#and i dont know if it’s intentional or if im just being an insecure little bitch but it fucking hurts

[canarydarity]

having a normal one watching Bdubs lim life tonight and thinking about how when Bdubs betrayed Tango in last life, Skizz told Tango that for the sake of team best he had to go and forgive him.

But when Bdubs boogey kills Skizz in lim life before team ties is even really formed, Skizz is allowed to have it out for Bdubs for almost the entire first half of the season, even when the clockers ally with them and it would've been easier to let sleeping dogs lie.

Tango, the perpetually extraneous and undervalued member of his alliances...the too often shoved aside and betrayed...being told it was his duty to the team to forgive bdubs and move on....

But no one—especially not Tango—tried to tell Skizz to let it go.

#and like. now im thinking about how no one is ever really ride or die for tango. ever #people are allied with him but no one PRIORITIZES him #as a team rancher fan myself id be tempted to argue Jimmy is but you can just as easily point to how that was in a way self serving #and I dont just mean with the soulmate mechanic so worrying about tango was worrying about himself for jimmy #but i mean it in the way of jimmy was so worried about tango because #jimmy was worried about HIMSELF being the thing that hindered him and dragged him down #whihc is not to say that jimmy didnt also worry about tango #but it is to say that the dl rule set played heavily on jimmys insecurities and fears #he was most of the time worried about himself. YES because of how that affected tango. but also because it served his guilt complex #and so his intentions were colored by that as someone whos incredibly willing to make himself the problem whenevr he sees fit #whihc is again nothing on him hes my fave ya know i love the guy #i just mean even in double life where by design it shouldve happened tango wasnt made anyones top priority #not in the way that we come to see it across many other pairs. not in the obsessive worrying about his safety #or just in the general Being Weird About Each Other Way #sure you could argue skizz and tango last life...tango was for a while skizzs priority—until skizz shifted his sights to team best #even when team best wasnt giving their all backt o him that was skizzs focus #and if tango were really his priority over the wellbeing of the team such as it was for bdubs and etho #skizz wouldnt have tried to make tango forgive bdubs after he was betrayed #skizz wouldnt have kept asking tango to give more and more to a team he got little if not nothing out of over and over.....just #GAH! NO ONES EVER DEVOTED TO TANGO!!! NO ONE EVER CHOOSES TANGO TO BE THEIR //PERSON// THEIR. HES NEVER SOMEONES TOP PRIORITY #again im nto saying teh ranchers werent devoted to each other you know i love them more than anything in the whole world #i just mean. not in exactly the way i mean.... #and not completely when jimmy was so (understadnably) preoccupied with trying not to carry on his curse again #especially while attached to someone else #worm says

[mazzy-rockstar]

Monday blues are hitting me hard today

#you can ignore this if you want cause im gonna talk a lot of shit and sads and feelings #but as i’ve realised i literally have no one to empty my heart out to irl #and it’s fucking heartbreaking cause i love my friends but I don’t think they love me back #which is an insane though but I genuinely think it’s true like #i moved away 4 ish months ago and i know that communication comes from both side but like i wanted to test smt #so i stopped texting first and guess what?? only 2 friends texted me #1 because she’s genuinely a good friend i think and the other because she needed money (which i gave her like a fucking fool) #my heart just hurts cause i realised i’m not as important to them as they are to me and I’m completely misreading our relationship and #it sucks because I thought they were going to be my friends for life but now they’re all posting recaps of 2023 and im in none of their pics #even in pics where i was present at the time #and i dont know if it’s intentional or if im just being an insecure little bitch but it fucking hurts #i just want to be important to someone #i want to be someone’s person #not a last resort like #they keep doing stuff together which i get like life moves on and i’m the one that left #but not a single text or a pic or a ‘we miss you!’ #not even a fucking heart on insta stories #am i being desperate?? or do I actually have shitty friends #like i have impostor syndrome in my own fucking friendgroup??? #I can’t just drop them either cause then I’ll actually have no one #idk i must exude some sort of energy #i dont think ive ever had a genuine good best friend like for some reason they leave after 3 years #(and this is why i have trust issues and attachment disorders) #anyway I’ll probably just suck it up and go about my day #ive lived 24 years like this what’s an entire life #it’s wild cause i have a good time whenever i’m with them (i think) and then i leave and it’s crickets #i feel like hired entertainment sometimes #idk my head hurts so I’m probably overthinking but like these feelings come from somewhere right? #i have to stop

[the-s1lly-corner]

uh, hi i’m pretty new to this but can you do a tadc headcannons for a reader who constantly wears a box and/or paper bag on their head because they don’t like how they look?

i’m not expecting you to see this! i’m just curious

TADC cast x reader who wears a box on their head due to their looks!

sorry it took me so long to get to this! my feelings have been in a bit of whirlwind lately and my motivation has taken a nose dive and i may or may not have stopped answering requests chronologically in favor of answering the ones that are easier on my brain </3

CAINE:

assuming he knows you wear it because you feel insecure, i think he would do his best to try to uplift you; especially if you guys are friends and/or partners! he cant stand the idea of you not liking yourself as much as he likes you, you know? makes it a point to tell you that he thinks youre attractive, as well as giving you extra affection... kind of goes overkill, will likely do way too much to try to cheer you up. like im talking he probably dedicates a firework show to you or puts your name in lights, stuff like that to let you know that he cares a lot... but hes got good intentions, i promise!

POMNI:

i think she would find out about the reason behind the box after you open up to her about it. she always just assumed that it was a part of your digital body... and it very well could be, just detachable, like how zooble can take parts of themselves off... not the best at comforting you and telling you youre pretty, but i think her awkwardness and stammering makes her words more sincere. they dont sound rehearsed and scripted, you know? it sounds more natural and earnest. you cant help but believe her when she says she thinks youre pretty, if you decide to show her what you look like under the box

RAGATHA:

also very sweet about it. does not ask for you to take off the box, but she does express that you can unwind around her... very reassuring whenever its brought up, in fact i dont think she wound bring it up unless you did, fearing that she would make you feel pressured to take it off. little scenario but i do think that if you took the box off around her for the first time she kind of just. doesnt notice for a moment before actually paying attention and she kind of just stands there and stares, before simply saying youre beautiful. doesnt make a big stink of it, you know?

JAX:

has probably drawn on your box at least once or put something on it (gum, stickers, slime, ect) but i dont think he would keep doing it when he finds out why you do it... though.... he does purposefully break gangles mask/steps on it so im not... actually sure about that. hmm... i think he would try to play it casual when you bring up your thoughts of yourself to him, though it may come off as him minimizing your feelings. to put it simply jax doesnt think there should be a huge fuss about it. i mean its not like its your real face... might lead to some conflict due to him not having much empathy, for you.. apologies to the jax enjoyers but i do think he would steal the box to try to prove that its not that deep

KINGER:

also thinks that the box is just a part of you before you fill him in on the reasoning around it. displays some brief curiosity before apologizing for prying. i think he would have a similar scenario to ragatha where he wouldnt realize that you took the box off around him for a minute... though unlike ragatha, he doesnt just say youre pretty. i think he would pick apart every part of your face and complement it.. though, i think he generally complements every aspect of you, face or not... you know? not quite as bold as caine, but just as much of a sap, you know?

