#and i dont want to burden her because shes not working rn to be able to attend full-time group therapy everyday

[geminipdf]

the only thing that will make my mood better today is seeing my kids so i hope they show up to our activity 🙄

#my best friend cancelled our meeting because her girlfriend is having a bday lunch with her mom and like. #i get it shes in a long-term committed relationship literally everyone is except for me and she hasnt really been seeing me that much #and i dont want to burden her because shes not working rn to be able to attend full-time group therapy everyday #which is good for her. but i've been asking her if she wants to go out for a drink or to the movies or for a walk #but she does that with everyone else except for me currently :( #shes literally not supposed to be busy if she's off work so for so much time and im just here drowning in my autumn-loneliness-idk what ind #ced depression. #cant even find anything funny to say at the end because it's one of those days when it all seems hopeless #personal

[the-lonelybarricade]

Loved your latest chapter and Im so excited to see what happens under the mountain!

I was wondering if I could request a one-shot?(up to you how long and you can do it in your own time)something along the lines of:

Feyre( from either ACOWAR, ACOFAS or ACOSF) time travels back to ACOTAR, but instead of finding herself back in her human body i the spring court, she's still in her fae body and ends up trapped in velaris, having to explain to the rest of IC who she is and why she cant go free their highlord(add some mistrust from the IC)

🙈🙈Id its very similar to what youre doing rn with your other fic but, if you find the inspiration sometime could you please do this? Ive wanted to read a fic for ages were feyre rime travels and meets pre-acomaf inner circle who dont know/trust her, but Ive never found a fic like that

Thank youuu

Hi lovely anon! It makes me so happy you enjoyed my latest chapter! I’m supposed to be working on a project for uni, but I couldn’t resist gratifying my lovely friends (because you're anon and won't be notified I was getting sad at the idea of you checking my blog and not seeing me respond) <3 I’ll admit I’m a bit scatterbrained at the moment, so I hope it’s okay!

I was having trouble brainstorming a reason for Feyre getting sent back in time because I didn't want to borrow the reasoning from ACoFD. So I was vague and twisted the pre-existing rules around the Ouroboros, and ended up getting quite carried away with the story since I don’t like not giving things a happy ending (even though it’s a little cheesy, sorry)

Anyway, I hope this is what you were looking for! I know you wanted the angst of not being able to save Rhys but... I couldn't just leave my poor bat-boy behind, you know? ;)

Also if this didn't quite scratch that itch, I'm always happy to take more requests

Word count: 4,446

The Ouroboros.

It was a massive, round disc—as tall as Feyre was. Taller. And the metal around it had been fashioned after a massive serpent, the mirror held within its coils as it devoured its own tail.

Ending and beginning.

From across the room, Feyre could not see it. What lay within.

She forced herself to take a step forward. Another.

The mirror itself was black as night—yet… wholly clear.

She watched herself approach. Watched the arm she had upraised against the wind and snow, the pinched expression on her face. The exhaustion.

She stopped three feet away. She did not dare touch it.

It only showed Feyre herself. Nothing.

Feyre scanned the mirror for any signs of… something to push or touch with her magic. But there was only the devouring head of the serpent, its maw open wide, frost sparkling on its fangs.

Feyre stared and stared, but all she saw was herself. There was nothing else. Then—

Feyre woke with a gasp, sitting up in bed to shake away the cobwebs of sleep and the strange, foreboding feeling that felt draped around her shoulders like a weighted cape, pulling her down. It hadn’t been a particularly horrifying nightmare. In fact, it was perhaps of the tamer dreams she’d had in the last year.

Yet something about it clung to her, perhaps a lingering agitation that she’d yet to retrieve the mirror the Bone Carver had requested. That must be it.

The bed space beside her was cold. The sun peaking through the window was not high, it couldn’t be long past dawn. However worrisome her own dream, her mate’s must have been worse to draw him from sleep so early. Worse still for him to sneak away.

Feyre rose from the bed, reaching absently for Rhysand’s dressing robe to wrap around herself. She always loved to steal her mate’s clothes, to be wrapped in his scent.

With gentle steps, she made her way to the study, where she could only assume Rhys had sequestered himself in the lone hours of the night. She’d noticed the weary draw to his shoulders, the dark circles under his eyes. This war was weighing on him heavily, and he was nervous. Feyre wished he didn’t insist on shouldering the burden alone.

“Rhys?” Feyre called softly as she got to the study, knocking on the door before she cracked it open.

Peeking her head around the door, she was met with the sight of Rhysand’s abandoned study. The scattered papers and war maps that had become characteristic of his desk space were surprisingly missing. In fact, the whole space had been cleared away and there was a thick layer of dust on every surface as if no one had been in here in years.

Feyre frowned at the sight, and how different it had been just the day before. Where had all the dust come from? And more importantly, where was Rhys? Perhaps he’d taken a morning flight to clear his head.

Where are you, love? She called to him through the mating bond, but was met with silence.

“Who are you?”

The voice was cold and venomous. Feyre turned, coming face to face with Mor, whose face was twisted into a threatening scowl.

“Mor?” Feyre asked, confused by her friend’s cold demeanor. “What do you mean? Have you seen Rhys?”

Mor’s face turned deadly, a look Feyre had only ever seen from Mor in the Court of Nightmares. “Is that some kind of joke?” she snarled.

Then, before Feyre could process what was happening, Mor had gripped onto Feyre’s wrist and they were enveloped in darkness. They stepped into the House of Wind, into the dining room where Cassian and Azriel abruptly stood up.

“Mor?” Feyre questioned when the blonde didn’t release her steel grip. She looked to Cassian and Azriel quizzically. “Guys? What’s going on?”

Cassian crossed his arms, assessing Feyre with a hostility that put her on edge. “Who’s this, Mor?” he asked gruffly.

Feyre frowned as she watched Azriel reach for Truth-Teller.

“Is this a joke?” she asked, flitting her eyes to each of her friends. Where she sought that friendly warmth in each of their gazes she was met with hard stares, filled with distrust, ready for a brawl. She couldn’t make sense of it. Was this an act Rhys had put them up to?

“I found her in the townhouse,” Mor said. “I don’t know how she got in there. She was in Rhysand’s study.”

