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kikithedeceiver · 5 years

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Are you going to translate kagerou daze last chapter? I can’t wait

Well...okay. I’m gonna be honest with the Kagepro Fandom here.

It is not likely Iwill post the RAW manga for the fandom anymore

I will get the manga, yes. But at this point, I don’t evenwant to contribute anything to do fandom to help with access to officialcontents.

It was a very hard decision to make, but with how theKagepro fandom is acting today, I have decided I will not post the Kagepro RAWson Tumblr anymore, and will remove all RAWs I have scanned once I get thesubscription.

TL; DR: At thispoint, the fandom is too toxic, therefore I have no more desire to provide themanga chapters even though there is only one chapter left. Sorry to those whowere not involved in this, but screw it with the antis who now run the fandomand hope you’re happy.

Also still shipKanoKido and don’t see HibiMomo as a “pedophilia ship”

Listen. Back when I joined the fandom, it was a simplertime. Yobanashi Deceive came out, followed by Lost Time Memory and Ayano’sTheory of Happiness shortly after. Those days were simple as we all cried overKano and Ayano, and think of the potential plot LTM revealed as we all waited forMekakucity Actors to come out. We also had awesome contents on translatorstranslating some fancomics (with permission) and a good amount of fanfics andfanarts provided by the fans in this fandom.

Of course, we had some discourse over which was better:KanoKido or KanoAya; and over Shounen Brave’s MV being leaked online. And wehad major discourse over how MCA went, but in the end it’s just agree todisagree and move on to focus to other medias Kagerou Project was released in,or just move away from the series in general.

Right now with the fandom, however, they cannot agree ordisagree over ships. Majority of the fandom anyway. Today the fandom…other fandoms really, just love to throwthe word ‘incest’ and ‘pedophilia’ left and right with ease and spread theirflames in their posts, tags and replies. In everything, really. Even when theyposted official art, they feel the need to scream in their tag to tell usshippers to fuck off and die for shipping what they think is ‘incest’. I also knowthere are those who are disgusted over my display picture of Kano and Kidokissing, which an old friend of mine edited when that episode of MCA aired(won’t reveal name because I don’t want you to attack them). And even feelgross out over the pic in my blog of Kano petting Kido’s kitty ears.

I want to ask, how can the antis who claim Kano and Kido aresiblings, can see petting as sexual? You could have chosen to see it as abrother petting his sister’s kitty ears because it is cute and fun to tease herfor that, but no. Just because Kano and Kido are alone within a picture…or apanel frame really, you guys choose to view it as a romantic relationshipinstead of a sibling relationship, getting angry over it and spreading hate.

Ironic for antis who claim Kano & Kido are siblings, butjust seeing them together doing something makes you think it’s romantic anyway.

What’s more. Age gaps. Ever since another discourse over ships happened when my friend tried to makepeace with shippers (and sadly failed and upset over it when you guys flamedher), I have heard of this thing called “Half your age + Seven” to dictate whoto date with, and what is appropriately shippable, like HibiMomo. Honestly thispost have the best response over it, but I will quote the replyhere.

so a 16 year old can’tdate a 14 year old? so an 18 year old can’t date a 16 year old? so a 40 yearold can’t date a 27 year old? a math expression should not be the regulation ondating ages…

and if it’s shippingwho tf cares? not hurting anybody because they all fictional…

To be honest, this reminds me of Dead Poet Society. Ifanyone had seen the film, maybe you recall a scene where poetry is calculatedby math as well. This is that level of stupidity. The fandom today is doingsomething what could be considered excrement on what is acceptable over whatis fiction and bringing that over to reality. The reality where your parents,grandparents, classmates or anyone you know also have age gaps, and that reallyyou are more upset over fictional characters dating instead of real-life issuesof incest and pedophilia.

Other than that little discourse fiasco, there are otherthings, but I will not go into detail. Instead just says this tiny fandom justfeels too entitled with their belief and doing uncalled for things likebackstabbing and limiting others to enjoy supporting the fandom in their ownway. Also to let the antis go free by just sit by and watch. I understand thosewho are just tired and don’t want to deal with them. But for those who actuallyenable the antis to do what they want because you guys just don’t care, youguys are part of the guilty party as well by letting them grow and think it’sa-okay to be like this.

