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Loose Cannons Unleashed Part One

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[ON SCREEN GRAPHIC: Blue background. The top of the Capitol Building occupies the left hand side of the television screen.

Centered in the middle of the screen: “P-SPAN. THE POLITICAL CHANNEL.”]

P-SPAN Announcer (off screen): The P-SPAN Network bring you long-form public affairs programming from the nation’s capital and are a public service of…

[ON SCREEN GRAPHIC: Logos of twenty three different cable and satellite television companies replace the Capitol Building and P-SPAN graphic.]

P-SPAN Announcer (v/o): …your television provider.

[ON SCREEN GRAPHIC: Returns to the blue background with the top of the Capitol Building occupying the left hand side of the television screen with “P-SPAN. THE POLITICAL CHANNEL.” centered in the middle of the screen.]

P-SPAN Announcer (v/o): P-SPAN. The Political Channel.

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Johnny Suave (voiceover): Last week on PCW Extreme Political TV…

-PCW Owner Dawn McGill arrives at the arena with former Jerrold Nadler (NY-Progressive Alliance) intern Nicholas Tarkowski in tow. He’d like to go home and crawl in a hole. McGill has other plans.

-The SEC’s ‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller and ‘Dangerous’ Dan Williams ‘celebrate’ their upcoming win this weekend at Loose Cannons Unleashed with a cake. The current PCW Tag Team Champions Rah and Halitosis crash their party…and Miller’s head, into the cake.

-While Tarkowski paints McGill’s toenails, Executive Committee President Nancy Pelosi (CA-Progressive Alliance) and Vice President Chuck Grassley (IA-American Patriots) ask for a huge favor- allowing the rematch between Charlie Blackwell of the Red Brand and the Ultimate Social Justice Warrior from the Blue.

-‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot defeats C.J. Lewis to become the new #1 contender for the PCW Women’s title. She faces Women’s Champion Yosemite Samantha tonight for the title.

-‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott says he’s worked hard and put himself in position to win the PCW title at Loose Cannons Unleashed.

– PCW Women’s Champion Yosemite Samantha is focused on her match against Harlot…as in REALLY focused.

-For her part, Harlot thinks Yosemite Samantha has become unhinged. She believes YS will lose it during the match and she’ll be there to take advantage of the situation.

-Tarkowski shaves off the calluses and dead skin from McGill’s feet with a pumice stone.

-Financial guru Dave Ramsey tries to explain responsible financial planning to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Kevin McCarthy, and Mitch McConnell. The operative word is try.

-PCW Champion Stone Chism talks about his match with Kevin Scott. He says the best man will win the match and he believes the best man is him.

-Pelosi tells the Ultimate Social Justice Warrior they plan on using PCW’s ‘lax’ rules concerning disqualifications to their advantage.

-Tarkowski gives McGill’s feet a good washing in the ring as she introduces the special main event between Charlie Blackwell and the Ultimate Social Justice Warrior.

-MAIN EVENT: Charlie Blackwell defeats the Ultimate Social Justice Warrior to become the new number one contender for the Champion of the Political Universe crown when the PCW locker room comes out to negate the numbers advantage Professor McCarthy’s Flock tried to give the Progressive Alliance/Blue Brand wrestler.

==============================

PCW Extreme Political TV on P-SPAN Monday April 8th, 2019 Loose Cannons Unleashed Part One D.C. Armory Washington, DC

Announcers: ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave ‘Low-Level New York Times Reporter Trying to Make a Name for Herself’ Colleen Crowder ==============================

The camera pans all over the D.C. Armory as PCW is on the air!

Spotlights move back and forth through the crowd. The camera zeroes in on a section of the arena where the PCW fans are.

Crowd: PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…

Cut to ringside where ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave stands inside the ring.

Johnny Suave: Hello everyone! Welcome to Political Championship Wrestling!

Crowd: PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…

Johnny Suave: THIS. IS. LOOSE. CANNONS. UN-LEASHED!

Suave pauses as the crowd in the PCW section roars.

Johnny Suave: I am Johnny Suave. This is ‘Low-Level New York Times Reporter Trying to Make a Name for Herself’ Colleen Crowder. We are at the D.C. Armory in Washington D.C.!

Suave runs down the matches on tonight’s show…

——————————–

PCW Women’s Title Match Yosemite Samantha © vs. The winner of the ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot vs. ‘former Hooter’s waitress’ C.J. Lewis

PCW Title Match ‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism © vs. ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott

——————————-

Colleen Crowder: I’m just appalled at the first match. We need women who project positive images and we’re stuck with these two.

Johnny Suave: Both Yosemite Samantha and Lani Harlot have worked her way up from the bottom to get to where they are now. Perhaps if you weren’t looking down your nose at them, you’d have a different attitude.

Colleen Crowder: No. No, I wouldn’t. And then there’s the main event. The Hollywood turncoat Stone Chism against the walking American stereotype Kevin Scott. Why oh why am I stuck calling these matches?

Johnny Suave: Just lucky I guess.

*”Imperial March”- Star Wars*

Colleen Crowder: Ugh. And he’s here tonight.

Johnny Suave: Well. It is a big event.

The CEO of the Political Universe Donald Trump, the COO of the Political Universe Mike Pence both make their entrance.

“TRUMP.

TRUMP.

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP”

Just over half of the crowd stands up and applauds. The rest of the crowd vociferously boos.

Colleen Crowder: BOOOOOOOO!

Johnny Suave: Yeah, you’re not the least biased aren’t you?

“TRUMP.

TRUMP.

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP

TRUMP-TRUMP-TRUMMMMP”

PCW OWNER DAWN McGILL SPEAKS Next, the owner of PCW Dawn McGill strolls out to the ring- much to Colleen’s further annoyance.

McGill notes that two months ago, the Establishment felt so threatened by PCW that they deliberately rammed her car and she spent several fun-filled hours ziptied in the back of a SUV.

Dawn McGill: And yet, here we are. The Establishment wanted us to go away. The Establishment thinks we…PCW…are distracting people away from their business and their high priced wrestlers bought and paid for by their high priced masters and that’s why they shanghaied me, tried to intimidate me, tried to tell me how PCW could be squashed by their corporate might. We’ve proven you don’t need corporate money to succeed. We’ve proven you don’t need a government bureaucracy to succeed. What do we need? An equal and fair playing field. Everyone playing under the same rules. No special dispensations. One set of rules for everyone no matter who you are. We’ve built PCW back from the ground up- the way it’s supposed to be.

McGill pauses for applause.

Dawn McGill: I don’t know about the rest of the show. But I do know this, the PCW matches tonight are going tear the house down! We are going to kick serious ass tonight. We dare anyone from the Red Brand or Blue Brand to top what they are about to see tonight. And we’re going to do to for you– our fans. Thank you.

McGill spikes the mic defiantly.

Colleen Crowder: She’s going to pay dearly one of these times. Dawn McGill can’t keep poking the bear without expecting some sort of reaction.

Johnny Suave: You mean the Establishment right?

Colleen Crowder: Who does she think she is?

Johnny Suave: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe she’s the owner of a wrestling company who’s succeeding without corporate support or government money. Maybe she does what every normal, average citizen has to do in real life and spends within their means and builds her business from the ground up. That’s who.

Colleen Crowder: You’re mansplaining to me.

Johnny Suave (mock Jack Nicholson voice): YOU can’t handle the truth.

Crowder does not answer.

Suave says we’ll be back after these messages.

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**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

Brought to you by the American Patriots:

[PCW Owner Dawn McGill watches the action on a monitor in her office.]

*KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK*

[She warily gazes at the door. She knows who’s there.]

Dawn McGill: Come in.

[It’s American Patriot Leaders Kevin McCarthy from California and Mitch McConnell from Kentucky.]

Dawn McGill: Kevin. Mitch. What a surprise.

[McCarthy and McConnell approach her desk.]

Dawn McGill: What do you have on your mind?

Kevin McCarthy: Dawn, we’re here to offer you a golden opportunity.

[Dawn knew that already but she humored the pair.]

Dawn McGill: Golden opportunity, you say?

Mitch McConnell: Yes. PCW should come home…to the Red Brand.

[Dawn sits back in her chair.]

Dawn McGill: Come home to the Red Brand.

Kevin McCarthy: That’s right. The American Patriots are the faction of Abraham Lincoln. The Red Brand is the perfect place for you to be.

Dawn McGill: I see. And where would our wrestlers start?

Mitch McConnell: Of course, your wrestlers will have to start at entry level.

Dawn McGill: Entry level?

Mitch McConnell: The pay isn’t great but it’s better than it used to be.

Kevin McCarthy: And we also have some wrestlers who are bankrolled by some of our big corporate supporters. They would have to be pushed ahead of all the newcomers.

Dawn McGill: I’ve heard that.

Mitch McConnell: Plus, there’s the whole corporate branding of the characters that would have to be done.

Dawn McGill: Well, as much as that sounds intriguing (turns facetious)…and it does…I think I’m going to pass.

Kevin McCarthy: I see, you want us to sweeten the deal.

[McCarthy makes a hand gesture that denotes ‘sweetening the deal.’ McGill’s knows what he’s doing and wonders why the hell he’s doing it.]

Kevin McCarthy: Okay, we can throw in advocating lower taxes without demanding reduced spending, laissez faire regulations that favor corporations, health care and wages that again favor big business at the expense of ordinary workers.

Mitch McConnell: Let’s not forget big business trickle down economic policies that also favor large employers and leave middle America behind.

Dawn McGill: Ahh…gotcha.

[Yeah she’s not impressed with them either.]

Dawn McGill: Guys, that’s a really bad deal.

Kevin McCarthy: Ooooh…we’ve got a negotiator here.

Dawn McGill: Um no. I’m not negotiating.

[But yet, the negotiating begins.]

Mitch McConnell: Okay…and I can’t believe I’m saying this…Miss McGill, we’ll even throw in a half assed promise to root out deep state bureaucrats and keep out activist judges who undermine legislate from the bench and thwart the will of the people…

Kevin McCarthy: …while maintaining the status quo for the Washington D.C. beltway elites to continue to prosper while middle America withers on the vine like they have for the past 25 years.

Dawn McGill: Really?

[Dawn’s eyebrows raise.]

Kevin McCarthy: That’s our final offer.

[Dawn’s cell phone rings.]

Dawn McGill: Um, no. If you’ll excuse me.

[She answers her phone.]

Dawn McGill: Hello?

[Dawn becomes alarmed.]

Dawn McGill: WHAT? (pause) I’ll be right there.

(She ends the call.)

Dawn McGill: Sorry guys…duty calls.

[Dawn sprints out of the office and slams the door behind her.]

Kevin McCarthy: Ah, the old pretend an emergency has come up and shut the door in our face trick!

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PCW ON THE ROAD April 12th – Buccaneer Arena / Urbandale, IA April 13th – McLeod Center / Cedar Rapids, IA April 14th – McElroy Auditorium / Waterloo, IA April 19th – Owensboro Sportscenter / Owensburo, KY April 20th – SIU Arena / Carbondale, IL April 21st – Gibson Arena / Rolla, MO April 27th – Berry Events Center / Marquette, MI May 3rd – BMO Harris Bank Center / Rockford, IL May 4th – Joseph J. Gentile Center / Chicago, IL May 5th – Grossinger Motors Arena / Bloomington, IL

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Johnny Suave: Kimber Marshall is in the ring and we are ready to go.

MATCH #1/PCW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: Yosemite Samantha © vs. ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot Kimber is indeed in the ring.

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Loose Cannons Unleashed!

Kimber pauses for the crowd’s enthusiastic response.

Kimber Marshall: Our first match is a one fall..

Crowd: ONE fall!

Kimber Marshall: And it is for the PCW Women’s title! Introducing first…

*“Queen of My Double-Wide Trailer”- Sammy Kershaw*

‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot HT: 5′ 10″ WT: 118 / HOME: Magnolia, AR FIN: White Trash Compactor VALETS: The White Trash Posse (Shayne and Jaxson)

The White Trash Posse Jaxson and Shayne escort Lani Harlot down to the ring.

Colleen Crowder: Yeah, that’s really impressive.

Kimber Marshall: And her opponent…she is the Missouri Valley Wrestling Women’s Champion!