ZOOBLE:

kind of understands, since theyre a little... complicated and they like switching out their parts to fit whatever feel that want to have that day. but im not sure how deep their feelings would go, because i can kind of see them being similar to jax in this scenario, but less of an asshole. they wont take your box, nor will they write off your insecurities because they actually hold some understanding to them. i think they would offer to help you find a look that you feel comfortable with, sometimes a little something can change a lot of things, you know? but if its something more deep rooted, they would let you talk about it... doesnt speak much on the box since ultimately thats youre business. though, you cant help but notice them complimenting your skills and talents more now that youve opened up to them

GANGLE:

i think she would relate to it. i recall seeing someone say that gangle isnt actually more confident and happy with her comedy mask, rather its a false thing to pretend theyre happy. and honestly, i can see it. id tag the person but i saw this a while ago and i failed to save it </3

moving on, i think she would find some kind of relatability in you. like sure, its not the exact same thing, but you guys are both hiding aspects of yourself behind an object. she wouldnt ever dare make you feel pressured to take it off around her. i think out of all the characters, asides ragatha, shes the best with making you feel comfortable. you can take it off around her when youre ready. i dont think she would flood you with compliments, but i do think she would do her damndest to make you feel good about yourself. leaves you lots of notes reminding you how much she values you + little doodles

#tadc x reader #the amazing digital circus x reader #digital circus x reader #caine x reader #pomni x reader #ragatha x reader #jax x reader #kinger x reader #zooble x reader #gangle x reader

[vaniloqu3nce]

Yoko Headcanons Pt 3. (this has been in my draft for a while)

Yoko isn’t a big romcom fan but Enid and Divina are so her and Wednesday end up watching them begrudgingly for their girls. That does NOT stop them from complaining though.

Wednesday: Yoko I can feel my brain cells deteriorating.

Yoko: Girl same im getting dumber watching this and I’m already the dumbest person here.

Unlike Enid, Divina helps Yoko study on her own and teaches Yoko little tricks to help her remember things in class. Enid usually just lets her copy.

Though Yoko acts very confident, she does have a lot of insecurities surrounding her intelligence because she’s never been really good at operating in a school setting. Things that don’t immediately capture her attention will often not keep her attention very long.

Yoko can sit and read Wednesday’s books for an hour straight squealing but she cannot take a math test for thirty minutes.

Yoko finds out Wednesday likes Enid (not that she didn’t already guess) because Viper so obviously has a crush on a new character that’s supposed to be Enid.

Enid and Yoko met in their freshmen year, Yoko tried flirting with Enid but Enid wasn’t really interested. Which is how they became best friends.

Young Yoko was a bit more of a menace and much more spoiled due to her wealthy upbringing. She absolutely thought she could have anyone she wanted and Enid was like “I’m not really attracted to you.”

Yoko: Not possible but OKAY.

Enid: Well do you want to be friends?

Yoko: This is literally the most embarrassing day of my life. Yes.

Enid and Yoko are literally inseparable. Yoko is an only child and Enid has only brothers. They’re literally so thankful for each other.

Because of her upbringing, Yoko has a lot of trouble showing and expressing negative emotions. Enid is like a sister to her and is always patient with Yoko when she needs time.

Yoko calls Divina princess, at first it was an insult because she’s stuck up and such, but it grew on both of them. Yoko is very affectionate with Divina when they’re alone, Divina loves it.

Divina: Get up. We have class.

Yoko: Come back to bed, princess. It’s cold.

Divina: Because you’re dead. Get up.

Yoko: You don’t love me.

Divina, rolling her eyes and climbing back into bed with her: You’re right. I hate you.

Yoko: Mhm. :)

Nobody in their right mind besides Enid would believe Yoko is so affectionate and loving because outwardly she is so against relationships and she kicks girls out as soon as they’re done. “I’d call you a cab but you live next door.”

Yoko is in fact only soft for Divina.

I raise you Yoko and Wednesday having a talk about being afraid of emotions.

I raise you Enid and Divina wondering if their girls actually like them because they have those kinds of insecurities and little do they know their girls would die for them without question.

I raise you Wednesday at first being jealous of Yoko until she realizes there couldn’t be anything to be jealous of because all Enid and Yoko do is argue.

Yoko, kicking the door down: Wednesday get your fucking girlfriend shes DOING IT AGAIN

Enid: Babe DONT LISTEN TO HER SHES LYING

Wednesday, sighing: Do you want this chapter done or not, Yoko?

Yoko: with ALL MY HEART MI AMOR

Enid: STOP FLIRTING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND FOR CHAPTERS

Yoko: STOP TELLING MY GIRLFRIEND WHEN I SKIP CLASS

Basically Wednesday was jealous up until she realized they’re basically siblings and they are trying to kill each other at least 90% of the time.

Divina had to win over Enid and Wednesday first. It was like asking for their daughter’s hand in marriage.

Wednesday: What are your intentions with our idiot?

Enid: I will skin you alive if you ever hurt her.

Wednesday: I’m so in love with you.

Thing, Yoko, and Enid have girls nights.

Yoko never liked Tyler either. “He just looks like a card board cut out.”

Yoko actually wants to become a movie director but not many people know that. Specifically horror movies.

Yoko was the kind of kid who would film her own movies on her phone.

Since Yoko has trouble expressing herself, her forms of love come in physical ways. Bumping Enid in the halls, playing with Divina’s fingers in class when she’s distracted, ect.

Wednesday and Yoko actually become amazing friends. They have a lot to bond over. Their love of horror, they both hate Tyler, they both have girlfriends who love them more than anything, they’re both bad at expressing emotions.

#yoko tanaka #divina wednesday #yokovina #wenclair #enid sinclair #enid #wednesday #wednesday addams #i love yoko #yoko and enid but platonic <3 #yoko and wednesday having more in common than enid and yoko #they’re so good #i love friendships #if you want strong female friendships you create them yourself

[naneun-no]

Hi! So... Am I the only one who thinks Jikook haven't been living under the same roof for quite a while now? I feel like some people, esp Jikookers, don't even want to see it as a possibility, but if we don't want to start acting like a cult we need to start developing some critical thinking (which I think is healthy and needs to be done) Also, I've seen a lot of people say "JK is having a hard time, imagine not spending every second with your partner like you used to bc of his crazy schedule" and tbh, I was thinking just like that at first, but now? Jimin is busy, yes of course, but he clearly has time to hang out with Hobi or even going to visit Jin (which was so nice to see btw, not complaining) I honestly don't think JK and Jimin are hanging out much, actually, I dont even think they see each other often, since JK seems to be living his best introverted life and quite isolated from the rest of the boys (except Tae, which Im kind of glad, at least he is getting out of the house and having a good time) Maybe we should start considering the possibility of them just not sharing time bc they simply chose to and not bc Jimin is busy with his album. I now what they chose to share with us is just a small part of their lives, and there could be a million other possible scenarios, Im not saying Im right or wrong, just what's been on my mind lately. Im not coming here as an insecure Jikooker to seek for aproval, or with bad intentions, Im just sharing my thoughts and genuinely curious to know if anyone else thinks on a similar way. Thank you for taking the time to read💜

Hey! I appreciate the kind way you phrased all of this. In short, if you’ve ever read anything I’ve posted you know what I’m gonna say next: maybe that’s true and feel free to think that 🤷‍♀️

I still don’t get why the idea that they’ve chosen not to spend any time together (which we have no evidence of except for a lack of evidence the other way) is more compelling than the idea that they do in fact spend plenty of time together and just don’t share it (which we also have no evidence of except for the way they treat each other when we do see them). Both have a dearth of evidence, except one seems out of character.

