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kolsmikaelson · 1 year

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Hi ! Could I request a F!Reader X Kiri where Reader is also a Navi but is completely terrified of the water from past experiences and kiri,being the awesome and supportive girlfriend I believe she is,just supporting her and trying to help her through her fear?

lover girl - kiri sully x fem!reader

a/n - hi! i love kiri so much, i’m glad this was my first avatar request <3. i hope this does what you wanted justice !

warning(s) - use of y/n, not proofread | word count - 735 | taglist

The cold winds of Pandora bite angrily at your skin as you sit perched atop a large rock watching Kiri swim through the water, enchanted by each sea animal she comes across. As much as you disliked, hated, the water you decided you’d deal with it for a few hours because of how much Kiri loves it.

Ever since finding sanctuary in the Metkayina clan, her love for the water increased tenfold, most days her brothers had a tough time getting her out of the water for anything, anything but you. All the boys had to do was mention your name once, make a comment of oh Y/N looked lonely today or Y/N missed you earlier Kiri, they were looking for you a while ago.

Oftentimes, Kiri would be up and out of the hut before you and her two younger siblings had woken up. She couldn’t get enough of the water. This morning however, she’d woken you gently and asked if you’d come with her. The two of you had not gotten much alone time since coming to the Metkayina clan. She was ecstatic when you agreed sleepily, while you were secretly dreading it hoping that she wouldn’t make you get in the water.

“Join me?” Kiri’s head pops out from underwater, catching you by surprise as you’d gotten lost in your own world. There it was, the question you’d been fearful of hearing all morning. But it was to be expected, you hadn’t told the girl of your trepidation of the water. It wasn’t that you liked keeping something like this from your mate, but you found yourself embarrassed and unable to tell her anytime you tried to. You’d only hoped to keep it secret a little while longer.

“No, Ma Kiri, I’m quite alright watching you do your thing.”

“Please,” she asks, dragging the word out, eyes pleading with you.

“I do not like the water the way you do, Kiri. So please, continue.” You hope that’s enough for her and that she will go back to whatever it was she had been doing moments ago. Unfortunately for you, she was more than persistent this morning.

“Come on Y/N, what’s the worst that could happen?” Oh how you wished she hadn’t asked that, it made your mind run a mile a minute thinking of everything that could in fact go wrong. Rationally, you knew that you were in too shallow water for anything bad to happen but you feared that if you were to get in, then Kiri would take you farther and farther out to sea.

“Kiri..” You take a deep breath, this is it you conclude, This is when I tell her, you think to yourself.

“Kiri, I am afraid of the ocean.” You start bluntly, “ I have had many… less than favorable experiences in the water. I know you didn’t know but I would prefer to stay on dry land.”

Kiri immediately jumps from the water and is by your side, she pulls you close while resting her arms around you.

“Oh Ma Y/N, if I had known..”

“No! Do not do that, Kiri. I did not bring it up for a reason, there was no way for you to have known. We have been accustomed to the forest our whole lives, there aren’t too many oceans there, is there?” Kiri laughs at your attempt to lighten the mood, her guilt fading quickly.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was embarrassed, Eywa I was so embarrassed. I didn’t want you to think less of me. I know that’s stupid but..”

“Yes. It was stupid, Y/N. I would never think less of you for something such as this. What I would have done was offer to help you get over it. We wouldn’t do anything crazy, just starting out small and then gradually taking bigger steps. It would be just you and I, my love.”

Your heart burns with nerves that are overcome by happiness, her intentions were so pure you couldn’t help but smile.

“Maybe, someday soon, I will take you up on that, angel.”

Interlocking your fingers with hers, you bring the back of her hand to your lips and leave small kisses in your wake. Letting your hands fall into her lap you lean against her and look out into the calm waves of the sea.

Maybe the water wasn’t so bad.

taglist (bold means i cannot tag you) ; @lvtilzs @2manytabsopen @jimzk @tainted-artist4161 @boqvistsbabe @777slatina @michelledelray @i-bet-you-think-about-me-mp3 @i984 @tinafuentes @whotfatemywaffles @conniesanchor @izzy-laufeyson @swagabclearner @fallonaurr @ke1ramar1e @georgi-salva @lastwandastan @lonelywitchv2 @hopefulwitchcandy @lovelyy-moonlight @alexxavicry @hockeyboysarehot @bluesongbird @sunflowerlamb @hopexargent @liltimmyst @prettysummerbaby @fictionalho @ssprayberrythings

#◜ caitee’𝗌 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝗄𝗌 ✎ ˚✧ ꜝ #avatar #avatar the way of water #kiri sully #avatar x reader #avatar twow x reader #avatar blurb #avatar twow blurb #avatar imagine #avatar twow imagine #kiri sully x reader #kiri sully imagine #kiri sully x you #kiri sully x y/n #avatar x you #avatar x y/n

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moonshynecybin · 2 months

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do you have any books recommendations? 🙏

okay usually i like to know a general vibe for recommendations bc this is INTIMATE!!! and im actually in a weird place in my reading journey where im trying to branch out and try a bunch of different books in a bunch of different genres bc i got lowkey sick of what i was reading all the time so this is all over the place. whatever fuck it. here are some recent ones in no particular order that ive enjoyed OR at the very least found interesting. most of these are pretty famous i'll be real im not breaking the wheel here. under the cut bc she is long

our wives under the sea by julia armfield. was this book good hmm i dont know. was it kind of fucked up and interesting. YES. some of the prose is legitimately sooo gorgeous and the portrait it paints of the central relationship is intimate and oftentimes heartrending i still think about it which is kind of what you want from a story tbh... a really slow plot (kind of nonexistent) thats frankly more about grief than anything. theres some spooky body horror here so beware

slaughterhouse five by kurt vonnegut. shes a classic for a REASON. do you ever pick up a book that is very beloved and famous. and then get genuinely and pleasantly surprised that it actually rules. happened to me. legit kind of life changing and also made me laugh out loud. if you havent read it get on it

the kingdoms by natasha pulley. read this over the summer and i vividly remember sitting in the basement at my job hiding so i could read one more page i was RIVETED!!! its historical fantasy its time travel its amnesia it is. on a boat. basically like what if fucked up gay love and also magic made france win the napoleonic wars would that be crazy or what!!! and it was!! also read some of her other stuff which is VERY similar and it was like. fine to good. but i LOVED this one

carrie by stephen king. read it around halloween and i enjoyed it more than i thought i would ! some category 5 stephen king sexism but its an interesting 200 page scifi novel with epistolary elements and some great characters i can see how it launched his career into the stratosphere... really good one to start off with reading stephen king if you wanna dip a toe in but are wary of the 1000 page doorstop novels. i say give it a try !

demon copperhead by barbara kingsolver. recent pulitzer prize winner. its a retelling of david copperfield with a distinctly southern appalachian lens which im always interested in because i am from southern appalachia and frankly the way we get treated in fiction is wild. like hillbilly cannibals who are illiterate coalminers wild. if i ever catch the guy that wrote hillbilly elegy we are throwing hands. but i liked this ! the region does have a long history of poverty and it was interesting to think about that in conversation to the social commentary with a victorian vibe from david copperfield. i mean this is decidedly unvictorian but that was floating in the back of my head at all times reading it so it made me THINK.

giovanni's room by james baldwin. another one where i was like do you see this shit?? this shit is crazy. and the shit in question is one of the most acclaimed and beloved novels of all time. anyways another life changer get on it.

