#Well now I’m on the ‘Joyce-doesn’t-like-Steve’ train lol

[artiststarme]

Just Another Miscommunication

Based on a prompt given by @i-less-than-three-you! I hope it met your expectations! I hope you guys like it and please leave your thoughts in the comments!

~*~*~*~

Steve had never been so hurt and offended in his life. After several months of dating Eddie in secret from the rest of the Party, they’d decided to tell them. Things were starting to get serious and they knew it would only be a matter of time before someone found out and spilled the beans to the rest of the group. 

Eddie had been a little nervous to come out, this was his first serious relationship in the middle of Nowhere, Indiana, he had a right to be worried. But Steve knew that everyone would take it well, they’d dealt with literal monsters so being gay in comparison had to be a smaller deal than that. 

What Steve hadn’t anticipated was how many shovel talks he would receive. He expected the one from Wayne (although that one still hadn’t come), maybe even one from Dustin. However, the rest of them had been a bitter surprise. 

His first shovel talk came from Robin. They’d been in the middle of a slow shift at Family Video when she decided to break the comfortable silence. 

“Hey Dingus, you know that you have to be careful with Eddie, right?”

“Robin, he’s a great guy. He’s not going to hurt me or whatever else you’re afraid of-”

“No, no, no. I’m saying you have to be gentle with him. This is his first relationship so you have to be gentle with him. You have experience from dating half of the girls in Hawkins, he doesn’t have that. Just, be careful not to break his heart, okay?” She looked at him imploringly until he nodded. 

“I’m not going to hurt him, Robin. We’ve been dating for months and we’ve never had a problem before. I’m not going to hurt him.”

“Okay, I just… wanted to make sure. Now, go rewind the tapes. We just got some more returns.” He groaned for good measure but moved along regardless. 

The next one later that day was Hopper. He was leaning against the Beemer in the staff parking lot behind Family Video waiting for Steve to get off work. 

Steve smiled at him and pranced over to give him a quick hug that wouldn’t impact either of their street creds. “Hey Hop, what’re you doing over here? Did I forget plans we had?”

“Nah kid, I'm just checking in. The kids said that you were seeing Munson now?” He cleared his throat and continued in a whisper. “You know, romantically?”

“Yeah, we’ve been dating for a few months. Why do you have a problem with that?” Steve glared at him while he waited for his answer. 

“Of course not! I just wanted to check in with you. And uh, I wanted to remind you that the Munson kid has been through a lot. Just, just don’t hurt him, okay?”

Steve sighed and shook his head. “You’re the second person to tell me that today. I’m not going to hurt him, alright? I love him.”

“Yeah but things change, kid. You feel like that now but you might end up hurting him later. Just be careful, alright?”

“Yeah, fine.”

“Good. Do you want to come over to the house for dinner tonight? I know El and Will would love to see you.” Hopper smiled and nudged his arm. 

With his mood thoroughly dimmed, Steve shook his head. “Nah, I have to run some errands and then I’m just going to run home. I’ll see you around though.”

He said his goodbyes to Hopper and ran over to Melvald’s to pick up a prescription and a couple of snacks for his place. While he was there, he saw Joyce and decided to make some friendly conversation. 

“Hey Mrs. Byers, how’s Will doing? Is he glad to be back in Hawkins? I know the kids like having him here to DM their nerd game.”

Joyce gave him a tight smile as she rang up his items. “Hi Steve. Yeah he likes it, I think he missed the boys, you know? Him and El weren’t big fans of California.”

“Yeah, I get that. Max always says it’s a lot hotter so I can’t even imagine. How’re you doing?”

“I’m doing well, thanks,” she said while scanning his various chips and snacks. “What’re all of these for?”

“Eddie. He can never choose just one flavor to munch on so I just keep a bunch on hand for him to choose from,” Steve answered, smiling at the thought of his boyfriend. 

“You know, I've been meaning to talk to you about that,” she said, glancing around the empty store. 

“Have you?” Steve asked apprehensively. He and Joyce didn’t get along super well so he was a little nervous for her to judge his relationship.

“Yeah. I want you to know that I support you guys and you both always have a safe space with me. But I just wanted to make sure that you took it easy with Eddie. That boy’s been through a lot and I know you didn’t always feel… accepting of queer relationships. Eddie is sensitive and you could really hurt him. So just, be gentle with him or I’ll have to send Hopper over to get your head on straight. Are we clear?”

Honestly, Steve was kind of lost but he nodded in spite of that. “Yep, crystal. I’m not going to hurt him, Mrs. Byers. Have a good day!”

Jesus Christ, did everyone think he was going to hurt Eddie? He knew that he made some questionable choices in the past as King Steve but he’d been trying to be better. Why couldn’t anyone see that? 

When he got home, he saw various bikes laying all over his front lawn. Now, the kids could just want a pool day to get out of this disgustingly warm summer weather. However, if they were looking to give him yet another shovel talk, Steve might just lose it. 

As expected, all of the kids were situated on his couch and turned to look at him when he walked in. They looked like they were staging an intervention for him. 

“Okay look, I’m really not in the mood for this. If you want to use the pool, fine. But if this is yet another shovel talk to warn me not to hurt Eddie, you can leave.” Steve crossed his arms as he looked at them and only Max was brave enough to go against him. 

“If you hurt Eddie, we’re going to have El open another gate to the Upside Down and feed you to a demogorgon,” she said in a deadpan voice with a blank face. 

El snapped her head to look at her then back to Steve. “Steve, I will not. Max, Steve is like my brother. I will not feed him to a demogorgon.” 

“What they mean to say is that we don’t want to see Eddie get hurt. If you hurt him, we’ll have to take matters into our own hands,” Dustin continued diplomatically. Both Lucas and Mike nodded but Will just shook his head in panicked confusion. 

“Dustin, I thought we were coming here to congratulate him and tell him we supported him! Why are we threatening him? Steve won’t hurt him!”

The other kids argued that he definitely could and actions needed to be taken to prevent that. Will and El just kept trying to jump in and defend Steve. 

And Steve just stared at them. “Okay, thanks so much for the threats. Everyone besides Will and El can leave. You can come back when you stop planning different ways to murder me when I hypothetically hurt Eddie.”

Steve gave all of the kids, besides Will and El, one last glare before he walked into the kitchen to make himself a coffee. Maybe that would ward off his approaching headache. He could hear muffled arguing from the living room where Will and El, his new favorite kids, were no doubt defending him. But alas a few moments later, he heard the noise stop and saw El pop her head into the kitchen. 

“I am sorry Steve, Will and I thought that we were coming to congratulate you on dating Eddie. We did not know that they would threaten you. Friends do not threaten to kill other friends.”

“It’s alright El, it’s called a shovel talk. Usually a family member gives one to the boyfriend so they know not to hurt them. I got a lot of them today so I’m annoyed,” he explained to her gently. 

“But, you will not hurt Eddie. You love him so why do people keep telling you not to hurt him?” She asked him in confusion.

“They care more about Eddie and they think I’ll hurt him,” his words visibly angered him so he backtracked a little bit. “It’s fine El, really. I’ll get over it.”

She moved towards him and pulled him into a hug. “I love you Steve and I do not think you will hurt him. Even if you do by accident, I will not feed you to a demogorgon.”

He barked out a quick laugh in surprise, “thanks El, are you and Will going swimming?”

“No, we are going home to paint miniatures for Will’s new DnD game. Would you like to come with us?” She pulled back from the hug enough to look up at him. 

“Nah, I’m just going to relax here but thanks for the offer. Have fun, okay?”

“Okay Steve, thank you!”

Then, Steve was alone. He was emotionally exhausted and hurt. How could everyone, besides Will and El, believe he’d hurt Eddie? He’d changed so much over the years and now he felt like he was right back where he started. How could they have such little faith in him? 

~*~*~*~

Eddie was expecting to spend a nice night with his boyfriend after a few long days without seeing him. Between work, spending time with the kids, and practicing with the band, it felt like forever since he’d gotten to spend any quality time with Steve. But when he walked through the ajar door of the Harrington home, he didn’t find a boyfriend that was happy to see him. Instead, he found Steve sitting on the kitchen counter with a troubled look on his face.

“Stevie, you alright? I hope it’s okay that I came in, the door was open,” he stepped closer to Steve and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. “What’s going on?”

“Has anyone given you the shovel talk about dating me?” Steve asked him, his eyes staring into his eyes desperately. 

“Um no, why? Should they have?” Eddie asked, confused. 

“I don’t know, I guess not. Nearly everyone in the Party has given me one. Robin, Hopper, Joyce, the kids. Why haven’t any of them told you not to hurt me?”

“You want me to get threatened?” Eddie didn’t understand why Steve was so upset. Did he think that he was going to hurt him?

“No! I just- why does everyone automatically assume you’ll be the one to get hurt? Why won’t they tell you not to hurt me? That’s just as much of a possibility as me hurting you!”

“You think I’m going to hurt you? And you’re mad that no one else thinks so?” So Steve expected him to fuck this up?

“Yes!” Steve nodded at him. 

“I would never hurt you Stevie and I’m upset that you think I would. Why would I do anything to ruin this? You’re so perfect Steve that I would never do anything to mess this up.”

“Ed-”

“No! What’s the point of dating at all if you’re just waiting around for me to break your heart? That’s all I do though, right? Eddie the Freak, destroyer of all things good. Is that it?” All of the happy feelings that Eddie felt when he first walked through the door were long gone now. What, Steve was just waiting for Eddie to ruin everything like he always did? What the hell.

“Eddie, that’s not what I meant!”

“Whatever Steve, I’m sorry that you’ve seen this coming the entire time and I’m sorry you were right. I should’ve known that I would fuck this up too.” With that, Eddie marched out of Steve’s house and directly to his van. Admittedly, he shouldn’t have left. He should’ve stayed and worked this out with Steve. 

However, he didn’t want Steve to see the angry tears that streamed down his face on his drive home. He knew deep down that this was all a misunderstanding but Eddie couldn’t get over the fact that Steve was just another person that saw the worst in him. 

~*~*~*~

Wayne walked into the trailer to find it completely dark and silent, both unusual for Eddie. His nephew constantly left all of the lights on regardless of whether he was in the room or not, a quirk that took a toll on both Wayne’s annoyance and the electricity bill. And silence was not a commodity often associated with Eddie. The boy was loud in all senses of the word so for the trailer to be quiet, devoid of guitar riffs or excited rambling, was worrying. With a peek out the door, Wayne saw that Eddie’s van was out there which meant that he was home. 

When he looked into Eddie’s room, he saw a pathetic lump hidden under the covers with only an unruly mop of curls poking out. The covers twitched slightly as the lump sniffled. “Eds? Y’alright?”

“No,” he muttered, hiding his face deeper into his pillow. 

Wayne sighed and kissed all thoughts of coffee and a nap goodbye. Nonetheless, he sat at the edge of the bed and pulled at Eddie’s shoulder until he turned over. His eyes were red and irritated and his skin was flushed. “What the hell happened to you? I thought you were spending the evening with Steve? He do something?”

Eddie’s face screwed up in sadness as more tears welled up in his eyes. “Why do you automatically assume Steve did something? I’m the one who always fucks everything up, Uncle Wayne. Me! Why is everyone threatening Steve not to hurt me?”

Wayne looked at him in bemusement for a moment. “So you did something?”

Eddie made a muffled noise of outrage and pulled the covers back over his face.

“Boy, I can’t help ya if ya don’t use yer words. Tell me what happened and we’ll fix it,” Wayne tried to reassure him.

“Everybody has been giving Steve the shovel talk and telling him not to hurt me. But no one has given me the shovel talk to tell me not to hurt him. So Steve was upset and told me that I would be the one to hurt him and he was offended that no one else thought so. And then he said that I would be the one to hurt him!”

Wayne just looked at him for a long moment before lightly smacking the side of his head. 

“Hey, what the hell!” Eddie yelled in surprised anger as he yanked the covers off of himself. 

“Don’t be a dumbass then! Steve was trying to tell ya that he was hurt and ya turned it around on him! The kid’s not saying that yer gonna hurt him, he’s saying he wants people to stop assumin’ he’ll be the one to hurt you when he feels so much for ya.”

“So he’s not saying that I’m going to fuck everything up?” Eddie asked quietly.

“I think he’s sad that everyone else is taking your side and assumin’ that he’s going to be the one that ruins things. He just needed ya to listen.”

