Vivi #Mystery

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theodorasutton · 5 years

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Digital Anthropology and Formula 1

This blogpost starts with my entry to the DHL competition, which offers my own way into Formula 1, through the drama and personalities of the sport. After my entry, I’ve written my ideas for researching Formula 1 from the perspective of digital anthropology.

My Formula 1 Moment

A few months ago I entered a Formula 1 competition to describe my best F1 moment. I wrote a really heartfelt description and went to submit it, only to find out it was about 5 times too long. I cut it down, submitted, but knew it wasn’t any good. I decided to share the original version and describe my way into the sport which I absolutely never expected myself to like - here it is:

March, 2018. My boyfriend had been watching the Formula 1. The qualifying had ended, and now there was a press conference.

I had never been interested in sport, certainly not one that was so clinical and confusing as Formula 1. For me, all the drivers blurred into one, some seemed to wear red, others wore white, and all of them seemed strangely keen to wear logo embellished headgear. Here they were, three of them, herded behind some microphones, giving stilted answers to press questions. Distracted and on my phone, I was impatient for the end of the program so that we could watch something interesting. "I can assure you we don't have a party mode,” one of them was saying. "I used the same mode from Q2 to the end of Q3. There was no extra mode, no extra button I engaged in." "What were you doing before, then?” The guy in red asked him, taking a sip from his drink and smiling mischievously. "I was waiting to put a good lap in…” The guy in white said, “to wipe the smile off your face,” he added under his breath, with an extra dash of sass. Was he angry, or was he joking? It was hard to tell. The two of them seemed to be rigid with tension, but keen to put on a good show for the cameras. The guy in white patted the guy in red’s arm, insisting that he was only joking. The awkwardness was palpable, and the exchange had my full attention. The other guy in red, sitting on the right, however, seemed to be daydreaming. Who was this guy in white, who my boyfriend told me was winning everything? What planet had he landed from, that gave him the ability to win races with robotic precision? The guy in red with the mischievous smile seemed to be the underdog, and was endearing. The daydreaming one was pure comedy. “Do they have brawls in the bars after a race?” I asked. “I don’t know,” my boyfriend said. “I’m not sure they can drink. They have to maintain almost no body fat.” I frowned. “I hope the guy in red punches the guy in white,” I said. I envisioned him chucking TVs out of swanky hotel windows. I live for the drama. This was the moment that got me into Formula 1. For the first time I saw inside the machines that zoomed predictably around faraway racetracks. I started to realise that Formula 1 wasn’t just lap times, numbers on a screen, and a choice between hard or soft tyres; it was fundamentally about the people. There were egos, eye watering pay checks, glamorous locations, and a whole lot of pressure. There were feuds, confrontations, and tears. It wasn’t until much later that I realised the physical toll of driving a Formula 1 car, and the gym regime that accustomed drivers’ bodies to immense forces while going round the track. I had thought drivers were just pressing buttons inside a machine, but these were athletes putting their lives on the line. Lewis wasn’t always so sassy. He usually spoke with the measured words of a religious guru, emphasising gratitude and hard work. Meditating, praying, exercising, and listening to the right song before a race were apparently what helped him achieve his super-human results. We jubilantly listened to a Christina Aguilera where he was rumoured to perform a hilarious and cringeworthy rap. “Imagine all the other drivers teasing him with it,” I said. It took me a while to realise that Sebastian was a four-time world champion. His voice was low and disinterested while he gave clamouring journalists a run through of his race. In Bahrain, in 2019, Lewis seemed to make him spin on the track through pure intimidation. After races, we watched eagerly for the private moment when the top three drivers would meet in the break room, wipe the sweat off their faces, shake hands, and grimace after two hours of ruthless competition. Was the loser completely crushed? What would they say to one another now that they were face to face? But it was Kimi who became the most entertaining of the three from the press conference that day. Often giving nonsensical answers to journalists (that started with the sound “bwoah”) or pretending to not hear them, he, too, was mischievous and clearly hated any kind of ceremony that stopped him either driving very fast, or going home. His elusiveness made me increasingly curious, and I searched for entertaining stories, finding ones about him napping on piles of tyres, drunkenly diving off a stage with no crowd to catch him, or screaming “gloves and steering wheel!” to a bewildered pit crew. Since that moment in March 2018 I’ve learned more about what really makes Formula 1 tick. I’ll be honest, I still switch off when people start talking about technical specs. But I love to watch the drivers, team principles, and pundits, when they find a way to say everything with just a look in their eyes, or a quiet dig at a competitor. I love it when there’s gossip and wild predictions, and memes to be made. I never thought I would love a sport like I love Formula 1 now, but it was the people - and Lewis’ sass - that got me where I am now.