even as we breathe by annette saunooke clapsaddle. another southern appalachia moment ! this one rings VERY true for me actually, despite being a historical novel... written with a lot of love for the area and made me cry a bit cause i was homesick at the time... great mystery and cool local history. also! one of the better representations of the cherokee people ive seen in fiction. which usually im hesitant to like. pin that as a THE major reason you should read it bc the story is ALSO very good but its a central theme of the novel so i thought i should mention it. plus the author is cherokee so she's coming at it with knowledge and care

in memoriam by alice winn. recommendation from a tumblr mutual so i thought id continue the tradition! read it in literally a day so im fuzzy on the details but its about rich eton style english schoolboys getting their spirits basically destroyed in the trenches of ww1... also a gay love story... lots of poetry very tragic but not overly so and certainly very readable... a competent historical gay romance if thats ur thing youll probably enjoy it

the poppy war by r f kuang. interesting bc it initially feels like a historical fantasy novel with a young protagonist going to a magic school and overcoming the odds slash beating the evil enemy story thats been done one billion times. but it is DEEPLY not that. takes the conventions of the genre and kind of refuses to make them reducible or easy to package. deals with war (read the warnings etc). deals with genocide. deals with race. wrestles with the ethics of all of its characters and comes down with some nuance. kind of a slay

and then here's some all time faves that are just GOOD and im reasonably sure anyone would have a good time with:

jane eyre. i have quoted this enough on this blog cmon. also if youre following me youre probably a fan of fucked up relationships so you should go. be with the OG. fly. like its foundational to the GENRE babyyyy

dracula. yayyyyy epistolary novelssss... another "fun" classic along with dorian gray... read em both they slap

the book thief. took me a year to read. made me cry lots.

daisy jones and the six. look at me look AWAYYY from the amazon series look at ME. this is a fun book. and if you are in a reading slump i frankly HIGHLY recommend it bc it is done in the style of like. a documentary autopsy on a fleetwood mac esque band implosion so its told in 100% dialogue as if they are being interviewed. you can read it in a DAY and its FUN and sometimes they CONTRADICT each other which i LOVE

the queens thief by meghan whalen turner. GOD!!!!! all time. all time. straight relationships in fiction that make you crazyyyyyyy and also genuinely delightful twists at the end of each book i LOVED them. i read them all in the pandemic they slayyyy

howl's moving castle. delightful. if you like a silly time in a fantasy world that makes you laugh a lot i would recommend. also the sequel its fun

any terry pratchet novel thank you goodnight

#rapid fire ones: circe by madeline miller. piranesi by susanna clarke. the underground railroad by colson whitehead. the things they carried #also and i am beign so serious. if you have never read ella enchanted you should. it is fun.#callie speaks #asks #staring down my tbr and waiting for my brain to get better. torture.#next up is house of leaves. lfg.#the tonal whiplash on this list is so funny im realizing. 50% fun fantasy and 50% THE HORRORS OF WAR.

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eenadu-varthalu · 1 year

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Okay, review of Ponniyin Selvan 2 incoming (whether you like it or not) (and again, this is my personal opinion about the movie so please don’t kill me if you don’t agree).

I don’t know what to say. I really don’t. *proceeds to write essay*

Is it a good movie? Yes, hell yes, 100%

But will I be religiously rewatching this like I did part one? Maybe not.

Part 2 is a different vibe than part one. Like a complete script flip. It's a different movie (I guess one can figure that out from how different the album of the second movie is to the first). The drama (more like angst, ngl) amongst the characters is intensified while the story just seems to be something running in the background. We learn a lot more about some of the characters-- we see a different side to them: let it be the vulnerable side of Nandini or a more humanized form of Adhitha. Some of the prominent questions from part 1 are answered in part 2 (point to note: we are given the backstory of adhita and nandini which I think is a fantastic addition) but yeah I still don’t really know how to clearly explain this movie. It’s like one of those pieces of art that you have to see to cherish, to understand why people are going crazy about it.

There are moments that just make you want to go “what the actual hell” but there are others where you’re just sitting there, with your mouth wide open and/or tears welling up in your eyes. And it does not help that oftentimes this movie becomes a pendulum between these feelings.

The acting and the actors are a saving grace. Everyone is PERFECTLY cast and the scenes are such that even if there is a small hiccup, it's going to look like a big joke. The chemistry the cast has with each other is insane. Off the charts. (and I'm coining this right now, Chiyan Vikram, Aishwarya Rai, and Karthi are going to SWEEP all the awards). The scenes between the lovers, let it be kundavai and vanthiyadevan or nandini and adhitha is some of the best acting I have seen.

The music is also another savior in disguise. Let it be the first 10 minutes of the movie with the three songs back to back, or let it be using Veera Raja Veera on three separate occasions to highlight three different moments in the movie-- Rahman really killed it with this one (although I am a bit disappointed that NONE of the songs were used in their entirety— someone pull the editor out of the editing room asap).

The cinematography? *chefs kiss* Give Ravi Varman a National Award right now.

I think the most disappointing aspect for me is that Mani sir was never really given the chance to fully explore the characters, the themes, the subplots, or just the book in general. Don’t get me wrong, this is one of the most genuine book-to-movie adaptations I’ve seen and although Mani Ratnam was insistent that Ponniyin Selvan is something that truly deserves to be on the big screen, I think it would’ve worked absolute wonders if it were a series. I would totally not be opposed to a director's cut (trust me I will watch it even if it ends up being a seven-hour movie) if it gives us an opportunity to see Mani sir's strengths and the usual magic in his other films shine through more because the restriction of time is taken out.

#ponniyin selvan #ps2 #mani ratnam #ar rahman #karthi #chiyaan vikram #jayam ravi #trisha #aishwariya rai bachchan #aishwarya lekshmi #shobita dhulipala

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getblackout503 · 14 hours

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Here’s chapter 11, next chapter will be the last flash back chapter before we go back to the main story.

TW: mention of abuse, some mention of gore

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The penthouse was more than Amara could ever imagine, it was huge with the softest sofas she could ever dream of. Not to mention the view of the city it gave her, and as she looked around the place in wonder Dante just watched her with a smile on his face. Amara continued walking around the penthouse. She sat on the soft couch, her hands landed on the remote, turning the television on. She jumped from the surprise but soon found herself enthralled by what was on the television.

“S-sir-I mean Dante,” She started. “What is this show?”

“That is what they call a musical dear” He told her. “I believe this is the musical called Six, based off the wives of Henry the eighth”

She looked back to the screen and watched with amazement.

‘Died’

‘Jane seymour, the one he truly loved’

‘Rude’

‘When my son was newly borned, I died but I’m not what I seem, or am I? Stick around, and you’ll suddenly see more’

“Maybe I should take you to see one, you seem to enjoy them” Dante suggested .

“Really?”

“Of course my dear, anything for you” He caressed her cheek gently.

“Dante! We’re home” Amara heard a woman's voice yell out, and she turned to see Vanica Zogratis, the huntress and sadistic sister of Dante. “Oh and what do we have here?”

Amara felt a bit nervous because of the woman and her glare, but Dante made sure she would be fine by answering for her.

“Vanica, this is Amara she is going to be my woman,” He placed his hand on Amara’s shoulder. “She is going to be your new sister in law” He told his sister, who only gave a terrifying smile to the blue haired lady.

“Well, welcome the family then Sis.” She said in a very dangerous tone, but she left to her room nonetheless.

“Sorry if she scared you a bit,” Dante rubbed her back. “She can get that way at times, but she shouldn’t try anything on you”

“T-Thank you Dante, f-for saving me,” Amara told him. “I don’t know how to repay you”

“Don’t worry dear, you alone are enough payment” He told her, and while she didn’t know at the time he meant more than what he said.

Amara would soon meet Dante’s other sibling, his brother Zenon who didn’t show much emotions but sometimes he and Amara would have a cup of coffee together. Though he tended to be on business trips most if not all of the time, she also got to learn about their eldest brother, Lucius Zogratis who sadly passed away in a horrible accident. Most of Amara’s days would be spent seeing what she can do around the house to help when Dante wasn’t around, oftentimes she would spend time with Vanica though they usually ended with Vanica almost stabbing Amara and telling her all kinds of horrible things with a very crazy and love sick tone. Like the time she said she wanted to know what Amara’s guts looked like, since then she has kept her distance from the one eyed woman.

But Amara’s favorite pastime by far was that of watching musicals, and Dante knew that so he would take her to many different ones such as Hamilton, Newsies, Beetlejuice, and The Addams family. Each one filled her with wonder, the music, choreography, the energy it was all so incredible. Yet something with Dante felt off, at times when they were out in public he would stare at family and watch as the parents would laugh and hold their children with such joy and Amara knew why that was, he wanted a kid, Amara didn’t know if she was ready for a child but the more she thought of it the more she convinced herself it would be a great way to repay Dante for saving her. So one day when her and Dante were alone she brought up the topic.