Does that make sense? Like it’s perfectly possible they don’t hang. But also, they were like magnets on all the final Run BTS episodes. Not just magnets but affectionate, touchy, best-friend-or-more type magnets. But also, Jung Kook asked Jimin to come over during a recent live, while being all giggly and cheesy and excited to see him. It didn’t seem like a “it’s been so long, I’m saying this just out of an awkward sense of duty,” to me — it seemed like something that probably happens often. Jimin said something to the effect of “I’ll come after work” or something close, right? (He said many other things too but that was the only one that correlated directly to hanging out other than the one where he expressed desire to tie back JK’s hair which could be innocuous or could be something he does when they hang out, who knows?). But also, JK told his boxing instructor that JM would come soon, but also JM talked to that same instructor like he knew him well, and likely has gone with JK to lessons in the past. But also, it really hasn’t been that long since JK’s weirdly sexual/teasing birthday video for Jimin and now several members have had birthdays pass and nobody else got that treatment. But also… the list goes on, I’m sure there’s more but my coffee’s getting cold.

So, I can’t speak for all Jikookers because we are in fact not a cult, so there aren’t established patterns of belief that we all must adhere to. You think maybe they’ve stopped hanging out cause they haven’t shared it with you. Cool. Many others, myself included, think it’s unlikely that you would abruptly stop hanging out with someone who clearly means so much to you while still continuing to treat said person in a loving, flirty, domestic manner. They don’t act like exes, not even a little bit, so we have no reason to think they are. I think it seems much more in character for them to be preserving the final shreds of privacy they have to protect the relationship that means more to them than the other ones; or at least means something different.

Idk, but if you actually believed them to be dating at any point, or even just as close of friends as they appear, regardless of dating, think of how that would look if they suddenly stopped speaking.

Remember when Tae and JK did kinda stop hanging out? Remember how it was kind of obvious through their interactions that they weren’t as close, and then they full on addressed it in that conversation and talked about how they needed to put more effort into their friendship (which kudos to them, like you said, seems like they are). If anything, Jimin and JK’s relationship over the years has seemed even more close and symbiotic than almost any other friendship in the group except maybe vmin. So I would think if that was crumbling away, we’d see a lot more in their interactions than giggly, sweet, heart eyes and “eat well my baby” comments.

Feel free to disagree!

#jikook #kookmin #jimin and jungkook #anonymous ask

[theflyingkipper]

why Rebbeca look like she almost has Gordon's attitude 😂 but anyway she look so good on your drawing style

ohhh thank you 🤗💕

making her look a bit more snooty/uptight was my intention, I dont like her bland happy-go-lucky personality

if we can show love to ONE snooty express engine, why not two ? and also because *ahem* girl characters who act arrogant rarely get redeemed or appreciated in spite of their attitude. and I feel girl characters in thomas kind of get stuck with this :) im nice personality, and I would like to give them more distinct attitudes because... girls have just as much variation and depth as boys why is this something that needs to be said

ANYWAY here is my take on rebecca in writing (+some of her development and relationships with other characters, especially Nia)

In my headcanon, Rebecca is more of a "little miss perfect" type, she has a clean record, excellent performance. shes a modern light pacific and she knows it . Her attitude actually drives Gordon a little insane because Rebecca seems to be stealing sir topham's good graces from him XD

(Thomas tells him not to be such a hypocrite.)

Rebecca has a few glaring problems that she masks with anger or indifference. she has mechanical trouble (wheelslip mostly) that can get especially bad sometimes, and if anyone points it out she tries to pretend she heard nothing.

[I like to think around this point (I should mention I dont have a clear timeline for anything I make I just have vague estimates of decades/time periods because ill make my head explode if I try) which is about the late 70s, is some years after Emily arrives. I really like the idea of Emily being a replica of a stirling single, rather than an original because its fitting of her attitude and ive seen a lot of REALLY detailed headcanons of it by various people.]

Emily and Rebecca butt heads at first. Rebeccas shiny and modern, while Emily's a thing of the past- and not even one deserving of high regard because she's a replica! The two start off HATING each other and Emily doesn't have anything nice to say about her to the rest of the fleet. And it's not like Rebecca has had any compliments to give either! She calls Rosie a latrine-mouthed three-humped camel.

Nia at this time is being switched around between jobs, and while Rosie is out of service, she gets to be station pilot at Tidmouth for a while.

(I HC that Nias paintwork and general upkeep wasnt too good before she was rehomed on Sodor, and at this time she's been NWR blue since her arrival)

Rebecca initially thinks the engine who will take over Rosie's shunting duties is Thomas, since she's told a "little blue engine" will be arriving to help. Since the last impression Rebecca had of Thomas was him telling Gordon not to be such a hypocrite, she expects he'll be waiting on her wheel and axle.

She realizes there's more than one little blue engine, and is surprised to see a long engine with 8 wheels, a cowcatcher and extra cylinders. Blue with red stripes, but not Thomas.

Nia greets Rebecca with her usual "how are your wheels? how are your axles and boiler?" And even agrees that her "three-humped-camel" joke was funny. Rebecca starts off thinking Nia's going to kiss up to her.

She is wrong 💕

Nia knows a thing or two about dealing with grumpy sticks in the mud.

Rebecca, several times, tries to push Nia's buttons. She implores "aren't you tired of pushing coaches around all day? Don't you want to see the world?" And expects Nia to get all puffed up. Nia says she's been all over the world, and likes to stay in one place for a change.

Throughout Nia's time as a station pilot, she learns that Rebecca is actually very insecure, and she can see how her wheels spin painfully if she starts too fast. She points this out once and Rebecca, who's been trying to hide this, and is at her wits end that day, just blurts out that it's nothing, nothings wrong with her.

Rebecca ends up damaging her drive wheels and axles after she fails on Gordon's hill and is shamefully sent for repairs at Crovan's gate. and Henry pushes her to the works.

While Rebecca's being loaded in, Henry tries to be kind and tells Rebecca that it isn't her fault she was built the way she was. Rebecca thinks:

what would you, a big strong Black 5 know about that? Aren't you lot Stanier's swan song?

She's achingly tired of engines noticing her faults, especially ones who perform mechanically sound and clearly wouldnt know a thing about what fronts she has to put up to stay respectable. She's pleasantly surprised (though she doesn't show it) that Henry does, in fact, know exactly how she feels.

Rebecca's damage is more severe than originally thought, and a more extensive overhaul is planned. She's hoisted in the air and much of her chassis is detached.

Meanwhile, Nia arrives at the works for maintenance and a new coat of paint. Rebecca watches from above as Nia's repainted in KUR colors.

Rebecca: That's a... distinct color. It's quite becoming. Nia: was that a compliment I heard? From you?

*Rebecca has to keep from spluttering.*

Rebecca: ...I know a nice livery when I see one.

Nia: (grinning) maybe you should get repainted to something nice and bright too. Like a bright yellow and red.