“And she’s wearing his dressing gown,” Azriel noted dryly. Cassian did a double glance, his eyes going wide, then narrowing with a rage Feyre had never seen from the male. Certainly never directed at her.

There was a whisper of shadow, then suddenly Azriel was behind her, Truth-Teller poised at her throat.

Feyre startled. “Azriel!” she said sharply. Even if it was a joke, Feyre couldn’t imagine Rhysand would sanction this kind of threat. And the energy in the room was off, the tension too thick. “Stand down.”

“And who are you,” he breathed in her ear, his voice coated in shadow and nightmare, “to command the Shadowsinger of the Night Court?”

“I’m your High Lady,” Feyre answered steadily, not letting Azriel’s shadows, nor cunning voice, shake her resolve. “Now, I don’t know what is going on with the three of you, or what strange joke you’re trying to pull, but you will listen to what I say. Put. Your. Knife. Down.”

“High Lady?” Cassian repeated with a snort of disbelief. “You’ve got balls, little girl.”

Truth-Teller danced across the skin of her neck, pressing lightly enough to intimidate without breaking skin. “Do you even know to whom you speak? You should be bowing before the acting Queen of the Night Court.”

Too stunned to properly resist, Azriel kicked his feet out to knock Feyre to her knees in front of Mor. His fingers slid into her hair, gripping it tightly to pull her head back as Truth-Teller resumed its threatening position at her throat.

“Breaking into the High Lord’s personal residence, impersonating a high position within the Night Court, lying to the Morrigan’s face,” Azriel listed, increasing the pressure of the blade with each transgression. “You throw our High Lord’s generosity and protection in his face, something we as his acting Court do not take lightly.”

“Acting court? Acting Queen?” Feyre repeated, feeling as if she’d woken to a different reality. “What are you talking about? Where’s Rhysand!?”

“We’re the ones asking the questions here,” Cassian growled.

Feyre looked to each of her friends, studying their faces. Beyond their militant expression, she could see their grief. Could smell it. She repeated, “where is Rhysand?”

She felt the snarl that rumbled through Azriel’s chest behind her, vibrating against her back. When the question was once again unanswered, Feyre abandoned all sense of patience.

Darkness exploded through the room. She heard Mor gasp as the walls of the House shook from the might of her power. Feyre folded into the shadows, winnowing out of Azriel’s grasp so she stood in the center of the three of them.

“Az, Cass, Mor, you are my friends and I do not want to hurt you. But I am also your High Lady and you will answer me this instant, where is Rhys? Where is my mate!?”

Siphons gleamed red and blue through the thick tendrils of night, illuminating the Illyrian males’ faces. Cassian’s jaw had fallen open, while Azriel was studying her through narrowed eyes, wisps of shadow surrounding him. Feyre wondered what they were whispering to him.

“Mate?” Cassian echoed, the first to break the heavy silence.

Mor took a cautious step forward, her countenance completely changed. Her pupils were blown wide, twin brown depths churning with sorrow and gentle astonishment. Azriel went rigid at Mor’s approach, but no one moved to stop her as she came face to face with Feyre.

“Where did you get this?” she whispered, taking Feyre’s left hand, eye fixed on her mating band. On the sapphire-star ring that once belonged to Rhysand’s mother.

All eyes befell the subject of Mor’s attention. Cassian swore softly in recognition.

“It’s my mating band,” Feyre answered measuredly, still puzzled that the inner circle, her family, didn’t seem to have any memory of it. Nor of her. “I won it from the Weaver, as was the task set by Rhysand’s mother. But you were all there for that. I don’t understand what’s going on. Where. Is. Rhys?”

“Under the Mountain,” Mor whispered, her voice soft and pained.

The darkness ebbed away like a receding tide. Feyre felt her heart sink as she tried to process this information. “He—What?”

“He’s been Under the Mountain for the last 50 years,” Mor said, firmer this time. “And if you were his so-called mate, you would know that.”

“No,” Feyre said, shaking her head vehemently. “No, that’s impossible. We got out. We—”

This was a nightmare. It had to be a nightmare, and she just hadn’t woken up from it.

“Amarantha’s dead,” Feyre insisted, mostly in an attempt to console the unparalleled grief and panic that were raging inside her. “She’s dead, and Rhys and I got out.”

The grim faces of her friends said otherwise. They stared at her, in unbearable mixtures of pity and horror.

“I think she’s having a mental break,” Cassian said, not unkindly. “Should we get a healer?”

“Let me show you,” Feyre said meekly, casting her magic out to tap on their mental shields.

They all tensed, clearly not aware they’d been in the presence of a daemati. Trained well by Rhys, they all cracked their shields just enough for Feyre to send her conjured memories through. She showed them going Under the Mountain as a human, winning the trials and being resurrected, falling in love with Rhys, and eventually becoming High Lady of the Night Court. In turn, the three of them pushed back their own memories, of the current state of the world. Of Rhysand sacrificing himself so that his Court and Velaris would be safe.

A sob broke out of Feyre. “How is this possible? How am I here?”

It was Azriel who immediately went for the jugular. “More importantly, if you’re here as a High Fae, how is Rhys going to get out? How do we stop Amarantha?”

Feyre fell to her knees, grief-stricken by this realization. She was no longer human. She couldn’t stride in as Tamlin’s human lover and undergo the trials. Feyre had her powers, but they were untested. Would she be able to take on the whole of Amarantha’s court?

“What do I do? How do I save him?” she whimpered, staring in mute horror at her mating band.

Mor tentatively reached forward, laying a comforting hand on Feyre’s shoulder. “Rhys sacrificed himself to keep the people he loves safe. He wouldn’t want you getting yourself killed trying to save him.”

“I have to try,” Feyre answered desperately. “Amarantha she’s…” Feyre couldn’t bring herself to say the word, rape. Not to his family, who wear his sacrifice for them like an open wound. “She’s doing unspeakable things to him. He’s suffering so much. I can’t leave him to that fate. I have to try.”

With renewed conviction, Feyre accepted Mor’s outstretched hand and picked herself to her feet. “Rhys said it himself once. Amarantha’s biggest weapon is that she keeps the High Lord’s power contained. She can’t access them herself. But I… I have access to all the High Lords’ powers. And that bitch has my mate. My wrath will be plenty to take her down.” She faced her friends, who watched her warily. “You have my word as your High Lady,” she swore to them. “The High Queen of Prythian is going to fall by the night’s end.”