“What have I done?! How do I fix this? Uncle Wayne, help me!” Eddie jumped out of bed and started pacing in front of him. 

Wayne sighed again, he didn’t ask to be roped into these situations. “Look Eds, go to him and say that you’re sorry and you took it the wrong way. Then tell him that I gave you a shovel talk cause if you hurt that kid again, I’m gonna do more than smack ya upside the head, ya hear me? Now get goin’. Ya best stay over there so I can get some rest, alright?”

Eddie laughed and jumped off the bed, “thanks Uncle Wayne! You’re the best! I’ll go fix it and then tell you about it over carry-out later! Love you!”

Wayne shook his head as he watched Eddie run out the door, “love you too, kid.”

Both boys came back to the trailer a few hours later with takeout in tow. Eddie’s smile was beaming once again and Steve looked relieved. He gave Wayne a quick hug and a whispered thank you over the burgers and Wayne knew that they’d fixed things. There would be many miscommunications between the boys in the years to come but as long as they had Wayne to play interference, they’d be alright.

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#Eddie and Steve go to Wayne whenever they're fighting and he deals with it #Wayne also goes around and tells the Party to stay out of the boys' business when he hears about the shovel talks #Eddie and Steve buy him mugs and baseball caps for his trouble #Well now I’m on the ‘Joyce-doesn’t-like-Steve’ train lol #stranger things #steddie #fanfic #steve harrington #eddie munson #uncle wayne #misunderstandings #robin buckley #joyce byers #chief hopper #dustin henderson #max mayfield #will byers #lucas sinclair #mike wheeler #eleven hopper

[hoekinsmoved]

HAWKINS 2

you guys i asked for 2 notes and i got 15 what the hell is that sjdksk thank you so much here’s part two i wrote this november last year lol

pairing: mike wheeler x oc (steve’s sister)

warning: none that i know of oof

P.S.: i moved to a new blog!! visit and follow me here for the rest of the series  ♡  

1.3k words

masterlist

STEVE IS EVERYONE'S BROTHER

Inside the house, Will can't help but stare at the unfamiliar girl walking beside him. He likes to think of his staring as simply studying the girl, but as a curious boy, his stares turn into glares that Stacy was quick to pick up.

"Ya sure it's okay for me to use your toilet, or..." the short girl trails off, thinking Will is acting iffy because he doesn't want her to use the restroom. Of course it sounds stupid but it's the only reason Stacy has in mind as to why the boy is glaring at her.

Will snaps out of it, "What? Oh, yeah. Of course," he follows, clearing his throat before looking straight ahead. They both reach the restroom, and just as Stacy enters and shuts the door close, that Joyce, Will's mother, notices them.

She greets her son as if she hasn't seen him in a week, "Was that Jane?" She asks her son, quite excitedly as she just made waffles, and although Eleven, or Jane as they call her now, likes Eggos in particular, she would still want to offer a snack to the girl.

"Uh... no. It's Steve's sister," he tells his mom, whose reaction is quite priceless. She probably did not expect it either. Even in such a small town, no one ever mentioned anything about the Harrington daughter. Joyce guesses that Steve's sister hasn't been here in ages.

"Well, that's nice. Tell her and your friends I made waffles. You kids need some snacks," she smiles at him and fluffs his hair before walking somewhere in the house.

It's as if a boulder is lifted off Will's shoulder every time he sees his mother smile. It only took her four months to even stretch her mouth in anything that looks remotely like a smile after Bob's death. Sure, Will and Jonathan questioned him at first, and even wondered how their mom liked someone like him. But after he offered to risk himself for Will without even thinking twice, Will can't help but wish he's still alive. He can handle the weird antics and games as long as he never gets to see his mother so sad again.

His train of thought is derailed the moment Stacy opens the door and walks out of the lavatory. She awkwardly glances at Will, and soon they're both leisurely walking through the hallway. His mouth seems to betray him as he subconsciously asks, "Where are you from?" He bites his lip right after, as if he can swallow back his words by doing so. He thinks his curiosity is more of a curse, really.

The short girl cranes her neck to look at him in the eye, as she usually does when talking to someone as she answers shortly, "Australia." Will wants to ask another question but this time he bites his tongue to make sure that he doesn't, in fear of the topic being off-limits especially that they're not even friends. Silence follows them as they walk back but Stacy breaks it by saying, "It's nice to finally put a face on the name."

Will is confused by this statement, and it shows in his facial expressions so Stacy takes it upon herself to explain, "Steve has told me loads about... Hawkins." She then perks up, "You're Will, right?"

At this point, they're both already outside the house on their way to the shed. Will nods before humming a soft yes to the girl. "How're ya feeling, then?" She asks while looking straight at him which Will notices she does a lot. It kind of intimidates him.

He's taken aback by the question, as no one ever really asked him that, other than when his friends did ask once, right after they reunited. A polite smile stretches on his face as he answers, "really good. I've been well, thanks."

Stacy mutters a you're welcome that Will barely understood with her accent and pace of speaking. When Will pushed open the door to the shed, Stacy stayed back, thinking they'll be coming home anyway. But as Steve tells her to come in, confusion quickly takes over her features.

"We'll be home in a few, just hold on a little, okay? Did you lock my car?" Steve asks his sister who takes a seat on a bench near him. She nods with a low yes, which is good enough for her brother who immediately gets back to the conversation.

Stacy tunes out everyone. It's probably not for her to hear, so she takes her time untying and tying the laces of her sneakers. Someone sits next to her though, catching her attention and making her look up. She is then met with orange hair and a pale, freckled face.

"I'm Max," the girl tells her while rolling a skateboard on the floor. "I also moved here around... half a year ago, from California. Where are you from?"

"I'm Stacy, and I'm from Australia." Stacy tells Max who raises both her eyebrows as if impressed about Australia.

"What's it like there?" Max is quick to inquire. Something about Stacy makes her think they can be good friends, and that she no longer has to be the new girl in the party. Stacy might not be in the party like Max is, but being Steve's younger sister means she may tag along a few times and make her an unofficial member of some sort. Still, Max is glad she has someone who can relate to her in terms of being new and be her friend now. Eleven wasn't really friendly to her at first, and they're civil now but not best friends. Max wants a best friend.

Stacy can answer that question without even a bat of an eye, "Nice weather, and cool beaches. People are really fun and laid back, too. Plus loads of animals." The way Stacy describes it makes Max even more interested.

"You're going to miss the beaches, trust me." Max says with a chuckle. She's so giddy that someone's missing the beaches like she has been for the past six months!

Stacy shakes her head while smiling, "I already do. Do you surf?"

"Oh god, no." Max quickly says, busting into fits of laughter. "If those boards had wheels, maybe." She adds, referring to the skateboard. "Did you?" She returns the question to Stacy who nods as an answer.

"Watch me mix salt with my water just to taste the ocean again," Stacy says as a joke, cracking up Max again who vocally asks herself why she has never done that before.

The two girls talk some more, learning details about each other like how Australia made Stacy love animals even more than she already does before moving there, no matter how deadly those animals may be. Max opened up about how Steve was like an older brother to them, leaving Billy out of the topic, as Max doesn't really consider him as her brother—he doesn't act like it anyway. Stacy can't help but think that perhaps Steve is everyone's brother now. She didn't open up about why she moved back to Hawkins but Max doesn't mind. It doesn't matter now, as long as their friendship's going to grow, she doesn't really care anymore.

Their exchange was cut off when Steve got slapped by the time, around 5 p.m. when the sun is about to set real soon. Stacy has heard that day time here is shorter, compared to the lengthy day time back in Sydney. In panic, Steve dismisses the heavy topic while Stacy waves goodbye to her new friend.

The two siblings hop on the car before zooming back home. Stacy's going to need some time to get used to the term, but hey. She's going home.

aye if u read it this far let me know so i’ll update faster :-) thank u

#i just need some sign that people read this then i’ll update #hawkins series #stranger things #stranger things imagine #stranger things series #stranger things daily #mike wheeler imagine #steve harrington’s sister #mike wheeler x oc #mike wheeler x reader #eleven #will byers #dustin henderson #lucas sinclair #max mayfield #mike wheeler #bestfriend!max #finn wolfhard #joe keery #finn wolfhard imagine

[thedeviljudges]

I’m lowkey obsessed with the idea of one of the kids admitting to Steve they’re scared they’re gay and they’re really frightened about it and scared he’s gonna hate them and everyone will too and they haven’t told anyone else and Steve has never told anyone he likes boys before and he’s kinda like “me too” and they’re just like “what?” And he’s like “I think I like boys so I get it okay?” And it’s makes which ever kid lol feel so much better because Steve is so cool and he gets it

uhmm okay so i attempted this and well, i hope it’s okay!!! i chose will out of them all because i feel like he’s the go-to??? also cuz it seems to make sense. i hope this is okay.

The porch is not the most ideal place for life contemplation, Steve thinks, no matter how comfortable it feels out here, staring off into the distance filled with trees, dead leaves, and the quiet hum of the wind rustling the branches above.

It is, however, where he finds Will, the shy kid taking a breather from the commotion inside. Steve has never understood what it’s like to be smothered by family, thinks he ought to enjoy such a thing after baring witness to absentee parents for a good few years of his life. He also knows that because he’s not used to it, it’s exhausting as much as it is overwhelming, and it must be the case for Byers enough to wander outside by himself.

“You okay?” Steve asks because he’s not as familiar with him as he is with the other kids, regardless of his acquaintance with Jonathan. He doesn’t expect a reply, actually figures he’ll be ignored because what does Will Byers and Steve Harrington have in common aside from the Upside Down? Aside from Nancy and Dustin who’ve all merged together in a group of understanding despite the oddities that otherwise would’ve kept them apart as individual people, no paths to be crossed and definitely no reason for interactions.

But Will shrugs his shoulders, leans his head against one of the wooden poles that lines the stairs to the cabin. “I’m okay.”

It’s a lie. Steve knows a lie when he hears one; he’s given his fair share of them when he doesn’t want people to bother him, or more importantly, when he doesn’t know how to tell the truth.

Steve’s met with a crossroads then, choosing to ignore it in favor of respecting Will’s answer or finding another line of conversation that will attempt to crack Will open – if not to admit what’s on his mind, then at least a decent chat to distract him. Steve used to be a bit of an ass, but he’s working on it. Will doesn’t have to tell him anything if he doesn’t want to.

“I don’t think I am,” he says, blurts it out without a moment’s hesitation. It feels good to say that, to not have to smile at Nancy or Hopper or Joyce or even Billy for that matter, to have to pretend that splinters of exhaustion and emotion aren’t increasing the longer he stands on his feet. Steve wants rest; he wants the Upside Down to not be a thing that he – or anyone else – has to deal with, but along the way, he’s learned far too much about everything for his brain to catch a proper break.

Will startles at his comment, glances up as Steve walks forward, sits down on the steps of the porch. He leans on the opposite side of the rails, parallel to Will. Steve doesn’t want to crowd his space, doesn’t want Will to feel like Steve’s a looming presence after all he’s been through because no matter what he’s seen – what any of them have seen – it will never be anything as horrific as the experiences that this kid has gone through.

No amount of dreams, sweaty palms, or edginess will compare, and often, Steve feels guilty that he has after effects of the most mundane bullshit he’s experienced. It shouldn’t be a comparison game, but guilt is a very strong five letter word. “All this shit makes you think,” though he keeps his eyes trained ahead, on the moss and rocks across the ground that he hadn’t noticed before, “about who you are, what’s most important.”

“Everything feels different,” Will finally chimes in. His chin is pressed to his knees, hugging himself tightly like that might make all the bad thoughts go away. It won’t; it never does because Steve’s been there – been in bed and felt restless, felt like maybe if he held himself tight enough, long enough that he’d it’d make up for the lack of warmth he often experiences.

“It does.” Steve’s voice cracks, throws his gaze to his feet and picks at the hole in his jeans. They’re stretched across his knee, an old pair worn thin from multiple washes. It’s not fascinating, but he hates how the strings that weave the material together feel like an omen or, at least, a metaphor for all the connections his life has careened together. “Don’t even feel like myself sometimes.”

There’s a hitch in Will’s breath, so sudden that Steve turns to make sure he’s okay. The kid’s eyes are wide, maybe even a little creepy as he blinks at Steve. Though, the more Steve notices, the easier it is to pinpoint that Byers isn’t looking at Steve so much as he’s looking off in the distance of a memory, of a moment that Steve wasn’t a part of. “I think I’ve always felt that way.”