Digital Anthropology and Formula 1

Through getting my head around F1, I’ve unsurprisingly thought about it in terms of my own research into digital anthropology - or how technology is part of our social world today. I truly know nothing about sport, so I may be wrong, but it seems that F1 is the most technologically mediated sport there is. Rather than athletes who test their physical capabilities, the drivers’ abilities are mediated through a machine, which could be working well, or could be crawling round the track. That machine has been built from the ground up, bolt by bolt, by engineers constantly trying to improve on the vision of the four-wheeled vehicle. They don’t simply drive the same car at each race, it’s continuously evolving and being tinkered with by the team and its engineers in-between weekends.

F1 car aerodynamics Rather than watching the race directly, the teams themselves watch a row of television screens. For starters, the circuit is too big to see in one go, and the noises are too loud to expose your ears to. To experience F1, even for those participating, necessitates cameras and microphones and screens. But the teams are not only watching footage of the race, but endless numbers dancing in front of their eyes, listing speed for each sector, tyre wear, temperatures, and predictions. What secret software do they rely upon to give them an advantage over others - what algorithms are at work, invisibly measuring and shaping the race? Do they have the problem of too much data - data saturation or InfoObesity - where they can learn no more, or they struggle to store, protect, or analyse the information flying at them?

Renault’s Pit Wall, Singapore GP

Pit wall display screen, from Reddit

While the celebrity drivers of F1 plummet themselves around a track several centimetres away from the tarmac - sometimes losing up to 3 litres of water and 4kg in one race - F1 is equally a mathematical sport. This interplay of bodies and technology, personality and data, is fascinating. If I were to design a research project on F1, it would ask how these aspects of the sport are reconciled. What relationship do the teams have with their technology? Are strategies based more on digital information - “The computer says we should do this, so we’ll do it"? Or do they put their faith in people like Hamilton, knowing that his judgment in split seconds would prevail?

Masculinity and aggression would be important themes. Comparing Formula 1 to my limited knowledge of football or rugby, where frustration can be taken out with shouting, running, tumbling, or even brief fights, I wonder if F1 is more of a restrained, poised sport, played behind a veil of respectability, where resentment comes out not physically, but in catty, underhand plays, spies, cutting people out, or perhaps insistently pronouncing your name wrong. My suggestion that Hamilton might throw some TVs out of a window was an attempt to understand where that necessary frustration ends up. A clip of Ricciardo screaming with his helmet still on, Verstappen shoving Ocon, or Schumacher marching furiously up the pit lane towards Coulthard, pulls back the curtain. Behind the scenes, what dastardly behaviour lurks? I also wonder how the teams would take failure differently if they were all women. After both Red Bull cars were taken out of the same race, I remember saying to my boyfriend that “I wouldn’t want to be in a room full of those angry Red Bull workers.” When Haas repeatedly have outbursts on their radios, they seem to be transgressing an invisible rule of Formula 1, that anger is a private matter. What other invisible rules are there that shape team behaviour, and create friction between them?

Haas team principle Gunther Steiner’s outburst at Sochi, for which he was fined $7500

At the same time, while teams seem keen to control their presentation, moments of intense emotion, and authentic reactions of the drivers and pit crew, give fans something to go on. How does Formula 1 balance its primary purpose - the need to be entertaining, with the teams' clear desire to maintain professionalism and secrecy? In 2017, F1 released YouTube videos of the post race driver briefings, which featured drivers sat in rows like bored schoolboys. The videos are extremely entertaining, mostly due to the comedic camerawork and Grosjean attempting to get other drivers into trouble - but the uploads have since stopped, possibly because it was too much of an invasion into the meetings. Netflix’s 2019 series “Formula 1: Drive to Survive” gave us a behind the scenes look, and helped us meet the personalities in F1 and empathise with their stories and struggles. In the recent On The Marbles podcast, Lee McKenzie explains that one reason why AutoSport is going out of print is the on-brand messages from the teams are too bland and repetitive for the price of the magazine. My own entry to the DHL competition displays my feeling that the sport needs drama to continue. This tension plays out everywhere. As the stewards continue to penalise small errors in driving, they curtail more of the scrappy, fight-y racing that the drivers seem to enjoy as much as the spectators, resulting in races that are “boring” and “processional.” Rather than relying on printed interviews, fans may be turning to social media to connect more closely with the characters in the sport. Through Instagram, Reddit, and YouTube, fans create memes based on the funniest moments on and off track, some of which endure for months.

