#MOVING ON WAS ALWAYS EASY FOR ME! TO DO!

[sysig]

Off to make mischief and terrible decisions for everyone (Patreon)

#Doodles #UT #Handplates #Gaster #Papyrus #Sans #Help they keep appearing #Where have I heard that one before lol #Genuinely! I wasn't expecting to keep drawing them but my pencil kept moving and they kept showing up on my paper! #Especially Gaster but the other two plenty as well #Got to employ a bit of my favourite coloured pencil ♪ I Will find a way to use my blue on nearly anything #Luckily for me they come prepackaged with blue magic so that was easy enough #Wiggly baby Papyrus does Not want to go >:( At least he's not being hurt :( #Some smoking Gaster ♪ I still quite enjoy drawing smoke honestly - fun to get to do so with a character who actually smokes haha #You can see I also added swoopy-swoops to his Lost Soul head - I like it much better for being such a small detail #I think it looks weird in black rather than white but against a white background- #Without them he feels....hmm something. Something old that I don't want #Not like the Classic Lost Soul head tho haha - similar but not quite the same! #I love his design ahh ♪ He's really so pretty but so much of that is in his details! Like the way he wears his clothes or holds his body #I'm always a sucker for that style of turtleneck as well haha ♫ #Perhaps his turtleneck keeps the smoke in chest from escaping longer :0 Yet another reason to wear them! #Shot of the little family before things went Completely terrible - before the plates and all that #I'm rather pleased with his hand pose there actually :) Keep an eye on your kids Gaster you've only got the one eye to do so! #And then some silly ones lol - I am desperately curious if animated skeletons would have a hyoid bone #It's not as though hyoid bones are specific to humans! They're just A Type Of Bone! Surely skeletons would have All their bones right? #But in the human skeleton it's not resting against another bone it's just floating there tethered by muscle and sinew #Would it float? Would it rest inside the lower jaw? Would it attach to the neck vertebrae?? #It'd probably get caught on his turtleneck a lot easier than like - getting it caught on his neck bones for example #They have a kind of fused canine-teeth-like structure as well they're like a weird set of tongue-teeth lol #It's just fun to imagine ♪ Similar to how the rest of the skeletal body like - magnetizes? to itself :)

[humanmorph]

"This is a message to you, who listens. You must trust me, because we are friends. You just don't know it yet. "

(The Road to PARTIZAN 05 : Ech0 & dusk to midnight)

currently halfway through PARTIZAN (making my way towards palisade extremely slowly. see u guys there in a month or two) & this is to date my favourite intro Austin has done. what an great introduction to an extremely cool character

#Partizan #road to partizan #friends at the table #fatt #gur sevraq #ive been wanting to draw something for that intro ever since i first heard it but i didnt. even know who gur sevraq was at that point. #but its been On My Mind #rosa art #im fairly happy with this i had a lot of fun coming up w the composition. it felt like a puzzle bc i knew what i wanted... #the lineless artstyle is something ive been trying out more and it doesnt come easy but it is fun. (so many layers.....) #you can zoom in for details because. ofthe person i am i always have to add little lines everywhere #well i usually write kind of a lot in the tags but ive been drawing for 5 hours nonstop. my brains kind of wiped. #i havent taken my walk yet so. i will now do that #...usually id listen to more partizan but millenium break is. literally not relaxing and i need to chill a bit #might put on the new bluff. #oh one more thing every time i relisten to that intro i do a little ME? gesture i hear that first line. its fun to me #edit: ok i moved the text slightly it was bothering me ! #probably noone else will notice.

[taylorswiftstylequestions]

Taylor saw some of y’all say “she’s never going to be emotionally up to play XYZ” and responded w “hold my beer” like the petty queen she is

#MOVING ON WAS ALWAYS EASY FOR ME TO DO!!!!!!!!

