#i dont think ive ever had a genuine good best friend like for some reason they leave after 3 years

[autisticempathydaemon]

hihi im here for the redacted matches thing, if its still open :)

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why? “Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong But…” by Arctic Monkeys! ive always loved indie rock music, and this song in particular just scratches that musical itch in my brain

What is your Enneagram type? Type 2, The Helper

Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why? nooo they’re too long :(

Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend. i was supposed to have a childhood imaginary friend? nah fam i played with calico critters all day, i dont think i ever had a childhood imaginary friend

What is your go-to way to fall asleep? usually just listening to comforting audios, or taking melatonin 

If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?) it sounds cool as hell, and if the person i stole it from isn’t using it anymore, imma yoink that shit and claim it as my own

What is your favorite of Redacted’s audios, and why? "Your Boyfriend's a Flirty Vampire Prince and ALSO a Cheeky Dork". heart eyes at Vincent rn

What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don’t get the hype for. (I won’t judge, I promise.) Yandere!Ivan and Regulus who genuinely makes me uncomfortable, i only ever listened to Yandere!Ivan for lore reasons and i have refused to even go near Regulus bc that mf is CREEPY. i dont get the hype for either of them really

Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to. OOOH okay SO theres this book called Just Ash by Sol Santana, and the main character is intersex!! ive only ever once seen an intersex character in a piece of media, and that was 7 years ago. Just Ash kinda details the struggles that some intersex people can go through, and i learned a lot because of it (i didnt even know that salt wasting was a thing before reading this book). Just Ash also inspired me to start doing research on disabilities that arent as well-known throughout the world, such as scoliosis or ostomy.

Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend? Huxley. i need some good hugs in my life man. and Porter for queer reasons (that man is GAY you cannot tell me otherwise — plus you already know that he has some great sarcasm with the whole gag reflex quip)

Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you’re tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I’m ready to sleep when I start talking about space.) when im low on energy, i either go nonverbal or start saying random silly things

Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo. despite being white, i have never had the classic white experience of visiting a gas station and terrorizing the cashier with my friends. i dont have a specific gas station that i like, but i looove the cherry slurpee omg that shit goes hard

Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment. i have ceremoniously named it ♥️ good shit ♥️ because it has good shit in it (imo). Arctic Monkeys, Laufey, Mitski, Lovejoy, The Orion Experience — basically any indie rock band/soft-voiced sad girl that goes hard

What’s your guilty pleasure media, and why? boyfriend asmr that surpasses asmr because its chocked full of lore and likable characters and world building and

And whatever else you think tells me about who you are! i loveloveLOVE pink omg best color ever fr. also. i eat lore for breakfast, literally my favorite thing ever. i will listen as you info dump about those silly little characters that run around in your head. im also autistic btw if that counts for anything 👍

(ive done this before, but i dont think it sent last time 😭)

Oh, this is easy peasy lemon squeezy. If you’re an autistic person with a love of lore and stories, there’s no better match for you than Guy, our resident storyteller!

One, we love an A4A relationship, and Guy has got to be the dictionary picture of an AuDHD dude, you know? Two, Type Two’s are characterized as being friendly, giving people who want to love and be loved, and Guy would be a good match for you because he is just so loving, so affectionate. I also love him for you because Guy is kind of as far from a yandere as I can imagine, and that feels right.

The more I think about it, the more I realize just how much fun you and Guy would have. He, of the Redacted bois, strikes me as the most likely to listen to Redacted, so couldn’t you just imagine it being a shared special interest between the two of you? You could listen to early access together and scream about it on tumblr, because let’s be real, Guy 100% has a tumblr. He’d also adopt popular lines and the Redacted ringtone as vocal stims, and I can imagine you finding that charming and funny because it would be.

Song:

Every time I think of you/ I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue/ It's no problem of mine, but it's a problem I find/ Livin' a life that I can't leave behind/ There's no sense in telling me/ The wisdom of the fool won't set you free/ But that's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows/ Well, every day my confusion grows

I’m not gonna lie- I don’t super know what this song means, and neither would Guy. I do know that it’s fun, it’s a love song, it’s indie rock, and it’s a classic. This strikes me as the type of song that Guy knows all the words and can perform without a second thought, thus he loves turning it up and singing it at you whenever it comes on in the car.

Runner-Ups:

David is a runner-up for you because I love A4A pairings, and David is my favorite Redacted boi to headcanon as autistic after Guy. However, I do prefer Camelopardalis as a runner up; he’s not autistic, but I think his nature is more outwardly effusive and affectionate than David’s which would be better for a Type Two.

note: thank you for waiting~ you did send this before, and it came through; it just took me some time to get through the entries before you 💛

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

#redactedasmr #redactedverse #redacted asmr #redactedaudio #redacted audio #redacted #busybee matches

[jenniferss-body]

in what world does not being able to read key signatures with a million sharps/flats in alto clef or something mean i cant put my heart out on the fretboard and create something meaningful.

i get that music theory is important but if someones treating a piece like a math equation, or a way to show off, rather than a form of expression and communication in such a way that words could NEVER achieve.

this isnt just me poking fun at classical musicians, i do respect some of them a lot; i just find that many of the ones i know tend to be excessively concerned with the technicality of the piece. at this point i might as well ask chat gpt to play it for me and it would be just as good, why are you here performing if not to be human, and embracing of it? there are classical musicians that paved the way for the evolution of western music and yet their legacy is completely tarnished today.

And again, its not just classical musicians, even in the rock ive seen people who play to look cool, or to show off how fast they can solo. i cant listen to this crap - id honestly rather die than be like that because id be completely ruining the music, one of my prime reasons to live, by taking all ive ever loved out of it, the creative aspect and a language thats interpretable and secure. the language that will deliver the exact message that a person needs to hear.

NOT ALL COMPLEX PIECES ARE BAD! thats not what im implying at all. if its employed with a genuine intent its absolutely perfect. you can tell when its with genuine intent because it will touch your soul. its literally about doing anything because you can. the best music is basically the one YOU feel sounds like the inside of your brain.

my mum once showed me a book titled ‘50 greatest rock songs of all time’ or something like that. it had sweet child of mine by gnr, some led zepplin, i cant recall exactly. all i remember is not being able to stomach it because it was so inconsiderate. i just think back to the absolute worst time in my life where i would just listen to nirvana for hours because it felt like the only thing that understood me, it was a bigger crutch than any of my family or friends (and probably kept me alive) which i think says a lot about what band i think is the ‘best’. except i dont! i dont think nirvana is the best band, its just MY opinion of the best band. listen to what you think speaks to you, thats the true meaning of rock music and of peoples music of any kind!!

find what makes you want to live and run with it. just dont give a crap about what other people want to think about it because its doing so much harm and you dont even realise it.

