#i literally can never trust anyone ever again i am never trusting anybody with my fucking heart again EVER i can’t do it anymore

[elliesbelle]

NOW I HEAR YOUR VOICE EVERYTIME THAT I THINK I’M NOT ENOUGH

#but literally like #that’s exactly what happens now #AND I FANTASIZE ABOUT A TIME YOU’RE A LITTLE FUCKING SORRY #LIKE???? is there NO guilt?!?! i have to live with the grief and you get to be fucking happy #‘i deserved to move on’ ‘you think it was easy to move on’ IDGAF you still moved on?????? #YOU ONCE CALLED ME FOREVER NOW YOU STILL CAN’T CALL ME BACK #the FUCK happened to loving me always????????? through thick and thin???? i never stopped fucking loving you despite what i was going thru!! #all i feel now is fucking shame and disgust for myself because didn’t i fucking say?????? didn’t i fucking say you were gonna leave me again #and you swore you never would again!! then wtf happened!!! #you couldn’t handle my trust issues with you and i just know you hated me for not getting over them #i literally can never trust anyone ever again i am never trusting anybody with my fucking heart again EVER i can’t do it anymore #AND I JUST CANT IMAGINE HOW YOU COULD BE SO OKAY NOW THAT IM GONE #literally you’re fucking okay and in fucking LOVE with SOMEONE ELSE i am literally fucking NOTHING to you anymore #you always have and will ALWAYS find love in and with someone else and i never will again #the possibility of being with someone again literally disgusts me i am not doing it ever again #‘you’ll find someone else eventually’ i am NOT like YOU who always finds someone else i literally have NEVER found anyone else since you #i am literally and have never been enough and you don’t care #v #belle speaks

[rillils]

do you ever think abt how we couldve seen more of nomad steve

NOMAD STEVE MY BELOVED

ohhh we were robbed, honey, in so many ways! imagine what we could have had!

- more footage of this man, luscious lovechild of hercules and adonis, most glorious chunk of deliciousness, sexy teddy bear man, the mane of a lion and the eyes of a puppy, mr Dirtied Up Good™, holy shield straps of sex, elected man with the sluttiest forearms of 2018 through 2024

- more of this Steve, who ain't playing dancing monkey for anyone anymore, who ain't asking for permission and/or forgiveness from anybody, who isn't taking anybody's shit, he just wants to fight for what he feels is right and he's not going to apologize for that, thank you very much

- his developing friendship with both Sam and Nat! them fighting like a unit! trusting each other, leaning on each other! learning more about each other! actually getting to know Steve, and his fun side, and his darker side, and his brooding side, and his silly side, and nagging him when they know he needs help but he's just too damn stubborn to ask for it

- FOUND FAMILY FOUND FAMILY FOUND FAMILY

- the three of them trying to comfort each other, each in their own (sometimes clumsy/awkward) way when a mission goes wrong, learning random words from random languages from one another (especially swear words they might have picked up in their respective times abroad lol), watching old sitcoms in their downtime, laughing together, hell even crying together, sharing too little space for too long, complaining about each other's unwashed socks, and still falling asleep on top of each other

- the few times Sam got to call his parents from a safe location. can you imagine Steve talking on the phone with Mrs Wilson? scared at first that she'll tear him a new one for putting her son in so much danger and dragging him away from home? but her knowing all too well that nobody's ever been able to make Sam do something he didn't want to do, that this was his own decision? and she's not actually mad at Steve, she just wants to make sure that "all of you kids are alright"? can you imagine Steve holding back tears the first time he hears a mother's voice talking to him, reminding him to be careful, to stay safe, after so long without it? do you think I'm crying???? I AM

- THE SKYPE CALLS WITH BUCKY

- actually EVERY SINGLE KIND OF INTERACTION WITH BUCKY, even when he's not there. Steve gazing longingly at a picture of Bucky, either physical or digital, that he makes sure to keep on him at all times. taking it out when he's lying awake at night, and everything's quiet except for Sam's snoring and the muffled sounds from the streets, and Steve thinks he saw Nat's eyes watching him in the dimness, but neither of them are going to say anything. he's just sitting in the dark, picture in hand, twirling some secret worry around in his head and missing Bucky so much it hurts. and those times (although he tries to keep these to a minimum) when he just can't help himself: he sneaks out of the room and calls Bucky, just to hear his voice. to listen to Bucky speak softly to him, his voice a little rough from sleep, but always so warm, so sweet for him. and Steve just leans his head back against the wall, and closes his eyes, and imagines he's curled up into Bucky's side, his head resting on Bucky's shoulder, with Bucky's fingers carding through his hair, and it's only then that he finds a little peace again

- all the videocalls with Bucky! the playful banter!! them arguing like an old married couple one moment, and exchanging the most besotted looks the next! Nat and Sam having to put up with all of their old-men-in-love shenanigans, and Steve never hearing the end of it lol

- Steve!! literally bounding out of the quinjet like an excited puppy when they visit his husband Bucky in Wakanda!!! overjoyed and not even bothering to hide it anymore after like the second or third time, 'cause everybody knows by now anyway!!

- all of them actually getting to rest for a while, and Steve enjoying his impromptu honeymoon with Bucky, savoring each day like it's both the first and the last of their life together, love sparkling in his eyes, happier than he's ever been before, finally free, ironically, now that he's an outlaw and a fugitive, and finding utmost delight in that knowledge

WE WERE ROBBED BLIND, HONEY

#stucky just stucky #steve rogers #stucky #nomad steve my bebe #I'M SO BITTER ABOUT THIS BUT WHAT ELESE IS NEW #🎵 WE COULD HAVE HAD IT AAAAAAALL #*sobbing intensifies*

[ceasarslegion]

The DNI that made you do math to use it?? 👀👀👀

Youre the first one who asked, so you get the answer.

This person was one of the other two weirdos from the Half Life RP discord server i teased at in this post earlier this week:

Once again, i want to disclaimer that this is not a callout post, I will not be giving any details that could be used to identify this person, and I will not be posting screenshots this time because they are still active on tumblr afaik. I dont want this to be used to bully anybody, this is just meant to be my personal experience with my specific side of this story. You can DM me directly or throw in a private answer request in an ask if you want screenshots, but only people i already know and trust not to cyberbully them will get a direct link to the DNI. The person in the story I linked is no longer active anywhere online, which is why I provided screenshots in that story.

And before i lay out the DNI details, I just want to say... there is a FINE LINE between requesting accommodations for a mental illness and infantilizing yourself. I can handle the former just fine, I will do all I can to help, but if you're a grown-ass adult babying yourself and then going "waa im autistic i cant do anything" i have ZERO tolerance for that. Buddy, I'm autistic, and I'm telling you to grow the fuck up.

Yeah, this person was one of those. They were over 18, and had public breakdowns about how everything was just soooo hard for them and everybody else was being problematic and ableist for *checks notes* asking them to wait in a line that was a little long for a new phone plan. Real example, they were screaming and crying in the vent channel because the line at a verizon store was a little long, and implying their father was ableist for asking them to wait for 20 minutes. Buddy, there are some things you JUST need to deal with in the real world regardless of whatever mental soup you have going on. If your autism is that bad, the solution is looking into things like noise canceling headphones, sunglasses, etc. But the world will not stop having lines that you just need to wait in sometimes because you dont like them.

I know that sounds harsh, but they werent exactly the type of person im willing to give the benefit of the doubt to. The majority of their problems were entirely their own fault, and they were clearly enabling and feeding the harder parts of their autism rather than doing anything in the way of learning to cope with it. I am terrified of spiders, like full on panic-inducing terrified of them, but I throw hands at them instead of running or freezing up. One time, I posted a photo of this gigantic-ass spider that was in my dorm room after I screamed and squashed it with my heavy duty winter outdoor patrol boots (im a security guard, not a cop, before anyone draws the wrong conclusion from that), and they proceeded to vague about me IN THE SAME SERVER about how problematic and insensitive i am for triggering their arachnophobia. My brother in christ when did you ever say you were triggered by spiders? Do you expect me to read your fucking mind?

Another instance was when they asked for the role to access the nsfw channel. They were over 18, so it was granted. They then got mad at us whenever we got horny on main in the sex channel because they were only there for the dirty jokes (that were posted in the main server anyway because none of us consider JOKES to be inappropriate). They literally asked for the sex channel role and then claimed we were being problematic because we talked about sex in the sex channel when they were uncomfortable with sex. And they had borderline puritan attitudes around sex. They acted like sex was icky and gross and should never be discussed around them lest it corrupt their pure innocent soul. Yeah thats your own fault chief, grow the fuck up.

Some lightning round stories: they broke up with their boyfriend purely because he liked "irredeemable media" and when said boyfriend said they were being a total dick for that, they proceeded to whine and cry that he was actually being abusive and terrible for being upset that he was dumped over the fucking movies he liked of all things. They once sat outside their little siblings recital and complained that their parents were problematic for not charging their switch enough because it died at the same recital they couldnt be assed to sit in for because "waaaa its too boring and thats bad for my autism." Didnt even TRY, just sat outside the door playing switch and then complained that their parents didnt charge their switch enough. Can you not plug something into a wall your damn self.

Needless to say, i didnt like them very much. I can handle legitimate accommodations, but they were just so self-infantilising that they gave the rest of us a bad name. Your autism is not an excuse to act like a fucking baby. You are not made of porcelain, you will not shatter at the slightest touch, being uncomfortable is a part of life youre going to have to deal with. Its not your autism at this point, youre a grown-ass adult who throws a tantrum when the line is a little long. GROW. UP.

Now that that rants over, lets get into what the DNI on their blog was like, because this behavior from them that I just outlined really contextualizes it.

Their DNI had two tiers. The first was "red flags," which meant that if you met any one of them you apparently werent allowed to interact. Of this included your typical nazis, pedophiles, terfs, and... beastars fans. No word of a lie. Being a fan of beastars was apparently just as bad as being a nazi. What did my boy legosi do to you? (Side note: i am forever enamored with how these people seem to think that theres people out there who both self-identify as nazis and would respect a DNI. I didnt even respect that DNI. I didnt interact with them because i thought they were a terrible person, but i did not take that DNI seriously. I was openly posting about beastars in the same server LMAO) and it wasn't just beastars, there was a ton of media that i didnt even know had discourse around them that they listed as red flags if you ever touched. Amazing.

The second tier was "yellow flags" which meant that you werent allowed to interact if you met any 3 or more of them. Here was mostly media, including homestuck fans, neil gaiman fans (WHAT DID NEIL DO TO YOU), and harry potter iirc. (WHY DID YOU SINGLE OUT BEASTARS?? WHAT DID MY BOY LEGOSI DO TO YOU) my favourite part of this though, was that republicans were listed under yellow flags. Apparently its worse to be a beastars fan than a republican. We arent gonna fucking make it

#ramblings

[tic-loud-tic-proud]

Hi! I heard something in class today that sounded absolutely wild, and it wasn't said by an individual that I have any trust in regards to mental health etc (they literally said that adhd is contagious which uh. not getting into that krkskdje), but I thought I'd ask around in case there's any truth to it since I don't know nearly enough abt tourettes to say for certain its untrue. Basically, they said that their psychology student friend did a research paper and found that seeing tik toks of people with tourettes can make kids (I believe the psychology student's study group was 7 yos or something around there) get tourettes too. Now, I believe that tics can be "contagious" (like stims) aka u have tourettes and can then get a new tic from another person w tourettes, but nothing in their claim said that these kids previously had tourettes, just that they got it from tiktok. Do u know anything abt this? Is it completely ridiculous or have you ever heard anything abt this happening? No problem if you don't know or arent sure, its a pretty out-there idea (from my perspective), and I hope it isn't a horribly annoying q. Have a nice day!

I've answered this question multiple times but Tumblr search sucks and I can't find any of the posts. So even though I hate talking about this topic I'll do it again.

(My answer is really long. Some text is bolded, not for emphasis but to make long paragraphs easier to read.)

The whole "TikTok tics" thing has completely torn the TS community apart with infighting (you can read more of my opinions on that here). My own neurologist is one of the leading doctors studying the phenomena, and trying to convince people to stop calling them "TikTok tics" and use the term Functional Tic-like Behaviors (FTLBs) instead.

I want to start by saying anyone who has sudden-onset tics, or tic-like behaviors, needs to see a doctor as soon as possible. There are many cases where sudden-onset tics are a result of untreated brain injury, heavy metal poisoning, and severe nutritional deficiencies. Tourette Syndrome is far from being the only disorder that causes tics.

Most of my followers know that I dislike TikTok. At the same time, whether a person with TS wants to post videos about their life on the platform, is none of my business. I am very grateful to people that are spreading accurate information and awareness about TS to people that otherwise wouldn't care. I do believe that despite many creators' best efforts, negative stereotypes are starting to arise again- some that I've never even heard of. The "all Tourettics say swear words" stereotype is as prevalent as ever, but so is the "if a Tourettic says swear words they're faking" stereotype. I've even heard "real people with TS can't hold eggs or read books out loud or cook" stereotypes which are completely new to me. TS is never one size fits all. It's different for everybody.

What I do dislike about TS related videos on TikTok is that many of them go back to seeing us as entertainment. I have always struggled with being seen as a spectacle, I have very strong trust issues because of this. I know even some of my dearest friends think my tics are entertaining, which, I don't want to blame them for that, some of my tics can be funny, but TS itself isn't. People with TS are not clowns, we are not performers, we are not here to entertain anybody.

I don't think that TikTok causes Tourette Syndrome, because TS is never contagious, it's a defect in the brain that we are born with. I believe that this issue is very complicated and influenced by a number of factors. Nearly all of the people who are developing FTLBs are young women or transgender individuals who already face misogyny and transphobia, which both often incorporate the belief that young women/transgender individuals will constantly lie in order to gain attention. In addition to that almost all of them already suffer from severe mental health issues- depression, social anxiety, eating disorders, and body dysmorphia mostly. Because of quarantine and the pandemic, more and more people went online more often.