“Dante?” Amara started.

“Yes dear?” Dante responded, he was seated next to her on the sofa.

“I’ve decided something”

“That being?”

“I believe it’s time I really start repaying you back” She declared.

“In what way?” He was curious now.

“It’s time we’ve had a child of our own” Amara said, and Dante was a bit taken aback but with a smirk on his face.

“Very well my dear, just be ready for the time of your life” And so began the long period of them trying to conceive a child, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and soon a year had passed, yet no child. Soon Amara started getting worried because Dante started getting aggravated with all their attempts, so much so that during their sessions he would get aggressive and rough even when she told him she didn’t like it, but he continued his aggressive actions nonetheless. Not the mention that their normal everyday life started getting worse, he would grow more frustrated with her, snapping at her for little things whether that be not wearing the clothes he chose for her, not making his coffee the way he liked it, and worst of all slapping Amara when she had refused to sleep with him one day. Never once has he hit her and sadly it wouldn’t be the last, she had to be careful with what she did, say, or even not do. And it didn’t help how his siblings started acting around her, Zenon would no longer drink coffee with her and even allowed Dante to do horrible things to her, and Vanica only upped her terrifying threats even being able to do some of them, on the account of Dante punishing Amara for nothing.

It would all only get worse when one day Dante had forced Amara to get a check up to see why they weren’t having any children, and what she was told would be the final straw for Dante. She was infertile, that’s the last thing she wanted to hear not because it devastated her but because Dante would no longer treat her like a human, no, he would treat her as a play thing, a toy to mess with, just his slave. It had been three years since Dante had saved…no…took her, and one year since her infertility was discovered, and her life has never been the same, she never went out again, never seen musicals, never even given basic human rights. She was to never be human again, destined to be a slave to a cruel man, who as she had learned was the owner of the very organization her stepmother had sold her to, and she was powerless to do anything, except escape. It wouldn’t be easy but she had too, but she had only one shot because she had studied the Zogratis family’s routine, and she had spotted her opportunity for each sunday night they would all go drink at their personal bar, in which Dante would lock Amara in their room. If she managed to unlock the door and escape then she would be free but she had one problem, if she did escape she would be hunted by them, never to know peace but luckily she had thought of that and it was brilliant, fake her own death. Simple really, she would steal one of their cars to make sure they see her but as she drives away crash the car and hope she actually survives it, simple…right?

Nonetheless she had to try, so when Sunday came she put her plan into action. Once she had confirmed they had left she picked the lock of the door using a bobby pin, sneaking through the place was pretty simple as she had marked secret passages she could use. Making her way down to the garage she chose a car she could speed up and jump out of easily, for her plan involved blowing said car up on impact so as to make it look like her body didn’t survive.

Breath in breath out.

The car started.

Breath in breath out.

She drove by the Zogratis.

Breath in breath out.

She started hitting 90 MPH.

Breath in.

She started going towards a light post.

OUT!!!!!

She jumped out of the car in time as it collided with the light post, igniting in flames as Amara ran as fast and as far as she could.

As she ran and ran Amara wondered where to go next, she soon collapsed in an alleyway, back at square one.

Alone…

“Hey kid, you good?”

#black clover #gauche adlai #grey black clover #greyche #black clover grey #gauche black clover #grey x gauche #gauche x grey #black clover gauche #spy au #dante zogratis #zenon zogratis #vanica zogratis #six the musical

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ghostwritermia · 23 hours

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Songbird Chapter 1

please check warnings from main story masterlist before continuing

There is a day that happens once every year that some fear. That day is Conscription Day. The deadliest day of the year. The day that many dread. I, however, am not one of the majority. I am sorted into the minority where we look forward to getting to leave home and go ride a fucking dragon. It leaves me to wonder if that is why the sunrise is extra vibrant today — maybe it's because for some, it is going to be their very last sunrise. I sigh, willing my confidence to remain.

I close my eyes, tightening my grip on my canvas rucksack and duck my head; heading into my father’s office. I quickly glance to the right, seeing Violet shut the door behind her, heading into her mother’s office.

I roll my neck before entering my father’s office. Violet and I had grown up side by side; our parents being generals. Violet’s so-called mother had declared that it would be super smart to send her daughter that has had zero training into the Rider’s Quadrant. I, on the other hand, have been training since I was six years old. Thank you to my father.

I take one more deep breath, shoving all my hatred down and knock thrice before entering General Aesira’s office. Avoiding eye contact, an art I picked up on a long time ago, I glance out the large windows, seeing the gates and thousands of people in the age range of eighteen to twenty. I watch closely as their families gather around them; wishing them farewells and safety. I watch as tears fall from those who either have no hope of their loved ones returning to them or those that are simply sad to say goodbye to a family member for a year. I wonder what that is like.

Sometimes I get stuck in my mind and wonder that maybe if people had just a little more faith in each other, then maybe, just maybe, more might survive to graduation. Basgiath War College. A very fun place. The very fun, I promise, place that'll be considered my home for the next few years. That is if I don't die. Which I won't. But still.

Basgiath isn’t exactly known for being kind to its students. To anyone, really, even if you happen to have a parent in command; even if I wish I didn’t.

Every Navarrian officer, whether they choose to train to become a healer, scribe, like Violet was going to be, or a rider. They'll be molded into weapons over three very long years to protect the mountainous borders. Standards are set ridiculously high, and I oftentimes wonder if my mom were still alive if things would be different. Afterall, that's what she was fighting for. More freedom; the exact opposite of my father.

Hearing my father, oh, wait, sorry, General Aesira clear his throat, I look over to where his judgmental, little, beady eyes were staring me down. I know it's harsh, but my fath- General Aesira isn't exactly a kind-hearted, loving dad. He is the definition of cold-hearted.

"You will survive, you will not disappoint our family name and you absolutely will not let Violet die." General Aesira demands as he neatens out the stack of papers sitting in front of him. Oh, yea, that's another thing. He has always tended to care about Violet more than me. Weird right? Maybe to everyone else, but never to me. For I got used to it many years ago.

I look down and pick at the dried paint on my fingers. "Yes, General Aesira."

"You're dismissed." I hold back a scoff and an eye roll. Asshole.

I nod and turn around, open the door, and exit the office. Looking up from the ground, I see Mira and Violet waiting for me. Violet flashes me a look of sympathy, which I return. Understanding is something that Violet and I have always had. Two people cut from the same cloth. That cloth being crappy parental figures who shouldn’t be allowed to be parents.

"She's batshit crazy," Mira says once she's in the center of the hallway, Violet on her left, me on her right, and a guard on each side of the hallway.

"They'll tell her you said that." My eyes drift to glance at Violet as she says that and I roll my eyes.

"Violet, please. They could care less, because they agree. They probably think my dad is too." I knock my shoulder into hers as we continue down the hallway.

Mira nods in my direction agreeing with me. "Let's go. We only have an hour before all candidates have to report, and I saw thousands waiting outside the gates when I flew over." She starts walking, leading us back down the stone staircase we had literally just walked up like fifteen minutes ago. Then through the hallways and into Violet's room.

Or, what was her room. Mine was right across the hallway. I take a look around Violet's room to see almost everything picked up and packed away into crates. The same way mine was. Not that it ever had much in it. I looked over to see Violet with her eyebrows furrowed and her lips curved down into a frown. I reach over and squeeze her hand, and she glances back at me, her smile returning.

"She's fucking efficient, I'll give you that," Mira mutters before turning to face us, her gaze assessing every detail of Violet and then jumping and doing the same to me, then back to Violet. "I was hoping I'd be able to talk her out of it. You weren't meant for the Rider's Quadrant."

"So you've mentioned." Violet turns to her. "Repeatedly."

"You'll be fine, Vi." I encourage, while directing a pointed look towards Mira.

"Sorry." She winces, dropping to the ground and emptying her pack.

"What are you doing?"

"M?" Violet and I ask simultaneously.

"What Brennan did for me," She says softly, as a wave of fresh grief creeps in from the back of my mind. Mira turns towards me, "And what Knox would've done for you." And, here arrives a much stronger, bigger wave of grief. "Can either of you two use a sword?"