Left: A fan’s take on Haas’ “I think Ericsson hit us”. Right: The radio message to Kimi Raikkonen when his drink was not connected The McLaren driver Lando Norris, only 19 years old, posts stories on his Instagram most days, and welcomes the playful Internet world of memes and ridiculousness in a way that breaks with the usual “robotic monotony” of drivers. It turns out that in his spare time, when he’s not racing in real life, he enjoys racing Verstappen on a video game. In this way, through following them on Instagram, fans can see relationships between the drivers - in a recent example, Ricciardo and Leclerc teased each other on their own respective Instagram accounts during a shared flight. Technology is playing a role, then, not only in the broadcasting of sport, but in the way that fans can relate to F1 and its personalities, by viewing mundane and everyday moments that span much further than the race weekend.

Left: Ricciardo’s selfie with sleeping teammate Verstappen Middle: Norris’ Instagram, teasing his teammate Sainz Right: Leclerc jokes about a misspelling of his name

Research Outline

Taking an academic view of Formula 1 Absolutely Totally Seriously, I would propose viewing it through the idea of Rationality. Rationality has come up in my work on digital detoxing, where in a “Disenchanted” modern world, we perceive that technological progress explains the world down to neat facts and figures. We can bend the world to our own ends, since everything becomes calculable. To act rationally would be to do things for the intended goal, without the need for guesswork or fate.

Interpreting Formula 1 in these terms, the sport splits into its Rational and Irrational aspects. On the one hand, teams design machines using cutting edge technology, and sensors and numbers tell them how to optimise the car to be more likely to win. On the other hand, the teams are made of people, who are emotional, or rather irrational - who might in fact be the key ingredient for winning (like the magical je ne sais quoi of Lewis Hamilton or Ayrton Senna), or who might require motivating, might cause problems, or make mistakes.

I would hypothesise that the teams themselves prefer a rational view of F1. They want everything to be predictable, structured, cool, calm and collected. However, in order to survive, in order to entertain, the sport requires Irrationality - drama, friction, emotion, personality. Also under this heading would be fate, luck, the driver’s own headspace and personal life. A research project of Formula 1 would look at how the teams manage tension between these two aspects - and I would aim to answer questions through an ethnography of team culture.

My research questions would be something like this.

How do the teams incorporate digital technology into their work, and do Formula 1 teams rely more on technology, or on human skill?

What norms are there around emotion in Formula 1, and how is emotion managed by the teams?

How do Formula 1 teams balance the need to be entertaining with the need to win, and how is social media changing their relationship to this?

I better get back to my thesis.

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inadellestrange · 6 years

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Mystical Experience of 5/30/18

I feel split, estranged, always remembering the things that I have meant to as my moments of purpose are slipping away. Like the sun just before it sets, remembering to express her beauty just as she dies to the night. Her hues shine into my eyes through the cross of the four glass panes of my single bedroom window as I look out, like the sherbert that I devoured with my grandfather in his kitchen as a child. These moments that seize me, that lead me to remember an existence beyond my mind, are my form of church. Saturated skies juxtaposed by black oak tree limbs that on one strange night once looked like a Hindu God, perched next to a mermaid and spoke to me. The treasure trove of moments that I miss about home while I am away, are mind spaces that I all too often forget to enter while I am here. This home is not filled with childhood memories, but those of young adulthood - the soul discovering, the tarot cards and the mystical night whispers.

______________________________________________________________________

I am not going to edit the above beyond the moment i was in upon writing it. I could add and take away, but i’m going to copy and paste my message of the happenings that transpired surrounding the writing of the above entry.

______________________________________________________________________

I was feeling really weird earlier... like my mind was starting to spiral somewhere weird and I gave up on any sense of focus and put a tv show on.

Then 15 minutes later I see the sun setting out my window... I shut my lap top and just enjoy. Noticing this internal shift I could see how dis-regulated I was within the present experience of these colors of the sky outside my window.

A series of other self reflective thoughts bridged me into writing it down... a little creative blip...

In my blip I was reflecting on how I used to smoke a lot up here and things always became so mystical, I could feel close to myself in an intimate way, recognizing how I put my self so far away into this place of a sort of disciplinary God.

