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bomberqueen17 · 2 months

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*vibrating slightly in place*

So ok. When I was in kindergarten, my classroom was arranged so that four desks were linked together, so we were in little groups. I used to regularly vibrate my desk and the three it was attached to, with three other children in them, across several feet of floor space, until the linked desks ran into the teacher's desk, which was larger and did not move with the force of my vibrations. I was a good student, but hard to control, and markedly uneven in my ability to like. Do anything. "Well," my mom said once, upon beholding my entire spectrum of a report card, "we'd just hate to be bored."

When I graduated with my bachelor's degree, seventeen years later, my mom said "I never thought you could do it," and when I, shocked, said "what?" she said "well what with your ADHD and all," and I said "my what?" and she said "well, i never wanted to shake your confidence, and I thought once they put a label on you it'd be over, but you super have like, turbo ADHD. Why, what do you think your deal is?" She said it nicely and not in those words at all, but it was the first time I'd ever really realized that I wasn't just mildly eccentric, I did seem to actually have something wrong with me.

I've been trying to get a diagnosis ever since. I've never been able to. I had no health insurance at all for a huge chunk of my twenties, which put a damper on things. One doctor told me "you'd know if you had that" and when I was like "I... do" she was like "no i mean. you'd already be being treated." Which shows a wild and totally unwarranted optimism in our medical system, but she was a resident. The doctor overseeing her care of me suggested I try taking fish oil capsules. To "rebuild my brain tissue".

I did. It didn't help. I still buy them but mostly I use them now to get my cat to take pills.

Eventually in my 30s my doctors started sort of believing me maybe, or at least realizing they couldn't really brush me off (I have gotten... less easily-cowed as I've aged) but they were all like "oh, I can't evaluate that. You'll have to research and find a place that can do a neuropsych eval for you. Insurance doesn't cover those. So good luck. Have some antidepressants in the meantime."

I slid into my 40s, still undiagnosed. I read as many self-help books on the topic as I could find, did all the checklists I found. They all said "girl you super have like turbo ADHD." I tried meditation. I tried divination. I tried bullet journaling, which was hilarious. I tried yoga.

I actually damaged myself doing yoga and am banned from yoga, but at least I'm in physical therapy now. (Word to the wise: if you have really really flexible hip joints, don't fucking do yoga. "Usually I don't have to tell people not to get into that position," said my bemused physical therapist. "Oh," I said, blissfully bepretzeled. "It feels super good." "Mm," she said, "you've torn your labrum. Stop doing that." Now I do really, really boring stretches that don't feel nearly as good, but I also can walk without limping, so. Like. We take the good with the bad I guess.)

Anyway. My PCP in January was like "wait you didn't follow my super vague directions to go see 'the guys downstairs' and see if they can squeeze you into their eleven-month waiting period to get an evaluation that i cannot mention without saying it's several thousand dollars and your insurance surely won't cover it? you must not want this diagnosis very badly!" (At no point has anyone ever given me a phone number for 'the guys downstairs'. I still don't know what she meant by any of those directions. This PCP and I technically speak the same language but I've never understood a single thing she has told me and I don't think she understands a word I say in return, everything I tell her seems to be such a shock to her. You blame antidepressants for your weight gain? I've never heard of that. Ma'am please look up what the incredibly common side effects of antidepressants are.)

I called around but noplace both took my insurance and was accepting new patients. Finally I gave up. Then my Dude went on our insurance company's website and took over the search. He found that there's some kind of concierge service thing, which the insurance company normally charges $450/mo for but our plan includes it, because it's pretty well-hidden on the website and most people aren't ever going to find it anyway. So he said, you know what, I am going to instigate a query on this.

They took two weeks but eventually came back with a list of 13 places, most of them not remotely local. Ten of them were red X's, disqualified for varying reasons-- one because the phone number didn't work, another because it's a seven-hour drive away and doesn't do telehealth. One was in New Jersey. None of them were the local places I had already called.

Two of them were valid, but the insurance wouldn't cover the evaluation for various reasons.

One of them was fully covered, the insurance company said. So I went there.

Their website said "no you're not we can't see you". But Dude was like, call them on the phone. Surely, surely, the concierge service couldn't have lied??? Bet, I said, and called them and left a message, and said to him, if they call me back I will eat a hat.

But they did. They called me back. "Our insurance checker widget is down," they said. "But we do take your insurance! We can see you. We just don't know how much it will cost."

Ominous.

But. They could see me later in the week, via a telehealth appointment.

So I signed up.

The appointment was this morning. I turned up. Their insurance checker thingy still wasn't working so they couldn't be sure how much the appointment would cost me. I at this point don't care, and gave them my HSA credit card, and said do what you will.

I waited 45 minutes and then texted the number they'd texted me from with the confirmation, and a moment later the guy showed up. "Whoops," he said, "that system isn't working quite right either!"

He talked to me for like. Three minutes, and was like "yeah that sounds. Pretty textbook. I'm going to prescribe you stimulants." He then proceeded to take a very basic medical history, and I recognized all the questions because I have researched stimulant medication for ADHD so much. And he was like "We're going to start with Adderall, check at your pharmacy in like an hour." And then he gave me extremely useful and detailed instructions on how to take it, when to take it, what side effects to worry about, what to expect, what to note down in case it might mean a problem, and how to be safe about it. (He asked me three times if I'd ever been suicidal, and it had also been in the online pre-screening. I am aware that can be a rare but very serious side effect of stimulants!)

And then I went to Rite-Aid and I now have 16 pills in my possession, and i am going to wait until tomorrow morning to start taking them, and I am already scheduled for my follow-up in 15 days.

I have absolutely no idea how much any of that is going to cost, but for the record the pills were eleven dollars.

So. I don't know why the last decade of my life has been spent being told that a comprehensive and unattainably expensive neuropsychological evaluation was my only option. Maybe this place is a disreputable pill mill or whatever. But. I am going to get to try to medicate this disorder that has warped my entire life to this point, and I am going to try to see if I can't have some more control over my life, and if it doesn't work then at least I will know, instead of on my deathbed being like "i wonder if i'd ever tried amphetamines maybe I'd have been able to finish a project ever in my life, guess we'll never know".

Which was what I was starting to genuinely think was going to happen.

Literally though why can't a primary care doctor just refer you to a psychiatrist who can then decide whether you need an assessment or whether your condition is likely to respond well to a basic diagnosis?? I get needing the whole nine yards if you're not sure what's wrong with this kid and you don't want to give them the wrong thing-- like I know misdiagnosing a bipolar sufferer with depression can give you really bad outcomes, for example-- but-- I don't know? I don't know.

I just want to be able to start and finish projects. What I'd really love is to be able to make to-do lists meaningfully, as that is an ability I did used to have and now absolutely don't. I legit cannot make a to-do list in any meaningful or useful way.