*“Moth Into the Flame”- Metallica*

Yosemite Samantha, sporting a big ten gallon cowboy hat and a holster complete with gun, walks out onto the stage and gives the audience the ol’ stinkeye

Yosemite Samantha “The roughest, toughest, rootinest, shootinest cowgirl who ever crossed the Rio Grande” HT: 5’1″ WT: 105 / HOME: Dodge City, KS FIN: Shotgun Knee/Cannonball Combo VALET: Andrea, Melissa, and Charissa Hanson aka…The Hanson Sisters

The Hanson Sisters, again resplendent in their throwback Charlestown Chiefs hockey sweaters and hockey sticks, join her on stage.

Yosemite Samantha holds up the PCW Women’s belt as she walks down the aisle.

Colleen Crowder: And her. Don’t get me started on her. Thank God Sheline Carrigan prevented Yosemite Samantha from getting a Women’s Champion of the Political Universe title shot. That would have been unacceptable.

She leaps onto the ring apron and takes aim at her opponent.

Johnny Suave: Unacceptable to the Establishment…yes.

Samantha removes her cowboy hat and gun holster and leaves them in the corner.

Colleen Crowder: Unacceptable to any decent human being-

Johnny Suave: THEY’RE NOT GOING TO WAIT FOR THE BELL!

Yosemite Samantha shoots across the ring and lands a haymaker. Both women now unload heavy right hands.

Referee Corrina Romanov hurriedly calls for the bell.

*DING-DING*

1st MINUTE Both women continues to throw right hands at each other. Harlot lurches forward. Samantha grabs her by the arms and flings her through the ropes to the floor. Shayne and Jaxson jump up to the apron and shout at the referee. Yosemite Samantha hops up to the top turnbuckle and flies, landing on Harlot on the floor with an elbow drop.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

2nd MINUTE Harlot curls into a ball. Samantha lays the boots to her. Shayne and Jaxson hop back down and confront the Women’s Champion. Yosemite Samantha wisely backs up and climbs back into the ring. After a few more seconds, Harlot also gets back into the ring. Yosemite Samantha and Harlot meet in the middle of the ring and lock up. Brief test of strength leads to Harlot shoving Yosemite Samantha back into her corner.]

Johnny Suave: Yosemite Samantha won’t be able to intimidate the Queen of the Trailer Park with strength. She’s going to have to scrap and claw and get Harlot off her game.

Colleen Crowder: This looks like a typical bar brawl between two women at one of those honky tonk dive bars.

3rd MINUTE Yosemite Samantha and Harlot lock up again. Harlot rakes the eyes and then lays in the chops. She moves behind Yosemite Samantha, grabs her by the boobs, and belly to back suplexes her.

Johnny Suave: JOE BIDEN-PLEX!

Of course, this offends Crowder.

Colleen Crowder: That’s not funny! Joe is affectionate. There’s a big difference.

Harlot lays in the boots…but Yosemite Samantha catches her boot after two stomps and flips Harlot on her back. The champion drops an elbow on the leg and then pulls Harlot back up. Two knees to the midsection causes Harlot to buckle but Yosemite Samantha doesn’t let go. Then a short lariat takes the Trailer Park Queen to the mat. Yosemite Samantha hits a fist drop to the midsection. Harlot rolls over and tries to get back on her feet but Yosemite Samantha cuts her right back down with a shoot kick that sends her through the ropes. Shayne and Jaxson grab Harlot and take her to the floor to catch her breath.

Johnny Suave: Harlot taking a time out. Yosemite Samantha looks calm and poised right now.

Colleen Crowder: I’m still mad at you over the Joe Biden joke.

Johnny Suave: Good.

4th MINUTE Harlot shakes her head and talks with Jaxson. Then she climbs back up on the apron and goes through the ropes. Again Yosemite Samantha advances…again Harlot rakes the eyes. Lou Thesz press by the Trailer Park Queen takes down Yosemite Samantha and Harlot rains down punches. Yosemite Samantha tries to defend…then she uses her guile to push Harlot off of her with her arms. Harlot kicks out and connects on Yosemite Samantha’s thighs. She sweeps out the legs and the Canadian is on the mat.

5th MINUTE Elbow drop by Harlot. Second elbow drop by Harlot. Leg drop across the throat. Harlot mounts Yosemite Samantha, grabs her throat with both hands and blatantly chokes her.

Johnny Suave: SHE’S CHOKING HER REF!

Referee Corrina Romanov immediately starts the count…1…2…3…4… Harlot releases Yosemite Samantha and snarls something at the ref. Yosemite Samantha pulls herself up. Harlot rushes forward and clotheslines her up and over the top rope.

Johnny Suave: Harlot sends her out and this is NOT the place to be.

Yosemite Samantha lands a few feet away from the White Trash Posse. Harlot tries to get at her but the referee blocks her exit.

6th MINUTE That allows Shayne and Jaxson to sneak up on Yosemite Samantha and land a couple cheap shots. Shayne puts her in a chokehold. Yosemite Samantha tries to get loose…she breaks out of the hold and whips Shayne into the barricade. Shayne swings…she ducks and drives a right hand into his gut doubling him over. Knee lift sends Shayne to the floor. Jaxson grabs Yosemite Samantha from behind. She flips him over her head and he lands in a splat on his back.

Colleen Crowder: Why hasn’t the referee counted anyone out yet? If this were a Blue Brand match, someone would have been counted out by now.

Johnny Suave: I believe Corrina’s going to give them a little latitude.

Suave sends it to a commercial break.

=======================

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

Announcer Guy: “And now, a public service announcement from Jill Berg.”

(The opening notes of Whitney Houston’s version of ‘The Greatest Love of All’ starts to play)

“I believe the children are our future Teach them well and let them lead the way Show them all the beauty they possess inside Give them a sense of pride to make it easier…”

Jill Berg, CEO of Jill Berg Enterprises, appears with two children flanking her.

Jill Berg: Hi. I’m Jill Berg and I believe the children are our future. Communities all over the country are recognizing that healthy childhood experiences are not just good for children, but good for their communities as well. It’s simple really. The actions we take, like parent-child interaction, reading and constructive play, or coming to work for me and ditching the golf pro wannabe who thinks he can wrestle, can go a long way to promote healthy child development.

“Everybody searching for a hero People need someone to look up to I never found anyone to fulfill my needs A lonely place to be So I learned to depend on me…”

The scene shifts to Jill sitting on a couch with children playing in front of her. She leans forward with her chin resting on her hand.

Jill Berg: Unfortunately, children are sometimes exposed to intensive stress. Too much stress is bad for anyone but it can be devastating to child development.

Child: BANZAI!

Behind Jill, one boy leaps across the couch and tackles another boy. Jill leans back and fake laughs.

Jill Berg: At a time when we all care about the economy and its effect on the family, it just makes sense to spend more time learning how stable, nurturing relationships influence a child’s developing brain and provide a foundation for all future development.

Another boy stands on the arm of the couch, preparing to jump.

Child: “TO THE EXTREME!”

He leaps and lands a flying elbow on Jill’s head.

Jill Berg: OW! SON OF A BIT-

*AWKWARD QUICK CUT*

Jill, now looking irritated, rubs the bump on the side of her face.

Jill Berg: Take the time to play with your child. And you and your child will be the better for it. I, Jill Berg, will do my part as well because I’m not just wrestling for me- I’m wrestling for the children!

All the Children: JILLLLL-BERG!….JILLLLLL-BERG!….JILLLLLL-BERG!

==========================

12th MINUTE Harlot takes the Canadian and drives her head into the corner turnbuckle. She does it a second time. Then a third. Harlot whips Yosemite Samantha across the ring to the opposite corner. She takes off running towards her. Yosemite Samantha gets the boot up and Harlot hits it head on. She spins herself into the mat. Yosemite Samantha climbs up to the top turnbuckle…but Shayne and Jaxson distract her.

Johnny Suave: She needs to watch out…WATCH OUT!

Jaxson sneaks in from the other side and pushes Yosemite Samantha off the top rope. She lands on the mat and rolls. Shayne and Jaxson drag Harlot out of the ring to give her a rest.

Johnny Suave: That could have been the end. The White Trash Posse are keeping Harlot in this match.

Colleen Crowder: Is this over yet?

13th MINUTE Again, Harlot and the Posse confer. Then she takes a deep breath and climbs back into the ring. Yosemite Samantha is up as well. Both women circle each other slowly. Lockup. Yosemite Samantha drives Harlot into a neutral corner. *SLAP* Big open handed right hand to Harlot’s chest. *SLAP* Make that two. Harlot tries to duck out but Yosemite Samantha pushes her right back and *SLAP* three times. Harlot clutches her chest. Then she pulls out a mini-spray container and sprays it in Yosemite Samantha’s eyes.

Johnny Suave: WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?

14th MINUTE Yosemite Samantha’s hands clutch her eyes and she rolls on the mat. Harlot calmly rolls the can of mace out of the ring.

Johnny Suave: THAT WAS MACE!

Colleen Crowder: What the hell? This is garbage wrestling.

Johnny Suave: AND NOW IT’S THE WOMEN’S CHAMPION WHO’S IN BIG TROUBLE!

Harlot lands a couple of clubbing shots to the head as Yosemite Samantha desperately tries to clear her vision. The Trailer Park Queen rolls her over and then she stands on Yosemite Samantha’s back. Then she jumps up and down landing on her back. The referee is back over and wondering what’s happened. Again, she pulls Yosemite Samantha up, gropes her, and belly to back suplexes her.

Johnny Suave: ANOTHER JOE BIDEN-PLEX!

Colleen Crowder: STOP SAYING THAT! HE’S JUST WARM..AND FRIENDLY…AND LOVING…

Johnny Suave: And creepy gropey.

15th MINUTE Harlot sits down and pulls Yosemite Samantha to her. She bends both of Yosemite Samantha’s legs and reaches forward and pulls the champion’s torso up towards her. Harlot then locks her hands under Yosemite Samantha’s arms and over her chin and pulls even harder back.]

Johnny Suave: WHITE TRASH COMPACTOR WHITE TRASH COMPACTOR!

Harlot shouts at the referee to ‘ask her.’ Yosemite Samantha vigorously shakes her head no. Her eyes blink rapidly, trying to clear her sight but she can see enough to reach out for the ropes. She’s not far away at all. Harlot holds on for dear life. Yosemite Samantha strains to reach the ropes. She uses her strength to push down on the mat with her arms and pull closer to the ropes.

16th MINUTE She reaches out again…oh so close. Harlot again demands the referee to ‘ask her.’ Again, Yosemite Samantha says no and continues to reach out. She just about has it…Shayne runs over and pulls the rope away from her hand.

Johnny Suave: She almost had it. Wait. The referee has called for the break!

Referee Corrina Romanov points at Shayne and tells Harlot to break the hold. Harlot refuses. Keels counts…1…2…3…4…finally. Yosemite Samantha’s face flops forward to the mat. Harlot leaps up and gets in Romanov’s face.

Johnny Suave: Harlot’s hot but the referee made the right call. Yosemite Samantha grabs that rope if Shayne doesn’t pull it away from her.

17th MINUTE Harlot puts her finger in Keels’ chest and expressing her displeasure with the decision. Yosemite Samantha shakes out the cobwebs and pulls herself up. Harlot pushes Keels into the corner. Yosemite Samantha zeros in from behind…grabs and hooks both of Harlot’s arms under her armpits…and lifts her into the air. Again the crowd explodes.

Johnny Suave: Oh, oh! Harlot’s in a bad place.

Yosemite Samantha than slams Harlot down face first to the mat.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! ELEVATED DOUBLE CHICKENWING FACEBUSTER!

CLOSE UP OUTSIDE THE RING- The White Trash Posse all look shocked at the turn of events.

Johnny Suave: THEY CAN’T BELIEVE IT! THE CROWD CAN’T BELIEVE IT.

18th MINUTE Back in the ring, Harlot tries to pull herself up. Yosemite Samantha walks over and yanks her off the mat. She whips Harlot forward into the turnbuckle. Harlot slumps to a seated position. Yosemite Samantha takes off and Cannonballs into Harlot.

Johnny Suave: CANNONBALL!

Harlot sprawls out on the mat. The crowd rises again. Yosemite Samantha pulls her out to the middle of the ring and covers…1…2…3.

*DING-DING-DING*

Johnny Suave: THAT’S IT! YOSEMITE SAMANTHA WINS!

