#The writers really don't know what they're talking about and‚ politely‚ it's offensive.) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

olderthannetfic · 2 years

Note

Thank you for your explanation for the skin-color-as-food-description thing! (also I apologize to all olives for assuming them mostly green ;) ) Are there any good resources/tips on writing a diverse cast without falling into the old stereotypes/food-descriptors/more-yikes-words-that-are-yikes? I guess there are probably a lot more pitfalls to this I really want to avoid in the future.

I accept your groveling, olive besmircher! ;P

There are guides...

As a white American, I have found it useful to at least peruse them to familiarize myself with things I might not have realized are cliches and red flags. And the reason I have found them useful is that I am a white American, the typical target audience of such guides.

Writingwithcolor, on tumblr, is a classic example of guides produced by fandom.

The thing is, a lot of fans who are from outside of a US context find these guides really... err... misguided. They feel they center the experiences of diaspora in a few countries (like the US, UK, and Canada) over the experiences of people in the home country. They feel they're too One Right Way or too obviously aimed at white people. Many people find them too enmeshed in a US-centric POC framework for dividing identities into categories as opposed to how identity would be seen in even Europe or Australia or New Zealand, never mind various parts of Asia or Africa.

So I'm not saying don't read them. Absolutely. If you want a guide, go read all of the many posts on writingwithcolor. Go find other guides.

But you're not going to find a magic bullet that fixes this.

I would personally focus more on not being an asshat in your own context than on pleasing the nitpicking Americans who might find your fanfic and find it problematique for stupid reasons. What ethnic minorities exist where you are? What do they think about writing cliches? And not just the loudest bloggers: what do people you run into in your actual life think? What do writers from your location think?

There's really no substitute for having a varied friend group and talking to them, but life experience and reading widely are helpful too.

There's no substitute for specificity either. Are you writing Sam Wilson or are you writing BTS? Are you writing something completely original? Is it set in the real world or is it fantasy?

If you want to write African Americans or some specific group not near you, go explore the rich history of literature from this group. Maybe for some groups, there isn't much to find, but black people in the US have produced a fuckton of art about their own experiences, and so have many other groups. Go consume it if you're interested.

Recognize that a very specific niche of highly online people who share the same politics isn't going to give you a robust view of an entire group. Sam Wilson is probably considerably more conservative and traditional than a lot of black bloggers in fandom and considerably less concerned with minutia of word choice given that he's a military guy who has made it through a whole career of other military guys. That doesn't mean he agrees with white US conservatives though or even that he's what we might call conservative overall. Ditto Nile Freeman from The Old Guard. Meanwhile, Peter Grant from Rivers of London is likely going to have far more leftist economic views, less of a connection to Christianity, and certainly a far stronger connection to an immigrant experience.

It's more important to learn enough to write something you know isn't offensive drivel than it is to listen to each and every hater you encounter. Those queer teenagers wailing about "the q slur" have equivalents in any demographic. Beware giving too much weight to this sort of person's views.

But that said, I don't think you need to wallow in research until the end of time. It is far more important to try in good faith than to fear getting something wrong.

Someone might yell at you, and that sucks, but if you're more afraid of that than of making boring art about only one kind of character, you're focused on the wrong thing. If you have basic confidence in your own intentions and general knowledge, you can shrug off the most mean-spirited or petty critiques and are better able to listen to the more relevant ones.

If you just want a list of words that are slurs, that's relatively easy. Writing something that sensitively and properly represents any group is harder, even if you're a group member yourself, and a lot of it comes down to writing skill.

There is no magic bullet.

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the-firebird69 · 3 months

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Where Trump’s notable cases stand | CNN Politics

Three out of five cases are going ahead in March one out of five it's going to be closed this week and the remaining case that is open into thus far and that's January 6th the rest of them have a court date assigned and they're not saying and they're full of crap what is March 8th I say 25th on one and there's still another at about March 5th and still the date and the fourth one is going to head now that sure who's riding this yeah we know who it is there's a whole bunch of people who should not be writers or it is or anything it will come pretty soon pretty soon.