[elliesbelle]

NOW I HEAR YOUR VOICE EVERYTIME THAT I THINK I’M NOT ENOUGH

#but literally like #that’s exactly what happens now #AND I FANTASIZE ABOUT A TIME YOU’RE A LITTLE FUCKING SORRY #LIKE???? is there NO guilt?!?! i have to live with the grief and you get to be fucking happy #‘i deserved to move on’ ‘you think it was easy to move on’ IDGAF you still moved on?????? #YOU ONCE CALLED ME FOREVER NOW YOU STILL CAN’T CALL ME BACK #the FUCK happened to loving me always????????? through thick and thin???? i never stopped fucking loving you despite what i was going thru!! #all i feel now is fucking shame and disgust for myself because didn’t i fucking say?????? didn’t i fucking say you were gonna leave me again #and you swore you never would again!! then wtf happened!!! #you couldn’t handle my trust issues with you and i just know you hated me for not getting over them #i literally can never trust anyone ever again i am never trusting anybody with my fucking heart again EVER i can’t do it anymore #AND I JUST CANT IMAGINE HOW YOU COULD BE SO OKAY NOW THAT IM GONE #literally you’re fucking okay and in fucking LOVE with SOMEONE ELSE i am literally fucking NOTHING to you anymore #you always have and will ALWAYS find love in and with someone else and i never will again #the possibility of being with someone again literally disgusts me i am not doing it ever again #‘you’ll find someone else eventually’ i am NOT like YOU who always finds someone else i literally have NEVER found anyone else since you #i am literally and have never been enough and you don’t care #v #belle speaks

[litrallytyrus]

listening to hits different by taylor swift thinking about trobed just a normal saturday

#i’m ok 😄😄😄😄😄 (is lying) #i could make an hour long video explaining how each lyric relates to them #'i pictured you with other girls in love then threw up in the street’ #‘moving on was always easy for me to do’ ‘IT HITS DIFFERENT CAUSE ITS U!!!’ #‘i heard your key turn in the door down the hallway / was that your key in the door? / is it okay? / is it you?’ #‘or have they come to take me away’ AHHHHHHBBH #their angst makes me Insane like Insane #troy barnes #abed nadir #trobed #community tv

[dont-offend-the-bees]

Shit bro first hormone appointment in two days hold my hand

#am excited and scared #idk how honest i should be really #and idk what the guy's like #and I'm excited from a personal standpoint (holy shit yes hormones finally) #but scared/worried from a yknow. societal standpoint. #doing this in 2023 on terf island probably isn't the best move #and idk it's kinda daunting when i could write a laundry list of cons #and the pros list basically just amounts to 'makes me happy c:' #but like. i guess that's transition in a nutshell right? #we don't do this shit bc it's easy #if i could be content with the easy option (i.e. present as cis) #i would do that #bc i fucking hate expending any effort for anything abjsjdjfjdjjsd #aaaaaaa. two days to go. #might all be moot ig. they might reject me out of hand #and if they don't there's a good chance they'll reject me at the second appointment bc of my health #but yeah excited and scared is how I'd put it #but i simply don't think I'll ever know for certain that this is what i need until i try it #because i can second guess/talk myself out of ANYTHING. no joke. #and I'm soooo fucking. tired of being that bitch who's always waiting for shit to happen. #or waiting for the perfect time or whatever #waiting and thinking and waiting and thinking it's all i dooooooo #i need to get out of my fucking head #and i need to do fucking Something that deters perfect strangers from clocking me as female within seconds of knowing me #despite how fucking bewildering that feels to me as like. a soft masc presenting individual. who really doesn't get where they got that from #anyway its not with the gic but it is on the nhs #it's an appt with a local endocrinologist #so if anyone else has been prescribed hormones that way and has any advice/insight on how this appointment might play out dm me lmao #mr. bees speaks

[an-internet-introvert]

I know "It Hits Different" is about the era of dnp where everything hit different but every time I see it I just get "Hits Different" by Taylor Swift stuck in my head

#oh my love is lie shit my friends say to get me by #it hit's different #it hit's different this time #catastrophic blues #moving on was always easy for me to do #it hits different #it hit's different cause it's you #dan and phil #taylor swift

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one? #the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

