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sciencespies · 4 years

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Photographs Capture Eerie Skies That Cloaked the Bay Area in an Orange Glow

https://sciencespies.com/news/photographs-capture-eerie-skies-that-cloaked-the-bay-area-in-an-orange-glow/

Photographs Capture Eerie Skies That Cloaked the Bay Area in an Orange Glow

SMITHSONIANMAG.COM | Sept. 10, 2020, 4:37 p.m.

Many in California’s Bay Area woke up wondering whether they were on the right planet this week as smoke blotted out the sun and turned the sky a Martian shade of rusty orange. Even at mid-morning on Wednesday the sun remained invisible, leaving the world glowing ominously and prompting cars to keep their headlights on all day, report Steve Rubenstein and Michael Cabanatuan for the San Francisco Chronicle.

Across the state, and even to the north in Oregon and Washington, more than 20 major fires are scorching the landscape, incinerating homes and shrouding the American West in smoke. At least 2.5 million acres have burned in California so far this year, breaking the previous record set in 2018 and exceeding last year’s total 20 times over, report Nico Savidge and Rick Hurd for the San Jose Mercury News.

All those fires are producing so much smoke that it’s actually changing weather patterns in the Bay Area and Northern California. Weather models predicted temperatures in the mid-80 degrees Fahrenheit for the region but the thick layer of smoke mixed with fog kept things cooler by preventing much of the sun’s warmth from reaching the ground.

“We have more large fires surrounding the Bay Area than we’ve ever had,” Craig Clements, director of the Fire Weather Research Laboratory at San Jose State University, tells the Mercury News. Clements describes the cooling effect, known as smoke shading, produced by the ashen veil as “kind of like nuclear winter.”

View of Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco taken from Aquatic Pier.

( Natalie Grant via Twitter )

Orange sky looms over the Crissy Field Center in San Francisco

( Natalie Grant via Twitter )

As for the orange color, KQED’s Kevin Stark explains, “smoke particles scatter blue light, so only yellow, orange and red light reach through, which is what’s causing the sky’s peculiar tinge right now.”

Jan Null, a meteorologist with Golden Gate Weather Services, tells KQED the otherworldly hue may stick around for a few days. “We’re not really looking at a good sea breeze that’s going to help clear out the lower levels,” he says. “Until some of these bigger fires are contained—or we see a significant wind shift aloft—we’re going to wake up to these yellow mornings.”

To the confusion of many, the ochre skies were not immediately accompanied by the smell of smoke. The Bay Area’s foggy, cool marine layer actually kept the smoke from settling down near human noses.

“The fog layer is between us and the smoke. That’s why you’re seeing an orange glow,” Bay Area Air Quality Management District spokeswoman Tina Landis tells the Mercury News. “That’s also keeping the air quality levels lower to the ground at a low level.”

But on Thursday, as the skies returned to a more familiar gray, the air quality worsened, reports Alix Martichoux for local broadcast station ABC 7 News. The network’s meteorologist Mike Nicco says San Francisco and Marin counties both had very unhealthy air this morning.

View of pier with Alcatraz in the distance at Crissy Field

( Natalie Grant via Twitter )

View facing north of the festival pavilion at Fort Mason in San Francisco on September 8.

( Natalie Grant via Twitter )

With so many fires burning, California’s record setting fire season is likely to entail more days of orange skies and smoke-filled air to come. “Until we are able to get these fires put under control and turn off that smoke generation,” National Weather Service meteorologist Roger Gass tells the Mercury News, “we are going to continue to have ebb and flows of smoky and hazy conditions into the foreseeable future.”

The acreage torched by California’s fires is already unprecedented but fire experts say the fires’ behavior has also taken a turn. Drought and warming temperatures caused by climate change have made fire behavior more extreme in the region, fire experts tell Don Thompson of the Associated Press.

“We have seen multiple fires expand by tens of thousands of acres in a matter of hours, and 30 years or more ago that just wasn’t fire behavior that we saw,” Jacob Bendix, an environmental scientist at Syracuse University who studies wildfires, tells the AP.

University of Utah fire expert Philip Dennison tells the AP that “fires in California are moving faster and growing larger” because of the hotter climate, lengthening fire season and a glut of some 140 million dead trees killed during the state’s five year drought.

This year’s blazing fires and scorching heat are symptoms of a 50-year trend that is accelerating due to climate change, Park Williams, a climatologist at Columbia University, tells the AP. “While the magnitudes of the current heat wave and the resultant wildfires have been shocking, they’re consistent with what scientists have been predicting for decades.”

Taken at the bottom of Grandview Park in San Francisco looking over the Sunset District on September 8.

( Yan Zhu via Twitter)

San Francisco fire truck pictured near Marina Green.

( Natalie Grant via Twitter )

View looking east from Aquatic Park Pier in San Francisco.

( Natalie Grant via Twitter )

View from apartment dining room in San Francisco at 8:00 a.m. on September 8.