I remembered the peace I felt in your presence in the pool house the night before I left after New Years adventures with you... and how it spoke to “the atman”... and how it is when I connect with that peace that I will merge intimately with myself, not by hierarchical stair ways and latters made of meaning making systems and self imposed rules that I’m always surely to break..

I remember I stowed my bubbler away while my little cousin was here...

I decide to smoke... and upon grabbing a lighter I remember I have 10 baby pastel ones piled atop my sage in my room... after I hit the weed, I lit my sage... without thinking words entered my mind in attuned carnations... that spoke to my soul.

As I cleanse the space... I see all of these signs revealing themselves to me in their own ways... one from my astrology, my family, etc.. and it led me to climb into my nook and shift things around... and light a candle...

And now here I am telling you how incredibly moving this experience has been...

And all it took was stillness. Remembering how quickly I forget... the rituals it takes to inspire my own unique magic as it touches out into all that surrounds me, connected and one.

The mind is powerful.

Weed is powerful.

Nature is powerful.

And I can’t help but recognize that in the moments I have not experienced such feelings/ spiritual unity by myself in my own private space... are most similar only to the private spaces and spiritual unity I share with you.

_____________________________________________________________________

Just after copy and pasting that, something else happened... which spawned me to share more with my friend in the following message below instead. ______________________________________________________________________

Something else just happened.

One of the signs that spoke to me... was this amethyst my dad had given me... it reminded me of what amethyst does for me and how I so often utilized it in my room during the times I had been recalling during my sunset revelation.

As I was doing something after... I recognized the drawing I had just placed upon my bed from my four-year-old cousin who was just visiting gave me. The drawing was of a girl with a purple crystal around her neck (and a wizard at her side).

At that moment I noticed the image and its contents... the amethyst was on my heart.

And now... the other happening...

... the words of a phrase from an impactful dream I had not too long ago... chimed through my mind that write:

“A sunflower at sunrise to remember... a purple crystal at sunset to never forget”

My whole line of thinking leading to right now was all spawned from my alignment with the sunset... and how I always remember the things I mean to as that moment has almost gone...

And “it’s as if the sunset remembers to express herself just upon her death in the night.”

...and then that link with the purple crystal on my heart moment with the drawing...

Wow.

This is all so powerful for me. Feel like I’m tripping.

_____________________________________________________________________

Astrologically, it is when the current day’s Sun dips toward the placement of my moon in the 6th house, corresponding with twilight, that I begin to truly experience my feelings and where I am at.

Beyond this, I’m recognizing that the third night of this full moon is in Sagittarius conjoining my Midheaven, and sitting on my Part of Fortune by exactitude.

Earlier when I was at the window, a symbol i love, I recalled how my Solar Return Chart has my Moon placed in my 10th House, but in Cancer, and how it corresponded with my newly purchased but not yet hung tapestry (until tonight’s experience) of the Moon.

There are more details beyond this, but the awareness I am gathering from these placements has to do with:

When I conjoin with my stillness and a state of peace, it is like the experience of fully feeding and grounding with my daily eclipsed moon at twilight, like the sun’s final expressions. When I conjoin with this sense of belonging, I am capable of serving myself and my work. My goal of highest possible achievement of the year is based on the Moon at the Midheaven. I have always interpreted that goal is finding my sense of belonging in the world, and allowing my emotional nature to be revealed and shown to the possibility of many.

Some of the incantations that were being uttered as I was saging my room (from what I can best recall), were:

“You can always merge with your path of meaning and becoming, it is always there for you... You can always change the things in which you should... and you shall never change the things in which you should not...”

Though, confusing even myself as these words arrived in my mind, their inherent paradox, I couldn’t help but feel soothed.

They seem to say, “For what you can change for the better, do, but you’ll never know change until you’re in a head space where you attempt to change nothing at all.” The words feel like a Lewis Carrol logical labrynth, in which he uses logical language to almost mock the lack of reason, or how playfully tricky the ways of life can be. Like the answers of such riddles or their meanings are always just tucked in and beyond the words that are attempting to point to it, hiding in plain sight, just like the nature of it. “It” being the tao; the way; the still space of self and its connection to all when there is nothing else but now; the atman.