With that being said, I do not feel the need to post thefinal chapter anymore. You guys will have to figure it out yourselves or justwait and hear bits and pieces of it maybe. But I don’t even want to post what Iknow. Instead I will just share those RAWs with who I am friends with and whomI trust, plus those who are more mature because instead of flaming, they justlet others enjoy what they ship and do their own things.

The chapters being taken down will also remove myself as aRAW provider to the fandom, which I am thankful because I do not need to dothis anymore, as I, again, I hate scanning and always believe I would get intotrouble.

I know there are those, like my friends and mutuals I havehere on Tumblr, who wanted to read the manga since they do not have access tothem where they live. I am sorry for doing this to them too, but it just isn’tworth it in the end.

Instead, I will spend my remaining days in the fandom asjust someone who hears bits and pieces of Kagepro fandom here and there while Iam enjoying myself more in another fandom or doing other things I enjoy inlife, instead of spreading hate when someone doesn’t agree with you. I willstill look forward to Jin’s next album and when Mekakucity Reload to come out, andalso I might finish my KanoKido Oneshot requests and multichapter stories Iwanted to finish, but that will take a longtime since I’m planning to focus other writing instead.

But what I look forward to the most is when the series’ end,so then it can be put to rest for real and I can officially leave and let thefandom to slowly die. Might hear some things, but it will be a dying fandom atthat point.

The asks are still open for yelling. But it will just provea point. But right now, I believe I have blocked a lot of anti, which goes toshow how toxic this fandom has become. If I do get any asks/anon hate though,feel free to blacklist #discourse and #negativity, dear followers. Tumblralways had that option at least, you guys just need to use it when you’re onthe app without xKit. Also I will just answer those asks once, then block them afterwards (if you’re sending an ask through anon, you’re IP blocked).

If you guys read this whole thing (over 2 pages at thispoint), then I thank you for reading this. And more so if you understand what Iam doing. Sorry to those who are upset over this, but not to the antis who areupset and possibly raging if they read this.

Because with antis running the fandom, I want no part in itby providing them the last manga content.

#kagepro #kagerou project #kagerou daze manga #kagepro fandom #kiki's kagepro scans #kiki's raw scans #discourse #negativity #Anonymous

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062467 · 5 years

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Rammstein Tag Game!

Rules: - Tag the person who tagged you, so they know. - Put your answers under the questions. - Tag as many awesome people as you want. - Feel free to do it if you weren’t tagged! Here we go!

I don’t remember who I was tagged by, this draft post is like 3 years old i’m sorry haha

1. If you get a chance to take a photo with your favorite member, would you like them to smile, make an interesting pose, be serious or something else?

I would honestly love them to smile, there’s nothing more precious than them, six men who do pyro, sing about eating humans and generally seem badass and scary, smiling.

2. If you could choose only one of the previous live performances to go to, which one would you choose?

opening of the Mutter tour, or the one when they played Lied von der unruhevollen Jugend or Pet Sematary. honestly, i’d just blind pick one of these.

3. How old were you when Sehnsucht came out? (1997)

-3:) kill me now

4. Which era (their appearance/look) do you think was the best?

MUTTER, THE RED FLÄMIN HOT CHEETO TIPS. or just the general full-on fed hair thing. but Reise, Reise was also flaming hot.

5. What’s your desired relationship with Frau Schneider? (wife, mother, etc.)

I feel like she’d be this one annoying aunt, who you love despite them being irritating as shit. love me some Frau.

6. Which hairstyle suits each member the best in your opinion?

Paul: the long hair, doesn’t matter if blonde or brown Till: his Herzeleid hair or the silver-ish Sehnsucht Richard: spiky black, like Ich-Will-video level spiky black. but I live for richard in long-ish hair... Flake: blonde Oliver: hehe. no but seriously a full beard suits him. Schneider: I feel like now is my favorite Schneider era. that or either the Sehnsucht one.