We are very tired of this jackass next door his little baby and thinks because we talked about him he's going to win something it's just that he had a lot of stuff and a lot of places and the guys an idiot we have to cut all of it down to get to him and he's going to have nothing just his bicycle following our son around it's pitiful it is extremely pitiful weak what dangerous and it's really brighten our crease it is right in our crease and we have a lot to talk about not really there's another offensive I'm coming from the ocean and by land and their spaceships don't get here and they're down to 1.1 billion and they tried to send 100 million to Hera and they're gone and they're wiprd out. Similar things are occurring several other

-hearing and queen are not doing well they both have cancer. Is not publicly announced but they do. Ernie got it from messing with nuclear weapons he died trying to blow up the wrong areas and that's what happened and she is probably gone and people say he might not be and it might be oil was one of the emuls drivers and he was fighting Trump.

-there's a bunch of people who are upset and Trump is still roaming around and they hate him they don't want him here they don't want him messing with our son and messing with them right now there's a bunch of battles on and they are pretty big they are massive though a huge conflict between pseudo empire and warlock it's very big cuz they're after all the girls and bunkers and from Illinois to Nova Scotia downtown to the bottom of Connecticut. His other stuff it's a massive war is getting bigger and it's spreading to Pennsylvania and DC or Virginia and it's moving down there.

-the conflict is growing and stretching down the Eastern seaboard to Georgia and west to California and it's huge it's gigantic and they're fighting everywhere and it's because of the bunkers and there are heavy losses on both sides

There will be changes coming up soon and big ones on the empire is going to be engaged shortly the second set of 10 caverns is being fought over and half of them are almost fallen and they're decent sized they are 200x300 by 100 MI each and it's round and their gigantic and where is it half the 10 I will fall shortly

-there are many many battles that are going on right now one of the largest is the battle for Florida by land they're huge forces amassed and still break in if the space flight that will be there for quite some time so they are having a lot of difficulty and it's futile that they keep on asking amassing probably another 1% of the morlock group

-they're calling for a cease fire now it's much heavier fighting between the more luck and pseudomorlax than normal they are attacking each other viciously they're trying to get to the 21st ring and they cannot and they're trying to go out to the third ring and they're not able to.

-Florida is evacuating itself of warlock they're leaving and they're going to lose another 4% we think this morning and into daylight. They'll be down to 8% and it will be less soon enough and those numbers here the rest should evacuate as soon as they can.

-the empire is taking some area here in Florida as we are in Forg are. There's mode is very abismal and they are out to just destroy the planet practically. We must be vigilant against them they have a lot of people but they're not ready to launch in most areas it's only a few ships in the North but we must be prepared I'm getting some other signs that those ships are getting ready and that they're within 20% but that is for them to be flying they need more than that

-we are anticipating some resistance it's on half of the more enforce are resisting us moving troops into areas and we are wiping them out more shortly

Thor Freya

Olympus

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corvus--rex · 2 years

Note

I noticed you write a lot of omega Keith and I can't help but wonder if that's maybe a reason you can't seem to work on OLIP.

Maybe not. But if that's the case and you'd rather work on other stories or you, right now, feel more inspired writing omega Keith stories that's ok.

Write what you wanna write and if one day you wanna write different stories so be it.

This ask isn't meant to offend or be rude, I just had to ask and if I over stepped I'm sorry. I guess the bottom line is write what you wanna write, even if you have other wips with 5k, 10k, 20k words done and you wanna start another one because that's what's inspiring your creativity at the moment do it!

This isn't rude or offensive at all! But you're not wrong, I do seem to favor writing Keith as an omega, even though when it comes to these two, I really feel like it can go either way. I think it may have something to do with him becoming more vulnerable and being forced to let his walls down and people in...eventually. It's interesting to see how he'd react in different situations when he has no choice but to let someone in. That and he's my feral chew toy that I like to poke with a stick.

I'd say that you may have a point when it comes to OLIP, but I've been having the same roadblock with Here Come the Vultures and The Sound of Color as well (and Dormiveglia), and they both have omega Keith. HCTV has been particularly hard as I have the entire next story arc planned out. I know exactly what's going to happen, who's involved, and what the outcome will be. I started a second oneshot for it (concurrent with Scarlet), but it's a bit heavy, so I've been having some trouble with it just on that.

