#Which is what I'm hoping the meds do

[front-facing-pokemon]

#manectric #i woke up at like noon today y'all i'm queuing this after work. i forgot about it all day and i was about to hop on totk #but i got the reminder to do it. so here i am. with manectric #el woowoo‚ if you will #a lot happened. yesterday. it was not a very good day. which is why i woke up so late. it was a little bit rough. but i guess it's a new day #so. it'll get better. planning on Not Doing Shit today or tomorrow to compensate for all the Bullshit that happened yesterday #hoping you all are doing well. one week from today (friday june sixteenth) i'll be hopping on a flight for the first time in 10 years #looks like according to the queue this will actually go up the day before we leave. so‚ to you guys‚ i'll be heading out tomorrow #which is scary a little bit. last time i flew i had no idea i was autistic‚ but now that i've come up with a lot of better accommodations #for myself and i understand myself a lot better and my needs‚ i'm realizing a lot of my accommodations just aren't gonna make it through TSA #plus it's a lot of unfamilarity with unfamiliar people and an unfamiliar environment which i feel like is gonna lend itself to sensory #overload like Immediately and i'm probably gonna get a headache bc that's how it manifests for me #so when we get there i'm probably gonna have to run to the nearest pharmacy. and grab some shit. which is annoying! so. i'm a little #worried. about the trip. NONE OF HTIS IS ABOUT MANECTRIC SORRY #this is a pokémon i have a hard time caring about outside of its involvement as the leader of the electrike in amp plains #that's about it #any tips from frequent flyers who are autistic would be greatly appreciated. not even just about flying but about like. going to unfamiliar #places on the other end of the country and stuff. i feel like that's what i'm most worried about even though i'm worried abt all of it #also hi i'm writing these tags from day-of. like the actual day this is going to post. me from a week ago sure did know what she was talking #about! anyway. i'm. gonna like. take my meds now goodBye see you all when this Posts in a few hours

[mothram]

#diana's music diary #good evening I'm a bit fucked rn #last night was so fun but my body feels like complete shit #would do it again but next time I need to drink more water I think cause oughh the pain #psychedelicks are based as fuck though I never felt any nausea even though that's supposed to be common for what I took #did my extraction and removing of the nauseating compounds well i g 😊 ...or my nausea meds helped idk... ahaha... #as for today I'm... playing lethal company with some friends which tbh idk much about other than it being a monster game #supposed to be like phasmophobia or something? #anyway yuh it seems fun enough but I'm a bit out of it still both from pain and just the side effects hitting @@ #hopefully that passes for our project moon ttrpg later... took three diff pain medicines cause it's p bad awawa... #excited to play Frei again... it has been so long... i hope he gets poisoned and dies cause he's the worse OC I have (affectionate) #anyway let's try and make today good friends... love you all... ow... #oh yeah I passed out listening to draining love story and ohgh... was such a good experience while so fucked up... had such vivid dreams...

[belovedspector]

.

#i feel like venting and not a lot of people follow me here so i figured this is the best place to do it #i'm just so tired all the damn time #depression has been kicking my ass #and i've been trying for so long to get a handle on it #and nothing seems to work #going to possibly be starting a new med in a few weeks but idk #i just want to feel normal but i feel like i'll never get to that point #and then there's the fact that i don't really have any friends #the only person i do stuff with is my mom which is kinda sad #but idk how to meet people #ugh i'm just so done with everything #like work has also sucked recently #i had to leave after like half an hour on wednesday and took the rest of the week off #and my boss has been super understanding which is great but again i just want to feel normal and be able to do my work #i feel like such a failure in every aspect of my life #i'm 25 and what have i accomplished? #i know everyone goes at their own pace but god i feel like i'll never catch up #okay i think i'm done now #i doubt anyone read this but if you did uhhhh thank you and i hope you're doing well xo #jace talks #delete later?

[jankwritten]

first psychiatry appointment done. feeling....weird about it.