⟡⟡⟡

Winter had not yet fallen in the Mortal Lands. Feyre wondered if across the world, there was a version of herself curled in a bed with her sisters, clinging to any shred of warmth and survival.

That version of Feyre was very different from the version who strode up the sloping hills of the Spring Court with Azriel by her side. Rhys would be furious that Feyre had allowed him to accompany her. Should anything go wrong, it would destroy her mate to know his family had been put in harm's way after everything he’d done to protect them. Which was why it was only Azriel who came with, the only compromise she could reach with his Inner Circle, who insisted on coming with.

Who better to sneak into the Mountain with than the very soldier who taught Feyre the art of stealth. He was the obvious choice, since Mor needed to stay to rule the Night Court and Cassian was too heavy-handed to handle such a delicate task.

Their footfall was silent. Feyre wrapped them in the shadow of Night as they winnowed through the cave network. Her heart hammered in her chest, panicked to be back in the source of so many nightmares.

But Rhysand was more important than her fear. For him, she would not falter.

With the Shadowsinger by her side, Feyre snuck through the winding tunnels until she came to a familiar passageway. They slid into a massive, dark bedroom, lit only by a few candles.

To attack Amarantha in the throne room would be too messy. Too many variables to contend with, should Amarantha have enough wit about her to use any faeries as a shield. Especially Rhysand.

After several hours of waiting, the lock on the door clicked and swung open. Darkness swirled around the room as Rhysand took in the sight of Feyre and Azriel on the bed.

Immediately, the door slammed shut.

“No,” he whispered, voice dripping with horror. “No.”

“Rhys—” Feyre started, but her mate wasn’t paying any attention to her. He was looking at Azriel as if his whole world had shattered.

“Leave,” he said, his voice cold and commanding. This was no happy reunion between brothers. This was Rhysand’s worst nightmare. “Leave this instant, you stupid fool. That is, if you’re lucky enough to have avoided detection when you passed under her wards.”

“I took down the wards,” Feyre said. They weren’t particularly strong, either. Amarantha had gotten lazy, perhaps thinking herself secure with the only spell-cleaver under her control. Or so she believed.

Rhys turned that quiet fury towards her. “And who are you?”

“Your mate,” Feyre answered steadily, tipping her chin up.

Rhysand laughed. A desperate, humorless sound. “Then you are just as foolish as my idiot brother. And you have both sealed your deaths by being here. Do you understand that?”

Feyre scratched along those familiar adamantite shields. Rhys’s eyes flickered in surprise, but otherwise he looked unruffled as he cracked a sliver open for her.

It would be unwise to underestimate me, mate.

I wouldn’t be going around boasting about such a thing, if what you claim is even true, came his icy response. And I wouldn’t count on a few party tricks to save you, either.

And what if I told you, she purred, that I possess the power of all seven High Lords?

That, at least, garnered a reaction from the stoic male. He narrowed his eyes in disbelief, studying Feyre carefully. His gaze caught on her hands, at the lace tattoos that flowed to her fingers. And the mating band she still wore.

Feyre watched those violet eyes go wide, the silver constellations dancing in astonishment at the sight of his mother’s ring.

Where did you get that?

It’s a long story, love, but you’re going to have to trust me. She lowered her mental shields completely. Have a look for yourself. I’m telling you no lies. I am your High Lady, and I am here to free my husband.

She felt those familiar talons wrap around her mind. A foolish thing to do, to give a daemati unrestricted access to her mind. And if it were anyone but Rhys, it would have been. But his touch was gentle, and he took only the information he needed.

“I don’t understand how this is possible,” he whispered, breaking the silence of the room. Azriel had been waiting patiently, but looked relieved to be included in the conversation once more. “And I hate that you’ve put yourselves in danger for this, but it could work.”

Rhys considered for a long moment, then he looked between Feyre and Azriel and said, “do it when she’s sleeping. That bitch has been playing dirty for 50 years, you might as well level the playing field to give yourselves the best chance. Let’s do it tonight. I’ll leave the door unlocked, wear her out, and signal you once she’s asleep. Her spell prevents me from harming her, but I’ll make sure she’s restrained. All you have to do is drive the ash dagger through her heart, but have your magic ready for damage control.”

⟡⟡⟡

Feyre and Azriel waited in Rhysand’s bedchambers for his signal. There was a revelry tonight, as there was every night Under the Mountain, and Rhys was expected to be in attendance. Afterwards, he’d join Amarantha in her bed and make sure she was, in his words, “thoroughly exhausted”.

It was torturous for Feyre. To know exactly what the implication in those words were, to have to use her mate’s body in such a way. She wanted to roar at the Mountain, at the Cauldron, at anything that would listen, but instead she was next to the quiet, brooding Shadowsinger, and lamented in silence.

She’d begged Rhys to reconsider, to perhaps help them stage a more physical encounter that didn’t rely on his own suffering. But he’d denied any plan but the one he’d proposed, insisting it would cause him more anguish to but Feyre and Azriel in harm's way.

So they waited the long, agonizing hours until she felt a delicate pull at her chest. She’s asleep, Rhys called. Be on your guard.

He sent her directions to Amarantha’s bedchambers. There were guards outside, but Feyre and Azriel winnowed past them, cloaked in night and shadow.

Amarantha’s bedchambers were huge. Feyre had never been inside them before, but she was unsurprised to see they provided any luxury a High Queen could wish for.

Atop a large bed of red, silken sheets, lay her mate and Amarantha, both stark naked. The smell of sex clung to the air, Rhysand and Amarantha’s scents intertwined. Feyre thought she might be sick.

Even more sickening was the sight before her, of Amarantha’s arms restrained to the headboard in cloth. A clever way for Rhys to restrain her under the guise of sex, but horrifying nonetheless, to see the proof of what they’d been up to. The female was fast asleep, so convinced of her authority that she could fall asleep tied-up and not feel vulnerable doing so. How satisfying, Feyre thought, that such arrogance would be her downfall.

Feyre warded the room, putting up a shield of darkness so that no sound would break through to alert the guards. Rhys watched their approach warily from where he perched beside Amarantha, so still Feyre was convinced he held his breath.