I read a quote by Anais Nin today, inspired by @precipicemagazine’s IG post, that writes:

“I have no brakes on...analysis is for those who are paralyzed by life.” ― Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934

This quote speaks to how simply living will reveal more than analysis’ ability to impair oneself. As she is a writer, and as i’m writing here now, there is surely analyzing being done to arrive at this point of forming words and sentences in a state of reflection, but that just as much as it is a tool for living, it can trap oneself into not living just as easily. The paradoxes continue...

I think I will leave it at that.

And I hope that my stillness may bring me here to write soon, again.

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savagegardenforever · 5 years

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Darren's Diaries

These are Darren's Diaries from the first tour (Future of Earthly Delites/To the Moon And Back) from 1998.

There are six entries - 4th July, 7th July, 12th July, 20th July, 15th August and 8th September.

4th July

Well here I am sitting on a tour bus. It's a twelve sleeper and there are 8 of us...Daniel and I...our band...and our tour manager. We have completed over 50 shows since the start of this tour in Australia in January. Finally we are in America. For the next two months we will be playing 40 shows in the States and Canada. It is going to be an incredible experience. Exciting and Exhausting I'm sure.

So far we started production rehearsals in Rockford Illinois. Our first show was in Chicago for the B96 radio show with Boyz to Men and Mariah Carey. Minneapolis was next. We then travelled into Canada for two incredible shows in Saskatoon then Edmonton. As I type this we are headed for Calgury. The Canadian audiences have been really cool. Very into the music and very LOUD!!

Our band are playing really well together. I am very proud to be on the stage with them every night. We have Anna Maria Laspina and Nicole McIntyre on backing vocals. Karl Lewis on Drums. Ben Carey on Guitars and Lee Novak on Bass. I have included some pictures of us during hot and sweaty production rehearsals. You'll also find the new stage clothes provided by Diesel and on my fave pics ever...Me with fans after the Minneapolis gig.

Sharing a tour bus together is kinda strange. It's like...HUGE...with two loungerooms with tables and videos and soundsystems etc...then there is a little kitchen where we all make cups of tea and sandwhiches after gigs. It's almost like the Brady Bunch on Tour. Our beds have little T.V's in them and little curtains to block out the rabble. It's actually a lot more comfortable than I thought it would be. Let me get back to you on that in a few weeks though!

7th July

So now I'm on my way from Seattle to Portland. Still on the bus...I swear it's like the Partridge Family. I took a little family shot to demonstrate how pathetic and domesticated we have all become. Andy our bus driver is very cool...he makes me vegetarian meals sometimes... and puts up with our table manners.

The Vancouver show was probably one of the tightest shows we have played ever...good crowd...and we were really on it. It's so funny...I just read a report from Edmontone where the reviewer thought that maybe I lip synch my vocals because...in his words..."Hayes hits some unnaturally high notes.."!!! I think that is so ironic. I mean...I have good nights...and bad nights. Sometimes I sing up a storm...and other nights it's not quite what I want it to be. To have someone think it's all on tape is kind of an indirect compliment. I guess it means I sang well!! I'll tell you...last night in Seattle...I was WISHING my vocals were on tape...I was so tired. But the crowd seemed to get into it and by half way through I was in my own little world.

Playing live is definately something we are proud of. I personally have a big problem with 'artists' who mime...or lip synch...or whatever you wanna call it. I believe that seeing a band live is warts and all. If I hit a bum note...then so be it...that is what you pay for. If I hit a brilliant note...then that's fantastic. That's what makes some nights INCREDIBLE...and others not so. You never know. Also I figure if you want to listen to the cd...stay home. Coming out to see a band live is all about living in the moment.

So after the Portland show we get a much needed day off...before we start the San Fransisco, L.A , Vegas leg. Viva Las Vegas Baby.

Outta here...

12th July

Before anything happens I gotta tell you that playing in Red Rocks...Colorado was the most incredible experience for me. The setting was like something from heaven..the weather was incredible. It actually rained the entire show but the 7000 plus crowd stayed to the end... It was so magical. The thunder and lightning in that historical venue...and the crowd. It made me very emotional.

I kept thinking of U2's "Under a blood red sky" live album...recorded there. It was just the same as it looked all those years ago when I sat in my lounge room watching the video...looking at my heros. To play there...was a VERY big deal for me.

