#whatever. bad bad bad day physical pain wise too

[adaelines]

price relationship hcs!

sorry for nothing longer, I've felt bad pain wise lately but I replayed mw on veteran and still spent the entire time staring at him ♡

warnings: gn reader, smut below the warning, price adores you so much!!!, he calls you a bitch but its during sex and affectionate, brat tamer price, spanking, collaring

-first proper date, following most likely months of flirting whenever possible and the biggest crush known to man, would be at the local pub. some place you can both call yourselves regular at in the near future, that he hopes you can have regular date nights at when hes home with you, with a pint of whatever on draft and a selection of pub classics. steak and ale pie, fish and chips, lasagne… he doesn't care what you order, he wants you to enjoy yourself and happily pays for it all

-he's a heater. whether it's at home cuddled in bed, on the sofa whilst you watch TV together, or anything that required close proximity, this man is so warm it practically radiates off of him. means he gives the absolute best hugs, usually reserved only for you, and is the absolute best to share a bed with at night. sleeping with this man is so comfortable, always at least one arm wrapped around you tight, he loves to be as close as physically possible

-LOVES anything domestic with you. could be standing next to each other in the bathroom, brushing your teeth whilst he takes care of his beard, showering together with nothing sexual, just intimate time together. it's his absolute favourite, nothing means more to him than being able to do this sort of stuff with you! learns your routine pretty quick and is over the moon when you start doing yours with him! spends a fair amount on his beard oils, it reminds him of home after having no time to take care of himself past the basics on deployment, will happily buy you expensive self care items too! swears he's not a sugar daddy, just loves spoiling you!

-the BEST gossip partner. not just gossip, he'll listen to you talk about your day for hours, sit next to him and let him braid your hair, or simply play with it if it's short, and tell him everything. he'll respond with little hums, "'s that so, love?", or laugh along. but he is listening, asks questions regularly, he's just quiet because he loves memorising your voice for when he's away

-has a locket with a picture of you that he wears all the time, especially when he's on duty. he's careful, wouldn't want it getting into the wrong hands, but knowing he has something of you, has your photo with him, gets him through the hardest of missions. spends nights looking at it, reminds him that beneath everything he's human with someone waiting for him at home, that he needs to get back to you. it's always beneath clothing, most don't even know it exists, but it's the most important thing to him whilst he's away

NSFW BELOW

-god. this man. the biggest brat tamer ever. when you get together, after a while of being comfortable and knowing that you're okay with it, sets out rules to follow and any boundaries, anything that's okay or not. stuff like not touching yourself without his permission, always telling him when you're needy, telling him what you're feeling at all times, and always listening to what he tells you. despite all the rules, you're always most important!

-if you're into it, will get you a necklace to wear at all times, like a collar. a pretty simple thing, in silver or gold, that's discreet enough that others wouldn't recognise what it really is. you're expected to wear it all the time, but it's a pretty little chain that means so much you really wouldn't want to take it off anyway.

-he wears a few rings, all simple gold thick bands that look incredible on his hands. loves when you suck on his fingers and pay special attention to them, wrap your lips around him and trail your tongue over the cold band, it'll send him over the edge. loves when they leave marks on you, especially when spanking you.

-speaking of spanking, he absolutely loves it! you're being extra bratty, talking back and moving away from him? you're gonna end up bent over his knee. always listens, knows when to stop, but he's gonna push you to your limit, he's gonna spank you till you cry, till you're sobbing out apologies and promises to be good for him. it's gonna be hard to sit after, the way you're bruised, and his pretty rings are gonna leave welts, deeper marks that'll stay longer.

"this is what you wanted, right? acting like such a brat, lay there and take it."

"pretty little thing… be good, won't you? stop actin' like such a bitch and ill stop treating you like one, sweetheart."

"you always look so good like this. is this why you do it? you like being marked as mine? you can just ask, love, don't have to act out all the time…"

-despite how mean he can be, how brutal, he's very very kind after. praises you for taking it so well, gives you so many kisses, rubs soothing gel anywhere he hit. brushes your hair and runs you a bath. if you're up to it, will go down on you and worship you until it's too much, he adores you and it shows.

-is VERY in tune with what you want and need. rough and brutal, hips slamming into yours, holding you down with one hand whilst the other is in your hair, roughly grabbing it? done. gently holding you close to him, whispering how perfect you are, fingers gently rubbing you, kissing your cheek and neck and absolutely spoiling you? done. he always knows what to do, pays close attention to every tell you have, he knows when to hold you tight or when to hold you down.

-the best at aftercare. does anything you need without complaint, will gently clean you up and hold you so close. he loves you more than life itself, you mean more to him than anything, he can get mean during sex but never means it, you're everything to him.

#spicy #call of duty #call of duty x reader #call of duty smut #cod #cod x reader #cod smut #captain price x reader #captain price smut #price x reader #price smut #john price x reader #john price smut

[somemydayy]

Yandere!Gojo! X Darling!Reader!

Warning: mentions of kidnapping, harassment, sexual harassment, forced physical contact, mouth to mouth feeding, and just general yandere behavior mentioned beyond the this point.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Gojo often found himself obsessing over you, you were just so damn beautiful he couldn’t help himself. Silky hair, rose tinted colored cheeks and plush lips. You were the literal embodiment of his ideal type. Beautiful, wise, caring and patient. And so damn beautiful it drove him crazy.

Maybe he was losing his mind, but he thinks he loves you to damn much, it literally hurts him. This love had no cure, and he just had to show and share his devotion towards you.

Much like gojo, you worked as a jujutsu sorcerer, and as luck would have if, you were his under classmate.

Much like Shoko, you didn’t really participate in combat. But the administration side of things, you were a counselor some would say.

You enjoyed your job immensely.

Much to Gojo’s annoyance, you often made trips to Kyoto, only good thing was you would return with a wide smile and a bag of pastries or treats in hand.

His jealousy was out of this world, once he snuck into your car and waited until you were in Kyoto to pop up and scare you.

Much to his dismay you scolded him, while threatening to drive back to tokyo.

You decided to visit your family home, with no other choice you threatened Gojo if he said or did something stupid you’ll skin him alive, and knowing you, it wasn’t just a threat but a promise.

But you were left flabbergasted when he introduced himself as your future boyfriend / husband much to your annoyance.

Knowing you, he was sure you were pissed beyond believe. But all you did was give a wide grin as you grabbed his cheeks and squished them together, pinching them until he screamed out in pain.

After that incident, Gojo was more obsessive. Making sure you made it safe to and from work and home.

Even going as far as taking pictures of you secretly.

You were just to damn beautiful, Gojo felt bad but he had no other choice. You were one strange addiction.

And so after one particular assignment, you became extremely wounded.

Gojo of course took you to Shoko to get you treatment but when you were asleep still recovering from your injuries, Gojo slipped out with you in his arms.

You woke up in a part of the school you never saw before; it was like a dungeon. A room covered in talisman charms, dark and cramp.

Not long after Gojo decided to move you to his estate, cause he wanted you to be more comfortable he would say.

It had been days, yet you refused to drink or eat anything at all. And gojo was starting to go insane.

So with a sad smile he joked about letting you go, free.

But much to your disappointment he lied, he was never going to let you leave him.

“Why won’t you look at me? I love you so much. I did everything so we could be together.”

You could only look at him with contempt in your eyes. But much to your dismay he smiled and said he loved you too much. And soon enough you will come to accept his love.

Much to his concern, you didn’t eat or drink much of anything. So gojo did whatever he deemed was necessary; at first he gave you a IV as to not be dehydrated, but even that you took out of your arm, so he got you a feeding tube, but alas you ripped that out too.

So gojo could only think of one thing; he would feed you mouth to mouth if he had too; and so he currently found himself tying you up as he drank water and pressed his lips to yours; as disgusting as it was you had no other choice but to swallow it.

It was late one night, and gojo forgot to lock the door; and so you ran out of the house, trying to look for help. Sadly you got as far as the front gate before you were tackled down against the floor.

Much to your dismay; gojo came up with the worst possible punishment. He dragged you inside; and stripped you down in nothing but your underwear and pushed you inside the shower.

“I bought you some clothes; why don’t you wear them for me?”

Gojo could only wipe your tears away as he tied you up against his bedframe, and admired your body.

Gojo swore he wasn’t a pervert but his actions said differently. And so forth, Gojo would lay next to you at night and admire your beauty. On more then one occasion; he found himself tracing his fingers along side the curves of your body. At first he simply would have a look here or there; but as time went on it progressed into groping you as you slept. A light caress of your cheek, arm, neck soon become harsh and aggressive as he began to touch your chest and waist.

Your sleepy panting and whimpers you made were so damn hot; gojo found himself palming his intimate parts during the night as he looked at your peaceful face.

Some nights were too tough, especially summer. It being extremely humid; you often slept in only your undergarments.

Gojo could look at you forever.

You would wake up in cold sweats and gojo on top of you.

You would hit and yell at him, but all he would do was kiss your lips and trail his tongue down your collar bone.

Gojo stalked, locked you up and threatened you but he never once took advantage of you like this before.

“I promise to not do anything else, I want you to beg me to touch you. I’ll only have you until then.”

Much to his disappointment you never whined or even looked him in the eye as he would continue to give you water mouth to mouth.

But one particular day; gojo gave you libido supplements.

All you could do was cry as you rubbed your legs together.

Later gojo would slip his hands against your chest and message your boobs.

You would often wake up to witness Gojo’s length poking at your butt, but this time you decided to jump his bones, almost poking his eyes out.

After giving into temptation he kissed you.

With enough wisdom to know what he wanted, you waited until he was asleep, you undid the restraints against your wrists.

After days of gojo coming home from work and laying down to sleep, you kept track of his schedule. As you were going to steal his keys, and escape he grabbed your waist and kneed your legs.

Gojo was definitely a pervert, not long after you found yourself convincing yourself he really did love you.