Humans are social animals. We all feel a need to be in groups. I believe a major part of this issue is that young people especially are figuring themselves out and need to feel a sense of belonging. If a person's "For you" is nothing but videos of people within a certain group (not even just medical communities, but goths, emos, metalheads, and other fashion- or music-based subcultures are experiencing this), you will feel left out. I'm absolutely not saying that this is the fault of the people watching or creating these videos, I'm blaming it on the exploitative algorithms that TikTok and other social media websites use to funnel users into generally obscure niches. Many industries thrive on the consumers' feeling of being left out so this method works very well and makes money for the platform.

I would highly suggest reading this article that goes more in-depth to the causes of "TikTok tics". Social media is far from being the primary cause. This isn't the first time we've had a "Tourette's outbreak" either, and it probably won't be the last.

To answer your question of "have you ever heard of this happening", yes, unfortunately I have first hand experience. My ex-girlfriend claimed she suddenly caught Tourette's from me and now has a TikTok account where she spreads misinformation "awareness" about Tourette Syndrome. She would write down my vocal tics in a notebook whenever we were around, claiming she just thought "they're so funny I want to remember them", and then would go home and film TikToks pretending to have the same tics she'd written down beforehand. She's a terrible person for many reasons and I could probably spend some time talking more about her but I know nobody is interested in that.

What's most important is that anybody with tics, anybody with TS, anybody with FTLBs, still deserve support and proper medical care. At the end of the day this is far from being an individual issue. It's shown some major flaws in the (American) healthcare system, that doctors are so quick to dismiss and ignore the real suffering of young women and transgender individuals. Every single person with tics is impacted by this issue (directly or not). Accusations of faking are at an all-time high, and it's getting harder and harder for me and many other Tourettics to trust people (again, see this post). I have friends and people close to me, diagnosed with TS, who are being accused of faking by their own doctors, and are having their diagnoses under review. In 2021 (which I consider the height of this frenzy) I went to the #1 TS specialist in my country after being on the waitlist for 3+ years, and even she questioned my diagnosis and told me that I would be cured if I deleted my (non-existent) TikTok account.

Just a week ago a young man with TS who was very popular on TikTok died as a result of a tic. For years he had struggled with TS and for years people had accused him of faking. TS is serious. It's not a trend.

Every single person deserves compassion. Every person deserves a chance to be believed, to be listened to (even my ex). Nobody deserves to have their legitimate concerns shunned and ignored, especially by medical professionals. Whether someone has FTLBs, Tourette's, PANS/PANDAS, FND, or any tic-causing disorder, we deserve help. We deserve our experience to be heard. We deserve to be believed.

#long post #this is the last time i will be addressing this #tourette syndrome #tiktok tics #fakers #fakeclaiming #jfc its christmas eve and i spent an hour of my life writing this out

[quizzically]

i've stopped making text posts on here because now all my thoughts get drainpiped directly to the ears of my friends, which is great for them but horrible for all of you, hope we're all doing okay.

some mutuals on here that i've had for literally like up to several years now, hang on in there, and you're really cool and it's cool to see how far we've come. it's weird because i don't really give any basis of change in my life because tumblr isn't..private enough for me, I would love to have an actual private account but that isn't a setting yet, so i dont really feel like liveblogging stuff. there's not really much i want to broadcast.

but i'm great. i'm going to college next year. drawing and doing stuff that i like this summer. trying not to let things get under my skin. very satisfied to be in a place where i know how to cope with my feelings, know how to get over stuff, and maybe not happy with the person i am, but very comfortable in being a person that exists. i have a right to be myself, express myself, i don't need to take it to heart if somebody doesn't like me (and this is significant for somebody who has a complex where i need to everyone to express that they like me, need to impress everybody, need to wow everyone over) i can decide who's opinion matters to me. i can discard people the same way they discard me. i know i'm not the centre of the world and somebody not liking me is rarely ever personal. i don't feel conscious of myself i have trust in myself, if i'm being wronged i don't just take it, i know how to stand up for myself and take up space.

i also know how to show love to the people that i like, and do nice things for them, and get nice things and conversation in return, and know instinctually that i'm worthy of it...i've actually internalised that i'm a good person and i don't need to reassure myself of it as much.

it's so great not to be 14/15 anymore. they don't lie that it's literally one of the hardest times of your life no matter what. i was so bad. i was horrifically depressed, self conscious, didnt trust anybody at school, never talked about how i felt to anyone. and you think it's just going to be like that forever. thankfully it's literally just the disease of being 14. being an autistic teenager in public school having to learn to navigate for the first time will make you into an actual demon -- i remember genuinely just thinking everyone around me was evil and out to get me, resenting all my friends, hating myself.

i think i really started getting better when i started to actually get genuinely excited about the world around me. i leaned into my interests and got unapologetically invested in them, started unmasking more and more, started actually delighting in everything i saw, having faith in people, living outwardly. Change doesn't start on the inside... you need to love the world around you and love what you wake up to everyday, the trees outside, look at every bird, smile and revel in every thing. that's how i feel at least. it's really stereotypical and that's not possible for everyone and also a huge simplifcation. it would be really stupid to say that to someone who's actually depressed. it's not just overnight. But i was never going to start being actually happy unless i started believing that joy actually existed and know what i found joy in. and indulging wholeheartedly and living for real. again ofc that's only the long and short of it. If i had one thing to say to my younger self...you need to start being yourself genuinely, fast, but also have faith in the world around you again. be kind and be for real and say what's on your mind, and don't cry over everything, and stick with the people who love you when you're still all that.

(warning for talking about suicide from here on)

anyway this is just rambling this barely makes sense. just keep living. do things you can remember for why you want to stay alive when you really just wanna die. yes dying is easier but there's a million good things waiting in the future that would be so sad to miss. think of the last great thing you did, you never would have got to do that if you had killed yourself. to me not having thoughts of suicide ideation anymore is less like a gently coddling experience and more like i need to actively remind myself why it would be so fucking stupid to do that to myself and everyone around me because look at everything i've done and everything i have left to do. like i need to keep proving myself i need to make it worth it. Creative work is especially good for this..if i had died i'd never have made this or that

Suicide ideation is such a fucking beast because i don't even have it that bad. like, i'm out of the gutter now nothing really actively happens in my life that warrants that. so if i spend this much time trying to rationalise "yes, it would be easier to die, but that's so dumb. that's so dumb and you can't you need to stop being irrational and childish" to myself i can't imagine how hard it is for anyone else. 10000 posts of "don't kill yourself, good things will happen tomorrow" never helped me...they never helped anyone i knew who wanted or tried to kill themselves... because in the moment you just want to be gone. it will never make sense until you actually survive what you're experiencing and live to see all those good things and then you will want to start living for real. And also realise probably a lot of the people around you(at least for me) have also gone through this. everyone has wanted to die everyone has cut or hit even the ones you wouldn't expect to and can't you imagine how horrible it would be if they gave up and were gone.

Anyway let's all hang on. that's my message. let's just keep making new days and see what happens. you need to show love outward all the time. Stop paying attention to yourself...focus on the richness and deepness of every single person around you and love them wholeheartedly. find a value in everything. never live life empty

#mvp

[shrimpmandan]

Warning: this is a long, semi-venty post about the, ahem, ‘big three’ paraphilias. If the topic makes you uncomfortable, scroll past. This is lengthy.

It's 6 am right now, and I definitely shouldn't trust anything my brain says at 6 am, but that’s when I think about shit. I’ve been thinking about the sheer number of people who treat me and people like me as inherently dangerous, as if we’re ticking time bombs with no self-control or moral compass.

I have no desire to act on my urges. I literally just cope through fiction, as proshippers tend to encourage. But GOD FORBID people with the actual fetishes related to the fiction write fiction about it! I'm tired.

Before ANYONE tries to take me out of context because I know they fucking will: no I’m not pro-contact. No I’m not a pedophile. And I fucking hate both the people who glorify paraphilias and demonize them. No, I do not take pride in my paraphilias. No, I do not hate myself for my paraphilias. Every fetish is morally neutral; actions are not. I'm not hurting anyone and staunchly believe I never will because it literally is not difficult to be a good person. Just because I wasn't "born good" by some bullshit ass logic doesn't mean I'm a threat to everyone around me. Anyone who insists that it’s “so hard to control themselves” and “they just can’t help it” is a fucking liar, but I’ll get back to that.

Literally have not been happier ever since I stopped outright hating myself over this shit. I know it's not something to act on, I always have. I already know I'm fine. There's no point in resenting something I can't change. I’ve settled on “it is what it is.” I can’t change it, I’m not hurting anybody, who cares, right? But that doesn’t make the anxiety go away, nor does it make me any more silently angry that the sickening number of child molesters, animal abusers, and corpse defilers in the world make it so that the people who are simply trying to live get dragged through the mud with them, to where we often can’t even talk about our attractions without fear of persecution.

Part of me wants to be public about that more, within reason. Because while on the one hand I want people to know they're not alone, but I also don't want to be taken out of context and labelled an abuser when I'm literally just tryna live with possibly the worst sexuality hand I could've been dealt.

I guess on a positive note I'm extremely grateful for my friends who don't ostracize or demonize me for anything. We all understand that fiction and reality are separate beasts. Having people around you who you can just vent and be honest to about this shit without fear of judgment OR without encouraging you to do shit you'll regret is... extremely important. We don't need shaming, we just need someone we can be honest to without ruining our lives by default. Both shaming and encouraging are extremely detrimental -- the most I ask for is neutrality.

There was this one anon I got. I can't find it due to tumblr autoblocking tags, but I remember they were so relieved that I had even mentioned having paraphilias. That they weren't alone and that they weren't inherently a horrible person. That anon made me feel more understood and I understood them in kind in a way I hadn't experienced like. Ever. I never felt so much kinship and understanding for someone I had never even met, that I didn’t even know as little as the screen name of.

I don’t want to be known as the “this or that” guy, which is a part of why I’m not saying specifics. That, and it’s not anyone’s business except my own and of the people I trust deeply. Aka not the internet. Not giving y’all signs in neon letters to attack me. I fully expect to lose followers and friends over this and I do not care. I don’t wish to associate with people who think I’m either better off dead, or that I need to be ‘fixed’ in order to be a good person. Because again, I already know I’m a good person and it is literally not difficult to be one.

Likewise, I ALSO don’t associate with people who feign a lack of control. People who say that they “can’t help themselves” as an excuse. Those people, 99% of the time, are nothing more than manipulators who want to avoid blame for the actions they themselves chose. I do not tolerate people who make excuses for disgusting behavior and actions. No caveats. It’s the line between a rape kink and a rapist, if that makes sense. I do not associate with or sympathize with people who molest children or animals or who defile corpses. The fact I even have to say this and go to great lengths TO say this just because I even mentioned having a paraphilia just... makes me mad. I don’t fault people for being wary, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt.

Also, this should be obvious, but do not fucking trust anyone who claims to be anti-contact but then deliberately and consistently seeks out situations where they could cause harm with few consequences. I know I just went on a whole tirade about how we have self-control and all that, BUT if someone (e.g. an open pedophile) claims to be anti-contact while frequently initiating private conversations with minors, ESPECIALLY if they turn sexual or overly personal in nature, fucking run. Fucking run because that person is lying and trying to coerce you into a false sense of security. I’m using pedophilia here because it’s really the most common one you have to worry about in terms of online safety, but I’m not trying to be a hypocrite and claim pedophilia is inherently better or worse than the other two ‘big three’ paraphilias (even though it is the most stigmatized). Apply common sense, and don’t put words in my mouth. Moving on.

So while I do not sympathize with abusers, I do sympathize with 20 year old Lucy Quinn (not a real person, obviously) who was born with one of the big three and lives in constant fear and shame that everyone in her life will despise and abandon her if only they knew, even though she never actually did anything because she’s already PAINFULLY aware that it’s wrong. I’ve been there. At one point, I was a Lucy.

If you’re an anti-contact paraphile -- any of them, whether it’s simply an illegal/unethical fetish or one of the big three -- I’m always open to anons. I want to be as open to people as possible, so that they know they’re not alone and that they’re not inherently horrible people. That’s WHY I’m so passionate about pursuing abnormal sexology as a career. I want to help people like myself, and give them a space to just talk about their urges without fear of having their lives ruined or their character assassinated over theoretical situations. There’s not nearly enough resources out there for paraphiles, and I want to at least contribute to changing that, even if that means starting small.

There are resources out there for those who lack support or healthy coping mechanisms. There are people who won’t immediately put you on the same level as genuine abusers without acting as enablers. There are therapists you can talk to, especially if you feel like your paraphilia(s) actively interfere with your regular life. You are not inherently a worse person, and you deserve to live a happy life. I promise.

#personal #paraphilia discourse #shipping discourse #i guess #by proxy anyways #this is either going to get very few notes or this is going to be a shitstorm. I don't care either way. #reblogging this is fine if you feel so inclined this is just a mixture of me venting while also explaining my stance #i dont trust the pro p/ra tag. too many actual honest to god kid diddlers in there. consider this to be neutral #because imo this is what neutrality SHOULD mean

[flowerslut]

Don't know if its intrusive to ask or not, but I am just so excited to hear you got new twilight fic coming! So, can you elaborate?! A little tiny bit?!

Lets start with, what is the one word you would use to describe this fic?

And, (just for my piece of mind) it is Jalice-centric, right?