#music #nirvana

[gloomforrestrunes]

PLEASE go into detail about why Kane and River broke up. I need to know more about both of them and their disastrous relationship

hfdfhdsaj, i dont know if i would classify it as disastrous, but it was definitely for the best that they broke up!

for extra context, before river, kane dated two others, aria and chloe. ive talked about them briefly before and those two plus river can be seen together in my heaven says video!

being the last aera alive, there is a LOT of unspoken pressure on kane to keep his family bloodline going. feli is sort of the main authority figure who is urging kane to take a suitress. kane's relationships with aria and chloe were both sort of already set up by feli, and while kane genuinely gave those relationships a shot it just felt... wrong. obviously the main reason that it felt wrong is because, well, kane is gay! and wasnt physically or romantically attracted to either aria or chloe. but because kane was completely clueless, he assumed that the reason behind why it felt wrong was because the relationships were set up by feli rather than happened naturally. (which definitely was apart of it, but obviously the main reason is that he isnt attracted to women LMAO) so when kane broke up with aria, and later chloe, he was able to be honest with them that it just didnt feel right! so those break ups were much less messy.

river was already friends with him and his friend group at this point, and she was starting to get some feelings for kane. kane always regarded river as a really good friend but never considered her as a partner. and because he never had gotten romantic feelings for anyone at that point (other than having a crush on jay- but he was a child at the time and no one told him what his feelings meant so he completely disregarded it) he didn't even know what love was supposed to feel like!

so when river pulled him aside one day and confessed her feelings for him, he sorta short-circuited and thought "oh. well she is a really good friend and i like being around her and this is happening naturally rather than being set up so that means this is what True Love feels like" so in a super unfortunate case of misunderstanding, kane completely mixed up platonic and romantic attraction and told river that he felt the same way. and soon enough they became a couple.

well things start to get a bit rocky for them when river notices that kane never really. treats her like a partner. like he'd just treat her like she was his buddy. like if they were on a date he'd view it as just two pals hanging out rather than a loving bonding moment between partners. that isn't necessarily a bad thing by itself but river communicated to him that she wants to feel loved by him and points out that he doesnt really say "i love you" to her that much or even at all. and that she wanted to receive physical affection like nose touches or cuddles and stuff. kane of course is receptive to that and explains that it just didnt cross his mind that he should be doing that. well if your partner says that to you that definitely wouldn't make you feel very desired by them :,) (obviously that wasnt kane's intention at all. he's just. clueless)

kane of course wants to make river happy so he tries to do what she asks of him! but soon he would find that every time he cuddled her or told her that he loved her- uh oh. that wrong feeling came back, and it was worse than ever. kane thought that he did everything right this time, so why did he feel nothing whenever river said "i love you" to him? why did he feel so uncomfortable when her fur was pressed against his? why did thinking of river as anything more than a good friend feel so bad?

well, kane pulled into himself a lot during this time. confused and lost as to why he's feeling the way he is. well, river definitely noticed the way he tensed up whenever she pressed against him. how he pursed his lips and said nothing every time she said an affectionate phrase. and river is the type to want to deal with issues, so she brought it up- in a bit of a confrontational way.

it wasn't a full-blown fight between the two, it was just river desperately trying to get some sort of reassurance that she is loved by her partner, with kane desperately not wanting to admit that he doesn't.

but since she was sick of beating around the bush, river just asked "do you love me? did you ever love me?" kane didnt say anything, which answered everything.

to say river was distraught is an understatement, and in a fit of anger and sorrow she broke up with him on the spot and left. she had known kane for so long, both as a friend and a boyfriend, and to be indirectly told that she was never even loved by him was soul-crushing. since kane isnt the best at explaining himself, she views the relationship as kane just stringing her along, constantly lying to her to pardon his own feelings. and as a result, river feels extremely betrayed. kane recognizes that he's hurt her and he does feel really really guilty, but he also feels lost and broken because he doesn't know why this keeps happening.

#here comes forrest with another essay #sorry for talking too much about my character's relationship issues. it will happen again #ask #anon #river brooke #kane aera #backstory lore

[lezarus]

*in the tone of a starved Victorian boy begging for morsels on the street* can i hear your defense of twist and shout please madam

rly quick disclaimer that if the reason u dislike t&s is that ur uncomfortable with like not super sensitive depictions of the aids crisis/ptsd/the vietnam war for personal reasons i think thats like completely fair and im not trying to make anyone feel bad for that

THAT BEING SAID twist and shout is like genuinely the best fic ever written.

first off. if u werent there u dont know. im not trying to gatekeep but genuinely if u werent in the fandom in like 2012-14 its impossible to state the impact that twist and shout had on destiel fans in those years. theres a REASON misha used cant help falling in love with you as the song on his cas pride post bc twist and shout changed the GAME.

it has some of the most memorable lines ive ever read in a fic ‘thats my baby you don’t understand thats my baby’ ‘HES SIN CASTIEL’ ‘throw me on the street ill still let him fuck me’ im not even looking these up i literally just remember them off the top of my head.

but thats like kind of surface level stuff the thing that makes me love this fic so much. the thing that makes me go back to it time and time again is that its achingly, painfully sincere. its REAL. blah blah blah twist and shout is cringe twist and shout is a genuinely touching and emotional story abt the transformative, devotional power of love told without a trace of irony. its the kind of story that can ONLY be written by teenagers abt some guys from a cw show bc only teenagers care abt something with the fierceness and sincerity u get when u fall in love for the first time. i love twist and shout bc i rly feel when i read it like im being taken back to how it felt to be 14 and care abt stuff so intensely u couldnt eat or sleep. its a story that has stayed with me a decade after i read it for the first time and itll stay with me for many more years. twist and shout is GOOD die mad abt it

and look if ur out here in 2022 blogging abt supernatural but u think ur too smart and better than twist and shout then like u need to both learn to reconnect with ur teenage self and also grow up. ur embarrassing

also just as a final note twist and shout had the most kudos on ao3 of ANY destiel fic. and t&s has only been on ao3 since 2014 and i KNOW it was uploaded elsewhere before bc i specifically have a video saved to my phone that i sent to my friends in 2012 of me sobbing after finishing reading it on fanfiction.net. the second fic down has 17,000 less kudos. twist and shout girls stay winning

#ask #anonymous #been thinking abt this message all day

[honeybeekao]

Oh you finished secret service do you have any Eden thoughts about it or is it mainly madra related

90% of my SS screenshots are madara or kohaku however oh my god i didnt truly get how funny ibara is until i read this. like my thoughts on him are he is an evil little creature who for some reason has so much power it's insane

BUT HE'S ALSO SO PETTY? amusing. that's the word im looking for he amuses me a lot. the comedy of them both silently thinking here gets me, madara is so intuitive i adore him