He wouldn’t risk moving to wake her up, which terrified Feyre. Should something go wrong, her mate would be susceptible to Amarantha’s wrath. Naked, vulnerable, and completely under her control. It was such a dangerous game they were playing.

The room was as quiet and still as the bewitching hours of the night, their footsteps silent as they picked across the room. Azriel held the ash dagger. If Rhys could not kill Amarantha, his brother wanted to do it on his behalf. Meanwhile, Feyre summoned tendrils of night that carefully wrapped around Amarantha’s legs, slithering up her body like a snake, ready to constrict and restrain.

The female stirred in her sleep, perhaps feeling the ghostlike touch of Feyre’s magic. But she did not wake. Not as Azriel raised the dagger over her chest, and not as he plunged it down.

Amarantha’s eyes shot open as the dagger pierced her chest. She let out a shriek of agony and ire, moving to claw at her attacker. She raged against the restraints, spewing obscenities until they died at her lips as the blade sunk into her heart.

Rhysand’s chest was heaving as he watched the female still, then slump. He looked from her dead body, to Azriel and Feyre.

Feyre’s heart sank as she watched her mate process that it was truly over. There wasn’t a trace of elation in his eyes at being liberated, but she understood why. Rhys would finally be returning home, but as a much different man than the one he had been. He’d survived, but not unscathed, and he’d need time to process this.

Feyre came to him, reached towards her mate with the hand that bore his mother’s ring. Rhys looked to it, then up to her. His eyes were clouded with sorrow, with a melancholy she could only hope to chip away at in time. But she could see stirring beneath it was a breath of hope, perhaps the first he’d allowed himself in a long time.

“Let’s go home, Rhys,” she said gently.

Slowly, Rhysand nodded, moving to grasp her hand. She felt him jolt at the touch and, as she glanced at him questioningly, she saw his lips part in wonder.

I suppose you weren’t lying about being my mate, he whispered, the words a sensual brush in her mind. Thank you for coming to rescue me, High Lady.

Feyre grasped onto Azriel, and together the three of them stepped into darkness.

Then, they were above the House of Wind, tumbling through the night sky. Feyre unfurled her wings before Rhys could move to catch them, worried that her mate would struggle after 50 years without flight.

Both males stared in astonishment at the sight. Rhysand’s eyes danced in awe as Feyre, albeit clumsily, carried them to the training ring on the roof.

Rhys snapped his own wings open as they landed. Feyre watched him tilt his head back in rapture as he felt the wind against his wings for the first time in decades. Then he opened his eyes, his expression shifting to reverence as he beheld the night sky.

“I was beginning to think I’d never see it again,” he whispered, his voice a heartbreaking blend of exaltation and disbelief. “And for this gift… for my salvation to be courtesy of my mate and of my brother… I’m a bit overwhelmed,” he admitted sheepishly.

Feyre hesitated. If this was the Rhysand from before, the one to which she was mated and married, she would come to comfort him. But this version of Rhys had only just been freed from enslavement, and she didn’t know what he needed.

As though sensing her hesitation, Rhys cast his eyes back to the sky. “I know they’re all waiting for me downstairs, but I’d like a little bit of time with the stars. Will you let them know, Az?”

Azriel nodded, though he seemed conflicted. His reunion with his brother was perhaps not as merry as the male had expected. But right now, she knew the Inner Circle would hardly deny Rhys anything. Perhaps for a long while yet. So Azriel headed downstairs to inform their friends, who were sure to be anxiously awaiting their arrival.

Rhysand regarded Feyre carefully once the two of them were alone. “Mate and High Lady,” he mused. “You seem to wear many hats.”

“You forgot ‘wife’,” Feyre said lightly.

“Yes, and ‘Salvation’, ‘Queen Killer’, ‘Most Beautiful Female in Prythian’, it seems there’s many things I could call you. Could we start with your name, perchance?”

Feyre was shocked. She’d assumed he’d taken such information out of her mind earlier, but it seems he’d been even more respectful than she’d expected.

“Feyre,” she answered. “My name is Feyre.”

He looked wonderstruck. “Feyre,” he repeated, testing the name on his lips. A gentle smile curled at the corners of his mouth, the first she’d seen from him yet. He extended his hand towards her. “Would you like to watch the stars with me, Feyre?”

It was an offer she couldn’t refuse. Her hand found his with all the casual grace of a dancer, as if it were a routine they’d been perfecting their whole lives. Their fingers interlocked and as one, they stared up at the dazzling night sky.

This reality wasn’t perfect, Feyre thought. This Rhys was different from her own, and he still had a lot of healing to do. But if she could be there for him, to help him in a ways she hadn’t before, then she would be grateful to the strange eddies of the Cauldron for bringing her here. For allowing her to end his torment early. For giving them this extra time.

She watched a shooting star dart across the sky and smiled as it passed. There was nothing she could wish for except that her mate find peace in all that he’d endured the last half century.

His deep, velvety voice cut through the silence. “Do you often wish on stars, Feyre?”

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. He was watching her with a heart-wrenching wistfulness.

“Only when I have a wish worthy of the stars.”

“And do you?”

Feyre looked to the northernmost star, which shined brightest in the sky. “I wished for a light in the darkness,” she told him. “I don’t think the stars would ever begrudge such a wish.”

Rhysand nodded solemnly. “It’s true that they would be begrudging themselves in doing so. But I see no need for you to wish for such a thing.”

Feyre looked to him. He was still watching her, but something in him had shifted. He was smiling at her gently, that lingering sadness already receding. “Why’s that?” she asked cautiously.

That gentle smile widened, showing off his brilliant teeth. “Why, Feyre, to find such a thing, all you’d need to do is look in a mirror.”

#prompt fill #anon request #Feysand #Feysand fic #Inner Circle #Feysand fluff because I can't help myself #mentions of rape #Mentions of SA #acotar #acotar fic #time travel

[kazuwhora]

hello lovely!! may I please get a tokrev romantic matchup?❤️‍🩹 (nsfw or sfw- whatever ur feeling like!)

the name’s Anna, she/her, an INFJ-T, Capricorn and raging neurotic lol. I’m a major over thinker and sometimes I’m too cautious too. I value my “me time” but love to go out with friends and drink lots occasionally (balance is key as they say). I’m pretty open to people and tend to have my heart on my sleeve for them, my love language being acts of service and quality-time:-)

I’m 5’4”, hourglass figure but with a lil chub (esp on the tiddies). Dark brown straight hair, dark brown eyes, swarovski nostril stud, a lil gap between my front teeth, freckles - I also do love to wear a bit of a bimbo type clothing as it makes me feel confident!