( Courtesy of Amber Kaplan Ward via Twitter )

Orange skies cloak Fort Mason Park in San Francisco.

( Natalie Grant via Twitter )

View of the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco from Crissy Field.

( Natalie Grant via Twitter )

Orange skies in San Francisco’s Outer Sunset District.

( Adrienne Peña, Instagram @enne.focus via Twitter )

View of Aquatic Park Pier, captured during the morning on September 8.

( Natalie Grant via Twitter )

View of shoreline at Crissy Field on September 8.

( Natalie Grant via Twitter )

View of Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco taken from Aquatic Pier.

( Natalie Grant via Twitter )

#News

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wigwurq · 5 years

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WIG REVIEW: AVENGERS - ENDGAME

You guys can you believe I saw a Marvel movie within like 5 days of its release? I DID IT! AND NOW I CAN WRITE A LOT OF SPOILERS - READ ON ONLY IF YOU HAVE SEEN THIS 3 HOUR MARVEL OPUS TO ITSELF! But what about the wigs? OH GURL. LET’S DISCUSS.

We begin in the Mid-waste (I think?) where Hawkeye has been taking some time out of the fight and hanging by a sleeping tree, Bran-style (oh get ready for a lot of GoT crossover comments as I saw this right after the Battle of Winterfell episode and I might get my nerdy details conflated). Anyhoo, did you know that Hawkeye is married to Linda Cardellini? Is she just the supportive wife in everything? Side note: this fact might have existed in an earlier MCU movie. To be fair, I have seen MOST MCU movies (except Thor 2 and Spider-Man and I’m not correcting that) and only saw the other ones like once so I was going into this movie like most of America: vaguely confused about former facts and really exhausted about where this 3 hour movie was about to take me. ANYWAY, Hawkeye’s entire family vanishes like at the end of Infinity War and ugh I see what you’re doing Endgame: this movie is gonna be a BUMMER.

Iron Man of course lightens the mood with some cute banter with Nebula but also: they’re fully about to die in the space void and did RDJr lose a lot of weight or is this just that Marvel technology they used to make Chris Evans look spindly in the first Captain America? Anyway, things are looking BLEAK but then our girl Captain Marvel shows up and saves the day.

Back on earth, the Avengers are really bummed out about half the population being gone (but not so bummed out that ScarJo and “Best” Chris Evans haven’t taken some time to get haircuts - they look great!) But no time for hair maintenance talk: Brie Larson is ready to go back to space! Also her hair looks good! This movie was made before Captain Marvel and it looks like they just used her real hair and it’s so much better than her wig in that movie.

Anyway, to space! Wait, now Brie is wearing a wig. UGH. Dammit, space! However, I think this is ScarJo’s real blonde hair (a more natural look than her blonde bob wig seen in Infinity War) and what a long strange trip it’s been since Black Widow’s first perm to her mall hair in Age of Ultron and beyond. Thank the lord for this lewk.

So the (remaining) Avengers land on whatever planet Thanos is living on now and apparently he’s using old Avengers costumes as Scarecrows? Ok I know we’re supposed to hate this guy but he’s all for population control, gardens, AND now recycling are we sure we hate him? The Avengers definitely still hate him and after learning that he destroyed all the jewelry he spent all of Infinity War finding, they are PISSED. Thor is so pissed he kills him! Which is a super hot-headed thing to do and is basically as bad as “worst” Chris Pratt’s behavior with Thanos in Infinity War and will these alpha males ever learn??? How are they gonna reverse this whole half of the population missing thing now?

Spoiler (haha these are all spoilers!): THEY DON’T. FIVE EFFING YEARS PASS. And in real movie time, at least like 45 minutes? In which we’re supposed to believe that Black Panther (and other notable Avengers but mainly Black Panther) are going to remain dead. GET ON WITH IT MOVIE. Even more damning: Black Widow is now a sad sad lady making sad sandwiches alone and with THIS HAIR LEWK. I was so damn happy for ScarJo to be wigless and THEN THIS. WHAT IN OMBRE HELL. I think (?) what we’re supposed to think is happening here is that she’s so damn sad that she’s failed at hair maintenance and let her blonde highlights grow out into this mess? Here’s the thing, this wig is actually fine - it looks like real hair - but with A TERRIBLE DYE JOB WHY UGH.

Speaking of new lewks, ScarJo still skypes with the remaining Avengers (bless her heart!) and Captain Marvel went ahead and got THIS HAIRCUT WHAT. I guess the internet can stop talking about how much she needs a scrunchie? I think that this is actually truer to her comic book self but also is giving me all the Lilith Fair vibes (IN A GREAT WAY!) It is still a bad wig in a man wig way (the back taper is a mess) but you’ve gotta love the 90s gelled sideswept bangs for pure nostalgia.