So we'll see. I'm going to keep a journal and the real test of whether the pills work is to see whether I can actually keep the journal.

But I need to find some kind of edible hat, at some point, just to keep my word.

#about the author #actually adhd

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metalheadsforblacklivesmatter · 10 months

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Hi, could you please explain to me the following terms: "Psychopath", "Narcissist", "Sociopath", etc?

Up until now, I've ignorantly used these words to describe someone who is self-prioritizing, without empathy or compassion, and antagonistic towards the boundaries of others.

I want to be better informed in order to avoid repeating this mistake from now onwards; Most of my search results present unreliable information; which is how I came to fall for the misconception in the first place.

I am mentally disabled myself, but completely out of the loop- mental health is stigmatized where I come from. I'd like to understand the distinction between the terms listed above, and how they came to be associated with negative records.

First of all I'd like to thank @bfpnola because I got this information from people diagnosed with these conditions on the bfpnola discord server.

Second of all, I'd like to say I've not been diagnosed with these conditions nor do I presume to have them. So I do ask you seek out people with antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder who talk about the stigmas against their conditions to hear them out. I'd suggest a tiktoker I used to follow but people with these conditions tend to get banned quickly on tiktok due to abelism.

I'm just trying to explain where I'm coming from when I say it's abelist to use these terms.

Now to continue with the answer. Sociopath and Psychopath are outdated terms. They used to be diagnoses that were in the DSM, but the terminology has been changed to antisocial personality disorder. People with antisocial personality disorder do not experience empathy. Like... at all. And that's what people are trying to attack when people call someone a psychopath. However, that implies an incorrect definition of empathy.

Empathy is the ability to feel and understand others pain. People assume that means they don't care at all about others. They are very capable of caring about other people and forming close emotional bonds. They are also very capable of being protective of those they care about. They just don't feel empathy. Furthermore, there's people that experience empathy that legitimately just don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. Just because they feel others pain doesn't mean that they give a shit.

And attacking someone's lack empathy is often used to stigmatize other conditions that can cause low empathy like autism, Borderline, narcissistic personality disorder, schizoeffective disorder, and there's probably a bunch more I'm forgetting.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder. People think a narcissist is someone that thinks the world revolves around them. But based on what I've heard people diagnosed with the mental health disorder have said, it's a deep insecurity rooted in being raised with their caretakers making them feel deeply insecure. They compensate by masking with self-aggrandizing behaviors. And that's why people think people with NPD think the world's revolves around them. Because they're experiencing external symptoms with no awareness of the internal monolog in their mind that leads to those symptoms. Which is why I keep saying only a psychiatrist or therapist can diagnose people. Because even if you grew up with this person, you won't have the connection with them that a therapist will have to learn their internal right process.

And a lot of the people that are incorrectly called Narcissistic actually have BPD. (I've seen an overwhelming number of people in response to these posts say "I've experienced Narcissistic Abuse. My abuser had BPD.")

Borderline Personality Disorder is COMPLETELY different from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder is the result of an insecure attachment style from the caretakers as a child. This results in unstable relationship styles as an adult. They like someone and develop a "favorite person". Which sounds really cute but can actually be really traumatizing for the person with this disorder. Then they do something called "splitting" in which their views of the people they care about change. They feel the person is pulling away or rejecting them (even if it's untrue). This leads to dangerous behavior like threats of suicide, binge drinking, taking drugs, excessive shopping, gambling, passive aggression, etc.

And the sad thing about NPD and BPD both is the fact that a lot of the negative stigma surrounding them is due to how they externally react to the things the inner demons they have in their head.

Now I know someone is going to say "You can't let people use their mental health as an excuse for shitty behavior". This isn't letting people use their mental health to excuse shitty behavior. I'm saying you can't use mental health terms to describe shitty behavior. A self absorbed asshole is nothing more than a self absorbed asshole. It's not crazy. It's not psychotic. It's not narcissistic. It's an asshole. No more no less.

-fae

#abelism #cluster b disorders #cluster b personality disorder #borderline personality disorder #antisocial personality disorder #schizoid personality disorder #avoidant personality disorder #histrionic personality disorder #personality disorders

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logan-galbraith · 1 year

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can I ask what text in the RESTRICT act you are reading as criminalizing the use of VPNs? I am seeing this repeatedly and on reading the bill, I don't understand the logic of how VPNs would be effected, or any software not developed in a country outside of the list mentioned in the bill, or how these penalties would apply to most civilians. for example, proton is Swiss-based. wouldn't the US need to name Switzerland as a hostile foreign power to outlaw their VPN? how would an individual user utilizing a VPN to access software developed in say, Venezuela, be in violation of the act, based on its wording and likely legal interpretation? I only see information relevant to financial transactions, and any fine would be based on the value of said transaction?

obviously broad expansions of national security legislation with the intent to choke out foreign competitors are bad! and also, I just do not understand where this claim is coming from. this interpretation seems to state that "transaction" means viewing a site, and using a VPN is "abetting a transaction" and this seems... unlikely.

You're right about the foreign country part, where it wouldn't be considered if it were from a country not listed as hostile. I'll admit that I missed that one in my readings until someone else pointed it out.

I do want to be clear and say that I'm not a professional at this, this was all from my readings of the bill as well as some more research and seeing viewpoints of others, many of which ARE professionals, so I'm actually glad you're doing your own research on it. And I want to encourage you to continue doing so.

But as for the VPN issue, it comes down to section 11, subsection 2-F.

No person may engage in any transaction or take any other action with intent to evade the provisions of this Act, or any regulation, order, direction, mitigation measure, prohibition, or other authorization or directive issued thereunder.

Keywords "any other action". Basically VPNs would fall under that as it could be used to circumvent any bans of foreign services of companies based in the mentioned hostile countries. From my understanding, it would be less likely - to use your example - if you used it to access an online service based in Venezuela that wasn't available in the US as Venezuela isn't listed as hostile.

But then that's where the whole accessing your personal data comes into play. If the Secretary of Commerce and their team were to conduct an audit, you could be chosen at random. And if you use a VPN, they may decide to look closer at you to ensure you're not using it to access a banned service.

The reason VPNs are being discussed is because most people that bring it up are speaking in terms of using it to access tiktok if it were banned, or to access anything else that could be banned under this bill. THAT is where the problem with VPNs lie and why many people are warning others not to use them for this reason, due to the hefty penalties attached. VPNs themselves aren't targeted to be banned, just their use to access services that are.

A big part of it also comes down to discretion as well. If they so wished, if this bill were to pass, they could even push further to create another bill or expand this one to find a way to ban VPNs themselves, though that is less likely.