(translation by hyenahunt) SS spoilers ahead

he's smart but the fact he didnt see madara betraying him from a mile away... okay girl. (side note MADARA WHY DO YOU. LAUGH IN YOUR INNER MONOLOGUE IM GOING TO GET YOU /loving)

also i generally like jun already ive read like so many random little stories so already being acquainted with him, hes my best friend. think the eden dynamic makes my heart melt theyre sooooo fun to observe. i understand why hiyori is like that in textposts now also love him I DONT HATE ANY ENSTARS CHARACTERS so my opinions are either positive or neutral. i NEED to see more im so bad at reading but i promsie to read Gang n conquest Soon jfdfjfxj ANYWy Umumyny i just???? secret service was so enjoyable. So so good, ignore i binge read all 30 chapters at 3 am on no sleep

NAGISA. THE WHOLE CONSPIRACY ABOUT THE GODFATHER BEING REPLACED i think i had to reread it like 3 times because what the Fuck. enstars LOVES replacement subplots. i also didnt really know much about nagisa before, i'd seen the eden anime eps and my first 5* in 2020 was his dream of the wasteland card. i find him really endearing, and and see.. unlike madara, /i/ can understand his ramblings <33 eden are just very compelling i think, theyre the most keychain-core of the cast i would get eden merch. have i mentioned kohaku yet no i haven't um okay so he's actually my favorite character in SS ngl

the way he genuinely does care about madara and sees right through him

You've got it rough,

Madara-han. That's exactly why I can't leave ya alone.

his entire role in this story feels a little protagonist-like. wanting so Badly to just fly around the world to find madara because the guy won't answer a single message and he's tied down by the preliminary regulations that Somehow rinne has decided they're following. he worries about mama getting into trouble but equally thinks about his life in general. how madara sacrifices his own happiness and dreams for the sake of working for the lesser-evil of justice. constantly on the move and he's never got his guard down, always pretending.

kohaku's inner monologues are just so, profound and thoughtful, i adore him. he's very caring

"Once I rip off all those masks you're wearin', I know I'll be able t'see the real you."

ALSO HIS ANALYSIS ON THE IDOL INDUSTRY??? i hate that this 15 year old is so eloquent he makes me insane.

OH MY GOD AND i loooved kohaku's interactions with eve. learning about how their respective units contrast eachother— but they both have similar roots of "everyone involved has a rough past"

"I'm a living corpse."

gatekeeper as a villain is also amusing to me good god. i wanna see the entire temple scene animated do you understand how much i wanna see madara kick gatekeeper away then IMMEDIATELY be in a staring death match with kohaku? THEIR ENTIRE FACADE FIGHT IS SO FUCKING GOOD it's so good i love the words shot at eachother.

"You're a nice kid. There's gotta be some psychological barriers that'll stop you from killing me."

as the expert in the skill of murder that he is, i personally would not be able to handle even a 10% chance that kohaku was serious. MADARA COULDN'T FULLY TELL BUT JUST HOPED HE'D GOTTEN HIS MESSAGE. theyre both silly fools and the fact that hiyori just had to watch like "What . is going on Huh". one of my favorite scenes in enstars ever

i could ramble sbout how kohaku's instincts to scold madara like a mother is so intriguing to me but i should do that in its own post probably. gosh he's the coolest kid i love kohaku

#enstars #this isn't an analysis i just really enjoyed secret service #translation by hyenahunt #kohaku oukawa #madara mikejima #ibara saegusa #nagisa ran #alex 🥔 #secret service es

[kucherovv]

ok very long situationship discussion under cut bc i slept over last night and Ermm im processing it now

sooo it was pretty nice for the most part Like. idk when im JUST hanging out with them its very good. like laying in bed together is pretty much the only time its good

we hung out w our mutual rlly close friend and. idk if ivs said this but at some point there was another girl which is. fine because we're not dating or exclusive in any way (like, explicitly not exclusive) but it does make me want to kill myself. anyways we were talking about said other girl and there were hints that there might be a THIRD one but i genuinely dont think so bc situationship literally cannot leave their room rn bc of [mental health reasons i cant get into]

like i dont want to be naive but. yeah i think it was just something in the past bc they have always mentioned other people as friends at least and they only ever hang out w me and the aforementioned close friend. like they dont even see the other girl anymore

anyways also our friend was pointing out how situationship was IN A SITUATIONSHIP with someone else last fall semester before i rlly met them and wanted to start dating but the girl didn't want to and it like devastated them. almost like what is happening to me rn. and they were like "well let's not talk abt that because it gets too close to uncomfortable self reflection" ok

theyve told me before that like. they want people to be obsessed with them (hence the fucking around) but not obsessed in the way that people are when theyre dating. BUT after a break up the other person should continue to be obsessed with them. like theyre scared of the commitment or vulnerability or whatever that comes from reciprocity. its so weird i just dont understand how their brain works!

its just like. how can you expect people to give you attention the way that you want them to if you treat them like this.

also our friend was like "i would rather you guys stop entirely or date but i cant stand this in between" like YOU cant stand it IMAGINE HOW I FEEL LOL. ok anyways. and he also said he told situationship to just stop being involved w anyone which is funny. its so silly when they talk about our relationship like im not there 🥴😐

also its. not like i havent been honest or upfront abt my feelings bc ive told them maybe 50 times how i feel abt them. but its not something im going to push whatever

i was also talking to my hs friend who had a situationship turn into a real relationship and he was like "well are you guys having sex at least bc that makes jt a little better" NO WE'RE NOT!!!! its so weird bc we . basically did when i was visiting them this summer and then havent even kissed since then. silly!!! someone (charlie maybe) said we were slowburn and its like No. we're just regressing

ANYWAYS. i am not pushing or changing anything BECAUSE. they are withdrawing for the semester and going home then coming back in the spring. and going to therapy and meds in the meantime

so. this is very dumb probably but. i hope they get better so we can be in a fr relationship because i think we're very good together. and i think they like me more than the other girl. which sounds so stupid and desperate when u say it out loud but i really. do think they like me the best. and i hope that if they pursue a relationship w someone that its me .

ok typing that out makes it seem insane um. but yeah whatever fuckk me i guess

#situationship posting

[xocasper]

BITCH OH MY GODDD I JUST READ KISS AND TELL?!?!?!!!

i dont know how i hadnt read it yet but oh my god i literally hate you so much that was the best fic ive ever read?? it got so poetic by the end wtf

my personal favorite line was "It seemed as though you had shed your exoskeletons, leaving nothing but the reality that laid beneath layers of labels and assumptions, facades and fronts." LIKE HOLY SHIT BRO YOURE SUCH A GOOD WRITER WHAT

i just love the entire ray's sister concept, and i realy really really love how you didnt make her all naive and sheltered (esp during the smut) because i love the older brother's best friend au but people always make the reader so embarrassing HAHAHA so i really applaud how you made her confident and even snarky at times. no secondhand embarrassment in this fic!

also the reader's friendship with the other guys is YES 🙌

just total chef's kiss all around, love you cas!