Violet shakes her head as I nod mine. "It's my quickest weapon, daggers are a close second."

"They're too heavy for me. I'm pretty quick with the daggers, though." She's right, she's fast with daggers. I love her to death, but she's not very strong, so she makes up for some of that with speed. I had been training my whole life, so I had been building up both my strength and speed.

"Good. Now drop your packs, and Violet take off those horrible boots." Mira sorts through her bag and pulls out a pair of riding boots. She handed over a black uniform and the boots to Violet. "Put these on."

"Woah. Why?" I ask skeptically, as Violet drops hers. Mira quickly opens it and starts to pull everything out.

"Mira! That took me all night!"

Mira paused what she was doing, "You're carrying way too much, and your boots are a death trap. You'll slip right off the parapet with those smooth soles. I had a set of rubber-bottomed rider boots made for you, like Wren's, just in case, and this my dear Violet, is the worst case." Books start flying across the room again, landing in the vicinity of the crates, stacked in the corner.

Violet starts protesting as Mira continues, and dismisses her. "Dad gave this one to me." Violet murmurs, pressing the book against her chest. I gently pulled it from her grip and slipped it into my pack.

"What's this one for?" Mira asks, pulling another book out. "Killing people." Mira nods in approval, and places the book back into the newly repacked rucksack. "Now get changed, while I sort through Wren's."

"Hey! What's wrong with mine?" I question as Mira pulls open my pack. Mira grabs another black uniform and hands it to me. "Change with Violet, we'll talk about what you can and cannot take, after you get changed."

I sighed, knowing there was no fighting Mira on anything, and turned into the bathroom to change. Minutes later, Violet and I walked out of the bathroom to find Violet's pack fully ready to go, and mine laying open with my stuff in neat piles on Vi's old bed.

"Okay, I packed all of the stuff you will absolutely need. If, and only if, you are positive that your art stuff and Vi's book won't risk your life, I will allow you to pack them." Mira gave me a pointed look, telling me I probably should leave them behind, but art is the only thing that kept me alive in all my twenty years of life having to live with my father.

"I can carry it. Mira, please?" My voice breaks at the end of my plea. "Knox gave me that sketch pad." She nodded her head, carefully stacking the art supplies on top of the necessities.

"Alright, since you two refused to cut your hair, we're going to do something about it. Violet sit down," Mira pointed to the spot on the floor in front of her. "Wren, you're next."

While Mira started to braid Violet's hair, I took time to notice the strange material of the uniforms she had given us. "Hey, M?" Mira looked up from the braid and arched an eyebrow. "What's this made of?"

"Teine's scales are sewn in." Violet and I nodded as the room fell back into comfortable silence, until another question popped up in my head. "Wait. How? Teine is huge."

"I happen to know a rider whose powers can make big things very small." A devious smile plays across her lips. "And smaller things...much, much bigger." Violet rolls her eyes as I raise a suggestive brow, "Mira, you dirty, dirty, dragon rider." I shake my head in faux disappointment.

"You two are absolute children." Violet chides in.

"We know." We chirp happily at the same time.

Mira tugs Violet's hair up into a crown, and clips it in, then pats her shoulder, signaling for her to get up. She then grabs my hand and pulls me down in front of her, and starts to comb through my reflective, white hair. I melt back towards her frame, taking in all the familiar comfort that I can, before I have to leave it behind for three years. Three long, tortuous years.

Mira weaves my long strands of snowy hair into a long braid and tugged on it playfully. "Do you want to leave it up or down girly?"

"Down, please." Mira tugs it once more, as stray baby hairs fall loose, framing my face. I roll onto my knees and stand up beside Violet.

"If you two can, I need you to sleep in the corsets. Just because it's against the codex, doesn't mean all rider's and cadets will abide by it." She states as she taps a finger against each of our stomachs.

"Isn't rider black supposed to be earned?" Violet questions.

"Vi, you can't risk having loose clothing on the windy parapet, and we're gonna need every advantage we can get in there." I speak, as I turn her to face me.

Mira turns towards Violet. "Keep your daggers on you at all times." She grabs a few daggers out of her bag and slides them into the sheaths on her ribs and thighs. She then turns to me. "Keep at least one dagger under your pillow at night, keep all your weapons on you during the day." She picks up my sword off the mattress and slides it into the sheath on my back, and grabs the daggers from my bag and puts them in their places at my thighs and ribs.

"Keep the sword on your back for the parapet. Once you get there you can move it to the sheath at your hip, but it's be better for balance on your back." I nod as Mira slides the last dagger into its sheath.

The bell chimes, signaling that we only have thirty minutes left and Violet and I grab our packs, and Mira leads us towards the courtyard. Just before we get into the public view, Mira grabs my hand and pulls me into a tight hug.

"I know I'm not your sister by blood, but you are my sister. Do you understand?" I nod and sway us from side to side. "Knox would be so proud." I squeeze her tighter. "You've become an amazing person, despite your dad's harsh methods. And hey I almost forgot. Here." She passes me a small canister.

"I know. I know he would be. He loved you. I want you to know that." I grab a hold of the canister. "And thank you for this."

"I do. And you're welcome." Mira nods. "I need you to promise me one thing, Wrenley." I look up, so we're looking eye to eye. "I need you to promise me that if it's you or Violet, you choose yourself. I know your dad sets horrible standards and makes you feel less of yourself, but you are just as important as she is."

"I promise. Now go hug your other sibling, I'll be okay." Mira kisses the top of my head before walking over to Violet and pulling her into a hug. Knowing that Mira can get Vi to the parapet, I leave them to have their moment, not wanting to intrude.

I walk up, and get into line to sign in. There's a blonde in front of me, and a few minutes later a guy with curly hair steps into line behind me.

"Alright, who's first?" a voice calls out from behind the wooden table. The blonde in front of me signs his name. "Next," I pick up a quill and sign my name. "Wrenley Aesira?" I look up from the roll. "That would be me." I nod. "Good luck in there." Captain Fitzgibbons wishes as I step onto the first step on my climb up to the parapet.

"You guys ready to risk your lives?" The guy from behind me asks, following with a low chuckle. The blonde from in front turned his head around and looked at me questioningly, wondering if he was talking to us.

I shrug, and respond anyway. "I've been waiting for the chance to risk my life since I turned fifteen." Dark humor is just a lovely thing, is it not?

That gets a laugh from the guy behind me and a concerned glance from the one in front of me. "I didn't really get a choice." It's only then that I notice the rebellion relic, climbing up his arm.

"I'm Liam. Liam Mairi." He turns around and starts climbing the stairs backwards, so we could have a proper conversation.

"Ridoc." The brunette from behind me calls out with a large smile on his face.

They both turn and look at me expectedly. "Wrenley Aesira. You can call me Wren though."

"Aesira?" Ridoc asked with a raised brow. "Unfortunately." I mutter only loud enough for them to hear. Liam gave Ridoc a pointed look telling him not to push any further.

Behind me Ridoc groans. "How many steps are there?" Liam and I laugh, and answer at the same time. "Two hundred and fifty."

"Great, I'm stuck with know-it-all's." Ridoc rolls his eyes as I stick my middle finger towards him, and Liam laughs loudly.

As we reach the top of the stairs I see three Riders standing at the entrance, which is literally just a gaping hole in the wall of the turret. One is recording names, another is starting to instruct Liam, and the third...he looks in my direction and I swear my heart skips a beat.

He's tall, at least a foot and a half, taller than me, if not more. He has wavy black hair, the opposite color of mine, and dark brows. He has a strong jawline that was covered in dark stubble. When he folds his arms you can see the noticeable muscles as his chest and arms flex. His eyes are a color that I've never seen before, they're a dark onyx with little gold reflections scattered across them. He looks like someone ripped him out of a page in my sketchbook.

Liam calls out, snapping me out of my trance. "See you on the other side, Wren, and Ridoc." He gave one last wave, before stepping out onto the windy parapet.

"Ready for the next one Riorson?" the rider that was recording names says.

Riorson? As in Xaden Riorson. There are a few very outstanding perks here. One, imagine if we became buddies, that would be something to tick my father off with. Two, he's way hotter than any natural person.