Steve doesn’t want to dampen the mood more than he must, but he’d like to counter Will’s statement with either you know or you don’t. There’s a certainty in life that he’s traveled through, solid in demeanor and tone. It’s not until you go through something, he thinks, that the limits of who you are are tested. 

Unfortunately, Steve thinks he understands the hesitation radiating from Will, that he’d experienced much earlier than someone like Steve who’d had the backings of moderate stability and general popularity to keep him from questioning – or really, to keep others from questioning – the position he’d definitely been given.

Will on the other hand, from the murmurings and chatter from Dustin when Steve drives him to and from the arcade, paint a different story, that some kids aren’t so lucky. In all fairness, Steve wouldn’t’ve even had to look at Will to know the truth because Jonathan was a prime example Steve only paid attention to when others found it necessary to reduce him to mud on the bottom of their shoes.

Steve, before the ordeal with Nancy, had no qualms, no reason to bat an eye to any of the so-called grievances that might’ve been bestowed upon him least he were anyone else. It’s no wonder his existential crisis has taken this long to manifest.

Steve doesn’t really know how to reply to that. Another agreement would fail them both, sat in silence until one of them found the courage to gather themselves for the group inside.

Though, the longer they sit here together, it feels a lot easier not to do that, to let them be, let Will be, let himself just be. A speck in the woods, observing rocks and mud and the blue sky only seen from the parting of branches from the limbs of trees, feels significant somehow, special and quiet. Steve hasn’t had that in a long time.

So when Will shifts his body, Steve isn’t expecting it, isn’t expecting a thrown rock to go flying forward or the tapping of shoes against the wood staircase. And most prominently, Steve doesn’t expect Will to whisper into the woods like he hadn’t spoken at all.

“I think I like boys.”

Steve’s heart flips, stops, then goes again, crazy feral at the hands of such a confession. It hits him like brinks, wonders if maybe he’d said it instead, voice weak from the screams and grunts he’d used to keep himself awake and alive.

“I hate how everyone thought it before I did,” Will says in that same small voice, a little bitter, definitely field with sadness. “They didn’t even let me-” His breath hitches, and he stops, Steve finally turning, finally moving until he’s slide closer to Will.

That’s the part of the story Steve cannot relate to no matter how much he wishes he could. Steve had a reputation, had it easy under the prospects of linear succession of high school fame. As mediocre as it felt all around, it allowed him the easiest navigation in life – now, not so much, but he’s almost out, almost away, and it’s a part of life he won’t have to experience ever again.

Will on the other hand- “Me too,” Steve says, runs his tongue across his teeth as if acid found its way into his mouth. He’d been contemplating it, would up at the notion that maybe everything he thought he knew was different. It started with Nancy, graduated into the Upside Down and the existence of monsters, and now Steve’s stuck at level three of a video game he hadn’t planned on playing – didn’t even know existed, to be quiet frank – and now that he’s there, he can’t quite reach the end of the maze.

“What?”

Once again, Will looks like a wide-eyed teddy bear, confused and in disbelief. Steve watches the emotions cross his face, one of disbelief and anger that comes next. “Are you messing with-”

“Hey,” Steve says quickly, shakes his head because he might’ve been a dick – might still be if the right person asked – but he knows better than this. Knows better than this now. “I think I like boys, so I get it, okay?”

Will’s skeptical eyes goad Steve into backtracking, into calling his bluff, demanding that the joke be over. But Steve is just as relentless, just as frustrated with himself and the situation that’s born out of realizing that girls are not his only forte.

“You’re serious.”

His teeth dig into his lip, and Steve wishes for a moment of reprieve because he hadn’t exactly come out here to make conversation about his issues and the bullshit he was dealing with. Hell, he hadn’t exactly come out here to comfort a young boy either; he’d just happened upon Will who also felt like a breath of fresh air would do him some good. But despite unknowingly walking into a bigger issue than he’d intended, Steve feels like maybe he’s all the better for it.

“They’ll hate me,” Will says, finally understanding that Steve’s serious. His shoulders drop, fingers curling around the railing.

“Then I guess they’ll hate me, too.” Steve thinks of Dustin, of what that might mean, thinks of Nancy and Jonathan, of Billy and Hopper and Joyce. Steve thinks of them first before his parents because it’s not like they wouldn’t care, but he suspects they’d be too busy to notice whatever is going on with their son. If they don’t recognize the distress he’s in from nightmares or anxiety attacks, it’s safe to assume they’d not pick up on much else.

And even then, Byers might be younger than him, and he might be like Dustin – a young kid he could call his brother – but at least Steve can save him from ridicule, can be an anchor until he’s ready to make whatever decisions he needs to. If that means talking about it- if it means existing until he’s out of this hellish town, then Steve guesses he’s got a purpose after all.

It ends with Will launching himself at Steve, a quick hug that Steve only has half a second to reciprocate because as soon as his arms are full of Byers, the kid is gone. He’s pulling himself to his feet, smiling down at Steve with big, watery eyes. “I’ll be here,” he says because he guesses that Will doesn’t want to stick around until his tears fall, the only cure to find the others so he’s not wasting away outside on a porch talking to Steve Harrington while he cries over something that is not yet set in stone.

Will smiles, shoulders relaxing as he takes a few steps up the stairs. “Thank you,” he says, and then he’s gone, Steve immediately recognizing the shakiness in his voice.

He’d like to comment, like to admit that avoiding the emotions attached to something like this is probably not the healthiest of things to do, but if he’d look in a mirror, he could say the same for himself.

Steve sits out on the porch long enough for it to grow colder, long enough for Billy to come outside for a smoke, sharing it with Steve like he’s a natural. Steve doesn’t say anything, just passes the stick back and forth until he’s smiling, until nothing makes sense, until he realizes that sharing his space with Billy isn’t so bad.

It might even be worth the risk.

#x #harringrove #not really i mean implied at the end but uh i gotta tag it as something lmao #i actually kinda like this though??? #Anonymous #answered

[i-have-been-changed-for-good]

Sepia

Monday -  I'm at the coffee machine when Scott comes in. Right when he turns the corner, Chris comes around from the wall I'm at. Scott is momentarily sidetracked, but then turns back to me and greets me. He has to walk closer to me cuz Chris is also walking by. Scott smells amazing. When I'm done making my coffee, I go to the mini fridge to grab my creamer. Scott comes walking up right after me to put his lunch in the fridge and grab some water. "I brought in yellow watermelon today." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah. So I'll bring it in during my lunch." I walk back down the hall.

After I wash my smoothie cup and use the bathroom right there, I head back down the hall. Scott is standing up at his computer and I take the opportunity to look him up and down and then rest my eyes on his face. Out of nowhere, he whips his head around at me. I've already got a small smile on my face. Scott doesn't react and merely turns back to his computer.

During lunch, I bring in my yellow watermelon. Scott tries it and says it tastes like regular watermelon. He says he didn't really do much over the weekend. I tell him about my moon ritual on friday: wrote negative things on paper and burned it; made a bath with flowers, bath salts, and a bathbomb; lit a candle; and meditated in the bath. He smiles, and then he asks me if I did it by myself. I'm thrown off guard by this. I wouldn't expect him to know these are usually done alone, but idk who he thinks I would take a bath with? A friend? A guy? Does he not trust me? Is he jealous? Or did he really not mean anything by the question? I say, "No, just me" and then add, "well, my cat joined me." He smiles again. I also told him I had my picnic on Saturday, wore my new bathing suit, and won at bingo. I also say how Sunday I did dinner with my dad cuz my family reunion was cancelled since no alcohol waa allowed and no one wanted to go. He said he wouldn't have gone either. I drop a small piece of watermelon on my chair and wipe the juice left, but it only seems to spread. I go and grab a disinfectant wipe and wipe it, but it's still wet. I end up just switching the chair with the one next to it. "All that for nothing," I say. Scott laughs. His one filling fell out so he has to go to the dentist this week to get it fixed. We end up talking about fruit and yogurt, and Scott says I should try the BlackBerry Oui yogurt, but I tell him blackberry is gross. "We can't seem to agree on fruit," I laugh. I tell scott to try a darker piece of watermelon cuz it's sweeter, and he agrees it is a bit sweeter than regular watermelon. Steve comes in and I ask if he wants a piece. He's never heard of yellow watermelon before and asks if it tastes like the regular. I say no and Scott says yes. Steve can't have any cuz he's having stomach issues and can't eat seeds. I tell Scott the watermelon will be in the mini fridge if he wants any.

Scott goes out to lunch, so he asks me if I want anything. I'm happy he asked since he didn't at all last week.

Scott makes his tea after lunch and I pop out to talk to him. We talk for a few minutes and when we stop, I realize that I am looking at him very sweetly. He's got a small smile on his face.

I go and take an order out into the warehouse and end up passing by Scott. As much as I think I'm awkward, scott has his moments too. He asks me what I'm doing, as if he doesn't know lol.

I end up coming out of my cubicle at the exact moment Scott comes walking out to go use the bathroom. I have no way of knowing when he's going to come out of his office, and I hope he knows this. I have to ask him about an order, so when I hear him come back I go into his office. He had sent an email but didn't copy my department, which he should do. I ask, "Oh, you didn't copy us?" I'm smiling though. He does that slow smile of his and says he didn't. I laugh and leave. I turn to look through Steve's window. Scott is facing my direction, watching me as he sips his tea. When I tell Joyce he did send an email but he didn't copy us, she says "of course not." 

Scott makes tea again at the end of the day and I come out to use the bathroom. We give each other little smiles and say, “hey.” That ends up being our last interaction for the day.

Tuesday -  I didn’t get to say hi to Scott in the morning when he first walks in. I make my coffee and go to the mini fridge and hear him talking down there. He had just walked away, but then comes back. He sees me and makes that face i cant describe. We say hi.

For some reason, sometimes the warehouse door locks behind people. It doesn't happen that often, and I've never had it happen to me, so idk what goes on. I hear knocking and pause, but no one is coming out of Scott and Steve's office to open it. I get up. Sure enough, it's Scott. Steve is on the phone so he couldn't get the door. "Locking me out?" "No, you locked yourself out." "No I didn't. Who was the last one to go out?" "Uh, probably you." He disagrees with me.

I go to change one of the ink cartridges in the printer, but it had exploded in the box. I go to put it back in the box and Scott comes walking out to go down the hall. I could see he was looking at me. The importance of me adding in these small moments is because Scott has only been looking at me when I'm not looking at him; when I do look, he turns away now.

I have to go to Shoprite for lunch today, so I message him and ask if he wants anything. He tells me non-minty gum, which isn't much to go on. I ask him what flavor and he tells me the trident tropical orange. I go into his office and he gives me money. I ran into several issues on my venture. I come back and tell Scott. There was a detour getting off the highway, so I had to go an extra few miles out of my way to get to shoprite, then when I get there, they had cantaloupe and grapes as the fruit. "Grapes I can understand, but who puts cantaloupe in their salad?? And of course when you go, they have the good fruit like berries and stuff." Then I tell him how I ended up stopping at the tracks by our work cuz there was a long ass train. I'm not a complainer in all honesty, so the way I tell it, I'm smiling and joking. Scott says, "Well if that's the worst that happens to you today, that's not too bad is it?" "Oh I know, I'm not upset I just get annoyed cuz I only have so much time on lunch." Since I got back later than usual and don't feel like scarfing down my lunch, I ask him if I can eat in there and he says "yeah, I don't care." He goes to fill up his cup with water and asks if I need any water. He's so sweet. I go and grab my water and avocado. Scott gets a phone call from a guy that used to work there, but who moved out to California. "Not a bad move," I say. Scott doesn't really agree. He's only been to one part of California. I tell him how I went there once too, but it was Pasadena/L.A. but that I also went to Santa Monica beach, which was really beautiful. I know Scott likes beaches. I tell him today is Harry Potter's birthday and that he's 38. "Really? I thought he was a young guy." "Uhh, the character not the actor." I crack up laughing and Scott smiles and watches me laugh. We end up talking about the greatest shows ever made and talk about Breaking Bad and GoT. He's never seen BB and I've never seen GoT. He tried to watch BB before, but couldn't get too into it. I tell him he has to stick with it.