“You know I love you, I’ll never let you go darling. We’ll get married one day and have a kid or two. They’ll have your eyes, and my heart. But although I do plan to share you, I’ll rather not right now.”

© Somemydayy 2022 | Please do not copy or alter this writing on Tumblr or any other platform.

#drabble #image #scenario #jjk #jujutsu sorcerer #jujutsu kaisen image #yandere gojo x darling #gojo yandere #gojo satoru scenario #satoru gojo #yandere gojo x reader #yandere x darling #yandere! x reader #yandere

[slocumjoe]

I think a body swap could be interesting to see with sole and the companions especially with differences in body or faction would you mind giving it a try?

I did this for one (1) specific meme

Disney Channel Strikes Again

Cait; ends up in X6-88 and has a surprisingly good time. For one, he hasn't treated his body like a amusement park you can't get kicked out of. Secondly, he's literally made to be a prime specimen. Mostly just wanders around, amazed at how much better she feels. She's not even bothered by the change of scenery, so to speak. She's way too excited to see what it's like not having joint pain and constant chills. And his head doesn't hurt! And his reflexes are amazing, it's like she can see, hear, feel everything around her before it even happens. She would take the opportunity to take the Courser life for a joyride, but being in his body, Cait gets a firsthand look at just how fucked she could be when they switch back, and wisely decides to take it easy.

Curie; gets to see what life is like for Hancock. Horrified. Traumatized. Disgusted. Confused. Curious. Intrigued. For one, getting such a personal experience as a ghoul is useful, and she does enjoy the learning experience. On the other hand, Hancock is one of those people that's treats his body like its a bumper car, and Curie is not. She has to figure out what the dull pain in her head is from. Is that a symptom of being a ghoul, or is it from his excessive chem usage, lack of sleep, and refusal to drink water? Then it's the frailness. Hancock isn't fragile, but he is scrawny, where Curie eats and rests more. She has weight, Hancock doesn't. The fun part happens when withdrawal kicks in. After the debacle, Hancock finds himself a few pounds heavier, hydrated, well-rested, and with no urge to take chems. Curie basically tidied his health up for him while he was out. And is adamant he try to maintain it.

Danse; gets to live as Preston for a bit. And the funny thing is, since both of them are insomniac workaholics who don't pay attention to their physical needs, Danse didn't notice until he went to work in the garage, and didn't recognize the hand he was using. Danse takes this the worst. Not only does he not want the person who got his body to have his body, he doesn't want to have a body that isn't his own body. He's already been through this. That didn't go well. The whole time, Danse is in a crisis. It's not fun to watch yourself from an outside perspective. But as for the body, the only thing that bothered him was that it wasn't his.

Deacon;

Deacon gets Gage and continues as normal.

Gage; gets to be Piper for a day and also has a bad time. For one, her caffeine/sugar/nicotine addiction is more like a phantom haunting his every waking moment, and he finds it hard to think if he doesn't have at least one of them in his system. Her system? Whatever. Secondly, being a woman in the wasteland sucks major ass. He knew that before. Getting to live it for a time turns him into a passionate man-hater. Also, it's just fucking weird to be 20 again. He can feel the bad decisions of the 20 year old brain, whispering just beneath his 40 year old sensibilities. Once they're back in their respective bodies, claps her on the shoulder and tells her it gets better. Its maybe the first time he's expressed sympathy in his life.

Hancock; ends up in Danse. Hancock hates it as much as Danse does, but...for an unexpected reason. See, Hancock is a creature of...indulgence. Whims. Desires. And Danse is...Hancock never saw him that way, because, y'know, they fucking hate each other, but in this circumstance, when Danse isn't Danse...he ain't ugly, thats for damn sure. So, Hancock was neutral to the concept, until he looked down and got to see the view. This infuriates Hancock. Why does the technofascist get triple-J cups? And then he couldn't do chems, because...well, not his body to treat like a bumper car. And then he got to experience a war vet's PTSD throughout his time. Hancock isn't jumpy. Being jumpy at things he, himself, found normal was a trip. Hancock is all too happy to get out. Especially since Curie took his body to the dry cleaners.

MacCready; switches with Cait. Much like Danse and Preston, Mac and Cait have similar bodies and physical sensations. So, didn't notice until someone addressed him as Cait. MacCready is the one to suffer the most dysphoria, and finds he really isn't comfortable in a lady's body, despite his wildest fantasies as a horny teenager. He tries to ignore it, but it's the little things. Moving your arms feels different when there's a pouch of fat on either pectoral. Moving your legs feels different with nothing in-between. He also tries to be as respectful as possible and refuses to piss, so Cait ends up nearly pissing herself when she gets back in. She both does and doesn't appreciate it.

Nick;

Piper; gets MacCready and knows the moment it happens. How does she know? Piper is a clean freak who's kind of obsessive over her hygiene. One second with MacCready's body and she knew something was dreadfully wrong. If she were a bolder, less considerate person, she'd take his body and walk through a car wash. As it stands, grants him that privacy. She just strips to his underwear, power brushes his teeth, and scrubs everywhere that isn't private with a washcloth and soap until his skin is red. MacCready doesn't appreciate this. Everyone else does.

Preston; is Deacon and mostly unbothered. Mostly. Aside from the what the fuck is happening, Deacon is not the worst person to bodyswap with. He's decently clean, he's of average health. And besides, Preston spends most of his time trying to calm down Danse, who is living in a nightmare. He doesn't get a lot of time to freak out himself. He's just trying to keep Danse from offing himself, because he's in Preston's body. And Preston needs that back, man.

X6-88; gets to live as tiny, soft little Curie, and hates it. She's so short. Her hands are useless. She's lacks agility and endurance. Her voice is akin to a baby lamb. It's horrible. People make googoo eyes at him, speak like he's a startled puppy, and if they're really dumb, make unwanted advances. Curie never has to deal with suitors again. X6-88 scares them all off. He chases Cait as himself down and threatens murder-suicide if she so much as gets him scratched. He might have hated the experience, but seeing Curie act like X6 was a treat for all who ever wondered what she'd be like if she snapped.

#fallout 4 #fo4 #paladin danse #preston garvey #nick valentine #piper wright #x6-88 #robert joseph maccready #companions react #porter gage #nick swaps w no one because robot

[mountsmase]

this is a weird concept because it happen to me a few days ago so I fell down the stairs and dislocated my kneecap, and now I’m in a brace and crutches. Could you create a concept where Mason looks after me

Omg anon I hope you’re okay and that it gets better soon🩷🫶🏻

He’d be the absolute best at looking after you. Pampering you all the time and making sure you’ve got everything you need and he’d want to carry you everywhere, like if he sees you up and trying to walk on your crutches he’d come and scoop you up (carefully so that he doesn’t hurt you) and take you wherever you want to go 🥺 he’d make sure you’re comfy all the time, letting you snuggle up to him whatever way is comfortable for you even if it does mean he’s going to end up with a dead arm, as long as you’re comfy that’s all that matters to him 🥺

And then maybe when your doctor suggests you start moving it a little more he’d help you, making sure you’ve always got him to lean on and encouraging you and helping you do the little exercises you’ve been given and he’d drive you too and from all your physical therapy sessions, treating you to a takeaway from your favourite restaurant if you ever have a bad day recovery wise 🥺

oh and he would be so hesitant to leave if he has an away game and needs to be away for the night, you’d convince him that you’ll be fine alone but he’d make sure you’ve got everything you could possibly need before he leaves, stoking your bedside table up with snacks and making sure everything is in reach so that your journeys out of bed/off the couch are limited and he’d be calling/texting you all the time to make sure you’re okay and that you’re taking your pain meds🥹🫶🏻

#mason concepts #anon

[incorrect-koh-posts]

∇ - old age/aging headcanon

♒ - cooking/food headcanon

☾ - sleep headcanon

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon (maybe with reader/yn-chan)

WEDDING HEADCANNON PLS to sum it up for Baldwin 😭😭😭

All right, anon, more Baldwin you shall have! I hope this satisfies your cravings 😊

BALDWIN IV (Part 2)

∇ Old Age / Aging

If he lived to see old age (perhaps in some happy!AU in which the leprosy progresses very slowly), Baldwin would remain what he always was: a wise, respectable ruler, and a man with a kind heart. Of course, he'd be a bit slower than in his youth, and perhaps there'd be the odd aches and pains to bother him physically, but overall, he probably wouldn't change much. If anything, years of experience might lighten his burden of kingship a little.

Feeling and seeing himself age wouldn't affect Baldwin greatly, since he has spent almost all his life in expectation of an early grave. So he would likely simply accept whatever changes time would bring, and try to live with them as best he could, being grateful for having been granted so much time instead of resenting the idea of growing old. He wouldn't be the sort of elderly person to lament all day or condemn all the young people at his court for adopting fashions and practices that seem foreign to him or would have been inacceptable in his own youth. Instead, he would still keep an open mind, trying to not completely lose touch with the present generation and their whims and woes.

Hence, he'd often be seen in the company of younger people, both to enjoy their refreshing company and to offer them guidance and advice, should they wish it. In turn, he would also ask them to teach him new things as well, wanting to hear what news or stories they brought to his court from whatever corner of the world they came from. To be a companion of the old king's, thus, would very much be regarded as a badge of honour among the younger courtiers.

♒ Cooking / Food

Baldwin is always careful to take his meals alone, not even allowing one of his physicians or body servants in his rooms while he dines. Ever since the leprosy began to affect his lips and the lower part of his face, he has been self-conscious of his eating habits and does not wish to see the disgust he sometimes feels at his own deterioration mirrored in a dozen curious pairs of eyes. He has not supped with his courtiers at high table for many a year, preferring instead - whenever he joins them, though it is seldom enough these days - to let the wine and food served to him sit untouched.