WINNER AND STILL PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: Yosemite Samantha at 17:32 (11:00 on television)

Johnny Suave: Yosemite Samantha survives a stiff challenge from the ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot. She had to dig deep against the challenger who wanted very badly to become the PCW Women’s champion tonight.

Colleen Crowder: ‘Canadian Cyborg’ Sheline Carrigan would mop up the floor with both of them. And she’s a better representation for women all over the country.

Johnny Suave: Well, if it weren’t for some shenanigans over at the Blue Brand show, Yosemite Samantha would be the one facing Christa Carmondy tonight.

Colleen Crowder: That’s not the narrative we’re pushing.

Johnny Suave: And that’s why no one takes you or the media seriously any more.

Crowder starts to go ballistic.

Cut to: Yosemite Samantha holds up the PCW Women’s title belt in the middle of the ring flanked by the three Hanson Sisters.

Suave reviews four other matches that took place at Loose Cannons Unleashed.

#1 Contender Red Brand Tag Team Title Match Weapons of Mass Destruction: A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb defeated The Religious Right: Rev. Buddy Flambe and Rev. Oral Hinnrich-

A-Bomb lifts Rev. Flambe and slams him to the mat. A-Bomb sticks his foot on Rev. Flambe’s chest. One…Two…Three.

Johnny Suave: Former PCW Tag Team champions A. Tom Bomb and Hy Drogen Bomb set themselves up for a Red Brand Tag Team title shot with their win over the Religious Right.

#1 Contender Blue Brand Tag Team Title Match The F’n Kennedys: Ray F. Kennedy and Jay F. Kennedy defeated The Young Jerks: Zenk Cryger and James Idahola

JFK scrambles to hook the leg to pin Idahola.

Johnny Suave: On the Blue Brand side, The F’n Kennedys became the new number one contenders for the Blue Brand Tag Team belts with their win over The Young Jerks.

Blue Brand Title Match Ultimate Social Justice Warrior defeated ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels ©

The USJW lifts Daniels up…and he slams him to the mat. USJW rolls him up for the pinfall.

Johnny Suave: In a match wrestled under the rules of the California Ninth Circuit of Appeals, the Ultimate Social Justice Warrior outlasted ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels in a marathon match that saw Daniels pin the USJW several times only for the referee’s ruling to be overturned.

Colleen Crowder: As they should of. The ‘right’ person won the match in the end.

Red Brand Title Match Kirk Walstreit of Jill Berg Enterprises © defeated Magnum P.O.’d

Walstreit climbs up the corner turnbuckle where Magnum P.O.’d sits. He takes him by the head and jumps down…STOCK MARKET PLUNGE! Walstreit covers. One…Two…Three.

Johnny Suave: And the Red Brand Champion Kirk Walstreit defeated Magnum P.O.’d to retain the Red Brand Title.

Suave transitions to tonight’s main event. He sends it back to Kimber Marshall in the ring.

MAIN EVENT/PCW TITLE MATCH: ‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism vs. ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen. This next match is a one fall…

Crowd: ONE fall.

Kimber Marshall: …and it is for the PCW Title! First introducing the challenger…

*“Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue”- Toby Keith*

‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott – former 2 time PCW Champion, PCW Television Champion, and PCW Tag Team Champion (as Starz N. Stripes). PCW’s Original ‘Rookie Sensation.’ HT: 6′ 3″ WT: 250, HOME: Ottumwa, IA FIN: American Stars and Fujiawa Arm Bar

Kevin Scott walks out in his red, white, and blue tights.

Kimber Marshall: And his opponent…he is the PCW Champion!

*‘No Smoke Without a Fire’ – Bad Company*

‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism –3 time PCW Champion and 2 time PCW Television Champion HT: 6′ 2″ WT: 225 / HOME: Hollywood, CA FIN: Anti-Hollywood Blockbuster

Chism walks down to the ring holding up the PCW Title belt.

Fans are divided between both men before the bell.

Johnny Suave: Both of these men have been in this situation before. Can Kevin Scott become a three time PCW champion? Will Stone Chism continue his title reign?

Colleen Crowder: No one cares Johnny. These two are playing in the minor leagues compared to the Blue Brand…and yes, even the Red Brand.

Johnny Suave: Well, these people care.

The camera pans through the predominantly PCW section.

Crowd: PCW!…PCW!…PCW!

Crowder is her usual ‘not impressed’ and complains about the ‘jingoistic’ PCW chants.

The camera also pans through the Les Miserables section which is once again conveniently located next to Conservative Inc.

In the Les Miserables section: Champion of the Political Universe ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay, ‘Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan plus: -General DeBauchery, a weird mash up of the AWA’s Colonel DeBeers and Lt. Aldo from Inglorious Basterds, sporting an authentic captain’s hat right out of World War II, grinning obnoxiously and smoking a cigar while collecting every beer and liquor label he can get his hands on. -Al Cahall, who does curls with a six pack of beer to tone his six pack abs. -Nic Koteen, smoking a cigarette and blatantly violating several city anti-smoking ordinances.

Also there, Dark and Stormy, legends of the West Texas Adult Entertainment industry, also wave wearing their standard official PCW Ray McAvay “Show Up. Punch In. Shut Up. Get to Work” baseball jerseys.

In the Conservative Inc. section aka the American Patriots/Never Trumpers/country club set: Bill Kristol. Charlie Sykes. Jonah Goldberg. David French. Tom Nichols. David Reaboi. Jennifer Rubin. David Brooks. Mitt Romney (UT-American Patriots), Rick Wilson, and S.E. Cupp.

*DING-DING*

1st MINUTE The noise ramps up as Scott and Chism slowly circle. Slow approach and tie up. Chism goes waistlock early. He brings Scott down. Holds on as Scott rolls. Scott breaks free and backs off, and we start over again. Scott headlocks. Chism escapes out. Chism steps over to a hammerlock. He gets Scott’s other arm and makes it a cover. One…Scott gets the shoulder up but Chism holds onto the hammerlock. Scott sits up and reverse into a hammerlock of his own. Shifts to a headlock, but Chism slides out.

Johnny Suave: We’ll be back with the rest of this match right after this.

========================

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

Brought to you by the Progressive Alliance:

[PCW Owner Dawn McGill watches the action on a monitor in her office.]

*KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK*

[She lifts her gaze towards the door.]

Dawn McGill: Enter.

[It’s Progressive Alliance Leaders Nancy Pelosi from California and Chuck Schumer from New York.]

Dawn McGill: Nancy. Chuck.

[Pelosi and Schumer approach her desk.]

Dawn McGill: What can I do for you?

Nancy Pelosi: Dawn, we’re here to offer you a golden opportunity.

[Dawn looks at her apprehensively.]

Dawn McGill: Golden opportunity?

Chuck Schumer: Yes. It’s time for the PCW to come home…to the Blue Brand.

[Dawn sits back in her chair.]

Dawn McGill: Come home to the Blue Brand.

Nancy Pelosi: That’s right. The Progressive Alliance is all about the little guy and the Blue Brand is the perfect place for them to be.

Dawn McGill: Really, now?

Chuck Schumer: Now, of course, your wrestlers will have to start all the way at the bottom.

Dawn McGill: At the bottom.

Nancy Pelosi: Well, we do have some wrestlers who are bankrolled by some of our big money supporters so they would obviously have to be pushed ahead of a newcomer.

Chuck Schumer: Plus, there’s the whole seniority thing that has to be taken into consideration.

Dawn McGill: That sounds intriguing…but I think I’m going to pass.

Nancy Pelosi: I see, you want us to sweeten the deal.

[Pelosi makes a hand gesture that denotes ‘sweetening the deal.’ McGill’s not sure what she’s doing. Even Schumer wonders what the hell she’s doing.]

Nancy Pelosi: Okay, we can throw in higher taxes, excessive regulations, artificial solutions to health care and wage stagnation-

Dawn McGill: Artificial solutions?

Chuck Schumer: Big government trickle down, economic mandates versus doing the hard work to formulate concrete long term solutions and promoting policies that create organic growth.

Dawn McGill: Ahh…gotcha.

[She’s not impressed.]

Dawn McGill: Guys, that’s a bad deal.

Nancy Pelosi: Ooooh…we’ve got a haggler here.

Chuck Schumer: Yes we do.

Dawn McGill: Um no. I’m not haggling.

[But yet, the haggling begins.]

Chuck Schumer: Okay…and I can’t believe I’m saying this…Miss McGill, we’ll even throw in political correctness…

Nancy Pelosi: …deep state bureaucrats and activist judges undermining the will of the people…

Chuck Schumer: …and maintaining the status quo for the Washington D.C. beltway elites to continue to prosper while middle America withers on the vine like they have for the past 25 years.

Dawn McGill: Really?

Nancy Pelosi: And last but not least…

[Former PCW CEO Barack Obama enters.]

Barack Obama: I’ll be the first one to welcome all of the bitter clingers to the Blue Brand!

[Dawn’s eyebrows raise.]

Nancy Pelosi: That’s our final offer.

[Dawn gets up from her chair.]

Dawn McGill: Um, no. If you’ll excuse me.

[She sprints for the door.]

Chuck Schumer: Oh…it’s the run out of the office and…

[Dawn slams the door behind her.]

Chuck Schumer: …shut the door in our face trick!

========================

MATCH CONTINUED

8th MINUTE …Chism has Scott in the headlock. Scott powers out and goes up and over to get the headlock takeover on Chism. Chism tries to fight out of the hold but Scott holds on. Chism gets back to his feet. Chism flings Scott into the ropes, Scott hits a shoulder block. Again to the ropes, things speed up. Chism hurdles Scott. Standing switches back and forth. Scott shoves Chism back. Chism dodges a knee lift. Chism rolls Scott into a small package. One…Scott slips out the back door.

9th MINUTE Scott misses the boot and ducks a mule kick.

Chism arm-drag takedowns Scott. Scott arm-drags but Chism arm-drags him again. Fans duel back and forth as Scott gets back up. Chism wrenches his arm. Scott whips him into the ropes. Chism with the shoulder block. Again to the ropes, Chism sees Scott’s duck coming. Headlock by Chism! Scott scrambles and gets a ropebreak! Chism lets go and backs off.

Pause for applause.

Johnny Suave: Wow! This is NOT garbage wrestling as you termed earlier tonight.

Colleen Crowder: It’s entertaining. I’ll give them that.

10th MINUTE Forearm from Scott and then he walks into Chism’s forearm. Both men throw forearms back and forth. Scott gets the edge and maneuvers Chism into a corner. Scott wrenches and whips Chism corner to corner. Chism reverses and whips Scott into the corner. Headscissors by Chism. Dropkick to Scott. Chism rolling, he clotheslines Scott up and over the top rope. Chism up on the top turnbuckle. Scott backs away. Chism goes missile dropkick from the apron and sends Scott reeling to the barricade!

Crowd: PCW!…PCW!…PCW!

…

12th MINUTE Scott finally climbs back into the ring. Chism walks right into an enziguri! Chism gets to a corner and Scott follows. Scott drives forearms into Chism. Then he lays in the chops! *SMACK*

Crowd: WOOOOOO!

*SMACK*

Crowd: WOOOOOO!

Scott does an exaggerated wind up and does it one more time.

*SMACK*

Crowd: WOOOOOO!

Scott decks Chism with another forearm. He drives in knees and Chism grabs the bottom rope. Scott chases after Chism. Knee lift into a chinlock.

13th MINUTE Chism fights out and again the fans rally to both sides. Scott puts more torque on the hold. Chism suddenly fights back. Chism with forearms. He runs the ropes and smacks into Scott’s back elbow! Scott for a cover…One…Tw- Chism kicks out. Scott drives in elbows. Then he wraps on the sleeper hold!

Johnny Suave: Scott’s going for the Sleeper Hold!

Colleen Crowder: Good, because I’m just about asleep watching this match.

Chism tries to fights out. Scott holds on for dear life. Chism tries to power up and manages to break free. Scott takes a headlock. Chism powers out again. Things speed up, Both men to the ropes. Double crossbodies. Both men wiped out!

Again, the crowd stands.

Crowd: PCW!…PCW!…PCW!