As of writing all this, the bill has only been introduced. It hasn't even passed the senate, so it's only in it's first stages. It could easily change as time goes on, or it could even fail to pass with or without American's intervention. It's all still very early, which is why we're all pushing so hard to stop it while we still can so that it doesn't escalate even further beyond what this bill proposes.

#restrict act #tiktok ban #us politics #united states #political #free speech #vpn software #Vpn

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darkdoverpseeker · 1 year

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I’m resubmitting (I hope that’s okay!) since I forgot to include some details!

Hey there I'm an over 18 roleplayer who is in search of roleplay partners to write with! I'm also down for talking OOC too, I don't like to share personal info like my real name, age, location etc.

I'm interested in both MXM and MXF pairings. However in the MXM I would prefer to play a more submissive character and I am not always down for a MXM pairing. My character can either be dominant or submissive for the female, depending on your preferences and which character you'd prefer. I always play a male role.

I have a couple of characters that I use, who I choose will depend on the plot we decide.

I'm comfortable writing almost anything and I am into dead dove topics however those can be reserved for discussions in our DMs as I do not want to get banned! 🕊 🫶

Smut and romance for me is an absolute must and I'm also down for doing PWP so don't hesitate to DM me your ideas.

My limits and kinks will be sent via DM as they are not something that I wish to share publicly

I prefer to roleplay on Discord because it is easier, however I am happy to give you my Instagram so we can roleplay there

I have many ideas for plots (I do have darker ones but again those can be discussed via DM)

Adoption - mdlb or ddlb or pet play.

Arranged marriage - cultural, birth, business deal, forced, friends

Attachment Disorder - this is one that can be discussed via DMS as it does contain triggering elements

Prostitution- I'm a male prostitute either sold into it or I do it because I enjoy it

PR Relationship - You and I are signed to the same record label and our management want us to date, we can either fake it or fall in love for real

Psychiatrist- you would be portraying my psychologist/psychiatrist, again this may contain triggering elements so it is to be discussed via dms. I do prefer a female for this plot as I think it works better.

Social media star - you would be portraying a preferably female social media star, you can either use an OC or you can use a face claim I don't mind. You are offering sex and relationship advice and you share EVERYTHING with your followers. Again this is another that I prefer a female character for, however if you have a good male character I’d consider

What I'd like from a partner

Please be semi lit, I don't expect perfect spelling or grammar. We're all human and make mistakes, just please no one liners. If you can only do 3-5 sentences max that's a-okay! Just make sure that you give me something to respond to.

Be 18+, this one kinda goes without saying

No kink shaming, I am into dead dove things and "weird" plots

Be kind and polite. I'm happy to talk OOC just don't be mean or I'll block you

I'd prefer if you were fairly active, however I understand life sometimes gets in the way

Bring your own ideas however wild, there's zero shame here, the worst I'lI say is no

If the plot isn't working please tell me and we can figure out what we can do to fix it

Be respectful of my limits

#oc x oc #m x m #m x f #1x1 rp #rp ad #fandomless rp #dead dove #dead dove do not eat #spicy #semi lit rp #18+#rp #roleplay

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oldgooddaysoldgooddays · 1 year

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On the way to the studio my trouser leg gets caught in my bike chain, and I have to carefully push backwards in front of a throng of tourists in Old St to release the fabric, which rips and frays. This has happened before, and I know to maintain a grip on the waistband so that I don't moon civilians. Once in Covent Garden I mooned an entire restaurant's outdoor seating and fell down, still attached to the bike. Today I am so grouchy that the incident barely touches me. I have long since given up appearing cool on my commute, but thought I had a good handle on which trousers to tuck into my socks and which don't need it Bored and listless with my cold soup downed straight from the plastic container, I decide to let all of my home renovation plans embarrass me. Everything that will make the kitchen and bathroom unusual, becomes obnoxious. I move laterally to resentment of J, who doesn't even come close to deserving it, and his suggestion of introducing colours like red and purple into my soft furnishings. Exactly how many loved ones does my brain plan on taking down this afternoon? C, who tells me he has new developments to share on his shit cousin being scammed by fake women online? V, who has done nothing wrong in Rio? My grandmother, for finally achieving her natural state as a right wing conservative? R again, who never promised me anything and yet I denigrate him for not overextending himself? Who I banned from visiting me in London til my house is done, because I'm shallow and I need intimacy to take place in the correct architecture? Enough! I cover a car interior I'm not happy with in porcelain. I scan the room for other mistakes. There is paint on the leaves of my rubber plant. Two errant teabags from J coming by. I make coffee, meditate, listen to Dan Savage advise a woman who says she wants her boyfriend's semen inside of her without getting pregnant. Savage recommends putting it in a cup and waiting 45 minutes, then using it as lube. He adds that a risk-free solution would be her partner having a vasectomy. I understand this suggestion is a newish effort to change the parlance and normalise men taking charge of birth control. Still, the surgical connotations of the word "vasectomy" vs the casual and vague "Pill", may mean we never achieve parity. Also I heard on Joe Rogan once that the vasa deferentia, which are cut and tied in the vasectomy procedure, sometimes naturally fuse back together. "We just need to procreate that badly", Rogan explains with his trademark guy-holding-court-in-a-bar air of expertise. What I wouldn't give to slide onto his lap in an airport lounge and have him tell me about the health benefits of a cold plunge

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copperbadge · 2 years

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Thank you for explaining the Eugene Levy/Tumblr/Apple mess, Internet Dad💕. But wouldn’t the logical progression of banning the tags pornbots attach themselves to eventually mean banning ALL tags and disabling Tumblr’s search function entirely? That’s like burning down the library of Alexandria to save the volumes from a beetle infestation. 😶

(ETA: In reference to this post.)

I saw similar comments on the post, and it is a logical conclusion, but it stems from thinking this is a process. It doesn't appear to be something they're going to execute in an ongoing, systemic manner. This was more of a purge.

Basically, it's not that Tumblr is going to ban every new tag where porn pops up; at least my understanding is that this was a single event in which a bunch of stuff went bye-bye at once, probably to meet some kind of...content criteria (if this is the case it probably won't be the last, mind you). Tumblr staff have said they're working on the issue, which to me says they were aware of what they were doing and did it because they were on some kind of deadline. This is all just speculation, I haven't studied it in-depth and don't plan to. I just explained it because when it happened I knew immediately why they banned innocent tags, since I work in a very similar field so I could see the process more clearly than most.

I don't know what they think they'll do about the pornbots going forward. Possibly some kind of super-abusive content review process like Facebook has.

The truth is, right now computers are slightly too dumb to be effective at blocking specific content, whatever you want to designate as that content, and humans are slightly too horrible, as a species, to stop 1. trying to post truly evil content for their own self-gratification and 2. using moderation rules to abuse people they don't like.

So there's no painless, frictionless way to moderate user-generated content, particularly when it's not limited to text, especially when there are several million users.

