#about them or anything about my transition IM the bad person for bringing it up & i should respect their feelings by being quiet about it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sweet-chimera · 3 months

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TW: Call out post, drama

// Damn we were going to keep it quiet and respectful until this point. because like always. Spork, aka Shiloh can't take accountability and Never does anything wrong despite the fact that this is the what? 6th group of people enmass to cut contact with them? Spork we were being quiet about it for YOUR sake. Cause you're a bad person and we wanted to be done with you. But fine. We'll do it your way. We blocked you because you're a toxic person who threatens to harm yourself when we don't comply to you. Not because of a fake wedding rp event. Content and stories under the cut. Long post trigger warning

And because he named dropped us, potentially to potentially insight violence on us. We'll return the favor. We were willing to just soft block and call it a day but then you do this? We knew you were a karen but come on spork. This is low even for you. For those of you that don't know, Spork aka:

patchiesdoodles, decipheringmadness, cxpescxwlsandcrxmes, ifyouwouldloveme, thegreeksknewthescore, fxllen-cne, thxpatriarch, unforgivendivine, AND the-blackened-dove.

Likes to block evade, exhibit controlling tendencies towards their rp partners, leverage marginalization's to groups that he doesn't belong to to white knight and get his way, tone police, sexually harass people mainly on voice call, guilt trip, bully those that speak out against him, use his partners to harass people who block him, vague posts, gives ultimatums, and threaten self harm when he doesn't get his way.

Lets get this out of the way, My experience with spork

I met spork in the muntain june 2023. And it was one of the most grating experience of my life. At every chance they got they spoke over people, talked openly about their sexual trauma when no one has consented to hearing it. And tone policed me, a cambodian/afro indigenous person from baltimore, for using language that was "Offensive to black people." Only to then lay off after yelling at me for a few minutes. When he found out I was black. (Screen shot of me talking to the mod of the muntain afterwards)

I was off put, and upset. That someone who is this complexion

is tone policing me, AN AFRO INDIGENOUS PERSON WHEN I MAKE NO ATTEMPTS TO HIDE IT. IM BLACK.

But seeing as we're a vastly neuro divergent community. I forgave and forgot because it wasn't worth the fight. it didn't stop them from constantly bringing up sexual or traumatic topics. But at the very least. They were upset at me for using AAVE and saying the N word. A SLUR I CAN USE.

But then later down the line. I talked to the muntain mod about introducing my partners to the rp community and to help the transition go smoothly.

I EVEN WENT INTO VOICE CALL AND BEGGED THEM, SPORK SPECIFICALLY. TO BE ON THEIR BEST BEHAVIOUR.

My girlfriend joined on the 30th and my boyfriend joined on the first.

During the first call on the 30th. Spork dominated the conversation and flirted with my girlfriend infront of me upon finding out we were polyamourus. But for the most part was respectful.

On the voice call on the second. They were racist and immflamatory to my boyfriend. Tao. A native mexican man. Spork claims to be indigenous themself but I have no proof of this. But as we all know, Abrahamic religions have decimated the indigenous populations and caused Alot of harm.

On voice call. Spork brings up their LITERAL JESUS CHRIST muse. And talks about their religious trauma. Tao, also talks about his in the form of a joke. "Oh Jesus sure liked to wash feet huh?" A TRUE FACT. NOT THAT BAD. WE ALL HAVE MADE FUN OF IT.

Here comes white knight Spork, yelling at my partner to not make fun of jewish traditions. Its insensitive and blastephemous. Only to then dominate the conversation to talk about their trans jesus muse who openly talks about being abused by god

(Recap of the voice call i had with the mod)

So spork, a white passing person AT BEST, told my darker complexion NATIVE MEXICAN BOYFRIEND. That he shouldn't make jokes about judaism? When spork is a white satanist? And all abrahamic religions not just Catholicism has caused damage to our populations? You didn't even let him say more then that one joke, you didn't even give him 10 seconds to say is name before dominating the conversation again

Sweetie. 1.) Anyone can criticize and make fun of the bible, the torah, or the Quran. 2.) SAYING JESUS WASHED FEET. WHICH IS TRUE. IS NOT AS INFLAMMATORY. As making a gay trans jesus blog AS A ROLEPLAY CHARACTER. To talk about how god abused him.

And these are just my personal experiences with spork.

WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THEIR FRIEND POLITELY ASKED TO STOP SHIPPING BUT STILL BE FRIENDS?

HMMM. THATS WEIRD. THATS A PRETTY POLITE WAY TO GO ABOUT HAVING A CONVERSATION. BECAUSE CONSENT TAKES TWO PARTIES. WHAT WAS YOUR RESPONSE TO ONE PARTY NOT CONSENTING SO YOU DONT GET YOUR WAY?

OH YEAH.

YOU VAGUE POST ON THE DASH, GUILT TRIP PEOPLE FOR STILL ASSOCIATED WITH VOID (gin-n-chthonic) and get upset when you saw them on your dash because you keep block evading them to see if they were talking about you. YOURE MENTAL HEALTH WAS MESSED UP BECAUSE YOUR FRIEND HAD A POLITE CONVERSATION WITH YOU? ABOUT NOT REAL CHARACTERS? AND YOUR RESPONSE WAS A PUBLIC CALL OUT POST. And then you go around to people like slurk.

Who've you've been codependently abusing for a long time. And try to guilt trip them into blocking void.

Because thats a sound response. AS WELL AS BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT IT IN CALL FOR DAYS. THIS ISN'T EVEN INCLUDING THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE A HABIT OF GETTING YOUR FRIENDS AND PARTNERS TO ATTACK AND OSTRICIZE PEOPLE FOR YOU. Remember when jessica was sick with covid. But you wanted an answer so bad. That you sent your boyfriend after her? CAUSE WE DO.

And how you admitted in voice call that you would type from Boogies account to send people things, speak for him. OR ADMITTED THAT ROLEPLAYING IS A SPIRITUAL THING FOR YOU. How these characters are extension of yourself and if they feel pain or rejected you do? So every time someones muse doesn't want to interact with them. YOU A REAL HUMAN BEING FEEL THE PAIN?

cause we do.

SO LETS RECAP. TLDR;

you give ultimatums

guilt trip

block evade

were openly racist to a mexican indigenous man

hit on my girlfriend infront of me

can't read a room socially

send mobs after people

talk about traumatic shit without peoples consent

overly sexual even when we say we're uncomfortable

fly off the handle and go on public tirades when we try to talk to you, then get surprised when no one wants to talk to you and just quietly exits your life

use your loved ones accounts to talk to people who go nc with you

only white knight and virtue signal when its convenient to you

want to control everyones character and insert your muse into everything but when they don't comply you guilt trip, bitch, give ultimatums, or post publicly about not being loved

you weaponize your marginalization as a trans man but are clearly white passing and command alot of social power from your social media presence

sexually harass people around you

and you tone police the people of color around you when we speak up

WE DIDN'T BLOCK YOU OVER A FAKE RP EVENT. WITH FAKE PEOPLE THAT YOU INSIST ARE REAL. WE REFUSE TO BE AROUND YOU BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO GET HELP FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. WE BEGGED YOU TO. AND YOU GUILT TRIP PEOPLE WITH THREATS OF OSTRICHCIZATION AND SELF HARM.

YOU'RE A BAD PERSON SPORK.

#tw: drama #tw: call out post #call out post #drama #patchiesdoodles

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augustnotes · 2 months

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Hi there! I just happened across your 7th house Lilith post asking people about their experiences with this placement! I’m writing you here because I see the replies are restricted. I love that you asked about this, because I could say so much about my experiences with having a 7th house Libra Lilith. First off, I just wanna note I found it very interesting you asked if people with this placement get people trying to put the “mean girl” narrative on them. I do find pretty often that people do not read my energy as warm and inviting (not sure if they see it as “mean” per se, but I think I can seem intimidating or unfriendly). I’ve attributed that to other things in my chart, but maybe Lilith is involved too!