14th MINUTE Scott and Chism slowly get back to their feet. Forearms start flying back and forth. Chism gets the edge. Scott whipped into the ropes…overhead belly to belly suplex. Chism for the win…One…Two…Scott reverses…One…Two…Chism kicks out. Scott bails and takes a time out. Chism impatiently slingshots out as Scott gets back in. Slingshot spear by Chism Cover…One…Two…Scott kicks out. Scott gets to the ropes. Chism with a chop. Chism pulls him up and whips. Scott reverses. Chism hits a dropkick.

15th MINUTE Chism fakes the superkick. He tries for a Hollywood Blockbuster but doesn’t hit it cleanly. Chism for the cover…One…Two…Scott gets the shoulder up. Chism drags Scott to his feet. Chism hits a suplex. Scott uses the knees to escape. Scott hits a suplex of his own. He covers. Chism slips out the back door. Chism tries to slap on the full nelson. Scott slips away. Scott with a waistlock. Chism fights back with elbows. Scott pushes Chism to a corner. Backstabber! Cover…One…Two…NO! Chism kicks out at the last second. Chism slowly gets back to his feet. Scott is on Chism so Scott clubs away at him.

16th MINUTE Scott for a suplex. Chism counters into a cradle…One…Two. Now Scott rolls him up…One…Two…NO! Now Chism…One…Two…Scott rolls through and covers again…One…Two…NO! Both men stand and nod at each other. The crowd again rises to their feet.

Johnny Suave: Dawn McGill promises there would be houses torn down tonight during the PCW matches and Chism and Scott are doing exactly that.

Colleen Crowder: Yeah…but-

Johnny Suave: And no, garbage wrestling as you call it.

Colleen Crowder: Yeah…but-

Johnny Suave: And they’ve pretty much stolen the crowd.

Crowder goes speechless.

Scott takes a fireman’s carry but Chism slips through. He fires an elbow back.

17th MINUTE Scott goes for a suplex. Chism blocks with his knees and goes for his own suplex. Scott slips out on the other side and ends up in a corner. Suddenly, he rushes forward and school boys Chism. Cover…One…Two…Chism kicks out again. Chism up and whips his leg around. Scott ducks the kick. Chism slides under and hits an enziguri! Chism brings down the knee pad and goes to drop the knee. Scott rolls him up! One…Two…Chism rolls Scott…One…Two…Scott kicks out.

18th MINUTE Both men stare at each other. Scott kicks at Chism’s knee. Then he tries a buzzsaw kick. Chism ducks it and slams Scott into the corner turnbuckle. Scott runs forward for a sunset flip. Chism rolls through and pulls Scott up. Lift…HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER! Cover. One…Two…THREE!

The referee calls for the bell.

*DING-DING-DING*

Johnny Suave: STONE CHISM HOLDS ON AND RETAINS THE PCW TITLE!

WINNER AND STILL PCW TITLE: ‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism @ 17:26 (9:26 on television)

Suave runs down next week’s lineup:

PCW Tag Team Title Match The Island of Misfit Wrestler: Rah and Halitosis © vs. The Sports Entertainment Coalition: ‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller and ‘Dangerous’ Dan Williams

MAIN EVENT: Champion of the Political Universe Title Match ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay © (Les Miserables/Independent) vs. Charlie Blackwell (American Patriots/Main Street USA)

Johnny Suave: We’ll see you next week.

[‘Trumpet Concerto No. 2 in D major – 3 Allegro assai’ begins to play in the background and P-SPAN quickly cuts away to another political event.]

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pcwpolwrestling · 5 years

Text

The Gimmick Infringement Is Bad Edition of PCW Extreme Political TV

THIS WEEK ON EXTREME POLITICAL TV -The fur flies when PCW Owner Dawn McGill bans MSNBC, CNN, Washington Post, New York Times, and the networks for not being in a position to cover PCW in a fair and neutral manner. -Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY-Progressive Alliance) stands outside an entrance to the Hartman Arena and puts people’s names down on her ‘list.’ -Jerrold Nadler (NY-Progressive Alliance) sends an intern to oversee PCW. -‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson of the SEC vs. Millennial Mark –PCW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH: SNAFU w/Coach P.J. Flack vs. Jack Fraiser -PCW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: Yosemite Samantha vs. ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot

================================

[ON SCREEN GRAPHIC: Blue background. The top of the Capitol Building occupies the left hand side of the television screen.

Centered in the middle of the screen: “P-SPAN. THE POLITICAL CHANNEL.”]

P-SPAN Announcer (off screen): The P-SPAN Network bring you long-form public affairs programming from the nation’s capital and are a public service of…

[ON SCREEN GRAPHIC: Logos of twenty three different cable and satellite television companies replace the Capitol Building and P-SPAN graphic.]

P-SPAN Announcer (v/o): …your television provider.

P-SPAN Announcer (v/o): P-SPAN. The Political Channel.

===============================

OUTSIDE THE ARENA Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY-Progressive Alliance) stands outside one of the entrances into the Hartman Arena with a clipboard and pen. She asks people as they enter the arena if they support her. When they say yes, she smiles and thanks them.

When they say no? She writes their name down on the ‘list.’

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Hi, I’m Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. I’m sure you know who I am.

A fresh faced young man, probably just out of college, dressed in a nice suit smiles as he approaches her.

Some Guy: I certainly do!

He shakes her hand.

Some Guy: I’m Nicholas Tarkowski. Mr. Nadler’s office sent me here to oversight the PCW show. Who should I talk to?

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Her name is Dawn McGill. She’s inside.

Ocasio-Cortez points to inside the arena.

Nicholas Tarkowski: Okay. Great!

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Just watch it. She’s kind of mean. She keeps all the money for herself and won’t give anyone free groceries.

Nicholas Tarkowski: Oh. Okay!

Tarkowski goes inside. A woman comes out to Ocasio-Cortez next.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Hi, I’m Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. I’m sure you know who I am.

Random Woman: Who?

Nervous laughter.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: You know who I am. Everyone know who I am now. Right?

Random woman shrugs. Ocasio-Cortez tries to project a smile.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Do you support me and my views?

The woman puts on a bright red ‘Make American Great Again’ baseball cap. Then she opens up her jacket and reveals a Sarah Palin t-shirt underneath.

Random Woman: Um…probably not.

Ocasio-Cortez’s smiles turns to a stern glare. She scribbles down something on her clipboard.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Well. You just made the list!

Random Woman: Oh. Okay.

Random woman shrugs again and leaves.

==============================

PCW Extreme Political TV on P-SPAN Sunday March 10th, 2019 Hartman Arena Park City, Kansas

Announcer: ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave ‘Low Level Reporter at the New York Times Trying to Make a Name for Herself’ Colleen Crowder

==============================

The camera pans all over the Hartman Arena as PCW is on the air!

Fireworks go off. Spotlights move back and forth through the crowd.

Cut to ringside where ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave stands at the broadcast table next to Colleen Crowder.

Johnny Suave: Hello everyone! This is Political Championship Wrestling!

Crowd: PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…

Johnny Suave: I am Johnny Suave. She is ‘Low Level Reporter at the New York Times Trying to Make a Name for Herself’ Colleen Crowder. Tonight we are broadcasting tonight from the Hartman Arena in Park City, Kansas with an exciting evening of political wrestling!

Colleen Crowder: It’s good to see Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez outside making people think.

Johnny Suave: I’m not sure accosting people coming to the show to forget about real life for a couple hours makes people think. It might make people think that you’re annoying and over the top.

Colleen Crowder: If you keep that up, you’ll be on the list soon enough.

Johnny Suave: I already am.

Suave reminds everyone that Loose Cannons Unleashed is just three weeks away and the PCW title scene has been turned completely upside down. Why?

-‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott became the number one contender for the PCW title after defeating Jack Fraiser via DQ last week when Professor McCarthy’s Flock attacked him during the match. But debuting on the show last week was a new tag team Weapons of Mass Destruction II (Frank Bomb and Newt Tron Bomb with Ensen DeAirey-Bomb) and they made the save for Scott…

VIDEO: End of Kevin Scott-Jack Fraiser Match

…Newt Tron Bomb then climbs onto the apron and up on the turnbuckle. He turns and faces the crowd. Then he crouches and points his butt towards Professor McCarthy, AOC, PeaceNick, and Peta.

Colleen Crowder: What is he doing?

People in the front rows frantically put gas masks over their faces.

Frank Bomb and Ensen DeAirey-Bomb put on gas masks.

Colleen Crowder: Okay, why is everyone putting gas masks on?

Johnny Suave: Think Halitosis’s breath with a larger blast radius.

Colleen Crowder: Huh? What?

Too late. Suddenly, Professor McCarthy clutches his throat and tries to cover his nose.

Colleen Crowder: That was gross and a complete rip-off. If anything, the referee should have thrown the match completely out and let someone else be the number one contender.

Johnny Suave: That’s not how it’s done. As I was saying, Scott is your new number one contender for the PCW title. The SEC roared back to life with ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson leading the way and he’s gunning for the PCW belt. But the big surprise of the night…

VIDEO: The Big Return of the Night

…Suave is shocked at who he sees.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! HE’S BACK!

William Daniels Bryan– ‘The Prairie Populist’ -3 time PCW Champion. Former PCW Television Champion HT: 5’10″ WT: 180, HOME: Platte, Nebraska FIN: Cattle Mutilation/Crane Kick

On the stage, Bryan looks tanned and rested.

Johnny Suave: That’s former THREE-TIME PCW Champion William Daniels Bryan thank you very much who’s been out since mid-October of 2018. That’s when the Antifa broke his leg at a house show in Rolla, Missouri to put him out of commission.

Colleen Crowder: Oh great…the Prairie Populist is back. Hopefully he’s at least learned his lesson and won’t go around pissing off Professor McCarthy and his Flock any more.

Johnny Suave: Also last week, Jerrold Nogler…

Colleen Crowder: Nadler.

Johnny Suave: …Nobler…

Colleen Crowder: It’s Nadler. Jerrold Nadler, Johnny.

Johnny Suave: Whatever.

-Jerrold Nadler (NY-Progressive Alliance) stopped in to warn PCW Owner Dawn McGill that his oversight committee will hold her and PCW accountable if they don’t allow families to attend shows even if they don’t have tickets. How does McGill respond?

VIDEO: Last week’s Extreme Political TV

McGill drives her spiked heels into Nadler’s…er…nads. He bends over to a ninety degree angle.

…

Dawn takes a side headlock and DDT’s Nadler to the mat.

Colleen Crowder: Complete overreaction…again…by Dawn McGill and a complete lack of respect towards a respected member of the Executive Committee.

Johnny Suave: The lack of respect goes both ways, Colleen.

Suave moves on…Mitch Thomas-American Taxpayer debuts but loses to Andrew ‘The Bureaucrat’ Riley- who was also debuting.

VIDEO: Mitch Thomas w/Harvey Wilson-American Taxpayers vs. Andrew Riley

…Melissa jumps on the ring apron and gets the referee’s attention. Riley reaches into his trunks and discreetly pulls out a foreign object. He walks over to Thomas and flattens him with the loaded right hand.

Riley tosses the foreign object away and pulls Thomas back up. Melissa jumps down. The referee turns in time to see Riley drop Thomas with the Code Red Tape. Cover…One…Two…THREE.

Colleen Crowder: Again, a good bureaucrat knows how to take care of business. That’s what Andrew Riley did.

Johnny Suave: He cheated.

Colleen Crowder: Whatever gets the job done.

Harvey Wilson snatches the foreign object off the floor and shows it to the referee. The referee is unmoved and raises Riley’s arm in victory. So Wilson wraps his fist around the foreign object and pops Riley in the schnozz.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Riley collapses to the mat. Wilson shrugs and drops the foreign object

Colleen Crowder: Again, a total and complete lack of respect shown towards a hard-working public servant.

Johnny Suave: No different than the total and complete lack of respect shown towards the American Taxpayer.

-‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels stops in to vow he’ll never set foot in PCW again…after tonight…as a result of PCW Champion Stone Chism assaulting him the week before.

-McGill makes a big announcement…

VIDEO: Dawn McGill’s Big Announcement

Dawn McGill: I am pleased to announce to all you…the PCW faithful here in Terre Haute, Indiana…that we are bringing back the PCW Television Title and the PCW Women’s Title.

The crowd applauds.

McGill further explains that the Television and Women’s champions will be determined at next weekend’s shows with the finals to be held Sunday March 10th in Park City, Kansas.