While Baldwin has never overindulged in food or drink, he does have a bit of a sweet tooth. When he was little, his mother would occasionally let him have candied fruit as a treat or when he was upset, and Sibylla has long since picked up that tradition. Whenever they have had a particularly bad spat, she'll come up to his chambers later in the evening to smoothe any feathers she may have ruffled, often with a servant bearing a tray with a selection of dainties in her wake. So Baldwin lets her in because he knows this is as close as Sibylla ever comes to an apology; and then they sit on the balcony, watching the sun set over the roofs and turrets of Jerusalem, each having a glass of the cloyingly sweet tamarind juice from Egypt that they both loved as children but can barely tolerate now. Baldwin hasn't yet had the heart to tell her that his ability to taste even that concoction is fleeting more and more.

☾ Sleep

Though he isn't prone to having nightmares, Baldwin often has trouble sleeping. He longs for the relief sleep brings from his daily toil in the dust of reality; for a respite - however brief - from his uphill struggle both against his affliction and against the opposing forces within his kingdom. Often, he is too exhausted to find rest at night, too many thought and worries swirling around in his head. However, he usually refuses the sleeping draughts offered to him by his physicians. He has had to accept drugs to relieve his suffering more times than he likes to remember; if God saw fit to afflict him with insomnia, he'd prefer to spend those hours with a clear mind.

Thus, it is a somewhat frequent occurrence at the Palace of Jerusalem to hear a servant or guard whisper about the pale figure they spotted wandering the corridors late at night. A candle in hand, his white robes fluttering about him, the already half-blind king staggers through the darkness, trying to outpace the shadows that are gathering ever closer around him.

♦ Quirks / Hobbies

All his life, Baldwin has harboured a deep appreciation for the arts, particularly for poetry and song. He frequently invites musicians and troubadours to his court to entertain the lords and ladies, and he would be overjoyed to be able to share his love for these things with a close friend or a partner. What would be even more intriguing to him, of course, would be if his beloved someone were themselves musically or poetically inclined. They could spend long afternoons together in a sheltered seat in the cloisters or in the gardens, sharing their favourite tales and poems with each other, or Baldwin listening to his lover sing with closed eyes.

Baldwin's other passion are horses. Though his failing health rarely allows him to ride anymore, he still visits his favourite Castilians and Arabians in the palace stables and occasionally accompanies his little nephew to his riding lessons. Watching Baudouinet wobble around on his favourite pony tends to put Baldwin in a wistful mood: In his youth, he was himself an accomplished horseman, and even some of the older knights like Godfrey or Tiberias praised him for his skill with the animals. Nowadays, Baldwin is self-aware to know that he'll nevermore be anyone's knight on a white steed. Yet he still dreams about it, sometimes: pulling the one he loves up into the saddle before him, and taking them on an early-morning ride through the sun-washed Judaean Hills.

+ Wedding

If Baldwin had ever been allowed to take a wife, it would a) likely only have happened on the condition that Sibylla's son would still be heir to the crown, seeing that no children could be expected to come out of Baldwin's marriage, and b) it would absolutely have been a political match. The lords and barons of the Haute Cour would have had to agree on a suitable bride for Baldwin, ideally a young woman from one of the royal lines of Europe who would bring Jerusalem a powerful ally; before the day of the wedding, Baldwin and her would scarcely have had time to get to know each other, and certainly never without other people being present. That said, Baldwin would be determined to be good to his wife and at least strike up a friendly companionship with her. Of course, somewhere deep inside, he'd be hoping that, with time, they might come to love each other. But he'd keep that hope carefully tucked away and focus on one step at the time.

Being a royal wedding, the whole ordeal would naturally be a grand occasion: not only for the people to show their devotion to their king, but also for all the nobility of the Latin kingdoms to make an appearance and flaunt their wealth. There'd probably be a tournament or some other spectacle, poets would be invited, great feasts given, and with all the fuss of the preparations Baldwin would be wishing for it to be over before it had properly begun. But he would, of course, calmly bear the Patriarch's thinly-veiled disapproval as he declared them man and wife in the Holy Sepulchre, and after the wedding feast, Baldwin would gather his courage and ask his bride to dance. Something slow and stately, probably - nothing that he could bungle too badly. But perhaps they'd share a shy glance over their joined hands, and try to make each other feel a little more at ease.

The wedding night would be terribly awkward, with both parties likely being very inexperienced and nervous. Baldwin, in particular, would be afraid to show his bride what he looks like underneath all the layers of bandages and the silver mask. But it is to be hoped that, after the initial awkwardness, they'd somehow fumble through it, perhaps having a good laugh or two and getting to know and appreciate each other in the process.

Want to hear my headcanons for a KoH character of your choice? Have a look here!

#ask games #asks #kingdom of heaven 2005 #kingdom of heaven headcanons #headcanon meme #baldwin iv #boy oh boy #this was another long one #but i'm not complaining #though be warned it may take a little while for me to answer these asks #there are two more waiting in my inbox right now #plus several other asks i haven't got to yet #but well #this is fun #also: i try to keep the lover/ partner things gender-neutral #but for a wedding in the 12th century baldwin would realistically need a wife #so i hope you don't mind that one

[lostbrothersauask]

The Boys' Stories!

TRIGGER WARNING: PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Shadow:

Shadow was raised by a couple that frequently forgot he existed. More often than not, when he came home from school the people in charge of him would freak out and accuse him of being a home invader until they realize "oh wait, we've got a kid." As you can imagine, Shadow became self-sufficient and stopped needing much of anything attention-wise. Maria was his foster sister, but she died from sickness. Her parents noticed Shadow then and would make veiled jabs at him verbally because they somehow believed it was Shadow's fault she died.

Sonic:

Sonic was raised by a couple who knew he existed, but they didn't care. They would know he existed and acknowledge him, but they would often tell him to be quiet. Sonic has really bad ADHD, so he kept getting told to hold still. His foster parents thought of this with contempt and would often tell him his teachers needed to be harder on him, asking him how much longer until he moved out, and so on. He longed for positive attention and became an attention-seeker, but not in a bad way. He became super friendly and open towards everything, not to mention tolerant.

Eclipse:

Eclipse was raised by a couple that was ashamed of him. When he was at home, he wasn't allowed out of his room. Often, they would come up and ask him to clean his room or whatever, followed with an insult about his ugliness or incompetence or something along those lines. Eclipse became defensive in response, which led to things getting worse. They started grabbing the nearest thing to throw at him when he spoke back. As a result, he became alert and ready to fight for the slightest thing. He is cheerful at being outside, but touchy, and he sees himself as a waste.

Silver:

Silver was raised by a couple with a lot of pent-up anger. Rules would change. One day he was allowed to go in the backyard without asking, the next day he would get in trouble for it. When he was in trouble, there was tons of yelling and hitting involved. Sometimes, they would take out anger at each other on Silver. Being bullied at school didn't help, and he often walked around with bruises, believing he deserved the pain. He still does, and he grew to be docile and meek. He is jumpy and timid, and says sorry way too much when he does anything. He doesn't like to admit he needs help, either.

At this point, they were each rescued from these situations and introduced to one another.

#eclipse the darkling #sonic the hedgehog #shadow the hedgehog #silver the hedgehog #angst #lost brothers au #trigger warning #found family

[grimmstar-grimmoire]

The 9 Satanic Sins

1. Stupidity—The top of the list for Satanic Sins. The Cardinal Sin of Satanism. It’s too bad that stupidity isn’t painful. Ignorance is one thing, but our society thrives increasingly on stupidity. It depends on people going along with whatever they are told. The media promotes a cultivated stupidity as a posture that is not only acceptable but laudable. Satanists must learn to see through the tricks and cannot afford to be stupid.

2. Pretentiousness—Empty posturing can be most irritating and isn’t applying the cardinal rules of Lesser Magic. On equal footing with stupidity for what keeps the money in circulation these days. Everyone’s made to feel like a big shot, whether they can come up with the goods or not.

3. Solipsism—Can be very dangerous for Satanists. Projecting your reactions, responses and sensibilities onto someone who is probably far less attuned than you are. It is the mistake of expecting people to give you the same consideration, courtesy and respect that you naturally give them. They won’t. Instead, Satanists must strive to apply the dictum of “Do unto others as they do unto you.” It’s work for most of us and requires constant vigilance lest you slip into a comfortable illusion of everyone being like you. As has been said, certain utopias would be ideal in a nation of philosophers, but unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, from a Machiavellian standpoint) we are far from that point.

4. Self-deceit—It’s in the “Nine Satanic Statements” but deserves to be repeated here. Another cardinal sin. We must not pay homage to any of the sacred cows presented to us, including the roles we are expected to play ourselves. The only time self-deceit should be entered into is when it’s fun, and with awareness. But then, it’s not self-deceit!

5. Herd Conformity—That’s obvious from a Satanic stance. It’s all right to conform to a person’s wishes, if it ultimately benefits you. But only fools follow along with the herd, letting an impersonal entity dictate to you. The key is to choose a master wisely instead of being enslaved by the whims of the many.

6. Lack of Perspective—Again, this one can lead to a lot of pain for a Satanist. You must never lose sight of who and what you are, and what a threat you can be, by your very existence. We are making history right now, every day. Always keep the wider historical and social picture in mind. That is an important key to both Lesser and Greater Magic. See the patterns and fit things together as you want the pieces to fall into place. Do not be swayed by herd constraints—know that you are working on another level entirely from the rest of the world.

7. Forgetfulness of Past Orthodoxies—Be aware that this is one of the keys to brainwashing people into accepting something new and different, when in reality it’s something that was once widely accepted but is now presented in a new package. We are expected to rave about the genius of the creator and forget the original. This makes for a disposable society.

8. Counterproductive Pride—That first word is important. Pride is great up to the point you begin to throw out the baby with the bathwater. The rule of Satanism is: if it works for you, great. When it stops working for you, when you’ve painted yourself into a corner and the only way out is to say, I’m sorry, I made a mistake, I wish we could compromise somehow, then do it.