OKAY SEVERAL THINGS BECAUSE I COULD WRITE AN ENTIRE RANT ON THE MAKING OF THIS FIC

1. i adore these long messages. i appreciate you sm <3

2. she’s a fucking masterpiece. i consider myself to be relatively humble but kiss and tell is my magnum opus. i will never beat her and i don’t think i want to.

3. i love writing poetic shit. i love metaphors and imagery. i think my favorite lines are either the entirety of the religious guilt passage (mainly “the taste of unholy desire graced gerard’s tongue, wicked truths and sugar-coated lies having him believe that sin would swallow him whole.” for some reason my best writing is done at ~5:30pm. i love that part. i think about it a lot, actually.) or the five senses passage! (i cant pick favorites here honestly. taste and smell absolutely fuck though, i love those lines. smoke and earth?? tongue and teeth and hands where they’re not supposed to be?? shakespeare could never!)

4. i actually wrote that part with a single stream of consciousness at roughly 1am in my notes app! i also do my best writing in my notes app, and i can’t figure out why.

side note: hearing about people’s favorite parts and when they tell me that they laughed at my jokes is the best feeling ever. i love your asks and comments so so much.

5. yeah, it was a really great request! i forgot to mention in the author’s note and stuff that i changed it to step to be more inclusive, but it’s only mentioned in the beginning. i have a couple half siblings and i’ve always considered them full, so i didn’t make it too obvious throughout the rest of the fic.

going along with being ray’s sister, i wanted to give her a sense of edginess that wasn’t overbearing. i feel like ray gets babied in a lot of fics, and i genuinely hate it. rather than making him all innocent, i gave him the overprotective brother role, and even then, i tried not to make it suffocating. he’s worried about her mixing in with the wrong crowds because he’s an outcast himself. he doesn’t baby her either, and they have a similar dynamic to the ways’, except ray’s a little more protective.

6. i didn’t want her to be naive either! the last thing i wanted was to give myself second-hand embarrassment, much less my readers. just because she’s younger doesn’t mean she hasn’t done the same shit. i don’t really picture her as a virgin with a perfect liver and lungs. fics that make the younger sister all innocent make me uncomfortable tbh; it feels like infantilization, which is frankly, really gross.

7. making the reader witty is my favorite thing to do. i don’t know why readers are never written as confident and sarcastic, and instead defaulted to boring and naive. live a little, make your reader less insufferable!

(now that i’m thinking about it, my favorite part might actually be the banter towards the end—“honey, your brother is gonna kick my ass if i sleep with you.” “baby, you’ve already got one foot in the grave for kissing me, and i’d hate for you to die a virgin.” where did that come from??)

8. i really wanted to highlight the fact that she’s friends with all of them! she’s not the annoying little sister; she’s actually pretty cool. i used the mikey way effect, if you will. frank and the reader have this goofy relationship, similar to their relationship with gerard but very platonic. they’re the kind of friends that would fake an engagement for free dessert.

mikey and the reader are the same age, and both pretty quiet compared to the rest of the group. i didn’t touch too heavily on it, but they’re definitely the kind of friends that can read each other with one look. they lay on his bedroom floor in comfortable silence and listen to music just to escape loneliness. all in all, they’ll do pretty much anything together because they simply love being around the other.

9. CAS. I AM UNWELL. I’VE ALWAYS LOVED NICKNAMES :,))

10. i love you too! thank you for reading and leaving the sweetest messages for me. it makes my day every time!

#answered asks

[psychiatricwarfare]

The reason that disabled people know more than the abled "experts" is that only the disabled are truly humans. All abled are born irrevocably ableist, and are therefore the enemy.

im gonna take this lovely opportunity to rant about this bc ure absolutely right (n b4 the ableds kill me, yes yall r human obviously, u just treat us as subhuman which is a disgusting and inhumane thing to do, which is what i believe anon was getting at). now then, abled people listen up, even if ure an "ally" bc this applies to u too

probably gonna piss off the ableds w this one but tbh i dont think ive ever met an abled person i genuinely got along with, every true friend ive ever had has been disabled in some way, not to mention literally like my whole family is mentally and/or physically disabled. abled ppl tend to abuse/take advantage of disabled people even if they dont mean to bc of their ableism and toxic positivity

unfortunately ableism isnt just a problem w the abled, since they rule the world, their ableism seeps into the minds of disabled youth and creates internalised ableism and its genuinely very sad. the worst part is most abled people dont think theyre ableist either, they think they're "helping" us or whatever the fuck meanwhile they use us as inspiration porn when we can do something and shame us when we cant

dear abled people, we just want you to listen to us, actually listen. we know more about our disabilities than you ever will, we know ourselves better than you, we understand what its like to live with whatever condition(s) we may have. You Do Not. idc if you think you know best, idc if you think you're "helping". telling us 'you can do it!' or 'you should do [x]' or to 'just try harder' is Not helping us

chances are, we've already tried whatever suggestions you might think of. unless we ASK for help, or you ask us if you can help and we say yes & tell you how, Do Not try to help us. if you think we're struggling with something, ask us if we need help, if we say yes then ask how you can help, if we say no then dont try to help. its really that simple

if you want to be a good ally to disabled people, then you have to talk to disabled people and listen to what we have to say. every single disabled person is different, even those with the exact same condition(s). please remember that, we are not a monolith, you need to Listen To Us

#bug talks #bug answers #ask #anon #ableism #toxic positivity #disability ally #actually disabled #adhd #autism #dpdr #asd #depersonalisation derealisation disorder #chronic pain #epilepsy #bpd #cluster b #mental disability #physical disability #bipolar #fibromyalgia #scoliosis #osteopenia #arthritis #npd #aspd #ocd #depression #anxiety #processing disorder

[maaaxx]

my wips are stressing me out so you guys have to hear about it

or not i dont care

Cots

literally fighting for my life out here with this new wip. I could have the first chapter (???) out in like a few days but like,,, i dont want to do that

but im also not getting any immediate dopamine from this so im having trouble working on it.

Im also scared of having a new audience because like aside from a set few people most of my mutuals know me from ihiap and yall are nice and new people scare me

I even gatekeep ihiap, like if you dont know me from ihiap your not allowed to know about ihiap

a lot more people read that fic than i thought and it stresses me out

off track

i do genuinely think cots is going to be better than ihiap because ive had like two years now to figure out how to interact with fandom and im friends with other writers not and have more of a grasp of my writing style than i did before.

so im really excited about this

but i have enough trouble updating ihiap idk about doing two fics at once

but if i wait until im done with ihiap thatll take like two more fucking years

and ill lose focus

and wont do this fic

again, getting off track.

theres still so much that im not sure about with this fic. Like Zuko I think is the main character

But Sokka is EXTREMELY relevant

so i think im going to split the povs

But theyre at opposite ends of the world at any given time and sokka isnt going to (physically) be doing much.

so im not sure how to approach that

also i have no clue what the fuck kataras doing

like miss girl has two options and what she chooses will DRASTICALLY change the story like SHE controls the plot not me.