I have been hyperfixated on an angst plot bunny that won't let up for almost a week now, and I'm loving working on it. It oddly enough also is an omegaverse with omega Keith, in a canonverse that took a hairpin left turn so I could clean out canon's house and rearrange all the furniture. I have things in my notes that I'm almost certain will never come up, but they're there all the same.

But I think one of my biggest frustrations, besides the Sisyphean writer's block, is that I haven't stopped writing at all, I just haven't been able to finish anything, so it looks like I've abandoned my fics. I haven't, and I won't, they are my children and I love them. I also don't really talk about what I'm working on - I have co-morbid adhd and autism in case anyone didn't know - and I will just infodump, which of course, makes me feel like I'm irritating whoever I'm talking to. (That said, if anyone out there doesn't mind spoilers and wants to hear about my plotting and planning, you can just message me whenever, I always want to talk about my fics)

I have done a few oneshots while working on longer fics, and I know I'll continue to do it whenever I have a Thought™ that asks politely to be written or beats me until I give in and do it. My wips folder is *full* of things I've started. Some I may finish, some were just to scratch a particular brain itch and aren't something I could expand on beyond a piece of a partial scene or a bit of an outline.

I'll always be writing. For now - and the foreseeable future - it will definitely be klance, (I actually tried to go back to a couple ocs from a fandom I was in very, very many years ago and couldn't get past a couple paragraphs bc it just wasn't klance), and there will definitely be more oneshots when my writer brain demands it.

#asks #my writing

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matchstickdolly · 3 years

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Lucifer 5B: Cutting off Touch to Spite Your Fans

Spoiler warning: This post assumes you've watched all of Lucifer, season 5, part B.

CW: There's plenty I like about season 5, but this is a negative post. I know not everyone is up for negativity about the things they love. I also generally avoid it and (try to) keep my mouth shut about things I don’t like in most spaces. It’s good etiquette. But this is my space, and I have thoughts specifically about purity culture and the treatment of sexuality and trauma in fiction. You’ve been warned!

---

I'm a professional writer (not in TV). I've worked with enough bad clients, editors, and other writers to recognize some hallmark behaviors in how both Fox and Netflix gave Lucifer's writers incredibly difficult, unfair, and frankly weird situations to create through.

Fox did them dirty, interfering and ordering too many eps in S3. Netflix did them dirty, ordering 10 eps for S4 when it clearly needed ~13. Then Netflix ordered 10 "final" eps for S5—then, just kidding(!), 6 more after they'd done their writing for the 10. (What the fuck?) And then Netflix ordered 10 more for a "final-final" S6 after the writers had done their best to tell their whole story in S5. (MORE what the fuck.)

Talk about whiplash for creators, and half of those who consume content don't even care to understand such creative pain.

So, there are problems on multiple fronts. There's much I'll forgive writers, accordingly. I go into most shows expecting plotting/pacing issues. I look, instead, for characters and relationships that will triumph over those issues.

Heart is what the show Lucifer has always had in spades, both in its characters and in the immensely committed, wonderful ways the actors have tried to realize the characters' humor, love, trauma, and—most importantly—struggle to find healing. Yet, when given the opportunity to show health alongside another in a relationship, the writers/directors of 5B chose to remove most sexual humor and physical intimacy from their female lead and bi/pan characters to, I feel, sanitize them and troll fans. What happened?

Well, for one, say hi to showrunner Joe Henderson bragging about how the writers decided to be colossal dicks to the fans who helped secure their jobs:

From CBR's 'Lucifer Showrunner Joe Henderson Dissects Season 5B's Chaos'

Have we not suffered sidelined/repressed female characters, "bury your gays," and, oh, Chloe fucking a serial killer enough? Must we also say hello to neutered relationships once characters find stable love (whether same or opposite sex)? The result of withdrawing more sexual humor and physical intimacy from paired characters is an uncomfortable suggestion that they're reformed by "pure" love—more chaste and aloof, more acceptable in polite society. This is only done to end-game committed relationships.*

The writers seem to think they're edging the viewers, but the reality is they're taking traumatized minority characters who rejoiced in sexual freedom, but lacked and craved an emotional connection, and showing they can't have both, or, if they find both, it will never last. They've taken hypersexual characters and said, here, even they can have the love and commitment they desire, but some physical intimacy, especially sexual intimacy, is what they must trade for it.