Anyway, for me, my 7th house Lilith in Libra has been a double edged sword in my life that has protected me from getting involved with actually toxic people, while it’s also caused me to sabotage positive relations in the past. I associate Lilith, along with my 8th house Pluto squaring my Venus and Mars, for why I’ve feared dependence with someone, and have actually been hyper-independent, living alone now for all of my adulthood. But the South Node in Libra currently transiting my Lilith seems to be helping do away with my instincts to sabotage my relationship (I’m in a committed one now, for the first time in years) whenever my partner expresses a grievance. You see, I used to believe I could only ever bring bad things to another person’s life, so a simple expression of someone not being happy with one little thing in our relationship could activate my trauma response to sabotage the entire relationship.

So for me, Lilith in 7th house and Libra has had a definite connection to my hyper-independence, my beliefs I am starting to overcome that I could only be toxic for a partner, and also the fact that I have been able to walk out on problematic people without feeling conflicted about it!

Thanks for asking! I love this topic, and I find so much different info on Lilith, so I have found that watching how the transits interact with my Lilith has definitely been the best way to understand how she manifests for me personally! 🖤

hello!! omg this was so insightful, thank you so much for sharing!!

the impression of being intimidating and unfriendly does seem to make sense when you bring up your aspects. especially bringing up that pluto falling in the 8th house squaring that venus in mars. People I've met who has almost similar aspects, i would have to say you probably definitely give a rather cut-throat vibes in a competitive way especially in areas that youre passionate about. thanks to this, now i can see how the impression within that 7th house lilith is definitely strongly attributed to personal aspects.

hyper-independence is such a common theme I see in lilith in the 7th house, yet its also so contradictory to how the individual could be in a relationship which is absolutely dependent on their partner without realising. i guess personally for me, that's how I interpret your fear of only capable of being toxic to your partner. as an individual, you feel almost kind of invincible that you could do anything on your own and you are completely content with it. however, there's also that little desire in wanting a partnership but its knowing damn well of the insecurity and your worse traits coming out as a partner out of your control.

i also definitely agree with the blessing in disguise of being able to walk out on problematic relationship without hesitation. from a personal experience, i never found it hard to completely cut people out when i decide im done with them. it's to a point where i remove any traces of them in my life and as if they had never existed. this strong sense of self control and boundaries has definitely helped me in many ways than others.

i absolutely love how you brought up the way the transit affected you! im happy to hear you working through it!! i hope you always remember that your existence itself can be a blessing to someone else's life. it could be the reason someone anticipates for the sun to shine the next day. i wish you well and of the best in your current relationship!!

this was an amazing take!! thank you so much for sharing your experiences!! i think this has helped to see the effect being more concrete :)

#astro tumblr #astrology #astro notes #astro observations #lilith in the 7th house #lilith #astro community

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heard-nsfw-is-back · 1 year

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Im still sick as hell so here's some comfort Ghost x Soap. Some are cute and funny some are horny and gross. Have fun

Johnny was good at being sick. He went to the doctor and made sure to drink water and get plenty of rest. He even changed the bedding after to make sure he didn't sleep in germs. Simon was A BITCH^tm I'm talking full on grabby hands, refuses to go to the doctor, genuinely cries for soup. "I'm dying Johnny, finish me off." "Simon just go back to sleep. You're not dying." Hates when Johnny bring medicine from the pharmacy because he will force the medicine down his throat. "Take the medicine baby boy, you'll feel better I promise." Simon breaks down crying "No it's nasty." "You're a war criminal why is cherry flavored liquid what does you in?"

Simon takes cooking lessons when he can and loves to feed Johnny. Loves to spoil him with a full meal and the best paired drink he can get his hands on.

Being on the run is hard for them both. They fight more often than not these days. Ghost with his tendency to keep going till he drops and ZERO ability to use a word to describe his emotions ever, Johnny with his need to talk it out as it's happening and not letting anything go until it's broken down to Itty bitty pieces. Hours after they fight and walk off, they're already missing each other like air and will make a beeline and collapse in to each other.

They pass a gun shop that also sells sex toys and if that isn't exactly what does it for them, nothing will. Simon finds out he's a size queen and Johnny loves exploring their kinks. It's fantastic. Simon loves being called daddy and Johnny doesn't hate it but Simon loves being called 'baby boy' even more and "fuck me just like that baby. Yes fuck you're so good, so big. My pretty baby boy." Simon has to count by three just to Keep It Together.

They both hate cleaning and will absolutely have professionals come in once a week. They justify it by claiming it's better than leaving the dishes and laundry all over the place. It's absolutely because they have fucked up doing laundry before and Simon will not vacuum. Ever.

Johnny got his period a day early and ruined his 5th favorite pair of underwear. Simon had to rock him back and forth. This man was Inconsolable. Simon offered to buy him a new pair. Johnny was offended. "How actually dare you. They were perfectly worn in. The 7 year old jeans of underwear." "You have jeans that are seven years old?" Johnny just fell back dramatically and sighed.

Simon had a lock box that he tried to keep away from Johnny. Which meant the day after they moved in together he found it. At first he shrugged it off, if anyone understood the need for privacy it was him. But curiosity and insecurities crept up and he asked about it. "Please don't ask about this. It's the one thing I'm actually ashamed of." A few days later Johnny asked about it again. "Fine. You need to know so bad? Open it. If you can open it, you can have it. But you'll see me as a different man." Johnny cupped Simon's cheek. "No I won't." He broke the masterlock and saw magazine cut outs and comic strips and dad joke books. "Don't look at me like that MacTavish." Johnny covered his mouth trying to hold back his laugh but failed and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. Simon looking up to the sky for any god's help.

Getting on T was hard for a military man but joining the 141, he was given the best medical care the government could give. One person from his old station made fun of the stubble that was growing on Johnny's chin. Ghost knocked his jaw clean off.

I have stumbled on trans Johnny MacTavish and I have to say fuck yes dude. I also have no idea how transitioning in the military works. Even less the British military.

#cod mw2 #cod mw ghost #cod mw soap #simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #cod 141 #ghost x soap #simon x john #soapghost #ghoap

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 3 months

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i am working through something and i wanted to express it somewhere but it feels too personal to say publicly.. and your blog feels like a safe place to confess things.. I want to go on hrt but am terrified of my mother's reaction. she knows im trans and is a lot more ok with it than she used to be but she still doesn't understand and is really bothered by her own lack of understanding. and my sense is that when my appearance changes from T shes going to hate it and be extremely upset. I'm an adult and I dont want to be controlled by my mother's feelings but due to my family dynamics growing up I have rotated around her feelings my whole life, its not as bad as it used to be but i still feel her feelings are dangerous and painful to me. I have a great support system, im blessed with so many friends and even my older siblings who I wasn't close with have been very supportive of me being trans. I dont need to be scared, materially I will be safe and loved even if my mother hurts me. but still its so terrifying to me. I want to get over this and not feel so dependent on her approval, but at the same time i dont even know if its possible. who can help wanting their mother to love them? or even more than love, because i know she does love me and thats really why its so hard, i want her to approve of me and be happy for me. I dont want the happiness i know i will feel from going on hrt to be ruined by her hating my life choices. my spiritual life is pushing me to take control of my life and bring my internal self and reality into the material, I know i cant keep ignoring my own physical desires and living with dissonance between the internal and external...so im moving towards that and i know i'll get there regardless its just terrifying and i wanted to talk about it.. uhh ya sorry this is so personal and emotional i hope it isnt uncomfortable for you or anyone else to read because i know these are really painful issues for many people. and i don't expect you to have any advice necessarily i know htese are huge issues to work through... i just wanted to express it and put it into the world that i'm working on this. thank you for letting me use your askbox to talk! hope your day is great

thankyou for trusting me with your confession anon <3 its not at all uncomfortable to me for you to confide your feelings.. Does anyone who's transitioned have supportive advice they cld leave for anon in the replies? i dont want to speak on something i havent personally experienced.