Love your genious brain, love your style, love your makeup looks, love your Alice cosplay, love your dedication to writing Jalice fanfiction, and thank got for the day I found your CotN - the reason I got into Twilight and Jalice. AND, thank you for uploading The Death of Dusk, I am literally been re-reading Jasper's micro-hysterics due to Alice being her wonderful self, non-stop.

omg it’s not intrusive at all! this is such a sweet message thank you, but like I said—I literally can’t shut up about this premise to anyone who will listen (trust me it’s all I talk about now). it’s to the point that my friends literally know most of the general plot AND the ending. I’ve been ranting about it nonstop and bless their hearts they’ve been letting me ❤️ don’t ever worry about asking for fic information. I love to talk about my dumb fics! 🥰

oh god to sum it up in one word? if I had to choose one word it would likely be this project’s working title which is “roots”. that might not be its final name but that’s what I’m calling it for now

I would consider it a jalice fic, yes! I will say that it has become less ‘jalice-centric’ the more that I’ve outlined it. but that’s just because there are so many damn characters and moving parts in this story and it is very much not a romance. their relationship is very very central to the plot but it is a very angsty, dramatic, tragic little (okay, it’s not little. it’s huge) story.

to elaborate a little further: it’s going to be a post-breaking dawn fic! I’ve never been big on writing canon fic (or pre/post-canon) but this idea struck me last month and I haven’t been able to shake it since. this fic tackles two key topics: aro is not going to give up and let the cullens ‘win’, and jasper’s fucked up past is going to come back to haunt him eventually. these two topics become very much intertwined. prior to the start of this fic it has become very clear to aro how the Volturi can take care of the ‘cullen problem’ without him ever having to lift a finger (meaning, alice will never see it coming) 😈

I don’t want to spoil too much but I will say that this fic will cover sensitive topics that some readers may not vibe with (body horror, torture, heavy religious themes, character death, just to name a few) but it’ll be tagged accordingly and trigger warnings will go out in the notes of each chapter. it’s is definitely the most uhhh fucked up story I’ve ever come up with (and I’m currently 75k words into a nice messed up codependent human jalice AU lmfao) but it’ll be a nice experiment in horror I think. I don’t even know if it can be categorized as horror. psychological thriller? who knows (not me)

thank you again for being such a sweet supporter of my work! it means a lot that anybody cares about the writing and silliness I put out in the world.

#thank you this is so sweet #give it up for roots though babeyyyy I can’t WAIT to finish this outline and start writing this november! #sometimes I wish there were more fucked up jalice fics and then I start writing one #be the change you wish to see etc etc etc #roots

[heretherebedork]

wanna preface this by saying i am NOT trying to be a vegas apologist or downplay anything i am just trying to get the facts straight

but where exactly did the idea that vegas is a rapist even come from?? i know he drugged porsche in ep4, but he explicitly said ‘i dont like to force anybody’ and that he only wanted to mark him up. which ABSOLUTELY is still sexual assault and absolutely wrong. but i feel like people take his reaction after porsche head butted him to mean that he got angry and was going to rape him but got interrupted but like…all he said was ‘oh that’s how you like it?’ and started to get rougher. WHICH IS STILL SEXUAL ASSAULT but there is no explicit indication of intended rape. especially considering that literally in the next scene….we get k*** explicitly r*ping porsche…..

even in the bathroom scene, he tries to make a move on porsche while they’re BOTH drunk (i see lots of ppl say porsche was faking being drunk so this can go either way) which again isn’t great but there’s no indication of attempted r*pe

even with pete. he gets a little handsy in that dungeon, very clear sexual assault, but everyone was saying he was going to r*pe pete if his dad hadn’t walked in and it’s like?????? where does it say that????? he had pete tied up in his room in just boxers at an isolated safehouse with just the two of them and didn’t touch him, but im supposed to believe he was gonna r*pe him in that dungeon???

because the most consistent thing we’ve seen with vegas and sex…..is consent and protection. even with tawan ffs

i cannot stress enough that this is not me trying to be an apologist or to compare vegas and kinn because my god do they both have their severe flaws, but its just insane to me that vegas and vegaspete have this reputation of being rapey when……well you know

So, a lot of it is coming from the fact that I know he does rape Pete in the book and so that's where the scene lead in that version of the universe. Note: I have not read the book but I know enough people who did to know about that.

I also draw a lot less of a line between sexual assault and rape than you do and while I understand that, it also affects how we're using the language. Would Pete have gone into full on rape when he had Porsche drugged up? There is no way to know. Vegas' morals are like most people's and what he considers forcing doesn't have to be the same.

Think about how many people don't think K raped P in that scene. Think about it. How many people argued with that being rape? How many people explained it away as love? How many people would still never admit that it was rape? I bet there's tons out there.

Did Vegas ever commit a rape on-screen? No. He never did. Did he come close? Yes. Was he interrupted? Yes. Could he easily have committed a rape? Yes.

Vegas apologies aren't needed in the same way because he didn't do the thing that he would be so ripped to shreds for but do I doubt that he wouldn't have done them.

I also don't know how drunk Vegas was when he tried to kiss Pete. There's a good chance neither of them was drunk in that moment but thought the other was. That's... that's a whole different thing about deception and how the show frames things and the differences between the relationships of the characters within the meta narrative.

But I absolutely believe that we are supposed to think that Vegas had plans and/or the ability to rape Pete but did not. But I also kind of think the narrative wants us to assume K and P were already in love despite the rape soooo... I just don't trust the narrative of the show, tbh.

For me, I think Vegas has no limits of what he would have or could have done to Porsche and that his only limits with Pete came after the talk about their fathers. I absolutely think rape was on the table the entire time despite saying he didn't want to force anyone because Vegas just doesn't think in the same morality we do.

Again, at least part of this is that most people aren't differentiating between sexual assault and rape, especially with the idea that rape would only mean penetration or the full act of sex.

But a lot of it is also just K-apologists.

#no tags here #spoilers #spoiler #negative #criticism #rape mention

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #087

Do you know anyone who has a speech impediment? I've actually brought up to my mother before if she thinks my nephew Ryder might. He has this habit of just totally derailing when he starts talking and then repeating himself a lot like he's trying to figure out what he's trying to say. She doesn't think so, instead she thinks it's just how incredibly poor his focus is and how he's always going a thousand miles an hour, but I still sincerely wonder. Has anyone of the opposite sex ever hit you before? Uh not in a non-consensual or even remotely aggressive way, absolutely not. I honestly think I'd break the guy's wrist if that ever DID happen to me. You don't lay a goddamn hand on ANYBODY unless you are defending your goddamn self. What is the meanest thing someone called you? Weak-willed. Someone who lies about being traumatized. Dead weight. Get the FUCK out of here. Have you ever been paid to build something for someone? Oh no, I'm no builder. Who is the one person you trust the most? My mom.

Has your best friend ever made you cry? Yes, but I know he didn't mean to. On one occasion I compleeeeetely overreacted to a totally hypothetical situation, and I knew I had, but cried some anyway until he noticed and we talked about it. On the other occasion I'd started crying because I thought we were going to argue, when we ended up not doing so because he's an adult that can handle serious conversations. Has anyone ever talked you into doing something you didn’t want to do? Yes. Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture? Yes. Do you remember who you had feelings for at the beginning of 2015? Do you still speak to that person? If not, why not? Jason, and no, because he wants nothing to do with me and I'm finally at a point where I don't want to have contact with him either. When you say you don’t care, do you mean it? In most cases? LOL NOPE Have you ever dated someone who was not good to you? No. Have you ever made a boy cry? Yes. I know I made Jason cry at least once. Possibly my dad. Has the last person you kissed taken their shirt off in front of you? Yes. When was the last time you were told you were cute? A couple days back. Girt tells me that a lot. Next event you’ll wear a dress to? Probably not 'til I get married. Are you a gold digger? Absolutely not. Have you ever thought the sky would fall? No. Have you ever danced in the moonlight? Yes, but we don't talk about that fucking night. Have you ever drank Jack Daniels? Did you like it? I don't think I have. Who do you lean on when you’re down? Primarily my mom or Girt, sometimes Mazzy and Tez. Who leans on you? Mom VERY reluctantly (she feels really bad when she feels like she's "burdening" people, guess where I got it from...), Girt also with a lot of reluctance because he's also afraid of stressing me out as well as just not being the best with expressing emotions, but I'm very insistent on him above anyone else being open with those and leaning on me whenever at all he needs support. Mazzy and Tez have also opened up with me involved in group chat. In recent times I have another old online friend who is going through a very challenging time and she messages me every now and again, and I'm glad she does. Yet another old online friend has also done this, and that shit just means a lot, for multiple people I don't even talk to much to KNOW they can come to me when they need an ear, shoulder, anything. When was the last time you really had fun? I was actually working on a new RP character's profile last night and had a lot of fun with designing and prepping it for his story. Have you ever had a threesome? No, not my kind of thing. I am very monogamous in the sense that I would never want to be sexually involved with more than one individual, I don't care what the occasion is. Do you have fake nails on right now? No, I literally never do. They would bug me senseless. Have you cuddled with someone today? No, I wish. I've been in one of my overattached phases the past few days. How does alcohol affect you? My face very visibly flushes red, I get hot, a somewhat warm feeling in my stomach, and I laugh and talk more. What was the first thing you ate today? Mom made bacon, so that. What was the last type of meat you ate? Beef. Well, are McDonald's burgers even real beef? Who the fuck knows lmao Is there a special someone in your life right now? Yep, he's pretty damn special. If so, tell me your favorite thing about their personality and their looks: Girt is SO FUCKING LOYAL (it says a lot that his best friend is a recovering drug addict that for right now lives with him, he does fucking not leave people behind), and he is also so damn funny. As for looks, he has the most charming and endearing smile to me. Has a guy ever kissed your neck? Well yeah Do you remember things from when you were a kid that your parents can’t? Oh yes, my memories of childhood are *absolutely* abnormally plentiful and vivid. Is there a song stuck in your head right now? Yeah I have "OK" by Rammstein on loop right now and trying to figure out how my life came to this lmfao What’s your favorite thing about September? I guess that it's generally around that time that things start cooling off? That'd really be it, though, September is a super boring month in general. Who was the last person to insult you to your face? Probably my mom. Who was the last person you sat next to? Mom on the couch earlier. Do you smile often? I wouldn't say "often," no. What popular social media platforms AREN’T you on? Twitter. Well I mean, I HAVE one, but I literally never use it, I don't even browse. What was the name of the first porcelain doll you got? I never got those, porcelain dolls really freaked me out as a kid, and I still don't really like them. Do you sell any products? If so, what? No. Do you own any band t-shirts? Yeah, a lot. What’s your favorite Paramore song? "Decode." I've always loved it, ever since it came out. Are you bitter about anything? Yep. I probably always will be, to some extent. If applicable, what’s your favorite dance costume that you’ve had? Oh jesus hell if I remember. Did you have a boyfriend in kindergarten? No, but one of the kids that harassed me in pre-k named Christopher was also in my class and continued to get in trouble for attack-hugging and kissing me. Now as an adult, it bothers me immensely that these two boys had to bother me SO damn frequently to be actually fucking punished. And what do you know, I'm quite certain that their behavior followed me into now and how I absolutely cannot stand/genuinely freak out when people, especially men, are behind me. Did you ever read the Magic Treehouse series? I sure did, that was one of the first series I ever got into. Who was your best friend in elementary school? It alternated between Brianna, Kim, Jenna, Quiata, and maybe Kathryn. Did they continue to be your best friend in middle school? No. I have very specific memories of watching Kim change and drift away from/ignore me. Well wait, MAYBE Jenna was still a best friend in middle school? I really can't remember. Middle school is a very strange, extremely blurry period in my history. I remember SO little from then. Did you ever watch The Land Before Time movies? Oh yes, I was absolutely obsessed with it. To this day I still might get a tree star tattoo with Littlefoot's mom's death quote when my mother passes away. Did you collect anything when you were a kid? Yes, stickers. My childhood dresser was absolutely COVERED in them by the time I let go of it; even the back that nobody could see had a few, I think. What was your favorite sport to play as a child? What is it now? Basketball. I don't play sports anymore. Did you ever read the Junie B. Jones books? Yep, another series I adored. Were you friends with your neighbors? I was with a kid that lived down my road. We would go to each other's houses and ride bikes together and just hang out a lot. I very clearly remember him even eventually asking me out, but of course I was a young kid (I'm talking nowhere near even a pre-teen yet) that genuinely had no idea interracial relationships (he was African American) were an okay/acceptable thing, so I said no. I remember it caused an argument (rightfully so honestly because the ONLY reason I gave him was racism), but we eventually made up and stayed friends 'til my family moved. We're Facebook friends now and he's married and seems super happy and adores his wife. Did you enjoy exploring your backyard? Yeah, I played all the time primarily in the side yard but also the back. I was always making up games to play with my sister or by myself. Dad frequently played baseball with me, too, or we'd fly a kite in the tobacco field literally just across the street if it wasn't in use that time of year. What was your biggest fear when you were a kid? My mom dying. I had very, very severe separation anxiety. Honestly I wonder to this day if I ever completely got over it, because I still rely so much on my mom and (generally) feel like I'm safe so long as she's right there, and I still want to be with her a lot when I'm really scared. Who did you look up to most when young? Steve Irwin. He was a superhero to me. I still think he was. Did you ever play the "Reader Rabbit" computer games? omg yes, I loved them Did you have a swing set in your backyard? Kinda like in the corner where the back and side yard met, yeah. How about a sandbox? No, but I loved playing in them during school recess. Once I hit my meerkat-obsessed age, I literally started a trend of digging tunnel/"burrow" systems with other kids lmao. I can still feel all the sand under my nails, like use a shovel you barbarians Were you a teacher’s pet in kindergarten? I was basically all through school, haha. I was always the "pleasure to have in class" and very, very close with my teachers. I was a super well-behaved and honestly just very smart and attentive kid that teachers tend to enjoy. Did you ever build a treehouse or a fort in your yard? ON GOD my friends, younger sister, and I used to try to build houses out of pine straw lmao hunny it doesn't work like that. Like we would outline the walls and doorways and shit and stack as much as we could. Did you ever find anything interesting in your yard? Yep. One morning there was a FUCKING MASSIVE, very bright green toad or frog huddled against one of the the van's tires, and I still don't know what exactly it was, but damn that fella was a chonk and a half. On another instance, we had a timber rattlesnake in our driveway when we got home from school, which we really should have reported because we are just outside of the county outline map where they exist normally. We did get professionals to move it way into the field across from our house, though, but idr who exactly they were. I will add that perhaps I'm misremembering the snake, like I very clearly remember it rattling its tail, however even nonvenomous snakes do this a lot to imitate, so idk. I'm pretty damn sure it was a legit rattlesnake, though. There's really probably a lot of other stuff I found, like I was outside a lot, but idk. Did your parents let you drink soda? Occasionally. I remember I very much loved Sprite as a kid, though. Which I now hate by the way, haha. Did you ever have an imaginary friend? What was their name? Oh jesus fucking christ I had an imaginary gray wolf friend whose name I don't even remember that I would pretend came to me able to speak with me and gave me animalistic "powers," someone please help this child Did you dream of being a princess or did you not really care about that? No, princesses were my little sister's thing. What kind of car did your parents have? I remember we had a bluish/greenish family van, and my dad had this old brown car that he nicknamed "Frida the Cheetah" lmfao my dad is goddamn mailman, that car was going nowhere fast. Every time he had to replace his car he added a number (ex. Frida the Cheetah II, III) to its name btw lmfao. Were you afraid to sleep by yourself? No, though honestly that's not something I faced a lot. My sister is only two years younger than me and we shared a room, so she was there for just about my whole childhood. What was your favorite kind of cake as a kid? I'm sure it was chocolate.