I don't know what the solution is, but I think it will probably be the most significant problem of our lifetime: we've essentially invented telepathy without empathy, where you can cheaply and quickly broadcast anything you want out into the world and never feel the consequences of it to others.

#I don't even know what to tag these #the content is so upsetting but unspecific #and if I tag it with something common it might just disappear into the shadowban

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dracowars · 3 years

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hideaway | anakin skywalker

pairing: anakin x nonjedi!reader

word count: 2,3k

summary: where y/n wants to surprise anakin but is in for a big surprise herself

a/n: anakin owns my whole heart. hope you enjoy it~

warnings: none

universe: star wars

The smell of freshly roasted vegetables and meat fills your nostrils as you turn the stove up a notch, humming to yourself. You are by no means a five star chef, but your cooking skills are still very good. After all, your mother always made sure that you learn from her amazing skills in the kitchen. In the end what matters is how it tastes and until now you have never failed.

You keep checking the time on the clock on the wall, waiting for it to point at a certain time. You can't wait until he finally comes home. You've been counting the days and hours, even minutes until Anakin arrives back from his mission with Obi-Wan on Naboo. Anakin wasn't allowed to tell you anything about the mission of course, so you can only hope that it was a peaceful mission. Not only do you not want him to get injured, but then your planned surprise meal after his return would also be superfluous.

According to your calculation, it should take another half an hour for their spaceship to land on Coruscant, plus the time it takes Anakin to get to his apartment, where you currently are. The mission was scheduled for five days and you spent the entire time in his apartment. He gave you a spare key months ago because he noticed how much you always miss him every time he is not on the planet. In fact, it actually helped. Everything here makes it feel like he is only in the next room and not on a whole different planet and thus makes your fear for him less.

You've thought and talked about moving in together before, but there is one tiny little problem with that: nobody knows about your and Anakin Skywalker's relationship. Since he is a Jedi, a great and powerful one at that, he has to follow the Jedi Code. A Code that governs the behavior of its followers which, in this case, forbids Jedis from forming attachments. While they do not ban romantic feelings in general, Jedi's are not meant to get married or built up a family. Their only task is to bring peace to the galaxy.

And if the Jedi Order finds out about this relationship, it won't end well for neither of you. Until now you've always been able to hide it well, even if there were occasional moments when it almost got blown up. Somehow you always managed to keep it a secret though and you are very happy about that.

You stir the vegetables one more time and then throw yourself onto the large leather couch while you wait. And wait and wait. No matter how long you close your eyes and just breathe in the pleasent smell around you, time still doesn't go by faster.

You just want to hug him again, kiss him again and just be with him. It may have only been five days, but you still feel like you haven't seen him in months when it wasn't even a whole week. You have been a couple for two years now, have known each other for five of them and loved each other for four, and yet you love him like you did on the first day. There is just something special about him that makes your heart flutter every single time.

The way he looks at you, the way his eyes light up when he smiles - god, his whole apperance in general - you can't help but fall in love with him all over again. Anakin Skywalker is the love of your life and you can't imagine him to not be part of your life anymore.

While being indulged in your thoughts you don't even hear the steps approaching the front door at first and the electronic door opening a few seconds later. You jump up from the sofa immediately and are just about to go in the hallway leading directly to the door full of anticipation when you suddenly hear a different voice than Anakin's, which causes you to stiffly pause in your movement.

"I will send report about our successful mission to the Jedi Council instantly", you hear the male voice say, realizing that it is no other than Obi-Wan. Your eyes widen in shock. If Obi-Wan finds you here, in the middle of Anakin's apartment, it's over.

Looking back and forth, you search for a suitable hiding spot. You notice the cupboard at the end of the entrance area that would provide perfect protection, which you can only get to by walking past the hallway while risking to be seen. Since you can't think of anything better in this hurry, you sneak to the hallway as quietly as possible.

You look around the corner carefully just to see both men, still dressed in their full gear, standing in front of the entrance, Obi-Wan holding a holoprojector in his left hand and seemingly struggling with making it work the way he wants. Your gaze wanders to Anakin, who is standing in front of his master and trys to help him with the device. You can't help but stare at him for a few seconds. He looks breathtaking and you can feel your heart skip a beat.

And suddenly it feels like your heart completely stops at the exact moment where Anakins turns around and directly looks at you. The confusion is clearly written on his beautiful face, - which, to your surprise, doesn't have any bad injuries this time - but if you only knew how much he would love to just run to you and take you his his arms tightly, lifting you off the floor. But since Obi-Wan is still in the room, that turns out to be difficult.

With a slight head movement you indicate to the cupboard, Anakin understanding your intention immediately. Just as Obi-Wan looks up, Anakin steps in his way so that there is no possibility for him to spot you. "Let me see the holoprojector, master", Anakin tells him, reaching out for it, distracting him from what you are doing in the background.

You tiptoe across the hallway and climb into the cupboard without making any sound the very moment Anakin got the projector working. The closet is pretty narrow and you even keep your breathing quiet.

"I think I don't tell you this enough but you actually did very good out there. I'm proud of you, Anakin", Obi-Wan tells his Padawan as they walk past you and internally you feel how happy Anakin is about those words. "But was it really necessary to blow up the escaping droids?", Obi-Wan adds with serious tone but lets out a laugh soon after that.

You take in a deep breath which suddenly makes you realize that there still is something you haven't even thought about before: the food. It's still boiling on the stove, spreading a delicious smell through the rooms. How is Anakin supposed to explain that, when he didn't even know about it himself?

"Anakin. You should have listend to me when you- What is this burnt smell?", Obi-Wan interrupts himself while speaking, smelling the same odour as you did moments before. Seconds later you can hear their steps moving away as they run into the kitchen. "What is happening here?! Why is there food cooking?", Obi-Wan shouts but you can't hear more as the sound of steaming water drowns out their conversation. Anakin must have thrown the pan in the sink or otherwise you can't explain where the noise is supposed to be coming from.

"It was probably the.. the cleaning lady! Yes, the cleaning lady must have forgotten it by mistake", Anakin trys to talk his way out of the situation after the noise has quiet down. "Since when do you have a cleaner?", his master asks suspiciously. "Not very long. Since the last.. month?", Anakin explains - or tries to - not really convincingly.

Silence. There is an unbearable silence before Obi-Wan starts laughing out loud all of a sudden. "You should definetely find another one if she almost burns your appartment down. However, I could use one too..", he advises his Padawan and you can hear him coming back, lowering your breath again instantly.

"I better go now and send off the report to the Council. Master Yoda wanted to talk to me later anyway. You still have a bit of cleaning to do and..", Obi-Wan pauses in the middle of his sentence, making your breath hitch. "You should really get that lady out of your closet before she suffocates."