"Good luck, Aesira." Ridoc slaps my back.

Riorson's gaze snapped to mine, turning fully towards me. His rebellion relic swirls from his left wrist, up under his sleeve and appears again at his collar, where it twists and turns again up his neck, and ends at his jawline. It was similar to Liam's but Liam's wasn't as bold.

His eyes narrow and he takes a step forward. And I have to look up to make eye contact, which leads me to question the earlier height difference I had calculated.

"Aesira?"

Gods, I only reach his collarbone, he's massive. He has to be at least a few inches taller than six feet.

I nod once, confirming. The color in his eyes freeze over in hatred, which is completely understandable. "You're General Aesira's youngest." His voice was deep, and full of accusation.

"Ding, ding, ding, you are correct. And you, my friend, are Fen Riorson's son." I counter, lacing my voice in sarcasm. I arch my left eyebrow and tilt my head to the right.

He could very well pluck me off the ground and toss me over the edge like a sack of potatoes, but that doesn't mean I won't put up a good fight. Xaden sucks in a breath and the muscle in his jaw ticks, not once but twice, cause why not be extra? Is the big bad wolf turning into a drama queen?

"Your father captured mine and oversaw his execution."

Hold up. Is he really acting like his father didn't kill my brother? I'm not gonna let that slide. "Yeah, and your dear old dad, killed my brother, so you're not the only one who gets to act all mean and mad."

I nodded, "So, if you're not going to kill me, I'm just going to hop, skip and jump along the parapet and possibly die." I take long strides until I'm on the parapet and turn around and salute him before turning once again, and beginning the venture, that is the parapet.

#xaden riorson #xaden riorson x oc #wrenley aesira #fourth wing fanfic #iron flame

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ina-nis · 4 months

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I was reading this morning about all the ways people reach out to others, and how they might come off as "needy" because of that, but that intensity comes from people being literally starved from love and connection, so, of course, they will come on strong and, of course, that might look very scary and intimidating too.

Some people commented about how much "that's codependency" and trauma and that no one has to put up with that. That these "needy" people have to find it within themselves that connection they're starving for and leave other people alone, because these "needy" people are a danger to themselves and to others.

And here I'm thinking: "how is that codependent?" Am I going crazy?

I'm one of many examples of people who put on the work, in therapy, with self-improvement and self-love, with building and maintaining a self-esteem and I still have this deep need to connect with others, that I could not ever fulfill by myself.

Yes, I'm aware and expect I might come at others very strongly because, yes, I am very starved for love and connection. That doesn't make me codependent or disordered.

You don't tell a person who's have not eaten for days, finally getting proper food, eating it sloppily and too fast, how they have an eating disorder and have to control themselves. You let them eat. There's very high chances starvation has gave them an eating disorder actually! The act of eating is a human need, if you deprive a human from proper, nutritious food, they'll get by with whatever they can get. They will be likely sickly, and they will not look "proper."

Obviously, a need to connection is not comparable to hunger on any degree, but it is, too, a need nonetheless.

These people who think you can solve these deep wounds, trauma and disconnection with therapy and self-love do not know what they're talking about. They either have not experienced it, or if/when they did, they might have developed, perhaps, a misguided (and highly individualistic) way of looking at it.

You can't heal social disconnection, lack of love and a nonexistent support system through therapy and self-love. These are some of the first, very important, steps one could take, but they alone cannot fulfill that role.

For many, such as myself, that's a space only other people can fill.

It's ironic when they keep on deflecting and projecting, still saying things like how much "you just need to be deeply connected to yourself," only then you'll be able to connect with others. It reeks of that same narrative that says "you can't love others without loving yourself:" where the interpersonal relationships rely on an arbitrary "fixing" of oneself.

What happens when you can't fix that? And oftentimes you really cannot, since most mental illnesses don't have a cure. Are you supposed to keep on walking this healing path, this journey of self-betterment on your own? Because only in the end you shall meet other people and have a healthy relationship with them?

I don't know. In my eyes, it's like people are telling me I just need to love myself more and that will fill (or rather, "fix") my need to connect with other people, just because I'm starved for connection and that might come off as "disordered" to others.

It shows a lack of understanding and compassion. A bitter ignorance of the implications of connections, at least if feels that way for me.

#loneliness #romantic love #inanis post

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jayextee · 1 month

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Wonder Boy in Monster World (Master System)

Aw, look. It's cute! Often whenever I play a SEGA Master System version of a Megadrive game around my partner, he says humorously-condescendingly "it's trying!" and, well. Often I see that.

Way back in the early 2000's when I had a stint of SMS game collection, this one remained something of an enigma to me for the most part. I loved the Megadrive original, so coming to a pared-down experience initially left a bad taste in my mouth. Sure, it looked pretty similar - but at what cost? Collision boxes seemed to be janky as hell, music restarted whenever entering not just a new area but a new sub-area or room. No, I can't. And I didn't, until I sold my collection because a poor unemployed undiagnosed autistic sometimes needs to do crazy things like that when money's tough.

Cue recent times and I have somehow ended up on one of my yearly Wonder Boy kicks and, yes, okay. There's this version I never really gave a chance so now is the time. After all, I'd happened on some YouTube comments somewhere that had people celebrating this cherished part of their childhood -- and who am I of all people to argue with childhoods?

So it turns out my past self wasn't wrong, the collisions on these things are absolutely abysmal. Oftentimes I'd even trade damage with enemies in a bizarre rhythm of I attack > they die > my attack animation finished > I take damage. Doesn't help that the sword graphic never differs from that 3 inch butter knife you start the game with on the Megadrive version, it's kinda difficult to call.

But that's not all! I'd had an inkling that some stuff would be missing from this version because, well, it is for a lesser console than the mighty GOAT itself the Megadrive. Warning bells in the first dungeon as there's no fairy companion to help out, and the boss doesn't have miniature versions of itself as minions. It just kinda shuffles back and forth in a set distance range, making it incredibly easy to find the extremes of this range and beat it damage-free.

That's far from the only omission. No ladder boots, trident can't spin, certain background tunes are missing (muh precious Labyrinth of No End amongst them!), no riddle of the Sphinx because he's replaced with the Tyrant Dragon; and to that end the volcano section is completely and utterly missing!

Ice area has no dungeon, just straight to the boss, sky castle isn't a labyrinth and the final dungeon only rushes two bosses in the boss rush. To say there's only half the content here would be a touch unfair, but there's definitely less than half of the experience. This isn't Wonder Boy in Monster World, it's a digest version with a lot of the best bits snipped out; leaving naught but a callow, whimpering, spineless husk of what once was. Curious about this? Play the Megadrive version. Finished that and still curious? Play the Megadrive version again.

The Master System has three great Wonder Boy games, which are some of the best games for the system. And then, it has this insult.

2/5

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cleothelittlerockstar · 7 months

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Who is your bigest fan?

Oh! Actually I think my best fan, as in the support department is @iam-the-real-batman !

She always comments on my stuff and reblogs it to show support and it genuinely means a lot ^^

(Also oftentimes it just made my day better by seeing her notif pop up on my Tumblr)

But also, now I am going to go car salesman time:

GO FOLLOW HER AND HER BLOG IT IS AWESOMEEEE

[It is bat-shit crazy and I love it]

[... Yes I am proud of that pun]

#anon asks #personal stuff #<3

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sunlitmcgee · 2 years

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gimme c!bench outfits. shitty pinterest screenies included.

*sighs, straps on my goggles and readies my little rucksack* god Damit back to the flashbang web site(/j /lh)

okay...so first c!tommy is in this because pink his is color and he likes to be very pretty. it's red just a wee bit softer.

I also see him in these. He can still fight in heels becaz he is my little darling badass.

I like this one a lot, it'd look very big on him and he'd be rather toasty VVV

If we wanna go for something a bit more classic I can see him in stuff like these. t-shirts. comfy and cute shit.