(She looks across the works at Molly and Rosie, who are trying not to giggle)

Rebecca: *gasps and scoffs* I like my paint the way it is, thank you very much.

Rebecca comes back from the works a different engine, still prone to bouts of arrogance and uptightness, but a much more understanding engine who doesn't have to put up such huge facades to be respected.

Over the next few years she ends up properly becoming friends with Nia, Gordon, Rosie, Molly, and Emily. I think the idea of she and Emily having a race and making funny banter would be amazing.

See, Mattel ???you can do cool and interesting things with your girl characters and Im only at the TIP of the iceberg with my Rebecca story ideas XD

#long post #WOWIE I got carried away XD #i hope everyone has fun reading this I got so fixated on it #also rebecca does not get painted yellow I should add #this is an anti banana rebecca blog #ttte rebecca #ttte nia #ttte rosie #ttte emily #ttte molly #kips cant shut up #ttte headcanon #ttte #thomas the tank engine #asks

[mangoisms]

Im just soso obsessed with figuring out tim as a character rn i cant stop thinking abt it (ive always been a jason todd girlie but i read ur fic and that angsty twink latched onto me and refuses to let go)

I think u have a pretty good hold of him, especially bc in present comics writers are so intent on elevating tim in spite of other characters (barbara and her hacking skills for example, or any comparison made btw him and any robin, really) that most portrayals of him are so boring it makes me cry, while you on the other hand took the approach to write about his flaws (which are MANY) while still making him charming and handsome (he is so... !!!!)

To me flaws are also tied to not only the good traits of characters but also their core beliefs and ideals so what can you say abt tim?

I know he can be stupidly arrogant and patronizing at times, that he's always idolized the position and legacy of robin and constantly fights his insecurities with this role and his abilities for the job, that he can also be incredibly selfish or outright mean when it comes to being mindful of other people's feelings for the sake of logic (re when he didnt tell tam abt his dad not being actually dead), but at the same time i cant figure out exactly what he wants to do with his role as robin (or red robin) or why he would want to keep going when his main goals first were just making sure bruce wouldnt go down a dark path, im pretty sure he mentioned not being a vigilante forever but his actual goals remain unclear to me

(Im in the midst of reading his solo robin run but ive read red robin so give me a little room for this, you are definitely free to talk abt more of his comics bc i havent read everything yet and everything im saying should be taken with a grain of salt, video essays and the issues ive read can only get me so far)

He could have gained an inherent desire to help people after all his time as robin and the so fucked up shit that happened to him, maybe as a ways to channel his grief (much like dick and jason and bruce, im thinking abt identity crisis here) after he isnt "needed" as robin anymore, but at the same time that would be so tragic because he was supposed to be different to them, he was supposed to remark the importance of robin's role in helping be "batman's light" and not becoming like batman himself, its just so interesting and im still trying to really understand the extent of his character so id just. Love to get ur thoughts and musings on what fuels tim as a character and how you see him

(I dont have this problem with jason bc his moral conflict is very crystal clear to me and also so freaking juicy, his actions are logical and so understable, granted he also hasnt had as much screentime as tim and i can see when writers just Dont Get Him, misunderstanding the original intent of his character coming back etc etc etc, tim has grown and evolved throughout his tim as robin so this might factor in too)

Anyways sorry for the long post i hope this is alright !!! Loved ur fic to bits and ur writing is a blessing mwah

okay HI i am not exaggerating when i say that i have been thinking about this ask since you sent it HAHA tim is just a parasite in my brain he won't let go...

that's the funny thing about portrayals of him today... i feel like people want to elevate him as a potential batman or a character closest to bruce in terms of intelligence and detective skills, which isn't true at all, i think (because, exactly, you have babs Right There), and of course, narratively, this is all a good thing (this post covers it well, i think). it's in the same vein of people making tim out as the most dangerous person in the batfam, should he ever chose to go down the path, which i can partially blame red robin (2009) for with this panel....

(and i don't think that's true either. he has the potential to be dangerous just like any of the others but i think the ones to really be scared of are babs, dick, and cass but ANYWAY)

in general, red robin 2009 was a bumpy time for tim with bruce's death and his spiraling, but it seemed to really inform what they were going to do with his character. no more time for the civilian life, committing himself much more thoroughly to The Mission like bruce. which is, if you ask me, a negative progression of his character, which isn't bad, exactly, in terms of storytelling, but it feels like all we get are the 'good parts' now -- the intelligence, the status, the resources, and then we don't get to grapple with the consequences.

there were some in red robin 2009 but it was more tim accepting them and making no move to change his actions, which is fine, but now... idk. but i also don't touch modern comics with a ten foot pole so this could just be. Wrong. but that seems like what's going on. so i feel like that's where people get the idea of him being... idk not the Perfect Robin exactly but. you know?

no no yeah i totally agree!

re (because i want to break this down i'm telling you i have Been Thinking About This): at the same time i cant figure out exactly what he wants to do with his role as robin (or red robin) or why he would want to keep going when his main goals first were just making sure bruce wouldnt go down a dark path, im pretty sure he mentioned not being a vigilante forever but his actual goals remain unclear to me

exactly this. he did say that and i've reblogged this at some point i think, showing a panel from robin 1993 where he mentioned he wouldn't be a vigilante forever, then paralleled with that panel i put in earlier from red robin 2009. (there's this post, which touches on another thing about tim trying to set himself apart as having friends and thus not being bruce LOL which is another topic entirely)

i think that was what red robin 2009 was - a negative progression of his character, one that, again, we never really grapple with, especially as dc shoves robin back onto him now.

his motivations are an interesting thing to me, because he did start out coincidentally, saying batman needed a robin but he didn't assume he'd be that robin, it just kind of happened because he was there (well much more went into it but you know?).

but aside from that, i've never gotten the impression tim really does it for people. i mean batman in general has been about the detective work but i think towards the 80s/90s/00s there was a shift to focusing on the people but tim has never really struck me as a hero of the people. he's more about fighting crime than he is about helping people. i think it is partially informed by the genre - re detective comics, etc - but still. he's not like, say, peter parker/spider-man, who is a hero of the people, of the working class. the people are inherent to him as spider-man. tim does it out of duty and responsibility i think, being the light to batman's dark, of course, but he's also very much a teenage boy about being robin - the cool factor, pointedly mentioning he wants to let off steam by knocking around 'criminals' that kind of thing

which doesn't mean he's unfit for it but he operates in an odd grey area as far as his motivation goes, which i think is where we get red robin? he was defined by being robin and he did his job, then he got the boot. so it is very much an identity crisis but we're seeing that negative change as he changes for the worse, for something darker. i mean, yes, red robin 2009 was again bumpy because he was at a very low point in his life but in general, that run was dark for him.

editorial wise, we'd never get to see what they made of it because they did the reboot and started new-52 a few years after. but whether he'd continue being red robin/going down this path, or if he'd shed the identity and go for something lighter... it's hard to say.