Speaking of nostalgia! Ant-Man is back from the quantum realm and damn am I happy to see Paul Rudd (ALWAYS). He is shocked to learn that five years have passed while he was gone (this storyline is very Flight of the Navigator) and goes to find his now teenage daughter even tho he looks exactly the same (tho this would be true regardless - Paul Rudd doesn’t age). However, she’s all alone in her house with no Judy Greer or Bobby Cannavale in sight and does this mean they’re vanished or just not in this movie? Is this daughter being raised by Michael Pena now? Also why isn’t he there? EVERYONE IS IN THIS MOVIE I DEMAND ANSWERS.

So anyway, Paul Rudd is all: why don’t we just time travel through the quantum realm and get those damn jewels and fix this whole Thanos situation? Best Chris and ScarJo are in, but Michael Douglas and Michelle Pfeiffer are the real pros at this whole quantum realm thing but are definitely vanished (as is Evangelline Lilly) so they go find Iron Man since he’s smart, right? Unfortunately, he is now living in a cabin by a lake and has a daughter (mazel! but this is def gonna throw a wrench into the time travel thing). Also Gwyneth is around looking tanned and vaguely ginger. Her wig is basically a more expensive, highlighted version of Nicole Kidman’s wig in Big Little Lies which is to say: MUCH BETTER BUT STILL PRETTY SHITTY. There is also a “joke” (?) about Gwyneth reading a book about composting which I think was supposed to be a Goop dig but honestly: WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT THIS MOVIE IS ALREADY SO LONG CAN WE JUST GET TO SAVING BLACK PANTHER AND THE OTHERS?

Iron Man def is like: dudes I’m not time traveling - I’m gonna do this whole dad thing WHICH IS FAIR so they go find the like #5 smartest person they know: DR. HULK. There are no pictures of this (that I could find) but Bruce Banner is now living life just AS the Hulk (but not an angry one) so he’s basically a bulky green guy in glasses which is fine but where does he buy those huge cowl sweaters? Asking for myself. Also ScarJo finds Hawkeye in Tokyo being some sort of hooded vigilante with a fauxhawk and guyliner and jeez someone is not dealing well without Linda Cardellini.

Also not dealing well? THOR! #2 Chris is off in Asgard living life with the best supporting characters from Thor: Ragnarok (TAIKA WAITITI 4EVR) and LETTING HISSELF GO. Oh also, Tessa Thompson is there too being a fisherman (?!?!?!) even tho she’s an effing valkyrie how did she get this job?!?! But I have to give full credit to Chris Hemsworth for fully embracing the deglam life here and for the next several hours of this movie. DEGLAM THOR IS EVERYTHING.

However, the wig is obviously terrible. ZZTop beard aside, the wig is these weird dreadlock tendrels which I’m guessing Thor wouldn’t have had time to maintain between playing video games, drinking beer, and eating pizza. Side note: I was really disappointed that he wasn’t eating Billy’s Pan Pizza (Lisbeth Salander’s #1 food choice in Sweden through all of those terrible books) which I actually tried in Iceland once and spoiler alert: original flavor INVOLVES HAM. Just saying: the devil’s in the details. Anyway, Thor and Iron Man decide to give this whole time travel thing a try (why not?) AND YES ONCE REASSEMBLED, IRON MAN’S FIRST POINT OF BUSINESS IS MAKING A BIG LEBOWSKI JOKE.

Iron Man somehow whips up some time travel gps bracelet and holy shit all of the Avengers movies are literally about jewelry. Then it’s on to making some sweet new time travel suits, Hawkeye gelling up that fauxhawk, and away we go to the quantum realm! Nothing bad can happen!

First stop: the first Avengers movie! OH GOD I SEE WHAT THEY’RE DOING HERE. The MCU literally made a plot where they could journey back to all the other MCU movies like a greatest hits tour and THIS MOVIE IS ENDLESS. This also involves journeying back to the ghosts of wigs past AND GURL I’M SHOOK. I guess I have to give credit to the MCU for wig consistencies - these wigs are as shitty as the originals! - and I guess they saved a lot in the already nonexistent wig budget. Also TILDA EFFING SWINTON IS THERE. This cast, dudes. Dr. Hulk and Tilda have a whole Back to the Future (which they make fun of in this movie, btw and I wasn’t here for it) discussion about time travel that I pretty much zoned out on until Tilda was just like eff it: here’s the jewelry you want, you seem pretty chill now, Dr. Hulk.

Oh and Tom Hiddleston’s shitty Loki wig is back! Jesus Christ this wig. Also, Robert Redford is back? How do I not remember him being talked into the MCU?? Anyway, the jewelry Iron Man and Best Chris were looking for is DEFINITELY snatched by Loki so they have to figure out a new time travel scenario.

Oh and Best Chris and Iron Man totally made up after being at odds for the last 2-3 Avengers movies. Also what do we think the hairspray budget was for these two? There is also a LOT of talk about Best Chris’s ass in this movie (they literally refer to it as America’s Ass) and I feel like this could very much be its own movie with maybe some added Best Chris badass twitter wars. Just saying.