#survey #surveys #questions #random questions #random surveys #personal survey #personal questions

[nuditorium]

the thing is with me is that i will tell you, from the start, what you’re getting. i will tell you who i am, my intentions, my beliefs, my values, what i stand by. and not only that, but i always live up to my words. i will and have never said anything that i know to be a lie to deceive someone. you will see, by my actions, as that is how my words can only be trusted and best emulated, that i was truthful with you from the start about what you will be getting and who i am.

there is one thing i always strive and live by. and that is consistency in my personality and who i am. if i have a belief, i will stick with it. i will remain consistent with it. no exceptions. my values, my purpose, my beliefs mean so much to me. they are what has created me in the person i am today. if i tell you that i value respect, you best believe and know that what i am trying to tell you is “i will always respect you.” my beliefs and values apply to everyone i encounter (except zionists, racists, etc, y’all know the basics). and so when i say that i value honesty, that means that i will be nothing but truthful to you. as truth and honesty = respect. and you cant have one without the other.

i have worked very hard on myself since i was a kid to mould myself into the person that i am today. i have been discovering and building my values for so long now that i literally have it outlined, paper and pen, as a virtue to live by. to always stay true to. even on my worst days. my ethics, morals, and beliefs will not be conditional. that’s something i value. consistency. loyalty. trust. honour. respect. love. care. gentleness. tenderness. sweetness. purity. all of it. and so, when someone comes into my life, i give them what i believe in. i allow them to experience my values. my virtues. and it’s not even a conscious effort. it’s so deeply rooted in me that i don’t make it a strenuous effort. and that’s not a “i’m so full of myself” “i’m superior” type of bullshit. im literally just keeping it real. you get what you see. you will get what i told you from the beginning. no surprises. cause im not about that.

and so when i tell you that no matter what happens to us, i will never do X, Y, and Z, you best believe that i will never do X, Y, and Z. im not gonna lie to you. there’s no reason to lie in this already dark and fucked up world. and so when i say that i will always respect you and honour you. you better believe, again. that if you are in my life or if you are not in my life- for whatever reason- even if it was -you- who ended up wronging me, i will still respect you and your boundaries. im not gonna say “i will always blah blah blah” and do the opposite in the end. i told you, from the beginning, what i believe, what my actions are, my intentions, all of it. because i know how it feels like to be mistreated. to feel betrayed. lied to. hurt. abused. and i will do anything in my power to not inflict those god awful feelings onto someone else. at least never, EVER intentionally. i will not treat anybody in ways that i don’t want to be treated. i will not treat anyone in ways i wouldn’t even want my own child to experience. that’s what i live by. and im content with that. im more than content with that.

#txt #text

[adoringhaikyuu]

when their teammate has a crush on you

characters: kageyama, kenma, oikawa, tanaka

warnings: nothing, just some pouty boys and possessiveness

notes: i stumbled upon @kageyuji​‘s take on this while i was writing! so i thought i might as well give them a shoutout! 

kageyama:

you already know this boy speaks up with no shame

and he will glare at anyone who gets in his way or on his nerves, especially when they do anything to you

so when hinata doesn’t even try to hide that he likes you, saying boldly “well why should i lie?” 

you could only imagine the rage that kageyama is feeling

he doesn’t even want you in the same room as hinata sjkdfghsdj

he will pick either you or hinata up and take you away, depending on the situation

or he’ll take hinata’s face in his hand and just throw him away

but the boy always bounces right back, somehow unharmed and you’re grateful for that 

but anyway it’s not that hinata is necessarily trying to break the two of you up, it’s more that he’s genuinely confused as to why you’re with kageyama

“how could you possibly like this bully? is there something wrong with you?” 

he got chased by kageyama immediately after saying that––

your eyes widened as you saw a flash of orange jump in front of you as you walked towards the gym, ready to meet kageyama to go home. “y/n! y/n! could you please throw some balls for us?! yachi had to go home but we really wanna practice some more!” 

you stepped back and your boyfriend came out of nowhere, practically smacking the other boy out of the air, leaving him to crouch on the ground, clutching the top of his head as he scowled at the dark-haired boy. “calm down you idiot! y/n doesn’t have to if they don’t want to! they’re probably tired anyway and just wanna go home.” he turned to you and gave you a small smile. “you wanna go?” 

you looked between the two. “i mean...i can help you guys practice for a little bit.”

the other boy sprung up again. “oh! thank you! thank you!” 

your boyfriend bowed his head quickly. “thank you.”

you smiled up at him and he felt his cheeks redden. “of course, tobio.” a smile spread on his face as well but it was short-lived as hinata spoke up, suddenly inches away from the two of you. 

“what’s up with your face? why do you look like that?” 

kageyama scowled down at him. “nothing’s wrong with my face! what’s wrong with your face?!” 

“why are you yelling at me?!” hinata turned to you, “he’s so mean! how are you with him?” he looked down and mumbled to himself, “i wouldn’t treat you like this...”

kageyama’s eyes widened with rage. “what was that?!” 

“n––nothing!” the smaller boy backed up, eyes wide with fear. 

“you know what? we’re leaving.” kageyama stormed into the gym and quickly got his things, ignoring hinata’s pleas.

“aw what? why?! come on kageyama!” he turned to you, “y/n please––”

suddenly you were facing your boyfriend’s back as he stood in front of you to glare at the other boy. “don’t even think about it. we’re done for today.” he turned to you and grabbed your hand, tightening his hold when you waved goodbye to a pouting hinata. 

when you were almost off the premises you looked up at kageyama. “you know you’re kinda hot when you’re jealous,” you smirked up at him and he stuttered in shock.

“what–i–you––”

you laughed and kissed the back of his hand softly, immediately giving him a nosebleed. you handed him a tissue which he gratefully took, glaring at you weakly. 

“you know i’m yours, right?” 

he swallowed and blinked a couple times before nodding once. 

“then you have nothing to worry about, okay?”

he started muttering to himself, the only words you could make out being “idiot” and “dumbass”. you placed your hands on his cheeks and he stopped and looked down at you, eyes wide. 

“okay, tobio?”

he nodded. “okay.” he paused. “but that doesn’t mean i’m going to be nicer to that idiot––”

you laughed. “yeah baby, i know.” 

kenma:

let’s say you’d been dating kenma for a while now, a little lowkey 

and everything is fine, everything is going really well

kenma likes it when you hang around the team, the team likes you

you’re like a part of the squad

and kenma’s feeling great about it 

until lev comes along––

kenma already doesn’t like this boy, he doesn’t even know how to hit a ball properly––

but when kenma notices the way the tall boy blatantly stares at you during practice, the way he always tries to butt into your conversations and show off to you...

kenma’s practically radiating angry chihuahua energy, the air around him red and he looks like he’s two seconds away from biting––

if lev interrupts your convo w him sometimes he’d just stare at the boy deadpanned and go back to his conversation with you, “anyway–”

or he’d take your hand and lead you away

or he’d literally just say “go away, lev.” and the poor boy would just pout and whine, “aww what? why?” 

one time lev tried to tag along on one of your dates and you had to step in front of kenma so he wouldn’t kick the boy in the shins or something

lev really wasn’t trying to do any harm, he was just a big lanky puppy who had a little crush on you

but still, kenma wasn’t having any of that

kuroo leaned on the wall next to where kenma was leaning against it, sipping his water during their ten minute break. he smirked down at his friend teasingly, “so what are you gonna do about your new competition?”

kenma wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, putting the bottle on the floor as he practically snarled. “shut up.”

“woah,” kuroo smiled, raising his hands up in mock surrender. “put your claws away, man. i’m just asking.” 

kenma simply grumbled in response, making his friend laugh.

“well you should think fast cause it looks like he’s getting real close to y/n right now––”

kenma’s head snapped up immediately and his jaw clenched when he took in the sight across the gym. lev was lying on the bench, practically half his body folded, his legs bent on the ground, his head on your lap, his eyes closed. 

kenma huffed and stomped over to you two, some of his other teammates jumping out of his way when they felt the almost deadly aura around him. he stopped right in front of you and you looked up at him.

he blinked. “why is lev on you?”

you shrugged, “he said his head was hurting and then just plopped his head in my lap.”

said boy finally opened his eyes and perked up, “oh hi kenma! my head’s been hurting from all this hard practice so i thought i’d rest a bit.”

your boyfriend’s eye twitched. “on y/n?” 

“yeah!” the boy smiled, somehow completely oblivious to the setter’s rage. “they’re real soft, you know––”

“yes.” kenma interrupted, blunt as ever. “i know.” 

noticing the increasing tension, you spoke up. “hey lev?” he looked at you happily. “your head’s feeling better now, right?” 

“well i guess so...”

“maybe you should go get some water and some fresh air then, yeah?”

he pouted, “but maybe i should stay for just a little longer–” kenma was about to pop a blood vessel. 

“trust me,” you guided him up gently. “this is what’s best for your health.”

as soon as he agreed and walked away from you, you looked up at your boyfriend with a smile on your face and pat your thighs. he eagerly took lev’s place and looked up at you with a furrow in his brows that you were quick to smooth out with your thumb, smiling when he visibly melted at your touch. you ran your fingers through his scalp to calm him down and he purred, leaning into your hands. 

“stupid lev...” he mumbled to himself and you laughed, leaning down to kiss his forehead, making him blush immediately.

“you have nothing to worry about, okay? i’m yours.”

he blinked, trying to calm his heartbeat, a small smile on his face. “good.” 

oikawa:

alright let’s switch things up a lil bit and mention someone i’ve personally like never seen mentioned in this scenario

let’s say mad dog likes you

oh boy

so at first oikawa thinks he’s seeing things

but once he notices how kyoutani opens the door for you, the way his eyes linger on you a little more when you come to practices or to the games, the way he gives you a small smile every now and then––

kyoutani doesn’t smile for anybody!!––

oikawa’s eyes narrow and he gets a bad feeling in his gut 

otherwise known as jealousy

now he knows you’d never leave him or anything like that, but the fact that you start getting closer to the walking time bomb and you become the only other person that he listens to besides iwaizumi––

oikawa doesn’t like that at all

he’d get all pouty and would literally drag you away from your conversations with the younger boy, almost whimpering when he glares and practically growls at him

“where is y/n-chan??” oikawa asked to no one in particular, his hands on his hips. 

kindaichi stopped and picked up one of the stray balls on the floor, “oh i saw y/n outside with kyoutani.”

“what?!” oikawa pracitcally shrieked, making the younger boy jump. he mumbled to himself, “i swear we need to get mad dog a collar with bells on it––” he stomped over to where the two of you were, a strained smile on his face as he noticed you laughing, kyoutani’s cheeks slightly pink.

“well what do we have here?” he said forceful but cheerful. 

you looked to your boyfriend with a smile and kyoutani simply glared at him, but then again, that was just his face. “oh we were just getting some fresh air. are you done practicing your serves?”

“i sure am.” he smiled, pulling you close to him by your waist and pressing an obnoxiously loud and wet kiss to your cheek which you immediately wiped off with a grimace, which he did not appreciate. “y/n-chan!” he whined, “that’s not very nice!” 

“well don’t make it so wet next time,” you rolled your eyes. 

noticing the other boy still hadn’t made a move to leave, your boyfriend spoke up. “shouldn’t you be leaving now, mad dog?”

you smacked his chest and he yelped. “don’t be so rude, tooru. he was keeping me company while you did your extra practice, you know.”  

he pouted and looked to the ground.

“i should be getting home, anyway.” the blond spoke up gruffly. his eyes softened almost imperceptibly as he looked at you. “see you, y/n.”

you smiled, “bye kyou.” 

“bye mad-dog!” your boyfriend practically sang, as he looked over his shoulder at the boy leaving. he turned back to you and you pursed your lips at his behavior, making his shoulders droop in shame. 