There's always one more case, phone call, or coincidence interrupting intimacy. Traumas or deaths deserving emotional and physical comfort go on to receive none or only one aspect. Done sometimes, it's fine. Done always, it's sick. Dan dies, and there's no hugging? Really?†

Don't craft characters who crave a full range of emotional and physical intimacy, only to rob them of related scenes every chance you get. That's not complexity. That's bad writing. To even achieve this in 5B, they must squash banter and sideline their female lead yet again.

What a gift to purity culture, which tells us to be more palatable by bottling and buttoning up. That sex should be taboo, but violence glorified. That there is no heated desire among "Good Women," that sexual minorities of all genders shouldn't experience it much at all.

5A is so good. At the very least, it's on the right path (clearly, since the plot payoff from 5x01 to 5x16 is great). It shows a couple working through difficulties and trauma, toward each other emotionally and physically. It even pokes fun at people who think an established relationship means the death of romantic and sexual appeal (a tired and hugely sexist trope). And then... And then 5B reverses that, pretending established relationships are barely physical during emotional struggle and that the honeymoon phase doesn't exist. It robs characters of joy and comfort through physical intimacy when they need it to move through or push beyond trauma.

It's telling that so many fan wishes for Deckerstar are about healing touch and existing in each other's spaces: amending Chloe's spicy PDA history with Cain, Chloe caring for Lucifer's wings, soft family scenes a la Monopoly night and shared meals, morning-afters, etc. Reasonable fans aren't asking for porn; they're asking for connection and humanity. They're asking for writers not to forget characters (and, yes, including hypersexual characters) on their way from Point A to Point B.

That 5B lacks these things isn't a "tee-hee frustrating" slow burn or a cockblock. It is, in so many scenes, excising from characters a core part of what nearly every human and fictional monster craves. And it's a slap in the face to the "found family" trope. When you remove or tamp down a casual physical intimacy that was previously there, characters and their relationships fall flat, even if only partially. They become blunt weapons creators wield against watchers or readers begging for scraps of warmth.

Minorities shouldn't be killed off with ease, and they shouldn't be stifled with ease, either.‡ And maybe there shouldn't be deep trauma driving a wedge in a romantic relationship if you're not going to explore it through that relationship, too—physical intimacy included.

I'm still reserving some judgment. I loved the family drama and the end. (Although, again, where was the physical intimacy? No intimacy when Chloe or Lucifer return from the dead? Really?) I see where they could do awesome things, and could have done more if not for network BS.

But I no longer trust Lucifer's writers and directors. They thought S5 was the end. And what they gave us of Deckerstar, of the relationship that symbolizes health and healing in their fictional world, is this: cold distance. And they got a kick out of doing it, apparently.

If this is a "love letter" to me as a fan, I'm burning it. I can only hope S6 course corrects. If not, the writers who made these choices shouldn't write sexual minority and/or traumatized characters again. If you don't understand most of us, you should stop fucking using us.

---

* If you don't believe me about the differences between casual/short-term relationships and end-game relationships in Lucifer, go back and look at how Lucifer and Maze are with strangers in all the other seasons. Look at Chloe's sex dream, her propositioning of Lucifer in a library, her sex with Pierce in the evidence closet. Look at how much physical intimacy there is between Lucifer and Eve, and then between Eve and Maze (if only as a ploy). Across seasons, there are sex/kink jokes and scenes galore.

Compare this to how these same characters are portrayed when with their end-game loves. Notice the gentle pecks on the lips and the huge general drop in sexual humor between 5A and 5B. How boring. Where's the spice these characters had? Also, give me a damn break. Buttoning up in a relationship is contrary to four and a half seasons of emotional character work that's been communicating security in our relationships is personally freeing.

† I'm not just talking about sexual intimacy in this post, though that is a big part of it because of the characters. 5B lacked crucial found family scenes, too.