Your whole body stiffens at his words and the door to your hiding place opens. "Hello there", Obi-Wan looks at you expectantly. "Y/N, isn't it?" You nod carefully and look to the ground in shame after climbing out of the closet.

"It's- It's not what it looks like, master", Anakin stutters out and pulls you behind him, protecting you from whatever is coming towards you next. "Well, what does it look like?", Obi-Wan counters and crosses his arms.

You touch Anakin's arm lightly, searching for support, and look past him to Obi-Wan, who is watching you both closely. "I'm waiting", Obi-Wan sighs and puts his arms on his hips. "I don't have all day, you know."

You take all your courage and take a step forward. "It's my fault. I wanted.. I just wanted to surprise Anakin and welcome him back home", you explain with a low voice, not daring to look at Obi-Wan directly. "That still doesn't explain why you are in his appartment in the first place", he says with raised eyebrows and you look back at Anakin.

Anakin looks like he's contemplating about what to do next and then takes your hand in his as he made his decision, standing next to you now. "Master. I'm in love with Y/N and she loves me. We.. secretly dated and got together. I wanted to tell you. I always wanted to tell you, but there just wasn't the right opportunity and-"

"And you thought it would be better to not tell me about this at all? Ever?", Obi-Wan finishs Anakin's sentence. "Where do you think you are going with this? You know the Jedi Code, Anakin. You broke the rules."

"This stupid code is totally outdated and unnecessary anyway! We never meant to fall in love with each other, sometimes it just happens. We knew the day would come when someone finds out about us. We know that it.. has no future. But you can't just turn off your feelings. It is not possible", you rant and feel Anakin's hold on your hand tighten. "Please don't tell the Jedi Council and please don't throw Anakin out. You can punish me, but not him. He dedicated all his life to the Jedi Code and.. I don't want his life to get destroyed because of me."

You feel yourself get pulled to the side harshly. "What are you even saying, Y/N?! Stop that nonsense!", Anakin whisper-yells at you. "I can't live with the thought that I will destroy your future, Ani. I could never be happy agai-"

"Who said I would tell anyone?", Obi-Wan interrupts you two, making both of you look at him in confusion. "Listen, I don't support Anakin's or your actions but what happend, happend, we can't change that and I'm actually kind of happy that Anakin found someone who stays by his side."

Your mouth opens wide in shock and you look at him with pure disbelieve. "You.. what?", Anakin bursts out, seeming equally shocked and confused. "Why shouldn't I be happy for my Padawan, who is like a brother to me, when he finds the right woman, maybe his soulmate?", Obi-Wan tells you and the corners of his mouth rise. "I won't tell anyone about it, but you have to be really careful. If Master Windu oder Master Yoda find out about your relationship, I won't be able to help you. It will be over. You can be glad that it's just me who found out."

Without thinking twice, you happily hug Obi-Wan and Anakin does the same. "Thank you, Obi-Wan", Anakin smiles and lays an arm around your waist as soon as you move away from Obi-Wan. "I'll correct what I said earlier: You both still have a lot to clean up. Enjoy yourselves", Obi-Wan giggles and turns around to go back to the elevator.

Before he leaves though, he turns around one last time. "And for your information: I already felt that she is in here before we even got into the apartment. Good evening", Obi-Wan bows down slightly and leaves.

Silence spreads again, but this time a pleasant one. "What did just happen?", Anakin asks and shakes his head to get a clear thought, brushing through his hair with his mechanical hand. "I have no idea but I think we got away with it", you answer and turn to look at him, both of his hands now on each side of your waist.

"I missed you so much, Anakin", you smile and take in every feature of his beautiful structured face. Your hand comes up to his cheek and you softly stroke over his skin with your thumb. "I missed you more", he whispers and turns his face to lightly kiss the inside of your hand, which makes you giggle. He slowly leans in and finally connects your lips again. His scent flows around you and your hand clings to his brown locks.

When he breaks the sensual kiss, he leans his forehead against yours and smiles at you gently. You can feel his hands sneak around your hip as he suddenly lifts you off the floor and spins you around a few times, making you both laugh. After he puts you onto the ground again, he pecks your lips one more time before retreating completely, only keeping your hands connected.

"So, you wanted to surprise me with food?", he teases with that stupid smile on his face that you love so much. Feeling offended, you hit his arm playfully. In response, he chuckles and just pulls you behind him into the kitchen, where you clean up the mess you made before settling yourself up on the couch, cuddling for the rest of the day.

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agoddamn · 2 years

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I posted 1,913 times in 2021

1287 posts created (67%)

626 posts reblogged (33%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.5 posts.

I added 771 tags in 2021

#star wars - 317 posts

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Longest Tag: 140 characters

#the fact that the church could be banned from adrestia at all means that the seiros church has weaker influence than irl christianity on usa

My Top Posts in 2021

ppl really cite that one jocasta line ("if it's not in the archives it doesn't exist!") as introconvertible evidence that the Jedi suppress learning/knowledge as if the very next scene isn't Obi-Wan talking to yoda and a classroom of kids about how to discover knowledge, meaning that jocasta's snippy response is not the pinnacle of good behavior

and you know what, let jocasta nu be a bitch for thirty seconds! being a bitch is legal! a woman can be bitchy in one conversation without that being sufficient evidence for genocide!

bitch rights!

2096 notes • Posted 2021-03-28 09:43:51 GMT

I think its crazy that people point to Luke going to rescue Leia and Han from Vader, against the advise of Yoda and Obi-Wan, as the point that proves that Luke "fundamentally understands something the Jedi don't." Their whole point was that he was going into a situation blind, based on a vision that could or not be true, and he was ill prepared to face the foe responsible. Talk about attachment, rather than healthy connection. And the result? Leia escapes on her own. Luke rushes in. Bye bye hand

Yeah, Luke gets absolutely fucked when he dashes in on Bespin. I can't exactly see that as an example of love saving the day. I've heard the argument that Luke saved them by distracting Vader, but I think that's a little...thin.

2261 notes • Posted 2021-05-24 15:37:31 GMT

I love relationships where the two people just mercilessly, RELENTLESSLY drag one another but they are so often tragically misunderstood as bullying/harassment.

Like, you can tell that more recent iterations of Star Trek have backed off on this aspect of Spock and McCoy for fear of looking racist--and to be fair, 1967 did not have the greatest awareness of microaggressions. But McCoy wasn't calling Spock a hobgoblin because he thinks Vulcans are lesser, he's doing so because Spock just called him a witch!

The shit they say to each other is wildly out of touch with reality when you actually stop and listen to it. Spock calls him a witch doctor making potions and shaking rattles and implies that he regularly kills patients.

Their insults should be updated for the modern day but c'mon, let these guys drag each other with the most absolutely unreal accusations.