Suave quickly runs down tonight’s show.

-The SEC’s ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson makes his PCW debut tonight.

-The PCW Television Champion will be crowned tonight with SNAFU with Coach E.J. Flack facing Jack Fraiser with his Oootlander Blaire Rendell for the TV belt.

-Main Event for the PCW Women’s Title: Yosemite Samantha versus ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot

Johnny Suave: Oh…and Dawn McGill banned the Washington Post, CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times, and all the networks from covering the show tonight.

Crowder’s go super wide and big.

Colleen Crowder: WHAT!

Johnny Suave: We’ll be back right after these messages.

=======================

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

JETFUEL EXTREME DO IT YOURSELF TAX COMMERCIAL [SCENE: the back yard.

A man holds a garden hose in his right hand and is filling up his above ground pool with water. In his other hand, he holds his cell phone and looks down at it- seemingly confused and perplexed.]

Announcer: This is Tim. He thinks you have to be a mastermind to figure out how to do his own taxes.

[A large brown wooden fence encloses the yard. The right wooden gate opens up and ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido, enters Tim’s back yard. (GRAPHIC: “’No Frills’ Chris Escondido, professional wrestling manager)]

Announcer: So we flew in pro wrestling mastermind ‘No Frill’s’ Chris Escondido to help him.

[Escondido peers over Tim’s shoulder to look at his cell phone.]

Chris Escondido: Dude. What does it say there?

[Close up of Tim’s phone. ‘Did you buy a home?’ Press here.]

Tim: It says…did you buy a home?

Chris Escondido: Did you buy a home?

Tim: Ummm…

[Out of nowhere, ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay runs in and whacks Tim in the back with a Singapore cane.]

Tim: YES! YES! I BOUGHT A HOUSE!

Chris Escondido: Then I’d press there.

Tim: There?

*WHACK*

Tim: AARGGHH! THERE! OKAY, OKAY…I’M PRESSING THE BUTTON!

[Tim, in immense pain and anguish, presses the button. The display turns to a green check mark to indicate that he was successful and a message appears that reads: ‘Congrats, you get a big tax break…and a trip to the emergency room.]

Tim: Huh?

*THWACK*

Tim: AAARGHHHHH!

[Escondido nods down at Tim who’s fallen to his knees in excruciating pain.]

Chris Escondido: Okay then. My work is done here.

[He then turns and walks away.]

[Graphic on screen: ‘It doesn’t take a f@#$ing genius to do your taxes.’ Tim looks down at his phone and winces in pain from the Singapore caneshots.]

Announcer: Jetfuel Extreme Do It Yourself Tax. Taxes done to the extreme.

*THWACK*

Tim’s voice: ARGGHHHH! OKAY! STOP! PLEASE!

=======================

PCW ON THE ROAD March 16th – Jamestown Civic Center / Jamestown, SD March 22nd – Silverstein Eye Centers Arena / Independence, MO March 23rd – Qwest Center Omaha / Omaha, NE March 24th – Sanford Pentagon / Sioux Falls, SD March 30th – Taft Coliseum / Columbus, OH March 31st – Mayo Civic Center / Rochester, MN April 6th – Loose Cannons Unleashed PPV @ the D.C. Armory / Washington, D.C. April 12th – Buccaneer Arena / Urbandale, IA April 13th – McLeod Center / Cedar Rapids, IA April 14th – McElroy Auditorium / Waterloo, IA

========================

DAWN McGILL’S OFFICE The owner of PCW expected Nicholas Tarkowski’s arrival. She didn’t expect him to be a fresh-faced kid just out of college.

Dawn McGill: I’m not sure if I should be surprised or offended.

Nicholas Tarkowski: I was given strict orders by Mr. Nadler to oversee and observe everything that goes on here.

Dawn waves him off.

Dawn McGill: Yeah, yeah. Listen, if you’re going to be backstage then you need to find something to do.

Nicholas Tarkowski: Find something to do. I have something to-

Dawn McGill: Everybody works here. Everyone pitches in.

Tarkowski just stands there, not sure what he’s expected to do. That is, until McGill comes over with a large box containing official PCW Ray McAvay ‘Show Up…Punch In…Shut Up…Get to Work’ baseball jerseys and plops it in his hands.

Dawn McGill: Take this over to Ray McAvay. He’s signing and posing for pictures in the foyer and they’re doing gangbusters business tonight. Just look for the hot tub.

McGill takes off to take care of something else. Tarkowski looks lost.

Cut to Suave and Crowder at the broadcast desk.

WHO’S BANNING WHO? Colleen Crowder (going full indignant): First she bans the Washington Post, CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times, and the networks from covering the show. Then this? What is Dawn McGill trying to hide?

Johnny Suave: Yes. She’s making the poor boy work. Oh the humanity.

Colleen Crowder: That’s not what I mean. You know what I’m talking about.

Suave addresses the fact that the Progressive Alliance/Blue Brand Show have banned Fox News from covering their events because ‘Fox News is not in a position to cover the Progressive Alliance in a fair and neutral manner.’ He says McGill is making a point using the same criteria the Progressive Alliance used towards Fox News to the Washington Post, CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times, and the networks.

Colleen Crowder (Irate): This is unacceptable! This is a chilling affront to the First Amendment! Freedom of speech!

Johnny Suave: But it’s okay to do it to Fox News.

Colleen Crowder: The New Yorker says Fox was colluding with CEO Trump during 2016’s Extreme Election Night.

Johnny Suave: Oh? Just like the time CNN’s Donna Brazile colluded with Hillary Clinton…during Extreme Election Night 2016. Has CNN been banned from the Progressive Alliance/Blue Brand shows and events?

Silence.

Oh…and evil dagger eyes directed at Suave.

MATCH #1 ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson of the SEC vs. Millennial Mark Johnny Suave: Well. We’re about to see the debut of the SEC’s big new signing…in more ways than one…’Redneck’ Bill Dickinson.

Suave sends it to PCW’s ring announcer- Kimber Marshall.

Marshall introduces Millennial Mark- who’s already in the ring with his significant other Snowflake Suzie.

Millennial Mark: HT: 6’-1” WT: 200 / HOME: Beachwood, OH FIN: Parent’s Basement Slam MGR: Snowflake Suzie

He takes a selfie of himself with the PCW crowd behind him in the background. Of course, he doesn’t notice several PCW fans flipping him off as he takes the picture on his cell phone.

Mark rips the microphone away from an annoyed Kimber.

Millennial Mark: You know, I’ve been training for this moment all my life. X-Box has a kick ass WWE wrestling game and I spent countless hours wrestling online. Now, bring on my opponent!

Kimber rips the microphone back.

Kimber Marshall: ANNDDDDD, HIS OPPONENT!

*“White Trash” – Chris Janson*

‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson “The 330 Pound Southern Brawler” AGE: 37 / HT: 6′ 1″ WT: 330 / HOME: Troy, AL FIN: High Crossbody into a Powerbomb

Dickinson walks out with the rest of the new SEC- ‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller, ‘Dangerous’ Dan Williams, ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann, and SEC Spokesman Phil Finebaum.

Phil Finebaum: My faction is better than your faction. The SEC is the best of the best. We only recruit five star talent. That’s why Dickinson, Miller, and Williams were brought in. We only bring in the best of the best. That’s why soon, the SEC will control the two biggest belts in PCW.

Suddenly, Millennial Mark doesn’t look so brave.

Crowder is aghast at the man in the ring.

Colleen Crowder: Who…the hell…is that?

Johnny Suave: That’s right. You were unconscious when Mr. McMann revealed the new SEC last week.

REPLAY: End of Last Week’s Show

…out of nowhere, three men hit the ring and blow up Jack from State Barn Insurance.

Confused, Chism stops in his tracks and looks around.

Johnny Suave: What the hell? Who are those three men?

Suave realizes who they’re wrestling for when Phil Finebaum and then ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann come out.

McMann takes the microphone.

Mr. McMann: Ladies and gentlemen of PCW. The house has been swept. New blood has been brought in. Please welcome the new and improved Sports Entertainment Coalition.

Sports Entertainment Coalition ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson “The 330 Pound Southern Brawler” AGE: 37 / HT: 6′ 1″ WT: 330 / HOME: Troy, AL FIN: High Crossbody into a Powerbomb ‘Dastardly’ Dave Miller AGE: 28 / HT: 6’ 0” WT: 240 / HOME: Columbus, GA FIN: Southern Cross ‘Dangerous’ Dan Williams AGE: 42 / HT: 6’ 2” WT: 252 / HOME: Wemberly, TX FIN: Devil’s Triangle (Triangle Choke)

McMann states Dickinson is gunning for the PCW title. Miller and Williams have their eye on the tag belts.

Colleen Crowder: What the hell is Mr. McMann doing? These people are deplorable!

*DING-DING*

Dickinson slowly walks towards the center of the ring. Millennial Mark sticks on foot in the ropes to stall for time. That time runs out as Dickinson walks right over and pulls him into the ring. Right hand decks Mark. The Millennial rolls out of the ring. Dickinson right behind him. Chop by Dickinson sends Mark into the barricade. Dickinson whips him into the barricade. And again…and again. Mark’s busted open and Snowflake Suzie is shouting at Dickinson to stop. The referee has started his count. Dickinson lifts Mark up and drops him chest first onto the barricade.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Snowflake Suzie charges up to ‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann and shoves what appears to be a script in his face. McMann looks at the script…grabs the script…and rips the script up.

Johnny Suave: I’ll be damned.

Colleen Crowder: What is he doing? He’s going off script.

Note: Why is this a big deal?

VIDEO: PCW Loose Cannons Unleashed 9 – May 4th, 2014

While the PWWF announcers mocked Bryan as he rolled out of the ring, he marched over to their desk and wiped off the expensive monitors and other equipment. Then he threw Boles out of his chair, picked it up… *CLANG* … Boles to the ground. Lollar up… *CLANG* …Lollar to the floor. Triple R reached over the top rope to grab Bryan… *CLANG* …he draped himself over the top rope. *CLANG* Triple R slid down and landed face first on the canvas.

Bryan climbed through the ropes and confronted PMC Banks. Banks tried to beg off… *CLANG* …Bryan wasn’t having any of it. He ejected Triple R out of the ring and then rolled Banks out. Blackwell climbed in and handed Bryan a microphone. But before he can say a word…

Mr. McMann: “What the hell is going on here!”

McMann, followed by his executive producer Devin Done and his cue-card carrying lackey, stormed into the ring with PWWF CEO Barack Obama (D-NV), Harry Reid, (D-IL), Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), Mitch McConnell (R-KY), and John Boehner (R-OH) and confronts ‘Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan.

Mr. McMann: “You’ve gone completely off the script!”

McMann shook the thick script at Bryan.

Mr. McMann: “This is SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT! Everything is timed out to the second and everything said has to be corporately approved by either myself or Devin Done. You’ve ruined the main event that millions of people paid good money to see-”

Mr. McMann winks at Suave…and shrugs.

Dickinson eventually drags Millennial Mark back to the ring. He stands him up in a corner. Steps back…rushes forward and throws himself into the Millennial. Millennial Mark takes two steps forward and collapses. Dickinson then pulls him back up. Lift…powerbomb. Cover…one…two…THREE.

*DING-DING-DING*

WINNER: ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson @ 3:24

Johnny Suave: We-ellll…a dominant win for ’Redneck’ Bill Dickinson over Millennial Mark.

Crowder calls Dickinson’s arrival to PCW ‘horrible’ and ‘deplorable.’ She questions why Mr. McMann has lowered himself by bringing Dickinson’s extreme style to PCW?

Johnny Suave: We’re about to find out.

Mr. McMANN SPEAKS Mr. McMann, flanked by Dickinson, Williams, Miller, and the Mouth of the SEC Phil Finebaum, is interviewed in ring by the Corporate Sports(Entertainment) Programming Nation aka..CSPN.

CSPN’s Reese Anderson asks McMann why Dickinson? Why Williams? Why Miller?

Mr. McMann: It comes down to this. Wins and losses. Bill Dickinson has a proven track record of success. Dan Williams and Dave Miller are an established tag team who are focuses on one thing- winning the PCW Tag Team titles.

CSPN’s Rebecca Morris asks McMann about the Political Universal titles.