(venting in the tags. cw for what might be transphobia but i'm not entirely sure lmao)

#vent post #tw vent post #she prescribed zoloft which alright whatever i expected that #but what got to me/rubbed me the wrong way was how she responded to me saying i was trans #she didn't ask me my pronouns or my gender identity. she jumped right into 'when did you first know you were a boy' #and i was already kind of messed up at that point (crying about other stuff) so it caught me off guard and I froze #like. i'm not a boy. i didn't say i was a boy. #but i didn't correct her and didn't get the chance to LATER because when I said 'well I figured it out in like 7th-8th grade' #she started talking about how MOST people figure out they're trans between the ages of 4-5 and how there's a lot of #''''''social pressure'''''' nowadays WHATEVER THAT MEANS?? #and i was like. well okay. fuck me I guess my experiences aren't valid then?? #and then she got kind of awkward about it and moved on so i never got the chance to actually. explain my gender identity #idk. the more i think about it the angrier i get. both at myself for not speaking up and her for saying that kind of shit at all #anyways i'm hoping she has nothing to do with my transition when I go to the endocrin people and talk to them abt it in July #and like she was nice and kind about pretty much everything else. it was just that one thing. #i also feel weird because i overheard the secretary guy tell somebody over the phone that she doesn't like to prescribe #stimulants even to people who have previously been diagnosed with ADHD which. ???? isn't that. the treatment for ADHD??? #which makes me nervous because EYE am going to get tested for ADHD and other such potential neurodivergencies and like. #is she not going to prescribe meds for them if I do have those things?? and what if the testing comes back and I AM autistic #is she going to invalidate that too because there's so many people online who think they're autistic nowadays??? #this all on top of the fact that i had a massive massive panic attack trying to find parking downtown where her office is so I was #already fraazzled and out of it going into the appointment lmao #ahem. so anyway. today has been so rough and I want to sleep for 60000 years. #OH OH OH OH AND WHEN I WAS LIKE 'yeah i took a 10mg thc gummy once but it gave me a massively bad panic attack' #she was like. 'good! I'm glad you reacted like that' and ??? what the hell? that also kinda took me aback. like. wtf?? #why would you be glad that I had a panic attack so bad I almost called 911 and got myself taken to a hospital. like. hello.

[running-in-the-dark]

I'm pretty sure I can never let myself have any kind of surgery that isn't absolutely necessary ever again and it really kind of sucks

#I mean I'm having surgery on my eardrum next month... but that's such a short and simple procedure that it doesn't count #what I mean is - anything that involves having more than a tiny TINY wound/incision #anything that is enough to trigger my.. whatever the fuck this is. it feels like more than just anxiety. #and it's just.. so embarrassing?? people are so fucking awful about this kind of thing #especially doctors. sometimes I need to bring it up because it's relevant that I can't do x because I will faint if I try. and they always #act like that's so fucking silly and childish #as if this isn't bad enough without the stupid comments 😐 #anyway I hate this and had kind of hoped it would be less severe now with the anxiety meds. but no there's been absolutely no change at all #which is upsetting. #why is medical stuff so fucking hard 😭 #like I'm only in a very small amount of pain at this point and my brain still thinks my body is going to die if I even look at the #fucking bandages #from experience I know that won't go away for a while and it's so exhausting. so much worse than the pain #but!! all of it will be worth it if my gallbladder really was the cause of the pain attacks I had #I'd do anything so that I never have to experience that again #personal #tw surgery #tw medical

[justonefeather]

I get packing underwear for myself so I feel better at work mostly. I don't go to a job where i wear sweatpants anymore but it just makes me more comfortable since i see these people nearly every day. But uhh they're a little expensive, relatively, or at least for me. But I'm finally both paying off debt and saving a little money every check, so I bought a 3-pack, since some of the underwear i have are getting holes around the waistband and the.. leg bands? The end bits. Idk i haven't bought myself new underwear in years because it's something I've thought of as kind of frivolous, what i have still lives so I should use it and not waste money on buying something new. But doing laundry today i was like hmm ok yeah i need to replace some of these (to be fair most of the ones in bad shape are not the packing underwear, i will rep this brand forever, $20 a pair is rough but if you can spare it they're great)

#I just hope they fit because they changed their sizing chart and it's confusing #And since buying their products I've lost about 4 inches off my waist so idk what will fit me i think I'm on the line of small and med #It will REALLY suck if i got a wrong size but.. idk that would just be life i guess #Also i don't actually think buying new underwear is like. A silly thing to do. I just am afraid of spending money #Like if it's not a desperate need then it's kind of a waste - like what if i need that money later for something that's bigger? #I'm always thinking about how to use the least amount of money and that often just means going without something #Like i quit tobacco to save money and that helped me cut down on weed. Now i don't even smoke weed and I'm saving so much #Like at my heaviest usage i was smoking an oz a week - which at cheapest i could get for like $100 but I gotta go out of state #Around here legal bud would run me more like $200-300 for an oz depending on if i got mini buds or not #I was spending 125 a WEEK on weed. 500 a month!!! Like bro what are you doing!!! #Now i can pay off my $3500 credit card debt while i pay my half of rent/food/bills instead of choosing groceries or minimum payments #Fucked that the world we live in is like this to begin with but I'm just happy that I'm not quite as strapped as i was before

[spocksbedsidemanner]

.