7. Which of the members do you think you’d get along with the best and why?

either Paul, because I’m a goofy mess, but can pose as intimidating, or Richard, because I’d constantly express my admiration for him. and he’d love that. on a serious note tho, I feel like we have some problems in common, as well as the supernatural thingy would be an interesting topic to tackle. idk, I’d do my best to get along with all of them.

8. Which of the members do you think you’d get along with the least and why?

probably Flake, Oliver or Till. I heard that Flake is cranky and seems shy, same with Oli, I’m shy too, so idk if any conversation would ever take place haha. and with Till I’d simply be too damn scared to say a thing. so there’s that. basically we wouldn’t *dislike* each other, there would be barely any contact lol

9. Who of the members would you like to see singing with Till?

hell, maybe Ollie or Doom, just because I never heard them sing with him, I think.

10. Which band’s song would you wish to see as a cover by Rammstein?

idk, they always kinda surprised me with their cover choices and execution, so I wouldn’t like to change that, they’re doing a good job.

11. Who of the members would make the best dad?

something tells me that Schneider is a really caring dad.

12. If you got the chance to interview Rammstein, what would you ask them?

how do you pick you setlist? what qualifies a track to be an opener?

do you come up with stage and outfits concept yourself, or is it suggested by someone else?

what flavor of ice cream would you be?

what is your most vivid memory from your childhood?

which era is your favorite?

do you have a vision of a music video for a song that never got one? or a different vision than the music video it got?

I’d rather not write all of it here. not because they’re inappropriate or something, it’s just, I don’t even wanna start writing some of them, because I’m gonna cry lmao.

13. Would you consider of doing a nude scene in Rammstein’s music video? (just you appearing nude, nothing too nsfw)

I mean, if course I’d consider it. it would depend on my shape at the time and just on that probably. doing acts and nude scenes is, supposedly, very liberating and makes you more comfortable with yourself, so why not. and hey - I’d be in a Rammstein video haha. (I’d probably not like the way I look and hate myself a bit for doing the scene)

14. If you could remake a movie(s) so that the main role is played by one of the members, which movie(s) would you like to remake?

my favorite movies are always pretty tragic or scary as fuck for the main character, so idk if I’d like to see any of the members in such state.

15. Who of the members would make the best husband?

I will go with Flake or Ollie

16. You can put eyeliner on one of the members, who do you pick?

well, Richard, obviously, since he doesn’t seem to do it anymore (which should be considered a crime, he looks so good in eyeliner jeez).

17. Who of the members would make the creepiest uncle?

Till. all the way lmao. like, imagine him on family gatherings doing all the hips and tongue movements aaaa.

18. What do you think about the “Pussy” music video?

I love it, it’s so funny to me. when I watch it, it’s always a mixture of being a tad uncomfortable, turned on and giggly.

19. If you could travel somewhere with Rammstein and pick a destination, where would you go?

I’d go to the place where they had the whole creative process (and recording, I believe) of LIFAD or Mutter. I’d just like to kinda re-live it with them.

20. Who of the members would be the best to get drunk with?

I’d love to get hammered with Paulchen.

21. Could you sing Engel with Till in front of thousands?

hell yeah, this is one of the few songs I feel comfortable singing. I’d love to do that even more if it was done like on 2019 stadium tour, on the b-stage, only with piano and rest of the group humming. ahh.

22. With which member would you agree to swap clothes with and with which one would you definitely not?

if we’re talking personal style, Paul has some poppin outfits, from what I’ve seen, Richard and his shirts, however... I would just let him rock them:)

now if we’re talking stage outfits, I’d LOVE to switch with Richard (especially the fluffy coat), there’s not really a person I wouldn’t switch with, as long as they’re not topless haha.

23. Which of the members do you think would win in a stripping competition?

Richard.

24. Which of the following would you rather be?

- Rammstein’s manager - Rammstein’s make up artist 🙋🏻‍♀️ - Rammstein’s bodyguard

25. Which of the members would make the best best friend?

Paul.