One thing i do relate to immensely is having a mother who doesn't try to see you as a unique individual, and becomes very displeased when u act in ways that don't align with her worldview. my mom will straight up tell me i look ugly with pink hair. my mom knows i make music but she's never asked to hear one of my songs. she doesn;t want to know about anything that interests me or my motivations in life. etc etc. and it's that same feeling of like, well, she does Love me i think, but i'll never feel that she truly approves of me. idk what the answer is..in my own life it has lead to me being quite a distant person, and rebellious in nature, i coped with it by purposefully leaning into the parts of me she disapproved of most. but idk if that's been healthy for me.

ultimately, we will disappoint everyone in our lives at one point or another.. Sometimes even when u try ur best to please someone it still doesn't work out. so please dont be too hard on urself <3 One thing im learning to cope with my ocd spirals (usually body dysmorphia or guilt related) is to "zoom out", try and redirect my thoughts to the bigger picture of life, it makes my own problems feel smaller in a way that doesn;t silence or dismiss them, just re-contextualizes them in that moment and makes it feel less imminent & overwhelming. mayb i can talk more about methods and analogies for this sometime.

Hope u can find some peace anon and i'm sure your hopes and dreams will materialize for u if u just keep going & focusing your energy on ur dreams. Stay safe <333 PMD9

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ukftm · 1 year

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honestly dk where else to go so im just going to ask some support from here, does anyone else feel guilty when dating sometimes?? i have someone im seeing at the moment, and even though she tells me that me being trans doesn’t change anything for her i still feel bad ?? as in i’m not as good as cis men. and especially when it comes to night time activities she has expressed interest in doing things for me if i’m comfortable, and although i want her to, i’m concerned about dysphoria and also the fact that until now being a trans man will be an obvious fact that i can’t ignore anymore.

Hi Anon,

This is a very common feeling for trans people. This basically comes from an innate belief that being trans is wrong or the imposter syndrome of feeling we are not as good as our cis counterparts.

This is not something that is easy to get over and can last for a very long time, even when you have medically transitioned.

You need to realise that while transmen look at cis men as an ‘ideal’, women (or anyone) who date transmen don’t see it that way. Women who date transman have more than likely often dated cismen also. They do not see biological sex as an ideal or what makes a good person. Anyone that dates trans people views them just as they would any other person they are attracted to. Just because someone is born with a penis does not mean they know how to treat their partner well or how to use it in a way to bring satisfaction to their partner.

It is all about personality. I will never forget when I went to see my psychologist at the GIC and expressed the same feelings. She told me her experience of cismen, not all cismen obviously, but HER experience was that the cismen she had been with sexually were selfish in the bedroom and once they were done, they had no thought for her satisfaction. She then said “just because they are born with a penis, doesn’t mean they know how to use it!”.

So my point is that some women (or others) do not have good experiences with cismen, especially sexually. So it is us transmen that hold cismen as this ‘ideal’ figure who we try to match up to. But in most cases it is only us that put such pressure on ourselves.

The important thing is treating your partner well. Be considerate in the bedroom. Listen to what your partner wants and only do what makes you comfortable.

Being a good man is about how you feel about yourself and how well you treat others.

#dysphoria

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captain-brie · 2 years

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I am going to CRY I am MINDBLOWN 😭😭😭😭😭

I discovered your svt blog today (through a reblog on someone else’s blog) and I started reading your other fics after the Mingyu 26k oneshot (it is AMAZING btw, I love everything about it) and I’ve been loving your works they are actually so fun !!!! And then I came across your tags on the jihoon fic and I laughed a bit about it because I always go “ahhh the good old days” when I come across any version of ‘I used to write gay character x character fics and now I write reader inserts’ because !!! So did I! I haven’t written in a while now, and haven’t posted in an even longer while but my trajectory does go like gay chara x chara for western media (? am I wording that correctly) ---> gay chara x chara anime ---> anime reader inserts ---> kpop reader inserts.

Then I casually scrolled up your blog and realised it’s a sideblog because there was a main blog linked to it? ANd I was like. “WELL SHIT. CAPTAIN-BRIE… ISN’T THAT… THE PERSON I USED TO KNOW BACK IN MY SPN DAYS… AHAHA… no maybe that’s just a character from some show and it’s a common name for people to use………” but then I couldn’t resist because I got antsy and I searched up ao3 dot org slash users slash captainbrietoast, then captainbriestoast, and when I didn’t find anything I was like “yea ok mistake on my part”

the reason why i do know them is because they once wrote a fic based on a fic i wrote and we talked for a bit ahjgfhjghjgjad (that fic is probably gone now because i removed a lot of my old works)

AND THEN. THEN I WAS AWAY AND SUDDENLY I WAS LIKE “wait weren’t they uhhh captainbrieontoast.”

AND I SHIT YOU NOT THE WAY I ALMOST YELLED WHEN I SAW “SEVENTEEN (20)” ON HOW MANY WORKS YOU HAVE AND I WAS LIKE AJGHHJA NOOOO BYEEE and then um I went to the blog that you linked on your ao3 and it linked me back to this blog and uhhhhh anyway I guess we used to know each other years back and im LITERALLY SO SORRY IF THIS MAKES YOU FEEL TERRIBLE I GENUINELY DID NOT MEAN FOR YOU TO FEEL STRESSED OR TERRIBLE OR ANYTHING

BOTTOM LINE IS IVE BEEN LOVING YOUR SVT WORKS AND I GUESS THIS IS A HAPPY COINCIDENCE AHJDHGJAHJGAHJGA BYEEEE I HOPE YOU’RE DOING REALLY WELL IN LIFE ??? YOU DESERVE IT !!!

2/2: P.S. now im embarrassed because this is like coming across the works written by someone you knew in school or something ajfhhjghjagea am i STILL allowed to read your svt works… i was really enjoying them </3

First off, I'm sorry for not responding to this sooner, these days I haven't been noticing when anons come through on my phone alerts even though I pretty thoroughly scan my notifications on my phone so I don't really see the messages into my inbox until I happen to hop on my computer :/

BUT EXCUSE ME YOU CAN'T JUST COME DROP THIS IN MY INBOX AND NOT TELL ME WHO YOU ARE??????!!!!!!!! MY JAW IS LITERALLY ON THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW- NOT US MEETING AGAIN AFTER HOW MANY YEARS???

I don't remember what fics you are talking about !!! Did we talk on ao3? I AM LITERALLY DESPERATELY SEARCHING MY MEMORY AND I LITTLE AM SO BAD AT REMEMBERING THINGS PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE UNLOCK THIS MEMORY FOR ME OH MY GOD

HI???????!!!!!!!! HELLOOOOO????????? OF COURSE YOU'RE STILL ALLOWED TO READ MY WORKS????

Realllyyyyy funny how we both made the transition from gay fanfics to reader inserts like bro what are the odds that we would end up here, because if you had told me then I would be here I wouldn't believe it for a second

but yo seriously. slide into my dms. SLIDE INTO MY DMS LETS RECONNECT OMG WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THE UNIVERSE BRINGING US BACK TOGETHER??????