I'm in San Antonio Texas writing this...in my hotel room. Just came back from a fantastic show here. What a cool crowd. I really dig this town. It looks NOTHING like the rest of Texas... Last night we went out and had fantastic Mexican food and drank Starbucks while walking along the riverbank in the middle of the city...with all cafe's and restaurants along the river edge. It was incredible...the night was windy and the temperature was not as hot as it apparently has been. I thought in this email I would include some more personal photos of the band and our crew...There is this beautiful man from Texas called Chuck...who has been married for 25 years. Chuck is a sound/monitor engineer on our tour. His daughter Victoria has these adorable little twins Joseph and Jacob...so I managed to get a cuddle of the babies before our show in San Antonio tonite. Boy did I get clucky. It was Nicole's birthday today...it's Daniel's on Wednesday...so we have kind of been celebrating for a few days now. Nicole and Anna (our backing singers) are dear friends of mine...and we have a blast.

We get along really well with Sneaky Pete...the production assistant. He is evil...in the funniest way. His assistant Laurie is THE BIGGEST SWEETHEART. I included a picture of me hugging her because she is my lifeline.

She is in charge of all sorts of things...but for me..her main job is making sure the dressing rooms are set up...wardrobe and costumes are set out and laundered...candles are lit...music is playing...holdiays are booked and roses sent to family members. Basically she is my mom on the road...and she is incredible. Her attention to detail makes coming into the dressing room such a pleasure..everything from my after shave to the kind of tea I drink...she is aware of..and makes sure it is all in order.

I also included a picture of Daniel playing with his new Keyboard backstage with Lindsay...one of our other fave people. Linds is a guitar tech on this tour...but really he is an awesome drummer...who last worked with Pearl Jam doing drum tech for them. Just the sweetest person.

Who else can I tell you about?? Motley our lighting designer is a little yoda...he is so spiritual and deep..and a dear friend. Collin Ellis mixes our sound...and is a very nice bloke!!

Crash...our sound engineer on stage..(does in ear monitors...) told me tonite that the reason I get soo tired is that I need to 'take more exercise.' Hahaha... I work out 5 or 6 days a week...two hours a day...as well as doing the show!! The entire band just cracked up laughing at him. Oh well...he was only trying to help. He is very funny...and oh..also good at his job.

I am getting excited because we are about to have three days off!! Whoo hoo!! I mean...I love the tour...but I have been working on this album for 2 and a half years...and touring it since January. We are all very tired...and looking forward to the rest. When we start up again we will be HALF WAY... That is pretty cool.

Last night I couldn't sleep because I was dreaming up the name...the front cover and the artwork for our new album. All we need now is the music!! Haha...

I am rambling...but it's late...and life is really good. God bless.

Darren

20th July

Hey...welcome back to the tour. We have missed you. Let me take you now to a very sacred place. This is my bed in the tour bus. I call it my 'monkey bunk'...don't ask me why...it's kinda private...! But that's what I call it... Actually I have become quite fond of it. To the point that I am finding it hard to sleep in regular beds now. I am used to the constant rocking of the highway. There is a little T.V in there...but I rarely watch it. By the time my head hits the pillow...I am out! It is actually very soothing...and I am someone who finds sleeping very difficult.

We have had a ball on tour with our new support...Billy Myers.

Billy Myers is just FANTASTIC. She is very talented...as are her band. Billy is also VERY VERY funny. Here is a picture of her and I in my dressing room about two seconds before our show in Miami. This was the day of our manager...Rebecca's birthday. We got her all sorts of nice presents and this huge cake. Here is a picture of my face in the cake.

Long Story! I am commonly known as 'tabu' in the band because I kind of...well...I just take things to the extreme in terms of practical jokes and goofing about. Usually with birthday cakes I end of throwing them all over people...and sticking them to walls etc. You know...normal things like that. So this time the band got me first...Laurie..our production GODDESS pushed my face into it when I was PRETENDING to take a big bite. GRRRR!! Florida was hot and steamy...and reminded me very much of Australia. Played some great shows...although something really stupid happened in Fort Lauderdale. For some bizarre reason..security allowed five audience members to run onto the stage during Truly Madly Deeply. But I don't mean just running up to say hello. They kind of scared the hell out of all of us...and ruined a beautiful moment in the song. We virtually didn't end the show...because they just wouldn't leave the stage. So we all learned a valuable lesson in security. I had my eyes closed as I sang the last notes of the last song of the night...and felt the stair case rumble...and when I looked up there were three people on the stage with me. It just made no sense to me...I tried to talk to the girl...even say hi...but she was screaming...while her boyfriend spent his time telling aggressively informing anyone who would listen that he had every right to be there on stage because he won an after show pass.!!! THIS WAS DURING THE SHOW!!! I look back now and kinda laugh it off but in the moment...I really felt that the incident ruined to mood for the rest of the audience. I didn't really get to say goodbye to the crowd...we just had to leave.