9. Lack of Aesthetics—This is the physical application of the Balance Factor. Aesthetics is important in Lesser Magic and should be cultivated. It is obvious that no one can collect any money off classical standards of beauty and form most of the time so they are discouraged in a consumer society, but an eye for beauty, for balance, is an essential Satanic tool and must be applied for greatest magical effectiveness. It’s not what’s supposed to be pleasing—it’s what is. Aesthetics is a personal thing, reflective of one’s own nature, but there are universally pleasing and harmonious configurations that should not be denied.

by Anton Szandor LaVey ©1987

#satanism #satanist #laveyan satanism #9 satanic sins

[deejeejay]

What I learned from my last relationship.

Okay, so no backstory needed. I'll just go on straight ahead.

Trust your gut. If you feel like this person isn't the person you want to be with for the rest of your life then don't be with them. It'll just end with you and them getting hurt.

Trust your partner. Whether or not you trust them, they could cheat, they could betray you, they could lie to you. Just trust them, give yourself peace of mind and them the benefit of doubt.

Don't be jealous or insecure. When they tell you they love you, believe them. Be okay with them having friends of the opposite sex. Avoid being possessive or holding them too tight. Who is for you, will always be for you.

Good men exist. They are few, they are rare, but they do exist. I was lucky enough to be loved by one and it came with peace. Someone who is stable, steady, understanding, loving. You deserve that. Do not give up.

Be clear and assertive about what you want and where you are in a relationship. It's hard for you because you always want to seem strong and confident and unfazed, but if you want something. Ask for it. If you're not sure, what something means. Ask what it means. Don't play games. It will save you a lot of pain and confusion in the future.

Be vulnerable and accept that to love someone means to be prepared to get hurt. Please, please; let people in. Bare your heart out. It is only then that you will be able to experience love in it's full capacity.

Don't settle. I don't mean physical appearance wise. I mean in the way they treat you. You and everyone on this earth deserve to be treated with respect, and love. Be with someone you really like, and someone that really likes you. Ask yourself: If we weren't in a relationship, would I want to be friends with this person?

Love is more an action than a feeling. After a while all that 'new person high' will calm and that is when the real relationship begins. Some days you will wake up and feel like you don't feel 'in love' with that person that day; that is when you should love them harder.

Find a way to still do what makes you happy. Referencing no. 5. Whenever you need 'me' time to recharge; ask for it. Whenever you need time to do your favorite activity; ask for it. If the person is your person, if they are truly for you, they will understand and even be happy about it.

Be honest always. It's hard, but avoid all lies. Even little white lies. Even when you just start talking to the person be completely honest. If you can't tell them about it; then you shouldn't be doing it.

Be kind and understanding especially in an argument. Try always to communicate from a place of love, avoid yelling or seeming harsh in that moment. Take a deep breath and talk it out maturely. Make it know that it is still a safe space. When necessary; agree to disagree.

Be with someone who wants the same thing as you. Without cajoling, begging, excessive compromising. Don't give up on something you really want that is an integral part of you. E.g Wanting kids. Your views on sex. Your views on marriage. Your views on religion.

Don't put the reasons for your partner's actions on yourself. When they do something that hurts you, don't blame yourself. It is about them. They are responsible for their actions. They are why they carried out that action, not you.

Figure out yourself and why you want to be in a relationship with this person. What do you want? Is this person what you want? What are your bad patterns in picking a partner? Do you want to be in this relationship because you are scared of being alone? because you are scared you will never find better? because people are in a relationship? because you want to experience and experiment? Whatever the reason is; figure it out. If it's for any reason besides love, that this person makes you happy and a better person then you should consider not being with them.

Pray and hope that the next person you are with is your forever person. That no matter how much you both grow and change; you will always love, complement, and be compatible with each other.

Pray that you never give up on working on your relationship, and on working to be better individuals.

Pray that God blesses you both with a long, happy, and fulfilled life.

And pray that God grants you what your heart desires and that He brings you your partner, your person, your very best friend as soon as possible. Most of all, pray that He gives you want you need.

Till then enjoy your life and chase your dreams !

#relationships #advice #love #break up

[factorialsfandoms]

Writer ask game! 1, 9, 11, 49

ALSO, I saw your tags on Silver’s CPR fic and… are you in healthcare or were just dragged into a very bad situation and had to do compressions because most people don’t recognize you have to break someone’s rib cage to do proper CPR

Not healthcare! I don't work now, and doubt I could do CPR properly any more because my joint stability in my arms was trashed by genetics, but 10-ish years ago I had a summer job as a lifeguard. And got really, really unlucky with what shift I was on. Not sure what happened - and don't want to know - as it happened in a pool a colleague was watching, but after I cleared both pools we swapped so he could answer questions from the call operator.

(Am very thankful I've never had to use the training we did for babies because that's terrifying just on the dolls.)

Now your number questions!

1. What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work? (In other words, what do you think is the best introduction to your fics?)

All questions tricky, but after scrolling through my (Zelda, because I have too much) fic I'd probably pick Leviathan Legends? Its not the best, and I still need to finish anything else for the series, and is more representative of what my writing at least tries to me. I was a bit surprised by all the physical pain there, but then I'm 9 days into whumptober which has all been Zelda, and there's only 36 fics. So that's a quarter before I've even considered it ^^;

9. How do you find new fic to read?

First is subscription emails from ao3 or things people are reblogging/posting on tumblr to be found on my dash. Depending on if I'm actively looking (email) or it just happens (tumblr). After that, I tend to start looking from character tags (for LU, X-centric tags too). I have favourites whose tabs stay open on my phone, then sometimes I hop from those to another for the day's flavour. Then if there's a lot I haven't read I narrow it to completed fic and/or keywords/keytags like 'fluff' or 'angst with a happy ending'.

11. Are you partial to a certain character/pairing or are you more equal-opportunity? If you are partial to any character/pairing, why do you think that is?

Oh I'm definitely bias. I will play with whomever fits, but I'll tend towards whatever character I'm dangling from the toes. For Zelda stuff my tags currently go - Hyrule (24), Legend (12), Time (9), Sky (8), Warriors (8), non-LU Link (5), Wild (4), Twilight (3), Four (3), Great Fairies (2). Which really tells me I need to write some Wind fic. But then I'm mostly writing cruel things atm, so... I'd rather not angst the kid??? But I'll have a thing. Because he's a good boy and should have something! I... do have one idea for Wind PoV at least, but its for an incredibly au au I've been building. As for why I pick thing... Across fandoms I've tended to notice I drift towards characters with a lot of their details missing. Side characters with interesting tidbits never explored, ones whose lack of presence overshadows the narrative but are long dead... In other fandoms I also really love filling in blanks from canon? Missing scenes and stuff like that (less so Zelda, there's not /missing/ scenes in the same way as you get with film and books, even with LU), events you know happened but not how. Its a similar sort of thing. Hyrule's games give me a very neat framework with a lot of space to play in. Meanwhile Legend just has a very distinctive voice that's fun to dabble in sometimes. The others... Tend to get dragged into fics with one of them as convenient or needed, though Time, Sky, and Wars all have fics where they are the central character having emotions and doing things. As I had ideas. And I have some chaos for Four that's been slowly burning in my brain a long while. Pairing wise... Depends what works for what I'm writing. Even in fandoms where I ship I multiship. LU wise its Legend & Hyrule at the top, but that's as much an artefact of who I like writing most as anything. More you write people the more they show up together.

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

Theoretically I got my laptop out to today's whumptober prompt, but those get written on the day itself or not at all, and I haven't actually started yet. I have... A lot of WIPs, all of which get poked from time to time. But! Multiple times now has my brain be drawn to the fic summarised as "Princess Aurora's attempts to reconstruct the Legends of the Four Sword with only half-remembered folk stories of her youth and a scattering of pages found in the remains of the burnt-out royal library", so have a bit of that! This is from pretty late, but I tend to write the end of anything before the start.

But then, the Hero of Lightning pulled the ring from his hand. With the motion power cracked through the skies, lightning summoned to its hero's command. Preparing for more sorrow the Hero of Fire called out one last time; the Hero of Lightning's smirk became a softer smile as he looked upon his soul-brother, twisting the lightning to himself - and, more importantly, to the Hero of Darkness. For long had the Hero of Lightning been gathering magic into the ring, limiting the flow within himself in exchange for it passing undetected by the enemy's hands. And now he released it, not at the Demon Lord's back, but rather at the fifth hero, the Hero of Darkness. Realising what had occurred, the Demon Lord turned, throwing much of his power behind a single attack as he lunged at the Hero of Lightning. The smirk vanished into a scream as darkness tore through his chest, a single shot with every intent to kill. And yet, when he fell, there was yet a smile on the Hero of Lightning's bloodied lips; the Demon Lord was too late, and the deed already done.

#if someone gets stabbed between the ribs of a corset by broken weapons what do #ask and answer #i honestly remember very little of the actual happening #which is... probably for the best #fun fact - at the time I was trained if training for water rescue they taught you 5 breaths per cycle and everyone else 2 #also had cpr training when I was first aider for a LARP group which had all sorts of fun bonus questions #like #and quick ways to remove armour because you can't do CPR through plate mail #same goes for high corsets tbh #I can't imagine chest compressions working well through boning

[theeclecticwitchblog240]

Cleansing Tools & Spaces

Cleansing is the act of removing negative or unwanted energy from yourself, your space and the tools you use within your workings.

When should you do a cleanse?

A) when you get a new tool or alter item

😎 in a funk; having a bad day? Negative energy in your home may be the culprit; might be time for a cleanse

C) overcoming a cold or other illness? Along with the physical stress of fealing icky, the physical illness can often create its own negative energy that wll make matters feel way worse

D) going thru a breakup or the death of a loved one or pet? This is the perfect time for a cleanse to get rid of unwanted feelings and help you overcome your grief and process your pain of your loss in a more productive way.

E) going thru a major life transition? Whatever it may be, clearing out the old energy creates a new path for new energy to generate and manifest for you.