FATE.

#BRO WHAT #WHATTTTTTTT #I LITERALLY AM REREADING THIS MESSAGE AND I'M LIKE OH MY GOD #OH MY GOD??????

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taylorthegiant · 2 years

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weight talk + disordered eating

i just finished listening to the episode of youre wrong about on the obesity epidemic and they talk about for a good bit about different things that trigger weight gain and your body holding onto weight and a lot of them are like behaviors that are part of diets which is why diets dont work and arent healthy. its eating healthy foods and light exercise that keep you healthy and not being harassed about your weight. but i’m listening to it and like i do (not on purpose more by neglect or habit i guess) these unhealthy behaviors that are part of diet culture and these things that should signal my hormones and regulatory systems to hold onto weight BUT I CANT GAIN ANY FUCKING WEIGHT

and i just feel so much guilt around it because my mom and my sister bring it up a lot because they’re worried about me so i feel like i haven’t been trying hard enough. but i just don’t think about eating a lot or when i do think about eating it just becomes i don’t want to cook i don’t like cooking. and i can’t just add dairy to every meal to add calories without changing volume because it upsets my stomach and i feel miserable. and i don’t like most fast food so i don’t eat it. even the like nicer fast food places end up upsetting my stomach

like we went on vacation and were eating out at seafood restaurants every day and i was making an active effort to eat more often and eat more at once but i didn’t gain any weight! ive lost 6 pounds since the start of the pandemic and i haven’t been able to get that up at all and it sucks!!! and i hate complaining about it and feeling awful about it because i feel guilty about feeling bad. and i struggle with finding resources that can help and the only person i know who like has experience with trying to gain weight approaches it from a like gym bro mentally and it just feels awful and whenever he talks about what he does to his own body in attempts to lose weight im just. you’re describing an eating disorder!! but i feel like i can’t say anything and he always starts talking about what he’s doing if i bring up the subject and it makes me feel awful

and part of me also feels like if i got a testosterone prescription i would be able to gain weight because your appetite is supposed to increase and a lot of other guys gain weight when they start T but like no one physically here wants to help me with that! like even my sister has been ambivalent about the idea of me medically transitioning and its like all of the stress around that isn’t fucking helping anything AND I JUST HATE IT

#my sleep is all fucked up right now too so 🤪

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devinkrispy · 2 months

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April 8th, the rain isn’t letting up, everyone is trapped in.

As I let this soothing song play in my ears it brings memories back to when I first heard it, my first playthrough in P5, it also brought back specific memories I had to the original thoughts to when I first made my channel, or any online presence for that matter. I simply wanted a community for people who were just as chronically online as I was. However looking back I searched the wrong areas.

As glad as I am now, I do wonder what would it be like if I Decided to just dive into the deep web of places like 4 Chan, or niche communities of tumblr.

Community is all I wanted, as of now I can say I have mine now. But the methods of getting here. Were they worth it? Was it worth going through the hell that was shokus, witnessing the hell of troupe, just for internet lore?

That’s all it is at the end of the day technically, if you turn your devices off and act like none of it happened you wouldn’t be technically wrong.

Shit Let’s take the one who shall not be named for example, they left and acted like we didn’t exist (at least I assume) then Beni followed shortly after.

That makes you think of what you could really do with your online persona. Which in itself is a weird concept. How does one make a persona strictly for the online space? How does one separate it from their IRL counterpart without any tension or trouble? Wouldn’t time be a significant factor here?

Then that makes me think of what could happen when I get my own crib, I’ll get the prolonged alone time I oh so yearn. But what’s to say I won’t fall back into the old habits that I did when I was chronically online?

Would I be wrong for being chronically online again? Would I be wrong to be less online? Does it really matter, does anything matter for that matter? Even when you think of everything going on at this exact moment would it even fucking matter?

What would everyone do if the earth explodes in 24 hours? Probably mayhem. But say that didn’t happen, how would everyone feel about their life?

If you 🫵🏾 were to be told your life ends in 24 hours would you be happy?

And if you say no, why? Is it something you can fix? If not why dwell on it? If you can fix it? What’s stopping you? Nothing.

Nothing stopped Beni and them from leaving, Nothing is stopping me from moving out,

Nothing is stopping you from transitioning in any stage of life, why are we as humans so afraid of change when we so desperately need it sometimes?

Of course this applies to me too. But then again who wouldn’t it apply to? Every second I’m awake I’m dedicated my life to change. I don’t care in what form or what way, weather I am changing my ideals, my clothes, my body, my life, my bank, it doesn’t matter what it is, I can no longer stay stagnant, nothing changes if nothing changes. So personally my mask needs to be taken off itself. I can no longer sit here and expect another life changing event to walk in my life like it’s been doing all my life ESPECIALLY since I am an adult now. I have to make change if I want change for the better or worse. I’m embracing the Bad now. I love it, confusing time in identity, that’s great that means something is changing. Financial struggles? That means something changing, friends leaving me? People I was close with not fucking with me? My favorite foods not hitting no more? My gaming hours go down? It all boils down to change and I need to stop resisting it. The only way to do so is to go about life and shut up. Whenever God, the universe, whatever you wanna call it is speaking I should listen. And that’s what I’ve been doing. My outlook on life has been changing recently. Way more than I originally expected, I’m way less strict about everything now. I don’t care what I’m doing in 10 years. What am I doing now ? I woke up, what am I doing with my life currently? I go to school, work, and I come home to game. Rinse and repeat, I’m not living IM just existing.

AND I REFUSE to simply exist when I can experience life and all it has out for me. What would be the point if I couldn’t go out and live my life the way I wanted to. Because at the end of the day we are shapeshifters too. It’s just not physical. We change so much as living beings that there’s no way we can be the same people for our entire lifetime, we probably live 7 lifetimes over, do you know how much can happen in 10 years, 5years, 1 year, 6 months? 2 weeks? Shit nigga A FUCKING DAY????! We have to be more aware of this ! They try to make us Goal driven, which don’t get me wrong is great! But we’re thinking of it all wrong! People think of goals as accomplishments when we should plan our goals based off experiences! My goal is to be a father and a wonderful teacher to three beautiful children so they can also experience life and spread knowledge.

That’s what it’s all about, experiencing life so you have a story to tell.

We are always caught up on what other people’s story is, what they are gonna do, what’s your story?

In story writing they have a term for when the character goes through a journey that teaches them a lesson, they call it an Arc,

What’s your Arc?

#vent

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mental-skillness · 2 months

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It's really interesting feeling therapy start to work. I've been in on- again off-again sessions since 7th grade, and this is the first time it's felt like it's supposed to (uncomfortable but helpful)

I'm seeing the same therapist i saw in high school for gender, but at first i only talked about my gender / transition goals, and when i started to bring up my anxiety it was very much in a "what do i do when this happens" kind of way. And i only saw her once a month at most, which apparently doesnt work for me.

Now i see her every 2 weeks and, while I vaguely dread the appointments, it's because im gonna have to talk about things that make me uncomfortable. Which is the whole point

I was starting to feel like therapy just didn't work for me because every session felt... monster of the week, for lack of a better term.

I would ask how to fix an issue i was having and she would suggest a coping mechanism and i would try it a couple times and it wouldnt work and i would stop. And i never really knew what to talk about because i was so focused on the SYMPTOMS (anxiety spiralling, SH, etc) that i barely touched on my fears themselves. In 3 years of seeing her i never mentioned that I felt like i was a bad person and that i was terrified people would find out.