i kind of like the thought that he'd change his identity and try to take a lighter approach, try to pull himself from bruce's influence, though with how it's all set it up, it seems fated that he'd end up there. there was red robin 2009, but then there was his sixteenth birthday incident (which sounds bad here and i'd read this before reading it myself but god when i read it it pissed me off so bad... really what turned me off bruce as a 'good' father figure, i can't lie). he ultimately ends up going back and becoming robin and this is the turning point for him where he agrees to enter this mindset that bruce wants him to be in. (this post talks mainly about timsteph but it is also a point to the end about the shift in his character and how that affected his relationships as well)

i mean i know red robin 2009 is marked by the grief of bruce's 'death' and a bunch of other Very Bad Shit but even when we got past that and he had his little 'Let me let in the people who love me because i am Not batman' he then proceeded to go a little surveillance crazy and make a hit list (something like that, it's been a while..) but. yeah.

ultimately, at the core of his character, i think he is good and compassionate and kind, so, even aside from all that (like the birthday incident), i think he would've made his way there eventually. it could maybe be why we see him returning to robin, if we wanted to try and pretend dc making him be robin is a completely normal and logical decision that they actually thought through. like a way to return to the bases and feel it out from there. though i still think they could've just. idk. given him a BREAK from vigilantism to figure it out. i'm a big proponent of civilians and their place amongst vigilantes and superheroes and i feel like tim's due a break, which is why i put that stuff in my fics. i do want to see him step back and try to figure out his life, because at one point, though robin 1993 was arguably defined by the balance between robin and tim drake and had plenty of civilian friends to keep things interesting, we don't see much as far as what he wants to do. which i suppose could be part of his relatability factor that tim drake, the character, was conceived with

but idk at this point they have to give us something 😭 anyway. this got VERY long i am very sorry.. i don't mind long asks either but i might've overshot my response... alas. i also hope i more or less answered your question??? if not feel free to slide back in here and talk to me! i rambled a bit here and it's like. 3am rn i'm scheduling this to post because i wanted to get it all written Now and. yeah.

thank you SO much very happy to hear you're enjoying everything <333 hope you continue to enjoy :**

#also thank YOU for all your thoughts?? like i said i was Thinkign About This #and i had posts in mind for it and yeah. yeah. i was thinking about it all week HAHA #but also like twin brain moment because you get him <3 he is charming and handsome but he also has SOOOO many flaws and is actually rlly #annoying and puts his foot in his mouth TOO MUCH #so. YEAH. sorry this is long don't feel obligated to respond to All Of This <3 but if you have any q's feel free to ask <3 #inbox #long post

[chew-and-spit-it]

I've reached a point in my ED were I dont weigh myself anymore, dont count calories, nor anything remotely disordered I guess, at least to a intentional level.

But I'm surely not recovered, and I do not eat in a normal way either.

i've let go the habits that I had to force on myself and honestly I just focus on protein and at the point I'm at I dont even have to think about not eating.

I have days were I eat the normal amount of meals (3) and I feel like shit and insecure. But that happens so rarely that I really don't need to do shit about it.

My day consists of high protein breakfast, and all the macros and then I just have that for the day in terms of meals and have small bites of food or snacks.

I honestly should stop with the mini packages of peanut m&m because at this point Its an addiction.

Im honestly worse when it comes to malnourishment right now than how I was a year or so ago when I was obsessing over my diet, but who cares?

I do 2h of artistic skating 3 to 4 days a week and walk.

I don't know my weigh but people have told me Im skinnier.

I dont feel much skinnier but I do feel like my body got a bit toned.

I still wish I was skinny, but not so intensely if that makes sense, I'm just not so desperate anymore, prbably because now Im much less obsessive.

I am painfully anemic but that adds a twist to it lol.

Even though I'm not obsessing over starving myself it's like nwo I learned to do it unsconsciously. Eating is not a chore but It's something that I need energy to do? Also, I think I got so picky with my food, to the point that unless I have what I crave and want to eat I will not eat. Even if there's been more than 8h since I last ate.

This of course has consequences, my body temperature goes crazy, and I feel like I cant handle any type of indoors that dont have some type of air flow because I just get dizzy all the time.

Even tho I am not obsessive anymore, I do " track" the way I ate in the month by checking my cycle. If my period comes later than 35 days, means that I did good and ate very little.

If not, it means that ate normal. My cycle has times where it either im regular by 28 days with no day off, or im around the 40 to 50 days cycle. no in between.

It's not very healthy, but At least im having my period, just not the regular one.

Im never lost my period, it just has this long ass cycles sometimes, which ends up skipping a month.

I also like the idea that im not trying to starve, I just happen to do it, so I just dont go against it. When I go out I no longer make sure I eat before, I just do the most intricate makeup which curbs my hunger in fear of ruining it.

College helped me with this because I spend full ass days in there without having a single bite of food, and when I got home at night I just wanted something fast to eat, my way to go is a protein liquid yogurt and some fruit and bread.

Honestly, this way of being disordered its the best one I had. Feels completely doable and I dont have to think about it or fill my mind with it.

I feel better about my body also because I am focusing on a specific sport, and being able to do what I want kinda helps somehow. I love the idea of being so thin I can see my bones but if I get skinny in a 18 bmi kind of thing I will not be unhappy.

I've had an ED since 15 and im 21 now, shit got a bit old and I guess this is what it is to have a somewhat "high functioning" ED ? idk.

I don't think Ill ever recover.

[steelycunt]

ridi ridi hiiii !!! how are youuu how was yr dayyy i started mine off by rereading yr otiofad ficc did you know every sentence in it is a masterpiece did you know every word is like worthy of an auditoriumesque applause now yk i wanted to ask you to talk about that particular bit tho (if you wouldn't mind ofc !!) where sirius slams the book shut on an insect bc it's sooo like it's sooo !! it reads like premonition and also like r can't help but be wary of s and s can't help but be just like capable of harm regardless of intention & carelessly and i think it's sooo genius I think yr soooo genius for that and if you have more to say abt what that bit meant to youu + process of writing it + foreshadowing you wanted to get across w it etc. etc. i would be vv interested to hear <333 mwah love you loads xx

hello my lovely omg!!! my day was GOOD actually surprisingly good i am recovering from my illnesses and i played badminton and ate tangerines it was a very content day!! how was yours!! also warning you now in advance i wrote way too long a reply to this. like WAY too long NOBODY needed this im so sorry!! the very final paragraph provides like a little tl;dr you DO NOT need to read the essay that is under the cut!! im so sorry!!

okay firstly the idea that someone would not only read one of my little stories but read it more than once?? crazy actually!! insane!! so glad that it could be a part of ur morning n i would love to talk abt it!! hang on opening it in a new tab rn let me remember what it was i actually wrote huh lol

firstly with the flashback scenes in otiofad in general they had to serve two different purposes. they obviously needed to show the intense love and intimacy between the boys prior to The Incident, in order to juxtapose the post-prank scenes and serve as a marker for measuring the size of the rift in their relationship that its caused (which is why theres lots of kissing and cuddling and cloying monologues in the flashback scenes), but at the same time they had to demonstrate the little parts of their relationship which are a little bit fucked! a little bit unhealthy and obsessive. and they had to portray sirius as a person who has the capacity to do what he ends up doing. i didnt want to accidentally work against myself by over-idealizing their relationship to the point where it became difficult to believe sirius could be so thoughtless as to do what he does. like if ive just made you read fifteen hundred words of him being the Best Boyfriend Ever and then switch to him begging forgiveness for an attempted murder, his character becomes a little disjointed, and i really wanted it to feel like you're consistently reading the same people, just in very different circumstances. so the flashbacks very much needed to stress their intensity rather than their health as a couple.