Meanwhile, back in olde timey Asgard circa Thor 2, RENE RUSSO IS BACK (also Natalie Portman LOLOL everyone is in these movies). However, Sir Anthony Hopkins is definitely not wasting time on this nonsense and: fair. Also omg this wig on Rene. GURL. I don’t know what GoT prostitute dayplayer they stole this from but regardless: it’s a mess. Also apparently, Rene is about to die (I didn’t see Thor 2) and Deglam Thor is a MESS about it (also still very much a drunken mess also). He almost effs up the plan by going and crying on his mom (don’t worry - Bradley Cooper in his best work to date as Rocket Racoon got the jewelry!) And Rene tells Deglam Thor it’s ok to not be who he’s supposed to be an just be HIM which is very good advice OMG I LOVE RENE RUSSO.

So speaking of parents, Iron Man decided to go find some Infinity Stones in the 70s where his dad, John Slattery is! Apologies for the quality of this picture - it’s the best I could do. Anyway, John Slattery was made for period piece witty repartee tho his man wig (like all man wigs) is a friggin’ mess. He and Iron Man have some fairly emotional dialogue despite the fact that John Slattery doesn’t know that he’s talking to his son and also someone refers to RDJr as Mungo Jerry so I was really down with this whole section of the movie.

OH AND MICHAEL DOUGLAS IS THERE (again apologies for photo quality). What Marvel does best is face deaging technology (I still demand this be used for more 80s movies Michael Douglas wasn’t able to make at the time) but what Marvel consistently does worse is: wigs, specifically man wigs. WOOF. Regardless, they got all the jewelry they needed from the 70s! Moving on!

Over in Thanos town (probably what it’s called), nice Nebula is reunited with her former shitty self and also her sister. Jeez this whole part of the movie is family reunions. Anyway, Gamora’s wig is still a Hot Topic mess. Also a mess: Nebula let Thanos into the whole time traveling jewelry snatching heist which will definitely ruin everything.

Meanwhile, over by the cliffs of sorrow (also definitely official name, probably), ScarJo and Hawkeye and their upsetting hair looks are trying to get that one piece of jewelry that can only be gotten with human sacrifice, which they somehow had forgotten since Infinity War when Thanos sacrificed Gamora to get it. Maybe they just weren’t that tight with Gamora and forgot this? Anyway, the most important thing is that ScarJo gave herself these highlight braids which make this whole look slightly better but it’s still really bad. Also bad: one of these characters has to die! In the end it’s ScarJo I think because she doesn’t have a Linda Cardellini to go back to (or 3 kids) but I don’t really like what the MCU is implying here about the value of single ladies but regardless: goodbye ScarJo and your wig! You are probably better than this whole mess anyway!

Anyway, all the (remaining) Avengers time travel back to present day (aka 2023 just go with it) and everyone is so stoked that they got all the jewelry but then bummed when they hear about ScarJo. Side note: I forgot to talk about Iron Man’s highlights and feathered lewk. It’s upsetting! Moving on! Linda Cardellini calls Hawkeye which means this whole time travelling thing worked and they brought back half the population and also most importantly probably Black Panther so go team! But before we can talk to Linda Cardellini, Thanos crash lands into the Avengers HQ AND DAMMIT NEBULA.

So then everyone is somehow transported (?) to Thanos town aka Fightsville which feels like a great place to probably die in the apocalyptic fight FOR JEWELRY. All the Avengers yet again suck at fighting computerized Josh Brolin aka Thanos and then he calls in all his evil space backup army and everyone is definitely effed. It’s a lot like the part in the Battle of Winterell when the Night King does a Nancy Pelosi clap and reanimates all the dead people to fight the living and Jon Snow cries.

It doesn’t even help when Deglam Thor gives hisself the most wild lightning based makeover. Seriously, he surrounds himself with lightning, gets those badass Total Eclipse of the Heart eyes, and somehow is able to use lightning TO GIVE HIMSELF A HALF UPDO AND BRAID HIS BEARD HAIR AND NO I’M NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. The lightning fails to remove his beer belly and again: I’M HERE FOR #2 CHRIS COMMITTING TO THIS DEGLAM BODY. I don’t know the hows and whys of lightning makeovers - I guess it’s just restricted to hair. Which still looks like crap, beard braids or no. Moving on: Best Chris can somehow use Thor’s hammer now and did I miss something? I think it’s a Chris thing and I’m glad that everyone agreed that Worst Chris wasn’t invited to it. But also he’s not there. YET.....