[daz4i]

how and why is there discourse about whether or not certain queer identities exist/if people should be allowed(???) to use them. why is "people know their own identity better than you ever could, and they're the only one who get a say on what they are" such a tough concept to grasp

i think if you find yourself offended by the label someone uses (especially if they're a stranger) or think it invalidates your own, it's a good idea to look inside yourself and question why that may be. more often than not, it's a result of insecurity or uncertainty of your own identity (or many other things, but i won't make a whole list here). whatever reason it is, until you resolve it, you shouldn't take it out on people for having an identity you don't understand

many have said it before but it's worth saying over and over. infighting only helps our oppressors. conservatives don't care if you're a cis gay or a xenogender aegosexual aplatonic lesbian, they hate all of us either way. trying to fit in by going for people who are easier targets for them isn't gonna help you, it'll just alienate you from your own community, and you're never gonna please them. the momentary rush you get from hearing you're not like "one of /those/ gay people" is not worth it and is gonna do more harm in the long run, i assure you

also, it is important to me to say this, but having some less than nice kneejerk reaction caused by confusion about an identity you don't understand doesn't mean you're a bad person or anything. as long as you aren't mean to that person, and you take a second to think smth along the lines of "wait a minute, this isn't any of my business" after having said reaction, you're good 👍 a lot of reflexive reactions we have to things are ingrained into us simply by. well. living in a society 🤡 and you're not terrible for having those thoughts. it's your actions that matter, and your second thought (the "wait, why did i just think that?") is more defining of your actual character and morals than your reflex. i know that having thoughts like this, even tho they're unwanted, can very easily make one spiral, so it's important to me that whoever needs to hear this knows this doesn't make you a bad person 🙏 you're good, keep taking actions to be good, accept other people even if you don't understand them, and you're on the right track :)

#i considered adding that last part in the tags but i figured it'll be too long for that 😭 #i noticed i'm posting a lot of rants lately. sorry. but i do wanna make sure no one's actually feeling bad over them #if i complain about something that you do or call it mean and such. that doesn't make you a bad person #you can always work to change and grow 👍 it's not easy but it starts with smaller steps than you'd expect #and now i just switched to a whole other topic from my original point. oops #i do firmly believe that any discourse about someone's identity is dumb as fuck #seeing it in poll blogs always makes me 😐😬 like how is it any business for any of us. why is this up for debate #if a person says they're queer then they are. they don't need to pass some test or go through initiation to be accepted #if they feel comfortable with a certain word that's awesome. why does it matter to *you* which word they use #'they're only using this microlabel to feel special' so? is there anything wrong with that? #'this label contradicts [insert other identity that falls under the same umbrella]' ok. but does that hurt anyone in any way #a lot of identities can even be self contradictory. does it matter tho? does it affect anyone in any way? #'they might realize that label is wrong later' again. what's the harm in that. #i don't blame anyone for these thoughts bc like. this is how cishets view a lot of the even more common labels #so you're basically taught to think this way from day one. that doesn't mean you need to stick to that thought process #you might have these reflexes forever no matter how hard you try. but you'll get quicker about moving on from them #but you do have to try. you do have to realize that other people's identities aren't about you #anyway. this post feels like batting at a hornets nest. really hope i don't get some bad faith readers here lol #(i noticed a lot of places one could apply bad faith but like it's 3:30 am i'm too tired to add this many disclaimer. #so i'm gonna trust you to not jump to conclusions and to approach this in good faith okay? mwah 🖤) #also my whole ramble abt morality (in the tags too) is relevant to. any topic really #i may just make a separate post about it really. .....tomorrow tho.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

getting gnc with it out & about at math meetup (or wherever)