Sokka and Zuko are just there for the ride

Azula is also going to be relevant

like the story is about them 4 no one else matters

except aang maybe but like hes actually the avatar in this so thats a given

my first story where aangs the avatar!!!

also outlines are hard

and prologues are hard.

Ill be back with more complaints later

Ihiap

I have a love/hate relationship with ihiap. The characters in it are amazing theyre my favorite people ever. Some might make a cameo in cots, i havent decided yet.

REasons i hate ihiap:

-I accidentally stole half my ocs i talk about this a lot and ive been reassured but im not going to get over it. I hate myself

-Its so badly written like half the time There are some parts that i absolutely love and some that make me want to delete the entire fic. Like ive actually considered it multiple times. I hate it so much, so much second hand embarrassment. Is it second hand embarrassment if I'm the one who wrote it???? -Zuko is so ooc he might as well be an oc

-I dont even know twf azula is doing Azula and Mailee is one of the plot holes that drives me nuts. Because like I wrote Ty Lee into a scene but miss girl is supposed to be in the circus by now. I forgot about that part. Also Theres a certain detail about Azula and MaiLee thats going to be very prevelant near the end of book 3 but i forgot to imply or write that in so thats going to come out of no where. -most major events were impulsive and had no value to the actual plot Examples: That stupid soldier dude, the islands thing. I hate these parts and im going to write them out eventually -PLOT HOLES Reasons why Ihiap is the best piece of literature ever written:

-Relationships and characters

So the thing is despite the fact that theres so many things im bad at doing in writing/havent had enough practice yet, there are things that I know that I am great at writing.

One of these things is delevoping relationships.

I'm really good at making people and relationships very complex and this isnt something that someone can change my mind over, like this is something that i love the way i do it.

This is one of the only redeeming qualities of ihiap.

-I love the plot.

I really want to redo this to do the plot justice because i do think it has potential.

Overall i think that ihiap has more good than bad but the mad really does bother me. If your ever rereading and there seems to be some stuff missing or changed its because im eventually going to go through and edit the shit out of it.

As of now the next chapter (chapter 14) has like 600 words. Chapter 15 has i think 445 and chapter 16 is completely done, chapter 17 had like half a sentence, then were done with twbb.

Chapter 16 is where stuff gets interesting.

Im perfectly aware that TWBB is boring but it was meant to be. I needed it to be for Zuko to not go insane and then also develop Tomnooks relationship (because believe it or not theyre not COMPLETELY self indulgement and they are important) and also Sokka and Katara and Zuko needed that sibling relationship. So i needed like a 17 chapter book in between the two main books for that stuff.

I'm so excited for the next book. Especially like the second half. Its also (most likely) going to be updated a lot more frequently than twbb. Twbb was a pain in the ass because there was very little actual plot and it was just day to day stuff. So i had nothing to go off us.

Like Book 1 was all about the crew and Zuko to kind of learn and build relationships and shit and Book 3 is going to be a lot easier because it has a lot of actual plot and a goal and shit.

Totp

" idk about doing two fics at once" miss girl you already are supposed to be doing two fics at once.

Im not even trying with this fic, if your invested, im sorry. I've thought about deleting it but i decided against it just in case i want to come back to it.

Its not looking good though.

This is what happens when i dont outline my fics

#did anyone ask for this? #no #but its how i sort my head out and i supposed it wouldnt hurt to share with you how this stuff is going #just in case you want to know. #cots #ihiap #totp #uhh what else #twbb #max thinks shes relevant

[homiesliketovent]

so... ive never told anyone this except for, like, anonymous sites. i could tell my s/o or my friends, but thats hard and im kind of afraid to.

so. lets start at the beginning. i had unlimited access to the internet from a very young age. and, when i was 10, or so, i decided to download discord. i started joining servers and talking to people and stuff, and i was totally obsessed with it. than, one time, this random guy from a anime server i was in added me. he started talking to me about my profile picture, my life, and pretty soon he wanted me to send a picture of myself. (not sexual.) i remember getting so excited bc he was being a little bit flirty and stuff, but i was still weary because he was technically a stranger on the internet. so, i put it off for a few minutes.

he asked me how old i was and i lied and said i was 13. (because, as an 11 year old, i thought 13 was old.) he said that he was 13 too. he pressured me a bit to send a picture of my face but i was as resilient as a i could be. my resilience probably lasted ten minutes.

it was okay because i felt kinda felt comfortable enough to send him a picture of myself, but not enough to send a picture of my full face. so, i dressed up a bit so i could be "flirty" or whatever, and sent a picture of myself with my face covered by my hand. he complimented me a lot, but even when i asked him to send a picture of himself, he never would. that should have been a huge fucking red flag.

at some point, i asked him if we were friends because, up till then, i hadnt had many good experiences with long lasting strong friendships. and he said "of course" and reassured me and i indulged in him that i had issues in the past with fake friends. he told me that he would never leave me and stuff like that, and i was so glad to finally have an actual friend. he was so nice to me and i genuinely had a huge crush on him. i was so ready to start this fucking- internet relationship, or whatever, with him. its gross.

i used to keep a list of everything he told me about himself, because i wanted to know him really well, and i dont have the best memory. when i was cleaning my room a year ago, or so, i found it and tore it up. (i knew his name, he liked video games and talking on discord servers, his favorite food was pizza, his favorite anime was fairy tail.)

he would send me random hentai and porn and i always just kind of laughed it off, even though thats so not normal because we were both (supposedly) 13. i never questioned him in any capacity, really. i trusted him completely. so much so that i sent more pictures of myself. one of them was a mirror selfie so he ended up seeing my body. (again, not sexual.) its just fucking gross that he has access to what i looked like as an 11 year old. i think i even sent him a picture of my face that wasnt blocked out by anything. i dont really remember. through all of this, he still refused to send any picture of himself.

anyways, at some point he got banned or his account got deactivated, or whatever. looking back, i think it's def because someone reported him. but i was so mad at him, because he told me that he would never abandon me, and he did. i sent so many angry messages to his deactivated account. at some point, i deleted our whole chat out of anger. i wish i could still go back and look at it though. as said in the title: i miss him.

later i found out that he was a full grown ass adult from someone in a server he was in. im so fucking angry and upset still. im not traumatized, or anything, i can still be on discord servers and talk to men and stuff, but like... every once in a while i still have a panic attack either because of what was happening to me without me realizing, because he's probably jacked off to pictures of me, or because i irrationally think that a whole ass pedophile didn't even want me, so no one ever will. i still think about him a lot and i still miss him for some god forsaken reason.