2406 notes • Posted 2021-04-17 01:20:31 GMT

-taps mic- the whole MC going "no pain medication, I don't want to cloud my mind" trope is both ableist and shockingly popular for how plainly ableist it is

(protip: if you're at the point where you're being advised to take pain medication by people who don't want to give you pain medication then your mind is most certainly already clouded by pain)

20395 notes • Posted 2021-05-14 04:44:00 GMT

I still want to write the fic where an outsider has all these preconceptions about what the Force is and then goes into a room with a bunch of Jedi who are tearing into each other like bitchy old academics.

"Ooh, look at Master Structuralist over here with his ever-so-deep 'everything is attachment actually' reading"

"I don't want to hear that from someone who calls every new opinion 'new depths of their relationship with the Force'"

"The Jedi Order is a social construct--"

"Could you stuff the po-mo and pick up a book once in a while? These aren't new ideas! You are not a pioneer because you asked one question!"

"I think you could all benefit on more reflection on how our rooting in the Force is actually deeply sexual--"

"If I have to hear one more word about lightsabers being penis envy you are going to be one with the Force immediately."

24119 notes • Posted 2021-03-23 10:32:52 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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stolligaseptember · 5 years

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hey, so you seem to know a lot about politics. i don't understand what the hell is going on with article 13 again? like i get it, it was voted upon but is it really going to change anything? or is it just tumblr trolls trying to get a rise out of people for nothing? wasn't it supposed to be a directive for countries?(also why everyone's biggest concern over eu banning memes?)

Okay, first of all, it’s so funny that I’m now somehow known as “the one who seems to know about politics”, seeing how I’ve been known to be very vocal about my absolute distaste for politics. But, yeah, I study law, which is basically just the aftermath of politics, so I guess I do keep kind of updated.

So yeah. Okay.

Article 13: Here we go again 🎶my, my, how can I resist ya🎶

Oh boy. Where do we even start with article 13.

Well, first of all, the parliament voted on reworking the directive and then voting on it again next year. The draft proposals have slowly started becoming public though, and that is most likely the reason behind people having started to freaking out again. Why people are freaking out is a pretty big question though. I’m not saying it’s most likely because of right-winged anti-EU advocates, but it’s most likely because of right-winged anti-EU advocates.

I explained the basis of a directive back in June, and attached the then-proposed draft text. And yes!! You’re very correct in it being a directive for countries! The proposal has gone through a number of votes and redrafts since then though, and this is the current form of article 13 that is being discussed;

So, the first thing here; this is still a draft. Nothing has been decided yet. Not even the final text that is going to be voted on. The directive is being discussed behind closed doors as we speak, and things may still change before the vote goes through. But for now there is nothing substantial for us to be drawing any kind of conclusions from. Pretty much anything can happen from this point out.

But, if we’ll go through the changes that has happened in the last couple of months;

First of all, the so called “bots”, that was the biggest fear concerning article 13, have been removed. This is huge news!! This is great news!!!

I explained why bots would have been such a fucking bad idea here, and in this draft they have removed the “effective content recognition technologies” aka. bots, and put in place a human review system instead. This is much more in line with the already existing copyright laws, and means that automated blocking of content will be avoided, as stated in the third paragraph.

Any complaint of copyright infringement will now go to human review instead, which will most likely end in the same situation as when my class of law students, most of which does not even have a single artistic bone in their body, discussed if a few different shades of magenta constitutes as copyright infringement or not. Copyright law is weird y’all.

The memes!! Are also so fucking safe in this draft!!!

They’ve never really been in danger though, but the parliament has gone the extra mile and clearly stated that memes, and all other transformative works as in “non-infringing works or other protectedsubject matter, including those covered byan exception or limitation to copyright”, is not part of the scope of this article and, in extension, the rest of the directive.

This covers fanart, fanfiction, edits, parodies, and just any and all transformative work you can think of. Whatever you’re thinking of and freaking out over, it’s most likely never been threatened to begin with.

And like. I get that this can seem all very scary and threatening, seeing how it deals with things that we’re all very passionate about i.e. the power struggle between copyright and transformative works, and on the very specific battle ground of the internet, which we are all very protective of and how the directive text doesn’t really give that much to go on, especially not for people not used to legalese. But what I need everyone to understand is that what the directive is aiming for, is the pirating industry. Of people taking very clearly copyrighted material and uploading it to the internet, without any own input, for public consumption, and for their own gain. This is what the directive is aiming to get a better grip on, and that is the scope the EU is giving the member states to regulate. Any and all transformative work is as safe as it’s ever been, both on and off the internet.

So no, your social media isn’t going to be shut down. No, the EU isn’t going to erase your fanworks and make you pay fines for it. And no, the EU isn’t going to ban memes, jesus christ, why would they even want to do that.

What the directive sets out to regulate is that “onlinecontent sharing service providers”, i.e. corporations such as Facebook and Youtube, have to take responsibility for the copyright infringement on their platforms. This will not in any way affect you as a user of said platform. Even if you’re such a vaguely shitty person that you upload an entire copyrighted movie in its unedited form to a video sharing platform, nothing is going to happen to you as an individual. At least not in relation to the directive, you can still be sued for copyright infringement due to your national laws, but that’s a whole other story. What the directive regulates is that it’s the platform’s obligation to give the copyright holder their fair share of the revenue, seeing how the infringement takes place on their platform. Hence the huge backlash from Youtube and the like. These huge, multi-billion companies, would suddenly have to take responsibility for the copyright infringement that takes place on their platforms on a daily basis.

And if you still think that’s unfair, then yeah, go wild, I guess.

But the hysteria that has spread across tumblr in particular, is so completely unfounded. As I’ve already stated, this is the draft of a directive, which means we really have no way of knowing how or when this is all going to fall out in the end, and copyright law is already so fucking weird, that I have a really hard time seeing how this will even make a dent in the status quo of things.

So just. Please. Calm down. This is not even anywhere near as bad as everyone is crying and screaming about it being. Unless you’re a money sucking social media platform or a political Pirate, then you probably still think this is pretty fucking bad. CoughcoughJuliaRedacoughcough.

And, as usual, this has just derailed to me babbling on without really knowing where I’m heading. But also as usual, don’t be afraid to ask me follow-up questions, and I’ll try to answer them as clearly as I can!! I also highly recommend everyone to read through the commission’s FAQs regarding the directive! Their answers can get a little technical at times though, so if you need help translating what they’re saying or just want to clear anything up, don’t be afraid to ask!

But just. Please. Please. Everyone calm down. You’re all giving me heart palpitations just thinking about this whole mess.

#article 13 #swearing tw #Anonymous #storytelling september

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lurkingcrow · 7 years

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I don't quite know what this is but I wrote it anyway

Did I hear @forcearama request more sad Obi-Wan and Baby Luke? I think I did! Have a very quickly written fic used to distract me from my head cold. This didn't exactly go where I thought it would, somehow it turned into an AU and shifted character focus on me, but hey the only way you can improve is by practicing right?