And then last semester I found a new therapist to see while I was out-of-state. It didnt go great — I think I was on the road to a drug/stress induced psychotic episode, honestly, and I was so convinced that there was something deeply wrong with me that i was talking with an agenda of convincing her I had a major psychiatric issue. And i was kinda aware of this, but i couldn't seem to stop myself. So the sessions didnt help, because i wanted to believe myself i was irreparably damaged, and since she seemed deeply concerned about everything i brought up, it worked.

To be honest, my current therapist is a lot better. Or at least, she's a better fit for me. She doesnt upscale the issues I bring up like my last therapist did; she treats them like issues that exist but that arent the end of the world. She approaches things in a way that doesnt fuel my catastrophizing.

The best example I have for that is I brought up the same issue to both my last therapist and my current one, which is that toward the end of my last semester I started smoking, and it provoked a spiral along the lines of, "if I'm smoking it means I don't care about my health, and if I dont care about my health it means I dont care if I die, and if that's the case then why dont I just stop caring altogether? Why dont I just go all out and take up a bunch of passively suicidal behaviors?"

My last therapist became deeply concerned. She made me promise to stay in therapy for at least another few months, and gave me the impression that I was passively suicidal and that I should be very, very concerned about that.

My current therapist responded a LOT less intensely. She was conversational and casual and asked me what was stopping me from doing that, and reminded me that one vice doesnt necessarily mean I'm going to throw away my whole life

Idk it's just crazy going from "therapy doesn't do anything for me bc I already know I have issues and all this advice isnt helping" to "oh. So THAT'S the thing that's causing all these other problems"

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selamat-linting · 10 months

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okay we all know early 20s suck or whatever but i think there are some positives in it. i mean, my 20s so far have been filled with a lot of crisis and shittiness and bouts of feeling lonely but also, this is the first time i can actually go outside and travel to see the sea or the forest because i can pay for it myself so i dont have to hear "why would you need to go to the park anyway?" everytime i ask for a bus fare thats not for school. i can go home at 3 am and none of my parents can do anything about it. i can buy a book and wear clothes i like instead of relying on handouts or what my parents buy because i make my own money now. i derive a special kind of satisfaction since i help my parents pay rent and groceries!!!! people depend on me now instead of the other way around. i can have sex with hot dilfs. i can learn whatever i want since i already have a job so i dont have to worry if my education has to pay off in the end. i can go to therapy, i can do politics, all of the miseries of adulthood and the loneliness does not compare to the joy i feel from gaining some agency and independence for the first time. being in your 20s fucking rules despite the agonies. i never wanted to relive my childhood again but i would relive the years after i graduated highschool despite knowing how horrible and shocking the transition between school and working was and how much years i've wasted and plans that fell through because the pandemic took three years of my life and might even gave me slight brain damage. like, being a kid and a teenager is great and all but for me its "i have to do things right or else i will suffer a fate worse than death and disappoint everyone also im completely helpless in stopping domestic violence in the house and cant help but perpetuate it to my siblings since i dont know how to be better" so its not so great. meanwhile my 20s is like "i have failed tremendously but its not so bad and turns out i can always try again and no matter if i fail or succeed i can always find a smidge of happiness and personal meaning in it and if my dad starts acting up again this time i can tell him to kill himself and pack out and leave, bringing everyone that need protection in the house. also now i can actually start mending my relationship to my siblings and stop being an abusive asshole since im removed from the pressure of Making It and now they consider me the safe adult instead of our actual parents because i actually put in the work to be better and nonjudgemental. im taking them to fucking therapy one day."

#posts about my life

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bul-bor · 2 years

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hws baltic headcanons

i have been home from school for two weeks and im already mind-numbingly bored

here are head-canons for the baltics bc they’re the best, also gonna add what ages i think they are physically bc the ones they have are Not Correct

As a trio...

they go on a baltic tour every couple years! they take like... 5-6 weeks off of work to travel their countries together and appreciate each other’s cultures :D they always start in Lithuania and go north from there

Raivis can’t drink in public due to how he looks physically, so he ends up DD’ing a lot of the time

eduard has transitional frames and gets laughed at every time for them

eduard and raivis can certainly TRY and get tolys to play video games with them, but he can only learn one console at a time (”I brought my ‘Whee’ remote for games!” “Tolys, it’s on your phone.”)

When they live together/vacation together, Tolys is very much the “it’s 6:30, let’s get our day going!!” (when he’s having a good day)

eduard is only on 4 hours of sleep by 6:30

raivis doesn’t move from his bed until 11:30 AM MINIMUM

in world meetings they’ll pass notes to each other and do hypotheticals and bets to pass the time

3 v. 1 who do you think we can take in a fight RIGHT now? -E

lunch says that the meeting ends early for the world cup qualifying match -r

Be honest- Do you two think that aliens are actually real?? No wrong answers :) -T

Lithuania/Tolys (26)

he’s not a pushover!! i think, if anything, he’s conflict-avoidant, but he picks his battles

along with this, he’s gotten A LOT more vocal with how he feels. Not necessarily to an Alfred or Ludwig level, but he does find himself raising his hand 3 or 4 times during meetings

i! think he plays the guitar :) is he good at it? different question

but his singing is not the worst, so it kind of makes up for it

big dogs or bust

he def gets a dog, in part to stay active and to get out of the house at least once a day

journals on the regular and is learning to establish boundaries with others

i think he’s pretty goofy and mischievous behind closed doors >:)

doesn’t drink coffee anymore

UNDER THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES*, loves arm wrestling because he wins 80% of the time and almost everyone is surprised by it

*has ingested enough alcohol to not be shy about it

Estonia/Eduard (23)

knows he’s the most musically inclined between the three of them, isn’t humble about it in the slightest

GOSSIPER- you’ll be like “nobody can know this” and eduard will be like “nobody = tolys and raivis”

raivis and tolys won’t tell anyone for sure tho

likes to bring the Nordics and the Baltics together for small parties

this group dynamic works surprisingly well!

one time, tolys brought along feliks and throwing feliks into the mix somehow off-sets this balance so bad

super grouchy without 8 hours of sleep

coffee drinker ONLY on days when he needs it

developed a dependence for a little bit, then never forgot the migraine he had when he missed his morning cup

loves other people’s animals, doesn’t necessarily want his own

he likes anything to do with water- boating? bet. fishing? bait. oh we’re swimming? he has trunks on underneath his slacks

the con to this is that he burns the easiest out of the three

Latvia/Raivis (16 (but he has a baby face))

i think he’s HILARIOUS online, but cannot land a punchline in person to save his life

cat person for sure

now that he lives alone, he had to adapt a new routine to turn all the lights off in his house without absolutely sobbing

tolys ALSO has this problem, so they end up on the phone with each other anxiously warbling while they run around their separate houses

saw someone else say this, cannot remember who, but every time, without fail, raivis falls asleep on the train

it was thru one of eduard’s get togethers that he got his little gig babysitting sealand

REALLY wants all the younger appearing nations to all hang out, but is much to shy to initiate it

accident prone as hell, if he can avoid complicated cooking he will

BUT, if someone’s with him, he his all for utilizing his entire kitchen for a single meal

#hws #hetalia #hws lithuania #hws latvia #hws estonia #hetalia world stars #axis powers hetalia #aph lithuania #aph latvia #aph estonia #hws baltics #aph baltics #9 years of hell to this fandom #and i still have more

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dog-teeth · 2 years

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Hiii please don't answer if this question is too much but I was wondering what your experience as a trans person existing is like? Rn I'm cis passing and low-key making me miserable but the anxiety of how I would b treated in the world is so so so scary so I guess is it hard? Are you treated any different? Especially the non-binary thing bc that's me too <3

haiii as always i write fucken essays so its below the cut lol

well first of all i can only speak to my own experience, which is obvs influenced by the other parts of my life like my location/class/race/sexuality/personality/etc, it difficult/impossible to distill what "being trans" is like without factoring in everything else.