McMann says the SEC hasn’t forgotten them.

Mr. McMann: Charlie Blackwell walked out on the SEC. Kirk Walstreit and P.M.C. Banks were poached by Jill Berg Enterprises…the SEC hasn’t forgotten that. There will be a reckoning. But first things first.

McMann wants to rebuild the brand first. He goes to elaborate but ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson interrupts.

Bill Dickinson: You don’t need a ‘brand.’ What you need is…

Dickinson balls his right fist and shows it off.

Bill Dickinson: …a good right hand. A nasty disposition. And the ability to put your opponents shoulders on the mat and have the referee count…one…two…three. I can do it.

Dickinson points over to Miller and Williams.

Bill Dickinson: They can do it.

Cut back to Suave and Crowder.

Crowder looks horrified.

Colleen Crowder: This is awful! So much…toxic masculinity. I don’t think I can take much more.

Before things get more dramatic, Suave sends it backstage to Paige McGillicutty.

ANOTHER ARRIVAL Returning backstage interviewer Paige McGillicutty has two more new PCW wrestlers- actually a new tag team.

The man on the left is dressed in a bright blue t-shirt with a big ‘D’ in the middle. The man on the right is dressed in red with ‘RINO’ emblazoned across the front.

The Bi-Partisan Dream Team RINO-The Wonk Machine HT: 6′ 0″ WT: 275, HOME: Detroit, MI / FIN: Spear! Blue Dog D HT: 6’ 0” WT: 195 / HOME: Chattanooga, TN

Paige asks them why they’ve returned to PCW?

Blue Dog D says what happened last week on the Blue Brand’s Political Shakedown show was the final straw.

Blue Dog D: I’ve always tried to think that I’m fair minded. But the Progressive Alliance has shifted so far left that now it’s affecting the outcomes of matches.

Blue Dog D refers to the Californian Ninth Circuit of Appeals Rules that he wrestled the Ultimate Social Justice Warrior with on Tuesday Night’s Political Shakedown.

REPLAY: Tuesday Night Political Shakedown

Blue Dog D pins the Ultimate Social Justice Warrior. The referee’s ruling is appealed. The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals overturns the result and orders the match restarted.

Blue Dog D pins him again. The referee’s ruling is appealed. The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals overturns the result and orders the match restarted.

Blue Dog D pins him yet again. The referee’s ruling is appealed. The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals overturns the result and orders the match restarted.

Professor McCarthy’s Flock attacks Blue Dog D. The Ultimate Social Justice Warrior then pins him. The Ninth Circuit affirms the ruling.

Blue Dog D calls it wrong. He’d rather come to PCW where he knows he’ll get a fair shake.

RINO agrees. He’s proud to bring back the Bi-Partisan Dream Team and bring back balance to PCW.

TARKOWSKI ARRIVES AT THE HOT TUB Nicholas Tarkowski finally arrives at the souvenir stand for Champion of the Political Universe ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay.

Nicholas Tarkowski (talking on the phone): I know…I know Mr. Nadler. I’m supposed to be overseeing PCW’s operations. But the second I arrived here, Miss McGill…er..sorry…MS. McGill put me to work…….yes…put me to work!

Tarkowski sees the hot tub. It’s empty and covered up. He drops the box of shirts.

Nicholas Tarkowski: All right. I will get right on it.

Tarkowski ends the call and drops the box on the floor.

Random Worker: They’re not here.

Nicholas Tarkowski: But I’m supposed to-

Random Worker: They went back to the Les Miserables section. Ray said to bring him a few jerseys and leave the rest here.

Nicholas Tarkowski: But?

The random worker shakes his head and leaves.

Tarkowski sighs.

JACK FRAISER PROMO Jack paces back and forth. He’s pissed off at the Green World Order and Professor McCarthy’s Flock because they cost him a shot at the PCW title.

Jack Fraiser: Last week, I was engaged in a battle with Kevin Scott…I had a chance to win a title shot against Stone Chism. And then this happened…

REPLAY: End of Kevin Scott-Jack Fraiser Match

Fraiser sneaks a glance at Blaire Rendell at ringside, grits his teeth, and pushes forward. Scott hits a drop toehold and drops the leg across Fraiser’s back. Scott sits down on his back to bend Fraiser’s head back but a wave of green hits the ring and dive on him.

Johnny Suave: IT’S THE GREEN WORLD ORDER!

Green World Order Valet: Peta from PETA HT: 5’ 8” WT: 123 / HOME: Los Angeles, CA GreenPete HT: 5′ 11″ WT: 195 / HOME: Los Angeles, CA FIN: Harpoon (modified spear or gore) ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee HT: 6′ 3″ WT: 192 / HOME: New York City, NY FIN: The Juicer PeaceNick– HT: 5′ 10″ WT: 180 / HOME: Bremerton, WA FIN: Choroform

Peta, GreenPete and Lee triple up on Scott. PeaceNick does not take part in the violence- he actually walks around the ring with a sign decrying the inherent violence in PCW.

Also at ringside, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She’s cheering on the GWO’s attack on Scott.

Colleen Crowder: Kevin Scott had it coming. The message here? Don’t mess with AOC!

The referee calls for the bell.

WINNER BY DISQUALIFICATION/NEW #1 CONTENDER FOR THE PCW TITLE: ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott @ 4:57

Colleen Crowder (shocked): WHAT?

Close up on Jack Fraiser. He can’t believe he’s just been disqualified.

Fraiser says Johnny Suave had it right. The GWO cost him a shot at the title.

Jack Fraiser: I make sacrifices to become a better man and a better wrestler. The GWO had no right to take away my opportunity to wrestle for the PCW title.

…Professor McCarthy comes out to the stage directs the rest of his Flock to attack Jack Fraiser and his Oootlander. Professor McCarthy’s Flock (GWO, The Young Jerks: Zenk Cryger, James Idahola, and their screechy, profane valet Anna, Codee Pink, Emily S. List) jump Fraiser and Rendell.

Johnny Suave: IT’S NOW NINE AGAINST THREE!

Colleen Crowder: That’ll teach them a valuable lesson.

Professor McCarthy climbs into the ring. Fraiser and Rendell are laid out on the floor. Codee Pink glitter bombs Scott and he’s blinded. The Flock are now pummeling the living hell out of Scott.

Jack Fraiser: No, the valuable lesson that will be taught is not to mess with another man’s livelihood. GWO? I’m coming for you. Professor McCarthy’s Flock? I don’t care how long it takes, there will be payback for what happened.

========================

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

“Remember. If something bad happens to you- we’ll find someone to blame so you can get paid!”

Extreme Attorneys Felcher and Felcher ‘Seriously Bad Lawyers with Seriously Bad Combovers’

========================

PCW RANKINGS

PCW Title Champion: The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism #1 Contender: ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott #2 Contender: ‘Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan (Les Miserables) #3 Contender: ‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson (SEC) #4 Contender: Average Joe (Truckin’ Average Company)

PCW Women’s Title Champion: TBD #1 Contender: Yosemite Samantha #2 Contender: ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot #3 Contender: Ninja Kitty #4 Contender: ‘Former Hooter’s Waitress’ C.J. Lewis

PCW Tag Team Title Champion: Island of Misfit Wrestlers: Rah and Halitosis #1 Contender: The Dork Dynasty: Leonard and Sheldon Robertson #2 Contender: Truckin’ Average Company: Ken Worth-American Trucker and Brad Company #3 Contender: Rough Justice: D.B. Ruff and Connor Justice #4 Contender: The Beer Bellied Softball Playing Ninja: Hank and Tiny

PCW Television Title Champion: TBD #1 Contender: Jack Fraiser #2 Contender: SNAFU #3 Contender: Big Oil (Jill Berg Enterprises) #4 Contender: Ken Worth-American Trucker (Truckin’ Average Company)

========================

OUTSIDE THE ARENA/FILMED EARLIER Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez continues to query people about whether or not they agree with her views and writes up those who don’t on her list.

Then, former PCW wrestler and member of the infamous ‘Axis of Evil’ tag team who competed in PCW a decade ago Fernando Venezuela comes up to AOC.

Fernando Venezuela HT: 6′ 9″ WT: 355, HOME: Caracas, Venezuela FIN: Venezuelian Vice Grip

She recognizes Venezuela and raises her right fist in the air.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Solidarity my Venezuelan brother! I support Nicolas Maduro one hundred percent and oppose any effort to remove him from power!

Venezuela points to a button on his shirt.

Fernando Venezuela: I support Juan Guaido. I’ve changed my stance on socialism.

Ocasio-Cortez’s smile vanishes.

Fernando Venezuela: Socialism does not work for Venezuelans. Socialism has left our country in a mess.

Now frowning, Ocasio-Cortez is not pleased.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Hmmph.

She angrily scribbles Venezuela’s name down on the clipboard.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: You just made the list!

Cut back to Suave and Crowder.

Johnny Suave: That’s right. Former Axis of Evil wrestler Fernando Venezuela is here tonight at the show. He’s sitting as a special guest in the Les Miserables section of the arena.

Cut to the Les Miserables section.

LIVE FROM THE LES MISERABLES SECTION Venezuela waves from the Les Miserables section. Behind Venezuela, the Les Miserables stand up and start cheering when they realize the camera has been turned on.

Venezuela sits next to Champion of the Political Universe ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay and his pals: -General DeBauchery, a weird mash up of the AWA’s Colonel DeBeers and Lt. Aldo from Inglorious Basterds, sporting an authentic captain’s hat right out of World War II, grinning obnoxiously and smoking a cigar while collecting every beer and liquor label he can get his hands on. -Al Cahall, who does curls with a six pack of beer to tone his six pack abs. -Nic Koteen, smoking a cigarette and blatantly violating several city anti-smoking ordinances.

Oh…and Nicholas Tarkowski arrives with a few more shirts. He’s also on the phone- presumably with Jerrold Nadler dishing the dirt on PCW.

The camera pans and shows many more people in the section, ordinary folks from different backgrounds.

Cut back to Suave and Crowder.

Colleen Crowder: Who are those nobodies sitting with McAvay and his rabble?

Johnny Suave: McAvay gives tickets to middle class, ordinary people to come to the show and fill up the Les Miserables section. He feels ticket prices for many events price out ordinary folks so this is his way of giving back to them.

Crowder’s eyes light up.

Colleen Crowder: Wait a minute. These people are getting ‘comped’ tickets? They’re not paying to get into the show.

Johnny Suave: Um…I guess not.

Crowder is up out of her chair and running to the back before Suave finishes his statement.

Johnny Suave: I’m used to her getting up and running out. But usually, she’s in a real pissed off mood when she does it.

Suave notes that located next to the Les Miserables section are the American Patriots/Never Trumpers country club set. Bill Kristol. Jonah Goldberg. David French. Tom Nichols. David Reaboi. Mitt Romney (UT-American Patriots). They sit next to the markedly rowdier Les Miserables sipping their cognac and looking down at their neighbors.

Kristol gets up and complains to one of the usher about the ‘unseemly’ behavior going on in the next section.

Bill Kristol: These ‘people’ simply do not belong.

Johnny Suave: Since when did Bill Kristol become Judge Smails?

Bill Kristol: And look at my shoes. There’s wax build-up on those shoes! This is fine leather! I need someone to come out here and strip the wax off, cream them, and buff them with a fine chamois!

Johnny Suave: I’m sorry, is he talking dirty there?

Kristol berates the poor usher and demands he does something about the Les Miserables.

Johnny Suave: Funny. Kristol and his ilk see people who are apparently beneath him. I see people doing the best they can to get from one day to another. Just like the two men who are going wrestle for the PCW Television title tonight. One of them is backstage right now with Paige McGillicutty. Paige?

Cut to backstage.

SNAFU AND COACH E.J. FLACK Paige brings SNAFU and Coach Flack in.

Paige McGillicutty: Coach Flack, SNAFU has had opportunities at the PCW Title. Tonight, he gets a crack at the TV belt.

E.J. Flack: Paige.

The crowd cheers.

E.J. Flack: Ladies and gentlemen. My name is E.J. Flack. I am not here to change traditions. I am not here to pursue an agenda. I am here in PCW because I eat challenges for breakfast. That’s why I’m here. And that’s why this man is here.

Flack points towards SNAFU.

E.J. Flack: Sometimes in life, you have to face the big monster thingy.