F) move into a new home? Doing a cleanse of the new home is very beneficial of clearing out the previous tenants energy and introducing your own into your new home.

Here are some common methods you can try out for yourself:

1) smudging or burning incense.

For ages, burning herbs has been a great way to do a cleanse to clear negative energy.

2) setting a new intention for your home.

Set a specific intention for your home. What do you wanna have your space help you release? How do you want your home to feel? Whatever you decide on make that be your intentions for your cleanse.

3) setting out crystals in strategic places within your home

Crystals are natural gifts from Mother Earth that carry natural vibrational properties. Use at least three crystals such as black tourmaline or Hematite to place around your home to clear our the unwanted and negative energy that may be lingering in your home.

4) making noise as you walk around your space or entire home

The sound of drums, gongs, bells, and even clapping your hands can break up negative energy around you or in your home.

For an at-home sound ritual, start at your front door and in a clock-wise direction, move through the perimeter of your home, all the while playing your chosen sound instrument or clapping your hands towards the walls until you've made a full loop.

5) using visualization techniques

Imagine a glowing golden light inside your heart space, as you breathe in deeply, expand that light until its outside of your body. Now spread that light into your living space and with the intention that all of the energetic congestion clears out.

So how do you cleanse, you ask??

1) pick the target of your cleanse. this could be an item, a single room within your home or the home in its entiretity, or yourself included.

2) choose your desired method you wish to use. listen to your intuition and of course choose a method that you feel you can easily do without any barriers; if your not musically inclined you may naturally shy away from using instruments...in this case go with what you are comfortable with. if weather permits, make sure you have your windows open at least partly so the energy has a way out.

3) focus on your intention while cleansing. Hold this intention clearly in your mind throughout the whole process. Staying focused and grounded during the cleanse is very important too.

4) after the cleanse, make sure you replace the expelled energy with new positive and uplifting energy. is prevents the negative energy from coming right back. Dont forget to close your windows.

Charging your tool & crystals

charging is the act of filling an object or space with a certain type of energy. Charging has also been known as empowering, programming, or enchanting. Think of charging as giving an object a purpose. The object has its own energy, however you can change or add it is energy. For example: an object like a pin has the energy of being a pin yes, but you can change or charge it to be a specific type of energy that can be used in your working, like changing it from being desiginated as a pin to now being a tool used for carving on candles or to be more creative when using them in sewing.

Some objects already have a specific purpose such as gemstones. When charging these objects, you are basically specifying exactly what you want them to do. A rose quartz crystal is often associated with love therefore you could assign rose quartz crystal a task of attracting new love both romantic and platonic, cultivating lust, building or expanding upon a family members relationship/bond, etc.

when to charge:

1) after doing a cleanse on your tools or items

2) when you start to notice an item or tool once very effective starts to feel dull, weak, or less effective

3) when you feel stagnant energy looming or lingering around

4) when younwantt an item or tool to have a specific intentonor purpose

common methods of charging

1) sun & moonlight

you can always rely on the moon & sun to not only cleanse but to also charge your magickal working items & tools. These two processes can be done simultaniously as well.

2) crystals that have been cleansed & charged can be used to charge other items as well

3) you can use the elements as well

4) you can use visualization techniques

picture your energy or intention flowing into your tool or item & filling it up with your own powerful energy.

5) use sound

just like i mentioned earlier in the cleansing how to, you can again use music or certain musical instruments to charge an item tool or space with energy.

so how do you charge??

its the same process as mentioned above in the cleansing.

1) pick the item, tool, or space you wnt to charge.

2) choose your method

3) focus your intention

4) listen to your intuition. you will know when an iten tool or space has been charged fully and ready to be used in your workings.

any questions, just ask.

blessed be!

[bananabread404]

When you're a teenager, you have a tendency, a desire, to ruin your life. Almost like a force inside you. You're supposed to mature by the end of your teenage years but for me, i feel like I've gotten smaller and smaller.

Every year, I read back the things I wrote a year ago and it's always so dramatic. I tell myself it wasn't that bad, that if my younger self could see how much worse my current problems are, she would realise that she had it easy back then.

But then these two years really hit me like a truck. Time feels like a construct because no matter how many months pass by, how many things change, I am stuck where I was left. Still stuck. Although I am under the pretence that I've forgotten, swayed with time and started fresh, nothing in me really has changed. I still feel the same - except now I feel physically older, which is inevitable. And dare I say, wiser. Not in a good way; I am wise but never for myself. I remember as a 15 year old naïve kid, I had a foul desire to feel pain. Of course, it wasn't anything masochistic. I wanted to experience the world - I wanted to experience emotions and feelings beyond friendship, and family. Beyond what a fifteen year old would have to worry about. I had friends that wrote poems in metaphorical terms that I could never figure out, or understand. Creative people, creative artists. I noticed they were all suffering. Only if I had known they were coping mechanisms , or expressions rather than 'gifts'. I'd trade anything to just, disappear. Although, I get along better with them now. I'm still silly, still stupid, still don't understand some of their poems, but it's better than before.

It's so hard to form thoughts and write these days. I don't know why but i haven't been able to write passionately lately. This is probably the first time in a few months. I get exhausted, or bored in the middle of it. It doesn't last long. Even as I'm typing this, I feel the enthusiasm sinking down. I could write about anything passionately in the beginning and then forget all about what I'm writing down in the middle of it and then end up forgetting a conclusion. And then form new thoughts and go along with it. It's pretty amusing I'm doing that right now too. But i feel like writing something is better than nothing.

So here I am. Writing to my best ability for now . I am stuck where I am left. Time feels unmoving. I still listen to Happiness by Rex Orange County like I did in 2020. It's still one of my favourite songs, there's comfort in the words, comfort in the memories. Memories do last forever, don't they? Time is only a concept when it comes to memories. It'll take you back to any time you've ever lived and cherished, just like it was yesterday. Except it makes you believe that it was better than it actually was. I guess that's why they say nostalgia is a little liar. I'd go back to it if i could, I'd have done so many things differently. I'm convinced things would be different now if i did. But that's life, right? You can break your neck looking back, but the only place you're headed is forwards. Doesn't it seem like we're puppets of the universe? Doesn't it seem like the sky turns a mockery out of your pain? It might seem like that but logically when you think about it, I don't think my tiny little life matters so much so to be messed with by a superior being, or whatever.

I'm a raging teenager, full of questions and doubts and so much pain, so much desire, so much feelings - it gets so heavy sometimes that I'd rather be an emotionless rock without consciousness. How am I supposed to know who I am, or what I'm to become if the origin of my existence itself is based on several conspiracy theories? There's a religious aspect of it, a philosophical aspect , a scientific aspect and honestly, I don't even want to know anymore. I'd rather just stay clueless and carefree. I want to be nothing.

[boomboxfic]

Joy - December Drabble 7/31

Pairing: Mike Logan/Ben Stone

Rated: T

Notes: Ben’s POV

Prompt list (@creativepromptsforwriting):  here

AO3 link to December Drabbles: here

Fresh from attending Mass at his local parish, Ben Stone-Logan hummed the happy tune as he let himself into his home. Mike, his husband, had run off right after Mass to run an errand, and Ben felt a deep sense of joy at the thought of finding love once more in his later years. Ben found peace in the years after leaving the District Attorney’s office in 1994, and never looked back. He eventually found himself teaching law, and found that an incredibly fruitful career, finally retiring a few years ago. Ben didn’t consider his life empty. He still had his close cadre of friends, his writing, his music, the church, Mike. 

 His immediate family was another thing entirely. 

Ben never considered himself a particularly great father while Pamela and Peter were young, and not the best husband either - outside of providing for his family and ensuring they were safe. That’s what he told himself after he got home late in the night to find out that, once again, he had missed important events - that his singular focus on taking down all the bad that Manhattan had to offer.Ben held on to the happier memories; throwing a baseball around with Peter when he was a young child, indulging Pam in whatever creative avenue she’d thrown herself into. But in the end, as the family fractured, so did their relationships - and Ben couldn’t shake the thought that it was his fault. 

 Pamela had struggled with mental illness since she was an adolescent, and when Ben left the EADA office, he and his ex-wife juggled her care until it was decided that Pam would be better off in a care facility. Ben hated that, but threw himself fully into vetting any and all possible facilities to make sure his daughter was well cared for. It was all he could do. He visited her as often as he could, but in recent years, he could only go once a week. 

 Peter was another story. It was a long, slow malaise into Peter’s resentment toward him, and Ben was equal parts surprised and proud as Peter followed the same career path as he did. Ben had made peace with most of his choices, learned to forgive himself, and picked up the pieces. He was wise enough to know that the damage caused would not be fixed overnight. Although he visited Pam as often as he could, he had not spoken to Peter in years, after a fateful argument, one that saw the pot boil over, resentment damaging any goodwill that may have existed. It was an argument that cleared the air, but unfortunately estranged the two of them. 

 Ben rubbed at his chest; he always felt a physical pain there when his memories drifted off to that conflict. He refused to wallow in it again; he’d been there too many times and the multiple empty bottles of alcohol could attest to that. In the meantime, Ben tried his best to reconnect, but with time, Ben just about accepted his relationship with his son was destined to be one-sided.  He never blamed Peter, he just  hoped that one day Peter would understand the burden he had during his EADA years. Maybe he could understand in time, especially working in the same field he did.  Mike tried his best to bridge the gap, but Peter was stubborn. 

 A few weeks ago, Paul Robinette had called him to let him know that he was retained by a Chicago police officer involved in a shooting. That his opposing counsel was Peter. Ben wished him well, but sent no message. Knowing Peter, he didn’t need his Pop bothering him; seeing Paul would be too much of a reminder. When Paul called back weeks later at the conclusion of the trial, he had mentioned that Peter didn’t fall too far from the tree. Ben could only chuckle. Paul wasn’t the first to notice. 

 The phone rang suddenly, and Ben briefly considered letting it go to voicemail. If it was Mike, he’d call back. 