“you’re such a big baby, you know that?” although you insulted him, your voice was soft and he couldn’t help but smile at the way you cooed at him, your hands holding his cheeks. “but you’re my baby, okay? stop worrying so much about kyoutani.” 

he nodded. “okay...” his eyes widened hopefully, “can i get a kiss please?”

you smiled and shook your head, before leaning in. he really was a baby sometimes.  

tanaka:

you already know this boy is loud

and he likes to show off what’s his because he’s just so proud that you’re his and he loves to fawn over you

so he’ll always have a hand on you, an arm around you and he’ll always shower you in compliments whenever he sees you

a total simp

and that’s just in general

so when his friend likes you ??? bruh

let’s just say nishinoya thinks you’re kinda cute,,, okay really cute and his crush only (unwillingly) grew for you after you started dating tanaka and hanging out with them all the time

he’d be really excited whenever you were around, a pink tint covering his cheeks, a smile glued to his face

he’d try to show off during practice and games, looking to you after he lands a successful rolling thunder

and tanaka would be growling in the corner sdfghj

he’d literally try to one up his friend immediately and would scream to you in the stands “I LOVE YOU BABY THIS ONE IS FOR YOU!!”

after they win he’d pull you into a crushing hug and give you loud kisses all over your face 

he’d do the most and then he’d smile all smug making sure everyone including nishinoya saw 

you laughed as noya jumped several feet in the air to high five you after winning their game, a bright smile on his face. “did you see that last receive i did y/n? did you?” 

you nodded, laughing. “yes i did noya, it was really impressive.” 

his cheeks turned pink and he ducked his head, scratching the back of his head nervously as he waved you off. “ah it wasn’t all that...it was pretty good though, huh?” 

before you could respond, you saw a flash of movement in front of you before you were suddenly being hoisted into the air. you gasped and wrapped your arms and legs around your boyfriend, “ryu!––” 

“hey baby!” he practically yelled, smiling up at you and not so subtly walking away from his best friend with you in his arms. “did you see me hit that last spike? your man looked pretty good out there, huh? better than everyone else right?” 

daichi who was walking by the two of you quickly hit the back of tanaka’s head in warning, hearing his words. “watch it––”

tanaka turned his head, “uh i mean you looked great too captain! couldn’t have done this without you––”

“yeah yeah,” he walked away, rolling his eyes and you laughed yet again, grabbing your boyfriend’s attention. 

he looked up at you with wide eyes, squeezing his arms around you tighter and you smiled, putting your hand on his cheek. he nuzzled into your touch softly and you pressed a kiss to his lips, making him blush immediately. “of course i was watching you, and yes you looked very very good out there. i’m so proud of you.” 

he smiled wide but tried to act oblivious when you went on, “you know you kinda interrupted my conversation earlier with––”

“well anyway! i think we should get going now--” he spoke far too loud, walking faster from the gym, making you shake your head at his adorably possessive behavior. 

you leaned your head on his shoulder fondly, “you know you can be ridiculous sometimes ryu...”

he huffed quietly, “well you still love me right?”

you smiled. “always.” 

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu drabbles #tobio kageyama #tobio kageyama x reader #tobio kageyama fluff #tobio kageyama headcanon #tobio kageyama drabble #kenma #kenma x reader #kenma fluff #kenma headcanon #kenma drabble #oikawa #oikawa x reader #oikawa fluff #oikawa headcanon #oikawa drabble #tanaka #tanaka x reader #tanaka fluff #tanaka headcanon #tanaka drabble

[honey-milk-depresso]

What about our precious Bennett with anyone of your choosing

Oh shit Bennett- that precious boy I- Imma kill that adventurer who said he sucks I swear-

Also stan Razor x Bennett- U-U

While you're mostly someone of good character; always lending friends a helping hand and giving them the best of your support, your luck mechanism sort of ruins the help, and might end up turning the tables on them in a bad way.

Despite all, you're a very optimistic individual, and you look towards the light up ahead of the tunnel. Despite all odds, you push on. And that's what makes you strong.

TWST The unlucky but optimistic s/o (Bennett)

Trey Clover

Never in his life has he ever made a mess in the kitchen,

until he met you.

For some reason, no one did anything, but everything went haywire. Let's just say, you two found some trouble with Riddle, something he didn't expect.

"What on earth happened in here?! Trey!"

"No, no! Riddle, it wasn't Trey's fault..! It's... my fault.. I.. probably started the mechanism again.."

Mechanism? Trey and Riddle would soon realize that whenever you tag along with someone, bad luck would always be on your side with them, and bring the people you're with down.

Trey feels.. sorry. Like, really sorry. It must be hard whenever you try your best to help, only to end up in miserable outcomes.

But you've never gave up. You've never gave up in trying your best to do anything, especially when it comes to being a supportive friend and lover.

And he just can't leave you. Sure, you may bring about taboo for him but, you've never had any ill intentions, he know you can't control your bad luck, and you're just the sweetest cinnamon roll he's ever met, how could he just leave you?

Sometimes, you might be in doubt. Even the brightest of people can't always bring about sunshine to themselves. "Hey, Trey? Why would you still want to be with me.. I've never really brought about anything good, and we've only manage to get out of trouble by our skins.. I'm just really sorry someone as nice as you would have to go through all this because of me..."

Trey simply takes your hand, and uses his thumb to rub it in soothing circles.

"You've always been my charm, s/o. I wouldn't trade the world for you." <3

Jade Leech

He can't understand.

He's messed up so badly.

Ever since you worked in Monstro Lounge, and he was instructing you, everything drowned into chaos. And this time, it was somehow you and him that seemed to start it. Not Floyd.

The drink glasses were scattered every where, plates were broken and there quite a handful of unhappy customers.

"Jade?! You don't usually mess up your duties like this! What in sevens happened???"

"Ah! Wait, Azul! I.. well- um- it's hard to explain but- none of this was Jade's fault. It's mine! I.. probably started all this because of my whole bad luck seeping through the situation.... sorry.."

What bad luck? Apparently, it's happened to you since young. All the time when you're with someone, luck would never be on your side, and would potentially bring about hefty troubles to many.

How unfortunate, aiyah~

While Azul doesn't really know how to help you, making a potion to ease the bad luck might be something very advanced-

Jade would look out for you.

As much as you're always bringing about bad luck, you can't control it, he knows. And you have always been the sweetest little angelfish who tries your best to help him, like a true lover. Oh, such a sweet little thing you are, he can just eat you up~ Not literally, don't worry, darling-

But he would always be by your side, no matter how bad of the situation you make. He doesn't mind. It can be rather entertaining as each problem that arises is very unexpected; the way he likes. All sorts of drama can take place, and it can somehow be all resolved in the most peculiar ways by you. How fascinating~

" Jade? I was wondering... why won't you leave me? Not to say I don't like being with you! Trust me..! I really do! But.. well... am I not a problem for you to deal with?? I feel bad you're in all the troubles I stir up because of my mechanism..."

He only chuckles softly, gliding his finger on your locks as he traces and pushes it to the back of your ear. "My sweet angelfish. How could I ever leave someone who has brought me so much color in my life now, hmm?~ I could never leave someone as sweet as you~" <3

Malleus Draconia

Malleus.. doesn't quite know how to feel. But he was very much surprised.

He... well... his magic had somehow went out of hand, and now burnt paper were spiraling around the two of you, as some burnt parts of the paper became ash littered on the cobblestone floor of his room.

Lilia seemed to have stepped in with a surprised look on him as well, slightly amused by what has happened.

"Oh my~ What seemed to have happened in here?"

"Ah! Lilia-senpai! Oh no... I'm so sorry! Malleus and Lilia! None of this is anybody's fault except my own! I... I guessed I've activated the mechanism without caution again..."

What is this mechanism you speak of? Your mechanism apparently brings about bad luck to those around you, and might cause some havoc if you aren't cautious to your surroundings... though, sometimes you the mechanism can activate at any given time..

Malleus could help reduce such of the situation considering his vast knowledge of magic can help in anything.

But then again, that bad luck is natural, the best he can do is reduce it and make sure you aren't harmed.

To Malleus, there's nothing wrong with you.

You have always been supportive and kind towards him, and you've been the sweetest friend and lover for him that he could throw that bad luck of yours out of the window. You have always been the optimistic sunshine in his life who have always seen the best and worse in him and still stay by his side to care for him the best you can. It's the thought that counts

He can reduce such, but solely for the purpose of keeping you safe, and prevent such hazards that can harm you.

"Malleus, someone like you... shouldn't.. well- your the greatest wizard of them all! And I'm... just someone with extremely bad luck.. hehe... I'm not sure what I can even do for you.."

Malleus only places a hand to cover both of yours, he looks at you with a gentle gaze before softly replying, "You have given me all the love and happiness in the world. I should be the one wondering why I have someone as great as you. But.. perhaps, I've seen the both of us being a perfect fit for one another. Nothing can take over your place of being first to come to my mind" <3

#twst #twisted wonderland #trey clover x reader #jade leech x reader #malleus draconia x reader #twst x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #trey clover #jade leech #malleus draconia #twst headcanon #twst x reader headcanon #twisted wonderland x reader headcanon #twisted wonderland headcanon #twst x reader fluff #twst fluff #twst trey #twst jade #twst malleus #twst trey x reader #twst jade x reader #twst malleus x reader

[tothemeadow]

Art trade with @azurenocturne​

Art originally done by @ Lsjenjen on twitter

Rengoku Kyojuro x Reader

- Kyojuro decides to take your relationship to the next level while teaching you how utterly amazing you are, no matter what anyone else says. -

warnings: NSFW, oral sex, mentions of emotional abuse, Douma is kind of a dickhead

words: 2k

-

“You’re doing it again.”

Snapping away from your reverie, you nearly drop your phone as you fumble around, embarrassment heating up your insides. You hadn’t even realized you were spacing out again. Still, Douma cracks a smile. You tense as he reaches over the table, the rings adorning his fingers catching the afternoon light streaming in through the windows. He merely pats the crown of your head with a gentle touch; you know that this is all for show since the two of you are in public. While Douma has never struck you during the course of your relationship, he isn’t gentle either.

“Stupid girl,” he mutters. “There isn’t anything that important in your life to distract you this much.”

Ah, there it is.

You’re used to the biting words, the snarky comments, the endless insults. On some days, it’s like his sole mission in life is to yell at you constantly, but what can you do about it? It is your fault, after all. Maybe if you had your head on straight or weren’t so sensitive, things could be better for you in life.

You swallow dryly. The plate of half-eaten food sitting in front of you doesn’t even look appetizing anymore. “I’ve got exams coming up, you know that,” you tell him, voice low. You know better than to talk back to him, especially when you’re in public like this.

With a scoff, Douma leans back in his seat. It’s unfair that he’s still unbelievably attractive even when irritated; strong jaw set, eyes heavy lidded, and birch hair pulled up high, he looks like he’s ready to set foot out on the runway rather than be sitting here on a lunch date with you. The houndstooth material of his jacket ruffles as he crosses his arms. He’s just so pretty, incredibly so, and you’d be damned if you said you couldn’t bear to stare at him all day.

“Well, you’re with me,” he spits. “Exams be damned.”

“Douma, you know I can’t fail these courses if I want to graduate-“

“I don’t care,” Douma interrupts. “Christ, all I did was ask you out to lunch, and all you do is think about it your classes? What am I, chopped liver?”

“No,” you say frantically, “of course not. I’m sorry. Please… Please don’t be mad.”

Douma sighs. His expression softens, then; getting up from his chair, he opts to take the spot next to you instead. “I know you’re sorry, my little cherub. You know all I want to do is to be stuck in that pretty little head of yours, right?” With a gentle hum, he slings an arm around your shoulder and nuzzles the top of your head. “You’ll be a good girl for me, won’t you?”

It’s those simple words that makes your tummy flutter and the ice around your heart to melt. This is why you love Douma, after all. Sure, he can be mean sometimes, but he means well.

A smile blossoms across your face as you lean into his warmth. “I promise.”

-

When it comes to playing life, you always act the fool.

Words are cheap, enough said. It just so happens that Douma’s are practically dirt.

Although he knows you’re sorry about focusing on your studies lately, it’s almost if he never drops the subject. He has a point though – he is your boyfriend, after all. It’s just your fault that you have the improper abilities of juggling your love life and schooling at the same time. It’s when he’s attending his own classes that you’re finally able to breathe, even though you feel guilty about thinking that way in the first place.

You still can’t shake off the guilt as you venture through the school’s library, browsing for books your professor recommended for you to better understand the material. It’s a slow process, your eyes scanning over each of the exposed spines. “No… no… no… “ you say to yourself, the quiet mantra continuing on while your search comes up with nothing. “Dammit, why can’t I – ah!”

Before you know it, your body is colliding into someone else’s; as you’re about to take an inevitable tumble and land on your ass, a strong hand grasps onto your forearm while another lands on the small of your back.

“Whoa there! Sorry about that!” a deep, attention-getting voice whisper-yells.

As you open your eyes (you didn’t even realize you closed them to begin with), your met with a boy around your age, eyes bright and blond hair held back with a backwards ballcap. As he flashes you a cheeky smile, you’re struck by how white his teeth are compared to his golden skin, the sharp line of his jaw. Your heart thuds in your chest, and for good reason, too – this man is hot.

“You’re not hurt, are you?” this stranger continues. He pulls you upright, making sure you’re properly balanced before giving you a onceover to check for any bruises.

“I’m alright, thank you,” you say awkwardly. It’s incredible how quickly your body heats up under his gaze despite literally just bumping into the guy. “I wasn’t paying attention anyway, it’s all my fault-“

“Hey,” he interrupts, his eyes crinkling even further, “I wasn’t paying attention either. Don’t take all the blame for yourself, eh?” He sticks out a hand, then, the prominent veins in his forearm and hand instantly catching your attention. “Rengoku Kyojuro, at your service. You can just call me Kyojuro, though.”

Kyojuro.

The name rolls around your brain like a loose bolt. You wonder how it tastes on your tongue, how your lips feel when you say it. “Kyojuro,” you say, testing it out. You immediately decide you like it. Grasping onto his hand, you introduce yourself, an easy smile making its way onto your features before you even realize it. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Right back at ya,” he chirps.

His hand is large and warm. In fact, heat seems to radiate off his body, tempting you to lean in and hold him close.

“Say,” Kyojuro says, a hopeful glint shining in his eyes, “do you want to grab a coffee or something?”

Your heart nearly gets stuck in your throat. For a moment, you think of Douma and what he would he say if he found out about you grabbing coffee with some other guy. However, Kyojuro just seems so nice and, well, perfect.

“Yeah,” you tell him, “I’d love to.”

-

After that fateful meeting, things started to change.

During the free moments you had, you would meet up with Kyojuro, either to go out to eat or simply have a study session together. You quickly found yourself thoroughly enjoying his company, and all for the right reasons. Despite his excitable, bold behavior, he was kind, more so than most people you know. You craved to be in his presence, to have his pearly smile directed at you. Hell, even the thought of him made your heart throb.