#of course you have a zillion idea for faves' Looks. & also simultaneously none; if you're me #here's one: just the combo Different But Overlapping W/More Usual approach #easy to imagine winston Stays comfy to a sufficient degree &/or oft sticks to a Default kind of outfit approach. but anything's possible #like shaking things up gently for taylor too. always appropriate. ideal person from work to run into; as is often true #they can't make you link up that little taylor sketch w/any Sequence here. it can be its own independent taylor reaction lol #w/their slightly raised shoulders / all the more elevated [expressions i particularly like] it creates momentum like #well now i'd go and elevate winston's [expressions i particularly like] even more lol. the Especially Enjoyed trademarks/classics.... #and of course we do not have winston running into taylor without Also being 💖😳 about it. what's Ever going on around here #tayston #winston billions #corned beef #winston's little a gnc with it even just in his tees & cargo pants. no normativity out here. genderdivergent & neurononconforming #i Did move to add sparkly gold eyeliner?shadow? take your pick b/c [Autistacity Shoutout] #taylor's outfit coloration based on [picked a medium grey like a tanktop akd had] & then was going to have spun off from a deep purple or #more like the burgundy taylor wears but a much lighter color would've just been more helpful w/all the Other lighter colors; like the lines #namely the lines showing up against it....so; stunningly; a bit more light blue for us all lol #another moment of pencil lineart but this time drawn today vs months ago. some digital editing; all digital coloring #as inaccessibly discussed prior....epic highs & triumphs of spontaneous sorts of [existing outside work's hostile environment] meetups #yes this is hoodie vs hoodie moments (they would never fight) (they may kiss???) (go back several tags & peruse things)

[craycraybluejay]

Some people have a skewed idea of the difference between self-defense and revenge, and you can immediately tell they've never had to seriously defend themselves from an ongoing threat to their life and livelihood.

#also revenge is valid anyway #but thats not my point #literally its always 'just ignore it' and 'learn to deal' and 'move on' and 'dont fight back' #when someone throws the first punch #right up until someone actually dies #and then its all #'i never couldve seen that coming' #'thats so horrible! i wish someone was there to help them' #'wow that was very unexpected' #as with suicide so the same with abuse and even just general toxicity #everyone turns the other cheek and criticizes 'bad victims' until they are dead #at which point they 'mourn' them and act like it was such a big surprise #bad victims #fight mode forever. either i survive or we both die 👍 #self defense isnt just the classic someone currently is trying to engage me in a gun fight #self defense is not taking any kind of beating sitting down. its showing people that youre not scared to hit back harder #bullying is an easy example. they will not leave you alone if you 'just ignore them' but will try harder to make u kys #but they just might leave you alone if you deck one of them in the face so hard their nose will never look the same again. #sometimes if you're lucky all you have to do is set a precedent-- an example of your no bullshit policy #and you get rid of several potential threats at once. like a group of bullies #other times people aren't so aware of each other so you will have to fight for yourself again #and you WILL have to do it. because the people who should be doing it dor you are closing their eyes and deciding to see nothing #listen. its not enough to go through the motions and hope to survive. you have to be motivated to love yourself enough to protect yourself #there is nothing in the world more freeing than to say 'i deserve better than this' and smash some heads #sometimes metaphorically sometimes literally #you are worth it #you do not deserve to be bullied abused betrayed talked down to etc. #and if someone decides to make you feel lesser than you do it back. they decide to hit you hit back. #obv not always the course of action if theyre a lot stronger than u or have something rly serious over u #but at every real opportunity fight like hell

[athetos]

Okay this is something that has taken me years to come to terms with and I just need to get off my chest especially since im not in therapy anymore and honestly only a few close friends know this but talking about it is still hard and I want to be able to better forgive myself and get rid of some of the internalized shame that plagues me because of this, and like, just be more comfortable admitting this fact to myself so I can better heal from it. And I know it’s also triggering to a lot of people so I never feel like it’s ever appropriate to discuss I should have a therapist again maybe sometime. But I’m gonna just say it and maybe delete this later. But I’m a rape + abuse survivor and it’s took me years to even “unlock” this trauma and properly process it. I’ve come a long way but idk I just wanted to get this off my chest because it’s been aching to come out but I also don’t wanna burden people.