I spent my few days off in New York while the rest of the band travelled to Myrtle Beach and apparently had a blast. I keep missing the really good unexpected fun times. Apparently the break in New Orleans was wild as well. There will be news about this in the next fanzine I believe.

Delaware...Harrington was such a bizarre experience. We played at the State Fair. This was a 4 hour drive from New York...in the middle of nowhere... A great show with a really enthusiastic audience. Afterwards we went to the local TGI Friday's restaurant and everyone who had a cell phone was informed that the band were there...so we spent our evening binge eating while locals watched in horror. Our visit to the local bowling alley was hilarious. I of course...the king of cool (really just a cover for my lack of physical ability in sports) refused to play. For 'fashion reasons' I said. But I don't think anyone believed me. I took a photo of their shoes.

Daniel refused to let me photograph his involvement in this activity...but let's just say...at bowling...HE RULES. He beat the pants off everyone.

Here is my reaction to bowling... my thrilled to be bowling face.

And this is really what we have been reduced to. Bowling. Oh yeah...we also play pictionary a lot. All jokes aside...we have had such a wonderful time so far...it's already August ...and the tour has only 4 weeks to go. I think we are all going to be very sad when it ends. We have just spent so much time together...we really do feel like family.

We have met so many wonderful fans...been treated like royalty and we want to thank you so much for coming out to see us play live. More soon I guess!

15th August

I am once again sitting at the desk in the kitchen of our tour bus. We are travelling from Missouri to Illinois. Can you believe that we have performed 30 shows already on the North American leg of this tour? We have only 9 more shows left and then the tour is officially over. We started in Australia in January...then on to New Zealand...Asia... Including Japan and India...Europe...and finally America. I think when it winds up we will have played almost 80 shows. That's a pretty good feeling you know...I had no idea I would have the stamina to get through...and yet here we are looking at the end of the tour...and really the end of this album.

Here are a couple of shots from our show tonight in Missouri. It's such a long way from where it all started.

It's funny you know... with this site I have tried really hard to document all sorts of experiences...and not just the musical ones. Yesterday in Indianapolis I decided that real life was just a little too normal...so I invented a drama so that I could write about it...and photograph it...and present it to you...(How sad is that!!)

To cut a long story short... Nicky and I decided to 'steal' a golf cart from the Indianapolis state fair officials. Well...we didn't really 'steal' it..we kinda just borrowed it and deceived a few people into thinking that our backstage passes were really licenses to drive a golf buggy. Here is a picture of our initial Evil plan...

It was so funny. Our crew and the security at the venue didn't know what was happening. I actually took the buggy INTO the arena...where all the fans were taking their seats for Billie Myers (BY THE WAY..BIG APOLOGY FOR SPELLING HER NAME WRONG LAST UPDATE...!!!) So anyway...Nikky and I were spinning and flying around the arena...some of the audience recognized me and started chasing the golf buggy. Although fun...golf carts are NOT good escape vehicles. I managed to get away by fooling the security guard that 'everything was in order'.

The cart was returned with lots of apologies and no feelings hurt.

Lots has happened since I last wrote. I never really told you about the band's new obsession with Golf did I?? It kind of stems from Dan...but everyone...excluding me...has been getting into it. Anna and I generally work out...like A LOT...which can be exhausting when on tour because you sweat so much on stage as well...but it has been an adventure just trying to find gyms in every town we go to... But we have been pretty successful so far.

Today I went crazy recording items in our dressing room. Don't ask me why...but here are snapshots of shoes...and sunglasses. Lets face it...in Savage Garden...these are very important elements of our success...(joke!!)

It's weird...I just figured I would have LOVED to have seen stupid photos of Michael Jackson's wardrobe when I was like...a kid...so I figured...for those of you out there who enjoy the small details... this is for you.

We really have had such fun with Billie Myers. Her band are very talented...and friendly. Billie herself is incredible. Such an artist. I watched her performing 'Tell Me' and 'Kiss the Rain' yesterday in Indianapolis and I was very moved. She ran all over the stage...climbed EVERYTHING...and ended up at the back of the auditorium with the audience...still singing. I will be very sad to say goodbye because I have learned a lot just being around her. Beautiful soul. True performer.

Here is another pic of Billie and I just before the Missouri show.