I go upstairs to wash the bowl I had my avocado stored in so i can put it right back into my lunch bag. As I am about to reach the top of the stairs to go back down, Scott just reaches the top before I do. He smiles when he sees me and we say hi.

Scott gets tea when he comes down but I pop out after he already finishes his tea. His coffee stirrer is in his mouth, so when he sees me, he beams at me with a pursed-lip smile. It's so cute.

I'm in the warehouse when he comes back in from lunch. I turn to look at him through Steve's window as I pass by, and Scott, who had already been looking at me, quickly looks away. Asdfghjkl. Idk why he keeps doing that. I go back out into the warehouse a little later and we look at each other when I come back in. I have a slight smile, but he doesn't. He just has that neutral stare.

When Scott makes his end-of-day tea, I tell him how i had to dump my cpffee earlier because the bottom of the coconut creamer was all chalky and gross. I was supposed to shake it before each use, but immediately forgot after the first time. Whoops. He tells me that I could use his almond creamer, but I had decided to just make tea afterward. I go in end of day to talk to him. I tell him how I was going to bake something pumpkin for tomorrow, but I wasn't sure if anyone would eat it. He laughs and tells me to hold off just a little longer, maybe till like October. "October? But fall starts in September!" I flip up his calendar and my heart sinks, but I gotta pull it back up. Scott has off the first week of September. I mean, just kill me now, Scott, so that I won't have to hurt unbearably later on. Anyway, I find the first day of autumn, which is September 22. I tell him i can bake something around then. He tells me he's looking at hamstring stretches on YouTube, but is only finding basic stuff. I give him some pointers and tell him to always keep a slight bend in his knees since his hamstrings are so tight.  He watches me demonstrate. Then, because I just have to show off, I get into downward facing dog. I mean, it's nothing special. There is actually a lot that goes into doing the pose correctly, though you wouldn't really know just by looking at it. My butt does not face Scott (I'm not that show-offy). The pose supposedly isnt the absolute best if you want a hamstring stretch, but it is a good way to warm up the legs. After I get out of the pose, I stop to think about it and tell him to scratch that one, since he would have to make sure his form is correct. 

We leave at the same time, with Scott in front of me. We both drive fast so we're in the left lane, but the guy in front of Scott is going a bit slow. It's rare where the right side of the highway is open, and my exit is only about 1 mile, maybe a little more, away, so I get to the right and end up passing Scott. I set myself on cruise control at 85. The guy in front of Scott must have gotten over, because next thing I know, Scott is parallel to my car. Only the middle lane lies between us. I turn my head to look at him and he turns his head to me. I can't see his face cuz of his tinted windows. I laugh and turn my head forward again. We stay like this until my exit.

Wednesday -  I say hi to Scott in the morning at the printer. I whip my head around and greet him and he actually gives me a pretty big closed-mouth smile. I wonder if he thought it was funny how I whipped my head. I immediately notice that he's in his gray shirt, which is my favorite on him. His wife needs to tell him how good he looks because it would be a sin not to.

When i go and rinse my smoothie cup and head back, I see Steve has pulled his chair up to Scott's desk and they're looking at something. Scott keeps glasses at his desk and he's wearing them, and honestly, I think he's trying to give me heart failure because I cannot handle both the gray shirt AND the glasses at the same time.

I have several small interactions with Scott. I'm at the printer when he comes out of the bathroom, and also at the same time Joyce comes out of her cubicle to put highlighters she ordered me at my desk. So she's talking to me and I turn and I try to look at Scott, but I have to look at Joyce. Scott just watches me.

I go out into the warehouse to get paper to fill the cabinet. I see Steve isn't in the office, but Scott doesn't acknowledge me until my second trip. He looks at me through his window and I open the door and give him a little smile. He smiles and turns to me and asks if I need help. I tell him I’m okay.

I don’t get to talk to Scott during my lunch. He must have went out into the warehouse while I was putting my bag upstairs, because when I come down to use the bathroom, I can see he’s not in his office. I go back to my desk and read...for the next 15 minutes. Scott comes back in at 12:40, 5 minutes before my lunch is over. I’m debating on whether or not to still go in when he comes out to use the bathroom. This has never happened before. I start to get anxious thoughts, that maybe he did it on purpose because he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I think about what he said a week and a half ago, and whether or not he meant it: “What do you want me to do, just ignore you?”. I feel sad.

When Scott makes his tea during his lunch, we ask each other how our day is going. Scott says he’s been really busy. After he finishes his tea, he lounges up against the counter, which he usually doesn’t do. I have some hope that he is trying to make up for my lunch and that maybe he does want to talk to me. He tells me he had raspberry yogurt but that I probably wouldn’t like it, but I tell him I approve of the raspberry. I tell him how I think I’m so against blackberry flavor cuz I had some bad experiences. My one sister shoved a blackberry Sour Head down my throat when I was like 5, and I choked on it until I threw up black. Then when I was 17, I stole some of my dad’s blackberry liquor, which was disgusting but I still drank it. Scott says he can see why I don’t like it. I’m actually the one who walks away, ending the conversation, when a lot of times it’s Scott, especially on his lunch. He was willing to give me some of his lunch time today. 

I'm at the printer when he comes back in from lunch, which rarely happens. I finish stamping my order and turn around. Scott is throwing something in the recycling bin, so he's not looking at me. He looks up just as I'm about to enter my cubicle. I do one of those smiles with my mouth all the way to the right side of my face. I go into my cubicle without stopping to see if he responds back to me. I haven’t been on the receiving end lately.

I eat the last of my yellow watermelon I have in the mini fridge, so I go to the sink to rinse it out. The bathroom door is closed. I am standing over the trashcan, emptying out the tiny pieces that are left when the door opens. It’s Scott. He smiles and says, “Oh, hello.” I smile back at him. He goes to the receptionist stand to ask who fixes the paper towels, then he comes back and ends up fixing them himself. “Did you break it?” I ask as I come up to the sink in the bathroom to wash my hands (there isn’t hand soap at the sink outside of the bathroom). “No, I’m fixing it,” he replies. “It was empty.” He goes back out of the bathroom to tell the receptionist never mind, and after I dry my hands off I head back to my desk.

A little later in the day, I come out of the bathroom, and I can hear the paper towels in the men’s room. The door opens right as I’m about to turn into my cubicle. I turn my head and see it’s Scott, so I back up. “Following me?” I ask. “Seems like it” is all he says.

I go into his office at the end of the day and ask him if he stretched his hamstrings last night, but he says he didn’t. He did have his chiropractor appointment though, so he felt like he didn’t need to. I tell him it’s been a weird day, which it has been, and he actually agrees. I tell him how a guy I work with at the restaurant messaged me some weird thing about pasta salad, and I tell him about that. He just looks at me. I tell him how Will tried to scare me when I went out into the warehouse, but I just turned my head to look at him. Scott thought it was funny when I demonstrated. When I was heading back, Will was trying to sneak attack me, but I saw the top of his head, and so I jumped out at him. He wasn’t expecting it. It was pretty funny. Scott laughs at it too. He tells me he might just take the whole day off tomorrow since he doesn’t want to come in after getting his filling replaced, since his mouth will be numb. It’s time to go, and when I walk out of his office, Chris the engineer had his wife bring their puppy again. I sit on the ground as the puppy scrambles onto my lap and I talk to Chris for a minute or two. I get up, and Scott is getting ready to leave. I go and grab my things and say bye to Pete and Joyce. Scott comes walking out of his office behind me, so I stop for a few seconds to wait for him. “You didn’t want to see the puppy?” I ask. “Nah, I gotta stop at Best Buy. I’m kinda in a hurry.” “Oh, okay.” I walk a little faster. He’s so serious sometimes. We go outside and I say, “See you tomorrow”, but all he replies is “Aight.” I’m thinking about how that’s weird, but then when I get to my car I remember he said he might not come in tomorrow. I start to worry about how he’s going to think I don’t pay attention to him. I do, it’s just my brain is constantly like, on fire lol. Scott does pass me on the highway and I turn to look at him right after he passes, just a second too late. It looked like he was looking at me, but I can’t be sure.

Thursday - Scott doesn’t come in today. He decided to take the day off. Throughout the day, I plan stuff that I feel I need to say to Scott about what’s going on on my end. I plan to keep it short and to the point.

Friday -  Scott comes im several minutes late, so I didn’t get to greet him. Right after he comes in, he tells Steve how he went to the beach. I get that ugly, sad feeling again. 

I end up walking by his office several times, but I might as well not even exist in Scott’s world anymore. At one point, I end up walking back in from the warehouse while he’s turned and talking to Steve. As soon as I look at him, he averts his eyes, but keeps talking. I don’t know what’s going on, quite honestly.

Just like Wednesday, I end up coming out of the bathroom right before he does. I turn and look at him. No reaction.

During my lunch, I go in and ask how his day’s been. He’s busy. I don’t waste any time in saying, “Yeah, I realized Wednesday after I said ‘See you tomorrow’ that you said you might not come in. I’m just so used to saying it.” He laughs and says it’s okay. I only thought about it maybe 20 times yesterday. He gets a phone call and after he hangs up he tells me how he’s working on this large order for some guy who always asks for quotes and then barely orders anything, so it’s a waste of his time. His boss, Non-engineer Chris, was supposed to do the order, but he’s out today. I keep talking while Scott works. I tell him how I had the coconut Oui yogurt, which is Scott’s favorite flavor, but I like the fruit ones better. I actually had a strawberry banana coconut milk yogurt that was amazing. I’ve been trying to replace all of my dairy products with non-dairy. I tell him how last night I was carrying my trash, but it was so heavy and then I remembered I still had the watermelon shell in there, plus all of my regular trash. The trash ended up ripping in the middle of the lot, so I had to pick stuff up and carry it, but then there was still a mound of litter that I left there. It was raining pretty heavy during my lunch, so if it was still there, I knew it would be gone now. I mention the highway from the other day when we were going to same speed and driving parallel to each other. Scott smiles and says he saw me. I tell him how I read a thing that says if you play your music loud, studies show you’re probably a bad driver. Scott asks me if I believe I’m a bad driver. “Well, that’s what everyone tells me. Oh, but then the thing also said at the end at least you look cool with your music playing loud, but idk how cool I look in my blue Dodge.” Scott laughs. Neither one of us has weekend plans, so there’s nothing to talk about regarding that. He talks to me about his order a little bit and then Steve comes in. Steve usually goes to fill up his water right after he comes in, so I say, “I always think Steve is early, but nope, he’s always punctual.” I get up and Scott says, “Sorry I was busy the whole time.” “It’s okay. I know,” I say as I walk out. I had been practicing what I want to say all day, but it just didn’t seem right to say anything while I was in there on my lunch. He was busy working on the quote for that guy, so I knew it was not the right time. I know I will do it at the end of the day.

About 15-20 minutes later, Scott still hasn’t gone to lunch. I come out of my cubicle to use the bathroom right at the same time he comes out of his cubicle to fill his water. He turns to me and actually has a small smile on his face as he looks at me. I’m pleasantly surprised. I don’t get to see him again until the very end of the day.

I go in to talk to Scott with 10 minutes left in the work day. I ask if he's been busy the rest of the day and he says a little but not too bad, but then Steve's phone is paged so Scott has to take the call. He says "this guy's an asshole" and then answers the phone. The phone call goes on and on. During this time I take a quick peek at the calendar. Steve has off next Friday, and then Scott took off Friday the 17th and Monday the 20th. Oh.... I sit in the chair and go over everything I need to say. I’m mentally ready. Scott finally gets off the phone after almost 10 minutes. He says that guy had been calling Steve all day and that he had talked to the guy too at one point and accidentally hung up on him, but the guy called back. It's 4:45 now, but I can't leave without saying what I need to say. I don't feel awkward or nervous; if anything, I’m very calm. "I'm sorry about 2 weeks ago." Then I stop. I wasn't planning on stopping; I was hoping to just breeze my way through the whole thing. I don’t know why I stop, and because I surprised myself, I just look up at Scott, who then looks down at me. "I was just having a lot of anxiety." I had planned to say more about this. I was going to also say "I was having a rough week" and "I had an anxiety attack, which I'm sure you saw" and “My best solution is to confront all of the things giving me anxiety”, but it didn't seem right anymore to add those in. Scott says back, soothingly, "Don't worry about it." I continue, "I just don't understand a lot of things, and that's all I was trying to do. I like you, but I know you're married. I don't want you to think I have any ulterior motives or anything talking to you. I just like talking to you." I can't help but look up at him with a little smile on my face after I say that. "I wasn't sure what you were thinking, so I just wanted to make all of that clear." Scott says again, "Dont worry about it." He also said "it's alright" a few times in that sweet, soothing way of his while I was talking. I wasn't looking at him the whole time I was talking, but I could see he never took his eyes off of me. He had a small smile on his face, but it was so different from the one 2 weeks ago. This one was genuine and caring, and though it wasn't a big smile, it still reached his eyes. I don't hang around. "Have a nice weekend, Scott." "Aight. Thanks, you too, Dana." I look through Steve's window as I pass, but Scott is looking back at his screen. I go and grab my things, give Pete my hours sheet, and then go outside. I clutch my book to my chest as I walk and take deep breaths. "Don't cry, Dana. Don't cry." I get into my car. It's 4:49. I assume Scott will be stuck inside for at least a few more minutes because of the phone call he got. I pull away. I start crying before I reach the gate.