#I want to ‘move on’ from this but I’m always gonna have ptsd and complicated triggers and. trying to make peace with that. #idk why it’s been at the forefront of my mind the past couple weeks #maybe because I’m yearning for a long term relationship rn and this is barriers I need to break through #like oh man if I wanna love someone and marry them I have to learn to trust them and take that leap #and the fact that I’m afraid of falling into an abusive relationship again #because as much as I tell myself I’d recognize the warning signs and would leave immediately #I truly will never know what I would do until it actually happens #and I think just the fear of falling for someone and having them turn out to be a scumbag is alone too much #I need to vet potential partners through multiple friend groups or something #my therapist always told me that the reason toxic and/or abusive people try to enter my life is because they can tell I’m vulnerable #like that I’m some sort of easy target because I was a people pleaser and empathize easily #and people realize they can get away with some shitty stuff and take advantage of me since I’m loyal and forgiving #I don’t think I’m like that anymore. I feel like I’m a lot more assertive and like. cognizant of red flags now. #but again… it’s a fear I have #idk what I’m even saying anymore.

[britneyshakespeare]

i hate that i've been complaining about everything in my life lately but if you're a frequent reader of my personal posts (side note, if you are: why. also i'm sorry) but if you remember earlier this week on tuesday i slipped outside and hurt my knee. i didn't end up seeing a doctor about that bc they literally had no openings when i talked to the secretary she was like i am so sorry sweetie. we can't take you for the rest of the week and i was like oh. and after a couple days it didn't hurt sooooo much although i think the limp ive been walking w has not been doing me any favors. but now today especially (? for some reason) BOTH of my legs were really hurting. i'm wondering if that might somehow be related to me getting my period today bc sometimes. you know how period pain can just end up wherever it wants. but then around 8 o'clock today i stubbed the SHIT out of one of my toes and i think i might have injured it (? i dont think it's broken but i cant stand on it and it's been hours). this is my left foot and the knee i hurt on tuesday was on my right leg. i am literally limping on both sides of my body now and i cant stand or walk.

#shout out to me being irritable with my family. sowwyyyyyy #EVERYTHING HURTS WHEN I TRY TO MOVE FROM PLACE TO PLACE #i dont know if i can handle seeing people tomorrow and it's Literally Christmas #i told kaily i wanted her to carry me to my bed earlier like im a little kid who fell asleep in the car and she said no :( #sisters are USELESS #tales from diana #menstruation cw #injury cw #maybe i shouldve gone to urgent care or the er about my knee earlier this week #i was starting to think i didnt seriously injure it but now im having doubts? or maybe i walked on it too much yesterday #i really was doing WAY too much walking yesterday but i kinda couldnt help it #my adhd body Wants To Move all the time even when i know i should be taking it easy #thats always been a problem w me whenever ive needed to limit my exertion. i just want to wander and fidget #i have a hard time staying still it makes me feel insanely unhappy #theres no better way to describe it #but i cant. move. now. sooooo #i dont know if i mightve broken my toe or not but its kinda swollen #how common is it to break a toe really? theyve got. theyve got a lot of little tiny bones #i dont know id think its more common to break a toe if you crushed it under something #i stubbed it. REALLY hard. like harder than even a normal really bad toe-stubbing. #i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. #can i have a wheelchair for christmas just for like a week at least #and get someone to carry me up and down the stairs?

[aeide-thea]

thinking abt (1) that post abt how most censorship is preemptive self-censorship¹ (2) bras²

⸻ ¹ wow, tumblr search actually worked for once??? ² i do understand and respect that for many people bras serve an actual structural function wrt support/comfort! however, for many other people (hi!) they do not, at least in everyday non-sports contexts, and that's the set of concerns i'm speaking to here.

#i mean for me personally it's also like. sometimes/often/always i don't want to have visible tits‚ for Gender Reasons #so rendering them more compressed & visually ignorable is a move in the right direction #but that's sort of seasonal (which sounds insane‚ but‚ idk‚ in the summer the visible body hair helps balance out the visible tits???) #so it's like. objectively very obvious that i ought to go braless more in the summer #when it would bother me less visually and dramatically increase my comfort levels #and i do‚ in the house! but like. when i go out i still feel the need to render myself Presentable and i'm mad about it #bc like. yeah it's partially a trans desire to hide my chest but like. is that actually separable from the way women are socialized #to manage their breasts to HOA-approved standard or else open themselves up to a whole gamut of inappropriate treatment. (no.) #and so it's really just like. reimposing many different shades of cisheteropatriarchy on myself simultaneously #but unfortunately the only way out is to just. accept all the bad reactions i'm living in fear of. but those DO feel bad! #as always it's like. hard when yr self-protective conditioning isn't serving you wrt being a free person #but IS a rational reaction to the hobbled reality of yr actual existence… #like. easy to say 'just ignore those worries.' and maybe i will‚ at least in the context of like. casual public appearances #but like. even if the material consequences are unlikely‚ for me‚ to be more than unpleasantly judgmental stares— #that's still a real emotional consequence that has an impact on my well-being! but so does the self-censorship. #anyway. too many tags & no novel insight. just like. sux lol #(also usually on here i omit any discussion of Tit Management Issues bc it's my space where i get to pretend not to have a body) #(but like. that's self-censorship of a kind too.) #embodiment (is violence)