26. Which Rammstein song do you skip on your shuffle? (There must be that one song you just don’t need at the moment)

Stirb nicht vor mir. I’m sorry but I rarely can stomach it. it’s a nice song in theory, but there’s just something about it that I can’t stand, maybe it’s the other artist’s voice, I don’t know.

27. What would you do if Paul made a bad joke about you? (With good intentions but slightly rude)

I’d laugh and pretend to be offended for a quick second haha

28. Who would you give a stuffed animal and who a leather thong for their birthday? XD

I’d give the animal to Flake and the thong to Till.

29. Are you concerned about anything that has to do with Rammstein?

I’m always scared for them tbh. oftentimes I’m just petrified at the thought of stage/pyro malfunction, I mean what they’re doing is some really dangerous stuff.

besides, I’m scared when I think that they won’t be here forever, sometimes I’m scared that they won’t be there when I’ll be in my 30s, so I’m grateful for every moment I can cherish them and their craft, for every minute at the shows.

30. Would you like to get a tattoo that refers to Rammstein?

yeah, I’d like a couple.

31. Would you pet Oliver’s head?

who tf wouldn’t like to?

32. Which position in Rammstein do you find the hardest to be? (for example: the frontman, drummer, bassist etc.)

probably frontman, lots and lots of pressure, most eyes are probably on them, they have to use most dangerous props and move a lot, so it takes a physical toll as well.

33. If you could have one of the members with you in school/work to protect you from evil, who would you take?

oh damn, that’s an interesting one. Richard, Is love to have him around.

34. If you were in one of the boys position, would you feel awkward or strange when you see your face on a giant poster?

of course, I’d hate it, probably. after sometime tho, I’d get used to it.

35. Would you Flake dance with Flake on stage?

if only I could dance like him haha, but I’d love to try!

36. Do you think any of the songs are underrated or overrated and why?

obviously I think Du hast is a tad overrated, as for underrated - Nebel, Adios, Hilf mir, Dalai Lama, just off the top of my head.

37. Who of the members would make the best breakfast?

I’m gonna go with Ollie, he’s so stoic and always in great shape.

38. Would you like them to make a song in your native language? (If they haven’t already)

hm, Till made an intro to polish edition of Sehnsucht and it was very sweet to hear it, but I don’t think so, no. if it was like in Ausländer, one or two words, sure, but I never want to get over the excitement of Till speaking Polish haha.

39. Which Rammstein couple combinations do you ship?

I don’t I mean I love all the sweet moments they share, but I get a bit uncomfortable when people make it out to be a bigger thing than it is. of course I love to joke around about their bromances, but it’s as far as it gets tbh.

40. Would you join Richard in his spray tanning hour?

I mean, damn, I love being pale-ish, but we’d have to be barely clothed while in there, right...?

RIGHT...?

41. What Rammstein possession are you most fond of? (merchandise, album or other)

probably the Völkerball photo album, I love it. I particularly like to go to the index and search for pictures from Poland, it makes me very emotional.

42. Favorite song performed live?

Heirate mich or Was ich liebe.

43. Would you dare to touch Frau Schneider’s hair?

I’d beg her to allow me to.

44. Rammstein with beard? Yes/No

yes, except from Richard and Flake.

45. Which of the members would be the best for playing video games with?

Paulie or Ollie.

46. Red haired Rammstein or blonde Rammstein?

oh shit oh fuck, I’m gonna go with blonde just because red tips Rammstein>redhead Rammstein.

47. Favorite interview with one or all Rammstein members?

Viva Jam 1998, still have a copy on my computer, it’s my first and favorite interview.

48. Would you Till hammer with Till on stage?

what are these questions, of course I would.

49. Your favorite feature in each member?

Paul: smile creases Schneider: smile! Flake: I love his whole face, it’s so calming Till: eyes and lips, can’t choose Oliver: his chest and him being a friggin giant Richard: tummy and lisp (I hope it can be considered a feature)

50. If you could write a letter to Rammstein what would you write?

some cheesy shit I will not share here.