Our shows have been wonderful lately. The crowds have just been getting better and better. Some of the small towns have been incredible experiences. We played a HUGE show in Bethlehem P.A. It was part of their MusikFest festival...and it was one of the largest shows they have had there. Truly magical.

Soon we head to New York...(DUH...my fave city) for a few days as we are involved in a private SECRET event that will be revealed to you in due time. But I am very much looking forward to being there...

I will keep you updated.

Darren

8th September

It's over. 8 months and 85 shows later here we are on a plane back to real life. I am so exhausted as I type this...and really unsure as to how it all feels. I am going to go back for you...a few weeks to catch up on everything that lead up to this final moment of reflection. I remember telling you in my last update that we were in New York for a "secret" gig...well I can tell you now it was for the Elite Modelling agency Look competition...and we performed at this club in Manhattan called Life. It is one of those velvet rope deals...and to be honest...I had never been in until that night.

We performed a very short set in front of a room full of beautiful women..and famous people. Jerry Seinfeld was there... Apparently he offered to meet us when we had sold 12 million albums as opposed to the 8 million that we actually have. Haha. Thanks for the homework Mr. Seinfeld. Afterwards he hung out in the same foofy area with us...smoking cigars, flanked by burly security guards. Anna said hi. I was too busy working out how to sell 4 more million albums.

Our set was GREAT...some people say one of the best we have played because of it's simplicity and audacity. We just PLAYED...didn't really give a damn...and it paid off. We headed off ... back to the rest of the tour...but soon ended up back in planet Manhattan (that's what Motley our lighting designer calls it...as it is like no other place on earth) after our Boston gig (very pretty btw...nice venue) to play the Beacon Theatre. What an experience THAT was.

Madonna attended. Rod Stewart was there with wife and kids. We were sold out. Need I say there was a little tension in the air. But it turned out to be such a powerful show...such an energy to it. Probably because of the whole Madonna vibe. Thing is...Billie Myers had heard me singing "Ray of Light" at soundcheck...and told Madonna and friends that we do it well. The day of our show we get a phone call from executives asking where in our show it is performed as Madonna is possibly coming along to have a look. Of course we freaked out...of course we immediately added it to our show even though we have never performed it as a band!!

So Madonna did attend...and from all accounts...was standing and grooving with the rest of them...and had a smile on her face... What more can you say? Very VERY surreal moment...performing in front of someone who inspired me to be here. Did someone say OH MY GOD???

So the next day was our end of tour party...even though we had two more shows to do...where better to celebrate than NYC? It was in this place called Lot 61 in Chelsea...and we had a blast. It was actually very emotional and I think that is when it really hit me that this was all coming to a close.

The next day we left for Cleveland...had a great show...and then prepared for our last gig in Kentucky. All sorts of mad and weird stuff went on that day. Last shows are traditionally weird anyway...as everyone feels kinda depressed but exhausted and practical jokes are happening everywhere.

Some of the craziness?? Billie Myers appeared on stage during our All Around Me routine on the shoulders of our road crew dressed in her best Scary Spice outfit screaming SPICE UP YOUR LIFE. She then proceeded to spray us with Silly String (that shaving cream gunk...) Very funny!! We almost couldn't do the song.

Members of our band were seen doing all sorts of weird things...like kissing each other...wearing each other's costumes...and hamming it up. We managed to drag every crew member on stage or under a spotlight during the band intro...and someone painted the words WE'LL MISS YOU on the drum riser.

During the encore...we sang ONE OF US...and got a bit choked up as I dedicated it to Chuck...our sound assistant who's Grandchild is going in for an operation soon. I asked the crowd to say a prayer for him and that's when it really hit me that the tour was over. Not just the tour either...but this album...this stage of our lives. Like graduating from High School this felt like a real ending...and the beginning of a future somewhere out there.

After the show...we all ended up on Billie's bus...disco dancing and acting like complete morons. Had a blast.

I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to each and every one of you...for giving us this incredible experience...for listening to the music...for understanding it...for coming out in droves to see our circus when it came to your town. This is a thank you to you...the fans of the music...and our colleagues...the Savage Garden Band...and Crew...It has been the most humbling experience to have know you...I feel like a better man for having been through this all with you.

This is a farewell of sorts...for a long time. We have to take some much needed rest...get our thoughts together and try and remember what real life is about for a little while. Before you know it...we will be in the studio...working on more magic. Until then...we are going to go away until we have something thoughtful to say.

Thanks for the memories. See you in THE FUTURE.....

Darren

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