but anyways, i'm extremely lucky to have had the security to come out and be open about my transness since i'm surrounded by really excellent people. when i came out i was 14 and didn't know any other trans people, and it sucked, but i feel like even in just the past 6ish years there's a LOT more visibility for trans people than there was back then, and obvs i was young and had a lot less personal autonomy at the time. but my friends were all really cool about it and my parents were chill as well, and i went to a good high school where my teachers were respectful (i got misgendered by other students but once they were aware of me being trans they usually stopped) so i honestly didn't face that much external difficulty because of my gender.

the period between coming out and medically transitioning was rough a lot of the time tho, just because of the frustration of trying to be seen a certain way and the world never seeing you that way, at times it felt futile to even try and for a long time i really wished i wasn't trans, because being trans had never brought me any joy, so i didn't have pride in it the way i could with my sexuality, as it had only ever caused me pain (whereas my queer sexuality had lead me to love, sex, community, etc). but those were internally-driven feelings, not anything specific in how i was treated except for generally living in a world that didn't see me as myself, but that's also true when ur not out. it took a lot of fighting to be seen, and learning how to make myself happy.

since coming out, though, its been really really amazing. meeting & connecting with other trans people, dating other trans people, helping other people figure out their gender identities by being myself around them, making art about being trans, etc, is very rewarding, and obvs u can do that without being "out" too.

emotionally its very fulfilling, like jesus christ medically transitioning once i was an adult was so fucking awesome. i hadnt realized how much not being visible as my gender to other people was holding me back and distressing me until it stopped. even though i had socially transitioned earlier and been respected by people around me, it wasnt until i went on hrt and had top surgery that i felt really really good about existing as a trans person, when i could exist at any time in any space in any clothes and be seen how i wanted to be seen, and felt like my body was as it should be.

i don't really get treated differently tbh, most people don't readily assume ppl are trans so upon meeting me people just think im a queer guy, and i only bring up being trans when i want to & feel ok doing so. being nonbinary some people are bad about using my pronouns but i honestly dont care much. every once in a while i have to explain gender stuff to people but again i dont mind. its def more annoying than if i was a binary trans person but meh.

there's some annoying/anxiety-inducing stuff like dealing with extended family, doctors appointments, legal documents, and situations where i feel like i have to try to be Stealth, but those are rare compared to my everyday life where i'm genuinely just vibing.

i completely respect trans people who don't want to be out for whatever reason, but personally i've found it to be very rewarding and i can only imagine how miserable i'd be if i couldn't be open about my gender.

tldr; it's hard while you're figuring yourself out, but if the people around you are generally good, it's extremely awesome to be able to be yourself and transition!

#i was jsut thinking the other day about how crazy it is that i was just like i want to be a boy . and then i did it #cant think too hard abt how it felt to be younger and just wishing i could be an androgynous cool boy but knowing i was stuck in my body #but now i Did That its crazy i never thought it would be possible #ez answers #gender stuff

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agrarianradfem · 2 years

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hey

i wanna be a proud radical feminist but i feel like that would force me to reject trans ppl and that would essentially make my life hell bc ive seen the shit they do ppl they disagree with

ive read all this shit about how terfs are a hate group and think men bad women good and are racist and colonialist and shit and it makes me think twice bc i don’t wanna be part of a legit hate group but i also dont wanna be part of a group of ppl who say “thats so gender” when they see a haircut they like and i definitely dont want to be part of the right like at all

am i a nazi for believing elliott page is still a woman? am i fucking crazy? like ive been having legit mental breakdowns over this and secretly reading terf groups at night for weeks now and now whenever i see a trans person i freak the fuck out on the inside and sometimes i start hyperventilating and i see them fucking everywhere bc i live on a college campus

i tried to bring it up with my counselor like “i don’t really get trans ppl and i dunno what to do about it” and shes like “me neither” but thats all it has ever been bc im scared im gonna be wrong and bad if i say more

i was a huge fucking hp fan as a kid and my mom gave me a hogwarts mug for christmas and i cant even look at it bc i just think of jkr and what happened to her

pls help me im so sorry for dumping on u

My first question is: what do you mean by proud? Do you envision yourself wearing tshirts with phrases like "The y chromosome is a defect" out in public? Because while such shirts might be funny (and fun to wear among friends), that's not what it is to be a radical feminist. Neither is posting radfem quotes to your public facebook or instagram, or anything else publicly confrontational. Instead, being a proud radical feminist is spending your time helping women. I like volunteering for food pantries/food banks/food rescues. Women and children are the most likely to be food insecure, so helping with food distribution fits well for me. But maybe something else is closer to your heart - like domestic violence shelters, rape crisis hotlines, mentoring female children, etc. Alternatively you could go into a job that helps women, like social work or medicine. Or you could become a foster parent who takes in girls, become a child advocate or doula. None of direct action really requires anything to do with trans anything. The number of trans people you'll run into is relatively small, and you're helping women and girls no matter how they feel (and people deserve to be helped anyway). I don't care if a trans woman comes for a food pantry volunteer position, or to pick up food at a distribution event. I'm not there to decide who is 'worthy' of giving their time or receiving help. And none of that is publicly confrontational like pins, shirts, and social media is. You do have a problem with trans people, clearly, since you're having psychological distress just at seeing someone who is or reads to you as trans. You've got to work on that. You cannot dictate the actions of others. And it's straight unhealthy to freak out at just seeing someone walking around minding their own business on campus. Students trying to get a speaker banned for transphobia is a problem, your dormmate from another floor walking to class is not a problem. You aren't a bad person for recognizing that Page and other trans people remain their biological sex, or believing that trans identity is a harmful backlash against feminism, or that porn is driving a lot of male transition, or that homophobia (for lesbians/bi women) is a driving force of transition. This is just recognizing the immutable fact of biological sex. Feeling bad for this recognition is something to work on - it's tied to women feeling guilt for every little thing. Let go of your guilt. My advice: LOG OFF. Reading radfem posts online is causing you real problems, and making you distressed about random people. Not good. Take a break. Realizing something is harmful for you, or that you have a limit that you've crossed is an important aspect of growing up and coming of age. Part of being mature is realizing what your limits are. And congrats, you've found a limit. You need to spend time reconnecting with the real world. Treat this like a good thing, something you've discovered about yourself that you now know going forward. Working on healing from this internet overload is a sign of maturity. Log off. Second: Do something directly useful that is meaningful to you. Ask other students for volunteer opportunities. Ask your counselor. Google for your area. See if there's an office for volunteering that can help you. This is related to logging off in that it reduces that amount of time you can spend online, and also introduces you to more people in real life. This helps develop nuance in your actions with others. Expands your understanding of where other people are coming from. And hopefully you can make some more friends. Be proud to be a feminist by helping women. Third: This is the hardest thing for many women: let go of your guilt and strengthen your backbone. Don't be afraid to be disliked. You aren't going to be able to please everybody. Enjoy your HP mug and if someone says something snide just say that the books were important to you and still are. Don't apologize for yourself. Don't feel guilt that you aren't living up to someone else's idea of what you should think about something.

And work on not imagining that everyone is watching you and trying to monitor your thoughts. That way lies serious paranoia. If no one says something to you, no one cares. Imagining the anger/disappointment/etc of others towards you is harmful behavior - you can't read minds. When you've healed, you can set boundaries and re-engage with some radical feminist literature. But I'd say give yourself AT LEAST 6 months away. And then really consider if it's going to be healthy for you to return or not. And if you do decide to return, engage not with twitter/tumblr/facebook/instagram, but with actual texts. Read Woman Hating. Read Invisible Women. Read a book about women in your field of interest. Texts that aren't just concerned with trans identity. You would have to build an understanding of radical feminism outside of transness, because no only is radical feminism about far more than trans identity, but without a foundational understanding of where radical feminism is coming from you can more easily once again fall down the rabbit hole into thinking that trans identity is the only thing that matters, etc. Delete your tumblr, your twitter. Lose your login info for your social media. As condescending as it can sound, it's nonetheless good advice: Go outside.