BUT THEN. Dr. Benedict Cumberbatch who I definitely forgot about (and who has the most hilarious American accent) creates all his sparkler circles. Also his whole wig/goatee lewk is like that one adjunct professor you had who kept office hours at a coffee house and/or a part-time vampire. Anyhoo, he BRINGS. BACK. EVERYONE. Black Panther (and all of Wakanda!) Spider-Man! Guardians of the Galaxy! ETC! THE JEWELRY HAND CHANGED HANDS MANY TIMES. THERE WAS SO MUCH GOING ON. Everyone starts kicking ass but it’s still not enough until Captain Marvel and her 90s pixie cut show up and I swear to god all the lady Avengers made a protective barrier around her like the Lilith Fair is serious getting back together (I WISH!) It was all the ladies you love - Valkyrie on a flying horse! Wakandan warriors BUT NOT LUPITA BECAUSE US IS BETTER THAN THIS! Elizabeth Olsen in that terrible red wig! Kate from Lost! Gamora and Nebula I think! - plus also Gwyneth who I totally forgot had an Iron Man suit too but sure! It was a very girl power moment that almost worked but very did not. In a final moment we all saw coming since before Infinity War, Iron Man sacrificed hisself for the jewelry hand (also: humanity). Thanks for your service: the jewelry was saved! OH MY GOD THIS REVIEW IS SO LONG. Am I still writing this? Are you still reading this? THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.

In the end, everyone is saved and reunited...to have a sweet funeral (apologies again for picture quality)! I shit you not: they gave Iron Man’s electric heart a viking funeral at his cabin. Really! And all the other prestige actors you weren’t sure would make it to this movie were there: Marissa Tomei in some sweet beachy waves! Michelle Pfeiffer in some not so sweet beachy waves but whatever: I’m always happy to see her! Michael Douglas! The Winter Soldier in his somehow shittier than Loki wig! That chick from How I Met Your Mother! Other people! Samuel L. Jackson! Oh and I think Iron Man’s daughter is now being co-raised by Jon Favreau? Ok! It was also a funerary co-production for ScarJo and I guess (?) Elizabeth Olsen’s computer boyfriend (aka Paul Bettany) who somehow wasn’t able to be revived by jewelry for reasons unknown. Oh and where the eff were Bobby Cannavale, Michael Pena OR GODDAMNED JUDY GREER I DEMAND ANSWERS!!!!!

SO THEN. Captain America has to go back in time to return the jewelry because Dr. Hulk promised Tilda Swinton and I still don’t get how time travel works in this movie. Also Dr. Hulk is still running the time travel machine even though the whole Ant-Man crew specializing in this technology are back but ok? It all goes great until Captain America returns IN OLD AGE MAKEUP WHAT. Turns out he took a detour to have a life and get married and huh? He then tells Anthony Mackie that he can be Captain America now - officially making the MCU America of 2023 on the level of real America in 2008 and I can’t believe they didn’t cut to a weeping Jesse Jackson (or at least Don Cheadle?) However, Deglam (still!) Thor makes Valkyrie the King of Asgard which officially makes MCU Asgard of 2023 definitely way better than the America of 2019 (yeah I went there) and then he decides to be a Guardian of the Galaxy which means we get to spend an agonizing 3 minutes with Worst Chris. Then they cut to the 1940s and a slow dancing Best Chris and Hayley Atwell and truly: if you can just time travel and be happy can’t we bring back all the dead Avengers too then? HUH? Whatever: THE END! Oh and there’s no post-credits scene but still watch the first like 5 minutes of credits to enjoy the truly mind boggling way that the MCU chose to credit the 5000 people in this movie. Are we please done with Avengers movies now?

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ (BUT NOW I WANT A LIGHTNING MAKEOVER)

#avengers #avengersendgame #wigwurq #lightningmakeover #deglamthor #lilithfairreunion #MCU #RENERUSSO #WHEREISJUDYGREER #VikingFuneral

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weeklyhumorist · 5 years

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6 Types of Girls You’ll Meet in the Emergency Room

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Here are the 6 types of girls you’re guaranteed to run into at the emergency room!

The Girl with a Pole Through Her Head

Seriously, how is this girl even still alive? Her name is probably Tamara, or Debby, and she’s an engineering student who somehow managed to get a steel pole impaled through her head on a walk-through of a construction site. But of course, her hair still manages to look flawless- Classic girl with a pole through her head! Since the hot steel cauterized the wound upon entry, she’s in no danger of blood loss, so you’ll find Tamara or Debby giggling in the waiting room, making small talk with the other patients as if there wasn’t a large steel pole protruding from her skull.

That’s the thing about the typical pole-impaled-though-head-girl: She’s a friendly face (albeit a horrifying and alarming one). Everyone loves her, and everyone’s calling science and fate into question, because how the heck is Tamara or Debby walking and talking? Oh girl with a pole through her head- we’d hate you if you weren’t so darn cute!

The Drama Queen Who is “Going Into Labor”

Ugh, we’ve all ran into this attention-seeker at the emergency room. Rushed in by an anxious spouse, this extremely pregnant woman will smoothly try to cut the line by shouting, “I am literally giving birth at this exact moment” or “I feel my baby’s head exiting my body!” Yeah, okay, sure, drama queen. Newsflash: people have babies on TV everyday, and it always turns out fine (in comedies). If the kid happens to fall out before you get to the doctor’s room, that also means the hospital is legally obligated to name the chair, hallway, or tile in front of the vending machine where your kid is born after your family- which sounds like a pretty great deal, with or without insurance!