I don't know what Scott thinks, what he feels, or what is going on, or what was ever going on. I guess I had been naive to think that he had feelings for me too, but maybe he really did change his mind about me. I don't know. I know I had to say those things though, and I wouldn't have felt any peace till I did. I like being open and honest, that's just who I am, and it is always unnatural for me to hold back and hurts me in the end. I didn't expect myself to cry, but then in hindsight, I should have seen it coming. I felt really off yesterday into today, and then add to that equation barely talking to Scott for most of the week, and then telling him things without any reciprocation whatsoever...it hurts. I wasn’t expecting anything in return from Scott; I just wanted to say those things because I felt it was the right thing to do, not because i wanted anything in return.

I start to wonder again what is going on on Scott’s end. Was he having a rough patch in his marriage or something, and things are finally looking better? Did everything really boil down to him just liking the attention from me? Does he just not get that much attention at home, and he liked that I have always been happy to see and talk to him? Did he really marry the right person and is meant to be with his wife? I have no answers, and I guess Scott doesn’t really care enough to give them to me.

I look back over all of these months, back to the beginning, back to December. I can see everything along this timeline, and I can see clearly how it started, how it’s gone since then, and where it is now. I can see it all so, so clearly, and I ask myself, “what was the purpose of all this?” I do have a few answers for it, but they also don’t feel conclusive to me, and I can’t explain why. I want them to be, but they’re not, and I wonder if it’s because I know how difficult this is going to continue to be, my battle with things drastically changing between Scott and I and my uncertainty of what that means for me.

I think about so many honest and tender moments between us, how many times he looked at me with such a glow, such a light, and I just keep wondering how this is a happily married man. There is so much I don’t understand, and I am trying to come to peace with that without having any answers from Scott. This is not the first time I’ve had to do this with someone; it’s happened to me with friendships and romances, and it is very hard to do. People close themselves off, and I think it’s sad. I don’t want to be like that, and I think I’ve done a pretty decent job with being an open and honest person. I try not to put too much faith in people anymore and remind myself “Not everyone has the same heart that you do,” but of course, there’s still always some bit of disappointment there. It’s unavoidable. Even if you know it’s coming, you can’t ever fully prepare for the letdown.

I haven't felt so sad for myself in a very long time. In years, probably. I think maybe because I've felt like this whole time I've been doing nothing but the right things, or at least trying to, and it still didn’t really matter in the end. This is still resulting in heartbreak. And I'm well aware I am owed an apology from Scott for many things, but I forgive him anyway without one. If you always expect people to admit when they’re wrong and to give an apology just because that’s what you always do, it’s just more disappointment. I just wonder though if he's even aware of what he's done, and if he even cares. That’s a hard pill to swallow, knowing how much I care and finally realizing that he may not care as much as I thought he did. Unless he does and he’s just hiding it. Scott is very, very good at hiding his emotions. He is much more reserved than I am. It takes a lot for me at times to really see and feel what is truly going on with him, and still even half the time I cannot quite figure it out or put my finger on it. Making these posts has not only been ways for me to document moments and memories, but also ways to help me reflect and come to realizations about both Scott and this situation.

And even though I told Scott that I like him, told him I have no ill intentions, told him I just wanted to understand, that is still such a small, small portion of all that is really going on inside of me. I felt satisfied telling him just that little bit, because I do feel like it conveyed so much, but I know that the deep inner workings of my own self haven’t come through, and Scott may never see that.

I don’t know how to say out loud what this really feels like. How there have been so many colors, so beautiful, bold and bright, and as I walked to my car, clutching my book to my chest and fighting off my tears, I saw the colors melt away, leaving a stain of what was once there. And I saw the world in a sepia tone, and everything felt so lifeless and dull. I saw all of the colors, and then they were gone, and I have been left to wonder if it would have been better to not have experienced the colors at all. 

And I just don’t know.

[i-have-been-changed-for-good]

Vulnerability

Monday -  Scott comes in super early, so I don’t get to greet him when he first comes in. I’m at the printer when he comes out of his office. As he passes behind the wall I hear, “Hey, Dana.” I say, “Hey, Scott” back. Maybe 10 minutes later I hear him come out of his office and walk in the direction of my cubicle. As he passes my cubicle, we look at each other. He looks exhausted. He goes to Greg’s cubicle which is the first one on the left when you turn down the hall, so I hear them talking, but they’re talking about the draft from Friday. Scott goes to the printer, and then addresses me. I turn around and he asks me if he has to dial a 1 to fax, and I tell him only if it’s outside our company. He asks if he has to dial the 9 too like we do for phone calls. I tell him I don’t think so, but I’m not positive. Joyce interjects and tells him no 9. I say, “Sorry, I’m not much help.” Scott smiles and says it’s alright. I go in to talk to Scott during my lunch and ask him how his day is going. He says so far it’s not too bad. I ask him how the draft was Friday night and he only says it was good. Then he tells me how he almost got into a fight at his friend’s party yesterday. Scott’s daughter is still only 2, and his friend’s kid is 4, so most of the other kids were older than his daughter. Some guy’s daughter kept picking up Scott’s daughter and she didn’t like it, and the other girl wasn’t listening when his daughter kept telling her to stop. Apparently the dad didn’t give a shit, so Scott told his daughter if the girl didn’t listen, she had his permission to hit her. The dad got mad and told Scott not to tell his daughter to hit his kid, and Scott told him if he wasn’t going to control his kid then he was going to do something about it. The girl wouldn’t stop so Scott threatened to punch the guy, who then finally did something about his kid. Scott says he doesn’t want to teach his daughter to be violent, but wants her to learn how to defend herself. I agree, and I say how there’s this saying I like that goes along the lines of “Be kind but take no shit.” Scott agrees. (The saying, I remembered, is actually “Do no harm, but take no shit”, which doesn’t exactly fit well into our conversation. I am not a violent person, but I do believe it’s necessary sometimes.) We talk a bit about how people are not good with handling their kids and Scott asks me about my weekend. I tell him I was out all weekend seeing friends. Glenn from Canadian Dewatering calls, for what Scott says is the 3rd time today. I tell him how Glenn is probably just having a bad day and wants to hear Scott’s voice to make him feel better. Scott thinks this is pretty funny and says so. I mean, when I’m having a bad day, I love to hear Scott’s voice, so I assume everyone else feels the same lol. Chris, Scott’s boss, took off today, and Scott doesn’t know for sure when he’ll be back. Steve has off all this week, and Scott said Chris’s fave time to take off is when someone else does. We end up talking about this morning and Scott would have actually arrived at 8 had he not got stuck at the train. I tell him how the train guy stopped to let a bunch of us go, and Scott said the train guy stopped letting people go when it was Scott’s turn. Scott laughs and says he must have been right behind me. Little does Scott know that this is just the beginning of his terrible week. He starts talking about how when he worked in the other building, if he was even 5 minutes late he would get in trouble. I tell him that’s ridiculous and that a few minutes shouldn’t be a big deal. I tell him how one time I slept through all my alarms and ended up being like 2 hours late. Pete wasn’t in so I came in and went to Joyce and I was hyperventilating and freaking out and she was trying to calm me down. I tell him he needs a mirror in here and he asks me for what, and I tell him so I can look at my hair and whatnot. He says I can just use the window but I tell him it’s not reflective enough, and he jokes how he’ll get me a mirror then. Scott says I look tired, and I feel tired too. I get comfy in the chair and say how I could fall asleep like this, and Scott tells me to go ahead, he won’t tell anyone. There’s only 2 minutes left in my lunch. I know this isn’t the right moment to bring up my depression, but I feel a lot more relaxed about it now that I’ve spent time in Scott’s company. I heat my tea and then decide to go in talk to Scott. He has his hat on backwards and his tinted reading glasses on. When I start talking he takes his glasses off. We talk only for a few minutes because he’s getting a lot of emails. I yawn and he tells me to go yawn somewhere else. I respond back saying that this is the perfect yawning spot. I end up having to heat my tea again, and as I come down the hall, I see Scott is rummaging in his drawer. He looks up at me when I get closer and I give him a little smile and wave. He just looks at me and waves back. I go in to talk to Scott at the end of the day and ask him if it’s still been an easy day for him. He says it has been, but he’s not expecting the rest of the week to be like that. We had talked about this sales guy, Sebastian, during my lunch, and I see Scott has an email open from him. Sebastian has a photo of himself (very few people do) so I happen to see it as I sit down in the chair. “Is that Sebastian?” I ask. Scott can’t stand him. I’ve only had to deal with Sebastian once, and it was a bit frustrating. He kept answering my question indirectly. I tell Scott how there’s this guy from Mexico, Arturo, who’s picture looks like he’s about to bullfight. It looks like his chest is puffed out, but really he just has a big chest. I do the pose for Scott and tell him to look Arturo up in the chat, and when I look at his computer, I see that I am Scott’s second contact. I’m pinned under Frequent Contacts, and I’m the second one down. My last name begins with a P, and people are sorted alphabetically by their last name. And I am the second person down. I don’t know if this is a coincidence, but I think how there’s really no other way for me to be second unless Scott made it so. On the outside, I remain cool and collected, but on the inside, I’m having a little party. We look at Arturo’s picture and then I sit back. It’s almost time to go. I look at Scott, who gives me a slight smile and slightly nods his head up. I feel okay doing this. I thought about this all weekend. I mostly pictured Scott sitting there, looking at me, not saying anything, only because I didn’t want to have any expectations and set myself up for any let downs. I did think up a whole speech just in case Scott did ask certain questions, but really, all I want to do is just let him know what happened Friday. “Thank you for asking if I was okay Friday.” I look at him and he’s looking at me and slightly smiling. He says, “You’re welcome.” I want to say more, but my mind goes blank, so I just give him a big, closed-mouth smile. Then he asks, “Are you? You seem aight now.” I look away as I say, “I have depression and I was having a really bad episode on Friday.” I look back at him and he says, “That sucks.” He asks me if I take anything and I say that I am on medication, but it still happens sometimes and that when it does, it’s hard for me to function properly. I get all emotional for a second as I say this, but I’m able to compose myself quickly. Scott is still watching me and he says, “Yeah, I knew something was wrong.” He says again, “That sucks. That really sucks” and I give him a look and say, “Yes, I know” and he smiles at me. We probably could have talked more about it but he gets paged for a phone call. He’s still on the phone when I’m ready to leave, so I go to his doorway and wave at him and he waves back.