I’m studying to be a psychologist, sexologist to be specific and that’s my biggest hobby rn, besides dancing and Japanese culture!

Also - sorry for the anon ask. Been stalking your blog for a few weeks now (even at work lol) and it’s been making my days brighter ever since, but I’m still a closeted weeb hehe😚 have a lovely day/night and take care of urself!❤️

hi love! dont worry about the anon ask- I think its v intimidating to come off anon especially when talking about yourself in such detail! ty for sending me a request and supporting my blog ily <3

im going to match you up with Rindou!

one of the first things that made me think of rindou with your description was your comment about being a massive overthinker! rindou is the type of guy to be pretty reserved and introverted. he seems cold on the outside, and keeps a lot of this thoughts to himself. what is typically seen from him is somewhat of an act or display for others, as he spends more of his time observing and analyzing. for rindou, having a partner who is an overthinker is something that is kind of perplexing to him honestly. because he's so straightforward and analytical, he's able to provide that objective perspective and rework your thought pattern before it gets to be too much for you. this comes fairly naturally to him too, so don't start overthinking about whether or not it's a burden or a pain in his ass!

rindou also appreciates the introverted aspects of your personality that aren't so introverted that you push him further into seclusion. he appreciates the balance you maintain, encouraging him to come out for drinks followed by much needed downtime thereafter. rindou sometimes struggles with balance and can find himself leaning on either edge far more often than he finds himself comfortably in the middle. this is something you provide for him, and the returned favour.

lets fucking talk about the way he goes crazy for your style. because hello? rindou loves a smart introspective girl who's personal style COMPLETELY contrasts her personality. he thinks its hot seeing the confidence you gain from your clothes, and will 100% be the one to try and drag you out shopping for more clothes. he's gonna wanna come all the way to the fitting rooms with you though because he wants to drool over you in public and he might try to get a little handsy with you right in front of everyone. speaking of which, because of you he has a big thing for exhibitionism, and an even bigger thing for mirror sex. he loves positioning you right in front of the mirror and making you watch him fuck you. like damn, it drives him wild and he probably wont last long like that so maybe cover up the mirrors if you want anything longer than like 5 minutes? shdfjhx he's just so obsessed with you its kinda cute

#matchup #plsssssssss #this kinda made me simp for rindou a bit more #ngl #kinda cute ngl

[ofstarsandvibranium]

I am so confused and restless rn. I took a break from schooling and working because of my mental health, can't drive because my parents insisted that I didn't need to go driver's ed and that they could teach me (so that was a lie.. and they kept shouting at me and exaggerating the severity of my driving so now I'm too scared to drive, but obviously it's all my fault and I just don't want to drive on purpose, right??). I've told my mom all of this and she says she knows("I know how you feel", proceeds to talk all about herself), but then says if I had been working then things would be so much easier for her. Like, way to constantly guilt trip me every time I wanna take care of myself. I know I'm a burden, I've thought of ending things practically every day for the last 12 years to make things easier for everyone. She's done this for years where she says something isn't my fault, but if I hadn't done this or hadn't wanted that, then things would have been better. Which means I can't want things or choose my own path?? I want my own space so bad, but because of her I can't be independent from her (she's overprotective of me, didn't allow me to go out on my own for as long as I can remember while my sis could go out whenever she wants, wherever. She constantly calls when I'm out with friends and needs to know who's with me. I have to report back to her whenever we go to or leave somewhere. She makes me question my own decisions and I ultimately don't go through with anything and she's insistent that her way is right.) I've had to share a room with her for years now, and I'm only comfortable when she's not home. When she does get home, I'm her therapist or emotional punching bag. It's always been like this since I was little, yet my older sister calls me spoiled.

Wait. Have you told me about your mom before because this sounds really familiar??

Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you have an extreme helicopter mom. Always hovering and shit.

I dont know if this will work considering how communication currently is with your mom. But try to sit down with her and first start off with "I really need you to listen here. Allow me to speak and express all of my thoughts and feelings. Afterwards, you can talk and we'll discuss everything that's been going on."

I've done this with my dad, who I have a lot of issues with, but, unfortunately, I sometimes have to treat him like a child and very clearly and explicitly tell him that I want to have a serious conversation and that I dont want to be interrupted so I can get my thoughts across. The times that I've done this has worked out fairly okay.

But if you're able to do this, very clearly and explicitly tell her that you would like to achieve certain goals and aspirations, but her insistence with everything is preventing you to do so. Also, acknowledge that you know some of the things she says and does is because she loves you, but as her child, you need to grow and become more independent and find yourself.

And then also note that some of the things shes said and done are also detrimental to you.

I learned this method in one of my communications classes. It's all about looking at the situation at all angles, acknowledging what's been said and done, and moving forward on how to improve.

You may have these thoughts of "I'm the child. They're the parent, they should be able to do this, not me." And rightfully so. Unfortunately, some people, especially parents like to push their problems onto their kids, use them as scapegoats or treat them as their therapists and its extremely harmful to the children. I'm 100% speaking from experience. And, you just have to be the bigger person sometimes.

Honestly, I'm not sure if these things will help you. They've helped me in my own situations, so feel free to work around some things.

I hope this helps you in some way or another. If my advise was shit, I'm sorry. If anyone has anything to add, feel free.

[saccharineomens]

same anon. what do you think of the GD so far? claude is great, but then all lords are. i love leonie, but i dont like her avatar supports as much. lorenz is a snot but in a great way. hilda and marianne are just. WOW. and their supports together are cute. raphael is big boy supreme, which is fitting bc that sounds like a special order pizza name. u already kno i love ignatz (his supports with petra are Very Good). lysithea is small rude and i would die for her. do you mind tips on classes? ⚔️

I adore the Golden Deer so far. I’m really fond of Claude, ofc. I love that he’s got this hunger for knowledge and is really trying to figure out what’s going on, like dude I’m totally on your side, just tell me what you��re trying to do so i can help lmao.