#vent post #vent #grooming #tw #cw #child grooming #toxic relationship #toxic friendship

[shushthisaintmytumbla]

a year in the books - 8/9/22

It always just amazes me how much can change from the previous time I write here. I have definitely neglected this space for quite some time (longer than usual) as its been almost a YEAR! It’s always so insane to see how much has changed and where i am now from where i was in the last post. I truly don’t even know where to begin, but I guess i will just state the fact that tomorrow is my one year anniversary of living in NYC.... HOWWW?! So much has happened over the past year. New friendships, self growth, hurt, feeling lost, finding myself, you name it its happened. Its crazy to read my last post and see how un settled this city made me feel. I can now leave my apartment and get just about anywhere by memory. I have so much to say and update on so I guess we shall start with a big part of my last post. D. 

Wowow i don’t know what to say but girlllll you were just getting started with this heartbreak. To say being in a toxic relationship is difficult is just an understatement. Its definitely been one of the biggest struggles from the past year. I have been hurt countless times, but yet i still find myself stuck in the same place. From where I was a year ago, I’ve been back and forth and pulled in every direct. From a genuine relationship to a hook up to a toxic friendship to friends to enemies and back, we still gravitate towards one another. Our relationship makes zero sense to me, but id like to think my mental state of the relationship has begun to take positive steps out of the toxicity. It’s hard to say what the future looks like but all I can hope is that I find a way through this muddy path. I know I am capable and I hope to continue to work on finding my way out... I guess thats all I can really say.

other than THAT! lol so so so much good has happened. Sometime after this post I pushed myself out of my comfortzone to make nyc MY city with MY friends. It took some trial and error, but through a literal friend dating app I found my best friends who I now could not imagine life without. Were literally going on our second trip together this weekend like thats how freaking amazing they are. They make NYC home and I couldnt be more grateful. Not only do I have them, but ive been able to connect with people who I barely knew im college, I have molly and her friends and I even had brooke (who unfortunately just moved back to LA) for so much of the past year. Once i got out of my comfort zone this city really openned up to me. My friends here are the reason I love new york as much as I do and for that I am forever grateful.

Not only have my relationships changed, but MY JOB changed. This I never thought I’d be saying a year ago, mostly because I thought my job was going to be the coolest thing ever. It was at first, dont get my wrong, but once things set into place i realized the scam that is reality TV lol. I am now at a new job that has been one of the most challenging ones yet. Hold onto your seat bc you wont believe this... I AM SO BUSY. I thought i was cursed w boring jobs hahah but not the case anymore!! I really really struggled the first few weeks, but id like to think im getting the hang of it now. Its still in influener marketing which I enjoy, but now i do everything from sourcing talent to contracting to runnning a full campaign. I hope to stay in this role for a bit and grow at the company because it definitely seems like there is a ton of room for it. Im excited to see what the future holds w this career path.

Another big thing is I started therapy this year! It is something ive always been so scared to do, but something i really needed. I am so good at venting to an online portal, but actually seeking a mental health outlet has been so good for me. Sometimes i doubt my progress, but ive been able to open up a lot more and id like to think its made me more overall healthy. 

I feel like thats a pretty lengthy update on the life status for now, but i hope to come back soon w even more life  wins and not go so long without writing here! I am so so excited to see what the future holds, how my nyc life will progress, and what new challenges will come my way to make me even stronger. 

xx,

C

[bronzebtch]

nervous energy ft. personal issues (warning: long af) under read. but really im fine! just nervous <3333

so actually. for those who dont know, i'm 25 right? and im asian. there is some cultural context in there but im not gonna elaborate. but like, in december 2022, i was on this job — i was an assistant producer for a documentary company — and i... long story short: i really did love the people we interviewed, the places we've been, and the crew i was working with. but at the same time, the very person who was from my company (cause we outsourced most of our crew) really.... sorta really did me wrong. and ah!! im crying again writing this a little haha. but like, what i got away after quitting the job was that i was .... just this horrible fucking co-worker.

and the thing is, i know i did good. i know i did the best i could with what's given. like i was on my ass everyday arranging the people / the places we're meeting (bc we're dealing with a lot of academics and historians and museum curators etc), making sure the documents are settled and prepared, and having to be on top of the crews' general health whilst making sure we were wrapping on time so we can get to our next location. like!!! i really wanna believe i did well. but i also know i made some mistakes bc the miscommunication between me and my co-worker was so, so bad. and it just.... it left me so scarred.

and i kept thinking, you know. it's me. if i wasn't such a bitch, maybe this wouldn't have happened. but i also know logically its just honestly horrible miscommunication, and it was both our first experience on a back-to-back travelling documentary (hes like,,, 35+ male btw). and my co-worker and i did sit down and talked it through, but i still.... i left that meeting for some reason, like. not the same. like idk how to say it. i got home, and i had one of the most awful breakdown i've ever had. (like, to the point i got nervous trying to pick out a shirt to wear bc i didnt know how to dress myself.)

long story short, ever since i quit my job (ive been unemployed since jan 2023), i have not touched my computer for almost two months. i was so genuinely scared of it. making rhea in late february i think was like, the first courage i had to open up my laptop, and i'm so happy i did, and i'm so happy the friends i did gather here were welcoming as hell. you guys will have no idea how much everyday you guys encouraged me to do something else besides just.. mourning for my fate. i got motivation again to create because i'm writing with many of you. but the thing is... i've been trying to apply for jobs but i cannot do it. i can't. i can't open my email. i can't open my whatsapp. it terrifies me!!! and i don't know what to do, because i want to have a job, i want to keep moving forward, i don't want to always be afraid, but i am!!!!! i am!!! and im so sick of it!!!!

i want my parents to be proud of me again!!!! i had so much potential and i was so smart and i was so bright, i graduated with honours and 3.8 CGPA, and now what am i!!!! im none of those things!!!!! i feel like all i am are my mistakes!!!! and im so frustrated!!!!! and i want to get my shit together so i can provide for my sister and i can go out and eat with my friends!!!! but my god, even waking up sometimes is so, so hard. anyways .... i know this is long, but - if you're wondering why i'm slow atm, this is why! bc im rlly hoping i'll get a job by april :(( i'm okay though. i just. i need to let this out somewhere.

thank u for reading. rant is over :')

#GENERAL: OUT OF CHARACTER. #so ....... its me? hi? im the problem its me? #but honestly .................... i just wanna find that courage again. thats all. #being terrified all the time is so scary. would NOT recommend

[skatetragedy]