 He picked it up and his heart nearly leapt with joy at the voice on the other line. 

 “Hey, Pop. It’s me."

 Peter. 

 Ben smiled gratefully, his heart soaring, beginning to do what he had thought nearly impossible after so long - hope. Breathing deeply, he felt the familiar rush of emotion, hope rising like a river into his soul. He'd prayed for at least one opportunity to hear from his son, and his prayers were answered. As Peter spoke, slowly finding the words, Ben knew that this would not be an easy discussion.  He only hoped that it was the beginning to something new, and something that lead to reconciliation. This was not an easy call for Peter to make, but Ben was grateful for it. The first conversations after estrangement rarely run a smooth course, but this was a promising start.

  He’d find his joy in that, and hopefully reconciliation. 

#boombox fic #stogan #ben stone/mike logan #december drabble 2022 #stogan december drabble 2022

[runveganwankerrun]

Mon 21st Dec '22

166.6lb - not too bad this morning. I feel like I've got back on an even keel again after gaining and going over 172lb. A couple of weeks of no processed sugary rubbish has really helped, not to mention running a bit more over the last fortnight. I'm very happy with that today.

From Healthy At Last by Eric Adams.

This puts my running in to perspective, though he's talking about going entirely plant based at whatever pace you need to, from trying meat free Monday, to going cold turkey (no pun intended) I can apply it to getting back my pace and fitness. If things aren't going as quickly as I'd like (they're not) then I need to remember that every run, even those I deem shit, make me stronger and every day of healthy eating makes me fitter. It all takes the time it takes. It's at my pace.

I've finished that book now and have moved back to Zen And The Art Of Running by Larry Shapiro. I keep picking it up and never finishing it. I'd like to give it a proper go. I like the idea of what it offers, which is to teach a way to introduce a state of mindfullness to running. He talks about being able to be aware that when the running gets uncomfortable, you can just accept that, know it hurts, but sort of divorce yourself from the emotions that the physical pain can cause. Stop seeing it as unpleasant and just run with it. Pun absolutely intended.

Back to work after my week off. Grrr! Why aren't I rich? This Monday morning business is no fun. It's a pretty shitty day, weather wise, cold with heavy rain, but I woke up quite enthused about my running in general and going to club tonight specifically. I'm looking forward to it.

This week my sessions from Coach are

1. 5km easy peasy.

2. 200s Club Session (use these as FAST intervals)

3. 4 miles easy.

4. 3 mile hilly Run. Attack the hills, take the rest easy.

5. Steady 10km (this one can start to feel a little uncomfortable, he says. Eek!)

I intend to go to club tonight and just run around without the intervals. I should be able to do an easy paced 5k. That will be session one ticked off the list. That's the plan.

A new idea occurred for my porridge bars. I added blueberries! Oh, I'm such a maverick! 🤣 Obviously not. Blueberry and banana is a classic combo. It worked really well. The blueberries didn't add any sweetness per se, they had a tart sort of sweetness, if you know what I mean. Lovely! There are improvements to be made, but this was a lovely breakfast.

#running #reading #marathon #coaching

[monk-of-mystery]

Tonight I finished a book on chronic pain that I've been told has helped some friends immensely and thus has been on my shelf for the better part of a year.

The tldr is "neuroplasticity means a brain that can form bad pathways that produce pain for no reason, and fear & stress reinforces that the pain is a threat". Still hesitant to believe the science behind it, because the book really didn't go into it much, but it did get me thinking.

I *do* feel fear of my pain.

When I feel a twinge of pain or what even could turn into pain, I have a moment of internal panic about if it's going to turn debilitating; how do I mitigate it; is it from doing something I shouldn't?; what posture should I be using to help it?

I feel fear of my pain even when I'm *not* in pain; I'll find myself drawn to my posture and think "oh shit, is this bad posture? Is this going to result in pain?"

And of course I'm afraid of it never going away. None of my other diagnoses seem to be – depression, anxiety, cPTSD, Chronic Fatigue – some have lessened significantly, but only after I determined their "source". I still haven't found that for the pain.

What really got me thinking is not the book itself but my mind while reading it. I got mad and defensive at the notion that the fix is to simply stop fearing the pain. To try to destress my life (whatever that looks like) and, hey presto, the pain will go away.

Doubting the scientific legitimacy behind the research is reasonable. Getting defensive? That's not wise brain. Ironically, it's a sense of fear.

That itself is mildly interesting but what I find most crucial is that it's *very* similar to how I react when I _know_ I'm too stressed. When I just refuse to slow down; it's not even really a verbal line of reasoning, it's simply this urgency that I have to keep moving; that there's a limited amount of time and/or resources I have to do.......something.

I've come to understand that this is counterproductive – probably obvious to others but not when it's _your_ threat response that refuses to shut down. It's these moments that if I can actually get myself to slow down, I notice just how much it was disabling me from doing the very thing I was trying to do. It feels a bit like the CPU of a computer: the more it runs, the hotter it gets, and the hotter it gets, the less efficient it is (in physics terms, higher heat = more electrons bouncing around = higher resistance = less current; there's a bit more to it, but that's the gist). After a point it's performing dramatically less optimally at 99% utilization as it would at 70% utilization because the damn thing can't dissipate heat fast enough. If it detects itself getting too hot, the system will immediately shut itself down (i.e. crash). If that detection doesn't work, permanent damage can occur.

The point is, it's not helpful, it's harmful. It's *incredibly* hard for me to get myself to slow down, and in a way that I don't know if most people can empathize with or understand. When I was first working to get over my CFS (vis a vis addressing cPTSD), I used an analogy with my therapist: if my brain thinks it sees tiger in the room that's ready to pounce on me, you can tell me that it's not real, and I can accept that and even agree that it's a ridiculous notion that there would be; it's not going to matter much because my nervous system still sees a fucking tiger in the room.

Ultimately addressing cPTSD for me was summed up as learning to effectively understand my body and communicate to it that, no, there is no tiger, I promise, and here's reasons why. It took a lot of practice and a lot of time.

The fact is that I'm still not great at it for long term stressors. On the whole I've been able to mindfully train myself to, in the moment, recognize disproportionate threat responses and use techniques I've learned to reassure my body to calm down. But this refusal of my nervous system to slow down I spoke above, that's not from a stressor happening. It's every day after work, even if I'd describe work as going well. The stressor is a bunch of very small stressors building up over time; the stressor is existence.

Bringing this back to the book, that feeling of defensiveness at the notion of "stop fearful thoughts" – that's identical to the feeling that I have against *myself* when I refuse to slow down. "You don't get it," the voice says. "I _can't_ slow down. If I slow down, I'm going to die [or the equivalent to the domesticated modern man]."

Is this feeling a flag that maybe the book *is* on the right track? Is my brain's automatic refusal to accept the premise a sign pointing to just how ingrained this "fear" of pain is, and accepting it as necessary has become nearly dogma for me? It's certainly possible.

An alternative explanation is that I *do* feel like I'm trying to approach my pain with mindfulness – every single day. What the book calls "avoidant behaviors", to me, have been me trying to listen to my body. My motivation for stretching, for shifting positions, for using CBD – all of those I've done in ways of trying to *help* my body. Or so I thought.

Granted, the book explicitly states that avoiding pain is not a bad thing. It's just not addressing the issue; it's not actually healing. And it does say that it is better than trying to push through the pain and is *the* route to go when the pain is too intense to be present with it. But the thought (or feeling, rather) of what I thought of as "mindfulness" as really being "avoidance"....it invokes a lot of strong emotions, and none of them are pleasant or constructive. The end result is revulsion. (Curiously, I wonder if my brain reads that word "avoidance" as "cowardice", despite the fact that it is a standard phrase used in psychology to merely describe behavior.)

Ultimately, learning that I'm afraid of my pain was not revolutionary to me. Before this book, I wouldn't have stated it outright, but if you asked me if I had fear of my pain, given a few minutes (or perhaps seconds) of thought, I would respond with a resounding yes.

What *is* the biggest takeaway for me is just how strong the fear of fucking up my recovery is. It's something I've been aware of for a long time – really ever since I started therapy 10 years ago. Am I doing the right treatment? Am I just wasting time, chasing phantoms of faux solutions? All of the things I believe have helped so much so far....what if learn they've done nothing at all? What if they're all bunk? (Oh, what an echo back to my youth, only instead of "therapy", it was "fluffy feel-good delusional religious literature in place of genuine reality-based psychology".)

Maybe that fear isn't passive like I've treated it this far. Maybe it _is_ actively hindering my recovery. Maybe it's as big a problem as, say, my brain's intense preference to ignore problems hoping they go away – another fear- (and ultimately shame-) based disfunction that I identified years ago and sought to directly address. Maybe this is like that.

Maybe I need to accept that yeah, I've been treating the malady wrong. Maybe I've been doing mindfulness "wrong".

If so, it's entirely hubris standing in my way. As if I profess to be a mindfulness guru. As if I don't *know* I can learn more about it. As if I'm not _ecstatic_ at the idea of growing in my knowledge and practice of it. As if learning doesn't sometimes mean doing things wrong until you learn to do them right.

Okay, "hubris" is a very abstract way of thinking about it, because ultimately it's the threat response. It's the sympathetic nervous system. It's fear.

So maybe the book is onto something, even if I wasn't super psyched at its presentation. Maybe the solution really is as simple as slowing down enough to say "I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe" over and over again.

Or maybe it's even slightly more complex. Maybe it _is_ a structural issue like I think it is now – my muscles constantly tensing leading to pain – but maybe that tensing is itself neuroplastic. Maybe focusing on the muscles or the nerves that connect to them has been the wrong way to go; maybe it's the state of the entire brain. Maybe I need a holistic approach to my neurology.

Maybe not. Maybe it is indeed stress related but simply feeling "safe" is not the solution, or not enough. I think I might be willing to try, though, if only to better understand why my brain is so hesitant, so fearful, of the idea of slowing down. Clearly there's something going on there and, regardless as to if it solves the issue, I think it would be beneficial to understand.