I actually really like Lorenz so far! Like at first glance he seems like a slime ball but he’s actually a really great guy, and I think people tend to just take him at face-level. like yeah he takes the class differences a little too seriously but like, he also knows he has privilege, and that his life is different than the commonfolk. he doesn't want to date a commoner not because he thinks they're lesser or beneath him, but because he knows that if they were to get married the commoner would be thrust into noble life, which is way different, and he doesn't want to put that burden on anybody. BUT i think the problem is that he doesn't even give girls a chance to decide that for themselves, you know? so yeah he still has a bit of growing up to do, but all in all he’s like a pretty decent guy

hilda is a really great and fun character, i love her. i really wish she’d believe in herself more. she shirks out of work to shirk out of work, sure, but she also seems like she just doesn’t think she’s any good at fighting when she’s my best tank? like she constantly surprises herself during battle and i’m like yeah girl you’re amazing, go get it!! and yeah marianne’s friendships are real sweet, i love her interactions with ignatz and hilda. i don’t know as much about her yet but she seems like she’s going through a lot, so i want to help her :c 

raphael is Good Boy, he’s just so unapologetic and loving, and like i love how carefree he chooses to be. like he’s gone through a lot, but he chooses to keep being an upbeat and loving guy, and that takes a lot of strength you know? which works out great, cuz he’s jacked lol. his friendship with ignatz is so precious, i really want them to rekindle it. i have them on friendship level b rn so it seems like that’s how it’s gonna work out and that makes me really happy :3

petra and linhardt are the only two i haven’t recruited yet (and i only Just recruited ferdinand, ingrid, caspar, and ashe) so i haven’t been able to see her interactions with ignatz, but i look forward to it :o i mean ignatz is just a sweetheart, so most support convos with him are amazing lol

lysithea is a really interesting character and i like her a lot. i’m actually surprised she and cyril don’t have more interactions right now, they’re really similar in that they’ve both had to grow up really fast and take on a lot of responsibility. i’d like to know more about her; i don’t really know why she’s so convinced she’s gonna die young yet.

i really like leonie, too. i really respect her commitment to becoming a knight, and i like that she has this past with jeralt, but timeline shenanigans are weird and it’s odd we never met before. she and sylvain are my two knights on mounts, so they’re irreplaceable on the battlefield rn.

i would love to talk more about everyone else too but this is getting super long. i’ve got a few plot theories and character theories, like i’m pretty sure flayn is actually saint cethleann, which makes me wonder about seteth too, but in the meantime i’m really just enjoying the ride the game’s taking me on.

i don’t mind tips on classes at all! i already have a few ideas. right now my goals are: marianne/mercedes = holy knight, dorothea = dancer, lysithea = gremory, sylvain/ferdinand = wyvern lord, cyril/raphael/caspar = war master, hilda = great knight, leonie/ashe = bow knight, byleth = mortal savant, bernadetta/claude = sniper, felix = mortal savant/assassin, ignatz = sniper/dark bishop?, linhardt = dark bishop?, ingrid = falcon knight, annette = warlock. i don’t have one for petra since i don’t know her terribly well yet. but since i have i think two months until the time skip, i’m sure i’ll be able to recruit her and linhardt soon. also i think claude gets his own class at some point or something, since it won’t give me options to certify him one? shrug

thanks so much for the ask!

#im having a lot of fun talking to you! #fe3h #nonny #axbox

[the-rxven-king]

Have you perhaps spoken to your parents about going to therapy? I think having an actual person that you can vent all of your frustrations and despairs to, who you don't have to worry about "burdening", would help so so very much.

surprisingly enough??? my older sister has asked about it before. i think she asked about it sometime last year and my mother shot her down very quickly. i think my mom just refuses to believe any of us could possibly be unhappy enough to where we would nee therapy or anything of the sort and just. ignores it. because she wants to think were all peachy keen. 

an edit made before post: i started rambling so im putting it under a cut

plus like therapy SOUNDS like it would be great, except i feel so much anxiety and like... talking to a fuckin s t r anger about my problems, whether they care about me at all or not, is the most uncomfortable concept ive ever heard of. it works for lots of people, which is great!!! but i doubt it would work for me an my anxious ass like i cant even sit in a desk next to someone i dont know and feel comfortable at all like i cant do that its just so bad i hate

id love to be able to go to an actual person and be like “hey heres literally all my problems and i would like to not have these problems anymore or at least try to improve them” but its literally. horrifying to think of going up to some random stranger who i do not know who even tho theyre trained to do this and trained to help and do probably give a shit about me and try and talk about things. like bitch!!!! i dont know you why should i tell you all this stuff!!!

and i know that might sound kinda??? hypocritical because im posting my problems on tumblr with a bunch of strangers but for me thats just... its a lot easier to type about it than talk about it. the words come easier this way. plus if i post things, i know i could go delete them later if i REALLY get uncomfortable knowing people can see it, like just get rid of it like it never existed. i cant just delete a conversation ive had with a person. that shit sticks. i like knowing i can just get rid of it at any time, make sure people dont worry, even if they want to worry. that just comforts me. that in itself is something i like. 

idk!!!! idk. its something id... be willing to??? try??? i guess??? but i know its not going to happen until i graduate and move out and all that garbage. because my mom doesnt care. my dad isnt around enough to care. yknow what neither of my parents are around enough to care. theyre barely ever fuckin here. ever. so even if they DID care, its not like theyd have time to get me there because like HELL im going to learn to drive to get myself there or let my older sister drive for me when she gets her licence. 

so yea ive.... thought about it. but im not gonna get into that can of worms with the family that ive got on my hands rn. im just not going to do it.