Chloe should have been at God's family dinner, but being so would have prevented more ham-fisted angst. Chloe never even has a one-on-one with God, probably because that would demand a straight answer about her miracle status, which I would guess will be used to drive yet another wedge between her and Lucifer next season, but we'll see.

In multiple before- and after-work scenes, there was no reason for Lucifer and Chloe to be apart more, even, than they were in S1 and S2. Monopoly night was in S3, for crying out loud. Most horrifying of all? No one touches Chloe after Dan's death, but Trixie. Meanwhile, Linda, Amenadiel, Ella, Maze, and Lucifer all receive physical comfort. No wonder Chloe's tired of being strong.

‡ If you don't think it's offensive that they stuffed all their wlw content for two hypersexual characters into a few clunky, irrational, and chaste scenes that rushed I love yous, a marriage-like proposal, and the mention of soulmates, I don't know what to tell you other than get off my lawn.

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alirhi · 3 years

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How I'd have done TFATWS pt 1

Okay, I am such a whore for positive attention that, yes, it literally only takes one person expressing interest to get me to do something lol. So, for the lovely @goblin-tea, here is how The Falcon and the Winter Soldier would have gone for Bucky if I'd been a writer on the show!

Also, shoutout to @gunshou, who popped up showing support when I was in the middle of writing this lol 😘

Episode 1: New World Order

I actually love how most of this episode was handled; it's what drew me into the show in the first place, and gave me such hope for the rest of it. Most of the changes that I'd make here are pretty minor, tbh.

I'd specify the setting in some way for Bucky's nightmare. Obviously, since he was there and knows what happened, when, and where he was, it wouldn't be like the setting changes in movies where they slap a big, bold title card over the scene. Still, I'd probably open with a brief establishing shot showing the city skyline or something; some identifying feature so that viewers can work out where this happened without needing a direct statement from Marvel (note: if you need to directly address your audience to clarify something from within your story, you're a bad storyteller). What year did this take place? I show technology from the time; perhaps a dated cell phone in someone's hand. The point is to establish where and when The Winter Soldier killed RJ Nakajima, without detracting from the emotional impact of the scene. Why does it matter? Because we should know why. Why is Bucky dreaming about this particular incident? Was it his last mission before the events of CA:TWS (a theory I see frequently repeated but with no evidence to back it up)? Was it earlier on? Is RJ only on the forefront of Bucky's mind because of his (unhealthy, but we'll get to that) friendship with Yori? How long has Yori been suffering under the weight of his grief?

I would not have had him crash through the wall, btw. As cool as that shot looked, let's try to remember that The Winter Soldier was a ghost story for 70 years. Ghosts don't leave giant gaping holes in hotel walls. I'm not saying brazen wholesale destruction is out of character for him (obviously not. I've seen CA:TWS lmao. many times. this moment lives rent-free in my brain:

found on google without credit; pls lmk if it's yours so I can credit.

but you don't become a "ghost story" if you always leave that much evidence, ijs)

I'd leave the terrible therapy session alone. That scene was beautiful. Beautifully shot; I loved how claustrophobic it felt, and it really did a wonderful job of showing how Bucky felt on the spot, scrutinized, almost put on display for this bitch woman. This scene establishes Raynor as clearly wrong, and an unprofessional mess, and Bucky calls her out on it. I fucking love that!

lmao gods, I love his painfully awkward forced smile... Guys, this episode is fkn great. (betcha weren't expecting so much praise from me, were you? 😂)

"You're free." "To do what?"

👆👆👆 In my show? That would have more of an impact on Bucky's arc. That question would be one of the underlying issues moving his whole story along. Twice in this show, he's told that he's free, but no one addresses what he's free from, much less what he's free to do next.

It's a minor thing, but when Yori tells Bucky to ask Leah out? I'd have Bucky do more than just shake his head in silent horror. Not much more, just something that matters to me as someone who's worked in the service industry for many, many years and dealt with too many creepos: Bucky would flat-out say "she's at work! that's harassment, Yori!"