im definitely roaming beyond the parameters of your question (but i promise it all circles back xx) but some of the sort of. i dont want to say red flag as much as cause for concern moments that i tried to include especially in the flashbacks include for instance: [Sirius says that sort of thing often, and with a confidence that Remus cannot ever fathom. Good god, how he would like to ask Sirius, them or me, that or me, and never fear the answer.] in the first scene, because i think remus' low self-esteem and his insecurity definitely affects their relationship + how he perceives it, which isn't anyone's fault as much as it is just them being young and imperfect like. theyre like sixteen here nobody had it together when they were sixteen right :-/ you have sirius utterly utterly obsessed with being in love with remus declaring that he doesnt want anything else from life and he's. sixteen years old. he's got no idea. like its that sort of rashness and impulsivity when he's speaking and acting which ends up fucking him over :-/

TO GET BACK to the bit you actually asked about (im so sorry for how long this is <3) the part where he closes the book on the spider. i mean honestly ur interpretation in the ask is pretty spot on!! its another one of the little stitches in the flashback scenes that sort of...slightly changes/sobers/brings the tone back down the reality a little, after theyve spent most of the scene cuddling and kissing etc. i'd already sort of tried (and i want to emphasise try at every point in this answer sfdghsh because i am not necessarily claiming that any of this was necessarily successful lol) to show sirius' capacity for being rash and obsessive, and the spider moment was just this tiny act of unnecessary, arguably cruel? violence that was meant to be jarring against the very over-sweet and gentle affection he's just shown remus. and although theyre acts of violence on such different scales, he gives just as much thought to sending snape to the willow as he does to squashing the spider. one of the things about sirius that i love soooo much is his relationship with violence and the way his anger translates into violence and cruelty (which remus mentions in the final scene when he says “You’ve got to stop being the kind of person who hurts people when they’re angry.”). its why hes SO fun to write angry because his anger is so distinctive lol. so the spider moment is just meant to serve as a little reminder of this random, mindless aggression that sirius carries around with him and that exists in tandem with all the affection we've seen him show remus, who starts in surprise when sirius slams the book shut. (i'll let u in on a super little fun (or not) fact that in my head when i was writing it i always drew a little parallel between the twitching insect leg thats left on the page and the similarly uncomfortable sensation of the eyelash that remus feels scratching his own eye immediately afterwards. thats not necessarily meant to come across n i expect it doesnt because i didnt develope the idea...at all...but in my head they were always a little linked teehee like even sirius' smallest acts of violence still have an effect on remus somehow xx)

but yeah!! apologies i didnt think this would be such a long explanation for a simple question fbhsdfhs im very embarrassed by this but like!! in short the spider was another little jarring moment designed to tether the version of sirius you get in the flashback to the version you get in the post-prank scenes, because ultimately he's the same guy with the same flaws both before and after the prank!! there was no reason for him to kill the spider like that and thats why hes so fucked. it was just his instinctive response to seeing it there.

#this is embarrassing im sorry. i wrote this more for me mostly which figures because this is fun for precisely nobody else xx #BUT thank you for the question layla i hope my answer somewhat makes sense xx at least this is what i was TRYING to do #regardless of whether or not i pulled it off yknow xx thank you for giving me a chance to give a little ted talk tho mwah love u xx #layla tag #telegram #otiofad

[tojisdolliee]

HELLO

I saw your post about your requests being open and I thought hmmm I've seen this account before

And then I realised you're the one who wrote a toji masterpiece and jaydjvwksheivdh fuckin LOVE YOU

Anygays I was wondering if you could try a dilf! Draken and daddy kink with a reader that has some attitude? Not as in bratty or anything just that maybe y/n was upset about something and Draken says it's not a big deal but they snap back and he finds it just so fucking hot he literally fucks the attitude out of them? *begging on my knees*

Keep up with your god tier work bestieeeee <3

hello my love! im so glad you enjoyed the Toji fic i was lowkey so insecure about it  ( Ĭ ^ Ĭ ) but yess that sounds SO SO SO HOT i gotchu bby <3

daddy kink, degradation, hard dom Draken, choking, mentions of SA

Characters: Draken Ryuguji

NSFW under the cut

What the fuck Kenny!?" you exclaim, beyond frustrated by the interaction you and your husband just had. You just arrived back at your apartment from your companies annual party. Usually you'd have no intention of attending events like these, theyre usually corporate bullshit anyways, you thought, but something your co-worker said piqued your interest. "Hey, Y/N, you know the president will be scouting for a new vice president at the party, its your chance!" Vice president? Theres no way you were missing out on that opportunity. The only reason you even got the position you're currently in is because of your incredible intelligence, they hired you straight out of college with no expierence, getting the position of vice president would be life changing for you. Its settled, you were getting that job. 'Were' is the correct word, you definitely aren't getting it now, after the shit Ken pulled it would be a miracle if you even still had a job.

"I don't know what you expected me to do, Y/N. There's no way Id sit back and watch another man touch you. I don't know why you're so worried about it anyways, it was me who caused a scene. Not you." Ken stated, clearly frustrated at the situation and the cold shoulder you were giving him the whole ride home. Part of you agreed with him, but you knew that the president had people who would lie for him, no one would believe that he was attempting to assault you. That's why it was a problem that he was currently laying face down in the concrete with several broken bones. "No, you don't understand! Its like im always suffering because of your shitty choices! Do you even care about what you just did to me? To my career? No actually, dont answer that. I already know. You're not even capable of caring about anything but Mikey." with that you stormed off, slamming the bedroom door behind you and falling onto the bed. Too frustrated and exhausted to take off your makeup or change clothes. Just as you were about to doze off you hear the door swing open and within seconds your husbands large figure is towering over you, He places one strong hand om your throat, squeezing enough to blur the lines of your consciousness. "Alright, if that's how its gonna be, Daddys just gonna have to find a way to get that attitude out of ya huh?" he adorned his speech with the sounds of his buckle coming undone before reaching into his pants and fishing his cock from his pants. He discards your red lacey panties and rubs small circles onto your button at an achingly slow pace before lining himself up with your entrance and forcefully pushing in, giving you no time to adjust, he thrusts hard and fast. "Fuck baby, so tight for me. If only you behaved as well as this little pussy does." he retrives a vibrator from his pocket, turns it on and places it on your clit. "Too much! Too much Daddy!" you say, already struggling to keep your composure. "Aw, its too much? Don't care. Sluts like you take what Daddy gives them with gratitude yeah? Go on, Thank me." He'd never admit it to you, but the little attitude you have makes him feel like all the blood he has is rushing towards his cock, you light something up in him like no one else can. "Thank you Daddy! Thank you so much!" you whine in between phrases, about to slip over the edge "M' cummin' Daddy!" and once you do it has Ken quickening his pace, if that was even possible. Your attempts to squirm away from his cock fail, he pulls you back by your thigh, burying his cock into you even deeper than before. Your mind is blank now, too cockdrunk to be angry. After what seems like an infinity of overstimulation and orgasm after orgasm, Ken finally reaches his climax and his pace slows, dumping his seed deep into your tight hole and pulls out. He joins you on the bed, wrapping you in his muscular arms and placing tiny kisses on your face and shoulders. "You did so good for me angel, and i'm so sorry. I'll give Mikey a call tomorrow morning and have you placed in the presidents position. Sound good?" He *did* plan on telling you that your company worked under Toman, he just hated involving you in gang buisness and at the position you we're in now, theres no way you'd really know about it. Not that he ever doubted your strength, but tonight you confirmed his assumptions. You were the perfect president to run that company. "Wait?! What?! My company is involved with your gang shit?!" he shushed you and laughed. "We will talk about it in the morning, Mrs. President" 