I tag @amura @gay-pengy @beauty-at-matrix @naraism @followthecreeper

#personal #rammstein #.txt #fav

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applecherry108 · 5 years

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first of all hooooooooolyyyy shiitttt

FUCK tungle. it took like 30 tries to log in on desktop. admittedly, i was using the wrong password at first, BUT, even when i remembered the right one it kept giving me shit. This is what i get for being L337 i guess... -_-

anyways, im only on desktop so i can add a readmore to say:

i just,,,,,hate voltron. okay? It sucked. it fucking sucked. i watched the first season and it was like, okay yeah, this has potential. and then s2 was like, okay yeah not as good but maybe s3 will pick up...

s3 didn’t pick up. it was just one long death spiral by the same idiots who fucked up the atla sequel. i hate their writing, i hate their story plots, i hate how they butcher any good ideas they have, and i especially hate their inability to have good character AND plot development happen at the same time.

I got swept up in storm of klance and that’s about it. i have soft spots for other ships but at the end of the day i don’t care. i just don.t fucking,,, care???

the fandom is a mess, the crew was a mess, everything was a fucking mess from the get go.

Like who tf is this show written for?? it has to be for like, 8-10 year olds. It has to be. Everything is just so....stupid. Nothing is ever properly explained, motivations never really given, everyone is just a 2 dimensional cardboard cutout of a trope. And that pisses me off so much bc like??? other shows aimed at young kids can still have great world building. they can have good world building and characters and overall story and still be cheesy and a lil dumb. cheesy and a lil dumb is completely fine!! but voltron is just so...godammn... BORING!! it’s like i WANT to like the characters but its just so goddamn hard when everybody is so fucking flat. by all rights, i should want to marry allura. shes everything i loved when i was little, from her color pallet to her princesshood to her white fucking hair!! i should LOVE allura but i don’t!! i kind of hate her. why?? i don’t know!! shes so...boring! and flat! and fucking PASSIVE! everything in this show lands so fucking flat holy shit.

pidge at matts “grave”? yikes, that was second hand hard to watch for like.... “oooh this is so serious!” but the buildup wasnt there...it was kind of funny tbh... and HELLA awkward...

don’t get me started on lance and hunk. bolin was my favorite look character for the first few episodes and then he got knocked to Comic Relief and had maybe two (2) importantish moments. he/they may be part of the main cast but they’re not main characters. they feel like background props to the Actual Main characters.

which brings me to keith.

FUCK keith.

that’s my reaction after every! new! season!! is just,, FUCK keith. god the show functioned SO WELL without him. he’s just so...idk. i also don’t care. what was his character arc anyway? it SHOULD have been about learning to love and trust others but we only get that in lip service and speed run character development (i hate the quantum abyss...so much... like yeah, who cares about SHOWING our characters mature, let’s just tell that it happened in afucking montage.) if keith were a properly developed character he shouldve remained PASSIONATE and idk, run support?? that boy SHOULD have piloted red, end of story. period. keith doesn’t need to lead he needs to learn to TRUST others and that insludes trusting other WITH HIS LIFE. i won’t rant about how we should have had black paladin lance, but keith should have never ever been black paladin. even after he “matures” he still sucks at. he’s this awful,,little,, Shiro 2.0. and I hate it. i ahte it and i hate shiro just a little bit. even though he was arguably the most likeable character, he shouldve stayed dead. or missing. or whatever. he didn’t need to come back and they didnt need to make keith a little offbrand clone of him. i ESPECIALLY hate that they aged keith up 2 years for no goddamn reason other than to make him the Adult (tm). keith’s dedication to others was gre4at, but it should have, and im failing for this word here so forgive me, climaxed? cresscendo’d? whatever. /resulted/ in him playing support. not leader. lone wolf keith doesn’t need how to lead his pack, he needed to learn to HELP his pack. to be a TEAM PLAYER. he didn’t want the responsibility of leading bc guess what?? some people hate leading!! there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be support! keith’s entire arc is a huge mess of missed opportunities and a grand illustration that he is lm’s and jds’ favorite, just like fucking mako.

i won’t rant about mako, but just know i fucking hate him and the special treatment he gets, and good LORD does keith take over mako. keith isn’t space zuko he’s space mako and it fucking SHOWS.