Paige McGillicutty: The big monster thingy?

E.J. Flack: Sometimes in life, you have to take on something that’s bigger than you even if its huge tusks can shred you to bits in seconds…even if its jagged teeth can tear through you like a hot knife through warm butter. Sometimes when you’re climbing life’s mountain and come up against insurmountable odds, you have to…

Flack pauses for dramatic effect.

E.J. Flack: …‘Narfle the Garthok!

Crowd: NARFLE THE GARTHOK!

Flack continues with his spiel and says forget about ‘rowing the boat.’ He explains an oar is nothing more than a mere snack for a Garthok. A Garthok uses an oar as a frickin’ toothpick. And a boat becomes dilapidated in time.

E.J. Flack: When you’re climbing life’s mountain and come up against insurmountable odds, you don’t row something, you…

Flack raises his arm and the PCW fans respond.

Crowd: NARFLE THE GARTHOK!

And with that, Flack and SNAFU depart.

Cut back to Suave and Crowder at the broadcast desk.

Suave notes Colleen Crowder has returned and seems in a really good mood.

Johnny Suave: We are ready to find out who will be the new PCW Television champion.

Colleen Crowder: I’m happy Jack Fraiser gets his title shot after all.

Johnny Suave: You are?

Colleen Crowder: Yes. Maybe now he’ll stop whining about what happened last week.

Suave sends it to Kimber Marshall in the ring.

Cut to the ring.

MATCH #2-PCW TELEVISION TITLE: SNAFU w/Coach P.J. Flack vs. Jack Fraiser Kimber Marshall is there and ready for the introductions.

Kimber Marshall: This match is a one fall…

Crowd: ONE FALL!

Kimber Marshall: …and is for the PCW Television Title! Introducing first…

’Feel Invincible’- Skillet

Kimber Marshall: HE’S LEARNED EVERYTHING HE KNOWS ABOUT WRESTLING FROM WATCHING SABU IN ECW VIDEOS!

SNAFU AGE: 33 / HT: 5′ 10″ WT: 200 / HOME: Parts Unknown FIN: Philadelphia Facebuster MGR: Coach E.J. Flack

The fans chant ‘SNAFU!…SNAFU! as he and Flack make their way to the ring.

Kimber Marshall: And his opponent…

The video screen comes to life:

It’s 1946 in the Scottish Highlands.

On the hill of Irish na Dun, British nurse Blaire Rendell hears the tell-tale buzzing sound as she approaches the standing stones. This makes her very happy.]

Blaire Rendell (Scottish accent): Soon, I’ll be back with my true love Jamie and I will be truly happy once again in eighteenth century Scotland.

Blaire goes to the standing stones where the buzzing sound gets louder and louder. Soon she faints and falls to the ground. When she wakes up…

Blaire nearly jumps in the air when she encounters a man dressed in heavy plaid lumberjack shirt, a warm coat, and a tuque.

Blaire Rendell: Wh-who the hell are you? And where the hell am I?

Jack Fraiser: My name is Jack Fraiser. You are in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan Canada.

Blaire Rendell: Saskatoon…Saskatchewan Canada? That can’t be true. I’m supposed to be in Scotland.

[A hockey puck comes flying by just barely missing both of them.]

Blaire Rendell: What the *BLEEP*!

Jack Fraiser: Nope. This is definitely Canada.

Kimber continues with the introduction.

Jack Fraiser AGE: 24 / HT: 6”3” WT: 205 / HOME: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan FIN: Canadian National Railaway VALET: ‘Oootlander’ Blaire Rendell

Fraiser and Rendell make their way to the ring.

Johnny Suave: These two have spent a lot of time in the same ring of late. They know each other’s moves…they know each other’s tendencies. This will be a fascinating match.

Colleen Crowder: And the winner becomes the trailer park champion.

*DING-DING*

Flack gets up on the ring apron and shouts ‘NARFLE THE GARTHOK!’ The crowd responds in kind. Fraiser shrugs it off and ties up with SNAFU. Fraiser pushes SNAFU to a corner but backs off. He waits for SNAFU and they circle. SNAFU and Fraiser tie up again and jockey for position. Fraiser takes a waistlock. Fraiser rolls SNAFU back and shifts to a facelock. SNAFU scoots back to get the ropebreak with a foot. Fraiser lets go at 3 and he grins as they circle again. Flack claps his hands on the outside and fires the crowd up. They tie up, and Fraiser gets a takedown. Fraiser goes for the early pin. One…two…SNAFU kicks out. Fraiser goes for the mount but SNAFU pushes away with his legs. SNAFU tries to go to the air but Blaire Rendell smacks him in the back with a steel chair and SNAFU staggers into another takedown. Fraiser covers again…one…two…SNAFU kicks out and gets back to his feet.

Johnny Suave: Jack Fraiser controlling the action early on. He’s not letting SNAFU use any of the moves he’s learned from the SABU ECW DVD.

Colleen Crowder: Yeah whatever. The news I have is far better than this match between two no name wrestlers.

Fraiser charges forward. SNAFU throat chops! He clubs and chops Fraiser. Irish whip coming but Fraiser blocks, then reverses to run SNAFU over! Fraiser throws forearms and European Uppercuts. He whips SNAFU and dropkicks him! Fraiser even standing moonsaults! Cover…one…two…SNAFU kicks out and survives again. Fraiser whips SNAFU but SNAFU holds the ropes. Fraiser runs into a stungun and a flapjack hotshot! He decides to take five and rolls out of the ring. SNAFU pursues Fraiser on the outside. Blaire tries to get in his way…SNAFU knocks her aside and throws Fraiser into the barricade. Fans applaud while SNAFU scrambles back to the ring. Fraiser takes a few seconds to gather himself and confer with Blaire. He’s headed back to the ring when we go to break.

=======================

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

Regressive Insurance Commercial

[Shot in black and white, the commercial starts out in an old fashioned kitchen right out of the 1950’s. Dawn McGill, wearing an arch-typical 1950’s red dress with white ruffles and sporting a 1950’s bouffant hair style, sits at the kitchen table with an antique adding machine to her right. She looks the part of the stereotypical happy suburban housewife, complete with big, pearly smile, as she sifts through the monthly bills.]

Announcer: The secret to a happy home in these modern times is a housewife who’s in control of the finances.

[McGill glances up and looks straight at the camera.]

Dawn McGill (in an extremely pleasant voice): Actually, any wife, husband, or human person could use Regressive Insurance’s ‘Set Your Own Price’ magic marker…

[Dawn holds up the giant, prop-like magic marker aka the ‘Set Your Own Price’ tool.]

Dawn McGill: …to take control of their budget.

[Dawn slightly tilts her face and smiles.]

Announcer: And while the men do the hard work of making money…

[Close up on McGill as her facial expression changes. She looks slightly annoyed now.]

Announcer: …she can get all the car insurance options her little heart desires.

[No check that. She looks a little pissed off.]

Dawn McGill: Men do the hard work of making money? Really?

[Cut to the announcer guy- a walking, talking relic from the 1950’s.]

Announcer (smiling and scoffing): Women don’t have jobs making money.

[Cut back to Dawn. She looks at the ‘Set Your Own Price’ tool. Then she looks at the announcer guy like a tiger eyeing its prey.

[Cut to the announcer guy.]

Announcer: Modernizing car insurance the-*WHACK*

[McGill cracks the announcer guy with the ‘Set Your Own Price’ tool.]

Announcer: Owww. You hit me.

[Then Dawn takes a headlock and gauges the announcer’s forehead with the ‘Set Your Own Price’ tool. Blood begins to flow from over his right eye.]

Announcer: Where’s your husband?”

Dawn McGill: Where’s my husband? I’ll show you where my husband is.

[Dawn takes announcer guy by the arm and flings him into the kitchen table. Then she goes to the cupboard and pulls out a skillet. No, not the newfangled skillets but the old fashioned iron skillet. McGill lifts the skillet and…]

[*BONK*]

[…brains the hell out of announcer guy with it.]

[The director of the commercial runs out.]

Director: Hey! You can’t-

[*BONK*]

[Fade to black.]

=======================

========================

OUTSIDE THE ARENA/MINUTES AGO Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wraps up a ‘spirited’…okay…heated conversation with a passer-by.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Yeah, buddy. You just make the list.

She scribbles the name down on her clipboard.

Finally, two policemen come up to her.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Yes? Can I help you?

Policeman: Ma’am. We’re going to have to take you in.

Ocasio-Cortez becomes a little concerned.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: This isn’t about the FEC complaint, is it?

The policemen shake their heads no.

Policeman: Gimmick infringement.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Gimmick infringement?

youtube

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (slightly confused): Oh……um……wait a minute

AOC tries to wrap her head around this.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (really confused): ……what?

Policeman: Come along with us.

They lead her towards a waiting car.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: No…wait!

Cut back to the match.

PCW TELEVISION TITLE MATCH (continued) …SNAFU tries to fight out of a sleeper hold and body scissors.

Johnny Suave: SNAFU’S in trouble! He needs to find a way out of the sleeper hold.

E.J. Flack whips the fans into rallying up. Blaire tries to do the same for her man. SNAFU finally fights his way up and out. SNAFU has a chair. *CLANG* Fraiser drops to a knee. SNAFU sets up the chair. Runs the ropes. Leaps off the chair and cannonballs into Fraiser.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Cover…one…two…NO! Fraiser just got the shoulder up. SNAFU with the chair. He tosses it to Fraiser. Basement dropkick-NO. Fraiser wallops SNAFU with the chair. Fraiser whips SNAFU into a corner. Blaire slaps SNAFU. Fraiser runs in…SNAFU ducks out. Fraiser misses and takes out his Oootlander- she goes tumbling off the ring apron. SNAFU manages a fireman’s carry…Rolling Death Valley! Cover…one…two…NO!

Johnny Suave: HOW IN THE HELL DID HE KICK OUT OF THAT?

Suave waits for Crowder to say something…anything.

Colleen Crowder: What!

Suave tries to prompt her along. Crowder says she’ll do her talking after the match is over.

Out of nowhere, Fraiser suplexes SNAFU! That gets the fans fired up. Fraiser stalks SNAFU. He scoops slams SNAFU and goes for a cover but SNAFU slips right out. SNAFU pokes the eyes. Fraiser manages a right hand that drives SNAFU into the ropes and then drags SNAFU up again. But SNAFU grabs ropes and won’t let go! SNAFU elbows out but Fraiser’s on him again, German Suplex! Fraiser holds on and drags SNAFU up again, German number two. Fraiser brings SNAFU up again, for the hat trick! But Fraiser’s not done yet. Lift…a fourth German Suplex to SNAFU. Fraiser for the title…one…two…th-NO! Fraiser can’t believe it. Blaire can’t believe it. Somewhere deep down, even SNAFU probably can’t believe it. Blaire pulls out a table and tosses it into the ring while Fraiser pulls SNAFU up and leans him in the corner. Fraiser sets the table up against SNAFU and retreats to the opposite corner. He takes off and sprints across and whams into the table at full speed driving it into SNAFU.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! CANADIAN NATIONAL RAILAWAY!

Fraiser avoids the table as it falls backward. SNAFU takes a step and pitches down to the mat. Fraiser covers. One…two…THREE!

*DING-DING-DING*

Johnny Suave: JACK FRAISER IS THE NEW PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION!

Kimber Marshall makes the official announcement.

WINNER AND NEW PCW TELEVISION CHAMPION: Jack Fraiser @ 17:52 (9:00 on TV)

Fraiser and Blaire embrace. But their celebration is cut short.

Colleen Crowder is in the ring and she’s joined by ‘Low Level Reporter at CNN Trying to Make a Name for Herself’ Sharon Johns and ‘Low Level Reporter at the Washington Post Trying to Make a Name for Himself’ Dan Miller- both who were supposedly banned from reporting on PCW by Dawn McGill.

Crowder says she hates to step on Jack Fraiser’s ‘big win’ tonight but no one cares…she gets booed mightily for that one.

Colleen Crowder: We are breaking news here tonight and that takes precedence. Last week on Extreme Political TV, Dawn McGill said this to Jerrold Nadler…

REPLAY: Last Week’s Extreme Political TV

PCW Owner Dawn McGill and Jerrold Nadler (NY-Progressive Alliance) are in the midst of a heated conversation about ‘oversight.’