#don't take don't be afraid to be disliked as 'pick fights with as many people as you can'#it means don't bend yourself into knots to please people

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furiosity-wills-the-cat · 3 years

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Chara, the fourth Blook cousin:

A crack theory that accidentally become way more serious than it should have because it somehow, despite my best efforts, ended up making sense

Brought to you by my idiot conspiracy brain (affectionate) and by encouragement from my Tumblr followers

Under the cut for the sake of your dashes and sanity

Ok here we go my very elaborate accidental theory, because in order to answer the complex questions simply you must first make simple things more complex or something

First, you need to know that Chara became a Blook cousin by adoption.

All of the Blooks are adopted.

Ghosts are not born into families, they make their own.

Got it? Great, because we’re about to start running

so first, im gonna make surprisingly uncommon claim in this fandom, and I am going to say that undertale ghosts are all dead

I’m taking the tiny details we know about ghosts and sprinting with them to new places

Ghosts also do not have souls I decided

Undertale souls do not work the same as souls in traditional mythology

So every ghost is soulless Unless and Until they become corporeal

Evidence: Monster souls cant exist without bodies, and ghosts are monsters, therefore ghosts cannot have souls without bodies

Further evidence: Asriel doesnt steal blooky’s soul, blooky is unkillable, we have no concrete evidence that blooky has a soul

What about mettaton? He only has a soul after he has completely committed to being corporeal and to a specific body.

Also maddy and mettaton are both only killable while corporeal

Im also connecting the dots we have about souls in a new creative way so let me live for a second

Additionally, i am going to claim that there are a lot more ghosts than just the blooks, some evidence given below

Theres like actual scientific knowlege of ghosts in the undertale verse which seems unlikely if theres literally only three or four

The underground is so much bigger than you think, theres that giant forest in snowdin, a large town in the ruins, the huge city of new home, who knows how much space in the large open areas of waterfall etc. Its really really big okay

Also based off evidence of blooky, we can conclude that ghosts can turn invisible whenever they want to and/or haunt objects to hide

So I personally think that ghosts are, generally speaking, extremely reclusive

And the blooks are just a special exception, a beautiful family, amazing for them

So anyway im going with typical ghost lore for now, for the sake of ease, so im gonna say ghosts generally come from monsters who are particularly restless or unsatisfied when they die

HOWEVER i dont think they remember being monsters or anything before being a ghost. They just kinda fizzle into existance with a fully formed personality and immortality while being unkillable and feeling vaguely uneasy

ALSO i personally think that chara was a ghost for a long time before they became a blook by adoption

Based on game lore, i think ghosts can possess any inanimate object and just kinda wear it? But it takes a lot of strong emotion to become corporeal

And chara is the super weird exception because they were a human not a monster.

They dont have a soul (i headcanon that their soul got destroyed when asriel died)

And they KNOW this, which is a huge part of why they kinda just... give up

Because they lost their ability to fulfill prophecy

Also, without a soul, they lost their ability to reset, so for the first time since falling underground, theyre subject to the relentless march of time

But theyre still weirdly strong and powerful and more emotional

ALSO they DO still remember being a human but they catch on pretty quickly that other ghosts dont have memories and because chara is stupid they just lie to fit in

Theyre too tired to explain themself, they just want to be alone and feel awful

Now back to ghost lore

Emotions are a lot harder for ghosts??? I decided

And they dont know why,, they tend to blame it on the soul thing

But realistically its actually more of the immortality thing making actions not have consequences and/or or not having a body so they cant have a sense of touch or have physical effects of emotion

They all know that ghosts just tend to be way more floaty and bored and numb

And thats part of why the blooks are so special

Maddy’s rage and Mettaton’s yearning and Napstablook’s misery are like... not great all of the time...

but theyre also way way more emotion than most ghosts have,,, they are just a family supporting each other, being as functional as they can,, just an emo(tional) ghost family

most ghosts barely do anything except like stare at walls but the blooks have their snail farm and that helps them have purpose and it is good

And they hold each other accountable and it is nice

So anyway chara just chills and is in a depression coma for a few decades before the blooks find them and are like “our child/baby cousin”

and they raise them for a cool minute

They are all very protective of the new baby emo blook

And chara doesnt get therapy but at the very least they once again have a family, and they decide they want to try to become corporeal eventually just like mtt and maddy

So anyway chara starts hanging out in the ruins a lot more and they finally tell the blooks theyre leaving to go become corporeal in the ruins

This is actually because they are trying to hang out with toriel

because they miss their mom ;;

but chara’s not gonna admit that to anyone, especially not to themself

And because theyre still repressing their emotions constantly and pretending to be fine, they cant become corporeal

And they hang out in the ruins for a long time because they feel guilty lying to everyone about everything

They still feel like its their fault that all the monsters are stuck underground, because they were SUPPOSED to save everyone and they COULDNT and it HURTS

But again, they are doing too much repression to use this guilt to become corporeal,

so instead they just kinda hide and watch toriel from a distance and cry

Blooky visits them the most, thats why blooky is chilling in the ruins so much at the start of the game

Theyre just there to visit their shy baby cousin ;;

Ofc they wont tell frisk about this because chara wants space and privacy and blooky respects that

but maddy and mtt also visit them a lot

Oh also when mtt and maddy start dissapearing, blookys mental health plummets as their family and support system starts to dissolve

Blooky was actually doing extremely well (for a ghost) for a long time, i headcanon,

but theyre doing the worst theyve been in a long long time during the game, because of family issues

So anyway, chara dissapears when frisk shows up, and maddy assumes this is becaude frisk hurt their fragile feelings

Maddy spends hours desperately searching the ruins for chara and cant find them and assumes that they had their heart crushed and went to hide and disappear in a depression coma for another few decades, and thats part of why maddy is so furious with frisk

Like,, to be clear, maddy is still jumping to conclusions and throwing blame around with no proof, but also, its a logical conclusion to come to

And mettaton has already disappeared too and been gone for a while, too, by this point, so it hurts even worse

But anyway, what actually happened to chara is that;

Because chara is a human ghost, not a monster ghost, normal ghost rules dont apply to them

And they can possess living things too they find out

Maybe they knew it a long time ago, maybe its a new discovery, but for whatever reason they end up possessing frisk and theyre like “what the heck”

And frisk still has most of the control

But now chara is like,,, “this is my chance, im a human again, gotta save the world for real,,,”

and they cant explain this to anyone without revealing their past

so they just chill in frisk’s mind while being super crypic and trying to figure out how it works

Pacifist route, this is pretty much exactly what happens

They manage to help frisk save the day

And in my headcanon, the no mercy route is started by frisk who is scared when faced by monsters attacking them

And then chara, who was aready hiding in a semidepression coma for a while, immediately transitions to a panicked “gotta protect this body, gotta protect my chance to be human, i died and threw away my chance to save everyone the first time, i CANNOT lose this chance again”

And so the combination of both frisk and chara is the genocide run

Because frisk kills in self defense, and whenever frisk hesitates, chara jumps in

Also theres leftover feelings from the whole asriel incident

Because again, ghosts come from monsters who died unsatisfied

And chara’s main source of unsatisfaction is how they were trying to get asriel to kill people before he died and then he didnt