[alatariel-galadriel]

aaAAAH change is coming quickly!!! (In four months) with no advance notice!!! (Four months) for something I’ve never done before!!! (I’ve done this three separate times) I have no time to prepare!!! (FOUR MONTHS)

#y’all get to witness me soothing stress in real time #Anyways roommate is moving back in with her parents once the lease is up :( I’m gonna miss her #We’ve lived together almost five years!! She’s practically my common law wife at this point pour one out for my wife #Finding an apartment will be easy I’ve already sort of planned on it bc it was always a possibility but. I don’t want to live alone :( #actually I kind of do. I just have to be careful to not go full hermit and actually leave the house #IVE MADE A SOCIAL CIRCLE things will not be bad. If things get bad I can move back home and work remotely #The future always flinches first etc etc

[sensazioneultra]

fatphobia is always tiring like always always but when it comes from your own family it's like. extra exhausting. it hurts soo bad. you can't ever escape it

#like that one coworker who pokes fun at your relationship with food and it's obviously rooted in fatphobia? you'll just go home and he won't #be there it'll hurt for a bit but you'll live #but like beside super dangerous fatphobia (talking life or death shit like medical fatphobia) the one that does the most damage to me #is that coming from my own family.. it's just. you already put 43 conditions before the 'i love you' (that you don't ever say but anyway) #and then when i gained lots of weight that was... another one to add to the list #but maybe i'm not used to it yet idk it's been quite a few years atp but idk? #it just hasn't gotten easier to hear them call me ugly and fat (in a derogatory way) and make mean comments and shame me every other day #like! it hurts so bad! why do you think it's funny!!!!!!! #this doesn't include my mum bc (sadly) she understands what it's like to be shamed for being fat she wouldn't do it to me #not like in a purposefully mean way at least #tho she does do some insidious shit like always going 'there's this new EASY diet that TOTALLY works' or saying x health problem is probably #due to my weight etc #which like isn't good? doesn't help? still hurts me? but it's different bc i know it's not rooted in hating fat people/me being fat #it's more like her own shit she went thru that she doesn't want me to go thru too and like yeah it's fucked up but i get it more than #just outright saying i am disgusting for being fat lol #like mh both suck but at least you're not joking about the fact even if i didn't eat i would be fine cause i'm so fat haha #yeah. just. a lot. #there's no escaping it i think the only way would be to move the fuck out and that would also help with uh. the misgendering thinly veiled #homotransphobia abuse constantly having to put up w their fighting and sometimes fighting w them myself #and the ableism and and and and #basically this is lowkey hell like i've learned to live with it more or less but jesus it is extremely exhausting #i just want out i've wanted out for years but every day i get closer to losing it #there might be something potentially coming up but i have to wait til the end of the month to see if anything comes of it #we'll see.. i rly hope i can rent this place idc if it's small idc if it'll suck most of my paycheck and i'll have to ask for my mum's help #i just need to at least try and get away cause like. i get to august every year and my father is absolutely impossible to deal with #and i know my mum feels the same and i hate leaving her ajnd my brother too but like #at some point i have to think about myself cause god what use am i even to them when i'm a ghost of myself in this house #it's just shit for everyone plus if i really get to rent that place it's literally IN FRONT of my family's apartment i could still help out #but at least i wouldn't LIVE with them i wouldn't feel so fucking trapped #whatever. bad bad bad day physical pain wise too