okay, i’m losing steam here, but like.... so apple, why tf where u voltron 24/7 if you hated it so much? because homestuck was over and i needed a new hyperfixation. and i really had to force it for vld tbh. and at the end of the day, it wasn’t so much about the show itself as the potential of klance (or sheith, up until s3). between the interviews, the coding, the fucking EVERYTHING--it really felt like it could be canon. i knew in my heart it was queer baiting but i had HOPE dammit. hope that this could be killer representation, hope that these characters would delvelopment into something incredible. again, there was so much POTENTIAL. and all of it was wasted. everything really came to a head during the fucking game show episode. it was like lm and lds giving everyone who likes lance the middle finger, really driving home that “no no, he IS just stupid. he’s the comic releif. there’s nothing deeper about him and no one will stand up for him bc they all think of him as such.” and that just....broke my heart. we were so...SO close to lance actually mattering but nope! bolin’d again! and what was his purpose in s8? why to be an accessory to allura of course!

i’ve seen a lot of people really divorce themselves from canon and live solely for fanon, esp fanon klance but like.... i can’t. i just can’t. it’s so fucking hard to work with these cardboard characters. you can only draw so much depth onto them, you know? until the very last moments they had potential, but then it all got snuffed out. but who cares about canon? why bother with it? because! we don’t have a solid consistent fanon version of them! no one sat down and delivered the ten commandments of “here’s what we agree k and l are actually like” it’s stupid and it sucks because everyone has their own little differences and its so so tiring to basically be interacting with minutely different ocs all the goddamn time. canon matters bc it gives everyone the same base to work with. like a cooking showing with the same basket ingredients, but now it’s like.... ya’ll don’t wanna use the mandatory ingredients (and why would you? those canon ingredients are like, a century egg and spoiled sardines, they’re awful.)

okay, and im at work and just came back to this and dont remember my train of thought so like... what really threw all this into sharp clarity was the recent steven universe episodes. they were so...GOOD. so fucking good. so much plot and foreshadowing coming to a head. it was such a wonderfully satisfying payoff that it made me remember what a GOOD show is like, how vld is so very very /bad/. the difference is fucking striking. where one is an intricately woven tale with excellent character development and clear story AND character arcs, that can progress AT THE SAME TIME, one is a hacked together flaming dumpster firing that constantly falls flat and doesn’t know where its going or why. and it s so BORING! like fight scenes can be amazing! they can be well coreographed and tense! and we as the audience can be anxious about the outcome! and vld just wasn’t that! it was boring repetetive action in the least exciting way. and where su set up a lot of potential, holy shit they DELIVERED on that potential. not just for rep, but for characters! for story! for plain ol simple character interactions! and then, again, two dimensional cardboard cutouts.

and now with this difference in good vs bad show so very clearly highlighted for me, i just.... i can’t, anymore, with vld. it sucks. it sucked and i can’t pretend or force a fixation with it that just isn’t there, and truthfully, probably never was. maybe that’s why i’ve been struggling to finish my fic, struggling ever since i posted the last chapter, ever since s7, which, again, that game show was really the nail in the coffin as far as holding onto any hope that this tire fire would ever pick up. like a physically feel ill trying to finishing this stupid fic bc i don’t care so hard. i don’t care and i just... really want to be over it. im sick of seeing it everywhere, im sick of the drama, of the Discourse. like all fandoms have their issues, but hold fuck does vld fandom have a massive Purity problem. like, god, let people ship whatever. who cares. die mad about it.

like homestuck, idk if i’ll ever fully ween myself off vld but i want to move on. i want to enjoy Other Things without having this lackluster weight on my shoulders. and more than anything, i want to stop feeling like im obligated to like the same shit as i did two years ago, or last year, or hell, last week! feel free to unfollow, but yeah i just.... really needed to let this out in a proper post and not in the misc tags somewhere.