And would someone please tell the pregnant lady’s spouse, like, we get it- your wife is so incredible for pushing a football sized flailing lump out of her body while all the rest of us did today was hang out with a girl who’s got a pole shoved through her temple. Now take a number and take a seat.

The WebMD Know-It-All

This woman thinks that just because she knows how to Google “lobster clamped down on hand and will not release,” she’s some kind of medical genie who can diagnose a crustacean metacarpal injury. To make matters even more annoying, you know this woman- who’s probably named Sharon, duh- is telling anyone within ear’s reach in the waiting room all about her genius “diagnosis”. Well someone should tell Sharon she did not go to medical school, and Web MD is a tool for hypochondriac hacks and helicopter parents who are too lazy to invent more creative diseases.

Oh great- Now Sharon’s probably waiving around the animal attached to her hand, claiming it’s a certified genuine Maine lobster from Red Lobster. So you’re a fisherman too now, Sharon? You’re a fishmonger with experience in identifying Maine-native crustaceans?

On the other hand, in her other hand, she’s is continuing to look up WebMD symptoms on her iPhone, and diagnosing the other patients too. Gee, just because you know how to Google “pole through her head” doesn’t mean that’s the only thing wrong with a person! Leave Tamara/Debby alone!

The Mom Who Does Extreme Sports

We’ve all met this mom at one point or another: She plays Top 40 during carpool and always has HotPockets in the freezer for after school. She’s not just a cool mom- she’s an EXTREMELY cool mom, and Linda never backs down from a double-dog dare (even if it means two broken arms resulting from a dirt-bike accident).

It can be hard not to immediately be impressed with the chillax vibes Linda is throwing down in the corner of the emergency waiting room. By the relaxed way her broken limbs are hanging at her sides, you know she’s definitely the kind of parent who lets her teenage son and his friends have beers at family campouts. Right on! This cool-ass, dank-ass chiller mom is the only person here who might be hurt worse than Tamara or Debby, which is sure to have everyone in the ER super impressed and whining, “Ugh Linda, why can’t you just adopt me already?”

The Woman Who Uber’d Via Ambulance

Let me tell you, there’s one in every emergency room! The woman who Uber’d via ambulance is that classic party girl in her early thirties who works in finance and doesn’t have time for bullshit Uber surges. Last night she wanted to leave the club, and leave the club NOW. Since everyone knows an ambulance is just about the fastest way you can cut through traffic in the city, when Natalie (or Fratty Natty as her drunk friends call her) realized a Taco Bell was conveniently right across the street from the hospital, she called 911 faster than you could drop it like it’s hot. If only emergency services didn’t refuse to let her walk through the drive-thru, and then make her come in for an evaluation. :/ Classic Fratty antics! This woman needs serious help.

Now it’s 9am and she’s still in her club clothes from the night before, hissing near the waiting desk and easily mistaken for a ratty, tequila-reeking hobgoblin. The living embodiment of Amy Schumer’s character in Trainwreck, Fratty Natty is a dumpster fire every emergency room has, and a great way to remind everyone else there that whether or not they have a pole through their heads, life could always be worse!

The Doctor

That’s right, bigots. Plot twist: the ER doctor is a woman. Bet you never expected a woman to have gone to medical school, obtained an M.D., and then begin working in the field she was trained in as an emergency room doctor. Bet you never expected someone who identifies as female to also enjoy getting paid to administer healthcare to patients in high-stress situations. Bet you never expected that woman- against all odds- to also have a metal pole stuck through her head. That’s right! People with pole heads go on to do incredible things, including being female doctors you run into at the ER. There is so much hope for you, Tamara/Debby. Don’t go into the light.

6 Types of Girls You’ll Meet in the Emergency Room was originally published on Weekly Humorist

#doctor #ER #female #funny #hospital #injury #lobster #uber #woman

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nemhaine42 · 7 years

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hahaha Idk why i wrote this but I found it in my googledocs today, based on the sprogs from @mcgregorswench‘s prompt

Here’s the story of the time Steve tried to take his family camping, when Maggie is 12, Jay is 8, and Natalie is 4:

Darcy is completely against this idea. She does not like camping. She tries to tell Steve that he ought to go with Sam and Bucky, but Bucky doesn’t want to go either. He says he did enough camping in the war and he doesn’t see why Steve isn’t sick of it. Steve says it’ll be a good experience for the kids so fine, grumble grumble, we’ll go. Darcy and Steve have differing definitions of ‘good’ experiences.

Maggie is probably the one who’ll enjoy it the most. She has no expectations but isn’t dreading it. She’s adaptable.

Jay Jay hates the idea. Ew, no way. He has allergies, he hates being cold, he gets the sniffles, ugh. Steve puppy-eyes him into it, “c’mon, buddy. I know it’s not your thing but I really want us to spend some time together as a family.” Ugh, fine, Dad. He puts up with it until about five minutes after they get to the campsite, “MOM! Maggie’s throwing lake water at me!!”