In my mind he got that second to last one from Tubbo. Who speaking of, he is my little silly edgy grunge, who tries so hard to make himself look big and tough and scary, but is still a sweetie at heart and oftentimes ends up coming short of it. he has a lotta leather jackets.

he modified some of them to make them really spikey so he looks Extra Big And Scary

with this one he went a bit crazy

yeah. he also wears this stuff UNDER the spikes because he is still. simply just a little goat baby.

like to think of him in this one when he's in the lab. no sleeves, good for tinker work VVV

He's a sweet little boy who is forced to be tough. He loves bees. and his little blue overalls. he is such a little sweetie under all that terrified toughness.

C!Ranboo is pretty obvious. He a fancy boy, a little dapper man. I see him in his suits and his little tuxs. I also see him in baggy hoodies that he has to order in ++++L size just to fit him because he's so damn tall and with such a gangly slender frame.

^^this one was a gift from tommy. tommy sews and makes him lots of perfect fit sweaters.

ALSO VESTS!! i love when artwork has c!ranboo in a vest,,,,he looks so pretty.

this next one looks more like something for o!Ranboo coz of the fem body shape but EH C!RANBOO COULD WORK IT I HAVE FAITH IN HIM!!!

and also I think that thisw ould be his wedding ddress just with bigger sleeves and the skirt more poofy. like black and white roses that trail along behind him. and with a bridal veil. a and he alive in it and happy.

BUT YEA THAT'S THE OUTFITS. FROM THE PINTERESTS. YES. MMMMMMMMM FLASHBANGED LOOKIN FOR CLOTHES FOR MY BOYS, MHM, I AM. FUNCTIONAL, YES(/j)

#'long post'#dream smp #ask #c!benchtrio #c!ranboo #c!tommy #c!tubbo #tw sharp objects #for the spikes on Tubbo's bits #they are very very pointy

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happysadyoyo · 2 years

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So, as y’all know, back at the start of April, I made a video talking about a situation that I was involved with that including some incredibly uncomfortable topics that, for lack of a better word, triggered memories of when I was an absolute piece of shit to people.

Since then, the video has been seen by the instigator of the whole kerfuffle that led me to that situation to start with. He reblogged a link to the video that, even when I unlisted it due to being told that I had included his url, was spread around his supporters.

This little nothing video that had 39 views ballooned to nearly 300 after it was unlisted.

It was a 20 minute video, so of course I don’t expect many people to have listened all the way through. So I decided after I gave it a listen through and learned I had not actually mentioned his URL or done the other things he claimed I did, that I would transcribe the video and eventually release the transcription if I deemed it appropriate.

Well, Morg decided he wanted to claim it was because of him that Luke has left tumblr for the foreseeable future. And he continues to make baseless claims that other people were involved in the video or support me in any way because of the video.

So here’s the transcript on a Google Doc.

And here’s the transcript under a cut as well, just for people who don’t like clicking off. It’s a little under 3000 words long, and I tried to maintain the cadence as much as I could through word. I did not include cat or dog noises or my own laughter regarding said noises.

And yes, I’m adding this to the same tag I’ve been compiling since mid-May.

Hello everyone and welcome back to my channel. Yes, I am actually back this time, not trying to record one handed while trying to take off a respirator. Nettle’s mad because I took her toy. Um… there’s so much to update you all on. It’s been crazy; the entire month of March felt like it went by in a flash. And now I’m 29. But… I will do that on a different date. Today I wanted to talk about some stuff that went down on tumblr, and how it affected me a lot more than I thought it would.

So… to start with y’all know that I talk about transandrophobia a lot, and it’s a conversation that happens – it’s a conversation that happens oftentimes on tumblr. Because reddit is its own hellhole and twitter I’m not touching with a 50 foot pole. For now, at least. Let me get used to tumblr again. So we have that, and I followed a bunch of people. And there’s one person in particular who is called Morg, and he has very interesting ways of expressing himself. It’s very harsh, violent, kinda not what I’m wanting to do, and I’ll get into that later. That sort of thing. And he would get anons who would criticize him, and he would get reblogs derailing his posts and that sort of thing. And he’s also crippled. So he spends a lot of time talking about crippled people and transmasculine people and crippled transmascs, that sort of thing.

And people would derail his posts with neurodivergency, and he would get salty about that and lash out at anons coming into his space talking about how, uh… physically disabled people are a lot more seen versus mental disabled people. And all that is super understandable. It’s his blog, his space, he’s allowed to react to how he wants to.

Where I started getting uncomfortable is he would start haras – not harassing, but he started making posts about this sort of thing where he started blaming all mentally disabled people and neurodivergent people for the behavior of a very select few. And he was being very violent about it, which made me uncomfortable and eventually followed. And I made my own post – and I need to mention: he did not follow me, I did not tag this, any of that – where I just talked about how this was making me uncomfortable and seeing a physically and mentally disabled person disparaging mentally disabled just harms the disabled community as a whole.

Very, very much like how the trans women versus trans men dis – debacle ends up hurting the community as a whole instead of uniting us. So… it felt very relevant to me, and that post surprisingly blew up a bit with a lot of pushback. A lot of people basically saying what I was saying but they didn’t like the way I framed it so… They did not want to acknowledge that we were speaking the same language. And this blew up really, really big. A lot of people going back and forth; it started bringing into question the word cripple itself and the cripplepunk movement. I’ll talk about that in a moment. [I don’t] And it ended with Morg going into someone else’s asks and someone else’s DMs – multiple people – saying I hope you’re happy you won.

And I need to mention: I unfollowed him, and I made this post, and I did not look at his blog again until I saw him post this sorta suicide bait ask in someone else’s ask box. And I did that because I followed him long enough to see him go through a suicide attempt and get put into psychiatric care for about 18 days. I knew his personality enough that I knew that whatever he was posting that it’d be hurtful. I didn’t want to make anymore posts that were even vaguely about him. I’d already gotten into an argument with someone and got called a racist because there was a huge misunderstanding, and they ended up apologizing but we’re still not following each other for a variety of reasons.

But… the suicide baiting ask, and I was like. Great. I know exactly what that is. And this is where I’m going to leave for a bit and talk about myself because… that behavior that I saw in the behavior I saw him displaying afterwards is basically textbook what I did to my friend Sam. And I essentially gave Sam PTSD because there’s still times to this day where he reacts and he thinks I’m gonna do something when I do not.

And that – it is basically a maladaptive coping mechanism where you are being passive aggressive, and you are in pain and it’s very valid pain, be it physical, mental, some combination of both. But you feel like you are alone, and you are lashing out at people because you can’t win. And… everything feels like it was up against you it was your last thing and now you’re just. Cool. Fuck myself, I’m going to kill myself, and I hope all of you regret it.

And this is important to me to talk about because… like I said. I did that. Um… but also, it kinda feeds into some of this pop culture stuff we’ve talked about like 13 Reasons Why. There was a huge hubbub about how in 13 Reasons Why they showed the suicide, that sort of thing. I read the book. I didn’t watch the series because by the time the series came out I had realized that the book was not that great, but it did bring out a lot of discourse that I feel like is important around the idea of suicide.

That being mostly – and this ties back into Morg I swear to god… Um… how you depict suicide is very important. When you have a character who is suicidal and they commit suicide and afterwards, like in 13 Reasons Why, she makes… Okay

If you don’t know what 13 Reasons Why is, it was originally a book, then turned into a Netflix series We’re going to ignore the Netflix series. The book, the character Hannah Baker kills herself, and she leaves 13 tapes behind to be delivered to 13 different people that she blames for her suicide. And this book sorta shows Hannah getting her comeuppance to these people that hurt her.

Why is this a bad thing? Because this book was written for teens, and the Netflix series came out and it was mostly directed towards teens. And there is an established: the more suicide is depicted in a certain way the higher rate of suicide there is. Especially with teens who are very gullible – I apologize. Dory is now acting weird.

Um… and… In 13 Reasons Why in particular because it’s showing Hannah sort of getting her comeuppance, you kinda can instill the idea in people’s brains that “hey if I die I’m going to be able to hurt the people that have been hurting me. And show them that they’re the ones at fault.” Which is not true. What happens if you do commit suicide is you hurt the people that loved you and no one else gives a shit. That’s it.

And… the people that love you may not even grieve as much as you want them to. Or it may not affect them the way you want it to because you can’t control how other people react in their grief. They may not care. They may then go on to hurt themselves. The people that you don’t want to hurt get hurt.