It is strange, he thinks. To the untrained eye this is a barren wasteland, miles and miles of sand and rock baked hard under the harsh light of twin suns. And yet... beneath the surface he can feel the movement of an industious colony of dustbeetles carving out a additional tunnels to accommodate their growing hive. In the next canyon over a herd of banthas is taking shelter from the midday sun, their minds a peaceful balm against the sharp hunger of the krayt dragon that stalks in the shadows. Further out he tracks the passage of a group of Tuskens as they make their way towards a hidden cave system - it looks like they will miss the Jawa sandcrawler, trundling along it's trade route to the outer settlements. There is life here, all the more precious for its scarcity, and the man who was once Obi-Wan Kenobi takes comfort in that.

He sighs, stroking his beard in thought, and reaches out to seek one particular lifeform (beloved, innocent, to be protected at all costs) . Luke's presence is bright -a mess of of sounds and images and burbling curiousity and oh! With cheerful glee the infant mind latches onto his and it takes a moment for Ben to realise that the child is much closer than expected. Gently pulling away he takes note of the combined sense of determination and maternal fondness headed his direction. He turns back to his shelter - it has been some time since he last had guests. He should probably clean up.

By the time the speeder pulls up he has managed to look a little less like he has spent the last couple of days sitting outside in the elements. From Beru's expression as she looks him over it's not enough.

"Honestly Ben, one of these days I'm going to come out here and nothing but a pile of clothing and bleached bones." She says as she hitches Luke one one hip while slinging a pack over her shoulder. "How you've managed to survive with so little common sense I don't know!" ( he asks the same thing every day - how does he live when those he failed are gone? the dunes offer no answer but the wind takes his tears.)

"I have my ways." He smiles, ushering them inside. "What brings you to my humble abode?" Beru huffs and offloads a squirming Luke into his arms before digging into her bag. Immediately tiny arms reach up to pull at his beard while the equally fragile mind seeks out his own, poking and prodding in childish delight.

(oh yes. he thinks. here is why. he lives because he loves this one too much to fail him too) So wrapt is he in Luke's presence that it takes Beru clearing her throat to bring him back to their conversation. Her smile is gentle and they share a quiet moment of mutual understanding before she draws his attention to the datapad in her hand.

His heart freezes.

(nononononono.he is dead. surely the universe would not be so cruel?) On the page the dark form of the Empire's newest enforcer remains unchanged, the headline declaring their triumph over the last remnants of CIS forces blaring overhead. (it is. vader lives. vader lives and he must never know of the treasure hidden beneath tatooine's suns)

In his arms Luke begins to fuss as he picks up on his panic and Ben calms himself. (he can break down later. later, when he cannot hurt any more innocents) Something must show on his face though, as Beru looks up, concerned. "Are you alright?" Another look at the datapad, and her eyes narrow. "Are we in danger?" He clears his head, puts aside his fear and guilt (anakin, anakin, where did we go wrong?) and thinks it through. This had always been a possibility. Nothing has changed - there is still no reason for the Empire to seek him here at the edges of civilization, even less for them to look for a boy with his father's blue eyes (blue. not yellow. anakin's blue).

"No, no. Not for the moment. Just... Something to keep an eye on." She looks at him carefully before nodding. "Ok. But that's not what has me worried. Here." She points to a much smaller article at the bottom of the page, welcoming the continued relationship between the esteemed Hutt conglomerate and Imperial forces and the signing of a new deal facilitating trade in high value goods along the outer rim. His eyebrows raise in disbelief. "Is that what I think it is?"

Beru shakes her head ruefully. "High value goods. They've all but legalised the slave trade so long as it doesn't touch their precious core. Didn't think the Hutts would manage it - they must've caught his Majesty on a good day." She eyes him carefully. "You're not from around here, so I don't know how familiar you are with..." "No. I understand. More than you might think." (bandomeer, a heavy collar around his neck. zygeria, the cutting agony of lightwhips and despair. coruscant, a blond boy who flinches at the use of "master". and still he will never fully comprehend.) He shakes his head and clutches Luke a little tighter. "But not enough. I imagine Jabba is delighted to extend his reach, but I'm guessing his coffers aren't your immediate concern."

Again Beru assesses him carefully, and appears satisfied by what she sees. She takes a seat against the wall motioning for Ben to join her. "You'd be right. Look Ben, I know there's a lot you can't say, but I need to know. Who are you? To Luke I mean."

The question takes him completely by surprise. "I... His parents were good friends of mine. I once taught his father" (it is not a lie, and yet it tastes like one, heavy and cold against his tongue). Beru scoffs. "Friends. That's why you look at Luke like he's the last cask of water before the cool season." There is something about her posture that makes him reconsider his words. (and surely now, now his old world was ashes and dust, surely now he could admit it.)

He bows his head, inhaling the scent of Luke's sun warmed skin. "I loved them. Anakin, he was my brother, my partner, my other half. I would have done anything for him." (but he'd never outright told him had he? anakin never knew just how much obi-wan would sacrifice to protect him. he never knew how deep the attachment ran. because it was not the jedi way. now the jedi are dead. and, though his body yet breathes, so too is anakin). He clears his thoat "Padmé, she was a light in the shadows, a reminder that there are still those who would fight for justice rather than personal gain. I was proud to call her a friend, prouder still that she considered me one too." (brave beautiful padmé. strong and courageous with a heart made of kyber. she made anakin so very happy and for that alone he might have loved her. but she was always greater than the sum of her parts, and he mourns her for her own sake.)

"Then you're his family." It feels like a razors in his throat."Yes." "Good." He looks up in surprise. Beru is still looking at him keenly. "Were you there for his birth? Who named him?" "I...yes. Padmé lived long enough to name him."(and his sister. just as tiny and just as perfect and so very clearly her parents child. it had hurt to hand her over, to know she would grow up without her brother, without him to watch over her. but she would be loved. bail could keep her safe in ways he cannot. it is for the best. but his heart still aches). "I brought him to you soon after"

Something in his response makes Beru relax slightly (distantly he recalls a conversation with anakin, children follow the mother.) "And you love him? You'd protect him?" "Yes." His voice is stronger now, full of certainty. "Beru, where are you going with this?"

She takes a deep breath. "You're still an outsider here, so there are things you don't quite get yet. Me and Owen? We're both freehold stock, descendants of slaves who bought their way out. Our families are well established, reputable. We might not be rich but so long as we don't break any laws or get too far into debt no-one's gonna try taking us in." Ben doesn't like the sound of this. "But?"