Natalie looks forward to it, she’s very excited to sing Disney princess songs, prance about in the woods and have birds help her put up the tent. But she is quickly disillusioned: the princess songs in the car go on for hours until Steve gently suggests they give it a rest, with his eyelid twitching. And the only bird she saw did not help her with the tent, it pooped on her. So she retreated to the safety of Mom’s cuddles, alongside Jay Jay, severely regretting her choice and adamant that next time she’ll take up Aunt Tasha’s offer of a tea party instead.

Steve wants to enjoy it, he tries and he tries and he tries. He tries too hard really. Steve is a city boy, let’s be real. He’s forcibly upbeat about going fishing, and canoeing, and hiking. But he’s not a good fisherman, and only Maggie braved the canoe with him. And in her exuberance to examine the fish in the water, she tipped over the canoe. Darcy got the kids to ‘hike’ back up the path to the playground, and then ordered pizza.

And frankly the weather doesn’t owe anyone shit, not even Captain America. Day three of their trip, it starts raining and raining and raining. Everyone’s cold and unhappy. Steve sighs and packs everything back up and heads home. The kids fall asleep in the car and Darcy mutters into her Starbucks, “honest to god, Steve, next time just take them to Coney Island.”

#shieldshock #darcy x steve #kid fic #dad!steve #darcy lewis #nemie's bedtime stories #maggie jay & natalie

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papermoonloveslucy · 7 years

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Lucy and Carol in Palm Springs

S5;E8 ~ November 7, 1966

Synopsis

Lucy's new roommate Carol gets a gig singing in Palm Springs with The Vagabonds and wants Lucy to come along. Lucy has to fake illness to get off work and then perform with the group to earn her stay. Carol Burnett and Dan Rowan guest star.

Regular Cast

Lucille Ball (Lucy Carmichael), Gale Gordon (Theodore J. Mooney)

Mary Jane Croft (Mary Jane Lewis) does not appear in this episode.

Guest Cast

Carol Burnett (Carol Bradford) got her first big break on “The Paul Winchell Show” in 1955. Winchell guest starred with Lucy in “Lucy and Paul Winchell” (S5;E4). A years later she was a regular on “The Garry Moore Show.” In 1959 she made her Broadway debut in Once Upon a Mattress, which she also appeared in on television three times. From 1960 to 1965 she did a number of TV specials, and often appeared with Julie Andrews. Her second Broadway musical was Fade Out – Fade In which ran for more than 270 performances. From 1967 to 1978 she hosted her own highly successful variety show, “The Carol Burnett Show.” This episode is the second of her five appearances with Lucy as Carol Bradford. In return, Lucille Ball made five appearances on “The Carol Burnett Show.” Burnett also returned to star in three episodes of “Here's Lucy,” once playing herself. After Lucille Ball's passing, Burnett was hailed as the natural heir to Lucy's title of 'The Queen of TV Comedy.'

Carol Bradford is a librarian who likes to sing.

Dan Rowan (Colin Grant) was the comedy partner of Dick Martin, who played Lucy's boyfriend Harry on season 1 of “The Lucy Show.” He is best known as the co-host of “Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In” which aired from 1968 to 1973 and earned him a 1972 Emmy Award. Earlier in 1966 he had appeared with Lucille Ball on “The Dean Martin Show.” He will guest star on “The Carol Burnett Show” in 1969 and in return she appeared on “Laugh-In” in 1972. This is the first of his two appearances on “The Lucy Show.” He died in 1987 at age 65.

Grant is described as a millionaire sportsman, “celebrated big game hunter, deep sea fisherman, and a fine golfer.” He is single, but considering marriage.

Jonathan Hole (Mr. Haskell, Hotel Manager) previously played Mr. Collins, Manager of Stacey’s Department Store, in “Lucy Bags a Bargain” (S4;E17). He was in eight Broadway plays between 1924 and 1934. Hole's screen career began in 1951. This is the second of his three appearances on the series. He also did two episodes of “Here’s Lucy.”

William Woodson (Radio Reporter) previously played Danfield TV reporter Larry McAdoo on “Lucy and the Safe Cracker” (S2;E5). TV viewers might recognize his voice as the narrator on the opening credits of “The Odd Couple” (1970-72): “Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?” This is his final appearance on “The Lucy Show.”

Sid Gould (Tournament Committee Man) made more than 45 appearances on “The Lucy Show,” all as background characters. He also did 40 episodes of “Here’s Lucy.” Gould (born Sydney Greenfader) was Lucille Ball’s cousin by marriage to Gary Morton.

Dino Natali (Musician, Bass), Dom Germano (Musician, Guitar), Al Torrieri (Musician, Guitar), Attilio Rizzo (Musician, Accordion) were all seen in the previous episode “Lucy Gets a Roomate” (S5;E7).