Tuesday -  Scott comes in earlier than yesterday, so I don’t get to greet him, yet again. A few minutes after he comes in, I make my coffee. I leave my Contigo container next to the coffee machine and go to the recycling bin to throw out the paper cup (my Contigo doesn’t fit under the machine). I come back up the hallway at the exact moment Scott comes out of his office to go down the hall to the mini fridge. We both greet each other and wave. I walk by after cleaning my smoothie cup, and I get hit with a sudden pang of sadness that Scott doesn’t look at me. He rarely does now, even when I go out into the warehouse or come down the hall during my lunch. I’m trying to get used to this, but it’s hard, and it still hurts. Somehow the blinds in Steve’s window got messed up at the bottom so some of them are closed, and every time I go to the printer I see them in my peripheral vision. It’s been bothering me and also I would like some Attention™  from Scott, so I decide to just go and fix them. I also know Scott won’t bother to fix them, so I might as well do it. I go to the doorway and turn and fix the blinds. I look at Scott, who had turned to me. I tell him they were bothering me and he says if I want to fix them, be his guest. When it’s my lunch and I’m coming down the stairs from grabbing my lunch bag, Scott walks around the corner. I wave and he says, “Hey Dane”, and he just stares at me as I come down the stairs. I ask if his acid reflux is bothering him but he says his shoulders hurt. He’s rummaging in the first aid kit at the receptionist desk, and I stop to continue talking to him. I ask if he had his chiropractor yesterday but he says he goes on Thursday this week. He says something else about it but I cleared my throat when he started talking. I ask him to repeat, but had to clear my throat again. He tries to repeat himself a 3rd time but I coughed. I’m like wtf Dana. He comes around from behind the desk and says he’s insanely busy today. I make a sad face at him and he says he’s either going to quit or just walk out and not come back the rest of the week. I go in during my lunch and he’s still very busy. Chris took off again today and tomorrow. Apparently, he only took tomorrow off cuz his one son starts kindergarten. Scott and I both agree he doesn’t need the whole day off for that. Scott jokes about feigning getting sick or the phone lines breaking, and I tell him I could break his phone, maybe accidentally throw it against the wall. He laughs and says they would just get him a new phone, but he appreciates my willingness to help. He tells me he took off all next week, which I already knew and have been dreading. I ask him if he’s going anywhere and he says he will probably do the shore for a few days but not the whole time. It pains me to think of him spending time with his wife. I hate it. I have stretchy pants on today and I’m sitting cross-legged in the chair. Scott says how they don’t make those for guys and I say they have men’s yoga pants but Scott said he wouldn’t wear those. I agree that tight pants don’t look good on guys, in my opinion. Scott isn’t too busy while I’m in there, and he doesn’t get a single phone call. I say that I’m good luck and he says I might be, and tells me to grab my shit and move to Steve’s desk. If that were actually plausible, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Scott waves and says, “Hey, Joey!” I look and see Joe down the other end of the hall. I feel annoyed, because Scott barely acknowledges me anymore, but I guess in Scott’s defense he’s also turned toward the door right now since he’s talking to me. I tell Scott how I’m in the mood for ice cream and he tells me to go get some, even though my lunch is almost over. I tell him how I don’t really keep junk at home, so if I really want it, I’ll have to go out and get it. We somehow get talking on girl scout cookies and we both say how we could eat the whole box. I say, “Yeah, and then you look at the box and go ‘What did I just do?’” Scott cracks up laughing and says, “Yeah, and 'I can’t believe I just ate the whole box.’” We both laugh. Scott, at one point, just stares at his screen, and then he looks at me. I ask him what he’s thinking about and he says he’s thinking if he wants to go out and get lunch or not. He has hoagies from the party he went to on Sunday, but he doesn’t really want them and they’re probably soggy. We get talking about Charles and Jameel and how Charles is the only one getting on him about shipping stuff because no one else will. I say how we have had parts for an urgent order since Thursday, and Jameel didn’t pick it till today. Charles even put the parts on Jameel’s desk and Jameel still waited to do it. And the customer kept emailing us but we can’t respond because what are we supposed to say: we have the parts but our guys won’t pack it? Scott says he deals with the same thing and doesn’t know what to say, like “Sorry, we suck.” I crack up laughing. That’s accurate. I print orders right after my lunch and as I’m standing at the printer I hear Scott let out an audible sigh. He sounds so cute, but I also feel bad for him because he’s so busy and he’s handling a 2-person job by himself. I go out into the warehouse as Scott is on the phone with Greg, who sits by me and had put Scott on speaker. Scott sees me go out, so when I come back in we look at each other. When I heat my tea in the late afternoon, I go in to talk to Scott. I know he’s busy, but I also don’t want to pass this week up when I can talk to him whenever. I ask him if his day is better and he says no. I mention how Joey put boxes under his monitors to act as a mock stand-up desk. We both think that was a good idea. The only thing is, Joey can’t sit down now lol. Scott goes over to his bookshelf to get one of the giant binders with all the parts listed (what they used before it was on our computer system). Scott bends over to grab one off the bottom shelf and my first thought is, “Holy shit.” He has such a nice butt and I get such a good view, and I see the dark blue band of his underwear. I just stand there, rooted to the spot. He’s bent over for quite some time. He stands up and flips to a part in the binder, then he closes it, clearly annoyed. He slowly swaggers back over to his computer and snaps me out of my reverie by saying people only ask about stuff he doesn’t know when he’s the only one there and can’t ask anyone. He needs info only Chris has. He’s in a bad mood, but I don’t mind. As long as I can be in his presence, that’s all that matters to me. I stand there trying to think of something I could do or say to make his day better. I ask him the time and when he tells me, I point out how there’s only about an hour and a half left in the day. He says that’s true. He says how someone messaged him wanting 58 hoses overnighted, which is impossible, and Scott says the guy who ordered knows that. It’s the end of the day, and for hoses we need to schedule trucks, and 58 is a lot of fucking hoses. Scott says it’s a $42,000 order and I say how that’s more than I make in a year. I feel like dancing today, and I tell Scott so, but that it’s a bit difficult to freely dance sitting at a desk. I can only kind of bop a bit. Scott tells me to dance and that he could use the entertainment. I respond, “No thanks, I don’t want to be laughed at.” Scott says, “How do you know I’d laugh? I won’t laugh.” I don’t think he would, and I wouldn’t mind dancing in front of (or for) Scott, but I at least need music playing, even if it’s only in my head, to do so. I ask Scott why there’s a random vase on his windowsill and he says it was Chris’s but he didn’t take it when he moved. He says he should go in his office now and throw it against his office wall. Scott might be a little pissed that Chris abandoned him lol. I say it is an ugly vase and looks like a dino egg. I tell Scott I’ll talk to him later and that I hope his day gets better. He thanks me and says how I should stay because the phone stops ringing when I’m in there. “I told you, I’m good luck,” I say, and he says I might be. He said I should buy him a lottery ticket and I say if he wins, he has to split it with me, and he says of course he will. I stand there a few moments, then walk away. I’m printing stuff some time after 4 and I’m waiting at the printer for it. I know Scott is going to come out before he does, not because I hear him, which I don’t, but because I feel him. I could sense him. I turn to look at him as he walks toward me and instinctively smile. Scott raises his eyebrows up first, and then he can’t help but smile back at me. When he comes out of the bathroom, he goes over to the printer to grab a fax. I look at him, but he’s just standing there reading it, so I turn back to my computer. I don’t know if he looks at me. I go in at the end of the day and ask if he’s ready to leave on time, and he says that’s not happening. I say how the new guy always tries to close the warehouse door nicely, and he needs to just let it slam like it’s supposed to do, because it makes a weird noise when he tries to close it himself. It bothers me. Scott gets frustrated, as he exited out of an order by accident and lost the order number. “I’m sorry,” I say. “Did I distract you?” Scott replies, “it’s alright”, but I feel bad. I stare off to the left of him, and after a few moments. Scott turns and stares at me. I ask, “What?” and he responds, “Nothing.”  He has an order and highlights one of the lines. I tell him how his highlighting skills are getting better, and he says something back to me, sarcastically, though I don’t remember what. I say how this chair is so comfy. It is. He says something but he has a mint in his mouth, so I don’t understand him. I playfully mimic him. I say it’s time to go and Scott says, “Yeah, and I’m still working.”  I say, “Bye Scott see you tomorrow” and he says the same back to me. I look in through Steve’s window and saw Scott had just turned away from looking at me. I think Scott could tell at the end how I wanted to bring something up, but I need to think about it more. His wife is a tough topic for me. So one thing I wanted to mention was how in my meditation I did Monday night, I saw Scott at one point and he said he would be wearing blue the next day. Sure enough, he had on blue today. Could just be a coincidence, I don’t know. Could be real, but if it is, I’m not sure if it’s significant since it was only about his shirt. But it really started me thinking about something, which I’m not going to put here. At least not yet.

Wednesday -  I make sure I start printing earlier than usual, and I take my time making my coffee and putting my papers together, this way I can stretch it out. I really want to say hello to Scott when he comes in. I’m facing the printer when the back door beeps. I turn my head to the right while he’s about halfway up the hall, and I wave and greet him. He does the same. He had taken his sunglasses off and we lock eyes. We end up having a fire drill, but the alarms don’t work. The lady who told us didn’t go and tell Scott, so I go to his doorway and say we have a fire drill. Scott asks if we have to leave and I say, “Yeah, it’s a fire drill.” He responds, “I don’t fucking care” but he grabs his sunglasses. I walk away. Aside from my big boss and the 2 guys he was in a meeting with, Scott is the last person out. He walks out in that casual, slow stride of his. We’re inside for maybe 10-20 minutes when I decide to go talk to him. “Rebelling?” I ask. He says he’s really busy and that he’s gonna quit and that he’s gonna text Chris he’s leaving. He apologizes to me for complaining, but I tell I’m I don’t mind, which is true. Then I ask, “Is there anything I can do to make your day better?” Scott laughs and says, “I don’t know.” He’s still looking at his screen. I look away as I say, “Well, if you think of anything, just let me know.” I look back at Scott and am surprised to see him turned toward me. He has this look on his face that is hard to describe, especially since he had his tinted reading glasses on, but he’s looking at me almost adoringly and like he’s happy I care about him. I beam at him. He thanks me and turns back to his computer and then gets a phone call, so I walk away. I noticed that I haven’t been popping out lately when Scott uses the bathroom, and I feel like I should every now and then. Scott hasn’t made tea lately since he’s been buying coffee, so I don’t get to pop out then either. These changes bug at times, though I wonder if we have made up for them in other ways. Right after I go on lunch, I grab paper towels out of one of the top cabinets by the printer. As I turn to walk away, I hear shuffling, so I look over my shoulder and see Scott walking into his office. He raises his eyebrows up at me, but I don’t really respond. During my lunch, I ask if his day has gotten better and he says, “I don’t know how to answer that.” “Aw, I feel bad.” “Its not your fault.” I laugh, “I wasn’t blaming myself.” He’s annoyed because the one receptionist is trying to give him a phone call, but it’s not something Scott can help the person with. They’ve tried to do that to me too. They don’t like to tell people no one can talk to them right now, I think because then they have to hear it from whoever is calling. I tell Scott that I got my ice cream last night and how the froyo place near me had vanilla almond milk froyo and he said it sounds good. He talks about quitting again but says he needs his job. I’m not sure whether to take this seriously or not. I tell him that he’s doing a good job and that Steve would have broken the phone by now. Scott thanks me and smiles down at me. Not long after this, he gives me a nice little look. I wanna know so badly what he thinks about me. Scott looks at his phone and then a little smile crosses his face. He picks up his phone and texts for the next few minutes while we casually talk. My stomach twists thinking that it may be his wife texting him and making him smile. I notice the circular part I had been playing with awhile back, and it’s at the back of Scott’s desk and on the other side. I tell him and he grabs it for me to play with. I usually fiddle with it when he gets phone calls. Scott says he always forgets when he puts his caps lock on, and then realizes it after he already types something out. That explains why everything he types is either all lower case or all caps. I say when I’m in an email, Outlook automatically corrects it once I start typing, but I think you have to type fast in order for it to do that. Scott says he’s not a good typer and types slow, and that he has to look at the keyboard. I figured that much out myself awhile ago, but I think it’s cute. Scott talks about his reading glasses and I reach my hand out. I don’t realize I do that until after I do it. I ask to see them. He hands them to me. I’m not sure how he feels about me wearing them, so I only put them up close to my face, without them touching my nose. “Whoa.” Everything looks like it’s coming in at me. I’ve never tried on reading glasses before. Scott laughs and asks if everything looks magnified and I say yeah. I’m amazed, and keep pulling them in then back out again. “It looks like the wall is moving in toward me.” “Well, you’re only supposed to look at stuff close up, not far away.” He says how he’s thinking about getting new ones because these can be kind of hard to see out of and he thinks they don’t look good on him and are too small for his face. I support him getting new ones, because God he looks so good in glasses, but I tell him the ones he has now aren’t too small and that they only look like sunglasses. He says again how he thinks they look stupid and I tell him they honestly only look like sunglasses. Then I say, “I wouldn’t lie.” Scott says back, “I know” and looks down at me with a little smile on his face. He says how its so hot out in the warehouse, and is part of the reason why he took the job in the offices. He said the heat is affecting him today, but not making him tried, just angry and annoyed. He’s tired of people procrastinating and ordering stuff last minute and wanting stuff shipped overnight. He says he just doesn’t care anymore and I tell him i support his decision to not care, and that not caring sometimes can feel so liberating. He says, “Exactly.” He asks if we can switch jobs for the day since I don’t have much going on, and I tell him that’s fine, he can take it easy, but I will probably mess all his stuff up. He says that’s fine, he doesn’t care. In the afternoon, I’m turned sort of to the left facing my doorway, flipping through invoices and organizing them. My head is tilted down, but not completely. Scott walks by and I can tell in my peripheral vision he was looking in at me when he walked by. I didn’t have time to look up since it happened so quick. There’s water ice out in the warehouse offices, and before I go out I ask Scott if he wants any if they have cherry. He tells me no. I come back in and tell him they did have cherry and lemon, plus pretzels and fruit. I grabbed an orange. Hes still crazy busy and I ask him if he even took a lunch today, and he says he ate really fast and then went back to work. There’s been sales meetings all day yesterday and today, so Scott has been getting emails and calls meant for them, even though he can’t help people. Some of the sales team are back, but others took the rest of the day off to go golfing. He can’t wait till Friday, but I can’t believe it’s Wednesday already. I want the week to slow down since I’m not ready for him to be out all next week :( I say how it’s cold coming back in here from the hot warehouse and how I have my heater on. Scott tells me I’m nuts. His office is slightly warmer than out in the open where I sit. I tell him how I’ve been having really bad chest pains the past few days and think it might have been from acid reflux I was having last week. Scott says it could most likely be from that. “Yeah, I was sitting at my desk reading up on all this heart stuff thinking, 'Hmm, hope I don’t die.’ Haha” to which Scott immediately responds, “Yeah, me too.” I stare at him. He’s still working and looking at his screen, but if he could see my face. I finally laugh and say, “thanks.” 