#so this group I'm in has a question of the day thing and today it was 'what's one thing that's improved your life' #and one person said antidepressants and that it's been amazing and they can go out and do things! which is so awesome! #and then someone replies to their post saying 'that's so sad. glad you're a little better and hope you can get happier' and I'm like #*poe frowning at paper meme* did you even READ what they SAID?? this is about stuff that improved our lives! #they said they can do things and it's great!! what is WRONG with abled ppl sometimes why would you take their happy post as a SAD THING??? #ughhh #just really irritated me #so i posted about my ostomy being the best thing to ever happen to me and replied to the first person saying how awesome that is for them #bc it is! meds or mobility aids or medical appliances are awesome and they help us feel like actual humans and live wonderful lives and #they should be celebrated when someone says that they appreciate theirs! #anyways #the mere mention of somebody being disabled/chronically ill/having mental illness is not sad #i think that's the point I'm trying to get at #i don't feel comfortable pointing that out in the server so i wanted to spew it here where nobody will read it lol #bedside manner personal #bedside rambles

[wernerherzogs]

hiya kasia! have you gotten a treatment or anything since your diagnosis? sending love and strength, lovely 💗💗

sorry for only seeing this now D: SO lmao so things have got more complicated since then my friend

#i had another more accurate test for borreliosis done after that via western blot method and it turned out that the first one was either a #false positive or that i'd had it in the past but it's not active anymore or some shit??? idk if i understood that correctly #i'm supposed to consult the results with a doctor specialising in infectious diseases but i wanted to get my visit (that i'd been waiting #for for over a month bc the waiting list was that long) with a rheumatologist done first #that was supposed to happen on april 29th but LOL the doctor cancelled the visit a few days before #the first new available date was may 19th so i'm still waiting for that #but tl;dr nor i nor anyone else knows what's wrong with me still <3 #good news is that now that it's been 2.5 months since it had begun it HAS got better #but 1. i'm not sure if the meds have helped at all or if it's just time's doing if that makes sense? bc on most days the meds seemed to #have little effect on pain #2. i'd like to have /any/ possible explanation at all thrown at me but no doctor has been willing to do that so far #which i get! they shouldn't be doing that to patients unless they're 100% sure #but it sure sucks not knowing what the hell is wrong with you lmao :') #anyway i might delete this so i hope you see it and thank you for asking 🤧 that's very sweet 💓 #hope you're well my friend! #rn i'm on sick leave bc of a basic throat/nose/etc. infection #feeling better now tho back to work on monday for sure #anonymous #a response

[mosspapi]

I know there is so much wrong with me physically and I need to see so many doctors about it but I have literally no way to do that rn. And so of course my brain has started supplying some Very Questionable things to do in order to create an immediate health crisis for me so I can go to the ER and then use that as a way to start seeing actual doctors again. And it's like. Dude. What the actual fuck is wrong with you.

#the problem is that I don't manage my one money (against my will) so I have no idea- #-how to pay for things what my insurance is if we can afford it etc #and on top of that I don't have access to a family doctor/GP atm and can't find out if the school has any bcuz u need to go in for #an appointment without choosing the doctor and they won't take emails or calls first so I'd have to just blindly walk into a random office #which physically is extremely taxing on me atm and hope it goes well. which it won't bcuz there r no specialists and again. I can't pay. #and don't even get me started on whether or not they'd b trans and disability friendly. like that's a whole other can of worms. #idk man there's so much fucking bullshit in my way it feels like the only option is drastic immediate crisis #which is. unhealthy dangerous stupid etc. like I seriously should not under any circumstances do that. #and it's not even like going to the ER would help. last time I actually had to bcuz paramedics thought I was having a heart attack the #ER doctors just said take more anxiety meds and sent me home #but it's all my brain will consider. #eugh. I'm so sick of everything dude #armchair speaks