Dawn McGill: That’s a bad argument Mr. Nadler. I signed a contract with the venue and paid a fee for us to be here tonight. I make money by charging a price for people to come here to watch the show. I don’t comp tickets to ANYONE. Including you. Including people who just think they can show up at the door and walk right in. It’s not fair to those who spent their hard earned money in order to come here tonight. It’s not fair to those who do the right thing but keep getting penalized by people like you for doing the right thing.

Crowder says McGill has been caught in a lie…a BIG LIE.

Colleen Crowder: Earlier tonight, I found out that alleged, ordinary, schmucks are given free tickets to sit in the Les Miserables section…

REPLAY: Earlier Tonight

Colleen Crowder: Who are those nobodies sitting with McAvay and his rabble?

Crowder’s eyes light up.

Colleen Crowder: Wait a minute. These people are getting ‘comped’ tickets? They’re not paying to get into the show.

Johnny Suave: Um…I guess not.

Crowder is up out of her chair and running to the back before Suave finishes his statement.

Jerrold Nadler appears on the video screen.

Jerrold Nadler (video screen): First off, I want to thank Colleen Crowder for personally calling me with this new information. I am very interested in hearing McGill’s explanation for this.

And that brings the PCW owner out. She does not look happy.

Dawn McGill: Colleen, I thought you were a lot of things but I never dreamed for a second that you were a nark. You went and narked me out to Jerrold Nadler. You’ve made my point about bias and validated the reason why I barred your Washington Post and CNN pals from the arena tonight.

McGill then gets to her point. She pulls out what appears to be four checks and asks the camera person to zoom in on them.

The cameraman zooms in- it is indeed four checks.

Dawn McGill: One check is from Ray McAvay. One check is from William Daniels Bryan. One check is from Charlie Blackwell. And guess who wrote out the fourth check?

The camera shows Dawn McGill wrote the fourth check.

Crowder’s jaw drops. Miller’s jaw drops. Hall’s jaw drops.

Dawn McGill: What does that mean? It means between the four of us, we paid for EVERY…SINGLE…TICKET…in the Les Miserables section.

Nadler disappears from the video screen and it goes black.

McGill eyes Crowder.

Dawn McGill: Ray McAvay, William Daniels Bryan, and myself spent two full days driving all over the Wichita metropolitan area giving away free tickets. We stopped at a couple Waffle Houses and handed out tickets. We stopped at warehouses, distribution centers, factories, restaurants, shops, the mall, strip malls, strip clubs, firehouses, outhouses, you name it, we stopped in every conceivable place possible and gave away tickets to tonight’s show.

McGill pauses and smiles.

Dawn McGill: We’ve spent more time handing out tickets and giving back to ordinary, middle class people who’ve been disrespected and disregarded for the past twenty-five years than Adam Schiff (CA-Progressive Alliance) did prepping Michael Cohen for his testimony.

Mic drop.

McGill turns and leaves.

Suave sends it backstage.

KEVIN SCOTT SPEAKS Paige McGillicutty has ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott backstage and asks him about his match last week against PCW Champion ‘The One Man Anti Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism.

Kevin Scott: Stone Chism. My road back to the PCW Title is in the home stretch and I know what it takes to get to the end. I’m a three time PCW Champion and I know that to win the belt you have to go to another level.

Paige asks Scott about the Green World Order attack on him last week.

Kevin Scott: The GWO did Jack Fraiser wrong. I’m happy he won the PCW Television title earlier tonight but…hey…that doesn’t make up for the fact that he could be in my situation right now and wrestling for the top belt in PCW.

Scott says he’s happy that he ended up with the title shot.

Paige asks if he believe he’s earned his shot.

Kevin Scott: That’s not for me to say. I feel bad for Jack Fraiser but I’m not going to refuse to take this opportunity. And I’m fed up with the Green World Order and Professor McCarthy’s Flock talking down to the PCW fans. The fans want someone to punch them in the nose…hell…I want to punch them in the nose. Hopefully I’ll get my chance to do that…soon!

Paige thanks Scott and sends it back to Suave and Crowder.

SUAVE REVIEWS THE SHOW -Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY-Progressive Alliance) stands outside an entrance to the Hartman Arena and asks people if they support her. If they do, she gets a smile. If they don’t, they make her ‘list.’ -Jerrold Nadler (NY-Progressive Alliance) sends an intern to oversee PCW. The intern gets put to work and doesn’t do a lot of overseeing. -‘Redneck’ Bill Dickinson of the SEC defeated Millennial Mark -‘Sports Entertainment Genius’ Mr. McMann discussed the ‘new’ SEC. -Jack Fraiser is pissed off at the Green World Order for costing him a shot at the PCW title -Fraiser then defeats SNAFU to win the PCW Television Title -‘Low Level Reporter at the New York Times Trying to Make a Name for Herself’ Colleen Crowder thinks she’s caught PCW Owner Dawn McGill in a lie about ‘comped’ tickets. She was wrong.

It’s main event time for the PCW Women’s Title.

MAIN EVENT/PCW WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: Yosemite Samantha vs. ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot Kimber Marshall is in the ring.

Kimber Marshall: Tonight’s main event is one fall…

Crowd: ONE fall!

Kimber Marshall: And it’s for the PCW Women’s title. Introducing first…she is the roughest, toughest, rootinest, shootinest cowgirl who ever crossed the Rio Grande!

Yosemite Samantha, sporting a big ten gallon cowboy hat and a holster complete with gun, walks out onto the stage and gives the audience the ol’ stinkeye.

*“Moth into a Flame” – Metallica*

Yosemite Samantha AGE: 30 / HT: 5’1″ WT: 105 / HOME: Dodge City, KS FIN: Shotgun Knee/Cannonball Combo VALET: Andrea, Melissa, and Charissa Hanson aka…The Hanson Sisters

With an intense look on her face, Yosemite Samantha marches down to the ring followed by all three Hanson Sister- each one dressed in the class Charlestown Chiefs hockey sweaters from the movie ‘Slapshot.’

Yosemite Samantha leaps onto the ring apron and takes aim at her opponent in the back. She removes her cowboy hat and gun holster and leaves them in the corner.

Kimber Marshall: And her opponent…

*“Queen of My Double-Wide Trailer”- Sammy Kershaw*

‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot struts out with her White Trash Posse (Shayne and Jaxson).

‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot AGE: 33 / HT: 5′ 10″ WT: 118 / HOME: Magnolia, AR FIN: White Trash Compactor VALET: The White Trash Posse-Shayne and Jaxson

Harlot and company come to the ring.

Colleen Crowder: You’ve got to be kidding me. It’s freakin’ 2019 and THESE are the two women who are wrestling to become the PCW Women’s champion. What the *BLEEP*?

Johnny Suave: Well Colleen. Lani and Samantha survived two nights of matches this weekend to make it to this point. They are the best of the best in the PCW Women’s-

Colleen Crowder: Save it. Neither of these women qualify to be in this position. These women aren’t the role models that our young girls should look up to.

Johnny Suave: Sorry. You earn titles by doing the work. These two women have done the work.

Crowder starts to say something but Suave notes Referee Davey Keels is calling for the bell.

*DING-DING*

Johnny Suave: And we’re off.

1st MINUTE Harlot and Yosemite Samantha start slowly. Circling. The White Trash Posse scowl watching the action. The Hanson Sisters keep a close watch on the proceedings. Collar and elbow tie. Harlot goes wristlock. Yosemite Samantha reverses into a hammerlock. Harlot reverses back. Irish whip. Yosemite Samantha ducks going through. Harlot blocks the hip toss. Yosemite Samantha blocks a hip toss. Both release and there’s a stand off. The crowd applauds.

Johnny Suave: Okay. No one got the better of that exchange.

Colleen Crowder: No one cares about that Johnny.

2nd MINUTE Tie up. Harlot pushes Yosemite Samantha into a neutral corner. Right hand. Right hand. Yosemite Samantha takes the easy way and punts Harlot in the groin. Harlot doubles over.

Colleen Crowder: Awwww…really? We’re doing that?

Yosemite Samantha grabs her by the back of the head and drives her to the mat with a running bulldog. Roll over and cover…one…Harlot powers out.

Johnny Suave: She wasn’t going to get it done that easy.

Drop toehold by Harlot but Yosemite Samantha pushes herself right back up. She misses a wild right hand as Harlot ducks under. Harlot hiptosses her opponent to the mat.

3rd MINUTE Yosemite Samantha back on her feet and getting her dander up. She goes to run the ropes but Shayne snags a leg and knocks her off balance. Harlot runs through with a clothesline. She goes top rope and hits an elbow. Hooks the legs. One…two- Yosemite Samantha kicks out with authority. Yosemite Samantha clubs Harlot on the back and stares down her White Trash Posse. Shayne shrugs and plays innocent. Yosemite Samantha turns around to get run over by Harlot.

Johnny Suave: Neither woman really getting a foothold on this match. The best thing you can say is that they’re being patient and not forcing the issue.

Colleen Crowder: You are trying really hard to put bright red lipstick on the pig, aren’t you?

4th MINUTE Harlot stalks Yosemite Samantha along the ropes. Forearms to the back. YS falls over. Cover by Harlot…one…two…Yosemite Samantha kicks out. More forearms by Harlot. Yosemite Samantha hits back. Harlot clubs her down again. Harlot stands Yosemite Samantha up and whips her into the ropes. YS comes back and gets big back dropped…bails out…and falls to the floor. Keels starts a ring count and it passes 6 before Yosemite Samantha really moves.

Johnny Suave: Yosemite Samantha needs to find another idea. What she’s doing is not working and hasn’t worked for most of the match.

Colleen Crowder: This is terrible. It’s setting back the women’s movement by fifty years.

…

14th MINUTE The Hanson Sisters confer with Yosemite Samantha on the outside. They break off when the count reaches 15 and YS returns to the ring. Harlot drags Yosemite Samantha up. YS hits back with forearms! Harlot swings but Samantha dodges and manages a scoop, but Harlot’s weight brings her down! Cover…one…two…Yosemite Samantha kicks out. Harlot drops an elbow on her back and then pauses to catch her breath.

Johnny Suave: Both women are exhausted. Just exhausted. A lot of energy was expended in the first few minutes of the match.

15th MINUTE Action slows way down. Yosemite Samantha grabs Harlot’s arm and goes walking on the top rope. She leaps and hits a headscissors takedown on Yosemite Samantha. Cover…one…two…Harlot kicks out at 2. Armdrag takedown by Yosemite Samantha. Slingshot Springboard Crossbody by Yosemite Samantha. She hooks the legs…Harlot kicks out at two and hits a desperate Superkick that drops Yosemite Samantha. Harlot follows with a Super Back Suplex and covers. One…Two…kick out by Samantha.

Johnny Suave: How can you not say that this is a great match between two great female wrestlers. I thought this was right in your wheel house?

Colleen Crowder: These two are NOT the positive, uplifting role models who should be filling these type of positions. PERIOD!

16th MINUTE Harlot with another back suplex and cover. One…two…Andrea Hanson of the Hanson Sisters came off the top rope with another missile dropkick to make the last second save. Yosemite Samantha rolls out of the ring to the floor. Harlot goes for it and leaps over the ropes to hit an awkward Headscissors Takedown. Yosemite Samantha gets dragged back into the ring. Cover by Harlot…one…two…Yosemite Samantha kicks out at two.

Johnny Suave: That was close!

Colleen Crowder: Whatever…

Crowder gets up and leaves…again…

17th MINUTE Yosemite Samantha on the top rope. She flies. Harlot ducks and YS clocks Jaxson from the White Trash Posses with a double ax handle to the head. Jaxson is knocked out and falls to the mat. Harlot spins Yosemite Samantha around. Small package roll up by Samantha! Cover. One. Two. Three.

*DING-DING-DING*

Kimber Marshall right in the ring for the announcement.

WINNER AND NEW PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: Yosemite Samantha @ 16:29 (7:00 for TV)

Johnny Suave: Un-freakin’ believable. Yosemite Samantha outlasts the ‘Queen of the Trailer Park’ Lani Harlot and she is your new PCW Women’s Champion!

The new champ celebrates with the Hanson Sisters in the ring.

Johnny Suave: That’s going to do it. For Colleen Crowder, I’m Johnny Suave. We’ll see you all next week.

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