#draken x reader #draken x y/n #ken ryuuguji smut #tokyo revengers smut

[wellthatwasaletdown]

"What was he like? Was he arrogant as he has always been?"

i hope my following observation and analysis is cohesive. I wasnt around for the xfactor days either (because im American), but I've been around since WMYB got big in the US, and I've watched hours and hours worth of interviews from the boys over the years. In the beginning, Harry didn't come off as arrogant at all. Mod mentioned his sort of cupcake image in the early days and I think some of that image was actually genuine at the time. I think Harry was legitimately the baby and 'little brother' of the band, regardless of liam and niall being technically only a few months older. Harry was the least mature of the group, just based off of the fact that he often crossed boundaries and said/did things that he probably should've, at his age, knew were inappropriate. This is not me trying to insult him, but I think he lacked common sense a lot of the time, and in general was a bit socially unaware of himself and how to act -> cue him copying pretty much everyone he spends any time around.

They all were immature teen boys in the beginning (naturally), but I think with Harry, some of the things he did were for the approval of others and because he desperately wanted to fit in. This made him vulnerable and insecure. There are so many instances in interviews at the beginning of the band where harry says or does something and then immediately looks at the boys to see if whatever he did was 'ok.' And in some of these instances, he'd be met with a disapproving headshake or look, most times from Liam, Louis, or Zayn (to which he'd usually pout about and stop what he's doing)... However, join the need for people to like you with not having 'street smarts' and also a love of attention, and you've got the harry that started manifesting in 2012.

Essentially, when the band got huge in 2012-2013, Harry was flooded with not only the attention he'd always been seeking out, but praise and adoration. He didn't need approval from the boys at that point because he got it from outside sources, i.e. the fans and the music exec leaches constantly telling him how great he was. It then blew up his head and he started to believe his own hype.

Because of his insecurity led needs, he was a very easy target for someone like Jeff and his family. He was insecure, naive (not street smart enough to know not everyone has pure intentions), and attention hungry. All they had to do was promise him the moon and he was in. I dont think Jeff is the worst human ever, but I think he knew exactly what he was doing by befriending the easiest person in the band to manipulate. i'm sure to some extent harry and jeff are good friends, but that doesn't mean that jeff wasn't playing harry at the same time. I'm sure Jeff made Harry feel good by hyping his head when they first met. We know Harry clings on to people who are useful to him (even if that use is just feeding his ego). This is probably how they became quick friends, and eventually business partners.

The over-praising and adoration has only continued to grow and get worse from those days. Harry genuinely believes it all because to not believe would put him back in that inferiority mindset that he had back before all the fame and adoration– and he can't let himself go there again. That's where the arrogance is from. It's a projection and mask for the fear that the feeling of inferiority is the actual truth.

.

[sirenofthegreenbanks]

my favourite path of reading is Not Knowing Anything At All Beforehand, at best accompanied by a healthy dose of What The Hells Is Going On (I Like It)

when i was a child i would read novels out of order. not because i wanted to, or because i had the intention to be as weird and subversive as possible (though i still very much had that). most of my reading material came from libraries, which sometimes only had one or two novels from a series, and i tend to be very dumb. i remember i started a YA series thinking it is the first book, but it was at least the second. the love interest had already been won, the mystery had already been revealed, the friend group had already been formed (back then, all YA fantasy novels where kinda like this, there was even a werewolf). and i remember i was so confused. the narrator threw in a bunch of names without explaining anything, expecting me to just get it. and you know what? it was awesome. the story coming together in my head wasnt the one intended to be read, but i had great fun with it. i remember after being done with the book and finding out that it was actually book 2 in a series, i searched all over the library hoping for more of this and actually found the first book, and i just never read it. after the excitement and adventure of book 2, the first book, flipping through it, just seemed so fucking boring to my Already Saw The Best Wont Settle For Less child brain.

i tend to finish dramas at an end point not intended by the production crew, but at a point when the conflict i came there for has been solved. there are so many dramas i just never officially finished, and i never will; im utterly satisfied with what i got, i dont need more. its pretty sad because it makes it hard for me to talk to other fans (who have watched the entire thing, and Know More) on equal footing. i tend to be embarassed and insecure, after all, i literally know nobody who is weird like that. but i also wont change a thing. why should i? if it brings me joy, if it makes me happy, if im content? that is literally all i need.

and i love interacting with stories like that. there is never one correct way to interact, or interpret. sure, there is an intended way. there is probably a way you could call the “recommended” way, like reading a series in chronological order or not reading the ending before reading the beginning. but these, i view them all as mere suggestions. they are supposed to make it easier, or sometimes richer and more fulfilling, but not “more correct”. (there are no rules to reading, or watching, or listening. none.) a story is alive precicely because of that intuitive interaction, because of an organic communication between reader and story (and the invisible hand of the author that may or may not be treated as dead, but whose legacy is still very much alive). i would argue its the way stories need to be interacted with, anything else feels a little bit like you’re killing something; the very nature of a story works this way. they are alive; they are not products, they are not rules, they are almost living beings in that weird kind of way that makes total sense when you know what im talking about.

as a reader (or an audience), you are not creating in the same way as the author (or actor, or director, or any person involved in the pure creation of stories) would. but you are still creating, by telling a story to yourself someone else has made and filling in with your own imagination, your own view, your own feelings, by giving something back of yourself. all creation is magic, all creation is a little bit like making life. like gardening.

#personal #interacting with text & media #joy #i have an agenda.

[kyonoc]

AGRHRHHAHAHAHA SUMIRE MY LOVE MY LIFE MY CUTIE PIE ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

cw; charoc, deprezone mentioned every 2 minute bc im miserable and I cannot shut up im so sorry. Also sorry if I sound super OOC and goofy, im fucking high and hormones are acting up 🥹

Almost 2 months worth of waiting well deserved, I can feel my deprezon disappeared instantly (it does not) 😭😭😭😭🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

Ok 1 cms finally got updated, only 2 more in line 🥲

Also since ion wanna make a seperate post and I don't think i will be finishing these anytime soon, heres my supposed to be LNY + Haitham bday + Valentine all in one celebration packet.