3/12/22

lately therapy has been pretty intense, i feel like i’ve had a couple therapists before that mostly only touched on surface level trauma. my new therapist is pretty intense, shes very sweet but sometimes i genuinely feel like my brain can’t process whats happening because it’s not use to digging as deep as she wants me to. It’s a bit humbling, hearing her consensus on why i act the way i act, its very vulnerable and embarrassing. i want to be better tho, i want my brain to get as deep as it can so i can be the healthy. in other news updates on some relationships :

athena and i have been talking more, and i think its good. nick really clouded me on many relationships because i was just too embarrassed to admit and talk about it to some friends that knew the extent of how he treated me and how we worked together. i missed her and i dont want a man to make me feel like i cant talk to my friends ever again. shes still with kayla, which is good i believe shes very calm and collected with her and i think shes been needing stability like this for a while. 

ive seen nathalie a couple times recently, shes been talking to ali again which is disappointing but as ive said, i know how it feels. nathalie and i are always good, theres really nothing that will keep us apart or anything like that. we locked in forever nothing to really say about it. 

sal and i are good as well. I do feel a bit of sadness when i think of putting sal thru what i put him thru with nick. i feel embarrassed and like a bad friend, but i dont understand why i couldnt help it. i wouldnt talk to him about it because i didnt want to put him in the position of listening to how his friend is with me and vice versa. eve though nick would never stop complaining but it was two sided when it came to complaints. i would just never say anything. i feel guilty and i dont know how to express it or make up for it. ill try my best. 

nick and i havent spoken. he texted me to wish me well with therapy/work/school and i didnt respond at the moment. i called him one night to express i couldnt/didnt want to be friends with him. i dont think its okay to be friends with an ex let alone one that got you pregnant. he told me i could get over the pregnancy but its just not that easy, i was in n out of the ER, received chemo therapy, and had to be locked in my room for two weeks. it was mentally and physically taxing. he really has no emotion or regard to how i could feel, and i dont understand why i hadnt realized that sooner. i hope he gets the help he needs and that things go well for him, with me excluded from his life. he asked why we couldnt be friends and i gave him a list of reasons, he gave me solutions, then i said i had been seeing someone new and im trying to go my seperate ways, he said “oh so you only called to tell me youre seeing someone new i dont want to hear that” why ask for reasons, give solutions and only fixate on one reason you dont like. i hope he matures, he cant stay alone for very long and his toxic cycle he learned from katie will just continue.

i have a new friend, named mark. hes very attractive, funny, and sweet. we only recently started becoming a bit romantically involved. i had liked him from a distance when i first met him and i didnt understand why. i was talking to n*ck at the time and he was all rocky over the fact sal andi had become friends again and we were hanging out regularly. i believe i met mark on halloween, with a group of others with us. we didnt talk much, i just offered him poppers and he thanked me. end of story for halloween. i pursued him, embarrassingly enough not much came of it, until recently as im used to men being horny and ready to fuck whenever i say hello. i guess thats nice though, we went on a first date to a couple different bars and i had a great time, many embarrassing things happened around him and hes still stuck it through so im hoping that means something good. our first date was refreshing for me, he was gentleman and very fun to be around. aesthetically we are very different people, but mentally very in sync with anything we say or want to do, which was a little scary at first. i do like him, he stayed the night yesterday for the first time and i havent felt someone that comfortable and happy around someone for a long time. we spent all morning giggling and being silly in bed and i dont remember the last time i did that with someone without having sex. its refreshing that everything isnt about having sex at the moment, that he could possibly be around me because he likes who i am. i hope that doesnt change.  

[re-pression]

like. i literally used to think i just was under-sensitive and fucked up in some way where i needed insanely intense stimulation to get off. but. after climbing over the hurdle of being comfortable with Any amount of intimacy with my girlfriend because being any amount of sexually intimate after realizing she like. genuinely cares about me and wants me to feel safe and respected and will never push my boundaries and actually not only desires me physically but also uhhhh Wants to make Me Feel Good???? literally sent me into a panic for Months 🤪🤪🤪 even tho we had literally had sex a few times before we started dating but i had no idea i was actually legitimately safe in the relationship lol...... but like. after finally uhhhhh starting to process the fact that despite being Known amongst many of my friends as "the one who is Highly Sexually Active™️ and borders on kind of a manwhore" lol i had. literally never had sex with someone who really loved me,, we have Finally started having sex again and like. it hasnt been objectively very intense at all in comparison to much of the sexual experience ive had in the past but. it's literally never felt like This before..... like shell have me on the edge with just touching me the right way while i used to think i needed At Least a vibrator or some pretty damn significant penetration going on to get that close. and i dont think shes even doing anything particularly Skilled And Strategic™️ or whatever its just..... nobodys ever paid attention to my reactions and my body and taken their time like this before. like i literally cannot think of a single relationship ive had in the past where ive felt so genuinely. desired and loved. i cant think of a partner thats kissed me nearly as much as she does and we really only get to see each other a couple times a week usually. and its just so much stuff that i was looking for for so fucking long but not even really realizing i was missing. like i had Thought ive had pretty healthy and loving relationships before i was just pretty fucked from the couple that went really really badly, but like. im being made to realize that ive never really known what a real relationship was supposed to be at all. and i told myself quite a bit that i might just be acting dramatic about it but my girlfriend keeps telling me like "no ive also had all my relationships end for whatever reason and get my heart broken and feel a uniquely strong love for you too, but the things you tell me about all of your past relationships and how you respond to things that are supposed to be normal and healthy in any relationship tells me youve never really been treated properly as a partner" and like. idk it gives me a sense of. grief? that like...... even the relationship i had for two whole years with my childhood best friend when i was like 17-19 was perfectly Healthy in like. we got along perfectly and we're best friends to this day and we would like cuddle and shit but also, we only had Two sexual encounters during the entire two year relationship (both of which were led by myself and never really reciprocated though done with consent) and i realized i really need sex in a relationship to feel Satisfied and desired enough and we ended things really smoothly after that and like. 1) never felt the desire and passion i was needing and 2) i literally do not Remember at least 95% of it anyways because ive retained very very few memories of that period of my life For Reasons. so its like. i might as well be having my first healthy relationship ever in my entire life after over a decade of either crushing disappointments, relationships completely devoid of love, or literally abuse situations as my entire experience with relationships and the only other sexual experience i was having was sex work. (no shade towards sex work for the record it just definitely had a major impact on my development of a really fucked view of sex and what it should look like in a relationship in my personal life lol)

idk like i just... maybe im jumping the gun here but ive thought about marrying partners before, but i've never been so sure about it. i never want to know life without her in it again. i fear if i lose her, i'll never find someone so loving and gentle and patient ever again. i love her so deeply and feel so much safety and joy when i'm with her that it scares the shit out of me. every part of me shakes with the fear that this is all too good to be true or too good to last. especially as the longer it lasts, the more my brain reminds me that by the time ive gotten this close to someone in the past, we'd have started arguing or something by now. it's so terrifying sometimes. but i can't bring myself to give into the compulsion to self-sabotage and run from it all because it's even scarier to think i'll never get to feel her hold me or kiss me again

#january 2023

[darudedogestorm]

what’s up bestie. music asks. answer em. 5, 6, 14, 22, & 29 <3

hi bestie!! sorry for answering this so late my fucking internet went out RIGHT when i was abt to post it 😭

5. name an album you feel is perfect

tbh i dont usually sit down and listen to a full album all at once except for a few times so i dont usually immediately notice any faults but out of the ones ive listened to i cant really find any issues in Kimya Dawson’s “Remember That I Love You” or AJJ’s “Knifeman” and hmm Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains’s side of “Love Songs for the Apocalypse” (ik ik i’m cheating by listing more than one album shhh)

6. from the album you feel is perfect, what three songs would you choose to eliminate if you absolutely had to?