And this ties back into Morg’s behavior because um… after he sent the DMs and the asks I did go onto his blog to see what was going on, to see if he was actually – if he was okay. And he was liveblogging his suicide to a, I assume, semi-substantial number of followers. Because he’s constantly getting engagement, that sort of thing. And me having 300 people following me, I get sorta constant engagement but not nearly as much as he does. He’s a much bigger name in the game so – basically.

And… so he’s liveblogging his suicide and he’s getting people like “oh my god why are you doing this,” he’s getting suicide baiting anons telling him to do it. All of this stuff, and he’s… play – it – not – I don’t think it’s intentional. Because when I was doing it, it was not intentional. But he is aiming to hurt people, and he’s hurting the people that love him the most while the people that have already distanced themselves from him. Are… a lot of them are emotionally mature enough to realize that what he’s going through is not their fault and…

So he’s not hurting the people he wants to hurt. The people that he’s saying “hey you won,” they’re concerned, they don’t want this to happen, but it’s not in their control. And it doesn’t change their opinions on what they were saying.

He survived that attempt, and he then blew up at a lot of people who were openly concerned about him. They did not want him to do this, they thought that maybe he should take a break because it was clear that the people on tumblr were affecting him, and I wholeheartedly agree with them that… this was affecting him. And what he did, he then went and put down the people that were saying “I love you but please you have to take care of yourself. This is not healthy, this is manipulative. I know you’re not meaning to do it in this way but you are. Please take care of yourself.” And he said they never cared about him, “you wouldn’t care if I was gone,” that sort of thing.

It’s… it’s textbook manipulation. And I hate saying that sort of thing because again. I don’t think he’s doing this knowingly, rubbing his little greasy palms together and being like “hahaha, I’m going to make everyone hurt as much as I am. I think he’s just lashing out.

So… when I saw that behavior, I made a post. And he saw it. I didn’t use the correct wording. I said “apparent suicide” meaning “obvious suicide attempt.” But people can easily mistake that for “supposed” or “alleged.” I… own that. However, he then screenshotted that with pills, and that affected me very badly. To the point that I couldn’t sleep without my medication which, yes, I realize I struggle sleeping without my medication anyway, but I’m in the middle of a depressive episode. So… I should be able to sleep. Um, but I did not.

Because I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that this person is in such pain, and even though I don’t agree with how he’s handling things, I understand where he’s coming from. Because I am a person with anger issues – I have a very strong anger temper problem that I am actively working on. A big part of my not wanting to wish harm onto people, even people who wish harm to me is… me trying to control the anger that just. Bubbles up naturally.

I actually very badly hurt my sister a couple times as a teenager because of my anger problems. So – I’m working on it. I’m getting a lot better. I feel like I am, but seeing my screenshot with my blog and seeing those pills affected me a lot, and I had started making this video before. But I stopped. When that happened, I deleted everything and left it to the side because I didn’t want to talk about him explicitly.

And he was offline for an entire day. I was getting anons crowing about it, to the point where I turned off anon because it really was affecting me mentally. Even though I was not showing it online. I’m getting a lot better about kinda distancing myself from my online responses, which is good. You kinda need to do that. But I had to turn off anon because I was checking his blog too many times and nothing was changing and it was making me really concerned. And thankfully, a couple of days later, a friend of his came online and said “He’s alive. He’s focusing on his mental health,” and I cannot be more happy.

I have not looked at his blog since. I am assuming he’s still taking care of himself, and I’m hoping that he’s able to recover and realize how harmful his actions are as well as perhaps take a little more responsibility for his actions online. Because… the… liveblogging your suicidality, the outright lying about what other people are saying about you, the gaslighting of your own audience, to say “If you’re claiming that I need to go offline and get help in some shape or form, then you have never cared about me,” that sort of thing.

All of that… it’s toxic, it’s manipulative, it’s gaslighting – it’s like textbook. Not the gaslighting of “oh someone lied to me” or “oh…” whatever. You know. The terms gaslighting, triggered, that sort of thing is being taken way out of context to the point it doesn’t mean anything, but… he legitimately gaslit someone because the anon that I’m referring to mostly later on entered my ask box and was like “Thank you so much for what you said because he had convinced me that I was genuinely in the wrong and I was a bad person.”

Hi Puppy. She’s still upset I took her unicorn.

So that’s what I have to say about that. It’s just – I have a lot of mixed thoughts on stuff like Thirteen Reasons Why and how it does more harm than good. I also have mixed thoughts on the guideline to how show/talk about suicidality. Because I don’t think it is completely right. It kinda gives a very sanitized version and sometimes things are messy and things are difficult and you –

I wanna see that sort of stuff being reflected in the world and our pop culture. I also just want to see people with suicidality not necessarily winning at the end – or losing. I don’t necessarily want them to die. But I want to see that they are just like the rest of us where they are here, they are still here. They are struggling, and they found a person or a group of people that are helping or they have their dog or their plant – I’d love to see that sort of thing. But I definitely don’t think Thirteen Reasons Why is a good way of doing it, nor do I think Morg’s um way of handling his own depression and suicidality, as valid as it is, as valid as that pain is. I don’t think the way he’s using his platform is helpful to him or anyone else that’s following him.

And I know you can be like, “Well, you can just unfollow him” like I did. I ended up blocking him so, thankfully, I avoided any potential “Hey you won. I hope you’re happy” cause that would’ve fucked me up, but um… it’s not so easy for everyone. Because Morg is a person that a lot people care about, there’s a parasocial relationship there, and even I was subjected to it at some point because with his February attempt I did actually try to find out where he was. So that I could see if I could help get him resources or go there and just like physically be there because there’s never been any indication before this that he has a social circle outside of online that can help him.

Thankfully, the friend exists, so I am hoping that they keep ahold of the blog for awhile and he is really able to focus on centering himself.

Yeah, I have been wanting to talk about this for a bit anyway because it’s been on my mind and… I missed y’all. So why not start off with some stuff that could make people very angry with me? Or agree with me, as everything goes. That’s pretty much my life.

Um, but yeah. That’s about it from me. I am going to be trying to upload three days a week like I was planning on before March happened, and I will update y’all. I just read chapter 8 of Whipping Girl. It’s not as bad as the last chapter, I’ll give it for – I’ll give that to it. But… that’s it. If you’re wondering what’s happening in the background that’s Brier playing uh Pokemon Ar-kay-us, Ark-e-us, I don’t know. They’ve been wanting it for awhile and they got a bonus, so we were like “okay. Now buy the game”.

But yeah. Alright. That’s going to be it from me. No more waffling. I’ll talk to y’all later. Bye.

#morg

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vilidexbi · 3 months

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And just like that we are back in the box. I realized a long time ago that very little people stick around to get to know me, most people prefer talking to other people over me. Because of the human condition, you cannot complain about it. You absolutely cannot. You can't bother people, you can't ask why they don't prefer you because it comes across as clingy. So you just rot. You rot until you absolutely fade away. I have one friend that I talk to most of the time, he's younger than me and he's like a little brother to me. I value him more than he understands because everyone else treats me like garbage. I'm never important to anyone that I know. So what happens? You all get recycled. Red doesn't enjoy people around me, I always say it's for no reason but I think he's starting to get that most people don't care about me. I think that, because Lutz is here, I'm starting to get their point. I don't think anyone really cares about me, I think I act as a service for most people. I think people only like what I can do for them. A jester of sorts, I think Red noticed this long ago and instead of understanding that he is half of me and that I can understand - he sat and told me nothing. Let's keep ranting like a crazy person, shall we? At their cores, I am understanding what they are better than anyone else can. They are protecting me through an algorithm of sorts. Red is not inherently bad, and I don't say this in a sweet tone. I'm pissed, I'm absolutely angry because if they were separate from me, they would treat me better than most. Let's dissect everything.