[bongsavior]

she's just gonna shut everyone out in response huh 😔

#r #kill me #just choke me and slaughter me with your bare hands already #also yes i was just talking about how i'm going to be pushing everyone away but please i still latch onto my favorite people #idk idk idk idk idk i'm slightly intoxicated rn 3 jai alai's deep tbf #dog wound healing but it's at the closing up painful itchy stage #jobless but going to probably work at michaels again #it's what i know #moving to new orleans in around 10 months #i can't wait but i have to prioritize finding myself rather than reaching for the incredible high of a relationship with someone #this can't be my life #this can't be the way things go #my psychiatrist told me thru teladoc which i get for free thru my insurance i can search for therapists too #so i'm gonna try that and hope to get dbt or cbt #for my bpd #gonna make a song out of those acronyms #i think i need life-altering mental help and i'll finally start to use and hone my skills such as Music (instruments singing and composing) #but yeah my 35 y/o Teladoc psychiatrist who supplies me meds told me after about 8 months in ''Hey if you've ever thought about therapy you #can do this to get therapists instead of psychiatrists and you can have both at one time'' #idk he's a busy man he probably didn't want to assume i didn't know :') #but yeah i'm excited to see if i can find an lgbtq therapist #i like how this post went from ''you're ignoring me everything is different and i'm suffering detaching from My Favorite Person'' #to ''therapy is mere inches away fellas and then i'm FREE i can be fearless and do what i've always been afraid to do'' #🤔 #that's a really good thing :') #personal #sorry #long post #so many tags

[amerasdreams]

Hm shaky for no reason. What is this

Am I sick or just. Extremely tired

#Is it the remnant of meds #Or that the stupid dogs dragged me down today #Or... ttotm #Is it from last weekend and Monday I'm still recovering from #In which case hoe can I do anything if sth so minor gets me #How #I feel like going to bed at 9. ! #What's been so stressful... #Looking at war stuff... . #Um nothing compared to so.. #Maybe it's a lot #Or maybe I'm sick #I just hope the cats don't keep me awake #It's like. My insides are trembling #Like when. I was so tired I actually took a nap #When was that sun #Well in any case I have to go to pets tomorrow so maybe she'd go to bed now #I. Need a regular schedule #Need to figure out what I'm doing once and for all. #What can I do if I collapse so easily!! #I want to do so much #I know what I want but is any of it practical and #Can I do it #Passion and skills line up for purpose #Thats all I've ever wanted #Plus a few animals and a nice little country house

[certifiedcodbabygirl]

Simon Riley crying and praying for the first time in years bc you're hospitalized

(self indulgent as fuck, based off of personal medical history bc it'll be more accurate)

You hadn't ate or drank for 5 days, unable to keep anything down. You thought it was the flu at first. Fevers, puking, extreme fatigue. It didn't seem like anything out of the norm. Except for when your fevers started casing full body convulsions that made you look possessed. Chills and cold sweat turned to groaning and crying, muscles all over cramping and clenching, breathing becoming difficult. You figured it was because you hadn't had the flu in years. How wrong you had been.

Once your puke turned green, which was later found out to be bile from your kidneys, Simon rushed you to the hospital. Unable to stand, he pulled a wheelchair from the entrance and pushed you everywhere. Within 2 hours, the nurses had you admitted and on IV meds. Pain meds, IV Tylenol, and bags of fluid were hooked up to you, rehydrating you being high priority. Your body is in shock, resting heartrate being 140. He sat by your side the entire time, holding your puke bag in one hand, and your hair back in the other. The doctors drew blood, running blood cultures, searching for a more accurate answer.

The night you were admitted, they informed you that your kidneys were so infected that one got injured. The bile that was thrown up was caused but how hard you were puking, pulling it up from your kidneys.

He stayed the night, sleeping in the rocking chair, right next to your bed. He woke up when your fevers came back, holding your hand and telling you how good you're doing, calling in a nurse. The morning that followed, he had to go back to the house to make a bag of your immediate needs, clothes, deodorant, hairbrush, and anything else he could think of. When he came back, a doctor and a couple med students came in with important news.

"We ran blood cultures to see if there was possible an infection in your blood due to your symptoms leaning towards that. They came back positive. We are going to give you antibiotics and run cultures every 12 hours to track if the antibiotics are working" The doctor says as gently as possible.

The room begins to feel like it's spinning. Sepsis has a 68% mortality rate, and knowing how deadly it is, it feels like you're already being buried. Simon looks to you with a confused look, not knowing exactly what that it, but knowing it isn't good.

"I have sepsis?" You ask in a quiet voice, throat constricting.