I go in at the end of the day and exclaim, “You made it through another day!” Scott says, “Almost. Let’s see if I can make it the last 2.” I respond, “I believe in you” and he smiles at me. Then, a moment later, he gives me a really sweet look. I sit down in the chair and the circular part is still standing up on his desk as I left it during my lunch. I blow on it to try and see if I can get it to move. It does a little bit, but then rolls back toward me. I try a few more times and then give up, saying how I don’t have good breath retention or something like that. Scott says, “Smoke a lot?” “Nooo, I had asthma.” Scott says he didn’t know that, though I did tell him awhile back. I don’t know what made him think I was a smoker though. He says how he’s made it through 5 days so far, and I say it’s only been 3, but I forgot he was by himself last Thursday and Friday too. He’s playing with a purple rubber band, but doesn’t know where it came from. I tell him I had a purple rubber band too randomly on my desk before and didn’t know where it came from. He pretends that he’s going to shoot it at me and I start telling him about the wasps and bottle caps that people would shoot at each other when I was in high school. I want to bring up his wife once it reaches 4:45, and I stay an extra minute, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Scott and I exchange our good byes and I walk out feeling frustrated with myself.

Thursday -  In the morning, I turn around at the last second to say hi to Scott. He was already smiling at me. When I clean my smoothie cup, I end up talking to Ed, who’s cubicle is right by the sink. We end up talking for about 20 minutes, and then we go down the hall. Ed addresses Scott and Scott turns to look at us, and I can see he looks at me as I walk by, while Ed goes to his doorway, but Scott’s face stays neutral. I go out to the warehouse to get a price off the fed ex machine, and Scott is standing out in the middle of the floor, talking to Damien, who is in a forklift. They both see me and Damien says, “it’s all her fault…..in her high heeled boots.” I just give a little smile and keep walking. They’re both watching me. I go over to the Fed ex machine and start entering the info, then look back at them. Well, I look at Scott. He’s staring at me. I look back at him for a few seconds and then turn back to the machine. When I walk back, I don’t see him anywhere. I come back inside and talk to Joyce about the order I have, and when I walk out of her cubicle, Scott opens up the warehouse door carrying a part. He gives me a little smirk. I had seen Chris walk in, so I go to his doorway to tell him. He already knew Chris would be in today because Linda, the receptionist, told him. I asked how she knew but not him, and he doesn’t know. I ask if he’s really busy and he says it’s crazy, but he expected it to be. I ask if he thinks it will be better with Chris here and his response is “can’t be any worse.” I watch him for a few moments and he looks so handsome. I tell him I will talk to him later. I come out of Joyce’s cubicle with orders to take out into the warehouse. As i pass the big hall right there, Scott is just closing Chris’s office door. He goes to cut through sales, but he sees me, his tongue comes out between his lips, and he backtracks. When I get to the warehouse door, I look over my shoulder, and sure enough, Scott followed me. When I come back inside, we look at each other. I go back out into the warehouse yet again, and on my way back, I happen to see Scott in the aisle next to mine. I don’t see his face, just his midriff. I know he walks up and back the wrong aisle sometimes. If he had walked up mine we would’ve passed each other. I come down the hall during my lunch, and a warehouse guy is passing by Scott’s office into the warehouse and says hi to him, so Scott actually stays facing his doorway and looking at me when I come in. I ask how his day is, but it’s not good. I tell him there’s sausage, peppers, and onions upstairs, but he says peppers and onions upset his stomach, so he’s just going to buy lunch. I look at the side of his butt, and then I see Scott look down at me. He caught me. I ask if he can smell my pants. “Smell your what?” “My pants. They have that weird chemical smell. I got some of it out but not all of it.” He asks if I’m talking about the new pant smell, but I don’t think we’re on the same page lol. He says he can’t smell anything, so I guess people in close range of me can’t smell it. I tell him I forgot my hair ties today and that I have a rubber band in my hair. I’m the only woman here with long hair aside from Rebecca, who isn’t here today, and Tammy, who always wears her hair down. I never even noticed that and neither did Scott. I say how I’ve been growing my hair out for 5 years and if I go short again, it won’t be for a long time. My hair was badly damaged from being overbleached by my hairdresser at the time I decided to go blonde, so that’s why it’s taking so long to grow. I show Scott a picture from when I was super blonde, like an ashy gray blonde. He says it doesn’t look like me, but it’s also from a few years ago and I have a lot of makeup on. Plus I’m in the sunlight, which Scott doesn’t really get to see me in. I say how I hate using the fed ex machine and Scott says, “you use that for shipments?” ….I mean, he was staring at me earlier while I was using it. I wonder what he had been thinking about while he had been watching me. I’m tempted to ask him what he and Damien were saying about me, but I think better of it and decide not to ask. Scott says he’s just been deleting emails and not responding to people if they’re contacting him about stuff that has nothing to do with him. He doesn’t have time to respond to everyone. He says people always come to him for answers because he will actually give it to them, and he’s just going to start messing up. I say, “Yeah, then they’ll start saying, 'Don’t go to Scott, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.’” His back hurts him and he thinks that standing up is actually making it worse because his computer isn’t high enough on the stand up desk. I tell him to put something under the monitor so it sits up higher, and he says “Maybe. I’ll think about it on vacation.” I say, “I’m sure that is not gonna happen” and he grins at me. I woke up super late today (7:25 And I have to leave by 7:45) and Scott says he has to leave the house by 7:25 because of all the traffic from construction. The construction should be done soon, but then he’ll have to deal with getting stuck behind school buses. I say how they’re adding new stop lights on my route because of new buildings there, one of which is Amazon. He says he passed that Amazon on his way to Mark’s house for the draft since Mark lives by there. I tell him my apartment is .literally down the street and around the corner. Funny how while I was at home Friday night, Scott, unknowingly to both of us, was only down the street from me.

Scott asks me if I want anything and I ask him to get me a Starbucks frappe. When he comes back, he comes all the way into my cubicle and stands facing one side, rummaging in his pocket to get my change. I put my drink in the fridge for a bit, and when I go and grab it, I walk down into Scott’s office. Scott is insanely busy and we only talk for a few minutes. He apologizes and says he’s listening, he just has a lot of emails. I says it’s okay and that I’ll talk to him later, I know he’s busy. He says, “Its aight” but I tell him i should probably be working too. So around 4ish toward the end of the day, I put Ryn Weaver’s album on shuffle. The first song starts playing, and I say to myself, “I will see Scott when 'Here is Home’ starts playing.” It’s a really random thought, but that’s what I think. There are 11 songs on the album, 42 minutes total, and 'Here is Home’ is 4 minutes and 21 seconds. Okay, so I’m going about my filing and completely forget about that premonition. When I’m about halfway through the album, the song comes on, and almost right after it starts playing, I hear the bathroom door open. I stop what I’m doing and look in the security mirror and see it’s Scott. He goes over to the printer to grab a fax while I just stand there dumbstruck. How did I know this would happen? He goes back into his office and then comes back out to make tea, and the song is still playing. I come out of my cubicle with some papers to go to the filing cabinet and as I come out, I pull my hair back and give him a flirty look, which he responds to with a little smile. I come back from filing and the song is almost over. I ask if he didn’t get his coffee today and he said he just wants tea for his throat from talking so much. I tell him I have tea if he wants it, but he says he doesn’t know if it’ll taste good with his vanilla creamer. I gave him honey before, but I don’t know if he remembers. I tell him I’m only offering and he grins at me and says, “I know.”

I go in at the end of the day and ask if Chris left. Scott said he did, that he only came in for like 2 hours. I feel really pissed, though I don’t show it to Scott. I can’t believe Chris just left Scott to handle everything by himself. Scott has music playing and I ask if he keeps it on all day and he says he does. He doesn’t always even realize it’s playing but he likes it as background noise. He’s hopeful tomorrow won’t be busy since Fridays tend to be a bit slower for him. I seize a momentary lag in our conversation to finally say what I need to, “I wanted to ask you something. I hope you don’t mind.” I look up at Scott, who slowly looks down at me. He has that neutral smile on his face, the one he always puts on during these types of conversations between us. I can’t read him other than knowing that he knows what topic I’m about to bring up. “Could you not bring up your wife around me, like you did last week?” I ask. He responds with, “Why not?”. My heart sinks. I was hoping he would just say yes and get this done and over with, but I know Scott is probably just trying to turn this around on me to take some pressure off himself, and I get the impression he’s not too fond of being told what to do, though I ask him as nice I possibly can. I know that’s just his personality. Linda is down the hall and saying something in to Scott. He replies and then turns back to me with the same neutral expression. I look at him, hoping he’ll just answer me and not want for me to answer him first. After a few moments of staring at each other, he asks, “Well?”. I know I won’t get an answer from him unless I tell him why, though I know he already knows why, but I say, “It upset me. I didn’t think it would, but it did.” He says, “I don’t know. It’s kinda hard not to mention her sometimes.“ I say back, “I didn’t mean in general, just around me.” He repeats “I don’t know” a few times. I look away from him, my hands subconsciously going through my hair as I say, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Scott.” “Aight, Dane.” I walk out, my hair over my shoulder and in my hand. I don’t look back at Scott and I don’t look through Steve’s window. I don’t cry when I leave, I don’t cry when I get home, I don’t cry at all about it. In fact, while I feel a little sad, I feel more disappointed than anything. I know it was a weird thing to ask, I know, but I needed to mention it, for my own mental health. I don’t want to have him mention her in front of me and then me fall into a depressive state again. And with him having off all next week, I knew there was a possibility of him mentioning his wife when he came back, so I knew I had to do it. And I kept telling myself, “Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need.” I had other reasoning as well, but those were the main ones. Unfortunately, our friendship must come with Terms and Conditions. Scott not giving me a straight answer was….disconcerting. So I guess there’s a possibility he may mention her again, unless he was just playing it off and acting like he doesn’t know. I don’t see how he wouldn’t know though? Like, how hard would it be for him to not mention his wife during the little bit of time we talk every day? I’m hoping he does respect my feelings and not mention her again. And him saying it’s hard not to mention her is definitely within the Top 3 Most Bullshit Things Scott Has Ever Said. He managed to go 8 months without ever mentioning her in our conversations, and when he did finally mention her, it was 100% unnecessary to our conversation. 100% fucking percent. I don’t know what he’s playing at here. And I know he saw that I had been crying and he’s not stupid, so I know he most likely related it back to him mentioning his wife. This also made me realize where my mind is at. I had said I didn’t think him mentioning her to me would be upsetting, though in truth I know it would be, but I try to convince myself all the time I’m okay with how things are. But I’m not. I’m clearly not. And it’s becoming ever more obvious. I keep telling myself we’re just friends, which we are, but I want more with Scott. And it’s a thorn in my side.