From Remember That I Love You: “France”, “I Miss You”, and “12/26” purely bc i’ve only listened to them like. once. i dont remember anything about them 😔

EDIT 4/1/2023 FUCK PAST ME FRANCE GOES SO FUCKING HARD. SHEER WONDER BABY

From Knifeman: oh god this is hard but “Back Pack”, “Fucc the Devil”, and uhhh “If You Have Love in Your Heart” for the same reasons as above… i simply don’t listen to them as often as other songs on the album 😔 nothing wrong with them i just like other songs more

From Love Songs for the Apocalypse: genuinely i can’t pick i actually like all these songs equally sob (not counting mantit’s side of the album here cos i haven’t listened to it) maybe “Election Song”? since i don’t generally go back to it as much as other songs on the album

14. is there any band/musician who you really strongly dislike? if so, why?

Oh god so many, mostly cos theyre overplayed

ed sheeran bc my mom likes his songs so i get to hear “Shape of You” every car ride ever :( i listen anyway cos it makes her happy but it’s so so painful. idk anything about him as a person but his music gives off very annoying vibes i simply do not care for him

taylor swift for obvious reasons but also because i used to pretend to like her in grade school so my friend would like me (her music wasn’t necessarily terrible i just didnt care LMAO) but now i hate her bc she’s annoying and it’s so so enraging hearing people be like “omg she’s so gay!!” ohhh my god shut up she is the straightest women alive on this earth…

girl in red mostly cos ppl hyped up her music so much but when i actually listened to it, it was really disappointing… go girl give us nothing

(^also the annoying terminally online “do u listen to girl in red = are you a lesbian” simply bc as a lesbian i simply think she’s kinda lame)

more i can’t think of rn i think cos i’m not currently in the hater mindset but also cos for the longest time i never really paid much attention to the musicians behind the music (with some exceptions i still dont know most of the names of the members of my favorite bands lmao)

22. name a song that reminds you of one of your best memories

tbh most of the older vocaloid songs :( they remind me of being a child on the internet (the good parts not weird parts which i thankfully mostly avoided) specific examples include “World is Mine” by Supercell, “Electric Angel” by YasuoP, and “Tokyo Teddy Bear” by Neru <—the big one that got me into vocaloid!!

as for specific memories… hmm… i never really related songs to my personal life cos i’d be too busy imagining Epic Warrior Cats/Vocaloid AMVs (childhood thru present day) but ig the closest would be “Becky” by Be Your Own Pet cos it reminds me of my ex friend who i hate and how i stopped talking to her 😁 best decision of my life for real

29. is there any song that you mostly like, but there’s one specific part of it that you don’t like as much? if so, what is it?

can’t think of any rn! but i’ll probably think of smth later and add it here

#asks #on lte rn you know how it is 💔 #low pitched finite woofing

[love-ice]

no. 10 tuesday july 12, 2022

i think ive been doing better. i started working, i started waking up early, changing my clothes daily, brushing my teeth every morning, sleeping at a reasonable time. it seems like such a simple task yet it took such a long time to get here. i miss the days where i just laid around and didn’t do shit for days but i like that i feel productive everyday. college was harsh im not gonna lie. i failed my first class ever, my parents weren’t too mad about it surprisingly. i had no focus in class at all but i think working has helped me gain the focus i needed. i stopped smoking as much, i definitely still smoke a lot but for sure less than a couple months back. honestly i really miss school. i miss seeing people my age, seeing people interact, i miss making friends, even though i didnt make many of them. i tend to keep to myself and the people who know me best. i don’t know how to reach out to people and make the most of my life yet here i am. making the most out of life even if i dont want to. maybe weed fucked up my mind a little bit but who cares we only have so much time left to live. 

time has always felt slow to me. yet once that time passes it seems like it went by so fast. we waste so much time just to die. we live just to die and i dont know if i want to even do that first part. everything i have ever done or do seems so useless in the world we live in today. people are dying because of gun violence yet here i am living. people protest the government on a daily basis due to fucked up laws yet here i fucking am. leaning into corporate america. feeding capitalism. i thought that one day, if im still alive, i would make a change. yet it feels like my time is almost up and i havent accomplished shit. i leech of my parents and i continue to be this person i hate. although some times i feel good about myself it isnt often. 

im almost 20 now. in a couple more months im going to be at the age i said i would die at. for some reason i always said im only going to live til my 20s. maybe its true. maybe it isnt. all i know is that i have such a hard time looking into my future. you can ask me “where do you see yourself 10 years from now?” and honestly i dont have a response. because i dont see myself. i see sad people walking over my grave. i dont want them to be sad but i cant make evereyone happy can i. i tried my best but its never going to be enough. i try and i try yet happiness doesn’t last long does it?

its like im walking down the path of life right. i continue and i walk farther and farther. the further i get the slower i become and the harder it is to continue. its like im walking through mud but the mud isnt there. i know im the only one holding myself back and pulling myself back. i fight back but sometimes she stronger. honestly shes stronger than i could ever be. after i graduated high school it was like i became a child again. i needed my parents to guide me yet they didnt do shit before why did i need them now? i couldve moved out of state. i couldve became my own person yet here i am. back at square one. at least thats how it feels. you know i never want kids and i continuously tell people that i dont want them because ive at a life time of children around me already i tell them i will take care of your kids but honestly its because i dont see myself living long enough to have a kid. my friends have even said they dont see me with a kid and i dont know how that makes me feel. is it supposed to mean something when they say that? or is it just a genuine reaction to it all? either way i dont want kids i dont want to burden children with the same brain i have. i definitely picked up the substance abuse stuff from my dad. i got my emotional state from my mom. my brother got the narcism from mom thats for sure. i just really want to be happy one day. not just for a day but i want to stop feeling the way i do now. maybe these thoughts will fade away one day. maybe i just push them too the back. who knows what i will do next. i just want to feel free. 

love, 

ice

#my diary