#the raven king speaks #Anonymous

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey God,

i just got back home at my new apartment from a MAST meeting and there’s some things i need to get off my chest that i realized i’ve been avoiding.

honestly, we’ve been a bit distant lately.

im really grateful for MAST and the people they are. and i only wish we couldve bonded on this level sooner but i am glad we’re able to do so now.

we had some deep talks during our hangout today and were very present and intentional with each other and im glad. 

and when jason shared about his family, it made me realize how terrified i am to go home bc i am afraid that nothing will have changed. i love jenny and i love MAST. I love PJosh, Amanda, Jason, and Johnathan bc I dont have to worry about being a burden with them bc i do genuinely love and care for me and want the best for me. They go out of their way to take care of me and make sure im home safe and mentally okay. And I am beyond grateful. Unsun loves me. Jenny Chang loves me. Josh Henderson I think loves me. People actually care for my wellbeing here. And I don’t feel like I have that at home. Not only have I been distancing myself from my family but I’ve been distant with everyone back home in general bc i’ve been so focused on trying to make a community here. Full of people I love and trust and can rely on.

I just dont want to feel like I’m being taken for granted again and just have so many expectations upon me. To be a good daughter, to be a good sister, to do this or do that. My mom was offended I didn’t ask her to help me move to Chicago my freshman year and she only asked me if I wanted her to help me move bc she found out her friends were helping their kids move in. She didn’t ask or offer her assistance. She just expected me to ask bc she wanted to fit in with her friends and prove she was a good mother.

even with my sister, she messaged me today with an expectation of me. instead of being glad or grateful that i would be going home, she asked why i couldnt just leave later and go to lollapalooza with her. is it wrong of me to expect or hope for her to be grateful im coming home at all? why is it so terrible that i dont want to go to lollapalooza? i told her that i still encouraged her to go if we wanted to and im not standing in the way of that. and she even said my mom was willing to pay for my ticket to the concert but im already so in debt to her bc of my mission trip and i dont want to just add onto that.

im also lowkey a lil frustrated rn bc i feel like ive explained my proposal to emily on how to handle utilities 3 times already and yet, she keeps asking and assuming and my patience is starting to run thin. i dont understand why she hasnt taken my proposal seriously or done what i asked her to do. she knows i dont have a phone and seemed willing to call peoplegas herself at first so i dont understand why shes being stubborn about doing it now.

sigh

anyway, in the car today while johnathan was driving me home to my new apartment, he asked what my thoughts on the whole topic were bc i had remained pretty quiet throughout it all. which i did. partly bc i just wanted to listen and be present and not feel the need to say what i think is “right” or the “best answer” and also bc i could never find a good opportunity to enter the conversation without interrupting someone else. and i confessed that at least on the topic of christians vs non-christians, i understood why jason would feel closer to non-christians bc of that expectation that christian communities have. i grew up in the church, yes. But I didn’t meet Christ until the end of 7th grade. And then I was temporarily on a spiritual high but struggled a lot my freshman year of high school and eventually just didnt see it as a priority or a reason to attend at all during my sophomore and junior years. And senior year, I tried to be open and honest and ended up feeling betrayed by James and tbh, im still a little triggered whenever I hear that name. Regardless of who it’s actually referring to and the context behind it. But that is when I came back to God bc I did feel a sense of community and belongingness with my Guatemala team. At least at first. I definitely felt it with Judy and Grace and I was glad to be there with them. But whenever I’ve come home and far too often, I feel like I have to try so hard just to be a part of the community at all and have to try to go to them so I have anyone in my life that I can rely on. Even when it comes to games, I’m often excluded and ignored bc I don’t fit the “standard” or cultural norm. And no one wants to be excluded or outcasted. We’re all insecure about ourselves but bc everyone is too afraid, no one reaches out to those that are left out and they all eventually leave bc they dont feel a sense of community. it’s a toxic culture and i dont want to go back. but yeah, i didnt come back to Christ until my senior year of high school and even then, it was just gaining a deeper understanding of Him through the Word and practical exercises. But mostly from mission training tbh and just being able to get closer with my team. so during that time when i was away from the church, i relied on my non-christian friends and they were the ones that were there for me when things got rough. i was honestly miserable at home and i couldnt handle it on my own and they were there to help me and listen to me and talk to me and be there for me. not my church friends. with them, i just felt betrayed. i tried to reach out to james, only to find out he and the rest of the guys had been gossiping about me behind my back when i so hopefully believed that we were getting closer and on our way to being friends. im shocked whenever people acknowledge my voice and im not ignored bc im so used to that culture and environment. ive tried to cry out to God and while i havent heard these things about me directly, i have heard many people complaining about people singing too loudly or not singing well enough and how it was annoying or keeping them from going to God. And I am so scarred by that toxic culture and behavior and bc that’s the only church I ever knew growing up, it’s affected how I perceive church in general now. And with church, there’s a certain expectation to be a better person and actively try to be more Christlike which I do but bc of that, I feel like I can’t make mistakes and have to meet that expectation which just leads me back down the path of perceiving serving as an obligation and work and a burden and something i have to do instead of doing it bc i genuinely care and want to serve God by serving them. It is so easy for me to cultivate deeper relationships with my school friends and really care for them bc there is no expectation for me to do anything. But because I genuinely care, I am able to reach out to them and make sure they’re doing okay and provide my help and services in any way that i can.  with church, im almost forced and expected to reach out and be a good Christian and do everything right.

I know P. Josh knows my character and who I am and loves me for me but every single time I fall back into this mindset of serving bc I feel like I have to serve and I’m being defined by that, I am afraid to tell him and be honest about it bc I know he said previously he’d be weary of someone joining MAST bc they defined themselves by how they serve and I don’t want him to kick me out of MAST bc that’s what I’ve become. And I keep beating myself up over falling back into this place and this habit because I so desperately don’t want to lose this community and this little family that I have here and people that I do love and trust and rely upon so much. I don’t want to disappoint him. I can’t bear to. 

And even at my home church, I never felt like I could speak ill of my parents or vent about what I was going through with them bc my dad was so heavily involved in the church. Everyone knew who he was and I didn’t want to soil his name. I had to be a good Christian and uphold his reputation as his daughter. 

But I hated being defined as “Marty’s daughter” or “Loren’s sister.” I just wanted to be known as Jessica Oh. I wanted to be known as me for me.