Of course, it didn’t take long for Douma to start noticing your “odd” behavior. You acted distant whenever the two of you were together, so much more… closed. What really got him, though, was when he confronted you about it. I found someone else, you had told him, face and voice equally solemn. This is the end of us. Even you were shocked by the mere fact that you had dumped him; after all this time, you were finally free of his cruel words and the endless pain.

“You’re doing it again, sweetie.”

Just like that, you’re snapping back to reality and away from your thoughts. “Sorry,” you mutter, “I was just thinking of… things.”

Even after a few months of ditching Douma for Kyojuro, you still find yourself spacing out. Kneeling on the bed like this, your hand hangs in the air, absentmindedly holding a brush while the other is still holding onto Kyojuro’s blond locks. Turning around fully, Kyojuro’s thick brows furry together as a glint of worry sparks in his eyes. “Hey, hey, look at me,” he urges, taking your face into his hands. “I am not Douma. I’ll never be like him, you got it?” Gently stroking your cheek, he flashes you a soft smile. “I couldn’t bear to put you in pain like that, my sweets. You’re too special for anything like that.”

Oh god, he’s so gentle, so freaking sweet that you’ll get a toothache. As cheesy as it sounds, your heart yearns for him, for his promises, and for his loving touches. You don’t think you’ve ever met someone like this in your life.

“So please,” Kyojuro continues, gaze dropping to your mouth, “trust me.”

And you do. For the love of everything high and mighty, you trust this guy with your entire being. The kiss you two share starts off slow, yet it’s so full of unspoken feeling that it makes your heart soar. You can’t deny the fact that his hands feel good as they trail lower, brushing over your neck and shoulders before settling on your waist. Hell, you love it when he presses you onto your back, his weight hovering over you protectively. Like this, Douma can’t hurt you. Douma can’t even get near you, not when Kyojuro is around, not when he’s treating you this softly.

It didn’t take very long for you to confide in Kyojuro about how your relationship with Douma went. Appalled by Douma’s so-called methods, Kyojuro promised to treat you like the queen you are because you deserve it.

Even as you quake, Kyojuro holds you steady. And he’s always so warm, so wonderfully warm as he rids you of your shirt before following suit. Your fingers drift over the swell of his pectorals, the divots of his abs. Now, things have escalated between you two before, but nothing to this extent. The last person you slept with was Douma, and even then he would degrade you and make you feel like utter trash. But no, not with Kyojuro. Never with Kyojuro.

“You’re gorgeous,” he mutters, mouth slanting over your neck and down your chest. Your heart quickens as mouths your breasts, hands slipping around and unhooking your bra. “And you’re so soft and sweet…” Trailing off, he lifts himself back up, his eyes meeting yours. “You’re perfect, (y/n). I’ll be damned if anybody tells you differently.”

Heart leaping to your throat, you sling your arms around his broad shoulders and pull him back into a kiss. You refuse to let yourself shed any tears, but you can’t deny the dampness gathering in your eyes.

“Pretty girl,” Kyojuro says, mouth beginning its descent once more. This time, he carries on past your chest, lips brushing against your tummy as he carefully removes your pants. Your fingers comb through his hair as little gasps slip through your lips; nuzzling you through your panties, he openly gropes your thighs and ass, deep, rumbling moans vibrating in his chest.

“Kyojuro,” you breathe, back arching as he yanks down your panties and presses his mouth against your quivering pussy. His movements remain slow, but the deep stroke of his tongue inside your pussy or the strong suckling on your clit has you seeing stars. His bright eyes never leave your face, a lustful yet loving expression carved into his handsome features. A slight yank on his hair has him redoubling his efforts; easily bending your thighs to your chest, he works at your pussy vigorously, the lewd noises and his husky groans filling your ears.

“So fucking perfect,” he mutters, thick fingers slipping past your folds. You keen at the touch, your velvety walls fluttering around his digits. “You’re wonderful, my sweets,” he coos, pressing his mouth to the inside of your knee in a quick kiss. “I love you.”

“Kyojuro, please,” you pant. The tears building up in your eyes finally break free as you reach out towards him. “Make love to me… won’t you?”

Drawing away from your dripping pussy, Kyojuro hovers over you, a dazzling grin painted on his face. “Are you sure about that?”

You nod frantically. “Yes. I… I trust you, my love.”

Hearing the pet name tumble from your mouth has Kyojuro’s eyes crinkling. “Anything for you, sweetie,” he purrs, reaching down and undoing his pants. “Everything for you.”

#kny #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer #kny x reader #kimetsu no yaiba x reader #demon slayer x reader #rengoku kyojuro x reader #kyojuro rengoku x reader #rengoku kyojuro #kyojuro rengoku #commission #art trade #azurenocturne

[babybluebex]

no pressure at all! but if you'd want to write more stan!reader x tom I'd really love that

i literally FLEW to my computer to write this i love the concept of stan!reader so much ((also i tried second person writing here??? i actually like it a lot more than first whoops))

little one [tom holland x reader]

➽ pairing: tom holland x stan!fem!reader (y/n) ➽summary: when you find out you’re pregnant, you worry about how tom and your brother will react. ➽ word count: 1.6k ➽ warnings: angst, pregnancy, a lot of exposition that doesn’t matter tbh  ➽a/n: enjoy!! masterlist & taglist in my bio

Sebastian stood at the door to your room, just looking. It seemed like a lifetime ago that you had moved in with him, when you were just the smallest thing. Pink skirt and pigtails, toting your dolly with you. He had been young when you were born, but still an adult; he was in college, living in the dorms when his mother had called him and told him the good news. He remembered the day you were born: he had been sitting in a lecture when his little flip phone started buzzing in his pocket. It was his stepdad, your father, telling him that his sister was coming. He left the lecture early and made it to the hospital just in time to be the first person to hold you. He was instantly devoted. 

You moved in with him when you were six. His mom had told him that she needed to move back to Romania and that she planned to bring you, and panic had filled his chest. “No, no,” he said. “Sh-She just started school! She doesn’t speak the language, she’s making all kinds of friends here! Mom, you can’t relocate her, you just can’t.” 

“What else can we do?” your mother asked. “Are you going to watch her?”

A month later, Sebastian was your legal guardian. He came to school plays and parent-teacher conferences, he cleaned up your skinned knees, and he read you stories every night. The two of you had gotten into a habit of falling asleep next to each other, and it got to the point where the bed felt too empty without you. Too cold, too lonely.

When you were twelve, you and Sebastian moved into a new apartment. It was bigger and better suited for two people, and you got a big-girl room. You started sleeping in your own bed, but you had no idea the effect it had on your brother. He couldn’t sleep without you next to him, digging your heels into his back and taking up all the blankets. So, he picked his happy ass up out of bed and, making sure to bring his own blanket, came to linger in your doorway. “I… I can’t sleep without you,” he mumbled. 

“You’re a grown man, Seb,” you said; he was always amazed at the little lady you had become, a smart girl with a biting sarcasm, even when you were little. 

“Yeah, and every night for the past six years, I’ve had your feet in my back,” Sebastian said. He settled into your bed next to, and added, “Now, move over, munch, or I’ll drag you back to mine.” 

Sebastian leaned his head against the doorframe, looking at the room. The walls had once been pink but were now an off-white, more becoming of a young woman, and the band posters were replaced with art prints and collages of you with your friends. Sure, he knew everybody grew up eventually, and he liked you as an adult, but sometimes he missed the little girl who was missing her two front teeth. 

The door to the apartment slammed closed, and Sebastian unwillingly pulled himself from his daydream. “Hey, munch!” he called. “How was Tom?”

Back on Valentine's Day, when you told him about you and Tom, he was instantly thrilled. Even though he outwardly seemed like he didn’t like Tom, he knew that Tom would treat you like the princess you were. And, for the past few months, he had been. Flowers were sent to the apartment on a near-weekly basis, handwritten letters came in the mail regularly, and Sebastian often heard little giggling coming from your room when Tom would call you. He had seen you smitten over guys before, but Tom Holland was a different breed. 

After a date with Tom, you were guaranteed to be talking up a storm, but you were quiet. “Munch?” Sebastian called. “Y/N?”

There was a sniffle from the living room, and a meek, “Seb?” 

Sebastian’s heart fell, and he hurried to see you on the couch, the comfy tufted leather that Mackie had so highly praised. You were crying, your knees drawn up to your chest. “No, no, no,” Sebastian cooed and hugged you tightly. “What happened, darling, is everything okay? Did Tom say something? Did you guys… Did you guys break up?” 

You shook your head and opened your mouth, as if to speak, but a sob left instead. Your chest was so heavy, and you knew that admitting this to Sebastian-- to anyone-- would make it too real but the secret was killing you. You had known that you were pregnant for nearly a month now, but you didn’t want to tell anyone. You knew that your brother would say that you’re too young and that Tom would say that he had a career to think about. And, on a small level, you knew that was true. You couldn’t ask Tom to dismantle his life plans for you and a baby. 

“Talk to me, darling,” Sebastian whispered. “What’s wrong?” 

You sniffled and leaned into your brother’s warmth, and your tears became new. Sebastian would flip shit, you knew it. “I--” You started. “Please don’t be mad at me, please, I can’t take it right now--” 

“Hey, hey,” Sebastian said quickly. “I could never be mad at you. Please, talk to me. You’re breaking my heart here, Y/N.” 

You settled your cheek into Sebastian’s chest, and the emotions ran hot in your face and chest and belly. “Seb,” you whispered. “I… I’m pregnant.” 

A million different emotions ran through his brain at once. Elation, anger, confusion, and so much more. “You…” he started. “You’re--”

“I’m so scared, Seb,” you whispered. “W-What if Tommy wants to break up with me?” Your breaths came in quick, sharp gasps, and Sebastian held you tightly to try to ease the anxiety. He was prone to anxiety attacks like this too, and you had learned how to settle him down, but he hardly ever had to do it to you. You were so grounded, so level-headed and serious. This was the most emotionally unhinged that he had seen you in years. 

The sounds of your crying died away, and you found your ears full of deep whispers. You had learned bits and pieces of Romanian growing up-- enough to pull out as a party trick-- but could never fluently speak it like your mom and your brother could, but you recognized the sound of it. Sebastian was whispering Romanian to you in a lilting voice, and it took you a moment to place it. A song; a lullaby. Sebastian was singing you a lullaby. The sound of it eased your nerves enough to dry up your tears, and you sniffled a bit as you sat up, shedding your big brother’s protective embrace. 

“Look,” Sebastian began. “I know I act like a dick to Tom a lot, but… I really like him. I wouldn’t have let him stick around if I didn’t. I trust him to do the right thing here.” 

“B-But what if he doesn’t?” You whimpered. “Wh-What if he does leave?”

“If he leaves, it’s his own fucking loss,” Sebastian told you. “That baby doesn’t need anybody but you and me, right? I’ve got you, darling. I’ve always had you.”  

You nodded because, once again, your older brother was the wiser of you. You knew that everything he said was true, even if your whole body hadn’t quite absorbed it yet. Tom would be a great dad; and if he wasn’t, you had Sebastian. “Can you stay with me?” You asked, grabbing your brother’s hand. “I-I’m gonna call him.” 

“Sure thing, munch,” Sebastian said, and he settled his arm around your shoulders. His little sister, the same little girl that cried at Bambi and Bucky falling off the train, was going to be a mom. Where did the time go?, he wondered. 

The phone rang out quickly, and Tom answered it swiftly. “Hey,” he said. “I just dropped you off, is everything alright?” 

You took a deep breath. Your heart was beating so quickly that you could hear it in your ears, and you mumbled, “Yeah, yeah, I just… I have something to tell you.” 

“Oh,” Tom said. “Sure. What’s going on?” 

Sebastian’s gaze was fixed on you, and he gave you a prompting nod. “Tommy, I…” You started. It was real. This was real now. “I’m pregnant.” 

There was silence on the other end of the line, long and potent enough for anger to start to flare in Sebastian’s stomach. “Are you serious?” Tom whispered finally. His voice was static-y over the phone, and you couldn’t place his emotions at all. 

“I’m so sorry, Tom--”

“Sorry for what?” And then there was a laugh. “Are you really pregnant? Please don’t be kidding with me, you don’t know how happy this makes me!”

Sebastian gave a sigh of relief, and he wiped one of your tears away with his thumb. “I really am,” you told him. “You’re not mad?”

“Why the fuck would I be mad?” Tom laughed. “I’m gonna be a dad! I’m gonna be a dad, Y/N! Thank you, thank you! I love you so much, baby, you have no idea. Does Sebastian know yet?”

“Yeah,” you said. “He’s the first one I told.” 

“Oh, no,” Tom whispered. 

“Yeah, oh no,” Sebastian said. “Dating my sister’s one thing, Holland, but knocking her up is different. What, you’ve got an aversion to condoms or something? I’m gonna kill you.” 

“Hey, Sebastian,” Tom chuckled lightly. “Look, it was an accident--”

“Oh, ‘cause that makes it better?” Sebastian scoffed. “Jesus Christ, you’re lucky you’re not here right now--”

“Shut up, both of you,” you sighed. “Tommy, you swear you’re not mad?” 

“Why would I be mad?” Tom repeated. “I’m so thankful. Thank you, my love, thank you.”