#behold my loathe letter to vld #if you actually enjoyed the show and don't wanna read all my bitching then like...probably pass this post up lmao #apple talks #to the tune of spam

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dreamlogic · 7 years

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"I've met a few angels" Really? That's so neat! Would you elaborate on that? 🌱🎶

aaaahhhh lmao perhaps “met” is the wrong word. it’s more like “happened to be in the way while they were doing their jobs and caught a glimpse of them, then spent a week not sleeping about it.” angels are intimidating af. even my guardian angel, who’s kind of a punk, carries himself with an incredible amount of power and authority. they’re incredibly graceful– so graceful that it’s a bit eerie how smooth and confident their movements are. i’ve encountered five angels over the course of my life (that i know of) and i don’t think i could ever forget any of them. and bc you caught me in a chatty mood, i’ll ramble a little about them under the cut:

the first angels i met were watchkeepers over the house i grew up in. it was a dinky little trailer in a quiet, well-maintained little park populated mostly by retirees and the occasional meth cook. nothing remarkable in itself, but i’m pretty sure our trailer was situated over some sort of spiritual continental divide or a rift in spacetime or something. weird shit always went down there, and i never realized how much weird shit went down till i moved out. my mom (who is also v sensitive to the supernatural) and i used to joke that it was a “halfway house for wayward demons and lost ghosts.”one night, i was going for a walk around the neighborhood, and when i returned to my house i saw two enormous shadowy figures crouched at each end of the trailer: one east, one west. the way they were perched reminded me of the ark of the covenant. they weren’t humanoid, per se, just shapes of dark cobalt and gold that almost disappeared in the night, with giant gold-laced wings outstretched to cover the majority of the house. one carried a spear, and one a staff with a lantern on the end, and they were crossed in the middle. neither acknowledged my presence, and although i glimpsed them out of the corner of my eye and in dreams several times over the years there, neither ever showed any signs of movement. their presence was grave and heavy, but overall comforting because after they took up post on our roof, the nastier demons tended to stay outside and leave us alone for the most part.

then there’s my guardian angel, for lack of a better word. i nicknamed him marlboro, because during the summer i first met him, i kept finding marlboro cigarette butts under my windowsill, which he eventually confessed to leaving there. did he smoke them? eat them? harvest them just to confuse me? i dunno, but for a while i was convinced it was a peeping tom who was really bad at covering their tracks.voyeurism aside, i also mistook him for a demon the first time i met him. at the time, i was still living in the trailer, and was still near constantly plagued with supernatural bullshit. demons tend to flock in threes for strength (imo trying to mimic the holy trinity), and i had a triumvirate in my room wrecking havoc on my mental health. i usually don’t have anxiety, but they were giving me anxiety attacks that felt like i’d been sliced in half with a blade of PURE RAW FEAR. i was chilling in my room one afternoon trying to calm down from one of these anxiety attacks when i thought i saw a shimmering blade out of the corner of my eye, emerging from thin air like an invisible curtain covering it had been briefly blown aside. thinking it was the demon, i whipped out my fuckin holy water and incense and tried to FITE TF OUT OF IT, but it didn’t budge. instead, it started laughing, this beautiful, but incredibly stressful sound like being stuck inside a giant brass bell while it rang.“are you really trying to exorcise me?” a voice asked, and i felt a bit nauseous. “get the fuck out, demon,” i replied. the laughter got louder and the blade burst into flames, sending light dancing around the room. “bro, seriously? i’m your angel,” it said. “here, watch this.” the point of the blade cut into the floor, opening up a little slice of darkness, and the point hooked around some screaming, squirming thing that it pulled up from the floor. i recognized it instantly as the demon that had been fucking with me: this vile thing dripping rotting blood and green bile, parts one two and three being a rusty spike, a moldering cloth wrapping it up, and a ribbon covered in eyes tying the bundle together. clawed hands reached out from behind the curtain shielding me from the brightness of the flaming blade and unwrapped the demon piece by piece, shredding it while it shrieked and blubbered. then the hands lifted the sword, twisted the blade into the demon’s “heart” and cut it in two easy as cutting air.the laughter stopped, and i felt a gentle weight on my knees and shoulders, pushing me to the floor. “you’re welcome,” the laughing voice said. the sword had disappeared behind the curtain again, and i felt a soft presence slip across my eyes before vanishing. i was so overwhelmed and stressed out by the encounter i took a nap on the floor and woke up four hours later.since then, i’ve gotten to know marlboro better and he doesn’t scare me anymore. his is a welcome presence, soft and humorous (if obnoxiously sarcastic for an angel), but still fiercely intense and a little careless with that intensity. i think he forgets my puny human brain can’t fully conceptualize his existence and sometimes he’s so intense it’s almost smothering. for the most part, he keeps his distance unless i call on him. lately, he’s been hovering over my bed while i sleep to guard my dreams, but for the most part he does his own thing elsewhere and doesn’t pay me much attention. i’ve also gotten a more accurate picture of his physical appearance over the years, but i still have trouble articulating. the ‘curtain’ i first saw turned out to be a garment he wears to shield himself from sight, like an invisibility cloak made of dark matter or some shit. if i had to compare his form to anything, it would be a barn owl, but even that doesn’t do him justice at all. i can’t tell if he carries many flaming blades under his cloak, or if those are feathers, or what, but occasionally i’ll catch a glint of sharp things in the soft, heavy, star-laden darkness under the garment. he exudes a dense rust-grey smoke that obscures everything but his face, and i think it’s another layer of protection he offers me, but i’m not sure. it smells like a bizarre blend of incense, rancid meat, and river water.