Yori can still stomp right past that boundary, and Leah can still smile and agree. I just really want someone to verbally acknowledge that you don't fucking ask someone out when they're at work. Ever. Bucky cringing and apologizing puts the power of the conversation back in Leah's hands; it gives her an out to politely decline if she's not interested, and just laugh off Yori's flirting on Bucky's behalf as a senile old man being silly, so I'm actually fine with how this scene turned out. I just would personally have gone that extra inch there for the idiots in the audience who don't get Bucky's subtle "wtf" reaction and why Yori's suggestion was so bad. If someone's livelihood depends on being nice to you, keep your goddamn distance. Flirting with them or asking them out when they're at that big of a disadvantage and have virtually no power to say "no" is harassment.

Here is where I'd make one more subtle change, too. When Yori sees the mochi and is reminded of his son, and tells Bucky about his death, I'd just slip in a time frame. "x years ago, my son was..." blah. (Guys, it really bothers me not knowing when that scene took place rofl can you tell?)

One complaint I've seen a lot online about this show is how it's a bit murky on just how well known Bucky is in-universe. He can walk around Brooklyn with more or less total anonymity, but he's also recognized as "an Avenger" (when he was never actually technically in the group)... but honestly? I think it's actually pretty realistic. Just because someone's famous doesn't mean every single person on the planet knows who they are and what they look like well enough to instantly recognize them on the street. People look different in photos than in person, and pre-Blip, Bucky had the complete Jesus look - long flowing hair and a full beard. In TFATWS he's a little scruffy, but not this:

Sebastian looks like about 10 different men from one moment to the next just irl with a change in haircut, lighting, expression, whether or not he got enough sleep the night before... 😂 I don't really find it hard to believe that people not expecting to bump into an Avenger would have trouble seeing Bucky post-haircut as anything other than just another attractive white guy.

Anyway! Sorry for the segue lol. On to the date!

Earlier in this very same goddamn episode, it is established that Bucky can remotely operate a car with a tablet. This is not a technologically-inept geezer. This is a 30-something nerd who loves new technology, who, yes, is facing a brave new world and a whole lot of new technology, but has never shown any issue picking it up. The crappy flip phone he handed Raynor earlier? a burner to keep her out of what little personal life he does have (we never see it again in the real show, anyway). The "tiger photos" line? Stays, not to show Bucky's floundering ineptitude with technology, but as a little nod to his bisexuality. (don't like it? don't wanna see Bucky as bi? go watch the show and read Skogland's borderline-offensive interviews. This isn't "how I would pander to a homophobic audience" it's "how I would have written it." the "Bucky is bi" interpretation is super fucking common and has been since TFA so bite me 😁)

Tiny nitpick, but I'd also have the Battleship boards actually set up properly lmao. What even was that? Anyway...

I don't think I'd have Leah get all ranty about Yori and RJ. That's not first date talk, for one thing. For another, let's ease up on the beating Bucky and the audience over the head with that one incident in a single episode, shall we? Instead, I'd have her stick with the date questions - she asked his age, asked about his family; I'd have her follow it with questions about what he does for a living (giving us a chance to not only actually have that question answered for us - how the hell does Bucky keep himself from being homeless? lol - but also set up...)

He shuts down a little when she starts asking about his past; she's innocently curious, just trying to get to know him, but he's flinchy and deflects with questions about her. The date is awkward, but doesn't abruptly end with him running away lol. He walks Leah home, like the old-fashioned gentleman he is, goes home, himself, and end on him grimacing in his sleep, in the clutches of another nightmare: not as much detail as the RJ murder scene, we see disjointed, disorienting images of fluorescent lights glinting off of machinery, the occasional shot of Bucky writhing in the chair, a shot of that damned notebook (to remind the dumber audience members why Raynor's passive-aggressive notebook thing was so triggering for him), and we hear echoes of a couple of the trigger words, and Bucky's screams.