#tom holland #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland x reader #tom holland angst #tom holland fluff #tom holland x reader angst #tom holland x reader fluff #sebastian stan fanfiction #sebastian stan fluff #sebastian stan angst #literally writing this is such a self insert bc my brother is a lot older than me and acts JUST how i'm making seb act #so i guess yall are meeting my brother matthew here too #lol

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

idk how many people would even want to see this BUT i wanna yell about Leela and Brax so here's a list of all their scenes togethr/scenes pertainng to them that i can recall (pLEASE add on if i missed anything/ you have any additional thoughts!! i could talk about these two all day!)

right off the bat in Weapon of Choice when Leela is on the outskirts of the Citadel and Brax goes to bring her back (which is interesting in and of itself, bc usually i would imagine a chancellery guard would go do that so what made Brax decide to instead??), Leela kinda goes off at him bc she's hurting and instead of trying to actually explain what's going on Brax doesn't even try to argue he just says "we need you" which is great bc Leela has that instinctive desire to be needed and to help people and he's speaking right to that -- also as far as we know, this is Leela and Brax's first actual meeting in canon? it's implied that they know of each other, which makes sense, but it doesn't seem like they've ever directly interacted before: Brax seems almost slightly uncertain, and Leela is combative, but when he's gentle with her she's actually quite receptive

the literal next scene after that, where the OT4 is all in one room for the first time (they still kinda hate each other at this point but still !!!). Narvin explaining Gryben and being a real jerk about it and Leela (understandibly!) questions if Gryben is a prison world, and Brax (who to this point has been mostly quiet as Narvin and Romana brief Leela) jumps in to both clarify Narvin's previous xenophobic statements while also maintaining the inherent questionable/negative connotations

(btw it's actually pretty important to note that Romana self-edits herself a lot when talking to Leela, especially in the earlier seasons; you can actually hear her revising the things she says to put it in terms that she thinks Leela will better understand. and i mean she does it out of genuine consideration for her friend associate but it often comes across as varying levels of patronizing. Narvin also obviously "dumbs things down" when dealing with Leela early on, but like... Brax never does that on any level. the only difference i can tell in how he addresses Leela vs how he talks to anybody else is that he seems much more kind with her than almost anyone else???)

their conversation about the Matrix in The Inquiry: this is REALLY important (and if you've ever talked to me on ao3 i've probably gone off to you about it lol) because it's layered. they're talking about the Matrix but they're also not because in answering Leela's question Brax is making a very thinly veiled allegory (which he outright states a minute later) to Time Lord society/politicians/most importantly HIMSELF -- he's actually strangely open about his morals/beliefs in this scene and i'm living for it tbh -- and i find it very interesting that even though he does directly explain what he means ("how do you know all this?" / "because i am a politician.") he also leaves it for Leela to work out the implications. like it's a very nuanced conversation bc there's double meaning in it and most people on Gallifrey seem to think that Leela is tone-deaf and can't pick up on that stuff (even Romana sometimes oversimplifies things to her) but Brax totally just lets her take from it what she will bc he believes her intelligent enough to understand. he doesn't think her any lesser because she's human.

ALSO on a secondary note to the above: the fact that Leela has a question/needed clarification (sorry, haven't listened to this in a while i forget how it actually happened) and actively sought out Brax to talk to about it?? like she knows Romana better she could have gone to her but i feel like Leela kinda imprinted on Brax and someone she can go to for help if she needs it; maybe it's partly bc she knows he's under marginally less pressure than Romana is but also the truth of the matter is that Brax was the most genuinely helpful person to her in the previous stories and that probably means a lot to her (esp. bc he acts like the essence of everything she hates about Gallifrey but he doesn't treat her the way she would expect from that). btw this topic is gonna come up again in a hot minute

that part where Brax gives her that information that might help her re: the Andred thing, even though he really probably shouldn't have done that -- it kinda makes me think about what he must have been like with Theta tbh???

actually this is mostly my own conjecture but there's some neat stuff in Spirit bc during the *waves hand vaguely* bodyswap dream sequence thing, Romana is very "!!!! Brax can help us !!!" which is tecnically Leela brain talking, so like there's the implications of the stuff i've said above about Leela having this idea of Brax where she knows he's someone she can go to for help

can u tell i'm soft for them

Leela sounding really sad/distracted when she talks about how Brax isn't there YES i'm grasping at straws but a lot of this relationship really is conveyed through the voice acting bc of how little direct focus there is on the characters. there's actually several scenes in Mindbomb where she mentions him and she outright says that she misses him during her discussion with Matthias

that implied scene with them in Mindbomb!! i have a Lot of thoughts about that!!! it's all conjecture and fanfic fodder!!! but the reason i mention this is because it seems pretty meta that out of the whole Gally Gang, it's Leela who first sees Brax when he comes back to Gallifrey and in turn she's the first person (besides Matthias, i guess) that he sees upon his return?? idk i just feel like that's somehow a meaningful detail??? also her reaction of utter shock after spending the entire episode missing him and how worked up she is when she tries to tell Romana, like I desperately need to know what happened in this missing scene MR RICHARDS PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED

Leela insisting on going with Brax when Pandora starts hurting him and their whole conversation there is just. so good. like they're both just so soft and then when Darkel comes in Leela instantly goes into protective mode. like they just have such an open relationship bc Brax doesn't even try to be all pretentious with her, like he doesn't even try to keep up any facades when he's with her he's just very genuine and it really says a lot about both of them -- Leela is so good at seeing people, like getting down to the core of who people are and what makes them them (which is why she's good for Romana, btw, bc Romana has a lot of identity issues) and Brax is so tangled up in who he presents himself as that he barely knows who he actually is anymore but Leela can see that and she makes it so he can truly be himself and he doesn't have to hide. also she's so gentle with him when they talk about Pandora, she's very caring and empathetic and wants to make sure he's okay and i am WEAK

it's been a hot while since i listened to Panacea but I think i remember Brax being really soft with Leela when he first brings the gang to the Axis, like just sounding really glad to see her

ok other than the fact that Brax is lowkey relatable in Reborn (daydreaming fanfic about yourself/people you know? simping for Mary Tamm Romana? yeah mood, my man) there's that scene where they're first appraoching the Citadel on the alt!Gallifrey and it seems like none of them, and Brax specifically, have seen it from the outside in a good long while bc he's very in awe and he tells Leela that he wishes she could see it and he sounds sO hEcKiNg sOFT oh my word-

and once again with Leela thinking of Brax as someone she trusts for help: in Dissassembled when everything is going to crap she straight-up says that she wants to go find Brax bc he'll know what to do/be able to help

at the beginning of Annihilation when Romana is depressed and questioning if Brax truly was her friend and Leela INSTANTLY, NO HESITATION assures her that he was; i lost where i had her exact lines written down but she actually kinda goes off to make sure Romana gets the point

literally forcing myself to talk about this bc it makes my brain stall out but like,,, the Brax Hound in Annihilation,,, Leela being like "goodbye, Braxiatel... again" she sounds so sad and like UGH i always kinda forget how sad it actually is for them to lose Brax in Dissassembled bc like, it was so sudden and they didn't get to say goodbye and Leela is always losing people and i have many many feels about this scene and how all that emotion is made very clear in how they each respond to the Hound (might make a separate post abt this later if anyone is interested ::eyes::)

Enemy Lines is utter bullcrap about these two and I will never stop being salty about how they not only sidelined the very good, very subtle friendship they had in s1-4, but they??? made Leela acutally not trust Brax??? when literally this entire time she's been the one person who probably genuinely trusts him the most?? what the heck, David

I haven't heard TW3 or 4 yet but i'm assuming there's nothing worthwhile in those with regards to this duo (correct me if i'm wrong tho lol, i would love to be mistaken in this assumption)

TL;DR Leela and Brax mututally imprinted on each other and have probably the most open and healthy relationship within the OT4 and it is an absolute CRIME that nobody besides Gary Russell and Justin Richards cared enough to actually build on it in canon

#Lu rambles #long post #meta #Gallifrey audios #big finish audios #leela of the sevateem #chara tag: then reason is a liar #irving braxiatel #(still don't have a chara tag :(( ) #weapon of choice #the inquiry #spirit #mindbomb #panacea #reborn #dissassembled #annihilation #i relistened to Mindbomb again to factcheck myself #i forgot how much good brax-leela stuff there is in it #the last time i heard it was pre-this duo taking over my braincells #relationship: remember your heart

[mypoisonedvine]

Satisfied | Andy Barber x reader (chapter 3)

(chapter 1) (chapter 2) 

series summary: you’re the only lawyer in Boston who can get under Andy Barber’s skin, but you didn’t realise that he was trying to get under your clothes.  as is the nature of law, it’s only a matter of time before the truth is discovered.

word count: 4.3k

warnings: smut, rough sex, safewording, oral (f receiving), angst, non-linear storytelling/flashbacks

a/n: I wrote this series originally with my friend joyce, and after she deactivated some of the chapters were lost.  this series is long-since completed, but I’m reposting now so people can still read!

You stretched a little, eyes still closed to protect them from the blinding sunlight peeking in. Daylight had crept up on you, and it came quickly. You were sure that you had only fallen asleep a mere few minutes before you woke; muscles sore from overexertion. Letting out a groan, you shifted your body once again trying to get comfortable. 

Andy really did a number on your body and you needed a deep stretch to try and regain some control over your aching muscles. You turned and looked at him. Andy was peaceful. His brows were relaxed and his mouth was slightly agape. You hadn’t realized just how badly you missed seeing him like that. So much so that you caught yourself just in time. Your hand had almost reached his cheek before pulling back.

“Stop moving,” Andy mumbled from beside you. When you did not quit the shuffling, he groaned and wrapped his arms around your body, trapping you beneath his weight. 

It caused you to hesitate and freeze for a second. His body heat radiated onto your naked body. His skin against yours. Memories of the night before flooded your mind and it’s then that you realized that the feeling of his body was ingrained in your existence.

“Andy…” you whispered but he ignored you, snuggling back into the sheets instead. It felt almost domestic. And wrong. It felt really wrong. Maybe it was the fact that it reminded you of being young, and in love, again.

In love with Andy.

---

“We should do this again sometime,” Andy beamed as you got up off the bed and pulled your t-shirt back over your head from where it had been tossed onto the floor.  Ah yes, the telltale smile of a man who just got laid.

“Andy, I probably should’ve been more clear,” you admitted.  “I’m not looking for a relationship.  I’m too busy, and I’ve always felt that single women are taken more seriously in law school.”

You expected him to question it, but he nodded.  “Yeah, that is probably true.  Fucked up, but true.”

He hopped up and followed you before you could walk to the bathroom, turning you around with a hand on your shoulder.  “Does that mean that we can’t do this again?”

“Oh, we’re definitely going to do it again,” you grinned, biting your bottom lip.  “Just, not as boyfriend and girlfriend.”

He seemed happy enough with that answer, if not ecstatic. 

“But for now, I need to study, so get out of my room,” you chuckled, watching him redress with a satisfied smirk on your face.

---

Another party, another stupid performative social event, another red plastic cup with god knows what in it that you have no intention of actually drinking.  Or at least you had no intention when you walked in.

Andy was better at this.  People actually cheered when he came into the room— but admittedly he was also holding booze so, they might have been cheering for that.  But they were still happy to see him, and who wouldn’t be?  You were too, but you tried to hide it.  The company line was still that you two didn’t care much for each other, and it was… somewhat true, he still got on your nerves, but you undeniably had a soft spot for him.  Perhaps literally.

You decided you could pull him aside for a chat once, that wouldn’t be too suspicious.  But it couldn’t be right as he walked in, so you were basically just counting the minutes in your head until you could talk to him.  But then you were just trying to not get caught looking at him every 30 seconds.  How was he so… attractive?  Not just hot, but magnetic.  Guys jumped over to laugh with him.  Girls hung off his arm while he told hilarious stories.  And here you were, across the room staring because you didn’t want to be a part of his harem.

Speaking of harem, he seemed to have a new fan tonight, and she was hanging onto his every word.  You’d seen her around before— Jessie something, most likely short for Jessica but at the moment you decided it was short for Jezebel.  She was cute.  Gorgeous, actually.  One of those girls who looked like she just got up in the morning and brushed her hair and was already model-perfect.  You tried not to hate that about her, you tried not to hate her because she was just a beautiful girl talking with this amazing, charismatic guy and you had no reason to be mad at her because she was just— oh my fucking god did she just grab his bicep???  SKANK!

You left the party quickly after that, deciding you didn’t like the person you were becoming.  One of the many, many reasons you’d sworn not to get involved with guys in law school was because you knew how women could get defensive and territorial over men, and you were never going to prioritize getting dick over being a good feminist.  How had you already fallen so far?

You were grateful for the half-empty bottle of Fireball in your cupboard. It was to be your companion to drown out the sorrows. You hoped that it would be enough to make you forget what you saw. Especially the fact that Jezebel and Andy would have made a good couple. They looked good together. Not right. But good nonetheless.

---

“...the defendant clearly has the mental capacity for there to be mens rea. He should be prosecuted and I don’t understand how I am the only person that thinks so,” Andy tugged at his hair in frustration as you walked beside each other down the hall. “I think it’s ridiculous that--”

“Are you fucking that Jessie chick?” you suddenly interjected, trying (and failing) to curb the anger bubbling in your stomach. Andy’s eyebrows shot up and you felt a sense of dissatisfaction at the response. He proceeded to drag you into an empty classroom.

“You have no right to be jealous,” he reminded you firmly.  “We’re not dating.” 

“I know, I know. Who said that I’m jealous?” you frowned, but your voice was a lot higher than usual, “but that doesn’t mean I’m down to catch whatever cooties you get from her.”

“You think I’m gonna sleep with her?” he asked incredulously.

“Uh, yeah,” you retorted with a heavy layer of patriotism, “and everyone else thinks so, too.”

He reached out and cupped your face, tilting it up to make sure you were looking at him.  “Just because we’re not together… doesn’t mean I want anybody else.” He looked so sincere and sounded so soft that it took you aback. You had never expected Andy to say that. Ever.

“I… what?”

“Baby,” he sighed, and your heart tensed a little, “you’re the reason I’m not your boyfriend.  I don’t want to date anybody else, I don’t want to be with anybody else… you’re it.  Just you.”

“Oh,” you nodded with wide eyes.

“Are you… seeing other people?  Not that you can’t, I just… I didn’t think you were.”

“No, no,” you dismissed, “I only… no.”

“Then let’s make it official.  You have no reason to be jealous.  Be my girlfriend.”

“But I—”

“We don’t have to tell people,” he quickly backpedaled.  “I know you don’t want to be seen as half of a couple, or an extension of me or something.  But I wanna be able to call you my girlfriend.  Even if I can’t actually tell anybody about it.”

You looked at him, making sure he wasn’t joking or messing around before slowly nodding. His face lit up, “but we have to keep it on the down-low,” you reminded him quickly, to which he nodded.