"Yes" The doctor says softly.

"Oh fuck I'm gonna die" you whisper under your breath, tears forming.

Simon looks to you, eyes widening. 'Not again'

"Wait, the hell is Sepsis?" He demands, but not sounding confident, more scared than anything.

The doctor explains it to him, how it when your blood is infected, how the infection can latch onto your other organs and slowly kill you from the inside out. Once it reaches your brain, it's too late. His grip on your hand tightens. The doctor tries to give hope, but she can only do so much without lying. She leaves to give you privacy.

It's silent, neither of you speaking out of shock. The only noise in the room is the quiet hum of the IV machine and Simon's shaky breathing. Your thumb softly glides back and forth over the back of his hands, trying to ground him.

"Si" you softly call.

It takes hour to get him to loosen up a little. It's only when you manage to keep down a popsicle that he feels like he can breath a little easier. Like maybe you'll be part of the 32% that pull through.

That sliver of hope is crushed that night, being woken up by his arm being slapped repeated by you in a panic. His eyes meet yours, concern instantly written on his face. Your hand is on your chest as short, sharp breaths are the only thing you can manage.

"I,, can't,, breath,," you whisper between breaths, unable to say a sentence in one go.

"Baby it's alright, jus' try to breath wit' me, hm?" he tries to demonstrate slow breathing, mistaking it for a panic attack.

"not a,, panic,, attack,, please,, nurse,," you try to tell him.

He nods in a panic, running out to the nurse station and explaining. They rush in and take your pulse-ox just to see your oxygen percentage is at 86% when it should be above 95%. They try to do the deep breathing again before Simon interrupts them.

"It's not a bloody panic attack, she literally can't breath. Get her oxygen or somethin' before she fuckin' suffocates!"

They put you on oxygen until they can get you an X-ray. The nurses try to chalk it up to a panic attack until in the morning they see you still can't breath. They give you an X-ray and when the results come back, they send the doctor in. She informs you that the nurses gave you too much IV fluid and that caused your organs to swell so much that they pushed up on your lungs, collapsing them by 3/4ths. 1/4th of your lungs are still open and they're going to take you off fluid, start you on exercises to open them back up, and keep you on oxygen.

That's the last straw for Simon. Once you fall asleep for a nap, he heads outside to the bench area and punches a wall. His knuckles split but he barely feels it, ringing in his ears drowning out the surrounding noise. With no one around, he sits on a bend, elbows on knees and face in his hands. His breath picks up as his throat tightens and tears threaten to rip out of him.

"Why would ya let this happen to 'er? Aren't you supposed to be lovin'?" He whispers into the wind, looking up at the sky, "That girl in't like me. She's the fuckin' sunshine in human form and she's on death's bloody doorstep."

Tears cloud his vision, unable to keep it in any longer. He blinks them away, falling onto his clenched fists. Years of praying, to a god he later grew to resent, for him to fix his family. A child kneeling at his bed, begging him to get his family out of his father's grasp. Once he got to his teenage years, his desperation became resentment and anger. His jaw began to clench when his drunken father would spew bible verses at him to condemn him. He realized God wouldn't save him, nor would he when Simon's family was ripped from him.

Yet here he was, back to that same god, desperate that maybe, just maybe, he'd have mercy on him this time. He believed himself a rotten man, even if it was subconscious, unworthy of the angel sent to him. His light, reparations for the mistreatment The Father had destined for him.

"You sent 'er to me, it's gotta be for a reason. You've never listened to my prayers before but just this fuckin' once, please don't ignore me." His voice breaks, openly sobbing with no sound, "You sent 'er to me and now I can't live without 'er. She's fuckin' everythin' to me. Don't take back your gift, please" The end of his sentence slips into a whisper.

He wipes his tears on his sleeve and sniffles hard, trying to erase the evidence of his vulnerability. He stands and walks to the door, looking back at the bench before turning back to the door and walking in. 'Amen'

#call of duty modern warfare #cod x reader #ghost cod #simon riley #simon riley x reader angst #simon riley x reader #Simon Riley x reader sick #ghost call of duty #ghost x reader #ghost mw2 #simon ghost riley #simon ghost x reader #simon ghost x you #ghost simon riley #cod simon riley #cod ghost #cod x reader angst #cod mw3 #cod mw2 #cod mwii #cod modern warfare #call of duty