#tfatws #tfatws critical #how it should have gone #if i'd written it #bucky deserved better #bucky was a victim #victim not villain #take your victim blaming bullshit and fucking choke on it #episode 1

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deadletterpost · 3 years

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Anna Lundquist, 2/13/2021

dear Anna,

you asked me to keep you up to date, so here you go. it'd be easier if you just got an email address, but I guess I understand your reasons. anyway. hope you're doing well. let me know if you want me to send anything with my next letter. packet of pop rocks? I bet those are hard to find out there.

anyway, I wanted to tell you about my new job. you know I've been pretty desperate for work, with quarantine and my mom and etc. etc. and anyway, I finally got a position at this media company, QRT media systems ltd. (they insist on saying the whole thing every time they refer to it). it's better pay than anything else I was looking at and fully remote, which means I can stay home with ma. so my official job title is "microcontent headline writer" which I guess I assumed was gonna be some kind of social media thing, like writing tweets or something? but it's a lot weirder than that.

so my first day on the job I'm on a zoom call with the new boss and a few other recent hires. and this guy is like someone out of, like, a really intense and graphically violent political thriller. he's wearing a full suit and tie in his home office, he's got the most chiseled jawline I've ever seen, and these insanely blue eyes (I'm sure I'd have called them "piercing" if I met them in real life). He talks low and fast, and he says everything like it's an urgent secret that he's letting you in on because he has no other choice. does not smile at all. doesn't even un-clench his jaw. oh, and the dude is absolutely built. like could-kill-you-with-his-fist shaped. I was seriously glad I wasn't meeting him in person.

so anyway. he says (and I'm paraphrasing a bit here), "your job is to write headlines that people will want to click. you will be evaluated by how many clicks each of your headlines receives. do not worry about what happens after they click: that is someone else's job. you have a maximum of 280 characters per headline." and then he logs off. that's it.

I seriously thought about quitting when I figured out the whole job was just writing clickbait headlines, but I can't afford to be picky and like I said, the money is pretty good. so I got to work. my first efforts were absolute trash. I honestly don't even want to share my first few, they're so weird and awkward, but my fifth attempt was "you won't believe this one weird trick to keeping your nails healthy!" a lot of my early ones are like that. they're not, like, offensive or anything, just not very interesting or compelling. I don't even know what I was thinking for that one. do you worry about your nail health? I don't.

here's the thing though: your headlines go up as soon as you submit them. they're not reviewed or proofread or anything like that. they go straight to the audience in the form of ads, chumboxes, promoted tweets, etc. you don't even have to attach pictures. they have some kind of algorithm or something that just picks a stock photo based on your words. the point is, almost as soon as you're done with a headline, you can see how well its performing. you can experiment, get a sense pretty quickly of what works and what doesn't, what kinds of things people click for and which things they don't care about. it's like a game.

around my 50th submission I tried a new format. "we didn't meet our cousin's new wife until they day of the wedding. she was nice, but there was something off about her. then when the priest asked for objections, a man in the back row raised his hand. when he was done, none of us could look her in the eye." I'd been seeing that format around lately, and it seemed promising: what's more enticing than an incomplete story? and it worked! within minutes it was doing better numbers than my previous headlines had done in days. so I did more. a lot more. I won't write out the full catalogue, but I'll tell you one:

"my husband and I were at the store when we saw a man in the frozen meats section. he would open the freezer, take out a package, bend over it, then put it back. we thought he was reading the labels, but then we got closer. when we realized what he was doing, we called the police."

this wasn't my best performing one, but it's probably my favorite. I think there's something visceral and freaky about tampering with grocery store meat. is he poisoning it? putting razor blades in it? fucking it? no one knows. it's a made up story. plus it's got the added bonus of being exactly 280 characters, which is always satisfying.

so that's what I've been doing. writing the beginnings of stories to make people click. it's more fun than I expected: that feedback loop of incrementally improving your clicks is pretty satisfying once you get into it. it's a little exhausting too, though, emotionally speaking. I basically spend all my time trying to trick people, and you realize pretty quickly that people are easiest to trick when you exploit their worst instincts. they click more for fear than for joy, and they click the most for hatred or anger. I guess it's not that surprising, but it starts to feel gross when you have the objective, numerical data.

but I got my first paycheck yesterday and let me tell you, in terms of releasing muscle tension, another month of financial security is better than any massage therapist could hope to be.

All my love,

Lena.

PS: I tried a few iterations of "Fans SHOCKED! Melissa McCarthy dead at 49" but they didn't play as well as I had hoped.

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