Beru raises one hand to ruffle Luke's downy hair. He's begun to drift off, head nestled against Ben's shoulder and at the movement he lets out a quiet protest. "But, with the Rep- sorry, Empire, no longer enforcing the ban pretty soon every scum sucking sleemo this side of Ord Mantell is going to want to cash in on the flesh trade. And they're not going to care where exactly their stock comes from. Luke is freeborn. You just confirmed it. But that doesn't mean shit if there isn't something to back it up. Our reputation, that's something. One day though it might not be. I need you to promise me Ben, something happens to us? You claim him. You're family, you'll look after him. And unless I'm very much mistaken, you have the skills to back up your claim."

His gut roils at the picture Beru paints, but there is no question as to his response. He has already made this oath once, a silent vow to the newborn bundle of hope clutched against his chest. It takes no effort to verbalise it now."I will. I swear to you, Beru Whitesun-Lars, that as long as I still live and breathe I will do everything within my power to ensure the safety and happiness of Luke Skywalker."

She looks amused by his formality. "I'll keep you to that."There is a moment's silence, broken only by the occasional whine from the sleeping boy. "So, I'll expect you over for weekly dinner. No excuses. Luke needs to get to know his Uncle Ben if he's gonna start learning the mystic stuff and you need fattening up"

Once he had been known as the Negotiator. A thousand diplomats had done their best to stump him only to fall prey to his silver tongue. And yet it is the simple self assured statement from a moisture farmer's mouth that leaves Ben speechless."What!? Beru, I'm still a wanted man. We agreed - it's best for everyone if I keep away."

"Banthashit. Owen agrees with you but you're both wrong. He thinks the further away you stay the safer it'll be. That it's your sort of trouble that'll put Luke most at risk. Me? I remember Shmi's stories. I remember the young man I met and the woman who followed him."

She grins, sharp and bright. "I remember it was both of 'em who made the decision to go running straight into danger. If he's anything like them, Luke won't wait for your trouble to find him - he'll find he local stuff first. And when he does? Now that Jabba's on the rise? Owen and I aren't going to be enough to keep him safe."

"You don't understand. I am a danger, to Luke and to you." (failure, pain, too close and they suffer. luke must not suffer) "It doesn't matter. I know you're grieving, that you're trying to punish yourself for something. But the stakes just got higher. I've heard stories about the Jedi. Don't know how many of them are true, but if those skills could save his life one day Luke needs to learn."

He tries again. "Beru, the Empire is actively seeking out Force sensitives. I can hide myself, but it is a skill that takes time to learn. Luke is powerful. You have no idea what they would do to him should he be discovered."

"All the more reason for him to start soon." She looks him in the eyes, unflinching. "I swore an oath too Ben. I swore on Shmi's memory that no grandchild of hers was ever going to live as a slave. I swore it the day I swore my marriage oath, and I will keep both until the day I die. I love that boy. If I could I'd let him grow up never knowing the fear of enslavement. But I know now I can't. So Hutt or Empire, I want him to be strong enough to break their chains. And for that, I need your help."

(the force rings with her sincerity and he knows what he must do. he is reminded of the other determined young women he has known. he hopes this time things will end better).

He closes his eyes. "It will not be without risk. Even in peace time the life of a Jedi was not an easy one." Beru smiles sadly. "Nothing worthwhile ever is. If the price of his freedom is die a hero then so be it. At least he will die free."

And suddenly he can see it, the echoes of the future that awaits, the man this child will become (a stubborn boy with reckless fervour, a smiling youth with fire in his veins, a centred knight burning with resolve. his father's drive, his mother's compassion mixed with beru's will and owen's practicality, a touch of cunning humour obi-wan recognises as his own. and underneath it all the overwhelming love of a family.)

Ben grins, wide and genuine. "Let's try to do without heroic sacrifices for the moment shall we? Unless we are counting changing Luke's underclothes, in which case I will note that nobody ever accused me of being the hero without fear."

Beru's laughter is loud enough to wake the said child from his slumber, and as the wave of grumpy indignation washed over his senses Ben lets go and joins her. As their giggles die down Beru turns to him again.

"Thank you Ben. You have no idea how relieved I feel. Things don't seem so dark anymore" (with his nephew cradled close and his new friend by his side he cannot help but agree). "My pleasure. What else is family for?" He thinks for a moment. "You get to break it to you husband though." Beru coughs. "Let me sort out Owen. You just focus on not becoming one with the desert. Seriously, how have you survived out here?" This time Luke joins him in his laughter.

***Fifteen? years later***

Maul is dead. Truly dead. Fitting, that it should all end here, on the same planet where it all began. Obi-Wan (and he is obi-wan now, jedi master and guardian of their last hope. tomorrow he will go back to being uncle ben the hermit, herder of banthas and adolescent troublemakers but tonight he is obi-wan) takes a deep breath and looks back toward the canyon where he lay his old foe to rest. Perhaps now his soul will find peace in the Force. In his pocket lie the cracked remains of a pair of kyber crystals - he doesn't know why he picked them up. Perhaps it was sentiment, the desire to keep a hold of a long lost past, no matter how painful. It didn't matter - he will realise their purpose eventually.

He draws near the homestead, the lights from the kitchen casting long shadows against the pale adobe walls. A quick flicker against his shields lets him know that Luke has noticed his presence and he sends back a brief reassurance. He is fine. They are all fine.

Beru greets him at the door, one hand wiping itself against the front of her apron, the other discretely hidden behind her where he knows she carries a spare blaster. "Finished your business then?" He gives her a weary smirk. "For now at least." She relaxes, waving him inside before hesitating for a moment. "There's a storm coming, isn't there?" He knows she is not speaking literally. "Yes. Not immediately, but soon." She sighs.

"Just as well then we've prepared in advance. Come on, or else Luke will have eaten the rest of the stew. I have no idea where he puts it all!

Obi-Wan smiles. "His father was much the same at this age. Though I can assure you Luke has far better table manners."

Her laughter echoes reverberates through the corridor and they are met by an enthusiastic "Uncle Ben!" and a grunted "Kenobi." at the table.

It turns out Luke has not, in fact, devoured the last of the stew, but he does manage to levitate the rest of the flatbread onto his plate while no-one is looking. Obi-Wan looks at the boy's gleeful expression, his aunt's mock outrage and shares an fond look with his fellow uncle. (this. he thinks. this is what I protect.)

Later he is woken by the piercing call of a flytbat hunting though the night sky. On a whim he ventures outside, settling himself against a broken vaporator and running the broken June crystals between his fingers. He reaches out into the darkness. Beneath the sand the insects rest, and in the canyons bantha huddle against one another in their sleep. Behind him he feels the sleeping minds of us family, Luke shining like a full moon in the Force, his shields relaxed in sleep. The desert is full of life. All is well.

#star wars #my fic #what am i even doing

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