#chronic pain #inside my mind

[robininthelabyrinth]

I'm pretty sure this is prompt four. Jiang Cheng/Qin Su - Jin Rusong as heir to Lotus Pier

ao3

Jiang Cheng heard the news in pieces, scraps of wild rumor and gossip repeated a hundred times over, but he still refused to believe it until he actually saw the official announcement.

Jin Guangyao had divorced his wife and sent her back to her father’s house, along with their son.

“Is he insane?” Jiang Cheng asked his second in command, who only shrugged helplessly. “Putting aside the fact that I’m certain that he loves her madly, putting everything else aside, Sect Leader Qin is influential and powerful, and a strong supporter of his father – no matter what happened between them, surely someone as pleasant and compromising as Jin Guangyao could find a way to work it out?”

Jiang Cheng had only met Qin Su a few times, always at Jin Guangyao’s side. He’d heard about how she’d fallen for the dashing young man that turned out to be Jin Guangyao and sworn to marry him, no matter the obstacles; he’d heard how they’d managed to overcome every storm, fight the wind and rain, and eventually made it to their marriage bed.

They’d even had a son together, little Jin Rusong; he was Jin Ling’s best playmate.

And Jin Guangyao was kicking him out? Kicking her out?

Absurd!

Who did he think he was?

And yet, contrary to Jiang Cheng’s expectations, Sect Leader Qin did not immediately explode, or, rather, within a few days, he did, but not in the way anyone had expected. Everyone had joked that he would find Jin Guangyao and strangle him, and he really did physically attack someone – but not Jin Guangyao.

He attacked Jin Guangshan instead.

It was as if he’d gone mad, red-eyed like Nie Mingjue in the throes of his qi deviation; he’d charged at Jin Guangshan, his old friend of thirty years or more, right in the middle of Jinlin Tower, and swiped at him viciously with his sword, cutting a gash in his chest as the surprised Jin sect leader darted back too slowly to wholly dodge.

What could be done? The Lanling Jin sect guards could not stand silently by with such provocation – they counter-attacked at once, and Sect Leader Qin did not survive. A little later, and it was discovered that he had never intended on it: his sword was laced with poison.

Sect Leader Qin died, but he took Jin Guangshan down with him the underworld.

The rumor mill exploded.

Everyone was talking about Sect Leader Qin’s motivations – the suspicious timing of the divorce – Jin Guangyao’s now inevitable ascension to the seat of Sect Leader Jin –

Only Jiang Cheng thought about Qin Su, who should have been ascending right beside him. It had been her father that had died, after all.

Laoling Qin was far enough away from Lanling Jin that they were still mostly independent, and they were close enough to the Qinghe Nie that Jiang Cheng could pretend that he’d only made a short detour on a visit directed towards Nie Huaisang, that notorious purveyor of gossip; luckily enough, Nie Huaisang remembered their old friendship and was more than happy to help cover his tracks.

When Jiang Cheng arrived, the house was already decked out in mourning. Qin Su greeted him, eyes red and swollen from tears.

“I’m sorry,” Jiang Cheng said awkwardly, then flinched when he realized he probably should have said something in greeting first – they really didn’t know each other well enough to skip over all that.

Nevertheless, Qin Su nodded, forgiving him the slip-up before he could even retract it. She was gracious and gentle, kind and quiet, economical and thoughtful – a consummate hostess. The wife of Jin Guangyao could not afford to be anything less.

Former wife.

Jiang Cheng’s gaze danced around the room, searching for something to say, and then abruptly he noticed – “There are two deaths in your household?”

“My mother took her own life,” Qin Su said, her voice dull. She tried to suppress it, but tears gathered in her eyes again. “Shortly before…”

Whatever it was that Jin Guangshan had done that had driven Sect Leader Qin mad, it had involved his wife, Jiang Cheng thought, and then abruptly he turned pale as he put two and two together. He’d never doubted that Jin Guangyao had adored Qin Su, so why would he divorce her?

Unless…

Jin Guangshan had a reputation.

Qin Su laughed a little, a bitter sound. “Everyone will know, soon enough,” she said wisely, seeing that Jiang Cheng had figured it out. “I don’t blame my former husband at all; he acted as he ought to in every respect. It’s only my poor A-Song…I can’t imagine what his life will be like from now on.”

Jiang Cheng looked helplessly at her. To lose not only your parents, one right after the other, but your husband, your reputation, and next even your son…

“Marry me,” he said suddenly, and Qin Su stared at him. “If Sect Leader Jin’s assault were recent rather than ancient, it would have provoked the same result. The only reason anyone might suspect the truth is because of the timing of your divorce – if there’s a reason given for that, people won’t think twice about it.”

His words had come out all in a rush, smashing together like stones tossed around by a waterfall; he hadn’t thought of the idea until right this moment.

“Are you suggesting I admit to adultery?” she asked. Her eyes were as round as the full moon.

Jiang Cheng shrugged, a little helpless. “Your reputation is gone,” he pointed out, wishing he knew how to be kind or tactful. “Adultery or incest – it’s the same either way for you. But for A-Song…”

To be the son of an adulterous woman was disgraceful, but such things happened and people generally looked the other way, as long as the real father was powerful enough.

It was better than being a child of incest.

“But what of your reputation?” she asked. “Sect Leader Jiang, you can’t. I won’t let you injure yourself for my sake.”

“Not for you,” he said, though maybe it was, just a little bit. The loss of your parents, the loss of your whole life, everything you’d ever believed – who could understand that better than him? “For A-Song. He’s Jin Ling’s best friend.”

Qin Su had always been kind to Jin Ling, he thought. She didn’t need to be, could just tolerate him the way most people in Jinlin Tower did, but she really seemed to like him…

It occurred to him suddenly that Qin Su met all of his requirements for a bride: a beauty from a good family, obedient, economical, with a mild personality who wasn’t too loud and wasn’t too talkative, who was good to Jin Ling…

“How’s your cultivation?” he asked abruptly. “Do you know how to cook?”

“Mediocre,” she said, blinking at him. “And I’m better at baking, I think. I like making sweets.”

“Good,” Jiang Cheng said, relieved. “That’s – good. I’m glad. Will you marry me?”

Qin Su bit her lip. “Let me think about it?”

Thoughtful, he added to the list. Cautious, not reckless.

“Take all the time you need,” he said.

She came back to him two shichen later. “What happens to A-Song?” she asked.

“I’ll adopt him as my own,” Jiang Cheng said. “Or he can keep the surname Jin, if you prefer. And if Lianfeng-zun agrees, which I think he will – it’s his birthright, after all.” Too many times over. “Jin Ling lives with me sometimes; they can grow up as cousins, the way they should.”

Qin Su nodded, lips trembling a little. “You won’t regret this?”

“I might,” Jiang Cheng admitted. “But I’m probably not going to marry anyone else, and I’m willing. Are you?”

“I am,” she said, and smiled at him. Her eyes were still red, and the smile shaky, but it was something. “Thank you. I…no, never mind.”

“If we’re going to be married, you’re going to need to learn to ask things of me,” he reminded her.

Qin Su wiped her eyes. “Yes, but there’s asking reasonable things, and then there’s asking to alert my former husband before we announce our engagement.”

“Oh, no, that’s a great idea,” Jiang Cheng said, immediately relieved. “If there’s one thing Lianfeng-zun knows, it’s how to manage an announcement of that sort of magnitude. We should definitely tell him.”

Qin Su’s smile this time was stronger.

Nie Huaisang pulled a few strings and got Jin Guangyao to come over to the Unclean Realm, and when he walked in and saw Qin Su, he flinched. Jiang Cheng could see on his face that he still loved her, and he felt bad for him – not enough to stop, but still.

“I see,” Jin Guangyao said, hearing the plan. His expression was surprisingly neutral – thoughtful, but not as upset as Jiang Cheng would have expected. “It’s not a bad idea. And you don’t even need to admit to adultery, either.”

“We don’t?” Jiang Cheng asked, surprised.

“We can say that my marriage with A-Su broke down after my father’s actions - painting them as recent, rather than ancient,” Jin Guangyao explained. “I didn’t feel I could oppose him, she had no choice but to do so – it was an irrevocable breach. You came to comfort her, having met her during your visits with Jin Ling, and her sect is in need of support…you can say it developed naturally from there. It might not work to quell the rumors, of course, but it would at least provide a way to save face in public…Leave it to me.”

“Thank you, A-Yao,” Qin Su said quietly, and he smiled at her, pained.

“Just be happy,” he said to her, then looked at Jiang Cheng. “Treat her well.”

“I will,” Jiang Cheng promised, and took her by the hand. “I swear.”

-

It was a few years later. Nie Huaisang sat beside Jiang Cheng.

“I think he killed my brother,” he said, playing with his fan. “I’m going to destroy him.”

Jiang Cheng stared at the newest memorial tablet in the Lotus Pier, his hands clenched into fists with knuckles turned white.

“Good,” he said, voice savage. “I’ll help.”

#mdzs #jiang cheng #qin su #jin guangyao #nie huaisang #my fic #my fics #I'm sorry

[hyunjilicious]

I just read what is and what should never be and it was PHENOMENAL! I love everything you write anyway so I was wondering if you could do a small one where Bucky is alone and depressed and he calls yn because he feels lost and she is just there for him? No worries if you can't! I love you anyway 💕

Omg!! You’re too sweet! I really wanted to do this one justice, but I suck at angst... I love you too!! and I’m sorry if this sucks!

Summary: after the events of Endgame, you and Bucky part ways. Even though you haven’t spoken in months, when he needs you, you’re there ANGST 2.2k

Warnings: overall angsty vibes. Sad Bucky. Idk depictions of depression I guess? shitty writing!

“You came” Bucky's surprised tone pulled you out of your thoughts.