Although not billed as such in the final credits, their group was known as The Vagabonds. Unlike the previous episode, “Lucy Gets a Roommate” (S5;E7), they are called by that name many times in this script. Contrary to popular belief, Joe Pesci was not part of the group. They all live across the hall from Lucy and have taken on Carol as their girl singer. As in the previous episode, in the final credits, Torrieri is listed as 'Torre' and Attilio Rizzo is listed as 'Atillo Risso.' The electric guitar player and a drummer (probably Roger Pearsall) are uncredited.

Two dozen uncredited male and female background players play the hotel and golf tournament guests. Among them is Bennett Green, who served as Desi Arnaz’s stand-in during “I Love Lucy” and had bit roles in many episodes. He does frequent background work on “The Lucy Show.”

This is a stand-alone episode that directly follows-up on “Lucy Gets a Roommate” (S5;E7) wherein librarian and amateur singer Carol Bradford moves in to share Lucy's apartment.

Although he is not specifically mentioned by name, the script was designed as a plug for Lucy’s good friend Bob Hope, who had recently taken over hosting the The Palm Springs Golf Classic and renamed it The Bob Hope Desert Classic. The tournament retained this name until 2012. In February 1966 Doug Sanders finished first with Arnold Palmer the runner-up. Desi Arnaz, who co-founded Palm Springs' Indian Welles Golf Course and Country Club, frequently played in the classic.

Palm Springs, California, was a favorite get-away destination of Lucille Ball and Desi Anaz (as well as Gary Morton) who had a home there and built a golf course and resort there. Their daughter Lucie Arnaz recently relocated to the desert town where her parents were celebrated residents.

Carol and The Vagabonds sing “The Hukilau Song” written by Jack Owens in 1948. This turns into “The Hawaiian War Chant” written by Johnny Noble, a composer who was a native Hawaiian. In order to show Mr. Haskell that she's a member of the band, Lucy plays the cuica, a friction drum of Brazilian origin that makes a low groaning sound.

Lucy and Carol later sing “Lazy River,” which was written by Hoagy Carmichael and Sidney Arodin in 1930.

The golf tournament player board has the names of several important members of “The Lucy Show” family. One of them is Lucy's husband (and newly-named “Lucy Show” Executive Producer) Gary Morton. Morton played Lucy's boyfriend in the golf-themed episode “Lucy Takes Up Golf” (S2;E17). In “Lucy and Paul Winchell” (S5;E4), Winchell gets a telephone call from someone named Gary asking him to play golf. Another name on the board is Dick Martin, Rowan's real-life stand-up comedy partner and Lucy Carmichael's boyfriend during season 1. Ken Westcott was “The Lucy Show” props master. Howie McClay was the name of Lucille Ball's long-time publicist. His name was used back in Danfield as the owner of the hardware story. Ron Knox is “The Lucy Show” gaffer. Bob O'Brien was the episode's writer.

Carol Burnett uses her trademark Tarzan yell in both this and the previous episode, “Lucy Gets a Roommate” (S5;E7). In that episode it was explained that Carol gets the hiccups whenever she is nervous, which she does thinking about performing in Palm Springs.

Searching for an excuse to join The Vagabonds and get a free trip to Palm Springs, Lucy offers that she can play “Glow Worm” on the saxophone. This was something that Lucy Ricardo regularly did on “I Love Lucy,” although often the song was “Sweet Sue.”

Callbacks!

In 1942, Lucy and Desi were seen in an episode of RKO’s ‘Picture People’ titled “Palm Springs Week End”. The couple were seen biking in the desert and taking snapshots of Lucy and the scenery.

Lucy Ricardo was “In Palm Springs” (ILL S4;E26) where she also sat out in the sun, but because of a severe sunburn before her appearance in “The Fashion Show” (ILL S4;E19), Lucy kept covered up!

“Lazy River” was previously sung on the series by Roberta Sherwood in “Viv Moves Out” (S2;E22). This was Sherwood’s only charting hit, landing at #57 in 1956.

Lucy Ricardo also played the cuica when the gang sang the calypso tune “Man Smart (Woman Smarter)” in “Ragtime Band” (ILL S6;E20) in 1957, one year after it was a hit for Harry Belafonte. It was also a staple song for The Grateful Dead!

Lucy Ricardo performed “The Hawaiian War Chant” in “Ricky's Hawaiian Vacation” (ILL S3;E22). Lucy would again perform the song in a two-part 1971 episode of “Here's Lucy” on a cruise to Hawaii with Vivian Vance.

Goofs!

Hole in the Wall! Just two months later Jonathan Hole will be back to play Mr. Winslow in “Lucy the Babysitter” (S5;E16) where he stands in front of the same stone wall backdrop he does in this episode. The only difference is the tropical foliage.

Sitcom Logic Alert!

As usual, Mr. Mooney turns up wherever Lucy is – or, in this case - isn't supposed to be! He is partnered with heartthrob Colin Grant in the golf tournament. Only in TV Land!

“Lucy and Carol in Palm Springs” Rates 3 Paper Hearts out of 5

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