[pigfromchino]

lord we're so spacey lately what the fuck

#literally i feel like i'm incapable of basic reasoning skills at some points during the day #like i have to try to remember how to type and how to count what the hell #dunno how much of it is the hormone imbalance since my t dose still hasn't been raised from the recommended minimum #or how much is the lack of adhd/ocd meds #but man it sure is contributing to my depression!!! #got my bloodwork set for next friday so lets hope and pray the good folks of circle (derogatory) can be convinced #this cannot be good for my thyroid lol #which i should probably also be monitoring but I simply do not have money #paying 80$ for 3ml of t and 150$ per session #there is no way i can afford armour on top of that #body posting #chronic illness

[softgrungeprophet]

me: i have written more smut in the past three months than i usually do in a year

(on top of writing like 50-60k words and detailing huge amounts of plot stuff in my timeline due to medication apparently mostly just increasing my already strong hyperfocusing tendencies and making my ability to stop or switch tasks almost nil)

wonder what's up with that!

google:

lol

#tmi possibly? #nadia rambles #arghwrites #i am also routinely staying awake until 5-7 AM which is not ideal #but i like the writing focus :( too bad it's not helping my biggest problems which are task switching and executive dysfunction #if not for the whole 'inability to stop what i'm doing to go to bed/eat/shower' i would say it works p well #but i WAS hoping for to improve my ability to do human tasks like showering more often since i already struggle there #hopefully we can figure out if i a different dose or different med works but i can only do chewable so?

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

.

#tomorrow i have a psychiatrist appointment #I'm meeting with a telehealth psychiatrist from one of those online psych providers #I've done research and it looks nice and quality #the last couple days I've been taking Adderall that my coworker gave me #i know it's bad for many reasons but I'm not looking for a lecture here #but i realized that it makes a huge difference in my life #at my job i could concentrate better. i wasn't as scatterbrained and forgetful #i didn't feel as overwhelmed and it made my work day a lot happier #I'm hoping to get my own adhd meds but I'm not getting my hopes up #i don't like medical professionals at all. no offense to any medical professionals that may be reading this #I've had way too many bad experiences including with my last psychiatrist #after a long struggle with her i decided i would never go back #fuck her #because of this i don't necessarily trust the psychiatrist I'm going to see tomorrow and I'm not counting on getting meds #on the website it tells you some of the things that'll probably be gone over in the initial visit so you can prep which is lovely #and I'm trying to think on that and write it down. but it's not easy #i don't do well with medical stuff! 'why did you come in? what was the last straw that made you seek help?' #i know these answers. kind of. but this will require being vulnerable with someone. and it's not guaranteed to get me anything #can you imagine spilling your soul to someone and they just say 'yeah sorry i don't think this is a good fit :( #if this appointment doesn't go well i swear I'm never going to any doctor ever again. ever #y'all don't understand how much it takes. how bad things have to get. for me to see a doctor #if this doesn't work out then i don't know what I'm going to do #sharing my coworker's meds isn't sustainable but i can't go back after I've seen how well i can function when my brain works properly #here's hoping and praying i get some help

[apollo-zero-one]

I don't want to talk to my therapist tomorrow I have nothing good to tell him and I don't Want to talk about things because everything is bad and I can't do anything about it that I'm not already doing

#too scared I'm gonna tell him I just want to die bcos he'll take it too seriously #like patrick....... i'm too much of a coward to actually go thru with it my guy #it's just a very comforting thought when I feel backed into a corner #though. i made a list of things that make me feel suicidal and it includes 'thinking about the future' and 'thinking about the past' so #no wonder I'm currently living in a nebulous fog where I rarely know what day or time it is #my life has become a cycle of waking up later and later #taking my meds and avoiding my family while never leaving my house #stressing about money while the thought of having a job makes me want to die even more #we're all so stressed out in my house that we're all avoiding each other #ignoring all the random crying around my house #pretending my stepdad isn't yelling and throwing shit #The cats are anxious and upset all the time because we all are #They started pissing on the floor about it which isn't helping anyone's mood #Both of our vehicles are too damaged to safely drive but we have to drive them anyway #Our rent went up and we can barely afford to stay here but we have nowhere else to go #I have been spending too much time in bed and trying to distract myself with minecraft #We're depleting our cabinets and soon we won't have many choices for food anymore #and we know we're still lucky and privileged to have what we do #but it's still scary and unpleasant to have things getting generally worse with no hope for improvement #all while my meds don't work anymore and it takes so much time to find new ones #while I am too depressed and fucked up to function in the mean time