“That we do. Verity would advocate for our expulsion if she knew.” Your eyes went wide with fear. Andy was right. It had the potential to completely decimate your career.

“Andy, we can’t tell anyone about this,” you whispered sharply, “especially now that we’re on a case together.”

“Calm down, baby,” he soothed. It was the first time he called you that since you became secretly-official and it sounded different now, somehow; it made your stomach flutter a little. “Trust me, I know, and it will be fine. Verity won’t find out.”

“Okay,” you nodded, believing him, “however, you really shouldn’t be calling Dr. Verity Woods, J.D. Esq. by her first name alone.”

“You don’t need to use her full name and title,” Andy laughs, “she said it’s fine to call her by her first name. You were there.”

“That I was. But it doesn’t feel right, especially since she’s leading the case.”

Andy shook his head and smiled. You really were something else but he needed it. He needed you. Even all of the crazy and particular aspects of your personality. “Speaking of her, I need to go to her office in—” Andy looked at his watch— “shit, 10 minutes.”

“Well, go, run,” you gestured at the door and Andy bolted out, not even having the time to peck your lips. You waited a few moments before leaving the room, not wanting to attract any attention.

---

“Hey, cupcake,” he cooed and then kissed your ear. Without having to look at him, you knew that he had a smug grin on his face and enjoyed the teasing.

“You eat one cupcake one time and suddenly it becomes your whole identity,” you groaned with a roll of your eyes. Andy’s body pressed up against yours and you tried to push him off but the warmth of his body was far too comforting.

“But you looked so cute when you got frosting on your nose,” he recalled.  

“Go away,” you giggled and squealed as Andy tickled you, “s-stop it.”

“Come on, cupcake, you can do better than that,” Andy continued to tickle you until you fell on the floor in a giggling heap, “all you have to do is let me call you cupcake.”

“Andy—” you squealed. “Barber, you better stop this right now!” Your stomach hurt from the laughter as his fingers dug into your waist making you scream.

“Come on, cupcake.”

“N-no!”

“Since that’s the case, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing.” 

“Fine!  Fine,” you relented, “you win.”

---

You looked around the sterile reception as you took a seat on the plush sofa and looked out of the window. The California sun shone into the room illuminating everything in its path. You weren’t running away, you told yourself repeatedly. Maybe you would believe it at some point. It was simply that you needed a change of scenery.

One thing that you were sure of was that you were more than qualified for the job. And that should be enough. But it came at a cost. Your personal life. It had always been on the back-burner for you but you had to accept you had chosen the lonely path. 

Nobody had ever told you just how much you, as a woman, had to sacrifice to be successful. And so you learnt the hard way. Your friends told you that you had made your bed so you had to lie in it. They were not wrong but they did nothing to ease the vacancy in your heart. 

Flicking through one of the magazines on the table, you let it distract you from the ticking clock. It seemed that you were the only person that was there for the job which should have eased your nerves. But you haven’t always been the first choice. 

---

“Am I remembering correctly that you were valedictorian of your class?” the man across from you had your resume in front of him and was still unable to get it right. Maybe the job was not right for you. But it was a better offer than still being in Boston.

“Salutatorian,” you corrected coldly, gaze piercing. You tapped your nails on the table as the interviewer tried to regain his posture. 

“Oh, well,” he shrugged, “that’s still pretty good.”

Pretty good.  You didn’t believe in stuff like that.  There was greatness, and nothing else.  “Well, that’s the past,” you quickly shut off the conversation about your greatest failure and threw the man a tight-lipped smile.

“So,” he cleared his throat, “what makes you think that you will be suitable for the role?”

The fear left your system. You were sure of yourself. You were more than qualified. 

---

“Time to get up for breakfast,” Andy roused you from your sleep. You had no idea when you went back to sleep but it was your turn to groan. “Don’t make me wake you up; you won’t like that.”

“I’m tired. Leave me alone, Barber,” too tired and sore to really care about eating or the punishment. That being said, you were a little hungry after missing dinner.

“I know you’re sore so don’t make me wake you up,” he warned but you still refused to pay him any mind. That was your mistake as Andy ripped the covers from your body; exposing it to the chilly morning air. 

“What are you doing?” 

Andy didn’t respond. Instead, his face went to your core. “Fuck, you’re so pretty,” he cooed, “I think it’s time for you to wake up.” He licked a stripe across your sex and watched it glimmer in the light. Fisting the blankets beneath you, your back arched involuntarily.

You let out a breathy moan when he parted your folds to allow his tongue better access to your dripping cunt. He licked and explored your body like it was the first time he was given the privilege. 

“Taste so good,” his voice reverberated through your body sensing little shocks of pleasure through you. Andy suckled on your clit making you cry out. His beard scratched the soft skin of your inner thigh and your sensitive folds. The contrast of his soft, wet tongue and his rough beard made your eyes roll back.

“Andy,” you mewled, “please.”

“What do you want?” Andy taunted you. Your body kept moving; your hands tugging at the sheets. You needed him to do more. He was teasing you. “Words, my little fuckdoll.”

You were unable to form any coherent sentences when Andy had such control over your body. He inserted one finger into your aching core, massaging your walls. “You have to use your words or I’ll stop now seeing as you’re awake.”

“No,” you rushed out. “P-please let me come.” You had no dignity left but you were too far gone to care. You needed Andy’s mouth and fingers too badly. 

“Well,” Andy clicked his tongue as his lips curled into a smile, “since you asked so nicely...”

---

Unable to find your clothes fast enough, you found a discarded Harvard sweatshirt of his and slipped it on, smiling to yourself at the bagginess. Looking down at the left sleeve, you realized that it was the same one you wore when you were dating. It made you feel a little nostalgic. The sweatshirt was practically yours.

You emerged from the bedroom to find him in the kitchen with an apron on-- why the fuck did he own an apron?-- and messing around at the stove.  He must have heard you enter because he turned to you with a smile.

“Huevos rancheros!” he announced with a smile, lifting the pan for you to see.

You looked to him, and the pan of eggs, and around his stylish condo worthy of an ADA’s inflated salary, and shivered with the overwhelming sense of ‘wrong’. That was even in spite of your rumbling stomach. “Andy, stop, this is all too much. Too domestic,” you whispered, unable to look at Andy when you said it.

“Don’t say that. Don’t say things like that,” Andy pleaded, “I just want to see you.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Exactly what I said. I want to see you.”

“You’ve seen me before.”

“But I can’t remember the last time that I saw the real you,” Andy’s words made your stomach turn. “I don’t know the last time I saw the you that I fell in love with all those years ago.”

“She doesn’t exist anymore, Andy,” you whispered, “you need to let her go.  God knows I did.”

“No, she’s not. I don’t believe that,” he argued; heart breaking by the second, “she’s still there, I’m certain of that. You wouldn’t end up here so often if she doesn’t exist. And you wouldn’t be so upset about not being valedictorian.”

“We shouldn’t keep doing this, Andy,” you decided with a sigh as you found your purse and attempted to gather your things.  Where the fuck were your clothes again?

“No. You don’t get to say that,” he raised his voice, shedding his apron as he left the kitchen, “you can’t just waltz back into my life and keep... taking. It’s not fair.”

“Taking?  I’m not taking anything, you’re throwing yourself on me!  I don’t know what you want from me, Andy,” you sighed, placing your purse on the sofa.

“The same thing that I’ve always wanted.”

“Maybe it’s not what I want,” you lied through your teeth. “Have you ever thought about that?”

“Then why do you keep coming back?” Andy’s voice cracked. You knew that you were hurting him. And yourself. But there was no other way. 

“Because I love being humiliated, and you are the most embarrassing thing I could possibly be involved with.  Because you already know all my fucked up kinky shit and I’d rather keep the number of people who know that down to a minimum.  Because when I walk home after seeing you I feel fucking sick to my stomach and filthy and stupid and I like it.  Because I love the way that fucking you makes me hate myself.”

“I’m used to you lying to me, but I think now’s a good time for you to stop lying to yourself,” he shouted, the vein in his neck appearing.  You were shocked to realize that you had actually hurt him. Badly.  “Actually, it’s more than overdue. You’ve been doing it for what? Ten years?”

 “Why can’t you just admit to yourself that you want this?” He pointed at the house, and then himself. “That you want me.” His voice was so strained that you felt a little guilty.

“I don’t want you.”

“That’s not the impression I got last night. Or this morning. You were just begging for me.”

Something about arguing with him was so erotic.  Was that a strange thing to think?  It certainly made court a lot more interesting.  And now you found your gaze trailing greedily over his body and as it met his eyes once more, you saw that he knew what you wanted.  That you were falling back into this cycle again.

“If you want me to want you again,” you hissed, “you’re gonna have to make me beg, aren’t you?”

He slammed into you, tossing you down onto the sofa as he slid his own sweatshirt up your body, latching his lips onto your nipple which was embarrassingly already hard.

“You say it like I’ve not been making you beg since you were twenty-two,” he growled, teeth grazing your sensitive skin.

“I can’t seem to remember that.”

“Well I guess it’s time for me to remind you, then,” he swiped a finger across your (already wet) folds and looked at his slick-coated fingers with pride. He had always loved the way you glistened on his skin.

He pushed your back down until you arched it for him.  “Get that ass up, baby.”  You moaned when he slapped your ass quickly, tugging on your hair to arch your back even further.  “Want me to put this cock in you?”

“Please,” you whimpered.

“You can do better than that,” he tutted disappointedly.

You stopped yourself from responding because you knew you would say more than you should.  He leaned down and pressed his lips right against your ear.

“We both know it, just say it,” he encouraged in a low voice.

“Fuck you,” you hissed.  He slipped his hand around your neck and tightened until your face tingled from the loss of blood.

“Don’t say anything until you’re ready to be honest,” he instructed, finally slipping his cock into you— and even though you couldn’t breathe or moan or speak, you managed to react plenty strongly to the feeling anyways.  You were outrageously sore from a long night of fucking and the pain burned just the right way.

He began to move his hips, each time, the base of his cock would brush against your overstimulated clit. Each thrust hitting that one place that made your body quiver. But then it got a bit too much. The stretch and burn of his cock and the hand around your throat.

“Objection!” you yelped your safeword, and instantly he stilled, slipping his arms around you and holding you close.  Tears started to pour against your will.  “I’m sorry,” you whimpered. “I can’t believe that after all this time you still remembered…”

“Never apologize,” he hushed, kissing your shoulder.  “I went too hard on you. And I could never forget a safeword like that,” he laughed softly.

“No, no, I just… I got a little overwhelmed.  It’s not your fault.”

“Do you want a glass of water?” he asked lightly.  “I’ll help you get dressed…”

“No, stay,” you requested.

“Okay,” he nodded, a little surprised.  “Tell me how to help you.”

“Just hold me,” you shivered, “like you used to.  Back when you liked me.”

He chuckled.  “I like you.  Even now; I always have… especially when you didn’t think that I did.”

“We’ll see if you say that in court tomorrow.”

“Almost certainly will not,” he admitted, eliciting a small smile from you.

He pulled you down to lay on his chest as he relaxed into the sofa.  His fingers delicately ran along your skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake, and you let your breathing steady back to normal as your eyes fell shut. 

You looked up at him after a while and appreciated the peaceful look on his face.  It wasn’t something you saw on him often, since you were always pissing him off.  Maybe that was why you liked getting on his nerves so much; because when you saw him like this, happy, you remembered feelings you wanted to forget.  But there was also a part of you that just wanted him to feel something about you when he saw you.  The opposite of love is not hate but indifference… and even if you didn’t want him to love you, and knew that he could never love you again, you couldn’t live with indifference. 

You sat up and he looked at you but you said nothing, just leaning down and kissing him again.  He kissed you back, slipping his hand around the back of your neck to hold you close.  His breathing against your face began to speed up a bit as you straddled him with your legs, rubbing your hips along his again.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” he asked softly as you reached down to guide his cock into you one more time. You closed your eyes briefly.

“I’m sure that I’m not okay,” you responded as you moved your hips down and felt him slip inside you, “but I need you right now.”

He nodded and you sat up to plunge yourself down onto his cock, moaning as his length reached deeper into you than normal from this angle.  His hands gripped your hips tightly, not out of any sense of dominance but simply his reaction to the feeling of you as you began to ride him.  You were slow at first, balancing yourself on his chest, but it wasn’t too long until you were bouncing with abandon, moaning his name over and over while he watched you closely.

Your hand fell to his chest and you felt his heartbeat, strong and steady.  You wished you could be so strong as that.  You wished you could be so stable.  

He sat up suddenly, looking at you with a hint of concern.  He must have seen the fear on your face.  He pulled you closer and you still, instead letting him grind deeper into you as he held your face in his hands.

“So beautiful,” he whispered reverently, kissing your collarbone lightly.

“Andy…” you sighed, another tear falling but for an entirely different reason.

“So perfect,” he continued, kisses trailing to your neck.  He wrapped you in his arms and you both moved together in a way that didn’t feel like what you were used to at all.  Your orgasm came and went with only a stuttered gasp but he felt it and praised you all along the way, made some promises he couldn’t keep, said some things you elected to ignore.  

You fell asleep together and stayed that way well into the afternoon, not having gotten the most effective night’s sleep beforehand.  When you woke up to golden light on your face and a snoring Andy Barber, you gave him a quick, tight hug before you got up, finally recovered your clothes, and grabbed the handle of his door.  Something stopped you, though you couldn’t be sure what, and you looked back to watch him on the couch again.  You found yourself setting your purse down and undressing again, trading the wrinkled suit for that stupid Harvard hoodie, and slipping back under his arm on the couch.  You weren’t very tired anymore so you watched him sleep for a bit, running your fingers through his hair and scratching his scalp.  You remembered him liking that before, you hoped he hadn’t changed his mind.  It was a familiar feeling, safe feeling, one that you hadn’t felt in so long.  You couldn’t think about what would happen tomorrow, what had happened yesterday.  You just let yourself swim in the comfort of him for a little while longer.

(next chapter)

#andy barber x reader #andy barber smut