Friday -  I jump up and go to the printer when I hear the back the back door open. I turn my head around and Scott is looking at me with a neutral face. I softly say, “Hey, Scott” and he says, “Hey, Dana.” I give him a soft smile and he gives me a small smile back. I wanted to make sure I greeted him this morning because I didn’t want him to think I was mad at him. I’m not mad, though my disappointed feeling still carried over into today. When I had got home yesterday, I felt like I never wanted to see or talk to Scott again. I thought about completely breaking off our friendship. But once I calmed down, I realized that I want none of that. I have to really learn to accept that Scott is married and that that’s just unfortunate for me. So, my dumb ass like to sleep with my contacts in most nights, which is not good. It’s really affecting my eyes, and today I noticed that my eyes are really red and bloodshot. (I have successfully taken them out every night since then, by the way.) I know Scott has eye drops, so I decide to go and ask him for some. I go in and say, “Heeey.” I can tell right away that he’s busy, just from the way hes sitting. He always sits a certain way when he’s busy. “Do you have any eye drops left? My eyes are really red.” “Yeah, I guess you can just keep it since it’s individual packs.” He rummages in his drawer. “It’s not your last one is It?” “Nah I have more.” “How’s your day so far?” “I’m good knowing it’s my last day.“ "I can’t believe Chris just abandoned you.” “Yeah, me either.” “Well you should be proud of yourself, you did it all on your own.” He laughs and says, “Thanks. I knew I could do it, I just didn’t want to.” “You got your hair cut.” “Yeah.” I know his wife probably cut it. “Thanks for the eye drops, Scott.” “You’re welcome, Dana.” “I’ll talk to you when I come in for my lunch.” “Aight.” I hit his printer with my foot when I turn around. I got new van Gogh Vans, but they’re a little big, and also the shoes are made as wide, when I have narrow feet. I’m keeping them though. “Are you alright?” “Yeah.” I turn around to look at him and he’s smiling at me. Joyce and I go vigilante and decide to take our old storage cubicle back since the intern has been done for a few weeks now and they left his computer and whatnot in there. She tells me to just start putting boxes in there as I fill them up. The one box that I filled has a broken handle, so I drag it around the corner to the cubicle, which is diagonal from Scott’s office. It’s been months since I used it. Scott doesn’t acknowledge me whatsoever. I wonder if this will ever get easier. When I go in during my lunch, I ask Scott if it’s slowed down and he says it hasn’t. He said people are being difficult by calling when it would be easier for both him and them if they just emailed. I tell him some people are difficult on purpose. I deal with all the time at the restaurant. I tell him I remember when I was 16 and worked at an ice cream place over the summer, a guy ordered a large cherry water ice. Our cherry was always hard and icy, so it was difficult to scoop. The guy stood there and watched me struggling to fill his large, then when I go to hand it to him, he says, “I wanted chocolate.” I think that was my first bad experience with a customer and that’s why I remember it so well lol. I tell him how when we had the fire alarm the other day, Sue came to my cubicle and said, “You need to go.” And I just looked at her and said, “What?”. She gave me no context and the alarms weren’t working, so I was bewildered as to what the heck she was saying that to me for. Then she finally said it was a fire drill. I crack up laughing and Scott smiles. He’s really, really busy, and I don’t know if me talking is helping or not. I say how I have my new shoes on and he turns and looks at them and smiles. He says they’re nice, though not quite his style. We get on the topic of Chris, and Scott says even if Chris had been there, he probably wouldn’t have been much help. He could’ve taken a few phone calls at least, but other than that Scott doesn’t think Chris would do much. We start complaining about other people, like the dock guys and Scott complains about Angelo. I say how I was hoping to talk to Angelo today because I saw his schedule was free aside from the morning, but it’s because he’s not in the office lol. I’m still not permanent (surprise!). I tell Scott how my PSE&G grant went through today and I even have a $50 credit. I tell him I almost cried, which is true. I don’t have an electric bill to pay for this month. Toward the end of my lunch, Scott suddenly turns to me and gives me his full attention. My legs are draped over the corner of his desk and my feet are crossed. He looks at my shoes and asks, “So why van Gogh?” I start talking about how he’s my favorite artist, how his brother financially supported him so without Theo there would be no artwork from Vincent, how they’re buried next to each other with sunflowers planted everywhere. Scott gives me his full attention while I’m talking. I could go on and on, but I say instead, “I bet you wish you had shoes as cool as mine.” Scott laughs and jokingly says yeah, he does. He says he was never really into Vans, and I’m not either, I just really wanted these shoes, which I do love. He was always more into Nike whereas I was always more into Converse. I say how the worst shoes ever are those toe running shoes and Crocs. Then he says how “my boy” wore Crocs, referring to the intern that was here. I make a face and go, “My boy? How was he my boy?” Scott smiles at me but doesn’t answer. I guess he’s teasing me. We talk another minute about shoes and the intern, and then I look at the time. My lunch ended several minutes ago.

I’m at the printer when Scott walks out of his office to go and talk to Chris, the engineer, who is currently occupying an office that isn’t his, so Scott has to walk past me. He gives me a small smirk as he walks by. I go back into my cubicle and he goes into his office a minute or so later, then comes out and asks me if I want anything. I give him money for another frappe and he says they didn’t have many left when he was there yesterday. I tell him if they don’t have it to just get me something else and use his best judgment. Scott knows my taste pretty well by now. He comes into my cubicle and when I hand him the money, he also grabs my one finger.

I put my headphones in and am printing stuff for awhile. When Scott comes back in from his lunch, I have my back to my cubicle door and am dancing. He says, “Here you go” and I turn around. He’s smiling big at me. I thank him and ask for my change as he walks away, which I don’t mean to do. I’m having a lot of anxiety about money right now, so it just slips out. The only reason I’m even able to buy any of these drinks this week is because my dad gave me $20 when I saw him Wednesday. After a minute or two Scott comes back and hands me $2. He says he had to go to WaWa and they were $3 there when they’re $2.50 at ShopRite. I don’t know. I trust Scott to give me the correct change. A few minutes pass and then something clicks in my brain. I go to Scott’s doorway. “You didn’t go to WaWa just for me, did you?” He responds, “Nah, I had to get gas too.” I thank him again for getting me the coffee. A little later, I use the last of the water in the jug, so I change it. We have full ones sitting by it already, so I only have to take the old one out into the warehouse. There must have been some water at the top of the machine still, because when I put the new jug on, water splashes all over me. I go out into the warehouse and place the jug by Scott’s window, then look at him. He looks back at me. I go inside and he’s facing the doorway. I pull my shirt out and grin. He smiles and asks me what I did. I tell him it’s from changing the water jug and he tells me to grab a new shirt out of the closet, but I tell him it’s only water. Then, because I like to take an opportunity when I see one, I arch my lower back, my hips tilting forward and stomach pulled in, and I lift my shirt to look at my stomach. I act like I’m airing out my shirt at first, and then very noticeably hold my shirt up for a few good seconds, so Scott can see my whole stomach. There is literally no reason for me to do this other than showing off. I look at Scott, who is grinning widely at me. (I check later in the bathroom mirror, and the way I positioned myself was actually really good because it engaged my abs. I don’t know how I actually knew to do this, but good job me. You go, girl.) I go in his office an say I’m ready to go and he says he is too, so I say, “Let’s just leave.” Scott says he actually could just go since his boss isn’t even here, but then Steve would get hit with everything on Tuesday. I ask if Steve is in Disney World the whole time and Scott says only part of the time he is. I say how I’ve never been to Disney World, only Disney Land and Scott says “I went to Disney World for the time when I was – about 10 years ago.” I don’t know if he does this purposely or not so that he doesn’t reveal his age, but like, I know how old he is. I saw how I did go when I was 3 or 4 but I don’t count that, and he says that’s true for him too. Then I mention for probably the 50th time about how I went to Universal and that was good enough for me because they have Harry Potter Wizarding World there. Scott tells me I’m like a kid with that. I smile at him. I would like to go back to Florida to swim with the manatees and possibly even sharks too, though manatees are top of my list. Scott says he’ll pass on the sharks and I say how I’ll come back with pictures and show him and he’ll say “That’s so cool, Dana. I wanna do it now too.” He says that’s not going to happen and then he gets a phone call so I leave. At the end of the day, which I hoped would never actually come, I go to the paper bin. When I turn around, I see Scott turn away real fast. He had been looking at me. I go in and exclaim, “You did it! You survived the Week from Hell!” Scott says how it was terrible and I respond, “Well, that’s why it’s called the Week from Hell.” I ask him if he’s ready to relax now and he says he is. He asks me if the eye drops helped and I say how they helped a little, but my eyes are still a bit red. I tell him I think it’s from sleeping with my contacts in a lot. He tells me how once, before an eye doctor appointment, he took a nap and when he went to the eye doctor they could tell he slept with his contacts in and they gave him shit for it. I mean, I don’t know who takes their contacts out just for a nap anyway. I say how Steve is going to come in Tuesday all relaxed, but Scott disagrees. Since Steve has 3 girls, Scott doesn’t think his vacation could be all that relaxing. I mention how when I went to Universal, my nephew was ready to go back to the hotel and watch TV after about 45 minutes. Scott laughs and says that sounds about right. He points out how the times are different between the computer and the work phones. I noticed that too. The work phones are two minutes fast. We know because our cell phones match up with the computers. I also say how Outlook times are weird, because sometimes I’ll notice I’ll get an email and the time on the email will be a minute ahead. I joke that the email came from the future. I tell him I’m doing dinner with my family tonight and he asks me where. I tell him and he says Chris lives right by there. I’m excited for the wedding tomorrow because I really want to wear my new dress. I tell him it’s at the aquarium. He says he’s heard of weddings going on there, but it wouldn’t be a place he would pick to get married. I agree. I wonder if the way he worded that means that he isn’t going to mention his wife again, and I’m hopeful. He takes a last sip of his canned latte and tells me that it’s good and I should try it because I’d probably like it. Then he adds, “Well, maybe not. You have weird taste.” I tell him he’s the one with weird taste, not me. He throws the can into the trash and I say he should recycle. He tells me if I care so much to go and grab it then, and I just look at him. He’s only joking with me. He says, “I’m going to miss coming in in the mornings….sike!” I almost say how I will miss him coming in in the mornings, but I make the better decision not to say that lol. During our conversation, I look at his smile a lot, and I wonder if it’s a subconscious thing on my part, since I won’t get to see his smiling face for a week and a half.

It’s time to leave, so I go and grab my things, say bye to Pete (Joyce left already), and then head to Scott’s doorway to wait for him. He grabs the can out of the trash and says he’ll recycle it to make me happy. I beam at him. I’m walking in front of him, and Chris, the engineer, comes walking behind Scott. He praises Scott for recycling and I say, “See, Chris supports you recycling too!” We get outside and I tell Scott to enjoy his week off. He says, “Aight, Dane. See ya later.” When we leave, the new guy ends up between Scott and I, to my annoyance. I end up not too far behind Scott on the highway, so I see him not too far ahead of me as I get off the highway. My eyes tear up, but I pull myself together and don’t cry.

So far, I have made it through 2 out of 4 workdays without Scott. My day is actually pretty much the same, just a bit quieter I guess. I saw when I walked by his office that the round part is still sitting up on his desk, just as I left it. I have creeped in the security mirror twice, out of habit, till I remembered it can’t possibly be Scott. When I hear the back door open, I also hope it’s him, though I know there’s no way it could be. I do miss talking to him though. And seeing him smile at me. I’m handling it much better than I thought I would, which is obviously very healthy. When he had a Monday off a few weeks ago, it actually didn’t phase me. It was a normal day. I knew that I would get to see him the rest of the week, so I didn’t really think about it too much. As my feelings for him get stronger, I don’t know, there’s been many shifts. Positive ones, actually. And me opening up and being vulnerable, I see that also as a good thing.

But in the long run I don’t know if it’s good or bad, since I have developed feelings for Scott, who is married. I mean, miracles happen. We’ll see.