And I know I’ve made mistakes at my home church and bc they came back to haunt me later during my high school career, I’m afraid they’ll never go away hear. I made a lot of mistakes my sophomore year and I’ve grown a lot since then. But I’m worried people haven’t forgotten about the mistakes I’ve made and relationships I once had are irreparable bc of things I said or did that I didn’t realize in the moment was wrong. I can’t be fully honest or trust the community with who I am bc I feel like I have to be perfect all the time bc of the expectation and pressure placed upon me. And it’s crippling. It’s a fear that is crippling and I can’t fully handle. I’m letting it stop me from really coming before Christ and being honest with Him and growing as a community bc of my love for Him and yearn to serve Him.

but...it’s definitely tough.

i started crying in the car. i didnt think i would but i really am in a lot of pain over this. i just hope it gets resolved soon.

but anyway, thank you God for providing us with the space and opportunity to share our thoughts and go deeper with each other. it was much needed and meant a lot to me and i do really love them all so much.

thank you, God.

oh last thing—the reason ive never really shared all this with jason in the past is bc i know his own relationship with his family is tense and he cant help me or give any advice on how to solve this issue bc he himself does not know.

but yeah.

thank you, God.

#reflection

[misoria]

Angsty ranting. No need to actually read

Today has been really bad for me and i need some venting rn sorry guys.

I lost friend today. I feel like it was my fault. She got angry at me because I could not make her feel better. I know its not my responsibility to do nothing else than support but i was already having bad day and i told her that only one who can actually help her is she herself. That she should not contact me if she is just bitching at me. So she deleted me from her Facebook friends.. I feel such a hypocrite because i have done same. Lashed out to my friends when only thing they did were trying to help me. I have lost already so many friends. Many that told me how they would not leave me and actually did. I dont have many left so I feel like I should do something not lose anymore. I’ve tried to get better. Eat my meds when they finally found one which actually works. Still I dont feel better. I’ve been able to do stuff that I would not have been able to do before. I actually have been able to work again. Still. I’ve been wanting to sh all day and still do. I just want this all go away. I dont wanna wake up morning. I feel such a failure and bad person and everyone would be better off without me. Ive been missing two of my old friends today so badly. One which I still hope we can be friends again someday. That person actually have said that it might be possible but being like this actually hurts me so badly. I cant deal with them when there is so much uncertainty. Still I dont want to lose them. Even if that means that i am not able to believe that they still care or dont hate me. I hate that everything has to be so black and white. I know that its not like that but that doesnt mean I can believe it.

I cant sleep even if i took my meds already. Ive been just crying all day wanting to end this. I just cant deal with this any longer. I am just too much coward to jump. I dont have enough meds to do any damage. And actually i wanna only end this but i dont want to die. I actually have this lovely friend who understands me (well not my mental health problems all the time but still). I love her so much and I dont know what I would do without her. And i actually have started to believe that she truly cares for me. That she might be first person not to leave. That scares me so badly because I trust her and when (or maybe if) she does leave i will be crushed. I have some other people who say that they care for me. Its just that i feel that those people never have time for me. And my best friend lives too far away to visit very often. I feel so lonely. I actually need people more than I want. It kills me that there are weeks when I dont see my friends. And there is only one person who actually keeps contact every day. Many times she is only one who bothers. I am just too much burden for anyone else to care anymore… and i am too good at making people hate me..

Why i just cant be person people would actually like and stay. Why i have to be mess and have too many problems. Depression is kinda norm with people i know and that would be something that most would deal with better. Its just that i have to have bpd which comes with too many things to deal and i know that my actions are still my own but i would like to think that i would not do those things if i had “only” depression.. i just poison everyone around me. I wish they never had to meet me so that their lives would have been so much better…

Also Ive been feeling fat and gaining weight but just cant seem to stop eating and I hate not having enough control anymore.

#no need to read #personal #ranting #tw: suicide mention #tw: self-injury #bpd #ramblings

[jess-oh]

Reflection

ummmm....

i don’t know.

what do you do if your friend doesnt like your significant other? Andrew had a good time with Lauren today and something....irked me. I know that I don’t know her super well and he claims that shes a different person but I really do not like her. But I also dont have the heart to tell him if he likes her. As of right now, nothing is actually happening but... i don’t know.

i want to give her a chance but i am very weary. i just dont know why she bothers me so much.

i’ve been checking for updates on the fire almost nonstop and while the air still sucks, my main friends and family have been able to return home. And although the fire spread to over 8k acres, it’s been tamed by about 40% now. Which is much more than the mere 5% they had all day yesterday. So I am glad that my family and friends are safe. 

I was just overwhelmed with my graphic design project and inability to visit the shop at all but after taking a quick breather, i realized that i can just do everything tomorrow after class. The DPC and media center both class at 9pm so im hoping that i can get everything done within that time period. 

i vented to Andrew about my inability to help others earlier and I didn’t really mean it. I don’t know what I was expecting. Yes, I do feel this way but I’ve come to terms with it. So why did I still tell him? Was I expecting some sort of reaction? Maybe. I wasn’t satisfied though. But it might just be me. Because I don’t want to think about it. He did take the time to write a fairly lengthy response but....idk. it seemed kind of apathetic. like “ugh. i have to tell you this again?” 

i really dont have a best friend anymore. bc with everyone dear to my heart, i no longer feel comfortable sharing everything with. in the end, i just feel like im being too clingy or like im a burden. and it kind of sucks. not having anyone that you trust with your life that you know wont judge you. and i think it’s both our faults and we just got busy. nothing more. nothing less.

i was supposed to work on my lab reports today but i ended up procrastinating instead. im in a weird mood. i do think i’ll stay up and at the very least, revise lab report #4 and hopefully do my intro for #6. And if I’m up to the challenge, I’ll do lab #5 too. Plus, I found my physics textbook! Yay! It fell! 

but. yeah. idk. i feel really nervous rn but im not sure why. i just. idk.

i do want people to rely on and i know that i have my family now but they just went through so much with the fire and the evacuation and i feel bad for asking them to listen to me. im just feeling really stressed and overwhelmed rn and i just want to crawl into a ball by myself and wait for the pain to pass.

there’s so much that i want to talk to andrew about and i do want to get better at talking to him in person but i just cant bring myself to do it. and i dont even know why im so nervous. i want to tell him about the flaws that hes unaware of. and vent about my life and listen intently to his issues as well. but....

idk what im so afraid of. that i’ll lose him? maybe? he’s one of the only stable things left in my life right now. if i still had marlena then maybe this wouldnt be so bad but shes leaving soon and i really dont have that many other people that i can rely on.

i just feel so alone again.

#reflection