Before saying anything else, you shook your head in disbelief. From certain points of view, he looked exactly the same as when you last saw him months ago, but if you looked past his rugged exterior, it was very easy to tell something was truly eating away at his heart.

“Of course I came” you frowned, “You called me”

“Thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore” Bucky mumbled.

You looked him up and down, thoroughly confused by his statement, but decided to keep the tone of the conversation from going too dark too fast. “Shut up, Barnes” you scoffed, “Don’t even joke about that.” A hint of a smile appeared at the corner of his lips, but it was forced, you could easily tell he wasn’t truly being himself. “What’s up?”

Bucky took a deep breath as if gathering the courage to word his thoughts. When his eyes met yours he flinched, the pain clouding his otherwise bright blue eyes. He started with a long sigh and a shake of his head but then, cringed as he finally spoke up. “I need help”

His confession went directly to the pit of your stomach. “What happened? Whatever it is, you got it, but what-”

“Nothing happened” Bucky stopped you, “I need help”

“I don’t understand”

“I need someone to-” he sighed, closing his eyes as his head fell forward in what could only be described as shame, “I need someone to talk to” and it was funny, considering he just walked out of his psychiatrist’s office. “Someone that’s not paid to listen to me” he added, “Someone who understands”

It was moments like these that you truly wished Steve was still here. Or Nat. Your best friends, yes, but they were the glue that held you all together, and now in their absence, you were all threatening to fall apart. 

But of course you’d be there for Bucky. Whatever he needed you were more than eager to provide, but at the same time, you were fully aware that your capabilities were limited. You didn’t lack the understanding or the experience, but you lacked the words. You had the sympathy, but not the advice he needed. But you were there. Like you have always been and always will be, so, that afternoon you ended up on his living room floor.

Surrounded by empty bottles of alcohol that had no effect on either of you whatsoever, you sat and listened to him rant his heart out until his throat couldn’t take it anymore. And then he broke down - completely. A full on mess, tears staining his cheeks as the temperature dropped in the room with every other pained groan he’d release. But he let it all out and the weight he had been carrying on his shoulder was unimaginable. There were too many things eating away at his heart, but the guilt was what kept him under its spell, what kept him up for the last months, what was physically destroying him.

“Y/n... “ he called for you, face hidden in his hands as he spoke, “I know you’re gonna say no, but-”

“No,” you stopped him, “Then don’t ask me”

“Please”

“No, Bucky” you sighed, grabbing his wrist so you could look him in the eyes, “If you already know it’s a bad idea, please don’t tell me because I’m afraid I’ll actually go through with it right now”

“But i can’t fucking sleep!” he cried out loud, falling back against the couch, arms propped up on his knees, “I keep having the same nightmares over and over again, and I can’t take it anymore”

“You don’t-” you took a deep breath, “You don’t want me to erase your mind, do you?”

The look in his eyes proved that that was exactly what he wanted. And the unshed tears that coated the otherwise pure and radiant blue of his eyes was almost enough to convince you.

“Please-” he begged, “I-”

“No, Buck” you shook your head and shuffled to face him properly, “As time passes, it’s only gonna get worse. The past will eventually catch up to you. You’ll want to know what you did”

He didn’t have it in him to fight you, so silence settled for a while. “You know sedatives don’t work on me?”

“I… never thought about it, but that makes sense”

Bucky gathered his lips into a tight line and nodded his head.

“Lady shrink isn’t of any help?” you asked.

“I have no clue what she’s doing” he shrugged, “Maybe it’s good in the long run, but fuck if I know how she expects me to make any kind of progress right now”

“You are, tho” you reassured him, “Making progress I mean”

“Am I?” Bucky laughed incredulously.

“Yes! You’re almost completely on your own feet. You really pushed through”

“Or maybe I’m just ignoring all of my problems”

“You just told me about them” you chuckled, and threw an arm over his shoulders.

Hesitatingly at first, he eventually leaned in into your hold, allowing himself to completely fall against your chest. “I hate this”

“I think that’s a given” you laughed, curling your fingers around the roots of his way too short hair. “A wise man once said that whenever someone acts like they have their shit together, they’re either lying or delusional”

“Who said that?”

“I don’t know” you confessed, “I saw that on the internet”

For the first time that night, you actually heard him laugh, and it sounded so good - it was short and weak, but it was sweet and honest. “That’s a pathetic attempt at cheering me up, but I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it” Bucky said as he pushed himself up.

“I wish I could do more” you mumbled, “But I don’t know what, or how, but-”

“Thank you”

“You don’t have to thank me, you know that” you smiled.

He didn’t know that. He’d never stop thanking you for even the smallest gestures. The day where Bucky would understand that kindness, in some cases, is a given, was far away, but you had the patience and determination to work for it.

As you talked and talked, and the topic of conversation kept shifting from one area to the other, the sun set, night settling outside his small windows. It was time for you to leave, and you would’ve done it, had he asked you not to at the last second.

You had your shoes on and one hand on the door handle, when he stumbled over his words, obviously too shy to properly hold his ground. “Actually can you- can you-” he mumbled, pointing to his couch, “Can you stay here tonight?”

And of course you did. The night didn’t last much longer after that, with Bucky settling on the floor, only a blanket to keep him company, and you sprawled out on the couch as silence settled.

But your mind was too busy to drift off. You knew his’ was too, but decided to refrain from speaking up, hoping to let him fall asleep, even for a short while.

It was loud inside your head. You always promised yourself you’d never intrude on someone’s thoughts and read through them without their approval, but you physically felt Bucky radiate energy, and your mind just slipped. But then, your heart almost stopped.

You saw yourself. You saw yourself slapping him back in Wakanda when he decided to go under ice again, you saw yourself moving a car out of his way back in Bucharest, when you risked your life for his because you trusted Steve that much, and because you were that good of a friend. You saw yourself at Tony’s funeral, eyes shiny with tears and then felt an almost uncontrollable urge to hug yourself - and then realised it wasn’t your urge, it was Bucky’s. At this point, your heart beat so fast you were actually afraid he’d hear it. But when goosebumps appeared all over your skin, you realised he couldn’t hear you, that he was asleep and that the nightmares started materializing. 

What convinced you to act on it was the sudden jerk of his body and the way to fully tensed instantly after. So, unable to just sit and watch, you rolled over to the side and allowed your hand to fall by his temple, little specks of light rolling off the tips of your fingers as you forced the thoughts away. Seconds later, you saw him relax and shift around, gathering the blanket he laid on to his chest as he drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

His relaxed form and the steady pace of his breathing put a smile on your face. But you made the mistake of thinking this was a one time thing, however, before you realised, you found yourself leaning over him again, ushering yet another wave of nightmares away. And it kept being an ongoing process until the sun rose, and you cursed yourself as you did not get one second of shut eye. But it was worth it. The sight of him finally resting, knowing he spent his night in his happy place that you this time did not intrude on, made up for your tiredness. 

When Bucky drifted out of his deep sleep, you figured it was safe to relax too. But knowing that if you went to sleep right now you wouldn’t wake up until noon, you stood up, determined to give him the full best friend experience.

But all you found in his kitchen was a box of stale cereal, a soft cucumber and candy wrappers. Had he not looked so adorable sleeping shirtless and curled into a ball on the floor, you would have woken him up yelling. But instead, you decided to order some food, and the simple fact that the sound of the delivery guy ringing the doorbell didn’t wake him up, actually terrified you. With a life like yours, no one sleeps that deeply, but then there he was, snoring away the late hours of the morning. 

By the time he finally stirred awake, the food was already cold, and you were bored out of your mind. “What- what time is it?” he mumbled, voice rich with sleep.

“A little bit past 2” you yawned from your spot on the couch.

“2 pm?” Bucky huffed, sitting up in a hurry and rushing to grab his phone. “What the-” he turned to you confused, “It’s 2pm…”

“Yeah” you sighed, “And the food is cold”

“Food?” Bucky gawked, looking over at the small table by the window, “You got food?”

“You didn’t have any” you defended yourself. You wanted to scold him for not taking better care of himself, but he looked so homey and cozy and vulnerable, that you couldn’t bring yourself to.

Eventually, you stood up and walked over to him. “I’ll let you eat, Buck, but I gotta go” you sighed, giving him a hug, “Got some stuff to do” you lied, by stuff meaning sleep, since you were exhausted.

“Yeah, of course” he mumbled in agreement, wrapping his arms around your frame, and bringing you closer. He sank his head into the crook of your neck, holding you to his chest for a moment longer than you would have considered friendly. But you didn’t complain, his hold was stern and loving, and you really needed that right now. “Thank you” Bucky added when he finally let you go. His right palm cupped your cheek as he looked down at you, awe and admiration in his eyes.

“Nothing to thank me for, Buck” you smiled, and then pulled away.

He silently watched you get ready to leave, following you around until you reached the door and turned around to say goodbye. And it was weird. Your heart boomed against your ribcage, and you didn’t have to read his thoughts to know he was feeling the same kind of nervous. And it may have been the one too many stories you read but you actually feared something was going to happen. Thankfully, it didn’t. Instead you shared another hug, and parted ways.

However, all you managed to do was reach the staircase before you heard his door open, followed by the sound of his bare feet sprinting down the hallway. “What are you-”

“Can you stay?” he asked, shaking from head to toe, “In New York I mean, can you please stay? Just a few more days”

“Well, I- yeah, I guess I can” you mumbled.

“I just, I need a few more days. You’re screwing my head back on, I just need you now. Steve is gone, and Sam is all the way in Louisiana and I hate phones and I-”

“Wow-” you laughed, “I’m not even the second choice, I’m the third?”

“Shut up, Y/n” Bucky frowned, “Stop being a smartass for a second”

“I’m sorry” you rolled your eyes, but he didn’t care.

In the blink of an eye, Bucky threw his arms around your shoulders and hugged you close, and you weren’t sure if the ‘I love you’ that echoed inside your mind had actually been spoken or just thought, but it was everything you never knew you needed.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes angst #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan imagine