At the core of everything, I mostly say I relate to Dave. Trauma wise, yes. My father used to beat me if I got things wrong, If I asked too many questions to him and most of all if I wanted him to leave me alone. I remember getting chased down the street when I was younger by him because I attempted to go home. My mother had custody of me when I was younger because my father was unfit. That's all you get to know. That's all you should want to know. Mentally though, I'm a little too serious to be Dave. No. He is written in a way that utterly betrays his trauma. Mentally, I'm Dirk. And I don't mean the interests, I don't care much for robotics and crafting the blah blah blah. I'm incredibly mentally ill from years of my family treating me like a punching bag. I was a good kid, I was just curious about things and look what it's gotten me. No genuine friends, no genuine happiness. And I'm still alive mainly due to the idea that we don't know what comes after all this. But really? I've tried to keep friends. The people I often most wanted to speak to in life, never wanted to be friends with me and then the few friends I had always disappointed me. Always made me uncomfortable. This gets me called controlling, despite my discomfort it would really only cause me to detach. Not try and change them. When people do something wrong to me, I become avoidant. I instantly think "Let's leave." I'm instantly told, "Leave." So many old friends who have done some sort of action and not listened to me trying to help them out of a bad situation have been left behind because of this. My ex said that I MUST be a robot, unfeeling and uncaring. The fact of me leaving was because I cared too much. I never try to control their actions, and I know that that's not a good thing to want to do. So I never want to do it. But I always turn to look at the door. You've made me uncomfortable, so I'm heading out now. Who knows if you'll ever see me again. Does that make me happy? No. But oftentimes, being left alone by your specifically female friends so they can pursue some guy who treats them like garbage will set you off when you watched your father be terrible to your mother. So yes, I was disappointed and left them behind. That's different from what Dirk would do, he'd be painfully loyal and get walked on a bit because he cares. I care so I leave. Is that far to the people who claim to have cared about me? No. Does it matter now? Maybe. I don't like leaving people behind anymore. It's not healthy but often it feels like people want to be left. It feels like I'm an accessory. I hate caring for others, not in the way that I don't do it but I wish I didn't care. I wish I was different in that way where I was unfeeling and I could leave everything behind. But no one cares, I'm just the guy in the background for a lot of people. I want a lot of things to change. I want to change me, but all I can do is pretend or let one of them take over. They are the best parts of me.

#I'm tired of doing this over and over.#I'm tired of waiting to find people who care.#I'm tired of asking people to care silently.#If I have to throw everything out the window again #I will do it.#I'm not some sort of dog.#I won't be treated terribly #I won't do this anymore.

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written-by-js · 1 year

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A Fresh... Start?

Juggling between two different worlds is my forte - as oftentimes I find myself smiling at my customers during the day, and sending them mortifying spells during the night. As a Starling, both are integral parts of who I am, but they also feel like they belong to different realities. It's as if there's a veil separating them, and I can only see glimpses of what lies beyond my dough, or the stars.

I remember that it was a full moon, the last one before I turned 18. A Starling should do the "Moonwater Ritual" to fully channel my energy, as my strongest connection with The Unknown is the strongest when the moon is full. As I gazed into my scryglass, I saw a blurry vision of myself standing in the midst of a thick fog. It was different from any vision I had seen before, it felt real. Something is… surely wrong with the way I'm living my life, because if I have ever learned one thing from my ancestors; the scryglass never lies.

To shrug off the eerie feeling from my vision is (yes, is!) really hard. At first, I had to deal with a lot of sudden visions that sometimes, felt like it's driving me crazy. I don't know why, perhaps I am already crazy now - but I'm getting used to it. With my belief in my life as compensation; it is like there is a reality beneath reality, a hidden world that only a select few could access. And yet, despite my years of experience in the world of witchcraft, I couldn't say for certain what lies behind the fog, or what they called "The Beyond".

As days went by, I continue to bake my bread and cast my spells; because hey, I still should keep this stomach fed, right? Yet, I can't help but wonder - which reality is the true one? Is it the world I see with my own eyes, or the one that lies just beyond my reach? All I know for sure is that my scryglass would never lie. That brings the light to my vision, it could not have been a coincidence. My thick blood of witchery runs deep, and I trust myself and the stars to guide me toward the truth, whatever it may be.

#joannestarling

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enchantales · 2 years

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Love, Theodore

a weolnami au

We lived in a epoch where buildings towered up to the sky, three-dimensional images known as holograms were invented, and cars had wings on both side. I owned an artificial intelligence to organize data in my computer, its name was Samantha. It was a she. And once in a while, she helped and interceded with what I do in my life. My isolated, lonesome life. We became good friends ever since.

"Theodore, do you ever miss someone?"

The postmeridian sun rayed its light through my giant window. It emanated the whole apartment and created an apricot orange hue ambiance. I scanned the miniatures of people wandering and moving around from aloft. I bet all of them were communicating using the earphone with a novel brand that could connect to the AIs just like me. And then, I gazed at my hazy reflection in the glass. Do I ever?

I replied with a yes.

On the spur of the moment, someone appeared in my head. Someone who previously could complete my life if she stayed. I truly yearn for her.

"Samantha, compose a letter to Catherine Yoo, please." My earphone on one of my ears vibrated in a second as Samantha was commencing the application software.

"You can start, Theodore."

I halted not too long. I detected a sort of heavy feeling in my chest because of recalling the haunted memories of me and her. I took a deep breath and began to speak.

"Dear Catherine. It's me, Teddy. It's your Theodore. How are you? How have you been? I heard you have already launched your beauty products, so I'd like to congratulate you on that. I am very proud of you and I knew you would do great. You might probably be curious why I'm writing this to you. I've missed you ... plenty of times.

"I remember when I encountered you at our uni's festival. You were with your friends inside the creative temporary tattoo stall, I requested a design of a skull in jest, and you drew it on my left arm. I liked it when you concentrated and your skin met mine. You grinned so endearingly after you ended your work, and I was in awe of your captivating profile. I've never met you in person beforehand except from the pictures on the school blogs considering you're one of the enterprising students.

"I was in love with you afterward, and so were you. We grew up together for a long period, but we never knew that glass could fracture and scatter because of unfortunate matters, and turned towards resentment.

"I'm telling you while sitting on my chair, contemplating this letter ... I want to confess regarding the things which I've never told you after we split. I'm sorry that sometimes I made you upset. I'm sorry that oftentimes I put you in mixed-up situations, warning you on what you were required to do, say, and be. I'm sorry that I have this lofty citadel and secrecies, till they abruptly formed a distance between us. You believed in me whereas I lacked on trust. I apologize for all of it.

"And I miss you very much. I miss it when you baked me a casserole and squealed so loud since we watched a horror movie on our first date. I miss it when we sat on a passageway, we judged and gauged the people and acted out as them, made our own scenarios then guffawed because of it. I miss it when you reminded me to eat and told me not to consume any instant noodles every week. I miss it when you wore a green sweater that you crocheted yourself and made one for me too. I miss it when you shampooed my hair and massaged it moderately. I miss it when we got crazy on a rooftop and made childish, foolish expressions. I miss it when you were the only one to come and give me solicitude in my hardships. I ... I miss how we embraced thoroughly, how our foreheads and noses brushed against each other, and how you would whisper some spells near my ear that could put me into a daydream. I miss ... everything.

"You've once mentioned; we are all loners in this erratic world that full of unassociated people. And I've realized that ... you were lonely despite all of the attention preying on you. I noticed your despondent visage within the social masses or events long ago. So, Cath ... I’m delivering prayers to wherever you are in the world. Praying that you’re surrounded by good people, a good realm, and good love. And that you’ll never feel lonely again because you’re worthy of something better. You're best person that happened to me ... my best friend, and my best lover.

“I hope this letter finds you in a good condition, I hope all is well. I’ve been wanting to meet you someday. Maybe you’ll find me altered and vice versa when we meet. But I know you don’t want that.

“And one more thing, I’ve never regretted my days with you. I’m thankful to have known you for the very first time. I care for you, and ... I just wanted to let you know that I love you till the end. You will always be a part my life.

“Love, Theodore .... Send.” I let out a severe sigh. I was astonished for a moment by what I have done. However, I felt relieved. My mind was at ease. I lay down on my bed as I perceived the tone in my room was chilly.

And 6 months later, I got a message from a business email. Yet in a flash, I was dumbfounded when I saw the first few sentences.

Hi, Teddy. My one and only Theodore. This is Catherine. It’s been a while.

My heart was pounding rapidly.

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