I promise I did try to get out of bed instead of wasting and rotting away, I really did, but idk what happened either. I blinked and spring break is coming to an end already ueueueuru 😭🙏 (please ignore the broken perspective I'm not satisfied with the composition so I changed some parts without fixing it properly so-)

Good news is, I made it out of the confinements of my room on Haitham bday (yay!!!) (i love you Z i appreciate so much 🥹)

But rlly tysm Z you will never know how much I appreciate you, you really made my day 🙏

This girlie is being made into a mochi/stuffed doll?? idk keychain thingy. Since the seller doesnt rlly do the accessories imma do it myself when the bbg arrives home

Also 20+ merchs that I brought in like one day 🥲

Aaaand the fic that was supposed to be uploaded either on Haitham bday or on Valentine Day, but never got finished. The plot, the flow & which (and what kind of) stuff is going to be in it is all decided; I also did a smol study as well as a deep dive into Alhaitham's character (which tbh made me question even more than when I first started 🥹 I do have a draft rambling about his character & my take on his charac here but idk if I should post it, I feel like I ramble too much its annoying). But idk.

Maybe it's the hormones and periri go bvrrom bvroom thats making me more vulnerable and insecure, but I keep going back to proofread them, then rewrite a few sentences there and fix some phrasing then. Yet I keep feeling unsatisfied with the result and keep going back to beta it, and before I knew time's up 🥲

Honestly?

I hate being the object of someone else's jealousy/insecurity. I absolutely hate it. Everytime I catch the real intentions and tone behind someone's saying (which are envious directed at me), I can feel myself loathing increases a little more. It doesn't just simply feel like they are jealous of me, it feels like they hate life for being unfair and ultimately hate me too.

I have always disliked that.

Yet I keep feeling inadequate with everyone's expectations and ended up feeling insecure about everything and everyone in the process 🥲. Everytime I look at someone celebrating Haitham's bday or Feb 14th with Haitham, I cant help but feel a pang of jealousy. Is my love enough? Am I enough for him? Is it acceptable for me to do it? Am I even enough at all? Stuff like that. Then I cant bear to look at my fic, my art, or anyone else's fanwork for that matter.

I dont know anymore. I feel like this silly little fictional crush is dumb 🥲 Maybe I should just abandon everything then disappear to somewhere else to choke on mud and die

(/j ik im not mentally stable rn so im refraining from doing anything artistic at all, bc i know for a fact my perfectionist will kicks in 🥹 then I'll hate myself even more for not producing something up to my standards.)

(Psst. Beside my death cannot be that unsightly no? I'm perfect in everyone's eyes, my death should be pretti and adorned with flowers & ton of enviable accomplishments too :D)

KK.

P/s KK here LOOK AT HER LIL AHOGEEE AHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK DEPRESSION WHOS THAT MY OC IS SO CUTE 😭😭😭💖💖💖

[melancholicspace]

Dear gelo my love,

I dont know if you'll be able to read this in the future, or maybe not. But im just writing this as a proof of how much I love you right now. I love you so much more than words can explain. I feel sorry about myself all the time, for being this person that you do not deserve. Every time I see how your eyebrows meet or hear you sigh, I'd immediately feel regret about what I said or did. I never wanted to disappoint you. To frustrate you. To hurt you. To make you feel less of yourself. To hate me. But probably because I haven't healed the parts of myself which isn't really a valid excuse, but please know, with all my heart, that I'm trying my best to love you in the way you deserve. I constantly blame myself for giving you headaches, for making myself doubt your intentions, for ALWAYS—freaking fucking always—thinking that you're cheating on me EVEN IF I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING REASON to do so. I'm so tired of myself, love. I'm not even sure why you're not giving up on me. I'm a ball of insecurity and I know you hate whenever I'm so insecure but I hope you know that I hated myself more. I hated myself more than you do. I hate that I do it. I hate it when I feel it. I hate that I think that way. And I know I frequently tell you how impatient you are, but seeing how you put up with my attitude makes me feel really grateful and realize that you're a patient man. You're patient and kind and smart and handsome and caring and I hate that I made you feel like you're not. It really makes me feel bad whenever you tell me that you feel like you're the worst bf in the world. Because you're not. And if only I could tell the world how I'm so so lucky to have you. But that's too cheesy, and even posting this is too cheesy. Probably you'll even cringe when you read this. But love, i see you and i appreciate you. I see how you budget your money just so you could be with me. Just so you can treat me in nice restaurants. I can see how you manage your time and how you force yourself to stay awake at night so you can have a little time for me. I can see how much you want me to be with you in every family event, even if it conflicts a lot of things. I can see how much it makes you happy when you always rush me to go down the stairs. Or how you seduce me secretly even in front of the people we know. I can see how proud you are having me, to your friends and relatives. I can see you trying to improve yourself—and actually do improve—because you listen to me. I'm so sorry for holding such an unrealistic standards and made you feel shit when you failed to reach it. It's such an immature act of me to expect you to do all these things I saw on social media and feel disappointed when you're not them. I'm so sorry love.

If I die, please know that I genuinely love you with all my heart. With no doubts and hesitations.

And I'll die continue trying to be the best gf you deserve.

I'm sorry I hurt you love.

I love you.

So fucking much.

[brokensoulblog1998]

insecurity is a motherf*****, as of late it has been getting the best of me and im not proud of it at all, ive struggled with that feeling for as long as i can remember, ive really never had anyone to openly share any of these types of feelings with so writing it all out feels really good. i wanna learn to love myself the way i love other people and heal myself where its needed so i can finally be happy and move on with my life. being in a long term relationship for the past two years ive been very toxic and lashing out and i feel so ashamed for putting my loved one through my raging mood swings becasue of past trauma or getting insecure over every little thing an picking fights so i can be right. i never noticed my toxic behavior how it affected my loved one and how it ultimuatly ruined my relationship my partner my self. and honsestly since i promised my self i would always be honest here with my self i think the  real reaon i get so insecure is because ive given up on myself compelely, i stopped doing things for me i stopped taking care of myself and just started sittiing around crying and complaing about all the little things i needed to change but really never ever made that effort to change any of those things. i no longer wanna be that girl, im ready to actually put myself first and get out if this rut. i cant keep blaming him and freaking out because he like another girls picture or because he wants to stay in touch with his bestfriend thats a female like those things shouldnt make me insecure i cant expect his wjhole social life to stop just because hes with me. yes i hate that fact that for 30 seconds he looks at a pitcure of another girl and likes it but like he has reassured me so many times that im sure hes tired of doing, none of that crap matters hes a guy at that a younger guy and just because he likes or talks to another girl doesnt mean is intentions are to replace me or cheat on me cause if he wanted to do that he would have. its been two years since this ride to hell began and im ready to hop off. im ready to just let all off that go and just be together. i have to get ovet the fact theres always gonna be other girls and more pictures to like but as long as things are good at home between us and we dont let all that shit on the outside get in well be okay and i know he would never do anything to hurt me hes always been a blunt straight foward kind of guy i just worry sometimes because hes also the kind of guy to tell you what you wanna hear so youll drop it, and i hate that i think that one thing about him fucks with me constantly, but i need to learn hes not my prisoner hes my lover and if were ever gonna get out of this, if im ever gonna get out of this rut ive been stuck in i need to learn to let go and if i dont like something about myself its up to me to change it no my loved ones to tell me what i wanna hear just to comfort me. at one point in my life i knew how to embrace myself and be confident that girl is in me somewhere its just up to me to find her. i honestly dont know if anyone will ever come across this or read this or relate to this im just a girl trying to let go of all this crap i hold in and sharing here makes me feel like this will help me not do that so whoever is reading i hope you know you are not alone im lost to looking for that girl that was once happy and didnt let all her inseuriies destroy her