unlike my wandering truant angel, my mom’s guardian angel never leaves her side. it stands behind her with a vice grip on her left shoulder, and its presence scares the shit out of my cats. she has to ask it to loosen its grip and back off a bit, otherwise her shoulder aches and she can’t sleep with its overbearing weight on her. i haven’t seen much of its physical appearance, and i really don’t want to. it’s enormous, and tbh kinda terrifying. it wears full-body armor, but i only know what its head/shoulders looks like bc it noticed i was watching it and vanished with a sound like a flock of pigeons taking flight. its helmet is a featureless visor of tarnished golden-y color with plates like a snake’s scutes that slope gently into broad, rounded shoulders. tbh it looked a little bit like these fuckers, the druids from voltron. when they first made an appearance i was like “noooooooo fuckinnn wayyyyyy” lmao art imitates life or w/e.

this last angel came to me when i was visiting a catholic shrine in the rocky mountains. i’d been considering buying a rosary there, but the lil gift shop was closed. i was musing on this in one of the prayer gardens when something abruptly called my attention between two spruce trees on the opposite end of the garden. i felt magnetically drawn to that spot, even though i had to hop two fences and a rock wall to get there. “there” was a statue of an angel dedicated to some long-dead benefactor of the shrine, and to my eyes it seemed to be coated in a layer of glistening, fuzzy white down, like some sort of fungus, or dew-coated wool. from the angel’s outstretched hand was dangling a rosary, which wasn’t exactly uncommon. “i can’t take this, someone left it here for a reason,” i thought to myself. the shrine was littered with trinkets and offerings and it felt wrong to disturb them, but a voice that sounded like wind through a bottle rose from the fluff coating the statue and asked me “why do you think i compelled her to leave it? it’s yours.” after some deliberation (but not much cause you don’t just disregard authoritative talking statues), i unlooped the rosary from the angel’s hand. the second i did, the white down scattered like this [video link, arachnophobia cw]. here’s a pic of the angel statue, but it doesn’t look nearly as awe-inspiring as it did when covered with angel dust, or whatever that was (i’m p sure it was angelic, but i’m not sure if it was a single entity or a flock/hivemind of little luminous beings). the rosary now lives in a bag with my tarot deck bc i’m an awful blasphemous christian.

#angels #jesustalk #yes i know some (most) of this sounds batshit crazy #i have considered the possibility that my weird neurodivergence is responsible for these experiences #but they didn't feel like psychotic episodes.#they had weight and perspective and tangibility that hallucinations usually don't #besides reality is subjective and my reality is that i have crossed paths with five beings who seemed distinctly angelic #and i'd rather believe that life really is that strange and wonderful #than reduce it all to a fluke in brain chemistry #anon #asks

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