So thats a strong strong feeling ruling them

So anyway by the time they both realize how bad its become they figure its too late and also the amount of LOVE has made them numb

And thats when chara who, despite everything, still has idiot hero complex and thinks they need to save the world

So, while panicking, they step in at the very end, and erase the timeline and delete everything

And also to clarify

They DONT HAVE this power at any other point in the game

Because, guess why

They become corporeal

Just like maddy, the no mercy route is the only thing that gives them strong enough emotion to spontaneously become corporeal

So they become corporeal and as soon as they have a soul again and can reset again, they just erase everything

Ok back to fluff

Post pacifist route, they are still a non corporeal ghost

They can still float around and look just like the other blooks

And it takes them a while to open up about things, but they do end up moving back in with blooky so that blooky isnt completely alone

And also they do way better with a family

Also they can float through the mountain and talk to flowey down below and bring him news

And now that they know about him, they can bond with him and explain that they dont have a soul either but that doesnt mean theyre worthless

Oh ALSO

The other dead humans dont have ghosts

BECAUSE

ghosts only come from restless dead MONSTERS

and chara is the weird special exception

Because they were a monster when they died

They became a ghost and asriel didnt because they were way more restless and stressed than asriel was when both of them died

Like sure, asriel felt awful, but chara was the one who was way more like “this is my fault, i CANT die now, the world NEEDS me”

So anyway

charablook the emo tween ghost and asriel flowey the eldrich goat daisy are siblings once more and they hang out and eventually they are okay and have a family again

Thank you for reading, this has been my thoughts on a crack theory that accidentally went too far

This isnt even everything, maybe i’ll make a part two eventually, but i promised to have this post out like two days ago, so i wanted to post SOMTHING

Anyway leave your thoughts if youd like

Im not looking for people to disprove it, i already know its crazy, i dont think it was intentional by the game writers, but i do think its a fun concept

thats the fun of it, so if anyone wants to run with it im all for it lol

Thanks again! Have a nice day!

#no mercy #as a warning tag #chara undertale #napstablook undertale #fic tag #meta #analysis #crack theroy #undertale #i didnt edit this very much #so if there are any major typos or parts that didnt make sense #or were illegible #feel free to let me know so i can clarify

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ndiecity · 3 years

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idk ur still doing the confessions thing but anyway. it's not really wild or anything, i just needed to get it off my chest lol (you can ignore this if you want this gets pretty long and confusing i think so buckle up)

also shoutout to the 6th grade anon, i had a similar 6th grade exp. middle schoolers are the worst. i literally had little no friend AND was bullied lol.

anyway there was this one girl in my class that was like a sorta popular girl i was friends with. so during 6th grade, i had no friends except for her (i dont think she saw me as a friend tho or were even friends in the first place?? idk) and i would always crave her attention. i didn't know i had a crush on her i think.

(side note: i would rate the girls in my class based on how pretty and nice to me they are, (i think i put her on 2nd lol))

so then whenever she was absent for the day i would feel sad and all that shit. whenever she was around i always do anything to please her or make her think im cool or something (i was not cool, i was a loser). we would talk endlessly on messenger, talking abt random shit, how shitty her mom was, how shitty my mom was etc. one time during our first class for the day (which was about 5am i think) she was acting weird, i asked her about it, she said her stomach hurt. so me, being all lovesick and shit gave her my lunch ( i didn't have lunch money and only had sandwiches lol) when she thanked me for it, and said she felt better, i felt so proud. idk i just felt so happy then

fast forward to end of 6th grade, we were graduating. by that i mean transitioning from 6th grade to 7th grade. anyway. so we graduated, kept in touch, still messaged her on messenger, and then school got in the way and my phone got taken away cuz i failed sum classes in the 2nd quarter. never had it back since. so we didnt talk for about 4 years.

so back in 2020, my parents got me a laptop for school, and i made a new mess. acc. i reached out to her again. we talked, talked abt shitty moms, i found out she's bi and i told her im a lesbian. after a few days i asked her if she'd ever had a gf or bf or whatever (like the idiot i was) and said she didnt have to answer if she didnt want to obvi. she said yes she's had bf's before. i said, cool. then she asked me why i was asking i told her i was just curious.

then came out of nowhere, she said, "wanna try?" so then my brain shut off and i didnt reply for minutes then she just sent a "haha"

and she was like, "oh sorry was that weird? sorry😬"

but i said it was fine and shit. we didnt talk about it for about a day.

then we were talking again and i was like, "so this is gonna sound weird but do you ever like, like someone and would want a romantic relationship with them but wouldn't like, mind being their friend instead? like youre in the middle?"

and she said "yeah, i have" so then i was like "oh cool, cool"

then she asked, "why? have you?" and i said yes.

then she asked who. and my brain shut off again lmaoo so i was just like "you" the speech bubble appeared multiple times lmao then i followed up with like, "sorry! that was weird! please just forget about it!"

then she was like, "no no, it's fine. i feel the same way" (and i beliived it. how naive was i?)

so then i was like, "really?? cool cool cool" (im a really awkward person okay)

then after a few minutes of talking again (you know when you're like flirting as a joke but then it's not a joke anymore? lol) she was like, "so wanna be my gf?"

my brain shut off again. i didnt answer for a few minutes cuz my brain was dead. then she was like, "um was that too fast? that was too fast sorryy"

by the time i read that my hand was shaking lmaoo (from nervousness or shock i dont know) so i hastily replied with, "nah its fine. i would love too" after overthinking it and shit

does dating count when your just talking over text? what is dating????

anyway we flirt a lot, saying goodnight, i love you's and shit. she said i was her first gf, i said she was my first relationship and what not. i was genuinely happy. i had a person who understood me, and liked me, and i was happy. she even said she saved my bday on her phone

so then like about a week and a before my bday was when shits started to go down.

i messaged her, said a quick goodmorning cuz i had classes and how i wanted to kill myself and shit like that (dont worry, im not actively suicidal and she already knew this) she replied and i quote "Good morning, love. I love you."

then like after classes, i messaged her, asked how her day was, told her about my day etc. i waited about an hour. (she doesnt typically reply for about 10 - 15 minutes cuz duh she does have a more eventful life than mine) so i thought none of it. thought she was just busy. so it was nighttime and still no word from her. so i said good night and wished for her to be safe.

morning came, i checked my messages, still nothing, she didnt even see it yet. i went on with my day thinking nothing of it. told myself she might have some problems at home and all that. by the 3rd day, i was pretty anxious and i couldnt think properly. my brain conjuring up scenarios where her mom found out, and her phone got taken away. anything just to convince myself what the dreaded truth was.

it was the 5th day was when i gave up. i saw she changed her pfp, and captioned it like she would normally caption it. replied to the comments, that kind of shit. so then i was so mad by then so i commented too. ofc she didnt reply. i spent days worrying over her safety, when in reality she's just an asshole. and i really thought she really like me you know? i really thought she'd at least considered me as her friend, i guess not

my bday came, we had a party but i wasn't really feeling it ya know? by then i'd already spent the past week crying myself to sleep. no one noticed a thing.

a few months ago i saw she had a bf, and by that time i already felt like my old self again, no longer the broken pathetic shell she left. i was back to square one. so i cried again.

present day, i still see her posts, her ig stories, (i dont think she blocked me). and i cant bring myself to block her either. like idk on one hand i'm so mad that she just left me hanging, that her relationship with her new bf lasted longer than we were together and on the other i knew if she ever reached out again, i would latch on to every inch of her. (that's probably bad lol)

anyway have a nice day/afternoon/night!!!! i hope i havent troubled you too much lol sorry!

Damn that's a lot to take in, I'm sorry 😔

#long post

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